Loss of a Father

[mariposa]

Dealingwiththepain,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort in here. Youre not alone. I'll check this message board often or you can email me if you just want to chat.

[kellyoc]

Mindy,

Hi! I hope you had a good day! Just from reding your posts the last week or so I do believe that you are so strong. Just because you could not be the one to help your dad in the bathroom does not mean you are not the strong one and I am sure your dad knows that. I have such memories of those little green sponge on a stick things as well. My dad was using those for the last few weeks of his life. He would wake up in the middle of the night to swab his mouth. We gave him ginger ale to dip the sponge in and he was so happy. He felt like it was a little treat. I kind of hate those green sponges now! My dad realized that he was not going to make it because the bleeding was just out of control. He was scared to die but even more sad to leave all of his kids and his wife. He was such an amazing dad. The last few years of his life he made sure to go on many vacations, he bought my mom a new car with 4 wheel drive and paid it off completely. He wanted to make sure she would be okay in the snow. He went to every single one of my little sister's lacrosse and volleyball games. The saddest thing that he did was that he made sure that everything was in order. He put all necessary paperwork that we may need after he passed into individual folders. He wrote directions for everything. It was almost like he was still helping us after he died. It was hard to go to the funeral home, accountant, and bank with folders that had clear directions telling us exactly what we needed to do written by my dad. It was really hard to read his hand writing and not get choked up.

I go through each day with thoughts of my dad often. I just can't believe he is really gone and he is never coming back! I find myself rambling but feel so fortunate that I can. Thanks for listening! Kelly

[kellyoc]

It is so comforting to know that so many people understand what I am feeling. I too am so glad I found this site. HAve a wonderful night everyone! Kelly

[roxygirl]

I know how you guys are feeling. I still feel like he's going to come home, and I still want to call him and tell him things. I still have his cell phone number programed into my phone. It's been four weeks today. And when I came home from school today I found myself afraid to walk into my own house. I was hearing sirens in my head even though the sound wasn't really there. It was like I was re-living that day over and over in my head. I still have been, and it's still there. I just want this nightmare to be over, and for life to be normal again. It's like everything today has set me off, and that thing how your brother is doing that, thats really cool of him to do so. I'm sorry about the whole thing with your mom, that must be really tough. But she is our mom, and loves you. Maybe you should talk to her about it, maybe that would help or something. I hate those words too, it's like they don't even know what else to say, and thats whats programed into everyone's brain, along with ohh I'm so sorry. How are you? is there anything I can do? You just feel like screaming when you hear any of those because they really have no idea how crazy you really are feeling, and how much it really does hurt. Well....I'm going to go try and get some sleep, I feel like a walking zombie.

[princessdss]

i lost my dad august 7th being sick only 2 weeks of cancer but until the autopies did i not know three years...now my mom is sick with cancer but we were told july 9th and now its seems to have gotten all out of control..ispent 10 years in florida dling the family tradition and holidays and my sisters(two)have been no where in sight per say and now that dad died(weird typing that)like he really died...and is gone..i havenot typed that less then spoken it..that i am now BORBIDDEN back to my mom s house until she passes away??DOES THIS MAKE SENSE to anyone..me here daughter DENIED to see her on her last days..i am so angry how how could she tell them that??why would she??i love her...she would never agreee to this on other circumstances...how why i can't believe i am gloing through this.....i can't

[dealingwiththepain]

Princess: I think they won't let you see your mother because you have gone through so much already and they do not want you to see her like this. This is wrong of them, that's a decision you deserve to make on your own. See if you can talk to somebody in the family about this, calmly and rationally. If they feel you are going to lose it (and I would NOT blame you if you did, most of us would), then there is no way they will let you see her. But if you can calmly and rationally make your point that it is very important to you to be able to see your mother and spend as much time as you possibly can with her, then maybe they will change their minds and let you spend time with her. It's not fair to take that away from you. It sounds to me they are trying to protect you. However, what they are doing may harm you more when all is said and done. Hang in there as best you can. You still have a lot of grieving to do over your father, and now you have to deal with the stress of what is happening to your mother. Remember, we are always here for you. If you want to talk about your Dad, or what is going on with your Mom or anything else you are dealing with, please come and let us listen. It's the only thing we can do for you, but it is something.

[dealingwiththepain]

Roxy:

I hope you were able to get some sleep. Sometimes that is very hard to come by. I understand what you mean about being afraid to walk into your house. Sometimes doing even normal things suddenly become difficult, even if you've been doing it all along. All I can tell you is it will eventually pass. Not that that helps you any. But unfortunately there is nothing that I can do or say that will actually help. I only hope I can give you a little hope as to knowing that you will eventually start to feel a little better. Your sleeping patterns, wondering "why me, why us", your extreme grief, all of these things will lessen and improve as time goes by. It's hard to believe that right now, and it feels like it will never get better. Wanting to wake up from this nightmare, trying to actually believe it is true, feeling the unfairness of it all, it's all something that you are going to eventually, gradually feel a little better about. Unfortunately, it's not going to go away very quickly. But it will get better. It takes a lot of time. You will never fully get over it, and who wants to anyhow? He is kept alive by you and everyone who loves him. You don't want to forget.

OK, I'm going to tell you all something. You may think I'm a weirdo or you may not believe me. I was skeptical myself. But this is the one thing that helped me. One of the things that I had the hardest time dealing with was I knew my Dad was always afraid of death. In 1991 he suffered a severe heart attack. He died twice and they thankfully brought him back. He had 2 of his artories 100% blocked and one was 95% blocked. He needed surgery but was so afraid of death he fought us on having it. Of course, we forced him to go through with it and he came through very sucessfully (and lived for another 13+ years without showing any signs of slowing down). So I knew how afraid he was. On Christmas Day 2004 he told me when he left my brother's house that he wasn't going to be around much longer. I told him to stop that, that he was going to be around for a very long time. 3 days later he died. They called it coronary artery disease. Not entirely sure what that really means. I don't know if there was another heart attack or what happened. So getting back to my point, I saw a special about 6 months later on A&E about psychics that they looked into and they profiled a few that the producers said were real. They actually tested these psychics and stated without a doubt it was real. I was hopeful, but skeptical. There was this one guy who did it for free on a radio station in NY. It's on line at 107.5fm WALK. So I started listen via the internet to his show on Sunday nights. He sounded pretty amazing and I finally decided to call, still not entirely believing. When I got through (took me two weeks of dialing for hours!) all they asked me was my first name and what I wanted to talk to John about. I told them I wanted to contact someone who had passed on. I didn't tell them it was my Dad. I didn't give them any other information. When it was my turn to talk to him, he greeted me and asked me what it was that I wanted and I told him I wanted to contact my Dad. He asked me, don't you want to talk to your grandfather first? I asked, what? He said, your grandfather (my father's father) is a little put out because you didn't ask for him first. (The last 2 years of my grandfather's life, I used to go and visit him for an hour every night). So he gave me greetings from my grandfather. Then he asked me, who is Louie? Well, that's my Uncle Louis who passed away from cancer about 4 years prior. He told me, I smell pipe smoke. My Uncle Louis smoked a pipe. He also brought another family member who has passed. Then finally he said my Dad says hello. I burst out crying. I was already starting to believe. The most important question I had was was he ok and was he happy. John told me that it was my father's heart that gave out and that in the end he had a hard time breathing, but he decided to let go and move on. That it was not painful, and that he was happy and surrounded by the people he loved. He then went on to tell me that my dog was there with him. I have never before or since heard him bring up someone's pet on the show. I lost my dog, my baby of 13 years not quite a year before I lost my Dad. And my Dad LOVED my dog, so it's only fitting that she was there with him. Now I truely believed I was talking to my Dad. There is no way on earth this psychic John could know this much information. And it wasn't vague. He was bringing up names, events and facts. Then he said my father wanted to know when I was going to get my act together. Something my Dad would have said in those exact words. I asked about what? He said about your home, your job. (I wasn't working - felt I couldn't at that point and was in the process of building a new house and had put a halt to that as well). I told him, I'm trying and he responded, well your Dad said to try harder and he laughed. Something my Dad would have joked about. He joked about everything. So then my time was up and I had to let someone else talk so I had to say goodbye. After I hung up I remembered every single word that was said to me. To this day I remember it all like it was yesterday. I truely believe I was talking to my father through him. He knew way too much information. You can either believe this or not, but I sincerely believe. And that was when the healing began. Once I knew that he had no pain and was happy where he was, that's when I began to feel better. The rest is my selfishness of missing him and wanting him here for me. And that's ok, we are allowed to feel that way. But at least I have comfort knowing he is ok. And that was one of the things that was really killing me, not knowing if he was ok. I hope this helps at least one person. I hope you do not all think I'm some weirdo for believing. But he knew so many personal things, not just generalizations. How did he know about the heart, and the blood that my dad had been coughing up? (We found the bloody hankercheifs when we had to clean out his apartment).

[mariposa]

Does anyone else feel this way? One minute I'm fine and I think at least my dad's not suffering anymore because he did suffer a lot even up until the end. So one minute I'm fine and I accept that he's gone then like today during my lunch break I see people all happy with their families and I think WHY?? My dad should be here with his family. Part of me knows that life goes on but part of me feels like I dont want to go on cuz I miss my dad so much. I just feel crazy sometimes with all these different emotions popping up at different times. On the outside you would never know it but I just feel so hopeless sometimes. Does this get any better? Maybe I feel this way because its so fresh. My dad just passed away on sep 14 but I cant see myself feeling better. I think about how he never will get to see me get married or have kids. I'll miss him all the time but I imagine those very special times I'll miss him the most.

[dealingwiththepain]

Mariposa, that is normal, how you are feeling. I thought I would never feel better either. Then, like I told Roxygirl, once I did finally start feeling a little better I felt GUILTY that I felt a little better. But eventually it does get better. It's not that you feel better about it all, it's just that you learn to focus on other things rather than the pain. It's normal to see people living normally and wonder how can anyone feel normal with my father gone? It is way to soon for you to feel anything but pain and loss. Don't try and rush yourself, even though you want to feel normal again. In time, that will come. Until then, cry when you need to cry. Talk when you want to talk. Take every minute at a time. In a while you will be able to take every hour at a time, and then you'll be taking it day by day. You are not going crazy. These are normal emotions and normal feelings you are having.

[princessdss]

Dealingwith thepain :you are so kind to write to each one of us...you have such nice and kind words...I called again to see how my mom is..my aunt was barely on the phone 30 seconds she said Sorry Dear I am waiting to hear from my son..I said how is my mom she says no difference then this moring dear,like hospice said we call you..her blood pressure is low and shallow we have soft muci on for her she is unconscious not able to talk she wishes not to have the phone to her ear..my mom is dying and i am one hour and 37 minutes away and FORBIDDEN to go see her..how could this have happened how i feel so alone

[msualleycat]

"I've begged God to let Daddy come talk to me, to let me see his face again. I've begged Him to let Daddy be my guardian angel. I need something.....anything."

I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth. This is my first time posting here...my dad died on 09.03.2006 at the age of 54 and I am just devastated. He died in his sleep from a heart attack. I just can't believe that he is gone. Sometimes I am ok and other times I feel like it hurts so bad that I don't even know how I can stand it.

There are so many horrible people in the world and I keep asking why they get to live, but my dad had to die. He was such a good person. He was a friend to so many people...over 500 people showed up to his funeral...and I keep asking why god would take someone like that.

I am thankful that I got married last summer and that my dad got to walk me down the aisle, but I am heartbroken that my dad will never get to meet his grandchildren and that they won't know what an amazing person he was. He didn't deserve this...he didn't deserve to die. I don't know what I am going to do without him. I just want him back.

[princessdss]

In memory of my dad August 7th 2006 I want my dad back too..i want my dad to come backand fix everything..make mom better and himself better and be here for their birthday...i want my mom to tell me she loves me and that we will be shopping again soon..i can't believe how much my life has change since july 9th finding out she has cancer but moreso how dad found out july 23rd and he was gone in two weeks...why?????????

[mariposa]

Dealingwiththepain:

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my dad on Nov. 19,2005 while I was away at college. Shouldnt it be getting easier to deal with? I just feel like it hasnt been getting any easier. I am the oldest of my 2 brothers and I so I have to take care of all that he left behind. I just dont think its fair that he died. For so long I was mad at him about things that happened when I was a kid and the week before he died I had a conversation to my aunt (his sister) about how I wished he would just call me and talk to me. And when he died I never got to say goodbye or tell him I love him and I dont know how to make up for it.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my dad on Nov. 19,2005 while I was away at college. Shouldnt it be getting easier to deal with? I just feel like it hasnt been getting any easier. I am the oldest of my 2 brothers and I so I have to take care of all that he left behind. I just dont think its fair that he died. For so long I was mad at him about things that happened when I was a kid and the week before he died I had a conversation to my aunt (his sister) about how I wished he would just call me and talk to me. And when he died I never got to say goodbye or tell him I love him and I dont know how to make up for it.

[Guest Guest]

My dad died in his sleep at the age of 61. We had a nice Christmas 2004. He cooked us brunch. We had a house full of guests. We all left early afternoon and he and my mom had a nice afternoon together watching movies. My birthday is the day after Christmas. My dad always cooked whatever I wanted on my birthday and planned to do the same in 2004. I was getting ready to go to my parents house for my traditional birthday dinner when I got the call from the emergency care workers asking me to respond to my parents house for a medical emergency. I asked what happened and they told me that my dad was dead. He was in fine health. We had absolutely no indication that this would happen. I lived a great life and had not really experienced any significant tragedy. My world turned upside down. I still cry several times a week. I can't sleep at night. On the one year anniversary of his death I drank vodka until I vomited. My husband was so mad at me that he would not speak to me for several days. It was no birthday thats for sure. Will life ever be the same again? I miss his every single day. How can I get back on track? I am who I am because of my dad. He was a wonderful man. I don't think I will ever feel whole again. Thanks.....

[dealingwiththepain]

To the new member who lost their Dad Nov. 19th 2005 - I think you need to forgive yourself. You will never start to heal until you do this. You are carrying around way too much guilt, and understandably. But I am absolutely sure if your father could tell you himself, he would tell you that it is ok, that he forgives you and he wants you to forgive yourself. You are always going to feel that sense remorse, and always going to wish you had gotten the chance to make amends and to say goodbye. You can still talk to him now. You can still tell him the things you wish you had said. Go to his gravesite (if there is one) or if you are religous at all go to a church, or just sit in your room or lay in bed and tell him how you feel. Say it out loud, or say it in your head, either way it doesn't matter. I'm glad you came here to write it down. Also, that helps too, writing it down. You can do it here, or do it in private and just write him a letter. We are all here for you.

[dealingwiththepain]

To the new member who lost her Dad on Christmas 2004 (3 days before I lost my Dad) - I know exactly what you mean about being who you are because of your Dad. Have you considered counseling or medication for depression? I actually do not believe in medication unless it is absolutely necessary, but you have been greiving for as long as I have and you seem to be still having a very difficult time. Not that I am over it by any stretch of the immagination. But if you are still feeling hopeless, then I think you may want to consider seeking some outside help with this. Sometimes we cannot pull ourselves out of this on our own. And there is no shame in needing help. We are all here because we need help. You definately need more support from your husband. He needs to understand your feelings, and not get mad because you drank too much to try and kill the pain. The first year is full of firsts. First birthday without him, his first birthday without him, the first Father's Day without him, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, etc. That doesn't mean these holidays get any easier the second time around, but they are all new things to deal with. That's why most people say it takes at least a year to start feeling better. I had first like the first time I went grocery shopping and there was an elderly man in line in front of me and all I could think of was, he is so much older than my father was, why is here still here and my Dad is gone? Everyone has the same stories and some different ones. But in the end it's all the same. I hope you read down a few more posts and read what I wrote about that psychic. It sounds to me like both you and the other new member could benefit from that. It's the thing that helped me to finally start healing. I wish you the best, and as I told him, we are here for you. Sometimes just writing about it and knowing you are not alone helps a little bit.

Mariposa - you are welcome. If only one thing I have to contribute helps only one person feel a little better even for only a few minutes, then it is worth coming here every day to keep posting.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my Dad on July 31, 2006 to Melanoma. He never lost his faith, and never showed anger. He was diagnosed in June, 2004, when he went for a scan for pain he had been having in his neck. They found a tumor in his brain and spots on his lungs. He underwent brain surgery, chemo, radiation, gamma knife. He was so strong and always told us he would beat this. I believed he would. He went through a lot this spring. Two sections of his intestine were removed due to melanoma nodules causing blockage and then a broken hip. He was in a rehab center but eventually they told us he reached a turning point and would not recover. His platelette's and blood counts would drop to critical counts.

We brought him home at the end of June. The Doctor's office said he probably wouldn't make it longer than a week. He made it until July 31st. Sunday, July 30th, we called a Hospice nurse who told us he was hanging on for some reason or for someone to let him go. My Sister and my Mom had already told him it was ok to go, but I hadn't. That night I told him it was ok to go if he needed to, I didn't want him to, but it would be ok, and that we would take care of Mom for him. He passed away in the morning. I guess he was waiting for me to let him go. I was able to be with him the month of July and help with his care in which I am forever grateful. He was always telling us he loved us and appreciated everything we did for him. My Dad has sent me butterflies many times. And in response to Dealingwiththepain, just last night at a seminar, there were a few elderly men and I thought that my Dad should be here too, living until he was elderly like the men in attendance. I cried on my way home.

Also, to dealingwiththepain, I could not find the website for the radio station

you spoke of or any information. Could you give me some further information? I am very interested in trying to get through.

[jinxed]

Hi,

I'm 27 years old and live in Leeds, England. My dad died 13 weeks ago (friday 26th June 2006) of a brain tumour and I cant face the anguish and pain so I haven't thought about it yet. I have just found this website and hope that it will help me come to terms with my loss. I find it hard to confront my feelings due to them being supressed as i grew up. My mum died when i was 5 years old and her name was never mentioned throughout my childhood, like she never exsisted, which i always found hard to understand as my dad married her best friend 18 months after she died. When I moved out of my parents address as a young adult I suffered badly with depression from the relationship i was in and the fact i never grieved for my mum. So since dad passed away I have purposely made myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it therefore i wont go back to the dark place i was before but i am tired, mentally and emotionally and cant hide for much longer but I'm scared........ I hope i can express my feelings via this forum though I know it will take time. I am not a religous person but have contemplated over the past weeks attending church to find answers to my questions that I know we all ask but again I'm scared.......

I feel lost. Its like walking through woodlands with so many things happening around you and so many things to distract you, yet when your on your own you realise there is no path and no direction, there is no compass to lead you through the woodland to the otherside to the next chapter of life.....Where do we go now?? how do we face the pain??

[dealingwiththepain]

The radio station website is http://www.walkradio.com/pages/listenlive.html I think you'll have to cut and paste, it wouldn't let me post a link. You have to register with them, but it is free and they haven't sold my email address to anyone. I hope you have as good an experience with it as I did, and please let me know if you call and get to talk to him how it went. I'd love to know someone elses experience. I am glad you found this site and have come here to post. It really does help, and we all need all the help we can get.

To Jinxed, you have been through so much. I can see not wanted to face this and deal with it. What did you do when you were suffering through your depression? Is that something you can do now, start down that path so you can try and deal with the new situation of losing your father? Because you know you do have to face it. And you will suffer emotionally if you try and put off facing it. The fact is you know what has happened, you miss him and you have issues with it, even though you are trying not to think about it. This will only hurt you more in the long run. The thing is, I think I still hide from it, even now. Even though I have faced it and dealt with it, I have never really accepted it. I ran from it. I moved 1500 miles away from home so I don't have to deal with it on a daily basis. I know that is wrong too, and I'm planning on doing something about it. My first step is coming here and talking about it and talking with other people who have the same feelings as I do. You have a very long road ahead of you. But you can make it through. As far as going to a church, you don't have to be a religous person to seek guidance from a church. They have taken a vow in life to help people and they will be there for you as well.

[Guest Guest]

Roxy:And that was one of the things that was really killing me, not knowing if he was ok.

I know the feeling. 3 months today to the day I found out about my dads passing. I still don't know if my dad is ok. If he's happy. He died alone. I hope he knew that I loved him. At least one person loved him. I hope he knows that I love him. That he can feel it.

[dealingwiththepain]

I'm feeling very emotional right now and probably should not be posting, but, well, what can I say. To the newest member, I am absolutely sure he knew and knows that you love him. That's one of the things that when I said that to the psychic I said I knew he loved me very much the psychic said what do you mean loved? He said, he still loves you very much. And I'm sure you are not the only person who loved him. We all touch many different lives every day. It's amazing how many lives we interact with. And there are certain ones that we make a difference in. There is some stranger out there that you were kind to that you don't even remember, but they were at a point in their lives that they needed kindness and they have never forgotten you or what you said or did for them. I'm sorry, I went out for a few drinks because I was feeling really depressed. I know that's not the way to handle it, but it's what I chose to do tonight. I'm just having a really hard dealing today with how much I miss my Dad. I've tried calling my family and friends (earlier) and nobody is home. I guess it's just one of those nights. So here I am, pouring out my heart to all of you who have enough on your mind and don't need to be bothered. I'm sorry for doing this. Maybe you won't even read it and then I won't have bothered you. But I just feel like talking about my Dad. And how wonderful he was. He was the best father in the world. I know we all feel that, and they can all share in that title. I even tried to get in touch with this guy I have been seeing and he didn't get back to me. I feel so alone tonight. I guess I can't even follow my own advise. My Dad, he wasn't perfect, nobody is. But he always made sure we had what was most important to us. We didn't have a lot of money, but he made sure we were happy. I just miss him so much. I want to see him and talk to him so bad. Everyone that I know that has had someone close to them pass on has told me that they can feel their presence. I don't feel him with me. They say that when you need them, just say that you need them there and they will be there, that you can feel them there. I have tried that so many times and I just can't feel him. I want to feel him with me. I don't know what's wrong with me, according to everyone I should be past this by now, I should feel better. But I still have times when I just can't. Tonight is one of them. I shouldn't have drank alcohol, I know this adds to the emotional trauma. I just wish there was somebody I could talk to right now.

[whyyesiamspecial]

I am sorry you are hurting so much Dealing. We do what we need to do in order to cope. So you had a few drinks, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I just got done crying my eyes out again. I do this after others are asleep or while I am the only one home. I don't want to share my pain with others. I don't want that sad look or the "I'm so sorry" touch on my arm that people like to do. I don't want to be hugged. I don't want sympathy. I need to feel.

[dealingwiththepain]

To all: I found a great chat room that I've been in talking with people tonight. It's live so when you need to talk there are people there. It has helped me to feel a little bit better tonight.

http://griefgroup.home.att.net.master.com/texis/master/search/userinfo.html?s=MB#boards

I hope it can help all of you, or at least someone.

[jinxed]

To WhyyesIamspecial, I too feel the same way. I cant show my hurt and pain infront of others as I also do not want any sympathy or pity. I struggle to find time to myself or more that I avoid having time to myself. I shy away when people ask \"how are you?\" and leave the room when someone starts crying as it frustrates me but I dont know why???

To Dealing, thank you for your kind words yesterday. I hope you are feeling better today and not so alone. When we are tired and drinking it makes the brain massage the deepest emotions from within and bring them to the surface. This is in no way a bad thing. I avoid alcohol in the same way as 'time alone' due to fear of surfacing emotions but i am letting them surface slightly through this forum (though it is hard whilst at work!).

Please call your friends and family today just to hear that friendly voice, it will make you feel better. Thank you again for your kind words.

Take care

[dealingwiththepain]

Jinxed and WhyyesIamspecial -

Thank you. I do feel better today. (Though tired). I'm going out of state for the weekend to visit friends. I went through a rough patch last night and knew better than to drink, but it happens. And in the morning I feel better. I chatted in that room that I posted below and that was very helpful. I know what you mean about not wanting to cry in front of other people. Somehow the internet is different. No, we are not looking for pity, we are (or at least I am) looking for understanding. For someone to understand how I feel. I know you all do. Thank you for your support.

[kellyoc]

Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a good Friday!

Dealingwith the pain: I too was having a really hard time yesterday. I just felt so sad and I just want my dad to come back. It is so hard to know that he will NEVER be back. I am gald that you flet your feelings, released them and feel better today! Have a wonderful trip this weekend!

I came home to my mom's house in NY for the weekend to visit my family as I live in Maryland and have not been home in a month. My drive back to my mom's was very emotional. I guess because it was the first time that I was going to come home and my dad would not be there. I spent the summer at my mom's house helping her and my sisters get through the first few months after my dad passed away but I am a teacher and had to go back to Baltimore to work at the end of AUgust. It is hard to be away from my family during this difficult time. My mom is so overwhlemed with all of the decisions and parenting alone that sometimes I wish I was closer to help her more. I do talk with her almost everyday and I will be home at least once a month but it is tough being four hours away. I guess it is good in a way as I do get time to take care ogf myself though.

I find that the feelings that come up for me just come out of no where sometimes. I am doing okay, having a normal conversation with someone in a perfectly good mood and ten minutes later I think of my dad and I feel so sad. It is incredible the number of times I think of him a day. I can't go an hour without thinking of him in some way. SOmetimes it is difficult when I am teaching six year olds and I have to be happy and cheerful when really I feel pain and sadness. At other times I feel fortunate to work with kids as they make me feel so good and they are so much fun to be with.

Well, I am really rambling on but I appreciate the opportunity to do so. Hang in there everyone! Kelly

[mariposa]

Sometimes I just want to scream because I miss my dad so much. Not only because I miss him but because of the memory that I have when he passed. He suffered so much until the very end. There was nothing we could do. It's a horrible memory and sometimes It haunts me so intensely that I want to scream to get all the hurt, frustration and pain out

[mariposa]

Sometimes I just want to scream because I miss my dad so much. Not only because I miss him but because of the memory that I have when he passed. He suffered so much until the very end. There was nothing we could do. It's a horrible memory and sometimes It haunts me so intensely that I want to scream to get all the hurt, frustration and pain out

[Guest Guest]

I am new here, just stumbled in from the web. I lost my Dad July 16, 2006. He would have been 80 last Sunday - the 24th of September. I loved him so much, and miss him so much, words cannot adequately express. The pain is still fresh and sharp, although a lot better than even a month ago. I need to get to bed for now - just wanted to say "hello". I will be back, I think I really need some of the support offered here by everyone.

Bless you all.

Kath

[roxygirl]

Kelly, I know how you feel about the thing with the kids. With my job, I have 70 kids, all K-6th grade. Sometimes, it's the hardest thing pretending like your joyful and happy around them when all you want to do is cry. I feel like that so much when I'm there. THen you have some on those kids who can't help but make you smile. Kids do the darnest things sometimes, it's halarious. Then also when I'm around kids, and I see their parents come and pick them up from my program, I see how they have their family, and I start thinking...why can't I have my family together anymore? Then I start thinking of how my dad will never see his own grandkids. He'll never be able to hold him/her in his arms, and fall in love with that innocent little baby. That fresh new life. I don't know. I think about that a lot though.

Also whyyesiamspecial, I know how you feel about not showing your hurt in front of others because you don't want the sympathy. I do the same thing. I won't let people see me cry. All I ever let people see is this fake smile I plaster on my face everymorning I wake up and leave my room, that smile will mostly stay there until I'm by myself again. Then the tears come, the pain comes out in such a full force. Everynight it seems I dream about when he passed away... well more like a nightmare... but everytime I do I wake up crying. Last night I spent the night at one of my friends because I didn't want to be home, and that happened. They asked me what was wrong because they noticed I did that, and I couldn't even answer. I knew if I did answer I'd break down and start crying right there. It's just so hard dealing with this, and it hasn't gotten any easier... we still have people calling asking for him, we still have mail come for him.. Its been 34 days today since he pased away. Only 34 days. I just want it to become easier, and be able to live my life happy again. I want him to be back. I still feel like he's going to come walking through the frint door and tell us all the entire thing is a joke. I really mean, and cruel joke, but a joke none the less. I miss him so much. My house is so lonely now, you can feel the emptiness here. It's just so sad.

[staystrongsomehow]

Hello all. I just read several of your posts and thought wow. It amazes me how much all of you are going through alot of the same feelings and experiences that I am. I worry that if I don't cry when people ask me how I'm doing that they'll think I'm insensitive. I just don't like crying in front of people. My dad passed away in my arms on September 8. He would have been 75 on September 30. I keep telling myself to "stay strong somehow" but it's been very hard. After I put my daughter(5) to bed at night I cry. My little girl has been taking this very hard too. I can't sleep and when I do I have bad dreams. I started taking kava, a herbal supplement, as needed for stress, which helps me sleep a little better. I miss my father so much. He was my best friend. The hardest part is he lived with me and I took care of him for 4 years before he died. Everything I look at in the house reminds me of him...from special food I bought because he liked it to places he would sit, or things that were his. Like many of you I wish this was a bad dream. Maybe we are living the dream and maybe someday we will wake up and be with our loved ones again...like in heaven? Roxy

[mindy10]

Hi Roxy. Im sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about everything you look at reminds you of your dad. When ever I go to my moms house I think the same thing. He died of cancer in June and it took 2 1/2 months of suffering in his house on the same couch. I wish my mom would throw the couch away now because everytime I look at it, it reminds me of his pain. Its an old couch and should be tossed anyway. I expect him to walk into the room when ever im there. It seems so weird that he is gone and I cant just drive to his house and see him. It must of been hard taking care of your dad with a 5 year old. I cant even imagine. I use to go to the Cape and help my mom a few times a week but it was a 2 hour drive and I worked and had a 20 month old so it was hard. I know we all have to lose our parents someday but to watch him suffer from cancer is what I cant get out of my head. At least I know he is not in pain anymore. Take Care. Mindy

[stansbaby]

"I've begged God to let Daddy come talk to me, to let me see his face again. I've begged Him to let Daddy be my guardian angel. I need something.....anything."

I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth. This is my first time posting here...my dad died on 09.03.2006 at the age of 54 and I am just devastated. He died in his sleep from a heart attack. I just can't believe that he is gone. Sometimes I am ok and other times I feel like it hurts so bad that I don't even know how I can stand it.

There are so many horrible people in the world and I keep asking why they get to live, but my dad had to die. He was such a good person. He was a friend to so many people...over 500 people showed up to his funeral...and I keep asking why god would take someone like that.

I am thankful that I got married last summer and that my dad got to walk me down the aisle, but I am heartbroken that my dad will never get to meet his grandchildren and that they won't know what an amazing person he was. He didn't deserve this...he didn't deserve to die. I don't know what I am going to do without him. I just want him back.

[stansbaby]

I know how you feel. I lost my dad June 7th 2006. He was only 51 years old and he died while we were at the beach on vacation. He went jogging and collapsed suddenly of sudden cardiac arrest. He was such a healthy person and excercised daily. The hit me and my family like a ton of bricks. He was also such a great man whom a lot of people respected. Dad was what molded our family together. I do have an 18 month old son, but he and any of my future children will never know him. It hurts so bad, I know. I try and explain to people that if they take the worst pain they have ever felt and multiply that by an infinite number....well that is how I feel, because there is no way to describe it. If you ever want to email me, please feel free at Andrianna0215@hotmail.com.

"I've begged God to let Daddy come talk to me, to let me see his face again. I've begged Him to let Daddy be my guardian angel. I need something.....anything."

I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth. This is my first time posting here...my dad died on 09.03.2006 at the age of 54 and I am just devastated. He died in his sleep from a heart attack. I just can't believe that he is gone. Sometimes I am ok and other times I feel like it hurts so bad that I don't even know how I can stand it.

There are so many horrible people in the world and I keep asking why they get to live, but my dad had to die. He was such a good person. He was a friend to so many people...over 500 people showed up to his funeral...and I keep asking why god would take someone like that.

I am thankful that I got married last summer and that my dad got to walk me down the aisle, but I am heartbroken that my dad will never get to meet his grandchildren and that they won't know what an amazing person he was. He didn't deserve this...he didn't deserve to die. I don't know what I am going to do without him. I just want him back.

[tanni29]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and am so sorry about all your dads. I lost mine last week one day after my birthday. he was 71 and died in his sleep, I found him that morning and I was devastated, I yelled and screamed at him to wake up, I could not believe he had left me. My dad was my best friend, and my husband considered him his dad and best friend too, he was an amazing little guy who everyone loved, I called him "papa smurf" lol. I feel so empty and alone, one minute I'm crying, the next I'm walking aimlessly around the house. I lost my sister in 2002 and my mom in 2004, and now my dad is gone too. He was doing so good, he had just gotten over radiation therapy for prostate cancer and had hardly any side effects, he had a complete physical the week before and was told all looked great. He went out that Friday with some friends and when he came home he appeared tired but nothing alarming (he was on oxygen and usually got pooped out from a day out) the next day he started with terrible stomach problems, something he never had before, so I called his doc and brought him in, the doc. just told him to drink plenty of fluids and gave him anti-biotic for what he thought was a stomach bacteria. Over the next days I had him drink lots of fluids,checked his temp every few hours and fed him bland foods, and the day before he died he actually ate three small meals and said he felt better so I thought he was getting better. They said he had a massive heart attack and that he went quickly, for that I am glad because I could never stand to see him suffer. I find myself looking around when I'm at the store and looking at the older men wishing my dad was beside me. The only comfort is knowing somehow he is with my mom and sister and hoping that I'll see him again when it's my time.

[Guest Guest]

My dad died of a massive heart attack while running Friday morning. It was a shock because he was in incredible shape... he went running everyday. I am 16. I love my dad so much, no one can ever love their dad more than me, everyone who knew us knew we had a special bond. I wish I could have spent more time with him. I want to go back in time and hug him and never let go. He was only 58. I just want to die. I can't even think about living without him. I feel so empty and lonely. My family was ALL I had, and I thanked God for my family, because I knew I couldn't get by without them. My parents were my best friends, that might sound weird coming from a 16-year-old, but they were the only people I knew who loved me unconditionally, no matter what I do. And now my dad is gone and all I think about is dying so I can go see him in Heaven. THERE IS NO WAY I CAN LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM. Can't someone bring back my daddy? I can't believe this is happening to me. I was just starting to be REALLY happy in my life. My dad was the best man.

[roxygirl]

To GUEST who lost their father last Friday. I know it's hard to deal with. I'm only 17 and I lost my dad Aug 28, 1006. You still do have family here though, and your dad is watching over you. I felt the same way when I came home and found my dad. I still think that way sometimes. I still want to know why this had to happen. So many things are happening right now, and it's all so stressful. Especially with high school. You see all these kids who have both their parents. Who have all these people who love them. And then I look at my family. I lost one of my sisters to drugs when I was in the 8th grade... she was only 19 years old. Now my dad is gone. Forever. I can't accept that. I still haven't. I still think in my mind that he's going to come walking through the door. I still think he's gonna call. Something.... anything.... but I won't think that he's really gone. I keep myself so busy so I don't have to think about it. Sometimes I just can't get it out of my head. I still have nightmares. I still don't sleep, and I hardly eat. I've lost about 15 pounds just since he passed away. And I can't afford to lose weight. Your dad was still young, so was mine he was only 43. You can live your life still, the way I see it, with my dad anyways.. or try to see it is that He's waiting to see me live happily and do something with my life. To make someting of myself to make him pround. Sometimes its soooo hard. I can hardly concentrate on things. I can hardly make it through a day of school... and especially with work after... I'm so emotionally and physically exausted, but I want to make my dad pround. I try and be happy. Thats all that you can do. One of my favorite sayings is... you can't do anything about yesterday, and you can't do anything about tomorow, you can only work on today. Once today is over then another today comes, and you work on that. It's true. What you do today will bring you somewhere else the next day.

[Guest Guest]

Hi all,

I'm new to this type of group...I've been reaching for anything to help me get through this. I lost my dad on September 12th, two weeks before his 54th birthday. Here it is, one month later, and I still have days where it hurts to breathe. I'm the oldest of three grown children and the only one not currently living "at home". Daddy was so active in our lives that every time I go "home" for the weekend, I listen for his truck or wait to hear his voice. I miss his voice when I call the house...I haven't had the heart to remove his name and number from my cell phone....my #2 speed dial still reads "mom & dad"...I reached for the phone on the morning of his birthday to send my annual "birthday call" and dialed the first four numbers before I remembered...

I've been reading some of the other posts and so many of you have had the pleasure of walking down the aisle on your daddy's arm on your wedding day...I won't have that pleasure...but I know he'll be with me...I'll always be daddy's little girl...and as far as his future grandchildren...they will know what a great man he was...they will know him as so many people have known him...

Here I am, not quite 30, yet there are moments when I feel like a 10 year-old who just can't find her way...I have friends who have lost their parents who are giving so much advise that my head spins...but the one question I can't get an answer to is why? So many people were touched by this humble man, I find it hard to believe he was taken...he had so much to give...so why? Why when there are soooooo many people who are given two, three and four chances that don't deserve it....why wasn't he given another chance?

We had no idea he had a heart condition...he refused to go to any doctor...and the thought of "if only" brings me to believe nothing would have changed...because changing how he handled things would mean changing his personlity...I wouldn't do that for anyhting...I love my daddy...always have, always will. And I know he loved me....

Thanks any and all who'll take the time to read my ramblings...and everyone who's lost their daddy has my sympathy, support and shoulders...

jeepgirl1976

[messenger]

I READ ALL YOUR POSTS WITH A HEAVY HEART..................I AM SO SORRY ALL OF YOU HAVE TO GO THRU THIS................IT IS SO VERY HARD TO LOSE A FATHER............I LOST MINE AT AGE 10.............THAT WAS 41 YEARS AGO.................AND STILL SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY!!!!!!

JUST KNOW THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU...............AND THEY ARE NO LONGER SUFFERING...........I PRAY THEY WILL COME IN YOUR DREAMS...AND GIVE YOU SIGNS................THERE IS A LOT OF COMFORT THERE..KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THE KIND AND CARING FOLKS HERE..............NO BETTER SUPPORT GROUP..WE ARE ALL GOING THRU A LOSS OF SOME KIND............I LOST MY 27 YEAR OLD SON TO CANCER......BUT HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES ALSO............I PRAY GOD WILL FILL YOUR HEARTS WITH PEACE AS YOU PUT YOUR TRUST IN HIM...........MESSENGER

[daddysgirl331]

I lost my dad earlier this year and I am not looking forward to his birthday next week. Niether am I looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I really miss him and need someone to talk to who understands no one here wants to talk and i feel lonely.

[messenger]

DEAR DADDYSGIRL331;;;HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT GOING TO HIS GRAVE AND BRINGING SOME BALLOONS ON HIS BIRTHDAY............TALK TO HIM..TELL HIM YOUR FEELINGS.......HE IS STILL WITH YOU........RELEASE THE BALLOONS AND HOPEFULLY YOU WILL GET SOME PEACE FROM THAT..THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE ROUGH.........I WONT SAY THEY WONT BUT MAYBE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOME ONE ELSE DURING THE HOLIDAYS AND THAT WILL HELP YOU??? DO YOU GO TO CHRUCH??????THERE IS A LOT OF PEACE..........THERE........I WILL BE KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

i honestly have no idea what to say.

i just turned eighteen and i lost my dad about a week ago due to cancer. everything is just recently starting to piece together: he missed my high school graduation because he was in the hospital, he is not going to see me graduate from college or see me do anything substantial with my life.

his funeral was awful. my mom and i got in a really trivial argument and she sent me back to virginia the next day and is currently not talking to me. and i hate her for making me go through this myself.

i miss him every day but my heart is not broken yet. i haven't the slightest idea what's supposed to happen next. i am quickly turning into a nihilist and questioning the importance of everything around me.

but i guess this is normal?

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST........HOW TRAGIC,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I HATE YOU HAD TO GO THRU THIS......CANCER IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE..I LOST MY 27 YEAR OLD SON TO IT AND WATCHED HIM SUFFER BACK AND FORTH FOR 6 YEARS UNTIL IT FINALLY TOOK HIM 16 MONTHS AGO......HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL OFF AND ON ALL THE TIME..SORRY HE HAD TO MISS YOUR GRADUATION...I BELIEVE.............HE WILL SEE YOU GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE...HE IS STILL WITH YOU IN SPIRIT AND I PRAY GOD WILL ALLOW HIM TO GIVE YOU SIGNS AND DREAMS TO LET YOU KNOW..HE IS FINE..NO................MORE SUFFERING!!!THAT IS GONE NOW............YOUR MOM IS JUST ANGRY BECAUSE HE IS GONE ..DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY...SHE IS LASHING OUT AT YOU..BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE........TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME..THERE IS AN AWESOME SUPPORT GROUP HERE.......MAYBE YOUR MOM SHOULD CHECK THIS OUT..SHE NEEDS TO VENT TO??

WE WILL HELP EACH OTHER THRU THIS THING CALLED DEATH..WE ALL ARE GOING THRU THIS GRIEVING PROCESS..BUT LEARNING THERE IS MUCH LOVE AND ENCOURAGEMENT ON THIS SITE...................KEEP IN TOUCH AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS..MY LIST IS LONG...........BUT IT ALL GOES TO GOD!! AND HE HEARS EACH ONE!!

I PRAY YOU CAN FIND SOME PEACE AS YOU GO THRU THIS.....READ ON DOWN ON THE POSTS AND SEE WHAT OTHERS HAVE WRITTEN AND MAYBE THAT WILL HELP YOU?

MESSENGER

[stansbaby]

To the GUEST who lost their father running:

That is so crazy....I also lost my dad while he was running. He died of sudden cardiac arrest and it was such a shock to us because he was so healthy too. We had no warning either, and I know the shock you are going through right now. My dad was only 51 years old and you do wonder why other people get so many chances and some of the greatest people out there do not. My dad died on June 7, 2006. It has been 4 1/2 months for me and I hate to say it, but it is still very hard. Sudden death is a very tragic loss and it took me about the 3rd month, before I started to realize that he is really gone. Somedays I still don't realize it. My parents were my best friends too. They always have been. I loved hanging out with my parents. Dad was a well-respected man in my town, yet he was so humble and kind and would give his last dime to someone if he knew they needed it. If you ever need to talk, you can email me at Andrianna0215@hotmail.com.

Also to jeepgirl1976:

I know your pain too. You are also experiecing a sudden loss. I know you said your dad refused to go to the doctor and you never knew he had any heart problems. Well, my dad on the other hand was a "health nut" and worked out all the time and went to the doctor very regularly for his physicals and he just had a heart EKG done last year and everything was normal.....(or so they thought). So, don't beat yourself up. My dad did all the preventitive stuff to make sure he didn't have any health issues, and gues what, he did have heart disease but it was silent and he never had a symptom or a warning. I just have to believe it was his time no matter what. Please feel free to email me anytime.

[kellyoc]

My dad died 5 months ago and I too cannot believe it still. I am in more pain now than I was right after the death and I think it is really going to take a long, long time until all of our feelings and emotions calm down. I think of my dad so so much and I wonder why he had to go. I just wish he did not have to die. I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that he is never coming back. My dad was only 51 and was not ready to let go of his life. It was so hard for him at the end and it is just so hard for me now.

My mom is taking part in a support group and the psychologist is very good. He was telling the group that scientists did a study on tears. They took tears from people who are grieving and people who are not grieving and those tears collected from the grieving group had a chemical present that was not present in the other group. I found this so interesting as it is proof that our bodies are not functioning like they should be- due to the loss.

I am feeling really sad whenever I go to the stores lately. I see all of the christmas things and think about how much my dad loved Christmas. It is just so so sad that he is not able to be here on Christams this year or any year. Thanksgiving is also going to be so tough for all of us..... I guess we should all just take things one day at a time and we will get through this.

I apologize for rambling on... I suppose that is what I do whenever I post! Thanks for listening! Kelly

[stansbaby]

I was just wondering if the thoughts of the funeral still haunt any of your minds. My father died suddenly and I had never seen him sick and I saw him a few days before he died and he was so healthy and attractive. The next time I saw him he was in that casket and I'll never forget the way his hands looked. And how his face looked. It is so strange to me and my mind is having a hard time thinking about all the "literal" aspects of death and the grave and all. I know his spirit is somewhere else, but I can't help but to about have a panic attack when I go to the cemetary and think of his body 6 feet under my feet. I know this is not a healthy way to think, but my mind often takes me there anyways and it hurts me so bad. It is hard to think of the person who was strongest in your life, so lifeless and helpless. Do these thoughts ever occur to any of you or am I just crazy? Thank you

[kellyoc]

My dad had cancer for four years but he was dying for 1 month. I always think of him laying in the hospice bed helpless. I see him vomiting blood all the time. I do not think you are crazy for having the images from the funeral in your mind a lot. I do the same thing only with images of my dad laying in the bed dying. I also have flashbacks of my dad taking his last breath and then his dead body in the bed. I can still see these images so vividly like it was yesterday. My dad was creamated so I don't really think of the whole sick feet under ground thing but can understand how you do. I think all of these thoughts are normal, however, so hard to deal with. I have these flashbacks all the time, everyday -especially when I don't expect it.

[jeepgirl1976]

It's amazing how many of us are feeling similar things with such a wide array of lives to celebrate.

Thoughts of dad come so switly and so unexpectedly...the other night while washing dishes alone in my apartment I was brought to my knees to realize how much my hands resemble my dad's...same shape, same long fingers, I couldn't breathe and couldn't stop the tears. Like stansbaby, I'll never forget how his hands looked in the casket. He was a mechanic, so his hands were always dirty, stained with grease, but capable of so much. I can't help to think that he deserved more, somehow. I'm not sure of what...but something.

My family and I are still waiting for the headstone to be placed at the cemetary. Visiting him is somehow hollow as I only have a plot of land to look at. Everytime I went home for a weekend, he was the first one I'd search out. That hasn't changed...every time I go "home", I stop by the cemetary first, bringing two pink roses, one for hugs & one for kisses. The first visit after the funeral, I took a pebble from the gravesite and carry with me. (corny, yes...but it works for me)

Everyone I talk to tells me it gets easier...I'll let you know when that is.

-thanks for listening...remember, there's always a shoulder here.

jeepgirl1976