Loss of a Father

[oilyducks]

Thanks!

oilyducks...here's another poem you might like.

Don't tell me that you understand

Don't tell me that you know,

Don't tell me that I will survive

Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test

That I am truly blessed

That I am chosen for this task

Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment

Of the bounds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer

And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But, I need you now,

I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care."

[mandndad]

Oilyducks -N- all other's grieving like me,

I lost my father in a head on collision, My mother survived however I am falling apart and to top it all off, The accident occurred 9-11-06. I can't seem to function and even go on with daily life. My father was 57 and the most amazing man that I ever knew. needless to say I am SOOOO sick of hearing I know how you feel.. NOBODY KNOWS and My OWN family doesn't even know. I just found this site tonight and actually this is the first time I have even wrote since 9-11. I have so much going on inside me and it just seems it just keeps getting worse in so many ways. It's almost much bigger than me. Almost too hard to even express the things going thru my head. The worst part is my dad was my everything and I feel sooo alone with my concerns and feelings I haven't really spoke to anyone about how I really feel. It's wierd, Money and greed do Crazy things to people and I feel like I am the crazy one. I know I was pretty vague but like I said I'm a first timer at all of this actually but I just feel anything would be better than nothing at this point. Thanks for listening and I hope that somehow this site will be a happy place for me for the first time in 64 days. Sincerely DEEPLY confused sad daughter who would give anything to just be able to process this and get some hope. Mandee ( I LOVE YOU DAD)

[Guest Guest]

Those poems are very good.

My friends all but abandoned me last year when I needed them, so I don't expect too much from that end and here is the only place I think I can find comfort. A support group might be an option-but even that is with people who didn't know my Dad. I don't know what to think any more.

Just put on the smile and try to treat others with kindness. I am starting to feel bitter and depressed. All the Christmas stuff is starting up again.

I do good just to get from day to day.

A good friend of my Dad's has end stage cancer and I want to go see him, because he visited Daddy-but I might fall apart-

Should I go or just seem him a card and say he's in my prayers?

Nothing is ever going to be the same. Just when I think I am going to stand tall and be brave and honor his memory-I have a memory of his last days and I crumble.

Most of my thoughts start with 'last year at this time, he .....' 'last year he was suffering so much and we couldn't really even talk to each other.

Yea, I'm pretty sure I was the light of his life and we were missing each other already.

Pray for me yall,

Cryingeyes

[oilyducks]

Mandee,

i dont think we are suppose to understand how we are feeling. This has never happened before and it is a new experience. Nobody understands and everyones sitution is different, some try to understand but no can because all the different emotions you have, all the thoughts in your head are jsut so overwhelming and too much too explain to anyone. My dad was my everything too, the other day i got in a fight with my roommate and i just broke down because i would normally call my dad afterwards and now he isnt there. Some how I guess we just have to try our best and help each other through this. My dad died on October 6th, 2006; its only been 40 days and it does feel like it just gets harder, isnt it suppose to be getting easier? But i guess it goes back to that old saying things have to get worse before they get better.

Oilyducks -N- all other's grieving like me,

I lost my father in a head on collision, My mother survived however I am falling apart and to top it all off, The accident occurred 9-11-06. I can't seem to function and even go on with daily life. My father was 57 and the most amazing man that I ever knew. needless to say I am SOOOO sick of hearing I know how you feel.. NOBODY KNOWS and My OWN family doesn't even know. I just found this site tonight and actually this is the first time I have even wrote since 9-11. I have so much going on inside me and it just seems it just keeps getting worse in so many ways. It's almost much bigger than me. Almost too hard to even express the things going thru my head. The worst part is my dad was my everything and I feel sooo alone with my concerns and feelings I haven't really spoke to anyone about how I really feel. It's wierd, Money and greed do Crazy things to people and I feel like I am the crazy one. I know I was pretty vague but like I said I'm a first timer at all of this actually but I just feel anything would be better than nothing at this point. Thanks for listening and I hope that somehow this site will be a happy place for me for the first time in 64 days. Sincerely DEEPLY confused sad daughter who would give anything to just be able to process this and get some hope. Mandee ( I LOVE YOU DAD)

[Guest Guest]

I lost my dad 3 months ago, he had heart failure at 55 years old, it was very sudden, no warning, just there in the morning, then nothing, no dad, no goodbye and i am still coming to terms with it, we had avery unique relationship, and whenever I needed him he was always at the end of the phone, now I feel alone and lost.

I went to counseling on tuesday,which helped just to talk, but I miss him terribly and I know my life will never be the same.

I am getting married in May and I\'m missing one of the main people involved in it, is anyone else in or been in my situation, i feel that noone understands.

[gingergrove]

My son turns 16 today and my father is not here to share it with us. I write a journal for my son, so when he is older, he'll remember things that might not stick in his own memory. I had not written in it for over a year. Last night I wrote him three pages about his grandfather, about the many wonderful things they shared, and how he should pass these things on to his children when he grows up so that his Pop-Pop is remembered and loved. Then, while I'm writing this, it hits me that my father won't be here Christmas morning when we open our gifts, and I don't think I can do it. I don't know how I'm going to sit there with my husband and my mother and watch my son open his gifts and know that there is this huge hole in all of our lives that we can't ignore. I realize I have to do this for my son, I just don't know how I'm going to pull it off. A friend told me that the "firsts" are the worst. First birthday, First Christmas, First Thanksgiving, First Father's Day. February will be the end of my "firsts". I look with anticipation to that day and hope that somehow, some of this grief will fade. I just don't know if it's possible.

[mariposa]

My father passed away sep 14th of this year. I went to a seminar on how to get through the holidays after losing a loved one. I went with my mom and sister last night. Since every single person there had lost someone and was trying to find a way to cope there was a feeling of understanding among everyone. I did find some comfort in that. They had read a poem that really stuck out in my mind and explains how I feel and I'm sure how many of you here feel. It's called....

The Elephant In The Room

There's an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with, "how are you?" and , "I'm fine"

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else- except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we walk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death,

Perhaps we can talk about his life?

Can I say his name to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me

Alone..

In a room..

With an elephant.

[angelcutz]

hello to everyone. I hope you and your families are well. Do you ever get angry? I do, to where I just want to throw a fit and scream. sometimes I just scream to myself. (like yesterday in the long hallway at work,no one was there) It's like something my 6 yr old does. I just feel like it's not fair! I already don't have any grandparents or my Mom. now my dad too? I am 26 and a single mother of 3 little ones. My Dad helped me so much, he was so funny and strong. now how do i go on? I love reading what you all write, it does help me a lot.I do feel alone until I read that you all are sad and going through it too. I cannot wait for this pain to begin to heal. It was just a month on the 14th. It hurts so Freakin bad, i feel that burning in my chest and cannot hold back. This morning while eating breakfast my 3yr old son said "Papa's" in his heart. we said a prayer.

I know what you mean (Mariposa) when you say you don't know where you belong on Thanksgiving. My brothers girlfriend wants him with her family. My dad and I do not care for their relationship because of some evil things she has done. he has spent the last 2 yrs with her family. i suggested he invite her to be with our family. My younger sister and brother from my dads ex wife want us to go to their families house. i won't be comfortable. i don't want to hurt their feelings though!! what do i do? It's crazy because whenever I'm confused lost, angry, happy, excited about anything I call my dad. I still see my dads # in my cell phone. I'm sure you al feel the same about needing to call him. man, when will it get a little easier?

[mariposa]

Angelcutz,

I know what you mean when you just want to scream!!! You feel like a little kid that just wants to scream your head off and let all those horrible feelings out of you. I always think about how I cant call my dad. I have his cell# in my cell phone and I just look at it thinking about how much I wish I could call him. I could still hear his voice everytime I'd call him. It's been 2 months since I lost my dad and I dont get it when people say it gets easier. How can it when most of the people in your life dont even acknowledge what youre going through? It's like we have to hold it in until we get to some kind of safe place like this website. It's sad but society doesnt really talk about this. It's done and over with...our loved one has died and were supposed to go on with life as if nothing happened. I resent that so much. I'm forced to be a robot at work, and with certain friends. People are too uncomfortable with talking about whats real in life and about what really matters.

[oilyducks]

I think that it seems to be getting worse then better...its been a little over a month and its getting worse. I feel like everyone now thinks that i should be moved on cause its been a year and i should just go on with my life. I want to scream a lot of the time but i dont. I live with 5 other girls and i know they all get so uncomfortable when i talk about it or even mention my dad, i also feel so empty when they all talk about thier dads. My dads phone numbers are still in my phone (all of them, his cell, house and hospital room number). I really get tempted to call him and sometimes i do dail his number just to hear it ring. i hope that this will eventually get easier.

[lizzy73]

Oilyducks -

I still have my father's cell phone number in my cell phone and it has been just over a year since he passed away. I think it is natural for us to hold on to something so we feel we aren't forgetting them. I felt that if I deleted it - while practical perhaps - felt cold to me.

[kellyoc]

It has been six months since my dad passed away. I erased his cell phone number about 3 or 4 months after my dad died. It was so hard to do. I felt like I was betraying him or even erasing him. I have a picture of my dad on the front screen of my phone. Every morning when my alarm goes off I look at it. I feel like when it is time to get a new phone it will be very very hard. I also have a video of my dad in my phone. My 14 year old sister was playing with my phone 2 months before my dad died and taped my dad. Sometimes I play it just so I can hear his voice.

Last night I was feeling very overwhelmed. I spoke to my sister about Thanksgiving and I hung up the phone and just felt like I did not even want to deal with Thanksgiving at all. I do feel angry at times. Most of all sadness, though. I was just so tired of feeling sadness and overwhelmed that I found myself laying in bed crying into my pillow. I guess that was a good thing because I have not been crying too much lately. Today was a better day.

I am so thankful to have this messag board and all of you to communicate with. I get home from work and check the board almost daily. It really helps. Hang in there everyone and thank you all for sharing!

Mariposa- I am glad that you benefited from the Holiday grief seminar that you went to! Kelly

[mvanessa1]

Hi, I haven't posted in a long time..I lost my dad 3 years ago. I am looking for more support on my grief. I had my uncle pass away lately, and it has opened up alot of feelings. Does anyone know of any chat rooms?

Thanks,

Monika

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Oilyducks -

I still have my father's cell phone number in my cell phone and it has been just over a year since he passed away. I think it is natural for us to hold on to something so we feel we aren't forgetting them. I felt that if I deleted it - while practical perhaps - felt cold to me.

I lost my dad 3 months ago very suddenly at 55 years old to heart failure and I still have his number in my phone, I just can't bring myself to erase it, I thought I was the only one who did this, I don't feel so bad that i'm not the only one!

Oilyducks I agree with you that things feel worse now, and it seems to be harder to cope now, I cry all the time, songs on the radio remind me of him, places I go.

I am dreading Christmas without him, don't know how I'll cope.

I am also getting married in May, which I know is going to be so hard, my younger brother is giving me away now (he is 24), has anyone else been in the same situation? By the time I get married he will have been gone 9 months by then,but I just can't imagine the day without him there

[mariposa]

Alwaysdaddysgirl,

Congrats on your upcoming wedding and I know it will be hard that day to go through that without your dad. Although I havent been married I have thought about when me and my boyfriend get married and how my dad wont be there. I've thought of having my uncle which is my godfather and my dad's brother give me away. I've thought of maybe while I'm saying my vows I can have a picture of my father in a frame close by. Maybe with a candle burning by it. I just know that when I do get married I want to include my father. He lives on in my heart and mind always.

Oilyducks -

I still have my father's cell phone number in my cell phone and it has been just over a year since he passed away. I think it is natural for us to hold on to something so we feel we aren't forgetting them. I felt that if I deleted it - while practical perhaps - felt cold to me.

I lost my dad 3 months ago very suddenly at 55 years old to heart failure and I still have his number in my phone, I just can't bring myself to erase it, I thought I was the only one who did this, I don't feel so bad that i'm not the only one!

Oilyducks I agree with you that things feel worse now, and it seems to be harder to cope now, I cry all the time, songs on the radio remind me of him, places I go.

I am dreading Christmas without him, don't know how I'll cope.

I am also getting married in May, which I know is going to be so hard, my younger brother is giving me away now (he is 24), has anyone else been in the same situation? By the time I get married he will have been gone 9 months by then,but I just can't imagine the day without him there

[stansbaby]

YES!!! I understand all too well!!! My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly June 7th this year while we were on vacation at the beach. He went for a jog (as he ran almost 5 days a week) and collapsed suddenly and died of sudden cardiac arrest. He was only 51!! That same day was a great day. He was on the beach with my brother throwing football and helping my brother's little girl find seashells. He was very athletic and we had no warning and no symptom or anything. It was like BOOM...dead...! And my mind still doesn't understand it because he was never sick. It doesn't make sense. If you want to see pics of my dad, I am working on a website for his memorial, but I am not quite done, but you can view the pics on it. You won't believe how young he looked. You can visit the site at http://stanley-henson.memory-of.com. You will see pic of me at the end from my wedding with him. He loved to fish so there are a lot of those pics. If you want to email me personally, please do I would love to talk to you. My email is Andrianna0215@hotmail.com.

I am so sorry for your loss and I do know what you are going through.

Your friend,

Andrea

I lost my dad 3 months ago, he had heart failure at 55 years old, it was very sudden, no warning, just there in the morning, then nothing, no dad, no goodbye and i am still coming to terms with it, we had avery unique relationship, and whenever I needed him he was always at the end of the phone, now I feel alone and lost.

I went to counseling on tuesday,which helped just to talk, but I miss him terribly and I know my life will never be the same.

I am getting married in May and I'm missing one of the main people involved in it, is anyone else in or been in my situation, i feel that noone understands.

[stansbaby]

I went with my mom to the hospice group holiday meeting on tuesday night. I am glad we went. At the end they did this candle memorial service and needed a volunteer to read something about lighting a candle, so I volunteered and pretty much cried my eyes out. I guess i thought i was reading it for my dad. I was kind of angry at first before the meeting started because i was looking around this strange room thinking, "i should not have to be sitting here!" I feel like my life is just tuned upside down since June 7th. I am glad for support groups and all, but it pisses me off that i have to be a part of them, you know what I mean? I mean my dad is soppose to be at home getting ready to go out of town with us for Thanksgiving as we do every year and then come home and he and mom start working on decorating their beautiful dream home they just had built 4 years ago. It just sucks to me and I really hate it.

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a fairly good day!

I went to a Grief and the Holidays seminar on Saturday. It was very helpful and I eally recommend going. I might even go to another one on Thursday night. I took some notes while I was there and thought I would share what I took away form the seminar.

The speaker talked about the importance of balance. She said we have to balance tears and laughter. She said that if we hold in our tears we will feel exhausted. If we laugh it will result in an increased energy level. She said we have to balance solitude and people. Do not isolate all the time but it is okay to tell people that you need space and take some time to be by yourself. She also talked abou the importance of traditions. She said to be guided by the reality that there's no right or wrong way to celebrate. Take the time you need to grieve eben on the holidays. She said to have a plan B for the holidays just in case plan A seems too overwhelming. If you choose to scrap plan A, give yourself permission to scale down. One more thing that I thought was really important: she said to journal. She suggested writing a letter to the deceased. This helps tell your story. It helps you realize that you are moving along in the grief process. When you journal always write the date and time so you can look back and see the progress. You may realize that you are not doing as bad as you think. I am sorry I am rambling on and on. I just thought you all might be able to take a little piece of this info. Have a nice night! Kelly

[mariposa]

Hi Andrea,

I know what you mean about being angry. I went to a holiday group too. We also had a candle light service. Everyone was passed the candle and we said our loved ones name. I broke down after I said my dad's name. It does make you angry because its like all of a sudden youre forced to have a new life. A life without your dad. I saw the memorial website you made for your dad. He was really hansom and young looking. Those pictures of you at your wedding are so nice. You look pretty. Well I wish everyone the best. All we can do is take it day by day and work through all the pain. There's no way around it and it's so heart wrenching. At the holiday seminar they said the pain is like a scar. In the beginning when it's fresh it hurts like hell but after the scar heals it's still there and you can look at it from time to time but it wont hurt as bad and you'll begin to find some hope. I dont know if that makes any sense to anyone. They also said that it might hurt to recall memories but in time we'll be glad we have those memories and in time we will think life is beautiful again.

[lynnny]

Today was a tough day. I started crying in the middle of Target. I was picking out a thanksgiving card for my mom and they had only one for a 'mom' All other were for parents. I just got really sad and thought, not this year, it's only mom now. Well that made me cry.

I hope everyone had a good day.

[mandndad]

Hello All especailly OILY DUCKS,

I am a little confused on how thos thing works. I just know that I needed something like this. I have 2 children and so many things in my head that I just feel that I stumpled accrossed this site in the perfect time.

you see my parents were headed to Fl. To pick him up to come back and start his life. On 75 S. there were 2 17 year old girls in the car and had a firestone tire on the driver side rear. Howerver the tread came off the tire and not knowing what to do she pulled over to the left which in turn sent them spinning out of control into my parents. I lost my whole family that sept 11th day. I feel so alone and that I have nobody. My mother and brother took off back to Fl. and left this All on me and my sister but are't stopping at that, They are defying EVERYTHING my Father stood for.

I just was hoping someone could guide me in the right direction I have a home and now am making TWO payments on these homes. It may sound stupid but I can't make decisions, the simplest little things are even hard. If you or anyone have any advice and also how to work this site would be appreciatted MORE than anyone would know. Ther is so much I just don't want to make anyone feel any worse than they already do. Thanks again for your response and look forward to startin a friendship at the very least. Sincerely, Mandee

[mariposa]

Lnny,

I had a horrible day yesterday. I was sad all day at work trying to hold the tears in so when I made it home all I could do was cry and cry. I kept thinking "I'm too young to be without my dad. I still need him" I was holding a picture of him with me and my boyfriend when he was in the hospital. I cried hysterically until I was exhausted and ended up falling asleep.

Today was a tough day. I started crying in the middle of Target. I was picking out a thanksgiving card for my mom and they had only one for a 'mom' All other were for parents. I just got really sad and thought, not this year, it's only mom now. Well that made me cry.

I hope everyone had a good day.

[mishknit]

I was looking at this site for a place for my son to post. he's 14, and noone ever posts on the teen page..maybe he will, maybe not. The main reason i wanted to post was because i am a wedding coordinator ( been a little hard since my husband died 9 months ago)..but i noticed some wedding talk, and just wanted to say that, as hard as it is, you will get thru it, and i thought i'd pass along a few ideas.

First, many brides are having their mothers walk them down the aisle, it is a great honor for mom, and something that i notice is really special for the two of them. Certainly having a brother or uncle is good too. Another thing that has been happening a lot is that th bride walks down alone..1/2 way, and the groom comes to meet her. Then, instead of asking :"who gives this woman", the officiant just asks for a parental blessing..from the mom, and sometimes from the mom in memory of the dad. Many people have candles, even a picture of their dad on the alter (if it's a church wedding) or tabale if it;'s not.

it is incredibly hard...i have held many a brides hand as she decided what to do...but whatever they have decided, even though not perfect, it has been lovely and a wonderful memory for them. My personal vote is always to have either mom do it, or have the groom meet you half way....no one can replace your dad, but your mom comes closest to it (speaking as a mom!)

Anyway..i just thought i'd throw that out..maybe it will help someone.

michele

[mandndad]

Angelcutz, Oilyducks, And EVERYONE ON THIS SITE,

I am unclear how you all lost your fathers, I just know that reading this site really reiterates that I am not alone the way I feel MOST the time on my feelings. I woke up this morning dreaming about my dad, It was a Bad dream I have had a few but this one ruined my whole day. My father was in a suit just like the one he wore at his funeral. I was fist fighting with my 19 year old brother's fiance and then somehow my dad showed up and I started crying and punching him (knowin in my dream that he was gone) asking why he had to go why is the family falling apart and please come home we need you daddy and I know that you would be the one to fix all this caos. I was woke up by my husband rubbin my back and in my dream my dad was just huggin me and tellin me that it will be okay that he didn't leave me and he never will. I AS WELL CALL MY DAD ALMOST ON A DAILY BASIS. Of course it says "NO LONGER IN SERVICE" (It was a company phone) Does anyone ever get angry? I felt soo horrible when I woke up and realized I was beating my dads chest. I feel that maybe it has to do with the anger of all the unfinished things and of course the holidays, My dad was the holidays for my children and myself. He was the best dad grandfather friend mentor employee and not only did we loose him my mom who survived moved away to Fl. With my brother leaving me and my sister to deal with all the issue's with my fathers home and EVERYTHING basically. it's been 66 days and it still feels like I cannot take a deep breath I feel literally like I can't breath.

Friends and family that said they would always be there have dissappeared except when they need something from me (Monetarily) of course. I am just very confused and relate to you all in so many different ways.I need something cause I sware my life has stopped and it feels as though Im just existing and not doing anything but NOTHING! If that makes sense. I don't know how without him. I cannot face these holidays with my children without grandpa. I greatly admire all of you for just listening and having an open mind to all of us grieving people that have so much in common but are so unique in our own ways.

Thanks to you all for your time to listen and any input that is put forth to all of our causes. God bless ALL of you and I am also a very good listener.

Sincerely, Mandee. This is what I have to look forward too at the end of the day. You guys who understand me. THANKS AGAIN!!!!

[oilyducks]

I do think the best thing for all of is to be able to have a place like this to talk about our grieving and the bad days. I know that my friends get uncomfortable when i talk about my dad or when he was sick (my dad died from liver diease) but to me its important to talk about it, even the times when he was sic because its all i think about. it is very hard to write papers or do my homework because i just cant focus on anything else. Everyone is now talking about going home for thanksgiving, I am excited to be going home (i havent been home since my dads funeral, a little over a month) but i just keep thinking when i go home that my dad will be there and yet i know he wont. I love christmas and i hate that this one is going to be so different. Christmas is suppose to be a happy time and i feel like it wont be at all. I luckily or maybe not so lucky havent dreamed about my dad...I was also filling out a survey tonight and one of the questions was when was the last time you saw your dad? and i just froze and didnt know what to say, it seems like everyone else has a normal response to that question. Im just wishing i could turn back the hands of time even though it is impossible.

Thanks!

[Guest Guest]

I work midnights so this is at the end of my shift and I, too come here to be with those of you that understand.

I don't know if I am overly sensitive or not, but as the holidays approach it seems like everyone is talking about family and I never noticed them mentioning there Dads as much as they do these days. I don't begrudge them for it, maybe me losing mine has made them appreciate theirs more-does that make any sense?

I am remembering all of the sad, painful memories as well as some good ones mixed in. In my head I hear what he would be saying to me like when he was alive before he was so ravished with the cancer. Just the every day things we talked about. Because he was a talker a good listener, too. But I miss the sound of his voice so much, it hurts.

I never gave him grandchildren. I feel guilty about that. Don't get me wrong, I used to ask him from time to time if wished I had had a couple and he always said , no. He never made me feel guilty about it. For those of you that have your kids, can you see your fathers in them? My best friend says my godson is just like her father was in alot of ways. That is special.

Nor did I marry. Even so, he was proud of me. And I just know that everybody here-yours was extremely proud of you to.

This might not ease anyones pain, but there are so many people out there that never knew or will never know what kind of love we all shared with our Dads. And on Thanksgiving I have beyond words-so much to be thankful for. Not the least is this message board.

Thank you for listening,

Reg

[Guest Guest]

Sorry for the wrong word I meant to say ravaged. I HATE CANCER!!!!!

[lynnny]

I don't share this with my friends because the one I did laughed at me.

Today is 7 weeks since my dad passed away to the day. I have to believe in a higher power. My dad was in the hospital for a week on hospice for his cancer and he held out until 8/27 at 10:10am and then passed away. Call it a coincidence but I think it is a higher power.

His dad passed on 8/27 the year 1991

His mom passed in 2002 at 10:10 pm

I just tell myself that he was waiting for them to meet him at the gates. I know it sounds silly but it really does make me smile.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to pick the phone up and say "how's daddy" but I know I can't.

How are your mom's doing?

My mom is being strong but yesterday she cried on the phone for awhile over some things and I was thankful because she is mourning. I was not sure if she was doing ok. She, like us all, are very scared about the holidays.

I live in the south and she is in NY so thankfully we will all be together this year to celebrate christmas and remember my dad.

As always, thanks for listening and I hope you guys have a good Sunday.

Lynn

[lynnny]

Today is 11 weeks not 7...from previous..

[oilyducks]

everyone always asked me how is my mom doing? and i really dont know what to say...my parents got divorced in 2003 and i just felt that she disliked like him so much it didnt matter. it wasnt till he was really sick that she went to visit him in the hospital. she was upset and cried at the funeral and i understand that she could be upset but i just never know what to say

[mandndad]

man do I know that feeling. Since my father passed My mom has moved to FL. The state that claimed my fathers life. Well actually I don't even feel right saying that cause my dad loved her ALWAYS even when she didn't always love him or stand by him.

It has been difficult to say the least and given the person my father was I feel bad feeling the way I do about the way my mom has been since he passed.

I don't know what to say either when people ask about her.

go with your heart and what your dad would want or SIMPLY WHAT MAKES U FEEL BEST, OR EVEN A LITTLE BETTER!!! It's your Grieve NOT ANYONE ELSE'S DON"T HAVE REGRETS WITH THE WAY U GRIEVE for the sake of someone elses feelings.

[oilyducks]

that is really good advice, it shouldnt worry so much about other people's feelings when i am grieving for MY father. I never really looked at it in that perspective, thanks! I also understand my dad always continued to love my mom even though she clearly did not and i know it hurt him but he still would never say anything bad about her.

one quesition i have, do any of you get distract when trying to focus on something...everytime i sit down to do paper(like i am doing now) all i can think about is my dad and what happened.

man do I know that feeling. Since my father passed My mom has moved to FL. The state that claimed my fathers life. Well actually I don't even feel right saying that cause my dad loved her ALWAYS even when she didn't always love him or stand by him.

It has been difficult to say the least and given the person my father was I feel bad feeling the way I do about the way my mom has been since he passed.

I don't know what to say either when people ask about her.

go with your heart and what your dad would want or SIMPLY WHAT MAKES U FEEL BEST, OR EVEN A LITTLE BETTER!!! It's your Grieve NOT ANYONE ELSE'S DON"T HAVE REGRETS WITH THE WAY U GRIEVE for the sake of someone elses feelings.

[lynnny]

I am distracted all the time when I go to do anything or nothing at all.....I was driving in the car today and just wanted to hear my dad's voice. I went to the book store but could not even concentrate on anything b/c of all the holiday stuff, I left.....

My therapist gave me this quote and I love it

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss

[kellyoc]

I find myself getting distracted all the time. I also find myself very forgetful lately. I was reading a grief book yesterday and it states that forgetfulness is very common in a grieving person. It also says that it is noormal for us to be easily distracted and hard to concentrate. That being sadi, it can be very frustrating! It can also be a little bit funny when I look back at some of the mistakes I have made lately. I was taking attendence and I marked two students absent on January 15, instead of NOvember 15. My secretary did not think that was funny,as she had to use yellow white out to fix this important document. I was embarassed but looking back it gives me something to laugh about! Kelly

[kellyoc]

Lynny,

I just came across that exact Dr. Suess quote this week. I love it! Kelly

[Guest Guest]

I certainly relate to how you are feeling and want to share my feelings. I am losing my dad to cancer. I am so hurt,lost and depressed. I will miss him so much. We are close and I've prayed to God to heal him. He is in the nursing home now and has been neglected & abused emotionally by the nurses and staff.They have made him cry and let me tell you how bad that hurts. I do not want to live without my dad. I need some friends that understand and I understand grief and what you are going through, please write me and maybe we can be support for one another.

Tina

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

Hi andrea

I am so sorry to hear about the way you lost your dad,life is so unfair, its always the good ones that go!!!Thanks for your kind words I will look at the website in a little while.

I don't know if you feel the same but I just find its getting harder at the moment, I suppose its because its My birthday on 8th dec, its Christmas, and new year is going to be awful, they've always been times where we spend time together as a family, then the wedding is drawing nearer.

If you don't mind me asking how old are you and your brother?

I'm 27 and my brother is 24, he saw my dad die, he's finding it really hard.

How is your mum coping?

My mum is ill herself and is on the waiting list for a lung transplant, she's not doing too bad.

My parents ran a family business from home, which my brother is part owner in, which is why he saw my dad die. My brother, my dad and a client were in a meeting, and my brother said he went a funny colour, then just fell asleep, by the time the ambulance arrived it was too late, they said he died almost instantly. My brother called me and told me to get home and when we arrived at the hospital they came in and told us, I shouted at them, my mum denied it and said he was just sleeping, she said "he wouldn't leave me, I need him"

I was awful, its been just over 3 months now and I still can't get my head round it, I spoke to him on the phone an hour before he died and he seemed fine.

Life's so cruel, how can they take someone who is needed so much and loved so much

alwaysdaddysgirl

My email is chellmuchmore@yahoo.co.uk

YES!!! I understand all too well!!! My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly June 7th this year while we were on vacation at the beach. He went for a jog (as he ran almost 5 days a week) and collapsed suddenly and died of sudden cardiac arrest. He was only 51!! That same day was a great day. He was on the beach with my brother throwing football and helping my brother's little girl find seashells. He was very athletic and we had no warning and no symptom or anything. It was like BOOM...dead...! And my mind still doesn't understand it because he was never sick. It doesn't make sense. If you want to see pics of my dad, I am working on a website for his memorial, but I am not quite done, but you can view the pics on it. You won't believe how young he looked. You can visit the site at http://stanley-henson.memory-of.com. You will see pic of me at the end from my wedding with him. He loved to fish so there are a lot of those pics. If you want to email me personally, please do I would love to talk to you. My email is Andrianna0215@hotmail.com.

I am so sorry for your loss and I do know what you are going through.

Your friend,

Andrea

I lost my dad 3 months ago, he had heart failure at 55 years old, it was very sudden, no warning, just there in the morning, then nothing, no dad, no goodbye and i am still coming to terms with it, we had avery unique relationship, and whenever I needed him he was always at the end of the phone, now I feel alone and lost.

I went to counseling on tuesday,which helped just to talk, but I miss him terribly and I know my life will never be the same.

I am getting married in May and I'm missing one of the main people involved in it, is anyone else in or been in my situation, i feel that noone understands.

[mariposa]

Tina,

I lost my dad to cancer. He spent his last days in hospice and died Sep 14th of this year. I understand all to well what youre going through. I'm so sorry. About the staff have you said anything to them? My mom used to be at the hospital and hospice every day. She did run into a staff member that didnt treat my dad good. In one incident it was a male nurse that neglected to help my father with something. He told my dad "do it yourself" knowing that my dad could not, he told him that!! My mom wasnt there at the time. So when she arrived my dad told her what happened. She walked up to the nurse at the nurses station and told that nurse. "youre lucky youre not a girl cuz I would of kicked your *** already!!! Needless to say he did his job and never mistreated my dad again. Also at the hospice I had a problem with a nurse who to me and other family members appeared rude and heartless. I spoke to someone about it. You have a right to say something. My family always made sure someone was there with my dad to ensure that he was always treated well.

I dont want to live without my dad either. It's so very hard!! I'm 30 and my dad died at 52. He was too young to die and I'm too young to be without my dad. I need him and I cry for him everyday. I come to work and feel like a robot holding in my tears til I get home. It's so unfair!! I'm so glad for this place. It's the only place I can really talk about how I feel.

I certainly relate to how you are feeling and want to share my feelings. I am losing my dad to cancer. I am so hurt,lost and depressed. I will miss him so much. We are close and I've prayed to God to heal him. He is in the nursing home now and has been neglected & abused emotionally by the nurses and staff.They have made him cry and let me tell you how bad that hurts. I do not want to live without my dad. I need some friends that understand and I understand grief and what you are going through, please write me and maybe we can be support for one another.

Tina

[lynnny]

a poem i came across today that i thought i would share.

There will come a day

when your tears of sorrow

will softly flow into tears of remembrance...

and your heart will begin to heal itself...

and grieving will be interrupted by episodes of joy...

and you will hear the whisper of hope.

There will come a day

when you will welcome the tears of remembrance...

as a sunshower of the soul...

a turning of the tide...

a promise of peace.

There will come a day when you will...

risk loving...

go on believing...

and treasure the tears of remembering.

[gingergrove]

I can really relate to this. People always ask me about my mother, and to me, she doesn't seem to be doing too bad. She rarely talks about my father, and she told me the other day that this might be the most content she's ever been in her life. I don't think she realized what she said until she saw the look on my face. I love her, I don't want anything to happen to her, but I don't particularly like her. She's always been jealous of my relationship with my father, and she has always been pushy and controlling with him, and I often feel like she ruined his life. My father was married before he met my mother, and she never let him see his other children, and because of that, I never got to meet them either. When he first passed, I tried really hard to be nice, to comfort her. Now I can't stand to be in the same room with her. It's like I can't forgive her for the way she treated my father. I know he wouldn't want me to feel this way, but it seems to get stronger every day.

everyone always asked me how is my mom doing? and i really dont know what to say...my parents got divorced in 2003 and i just felt that she disliked like him so much it didnt matter. it wasnt till he was really sick that she went to visit him in the hospital. she was upset and cried at the funeral and i understand that she could be upset but i just never know what to say

[stansbaby]

To all who lost their fathers in 2006:

I was just thinking about how hard the new year was going to be, because I feel like I am leaving my dad behind in 2006, and I want to be able and pull him with me into the year 2007. I just feel like I am leaving him there, you know? Does that sound weird? I mean, I know I take his spirit with me always, but his physical presence, the man I adored so much, was lost in 2006. I just wondered if you all have thought of it like that.

[mariposa]

Yes I feel like I'm leaving my dad behind especially with the holidays and his birthday in early Jan. I almost feel like I'm betraying him. I dont know if that makes sense but I guess it's because were forced to go on living and a big part of you doesnt want to go on while another part of you knows you have to. The closer we get to the holidays the more I dread it!

To all who lost their fathers in 2006:

I was just thinking about how hard the new year was going to be, because I feel like I am leaving my dad behind in 2006, and I want to be able and pull him with me into the year 2007. I just feel like I am leaving him there, you know? Does that sound weird? I mean, I know I take his spirit with me always, but his physical presence, the man I adored so much, was lost in 2006. I just wondered if you all have thought of it like that.

[kellyoc]

Mariposa and Andrea

My mom and I were just talking about how hard the new year will be. It might even be worse than Christmas in some ways as we are moving on into 2007 and our dads are not. Our dads existed, were alive in 2006 but they were never alive in 2007. It is so difficult to even think about. I do feel like I am moving on without my dad (although there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him and feel sad). I also feel like I am betraying him. I know exactly how you are feeling. It is so hard as time goes on even if we don't necessarily want it to without our dads. Kelly

[kellyoc]

Tina

My dad also died from complications from cancer. It was such a horrific way to die. I always think about the events that led up to his death and feel so bad for my dad. He was always the strong one, the caretaker. He spent his whole life making sure that my mom, myself, and my brothers and sisters were taken care of. The last few weeks he was so vunerable and he was forced to rely on everyone else. I just can't even imagine how it was for him in the end, knowing that he was going to die. He had such a desire to live. It breaks my heart just to think about it. We had my dad at home with us. He was under hospice care but they came to the house and we really were the ones that took care of him. It was so difficult but my dad wanted to die at home and we wanted him to be with us. I miss him so so much. I really know what your gong through. It is so tough! Hang in there! Kelly

I certainly relate to how you are feeling and want to share my feelings. I am losing my dad to cancer. I am so hurt,lost and depressed. I will miss him so much. We are close and I've prayed to God to heal him. He is in the nursing home now and has been neglected & abused emotionally by the nurses and staff.They have made him cry and let me tell you how bad that hurts. I do not want to live without my dad. I need some friends that understand and I understand grief and what you are going through, please write me and maybe we can be support for one another.

Tina

[lynnny]

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I know for all of us it will be a sad one. Hopefully with lots of rememberance of our loved ones that have passed. I know my dad will be in my thoughts like every other day but it's just weird not having him. I also know I do still have alot to be thankful for but it's hard to think of those this holiday.

[Guest Guest]

i just happened to find this website ~ i am at work dreading going home in the "holiday traffic" .. i lost my father in april of this year .. i still cannot believe that it happened ~

i just wanted to say thank you to you all who wrote and shared your feelings ... for the first time in a long time i didn't feel alone ...

the dr. suess quote is so very true ...

thank you all again ... happy thanksgiving ....

[mindy10]

Hi Everyone, Im having a real bad night and I think its because Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I come here because you all know how I feel. My husband has no clue on how to comfort me. I lost my dad to colon cancer back in June and tonight Im hysterical thinking about it. I have not been this hysterical since he died. Im thinking of all the memories of him laughing across the room and remembering how I thought im not going to see this in a few months so take it all in when you can. I remember holding his hand and singing to him and thinking I wont be able to do this in a few months and at the moment it didnt hit me but tonight I has hit me and I just want to be able to hold his hand once again and sing to him. I really hate this cancer thing and what it did to our family and my dad. All those months watching him deterioate and knowing he was dying is just something no family should have to go through. Like I said I think its hitting me because of tommorow. I hope everyone has a Great Thanksgiving. Mindy

[myfathermyhero]

I haven't posted on this sight in a month or two, I have been so busy with work and classes, that I haven't had the time. I needed to come on today, because I have been having a really hard time lately and I feel like I have no where else to go with all of these feelings. On December 15th it will be a year since my dad passed away, and I feel more alone and empty now than I did right after he died. I can't beleive that I have actually lived a whole year with out my dad. It seems so unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like it just happened, and other times I feel like its been much longer than it has been. I try talking to my friends about my feelings, but I feel like they get annoyed by it. I feel like they think I should be 'over it' by now. I can't quite comprehend how anyone could think that this is the sort of thing a person ever really gets over. I wish people understood that it is a daily struggle. That I have to force my self to get out of bed sometimes. Everyone thinks I am so strong because I'm able to keep it all together until I'm alone. Every night I cry myself to sleep and pray to god that eventually this pain will go away.

One of the things that make me the most mad, is when people say to me that they would never be able to deal with it if their father died. That they didn't think I'd be able to deal with it as well as I am dealing with it. I don't think they realize it, but its an incredibly ignorant and insensitive thing to say to some one. I deal with it because I have no other choice, and they would do the same thing if it happened to them. I didn't choose this for my life, if I had my way my dad would still be here. But I didn't have a choice and I can't stop living because of this. I just wish that I had more people around me that understood what i am going through. I just rambled on about nothing in particular, but it always feels good to get these things out. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving.

Until next time.

Christine

[carla76]

you managed to take the words right out of my mouth ~ i lost my father in april of this year .. my father was my biggest fan and i was his ... i still am ... some days are so much harder than others ~ i know what its like to not even want to get out of bed because the sorrow is so heavy ~ other days i dont feel so bad ... its become pointless for me to mention my pain anymore to my friends... i dont know if they have found it to be annoying or if they have just "backed off" since they dont know what to say .... none of my friends have experienced a major loss... none of them seem to have had the same kind of relationship with their father like i had with mine ... i have just learned not to mention it to them anymore ... one of my friends actually told me last week i should be ashamed of using my father's death as a plea for attention ... i was speechless ... as everyone has come to tell me .. everything happens for a reason and maybe this was "god's" way of telling me to "clean out" my relationships, that i need to be true to myself ... i just cant help but feel truely disappointed with life right now though ~

dont get me wrong, i am thankful for my mother and brother and sister in law and nephews ... i just would give anything in this world to have my life back to where it was a year ago ~ to have my father here with me .. to hear his voice again ... to hear him laugh ... my god ... i'd give the world .....

[mariposa]

Christine,

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad this year in Sep. I experienced people saying insensitive and ignorant things too. Two of my friends had said the same thing after my dad passed away. They said "I would go crazy if my dad died" I was thinking HELLO?? Who in the heck says that to someone that just lost their dad? I mean seriously. I would never think to say something like that. I get upset when I think about it and I hardly talk to those friends now. I basically avoid them. I see that out of all the people around me they are the least ones to understand anything about what I'm going through.

I haven't posted on this sight in a month or two, I have been so busy with work and classes, that I haven't had the time. I needed to come on today, because I have been having a really hard time lately and I feel like I have no where else to go with all of these feelings. On December 15th it will be a year since my dad passed away, and I feel more alone and empty now than I did right after he died. I can't beleive that I have actually lived a whole year with out my dad. It seems so unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like it just happened, and other times I feel like its been much longer than it has been. I try talking to my friends about my feelings, but I feel like they get annoyed by it. I feel like they think I should be 'over it' by now. I can't quite comprehend how anyone could think that this is the sort of thing a person ever really gets over. I wish people understood that it is a daily struggle. That I have to force my self to get out of bed sometimes. Everyone thinks I am so strong because I'm able to keep it all together until I'm alone. Every night I cry myself to sleep and pray to god that eventually this pain will go away.

One of the things that make me the most mad, is when people say to me that they would never be able to deal with it if their father died. That they didn't think I'd be able to deal with it as well as I am dealing with it. I don't think they realize it, but its an incredibly ignorant and insensitive thing to say to some one. I deal with it because I have no other choice, and they would do the same thing if it happened to them. I didn't choose this for my life, if I had my way my dad would still be here. But I didn't have a choice and I can't stop living because of this. I just wish that I had more people around me that understood what i am going through. I just rambled on about nothing in particular, but it always feels good to get these things out. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving.

Until next time.

Christine

[oilyducks]

I know excatly how you feel. My friends say that to me all the time and i just always try to argue back with them that it not that you can do it, its that you have to. I dont want to do it, and just because i dont show them how i feel all the time (because they get uncomfortable), doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. It makes me so bad when they say that.

I haven't posted on this sight in a month or two, I have been so busy with work and classes, that I haven't had the time. I needed to come on today, because I have been having a really hard time lately and I feel like I have no where else to go with all of these feelings. On December 15th it will be a year since my dad passed away, and I feel more alone and empty now than I did right after he died. I can't beleive that I have actually lived a whole year with out my dad. It seems so unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like it just happened, and other times I feel like its been much longer than it has been. I try talking to my friends about my feelings, but I feel like they get annoyed by it. I feel like they think I should be 'over it' by now. I can't quite comprehend how anyone could think that this is the sort of thing a person ever really gets over. I wish people understood that it is a daily struggle. That I have to force my self to get out of bed sometimes. Everyone thinks I am so strong because I'm able to keep it all together until I'm alone. Every night I cry myself to sleep and pray to god that eventually this pain will go away.

One of the things that make me the most mad, is when people say to me that they would never be able to deal with it if their father died. That they didn't think I'd be able to deal with it as well as I am dealing with it. I don't think they realize it, but its an incredibly ignorant and insensitive thing to say to some one. I deal with it because I have no other choice, and they would do the same thing if it happened to them. I didn't choose this for my life, if I had my way my dad would still be here. But I didn't have a choice and I can't stop living because of this. I just wish that I had more people around me that understood what i am going through. I just rambled on about nothing in particular, but it always feels good to get these things out. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving.

Until next time.

Christine