Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and of Eri today as you celebrate her beautiful life. Thank you for all you do for all of us here. You are a blessing and your Girl is smiling always.

[SamDsmom]

ERICA, ERICA, ERICA....HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY ERICA!!!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Eri, surround your family with your beautiful spirit today as they celebrate your special day. Thinking of you and your family today Dee.

[Guest]

Dee, today I will celebrate the birth of your beautiful daughter, Erica, I hope you feel her love and presence.  Thank you for continuing to spread your daughters love and light.

 

[hoosiermom]

Dee, we share a love for this special day, for our girls share the same birthday   Today my youngest is 18 and preparing for graduation, then on to college to pursue a degree in music therapy.  She is combining her love for music and the memory of her sister and wants to work with disabled/special needs children.

 

Eri, we all love your momma and her beautiful words of wisdom for all the hurting souls here.  Be with her today and fill her heart with sweet memories.  Happy Heavenly 30th birthday!

 

Love and light,

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma

[ericasmom]

Jenn, you give that Daughter of yours an extra hug for me, i love 4-4. Have always loved the numbers. Long before I had my Girl I would wake up with insomnia at 4:44, and so did my Sister Eileen. Later on after ERi was here and my nieces and nephews and my own children were growing up, my niece Kari began to wake up with insomnia at 4:44. ERi was born on 4-4-84.

I am joyous at her birthday and aching at the same time. ThANK YOU ALL, FOR THE LOVELY THOUGHTS FOR OUR DAY, FOR THE DATE THAT BROUGHT MY GIRL TO US.  LOVE THE PHOTOS SHOP OF ERI AND HER BIG BRO IN OUR YARD LORA and the remembering of her nick names Carol and Shannon. She is with us all around, like the little sprite she is.

[shorty16]

Cherry

Dee is right on the mark.

Our beliefs and our very reason for living has changed.

Over time we develop different ideals, systems for dealing with life.

This process is so very slow and we tend to get frustrated that we are not moving along this grief process faster. There is no expected pace to which we walk this path of grief.

Each of us is different and that is the beauty of the site. We share our progress as well as our set backs.

Thanks for sharing

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[shorty16]

If any of my friends here are looking for something to do Saturday night, they can cheer for the Wisconsin Badgers in the final 4 college basketball game.

Go Wisconsin

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[SamDsmom]

Go Badgers! Colleen, Wisconsin was Sam's favorite team. He liked their basketball team, and loved the FB team. He was such a huge Russell Wilson fan. I have all of his Wisconsin jackets sweatshirts and jerseys. Funny how a young man from Kansas with no ties cane to love them.

I'll be watching and cheering.

Debbie

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Colleen,

For not being a sports person AT ALL (except I love football food) and the fact that I live in Ohio, it’s surprising but I own a Wisconsin Badgers sweatshirt. I had to buy it when we were visiting family in Kenosha. I forgot how chilly the lake winds can be. I mainly were it for gardening which is what I hope to be doing tomorrow so I’ll put it on and show some support for your team.

Cherry,

I have also found my beliefs evolving and changing. I went through it with the loss of my first husband and now with the loss of my Trista even more so. I have much more drive and need to understand things that I didn’t think about before. I have always considered myself a spiritual person but there were certain things I was okay with not delving into too deeply. That has changed a lot.

I’ve been doing a lot of sitting and thinking… wandering and wondering. I was in a pretty dark place for a while. The sentencing, hitting 10 months, so many things hit me at once. I’m feeling a little stronger. I’ve spent a lot of time in my room, cocooning. I miss my Girl so much and I feel so tired. It’s like all the weight of grief I’ve been carrying the last 10 months is pressing down on me. A friend stopped by to visit… I hadn’t seen her since the holidays. She kept remarking about the weight I’d lost. I hate when people do that. They act like I’ve been dieting too much or something. It’s really uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say without either being rude or making the person feel bad when I point out the connection to my weight loss and the loss of my Trista.

I come to read when I can and I think of everyone here often. I just am really weak and tired, physically and emotionally right now.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

Dee....have had you and your girl on my mind all day.....thinking of how a day of celebration can later create a day of going back and forth with every emotion that is on the human chart...clutching to the euphoric memories...hanging on to a day that we know we will never ..ever receive a gift like that baby placed in our arms and hearts....

   I had to sit by the phone for many hours today....so I had time to sit at my computer...so I created this for you and Eri....

    I picked some photos that seem to carry her free spirit...the one of the little girl in pigtails....it looks as if she is kicking up some sunbeams or moonbeams or stardust...

    I think she is the 'wild child' in the skies....I remember the photo of her in the tree....and I hold dear that photo of that shaft of light on that path....it is as if she was 'shining down' for you....

     You were the first to 'hold that life line' out to me....you really seem to know what different directions all of us are coming from...and what is really going on in our shattered hearts and splattered minds....

   You 'wave' us on.....you knowing how slippery the slope is ....that fine line....of us dropping to a 'bitter cup to drink'.....or us reaching for a 'better place to stand...

    I hope you can read the print on what I created....and if you PM me I will be happy to mail this to you....

   

[wgreenlee]

Happy Birthday, Eri...

 

I've heard so much about you and I wish you a wonderful birthday.  You are a light in my son's world...thank you!

 

ERI

 

ERI

 

ERI

 

Fly high!!!

 

 

Dee...Wishing today and always that Eri's presence fills you with peace and love!

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I would only caution a person about weight loss IF....you were really becoming malnourished...there is a difference .....

  Is your Dr. concerned ? If you haven't gone to a Dr. lately....get a check up.....just a follow up kind of appt.....

I think people should know that if there is a big loss in your life....other kinds of loss will follow...

loss of sleep....loss of focus....and loss of weight....

am sure your friends are just concerned...we do want you to 'self care'.....I had to go back to my 'self care'....was unraveling..

 

yes....our belief systems go through another kind of worm hole...

we come out on the other side in a whole different 'world'.....eye opening...mind opening..

[Steve s mom]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY ERI

MAY YOUR LOVE AND LIGHT SURROUND YOU MOM TODAY.

[Sholl1955]

Dee

Thinking of you today as you remember the day Eri came into your life.   No greater moment for a mom.

Sandy

[MissKylie]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Eri !

 

You will always be remembered. Happy Birthday! 

[ericasmom]

Thank you All as you sent well-wishes and love for Eri's birthday. Thanks Debbie for the lovely ERi creativity you made for me. Thanks for the thoughts and the photos and the creative ways you thought of Erica on her day, her 30th birthday. Amazing and lovey.

 

Now today marks the one year of my Grandgirl who is named after her Auntie, little Erica is ONE!

 

After school I went tot he cemetery but with this cold I have, I was so tired that I put my seat back and went to sleep for a quick 10 minute nap. It was too cold and muddy to stay long but took Eri the pink carnations that decorated the table at school in her honor. Last evening little Eri came by with her Momma and Daddy, and 7 of Erica's best buddies came over to share the evening with us. My Sweet husband did all the shopping, cleaning, and cooking for the group. He made pizzas and I made a salad. We had wine and a champagne toast with rasberries in our glasses. Baby-girl was surrounded by the love for her Auntie and the joy at being near her namesake. The stories and catching up on each of the Girls lives was wonderful. The last guest left at 11:30. I cleaned up the kitchen just needing that time alone. What a very full day. And 30 years ago, what a very full day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wow...Dee.....I did not know that their birthdays were just 'hours' apart....

that makes me 'give a pause'....

and I can only imagine the wonder of it all made you sit up straight...

 

love that photo of the 'Babydoll'....so glad you were surrounded by Eri's friends and family...keeping the glow !!

[ericasmom]

Yes, last year on ERI's 29th birthday, Jon and Shan came to dinner as we had done since ERi died, Shan was due in two weeks. They walked home and Jonathan called me and said, " Mom, guess what...we are in labor!" So the presence of Angels my friends. I can almost see ERi working her magic to say, " HEY, this will make everyone realize that we need to look forward to live now in this new day." Yes, Erica Elizabeth was born the next day, the 5th. Lovely. My great niece Piper was born the day before ERi's birthday adn she was 2 weeks late, so we have an April 3, 4th, 5th- two wonderful girls surrounding my Girl. The presence of Joy.

Thanks you Susan for the artistic rendering you posted of ERi in all of her nick-names and pink.

Wade too, the lovely way you posted Erica.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....that makes me emotional....coincidence ? I think not.....

   Wyatt John was born on Dec. 14th...my parent's wedding anniversary....and they would always have a 'celebration'....after they died..(8 mos. apart from each other)....that date would bring so many memories flooding in.....

now....I have another kind of celebrating to do on that date....I blew them a kiss when he was born....'thanking them and the Universe for giving me such a special gift'....

[daveydow1]

HAPPY   HEAVENLY  BIRTHDAY,  ANGEL  ERICA .   SWIRL AROUND HEAVEN

ON LOVELY PINK WINGS, AND SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MAMA. THE LOVE YOU

SHARE IS ALWAYS THERE.....SHINING THROUGH.

 

 

Dee----

Sorry I missed ERi's birthday.  Thinking of you on her day.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[ericasmom]

Susan, no coincidence there at all.

 

Sherry, glad to see you and thank you for the lovely colors and wishes for Erica and me. The tulips and daffodils are rising up through the ground, the amazing journey of plants and life, up through hard ground as the silent spring message reaches them.

[wgreenlee]

Dee...

So glad Eri's birthday went well...with memories of love.  That is how I hope it will be for all of us, as well.  Hope is eternal and infectious...thank you for that hope.

 

Hoping everyone is having a good weekend...peaceful...maybe with friends.

 

Brooks, you have good friends.  Lots of them.  So proud of you for being the kind of person who's earthly works made those friends.

 

 

Always love seeing and talking with you.  Every day, buddy...every day!  Keep up the good work!  We're going to get you a message on the video board at the Aces game for your birthday.  Jack is going to make it happen...another good friend.  I think I'll use your two favorite baseball pics.  That will be my birthday present, too.   Love you, son...forever and always.  Here's a song for you...and all your heavenly friends.

 

[wgreenlee]

Brooks...

 

Arise now my son

Life’s hardships will trouble you no more

Unfettered by earthly bonds

Spread your wings and ascend to grace

 

For there you will find old and new friends

Who have patiently awaited your arrival

They have seen your tender heart

And a smile to add to the light

 

Now begins a new journey

One filled with timeless wonder

Announce your arrival with music

Sing your name loudly to the angels

 

You ran a good race

Beside you I was proud to run

Together, as one, we lost and won

And now I can tell of your victory

 

But I must finish as well

As my feet still trod the course

An endless hill rises before me

And I am tired and worn

 

So I pray to your Father and mine

To see me through my fear

Of failing to finish in glory

And persevering in my struggles

 

Allow my boy to guide me

With whispers of encouragement

And a son’s unconditional love

To a father who is sorely in need

 

Let me see the finish line

Help me overcome my earthly loss

And with arms outstretched

Let me be held in my son’s arms for eternity

 

[Guest]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

But I must finish as well

As my feet still trod the course

An endless hill rises before me

And I am tired and worn

 

So I pray to your Father and mine

To see me through my fear

Of failing to finish in glory

And persevering in my struggles

 

Allow my boy to guide me

With whispers of encouragement

And a son’s unconditional love

To a father who is sorely in need

 

Let me see the finish line

Help me overcome my earthly loss

And with arms outstretched

Let me be held in my son’s arms for eternity

 

Wade.....these words need no turn up on the volume....

they do speak....'allow my boy to guide me'.....

those words are in the silent prayers of parents...beseeching our Father....

Please let my child touch..speak...guide..reach...me....

 

Lora....I, too, believe our children send signs....and one place is in the 'dates'....where coincidence..has to be ruled out...in the law of probability.....yes....your Cara smiles for all you do in her honor....as Dee says.....we now can stand...where they can't....I do like all you do.....and help us in determining 'what can we do for our child'.....

so many on this site teaches us that there are ways to still 'parent the child'....and your memorial stone has given many an insightful way to remember their child....

[andy88]

Happy Heavenly Birthday ERI!!  <3

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lora,

 

I went to Jesse's site today and finally could clean it up. I changed out the flowers and took down anything from Christmas.

 

Today was another day with synchonicity in it...

 

I stopped at a lady's house who hosts our church rummage sale to drop off my items...another woman from the church whose name is Kathy came up right after me. She was very distraught.

 

Both her brother and sister have cancer right now. She just came back from Washington State from the brother who is doing "ok". Kathy's sister is not though...she was going straight from there to tell her sister basically there is no more to be done medically. I had mentioned the book Final Gifts to her...to help her sister prepare to die. She was surprised I said this and asked if I worked in hospice. I told her I just had my son pass.

 

Then I remembered I just "happened" to have a prayer card with the 23rd Psalm on it in my purse. I just bought it, not my usual thing either. I gave it to Kathy for her sister as she breaks the news today. I told her with Jesse so many supernatural things occurred and at moments like these our "world" and the one we are transitioning to intersect, I know this to be true.

 

Here is a picture of what was on the prayer card with the 23rd Psalm. She is asking for prayer for her sister.

 

(Kathy's other two siblings have already passed away from cancer, both young)

[daveydow1]

Wade-----Thank you for the poem about the race & eternity. Yes,...we do feel

so tired and exhausted at times in this run, but the hope & faith that we will

be reunited with our dear children in the end, keeps us going.

 

Dee-----We have crocuses, hellebore, and a few other flowers up now. We

were out today, and when we came home, it was very evident that a bird

who had been to our feeders met its death there......probably from one of

the hawks that have been flying around the surrounding fields. My husband

thinks that it was one of the mockingbirds by the many feathers of their

coloring. I felt sad, of course. Soon it will be time to discontinue the feedings.

I wish the hawks could just concentrate on the mice, moles, and other small

rodents in the fields & barns.

 

Lora----Operation Shoebox is a wonderful way to honor the memory of

your dear daughter, Cara.

 

 

Susan-----

I, too, believe in 'signs' from the other side, and I am so grateful

whenever I am lucky enough to get one.  They may come just when we least expect

them to come. We hold onto them as Heart Treasures.

 

 

Laurie----

The 23rd Psalm card that you gave to Kathy was such a kind gesture

from you, and she no doubt appreciated it. The 23rd Psalm was the memory card

selected for my dad's funeral. It was his favorite Bible verse.

 

 

 

PEACE   AND  COMFORT TO ALL,  AND  MAY  YOU   HAVE   GOOD   NIGHT'S     REST.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, sounds like your plants are coming along nicely. Yes, it is sad when a bird gets killed, we are bird lovers after all. Yes, soon to stop the bird seed for the season. The birds seem to wait today for my husband as he raked the leaf layer off several planting beds. They were happy to have better access to worms.

 

Thanks Lora, I think that little Eri is surely a cutie. And yes, the dates are a gift for sure, no doubt.

 

Prayers are being said Laurie, for Kathy and her sister. You were in the right place at the right time, delivering what I am certain was not expected. How nice that a fellow traveler has found a way to receive a kind connection, helping her not feel so alone in all of this.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Little Erica is such a sweet little girl. I agree with you and with Susan, the dates, the numbers, they are not ‘by accident’. That is such a precious and beautiful gift.

Laurie,

How wonderful that you were able to be there at that time to share with Kathy. I am sending prayers for her family. I do believe in synchronicities. I’m glad you were able to get to Jesse’s site.

Sherry,

I have some life coming to my yard too. My Lenten roses, and the lilies and irises in Trista’s garden. I agree about the hawks. I hate to see ‘my birds’ attacked. I know it’s all the circle of life but still sad. I feel the same way when my male cats decide to hunt and bring me back a ‘present’. I wish they wouldn’t.

Lora,

I’m glad your brother is doing better. I know it has to be a long road for him. I love the ways you honor Cara by helping others in her name. I know she was that type of giving person… someone who wanted to help. I’m sure she is smiling at her Mom.

Wade,

Thank you for sharing your poem. I loved seeing the collage of ‘father and son’ pictures of you and Brooks. So much Love. I’m glad Brooks friends share that they go to his site and the things they do to remember him. For me, I know my Tris is thought but it’s good for my heart to see it. When I went to her site last week I saw to sets of fresh flowers (they needed to be removed by then but it was nice to see) along with a bag of gummy bears. Not what I typically take to her but it’s nice to see there had been some young visitors. I also wanted to thank you for the ways you honor our Children here. It was so good for my heart to open the site and see my Girls face with all of her Angel friends. I truly do believe our kids have connected with each other and what an awesome group they make.

Susan,

I have let my self care slip a little. I just got into a place that was hard to come out of but I am paying more attention now and I know that being able to be outside more with the fresh air and sunshine… it will help. I’m glad you were able to get back on track with it. It is important, I know.

Karen,

It was good to see your post. When I see Geoff’s picture, I can’t help smiling too. That smile is infectious. I like that you’re doing a garden for Geoff. I started one for Trista last summer. It’s been something that has helped me to create that space for her.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I’m a little sore today. Yesterday was beautiful… sunny and 60 degrees. I worked outside all day, taking breaks to read and have tea on my deck. Aiden ran around the yard and ‘helped’ in the garden. I got all my dirt for my planters mixed and have the planters on my deck ready for my morning glories. I have about 15 pots ready for flowers. I was outside until dark. I came in just in time to hear, “Oh crap, Mumsy! My rough draft of my biology project is due tomorrow”. My Zak is a procrastinator just like Trista. They got it natural though. So, I spent the next couple hours building a 3D model of bacteria. It was good team work though and we got it done. I now know more than I ever wanted to about the inner workings of bacteria. I enjoyed it. It brought back a lot of memories of working until 3 am on one of Trista’s projects that she forgot until the day before it was due and Zak and I had fun working on it together. I just told him next time lets spread the work out over a few days instead of a few hours.

Spring break is over and the kids are gone. Dani, my niece, came to stay a lot of spring break. With her come the Girls. She’s gotten very close to Trista’s friends. She is still grieving deeply for Trista and she prefers to spend her time off school here. She says she feels closer to Tris and that being with Trista’s friends helps her so much. Her friends at home don’t really understand. When she talks about Tris they act like she’s bringing them down and has had comments like… She was your cousin not your sister. They were very much like sisters though and we all know how close cousins can be. They spent every day together when they were little. My grandparents watched both of them while my sister and I worked. When I was able to stay home with my kids then I watched my sister’s kids so she could work. With Tris being two years older, Dani looked to her for so much. It was nice to have the Girls and Zak had a good time having them here but it’s nice to have the quiet again.

This is a poem that Dani wrote to Trista. I’m sure I’ve shared it before but it really speaks of the relationship between these two girls and of who Trista is.

Lead Me

I remember when we were walking, and it was dark and I was scared

But you took my hand and you lead me

And I remember when that boy broke my heart, and I was devastated and I cried

But you took my hand and you lead me

And I remember when I was uncertain of whom I wanted to be, and things were strange, and I was confused

But you took my hand and you lead me

And I remember when we were so little and you moved away, and I was so lost, and I sat and cried the first time I had to be without you

But you came back, and you took my hand and you lead me

And I know that you are happy now, I know that you are surrounded by love and beauty, and you deserve that more than any single person I know

And I think about you every single day

And sometimes it makes me cry, but sometimes my heart can feel full

Because I know that our love for each other is infinite, it will never fade, whether you are here or there

And I know that one day I will leave as you did, and things will be beautiful, and I will reach out

And you will take my hand and lead me

[Mermaid Tears]

not much time now....but that poem.....it is amazing...simply beautiful....

so simple...pure....and...true....I think I would suggest that she enter it in some prose/poetry contest....it is that good...

Shannon...you should frame that....

[SamDsmom]

It's been a few days since I've been able to post.

Lora,

Glad to hear your brother is making some progress even if it is small steps.

Kate,

Wondering about you and Ross. Please keep is updated.

Laurie,

That was so thoughtful of you to give your friend that card. I find that it helps a little to be able to share with someone and feel that maybe I might be able to make a difference for them.

Sherry,

Thank you for sharing. When I see the picture of Davy it always touches me. That big open smile.

Dee,

Little Erica is so cute! I loved the story of her birthday.

Wade,

The new pictures of Brooks are great. And the poem touched my heart. I so wish I could be in that place.

I am so scared that Sam would be upset because I am so sad. I can't seem to move on from this place that I'm in. For awhile there would be good moments and bad but now I feel stuck. My husband doesn't it's good for me to come here. He said it makes me relive it. He doesn't understand what my friends and all of the wonderful angels here do for me. He tells me I am just feeling sorry for myself and I have a choice. If I really believed in God I would rejoice that I will see him again. He said I use Sam's death as an excuse to feel sorry for myself. Of course this adds to my feelings of guilt and shame due to the old pull yourself up by the bootstraps philosophy I was raised with. No time for self pity and cry babies. Intellectually I know this is a bunch of crap. But I am in a very low place.

I think about leaving but I don't think I can handle another change or loss right now. I feel paralyzed. I have avoided bringing this here because it feels so stupid.

The attorney called last week. He said that there are so many discrepancies in the police report, coroner's report and autopsy that he is afraid that the railroad attorneys would tear us apart in court. He said that the police investigation was a joke. He said he would take the case if I wanted him to but the way Kansas law reads there was no way I could win. He felt like I really needed to look at the investigation and make a decision about looking into the police department if that's the route I wanted to go. I don't know what to do. There is more but my brain can't process it right now. I will share later. My husband thinks maybe this is all just me wanting the outcome to change the situation. I don't know any more.

I'm very tired.

I love you Sam.

Thanks for listening.

Debbie

[Guest]

Wade,

 

Just a little tribute to you and your boy, Brooks.  Thanks for all you do here for everyone.

 

Be back later!

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora......you hit that one out of the ballpark..

Thank You for creating that for Wade.....

he is so kind, considerate and caring for all our children....

and you 'gave' him something that money cannot buy...

a gift straight from the heart.....and with baseball season upon us....we know what that baseball park can do to a grieving Dad...it can make your heart buckle you on to your knees...

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie.....sometime ago...not recent....Daniel questioned my being 'here'....he thought it only made me very sad.....

so.....I had to explain....once again....that I did not have a circle of friends around me that had lost a child...and I needed a connection with parents that had lost a child.....for I was in a foreign place....I could not find my footing...nor had I had anything in my life to 'prepare' me for this grief....and it was simply the best 'medicine' in the bag for me....I find parents that have the same emotions...same thoughts...

same physical symptoms....can't sleep...can't focus...can't go here...can't go there....and don't want to....

same questions....

and I discovered I wasn't going 'crazy'....I was simply in mourning...

I think it is very comforting to me....that I don't feel 'so alone' with the K-Zillion grief emotions that I experience each day...

   Think about this fact:    it dawned on me when John David passed....I had not one 'experience' of knowing anyone in my family that had to deal with a 'child death'.....my Grandparents did not lose one child..(they had 6)....my parents did not lose a child...nor did any of my Aunts - Uncles...I did not lose a cousin...and none of my cousins had lost a child....

   I...me...Susan....the only one that has lost a child...so.....I do need to reach out to others that has lost a child....it is a very horrific..unique club....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, thank you for sharing the poem for Trista...they shared a very special friendship...I have not started on anything for Jesse's garden yet, but my sister bought a very large size angel statue for me.

 

And if anyone is interested, right now Menards does have some very nice angels statues that probably won't last long...also so other very pretty garden items.

 

Lora, I agree with Susan, that collage is so very beautiful for Wade....what a gift...

 

Wade, we send warm thoughts your way for all the kindness you show...

 

Debbie, I had someone ask me that too, why I stay on this forum...she asked if it was like "picking a scab" and not allowing it to heal...but like Susan remarked, there are not many in our club, the few people I had to talk with, just disappeared, and it has been good to know what to expect , being here actually helped me successfully bring my case to court...(thanks to Becky)...

 

For me I need to say my son's name to talk about him, and I am grateful to all who listen here, for by sharing our stories we heal and honor our children...at least that is how I feel...

 

Your husband also should not be telling you that you are feeling sorry for yourself, there needs to be compassion.

 

Sherry, hopefully your bird feeders won't get invaded too much more by hawks...I should ask my sister if they do anything to protect the other birds...I think every bird for miles around knows about her place. She mentioned that they had an oriole that got so used to them, that he would follow them around outside hoping for a treat...

[wgreenlee]

Lora...

It is beautiful!  Truly priceless like Susan said.  You can't replace those memories, but seeing him here always creates new memories with new friends.  I was wondering what I would show on the scoreboard for his birthday, and if it's alright with you, I'd like to use this.  I'm actually watching baseball right now...Texas at Boston.  It is hard...but those were father/son days...the best of my life.  I videotaped almost every game and made copies for his teammates, but never made any for myself, and now need to convert them into digital format.  I don't have the recorder, anymore.  They are on the little tapes so if anyone has ideas...

 

Again...thank you so much...it was a hard weekend and this is so special.  Glad to see your brother making some progress...always thinking about him and all others dealing with health issues.

 

Wondering how Becky is doing?

 

Debbie...

I echo everything Susan said.  This is a place that makes a difference.  The whole "bootstraps" philosophy just doesn't work for this...I have to admit I used to have that philosophy for some things...but now I am changed...as I know all of us are, which makes this place special.  There's so much going on in your life and I hope you continue to share and come here for encouragement.  And to encourage us too!  Continual prayers for the decision you have to make in regards to the police report, etc.  I think you will know, at the right time, what the correct decision is for you.

 

Sometimes I know I get that feeling...like today. I was getting my fingerprints done at the police station for my teacher renewal license and just suddenly thought I wanted to thank the officer who brought me Brooks' news.  He stayed with us for a while and offered the services of the chaplain and gave us his card.  With everything going on that morning, though, he got lost in the shuffle.  I found out that he was the supervisor and made the decision to bring the news himself instead of having a patrolman bring it.  He happened to be at the station and met with me for a little while with a deputy I know who lost his young son some years ago.  I think it provided me another piece of closure to help me move on a little...

 

Pam...

I don't think I've met you, but I have saved Andy's photo so that I can include him in my remembrances.  I will be thinking of you.  Looked at Andy's gallery.  Loved the picture with him wearing his shades...cool dude, indeed.  Big smile!  Hoping to hear more about Andy.

 

Dee...

How's school going?  We get off this coming week.  Not sure what I will do now that Renea has a full-time job.  Lots of golf and building stuff.  I plan on finishing the video of all our angels that I started for Valentine's Day.  Will have to change the theme.  I think spring will be a good theme.

 

Laurie...

Will be praying for Kathy and her family.  You were there for a reason...right person...right time...  I know that I always look now for those times that I can be of help...paying it forward, I guess people say...so that I can always tell Brooks at the end of each day that he should be proud of me, as I am proud of you!

 

Shannon...

What an awesome poem!  It is so beautiful and so right.  That is really what friends are for...and Trista was an amazing friend.  She is remembered as a kind, gentle soul who would go out of her way for others.  Yes, those teenagers and their procrastination...but I am glad you were there for him and it was special.  I bet it was a great project.  I would love to see it if you took any pictures.  Those are the best days at school when I can really help a student complete a project that they are proud of you.  

 

Sherry...

I look forward to that day when we will be reunited.  I feel that more each day and it makes me smile...just seems more right lately.  You'll have to post some pictures of your flowers, because I have no clue about any of them.  Never even heard of them...crocuses and hellebore...  Guess I could Google them.

 

Susan...

Thank you for your thoughts.  I always get so much comfort from all of you when I come here.  Kind of like that movie, "You Have Mail," when you look for those special times when others connect with you.  Any more thoughts on your apartment stuff?  We rent a townhouse right by the high school and it just went through an owner change, so I know that apprehension... What a blessing you are for your tenants...but I am sure that if you did sell it you would make sure the new owner was just like you.  That is what makes you special to begin with...the empathy for others that focuses on their needs, as well.

 

Hoping my other dear friends here are doing ok...that winter is DONE...and health is better.

 

I would like to ask for additional thoughts and prayers for Tiffani and her family.  Spoke with Faith, her mom, and she said it is close.  Like some others here have mentioned, she is having that most difficult time watching her daughter slide away.  I just really thought all the prayers would bring a miracle.  Sometimes I just don't get it, but I have strong faith, Lord.  Whatever your will, just bring peace to that family.  They were able to take a special vacation this last week, which was sponsored by an organization that deals with those circumstances.  Haven't talked with her about that, but I hope they had a super time.

 

Anyways...love to all!

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Debbie, of course you are very tired, you have had a lot to think about and process. I cannot process it all at once either. I know others have told me that they thought my being online here might be a detriment, but as it has been said, this is the place where we learn to walk and breathe again, and then we help the next one to do the same. It is a place where we find our way in a group and where we do not need our masks, we are who we are right here in real time. No pretenses. We love to write our Child's name and hear it spoken by the others... we like to know that we have helped make a difference in a life here since it is so hard to find the positive out in the world sometimes. This is a second home for me, 10 years later, it remains a blessed and holy place where I feel I am coming in the back door to sit at the table with all of you to share our days. I am sorry taht your husband thinks this is an excuse, an excuse to feel sorry for yourself. Goodness knows, as we all do, that those kinds of remarks serve to put more space between you and he. I know that you have had far too much change lately, so thinking of more is overwhelming, but it may be time to speak your mind and heart again.

 

Lora, that lovely tribute to Brooks for Wade is a delight and you are so right, Wade does so much for all of us, this is a sweet  and creative kindness. I hope that your brother's doctors feel he is on the upswing. Good of you to take them, get some good rest. I bet the iris will be fine.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, will be praying for Tiffani and her family...these are difficult times...

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

It is a place where we find our way in a group and where we do not need our masks, we are who we are right here in real time. No pretenses. We love to write our Child's name and hear it spoken by the others... we like to know that we have helped make a difference in a life here since it is so hard to find the positive out in the world sometimes.

 

Totally agree Dee, very well written...

[daveydow1]

Laurie----Thank you for posting the heartfelt story of Katie and her party before she passed

over to be an angel.  Also for little Noah's story of hearing the gaiety of the party.  It caused

a 'frog' in my throat, but very lovely & inspiring.

 

Lora----Where we have the feeders set up, there's no real close sheltering shrubs or bushes.

I've heard that bushes can deter, but not really stop, a determined hawk from attacking. They

are so strong & swift. At our  old house, the feeders were right next to a very large spruce tree,

and occasionally a hawk would still manage to grab a bird.  Guess it's just part of nature.   

 

Debbie---Thanks for your kind words. Good to see Sam's smile.

 

Wade----I know what you mean.....the older I get, the more I think that I can't wait til

I am gone to be with my Dave, and baby Lisa. Of course it's up to God.  I will need to get out & take some pics

of the flowers.  They are the type that comes up each year in the spring, and we

are always delighted to see them, as it means spring is just around the corner.

 

 

Shannon---

You are right.....it is just nature for hawks to hunt & kill birds to eat. I just

wish that they would concentrate more on the mice, moles, and other small rodents

instead of the birds. It sounds like you are busily getting your flower pots all prepped

for the arrival of warm weather.  Your niece, Dani, must have loved Tris so much and

valued thier friendship.  Thanks for the lovely little poem sweet Dani wrote for your dear Tris.

 

 

Dee----

Yes,....the birds would love having better access to bugs & worms after your husband

raked off the leaf cover.  Robins were trying to find worms a couple weeks ago, and the

ground was still frozen.....felt sorry for them, as they prefer to eat worms rather than seed.

With warmer days, and rain, there are plenty of worms for them.

Now...we have the yearly problem....A couple weeks ago, my husband was out near the field, and discovered a

groggy old groundhog.....most likely waking up from hibernation.Now, we have one of the persistent

fellows burrowing under one of the sheds.  So we have to take measures to make him go away.

(They are destructive to buildings, and are the bane of farms, and anyone who has a building

that they decide to make their home). Besides that,....they are very determined critters.

 

 

PEACE    AND    TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry    

[ericasmom]

Thanks Laurie, it is our place, our gathering place...

 

 

Prayers for Tiffani Wade, what strength it must take to sit iwth their Girl/Sister/ Grandgirl/Friend, and let her know taht they are near, that they are holding her hand and while at the same time letting her go. The process is incredibly difficult, letting your Child go goes against every cell in a parent's body and yet, it is what they will have to do,

[mikesmomrs]

WADE:  Such a beautiful poem for your son.  Brooks is so proud of you for so many things, I am sure.  The words echoed in my heart and were written with much love...it shows through each word.  II am glad you are planning on doing the board at the game for Brooks.  It is a nice thing to do, anfd we do it for Mike's birthday each year.  I too was watching that Red Sox/Rangers game, but obviously was rooting for the Sox, who did win; a badly needed win.  Mike's best friend, Denis, got me tickets for two games for Christmas, and one of them is tomorrow night.  We will go down in my car, and he will pay for the parking.  I do not like to do the subway...too claustrophobic.  We park right next to Fenway Park, so when we come out, our car is right there.  My daughter Cathi and I went to their opening day game last Friday and had a great time, though it was pretty cold.  It was in the low 40's-high 30's with a cold wind, so we liked to freeze our feet off.  We were dressed pretty warmly, but our feet got so cold!  And they lost!  It is supposed to be much warmer Tuesday...in the 60's during the day and only the 50's at night, so it should be much nicer.  As for putting the video tapes on DVD, I think you can get a machine for that, and likely by now they are not too expensive.  My husband put all of our movies on DVD's...we had quite a few VHS tapes, as well as the small tapes.  We had some Super 8's done by a professional the year after Mike died, but those were all from when the kids were really small.  There are many companies that will transfer them, and you should be able to find one locally where they won't have to be sent out.  It is nice to have them all on DVD's.  I don't recall the details about Tiffani and her family, but will keep them in my prayers. 

 

DEE:  I am so glad that you had such a good time for baby Erica's birthday, and I know that it fills your heart to overflowing to have those three birthdays together.  What a delight that Erica was born the day after her auntie's birthday...coincidence?  I think not!  I love the picture of her at the playground...and of course, the heart on her shirt...so sweet.  I am so happy for you that Jon and Shannon and their sweet girl live so close by and you get to see them.  Being a part of her growing up is life confirming.  (By the way, I had written in my post for Eri's birthday that I didn't put it in pink because my color options weren't working.  I forgot that if I start the post in a color, it will work.  I just cannot change it mid-post.) 

 

SHANNON:  The poem written by Trista's cousin Dani is so very beautiful...especially for someone so young.  Her words transport the reader to the feelings living in her own heart.  So very glad you got time in the yard with Aiden and also had that time with Zak.  Those are the moments that help you to want to go on in this world, while we know that our beloved child is in the next. 

 

SHERRY:  I don't know how I would handle the hawks "cycle of nature" being lived out in my yard, but I guess I would likely get used to it.  Sad, but necessary for the species to continue.  I'm glad to hear that some of your spring flowers are making an appearance.  I didn't plant any yet that would bloom in spring since we moved here.  I plan to this fall.  We had crocus, jonquils and hyacinths at our previous house and I loved seeing them poke through the snow, especially the jonquils, as they were right by the door where we went into and out of the house and I was always happy when I would see them poking through the snow. 

 

DEBBIE:  We have a member, Greg, who had not posted in a while, but he lost his son, Brian, and at about the three year mark (I think it was), he mentioned that he had to be at a Compassionate Friends meeting that night, and someone said "You still go to those?"  Greg told us that his answer was "He's still dead."  No one who has not walked this walk understands.  I am so that your husband has said those things to you...I am glad that you can come here and take off your mask. 

 

LORA: It was so very kind of you to take your brother and his wife to the doctor.  That is a long way for them to have to go and I am sure they found comfort in your taking them and being with them.  I hope his healing continues, and yes, it is a slow process. I love the collage you made for Wade...such a kind thing to do. I love that your kindness carried on to Cara and she was so giving.  And it warmed my heart to hear of the young man who visited her site and left the flower.  She carries on her giving even now, being a force for him to help him calm down and be more at peace.  I am glad that you got your cardinals...how affirming of your ongoing connection with your dear Cara. I don't know what I would do without the many signs we have received and that I continue to receive.  A short time, maybe a few months, after we lost our Mike, my husband was going to the recycling center one Saturday.  He was toodling along in his truck, thinking of Mike, and said out loud "Mike, are you still here or have you had to move on?  I've not seen you lately and just wonder if our spirits are here for a while and then move on to another level."  The next vehicle coming towards him was a pick up, and the plate read "HI-MIKE"...  My husband came home smiling and told me of this story, remembering it often.  I do love that your Cara was so giving, and to know that she g

 

LAURIE:  I agree, you were there for Kathy and gave her the kindness she needed at the time.  So very sorry for her sorrow and will keep her in my prayers.  Such heartache!  That was the same prayer that we had on my husband's mass cards, as well.  He had read that to Mike so many times those last couple of weeks, as Mike lay in bed, slowly leaving us.  I knew he would want it on his own card.

 

KAREN:  So nice that you have a garden for Goeff.  It does help, digging and planting in their honor. I too have a garden in my yard, started for our son Mike, and then added to when my husband passed.  I was having a hard time getting the right flowering plant, as it is in the sun then in the shade and no matter what I put there, it didn't seem to thrive, other than the Hostas and some red fern.  Last year I planted a beautiful plumeria type small tree.  It was beautiful, so many blooms over the rest of the summer and into early fall.  But, I fear the terrible winter we had this year has killed it.  I was looking at it yesterday and it is dried up and brittle as can be.  I will have to search again. 

 

JENN:  I know that your beautiful Brianna is the center of attention with our angels, and likely they had a lively party for her, with Dee's Eri leading the band!  I pray she surrounded you with her sweet spirit on that day that made your world so very different and sweet...the day that brought her into your life. 

 

SANDY:  So glad to hear that Gabby is winning over your husband.  It is good for him, and for her.  I know that you were worried at first, but glad to hear it is working out.   

 

CHERRY:  I think of you often, and your beautiful Kylie is with some wonderful angels, who are seeing that she is happy and her days are filled with joy.  Losing a child is definitely life changing, and can be belief changing as well.  I've had some shifts in my beliefs, as well as some shaky moments, and also some strengthening moments.  It is a journey.  One that is not the same for everyone, yet each of us understands the journeys of us all. 

 

Kim and the girls will be up next week for their spring break.  I can hardly wait; have not seen them since last August.  We will do hubby's and my 50th anniversary celebration while they are here, though it will be a week early.  So bittersweet, with him not here, but how could I let it go by without a wonderful day spent together celebrating our years of joy...he will be there...and Mike will be beside him.  Tears will fall, but smiles will be there as well...many "remembries" to share and many more to make.  We will add some "remembries" to Damon's heart. 

 

When I was on the way to the game on Friday, I was in the parking garage and tripped on a curb, turned my ankle and body-slammed the concrete floor of the garage.  I was a bit stunned at first, a bit dizzy, but managed to walk after some gentlemen helped me back on my feet.  Though my ankle was sore, I still managed to get to the game and had a really good time.  I even drove all the way home (65-70 miles).  However, about an hour after I got home, it all hit me and I spent a very painful night, resulting in Cathi taking me to the ER the next day.  We spent five looooong hours there, with x-rays, ultra sounds and a CT scan, because I had slammed my right side against the concrete and they wanted to be sure there were no cracked ribs, as my side, arm and chest wall were quite painful.  The ankle hurt, but only if I stood on it.  They cleared me for nothing broken, put an air cast on my ankle and a sling on my arm to hold it in place.  I had slammed my elbow as well and the soreness went from it to my shoulder.  I was very fortunate that I did not hit my face or head.  I am feeling somewhat better, though the chest wall pain is still there, especially when I move or stand up.  The elbow is quite bruised but not as painful.  So, I will have to be careful at the game with Denis.  He is going to let me off at the gate and then park the car so I won't have far to walk.  By the way, when Cathi and I got to the park on Friday, we went up in the elevator and as we were getting out, we noticed the  little door for the elevator utility box was open.  "Someone" (or some "someoneS") had scrawled this on the door with some chalk...  How can we not believe? 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol.....darn it.....what a freaky fall.....sorta like a whiplash kind of hurt....am glad your friend can drop you off at the gate....please...enjoy the game...and watch those bumps in the road....

   love that 'heart'....we know they are 'there'.....but it seems as if the hearts 'show off' to lead your eyes to them !

 

Lora....I have not seen that photo of Cara...her hand looks like she is going to wave to us....that smile of hers can go for 1,000's of miles....

   what a sweet sister you are to 'go the other mile' for your brother....

 

Dee....so...so thankful you felt in your heart to come back again and again to this site...and the many others that have 'stayed'.....to help us with shattered hearts and splattered minds....

for me....the light you put on this dark path illuminated the choice....

for one can go either way....

to drink from the cup of bitter...

or stand in the place of better...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....being at the 'right place and the right time'.....is to me.....the way God...Father...the Universe.....use 'us' in human form.....to give the message....to say the right word....to deliver a layer of healing....a balm.....the Prayer....to one or many.....that is hurting....their hearts are crying out in despair....feeling defeated....

   Using you as the messenger is His right choice....

for it takes one that has suffered 'much' to recognize one that is suffering....and to deliver the message on time....

 

 

 

Wade....and you are using your suffering in the right way.....

approaching that policeman that had to come to your house ...in the dead of night.....to bring a parent the most horrific news.....(I cannot wrap my mind around how I would/could do that)....

        The ones that have to bring that news....is the first to witness the breaking and melting and destruction to a family.....hearing those 'words'....witness the utter collapse....imploding of broken hearts.

    I am sure they wonder how those families are doing ...and am sure they wonder if they 'did their job right'.....there is simply no 'good way' that can be done....

[SamDsmom]

Wade,

will be thinking of and praying for Tiffini's family. Can't imagine what they are going through. As well as for you. It must be difficult for you as well. As many others have said here before, you have a special gift of healing broken spirits by your kindness and presence.

Carol,

The story of the heart is great! I agree with Susan, I'm sure their are signs all around us. Have fun at the game. Be careful. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Lora,

What a beautiful picture of Cara. I feel like she is a friend. Open and warm.

Coleen,

Was sad about the Badgers. I really thought they were going to pull it off. I had Sam's badgerwear on. Jack was for Kentucky so we had quite the time listening to the game.

Sherry,

We stopped at a rest area on the Idaho/Wyoming border last night. There was a sign cautioning tourists that they were in a falcon nesting area. Basically don't disturb them and dont be freaked out if you see one swoop down and carry off a jackrabbit or other rodent. It was very interesting. I didn't see any, but it was very late and dark.

Cherry, Wanda, Sandy...thinking of you.

Laurie,

Glad you were able to visit Jesse's site. Spring does seem to finally be here. I'm sure it will be beautiful. Shannon too. Trista's garden will be taking off soon.

Susan,

Thank you for being you and stsying here on this sight. I always feel I'm sitting in a sunny kitchen full of love and comf8rt through the tears when I read what you have written. You are so strong. John David is so proud.

Dee,

Thank you for the support. I so pray that I will snap out of this someday. You and Erica are such inspirations to all of us.

I was listening to the radio last night. There was a 14 year old young man on a talk show talking about his experience when he was 4 years old. He died during surgery and said he went to heaven. There is a new movie, "Heaven is for Real" depicting his story. He said that he could see what his parents were doing while he was there. They were in separate rooms. He said his father was yelling at God. His father said that this was true and that no one else could have known that. He said he sat on Jesus' lap. He also told his mom that a little girl approached him and hugged him. She told him that she was his sister who died in his mommys tummy. She had a miscarriage, a little girl before he was born and it had never been mentioned. So many things. It was pretty incredible.

Thank everyone for the support. I need this place. It is my lifeline, my only support. I go through the motions, which has been noticed and is very upsetting to my husband. If he knew that sometimes I think of just walking off, carrying only my little box of ashes and just being somewhere.....no where.

That is why I need this place. Often on the road, we find people down and out, stranded, homeless. It is comforting to help them. Buy them a meal, say a prayer with them. That's what I love about coming here. I can feel for others. I can cry for you all as well as myself. These are the things that others don't understand. I wish we could all meet face to face.

Sam, I have cherished and loved you from the moment you were born. That will never stop. I know I will see you someday again. I'm trying to be strong, to see outside of myself, the bigger picture.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You see this photo ?

This is the last photo I took of John David....

it was April 8, 2012.....Easter....that year....

Daniel and I traveled to Houston to be with him....have lunch....it was a beautiful Easter Sunday...

see the shirt ? That was one of his birthday gifts.....he also wore it to the hospital that day....thinking he would just see his Dr.......never knowing he would never make it out of the hospital alive.....I now have that shirt...with this photo...on a chair...and the other clothes he wore...

(the hospital sent it all to me).....

it may seem 'strange or weird' that I have them....but that is ok.....this is my house...my grief.

   We talked about his up and coming work.....he headed up the Restoration and Remodeling crew at the VA hospital....they were in the process of re-vamping many of the VA hospitals in

Texas.....they had finished in Houston....then going to San Antonio....then Dallas....then Big Spring....it was neat how they had it all lined up....he described how it was cost saving....they would 'work' on the same area in each hospital....then go on to the next.....then....in two years they would decide what to restore...and do it once again to all of them....John David was proud of the plan....he said that way....it was like an assembly line way to work and restore...

   We talked about the 'hugical' family gathering planned in Galveston at the end of June...I had rented a 4 story beach house for the family.....he hoped he could come....but he would not be able to make that decision until that date.....for he didn't know where the restoration time table would be.....and it is all about getting the work done on time.....

  but not to worry.....he would be around .....

he talked about wanting to be here for the Graduation party I was giving for Austin, Josh and Alex...lots of family and friends....I told him Jeremy was coming a few days early to help me get the back yard ready....lots of tents..chairs....

  we talked about the 'food'.....which I was having catered....and he wished he could be here to cook it all for me....but that takes lots of days..planning...and cook time.....and if he could be here it would just be for overnight and the party....for he would be in Dallas....and Brenham is lots closer to Dallas than Galveston.....

   I decided years ago....not to get too upset if all 6 of my children could not all be 'at one place'...'at one time'......Essie use to say.....it all doesn't depend on 'ONE' day....

   I know all of my adult children will do their best.....and all of my adult children know they will never get any 'guilt' from me.....we have that kind of trust....

    These 'marker' days....are only etched in a grieving parent's heart.....we ...on this site know that....and here.....I can share this date.....and all on here will understand how emotional a day like today can be.....and know where my 'heart' is...

  I am back 'there'....with camera in my hand....him looking at me....me looking at him....and Daniel having such a good time with that boy...both of them spent the majority of the time talking 'fishing'.....for they were to go to Port 'A' in September...October...(some time in there) to do deep sea fishing...

  Daniel lost his 'go to partner'.....when your adult children have their own families...and the busy schedules that go with them....it is hard to get away for fishing and hunting...Astros games...A&M games....and our son's do a fantastic job of supporting and caring for their families...so.....John David and Daniel were the 'Go To and Have Fun' buddies....cause John David was not married....and had his free time to spend like he wanted...

    I have this kind of 'peace'.....for I really would not trade this grief ....in place of not having my John David.....for having him in my life...has still given it a richness that money cannot buy....

    it is hard to describe....but....the scales are still tipped in his favor.....

having him still outweighs the grief....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

Someone is 'reading' my heart...