Loss of a Father

[lynnny]

Does anyone know of a website or place I could find where they do support groups that meet weekly? I live in Georgia. I understand when everyone says it's hard to talk to friends because they really don't know what you are going through.

I am thankful a close friend of mine can relate. Thankful only because of that not because she had a lose of a parent.

Christmas is coming and my mom has made a huge step. She is going to travel to Fl. to be with all of the family. She really has come out of her comfort zone.

I am a good listener if anyone needs to talk. I know its hard to express your feeling to friends who don't understand. Feel free to email....

[kellyoc]

I was also looking for a support group. I live in Baltimore and have been unsuccessful locating one. It surprises me that there are so few. I was told to check with the local hospices as they often have support groups. You may want to try that in Georgia? The hospice groups near me told me that they do not really have one that would fit my needs. The groups they have that are for loss of a parent are made up of an older group of people whose parents were much older when they pased away... Good luck! I hope you find a group in your area. If you find an online group, please let me know! Have a wonderful day! Kelly

[stansbaby]

I am actually going to start a group support group for people who lost their parents the week after Thanksgiving. It is with the hospice. I started not to do it because I knew I would probably be the youngest one in there ( I am 27), but the lady said I might gain something from it. I mean, it is free, and it can't hurt. They also offer one on one with a counselor and there is someone who is soppose to call me back to schedule that to start. I have never been one to go to a counselor for anything, so I am kind of nervous about that. But, I figured, just try and if I don't like it, I don't have to go. Besides, in the group meetings, I may be the youngest one, but those other people hurt too. I fear I might have some resenment when I am in there because I might feel like their parents got to live a lot longer than mine, but I am going to try and go with an open mind. Maybe try the hospice anyways just to see. Once I start mine, I will let you know how that is going. Talk to you later.

-Andrea

I was also looking for a support group. I live in Baltimore and have been unsuccessful locating one. It surprises me that there are so few. I was told to check with the local hospices as they often have support groups. You may want to try that in Georgia? The hospice groups near me told me that they do not really have one that would fit my needs. The groups they have that are for loss of a parent are made up of an older group of people whose parents were much older when they pased away... Good luck! I hope you find a group in your area. If you find an online group, please let me know! Have a wonderful day! Kelly

[stansbaby]

I soooooo know what you mean. When I see my dads name on the tombstone it honestly still doesn't register with me. I keep saying to myself, "What in the hell just happened here". I get so confused, you know. When I see pictures of my dad it makes me feel like my chest is going to cave in because I am so overwhelmed with the confusion of him really being DEAD??? That word "DEAD" is a very hard word to say, and it is a very hard word to associate my dad with. I think about my dad every day ALL the time. People don't realize that when I am at work, working on something, i may look occupied with my job, but my mind is still going a thousand miles a minute thinking about him. I have not felt normal since he died and it seems like life has been this one big nightmare since June 7th. I know what you mean!

It really is just so hard to believe that my dad is actually dead. Ofcourse I realize that he died but everyday I seem to say to myself "I can't believe dad is dead." It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that he is not coming back. No one really understands how it feels, unless they have been in our shoes and lost a parent. I find that friends are actually surprised to know that I think of my dad and th events leading up to his death on a daily basis. This is a great place to come as everyone here can relate to one another.

Guest~ you are not alone...hang in there! Kelly

[kellyoc]

Andrea

I know... I think of my dad ALL the time also! I read your post about the support groups and thank you for writing. After I read it, I searched the web for a group in my area. I did not have much luck online, however, I called the American Cancer Society and they were able to give me a whole list of phone numbers of support groups. I am going to try one or two out and see how it is. I also found out that some centers offer holiday workshops. I am going to a "Grief and the Holidays" seminar on Saturday. It is being presented by a bereavement expert and author. I will let you know what I learn. I know the holidays will be difficult, so I might as well try this seminar! Thanks for your support! Kelly

[lynnny]

Thanks everyone for the options. I am going to get in touch with the hospice care that we had for my dad. See if they have anything in Georgia. It is weird that there is nothing online. My dad was 66 and I am 33 and I too feel like he had a lifetime left to live. The holidays will be hard. I will let everyone one what I find out. Thanks

Andrea

I know... I think of my dad ALL the time also! I read your post about the support groups and thank you for writing. After I read it, I searched the web for a group in my area. I did not have much luck online, however, I called the American Cancer Society and they were able to give me a whole list of phone numbers of support groups. I am going to try one or two out and see how it is. I also found out that some centers offer holiday workshops. I am going to a "Grief and the Holidays" seminar on Saturday. It is being presented by a bereavement expert and author. I will let you know what I learn. I know the holidays will be difficult, so I might as well try this seminar! Thanks for your support! Kelly

[lynnny]

I just spoke with a women at the NY hospice that helped us with my dad. She gave me a 1-800-331-1620 phone number. They are open from 9-4:30 EST. She said that all you have to do is give them you zip code and tell them what kind of beareavement support group you are looking for and they can help you out in your area. I don't know why I did not think to call hospice. Thanks everyone. I will let you know tomorrow what I find out. I also asked about my mom and they are calling her to invite her to the holiday get together that is next week. Again thanks everyone.

[mariposa]

The hospice that my dad passed away in provides support groups for grieving but for some reason I cant bring myself to call and join a group. I guess it's because the group I want to go to is being held at the hospice and I cant bear to go back there.

[mariposa]

I'm tired of people giving advice when they dont even know what it's like to watch your father die slowly of cancer. I'm tired of trying to act like nothing is wrong. Getting up everyday and going to work and hiding how I really feel. I feel so tired and emotionally drained. It's so hard because life goes on and I still have to pay my bills. I just stuff away these emotions until I get to a safe haven like my home and this message board. I'm so depressed. I get up everyday feeling hopeless. I feel like whats the use of getting up everyday and getting ready and working when all I want to do is be left alone. The days run into eachother and a lot of the time I feel like a robot just going through the motions.

[lynnny]

Mariposa-Everything you have said is so true. I feel like I am reading my own thoughts. I am so thankful for finding this group as well. If you want to email me personally, please do. I don't know how I do it everyday but I know when it comes to bedtime, I have so much trouble falling asleep.

I'm tired of people giving advice when they dont even know what it's like to watch your father die slowly of cancer. I'm tired of trying to act like nothing is wrong. Getting up everyday and going to work and hiding how I really feel. I feel so tired and emotionally drained. It's so hard because life goes on and I still have to pay my bills. I just stuff away these emotions until I get to a safe haven like my home and this message board. I'm so depressed. I get up everyday feeling hopeless. I feel like whats the use of getting up everyday and getting ready and working when all I want to do is be left alone. The days run into eachother and a lot of the time I feel like a robot just going through the motions.

[oilyducks]

It is a really hard thing to accept and the fact that he is gone... it is so unbelieveable...you just keep thinking that he will call but it doesnt happen and it wont and i almost feel like that is the hardest thing to get over taht there will be no more phone calls....

Also about thinking about it everyday...its like how can you not...my father was such a big part of my life...he was my best friend and now he is just gone...yeah its been a month but how are you suppose to just stop thinking abouot someone...all the people that are close to you...you always think about while they are alive so what makes it different while they are dead...you are always going to have those memories...

it feels good to have someone who knows how it feels...thanks and much support!

It really is just so hard to believe that my dad is actually dead. Ofcourse I realize that he died but everyday I seem to say to myself "I can't believe dad is dead." It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that he is not coming back. No one really understands how it feels, unless they have been in our shoes and lost a parent. I find that friends are actually surprised to know that I think of my dad and th events leading up to his death on a daily basis. This is a great place to come as everyone here can relate to one another.

Guest~ you are not alone...hang in there! Kelly

[stansbaby]

My dad has been gone 5 months as of yesterday and I still think about it everyday all the time. I think we will always think about them for the rest of our lives. I know it sucks that we have to go through this. I just pray (even though I can't see how right now) that our pain will be lighter in the future, but I think that even when I am 90 years old (if I live that long), I will think of my dad and cry and miss him. Hang in there.

It is a really hard thing to accept and the fact that he is gone... it is so unbelieveable...you just keep thinking that he will call but it doesnt happen and it wont and i almost feel like that is the hardest thing to get over taht there will be no more phone calls....

Also about thinking about it everyday...its like how can you not...my father was such a big part of my life...he was my best friend and now he is just gone...yeah its been a month but how are you suppose to just stop thinking abouot someone...all the people that are close to you...you always think about while they are alive so what makes it different while they are dead...you are always going to have those memories...

it feels good to have someone who knows how it feels...thanks and much support!

It really is just so hard to believe that my dad is actually dead. Ofcourse I realize that he died but everyday I seem to say to myself "I can't believe dad is dead." It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that he is not coming back. No one really understands how it feels, unless they have been in our shoes and lost a parent. I find that friends are actually surprised to know that I think of my dad and th events leading up to his death on a daily basis. This is a great place to come as everyone here can relate to one another.

Guest~ you are not alone...hang in there! Kelly

[stansbaby]

Yeah, my mom and I are going to the hopspice holiday meeting too next week. We are going together. I think that is great that you are going. Hospice has been so nice to our family. You see, dad did not die of cancer or anything like that which hopice usually helps you with. He died suddenly of sudden cardiac arrest...but they have still allowed us to join their groups and stuff. They have been really great.

Andrea

I know... I think of my dad ALL the time also! I read your post about the support groups and thank you for writing. After I read it, I searched the web for a group in my area. I did not have much luck online, however, I called the American Cancer Society and they were able to give me a whole list of phone numbers of support groups. I am going to try one or two out and see how it is. I also found out that some centers offer holiday workshops. I am going to a "Grief and the Holidays" seminar on Saturday. It is being presented by a bereavement expert and author. I will let you know what I learn. I know the holidays will be difficult, so I might as well try this seminar! Thanks for your support! Kelly

[mariposa]

Hi Lynnny,

Email me if you would like to at mariposachica28@aim.com

Hope to hear from you.

Mariposa-Everything you have said is so true. I feel like I am reading my own thoughts. I am so thankful for finding this group as well. If you want to email me personally, please do. I don't know how I do it everyday but I know when it comes to bedtime, I have so much trouble falling asleep.

I'm tired of people giving advice when they dont even know what it's like to watch your father die slowly of cancer. I'm tired of trying to act like nothing is wrong. Getting up everyday and going to work and hiding how I really feel. I feel so tired and emotionally drained. It's so hard because life goes on and I still have to pay my bills. I just stuff away these emotions until I get to a safe haven like my home and this message board. I'm so depressed. I get up everyday feeling hopeless. I feel like whats the use of getting up everyday and getting ready and working when all I want to do is be left alone. The days run into eachother and a lot of the time I feel like a robot just going through the motions.

[kellyoc]

I am so glad that I am going to try the support groups. I feel like this site and everyone that posts here really help me, and I figure going to a group where people know how I feel, may be beneficial.

It has been 5 months since my dad passed away and I find that people are more reluctant to bring up my dad's name. I think that most people think I am doing great and everything is going well. However, once in a while someone may say at least he is not suffering anymore. When people tell me this it really bothers me....My dad had stage 4 cancer for 3 years and stage 3 for 1 year. He was given 6 months to live and lived for 3 years after that. My dad had a desire to live and would deal with any and all side affects with very little or no complaints. HE lost his hair, had a terrible acne like rash all over his face and arms and hands, diarriah, weight loss and neoropathy in his hands and feet. Wih all of hese side effects, my dad was still full of life and eager to continue enjoying evry day. I once had a talk with him about his amazing attitude and he said he would take any and all side effects just to have the opportunity to continue living. I know people don't know what to say but I sure wish they would not say "he is not suffering anymore."

Wow- I just rambled on...sorry about that! HAve a great night everyone! Kelly

[lizzy73]

Thank you Mariposa for your suggestion on the anniversary of my father\'s passing. I ended up eating at his favoriate resturant and having one of his favoriate dishes. I thought I would share in case anyone else needed some ideas.

My father died on Nov 7, 2005. He had Prostate Cancer for 5 years and was 65 yrs old when he died.

Thanksgiving came up so quickly and I threw myself into Christams last year. I had a 8 month old baby and just felt it was what I had to do. In a lot of repects - I think I was just going through the motions of the holidays and pretending that \"keeping busy\" would just make things better. I am glad I came back to this site to read about suggestions for holidays. I already am depressed about this year\'s Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now that everything has sunk in.

[Guest Guest]

Thank you Mariposa for your suggestion on the anniversary of my father's passing. I ended up eating at his favoriate resturant and having one of his favoriate dishes. I thought I would share in case anyone else needed some ideas.

My father died on Nov 7, 2005. He had Prostate Cancer for 5 years and was 65 yrs old when he died.

Thanksgiving came up so quickly and I threw myself into Christams last year. I had a 8 month old baby and just felt it was what I had to do. In a lot of repects - I think I was just going through the motions of the holidays and pretending that "keeping busy" would just make things better. I am glad I came back to this site to read about suggestions for holidays. I already am depressed about this year's Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now that everything has sunk in.

[Guest Guest]

Dear Lizzy73 and Mariposa and Kellyoc,

My father had prostate cancer also. He died December 30, 2005. People just don't understand that I am still mourning and like I read here, it is hard going on one day to the next without constantly thinking about how awful it was for him.

I think they go by what we are saying or not saying or how we act-but don't encourage talking about it. So, I don't talk about it.

I don't know if this is how I am supposed to be or not, but here I am 46 years old not married and no children and now my Number One person is gone.

I think the one comment I get that is the most disarming is 'He wouldn't want you to be sad' I believe that is a given. But it's something that I just can't help.

I want this season to be over, too. I feel like I am reliving each day of the last 2 months of his life. When and how do you honor your father's life when it still hurts like this all happened yesterday?

Thank you for 'listening'

Regina

[lynnny]

Hi everyone-

So I don't know if I mentioned but 3 days after my dad passed away, I lost my job of 13 years! I am collecting unemployment but did just start a part time job and yesterday was my orientation.

I do not want to be a pain employee but when they spoke about taking time during the holidays, during break I spoke to the store manager and explained "my dad passed away 2 months ago and this is our first xmas without him. we are doing a special family get together in memory of my dad and I requested that I could have christmas eve and 2 days after christmas off" the first thing he said was 'what state do you have to go to' WHAT DOES THAT MATTER AHHHHH.....I told him and he basically said he did not know if he could guarentee that I would get off......I wanted to leave right then and there. i didn't....

When I go home I cried for hours and just want to quick this job already...I am gong in today at 1230 and will take one day at a time but I am so upset about how he answered me.....anyway,sorry to vent for so long but I just don't know what to do. Why don't people have feelings and understand. It's a part time job.....

[mariposa]

I was just wondering. Does anyone visit their fathers gravesite? My dad passed away Sep. 14th 2006 and I've gone to his gravesite once about a week after the funeral. My mom goes about every other day. I guess it helps her in some way. My grandmother told me my mom shouldnt be going as often as she does. She said that she should let him RIP but come on he bearly passed away in Sep and I say if it brings my mom some kind of comfort no one should say anything. Afterall that was her highschool sweetheart. They were married for 33 yrs. I think my grandma's just being bratty....thinking she knows whats best for everyone but everyone isnt the same. Just how it brings me too much pain to go to the cemetary it brings my mom some kind of comfort.

[mariposa]

Hey Lynny,

I hope you get that time off to be with your family. It's hard because although were hurting life goes on and we have other things to deal with.

Hi everyone-

So I don't know if I mentioned but 3 days after my dad passed away, I lost my job of 13 years! I am collecting unemployment but did just start a part time job and yesterday was my orientation.

I do not want to be a pain employee but when they spoke about taking time during the holidays, during break I spoke to the store manager and explained "my dad passed away 2 months ago and this is our first xmas without him. we are doing a special family get together in memory of my dad and I requested that I could have christmas eve and 2 days after christmas off" the first thing he said was 'what state do you have to go to' WHAT DOES THAT MATTER AHHHHH.....I told him and he basically said he did not know if he could guarentee that I would get off......I wanted to leave right then and there. i didn't....

When I go home I cried for hours and just want to quick this job already...I am gong in today at 1230 and will take one day at a time but I am so upset about how he answered me.....anyway,sorry to vent for so long but I just don't know what to do. Why don't people have feelings and understand. It's a part time job.....

[stansbaby]

I live an hour and a half from where my dad is buried, but everytime I go home to visit my mom, I go by the cemetary. It is extremely painful for me to go, but I just feel like I have to. I sometimes imagine "what if it was me that died?" and I know my dad would come to my gravesite often. My mom goes about once a week and it hurts her too, but I guess we just can't not go, you know? Everytime I round the street near the cemetary I get a huge knot in my stomach and I feel almost sick. When I see my dads name on the tombstone, it just doesn't make sense to me. And unfortunately my mind starts to think of the physical aspect of him being in the ground and that makes me feel like I am losing my mind, you know? But, as far as what your grandmother says, you guys have to do what you have to do and no one knows what is best for you and for your grieving process. I am sorry that we all have to go through this. My dad died 5 months ago, and I don't think even in 20 years it will be easy to go to the cemetary because we will never feel like they belong there.

I was just wondering. Does anyone visit their fathers gravesite? My dad passed away Sep. 14th 2006 and I've gone to his gravesite once about a week after the funeral. My mom goes about every other day. I guess it helps her in some way. My grandmother told me my mom shouldnt be going as often as she does. She said that she should let him RIP but come on he bearly passed away in Sep and I say if it brings my mom some kind of comfort no one should say anything. Afterall that was her highschool sweetheart. They were married for 33 yrs. I think my grandma's just being bratty....thinking she knows whats best for everyone but everyone isnt the same. Just how it brings me too much pain to go to the cemetary it brings my mom some kind of comfort.

[Guest Guest]

My father passed away 8 months ago. We were best friends. We saw each other every day. I'm so lost without him.

I still live my life, I take care of my family, and my mother, but always I think about him, and I miss him. I remember thinking, right after it happened, that in a few months, this has got to get easier, but it hasn't. I still feel numb, like I am not the same as everyone else now.

How do you cope? How do you have the energy to care for others when your heart is so broken? I don't know how to make myself feel better. I've been looking online for answers for months, but I haven't really found any.

[stansbaby]

I get annoyed when people tell me that my dad wouldn't want me to be sad. I know that he wouldn't, but if I was the one to have died, my dad would be sad too. And, part of you being sad is because you loved him so very much and you are a human with human emotion. Your sadness is just a form of you missing someone who meant so much to you. Often, it is hard for others who care about us to see us sad, so they just want to try and help cheer us up. I know they don't mean any harm, but I know that for the rest of my life, when I think of my dad dying, it will make me sad.

Dear Lizzy73 and Mariposa and Kellyoc,

My father had prostate cancer also. He died December 30, 2005. People just don't understand that I am still mourning and like I read here, it is hard going on one day to the next without constantly thinking about how awful it was for him.

I think they go by what we are saying or not saying or how we act-but don't encourage talking about it. So, I don't talk about it.

I don't know if this is how I am supposed to be or not, but here I am 46 years old not married and no children and now my Number One person is gone.

I think the one comment I get that is the most disarming is 'He wouldn't want you to be sad' I believe that is a given. But it's something that I just can't help.

I want this season to be over, too. I feel like I am reliving each day of the last 2 months of his life. When and how do you honor your father's life when it still hurts like this all happened yesterday?

Thank you for 'listening'

Regina

[stansbaby]

I don't think there will ever be an answer. There is no magic solution to make us better. We just have to keep pushing through it day by day. I lost my dad 5 months ago and I feel exactly like you do. I search for an answer everyday, but I have come to the conclusion that there just isn't the perfect solution to make our pain go away. We just have to take babysteps and hope and pray that somehow, someway, it will get easier.

My father passed away 8 months ago. We were best friends. We saw each other every day. I'm so lost without him.

I still live my life, I take care of my family, and my mother, but always I think about him, and I miss him. I remember thinking, right after it happened, that in a few months, this has got to get easier, but it hasn't. I still feel numb, like I am not the same as everyone else now.

How do you cope? How do you have the energy to care for others when your heart is so broken? I don't know how to make myself feel better. I've been looking online for answers for months, but I haven't really found any.

[angelcutz]

I am the one who's father passed on Oct. 14th 2006.I am a 26 yr old from Dallas Tx.I think this site may be a little helpful. I'm not sure what to say right now. I just felt like talking. It's amazing how our emotions seem to all be similar. Last night, while making dinner, I imagined my Dad coming through the door, he would always have something for my kids or me. He would say "what smells so good, what are you cooking" It's hard to see or hear anything that doesn't remind me of him. Sometimes I will laugh to myself, thinking of something funny he would do or say. My Daddy promised me he would always be here by my side, I just have to take his word for it, I guess. When you all talk about nobody understanding, I feel the same. I almost feel like my own siblings don't understand.I know this pain will never go away, but I hear it will subside. I have 3 children to take care, thats what keeps me going.This Sat. will be one month, already. I am ganna have a bbq at my home with my brothers and sisters. It's hard for me too because we cremated my Dad, as he had requested. This was the first in our family.I wish I could call him, anything I ever needed or advice, he was there. As I was there for him for anything. We would argue sometimes about his drinking. I did always tell him thank you, but never expressed my true appreciation. This has brought me to realize that my life was actually perfect until now. I do need to make quite a bit of changes in my life. I will be my childrens everything as My father was mine. Ya'll take care, Angelica

[Guest Guest]

I am the one who's father passed on Oct. 14th 2006.I am a 26 yr old from Dallas Tx.I think this site may be a little helpful. I'm not sure what to say right now. I just felt like talking. It's amazing how our emotions seem to all be similar. Last night, while making dinner, I imagined my Dad coming through the door, he would always have something for my kids or me. He would say "what smells so good, what are you cooking" It's hard to see or hear anything that doesn't remind me of him. Sometimes I will laugh to myself, thinking of something funny he would do or say. My Daddy promised me he would always be here by my side, I just have to take his word for it, I guess. When you all talk about nobody understanding, I feel the same. I almost feel like my own siblings don't understand.I know this pain will never go away, but I hear it will subside. I have 3 children to take care, thats what keeps me going.This Sat. will be one month, already. I am ganna have a bbq at my home with my brothers and sisters. It's hard for me too because we cremated my Dad, as he had requested. This was the first in our family.I wish I could call him, anything I ever needed or advice, he was there. As I was there for him for anything. We would argue sometimes about his drinking. I did always tell him thank you, but never expressed my true appreciation. This has brought me to realize that my life was actually perfect until now. I do need to make quite a bit of changes in my life. I will be my childrens everything as My father was mine. Ya'll take care, Angelica

[Guest Guest]

I am the one who's father passed on Oct. 14th 2006.I am a 26 yr old from Dallas Tx.I think this site may be a little helpful. I'm not sure what to say right now. I just felt like talking. It's amazing how our emotions seem to all be similar. Last night, while making dinner, I imagined my Dad coming through the door, he would always have something for my kids or me. He would say "what smells so good, what are you cooking" It's hard to see or hear anything that doesn't remind me of him. Sometimes I will laugh to myself, thinking of something funny he would do or say. My Daddy promised me he would always be here by my side, I just have to take his word for it, I guess. When you all talk about nobody understanding, I feel the same. I almost feel like my own siblings don't understand.I know this pain will never go away, but I hear it will subside. I have 3 children to take care, thats what keeps me going.This Sat. will be one month, already. I am ganna have a bbq at my home with my brothers and sisters. It's hard for me too because we cremated my Dad, as he had requested. This was the first in our family.I wish I could call him, anything I ever needed or advice, he was there. As I was there for him for anything. We would argue sometimes about his drinking. I did always tell him thank you, but never expressed my true appreciation. This has brought me to realize that my life was actually perfect until now. I do need to make quite a bit of changes in my life. I will be my childrens everything as My father was mine. Ya'll take care, Angelica

[oilyducks]

I understand with those that feel seperated from everyone else...my dad passed away a little over a month ago and living in college is so painful...I live with people that are so happy and they call their dads or tell stories and i feel so seperated from them. I also feel like i inconvince them, like if I acted like i felt on the inside that it would just bug them. It gets so overwhelming...last night i broke down cuz the college of stress alone is enough and not being able to pick up the phone and call my dad and ask him what he thinks is really depressing. A lot of the time i just feel like i should transfer to a college near home (i am 4 hours away) but at the same time i dont want to leave. People say that this gets easier but it doesnt seem to be feeling that way. I was also thinking of going to talk to a counsoler but i wouldnt want my roommates to feel akwkard about me going and i feel like maybe it wouldnt be a good idea

thanks for letting me vent...i find this site so helpful to talk and to read about how others are feeling and knowing that you arent alone in the way you feel.

[Guest Guest]

Hello all,

My username is greeneyes. Forgive me for reposting.

Angelcutz, bless your heart. My Daddy's birthday was October 12. Ohhh... my tears flow for all of you, who it is clear we are Daddy's girls. And sons. I am not ashamed to admit it.

I am scheduled to work the holidays. And I am going to try and hold my head up, because in the past Daddy always didn't want me to miss work if he was sick or on his account. I actually had to 'put my foot down' last year to be off on our last Christmas together. He was in a nursing home. At least I got New Year's this year. I think I might have quit if I didn't get that time off.

This site has been a real blessing for me. I will keep everyone in my prayers.

We are doing the best we can, right? That's all they ever wanted for us.

Take care of yourself (yourselves), don't push too hard.

Again, thank you for being here for me.

Regina

[kellyoc]

I know what you mean about overwhelming...I have been in such a sad mood this week. I have been very irritable and I am sure difficult to get along with. I guess I just am a little tired of acting like I am okay. I have been feeling very overwhelmed. Maybe it's because the holidays are coming and I know it is going to be so difficult. It is so hard because I am usually a very upbeat, happy go lucky type of person but lately I have just been so down and depressed. I know it's normal but it sure is not fun! Have a great Friday night! Kelly

[lynnny]

I totally understand. I feel so sad this week too and tired.....I am so tired of putting on the 'happy face' around others. I was wondering, do any of you dream about your dad's? I don't but last night I did and he was young but smoking and telling me my mom was sick.....It was not a good dream. I wish I would dream about him being well and our happy times together.

Thanks so much to all of you and this group. I do feel better being able to come someplace.

[stansbaby]

I have only dreamed about my dad a few times. And it is always weird. He died of sudden cardiac arrest and the autposy showed he had blocked arteries. My mom and I have both freamed that we are telling him that he has heart disease and that he needs to go and get it checked out. Then, I wake up and realize we didn't really get to tell him that and that he is dead. My brother has dreamed a few good dreams of my dad where my dad hugs him and tells him he is ok. my borther knows he has died in the dream and even asked my dad if it was a dream and my dad told him, "yes son, you are dreaming, but I am ok". I haven't had anything like that. I wish I did. I even dreamed my dad told me he had cancer and was going to die. My dad ofcourse did not have cancer, so that was weird. It just sucks when I wake up and can't see him.

I totally understand. I feel so sad this week too and tired.....I am so tired of putting on the 'happy face' around others. I was wondering, do any of you dream about your dad's? I don't but last night I did and he was young but smoking and telling me my mom was sick.....It was not a good dream. I wish I would dream about him being well and our happy times together.

Thanks so much to all of you and this group. I do feel better being able to come someplace.

[Guest Guest]

I was online today trying to find info to help me with all the feelings I have bubbling inside me. My father is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer last January and given less than a year to live. His time is very short now. I am the oldest of three children. He lavished his love and attention on my sister and brother and was cruel to me every chance he got. I was very lucky to have some limited "limited" postive experiences with him this spring and summer. He lives about nine hours from me so travel is an issue. I was able to let a number of comments "go" and just keep things as positive as they could be but in late August his attacks started full force. After several times of me "letting it go" I finally spoke up with a boundry setting statement about hurtful, disappointing statements. Two days later he was at it again, and two days after that I told him I was hurt and disappointed with his comments and attacks on my person and my childrens and needed to hang up the phone. That was the last communication. I am struggling with how to proceed. I am angry that even in death he would choose this behavior. After much thought and anguish I know that going to him to try to communicate would not be successful in the terms that I would need to have. I can not and will not give up or compromise "me" or my family to have only be insulted and tormented again. I have read a number of articles recently on "Must You Forgive". These have helped greatly. While my head knows the right, my heart hurts so much that even in death his choice would be to hurt me. There is still that little girl who seeks and wants the approval of a father/parent. It seems that if this was a case of what he was capable of it might be easier, but it is a choice as he freely gives to my siblings. I am so afraid of what I might feel after he is gone and all chances are gone. I know that I have conducted myself to the standards that I can live with. Maybe time is the answer. I am struggling.

THanks so much for letting me think out loud.

Patti

[kellyoc]

I do dream about my dad occasionally. Right after he died I dreamt that he was sick. I guess I was really just replaying some of the events that lead up to his death. ONe night about a month ago, I dreamt that we were having another funeral for my dad. In my dream I knew he was dead and I knew we already had a funeral but we were having another one. It felt so real. I woke up feeling like I was really at the funeral all over again. Most recently, (just Friday night) I had my first funny dream about my dad. He was alive in my dream but he was sick. He was being really funny in my dream and I woke up a laughed out loud. I could really invision my dad. I felt so close to him. I think I might dream about him and not even know it at times too. One night I woke up and I was soaking wet. Sweating like I have never sweat before. It was so scary. That has never happened to me before. I hope I continue to have funny dreams about my dad. The sad ones are really discomforting. Kelly

[oilyducks]

I used to dream about my dad before he died, I dreamed that he was sick and then he died and i would dream the funeral. I would dream this even before i knew he was sick but i think that is because he also told us he would die early and i think that he knew he was sick and didnt do anything about it. but i have sadly yet to have a happy dream.

[Guest Guest]

My family & me love my father very much.I am sure he loved us too immensely.I lost him on 18th october 2006 this year.I love him and miss him so much but my dad has not visited any family members even in our dreams.Does that mean he is not happy and angry with us?Please pray that my dad\'s soul rests in eternal peace.May God bless his soul with eternal love.

[Guest Guest]

I have dreamed a few times about my dad, he died two months ago.In the first dream I had, he looked younger and I was trying to wake him up so I could bring him to the ER, he told me he was ok. The second dream was a bit upsetting, in it he was very weak and I could not hold him up, this one I think had to do with the fact that the week before he died, he was very weak and was having diarrhea, hid doctor gave him an an antibiotic and sent him home. We had to wheel him into the docs in a wheelchair. I feel so horrible, we should have brought him to the ER instead, but I trusted his doctor when he said that he'd be ok and it was a stomach virus. So we took him home and I made sure he got lots of fluids and bland foods, he even said he was feeling better the day before he passed and ate pretty good. little did I know I would find him gone a few mornings later I did dream about him a few nights ago again, and I was calling to him and he was looking around trying to find me, I finally got to him and I pinched his nose lol, and it felt so real. I hope to have many more dreams of my dad, I miss him like crazy.

[gingergrove]

Me too Kelly. I get tired of pretending I'm ok. My husband is tolerant of my sadness, as he is the only person I really share it with, but he gets tired of it too, and then I get irritated with him and it just makes things worse. My son turns sixteen on Thursday and all I can think about is that my father won't be there. He's been with my son through every major event in his life, he lived with us since my son was 2 years old. I've been in tears every day for the past week, and today is even worse. I think maybe the best thing to do is just try and focus on something positive and just try to keep pushing myself to keep busy and try not to dwell on it.

Sounds so easy, so far it isn't working.

I know what you mean about overwhelming...I have been in such a sad mood this week. I have been very irritable and I am sure difficult to get along with. I guess I just am a little tired of acting like I am okay. I have been feeling very overwhelmed. Maybe it's because the holidays are coming and I know it is going to be so difficult. It is so hard because I am usually a very upbeat, happy go lucky type of person but lately I have just been so down and depressed. I know it's normal but it sure is not fun! Have a great Friday night! Kelly

[mariposa]

I feel like I dont belong anywhere this Thanksgiving. It will be my first Thanksgiving without my dad who passed away this past Sep. I've asked my mom what she was going to do that day and I invited her to my house but the thing is I dont even want to be at my house. My bf invited his friends over and I'm upset because he didnt even ask me. I dont want to spend the holiday with people that arent special to me especially because it will be hard to even get through the holiday without my dad. His mom is going to cook at my house. I thought we would spend it with his mom, sister and if my mom wants to come but he took the liberty to invite two friends and not even care about what I feel or what his mom feels. Me and her only wanted it to be us...to be family. Also my mom sounds pretty much hesitant to come to my house. It's her first thanksgiving in 34 years without my dad. She said she might spend it at the cemetary. Whatever she decides I want to spend it with her and I'm really hurt that my bf didnt consider my feelings. I feel like I dont even belong in my own home on thanksgiving or that I dont belong anywhere that day. Feeling very sad today but must paint a smile on my face to get through the work day. I feel somewhat like a robot. Going through the motions but not feeling them.

[mariposa]

Has anyone been to any holiday support groups? My mom received an invitation from the hospice my dad was in for a holiday support group. My mom, sis and I are going this wednesday. I hope it helps us somehow because I'm in such depression. Of course you could never tell because I hide it so well but inside it's like I'm overtaken with pure sadness.

[stansbaby]

My mom and I are going to one with hospice also tomorrow night. I hope it helps somewhat.

Has anyone been to any holiday support groups? My mom received an invitation from the hospice my dad was in for a holiday support group. My mom, sis and I are going this wednesday. I hope it helps us somehow because I'm in such depression. Of course you could never tell because I hide it so well but inside it's like I'm overtaken with pure sadness.

[lynnny]

You know it is really great to have this group. What I find also comforting is that we are all sharing the same things and that makes me feel like in some way I am not alone.

I was talking to my sister last night because we were saying how tough it is to put on the fake "happy face" everyday. She joked and said she needs to update her mask. It is really weird when most of your friends just don't know what to say and all i want is them to listen..

We are not spending thanksgiving together but thankfully my mom will be going to my sister's house.

Christmas will be the biggy. It is so tiring going through the days and coming home and letting my true feelings out. I miss my dad so much. It has been 11 weeks and I wish I had just one more minute with him....My parents were married for 41 years and he was only 66.

I hope everyone has a good week and know that even though we have not met in person we are all going through the same things and I am so glad I found this site.

I would love to know how the hospice support group works. My mom does not want to go and I would love it if she would, just to get out.

[oilyducks]

I agree with everyone that it does get so tiring pretending to be ok and happy. I hope sooner rather then later I am actually able to be happy. It is so hard I go places and do things with my friends and in one spilt second, I will think of my dad and then it ruins the night for me but i still have to pretend im ok so my friends can have fun but the truth is my dad is on my mind every second of every day and its hard to put on that face. i wish my school offered a special support program for the holidays, however they dont. but i do have my first meeting with a counsler on monday so im hoping that helps. It has been really hard today not to pick up my phone and call him.

[kellyoc]

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a fairly good day!

I went to a Grief and the Holidays seminar on Saturday. It was very helpful and I eally recommend going. I might even go to another one on Thursday night. I took some notes while I was there and thought I would share what I took away form the seminar.

The speaker talked about the importance of balance. She said we have to balance tears and laughter. She said that if we hold in our tears we will feel exhausted. If we laugh it will result in an increased energy level. She said we have to balance solitude and people. Do not isolate all the time but it is okay to tell people that you need space and take some time to be by yourself. She also talked abou the importance of traditions. She said to be guided by the reality that there's no right or wrong way to celebrate. Take the time you need to grieve eben on the holidays. She said to have a plan B for the holidays just in case plan A seems too overwhelming. If you choose to scrap plan A, give yourself permission to scale down. One more thing that I thought was really important: she said to journal. She suggested writing a letter to the deceased. This helps tell your story. It helps you realize that you are moving along in the grief process. When you journal always write the date and time so you can look back and see the progress. You may realize that you are not doing as bad as you think. I am sorry I am rambling on and on. I just thought you all might be able to take a little piece of this info. Have a nice night! Kelly

[mariposa]

Thanks for sharing, Kelly!

I\'m going to a holiday grief seminar tomorrow with my mom and sister. I was telling my sister I cant imagine what they will say that will help us feel better but everything you just shared with us....It makes sense and gives me hope for better days ahead.

Thanks again.

Mariposa

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a fairly good day!

I went to a Grief and the Holidays seminar on Saturday. It was very helpful and I eally recommend going. I might even go to another one on Thursday night. I took some notes while I was there and thought I would share what I took away form the seminar.

The speaker talked about the importance of balance. She said we have to balance tears and laughter. She said that if we hold in our tears we will feel exhausted. If we laugh it will result in an increased energy level. She said we have to balance solitude and people. Do not isolate all the time but it is okay to tell people that you need space and take some time to be by yourself. She also talked abou the importance of traditions. She said to be guided by the reality that there\'s no right or wrong way to celebrate. Take the time you need to grieve eben on the holidays. She said to have a plan B for the holidays just in case plan A seems too overwhelming. If you choose to scrap plan A, give yourself permission to scale down. One more thing that I thought was really important: she said to journal. She suggested writing a letter to the deceased. This helps tell your story. It helps you realize that you are moving along in the grief process. When you journal always write the date and time so you can look back and see the progress. You may realize that you are not doing as bad as you think. I am sorry I am rambling on and on. I just thought you all might be able to take a little piece of this info. Have a nice night! Kelly

[mariposa]

Please dont tell me not to cry

Please don't say there was a reason why

You don't know what I'm feeling

Or how much I hurt

The wet spots are from tears on the collar of this shirt

You think I should go on with life

Forget about it and be strong

But deep down I am sad, and I don't want to go along

I don't expect you to understand why

For no apparent reason I break down and start to cry

My life has changed forever, you see

And that is why I am not acting like the same ole me

So please don't try to act like nothing happened

Because it's changed my life forever

I will never be the same again

Not today, not tomorrow, not ever

The best thing you can do for me is just be there

Just like always, my friend

My broken heart is hurting bad

And it will never mend.

[oilyducks]

That Poem is amazing. It seems to some up excatly what i feel. I hate not being able to fix this or be happy or have my friends understand.

Please dont tell me not to cry

Please don't say there was a reason why

You don't know what I'm feeling

Or how much I hurt

The wet spots are from tears on the collar of this shirt

You think I should go on with life

Forget about it and be strong

But deep down I am sad, and I don't want to go along

I don't expect you to understand why

For no apparent reason I break down and start to cry

My life has changed forever, you see

And that is why I am not acting like the same ole me

So please don't try to act like nothing happened

Because it's changed my life forever

I will never be the same again

Not today, not tomorrow, not ever

The best thing you can do for me is just be there

Just like always, my friend

My broken heart is hurting bad

And it will never mend.

[mariposa]

oilyducks...here's another poem you might like.

Don't tell me that you understand

Don't tell me that you know,

Don't tell me that I will survive

Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test

That I am truly blessed

That I am chosen for this task

Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment

Of the bounds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer

And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But, I need you now,

I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care."

[lynnny]

Hi everyone- This is the pray we had for my dad when he passed and I read it everyday. It says so much, especially seeing my dad decline so fast from cancer. It makes me feel when reading it...

God saw you were getting tired

and a cure was not to be,

so he put his arms around you

and whishpered, "come to me."

With tearful eyes we watched you,

and say you pass away.

although we loved you dearly,

we could not make you stay.

a golden heart stopped beating,

hard working hands at rest.

God broke our hears to prove to us,

he only takes the best.