Loss of a Father

[kathleenplocinski]

Dear Jeff,

I know what you mean about the loss of familiar sounds. For years my dad had been loosing his hearing from middle ear disease. Because of the loss of hearing he would talk really loud. Well, my dad retired when I was 10, and started making stained glass. After high school I started helping him do craft shows. I really enjoyed that time with him. The funny part was when we would walk around the show before it started to see if anyone else made glass, he would say \"who would buy that crap?\" the funny part was he would say this in a normal speaking voice, thinking he was wispering. I thought for sure we would find our car tires slashed in the parking lot...ha-ha Well, I really miss his loud voice. I have so many funny stories about it. I guess those stories are what keeps you going. Take care, Kathleen

[speechmom]

I can't remember who asked about the Christmas ornament but here is the poem that came with the ornament I received from my step-mother.

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel your love

on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes

and alll of your cares

I'll even remind you

to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders

above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment

to stay in His grace

I came here before you

to help set your place

You don't have to be

perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip

If you continue the climb

To my family and friends

please by thankful today

I'm still close beside you

In a new special way

I love you all dearly

now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year

[oilyducks]

Does anyone else feel alone and like its unfair?

My roommates parents were up this weekend and they both got to hug their dads and one of my roommates dads hugged her goodbye and said he loved her and i just could do nothing but cry because I never get to have that ever again. I think it is so unfair and it makes me sad to think that i cant rememeber the last time that my dad hugged me. He was sick for so long that it seems i can only remember him laying in a hospital bed or walking with him very slowly carrying his oxygen pack but i cant remember when he had been strong enough to hug me.

[gingergrove]

We all have regrets, or things we would have said had we known, but you have to know that your father is never going to dwell on the things you didn't say, or the things that didn't happen, he will only hold close the things that are dear to him. I tortured myself with guilt for months for all the things I didn't say and all the times I could have hung out with him a little longer than I did, but I got past it, and I realize that my dad was never the type to dwell on the negative.

I laid in bed one night, wide awake, and started thinking about all the good times we had together. I thought I would come to an end of memories at some point, but I never did. For hours I could recall good memories with him, and not once did a bad memory cross my mind. Give it a try sometime, it was a wonderful experience just to open up my mind and let all those memories come back. I remembered things I had not thought about in years. I believe it must be the same for our fathers on the other side. Those memories hurt, because they are a reminder that we won't be getting any new ones, but at the same time, they are so sweet to hold on to.

Hang in there.

Sue

My dad died at the end of October. He had a stroke, never regained consciousness, and died 4 days later.

I wish I had the chance to see or talk to him one more time before the stroke happened. I hope that the times I spoke to him while at the hospital he could hear me. Although I saw him constantly during the weekends when I visited my parents, I last saw him a week and a half before his stroke. I wish I could've said to him more often when he was alive that although we had our differences that I always loved him, and that I should've never started certain conversations with him because of my own impatience.

QUOTE]

[Guest Guest]

My father died a year ago this Saturday of a sudden heart attack. Course I've been thinking of my dad and shedding a few tears and not talking about it. What can I say? I know that every human loses someone - someone that meant something. Sometimes I'm just so tired of the way things are. I'm tired of Mom being alone - and that isn't it, I'm just tired of how everything got rearranged when Dad died. I'm tired of this tender wound. I mean sure, it's no longer that mash of raw crying and shear pain. Though sometimes it is - other times it's this dull ache - dull aches are sometimes worse than sharp sudden pain. And I'm always trying to say, oh honor him, oh think of nothing but the "good times", think nothing except how wonderful he was, and...I don't know. And it's easy to do that around other people, to smile wistfully and try to be the strong daughter. Then I can think the same thoughts when I'm alone and all I want to do is cry and scream. I thought Saturday and Christmas was going to be ok - that strong daughter taking care of family business, but I just want to sleep through it all. I just keep thinking surely the rest of my life can't feel like this - wanting to cry, worrying about mom and carrying around this tender wound. I know I won't ever stop missing him, but does this feeling change?

[myfathermyhero]

Guest,

I'm sorry for your loss. The one year anniversary of my fathers death is this coming friday, he too died suddenly of heart failure. I completely agree with what you said about the pain changing from raw & sheer pain to more of a dulling pain. I have found that this has happened over the past couple of months, and I think it is definately harder to deal with. At least before I was able to scream and cry and get it all out, now I feel like I have trouble letting any emotion out at all. Im constantly sad and Im always thinking about my dad, but I can never get myself to the point where I am able to cry and let it out. It just stays all bottled up inside. I too feel like my family relies on me to be the strong one. My mother is so fragile right now, that I feel I have to be there for her. As much as my dads death was horrible for me, I think in alot of ways it is much harder on my mother. This was the person she was supposed to grow old with, this was the person she had planned to spend the rest of her life with. Those feelings on top of financial difficulties that she is having, I am constantly worrying about her, and how she is doing. Its not a burden, I love my mom and want to take care of her and help her, but sometimes I feel like at the end of the day I don't have enough time to take care of myself. I work full time and go to school at night, and I am just feeling completely overwhelmed with everything right now.

I also fear that I am going to feel liek this for the rest of my life. Over the past year I have become a completely different person. I have become cynical and i don't allow myself to really be happy anymore. At one point I thought I was doing better, but now I have just feel like I've let myself get stuck in a rut. I can't really tell you when this gets better, because I have no idea, Im hoping any day now, but I can't really be sure. I hope this post helped you to see that you are not alone. There are people out there going through the same emotions you are.

Until next time..

Christine

[speechmom]

Dear Guest and myfathermyhero,

I haven't reached that first anniversary yet so I don't know what that will be like for me yet. I can only imagine how difficult it will be and I am thinking of you both today. My dad died 7 months ago yesterday. When do you stop counting the months? I feel like when the 11th rolls around each month I go into another depression, not that I ever get out of one totally. Christmas is hard for me. I, too, want to just forget about it and stay home by myself and not have to socialize with anyone but I have a 7 yr old and 1 yr old so that is out of the question. The kids keep me going but it also makes me sad because my dad is missing that with them and they were definitely his "shining stars". My dad was a fantastic athlete and he loved watching my son play. My son had his first wrestling match this past weekend and there I was trying to hide the tears thinking about how much Dad would have gotten such joy in watching him. Then it was the Christmas concert at school and I am crying there too. I feel like it will never stop. I can't really talk to my mom because her and my dad were divorced (long time) but she tries. My step mother and I are not that close. We get along but it is a very "surface only" relationship. She does babysit for me once a week so I do check in on her and she doesn't talk much about dad so I don't feel comfortable bringing his name up in front of her either. I feel like my friends and husband are tired of hearing and seeing me so sad. They haven't said that but I don't want to keep burdening them with my grief. These boards are really the only place I can spill my thoughts and feelings out without feeling judged. Thank you all for your understanding.

[suga1026]

Im having an awful day today. As soon as my alarm clock went off this morning, I knew that where I really wanted to spend my day, was in bed. I feel that as the saddness has subsided a little bit, I am now left with an enormous amount of anger. Im angry at my dad for not taking better care of himself, Im angry at him for leaving me, Im angry at god for the way my life is right now, Im angry at myself for not making my dad take better care of himself. Im not really sure what to do with these feelings. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I feel the same way. My father just died two months ago. He was only 47 but having been an alcoholic for years and recently been trying to quit his health has been slowly decling. My father was a stubborn man. He hated hospitals and doctors and refused to go. A year ago, he had some seizures and was hospitalized and left after a day against medical advice.. i am a nursing student and so i told my dad over and over that he needed to get medical help but he wouldn't budge and I stopped bugging him about it. Now I feel like I could have tried harder. And that my dad should have gotten the help he needed, if not for himself but for his children and his wife. I think about my dad every day, several times a day. Everything reminds me of him and then I get sad all over again. I find it hard to accept that he is gone. I find myself saying over and over again that I just want my daddy back.. I know that it is not possible but that is all I really want. I have never lost anyone close to me before and am having a hell of time dealing with this. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

[oilyducks]

i know excatly how you feel. My father also just died two months ago. He was 53 and also had been an alcoholic for years and he did try to quiet the last couple months of his life, however the damage to his liver was irreversible. My father also hated the doctor and the hospital, to make it worse he didnt even get himself health insurance. He also signed himself out of the hospital to go home, I spent 2 weeks taking care of him 24 hours a day, monitoring him. i also feel like i never pushed him hard enough to get help. I feel like i now could have and wish i had a second chance at it. I think about my dad constantly and i dont think that goes away for awhile. It is really hard to accept, I dont feel like he is really dead, i just cant believe that he actually died. I really want him back too, i still go to pick up my phone and call him and sometimes i actually do ( his number is still in my phonebook and on speed dial). I think this is one of the hardest things to do in prob the hardest. I dont know excatly how to deal with it. Talking and writing helps but nothing is ever going to feel like enough, unless he was back which liek you said isnt a possibility. I just hope to try and make it through the holidays as best as i can.

I feel the same way. My father just died two months ago. He was only 47 but having been an alcoholic for years and recently been trying to quit his health has been slowly decling. My father was a stubborn man. He hated hospitals and doctors and refused to go. A year ago, he had some seizures and was hospitalized and left after a day against medical advice.. i am a nursing student and so i told my dad over and over that he needed to get medical help but he wouldn't budge and I stopped bugging him about it. Now I feel like I could have tried harder. And that my dad should have gotten the help he needed, if not for himself but for his children and his wife. I think about my dad every day, several times a day. Everything reminds me of him and then I get sad all over again. I find it hard to accept that he is gone. I find myself saying over and over again that I just want my daddy back.. I know that it is not possible but that is all I really want. I have never lost anyone close to me before and am having a hell of time dealing with this. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

[mariposa]

Tomorrow it will be 3 months since my dad died. I feel so numb most of the time. Walking around and going through the motions. I miss him so much and I cant believe he's gone. I was just thinking about the day he died. Actually the very moment he died. I saw him take his last breath. I saw him suffer until the very end. What a horrible memory. Part of me died with him.

[carla76]

it has been 8 months and 5 days since my fahter passed ~ my father collapsed at a voting poll and taken to a local hospital where he was placed ona breathing machine for several hours until we pulled the plug .. he was gone ... but i knelt at his side and had his hand rest on my head until the very last second .. every day is difficult .. i as well feel numb .. i miss him terribly and cannot believe that he is really not going to be at home when i walk in the door ... my mother and i have been fighting alot lately ~ i am not sure why i am so angry at her .. i love her so much ~ but i am now afraid that i am going to loose her soon ... my life has stopped outside of her ... my boyfriend who i thought i was going to marry left me ~ he said he couldnt handle me anymore .. my girldfriends dont understand why i am the way i am now ~ i feel so lost ~ like i died with my pop as well ~ i am not the person i was before he passed .. i never will be ...

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[kathleenplocinski]

Dear Carla76,

My dad died last month. I miss him so dearly. I know what you are going through. I am sorry about your boyfriend. That must be difficult. I know what you mean about your friends not understanding what you are going through. My friends don't understand what I am going through. I believe they don't understand because they have not lost anyone so close to them before. This is why I talk on this website. I know that everyone I talk to here understands what I am going through because they have experienced it. You can always share your feelings here and know people will understand. I know I will always miss my dad. It's strange, I can feel him in the things I do. I think that's why I am pretty strong emotionally. I know he would want me to go on living my life, because as we all know, life is too short and unpredictable. That doesn't mean I don't cry everynight when I go to bed because I want my dad back....because I do. I just know that it is ok to do things during the day that make me smile or laugh. I want to live each day in a way that would make my dad proud. I hope this helps...kathleen

[speechmom]

carla76,

I know exactly how you feel. I list my dad on May 11, 2006 and no one understands my feelings either. My husband gets frustrated with me and feels I should "get over it already". He doesn't say it in a cold way but just doesn't understand because he has never gone through a loss like this. I have one friend who is very supportive and will listen to me talk about my dad whenever I need to. My other friends just don't understand at all. I had one friend who told me that I need to go on medication because I am still so sad. I was so angry at that. Of course I am sad. one of the most important people in my life is gone and I will miss him for the rest of my life. SOmetimes the feeling is so overwhelming and it hits me when I least expect it. There are times I can talk about my dad and not cry and then I could see something on t.v. and start sobbing. It's so unpredictable.

I was with my dad when he died and that image is so hard to deal with. I really have to work at thinking of my dad in happy memories and not being sick and in the hospital. I know what you mean about feeling lost. I feel like my entire base of support is gone and there are days I feel like I am free floating through the day. I am reading the book WHEN YOUR FATHER DIES right now. It is written for sons but my priest said that it is well written and I would also get some benefit from it and it really is enlightening. As I am reading it I am having alot of those "YES, I know what you mean" moments.

You can email me if you want to chat more. We lost our dads around the same time. heidib@choiceonemail.com

[mindy10]

Hi I was looking for any one that experienced a love one dying. Do you believe that they know your there when they are uncouncious? Do you believe that they can wait to die. For example my dad had all his loved ones around him. They talked to him all day while he was uncouncious. My mom told him I could not be there I was home taking care of the baby and within 5 minutes he took his last breath. I wonder if he could hear people talking to him all day and was waiting to hear my voice and when my mom said I was not comming he passed away. I know my grandmother woke up right before her death and looked across the room and said mom and she was in a coma for days. So I wonder if anyone has had experience with a loved one saying someones name that was already dead right before they pass away. I wonder if someone does come down for you. Any stories? Mindy

[kathleenplocinski]

Dear Mindy10,

My cousin's sister was killed in a car crash when she was 16 years old. Her mother died a few years later from lung cancer. Her dad got a strange type of blood cancer and was very ill. She took care of him unil he died. A few moments before he died he sat up and told my cousin that her mother and sister were in front of him My cousin told him to go to them. That is when he died. She said it was very peacefull for her to see that...Kathleen

[mariposa]

Dec. 14th was 3 months since my dad died. Sometimes I just sit here and think and I still cannot believe it. I just wish I could call him and hear his voice. How sad to know I'll never hear his voice again. I still need my dad. He was young when he died. Only 52 years old.

Does anyone use messenger? If anyone ever feels like chatting I'm on aim: mariposachica28

[jc1030]

Mindy10,

Those are big questions that I suppose all of us ask sometimes. Did my dad know I was at his side at the hospital? I would like to hope he did, either while he was still trapped inside his failing body, or maybe when his spirit was outside and maybe floating above us.

As for whether they can hold off death, in my case I wonder if the opposite can also be true. Two days before my dad died, my mom and I talked about what to do with him such as putting him in a hospice and wanting to talk to some hospital officials about it. Very early the next morning he went into cardiac arrest and was put on a ventilator and he eventually died a little over a day later. My mom and I wondered if he heard the two of us; if his spirit heard us, and decided that he didn't want to cause any more problems and let go. When we were at his side we told him that he can go now; he can go search out for his parents and his siblings who died before him (he was the last of four who was still alive); that we can take care of ourselves and he didn't have to worry anymore.

Part of me wishes I can hear from him someday to let me know that he's ok, that I don't have to worry about him anymore, and that that he'll be waiting for me and my mom when it's our turn.

Jeff

[kellyoc]

Mindy,

When my dad was very sick the last few days of his life he just layed in bed. He was unable to speak to us so we weren't sure if he could hear us. I have 5 brothers and sisters. The morning my dad died my two youngest sisters went to school, one of my brothers went to work and the other went to school. My sisters and brothers all came home between 3:00 and 4:00. My dad passed away when we were all around his bedside at 4:19. I believe that my dad knew that we were all there with him and that it was okay to die.

My grandmother died about 10 years ago. I remember going to florida to be with her. My grandmother was under hospice care for two weeks. She was unresponsive to all of us. We kept telling her that it was okay to die. All of her children, grandchildren and husband were by herside. My grandmother had a really close friend that lived in another state. She came to see my grandmother around 8:00 at night (two weeks after my grandmother stopped communicating with us). My grandmother passed away about an hour later. I believe that she was waiting for her friend.

Kelly

[stansbaby]

Do you guys ever still wonder if this has really happened? My dad passed 6 1/2 months ago and I acknowledge it, but I don't think it has really sank in. Sometimes I will catch myself when I say,"Yeah, my dad DIED back in June", and then I will hesitate in my mind and think,"did I just say DIE?" It is like I realize it, but haven't truly accepted it. I will go for a day or two and try to act as normal as possible, and then look at his picture, and I get really confused again. My dad died suddenly with no warning so I am so confused at what just happened. I feel like I have a lot of suppressed anger from this and I take it out A LOT on my husband. I feel bad because I feel like I am mean to him and very hard on him since I lost my dad. He just takes it and I feel guilty about it.

[oilyducks]

I feel like it can't be real, its just so hard to think that he actually died. I think about my dad all the time, and my friends are buying christmas presents for their fathers and im like i should get my dad....and then it hits me like i can't get him anything because he isnt alive. And last night, I was really excited and i picked up my phone and I called him and the recording came on and said he is no longer in service and it took a couple seconds to click that he is gone and that he wouldnt be able to awnser his phone again. Its like I know in my head that he is dead but my heart doesnt want to believe it. I also look at his picture and it is just so unbeliveable. I have angry and jealously and everything else built up in me that I do have a tendency to snap at my roommates and they dont deserve it and they take it and shrug it off but it isnt fair to them just like this isnt fair to me or any of us.

[angelbaby4078]

This is so hard. I have no clue how to deal with this. I just started having a great realationship w/ my dad. He's been out of me and my brothers life for so long. For thanksgiving i flew to florida to see my family. me and my brother had dinner w/ my father. and my father looked at us and promised he would never hurt us or leave our lives again. well i recieved a phonecall friday night, my father had passed away. he'd taken his own life. im so hurt, so angry. i love him and hate him at the same time. how could he be so selfish. i had just set my wedding date, he promised he'd be there. i dont know what to do. any advice? please help.

[mariposa]

Oilyducks and Stansbaby,

I know what you mean about feeling confused or feeling like it's not real. I had read somewhere that our minds cannot comprehend the loss 24/7. It's like we know it's real and it happened and in my case I saw my dad pass away. I saw it with my own eyes but sometimes I sit there and I think....my dad is gone? He's really gone!? I think it's so overwhelming that maybe thats the way we protect ourselves? We cant deal with it every second every minute so our mind is in denial somehow. I too find myself getting ready to call my dad then it hits me with the worse pain ever the realization that I cannot call him. I feel like I walk around knowing he is gone but somehow thinking he's coming back? It IS confusing and sad. It's a pain we cannot escape and sometimes I wonder how I can even go on? It's unfair.

[jc1030]

Do you guys ever still wonder if this has really happened? My dad passed 6 1/2 months ago and I acknowledge it, but I don't think it has really sank in. Sometimes I will catch myself when I say,"Yeah, my dad DIED back in June", and then I will hesitate in my mind and think,"did I just say DIE?"

Stansbaby,

All the time. It's only been a month and a half since my father died, but I wish this was still just a dream. But when I visit my mom every weekend and I see the empty chair and bed in his room, I realize his stroke was real and his death and being with him in the hospital was real. It's upsetting because I felt I was starting to have more of a relationship with him again the past year and a half, and now I won't have anymore time (we weren't estranged in any way, but he had some depression issues that medication help deal with and improved things tremendously).

Jeff

[carla76]

Dear Carla76,

I know he would want me to go on living my life, because as we all know, life is too short and unpredictable. That doesn't mean I don't cry everynight when I go to bed because I want my dad back....because I do. I just know that it is ok to do things during the day that make me smile or laugh. I want to live each day in a way that would make my dad proud. I hope this helps...kathleen

I went through some serious boughts of depression, one in july and the other in september where I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up from sleep ~ it was really bad ... i was hospitalized for serious depression against my will .. the one thing i told myself was that my pop would be so upset to see me in the place where i was ~ to know that i didnt want to laugh or smile or do anything to "feel better" ~ i realized it was "ok" to crack a smile or to laugh if even just a little bit ~ i wanted and still want to make him proud of me ... to know that he is looking down at me smiling, saying to everyone that i am his daughter ~ i keep reminding myself of that numerous times a day ~ it is so difficult to explain to people that i feel overwhelmed with sorrow ~ it hurts some days oh so badly ... it is life though ~ and WE ALL will be ok .. one day at a time ...and yes .. i still cant believe i can say that my father "passed" away ~ its so surreal ... but i guess that will always be ...

[lynnny]

Hi everyone-

I am off to Florida to be with family for the first christmas without my dad. I leave tomorrow and am already having anxiety but I know I will get through it. It has only been about 4 months since my dad passed and this website and many of you have helped me greatly. I want to thank you all.

I want to wish everyone a Happy Holiday and Happy New Year. I know we can do this. We got through thanksgiving and one day at a time we will grow stronger. Don't get me wrong, I still cry everyday but I have to tell myself that life goes on for those left behind. I know my dad would want us to be happy....Also, I read the book "hello from heaven" that was recommended on this site and it really was good.

[mindy10]

Hi Lynney, I know how you feel. This is also the first Christmas without my dad and im having anxiety all this week thinking of it. Im very emotional this week. I cant imagine Christmas Eve without him. I have spent Christmas Eve with him for the last 41 years. I just got through watching our last Christmas Eve video tape of us singing Christmas Carols. My dad had a beautiful voice but would never sing for us. I have him on this tape singing silent night so of course I balled like a baby when he sang sleep in heavenly peace. He seemed so fine in that video and 4 months later was the beginning of the end for him. He had cancer but it really took over his body in April. I remember taking that video knowing that it would be his last Christmas Eve with us because he had stage 4 colon cancer at the time. I wish the best for everyone spending christmas without their dad this year. It helps knowing we are all in this together. Mindy

[angelbaby4078]

yeah this christmas is going to be the hardest for me. im having to bury my father for the holidays, the last thing i thought i would have to do. i have no spirit for the holidays. i feel like the grinch, and it's not fair to everyone around me, but i cant seem to get the strength for the holiday spirit. it's hurts too much.

[kathleenplocinski]

My father died last month from cancer. His sister found out the day of his wake that she has stage 4 cancer of the bladder. This week she had her bladder taken out at the same hospital where my father died. I took care of my dad while he was sick. I lived at the hospital while he was there. I held his hand when he passed. I am now having to go and help my aunt in that same hospital. I am having such a difficult time getting myself out of the car and into the hospital. I keep seeing the same doctors and nurses that took care of my dad, and I feel like running. Every time I get to the hospital I have to remember that my dad is not waiting for me. It is really hard. This is the same hospital where doctors made some medical "mistakes" on my dad, in result decreasing is life span. I am so angry at all the doctors and nurses. I am not sure how to forgive them. Is this normal? Has anyone felt this? I don't trust anyone when it comes to hospitals...Kathleen

[sylviac]

kathleenplocinski

I can understand your distrust and anger. I went through a similar experience with my father (he died July of this year). I also have had to go to the same hospital twice after he passed away to help my mother with her appointments. It was very very difficult and traumatic. And, it took days after each appointment for us to get over it. I don\'t really have any concrete advice to handle this, or if this can even provide some comfort. However, you are in my thoughts. I pray you find, in the timeliest manner possible, the strength to do what is asked of you--but take care of you///

[mindy10]

Hi Kathleen, I know what you mean about dr's I didnt like the dr's my dad went to either. I feel they could of done more for him. I cant imagine going into that hospital so soon after your dads death. I find it hard going into my dads house where he died. I get anxious everytime Im there and I cant wait to leave. Im so sorry you have to be the one to help your aunt out. Is there anyone else that can help her? Brothers, sisters, nieces or nephews besides you? She is lucky to have you by her side. Mindy

[speechmom]

I had to come here to write because I spent the last couple of hours crying! I am so angry at my mother! I just had a big fight with her over the phone. My parents were divorced for almost 30 years and I lost my dad in May, 2006. He had married my step-mother about 26 years ago so it is not like this was a recent event. Well, my mother is mad that my family is going to have dinner with my step-mother for Christmas in the afternoon. This will not affect her dinner with us because my mom's dinner isn't until 4:00 pm but she is still angry. She feels that now that my dad is gone there is no reason for me to keep ties with my step-mother. Well, I can't do that. That is my connection to my dad and my two children view her as a grandmother. She loves them dearly. My mother is being ridiculous and I don't even want to be in her company right now. I hate being in this position because she babysits my youngest for me the days that I work so I always feel like I have to do whatever she wants or she won't watch him. It is just not fair. This is my first Christmas without my dad and I want to be in his home. Why can't she TRY to understand that? I am so angry and hurt that she would pull this stuff with me now. The day is going to be hard enough without this added stress. If I could have it my way I would just stay in bed all day and ignore everything around me. I just knew that this message board was a good place for me to vent and there would be some compassion and support here. Thanks for listening!

[sylviac]

I am sorry for your loss and the stress of this first Christmas without your father. I don't think you necessarily want advice on what to do but I do understand what you are going through and it is so very difficult (this will be my first without my Daddy too). Take care of yourself and your immediate family (kids) first. If you aren't able to talk to your Mom right now, is there someone who can champion for what you want to do and just as importantly explain it in a neutral fashion? I don\'t know if you are married/significant other, or a friend of the family that can act as an intermediary or explain on your behalf how hard this is for you and everyone involved...

It is so difficult to go through this and the fact that this is the worst time of year for those of us who are grieving makes it even more trying---you are in my thoughts--take care

[roxygirl]

Christmas is in 4 days, and I'm having a really hard time with it. I lost my father aug. 28th, and It still hasn't fully sunken in. I found myself in line the other day buying him a christmas present, and it wasn't until I was at the register about to pay that it hit me I would never be able to give it to him, and went crying to put it back. I even tried to call him about a gift for my mom to ask his opinion. Why am I still doing stuff like it never happened. I think about him constantly, and I just can't accept he's gone. I can't do it. I find that I'm telling myself it was all just a nightmare and I'm gonna wake up soon, knowing in the back of my head that it's a lie. I mean I never expected this. I still have nightmares about finding him. I wont even sleep at my house anymore. The one night I did I went to his spot in the bed and layed there, without even sleeping, just being there. Nobody around me understands why I'm still the way I am. I don't even understand sometimes. I just want to be back to normal. I want to be myself again, but I know it wont ever happen. I'm not the same person anymore, coming home and finding him changed me, and I don't think that part of me will ever come back. I don't want it to be Christmas. Christmas is a time to be with your family, and be happy, but I don't have my family anymore. The whole thing just makes me want to cry, but I won't cry about it.

[jc1030]

Roxygirl,

I'm also bracing myself for Christmas. I lost my father the day before Halloween, and it hasn't truly sunk in. I'm starting to feel a little sadder than I have been the past week or two. I constantly think about the interactions I had with my dad. Not just major things, but the little conversations and things that happened between the two of us whether when I was young or when I was older. I think I'm always going to get emotional whenever I go home to see my mom, and I see things that belonged to him; that's not going to change. So many things that belonged to him, even things that he collected before he was married or before I was born are left in the house. I also want things to get back to normal (at least as normal as possible in a world without my dad), but I know it's going to take time. Take care.

Jeff

[sylviac]

Roxygirl; I could read your pain in your words and my heart hurts so much for you. I would not even try to say I understand how hard it must have been to be the one to find your father after he passed. My father passed away in my arms in July (06) and these are such painful images that I relive over and over in my mind. I keep telling myself to breathe, and that Christmas is just ONE day of this awful year, just 24 hours...that I can force myself to just get through it. After that, get through the day after that.

I have, like everyone says, found that writing here does help. And that everyone here on this site understands pain and sorrow. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

[roxygirl]

I just don't know how to be happy about Christmas without my dad, when I can hardly even pretend to be happy about everyday life. Everyone is like christmas cheer this, joy that, and all I want to do is lay in bed and cry my eyes out because christmas just isn't christmas anymore. I mean I expected to spend christmas with my dad until I was old, married had a family and everything. I'm only 17, and I wont have any more with him. I will never be able to see him smile, hear his laugh, or anything. I just can't seem to find the holiday joy in me. I find it hard to have any joy about anything anymore.

[sylviac]

((((Roxygirl)))) I am so sorry, I know how hard this is. If you have to cry--do so. I know that all I want to do right now is be alone too. I hope you have some support close to you who understand. Plus, you have those of us on this site who are sympathetic and understand too. Much hugs and my thoughts are with you during this difficult, difficult time.-Love, Sylvia

[Guest Guest]

Hello everyone. I am new to this website. I wish I had found it months ago, but I'm so glad to see it now. I am so, so sorry for all your losses. My dad passed away in May after a very sudden diagnosis in March of pancreatic cancer. It went so fast, I never had a chance to really say goodbye or to even see him. We don't live (didn't live) in the same area. I thought I was doing pretty good for the most part until about a month ago when all the xmas music and holiday onslaught began. This is so very, very hard, isn't it? I can't WAIT until this holiday is over. I think it's all the memories of good times spent together over the years......our family is extrememly small and close. There's only my mom now and an older brother, sis-in-law and 2 nieces. and then my husband (an only child w/ no living parents or family) and my 2 children (one at home and one away at school and work). That's it. I was watching a movie last night.....Family Stone........it started out so funny and then once I was hooked I realized the mother in the family was dying of cancer and there were all the issues of the family coping with that and then the xmas sentimental stuff was in there too. I cried and cried..... The emotions are so close to the surface and I find myself either irritated or crying so easily. The memories help, but they also hurt. We will all get through this.....I'm so glad you are all there. Oh, and Roxygirl.....I think you made a comment about people thinking you should not be so upset anymore, or should be moving on.....or something to that effect. Don't pay any attention to them.......people mean well, but they don't always understand.....What you have gone through is going to take a long time to heal from......My goodness.....it's only been a few months....weeks.......This process takes a long time and you must be understanding and gentle to yourself. Stay close to your family members, friends or school counsellors who can just "be there" for you to listen. Be good to yourself. You are going to be ok. We all will be.

[kathleenplocinski]

Yesterday I bought my dad a large Christmas wreath and took my 3 year old daughter to the cementary and put it on his grave. The stone for my dads grave was just put in. I was covered from mud because it is a fresh grave with no grass. It is hard to believe my dad who was my santa clause for so many years is gone. I am sorry that I sound so down and have no words of advice on how to deal with the holiay without our dads. I guess I am just having a bad night. Tomorrow is another day...Kathleen

[stansbaby]

I am wishing you all (including myself) the strength just to get through today and tomrorrow. There is no magical solution to get through it. We are forced to "bite the bullet" and go through it the best way we know how. Good luck to all of us during this extremely difficult time.

Your friend,

Andrea

[kathyanne]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been here in a while but after reading through all your posts (and crying) I feel exactly the same way that you do about getting through today and tomorrow. My Dad was the most important person in my life and the last time we really had a good, long chat in person was last Christmas Eve. Three months later leukemia took him at 68. So today has been incredibly difficult...I keep remembering the traditions I was accustomed to and realizing that they're gone. Seeing others beeing cheerful, getting together with their families, etc., is tough because I know that I used to be that way.

I don't have any advice about how to get through this, I chose to spend the two days alone so I wouldn't have to act like I was happy and would be able to express my sadness freely (lots of sobbing). Just going to the store was an effort - can't imagine what trying to "celebrate" would be like!

Anyways, I feel for all of you and hope that we can try to tell ourselves the holidays are ALMOST over.

Kathy

[speechmom]

Hi Everyone!

Well, I made it through Christmas Eve mass and even though I thought about my dad alot I was OK. I actually felt some peace and calm. Hard to believe with my mother who is still angry at me sitting on the other side of my husband. I decided that I wasn't going to let her get to me and just kept thinking of what my dad would be saying to me in this situation. For those who didn't read my previous post, she is angry because I am going to my stepmother's house tomorrow for lunch before we go to her house for dinner. She thinks now that my dad is gone I won't continue a relationship with my stepmother. Well, I can't do that.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough one. I plan to make the cemetary my first stop. I just have to keep telling myself that my dad would want me to give my kids a happy Christmas day. He adored my boys and they always put a smile on his face. I am not quite sure what to expect emotionally tomorrow since this is the first Christmas without dad. I only know from the past 7 months that feelings can come out of the blue and creep up on you when you least expect it. I will keep you all in my prayers tomorrow. I know we can all get through it with the strength from our loved ones from up above. Merry Christmas!

Heidi

[sylviac]

For those of us who have lost a parent. We dreaded how hard this would be, and more like than not, it exceeded our expectations. (Dec 24th is when people in Germanany, like my Mom, like to open presents. I was so stressed out yesterday that it manifested itself physically. I couldn't keep any food down and my emotions would not stay in check. The morning started out with me just being slightly disgruntled. Then, the grief grew and ulitmately, knocked all the joy out of the holdiay for me. Thank goodness for the understanding of family and friends! Most importantly though, is that we made it through the day. But, if you are like me...we wished for our parent to walk back into our lives, just like before. We have to acknowledge they are no longer there and we must start to heal. That is the gift we must give ourselbes. May some Peace take up residence in our lives in the coming year. Love Sylvia

[mariposa]

Guest,

I watched that movie Family Stone too thinking it was going to cheer me up because I thought it was only supposed to be a funny movie. Thats what It seemed like in the previews. I saw it two weeks after my dad died and It was so hard when I realized that the mom was sick with cancer. My dad died from that horrible disease! I made it through Christmas. I dont know how but I did. It's so hard because my dad died in Sep and then in Oct was Halloween, Nov. Thanksgiving, Dec. Christmas, Jan. New years and his bday is Jan. 8th then Feb. is Valentines day. He loved celebrating all those days with my mom and the rest of the family. I'm missing my dad so very much. I wish everyone peace.

Linda

Hello everyone. I am new to this website. I wish I had found it months ago, but I'm so glad to see it now. I am so, so sorry for all your losses. My dad passed away in May after a very sudden diagnosis in March of pancreatic cancer. It went so fast, I never had a chance to really say goodbye or to even see him. We don't live (didn't live) in the same area. I thought I was doing pretty good for the most part until about a month ago when all the xmas music and holiday onslaught began. This is so very, very hard, isn't it? I can't WAIT until this holiday is over. I think it's all the memories of good times spent together over the years......our family is extrememly small and close. There's only my mom now and an older brother, sis-in-law and 2 nieces. and then my husband (an only child w/ no living parents or family) and my 2 children (one at home and one away at school and work). That's it. I was watching a movie last night.....Family Stone........it started out so funny and then once I was hooked I realized the mother in the family was dying of cancer and there were all the issues of the family coping with that and then the xmas sentimental stuff was in there too. I cried and cried..... The emotions are so close to the surface and I find myself either irritated or crying so easily. The memories help, but they also hurt. We will all get through this.....I'm so glad you are all there. Oh, and Roxygirl.....I think you made a comment about people thinking you should not be so upset anymore, or should be moving on.....or something to that effect. Don't pay any attention to them.......people mean well, but they don't always understand.....What you have gone through is going to take a long time to heal from......My goodness.....it's only been a few months....weeks.......This process takes a long time and you must be understanding and gentle to yourself. Stay close to your family members, friends or school counsellors who can just "be there" for you to listen. Be good to yourself. You are going to be ok. We all will be.

[carla76]

Hopefully everyone made it safely and soundly through the treacherous days of Christmas. I can only hope that 2007 brings all of us some kind of peace and understanding as to why the ones we loved have been "taken" away ~ Everyone keeps saying that my pop is with me 24/7 .. I believe it ...

I turn 31 on the 1st .. my first happy new year/happy birthday midnight without a call from him .. I know it'll be ok ... because i know he'll be right at my side ~

A Peaceful & Safe New Year ..

[kelli2323]

Hi everyone! I have never posted on this site before--but I read messages often. This week has been the toughest by far. I lost my dad in August. I had just flown out that morning for work....stopped by and saw him before I left for the airport--called him nine times that day while I was stuck at the airport (it was the day security was heightened and fluids were banned)...and once I got to the hotel and sat down to eat dinner...I got the call that forever changed my life. I was in the initial shock for weeks. Now things have had a chance to catch up with me and I'm having a really hard time...his birthday was in Sept, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year. It's just so much. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that I have become a burden to him. I know he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings--but he did. He said that he can wake up in the mornings and be fine...with none of this on his mind--and then he sees me upset and then it depresses him--because he can't do anything for me. I feel like I can't even cry in my own home when a feeling overcomes me. I don't just sit around and cry--even though there are days I would like to--but everyday is a new day to me...a new memory. My husband has never lost anyone in his family so he has no idea how bad this really is. I know he loved my dad and is having a hard time himself...but I really hate that he made me feel worse about something I cannot help. I didn't know if anyone had been through something similiar with their partner. This is a perfect example of when I would pick up the phone, call my dad and get his advice.

[mofirefly]

kelli2323 - My husband has behaved in a similar manner - I think his way of handling stuff like this (and lots of other things) is to go about doing day to day things and not think about the bad stuff. He says he only gets upset when I'm upset. I'm at a loss on what to do when I am upset, because I don't want to upset him. It can get pretty "catch22" I really don't think a lot of men know who to handle emotional feelings. I guess I'm fortunate that my husband spends a majority of time out in the garage, so whenever I'm feeling like crying, I can. I remember my mom would go take a shower whenever she needed to cry. I'm not sure any of this can be considered advice, but I don't think you are alone in this (not that that helps either). I've have tried on occasions to express what I'm going thru and how I'd like him to just put his arm around me when I'm upset. Sometimes I think he feels he has to try to make things better and I've told him that's not his job...he just needs to be there with me to help hold me up. On well, life can be very confussing and when a person is griving and their emotions are all over the place it can get even worse. If nothing else, coming here and venting can be of some comfort, at least it has been for me. Please take care!

[speechmom]

I am going through the exact same thing with my husband! He has no idea how to comfort me and seems to get mad when I am crying or upset. He actually told me that I need to get over this and that I need professional help. Like your husband, he never lost anyone this close either so he can't even begin to understand. His reaction is that my being upset is not helping the situation and will only perpetuate my sad feelings. Hello?! I am still grieving and I can't just "Get over it". I don't mean to make him sound cold and heartless but he is just not one to talk about emotions and I think he feels at a loss because he can't take away my pain too. He doesn't know what to say and I told him that he doesn't have to "say" anything. Just validate my feelings. Christmas was very tough and I really felt like I had to hide my tears. If I didn't have my kids I probably would've stayed home all day and when I expressed that he got angry. It's very difficult to go through this so I can apppreciate all of your feelings. That is why these message boards are so important to me. Thank God there are people who understand what we are going through. Take care and keep on posting. Writing it all down does help!

Heidi

[kathleenplocinski]

I understand what you are going through. When I tell my husband how I am feeling about the loss of my father he says that he knows what I feel like. I don't know how that is possible since he hasen't lost anyone that close in his own family. I usually hide my feelings until I am by myself so he doesn't get irritated with me. He is a caring person, it is just I think he believes that after a certain time period, everything should be fine. You can't but a time period on your feelings. I have another question. When my dad died he really struggled with his breathing. It was pretty scarey to watch. I now find myself when I am in bed for the night having trouble breathing. I feel like I am not being able to take deep breaths and that I am not getting enough oxygen. It only happens when I am in bed for the night. I know it is all in my head, and that I am breathing fine, I just don't know how to fix it. Has this happened to anyone else, or am I just going crazey? Kathleen