Members shorty16 Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 WadeI am rolling on the floor in laughter. "I am not a weed" picture is priceless.Our bleeding heart was not that big, because each year he thinks it is a weed. Too funny. This time he took roots and all.I am going to laminate that sign and post a picture. Should have it done in a couple weeks.Thanks, Wade. I have not laughed that hard in a long time.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 WadeI am rolling on the floor in laughter. "I am not a weed" picture is priceless.Our bleeding heart was not that big, because each year he thinks it is a weed. Too funny. This time he took roots and all.I am going to laminate that sign and post a picture. Should have it done in a couple weeks.Thanks, Wade. I have not laughed that hard in a long time.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Tiffani passed away today. Your children have a new friend in heaven. They will really like her. Everybody did! Brooks, I know you'll be right there to greet her. You guys were such good friends. Her pain is gone and now her new life can begin. Show her around and introduce her to all your friends. I know you will, buddy. Love ya, son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Shannon, that truly was a beautiful poem...it really captured the elusive essence of what we are dealing with on a daily basis... Wade, what a tribute to have Brook's picture placed on the scoreboard...he looks like he enjoyed baseball so much...looks like he has a new team up there...I am sorry to hear of Tiffani, so hard for the family.....so sad... Debbie, you are under such a heavy load with everything...it is best to be true to your own heart, and in time, you will know for yourself the path that will emerge...grief is a very individual journey and how we process this most horrible nightmare, it is not always a choice, it is what it is. Be gentle with yourself and guard against harsh judgements at this time. Susan, I know those crying days...thought of your John David just yesterday...how our children must have guided us here, even though they are more than OK there... Gretchen, thank you for sharing the songs... Becky, also wondering how your family is doing... Dee, I bet you are glad that the school days are almost over...it sounded very hot in that classroom... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Wade, I'm so sorry about Tiffany. My heart goes out to her family and you. Please take care. I know she is in good hands Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Laurie, Thank you for your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 lately i do feel like i am never coming out. i seem more weepy than ever. i think i'm just losing more of the protective layers and disbelief. i don't like it much but it feels a little more real than the wax mannequin state i've been in most of the time.Yea, I know what you mean... Just got back from Milwaukee after a huge job of fixing my parent's bathroom... As I get closer to my house, I get more and more overwhelmed with anxiety and dread...so many times after a trip away my first stop would be at Jesse's house...to catch up with him...now what do I do? Call his cell phone, listen to his recording...muster up some energy to go to a grave site, in some strange way, i am still searching for him...it doesn't matter what my logical mind says, there is just no logic for this new reality, it was not supposed to be again... I feel like such a failure...I failed to keep my first son safe, and I tried with Jesse and he gets killed on the way to a doctor's appointment that I recommended...REALLY?? No, I do not ever think I will accept this reality... I am sorry to be such a downer.....especially for those with all the upcoming dates... ******************** Its okay Debbie, sending out a hug... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Okay, I see that Colleen was able to post, I was going to tell Wade for Colleen, that she loved the photo. It was a hoot indeed. My Son's family have some bleeding hearts in their yard, three tall plants put there many years ago by his Daddy. Wade, God bless Tiffany, she is seeing freedom for the first time and is being shown this new place so filled by love. I am sure that it is Brooks that has taken her by the hand to help her cross-over, she was not afraid. Debbie, there have been many things said over the last several months that make me want to scream that your husband has said to you. That said, I totally get not wanting more change at this time. I get it, and sometimes couples find ways to work through it but I will be your cheerleader if you need to leave him. I don't think any of us need to feel apologetic for having a broken, no, shattered heart. Get the headphones.Laurie, you did not fail your Boys, they most of all want you to know that, to believe that. For reasons we don't get to know until we join those dearhearts, they had to leave. They love you completely, as you love them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sholl1955 Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Hello dear friends,I have been reading but stepped back a bit for awhile. I decided to take the advice I am quick to give to others and decided to take a few days over the long weekend to get away just by myself and to try to take care of me. With my hubby in rehab recovering from his surgery it seemed the right time. I decided to go to a place that we have gone as a family every Memorial Day weekend for the past 15 years. We all looked forward to it, even the sons in law. It was truly a "family weekend" and we created some funny and special memories. Now since Sarah is gone it is too difficult for my dear Rachel to go there as she cannot bear to be there without her sister. I understand and respect that. My little Maddie loves to go there and remembers the times with Mama there, and I will take her and Becca there again sometime. But I felt that I needed to go there by myself this year. I went Friday after work. It is about 2 hours away. So, on my drive there I listened to the soundtrack for the musical "Menopause" (Sarah and a friend of mine and I went to see it several months before she died and laughed so much?) Once I arrived I knew it was the right choice as it is a very peaceful and quiet place. I felt very close to Sarah immediately. While there I had a couple of signs that I know came from her. I have not had many signs but here, I felt her presence. I had many many memories and some were bittersweet. I spent a lot of time driving in the area, shedding many many tears ,mixed with laughter at some of the silly memories. The people who own the B&B have become like family and when Sarah died they created a beautiful waterfall/rock/flower area as a memorial to Sarah. I was able to put flowers and a figurine there, which brought me peace since I cannot do this at her site. I listened to her music on her I phone, and visited our favorite spots. It was good for me to get away and I realized that my grief is a private thing that I will carry alone and that is ok. I didn't have to be concerned that anyone was bothered by my tears. I could listen to whatever music touched my heart, even if it was "Menopause" And I could remember, and cherish the life of my sweet Sarah. Did I come home rested? I think so....... I will go there again. To spend time with my girl. I have read all of your posts and hold you each in my prayers and in my heart. We all understand the pain.Have a restful night.Sandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sholl1955 Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 I just wrote a long post and lost it when I hit reply. Ugh. Will write more again later. Thinking of all of you and praying for a restful night.Sandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 You know Wade....my son, John David, always liked those pretty girls....and those pretty girls always like him....so I am thinking....that he is around Tiffany....when she makes that big presentation...he is just the one....to make her feel welcome....and also....to make her feel 'pretty'.... that is just the way I see it...and feel it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 I don't know what is going on...when I hit reply...I have a huge ERROR MESSAGE....so....anyone else ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Laurie....please remember what I learned.......we are not Super Humans....we are simply humans with a Super Human kind of love....you have no control....you have no power...'except the power TO LOVE...we are not an umbrella of control over our children or ourselves...we...are...just...parents....that love our children...with that said...I am with you...in the powerlessness...in the not in control...in the vast....sky...and I am simple enough..to cry with you...it is that simple...it is that simple...I have a shattered heart like yours...and I don't know where to go either...right now...and I don't know what to do...is this right ?Is this wrong ?go to the right or left or this path...? Just want everyone to know ..there is no right or wrong way to travel this path... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 I got the ERROR message once or twice on Sunday evening and then Col got it so I was going to respond to Wade for her but she resolved it. I think that Sandy thinks her post disappeared but it did not...so the ERROR sign is coming after we post oddly. Hopefully it will go no further and we don't have to worry about it. I think Debbie was affected today by it. Peace out and sleep deeply. PS Sandy, I am so glad that you went to that place where so many good memories lined your days. You were better able to receive messages from Sarah there-maybe more because you were able to allow it all, you were not taking care of Hubby nor rushing off to work, you were simply in this beautiful place that you and Sarah both loved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Goodnight Maya Angelou and thank you for your sweet and profound words. She and Erica share a birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lovU2themoon Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Thinking of you all and reading your posts and always remembering i am not alone.Grateful for this site. Wanda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Oh Miss Maya....I have not met anyone that could 'touch' me since Essie died....but you could and did...and then I realized that you and Essie had that remarkable persona...of understanding what unconditional love meant...what true honesty sounded like ....what courage looked like....and that keen eye for knowing how to spot and recognize a hypocrite ...and what a wise lesson to learn how to do that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Oh Miss Maya....I have not met anyone that could 'touch' me since Essie died....but you could and did...and then I realized that you and Essie had that remarkable persona...of understanding what unconditional love meant...what true honesty sounded like ....what courage looked like....and that keen eye for knowing how to spot and recognize a hypocrite ...and what a wise lesson to learn how to do that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 This is 'one' of my very favorite Maya quotes.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 the site is not posting attachments...tried on 2 posts...still getting the error message, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tre's Mom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 I lost my beloved 22 year old son Tre on February 3, 2014. My heart is so shattered I don't know how it beats. I pray it won't. I loved my son with every fiber of my being. How could he take his own life? I am afraid he thought he didn't matter to anyone, that he had so much to offer this world. He was the kindest most sensitive person I've ever known. He was loved so very loved how could he not know that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 dear tre's mom. i am so sorry for your terrible loss. i lost my 28 year old son forest almost 3 years ago. his girlfriend fell asleep at the wheel and hit a parked semi at 67 mph. please keep coming here and post anything and everything you need to. we truly understand how awful it feels, how hard it is to wake up everyday and find a way to put one foot in front of the other. surely your son knows how very much you love him. i feel those very sensitive kids like your tre are like the song "Vincent" says "the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" and the tragedy of life can be overwhelming. too young to know things can maybe change. we kind of feel as if we have been led here and our children are together somewhere in the cosmos. i will ask my son to watch for yours. there are others here whose child committed suicide. i hope they will be able to share and comfort you like no one else can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 debbie i just read your post. i also get that you don't want to make a change right now. way too much to deal with. keep venting to us if it helps. i know it does me and also i do the several weeks then cry and scream and sob thing. then i feel better for a while. i think we need a physical release as our grief is effecting us physically it makes sense. it isn't that we like to be sad we need to be sad. sam deserves mom to be brokenhearted of course and sometimes you have to let yourself feel it after trying to hide it away in front of everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Tre's mom, I'm so sorry to hear about Tre. I lost my Sam on September 21, 2013. I can so relate to everything you said. Feeling like your heart cannot go on beating and that nothing else matters. I thought I was going crazy and could not carry on. I still feel that way more than not, but I found this place and know that I am not crazy, other people have felt the same way and have managed to deal with the horrible loss. Please tell us more about Tre. Everyone here truly cares and I feel they are my family. Glad to know I'm not losing it with all the double and triple posts. Waiting to hear where we are headed next. Laurie, You are on my heart today I have more to say to everyone today but I have to get to work. I will have more time when we get on the road. Thank you guys. You are my lifeline. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Some new pictures of Sam I got from his friends. I hope they attach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Sandy, I know for me there are times when I feel necessary to be apart...and just to keep a certain space dedicated to Jesse, it sounds like that is what you did with your Sarah, remembering her, calling her name deep within your heart...I know I need those days of mourning and remembrance.... Wanda, I think of you often, the heart aches to hold our sons again... Tres Mom, I echo what Gretchen wrote to you....please come back and share when you can, or just read if that is all you can do... Susan, thank you for the post back, just wiped out after having to hold it together for so long... Debbie, we all need a safe place to vent while we process our emotions....that is why I believe in my heart I was guided here...to a safe harbor...to rest and set my anchor in for awhile... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Tres Mom.....please tell us more about your boy.....and yes....we know just how hard this grief journey can be...simply horrific at times....we may not have any answers for you...but we do share common ground in mourning...and we are here to hear you....if you can...please re-read some older posts....there may be a word or words that can give you a sliver of comfort... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Laurie....you have been carrying a heavy burden of grief....I am thinking that with Jesse's grief....it brought on the grief you did not give in to when you lost your infant son...so....you are now grieving for both of them....that is very heavy.... IF....the devil had another name...it would be 'guilt and shame'....you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about....you simply don't have that kind of control.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 I miss you Kylie....I miss you so much... Hugs to everyone, Kylie's Mommy- Mommy Cherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted May 29, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 Tre's Mom, I will just echo everyone else and say you've found a good place, though I wish none of us had to be here. When you're ready please tell us more about Tre. It sounds like he was a sweet and loving person and I know your heart is completely shattered. On June first it will be one year since I lost my 17 year old daughter, Trista. She was killed when the car she was a passenger in was t-boned by a tanker truck. I am shattered too. We all are here and so we can offer our hand to each other because we all know the pain of losing a child. This place and the people here have been a lifeline to me. I read the word 'family' a lot here and that is truly what it is. Like others have said, I know in my heart I was guided here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 29, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 29, 2014 I lost my beloved 22 year old son Tre on February 3, 2014. My heart is so shattered I don't know how it beats. I pray it won't. I loved my son with every fiber of my being. How could he take his own life? I am afraid he thought he didn't matter to anyone, that he had so much to offer this world. He was the kindest most sensitive person I've ever known. He was loved so very loved how could he not know that? I too echo what everyone here has already said. I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this awful loss of your precious Tre. I have walked in your shoes and know the crippling pain associated with losing a child this way. My own son passed away on December 12, 2009. I will offer this much to you...I know for now there will be a long time that you will have too go through this very painful grieving process. But I will also tell you that down the road...in time... life will not seem as harsh as it does at this moment. Please do come and share your son with us when and if you are able. Please feel free to pm me if you would like to talk. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Wade,I love, love, love the photo of the bleeding heart with "this is not a weed" in front of it.Our bleeding heart was not that big, because is was the victim of my weed-pulling husband.Thanks againColleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel Boy of Mine Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Wanted to share this picture with you, of my oldest son, Jerry and his new wife, Katy, just married on May 10th. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Becky, how wonderful. What a beautiful couple they make. Congratulations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Kelly...I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Tre. I don't have a lot of answers right now, but seek this place often if you can, and we will grieve with you...cry with you...rage with you...and eventually find hope with you. I would love to know more about Tre. Sharing my son, Brooks, has been a blessing for me here. I can truly tell you that the beautiful souls who frequent this place have been my "rock" to which I cling daily. Wanda...Yes, you are not alone...we are all in this together...a journey apart. We are all tethered to the same rope and hold each other steady as our journey continues. Kate...Sorry about the Canadians...dang it! Who would Jeff root for now cuz that's who I'll root for? Sandy...I am glad you had that time on Memorial Day. It is right that we find those who will help us laugh and find hope. I am also glad that you found some peace that day...new memories are so important. I find that I am constantly trying to make those new memories...and smiles and laughter are part of that...bittersweet, yes. Becky...That is a wonderful picture...congratulations! Always thinking of you and constantly praying that you are continuing to heal. Gretchen...You are so right that this is a place where others will reach out and share that comfort and compassion that only we understand. Debbie...You are an amazing woman...so much going on...and yet you are always "there" for others. Wish I had some good advice. I would echo Gretchen in that you make your decision with contemplation...but we all want you to be happy. Prayers coming your way. I don't know if this helps, but sometimes I just sit in a quiet place and ask Brooks what I should do, or what I think he would have me do. You know your boy's heart... Laurie...Sorry I didn't send positive thoughts your way the other day. You have been working so hard for others...it is right that you find time for yourself. I also wanted to tell you that I had watched that video about the homeless man getting a house with my students. They thought it was so touching. Amazing how we are all so intertwined...our children are truly bringing us together. Susan...John David and Brooks would have fit together perfectly. Brooks always had those words for the girls to make them feel like they were on a pedestal. Didn't matter how they looked...he just looked inside to see what kind of person you were. One of the things I so admired about him...I don't remember being like that when I was his age and I feel less for it. Some of Brooks' best friends are girls who wouldn't be in a beauty pageant, but are the most beautiful people I've ever met. I guess he knew with his addiction that life can change you and superficial attributes don't last... He still did like the "pretty" girls though. Dee...Last day of school today...yeh! Made about 300 dogtags for all the kids. Fun to watch them play on the bouncy "things". I have numerous pictures of Brooks doing the same thing...brought back memories, but it was ok. Hope your year ends well too. Was only going to post this video that was made for Tiffani, but wanted to say a little more. Know I missed some of you. Shannon...Lora...Cherry...Colleen...Carol...Maryann...Jan... What would I do without you? I don't want to know!!! Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 KELLY: I also am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Tre. You have found a good place to be...a "soft place to land" when everything seems so hard and callous, and when your tears are coming on and even when they are not. Do share your Tre with us, when you are ready. Things have been so busy with Kim coming home from the hospital....a few more trips back to the doctor for checking on things not seeming to go right. He has assured her that while she does need to keep a very cautious eye for possible infection, that otherwise, the healing, while slow, is going as anticipated. She has been resting here and is planning on returning to Virginia next Friday. She will be flying home (though she does not like flying) as she does not feel ready for a 12 hour car trip. Even though he is very caring towards her, her fiancé nonetheless will not be likely to "stop every couple of hours" to allow resting time. He is a "get in and drive til you are there" type. Sometimes they will stop for a view of something pretty or peaceful, but not for long and it's back on the road again. So, flying this time is the best option. Thank you all again, so very much for your prayers and support. It has indeed been a trying time. I get so afraid when one of them is so seriously ill, and it just eats up my strength and courage, which I know that I need to show them while they are so vulnerable. And all the while, they are trying to hold me up! WADE, I love the scoreboard posting for Brooks, especially with the pictures...they don't do the pictures at Fenway, but we always have Mike's birthday announced, and a few words of how he is missed, or that he is with us. I know he is beaming when it is shown. I wish so much I had done it while he was still here, but sometimes our brain just isn't working when we are in that position. SHANNON:, you mentioned in your post a ways back: "I was in this place before and now I'm here again and searching even harder, looking even deeper. I never fully left that place before, and now I think that I will always live in that place in between." Those words have been living in my heart since my husband left this earth, and only now, reading your writing of them, have they "come together" to make sense to me of how I am feeling. Unlike you, I did have two in my family who had lost their spouse...my sister and my sister-in-law (my dad and mom had been gone for some time). However, they did not ever speak of their loss, and let it be known that they did not wish to, nor to speak of anyone else's losing their spouse. Being "in this place before" for me is the reverse from what it was for you...I lost my child first, and had my husband to walk this journey with those first years...now that my husband is gone, I do not have that child to help see me through this profound loss of my soul mate. I am so very grateful for my daughters who have been so very supportive. And though different in chronology, I know that with this "double loss," you understand how my journey is filled with setbacks more so than I had ever imagined. I think the time you lived away for a while, in the barn, was a healing time for you...I am so glad that you were able to do that, and to find it a valuable time for you. "...Sun warming my skin, the winds soft caress..."..."and it all makes sense..." "...today it's cold. Today it's grey..."..."The sun won't shine and the music won't play..."Today I'm lost and I don't understand..."...nothing makes any sense." COLLEEN: I too have learned to keep that "box" at bay, but sometimes it just spills out and off the shelf...unbidden, but not unnoticed. Other times, I am able to keep it locked away...for a while. GRETCHEN...your posting of the song by Bruce Springsteen, speaks so loudly to me right now...the "missing" is a huge part of my days and nights...changing of the season generally puts me in this place, and now that my husband is not here either, the days are difficult very often to adjust to. I do relish the winter being gone, of course, but all of the missing that comes with this delight sometimes makes it hard to fully enjoy the warmth of the sun. We've not had much of it, anyway...most days have been cold, rainy, damp...but the occasional sun and warmth are good despite my overlay of sorrow. BECKY: The wedding picture is beautiful...I wish them many happy years together. thank you for sharing such joy. KATE: I too, have lost all sense of time since young Mike died, and even more so since his dad died. It is coming up on two years since his dad left, (impossible, both my mind and my heart scream) and it will be SIX years in October since young Mike died...(not only impossible, but unimaginable, they scream) and yet the days and nights are a blur, and sometimes it seems like I haven't seen them in decades. I too am glad Ross got the tree in, and you are now able to walk to Jeff's site, without hazard of mud or snow. It is better now here also to go to the cemetery and not see young Mike's and his dad's stone buried under the ice. DEE: So glad to know that the ending of the school year is close for you. I know that you love your days at school with the kids, but I know that you also dearly treasure those warm summer days on your porch with a good read at hand. As well, now you have the beautiful little pink princess to spend time with, so those days are richer, I'm sure! CHERRY: So glad you were able to have those good days away...I pray the sense of peace you felt will stay with you. LORA: I too am a "sky watcher." My neighbors likely wonder about the state of my mind, as I walk with Lucy with my head tilted up most of the time, my camera at the ready for unique cloud streaks across the sky, and of course, cloud formations as well. It just captures my mind and holds it in a steady place, instead of the usual wandering and loose thinking that seems sometimes to ramble to many places at once. The ocean is even better for such a "capturing" of my thoughts and holding me in a steady place of peace. DEBBIE: I am so sorry for all of the troubles you have faced and are facing. However, please don't think that you are a "downer" talking about them...that is why we are here, to bounce things off each other, to allow each other to vent when there is no place else we can go that will understand the need for us to do this. I too, like DEE, and so sorry for all of the mean things that your husband has said to you. I can't imagine how difficult this is, with your being in such close proximity all the time and unable to find a release place while on the road. SHERRY: You and your husband must be busy getting in all the plants for the growing season. Do you have any large fields of vegetables? I think at one point I remember your mentioning fields of corn...is that right? Are you planning days with your grandchildren this summer while they are out of school? Wanda, Maryann, Susan, Lorrie, Sandy (so glad you received your signs from your Sarah, and they brought peace to you in such a special place for you both), and any I have not mentioned, I carry all here to prayer each day, for peace and some new moment of joy to find their way into your hearts, even if only for a bit of time...over time, those moments become longer, and this is what we hope and live for, for now, in honor of those who have gone ahead of us... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Kelly I am glad that you came here to share your broken heart as we have all found so much care and connection here. I am deeply sorry for your ache in losing your Sweet Son. There are no answers to the many questions we have when we outlive our Child, and time takes on such an abstract quality that it feels as though each day must surely be a horrid dream...eventually, I promise, the sun will touch your skin again, you will hear the birds sing, but right now, there is simply loss. I lost my Girl Erica Eileen nearly 11 years ago, and writing that still astounds me, how could it be 11 years, and how could it BE? It takes time and care to find your footing. The order of all things has been altered. Keep talking about Tre, talk to Tre if that feels okay to you, talk to us, go to a therapist if it works for you, one who has dealt with grief...join a group like Compassionate Friends if that works, take walks to get outdoors as that helps your soul, and know that Tre loves you all the time. One thing that I always tell new parents here is to take very good care of your body, your loss might prevent knowing that you need to eat and drink plenty of fluids, if you took vitamins before then take them still, your body needs you to take as good of care as you can. We know that grief is exhausting and depleting, and while you may not see the sense in taking care of yourself when your world has collapsed, you are still here. We are here alongside you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Wade...CHICAGO!!! Two or three of the players are from Winnipeg, most notably Toews. Winnipeg used to be called Chicago of the north years ago. Sandy, I was very pleased to see that your holiday weekend was restful and successful. You needed that time to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Shannon, the words that Carol mentioned in her post struck me too, "I was in this place before and now I'm here again and searching even harder, looking even deeper. I never fully left that place before, and now I think that I will always live in that place in between." I had in my heart thought that maybe some months ago, that I would always live that in between state now...but your words Shannon just said it just perfect. ******************************** Carol, sending prayers for your daughter Kim...it is good that she was able to have the extra special care from you...and for her just to rest and recover... ...and what you had written about the change of seasons, yes, I am glad winter is done, but with the spring so much to be remembered...what I would have been doing now, and should be doing with my Jesse.......I have needed to get away from my home area here, there were too many memories to deal with... **********************************Wade, I did watch Tiffani's video...she is a very talented young lady...now singing in God's light...thanks for sharing.... **********************************Dee, thanks for being here, you offer such good words of advice and it is spoken in a very gentle, wise way...it is easy not to care about ourselves and just plain "forget" in the sorrow...your Erica Eileen is smiling with all the deeds you have shared in her memory and love... **************************************Becky, the picture of your son and his new wife is just beautiful...wishing them the best as they begin a new chapter of love in life... *********************************** Cherry, saw your post below...know you are missing your little angel girl, Kylie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Becky....maybe I missed a posting...but I did not know you had an older son....I thought J.D. and Jasmine were your only children....that is a very special wedding photo...and now....you have a 'new beginning' in your family...and new reasons to have celebration in your family circle... Wade...what a birthday present from Shauna...amazing...and I think it is just 'treasures' finding those messages and songs on Brooks phone...yes...I can understand why you would want to 'open' them slowly.....a little bit at a time...to savor... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Ok, I share everyone's frustration at having a long post then losing it all. I'm going to try again. Kelly,Please keep coming back and tell us about Tre when you can. I know that this is a place that I can talk about Sam and everyone listens. I know that here, he will never be forgotten. I can say his name all day long, talk about the hole in my heart and my friends get it. It doesn't make them uncomfortable and they care as I do about them. Laurie, I too understand that place between. For me it's like I'm watching the rest of the world and doing my best to fit in. I know the guilt and shame, mine for not being able to solve the puzzle. Intellectually I know Sam Would not want me too feel that way but my heart tells me differently. I know Jesse David would want the same peace for you. When i was doing Addiction Counseling I really liked using the cognitive model. Changing your thinking and the feelings would change. I've used it with other struggles It's just not working so well for me now.Thanks for all your support. Shannon, Thinking of you and Trista today I know your year is coming up. Another first. The anxiety of another milestone without our babies. You are in my prayers. Carol,Glad to hear Kim is doing well. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Thank you for your kind words. Susan,After watching Tiffani's video last night, I got the picture of John David and Brooks welcoming her to heaven. She was singing and Sam dancing. Thank you for sharing Essie's wisdom. You definitely inherited it. Gretchen, You and Forest are in my heart today. Thank you for reaching out to me. Wanda, Glad to see your post. Maybe I missed something, did you make a decision to host your next trip. I know it would be so hard without Lane.Dee,Glad you are out of school. I'm so grateful for all your sharing and nurturing. I know that Erica is up in heaven with all our angels doing the same for them. Sandy, So glad you got some time with Sarah. Feeling her presence. I so long for more of that with my Sam. I hope that when things calm down for me I can do that also. Colleen,I am praying for a day that I can put it in a box and have more control on when it comes out. Like Carol I find mine spilling out quite often Becky,Thanks for sharing the wedding picture. They look so happy. Beautiful. Cherry,Saw a picture of little Kylie from a older post. She always touches my heart. Know you are missing her. Lora,Thinking today might be a Taco Bell day. I always see Cara' big beautiful smile when I eat there. I used to take Sam there a lot and never liked it myself, but these days I like it more and remember how it seems to be a common thread around here. Kate, I bet it is an awesome time of year in your neck of the woods. I know Jeff's site must be greening up and beautiful. Hope Ross is feeling well. Wade, Thank you so much for your kind words. I watched Tiffani's video several times last night. What a beautiful young woman. A powerful voice that really touched me. I thought about the words you wrote. "You know your boy's heart". Sam would be so upset, hurt that I am going through this. I think he would understand the grief and sadness. But all that had compounded it would not make him happy. I am going to have to have a long talk with Jack when Max gets of the truck. I'm thinking a letter that I can read might be good. I get a lot of anxiety and sometimes things don't come out quite right. Sam and I used to joke...I told him that he needed to go to college and get a good job and make lots of money so he could take care of me when I got old. He had a very quick sense of humor. He told me that the plan was to marry a rich girl and stick me in the nicest home he could find so he didn't have to worry about me. Gosh, I miss him so much. I miss our talks. He understood his crazy old mom. When I worried about something going on with him, He would always say it's okay mom. It's really not a big deal.anyway, we are headed to Washington state. I'm just trying to maintain. It's difficult having Max on the truck, but this mess is not his fault so I'm trying my best to be happy and keep the grumpy weepies at bay. Wishing for peace for everyone today. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 Some new pictures that Sam's friend's sent me and a few of my grandchildren and daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted May 30, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2014 In Memory of Trista's angelversary June 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 Debbie, thanks for sharing the great pictures of Sam and his friends! Treasured memories for sure! Your dog looks very content and definitely found a home with plenty of TLC. Shannon, I know that this a very anxious time for you with Trista's special date fast approaching. Hold on my girl. You are very strong and have shown much courage in pushing through this first really difficult year. We are here for you. Kelly...how are you today? If ever you feel you would like to talk please know that you can pm me at any time. I am so sure that Tre knew how much he was loved. Did he suffer from depression? Depression is a very real illness and very much misunderstood. Holding you close. Kate Sending thoughts out to Laurie, Lora, Colleen, Dee, Gretchen, Cherry, Wade, Ted, Becky, Susan, Wanda, Sandy, Carol. Wishing you all a very peaceful evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 Feeling extremely sad and overwhelmed. Got that want to run away feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted May 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 Woke up this morning and went to Brooks' site and heard this song and thought, yes, it's a "brand new day" and life will get better. Then Renea comes home and says she was let go from her job. No reason...her supervisor had emailed her this morning and said she was done with her evaluation and would talk with her. Never did. Her supervisor's boss gave Renea the news. She just had a good evaluation...was never told anything was wrong...nothing to work on. Renea was a probationary employee with the state and they can just do this, I guess. Renea is so upset and angry. She worked so hard and doesn't even know what went wrong. It's not enough to be knocked down, but then you get kicked over and over again... Now I don't know if there will ever be a "brand new day." For all the words, it might never be ok again. If someone were to say to us "you will die tomorrow" we would ask "what's wrong with tonight?" God, we believe in your word...we try to live by your word...we do good works...we have been ever faithful, but you seem to have forsaken us. Why? What more do we have to give? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 Wade, I am glad that today was the last day of school for you, that there will be some time in which to tinker, grieve, tinker, grieve, get out of your routine a bit and wander. I am so sorry though, for Renea to have lost her job. Just like that with no explanation? Is there a union to protect her? A rep to investigate the findings? It is so hard to not take it personally, to feel that you have done something poorly and so they are letting you go???How hard this must be on her and you both. One day Wade, one day you will feel a sense of good returning to your lives. We are in school until the 10th of June this year, but soon enough. Eyes are slamming, got to get to bed, write more tomorrow,love you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 Oh Wade, I'm so sorry about Renea's job. I know this is going to sound cliche but I look back over every circumstance in my life where something like that has happened, unexplained, makes no sense, crazy out of the blue, God always opened a better door. I do understand that kicked in the teeth feeling. I lost a job under similar circumstances. No complaints, good evaluations, good work record, no explanation. As devastated as I was, an even better one was around the corner. I'm probably rambling. You're both in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2014 Thanks Debbie and Laurie for your very kind words. I wish so much that none of us had to ever know what losing a Child is, but since we do-I am glad to be here as one who is just a bit ahead, time wise, on this road. If I can just somehow make deep footprints for others to use... I don't know Wade if I told you how dear that video of Tiffany is. She is so lovely, good energy for sure and great talent as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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