Loss of an Adult Child

[wgreenlee]

One of those nights where I was just searching online to find some meaning to all of this and found this article or post.  Kinda sums it up, and I hope it gives hope to all...

 

You Will Never Get Over it

 

By

 

Corinne Edwards, Guest Author

 

We had a shocking loss of a young person in the family.  My 21 year old son died in an accident. The next day, a friend came to see us.  His son had been killed by a drunk driver. His words surprised me.  They didn’t sink in until much later.

 

“You will never get over this.  If you know this in advance, you won’t try.  You will not struggle and condemn yourself for not succeeding.”

 

He was right.  His words became a consolation.  I stopped trying. That’s why I decided to write this article.  I wanted to share my friend’s words with  you. The old normal is gone.  There’s  a hole in your heart and your being that will never be filled.

 

I related to so many things the women confided.  I read their stories – did the same things.  I also felt my son around all the time.  I went to psychics to try to contact him.  I even attended a séance. I prayed for messages.  I dreamed about him often. I imagined I saw him in a crowd of people.   I wouldn’t let him go.

 

One psychic told me that those who have gone on to the other side are allowed to stay around for a while to help and comfort, but they won’t be here forever. I started feeling him less and less.  I dreamed about  him only once in a while.  But  he’s never left my heart.

 

After a period of intense pain, you’ll be different.  The person you were is gone.  It is an amputation.  Eventually, a new person will emerge.  It will be the new normal. A new life will start to take shape, but the limb you  lost won’t grow back.  You will have something in common with a soldier who bravely runs a marathon despite having a prosthesis for a leg.

 

As my friend said, you’ll never get over it.

 

This new person will have a life which includes peace, love  and even laughter, community and new friendships.  It can and will happen in your own time.

 

I believe there is a tiny gift inherent in every unspeakable tragedy. One is compassion.  I could not have written that article for widows if I hadn’t experienced the grief of losing my husband.  I would not have been able to connect.

 

Another gift is knowing how to help someone who’s in  extreme pain.

 

The world doesn’t give you much time.  You hear platitudes like “Life goes on” and “Thank God you have other family.”  They say it as if another person can  replace the one you  lost.  You get about two months to get over it. The truth is, they don’t know what to say.  What they don’t know is that all they need to do is listen.

 

Part of the gift is giving someone else your time to listen far beyond the window  normally allowed.  You know they have no one to talk to.  You reach out more. You know how important it is to tell the story, over and over.

 

The sharing of this gift, when you are able, will comfort you. You’ll stop struggling to get over it.  You’ll trust that if you’re  still on this earth, there must be a reason. The new normal person will find that reason.  It may not  exist yet, but every day it becomes more real..

 

God, please watch over all on this site, their family and friends, and those that don't have anyone to pray for them.  Provide your amazing grace, comfort, and love in all aspects of their lives.  Amen!

[Angel Boy of Mine]

My baby boy, Jared West would have/should have graduated tonight. Mr. West and I will be attending, and will have the yearbook that he was included in, a gift from the highschool. Please find us and sign his book if you would like. I love you, Jared, and miss you more with every passing day. Holding on to the promise of heaven...

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you Wade for posting this. It was just what I needed to see today.

Becky, my thoughts will be with you tonight as you attend the graduation. I know how hard it is going to be for you. Thinking of you.

They caught the young man that killed the three RCMP officers early this morning. They literally locked the entre area down and eventually flushed him out alive. Looks like he's going to prison for life with no parole. He is only 24 years old. So young to carry so much hatred in his heart. Those poor families. They had children to raise. Prayers for peace.

On this beautiful June morning sending wishes for a peaceful day to all. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,
Thank you for that writing. So true, we will never get over it.

 

Kate,
Thank you for sharing what you did last night. I needed to see that. I do go back to the painful images of Trista’s last moments. Partly, it’s the PTSD and my mind just goes there. I’m learning tools to help with it. A couple of them I learned from here. I can’t remember for sure who wrote them but one thing I do is to imagine that it’s a movie playing in my mind and know that I do have control to press ‘STOP’ or to rewind to a happy memory of Trista. The other thing is to imagine a large STOP sign. This works well in a panic attack, for me. I just hold that image and don’t allow room for anything else until the panic subsides. I really hold on to hope that one day I will be able to do what you do. To focus only on the wonderful memories of Trista and the beautiful soul she is.

 

Colleen,
Thank you for your post to me and for thinking of me. This has been such a hard month. I had Mother’s Day and then Graduation and all the end of the year stuff and yes, it was really really hard. Being close to Trista’s friends is sometimes so hard when these things come up because it brings up all the things she is missing and more selfishly…the things I am missing. Senior year is one of the big transitions in life, one of those mile markers that cut deep. It gives me hope to read that you are able to go to this lunch with your friend. I’m sending prayers for strength for you. I am not there yet. I can’t find the place to be happy for anyone else without it being tinged by my loss but you give me hope that it will happen in time.

 

I read what you wrote to Cherry about the shock you experienced when you found out Brian hadn’t made it. I can relate so much. Nothing in my mind would accept that Tris could be gone. I remember the phone call and my shock started there. I just sat there for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn’t move because to go into action would make it real. I just waited and in my mind I thought, ‘This is a joke… a horrible joke.” I waited for Ashley to tell me it was a lie. I was already angry with her for saying something so stupid because in my mind it wasn’t even a possibility. Even after arriving at the scene, seeing my Girl in that car, following the ambulance to the hospital, so closely that I could see everything happening in the back, knowing that was Trista in there, in my mind she had a concussion and a bloody nose and I would be taking her home.

 

Becky,
I’ll be thinking of you today. These are hard things. Tris also had a dedication page in the yearbook this year but our books haven’t come in yet. Sending prayers for you and your family today.

 

Laurie,
I’m thinking of you. I hope you’re getting some rest and down time after all you’ve had going on. Thank you for the poem you posted last night.

 

Debbie,
How are you today?

 

Dee,
When is the last day for you? Zak was out on Wednesday. He’s glad it’s over for the summer and ready for a break. I hope the kids haven’t gone too crazy and you all are staying cool.

 

This day last year we were having Trista's services. I'm going to do something special for her today. Just me. I don't think anyone else realizes the date.

 

On a happy note, Greta the chicken is doing great. She needed a little time to adjust to her new place and eat well but she thanked us this morning with the first egg which Aiden has already claimed for his breakfast. He loves to take care of her with me. We go every morning to check on her. He told me this morning, “Come on, Mommy! We need to go see if Greta pooped an egg!” Oh, dear.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade ..thank you for sharing and posting that....it seems as if he is reading my mail...and reading my mind...

growing into the 'new normal' is anything like normal...

 

Many on this site have 'gone to war without a gun'....walking into their 'new normal'...

another kind of combat...

 

and that is what brings many of us to 'change'....we transform ourselves to be able survive the life we have been brought to..

as Dee says....we have to change to make room for the loss...

 

Becky and Shannon....many see the celebrations with the end of year proms and graduations...you see the empty space..the empty chair....and of course...the happy parents...

 

I want to share this....just last week...in a town close to Brenham....the Valedictorian gave her speech at graduation...the next night...she was killed in a car wreck with an 18 Wheeler....and we, on this site, know the dark..dark days ahead for that family and community....beyond sad...

 

Kate...what a tragedy for the police officers and their families....and all of us wonder what happened to that young man...

I think all the drugs they have is one of the causes for the carnage...

 

Shannon....today was Trista's service.....all of us have those 'marker dates'...they don't have to be written on a calendar...they are with us....and we give them as much attention as a big holiday...

 

I think this is going to be one of those 'long..hot..summers'.....

[tobyfreefoot]

man i wrote a long post with many of you highlighted to speak specifically to you and lost it.  i can not possibly get up the strength it took to write some of it.  i am moving up to forest's 3rd angel date.

shannon i missed trista's

colleen i had the identical words spoken to me and i didn't know what he meant either.

wade thanks for the article

whoever posted the maya angelou poem lynn's other son had just sent it to her and she sent it to my phone while i was out of town.

best i can do.  thinking of you all

fb event--

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....I think the Summer Sun and Shine will be a little duller....we have so many parents slouching toward an Angelversary....digging our heels into the pavement....wishing for a 'Freeze Frame'....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Susan"....walking into their 'new normal'...another kind of combat..."

 

That pretty much sums it up for me...I have just been in mental and emotional doldrums lately...

 

sorry Gretchen about your post...I have done that more than once myself...

 

My newest book I have been reading is Waiting on Heaven ~ A Mother's and Daughter's Shared Death Experience...by Victoria Mason Acree...as usual I mostly skim books to parts I feel are relevant to me...the author's daughter died at 12 years old and they had a shared spiritual journey...I think it is a book probably for people a little later in their grief...I don't think I could have read it when I was raw...

 

Here is a link to her website

 

http://www.voiceofvictoria.com/Waiting_on_Heaven_~_Book.html

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Sending out hugs...

[shorty16]

My friends,

I received a bleeding heart plant from a friend to replace the one my husband dug up.

We also made a sign for the plant...informing all this is not a weed.

I hope this makes you smile

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....we are going 'to war without a gun'....

and I posted that today for I feel like it is like some kind of 'velvet combat'....

how I fight....to stay afloat....

then I know I can't win....'so' if I just give in....I can keep my head above water...

 

we are not that far on the grief journey....I love that term 'pilgrimage'...for that is what it is, too....

that is why I feel like a searcher...a seeker....I am so far out of the normal circle I am a Nomad...

I have not found my 'home' without my John David....

I am seeking that place where I will have to live without him....

I am not comfortable like I use to be...

I am in a foreign land...really....(in my mind)....

I think that is why it is important for me to cocoon around the things and my home that are so familiar...

for that place is the only constant star in my sky now....

a place where I can anchor myself...

a place where I know I can place my feet...

[shorty16]

JD's Mom

Oh how I remember that graduation day. We could not attend. I just could not. Friends brought over a video where they said Brian's name and all cheered....we cried.

I was there, right where you are. I just kept breathing. Did not expect anything out of myself. I just had to remember to breath.

Hugs to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Susan for the response...we are not too far apart in angel dates...so I guess we are about in the same place here....

 

Colleen, my grandmother loved bleeding hearts...they draw birds in too, especially hummingbirds...

 

Becky, thank you for sharing the link for Jared's page...I  have not managed to go to anything that is a milestone for my friend's children...the graduation parties I just sent money to...I thought what Shannon wrote was much of how I feel at this point about going to those type of functions...just can't do it...

[Steve s mom]

Sorry I can't post videos on here.

The song since I lost you

By Phil Collins is good if you want to check it out

[Guest]

.

[MissKylie]

Debbie, I keep coming back on the picture that you posted…So thoughtful of you..It’s a sweet picture of a mother and daughter..And maybe sometimes when I cry, Kylie comforts me…

 

Colleen, it is always hard to remember the last night that I saw my girl alive…When I am at work, I can’t stop crying in the middle of whatever I’m doing…I think of you and Brian often..He must be such a sweet boy and I’m really sorry that we have to experience this pain and grief…

 

Jared’s mom, I salute you for the courage to attend Jared’s graduation night. I too, attended Kylie’s graduation. They asked me to speak in front of the parents and the graduates. I did speak few words, thank the teachers for teaching Kylie and congratulated the graduates. I stood there not for myself but to honor Kylie. Kylie is an English speaking child which is not ordinary for ordinary Filipino families like us. So I also gave my speech in English, in memory of my Kylie.

 

Laurie , thank you for sharing the site for “Waiting in heaven”…

 

Susan, I can relate to the feeling of being in a foreign land…Since I lost Kylie, I pretend every waking hour is like a dream. I try to do my best everyday and if I make mistakes, I forgive myself easily, this life is just a dream anyway. One day, I will wake up seeing my Kylie again….

 

Wade, thanks for sharing what the psychic said about our loved ones trying to comfort the ones left behind…I also have lesser dreams with Kylie in it..Maybe that’s the reason why..they can’t stay earthbound for long

 

Hugs to all,

Kylie’s Mommy- Mommy Cherry

[ericasmom]

Lora, love your tattoo. It is so fluid and graceful. Lovely.

If you are able to come let me know. The 13th is Eri fest in our yard to which you are welcome and  the 14th is Eri's actual angel day.

Congrats on your Son's marriage. Thanks for sharing.

 

Becky, wow, I know your being at the graduation will be very emotional but a good thing to do for all those involved, especially your Boy. Hang on with both hands and your full heart.

 

I am going to bed, so tired after this week of school. I will be done on Tuesday late afternoon. Then I have to pack my room up.I am pooped.

 

So many I want to talk with but my eyes are slamming-

 

Goodnight All.

[Jeff's Mom]

Cherry, that was incredibly brave and difficult for you to stand up in front of those people. Good for you! Well done!

Lora...Congratulations on this lovely and uplifting news. My very best to the happy couple! Your tattoo looks so delicate and is really lovely.

Dee, just a few days left and then you will be able to have some much needed rest. Hope you can get out and enjoy your walks, etc.

Colleen, love the bleeding heart story! I bet that is one plant he will definitely not touch this time.

It is another lovely day today. The sun is warm and the day promises to be perfect. We are just now heading out to a giant yard sale that we love to browse through. This is held yearly by a seniors condo complex. So often the articles are terrific,as they have collected antiques for years that they no long can use or have space for. Also we are hoping to get into the site to finally plant the gardens for Jeff. Probably will do that tomorrow. Ross tires easily and so we space things out as we can. I hope that everyone will have a decent weekend. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....thanks for sharing....and congratulations to the newly weds...and...how lucky can one guy be..? A beautiful wife and a gorgeous daughter...what a blessing....and that is just the kind of wedding I so love....no fuss...no drama...not spending huge amounts of $$$$ plus the time and effort.....in fact....the joining of a man and woman in marriage really takes place in their hearts...

  Love that tattoo....I was going to get a small mermaid tattoo on my right shoulder (toward the back)...and in all this 'new normal'....the idea left my 'want list'......maybe I should have a small mermaid with J.D., too.....

 

Dee....we are with you for the countdown...wish I lived down the street and could help with the paperwork/packing up classroom...etc.....I come from a long line of 'Teacher Lovers'.....will you have T-shirts for EriFest ?

 

Becky....all of us on this site know what courage it took to go to the graduation...you may never know how your presence gave someone or many another way to see what brave looks like....

 

Cherry...I remember you posting about Kylie's graduation...it touched my heart in many places...

[ericasmom]

Just heading out to the cemetery, haven't been for a long while. Love to All. No Susan, no shirts this year, I can not do it but every 5 years, though this year it would say: ELEVEN in HEAVEN! So maybe a banner that speaks to that. Eleven? How?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I feel this way...

Dee, Eleven in heaven... I'm still trying to figure out how I've survived this one. You give me hope. I hope your visit to the cemetery is peaceful. It's a beautiful day here.

Lora, The tattoo is beautiful. I have a wrist band wth Trista's name and the beaded bracelet that says Mommy that she and Aiden made for me on Mother's Day just a few weeks before she left. I wear them every day. Congratulations on your son's wedding. I'm sure it was such an emotional day in many ways.

Cherry, I bought some marigolds today and thought of Kylie.

Becky, How are you? I am thinking of you. I know that took so much strength yesterday. I couldn't go to the ceremony or any grad parties this year.

Susan, I think you're right about this summer.

Gretchen, Thank you for the fairy. I'll be thinking of you as Forest's Angel Date approaches.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....a 'thought' similar to that..'I turned into a prayer' came across my thinking and pondering...

 

I can get into this 'place'....I don't know what triggers it...and it can be something as small as looking at an old photo...or some dusty memory comes up from the recesses of my shattered mind....

and I am on a real....really bad crying jag...it really can go on and on....sort of like out of control...

I will have to catch hold of myself...and pray hard...on my knees kind of prayers...and then I start the on going kind of prayer..

Jesus hold me...God put me in your arms...Help Me...Give me strength..and on and on....and it becomes like a ticker tape across my mind...like background music...

You would think after all this time...the instant tears....or a knee jerk reaction to something small would be something I could control....

but I can't....I wake up in the mornings and think...'what will I do without you'.....

later in the day...it turns to....'what can I do for you'.....

so....I have the all day prayer asking for strength and stamina to go the extra mile...

 

 

[Sailormom]

Hope your visit goes well. I need to make a visit also, geuss I will try to do a road trip tomorrow. Will visit mom, dad and son.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sailor Mom...and Lady of One....how are you doing ?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lora, congratulations on your son's wedding...best wishes to them both and the little girl...I was wondering how your brother was doing after his accident...how is his recovery? Beautiful remembrance tattoo...

 

Cherry, was thinking of you lately wondering how you were managing, I was very touched by the author Victoria and the story of her daughter Paris...

 

Wade and Ted, sending thoughts of peace your way tonight....

 

Dee, how nice if you and Lora could get together, especially around Eri's angel date...eleven in heaven...and Erica has made her light shine from that place to us who walk this journey now...I believe that is part of her legacy...and love....

 

Debbie, sending prayers of kindness your way....

 

Wanda and Mary Ann...also thinking of you both...

 

Carol, how is Kim doing with her surgery recovery?

 

Kate, the gardens planned for Jeff's spot sound lovely...it would be so nice to see some pictures of it once planted...

 

Sailor Mom and Lady of One...prayers for you both...

 

Shannon, I am glad that Gretchen has a great home...we raised chickens and they can get very tame, ours would follow us to be fed...

 

Susan, thought of this song for you after reading the post you had earlier:

 

Thinking of many who post here....wishing you all peace and comfort...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sailor Mom, it was good to just kiss Eri's name on her stone, I did not visit for long and I had no flowers this time. I just needed to visit. We live just outside of Chicago, where are you? How far is the cemetery for you?

 

Susan, weepy and tears-a-plenty, might just be how the start of summer is for you since losing Your Sweet Son. Sometimes we just have to allow it all to come out, to wander around with wet eyes and reddened nose, just letting it go.

 

Laurie it would be a treat to meet Lora you are right, you are not so far away that we couldn't all meet up in the city or at my home...Same with Sandy and Colleen and whomever. I cannot offer a room however as my niece and her daughter will be in for Eri-Fest.

 

Kate how is Ross feeling? I am sure that the pleasant weather is  welcome after so long a winter. You doing okay? Were that gunman near you?

 

[masterpatrick05]

Deleted

[Sailormom]

Dee -

For me the cemetary is a 40 minute drive one way.  We buried him next to his grandparents (my parents)  so he wouldn't be alone in the cemetery.  When we buried my mother we buried her around the corner from where we lived, we moved away 10 years later.  That was 20 years ago this month.   Brian was 5 years old when we moved to the county we live at now.  We moved to be closer to my husbands job so he wanted have to do a 40 minute drive every day.   Which may be a good thing,  I don't think I could drive past the cemetery here every day going to work knowing my son was there.

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Brandon,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, Patrick. He sounds like an amazing young man. I tried the link to go to his page but it didn’t work. I hate that you have to be here but I am glad you found this place. It is a place of compassion and understanding. We have lost children of different ages through different circumstances but we all know the pain of the loss of a precious child. My daughter, Trista was killed on June 1, 2013. She was on her way to the pet store with a friend. They were just three miles from home when the car she was a passenger in was t-boned by a tanker truck. My heart and life were shattered. Still are. I am still trying to figure out how to go on. I know the feeling of not wanting to go on. I felt that so deeply. Still do. I also just kept putting one foot in front of the other for my Boys. I have two other children. Boys, four and fifteen. Please, keep coming and reading and sharing more about Patrick with us. There are those here who have been here for many years, who have traveled this road, and keep coming to reach out and shine a light for us.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

SailorMom,
My daughter Trista’s site is just a couple of miles from our home. I don’t drive past it often but it’s there and sometimes I feel guilty for not going more often as close as it is. I go at least once or twice a week in the spring and summer to care for the flowers and trim the grass. In the winter I don’t go as often. Sometimes it’s good for me to go but I don’t think of her as being there. I feel her closer at home around her things and in her garden.

Dee,
I’m glad the visit to Eri’s site was good. You said you kiss her name. Trista doesn’t have her stone placed yet but we have the little marker with her picture and name. I always kiss it before I leave. The other day Aiden and I went and I was packing things up to leave and Aiden says, “Don’t forget the kiss, Mommy”. I didn’t realize he even noticed I did that. I loved what Laurie wrote to you about shining Eri’s light… being here and reaching out to all of us being part of her legacy. I think that is so true.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

A Prayer When a Parent Loses a Child

 

From Talking to God by Naomi Levy

 

It hurts too much, God. I can’t bear it. I don’t know how to go on, how to make it through each day. I want to scream. I don’t know how to fit in, how to mourn politely and gracefully. People keep telling me I am strong. But I’m not strong. There’s nothing left of me. The best of me is dead.

 

Everything I do feels false. Every conversation is empty and forced. My face is a doll’s face, my eyes are glass, my smile is painted on, I keep repeating myself… why? why? why? My arms and legs are lead. My heart is in ruins. I remember a time of laughter and love and music and hope. But death came and destroyed all that, and left me a ravaged survivor.

 

Help me, God. Give me strength. Ease my suffering. Show me how to live in this world when my soul lies in the grave. Heal my heart, God; be my comfort. Revive my hope, God; teach me to believe that I will come to know blessings and joy once more. Stay with me, God; don’t leave me.

 

Hear my prayer, God. I entrust my child to You, God. Take care of my Child. Spread your peace over my Child. Shelter my Child with gentleness and love. As I would. Guard my Child until the day when I find myself beside them once more. Hear me, God. Heal me, God. Amen

 

On Trista’s Angel Day a friend brought this book to me. It is filled with prayers. The writer is a Rabbi whose daughter was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She bought it during her divorce and has used it many times in life. You can tell the book is well worn. She passed it on to me. I read the prayer and recognized so much in it.

[mysonrich]

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”

I Like this quote I dislike this quote“I dread no more the first white in my hair, / Or even age itself, the easy shoe, / The cane, the wrinkled hands, the special chair / Time, doing this to me, may alter too / My sorrow, into something I can bear.”

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Hello Indigos , always reading your thoughts, feelings, words of the life that was our children . Trista and Brooks, I did not overlook. As I have communicated to some here, posting is not always possible. As Richards 26th approaches I gather strength from you all in knowing you understand. Thank you for sharing.

[mysonrich]

please forgive the typos mini I try to offer encouragement yet is this device does not always comply and I don't believe that tossing it out the window is a really good idea.

[Jeff's Mom]

Brandon, I just read your post and it brought tears to my eyes. Patrick does indeed sound like he was a real trooper! I wish there was something that I could say that would bring you some degree of comfort today. We all know how hard this grieving process is and would gladly erase your pain if we could.

All I can offer is that we are here to hold you up and hopefully help to give you and your wife the strength to move through this journey. Hold on tight...you will survive!

Dee, Ross is doing quite well. He has gained back much of the weight lost through his chemo and some of his energy. I do find he sleeps approximately three hours a day to regain his strength. But we are foraging ahead full steam. Thanks for asking.

We were not able to make it into the site yesterday... as we simply ran out of time. Today we woke up to cloudy and cool temps. We keep Jeff's gardens very simple...we need to focus on deer proof. A border of yellow marigolds and purple ageratum. We have then planted bight vivid red geraniums in the middle in past years. The other two small gardens have daylilies in the middle and we like to put something colourful as a border. The trick has always been in maintaining the watering situation. It can be a bit of a challenge at times.

Thanks to everyone for sharing poetry and pictures.

Brandon, Patrick looks like he was a really good looking kid. I am over four years into my loss. But I am still standing and can tell you that those dark days at the beginning will begin to lift after a period of time. You have suffered the hardest loss of your life and it is going to ages to find your feet touching the ground again. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time and space to grieve. And very importantly...force yourself to take care of yourself as much as you are no caring at this time. One day and one step at a time is all you can ask of yourself.

Love to all, Kate

[SamDsmom]

First of I want to thank everyone for the kind words and experience that they shared with me during my meltdown this week. I just seem to go minute to minute but I'm still upright and breathing.

Lora,

The tattoo is beautiful. I've thought about doing that myself. Maybe I will soon. I really like yours.

Shannon,

If I didn't tell you before, the video you did for Trista was beautiful. The doves were an amazing idea. So good that you were surrounded by so many who loved her. I guess I didn't think about the day of the service being another milestone. But it would be like every other day of remembering, what was Sam doing this time last year.

Sailormom,

Thinking of you. So glad to see you keep coming back.

Dee,

So glad you enjoyed your visit to Eric's site. Love the new picture. She is so cute.

Laurie,

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you also for the music. I haven't had a chance to listen yet but I plan to later today.

Ladyofone,

How are you?

Susan,

I read what you wrote about feeling like you arr in a foreign land, not having found a home without John David. I so identify with those words. To, me it's like living in an other diminsion. I see the world and they see me, but I don't connect. It's like I've lost the special glue that holds me in the real world.

Becky,

I admire that you were able to go to graduation. I love the picture of Jared in the yearbook.

Sandy,

I'm so glad you finally got time to spend with Sarah. It gives me hope. Hope that time will NOT steal that from me. My memories are there but a yearn for that connection. We were in Colorado the last few days. In the place that Sam was planning to move with his friends. I wanted to call them but I didn't want to share that part with my husband and max. Anyway, our truck has large windows toward the back on both sides of the bunk. I opened the blinds and had a wonderful view of the mountains that Sam so loved. I got a glimmer of a connection as I was taking pictures. But could not let myself go. I think that is the place I would like to be. Alone for a few days with Sam. I am going to make an album. I have never had a facebook page before, but recently started on to stay connected to Sam's friend's. I will probably post it there also. Thank you for sharing with me.

Brandon,

I'm so sorry about Patrick. Like others have said, I wish there was something that could be said to comfort you. Just know we are all here for you. Please keep coming back, reading and sharing about Patrick.

Gretchen,

Thinking of Forest today. Thank you for your kindness and thoughts.

I wish I could write more.

My mom's brother died a few days ago. He got I'll very quickly. I've decided not to go to the service.

Wade, Wanda, Ted, Mary Ann, Cherry and everyone else, wishing you peace today.

Debbie

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

 

It was good to read that Ross is doing good. I hope you are able to get Jeff's garden started. I would love to see pictures.

 

Debbie,

 

I was glad to see your post. I've been thinking of you. I'm glad you felt that connection in that place that Sam loved even if just for a moment. I would love to see the pictures if you want to post them. You wrote about thinking... What was Sam doing at this time last year? I've thought that so many times over the past year and had a memory to go back to. That has hit me so hard that I can't do that anymore. The memories will always be there though, and I'm holding them so close. Just another reminder of the passage of time and how it makes no sense to me anymore.

 

 

[SamDsmom]

I did want to share one more thing. Last night we stayed at a turnpike service area. I was walking inside when I noticed a group of young men eating inside at Hardees. One of the guys had glasses, sandy blonde hear and a beard. I walked around the corner and for some reason looked over. All I saw was sandy blonde hair and glasses, he was looking down. In my mind I saw Sam. I didn't think oh that's odd, or wow he looks like Sam (which he didn't at all). I saw Sam eating with his friends on the Kansas turnpike headed home after a Royals game. I calmly walked around the corner to say hi or whatever. The whole experience lasted less than 3 seconds. As the realization hit me, I was devastated. Luckily I don't even think they noticed me. I was able to run outside until I could breathe again. My mind is tired.

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie, those meltdowns can happen at any time and at any stage along this journey. I have come to realize that they are going to be a lifelong happening for me. I am finding that I am able to have a better handle on it when it does happen now. I'm afraid we will always see someone by chance that reminds us of our child over the years. Not long ago we were driving up to our small own and crossed over a bridge and I glanced towards a grassy area that kids often sit and fish from. There was a young man that was so much like Jeff I stopped in my tracks and was quite shaken. He had his back turned to me and was sitting alone fishing. The way he wore his baseball cap and his very physique was a dead ringer for Jeff. It took me a while but I was able to shake it off. I know it hurts.

Shannon, Ross's health started to improve a few weeks ago. He did a complete turnaround somehow. I noticed one day his appetite had improved big time. Every time I turned around he was in the kitchen eating. Also he started to throw himself into doing all kinds of stuff that had not being possible months ago. Almost like a crazed man driven. He simply goes until he drops and then has to sleep for hours to recharge his batteries. Evenings are a total loss. He's fast sleep by 8:00 every night after a full day. Frequently he sleeps in the afternoon if he feels the need. It's not unusual for him to drift off for several hours at a time. I think he is making up for lost time. We were both so scared a year ago. Even a couple of months ago I did not like how his appearance was changing. I am convinced that with faith and luck and a great oncology team we were able to turn it around. Someone said to me not long ago that we were lucky he was doing well (For Now) Well, "for now" sounds good to us... and we'll take it! Thanks for the encouragement lady I thought to myself.

Cherry, I will think of your little Kylie when I plant those cheerful marigolds.

Carol, how is Kim doing now that she is back home?

Sending prayers and heartfelt wishes to all of those that are new to this journey.

[SamDsmom]

Max's mother picked him up and now my husband is sleeping so I have time and something I want to share.

My uncle Larry, my mother's younger brother died Thursday as a result of complications of a rough 25 years of alcoholism and drug use.

He left behind 3 daughters. Great young women, my cousins. This is the part of the story that is really hitting home today. The part I want to share here.

25 years ago Larry and his wife Linda divorced. Larry moved to Florida and took 15 year old Jennie with him. 5 year old Jamie and 14 yr old Josh stayed with their mother. One Sunday morning Linda put Jamie and Josh in the truck for a day at the zoo. They were hit head on by an elderly man who had a heart attack behind the wheel. Linda was killed instantly. Josh was rushed to Wichita to the trauma center with severe head trauma. Jamie's arms and legs were crushed. It took 2 days for Larry and Jennie to get back home. I stayed at the hospital with my mom and grandmother and Linda's family. We held his hand and read to him. When Larry arrived he was told that there was no brain activity and he had to make a decision. We all told Josh goodbye and Larry let him go. After that he spiraled downward into his addiction. I have so many good memories before that. I hadn't seen him for many years until Sam's funeral. He did not approach me but we made eye contact from across the room before he quickly left the church. My daughter said that she tried to hug him outside. He simply said, "Too many lost, too much" began crying and left. He had a reputation as a bum and people avoided him in his later years. Before all this happened he was a wonderful artist and stone mason who had been commissioned all over the state for his work. I am so sad today, not so much for his death but for being able to now feel what he felt for the later part of his life.

My mother sent me a text message that he passed. I'm assuming she wasnt prepared for what reaction she thought I might have. I'm thinking of writing a letter to the girls. I don't know.

Anyway I guess that us all. Thanks for being here.

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

Kate,

Thank you for sharing that story about seeing the young man that reminded you of Jeff. It is a relief that to know tgat others have experienced this. I almost felt guilty also that I could mistake someone else for HIM. I'm grateful I made it outsde or they might have carted me off, although I'm not sure that would be such a bad thing. Glad to hear Ross is feeling better.

Shannon,

Thank you for your response. I guess I'm still not wanting, afraid, to let anything go, or I will loose everything.

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

One more thing I want to share. I don't always have the opportunity to share. I guess when I do it pours out. I had a client on time tell me that she broke up with her boyfriend because he was emotionally retarded, unable to deal with things. Don't kn8w why I thought of that. My daughter asked her father if he was going to my uncles funeral. He told her that he would be too uncomfortable around my family. He said your mother is stirring up too much and causing problems. Im assuming he is talking about the insurance? Anyway he said that Larry wasnt mature enough to deal with death and he was a horrible father, a bum. Didnt deserve any sympathy. You would think after loosing his own he would have some empathy. I guess that's what made me think of that comment made to ke by my client so long ago.

I'm sorry Sam. I'm sorry that your dad is acting like this. So grateful you were, are nothing like him. I love and miss you so much.

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I am glad to see your posts today, I love when you have the time to share what is inside, not only does it all need to come out, but we care and want to know.

I am sorry that your Uncle had such a sad life after he lost his precious Boy. You went through a lot being there for the family in this loss so many years ago. Sad beyond words. From what happened to your Uncle we must learn, our lives are worth something even after the loss that makes us feel that there is nothing to move forward in. There is, we have to allow the process of grief and then be patient for the process of slow slow healing. No our hearts never fully heal but in fact they can become stronger with the love that helps bind those shattered pieces back together again. Never going to be the same, we know that, so we find out what life will be, slowly, the processes in our lives take time, we have time. No bigger cheerleaders than our Angels, rooting for us to keep looking for our lives, they keep shining their lights.

As far as thinking you saw Sam, even if the young man did not actually look like Sam, that sometimes is our Angel just letting us see them for a moment perhaps, and sometimes it is simply our wish to see them that we spot their mannerisms in others and feel sure...I have done it, way back when Erica first left, I saw a young woman with her Mom, shopping. Oh how I wished I could turn her around and see ERi, but her mannerisms were so Erica-like. So I watched for a while, a voeyer, From watching I still felt enriched somehow, the mom and girl enjoyed each other and had some laughter between them. I was happy for them, for the connection.

 

Betsy, no, don't throw the phone out. It sure is good to see you and as you approach your Handsome Son's birthday, know that he is holding your hand while you find your path.

 

Yes Carol, do tell how Kim is, how you are?

 

Kate, I am so glad that you two are pressing forward into summertime. Go Team-Ross.

[Jeff's Mom]

Max's mother picked him up and now my husband is sleeping so I have time and something I want to share.

My uncle Larry, my mother's younger brother died Thursday as a result of complications of a rough 25 years of alcoholism and drug use.

He left behind 3 daughters. Great young women, my cousins. This is the part of the story that is really hitting home today. The part I want to share here.

25 years ago Larry and his wife Linda divorced. Larry moved to Florida and took 15 year old Jennie with him. 5 year old Jamie and 14 yr old Josh stayed with their mother. One Sunday morning Linda put Jamie and Josh in the truck for a day at the zoo. They were hit head on by an elderly man who had a heart attack behind the wheel. Linda was killed instantly. Josh was rushed to Wichita to the trauma center with severe head trauma. Jamie's arms and legs were crushed. It took 2 days for Larry and Jennie to get back home. I stayed at the hospital with my mom and grandmother and Linda's family. We held his hand and read to him. When Larry arrived he was told that there was no brain activity and he had to make a decision. We all told Josh goodbye and Larry let him go. After that he spiraled downward into his addiction. I have so many good memories before that. I hadn't seen him for many years until Sam's funeral. He did not approach me but we made eye contact from across the room before he quickly left the church. My daughter said that she tried to hug him outside. He simply said, "Too many lost, too much" began crying and left. He had a reputation as a bum and people avoided him in his later years. Before all this happened he was a wonderful artist and stone mason who had been commissioned all over the state for his work. I am so sad today, not so much for his death but for being able to Wfeel what he felt for the later part of his life.

My mother sent me a text message that he passed. I'm assuming she wasnt prepared for what reaction she thought I might have. I'm thinking of writing a letter to the girls. I don't know.

We all make mistakes in life. He was a human being with frailties like all of us. He attended that funeral because he felt a need to pay his respect to the deceased and family...but most probably because he had a personal connection at one point that hit home. Many people my son came across on a daily basis appeared to be downtrodden. Losers by some people's standards. Yet we are all born with a heart and the opportunity to touch another with our concern and goodness. A person needs to feel connected and needed and loved. Nobody is perfect. Write to them...tell them wht you have mentioned here.

[ericasmom]

SailorMom, the cemetery is about 20 minutes when it is not high-traffic time for me. I know what you mean though, if it were closer one might feel inclined or obliged in some way to go. I feel similarly to others here, that Eri is not there really, she was put there for a place to be, a place for us to visit to feel close. When she was hit by the Amtrak almost 11 years ago, she lay in a coma with severe brain injuries in addition to a broken neck and jaw and some cuts. Her brain stem was nearly severed, so for 6 days she lay there leaving time for all of her friends and family to travel to Michigan to say goodbye. And as severe and devastating as her injuries were, she looked like Erica, she looked like her when she was sleeping, except for the curled hands and toes, a condition  that is indicator of the severity of her brain injury. It is called posturing.

Anyhow, on the 3rd or 4th day, I sat outdoors at the trauma center, there were about 80 people in the ICU each day waiting alongside us. My Son, who is 2.5 years older than his Sister came to me and said, " MOM, can you please not cremate Erica? I want a place where she will be where I can visit." I knew that he finally understood she was not going to survive and I remember feeling a glimmer of happiness, that he let go of the dream that Eri would wake up and be fine. Up until then I thought that indeed we would cremate and keep some ashes and bury the rest or just keep them. So we buried our Girl, and Jonathan has never gone back to her gravesite since that burial day. I have though and feel pretty peaceful there. Some days I take my fold up chair and my tablets and journal and sit for a couple of hours and write and draw, but less so now.

 

Shannon, I too loved what Laurie said. Thank you Laurie for your sweet sweet words the other day. I think that I am too busy at the end of the year to keep posts in mind. If Eri was able to help others here, well then she is made happy by that and I am too. She always wanted to help. In fact the other night I dreamed that I could not reach Erica on the phone, but finally i did, she answered and it was her voice. I said, ' hey Eri, how are  you, I was hoping to see you today. " In true ERi fashion, she yawned and said that she had just gotten up and in the dream I looked at the clock and it was 2:00PM. So really like her. She said she could not come by because she was helping out a friend who was feeling blue so she needed to stay. I told her that I understood and that I love her. " Love you too Mom." I felt happy when I woke, I was able to hear her voice after so long a time.

 

I began trying to compose my letter to my third graders today, I always write a letter to end our year. It just isn't coming but it will. In the tablet I was using I found some old poems I wrote about Erica. Some from 2005, two years after eri left.

 

Susan, two years is a hard mark of time, let the tears fall, let the river of salt mark your cheeks adn redden your eyes, it is after all nature, the nature of grief.

[SamDsmom]

Thank you Kate and Dee. I loved Uncle Larry. He pushed us all away and it was very difficult for the last several years because he was so angry and mean at times. I keep seeing the look in his eyes that day. I am going to write the letter next chance when I have some quiet alone time. I know the girls know why he was that way but maybe if I can tell them from the prospective off someone who has experienced it, they will have some peace. I'm sure that he wasn't able to do that.

Debbie

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,
What you wrote about your ‘all day prayer’, I could really relate to that. I do the same. I am thinking, If I remember right, you had written after the one year mark of John David’s passing that you went through a time where you felt as if another layer of shock was falling away and I feel as if that is happening now. Very hard and when it happens I sometimes feel as if I am starting over on this journey. I know I’m not and that I have made steps, forward and backward and in circles, but I have made steps. I am teary a lot right now too. The tears just come and come along with that gut wrenching knee jerk reaction when my mind takes me to certain places.

 

Laurie,
I really liked that Rich Mullins song. I also bought the book you talked about. I just started it but had read one that was similar recently. ‘Celestial Conversations’. Can’t remember the author’s name right now.

 

Dee,
Thank you for sharing your dream of Erica with us. It made my heart smile that you had that little conversation with your Girl. I hope as time goes by I will have dreams like that and hear my Trista’s voice. I’d love to read the poems you found from those earlier days after Eri left.

 

Kate,
I’m glad that Ross is doing so well, getting his apatite back and being more active. It is a blessing, for sure. I bet he does want to make up for lost time and perfect timing since the weather will be nice. I am hoping for a beautiful summer for the two of you.

 

Debbie,
I read the story of your uncle and was moved to tears. My feelings are yes, write those letters. People can be very judgmental. I’ve had enough experience in my life to know never ever to judge someone who may deal with something differently that I might think I would. Your uncle was a wounded soul and suffered such a horrible loss.

 

Wade, How are you?

 

Carol,
I’ve been thinking of what you wrote, how we have similar but backward experiences. It’s so hard. I sometimes get so sad when I think just a few years ago we had this little family. We were young, just starting out, happy. Now, it’s just me and Zak. Sometimes I hear the phrase in my head… And then there were two and I’m so overwhelmed with sadness. I didn’t give myself the time I needed to grieve for my husband. People said things to me like ‘You’re young. You’ll remarry. You’ll start over’. I know they meant well but it made me feel pushed to ‘move on’. When I lost Trista I felt like the only person who might understand the way I felt was Terry and he left first.

 

It’s a beautiful sunny morning. I went out to the deck with my coffee and watched the birds. A little hummingbird came up to the feeder and then on to Trista’s garden to check out the flowers there. Her garden is starting to bloom with roses and lilies and daisies. I’ll post some pictures. The first lily opened up two days ago and each morning there are more.

 

Something kind of neat happened. I wanted to get some kind of a statue for Trista’s garden, a fairy or a Goddess, something Tris would love. I looked but they were all so expensive. Then my MIL decided to get Goddess statues for her garden, a set of four, 5 feet tall. They were beautiful. I admit I was just a little jealous. One arrived just a little cracked at the base of the statue. The company replaced it for her but said to do whatever she wanted with the other one as it would cost more to ship back than it was worth in that condition. They are really heavy. Anyway, she asked if I would like to have it for Trista’s garden. The crack at the bottom is barely visible and if I plant flowers around her feet it won’t be visible at all. I will have a Goddess to watch over Trista’s garden. I think it will be beautiful and something Tris would love and it happens to be Persephone, a Goddess of Spring and Summer, daughter of Demeter, part of the triple Goddess symbolism that Tris loved. I wrote a poem for Tris not too long ago about Demeter and Persephone.

 

Some pictures from Trista's Garden

[Sailormom]

Why are MasterPatricks post deleted????

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Posted from Betsy, mom of Rich, "Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”

 

This saying spoke to me the day you posted it...I am still fighting against this new reality...and I am not resigned to it yet...perhaps never...

 

When I read this saying it brought me back to what I felt pressed to create for your Rich's angelversary...that piece of writing was in a style that reminded me of the quote you posted...wishing you peace in this journey...

 

*****************************

 

Kate, I liked Dee's writing to you...Go Team Ross...we are all waving to you both, cheering you on!

 

Shannon, the garden for Trista is stunning...very dainty and how I picture Trista....the book I mentioned, the author had some spiritual experiences that reminded very much of some of my moments with Jesse before he left...like I wrote before, my belief system (overly rigid and too defined by others but I just didn't know...) blew apart after Jesse...which has shifted my view of heaven and God...

 

I am hoping to get out and change some things at Jesse's site...

 

Dee, it was good that you could visit Erica's site, your son wanting the burial site and then not being able to go...Christina has been to Jesse's site twice...and my other son, only once...it is hard for them to see Jesse's resting place for his body...and I think they prefer to think of his spirit elsewhere....

 

Thanks for the invite to Erifest...I will have to see if that would work out...my car is not the best travel mobile these days...

 

Debbie, I was very moved the story of your uncle...from my readings and talking with others I think there are some that just can never make it past a certain point of grief...the pain is just too great...I remember the summer before Jesse died... while on lunch from my workplace at the truckstop across from the store, I "coincidentally" met a truckdriver there...a random stranger to me....he shared his sad story....he had two son losses...one died from an overdose and one from suicide...he had a certain haunted look...

 

Susan, noticed you are a little more quiet...I have been in a "silent and stumbling" stage lately...and anger too...

....the idea of getting a tattoo of a mermaid...with the JD initials sounds like it would fit you...I thought what Lora had was so pretty and delicate for Cara...

 

Wade, just wondering how are you doing???

 

Cherry, Wanda??

 

Sherry, are you getting anything yet from your gardens? We always were able to get an early salad from ours...just lettuce and radishes....the other day we had another visitor to the yard...a deer who is convinced she should graze in the yard...my daughter said....look at the cute deer...who wandered over and started to chow down on a newly planted tree...why is it with all the food that is available in the woods and fields they always want whats in the yard?

 

Becky and Gretchen, thinking of you both today...

[Steve s mom]

Cherry,

 

Sorry I am late for Kylies Angelversary.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have been reading....so much food for thought...

I have had to go back to the eye Dr. about 3 times...a change in prescriptions....the Dr. was somewhat puzzled about it taking so long to clear up.....and he asked me ..'if I was a sensitive person?'.....and I asked what did he mean....and he said a person that cries easily....

so....I had to tell him about losing John David...and I progressed into sobbing....

he was so very kind but uncomfortable...he asked questions....and once I got myself in control....I could tell him  a little of my story...

but...he said that my tears seem to be washing away the drops I put in...

well....that is a Catch 22 for sure...

even more reason for me to follow my instinct in not relating that 'story' to people I don't know...

 

I seem to have had more people traffic coming and going in my home...

we had to have a leak detection co. come out...our pool was losing water....then...we had a company to come and repair the leak...another 2 day repair...one team came and did their job...(lots of jackhammer noise all day)...then the other team...

all fixed....

 

Randa, Pebbie and I traveled to League City for a get together to celebrate Josh's graduation....on Sunday...the ceremony was at 7:30...we did not attend due to getting back too late was out of the question...so Jesse and Heather had a gathering of family and friends...so nice...hard for me to believe that my children have children graduating and going off to college...Josh is going to LSU.....yes...they will have to pay big $$$ for out of state tuition....but they remember that we did the same for them....we just wanted them to go to the college of their dreams...Randa...University of Hawaii...Jesse to Millsaps in Miss.  and Aaron to Auburn....the other kids went to Texas schools...thank goodness...

  John David called Josh...Big Boy...oh...this kid is so sweet...so handsome....and oh..oh..so smart...he did got lots of $$$ in scholarships....we are blessed....

there is going to be a little brother that is going to be looking around the corners...and running to the front door...and missing that loving big brother....

 

[Jeff's Mom]

I too have been quickly reading. I hope to reply later tonight. Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts on Ross. We are so pleased that he is doing pretty good at this point. The neuropathy is still driving him crazy, but it is a small inconvenience given other side effects. Shannon, love the pics! Susan, will read your post again and respond.