Loss of a Father

[Guest Guest]

I lost my father this August to ALS. He died a week and a half before I went off to college. Its my freshman year and I'm finding it so difficult to function. Things don't seem to be that important anymore. I'm a nursing student at BC, which requires a lot of work and all I feel like doing nowadays is lying in bed. I don't know how to explain it to anyone so I don't really have many friends. My moods are so up and down, and I'm wondering what helps

[Guest Guest]

TO Guest Who lost father from ALS recently

Im so sorry for your loss. I also lost my father right before I entered a new school. Its hard because nobody knows what youve been through and every person you meet you have to explain it to. You can be having the worst day and nobody will notice bc they don't know the pain you are dealing with. I suggest finding someone who you can talk to about it. I found a girl who had also lost a parent and whenever I needed to talk she was there to listen. It helped me because I was able to talk to someone who truly understood. You said that you go to BC--I know there are a ton of grief support groups around Boston.. those might be helpful to you. If you want to talk, let me know. I'll give you my email or my facebook.

[stansbaby]

To jeepgirl1976 and to Kellyoc:

Thank you for letting me know that I am not crazy. I just needed to know that I am not the only one, who has these images haunting them, which is part of the reason I am so sad. I have a website I am working on for my dad and it has a lot of pictures of him and me too. Just click on photos, and go to the slide show. There are a few pic of me and him from my wedding towards the end of the slideshow. I am not done working on it and the pictures aren't in any order, so it is still "under construction", but I thought if you want a face to put with me and my dads...then here you go. Often online, we never know what the person looks like that we are talking about, so if you want to go to it, go to http://stanely-henson.memory-of.com. This is a neat website that allows you to make a website. You might be interested in something like this. Dad was a huge bass fisherman, so there are a lot of pics of that. Take care and I am thinking about you guys.

[mishknit]

Hi all.....

first let me say how sorry i am for all of your losseas. I read a number of posts before I came onto this board. I am usually on the site for widows, as my husband died at 51 last january.

the reason I'm here is to ask a question, and maybe someone can help? I have a 14 year old son who sees me online, and would love to write online too...I'm just not sure if there are any other young people on here for him to talk with (between maybe 13-17?) I did a search online for teen sites but didn't really turn up anything.

Anyway, if any of you can help, i'd really appreciate it. he was in a grief group until last night..says he doesn't want to go anymore, so I'm looking for something else for him.

Thanks you for your help.

Michele

[varmav]

I'm the girl who lost her father to ALS (I finally got this to work) and in response to guest, I'd love to e-mail you or whatever. There used to be a support group for people who lost family members at BC, but I think the girl who ran it graduated.

I feel like people can tell I'm damaged or incomplete or something. It makes me more self conscience than I already am about being at a new school. Its so weird, there is no other way to describe it other than that. I'm trying to deal with a new life it feels like.

[messenger]

MISHKNIT..........SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOU LOST YOUR HUSBAND...........................YES THERE IS AN AREA FOR TEENAGERS.....GO TO MESSAGE BOARD AND THERE IS TOPIC GRIEVING TEENS.................GO UNDER THERE AND THERE IS TOPIC LOSS OF FATHER...CHECK INTO THAT ............I PRAY THAT WILL HELP YOUR SON...I KNOW...I SHOULD SAY...........IT WILL HELP YOUR SON.........MESSENGER

[roxygirl]

Mishknit... Hi If you and your son would like, feel free to e-mail me or IM me anytime. My im Is roxygirl7031...I would love to help.

Also about remembering the funeral. I remember my dad's funeral everyday. I can never get it out of my head. The way he was lying there. He didn't look like himself. The way his hands felt. His entire being, just wasn't him. That bothered me. It was the last time I could see him, and he was lying there in his casket, and it was like it wasn't even him. I also can't seem to forget how he looked when I came home and found him. I have nightmares almost everynight about that day. It's been 52 days today since he passed away, and I still have his number in my phone, his toothbrush is still sitting there in the bathroom, his car right where he left it. His clothes still hanging up... just like he went away on a trip and is coming back. I still can't accept he's gone forever. It's still not real. I still find myself crying everynight. Everyone says... ohh it gets easier... if thats true why does it seem to be getting harder everyday? Why will it get easier? I just want my life back to normal. I want my family to be together again!

[mariposa]

Hi Jeepgirl1976..

I can totally relate to you! My dad passed away Sep. 14th and I think also about how he wont be there my wedding day or if I have children he wont be there. My dad touched so many people. He had so many friends. At his funeral I told one of his friends "you were my dad's buddy" and he said "we were all his buddy" He was such a good friend to so many people. Always willing to lend a helping hand. Like you I havent erased his number from my cell phone. I also havent erased his email address from my contact list. *sigh* It's so hard and I understand everything youre going through.

Hi all,

I'm new to this type of group...I've been reaching for anything to help me get through this. I lost my dad on September 12th, two weeks before his 54th birthday. Here it is, one month later, and I still have days where it hurts to breathe. I'm the oldest of three grown children and the only one not currently living "at home". Daddy was so active in our lives that every time I go "home" for the weekend, I listen for his truck or wait to hear his voice. I miss his voice when I call the house...I haven't had the heart to remove his name and number from my cell phone....my #2 speed dial still reads "mom & dad"...I reached for the phone on the morning of his birthday to send my annual "birthday call" and dialed the first four numbers before I remembered...

I've been reading some of the other posts and so many of you have had the pleasure of walking down the aisle on your daddy's arm on your wedding day...I won't have that pleasure...but I know he'll be with me...I'll always be daddy's little girl...and as far as his future grandchildren...they will know what a great man he was...they will know him as so many people have known him...

Here I am, not quite 30, yet there are moments when I feel like a 10 year-old who just can't find her way...I have friends who have lost their parents who are giving so much advise that my head spins...but the one question I can't get an answer to is why? So many people were touched by this humble man, I find it hard to believe he was taken...he had so much to give...so why? Why when there are soooooo many people who are given two, three and four chances that don't deserve it....why wasn't he given another chance?

We had no idea he had a heart condition...he refused to go to any doctor...and the thought of "if only" brings me to believe nothing would have changed...because changing how he handled things would mean changing his personlity...I wouldn't do that for anyhting...I love my daddy...always have, always will. And I know he loved me....

Thanks any and all who'll take the time to read my ramblings...and everyone who's lost their daddy has my sympathy, support and shoulders...

jeepgirl1976

[mariposa]

My dad also had cancer for 4 years and I saw him suffer in those years up until the very end when he took his last breath. It's so very hard to have these images pop up in your mind. I dont want to remember him being sick but unfortunately I have those memories of him being in the hospice dying slowly and painfully. It's so very hard to comprehend 24/7 that he is gone. Sometimes I sit there in awe thinking "he's really gone. he really is". He was only 52.

My dad had cancer for four years but he was dying for 1 month. I always think of him laying in the hospice bed helpless. I see him vomiting blood all the time. I do not think you are crazy for having the images from the funeral in your mind a lot. I do the same thing only with images of my dad laying in the bed dying. I also have flashbacks of my dad taking his last breath and then his dead body in the bed. I can still see these images so vividly like it was yesterday. My dad was creamated so I don't really think of the whole sick feet under ground thing but can understand how you do. I think all of these thoughts are normal, however, so hard to deal with. I have these flashbacks all the time, everyday -especially when I don't expect it.

[mariposa]

Does anyone have a my space?

[kellyoc]

It is comforting to know that so many of us are feeling the same feelings.

I recently deleted mom and dad from my cell phone contacts at put mom home in place. It was such a hard thing to do and I had so many feelings come up when I did that. I thought if I spoke with anyone about it they would think of it as such a small event. Reading many of these posts and knowing that some of you have not deleted your dads from your cell phones makes me feel like it was a huge event (that I erased my dads name) and my sadness was normal. Thanks!

I worry about my mom all the time and I worry about my siblings. If it is so hard for me and I am an adult (27 years old) it must be so difficult for my sister's who are 14 and 16. I feel like I am way to young to lose my dad. None of my friend's father's have past away and I can't help but ask why? Why my dad?

I really appreciate all of the support from all of you! Kelly

[kellyoc]

Stansbaby

I just visited the website you have created in memory of your dad. It is amazing! I can really tell that your dad was extremely involved..the pictures say it all! It looks like you have so many wonderful memories. You have a wonderful way with words. You wrote such beautiful things about our dad. Thank you for sharing your memoories with us! Kelly

[stansbaby]

Thank you Kellyoc.

I appreciate you looking at the website.

It was very very hard for me to delete my dads name off of my cell phone. My mom switched her cell number to my dads, and everytime she would call me it would pop of "dads cell", and I would sometimes forget for a moment and think it was him calling me. I had to finally change that because it broke my heart everytime. And I rememebr crying and pausing for about 1 mintue before I could actually push "delete." It is like you don't want to "delete" them from any part of your life.

I sill look at pictures of my dad we took of him literally within a couple hours before he died. Just to remind you we were on the beach on a family vacation and he died when he went to go jogging. I look at his pictures and I feel so confused. And I get so angry that there are so many bad, greedy, mean, people out there who don't take care of themselves and treat everybody like crap, and yet they live until 100. I was just thinking that if my dad lived just to be atleast 65, I would have been 42 years old. I mean, 51 is too young! It is not fair! And I get so MAD about it. Do any of you ever see people now who complain about being old and I just want to scream at them and say, "Atleast you got to live to be old!" I heard a lady say the other day when I asked her how she was and she very rudly said, "Well, I'm breathing." And I wanted to crawl down her skin and say, "Well atleast your doing that because some people wish they were breathing!" I just find myself really short on those kind of comments right now. Do any of you get like that too?

[Guest Guest]

Hi there

I'm new here Just feel like I really can't talk to anyone about this. I dad died just over 5 months ago and now I'm living in the UK and my mom and one brother are still home.

I just feel like I don't want to burden anyone with my depression and sadness I feel. I miss him so much and cry so often - does it get better - doesn't the crying get less?

I keep remebering him when he was ill and I try to remember him when he is well but I can't get the picture of his last few hours with us.

My heart aches knowing my dad will never walk me down the aisle, meet my husband and see any of his grandkids...

I just miss him so much

[mariposa]

My heart aches as well thinking of the same thing how my dad wont walk me down the aisle or if I have children he wont meet them. I too feel like I cant talk to anyone about this. I mean people say "sorry for you loss" etc.... but then when time passes and youre still hurting as you were in the immediate days following their passing other people are moving on so it's not easy to talk to anyone about how you feel. I also have memories of my father being ill that I wish I didnt have. They are painful but in a way comforting because at least I know I was there until the end. I'm glad you found this place. At least we can come in here and know that other people understand us.

Hi there

I'm new here Just feel like I really can't talk to anyone about this. I dad died just over 5 months ago and now I'm living in the UK and my mom and one brother are still home.

I just feel like I don't want to burden anyone with my depression and sadness I feel. I miss him so much and cry so often - does it get better - doesn't the crying get less?

I keep remebering him when he was ill and I try to remember him when he is well but I can't get the picture of his last few hours with us.

My heart aches knowing my dad will never walk me down the aisle, meet my husband and see any of his grandkids...

I just miss him so much

[mariposa]

Hey I know how you feel. My father passed away in a hospice. He was there for 10 days. I was there with him everyday and in those days I saw at least 5 people move into the hospice. They were all elderly people and I remember thinking how unfair. At least those people lived long lives!! My dad was only 52.

Thank you Kellyoc.

I appreciate you looking at the website.

It was very very hard for me to delete my dads name off of my cell phone. My mom switched her cell number to my dads, and everytime she would call me it would pop of "dads cell", and I would sometimes forget for a moment and think it was him calling me. I had to finally change that because it broke my heart everytime. And I rememebr crying and pausing for about 1 mintue before I could actually push "delete." It is like you don't want to "delete" them from any part of your life.

I sill look at pictures of my dad we took of him literally within a couple hours before he died. Just to remind you we were on the beach on a family vacation and he died when he went to go jogging. I look at his pictures and I feel so confused. And I get so angry that there are so many bad, greedy, mean, people out there who don't take care of themselves and treat everybody like crap, and yet they live until 100. I was just thinking that if my dad lived just to be atleast 65, I would have been 42 years old. I mean, 51 is too young! It is not fair! And I get so MAD about it. Do any of you ever see people now who complain about being old and I just want to scream at them and say, "Atleast you got to live to be old!" I heard a lady say the other day when I asked her how she was and she very rudly said, "Well, I'm breathing." And I wanted to crawl down her skin and say, "Well atleast your doing that because some people wish they were breathing!" I just find myself really short on those kind of comments right now. Do any of you get like that too?

[stansbaby]

To Mariposa:

Yeah, my dad was only 51. I know it still hurts very bad for those who still lose their fathers at an elderly age, and I don't want to make it seem like their pain is any less. I just get angry hearing older people complain about getting older, you know? But I TOTALLY understand what you mean about seeing the older people coming into hospice. It is like, your dad was not soppose to be there...atleast not this young, you know? I don't think we can ever truly prepare ourselves for death, no matter what age. I just might have atleast had it crossed my mind if my dad was a lot older. I am sorry that your dad had to suffer with cancer. I never saw my dad suffer. He was as healthy and going strong until his last moments.....it was unexpected. I saw my dad alive laughing one day...and in a hospital morgue the next...talk about feeling like you are going insane. I often think about you guys...having to watch your parents suffer....and it breaks my heart. I am SO SORRY. It is like we all want everyone on the pages to realize just how great our fathers are, and to each and everyone of us...our fathers were the "best father" and we try and think of just the right words to descirbe them....but it never seems to do them justice. We all want eachother to know their special place in all of your hearts, and I think that we must have ALL had some pretty darn good dads to be on here typing about them and hurting so much....longing for our fathers to tell us "it will all be ok" as they always assured us. Dad always worried about me and my brother....concerend if we had enough, or needed anything..always trying to slip us a little money here or there or do something like that. No matter how old we got, our dads still babied us and we all miss that so much. I pray for you all as I pray that somehow God will show us a reason, or atleast give us some peace. If anyone ever wants to email my personal address is: Andrianna0215@hotmail.com.

[mariposa]

Stansbaby,

I know what youre saying. It's like you dont want to make it seem like it's not a big deal when an elderly person passes away. It is because it was someone's mom, dad, sis, daughter, brother etc. but we just feel robbed. Sometimes I want to scream because I cant believe my dad is gone. 52 years old and now he's gone. He was supposed to have so much life left in him to see me get married and have kids. To share memories with him. My dad was like yours too always worried about his family. Making sure we had everything we needed. Even after I moved out I could see in his eyes I was his little girl. Even at 30 yrs old I was his baby girl. Everyday I cry. In my house I cry or in my car then after that I'm forced to face my day and go on. It's so sad. Theres no words to describe what were going through.

To Mariposa:

Yeah, my dad was only 51. I know it still hurts very bad for those who still lose their fathers at an elderly age, and I don't want to make it seem like their pain is any less. I just get angry hearing older people complain about getting older, you know? But I TOTALLY understand what you mean about seeing the older people coming into hospice. It is like, your dad was not soppose to be there...atleast not this young, you know? I don't think we can ever truly prepare ourselves for death, no matter what age. I just might have atleast had it crossed my mind if my dad was a lot older. I am sorry that your dad had to suffer with cancer. I never saw my dad suffer. He was as healthy and going strong until his last moments.....it was unexpected. I saw my dad alive laughing one day...and in a hospital morgue the next...talk about feeling like you are going insane. I often think about you guys...having to watch your parents suffer....and it breaks my heart. I am SO SORRY. It is like we all want everyone on the pages to realize just how great our fathers are, and to each and everyone of us...our fathers were the "best father" and we try and think of just the right words to descirbe them....but it never seems to do them justice. We all want eachother to know their special place in all of your hearts, and I think that we must have ALL had some pretty darn good dads to be on here typing about them and hurting so much....longing for our fathers to tell us "it will all be ok" as they always assured us. Dad always worried about me and my brother....concerend if we had enough, or needed anything..always trying to slip us a little money here or there or do something like that. No matter how old we got, our dads still babied us and we all miss that so much. I pray for you all as I pray that somehow God will show us a reason, or atleast give us some peace. If anyone ever wants to email my personal address is: Andrianna0215@hotmail.com.

[kellyoc]

Mariposa and Stansbaby

My dad was only 52, I know exactly how you feel. I just feel like he was too young to go. I feel like my brothers and sisters are too young to be withoiut him. I feel like my mom is too young to be a widow. I am sure you feel the same. I see older people in the store and think to myself why couldn't my dad have the oppurtunity to grow old. He would have been an amazing grandfather...he could not wait to have grandkids and he was never given the chance. Sometimes I can't help but feel sorry for myself! I know that I was very lucky to have him in my life and I do feel so fortunate to have been raised by such an amazing man but sometimes I just feel like life is just not fair. Kelly

[kellyoc]

I also feel like I am too young to be without my dad.

[mariposa]

Yes life is definately not fair!! I go through the same thing when I see old people. I think my dad should of had the opportunity to grow old. I find myself resenting people as I go about my day. I mean I dont act like it but I just think to myself...look at all these damn people enjoying their old age and people having their fathers around. I cant help but to look around and see people and think WHY ISNT MY DAD HERE!!! ENJOYING LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. It\'s like his life was just cut in half and now my 53 year old mom who was married for 33 years is left without the love of her life. She\'s too young to be a widow. The only place I can let anything out is here. I have no one to talk to about this. I mean it\'s not easy to say all these things to people even if it\'s close friends and family. It seems like the only time people are open to talking about the loss is right after then when the funeral is over it\'s like were all supposed to go back to our lives. I\'m so thankful for this website because If I couldnt come on here and express myself I\'d probably feel like I was going crazy. I also feel guilty for resenting friends who still have their parents and have no idea what I\'m going through.

Mariposa and Stansbaby

My dad was only 52, I know exactly how you feel. I just feel like he was too young to go. I feel like my brothers and sisters are too young to be withoiut him. I feel like my mom is too young to be a widow. I am sure you feel the same. I see older people in the store and think to myself why couldn\'t my dad have the oppurtunity to grow old. He would have been an amazing grandfather...he could not wait to have grandkids and he was never given the chance. Sometimes I can\'t help but feel sorry for myself! I know that I was very lucky to have him in my life and I do feel so fortunate to have been raised by such an amazing man but sometimes I just feel like life is just not fair. Kelly

[Guest Guest]

Hi,my sister in christ. I have'nt loss my father yet but he is very ill.He didn't raise me but the hurt that i thought wasn't going to happen it my emotions are taking over how do you cope with this.

[mariposa]

Guest,

Youre saying you thought it wouldnt hurt and now you realize it does and your emotions are overwhelming? I dont have an answer for how to cope with this. Everyone must find their own way and their own path on dealing with this. The only thing I can tell you is let it out. Whether it's talking to a good friend about how you feel, or writting about it or finding some kind of outlet. The harsh truth is that you must go through the motions. You must go through the pain. Theres no way out. Find comfort anyway you can as long as it's healthy. I'm sorry for what youre going through.

Hi,my sister in christ. I have'nt loss my father yet but he is very ill.He didn't raise me but the hurt that i thought wasn't going to happen it my emotions are taking over how do you cope with this.

[mindy10]

Hi Everyone, well Im having a bad day. Some days I go about my business then other days I look over at my dads picture on my TV and just break down and cry. I start to think how Im never going to see him again and it freaks me out. I start to have a panic attack. Im thinking of the Holidays comming up and how he wont be here. The first holidays are always the worse. I found this poem on the internet and It brought me comfort and I wanted to share it with you all. I stood by your bed last night,I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep. I whispered to you softly as you brushed away a tear, It's me, I haven't left you, Im well, Im fine, Im here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,. You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me. I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your pacels, i wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to re-assure you, that Im not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said its me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. Its possibel for me to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, I never went away. You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew... in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over.. I smile and watch you yawning and say "Good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning light". And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we';; stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

[kellyoc]

Some days are just so much harder than others! Mindy, remember that tomorrow is a new day....Last Friday was such a dificult day for me. I had dreamt that we were having my dad's funeral again. It felt so real, I felt like I was actually at the funeral all over again. I was so sad and angry that my dad is really gone. I wish I could just bring him back.

Thanks for posting the poem. It brought me to tears.

My dad knew he was going to die near the end of his life as the cancer had caused his liver to stop functioning. Whenever I spoke to my dad about the fact that he was going to die he would tell me that he was always going to be with me. That he is in my heart and he will be with me forever. I just feel so sad knowing that he can't be here physically. Kelly

[mariposa]

Has anyone been doing any reading? I recommend this book.

Healing After Loss

Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief

by Martha Whitmore Hickman

[kellyoc]

A book titled

How to go on Living When Someone You Love Dies is also a good one. I cannot remember the author off the top of my head.

[mariposa]

This is my favorite poem. I have a "my space" I'm not sure if anyone is familiar with that site but on there I have a memorial for my father and I have this poem under his name.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

I am in the flowers that bloom;

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing;

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

To me this poem is saying that he is always with me. He's in every beautiful thing I see. In a way he lives on in all the people that he touched and loved and he lives on in the beauty of this life.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my Dad on Sept 19. I am only 26 years old with a 4 year old and a 5 month old. My 5 month old has changed so much since he has been gone. I was a Daddy's girl. I go over there every day and see my mom and just wait for my Dad to walk in. The Saturday before he died him and my mom had been married for 41 years. On the friday before he was fine and coming home. Then later on that night he starting hurting.( He has PVD) So, they took him to surgery and come out and said everything looked great. Then 45 minutes later they said he will day in 12 to 24 hours. He lived 4 more days. He was only 60 years old. It is not fair. I look at Bentlee my 5 month old and feel so bad because now neither one of them have a grandpa. He loved them so much. They are wondering when he is going to get well in heaven and come home.

[mariposa]

I'm dreading the holiday season. My dad passed away Sep. 14th 2006 and I'm not looking forward to any of the holidays. How am I supposed to get through it?

[stansbaby]

Mariposa,

I am also DREADING the holidays. I just want to skip them so bad. I get angry seeing the Christmas stuff already up in the stores. My Dad LOVED Christmas. I look at pictures from last Christmas of my dad with my one year old son and it makes me sad to know that was his first and last Christmas with him. I am 27 years old, and I too feel too young to lose my dad. He treated me like his little girl too. I still called him about EVERYTHING. My husband would tease me and ask me why I never asked him and I would tell him because my dad always had a right answer!

I don't know how to tell you how to get through the holidays. I don't know myself. I feel so sorry for my mom too. Her and my dad were married since they were 16. This Dec. 30th would have been 35 years. The other night my mom had a bad virus and was up all night throwing up and lying on the bathroom floor by herself. I live 2 hours from her, and the next morning when I found out she had been sick, it broke my heart to think of her alone....in that house....sick...and no one to take care of her. Dad always was so good about taking care of us when we were sick. I told him he should have been a doctor.

Anyways, there is no other way to say about the holidays aother than it is going to suck. We just have to push through them. We usually did everything at my mom and dads house...but not this year. I feel so sorry for mom. I think about how she lost her one true love and it makes me want to cry for her too. It makes me so sad seeing her sad and to know I can't do a single thing about it.

Take care,

Andrea

[jenniferl]

mariposa and stansbaby,

I'm 35 years old and I lost my father 21 years ago, October 20 1985. I completely know what you're going through. After 21 years, I still miss him greatly and think of him each day and wonder what life would have been like had he lived. He died very suddenly of a massive heart attack on my confirmation day, I was thirteen. The holidays following were indeed very rough. But my sister, my mother and my father's mother, Grandma Dolly and I, we all got through it together. Stay close to your family members, because they will help you through it. Also keep in mind that your father is not gone, he is just in an otherworldly place and he still looks after you. I won't lie, the following days are going to be tough and there will be a huge void, but the years following will get easier as they pass. Keep memories alive, look at pictures and talk about him... It will heal you.

Hang in there.

[lizzy73]

The anniversary of my father's death is approaching and I don't know what I should do to remember him. I've given money to the American Cancer Society and to the university where he taught on other significant dates - like Father's Day and his birthday. But I feel odd not knowing what to do on the anniversary of his death. It will be one year since he has died. Any thoughts?

[mariposa]

jenniferl,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

lizzy73,

Why dont you make something like a collage or make copies of a special picture of him and frame it. Give it to close family members.

mariposa and stansbaby,

I'm 35 years old and I lost my father 21 years ago, October 20 1985. I completely know what you're going through. After 21 years, I still miss him greatly and think of him each day and wonder what life would have been like had he lived. He died very suddenly of a massive heart attack on my confirmation day, I was thirteen. The holidays following were indeed very rough. But my sister, my mother and my father's mother, Grandma Dolly and I, we all got through it together. Stay close to your family members, because they will help you through it. Also keep in mind that your father is not gone, he is just in an otherworldly place and he still looks after you. I won't lie, the following days are going to be tough and there will be a huge void, but the years following will get easier as they pass. Keep memories alive, look at pictures and talk about him... It will heal you.

Hang in there.

[kellyoc]

Hi!

I am also dreading the holidays. It is just so hard to even figure out what we should do on Thanksgiving. In the past we always went to my dad's parents house. I think it is going to be so sad to go there without my dad, especially on a holiday. My dad LOVED christmas too. I hate seeing the Christmas things in the store and I am not looking forward to hearing the christmas music. That was my dad's favorite part of the holiday eason. He used to play holiday music in the summer because he never knew if he would be around for another christmas and he wanted to hear the music one last time.

I was home at my mom's house this weekend... when I was driving back to Maryland on Sunday I had the hardest time. I could not stop crying while I was driving. I just keep remembering that my dad said he would never be far away, yet I feel like he is so far away. I was looking through my dad's stuff with my mom. We cried a lot but it really was good to look through some of his things and talk about all the great times we had. It felt so overwhelmed and sad yesterday. I just miss my dad so much... it is so hard! Kelly

[Guest Guest]

Hi - I am new to this site. My dad passed away from cancer on August 27th,2006. It seems like yesterday but also feels like forever ago. I am sad everyday. My mom is living alone now after 41 years. We live 1000 miles away. I was glad to be there on his last days but I get so sad thinking about how sick he was and he really tried hard to fight it.

He was diagnosed in April 2006 with lung cancer, it spread everywhere and by July he had 3 brain tumors. I just don't know how I will get through the holidays. My dad loved Christmas and always dressed as santa.

I love all holidays but I did not bring out anything for Halloween. I am just to sad.

I am looking forward to connecting with some people. Thanks

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST.............SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOU LOSING YOUR FATHER.........THE FIRST YEAR HOLIDAYS ARE ESPECIALLY HARD.............WE LOST OUR SON JUNE OF 05 TO CANCER......HE ALSO LOVED CHRISTMAS..AND WORE A SANTA HAT AT WORK ALL SEASON..DIDNT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT..HE WAS SO JOYFUL THAT TIME OF YEAR AND ALSO THANKSGIVING...........CANCER IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE AND WATCHING SOMEONE YOU LOVE GO DOWNHIILL SO FAST..IS HEARTBREAKING.........

WHAT WE DID THE FIRST YEAR....................IS WENT AHEAD AND DECORATED .........WE KNEW OUR SON LOVED CHRISTMAS AND DID IT IN HIS HONOR.................MAYBE YOU COULD FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO GO AHEAD WITH THE HOLIDAYS AND DECORATE..................YOUR DAD IS STILL WITH YOU.................HE IS JUST IN ANOTHER PLACE..........BUT HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND HE WOULD WANT YOU TO BE THE SAME........HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK HELLO FROM HEAVEN.......BY BILL AND JUDY GUGGENHEIM..............GREAT BOOK!!! GET IT FROM YOUR LIBRARY...........IT MAY HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW CLOSE YOUR FATHER IS!!!!

I WILL LIFT YOU UP IN MY PRAYERS AS I DO ALL ON HERE..WE ALL HAVE LOST SOMEONE WE DEARLY LOVE AND GO HERE FOR SUPPORT..................

PEACE

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

Hi,

My mom not yet passed away... but almost there. She is termenaly ill with cancer. I am totally lost and i dont have a clue how to confront this....

[lynnny]

Thank You, messenger for your email. I have not read the book but with definetly go find it. Thanks for sharing what you did and I know it will be hard but I do believe he is with me all the time. Decorating will be hard but I am going to try.....

[messenger]

BLESS YOU MY DEAR FRIEND..............I KNOW IF YOU DO DECORATE.............YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.........A BITTERSWEET MOMENT BUT BETTER FOR KEEPING THE TRADITION GOING..........I KNOW YOUR FATHER WILL BE WATCHING FROM ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU OR ANYONE ON HERE NEED TO EMAIL ME PERSONALLY MY EAMIL IS LOVEISANGELS74@SBCGLOBAL.NET..................LIFTING YOUR BREAKING HEART UP TO THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MESSENGER

[stansbaby]

Just an idea for Christmas...

My mom just went to the craft store and bought 2 miniture christmas trees to go at dads grave for christmas. We bought little lites that are battery operated and we are going to go out to the cemetary on christmas eve and turn them on and leave them on all day christmas day too. His tombstone has the built-in vases made on to each side of it and we are going to stick the trees in there.

I get pretty angry thinking about even having to do this, because my mom and dad were soppose to be together this year as always, and put up the tree. They always had about a 15 foot HUGE tree (they have really tall ceilings in their house) and dad really got into decorating it. It just hurts so bad that he is not here.

But, I thought I would throw that idea out there for you guys incase you might want to do the same thing.

Talk to you later,

Andrea

[kellyoc]

Guest

I know how you are feeling. My dad was very sick and died from complications due to his cancer. It was SO hard to see him die. I felt so so bad for him. When I think back I still feel bad that he had to know that he was dying an he had no control over his life. It must be so hard for you. My suggestion is to take it one minute at a time and to let your mom know how much you love her. I just kept telling my dad that I loved him and that I was going to miss him terribly. I told him that I was so fortunate and greatful to have had him in my life. I know it is an awful feeling to know that your mom is not going ot make it. I felt so helpless, as I am sure you do. It has been 5 months since my dad passed away and I am still in so much pain. There is not a die that goes by that I don't miss him. I wish I could tell you it gets easier...many people have told me that time helps to ease the pain but the pain never really goes away. Hang in there! Kelly

[lynnny]

Thanks everyone for the great ideas for the holidays.

My dad knew he was dying and told my sister that my grandma was right "dying takes along time" that broke my heart but he knew and said he was not scared.

I just remember us all sitting at his hospital bedside and crying, talking to him. I felt so close to him even though all he could do was answer questions by blinking. We could not have done it without hospice.

I told my dad that he was the best dad ever and thanks for being so great to me growing up and i loved him. To say hi to my grandparents and please drop pennies from heaven. I said this all in his ear as he just had the yellow crap on his mouth that he was coughing up. It just breaks my heart that I can't remember him in my mind yet as not being sick. I know time will help and it has only been 2 months.

I just remember him depending on me so much and loved having the bond the last couple of months. I would take him to radiation and he would walk and hold my hand because he was so weak. I cherish that time because we knew it was going to happen sometime and we made everyday last..........I am glad I got to say those words to him every night until we found out in the morning he had passed......

I got the book "hello from heaven" and will start reading it. Thank you everyone for reading and being a part of this group.

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST..............SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH YOUR MOM AS POSSIBLE............UNLOAD YOUR HEART AND TELL HER EVERYTHING ...........YOU ARE THINKING ..SHE HEARS YOU AND YOU WILL NOT REGRET.............SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH HER.....MY SON DIED FROM CANCER SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING..............SUCH A SAD DISEASE....

JUST SHOWER HER WITH YOUR LOVE AND KNOW WHEN THE TIME DOES COME FOR HER TO GO HOME......SHE WILL STILL BE WITH YOU!!......SHE WILL HEAR ALL YOU SAY AND THERE WILL BE NO MORE PAIN..........THE BEST PART.......WE WOULD NOT WANT THEM BACK AS THEY ARE NOW.TO KNOW SHE WILL BE PAIN FREE SOON HOPEFULLY WILL GIVE YOU SOME PEACE....

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH US ON BEYOND INDIGO..........DO YOU KNOW HER FINAL WISHES...WHERE SHE WOULD WANT TO BE BURIED,,,SONGS FOR HER FUNERAL.,FLOWERS,,,CLOTHES..DONATIONS..ETC..THERE WILL BE SEVERAL THINGS TO THINK OF ALL AT ONCE............OUR SON MADE HIS OWN ARRANGEMENTS.....EXCEPT FOR 2 SONGS..THAT I PICKED OUT .....I CAN ONLY IMAGINE BY MERCY ME AND HOMESICK BY THEM ALSO...THERE IS A STORY BEHIND BOTH AND WHY I CHOSE THEM FOR HIS FUNERAL.

I PRAY WHEN THE TIME COMES YOUR MOM WILL PASS PEACEFULLY AND KNOW JUST HOW MUCH SHE WAS LOVED....

I WLLL BE LIFTING YOU UP GUEST IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[messenger]

LYNNY,,,,,,,,,,,,I PRAY THE BOOK WILL BRING YOU SOME PEACE

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

I can realte to those of you who say their dads died too young, i am only 19....my dad died one month ago...and i just cant believe he is actually gone...he was 53 and he died of liver diease caused by alochol...it hurts to know that i didnt do enough for him and that he wont be here for all the major events in my life...college is hard to deal with now...there is so much work and living in the dorms is so hard...i hate that people never know what to say...i feel like its bad to talk about it cause other people get tense...but its all i can think about...

[mariposa]

Guest

I know what you mean. It's like you cant talk to people because it's something so intense to talk about and people do not know how to react or what to say. I'm glad you came here. Here you can say how you feel and we understand. I feel for you going to college and being so young losing your father. I'm 30 and my dad was 52 when he died Sep. 14th 2006. It's so hard. I hope you find some peace.

I can realte to those of you who say their dads died too young, i am only 19....my dad died one month ago...and i just cant believe he is actually gone...he was 53 and he died of liver diease caused by alochol...it hurts to know that i didnt do enough for him and that he wont be here for all the major events in my life...college is hard to deal with now...there is so much work and living in the dorms is so hard...i hate that people never know what to say...i feel like its bad to talk about it cause other people get tense...but its all i can think about...

[stansbaby]

My dad was only 51 and died of sudden cardiac arrest. It is really hard because you know they should have had so much more life ahead of them. Hang in there.

I can realte to those of you who say their dads died too young, i am only 19....my dad died one month ago...and i just cant believe he is actually gone...he was 53 and he died of liver diease caused by alochol...it hurts to know that i didnt do enough for him and that he wont be here for all the major events in my life...college is hard to deal with now...there is so much work and living in the dorms is so hard...i hate that people never know what to say...i feel like its bad to talk about it cause other people get tense...but its all i can think about...

[Guest Guest]

In memory of my Dad, age 51.He recently passed on Oct. 14th.I still cannot believe it. The only reason i know, is because he hasn't called me. We talked everyday. My kids asked to go to his house the other day, so I went and sat in front. I found this website by mistake.I feel it might be some comfort or at least give me a chance to vent or whatever!

My mother passed when I was 3,due to a suicide. i am still waiting on the autopsy report of my father. So far, from my understanding it is due to possible heart or liver failure.(due to alcohol). My father was a Marine and instilled a lot of that lifestyle on me. He taught me to be very strong. It's hard to be strong when he was my strength. We were so much alike and he was my sense of security. I know he always wanted the best for myself and children, so I must be STRONG and hold my head up!!My Dad never met a stranger, he talked to everyone, he was a character and I will always cherish our memories. I guess all I can say is pray and keep talking to him. I do feel my Dads presence.I keep waiting for him tolet me know it's okay, like he always did. take care, angelica

[kellyoc]

It really is just so hard to believe that my dad is actually dead. Ofcourse I realize that he died but everyday I seem to say to myself "I can't believe dad is dead." It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that he is not coming back. No one really understands how it feels, unless they have been in our shoes and lost a parent. I find that friends are actually surprised to know that I think of my dad and th events leading up to his death on a daily basis. This is a great place to come as everyone here can relate to one another.

Guest~ you are not alone...hang in there! Kelly