Loss of a Father

August 18, 2006

Hi I missmydaddy. In the dream you said his hair was normal again. So maybe it is true when you go to heaven he is one again. No more pain, his hair is like it use to be. Maybe he was crying to that man because he was happy to be with him. Did they put him into a coma from the morphine because he was in so much pain? My dad was concious right up until the last day. Then that morning he did not wake up at all. Even if you said his name or gently shook him my mom said he would do nothing whereas the night before you could wake him and he would respond when you said his name. The day he died he only woke up once and my mom said he screamed and she ran in and he looked scared. She thinks someone was comming to get him at that moment. Then he died hours later. Like you said we will never know. My sister said yesterday she was crying wondering of my dad was happy and if he was around her and then all of a sudden on the radio a song came on from John Denver and the words said. Are you crying for me. Im always with you. Im happy. I told her that was definately a sign from my dad. My dad would have days he would act like he would get better and then days he would say im dying im not getting better. And like you and your sister we would say nothing knowing he was right. Its memories like those of the things he said at the end that are really upsetting me now. I cant wait until the day I forget the things he said. Take care. Mindy

August 19, 2006

Hey. I'm Jess. I'm 17 I really miss my daddy. I lost him june 5. He had a stroke i wasn't sleeping at home the night it happen. which i still criticize myself for. but besides that its been the hardest thing ever. I try so hard to make it through every day but i swear it gets harder everytime. Me and my daddy were really close i felt as though he was the only guy i could ever trust and would ever need. you know that daddys little girl kinda thing. i have a brother he's 16. And my mother which is taking this horribly too she was with my dad for 18 years. They were the happiest people ever. I couldn't help but be nothing but happy with them for staying together for so long now a days everyone has a broken home but on another subject. My father. I try so hard to get through this i feel like no one has any idea whats going on im sick of hearing its okay. it gets better as time goes on because its totally impossible and I sit here at night and cry. because I cant face the fact that he's really not coming home i sit here waiting for him. as if the whole thing never really happen. i miss him like crazy and i dont know what to do i feel as though i cant go to a counselor because they havent been through this and they dont know what to say but if i could find someone in the same position it would help lots so im basically just looking for someone to help me please.

August 19, 2006

Jess, I know how you feel. Everyone else goes home after the funeral and gets back to their everyday life. We can't do that. Because this was someone who absolutely can not be replaced ever! If you ever need to talk I'm here for you. This is hard, and to you it's not okay. When you lose a parent it is more of an adjustment than a getting over. Let me know if you ever need to talk!

Hey Mindy. Once again it has taken me ages to get back on here! But anyhow, I can't believe how similar our situations are! My Dad passed away on a Wednesday. On Tuesday I had taken off work to be with him. He slept the whole day, so I just helped my Mom clean and I cooked like three of Dad's favorite dishes. (Potatoe Salad, Deviled Eggs, and Hashbrown Casserole) He knew I was there because I know he woke up a time or two when I was upstairs. When I left he was asleep, so I told my Mom to tell my Dad I loved him and I would be back on Wednesday. I went to work on Wednesday, I called and checked on him and he was okay, but not having a really good day. After lunch my sister called and said he had passed on. It broke my heart. For days before he died he thought me and my daughter were at the house during the day when I was at work. I know he loved my daughter so much. Give me your email some time and I'll send you a picture of them! But it was hard knowing that I didn't kiss him again or hug him. I should have. But I didn't want to disturb his sleep. Dad was really weak like yours. He did get up a few times and he was so stubborn. They brought a wheelchair, and he made the man who brought it cry!! My Dad had a lot of pride. I'm proud of him for being so strong. But Dad wouldn't hardly eat either. Thats why I made his favorite stuff. Well, I'll talk to you soon.

August 19, 2006

I lost my father after along battle with drugs abuse, my parents divoced when I was 4 and I did see my dad every weekend, he got straight and would go back on them, my parents would get back together and everything would be great and then they would split cause of drugs abuse. I've had a hard life I've witness my dad overdose when I was about 17 years old, at the time my sister was battling with drugs also and my dad came to live with us to help my mom out with my sister but little did she know he was using too, after him fighting with my sister to got rehab, the next day came and she was going to go, well my dad came home early for work and went to the bathroom he was in there for awhile so i called his name and no answer so i got worried and then i heard something fall over and i said dad I'm coming in I walk in to see my dad on the toilet with a needle in his arm unconscience i screamed for my sister to call 911 as I did cpr cause he wasn't breathing right and the emts came and took care of him and said go outside i sat there crying praying for him to be alright the emts walked out and said erin your father is sitting up and he is ok, I went and I yelled don't ever do that to me again and I cried for hours. Soon after my dad got up he moved up to maine and became a christian and was sober I was so proud of him and my sister cause she was too, my parents still were inlove just because they divoced didn't mean they didn't love eachother it just ment my mom couldn't handle his habits, they were great friends and they talked on the phone and my dad would come down to see us every few months and I was so happy everything was great! he came to my sisters wedding and after that i didn't see him for over a year cause he had a girlfriend and he was afraid of coming down here cause of the drug problems. Well my cousin died he was only 17 years old this was s couple weeks ago he died of a rare diease, well my dad came down for the wake, he ended up going to our house and my and him went together and i met up with them shortly at the wake it was so sad, after that my dad came back to our house and i asked him to stay and we went to get some food and he stopped at the packy for some beer for him and my sister, and he told me he had a suprise for me and I had to wait till we got home to see it, we got back he was on the phone with someone for awhile and then my mom and sister got home and perviously 2 days later my sister and dad had fought about her not having a job and not helping out at home casue my mom was getting angry about it and so my sister came up stair and my dad said hey lisa and she was being rude towards him s he got up and followed her upstairs and they talked for hours and they made up and we were all having a great time and then my boy came home and my dad finally showed me my suprise it was scratch tickets since I dont' drink he got me those and he got my boyfriend so alch, he talked to my boyfriend for hours cause i told my boyfirend how great my dad was and how he was such a positive person and my boyfriend comes up stairs and goes your dad is the nicest guy you weren't lying he told he never talked with an older person like that before. Well the next morning was the funeral for my cousin we all went as a family and it was great... and then we went to the reception for my cousin after we all ate and talked we had alot of fun, and then we went home and my dad took a nap and he was snoring of course and then he came up and said alright I'm leaving to go to grams to stay for the night so I was like alright and he said I love you and gave me a kiss and hug and he did the same for my mom told her i love you and he left I saw him driving away, the next morning my woke me up to tell me some bad news and said my dad had died, I didn't want to know why or how i was just freaked out i told her i can't go to his funeral or wake cause I was so so upset i didn't want to believe he was gone i just had saw him. my family came over and it was just so hard i cried and cried in disbelief. well the wake came and my sisters were mad at me cause I wouldn't go I couldn't see my father like that dead I didn't want to remmeber him like that I wanted to remember him the way I did when I last saw him, but I did go and i'm glad I did but I wouldn't go inside but my friends were there and I swear if they weren't I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Well for some reason on the funeral day I felt at peace that I knew my dad was with me in spirit I felt him and I swear he gave me the courage to go to the funeral, I did cry and my sisters did and my mom and my grandma and that was the hardest part seeing them like that. Well I finally got the courage to find out what happened I heard some of the story and it sounded like he died from natural causes btu I was wrong, I guess he never went to my grammys house he ended up parking his car at a post office in the town he was from and i guess some how he got up to NH and I live in masss near the line from NH and I guess he was staying at someone's house and he died in bed but there was herion in the house, and you know what the person he wa talking to on the phone was the person house he was at, we still don't know if had something to do with drugs were waiting for his results but were pretty sure he Over dosed once again and he was unlucky this time. His girlfriend is feeling much guilt right now cause he wanted her to go down with him cause he was afraid of coming down by himself afraid he would do somethng like he did and I feel so bad for her and then again I'm furious at her but that won't get him back. So my dad lost the war to drugs. When I found this house I was so upset at him and the weird things is I felt him with me saying I'm so sorry I didn't mean for this to happen, honest to god I felt him saying that I could even picture it him putting his arms around me. I know he's here with me I now believe in what people say the body dies but the spirit remains, cause all that happened last weekend him coming to see us and calling us saying things like he almost knew his time had come, and stayed with us his last night, it was almost like god planned this so we could say goodbye and that's why believe he still here I just feel him around me and I hope I always feel that, cause now he isn't battling with the addiction he's at peace with himself an dnow he can see us all he wants, I know he'll be there for my wedding and when I have my kids I know it! To everyone that lost a parents on there, they are still with you, just because there are not there in body they are here in spirit and soul, your body is just a temporary home and when the bodys gives out it dies but the soul never does! So when your feeling sad and miss them just remember they are still here and talk to them let them know you love them and you know they are there I never believed in that until this happened and now I totally believe it! my dad was only 47 even though he had his problems he was great man and he was loved by everyone not one person he met didn't like him and he loved his family but sometimes addiction is just to strong but all in all I would never trade my father for anyone! rest in peace daddy

August 22, 2006

My name is Michelle and yesterday was the 1st anniversary of my father's death. I feel like I'm lost all over again. His pancreatic cancer came in the middle of a my marriage coming to an end and a move. I flew from Maine to Atlanta 3 times last summer. First trip was the day he was having his surgery. I got there as he was coming back to his room. He opened his arms and said I was beautiful. The next day he asked me to stay with him in the hospital. For the next 4 weeks I slept in a recliner by his side. Twice during that time he came close to death. But he fought back each time and was discharged to home hospice with a 2-3 month prognosis. I came back to Maine and made the move into a new home which had an apartment. The plan was to have him come stay with me. He never made it. I flew back 3 weeks later and stayed by his side again for another 10 days. He was nothing but skin and bones. He was determined to live and was sure all the doctors were wrong. I cried constantly and could not sleep. I wanted him to die to be out of his pain and yet I wanted him to live. He would report angels in his room and seeing those who had gone on before and then say he was going to get better. What I wanted more than anything was to be with him when he died. I was afraid to leave his side. I planned his funeral, I picked out his coffin. Meanwhile my husband with personality disorder was caring for my two young children 1400 miles away. I had to make a choice between who to be with and so I put him into a hospice and came back home. I said goodbye knowing that I would never see him alive again. He died 5 days later with hospice nurses at his side. My brothers were not with him. One was in Florida, another in North Carolina and the 2 who lived in town were the ones who spent the least time there at his side. So he died with strangers by his side. I can't let go of the guilt and dissapointment of not being there at the end. I miss him terribly. I heard him tell people prior to his death over and over again that I was his angel of mercy. Nurses would come in the room and he would tell them how our relationship was special because I was his only daughter. I wanted to be with him holidng his hand when he took his last breath. I want him to be here now.

August 23, 2006

Jess,

Our situations seem to be very similar. I was 20 years old when my dad died on December 15th of this year. It was very sudden, he died in his sleep of a heart attack. These last eight months have been the hardest I have ever had to go through, and I still now find myslef struggling to get through each day. I was very close to my father, and it kills me that he is no longer here with me. I know that you feel guilty about not being at your house the night your father died, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. You can't let yourself feel guilty about things that you had no control over. I was the one that came home and found my dad after he passed away, and it has been a terrifying and troubling moment that I constantly replay in my head. I can't seem to get that image out of my head, and it almost kills me everytime I think about it, but I know that there was a reason that I was the one that found him. I think that I have been able to handle it much better than my mother or either of my sisters would have. My parents were still married as well, and had just celebrated their 30th anniversary. I can still see my mother collapsing on the front lawn when she came home and realized what was actually going on. It is a day that will stay freshly imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I'm not going to tell you that it gets better, because it doesn't, but you eventually learn to live with what has happened. You eventually accept it, and you try your best to continue living your life, because you know thats what your dad would have wanted. I am always here to talk if you ever need some one.

I hope you are doing well..

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Until next time..

Christine

August 23, 2006

Hi Michelle. My dad died from pancreatic cancer too. It's a terrible thing to have to watch. Fortunately, I was with him when God took him home. My dad has been gone for 16 months now. Sometimes, it seems like yesterday, other times seems like years. How long did he have the cancer and how old was he? My dad never had any surgery; just for other medical problems. My dad was 57 when he died and lived about 6 months from going to the doctor. It hits me some days that I will never see, talk, or touch him again. I am expecting my second baby in April, which will be right around the 2 year anniversary of him passing away. I know he knows, but I still wish he was here to make fun of me again getting a belly. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jess-I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing my dad at 17. I was 22 when my dad died. Time doesn't heal, but it will allow you to recognize the things that happened and what will not happen. Talking about it definitely helped me. Hang in there!

Mindy and Mandy- hope you all are doing well. Mandy-I hopr your little girl's party goes well this weekend. I will be thinking about you.

Keep in touch-imissdaddy

August 23, 2006

My father was 70 years old. He had been complaining for some time about discomfort. He went into the hospital in early June, had surgery 3 days after being admitted. They removed some of the cancer but it was so far gone. He died in August. It was awful to watch. He fought so hard to stay alive which made it even harder for the rest of us.

I understand how you feel about your children not knowing your father. We had moved 6 years ago and my boys were 3 and 10 months at the time. They both loved their grandfather. My dad came to visit here and we were there a few times in those 6 years. But the distance means that their awareness of him was less than it would have been and now they won't be able to know him more. They are missing out on one of the most colorful, unique people who ever lived.

August 25, 2006

hi everyone, this is my first time here, i am still in the process of watching my dad die, i sometimes feel like im dreaming, he is only 63 and has lung cancer the doctors have done everything they can for him, and i thought back in feb when they only gave him 6 weeks was bad, after all this time he has fought so hard and here we go again 6-8 weeks to live! i feel like its my child dying for some reason! i want to just hug him and pretend he will be ok... after reading some of your stories i realize now that i half to really hold on to him because like many of you i keep pretending ill wake up and life will be back to normal, but i guess it will never be again. i am sorry for all of you who has lost there dad!i cannot stop and think what life will be without him, but through the strenght of friends and our children we will get through this ... and i pray i will stop crying sometime soon!!! i have agen 10 years in just 6 months! like alot of you i stand and watch my 3 daughters interact with dad and it tears my guts out to think he will not be here in a few weeks to teach them how to drive and pick them up from school.. my tears are for everyone today! god bless all of us and i pray god will take my dad quickly!im glad i discovered this site! i hope it helps all of us! marylou

August 25, 2006

liska, i am new to this site, but i have spent the better part of the night reading everyones stories, i have cried more tears than any person should cry, but i know how you feel, my hubby travel and since my dad got sick i am terrified that i am going to loose my husband too! i never used to feel like this , but its like my dad is going to be gone soon and i have stupid , crazy thoughts that what if my husband dies too i wont have anyone and i am 41 and i have lupus and am raising 2 more daughters 1 is in college but the other 2 are still at home and i just freak out now! honestly i have never been concerened about him, well i mean when traveling but now i am just crazy when hes gone! and i have alawys been independent and was a single mom for quite a few years and it never occured to me i may not have my dad around to help me .. now hes dying and my new hubby is very healthy but i find myself clinging to him like a 2 year old ! i really hope i will get past this because i dont like feeling so needy! well i guess your story really struck home and i hope this will pass for all of us who feel this way!! good luck and i hope the pain is fading for you! ml

August 25, 2006

This is my first post so I'm sorry if its long-winded. I'm 24 and originally from Chicago but live in NY. The first time I wanted to move to NY, in 2003 the job that I had applied for didn't pan out. Thank God for that because my mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but she didn't want to tell me until I found out the results of the interview. My father was petrified. When she had her surgery, he cried in her room. It was only the 2nd time I saw my father cry (he cried one time before that - when his mother passed away). After surgery and radiation she has been in remission. I never thought for a moment that she wouldn't make it. She's strong and stubborn.
I ended up moving to NY in October of 2004. My fiance lived there and had a career so I made the move. I missed my friends and my mom but I was at a loss for how I felt without my dad. He was there for me everyday after school, we cooked together, grocery shopped togethe, we did everything together.
He was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in December and I was flying out to be with him and my mom. During this time, my fiancee's father was going through his 2nd surgery for lung cancer. He beat stage IV cancer almost 8 years prior, and it came back. I was with my father-in-law and then went to home to be with my dad.
The surgery was a success. However he developed a fever that wouldn't subside. He got transferred to another hospital for tests. I had to go back to NY to work. My mom called me to tell me that it was cancer. They found colon cancer that had spread to the liver. I couldn't stop crying. I was inconsolable. THe doctors were confident in the treatment plan - chemotherapy immediately. I called my father and told him that I would move back to CHicago immediately. He said no way. He told me to look after my fiancee and that he was fine. He was doing so well, the chemo took a number on him, plus he was doing physical therapy for his knees. He never complained. That was my father - strong, loving and a fighter. He said that I neeeded to continue with the wedding plans b/c that was what got him through the grueling physical therapy. His dreams of dancing at my wedding. In the meanwhile, my fiancee's father was doing poorly. He stopped chemo in May because he couldn't handle it anymore. The doctors gave him 3 months max.
Between father being sick, John, my fiancee's being terminal, and our wedding plans I was exhausted. I travelled to see my dad as often as I could. We talked everyday. Then came our wedding.
Thank God that both of our fathers held on to make it. The wedding was August 20th. It was the most amazing day of our lives. This was the 3rd time I saw my father cry. After the wedding, both went down hill. My father had switched chemotherapy regimens, and the new one not only wiped him out, it wasn't effective. We didn't know how uneffective it was until Thanksgiving.
His brother and sister flew in from Greece becasue he wanted to see them. My aunt told me, after he passed, that he was not aware that he was so close to death. He was tlaking about visiting them the next summer. When I saw my dad, I cried for 2 hours. He became a skeleton of what he once was. He told me not to cry and that he would be fine. I went back to NY, thinking that all was well. On the Monday before he died, I spoke to his oncologist that said for me to stay in NY and not to rush back. He said all would be fine. THat Wednesday evening, the oncologist told my mom that I needed to come right away. John and I flew in on Thursday morning and stayed with him until Saturday. He wasn't able to communicate and he was so heavily medicated that all I could do was sit next to him, holding his hand and kissing him. Saturday night we went hom when my mom said to get rest. She also was exhausted and came home around 2AM. Around 5AM, December 11th he died. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for letting him die alone.
My father-in-law then passed on Februrary 16th. Instead of enjoying our first year as a wedded couple, we are in mourning. We fight all the time, for no reason except that we are in such emotional pain from our losses. I can't sleep, I can't think, I feel so empty. It seems to have gotten progressively worse in the past month. I'll be ok, and then it hits me "my dad died, I'll never see him or talk to him agan." I am at my wit's end. Is this normal, does it really ever get better?
Please help, as the depression is horrific.

August 25, 2006

hey girl, i just cannot imagine living through all of that1 i hope your depression has passed! this is my first time here so all of your stories makes this so real and i dont know how i will get through this.. my dad like many of yours is my best friend and sitting along side of him when the doctors told us he only had 6-8 weeks to live i felt my life slip away for a few brief moments, but i do have children so i must go on! so bless you all who have been through this and i know god will help us to heal in time! take care ml

August 30, 2006

Hi everyone. I am new to this site so please bear with me. I lost my dad six year's ago when I was 24. I know that seems like a long time compared to what I have read from many of you, but I can remember everything still to this day. He died within in a week of surgery for a hernia. I wasn't there either when he died. My mom was staying with him at the hospital and he "coded" in front of her. I think of him all the time, and I have dreams about him still to this day. My husband's father is still alive and well, so he does not understand either. (and no, I am glad he doesn't yet) I am an only child and it is hard to talk to my mom about this. I guess I don't want to add to her "mental load". Just looking for advice.

August 30, 2006

Dear Marylou. I feel for what your going through right now. I just lost my dad to colon cancer 2 months ago and It was the hardest thing I ever had to watch. To watch him get weaker and weaker and be so scared. The sleepless nights when I slept over to take care of him. I use to stay up with him all night and rub his feet. I couldnt sleep becasue I could hear him moaning in the other room all night and I would feel so anxious I just stayed up. The sick stomach everytime I went to visit him wondering how much worse is he going to look as I walk through the door. The guilt of praying to god to please take him so he and I dont have to suffer anymore. Im so sorry you have to go though this. All I can say is be there for him. As hard as it is to watch him pass on, you will be happy you spent the last days with him. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me at pips10@verizon.net. Mindy

September 7, 2006

I lost my dad August 7th of 2006 and I feel so lost in life and everyday events...I wake up and take my three kids to school but from 7:45 until 2 pm I think of my dad and wonder if he was still here what we could do or say together..I hate that it was ME who took him to the emergency room that July 23rd day and it was me,all me...It was me...i am sadden that not only was my dad told he had cancer but my mom was told July 9th and it was her we were all so worry about...i wish I had my dad back and I can't see enjoying life again...How I miss him...

September 7, 2006

Today marks 3 months that I lost my 51 year old father..suddenly...unexpectedly...no warning. He died while he was jogging at the beach while we were on vacation. Dad was a very athletic man. Most thought he was only 40. Very attractive. He ate all the right things. He went to the doctor regularly. He was very vain about being healthy. And then...boom....in an instant he died of sudden cardiac arrest. He had just had a normal EKG with his yearly physical. This hit us like a brick. I miss him so much. He was my very best friend. I am 27 years old, and I feel like a lost child yearning for my dad. How your life can change in a blink of an eye. We had such an awesome tight knit family and now, it seems so crazy. My mom and him were married since they were 16. Imagine driving home from our vacation with my dads body left down there in that hospital. It hurts so bad. So So very bad.

September 7, 2006

I am sorry you lost your dad also,iknow even though I am 39 I feel lost without my dad also...you can e mail if you like Princessdss32aol.com anytime

September 8, 2006

It's been 3 years for me..and still very painful. I understand how it feels to be so lost without your dad. I don't know anyone else who has lost their dad; it would be nice to relate to someone.

Monika

September 12, 2006

hi mindy and everyone else,i was new to the site a few weeks ago and i cannot tell all of you how much reading about your moms and dads have touched me.. i never thought i had so many tears in my head.. well bad news i lost dad last sunday morning, i was only expecting to have ems pick him up long enough to get his pain under control a,d 30 minutes i was begging him to stay.. the dr. remimded me he could hear me so the hardest thing i have ever done was kiss him and run my fake nails through what was left of his hair ( he loved me to do that) and tell him grandamaw was waiting for him and it was ok to go see her! then all of the sudden hes beautiful blue eyes just stared at the ceiling and he took his last breath.. no one can ever prepare you for the gut wrenching grief that wracked my insides.. leaving him was torture.. its been 8 days now and i have just picked up his ashes and am i gross for looking at them? well trust me for all of you others that want to look but cant it just dosent seem real my dads in a jar! not sure if i like the cremation idea or not.. but i sure hope like gets a little easier for all of us!! marylou

September 12, 2006

hi again! i have a question for anyone who spent time with our dads befor they passed! i need to know something, i am 41 and was the closest person to my dad his wife of 3 weeks after he was diagnoised.. i am wondering if your dads discussed anything with you, my step mom said my dad and her talked about what he wanted after wards but he would never talk to me. he told me one time he didnt want creameted, but my cheap step mother i think talked him into it for that reason, and i just wish he would of said lucy are you going to be ok after i die? never once did he ask me!!!! but he always said i have to make sure his wife and her 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER will be taken care of! and he actually asked me to make sure they had everything they needed!! i suppose i feel a little pissed! i am the only one who really loved him! she married him after he lost 30 lbs and it was pretty evident he was sick and the 16 year olds boyfriend came into my dadas house and took his work boots and half of his clothing befor he even died and my dad knew this but still i feel like i will always be put second to all of his past wives and their kids now remember i am 41 and have cared for him my whole life and i feel like he was never concerened about how i was going to deal with his death and did he ask anyone to look after me?? i dont want to be angry anymore!! because i know in my heart my love was not controled by his insurance policy... but genuine love i guess i am not sure he lived me as much as i loved him... thats hard to swallow.. but i guess i will learn to live with it.. marylou

September 15, 2006

Hi my name is Britny Ellis I am 15. On may 11th 2006 my dad passed away of lung cancer. Once we found out hwe only lived 4 months. It's hard. I cry al the time. I don't know how to go on he was my best friend what do i do to cope with this.

Signed,

Britny Ellis

15 of Lake Charles Louisiana

September 15, 2006

Today is exactly nine months since my dad died, and it's been one of the hardest days I have had in months. It's been raining like crazy where I live, and bad weather always makes me feel much more sad than I already am. I went to the diner with my sisters and my mom tonight for dinner, and started to get so depressed and started to have such bad anxiety that I had to leave before I even finished eating. All I feel like doing right now is getting into my bed, and not coming out for a few days. I need a break from everything right now. I am so sick of being strong all the time.I have been keeping it together for nine months now, and I can feel myself coming completely undone. I feel like I have been trying to be strong for everyone else, and I've helped everyone else when they completely lost it, and now I feel like its my turn to say I've had enough. I know this porbably isn't making much sense, because I can't even comprehend what I am feeling right now, and it is really difficult for me to explain these feelings to other people. Has anyone else ever felt like this??

Im gonna go take a bath and get into bad..

Until next time..

Christine

September 16, 2006

I too have lost my dad and am so sad! My dad died in May of colon cancer and I can't seem to stop thinking of the horrible events that were his final weeks of life. My dad was sick for four years but always had an amazingly positive attitude. He rarely let the cancer bring him down. Even when he was home under hospice care and knew he was going to die he did not complain, he was just so happy to be home with his family. My dad always put his family first. He was an amazing father and husband. My parents were best friends and did EVERYTHING together. When my dad was diagnosed four years ago my mom stopped working to spend every minute she could with him. I am 27 and am 1 of 6 children. My youngest sisters are 14 and 16 and I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. I worry about my mom and my siblings. I think of my dad every single morning when I wake up and every night before bed. I still cannot believe he is really not coming back. I cry often but do feel better after a good cry! I feel like other people don't really know how I am feeling. Coworkers, friends, etc. think my dad died 4 months ago and I should be better by now but that is totally not the case. I can relate to so many of yor posts and feel fortunate that many of you know how am feeling! Thnaks for listening! Kelly

September 17, 2006

Hi Kelly, my dad has been gone for 3 months now and I know what you mean about the last weeks of his life. People say its just as hard to lose someone quickly then it is to cancer and from experience I do not beleive that. I cant get the images of my dad out of my head of him suffering on that couch, the pain, the confusion, the scared looks, staying up with him all night to rub his feet because he was so scared. I can only imagine what they where thinking knowing they had only weeks to live. It great your dad was happier to the end. My dad cried alot when he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. He lived for 15 months afterwards. He did good for 12 months while treatments but then it spread to his lungs and they started to fill with fluid and that was the beginning of the end. He was never happy. He was happy to die at home but he was so sad and moaned and cried alot and it was hard to bear. He was mean to my mom right up until the end and I only wish he could of said one good thing to her before he died. They just had that type of marriage that they yelled alot to each other. But I would think when he was dying he could of said one good thing before he left. I dont care what people say but I know the first year is the hardest, the birthdays he will miss, the first christmas and thanksgiving without them will be so hard. A day does not go by that I dont think of him and I think of him often throughout the day. I cant wait until the images of his last days get out of my head. My girlfreinds mom died of lung cancer and she said the last days fade away and the good memories of them will come back. I hope soon. Hang in there, Mindy

September 17, 2006

TO ALL ON BEYOND INDIGO..WE ALL HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON .........WE HAVE LOST SOMEONE WE LOVE VERY MUCH..............WE ARE ALL SUFFERING AND HURTING...I AM SORRY FOR ALL OF YOU....I PRAY FOR ALL ON BEYOND INDIGO EVERYDAY.............ONE THING WE ALL HOPEFULLY LEARN FROM OUR LOSS HOW VERY PRECIOUS TIME IS AND HOW WE NEED TO SPEND EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE ...OUR....LAST...WE NEED TO TREAT OTHERS.THE WAY WE WANT TO BE TREATED AND IF OTHERS ARE NOT TREATING US WELL.............WE NEED TO MOVE ON TO SOMEONE WHO DOES.........I DONT KNOW WHY PEOPLE DROP US WHEN WE LOSE A LOVED ONE..ARE THEY AFRAID IF THEY TALK TO US..THIER LOVED ONE WILL DIE..........I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THAT IS NOT PART OF THE PROBLEM..I KNOW MANY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE AND AFRAID THEY WILL SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE US SAD..

WE JUST WISH PEOPLE WOULD TALK TO US ABOUT OUR LOVED ONE INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED AND AVOIDING THE MENTION OF THEIR NAME.................DONT THEY REALIZE...............WE NEED TO AND WANT TO TALK ABOUT OUR LOVED ONES.......IT KEEPS US CONNECTED...............

I HOPE ALL OF YOU HAVE A SIGN ,,A DREAM OR A VISIT FROM YOUR LOVED ONE....I HAD ABOUT GIVEN UP ..I PRAYED EVERYDAY TO DREAM OF ,,,HAVE A VISIT FROM OR HAVE A SIGN FROM MY SON WHO DIED AT AGE 27 OF CANCER AFTER A 6 YEAR BATTLE...FRI AM...I DID DREAM OF HIM...I AM NOT SURE IF IT WAS A DREAM OR A VISIT...HE WALKED IN MY BEDROOM DOOR ..I WAS GOING THRU HIS STUFF ALONG WITH MY SISTER AND MY MOM WHO HAD PASSED 10 YEARS AGO...................I THOUGHT NOTHING OF IT..AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT HIT ME................I RAN AND HUGGED HIM SO TIGHT..HE SAID HI MOM ..KISSED ME AND I COULD FEEL HIS HEARTBEAT...HE HAD SHORTS AND TANK TOP ON WHICH HE WORE ALOT.. ..I TOLD HIM I HAD PRAYED GOD WOULD ALLOW HIM TO COME IN MY DREAMS AND I WOULD REMEMBER THEM...,,,GIVE ME A SIGN HE WAS NEAR OR A VISIT...FROM HIM.......................IT WAS 15 MONTHS...I TOLD MY SON THAT......................I WAS CRYING SO HARD I LOST MY BREATH...I HAD TO BACK OF A FEW INCHES AND WHEN I DID............HE DISAPPEARED...............................I WOKE UP TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY CHEEKS...IT WAS A BITTER SWEET WHAT EVER IT WAS A DREAM OR VISIT..I WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY HEAR FROM HIM.

SO ALL OF YOU...........DONT GIVE UP....THEY WILL COME IN TIME..IT MAY BE A WHILE......I HOPE YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES CAN TALK TO EACH OF YOU AND REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH WE NEED THEM ESPECIALLY NOW...

I WILLL BE GLAD TO TALK WITH ANYONE AND TRY TO MAKE YOUR DAY A BETTER ONE

MESSENGER

September 17, 2006

I lost my father 1 year ago, and it still feels like it happened yesterday. My father died very suddenly, we never even expected it. He had a seziure and stopped breathing. and not only that but me and my mother were there and i had to help my mother give him cpr. It was terrible i basically saw my father die, and not only did i see him die but he died on my birthday. It has been very hard for me to deal with this, because i dont know many people who can really relate to me and who doesn't mind me talking about it. because when i talk about it i sort of feel a little bit better. Jenna

September 20, 2006

My father passed away Sep. 14 This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. He had prostate cancer and fought for 4 years. I'm glad he's no longer in pain. He suffered a lot throughout the last 4 years of his life. He also suffered until the last second of his life. I saw him struggle to breathe and then pass away. I cant get that memory out of my head. I just miss him and I hurt for my mom. She feels lost without her best friend. They were married for 33 years.

September 20, 2006

My Daddy turned 70 on September 9th. I talked to him twice every day. On Tuesday, 9/12/06, I talked to him at lunch with a promise to call him that night after I finished dinner. During dinner, my brother called to tell me that Daddy had died. A blood clot went to his brain, killing him instantly. I can\'t even begin to describe the emotions I\'m feeling. I\'m sad, hurt, angry, lonely..it\'s awful. My Daddy was my life. He\'d been in a wheelchair since 1980 but still loved to talk. We were excited about the new football season. How do I get beyond this hurt I feel. I cry all the time and can\'t seem to pick myself up. I've begged God to let Daddy come talk to me, to let me see his face again. I've begged Him to let Daddy be my guardian angel. I need something.....anything.

September 20, 2006

Mindy,

It is nice to hear from you- you seem to really have a lot of the same feelings coming up! I also think about what my dad must have been going through knowing that he was going to die. I feel so bad for him. I wish he never had to go through the end of life knowing it was the end. He was so scared to leave his family. I too stayed up many nights the last few weeks of my dad's life. I slept on the couch while he slept in the bed in the same room. My family is all in NY but I live in Baltimore. I just happened to be at my parents house the night my dad started to vomit blood. I was able to take off from work for three months and then I had the summer off. I feel so fortunate that I was able to be there and spend so much time with my dad while I could. It was really, really hard, though. Of course, I would do it again in a second if it would bring my dad back! I am so sorry to hear about the way your dad treated your mom at the end of his life. Maybe he was just full of so much fear that he was eacting in a negative way? I am sure it must be difficult for her as it is so hard for my mom. I am also anticipating really sad and hard holidays. Thanksgiving is going to be tough. Christmas will be so hard as my dad loved this holiday, especially the music. I have been really trying to take it one day at a time and think about how lucky I was to have such an amazing father for 27 years. Kelly

September 20, 2006

Just like Mariposa,this time in my life has been the hardest time for me too. My dad was also sick for 4 years. I also saw my dad die. My mom, grandmother, 2 brothers, and 3 sisters were all standing besides my dad's bed when he took his last breathe.Right after my dad died he seemed to have a peaceful look on his face almost as if he was at ease. Because my dad had developed a condition that was causing him to vomit blood and the doctors could not stop the bleeding he knew that he was going to die sometime soon. My dad was able to say good bye to each of us. My dad told my 14 and 16 year old sisters that when he dies and they feel sad go to the back yard and look for a cardinal. Well, my dad passed away at 4:19 pm and at 4:20 we hard a bird singing in the backyard. We went to the window and there was a beautiful bright red cardinal sitting on the wire for about 10 minutes. It was such an incredible thing. My little sisters really felt like dad was with them. I miss my dad so so much and I really feel for my mom and sisters and brothers.

September 20, 2006

Hi Kelly, its so funny what you said about the cardinal because when my dad was dying my sister asked what bird he will come back as and he said a Dove. Well the day after he died I went to the Cape to be with my mom and when I looked out on their deck there was a Dove sitting on the deck. Thats where my dad always sat to be in the sun. I do believe it was him saying hello. Im sorry you lost your dad. Its such a hard thing to deal with. I only hope in time the pain eases. Mindy

September 20, 2006

Hi Kelly, I noticed you said your dad died of colon cancer. Im curious what took him at the end. My dad had a recurrance in his abdomon and in his lungs. he did well on chemo for 1 year and then his lungs started to fill up with fluid and that was the beginning of the end. So I believe what took him was the lungs filling with fluid due to the cancer. Did your dads go to his liver? Thats where it usually goes from the colon. But my dads went to the lungs. How long did he liver after being diagnosed with stage 4. My dad has stage 3 for 2 1/2 years and then it came back and he was at stage 4 for 15 months before it took his life. Im just curious to see how other people die from colon cancer. Thanks Mindy

September 20, 2006

Hi Mindy!

My dad had stage 3 ( a tumor found in his colon) for 1 year. Then he had mets to his liver. He had at least 13 tumors and was stage 4 for three years. In January he was bleeding internally because his liver had gotten so bad that he developed varices. Varices are found at the bottom of the esophagus. They are like varicose veins in the esophogus. They develop when the liver is unable to function properly and cause the blood flow to back up. The varices are fragile and can burst. When they burst they cause internal bleeding. My dad was in the hospital for about a week in January and the doctors were able to stop the bleeding. Then in April (two days before my dad, mom and younger siblings were supposed to go on a spring break vacation to orlando) my dad began to vomit blood. When we finally convinced him to go to the hospital (he wanted to go on vacation) we found out that the liver was shutting down and there was now more varices. The varices were bleeding and there was not much they could do to stop the varices from bleeding. The dr.'s did do a few procedures and blood transfusions but that was not stopping the bleeding. My dad was in the hospital for a week and came home on Easter Sunday. We wanted to be able to have on more holiday together. Two days after easter he vomited more blood and had to go back to the hospital for about a week. He really wanted to be home at this point as he knew he was going to die. It was so freightening to bring him home because he was vomiting buckets full of blood but we wanted him to be home and we were willing to take care of him. It was so difficult watching him but at the same time we had three weeks of quality time together (although he was very very sick and in a bed in the middle of the living room). My dad last spoke to us on mother's day. The day after Mother's day the hospice nurse came and told us he would be gone within the day. That was a Monday and he lived until Thursday. He was not able to communicate with us the last four days except to tell us he was in terrible pain. We suspect his arm was hurting because the cancer spread to his bones. He was on SO SO much morphine (thanks to us knowing how to work the pump the hospice nurses were so conservative and did not want to give much pain medicine) that he was free of pain most of the time the last few days, at least we hope. I am sorry I am rambling on.... I guess I needed to get that all out! Have a wonderful night! Kelly

September 20, 2006

Mindy

I just read your post about the dove. Wow- that is awesome. The week after my dad died my mom and my siblings and I went to Orlando. My dad promised my sisters that they would still go on their vacation that they had missed when he started getting really sick. When we were at the pool in Florida a cardinal came to the tree near the pool everyday. It was so amazing! I know it is so hard and we really need to take it day by day. Thank you for your support! Kelly

September 20, 2006

I'm new to this site... and I promised someone very dear to me I'd do something to talk to people about this. So this is what I'm doing. I just lost my father 3 weeks ago yesterday. This is so hard for me to deal with. I still wake up from nightmares of it all. I still feel like the entire thing I'm going through is a nightmare. I'm only 17 years old, and I had to come home from school to find him dead. Of course I had to be home alone at the time, and was suppossed to be on my way to work, but I stopped by the house first. The entire situation I'm still finding it hard to accept. I'm still feeling like he's going to walk in the door any second and tell me the whole thing is a joke. We always played jokes on eachother. But I know in my head it's not a joke. He's really gone. We've had the services. We've done a lot. He's still gone, and I still can't accept it. I'm still hiding from everyone around me. I'm still pretending I'm okay, and that nothing is wrong. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I'm not me anymore, and that I have to pretend to be okay to help my mother and siblings through. I feel like I have to be the strong one, because they can't be. I don't know, I know I need help, and need to talk. So I'm leaving you all with this, and if you could please help me, and just give me some advice, or anything, I'd be so grateful. I'm so lost right now, and it feels like nothing can ever go right, and it's just one bad thing after another.

September 20, 2006

Guest,

I just read your post, and it really hit home for me. Our situations are very similar and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. My dad died in December, so I am a little bit ahead of you in the grieving process, and I would be more than happy to help you with the ups and downs of this significant loss. My dad died very suddenly as well, and I was also the person that came home and found him. It was the most terrifying experience of my life, and I know that I will never be able to fully get that image out of my head. Losing someone so suddenly is such a difficult situation to be in. There is no warning of what is going to happen, and then suddenly within seconds your entire life has changed forever, and you were given no time to prepare for it. I was only 20 when my father passed away, so I know how it feels to know that your father won't be there to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day, he won't be there to meet his grandchildren. I feel like I have been robbed of all of those special moments. Right after my dad passed away, I didn't leave my house or talk to anyone. I didn't want to really face what was going on, so instead I closed myself off to the people around me. I found this board to be very comforting and really theraputic. You're able to talk to people who are going through the same thing as you, but you don't have to really deel with the emotions of having a face to face, serious conversation with some one you know. I know it seems so incredibly hard to believe right now, but it does get easier. It never goes away completely, but it does get easier to deal with. It took me a long time, but I am finally able to talk about the happy memories I have of my father, and genuinely smile.

I hope you are doing well. I am always here is you need someone..

Until next time..

Christine

September 21, 2006

I don't know why it said I was guest earlier. but this is me. Thanks for saying that... it seems like everyone says it will get easier, but to me it seems to just get worse. I can't accept it yet, and I don't even know how to help myself. That is something I'm not used to. I'm used to being in control of what happens to me, and certain things around me. This is such a tramatic experierence for me. It isn't the first time I've lost someone close to me. When I was 12 I also lost my sister to drugs, and the stupidity of her friends for not helping her before it was to late. When I found him there coming home, I didn't know what to do. I froze up. Then I just called 911, and then my mother to tell her to come home. I wouldn't call my brother though. not until I calmed down, because I didn't want him to see what I saw. When I found my father he was laying in bed, with his arm hanging off, and it was entirely black... not at first but it slowly turned more and more black, while waiting for help, I sat there crying watching his color change, knowing it was too late to do anyhting to help him. Thinking... just what if I didn't leave that morning, what if I did something different. Would he still be alive? We still don't even know his cause of death. It's been 3 weeks and we still don't even know. He wasn't even sick. He was perfectly normal. He wasn't sick, he was out with us. We just got back from a family vacation a week or so before. He just had his 44th birthday. Everything was normal, and not my entire life is turned upside down. I've missed so much school, my doctor put me on anti-depressents, and I'm trying to go through life like normal. Nothing is normal anymore. Nothing seems to make anything better. I hate being with people, I feel like all they do is feel bad for me. Feel bad for what I'm going through. Those words how are you.. and I'm so sorry now seem to make me sick. I just can't stand hearing them anymore. People I've hardly talked to, and people who didnt even know me were coming up to me, and acting like they knew what I was going through. They have no clue. Nobody is in my mind. Nobody can really see how I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I don't even know what to do with myself. Reality is just a halucination of people living it. Everyone sees things differently. How did you manage to get your life back in order? How did you become normal again? How are you able to genuinely smile. As it is right now, I put on a smile, and I laugh, and I pretend everything is alright, when in reality I cry myself to sleep everynight only to wake up in more tears, and thats only If I manage to fall asleep in the first place. Half the time I lay awake all night, then go through the next day without sleeping, work and school and everything. I've lost 10 pounds already from it all too. I just need to know how you got through? How did you manage to accept what happened? How can I stop the nightmares? How can I get through life, and actually be happy with it instead of pretending? I just want to be normal. I want my life to be normal!!!

September 22, 2006

Hi Kelley, I guess what takes them at the end is complications from the cancer. I always wondered what would take him. I guess my dads lungs stoped functioning from the cancer and your dads liver stoped functioning from the cancer. Thats great that he lived for three years at stage 4. I always thought with stage 4 your gone within months. I guess with the new treatments you can live longer. I regret that my dad have to suffer so much at the end. He would ask me how he would die and I told him not to worry when it gets to that point he wont suffer because he will be on so much pain meds. But unfortunately we didnt get the pain under control until the last few weeks of his life. My mom didnt call hospice because his dr kept sending him home to recover from the lungs filling up. He could of recevied more chemo but he never recovered when his lungs filled up. The dr never said there is nothing more we can do so my mom and sisters and dad still had hope. But I knew it was the end. Your dad seemed to suffer to. That must of been scary for you to see the blood. I couldnt take care of my dad at the end. My older sister gave him his baths and put him on the toliet and eventually helped him pee in a cup at the end. I just could not do that part. I was there for support and held his hand and sang to him. I was not there for his last breath. My whole family was but I just could not do it. He was uncouncious the whole day. My mom told him at 1:45 am I could not come because I was taken care of the baby and at 1:55 he died. I woke up exactly at 1:55, it was like he came to say goodbye to me and my daughter. Well got to go to bed now im rambling. Mindy

September 22, 2006

Hi roxygirl. I know what you mean about people acting like they understand. Or sometimes, from my experience, like after awhile, it never happened. I was 22 when my dad died from pancreatic cancer, and married with a baby. Sometimes, I feel guilty and wonder "only if I would've still lived at home." But now I understand that God wanted my father to see at least one of my kids. I can't imagine being in high school and going through that. It is a tough thing to deal with, at any age. My dad only lived for 6 months after being diagnosed, and people think "Well, at least you knew he was gonna die." Yeah, like that makes it any easier. Every time I heard the phone ring, I wondered if the time had come. I got so sick of hearing "at least..."

How did your dad die? He was so young. I am truly sorry. Keep your head up, talk about it as much as you can; it won't get easier, I guess you just learn to live with it. None of our dads would want us sitting around crying all the time.

Keep in touch, imissdaddy

September 22, 2006

Yeah, It just makes high school harder, because I hate being around people. I still don't even know how he died. We're waiting for the autopsy report still. It will be 4 weeks Monday, and we don't know anything. He wasn't even sick, so we all had no clue. I feel guilty too. What if I didn't go to school that day, what If I went in there before school, and might of noticed something wasn't right. There are so many what if's and only one reality of what happened. I'll have to finish writing late... my mom needs my help with something.

September 23, 2006

Roxygirl, I am new to this board but I wanted to let you know in my experience the answers to some of your questions. Of course, everyone deals with things differently and feels different things, so it may not be the same for you. With me, my Dad died suddenly as well, no warning at all. People acted like they are with you, thinking they know how you feel. Thinking that a few small meaningless words can bring you comfort. It can't, and they don't. Even my brothers and sister had no idea how I felt, as I had no idea how they felt. We all had very different relationships with our father and we all think and feel differently. The only thing I can tell you is no, it doesn't get any less painful. What I have found is that you learn over time to focus on other things in your life again instead of the pain. That's how "it gets easier". But there will be times when you allow yourself to focus on the pain and the missing him, and at those times the pain will be just as harsh as it is now. I feel it is ok to focus on that pain now and then. I crawl into bed for a day when I can't stop thinking about him and just try and remember the good things about him. Yes, I still cry about it. It's been a little over a year and a half now, and when I allow myself to think about it my chest feels tight, I have a hard time breathing and I can't stop crying. But the good news is I've learned how to not focus on it as much. Talking about it with people you really feel you can trust helps. I say that about trust because your feelings that you need to get out are very very private. They define who you are as a person. I still miss my Dad every day of my life and so many things remind me of him. But I only let myself focus on it now and then, because you do need to eventually move on and live a happy life. At first, when I finally started learning not to focus and I started living a more normal life, when I would actually have fun and find myself laughing or smiling I would feel guilty. I would punish myself for that by staying in bed for a couple of days. I know that is not healthy, but it is what I needed to do at the time. I felt guilty that how can I have any kind of fun knowing my Dad is dead? But after time went by I realized that it is ok to start living again, and he would want me to be happy. He even came to me in a dream to tell me that he is ok, and he is happy and he wanted me to be happy. And I never remember my dreams. But this was so real and so vivid. I could even smell the flowers in the dream. I woke up balling my eyes out, but I was as happy as I was sad. Like I said, everything happens differently for different people. And the amount of time it takes to heal is different for everyone. I know I will never be completely healed. Maybe I don't want to be, maybe I want to focus on the loss every now and then just so I can feel close to him still. I'm no therapist, so I have no idea, but I guess it's possible that's why I do it. I wish you the best Roxygirl, and everyone else on this message board. We are all here because of the loss we have suffered and we are all trying to find a way to cope with it. I'm not going to try and offer you any healing words of wisdom, because I don't believe there are any. You just need to go through the grieving process in your own way. You will find your way. Everyone does it in their own way and in their own time. Until then, please continue to write about it and talk about it. Sometimes just writing it down can make you feel a little better.

September 23, 2006

It's just so hard to be happy sometimes. I try my best, but no matter how much I try to focus on other things, it's always in the back of my head. Sometimes I'm able to go out and have fun, but something always happens when I am that brings me back to that day and everything that happened. Someone will say something that reminds me, or I'll see something. I hardly sleep anymore becuase of the nightmares I have. I've talked to my boyfriend a lot about everything, and he's helped me a lot. And he's trying to make sure I'm taking care of myself. I thank him for that because he's been the only one even able to remotly help me. That day when I came home to find him dead, I freaked, and didn't know what to do. I sometimes wish I wasn't the one to find him, I wish it was somebody else, then I wouldn't have the image seered into my brain. I wouldn't have as bad as nightmares. But then I thank gof that I did find him. I wouldn't want to have my mom, or brother or sister have to go through that. I wouldn't want them to have what I have in my head. They are all thinking that I'm being the "strong one" through the entire thing. The truth is they only think that because I won't let them see how much I really am hurting. I won't let them see me break down. I know when I'm about it, and I make sure I'm off by myself when It happens. I don't want to have to see the pain I'm going through because I know they have the pain of their own. My mind is a mess, and I'm not used to it being that way. This isn't the first time I've lost a family member. When I was 12 years old I lost my sister. That was one of the most tramatic things that ever happened to me. I watched her pass away. I held her hand as it happened without anyone else there. It seems like death is always around me, and I feel like God is testing me to see how much I can take. I have so much in my life right now. I still haven't gotten over my sister's death, then I lose my father, and it's my senior year in school, I have my job, and then I have my boyfriend and I'm trying to help him through one of the hardest things he's ever been through even though he says for me not to because I have enough to worry about myself. But I can't help but worry about him. He's been through for me through so much, and I just want to do the same for him. I want my life back to normal, and I want things to be easier. It's suppossed to be a good year, with happiness and getting ready to go off on your own for collage. All I can think about it the pain I feel, and the heartbreak going on, and how much I don't want to leave home, and leave my family by themselves for they are a wreck alone. Writing on here has helped a lot, and I'm glad I joined this thingy ma jig... the way I see it, I can let everything out without judgement, and everyone here has been where I'm at. They havea sense of understandment... not entirely because everyperson is different but there is more than everyone I have here at home to talk to. Thank you all.

September 24, 2006

Roxygirl, what you are feeling, the confusion, not being able to sleep, not being able to concentrate, that is all normal. And it will all lessen as time goes by. I used to get lost driving, even on my own street. I wouldn't recognize where I was. I would panic and pull over and make myself breath and concentrate and it would all come back to me where I was. I think it was my brain closing off so I stopped focusing on the pain. I can't tell you when it will stop, or when it will get better, because every now and then it still happens to me. I think it is much too soon for you to worry about if you are healing or not. You aren't even close. It's going to take a very long time. I was Daddy's little girl. That never goes away, no matter what your age is. Everything I do is directly related to him or what he did or how he lived his life. I smoke because he smoked. I love sports because he loved sports. I drink coffee because he drank coffee. The list is endless. I have found that watching sports makes me feel a little closer to him now that he is gone, though not much. But I'll take every little bit I can get. It's very very good of you to worry about the rest of your family and to try and be strong for them. But at what price to yourself? Everyone thinks I am a strong person as well but during the first year and even still a lot now I don't feel strong. I feel what you are saying, how you have to pretend to be ok and try and hide it from them because they need you to be strong. But the reality of it is that it helps them to be strong when they have to help you through a difficult period, or day or whatever time you are feeling at your worst. I am there for my brothers in every way possible. It happened 3 days after Christmas and we buried him on New Years Eve. I was the strong one, I took care of all the arrangements, I called the extended family and friends. I made sure everyone was ok. But come his birthday, Thanksgiving and God help us Christmas, especially Christmas, I couldn't take it. I could not get through the day. We always spent Christmas at my brother's house because he has kids and my parents were divorced, so we all met at my brother's house. Spent the night before there so we could all be there when the kids woke up to see what Santa left them and enjoy their surprise, happiness and joy. But this year I couldn't bear it. They all needed a sense or normalcy. The insisted on the big sleepover and Christmas morning the same as normal. I slept at my youngest brother's house, alone. Thought I needed to be alone. In the morning, I couldn't stand being alone so I went over to my other brother's house, the normal Christmas house. They were all doing ok. They were laughing and going on as if everything was normal. And I was a wreck. I couldn't watch the kids open gifts, I was crying non-stop (in the bathroom of course, I didn't want to ruin the holiday for the kids). It helped my two brothers to try and comfort me and to try and keep things normal. I eventually had to leave, I kept watching the door expecting my Dad to walk in and it was way too much more than I could take. But my long and drawn out point is that it helped them to try and help me. Kept their mind off their own pain and their own loss. So don't be too afraid to let them know how you feel. It's all part of a healing process and they need to heal as well. Part of that healing is knowing they have helped you to heal. Also, I do a lot of charity work. I always find that when I do something good for others, when I help someone who needs help, I always feel a little bit better. Once enough time has passed and you are at a point in your life where you can actually go about normal activities, consider volunteering once a week. It doesn't matter where you do it or what it is you do. You can walk dogs at the animal shelter, visit with an elderly person who has no family, hand out food at a homeless shelter, collect food for a food drive, or clothing for that matter. I think you will find your heart feels just a little bit better, each and every time you volunteer. It works for me, but it may not for you. Just a suggestion. Anyhow, getting back to your feelings, you are not going crazy. These are all normal reactions for someone who has lost someone very dear to them. I am so sorry about your sister as well sweetie. The difference there is you were much younger and though it hurt really bad back then, I'm thinking you didn't really realize the gravity of it all and that's why this hurts even more. Not to mention the fact that it is one of your birthgivers. One of the reasons you even exist. Another thing I have found and you may or may not find as well, I lost a lot of confidence when my Dad died. Confidence in myself. I felt like I wasn't capable of getting a new job, wasn't capable of doing the things I used to do all the time and just took for granted. So if you start to feel that way, realize this is also a normal reaction and in time you will get your confidence back. At least enough to resume some sort of normal life. I am so sorry for you that you have to go through all of this. I know, it's a part of life that most of us must go through. Unless we die before they do. But that doesn't make it any easier. I wish there way some way for me to help take away your pain, even if just a little of it. I hope that you know people care about you, and I hope that does help at least a little bit. Please keep writing. It does help.

September 24, 2006

Hi Mindy

It was so scary at the end of my dad's life. At first when he started vom iting blood I could not really watch. My brothers, sister and mom were the ones to handle it. But as the days went on I realized that I just wanted to help him and I guess I did not really think about the blood. It was almost like something inside of me just forced me to be strong and do everything I could. I think it is so so hard for me know because I was at my parents house from April 6th until the day he died May 18. I was fortunate to get off of work for three months to take care of my family. I was there with my mom in the middle of the night the firs time he got sick. I brought him to the hospital (along with my mom), I was the one to ride in the police car with my mom and dad the second time he was admitted to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was the one who interviewed hospices with my mom and dad. I was the one who followed the ambulance home from the hospital back to my house watching my mom hold my dads hand while he lay in a stretcher. I helped him eat, drink, go to the bathroom, change his sheets, and I spent so much time just hangign out with him and watching tv. I feel so lucky to have been able to help him in so many ways but I also think about it and I just wish he did not have to go through any of that. My dad was the one who always took care of all of us and I just feel so bad that he had to rely on us. That was really hard for him. HE always thanked us everyday. Ofcourse, that was not necessary.... I would do it all again to get him back!

I believe your dad probably did come to you and your little girl. I am sure he knew that you were not at his bedside physically but emotionally you were. I think it is so wonderful that your dad was able to meet your dauhter. You must feel so grateful for that. Hang in there! Kelly

September 24, 2006

Roxygirl,

Hi. My situation is a little different than your a my dad was sick with cancer so I knew he was going to die. Although it was stll so shocking. MY dad was sick for four years and I guess I just finally stopped believing the cancer would really beat him. I have been experiencing many of the same feelings that you have. I try to keep it together for my mom and my younger sisters, however, I still cry whenever I get the urge. I think that if you cry and get some of your feelings out through tears it does help. Also, if your siblings and your mom see you cry that might give them permission to cry as well. There are so many feelings that are going to come up and they are all perfectly normal. Just remember that they are only feelings and they will pass. Take your life one moment at a time for now as every thing probably seems so difficult to get through. Remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other and like every one seems to be telling me, it will get easier as time passes. Hang in there! Kelly

September 24, 2006

I try to keep one foot in front of the other, and I'm doing my best to continue my life, and be happy, because I know that is what he would of wanted. I do cry, I cry so much, and I'm so tired of all the tears. I'm tired and crying myself, and seeing my family in tears. Whenever I see them hurting it makes me hurt all the more. You said it could help them seeing me break once in awhile, but I know it wouldn't... my mom saw me break down once already, and it made her twice as bad. She couldn't help me. It was partially because she hadn't even helped herself yet, and partially because I have a hard time letting people help me. I don't let people see me cry, I don't let people see how I feel. I put on my happy face and act like I'm okay still. I know that I"m going to be doing that for a long time. I know already years from now I'm still not going to be over it. I'm never going to be over it. I was the youngest daughter. I'm never going to have my dad see my children, I'm not going to have him to give me away at my wedding, and I'm going to miss out on a lot of things that fathers and daughters do. I was the youngest, but my family is seeing me as the strongest, I feel like I can't let them down there. I feel like if I'm not strong then who is going be? Who is going to be the one to get everyone by? I haven't lost confidence like you have, I'm sorry that you did. I'm glad I haven't. I'm doing my best to keep up with my job, and school. My supervisor is being really understanding with me as well, and I'm Very grateful for that. That community service thing, it does help you to help others it kind of relieves your heart a little bit. I know that. I used to volunteer at an elderly assissted living facility. Now I work with children. I watch them, and help them with their homework, and play games with them after they get out of school. At work its the hardest. Thats when I have to pretend the most. Kids can sense when something is wrong, they know when your having a bad day. I've realized that more than ever now. They didn't see me at work for a little over a week, then I come back, and i'm obviously not the same ol' me that was there before. I have this mask I wear constantly. I just want to be able to take it off and be normal. I don't want this mask to become who I am. I want to be the person I want to be, and was meant to be. I want my dad to be able to be in that life with me. I want him to of gotten to know my boyfriend better. I want him to have been able to see his grandchildren. I want him to have a much longer life than what he had. I keep asking myself why this happened? Why to me? Why me family? Why does everything have to go wrong at once! With my boyfriend, we've been together almost a year and a half, and he knew my father, they had outings together with my brother as well. They talked whenever he came over. We all had dinners together, as well as with his parents. But I wanted more. I don't really know what. But i did. This is the boy I fell in love with, and the only one who sees how much I hurt over this loss. Everynight when I'm with him after my long day pretending I'm fine, he sees me for how I really feel. He holds me in his arms as I cry and cry and cry, he listens to me talk about everything. He doesn't pass any judgement, and he'll cry with me sometimes. He sees how weak I really am, and how much I pretend to everyone else. I don't know what I'm getting at now, I'm just rambling on, because I don't know what to do. Even today, I couldn't get my mind of my dad, so I cleaned. I cleaned everything I could, as well as I could. I blared music while doing it. It came to the point where I was cleaning things three times over. It just could not be clean enough. I had to focus on something before I broke down, so I cleaned away... as if I could clean away how much pain I felt, but it didn't work. The pain was still there, and as I cleaned I was barely holding back tears. I look through my house now, and see everything I'm worked on today. It was all just a distraction for myself. I was creating something out of nothing there. I mean it was to the point I was on my hands and knees with a toothbrush cleaning baseboards. Everything had to be clean. I did this for hours until my mom came home and found me and made me take a rest... which is what I'm doing now.My entire day from 9 this morning has been cleaning as much as I could... as much as I tried to stop the pain it only built up and is about to burst, only I'm tring to hold it back till I can be alone.

September 24, 2006

Hi Kelly, its nice to hear from you again. Its so great that you could help him in that way. I always thought I was the strong one on the family but when it came down to it I guess I was not. I couldnt bear to take him to the bathroom and help him go. I could walk him to it and then wait for him to be done and then help him back to the couch but when it came down to wiping him and watch him go I just could not do it. Thank God for my older sister. I just remember at the very end he was so thirsty but he was not able to drink anymore without choking and i had to rub those stupid sponge applicators on his lips and I can still see his face he didnt know what to do he was so confused and to this day that scene just upsets me so much because at that moment I saw a father that was so helpless and I couldnt handle it. He too thanked us everyday and said he was so sorry that we had to watch him like this. I use to hate when he talked like that. One day he thanked me and I said you dont need to thank me. You took care of me my whole life and now its time for me to take care of you. I remember one day he was in so much pain and I gave him all his pain meds and told him he would be alright and he goes oh I hope so. I felt so bad because I meant he would be alright from the pain and he thought I meant he would get better. He would tell me everyday if he could just see my daughter go to kidnergarden he would be happy and she is only 21 months old so I know that would never happen but I think he thought it could. See my dad was in denial. he never had a dr tell him to go home and get his things in order so I think he thought he still had a chance to live longer when all along I knew he only had weeks at this point. Im sorry Im rambling but these are the stupid thoughts that go through my head all the time. Well getting tired got to go to bed. Mindy

September 25, 2006

I'm so thankful for this site. I find some comfort in knowing that I can relate to all of you because youre going through the same thing. I get tired of comments or remarks that are insensitive. Twice I've been told by two different people "I dont know what I'd do if my dad died. I think I'd go crazy" I just think to myself how can someone say that to someone who just loss their father. I watched him suffer not only for 4 years but until the very end. I guess people just dont think about what they say. I would never say such a thing to someone who just loss their father

September 25, 2006

I'm so thankful for this site. I find some comfort in knowing that I can relate to all of you because youre going through the same thing. I get tired of comments or remarks that are insensitive. Twice I've been told by two different people "I dont know what I'd do if my dad died. I think I'd go crazy" I just think to myself how can someone say that to someone who just loss their father. I watched him suffer not only for 4 years but until the very end. I guess people just dont think about what they say. I would never say such a thing to someone who just loss their father

September 25, 2006

Mariposa, I know exactly what you mean. I only wish I had found this site after the loss, not almost a year and a half later. I'm thinking I may have had the chance to feel a little better a little sooner had I been able to come here. My soon to be ex told me 3 weeks after that I needed to get over it and move on! So, I did move on. That's when I made the decision to leave him. But not just him, so many other people say hurtful things. They don't mean to, they just don't realize what they are saying or how it makes us feel. The thing to try and remember is they have never experienced anything like the pain we are going through, and even though I would think better of a stupid comment if I hadn't been through this, most people don't think before they speak. Even after all this time has gone by, when I let myself sit and think about everything I feel as I did right after it happened. I still have to convince myself that it really did happen, that I won't see him again some day. And that is very, very hard. Sometimes, when something good happens, or something bad happens, I'll pick up the phone and start to dial his number. I used to always share things with him. And of course that makes me cry too. And on my birthday, he was always the first to call me, without fail. My mother has forgotten my birthday the last 3 years in a row with the exception of this year. And her new stepdaughter has the same exact birthday as mine. She will call me up the day after and tell me that she had a party for her, cooked her this, made that kind of cake. And not even remember that it was MY birthday too. But my Dad, he would be the first to call. There's this silly tradition of calling the local radio station in my home town and they announce it on the air. At the end of the week they do a drawing and you win a cake from a local bakery. My brother started doing this for me now. Not sure if I like that or not, but it is sweet of him to do it. When I hear it I immediately think it was my Dad who did it....... This is why I too am glad I found this site. I can't really talk to people I know about this stuff when I feel I need to get it out. My brothers just try not to deal with it at all and I don't want to bring them down, and my friends, well I'm afraid they'll think that it's been long enough that I shouldn't still be feeling like this. So thank you to all of you here.

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Loss of a Father

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