Loss of a Father

[lynnny]

i everyone, today is 3 months that my dad has passed......it just makes me so sad that he will not be hear for xmas.

i have to say that my friends really are not getting any better. they ask "how are you" or you doing ok" and then don't want to hear it. I do however have one friend who has been great because she lost her mom a long time ago. It is just really weird calling home and not asking to talk to daddy.

I hope everyone had an ok weekend...thanks for listening as always..

[mandndad]

Hey All,

I haven't posted in a few weeks, things have been VERY hard to say the least. My sister and I spent Thanksgiving alone in our fathers home. It was VERY HARD...

If I could have stayed in bed all day and did nothing I would have. The thing is I have children and so does she so we had to get up and put on happy faces for our children and actually for our father. We set the X-mas tree up tonight that too was alone without our mom, In our fathers home. It just seems soo wrong. Not having him and not having our family to help cope with this tragedy.

do any of you ever feel like you are dealing with this all alone??? Sorry I am skippin around I'm Just VERY VERY confused and am dreading putting on a happy face when the truth is I am far from happy, I want my dad back and Damn-it it hurts. Sorry I am just loosing it it feels like sometimes. Thanks for lettin me vent. Hope all is better in your greiving!!! Mandee

[myfathermyhero]

Thank you everyone for your comments, they meant alot to me. It is always comforting to come on here and know that I am not alone with all of the feelings that I am experiencing. Things have been hard lately. With the holidays and the one year anniversary of my dad passing away coming up. I know that we are supposed to move on with our lives and continue to live, because that is what our dads would have wanted, but does anyone else ever feel really guilty for being happy? I know it sounds ridiculous, but i feel like I am being insensitive. I have to stop myself sometimes and say 'how can you be so happy, when your dad is gone'. It doesn't help that people sometimes make comments that I am dealing with this much better than they would be. It makes me feel like they are judging me, and that they misinterpret my strength for coldness. I don't feel like I should have to explain my actions to people. I just feel alone most of the time. I don't like bringing it up to my mom or my sisters, because I don't want to bring them down. I find that it is the little things that set me off the most. Today I was making my shopping list for christmas and it killed me to not have my dads name on it. His name should be on there, I should be buying a christmas present for my dad, and he should be there to spend christmas with his family. Life is really unfair sometimes, there are so many crappy people out there that deserve to die, and instead good people liek our dads are gone.

Thanks for listening.

Until next time....

Christine

[oilyducks]

I get that all the time and it makes me feel so bad, because honestly they wouldnt know how they would deal with it. You do everything you can to make it through the day because thats what you have to do, alot of the time i wish i could just give up and stay in bed all day. I stayed home an extra day from break and skipped my classes because i had a hard time forcing my self to go back to school. People should know especially my friends that i dont always show what i feel and just because i appear strong doesnt mean that i dont cry myself to sleep at night. Night seems to be the worse, when everything gets quiet. I just dont know how to talk to my friends anymore, I started seeing a therapist at school and i just make up excuses of why i am out. these are my best friends, why cant i tell them, mayb because they think i am doing so well with it and i dont want them to be disappointed. Also, they are all starting to decorate for christmas and i really dont want to, it feels so weird with out my dad. I went to the grave for the first time after the funeral today and seeing his name in stone made it impossible to belieive that this had happened.

It doesn't help that people sometimes make comments that I am dealing with this much better than they would be. It makes me feel like they are judging me, and that they misinterpret my strength for coldness. I don't feel like I should have to explain my actions to people. I just feel alone most of the time.

[mariposa]

When I woke up this morning and I was so irritated and some what angry. I kept thinking about how I dont have my dad. I had seen this retirement commercial yesterday with an old man and I kept thinking my dad will never grow old. He died at 52 and at 30 I dont have a dad anymore and it hurts me and gets me mad too. Surprisingly Thanksgiving wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. I guess because we did certain things to try to make ourselves feel better. We set a place for my dad. The same seat he would always sit in at the table. We put his picture there and some of his things. I'm still dreading Christmas though. I want all this jolly BS to go away. I walk around with a fake smile. I'm the type of person who's happy all the time and smiles a lot but these days my smile is fake.

[Guest Guest]

I was browsing around and found this site. I have been reading all the posts and feel everyone's pain. I lost my father June 9th 2006. He was 58 and died from a massive heart attack. He wasnt sick or on any medication. He went to the doctor for his annual check up 2 months prior and was given a thumbs up. He golfed all the time and went dancing on the weekends. It was completely unexpected.

I saw him one week exactly prior to his death. He put his hands on my shoulders and said "I am so proud of you. I love you so much" Gave me a big kiss on my cheek and a big bear hug. I told him I love him too. *smile*tear* That was the last thing we said to each other.

I still feel like that day was yesterday. I still hurt everyday. Yes, I put on a smile and go through the motions (at work, with family, with my daughter). I feel so lost without him. My dad was my rock. He was always there for me. I was always a daddy's girl. Whenever I needed a shoulder, he was there. Something fixed? He was there. When I could not lean on any other man in my life, he was there. He was always there.

I have not been able to grasp the ground I walk on since his death. After his death I did not eat for a month, didnt sleep for 3. I was literally sick up until recently. My summer was a blur. I let my responsibilities go. All I managed to do was revolve myself around my daughter. Her homework, cheerleading, etc...but even now our relationship has gone all to hell.

I can type on here forever about my dad and such, but finally someone last night said to me you cant stay depressed forever. It made me think. Am I depressed? Is that was this is? I cried myself to sleep last night thinking how I have no one to turn to. No one to talk to. (I do: mom, sister, family...etc) but for some reason, I just dont feel like they GET what I am feeling. They were not as close to him as I was.

So I am glad I found this site, I plan on browsing all over it and hopefull find some peace....

Thanks for listening/reading

Jen

[Guest Guest]

A Daughters Love

What it is about my life daddy

That makes men treat me like they do,

Why is it I can never find someone

As gentle or kind as you.

You used to come to me when I'd fall

And pick me up off of the ground.

There's no one here to pick me up

Now that you're not around.

You taught me how to stand

Upon my own two feet,

How to hang tough in life

And not let myself be beat.

But today I really need you here

Just to be my dad,

To make life disappear for me

Like you did when things got bad.

To hold me on your lap

And rock me as a child,

And tell me life would be better

Sometimes it just takes awhile.

Look down on me daddy

From what ever cloud your on,

I've never needed you so much

As I do now that you're gone.

Grace me with your love

And bless me with your smile,

Watch over me still daddy

Like you did when I was a child.

No matter how old I am

Or how I've traveled far,

I never stopped needing you

Now you are my favorite star.

And when I need a daddies love

I look up into the night,

I talk to you from my heart

You are still my guiding light.

I wish just once more

I could feel your arms about me,

Holding me with a fathers love

Cradling me tenderly.

I'm a grown woman now

But still I need you so,

I wish I had been with you

When it was your time to go.

But I know as you look down

On me from Heaven high,

You'll be there waiting for me

When it is my time to die.

For now I'll hold my head up

And walk in strength for you,

For I've never forgotten the lessons

That I learned by watching you.

I'm not going to say good-bye

For that hurts to much to do,

I'll just kiss you once and let you go

And tell you that I love you.

Forgive me when I cry for you

For it's your love I miss the most,

It's times like now I need you so

Just to hold you close.

[lynnny]

hi guest- thanks for the poem it is beautiful....

[speechmom]

I just found this site and am so glad that there is a place to go where people can understand what I have been through and continue to go through. I lost my dad on May 11, 2006 after a long battle with cancer. He was 64. I still cry almost everyday and I never know what is going to bring it on. Yesterday was especially tough. I stopped by Panera Bread to pick up lunch and looked over at this couple in a booth and it just happened to be my dad's hospice nurse. He was only in hospice care for 2 days but I remembered her immediately. I was so shaken I could hardly order my food and practically ran out of there. When I told my husband about it he just said, "oh". He is not a heartless person but has no idea how to comfort me and doesn't know what to say so just avoids it. I feel like I can't keep talking about this to my friends because they wont't understand. That is why I am so glad to have found this group. I look forward to getting to know you and being a support for each other.

[myfathermyhero]

speechmom,

I am so sorry for your loss. This board has been a savior to me over the last year, and I hope that you are able to find the same comfort here, that I have found. I have moments like that all the time. Its wierd, because sometimes I am so together, and Im doing fine, and then all of a sudden something little happens, and I completely lose it. Today I came home from work, and I was checking the messages on the machine. My dads partner at work had called and said that he and a bunch of my dads freinds from work had put something together in memory of my dad, and that they wanted to drop it off. I completely lost it and collapsed sobbing on the floor. I usually try to block out everything until Im in bed at night, and its hard when something comes up that forces you to deal with it. I've given up all hope of my freinds ever understanding what I'm going through. I know that they are not trying to be insensitive, but they just don't know how to deal with it. So instead I come on here or I talk to my mom about what Im going through. I have no advice to give you, because there is no advice to give in a situation like this. All I can say is that I understand where you are coming from and that you are not alone. I hope you are feeling better.

Until next time...

Christine

[myfathermyhero]

Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss. My father died of a heart attack as well. He was only 49 years old. It was completlely unexpected, as far as we knew he was in good health. He was over wieght and didn't really take care of himself, but that is also about 50 percent of the population and those people are still alive. I know exactly how you feel about going through the motions, and pretending to actually live your life, when all you really want to be doing is lying in bed and crying. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my dads death on December 15th, and it seems so bizarre to me. I can't even comprehend that, that much time has passed. I think it really just goes to show how out of it I was for most of the last year. A year has passed and I feel like I have no idea what I have actually done with that amount of time.

As for what you said about depression, I don't think its depression, I think its you grieving. Has the person that said this to you, ever lost a parent? Because if they haven't they have no idea about the situation, and what you are going through. My doctor tried to put me on anti depressants and I said no. Grieving is a very natural process and I don't think that drugs sgould be taken to speed it up. I did however take anti anxiety pills for a while, and found that they were a good way of dealing with the sever anxiety attacks I had been having. If you think you may be depressed, you may want to think about seeing a therapist, or going to a group counseling meeting. I went for the first month after my dad died, and I found it to be slightly helpful.

Until next time...

Christine

[oilyducks]

same with me i think thats why it is so hard sometimes, because i love to smile but its hard to know that now its all fake

When I woke up this morning and I was so irritated and some what angry. I kept thinking about how I dont have my dad. I had seen this retirement commercial yesterday with an old man and I kept thinking my dad will never grow old. He died at 52 and at 30 I dont have a dad anymore and it hurts me and gets me mad too. Surprisingly Thanksgiving wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. I guess because we did certain things to try to make ourselves feel better. We set a place for my dad. The same seat he would always sit in at the table. We put his picture there and some of his things. I'm still dreading Christmas though. I want all this jolly BS to go away. I walk around with a fake smile. I'm the type of person who's happy all the time and smiles a lot but these days my smile is fake.

[oilyducks]

Therapy really does help, i didnt think it would and i was hesitant on going but i started going 2 weeks ago just about a month after my dad died and ive only been twice but i really do see a difference. My therapist told me to write out all the thoughts in my head, especially if i cant sleep and it really does help, its like emptying your head.

[speechmom]

Thanks for your thoughts and understanding. I know exactly what somebody said about their friends not understanding what they are going through. I just had a conversation with a best friend of mine today. I hadn't talked to her since Thanksgiving and she asked me how it was. When is said "OK" she said "You sound upset" Well, YEAH!! It was the first big holiday without my dad. People just don't get it! Then she told me that she thought I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because I said that I think about my Dad everyday and still can cry at the drop of a hat. I guess she feels like I should be past all of that. Well, I am not and I don't think it is PTSS, I think it is normal grieving. I really had to end the conversation because I was getting very annoyed. I know she doesn't mean anything bad or hurtful but it is. I just can't wait for the holidays to be over. I look forward to spending more time on these message boards and getting some comfort from you. Now I gotta run to a PTO meeting! Life certainly goes on! Thank God for the kids!

Talk to you soon!

Heidi

[Guest Guest]

My father just died on November 6, 2006 from Cancer. I stayed day and night with him while he was in the hospital. I held his hand when he passed. I miss him so much. I prayed for my dad to be healed for 5 years. He was such a strong man. This past June my sisters, mom ,and me took my father to LasVagus for an early 80th birthday party for him. We had such a wonderful time. The week after we got home he got a sore throat. Three days later he had a trache and feeding tube put in. I was devastated. During all of this he never gave up hope. He was a fighter. I took care of him with my mom. When he went into the hospital in November he was having trouble with his lung. My father lost all is hearing so I would talk to him by writing. I sat on his hospital bed one night and asked him to read a letter I wrote. I told him in the letter how much I loved him and how strong a person he was. Basically, I told him that it was ok to die. I didn't want him to suffer anymore. I didn't want to see my dad die piece by piece. After he read my letter he told me he loved me and thanked me for all I have done for him. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. Deep down I didn't want my father to die, but I knew he would never get better. I thought maybe he needed me to let him know it was ok to die. I never left his side at the hospital. The night he died, he gave me a wink and blew me a kiss. I held his hand when he passed. I will always miss my dad. Dying is a difficult journey. Kathleen

I certainly relate to how you are feeling and want to share my feelings. I am losing my dad to cancer. I am so hurt,lost and depressed. I will miss him so much. We are close and I\\\'ve prayed to God to heal him. He is in the nursing home now and has been neglected & abused emotionally by the nurses and staff.They have made him cry and let me tell you how bad that hurts. I do not want to live without my dad. I need some friends that understand and I understand grief and what you are going through, please write me and maybe we can be support for one another.

Tina

[speechmom]

Guest...

I also was with my dad when he passed away in May, 2006. Even though it was the hardest and longest night of my life I feel very fortunate that I was with him. He struggled all throught the night and finally left us at 6:20am. I think he was waiting for the sun to come up. I was and still am devestated that we couldn't keep him at home. He started with hospice in the home but after a day it was evident that my stepmother just couldn't care for him on her own. He only survived 17 hours in the hospice unit and I really wish he could've died at home.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him terribly. I still talk to him in my thoughts but I ache to hear his voice. That is wonderful that you got to do a trip like that with your dad. I am grateful for the times I got to see my dad with my boys who are 7 and 1. They were the light of his life and I am glad for that. Keep your chin up. The holidays will be very different for us this year. I am trying to take it one day at a time.

Heidi

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

I know what you mean I am usually the one who is always smiling, but at the moment i don't feel like i have anything to smile about,each day gets harder, not easier. My Dad died suddenly on August 10th he was only 55, i am 28 next week(8th Dec) I am dreading it!

And Christmas is going to be awful without him I miss him so much, it hurts!

I had adream that he called me last night, it was great, then i woke up to reality. I dream about him every week, its always that he's still alive that he was given a second chance. Does anyone else have dreams like this???

When I woke up this morning and I was so irritated and some what angry. I kept thinking about how I dont have my dad. I had seen this retirement commercial yesterday with an old man and I kept thinking my dad will never grow old. He died at 52 and at 30 I dont have a dad anymore and it hurts me and gets me mad too. Surprisingly Thanksgiving wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. I guess because we did certain things to try to make ourselves feel better. We set a place for my dad. The same seat he would always sit in at the table. We put his picture there and some of his things. I'm still dreading Christmas though. I want all this jolly BS to go away. I walk around with a fake smile. I'm the type of person who's happy all the time and smiles a lot but these days my smile is fake.

[kathleenplocinski]

Heidi,

Thank you for sharing your story. I too have a daughter who just turned 3. She had my dad wrapped around her little finger. He helped take care of her when I went to work. I adopted her from China and I am grateful that my father lived long enough to see her and know her. He gave her enough love to last the rest of her life. I too wish my dad could have died in the comfort of his house. He was on too much oxygen to be able to leave the hospital. Those last few minutes of his life were quite a struggle. I will never forget that. I am just so grateful he was not alone. Things will get better. Like you said, one day at a time. Kathleen

Guest...

I also was with my dad when he passed away in May, 2006. Even though it was the hardest and longest night of my life I feel very fortunate that I was with him. He struggled all throught the night and finally left us at 6:20am. I think he was waiting for the sun to come up. I was and still am devestated that we couldn\'t keep him at home. He started with hospice in the home but after a day it was evident that my stepmother just couldn\'t care for him on her own. He only survived 17 hours in the hospice unit and I really wish he could\'ve died at home.

Not a day goes by that I don\'t think of him and miss him terribly. I still talk to him in my thoughts but I ache to hear his voice. That is wonderful that you got to do a trip like that with your dad. I am grateful for the times I got to see my dad with my boys who are 7 and 1. They were the light of his life and I am glad for that. Keep your chin up. The holidays will be very different for us this year. I am trying to take it one day at a time.

Heidi

[carla76]

So many people always tell me and my mother that they "see" my pop in different places ... This past Tuesday I was having a really bad day ~ I miss my pop so much ... For the 1st time since he died, I dreamt of him. He came to pick me up from work ~ I remember his legs looking so skinny ~ I woke up and for a milli-second I thought it was real ~ and the next second reality smacked me right in the face ... It was really beautiful though ~ I still feel his presence from the dream ...

I lost my father had a very mild heart attack on March 9th, they had to perform open heart surgery on him since they found 99% blockage in his atteries ~ 3 days after he was sent home he got himself up and dressed and went to vote in the Peruvian Elections ~ he suffered from a massive brain hemorrage minutes after placing his vote. amazing. My father was a proud Peruvian man ~ I miss him terribly ... I am the youngest and only girl ~ I am angry and terribly saddened that he will never walk me down the isle when i get married ~ he will never be able to play with my children ...

I've had a terrible cold the past few days ~ he would always make me tea and rub vicks on my head ~ to try and make me feel better ... I think his fingers gave Vicks the magic to work ~ it hasn't worked the same for me ..

Sorry for rambling ... But thanks for reading.

[oilyducks]

Although my father didnt die of cancer, he died from liver diease but he was sick for awhile and spent 2 months in the hospital before he died. I was there everyday until i had to leave for school and then i would come home every weekend and go straight to the hospital to sit there, as he spent more time in the hospital he was losing his mind and speech, so it got harder to talk to him. My father passed away on October 6, 2006 and I also held his hand well he died. I can't get that image of him taking his last breaths out of my mind, do you have the same problem?, I often wonder how i would feel differently if I hadnt stayed. I know I would have regretted not being there but would it be easier to grieve now?

My father just died on November 6, 2006 from Cancer. I stayed day and night with him while he was in the hospital. I held his hand when he passed. I miss him so much. I prayed for my dad to be healed for 5 years. He was such a strong man. This past June my sisters, mom ,and me took my father to LasVagus for an early 80th birthday party for him. We had such a wonderful time. The week after we got home he got a sore throat. Three days later he had a trache and feeding tube put in. I was devastated. During all of this he never gave up hope. He was a fighter. I took care of him with my mom. When he went into the hospital in November he was having trouble with his lung. My father lost all is hearing so I would talk to him by writing. I sat on his hospital bed one night and asked him to read a letter I wrote. I told him in the letter how much I loved him and how strong a person he was. Basically, I told him that it was ok to die. I didn't want him to suffer anymore. I didn't want to see my dad die piece by piece. After he read my letter he told me he loved me and thanked me for all I have done for him. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. Deep down I didn't want my father to die, but I knew he would never get better. I thought maybe he needed me to let him know it was ok to die. I never left his side at the hospital. The night he died, he gave me a wink and blew me a kiss. I held his hand when he passed. I will always miss my dad. Dying is a difficult journey. Kathleen

I certainly relate to how you are feeling and want to share my feelings. I am losing my dad to cancer. I am so hurt,lost and depressed. I will miss him so much. We are close and I\'ve prayed to God to heal him. He is in the nursing home now and has been neglected & abused emotionally by the nurses and staff.They have made him cry and let me tell you how bad that hurts. I do not want to live without my dad. I need some friends that understand and I understand grief and what you are going through, please write me and maybe we can be support for one another.

Tina

[kellyoc]

My dad died from complications from cancer too. He was sick for four years and managed to live three and a half years longer than the doctors at Sloan Kettering had told us. My dad heard the word cancer but instead of dying he lived more. He went on many vacations and enjoyed every day that he had. The last month of his life was so dificult. He finally realized that he was going to die. I think reality set in and he could not fight the cancer any longer. Although he was dying, he still had an amazing attitude. I constantly think about his last few weeks of life. I hate the fact that he had to know that he was going to be leaving his children, wife and parents and he felt so powerless He said he was not so much afraid to die but he just did not want to leave his family. HE could not do anything to save himself. I feel sad that I could not have don anything to save him. I always have thoughts and visions of my dad vomiting blood. I picture him laying in the hospice bed in my mom and dad's living room unable to move, unable to get out of bed to go to the restroom. I wish he did not have to go through those days. He always took care of all of us and it was so hard to see him so powerless. I am greatful to have had the opportunity to take off from work and be with him every single day for the last month of his life. I am greatful that I was able to tell him that I love him and to tell him that I would miss him. My dad told me that he was going to be with me forever, that he would be in my heart. I know he is with me but he just seems so far away. I get so angry sometimes.

Sorry for rambling....I guess I needed to get all that out again. Thanks everyone! Kelly

[kathleenplocinski]

I can't get the image of my father taking his last breaths out of my mind either. Unfortunately, he was very aware of every thing that was happening to him. He was on 100% oxygen and he was only breathing 32%. He was on morphine but he was awake and looking at me when he died. I held his hand and stroked his face and told him to go, it was ok. My father was completely deaf when he died so the sad part was that I couldn't talk to him. Right before he passed I wispered into his ear that I loved him very much. I would like to think that he heard me. His last breaths were scarey because he struggled for each drop of air. I wouldn't change me being there for a moment. I wish that vision of him dying would be less scarey and more peacefull. We just have to believe that the soul that was our fathers were no longer there and what we saw was just the body fading away. Kathleen

Although my father didnt die of cancer, he died from liver diease but he was sick for awhile and spent 2 months in the hospital before he died. I was there everyday until i had to leave for school and then i would come home every weekend and go straight to the hospital to sit there, as he spent more time in the hospital he was losing his mind and speech, so it got harder to talk to him. My father passed away on October 6, 2006 and I also held his hand well he died. I can't get that image of him taking his last breaths out of my mind, do you have the same problem?, I often wonder how i would feel differently if I hadnt stayed. I know I would have regretted not being there but would it be easier to grieve now?

My father just died on November 6, 2006 from Cancer. I stayed day and night with him while he was in the hospital. I held his hand when he passed. I miss him so much. I prayed for my dad to be healed for 5 years. He was such a strong man. This past June my sisters, mom ,and me took my father to LasVagus for an early 80th birthday party for him. We had such a wonderful time. The week after we got home he got a sore throat. Three days later he had a trache and feeding tube put in. I was devastated. During all of this he never gave up hope. He was a fighter. I took care of him with my mom. When he went into the hospital in November he was having trouble with his lung. My father lost all is hearing so I would talk to him by writing. I sat on his hospital bed one night and asked him to read a letter I wrote. I told him in the letter how much I loved him and how strong a person he was. Basically, I told him that it was ok to die. I didn't want him to suffer anymore. I didn't want to see my dad die piece by piece. After he read my letter he told me he loved me and thanked me for all I have done for him. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. Deep down I didn't want my father to die, but I knew he would never get better. I thought maybe he needed me to let him know it was ok to die. I never left his side at the hospital. The night he died, he gave me a wink and blew me a kiss. I held his hand when he passed. I will always miss my dad. Dying is a difficult journey. Kathleen

I certainly relate to how you are feeling and want to share my feelings. I am losing my dad to cancer. I am so hurt,lost and depressed. I will miss him so much. We are close and I've prayed to God to heal him. He is in the nursing home now and has been neglected & abused emotionally by the nurses and staff.They have made him cry and let me tell you how bad that hurts. I do not want to live without my dad. I need some friends that understand and I understand grief and what you are going through, please write me and maybe we can be support for one another.

Tina

[oilyducks]

thats a good point, that it was jsut there bodies and there soul wasnt there. My dad was on a breathing tube so he was sedated, so i got to say my goodbyes, with out him responding. I think that was hard; however the nurses told me that even through he was awake or couldnt hear doesnt mean that by a miracle he didnt understand and you never know what goes through, so i just hope he was able to hear what i said. and the last breaths were very scary and intense, especially the very final ones, he was gasping so much that noise it the most awful noise ever.

[speechmom]

I know what you mean about watching those final moments of suffering. I couldn't get them out of my head for a long time. It has been only recently that I can think of memories of my dad that don't involve him being sick. For the longest time people would say to me that the memories of my dad would comfort me but they were so wrong. The only way I could remember him was so old and sick looking and with the damn oxygen machine sounds in the room. He struggled with each breath for hours before he died and is was just brutal to witness. We had a good visit the day before he died and he saw my younger son walk for the first time in his room. He was so excited and thrilled. By the next day he pretty much slept and was in and out of it because of the heavy doses of pain meds he was on. I don't know if he heard me the hours before he died because he kept his eyes closed most of the time but once in a while his eyes would fly open and he would have a look of terror on his face. I felt so helpless. I just stroked his forehead and held his hand and layed my head on his chest and told him I wasn't going to leave and he could go now. I prayed all night for God to take him because I hated to see him suffer so much and he wasn't going to get better. I am so fortunate that I was there but I know what you mean about those visions staying with you forever. Even the sound of my seatbelt beeping in the car reminds me of the sounds of the hospital equipment and it brings me right back to that night. It is so therapeutic for me to be able to write all of these feelings down here and know that there are people out there who totally understand my grief.

[mindy10]

Dear Speechmom. You so strong to be with him his last moments. I was with my dad up to the final days of his death and then when my mom called and said this is it he will not last the night i could not bear to bring myself to his house and watch him take his last breath. The last time I saw him he was sitting up and still saying a few words here and there. He even had the strenght to smile at my 2 year old daughter as she handed him her toys. The lsat time I saw him he was sleeping and me and my daughter kissed him and said goodbye. Thats how I wanted to remember him. He was not alone at the end my mom and all my brothers and sisters where with him. Fortunately he did not gasp for breath. The day he died he was uncouncsious all day and then my mom said once he jumped up and looked so scared and screamed she thinks he saw someone comming to get him. He then had the funny breathing but his last breath was peaceful. He just took a deep breath and my sister was waiting for him to breath again and he didnt. He didnt even have the foam at the mouth like some people get. My sister gave him morphine every 1/2 hour and the secretion medicine every 15 minutes. God Bless her becasue I would never beable to do that. My mom told him I could not be there I was home with the baby and 15 minutes later he passed. I swear he was waiting for me. The funny thing is I was home sleeping and exactly at 12:55 I jumped up from a sound sleep and thats when he passed way. I think he was coming to say goodbye to me and my daughter. I know what you mean about the visions. My dad passed from colon cancer and the last 2 1/2 months where just watching him deteriorate and go down to 90 pounds. Then the last few days of having to give him water from those stupid sponges killed me. I never want to see one of those again. He couldnt even understand when I told him to open his mouth. Its so sad to see them once be a strong person to that. He has been gone since June and the images are not going away. Hopefully soon we will all be able to replace them with happy memories. Im so sorry for your lost. Mindy

[kathleenplocinski]

The hard part with my dad was that he was very with it up until his last breath. He even knew when he was hallucinating. Because he went deaf at the end, and he had a trache in, he couldn't hear, and it was hard for him to talk. When he was dying I kept wispering into his ear how much I loved him. I believe that at that point he heard me. Kathleen

thats a good point, that it was jsut there bodies and there soul wasnt there. My dad was on a breathing tube so he was sedated, so i got to say my goodbyes, with out him responding. I think that was hard; however the nurses told me that even through he was awake or couldnt hear doesnt mean that by a miracle he didnt understand and you never know what goes through, so i just hope he was able to hear what i said. and the last breaths were very scary and intense, especially the very final ones, he was gasping so much that noise it the most awful noise ever.

[speechmom]

I believe they can hear us even though they can't respond at that point anymore. Even if they can't comprehend the words they can feel our presence and "know" what we are saying. I have to believe that so that I know my dad wasn't scared at the end. His last words to me were "Is this the end?" when the ambulance came to take him to the hospice. I told him "no, we just can't take care of you here now" He nodded his head and seemed ok with that. He was in and out of it from there on because of all of the morphine but I know that he sensed us all around him. I am a very spiritual person so I have to believe that so I can be at peace with this.

I have a question for everyone. How are you acknowledging you loved one during the holidays? I have heard of families doing different things. My stepmother got me the ornament "Merry Christmas from Heaven" and of course I cried my eyes out but it will be the first one I put on my tree this year right at the top near my angel.

Oilyducks, I know what you mean about those sounds at the end. I still hear them once in a while in my dreams and it freaks me out. I haven't had to step in a hospital room since my dad died and I think those memories with the sounds and machines would really do a number on me.

[kathleenplocinski]

I agree with you. I believe that my father heard me eventhough he was deaf. I beleive at that point he was already with God and before he completely left, God allowed him to hear what we were saying. I have to believe that. My dad was 80 when he died. His sister is 81 years old, and the day of his wake she found out that she has stage 4 bladder cancer. She is having her bladder removed on December 14. I will be with her for her recovery in the hospital. She will be in the same hospital as my dad and she will be on the cancer floor where he was. I am not sure how I will be seeing and hearing all those same faces and machines. I am pretty scared, but I know I need to be there for her. She is a nun so she doesn't have any children or spouse to help her. I just pray that I won't break down. My dad just died and I keep thinking he is on a vacation someplace and will be home soon, eventhough I was there when he died. It just doesn't seem real. Well hopefully he will send me down some strength so I can take care of his sister. Thanks for listening....Kathleen

I believe they can hear us even though they can't respond at that point anymore. Even if they can't comprehend the words they can feel our presence and "know" what we are saying. I have to believe that so that I know my dad wasn't scared at the end. His last words to me were "Is this the end?" when the ambulance came to take him to the hospice. I told him "no, we just can't take care of you here now" He nodded his head and seemed ok with that. He was in and out of it from there on because of all of the morphine but I know that he sensed us all around him. I am a very spiritual person so I have to believe that so I can be at peace with this.

I have a question for everyone. How are you acknowledging you loved one during the holidays? I have heard of families doing different things. My stepmother got me the ornament "Merry Christmas from Heaven" and of course I cried my eyes out but it will be the first one I put on my tree this year right at the top near my angel.

Oilyducks, I know what you mean about those sounds at the end. I still hear them once in a while in my dreams and it freaks me out. I haven't had to step in a hospital room since my dad died and I think those memories with the sounds and machines would really do a number on me.

[princessdss]

I have a question for everyone. How are you acknowledging you loved one during the holidays? I have heard of families doing different things. My stepmother got me the ornament "Merry Christmas from Heaven" and of course I cried my eyes out but it will be the first one I put on my tree this year right at the top near my angel.

hello dealing with the loss of not only my father,august 7th 2006 but my mother october 2nd 2006 what is this ornament you called merry christmas fro heaven? where does one purchase it?why I ask is that i have three grandchildren that were left behind and won t have much of a commerical chritmas due to me not wanting to celebrate christmas and the other is finances...so again where can i buy this and make their chritmas special

[stansbaby]

I lost my father June 7th this year suddenly. He was 51 and was in incredible shape. He also just had his check up and everything was great. He excercised daily and didn't eat or drink, and wasn't overweight. We were on a family vacation at the beach and he went for a jog and collapsed and died suddenly of sudden cardiac arrest while he was running. Talk about ironic? He died doing something that was soppose to make him live longer and have a healthy heart. I know your pain. I have a 19 month old son and it has been the only thing to force me to go on. I am so sorry for your loss. It is the most confusing thing and horrific thing that could ever happen in my life too. I had just saw my dad 3 days before and he was glowing as always with his jet black hair, beautiful white smile, handsome as could be. He was known as a handsome man who took awesome care of himself. So I always say, what in the hell just happened? My mind still doesn't understand it. I know you feel the same way.

I was browsing around and found this site. I have been reading all the posts and feel everyone's pain. I lost my father June 9th 2006. He was 58 and died from a massive heart attack. He wasnt sick or on any medication. He went to the doctor for his annual check up 2 months prior and was given a thumbs up. He golfed all the time and went dancing on the weekends. It was completely unexpected.

I saw him one week exactly prior to his death. He put his hands on my shoulders and said "I am so proud of you. I love you so much" Gave me a big kiss on my cheek and a big bear hug. I told him I love him too. *smile*tear* That was the last thing we said to each other.

I still feel like that day was yesterday. I still hurt everyday. Yes, I put on a smile and go through the motions (at work, with family, with my daughter). I feel so lost without him. My dad was my rock. He was always there for me. I was always a daddy's girl. Whenever I needed a shoulder, he was there. Something fixed? He was there. When I could not lean on any other man in my life, he was there. He was always there.

I have not been able to grasp the ground I walk on since his death. After his death I did not eat for a month, didnt sleep for 3. I was literally sick up until recently. My summer was a blur. I let my responsibilities go. All I managed to do was revolve myself around my daughter. Her homework, cheerleading, etc...but even now our relationship has gone all to hell.

I can type on here forever about my dad and such, but finally someone last night said to me you cant stay depressed forever. It made me think. Am I depressed? Is that was this is? I cried myself to sleep last night thinking how I have no one to turn to. No one to talk to. (I do: mom, sister, family...etc) but for some reason, I just dont feel like they GET what I am feeling. They were not as close to him as I was.

So I am glad I found this site, I plan on browsing all over it and hopefull find some peace....

Thanks for listening/reading

Jen

[stansbaby]

Lately I have been getting so annoyed with my sister-in-law because she doesn't want anyone crying and upseting her 3 year old daughter. I have a 19 month old son too, and I choose to teach him to deal with things than to avoid them. I think there is a difference between raw grief and crying some because you miss someone. And if her daughter acts up, she chalks off EVERYTHING to my dad dying. It is like she don't want his name mentioned to upset her and it is all about her little girl. I hate it because she has my brother brain washed and he can never let his feelings show. He always puts on a happy face constantly because she makes him. I do think that we should try our best around smaller toddlers to deal with it the best we can, but I feel like I am walking on egg shells around them, like if any of us bring up my dads name or cry, then she is going to get pissed off. And, oh, we dont want her saying anything to me or especially my mom, or all hell will break lose. I want to always keep peace in my family, and I have not said anything, but it eats me up. Do any one you have this same situation?

[speechmom]

princessdss,

I saw the ornaments at a Christian bookstore. They have them in the Lillian Vernon catalog as well. It is a pewter ornament that says Merry Christmas from Heaven on it and it comes in a giftbox with a poem that is so beautiful. I am at work and don't have it with me or I would type in the entire poem for you. I will do that when I get home.

Stansbaby,

My condolences to you on your loss. I know how you feel with family. Mine drives me nuts too. I still cry in front of my kids (ages 7 and 1) and by older one understands that I am sad because I am missing Pop-Pop and will say that. He also says "Don't be sad Mommy because Pop-Pop is with Jesus now and we will see him in heaven" It is so touching. I think it is completely normal to be sad and for children to know that it is ok to be sad and cry about it. How else will they learn to deal with their own feelings? My brother does not talk about my dad at all. We are not very close and I thought this might bring us closer together but it hasn't. My dad is gone now almost 7 months and I still forget at times and go to reach for my cell phone to tell him something. Crazy, I know.

kathleen,

It will be difficult to go back to the hospital for sure. I still try to avoid driving by the hospice where my dad was. I will literally take a different route to avoid it. We just have to take one day at a time. Best wishes to your aunt. I am sure she will appreciate you being there for her and will probably be supporting you as much as you will be a support to her.

Take care everyone!

Heidi

[mindy10]

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is hanging in there. Im having a terrible night because it is my dads birthday tomorrow. Its my his first birthday without him here. Then the Holidays. God I can only handle so much. The first year is a killer. Im sitting here drinking a glass of wine to get relaxed and I never never drink wine. When my dad was around if he saw me drink he would say geez what are you becomming an alcoholic because i only drank about twice a year. I can hear him now from up above saying "geez what are you becomming an alcoholic?" Oh if I could only hear him say it in person. Its hard to imagine I will never hear his voice again. Thank God for Video. I bought a video camera right before I adopted my daughter. So my dad is on there for her first birthday and Christmas Day. I will cherish them for ever. Well I just needed to come here for some comfort tonight. I think I will head to bed. Mindy

[Guest Guest]

Hi Everyone,

I am searching for a place to find some comfort. My dad died Nov 26, 2006 after a very painful battle with lung cancer. His service is tomorrow and I feel like I am falling apart. I have 3 kids, age 6, 4, and 9months. I have to be strong for them and my new husband that I just married on October 15, 2006. ( Greatfully my dad walked me down the aisle). I hospiced him here at home to the very end. I am 28 but feel like I have already lived a lifetime. I was my dad's friend, caregiver and at the end his nurse. I can't hold it together anymore. The pain is to much to bear. How do you make it go away? Please help.

[kellyoc]

Mindy

I am thinking of you! Hang in there...I know there are no words to that I could say to you to make you feel any better. I hope tomorrow is not too tough for you. I often project the future and I am so sad to think about Christmas, my parents anniversary and my dad's birthday. I will be thinking of you.... Kelly

[kellyoc]

Guest

I am sorry for your loss. My dad died form colon cancer in May. I too was his friend, daughter, caregiver and nurse (at the end). The pain is so intense and I think of him every day. I miss my dad so much. I do, however, manage to get through each day. Some days are tougher than others and some days there are more tears than others. I find that when I cry I feel a bit better. It helps to come to this message board. I feel like it is a great place to get support and comfort. Everyone here really understands what it feels like to lose a dad. I hope you are able to gain support and comfort here as well. Hang in there..... Kelly

[mofirefly]

Guest - I believe you have found at least one place that can provide you with a little comfort as I believe sharing your emotions here is a great comfort. You state you have to be strong for you kids and new husband, but please take time to take care of yourself...perhaps letting you husband and others know how much pain you are feeling so they can be supportive of you. It's ok sometimes to let you guard down and not always be the strong one. You have the holidays upon you and so much more will follow on this journey you are starting on...the pain is so fresh for you right now and you yourself may not be able to make it go away, but it does (after time) seem to become something less sharp. Try to hold on to your precious memories of your dad. The service being tomorrow may be difficult but I hope you are able to get thru it...I'm not all that great at expressing my thoughts, but your post caught my eye. You did so very much for your dad. Please don't feel like you have to always hold it together...sometimes falling apart and just losing it can allow you a chance to start picking up pieces again...not sure if that makes sense but losing a loved one is something we here at this site have in common...and at least here we can express our thoughts in the hopes that it will help others and in turn perhaps help us. Please take care of yourself.

[kellyoc]

Stansbaby

You must feel so frustrated. I think that it is important for children to learn that it is okay to cry. I think that it is beneficial for children to learn that their parents can feel grief and sadness. In my grief support group earlier tonight, we talked about crying. One person shared that she does not cry in front of her children. One woman shared that she does and this allows her children to realize that it is okay to cry and okay for them to miss their loved one. The social worker suggested that it is good for children to see their parents feeling their feelings. This gives them permission to feel their own feelings. My grandmother (my dad's mom) always tries to hold in her tears. She says she does not want to upset anyone. I try to tell her that we all miss my dad and that it is okay to cry. It is not going to upset us...we are already upset that we lost our dad. It must be so hard for you to remain quiet! Kelly

[sylviac]

Hello; my Dad died July 29, 2006 and I just realized that I must have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Does anyone have any experience with it? My Dad was 90 years old and was diagnosed with Parkinson's and was in the hospital three times in a month before the end. He became aspriated and then he could no longer swallow. He was offered a feeding tube but he declined. He was offered hospice and died at home in my arms. My problem is the guilt I feel over bringing him home. I don't know if any of us (including my Dad) when we decided on hospice care that we knew that he would not get an IV for fluids and that definitively, he would die. We thought we would bring him home and nurse him back to heath. I was by his side for three days and knew that when I woke up on that 3rd day it would be the end. His eyes were wide open and he looked scared. At this point, he was no longer able to communicate with his eyes and the remainder of the day he was pretty much out of it. He died at 6:49 pm that evening. I guess I can take comfort in that I was there for him when noone else was and he knew that. My mom and brother could not handle it and there was noone else. It has been 5 monts now and all I can think of is those last days and feel devestated that he may not have known what was going on and that he was SCARED. How can I deal with this?

[kathleenplocinski]

Dear Sylviac,

I know what you are going through. My dad died November 6, 2006 and I held his hand when he died at 3:30am. He was in the hospital when he died because he was on too much oxygen to go home. A few times he tried to get up and walk out the door, but I was there and helped him to sit back down. Finally I asked him where he wanted to go, and he said "home." It broke my heart to tell him that I couldn't bring him home, because of all the oxygen. I know how scarey those last few days are and I think you were blessed to be able to have your dad at home in the comfort of his house. I know being the one taking care of your father during that time was extremely painful for you. It was painful for me. No one wants to see their loved one in pain or afraid, especially our fathers. Our dads were alway strong and protected us growing up. I believe dying is the hardest part of lifes journey. It is scarey and lonely. Your father was so luckly to have you by his side. I spent ever night at the hospital with my dad. He was on the cancer floor. I can't tell you how many people died alone there. I wish I could have held all of their hands. I believe it's ok to feel what you are feeling. I have had only bad dreams of my dad. I don't know why they are bad. Maybe it's because I saw him suffer and I couldn't do anything more then give him pain medication, wipe away a stray tear every now and then, and hold his hand. I have thought long and hard on death, and what was going through my dad's head during those days. I think knowing you are going to die is kind of like what we feel when we know our loved ones are dying. I beleive my dad was afraid to die because he would miss us, as we were afraid of him dying because we would miss him. If you are faithful, as I am, you have to believe that we will be together again one day. I know that's hard. I want my dad to give me a sign letting me know that there is a heaven, so I don't have to wonder. I guess I will keep my eye out. I don't know it this helps, but I wanted you to know that if there is one thing that I do know for a fact, is that your dad felt all the love you gave him during those hard days. You should not feel quilty. You did not make him sick. You couldn't cure him with medication. You loved him and were a good daughter. Like my 3 year old daughter said. "Papa is in heaven, and heaven is in my heart." Kids do say the darndest things. Kathleen

[sylviac]

Dear Kathleenplocinski--Thank you for your advice and insight. You seem to have a maturity that surpasses my level at this point. I wanted to respond and quickly "thank you" I would like to write more...However, I seem to be crying a bit too much right now. So, I will get it out and write again later. Again, thank you. Syl

[myfathermyhero]

Im having an awful day today. As soon as my alarm clock went off this morning, I knew that where I really wanted to spend my day, was in bed. I feel that as the saddness has subsided a little bit, I am now left with an enormous amount of anger. Im angry at my dad for not taking better care of himself, Im angry at him for leaving me, Im angry at god for the way my life is right now, Im angry at myself for not making my dad take better care of himself. Im not really sure what to do with these feelings. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[oilyducks]

I know how you feel, I too let my dad sign him self out and I took responsiblity for the nurses however he did have to go to back into the hospital the night i left for school and he too also died in my arms. It has only beemn 2 months(today actually) and i feel like that those images and sounds will never disapear. However I do find talking about it help, writing also helps. I started to see a counsler and it makes me feel like that is my special time to talk about him with someone who it doesnt make them feel akwkard and therefore i recommend talking to someone about it. Also he suggested i write, especially before i go to sleep because i have trouble sleeping and it does help. i think of it as emptying my thoughts out of my head and on paper, it makes you feel relieved. Hope this helps.

Hello; my Dad died July 29, 2006 and I just realized that I must have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Does anyone have any experience with it? My Dad was 90 years old and was diagnosed with Parkinson's and was in the hospital three times in a month before the end. He became aspriated and then he could no longer swallow. He was offered a feeding tube but he declined. He was offered hospice and died at home in my arms. My problem is the guilt I feel over bringing him home. I don't know if any of us (including my Dad) when we decided on hospice care that we knew that he would not get an IV for fluids and that definitively, he would die. We thought we would bring him home and nurse him back to heath. I was by his side for three days and knew that when I woke up on that 3rd day it would be the end. His eyes were wide open and he looked scared. At this point, he was no longer able to communicate with his eyes and the remainder of the day he was pretty much out of it. He died at 6:49 pm that evening. I guess I can take comfort in that I was there for him when noone else was and he knew that. My mom and brother could not handle it and there was noone else. It has been 5 monts now and all I can think of is those last days and feel devestated that he may not have known what was going on and that he was SCARED. How can I deal with this?

[oilyducks]

I feel like this all the time. my dad died from drinking and i often feel like it is my fault for not mmaking him stop sooner, for not going to the doctor with him sooner, for not taking better care of him. I am so angry, i am 19 and i feel that i still need my dad and i think that it is only far to have him here, my friends still have their dads why did mine have to go. Everyone says you should know it isnt ur fault and its not because in reality there isnt anything you could have done but it is hard to feel that way and to be honest i dont know how to stop it, i wish i did so i could share it with you.

Im having an awful day today. As soon as my alarm clock went off this morning, I knew that where I really wanted to spend my day, was in bed. I feel that as the saddness has subsided a little bit, I am now left with an enormous amount of anger. Im angry at my dad for not taking better care of himself, Im angry at him for leaving me, Im angry at god for the way my life is right now, Im angry at myself for not making my dad take better care of himself. Im not really sure what to do with these feelings. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[sylviac]

Dear OilyDucks-thank you for your words of advice. I feel better having written and I will try to find a counselor to help me too. It is just hard thinking of opening up to a total stranger. You apprear to be very strong and you were there when your Dad needed you the most. Your Dad was probably like mine. Ultimately, the last thing he wanted to do was cause you to feel pain on his account. But, he couldn\\\'t help causing you such pain and that was probably devestating to him. This I know of my Dad. And I know there were probably alot fo things he wished he could say but because of the diesease and illness, he couldn\\\'t. Ant that is probably the hardest part of all...the way he looked at me beseechingly. That makes me so mad and sad at the same time. However, we will get through this- we have to

[Guest Guest]

Dear Myfathermyhero i feel exaclty the way you are feeling right now i am so mad an angry for my life is been 3years since my dad passed my parent where divorced and i alway wanted for them to be togother again when things were geting better and i was getting more close to him he dies he had the westnile virus. i am mad to the fact that the doctor took 2 1/2 montsh to figured out what he had i could not even talk to him well i did but he was not able to respond back all those 3 months he was there he would have tears in his eyes and i could see that he was agrevated but not able to move or talk, it seem like he wanted to tell me something i have somany flash back and the more years passes by i feel worst i guess cause i am verly realising that he is gone. i feel bad cause all those 3 months were hell for him i used to go all the time and the doctos said he was getting better by missing one day i recieve a phone my step brother telling me he had a hearth attack i was not able to see him that day and it makes me so angry that when i got there the doctors were taking him away he was cover with a sheet and whent i unfolded the sheet i saw him and he was dead, i recently got married and i feel really bad to the fact that he was not there. yes i am angry for him not taking care of himself he had high blood pressure and diabetes also if he would be taking his medication and following everything the doctor had told him he would be stronger againts the westnile virus for thoses reason he was so weak and was not able to overcome it. my life is a mess right know i left a really good job that i had for 4 years do to try make alot more money to be able to help mom and sisters came out to be that the company that hired to lied to me about how they were paying they gave a two unsufficent checks and know i dont have ajob and i feel like a f loser i dont want wake up from bed every morning my dad was already proud for me working at a bank and i messed it up

[carla76]

There is a Christmas Party happening in the building where I work ~ am I the only person who wishes to climb into bed, fall into a deep deep sleep and awake long after these upcoming holidays pass ?? I found myself in tears a few times today, thinking of my pop being here with me ~ having invited him to this party so that he could drink and eat for free he would have loved it ....

[jc1030]

My dad died at the end of October. He had a stroke, never regained consciousness, and died 4 days later.

I wish I had the chance to see or talk to him one more time before the stroke happened. I hope that the times I spoke to him while at the hospital he could hear me. Although I saw him constantly during the weekends when I visited my parents, I last saw him a week and a half before his stroke. I wish I could've said to him more often when he was alive that although we had our differences that I always loved him, and that I should've never started certain conversations with him because of my own impatience.

I am slowly learning from this experience to not take anything in life for granted. As an only child, I worry so much about my mom now as she's not that young anymore.

I hope that what I feel right now is normal for an adult child going through the grieving process.

[kathleenplocinski]

Dear jc1030,

I am the youngest child of 6. My oldest sister is 23 years older then me. I was a "surprise" child. I grew up from 6th grade on as an only child, since my brothers and sisters were already married. My dad just died 1 month ago, and now my mom is alone. I know how you feel. My mom is 78 years old, and not in the best health. I am a teacher and I took the year off so I could care for my dad. I am lucky that I am able to spend more time with her. I still feel badly when I leave, because I worry what would happen if the power goes out, or if she fell in the house. I bought her a cell phone with everyones numers programed in. She is too stubborn to get a Life Alert bracelet. I am hoping in a year or so she will agree to sell her townhouse and live in a assisstive living complex. I don't pressure to sell her house right now because I believe a person can only take so much change in there life. When my dad died he lost all of his hearing and because he had a trache put in, he could hardly talk without coughing too much. I hope my dad knew how much I loved him. I feel badly that communicating was limited. I think you are right not to take anything in life for granted. I feel the same. ...Kathleen

[jc1030]

Dear jc1030,

I am the youngest child of 6. My oldest sister is 23 years older then me. I was a \"surprise\" child. I grew up from 6th grade on as an only child, since my brothers and sisters were already married. My dad just died 1 month ago, and now my mom is alone. I know how you feel. My mom is 78 years old, and not in the best health. I am a teacher and I took the year off so I could care for my dad. I am lucky that I am able to spend more time with her. I still feel badly when I leave, because I worry what would happen if the power goes out, or if she fell in the house. I bought her a cell phone with everyones numers programed in. She is too stubborn to get a Life Alert bracelet. I am hoping in a year or so she will agree to sell her townhouse and live in a assisstive living complex. I don\'t pressure to sell her house right now because I believe a person can only take so much change in there life. When my dad died he lost all of his hearing and because he had a trache put in, he could hardly talk without coughing too much. I hope my dad knew how much I loved him. I feel badly that communicating was limited. I think you are right not to take anything in life for granted. I feel the same. ...Kathleen

Hi Kathleen,

My mom's 72. She's in pretty good health, yet I now worry about her general well-being every day. I pray that nothing bad happens to her.

When I think of the things I took for granted, whenever I visited my parents, and I was leaving to return to my apartment, my dad always told me to take care of myself. Now that he's gone, I will promise him that I will take care of myself now. In the last 23 years of his life, he had to use a prosthetic as he had a leg amputated. You always knew when he was walking by the clicking sound the prosthetic made. Of course, since my dad's death that familiar sound is gone, and the silence is deafenning and more upsetting.

I know I will eventually find a way to cope with this better as the days go by. Still so hard though.

Jeff