Loss of a Father

[kathyanne]

Christine,

Thank you for the kind words and advice, I appreciate it. You'd think that the big memories would be the worst but the small ones (especially relating to the hospital!) took me aback. Some days I think I'm managing - today thankfully was one of them - but on others I break down. Distractions help but even then there are reminders. Since I used to talk to my Dad every other day the idea that he's gone is setting in after almost a month..I don't look at the phone at 5pm and expect him to call. I guess it's one step at a time towards acceptance but I'll probably feel differently tomorrow.

Tara,

I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what you are going through. I've been insulated to a certain extent and haven't had to face what you have. You seem like a very strong person and once again I have to say I admire how well you are dealing with the real world. So when you're down try to tell yourself that you have strength that most people probably don't. It doesn't ease the pain, of course, but if you feel strong you can get by.

Kathy

[tara12]

Hello , thanks for your kind words KATHY ANNE.......

\

yes it is so very hard and thei most recent stuff has really i think triggered dealayed grief , or maybe just another level of it . i feel the enourmous truth of the fact these two people , my parents , who i loved are gone forever , the realtionship with them is finsihed and gone . here on this earth . no more. and that now also i must let go of all their belongings , that is the link to them , to the meanings to the stories of the lives lived , all msut go . and due to the will mess , it is OUT of my hands and I have to accept this somehow . somehow , and know that even if other defile them and act immorally , that I am not and did not and that my love is all there is now anyway ........

ahhhhhhhhh do hard

here IT IS ANZAC DAY , this is a day we rememeber the futility of war and the loss of solidiers in what was seen as the first big war ... and it is named after a place where tropps were basically destroyed and lost... so this is not a celebration fo war , ut a ceremony to rememeber them and others who get caught up in war .. and how they served with honour for their countries and beleived in what they did , but lost their lives ... right or wrong ...

it is weird as my dad , layed the wreath at the capitals war memeorial all his adult life ...... and so today , i feel very very teary as I know he is not there to do it .... that this is another marker of him being gone .. so I think now this day also takes on extra meaning for me...... both my mum and dad served as well as my grandfather ( who i never knew).. like most people I guess ... but I never have really thought about it . funny how death brings these things home to us and we feel it .....

anway , its just how it is .... I will be ok.... life will work out , it is strange to even be alive in some ways , i feel sometimes really sortve altered about this even? does that makes sense , I feel older , i feel like my life also now is fragile and who knows if I will be alive , one day to the next , i guess this is true always , but now its very with me

no wonder i suppose , fiorst my mum dies after being hit by a truck , then my dad just goes to sleep and died ....... not like u expect it , but i guess we never expect death , DO WE ?

PLEASE WRITE AND TELLME HOW U ARE / i NEED SUPPORT i really do , i feel VERY VERY ALONE.

THANKS

[kathyanne]

Tara,

I understand the "delayed grief" part even though I don't think I've reached that point yet (I read about it a book I bought). I also understand the feeling of being in an altered state - I look at a lot of things differently now since everything is changing. It's silly things, really, but as an example I have a friend who always complains about something when she sits around all day and has her husband do everything. She's a sweet person and although I never understood how someone could be like that I now get annoyed when she can't make the effort to drive to the store to get something and asks others who have a lot on their plate to help her out. I guess I think "hey, here I am paying bills, doing the shopping, trying to be there for my Mom while grieving and holding in tears, etc., and she complains about petty stuff or can't be bothered to move away from the TV and go to the store??" It's stupid but I'm looking at people in a different light. Don't know if that's an altered state or not but I have changed.

I don't think that memories or any meanings to to story of the lives that have passed should go. I think that even if they're painful you have to keep them as a reminder of the wonderful times you had. I can't think of anything about Dad without crying but I cherish what I had with him and will never let that go. I'm trying not to think too much about them now, but I know in the future I'll be glad I stored them away. I'm even thinking of asking my Mom for some of Dad's things despite the fact that seeing them will hurt. But they were HIS and that's what matters.

OK, rambling! This entire thing is a process with good days and bad and I'm sure there are plenty of bad days waiting ahead. But I try to tell myself when wallowing in sorrow that Dad would NOT want me to be like that. Maybe try to think about how your parents would have wanted your life to be after they left? There aren't any answers.

[tara12]

kathyanne ,

i think that helps a lot , what you said to think about what they woudl want my life ot be like ,that is the best memorial i can give to them. really , and to forgive myself for the places I feel i was ingnorant or could have done better , where i hurt others without meaning to , cause that stuff comes up for me as well.... i know i loved them and they me , though we didnt always do well with our communications , in the end i know for many years they knew and saw how much i cared , though i feel for my dad especially , due ot his own hurts and story , he was often unable to see this and feel it , this makes me sad..... but yes , if i think about what they woudl wish for me from their highest parts of their love , its that I am well and healthy and live an true and honest life in memeory of them...... and yes , i have some things to think fo them always , my dads and mums wedding rings .... and a painting , some small things , but i also have the memeories and noone can take those,

I think ur right , i too have changed , we cannot have this experience of such painful loss and finality and not change . we do see things more starkley i think and see peoples selfish and petty natures more , we perhaphs are less tolerant of insnesitivity . i know I am . and also at the same time more compassionate ..... kind gived new meaning to me of how jesus said , fdorgive them for they no not what they do .... u know . thats true for all of is times of betrayal and in the faceofothers ignorance , becuse thats all it si is ignorance , people would not act these ways if they had wisdon and truly knew themselves or had empthy and compassion . instead they act from fear and grsping and aversion and all those things ... its our , my task to try rise above this in myself and to feel if i can patience for others . and know we are all human ... in this I can feel forgiveness , for myself , and for these other people.

ahh , its a hard road . but tis human life . nothing is unique just to us , suffering is universal and is somehting noone gets through without. just we feel it more right now . isnt it ...

be well

talk soon , its lovely to talk with you and it helps me a lot. I hope somhow I am helping you do this a bit easier . i feel less alone knowing I can tell someone these things.

xo

[kathyanne]

Tara,

Glad I can be of help even though I don't really know yet what I'm going through or what you are. Definitely forgive yourself for things that you may have done in the past as we can't go back and change what happened...we can only learn from our experiences. We've all hurt people we didn't mean to hurt, it's human nature and to dwell on what we did doesn't help in the present day. I've found another great web site that is all about dealing with grief so I thought I'd post it's address if you'd like to take a look - the people there have been very supportive and kind. Take a peek if you get a chance (my screen name is KathyD there)...

http://www.hovforum.ipbhost.com/

Kathy

[liska13]

Hello everybody

I havent been on in a couple of months---I have just caught up on everyones posts. All I can say for some of the newer people is that I am sorry for the loss you've experienced and I understand the desolate aching place that you're in although only you can truly feel what you are feeling.

My dad died back in January, 2 weeks before my wedding. I completely lost it then. His family chose not to have a big funeral, so I did not make the 6 hour trip to be there. I had debated it at the time...but I work as an autopsy technician for the medical examiner and see dead bodies every day...I didnt want to see my dad that way. It's not a denial thing--just more that I want to remember him the way he was all my life---alive and full of life and energy.

A few weeks ago I made the trip and my aunt and uncle brought my husband and I to see where my dad is buried. It was really hard--but they picked such a beautiful spot up high on a hill--I was smiling and crying at the same time. Smiling because it's the perfect resting spot for him, crying because this is the greatest loss I've ever known.

Between that and having my baby due within the next two weeks I havent been able to post a lot.

Dollface--I completely feel what you are feeling about your son not knowing your father. My little girl is due soon--she is my fathers first grandchild and he was so looking forward to her arrival. I think about how much I wanted her to be able to know him, to sit in his lap, hear his voice, know his grandpa smell, all those things and more. I think about how much he wouldve taught her and how much of his passion for living he wouldve shared with her. It really hurts that she will not get to know him. However, what keeps my chin up is that I am very much my daddy's girl and I know that there are many beautiful aspects of my personality that I got directly from him---so through me she will know parts of him. I dont know if thats any consolation...but I try to keep focused on the positive.

Sunbiter--that story you shared about your dad and mom completely touched my heart--thank you.

Tara12--I've read your posts from the first one to the most recent and I extend my sympathies to you. To lose your mom and then you dad such a short time later is an unfathomable emotional abyss. I admire you so much for trying to keep your seems together despite your overwhelming burden. Then the whole issue of the will and such--my heart goes out to you.

I agree that what has made me able to go on is knowing that my father would want me to be happy and to enjoy life---that is something he taught me. He often told me that what he loved most about me was that I was so passionate about life that I could radiate that to others and make them share in my joyfulness. How hard it is to be joyful amidst such a devastating loss! But I tell you what, I try very hard to do just that, partly for my dad, partly for my husband and soon coming baby, but also for myself. Life is a very precious gift...and I know from my line of work that we are not garaunteed any time here--its a gift and so I try to appreciate the life I have despite the pain.

In spite of the above, I am still having issues with fearing the loss of others that are close to me. I pray all the time for the health and safety of my family and friends. I worry about the people closest to me, my husband, my mom, my brother, my baby and worry that something will happen to them or that they will be as suddenly ripped from my life as my dad was. It's so hard for me to feel comfortable because one moment I was home enjoying a saturday afternoon, the next i got a phone call and my whole world was shattered and fell apart when I learned my dad had passed. So how can I feel secure knowing that at any moment I could get another call? I know I sound crazy...but I realize that I dont have control over what happens--its just a sometimes an overwhelming fear.Has anyone else felt this? How do you cope? I try my best to just have faith and to not focus on the possibility but this remains one of my biggest issues.

Thank you all so much---all of your posts help me connect to my own grief and help me through this difficult time.

*m*

[Kelly]

Hello,

We have had requests on the suggestion board for something that people can wear to show they are grieivng. We created a pin and a braclet to let people know that we are remembering the ones we have loved. You can see them at http://www.redjetmedia.com/pins/special.htm. In the future we can make a pin that might say remember my mother or honor my father. This is the first in the series to see if these items appeal to people in helping them honor the memories of their loved ones.

Kelly

[Guest Guest]

Hi, Iam new.

[ajane05]

I'm sorry for everyones losses!!!

Hi, my name is AJ I lost my dad last october. It was a bigger lifechanging event then I thought that it would be. I can rememeber the morning when I got the call. From that momment on I knew that my life would never be the same. It was such a sudden shock, I don't know when my body will recover. See, my dad took his own life and I don't understand why. I never understand what you have until it is gone. I mean I was close to my dad....I just wish that I would have been closer. You would think that something like this would make you want to be around everyone you know and tell them that you love them....but I can't do that. I just feel like I want to be alone and that no one will be able to make me feel better. I think about the "what if's" which keep my mind thinking about things are I can never change, I waste so much time worring about death and what "might" happen I'm forgetting to live my life.

I feel like all the anxiety, the panic attacks and the sudden breakdowns aren't normal and I'm the only one that feels like I'm going crazy. Is there anyone else that feels this way?

[myfathermyhero]

Ajane05,

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 5 months ago to a heart attack. Sometimes it seems like I saw him just yesterday, and other times I feel like I haven't seen him in forever. Everything in my life changed in that one moment, and it scares me that it'll never be the same again. I struggle to get through every day.I've had a hard time opening up to people, if Im upset I don't want to talk to anyone in my family, because if they're having a 'good day' I don't want to bring them down. My freinds don't bring it up, because it makes them uncomfortable, and sometimes I just feel so alone. I was seeing a therapist for a while, but I stopped going, because I didn't think it was doing much good. Not a day goes by that i don't think of my father and how much I miss him. Sometimes it feels like my life isn't even real anymore. It seems like Im just watching my self from a distance, and nothing really matters anymore. It's so hard to put these feelings into words, but Im sure everyone here knows what I mean.

I have constant anxiety that something is going to happen to some one else that I love. I have now experienced first hand how unexpected and heartbreaking death can be, and I don't want to ever go through this again. I have constant anxiety and most of the days I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I've had a few serious panic attacks, where I can't breath and I just cry and shake uncontrollably. I eventually calm down, but the feeling of complete and utter sadness and emptiness stays with me for days. Like I said, Ive tried therapy and Ive even tried medication, but nothing seems to make any of it go away.

Until next time.. Youre in my thoughts and prayers

Christine

[ajane05]

Myfathermyhero,

THANK YOU so much for your reply....I'm new to this messageboard thing, My cousin uses one so she thought that it would help me. I'm glad that someone read what I wrote and had some comments. It really helped me alot to know that there are ppl. out there that care! Hope to talk soon.

AJ

[myfathermyhero]

Ajane05,

Your Welcome, theres no need to thank me. These boards have helped me through alot of dark days, and Im glad that I was able to make you feel less alone. It's so hard to lose a parent, and I think that people who have never experienced it can never really understand what we are going through. I have been fine the last couple of days, but then I was driving home from work today and I thought of some stupid joke my dad had once told me, and I completely broke down. It's funny how it is the little things that seem to upset you the most. I'm so sorry that your dad took his own life and you have to deal with not knowing why. Thats a pretty tough situation to be in, but eventually you will be able to find peace of mind. I'm the one that came home and found my dad, so that was something that I had dealt with for a long time, and am still dealing with now. Some times when I try to sleep at night and I close me eyes, all I can see is my dad laying there in his bed. But as time has gone by, I find that I picture it less, and I try to focus on the postitive things that I still have in my life. Its no substitution for having my dad still in my life, but I finally realized that its better for yourself to count your blessings rather than dwell on the things or people you have lost. My dad still holds a special place in my heart and I think about him and miss him every day, but I am still here for a reason, and my dad would want me to not only live my life, but enjoy it. I hope you are feeling better.

Until next time..

Christine

[kathyanne]

Ajane05,

I lost my Dad two months ago and totally understand the feeling of wanting to be alone or not to talk to friends/family. I love my Mom with all my heart but when we talk or meet I'm instantly reminded of Dad (who was my best friend)...it's not her fault but when I think about her selling my childhood home, Dad's car, etc., it's easier for me to be alone than listen to it even though I know my Mom needs an ear. My friends have been great but none really understand and many seem to think that enough time has passed for me to get on with life. Two months?! I have the "what if" syndrome too but I try to tell myself that there is nothing I can do change what happened even though I always am blaming someone. I think that we have to do what we have to cope, whether it be alone or with friends or a group. I've been coping on my own and have found that it's better that I confront my grief myself instead of trying to explain why small things hit me hard and all that. The anxiety and panic is all normal, though, and you aren't going crazy. I burst into tears over things that have nothing to do with Dad and don't understand why I keep remembering certain things that he did (that set me off) more than others. I guess what I'm saying is that this is the grieving process - I bought a book about it and post on another board regularly. It's been helpful but nothing can take away the hurt that we feel.

Kathy

[Guest Guest]

I just lost my father to suicide on May 5th.

I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking or feeling at this point other than angry and a deep sense of loss.

I live in MD, and he was in Co, as is my mother, little brother and my son.

I ended up going back that day, and handled EVERYTHING. My mom & dad were in the process of a divorce, so she had no say over the arrangements, and my brother is 19, and had no idea where to start.

I post on other message boards (none about grief though) and I know the catharsis it can be to just type and talk about things, I found this one randomly, and it seems like a quiet safe place to share.

Thanks for reading,

Jen

[Guest Guest]

My father recently passed away after a long, long battle with some undiagnosed illness.

For more than two years I had to cope with the reality that my Daddy was withering away. At only 55 years of age, he had to use a walker, couldn't sit down on a regular toilet seat because he couldn't get up on his own, and couldn't do even simple tasks because he was so weak. I'd come home from school every day and- before doing homework or anything that a student should be able to concentrate on- I would have to do all the chores he couldn't do. This included cleaning up after him, helping him with his oxygen machines, and sometimes even dressing him.

On top of that, my father had some sort of narcoleptic condition that caused him to fall. Because of swelling in his legs, he couldn't be comfortable sitting or lying down, so he would stand. When he stood, he passed out/fell. Three or four times a night my mother and I would have to run into his bedroom, praying that he hadn't broken his own neck, and pick him up. Remember, these were school nights and I was barely getting five hours of sleep because of having to help him.

After months of this nightmarish situation, my father fell and hit his head. He went to the hospital, where he went into a three-day comma. When he came out of it, he had no idea who my brother was and kept saying things that made no sense. He went into cardiac arrest and went into another comma, only this time there was substantial brain damage. We decided that it was best to let my daddy go Home, after such a long fight.

At first I was okay with it, but as time passes it gets harder and harder. My mom tries not to let me see it, but a combination of grief and despair over our debt are pushing her into depression. Every day she comes home in a bad mood, looks at the bills, and goes into an even worse mood. We used to be the best of friends, but now we fight constantly. I want to help her, but she doesn't want help. Also, I'm trying to help her eat more healthfully, because she's a little overweight. She doesn't understand that I'm no trying to criticize her, I just want at least one of my parents at my wedding. Is that so much to ask?

Right now I'm a turmoil of emotions. Of course, I'm dealing with grief. I'm also worried sick about the bills. I feel useless because all I can do is cause the bills to go higher. I'm afraid that I'll lose my mom, either in our emotional bond or because of her health. I'm furious because I feel like my dad shouldn't have died; I feel like those stupid doctors should have figured out what was wrong with him and I know they never gave a damn- excuse my language. I'm frustrated because I don't know what I can do to help, and I don't know what I can do to make things better.

Will this all eventually go away? God, I need so much help. Do you have any words of wisdom that can heal a broken heart and placate this worried mind? Thank you for reading this.

[myfathermyhero]

Guest,

Im so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to see your dad that sick and helpless. My fathers death was very sudden, so I never had to experience what you did, but it doesn't make anything any easier. My father was only 49 years old when he passed away, he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. Your post really hit home to me, because of the things you said about your mothers weight. My father was very overwieght, and he knew it was unhealthy for him, but it was a very touchy subject. I didn't like to bring it up, because I didn't want him to think I was picking on him or anything, when in reality I was just worried about his health. Every day I wish I would have pushed him harder to take care of himself, I just wish I could have done something to help him. At the end of the day, I just have to realize that there is nothing I can do about it now, and I just have to learn to deal with it. My mother is 50 and smokes and it drives me crazy, I smoke too, and I keep telling her that we shoudl quit together. I'm just so worried that something will happen to her. I'm only 20 years old and I don't want to have to lose both of my parents before the age of 25. Its been almost six months since my dad passes away, so I can tell you that eventually it will get easier. You will just fall into a new routine and learn to get used to the way your life is now, with out your dad. I know its hard to imagine, but eventually you will feel liek yourself again. Just give it time with your mom, Im sure things will start to get better. Everyone is dealing with the loss, the grief, and the guilt on their own, and once everyone starts to figure things out for themselves, it will be easier to open up to people. I don't even think people realize it sometimes, but after the loss of a loved one, you tend to shut down emotionally. My best freind just recently said to me, that it was nice to see me back to my old self. I didn't realize what she meant, but she explained to me that I had been really distant and unemotional for the first few months after my dads death. I didn't even realize that there was anything different about the way I was acting, and I definately didn't think people had noticed it. Just don't take it personal if the relationship between you and your mom is strained. I'm sure she will start to open up to you when she feels ready. I just rambled on for a while, and Im not even sure if anythign I said made any sense, but I hope it was able to help you. Just remember that even though it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better.

Until next time...

Christine

[myfathermyhero]

Jen,

Im very sorry for you loss. It's unbelievable that the grieving family is expected to make all of the arrangements for the funeral. Im sorry that you felt the pressure of going through that alone. Im glad that you found this board. It really does help to talk to other people that are experiencing the same things as you. Its helped me to feel less alone, and helped to me move on from the pain.

until next time...

Christine

[luvmydaddy]

It has been three months ago on May 27th that my Daddy died. He died suddenly of cardiac arrest the night before my Mom was to have cancer surgery ( she has since had the surgery and is doing well). I was the one who found him and the shock and terror of finding him I can't seem to shake, nor can I get that image of the way he looked -- especially his eyes -- out of my head. It's especially bad at night and I can't sleep. My family is falling apart -- my older sister dislikes my brother and me and feels we are taking over our Mom's life. The truth is that our Mom doesn't want my older sister or her husband involved with her finances and so she has choosen to have only my brother and me be on her accounts and privy to her finances. So, instead of telling my sister she just chooses to avoid the subject and my brother and I are paying for her decision. Daddy was the rock that our house was built upon, and now that the rock is gone our house is falling apart!! My heart is shattered and my family is in tatters -- will this ever get any better? Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'm so glad that I found this site! Thanks again - Kathie

[Guest Guest]

I honestly feel for each and every message i have read on here. Death is only natural, or so it seems till you lose that one close to you. I lost my father in june 6th of 1999 and it seems like yesterday. I really haven't had many problems untill recently. to make a long story short, my father had total body nerve injury, and wasn't able to do much. He could do anything, but the pain afterward didn't make it worth the while. Every day he took 64 pills. and he overdosed one day, and i was the one home that day who volunteerd to watch him. I guess i was ignorant to what a heart attack was or even the symptoms. It is just so hard to try to wake your father up from a nap and he's blue, already gone. Then you have to call your mother who can't be located at her job for an hour, and tell your sister the bad news also. I'm actually starting to somewhat abuse my prescription drugs to get me to sleep at night, for if i didn't take extra, i would just cry and cry and cry, and my wife would never understand. I could go on and on, but i like most of us here, would like to offer some comforting words. I feel that God chose me to be home that day. I mean how would my sister or mother have dealt with it? I was the strongest emotionally, and never cried a tear till lately. We all have good and bad qualities, and i know that each of us can help the other with our memories and thoughts of compassion. Every day i take nothing for granted. You never know what could happen tomorrow. And i guess losing a parent makes our eyes open to the world, and see life like no one else can. Thanks everyone very much.

[myfathermyhero]

I am also the person that had found my father after he had passes away. He had an enlarged heart and died of a heart attack in his sleep. Most days I was one of the last people home at night, but the day my dad happened to be one of the days that I left work early to go to class. My dad had been sick for a week before he died, and my sisters had tried to wake him up early that morning, and he wouldn't wake up. He was snoring, so they didn't think that anything was wrong, they figured he was sick and sleeping in late. I stopped by my house before class because my mom wanted me to check on my dad and see if he was feeling better. When I got home, I didn't suspect anything, until I called his name a couple of times and couldn't find him. I walked up the stairs to his bedroom, his door was open and I could see him still lying in bed. It was 3:15, my dad would have never ever slept that late, so thats when I realized there was something seriously wrong. I started screaming his name and he didn;t answer. As soon as I walked into the room I knew he was dead. I tried to shake him and he was just dead weight and he was ice cold. I didn't cry I just walked down stairs and stood in my kitchen for a few minutes. I was shaking and I literally felt like I was losing control of everything going on around me. I called my mom and my sisters, and then I called 911. When my family started to arrive home, everyone was crying and screaming and I just stood there. I didn't cry, I just stood there in the corner and watched everything unravel around me. I know that God chose me to find him, because I think he knew I would be able to handle it more than the others. That day will always be with me, and the images are burned into my mind, but I think I deal with it better than either of my sisters would have. Although I'm sure they deal with the guilt of not realizing something was wrong. I'm sorry that I wrote all of this out for people to have to read, but I just felt like I really needed to get it off my chest. I don't like to burden my family with my problems, because they are dealing with their own right now, and my freinds get uncomfortable when I bring it up. This board has been such a great place for me to share my emotions and my experiences, and I thank everyone of you for taking the time to read the things that I have to say. The horrible loss that we have all experienced will make us stronger in the end, and it helps us to appreciate life a little bit more than others. You are all always in my thoughts and prayers.

Until next time....

Christine

[davidknox6010]

I feel so much for you Christine. I really do. Your situation was just like my own. My father had his nerve damage for years, and the family was used to him, his condition. He would sleep walk all night. He would wake up all crazy as if he were in another world. Always in pain, he was. I remember waking up that wonderful, warm day to see my father in the most unnormal condition i've ever seen him in my 19 years (then). He couldn't put a sentence together, just mumbled, but to him, i guess he was making sense. He looked as if he was lost, and couldn't see an exit. My mother said that he probably took too much medicine as he always did. I guess when your in that much pain, you will. My sister thought nothing of it, she was probably more interested in other things. I had my sister find the doctors on the medicine bottles, and tried to call them myself, but always...leave a message. No one was able to talk with me. I finally called my mother and asked her what to do, because i never saw him like this. Even she thought it was normal, but i insisted this was anything but normal. Finally, the last thing i did for my father before he died, was offer to get him some Pepsi-cola which he loved after stopping smoking. He understood what Pepsi was and repeated and nodded his head in agreement. I went and got it, brought it back, put on our old favorite movie "the longest day", and got him a glass. But he really didn't watch it, just went to sleep. I turned around over the course of an hour to keep and eye on him, and at the last point, i noticed his stomach not moving. I cried as i tried to wake him, nothing. Not even a flinch. I could not believe what was happening. I begged him to wake up, i prayed for him to wake up, but nothing. I called 911 and they said it was probably too late, after seeing him blue. To make matters worse, the cop that responded said i should of called 911 earlier. How was a 19yr old boy suppose to know the symptoms of a heart attack? All i know is that he died peacefully, without pain. I like you Christine, can't get those images off my mind. Every night i go through the same process, up all night, lots of medicine and trying to thing of good win only those images come to mind. I just can't believe it. My father, man who would give anything for me...gone. How great of a man he was, just like most if not all fathers. I guess we only appreciate them after they're gone. That's why i refuse, unlike my sister, to ruin the relationship with my mother. I also, need to write this, maybe i can get some sleep now this week. I can't speak to my wife, she lost a grandpa, but not a father. I play Metallica music (his favorite) every day, loud as can be, to drown out the memories and thoughts. How loving he was and i miss him. He and all that are good are in my prayers. And i'll always be here if anyone else needs an ear.

David Knox

[Guest Guest]

my name is heather. I lost my father on halloween this past year. He was diagnoised with cancer in July 2005. He was terminal, he had cancer of the lung,liver and lymth notes and eventually went into the bone marrow. He was in and out of the hospital so much along with the nursing home. He believed he was going to lick this and pull through but unfortunatly on october 31,2005 he got tired of fighting and passed away. My dad was my hero and my best friend. He always put everyone else first before himself. He dedicated his life to his family and made soon we were able to get whatever we needed. my dad was a great guy and a great coach.

[Guest Guest]

Dear Heather,

Your loss sounds similar to mine, but I know each of us are different.

I want you to know you are in my prayers and to take care of yourself and maybe one day things will be a little better.

It seems as though the world is not the same without them.

Please accept my deepest sympathies (even though you don't know me)

Regina

[Guest Guest]

THIS REPLY IS TO JEN WHO POSTED ON MAY 21 ABOUT HER FATHER'S MAY 5 SUICDE

Dear Jen: I too lost my dad to suicide, February of this year.

when notified by phone I wept a briefly, then i think i went into shock instantly. i remember thinking "how could this happen" but at the same time "i've always known this was going to happen". i thought i was doing okay the first couple of days, but now i remember that i went to bed with a migraine headache for almost 24 hours. i was soooo tired. sadness internalized, i suppose. there were many phone calls as my dad has many siblings.

i cried everyday for about two weeks. then one day i stopped cyring and thought that "wow, this grief thing isn't so tough after all". then, a week later, I went back to birmingham to help my brothers at my dad's house. that weekend went well, came home sunday night. on monday i went into a real funk and cried and cried and cried for 2-3 days. it was tough. i was also soooo angry at him, sad, guilty for things unsaid, etc., etc., etc. i found that allowing myself to feel exactly what i was feeling at the moment and cyring if i wanted to worked well for me. i still cry, but not as much. i'm still very sad over it.

DISAPPOINTMENT is probably the strongest feeling that follows my sadness now. i'm disappointed about so many facets of this entire suicide situation.

are you? I don't talk to people about this because they act like suicideis contagious. people are uncomfortable discussing suicide. but i would like to talk to someone else who is experiencing this. i NEED to talk about it. i want to hear about other peoples feelings. this eats at me. the "what ifs" and "if only i had done this or that" i think about my dad frequently. I'm so disappointed.

please someone talk to me and Jen about this. I think it will be helpful to both of us.

Thanks, Alesia

all family members and i are in different cities. like you, i had to go to where my dad was living. so happens, my mom and dad were separated and she didn't want to make ANY decisions. so my brothers and i did it ALL. it still isn't all wrapped up.

[penguin]

Hello to all. I joined this forum because I lost my father 5 days ago (6-13-06), and I am in need of some support, faith, sympathy, answers...I was very close with my dad, and he died rather suddenly, that is to say that he deteriorated rapidly. I really don't know what to say except that I feel like a little boy who just lost his puppy. My father was my counsel, my friend and really my hero. All I ever wanted to become was because of the examples that he set for me. I feel empty and cheated, angry and hopeless. I keep thinking about how lonely my mom is going to be, and I keep thinking about the empty seat at the head of the dining room table around holiday time. I keep thinking about how cold and lonely he is in his grave now. It seem that I can't go more than an hour or two without crying my eyes out. Well, thanks for listening, and please pray for my dad, Harold S Lager. Thank you and God bless you all. Bruce M Lager

[ajane05]

I just want to say that I know that this was a tough day and I hope that everyone is doing okay!!

I'm replying to Jen who lost her father to suicide I would love to talk with you!! I lost my dad to suicide last october and I haven't talked to another person that has lost there dad that way and I think that it would really help!!! Please reply if you would like to talk!!

[Guest Guest]

I don't know where to start, this is my first to do this. In fact this well be my first to talk about the lost of my father. My father died 11 months ago yesterday. It's been a challenge, each day just seems to be so hard. Every morning I get up his the first I think of and I still think about him when I go to bed. I try not to express my feelings around my family, espically my mother. She is also trying, but falls apart. My father died suddenly. I'm the oldest of his three children, I have a younger brother and the youngest is my sister. I know we had our hearts broken, we all assume that he would be around until he was in his 80's, he was only 66 yrs. old. So much has been since he died. My mother moved in with me, she just couldn't stay in there home.....she says there were to much memories. I didn't mine at all, but now things have gotten so difficult for me, I want to move on with my life, but she talks about him every minute of the day, she cries. Now, my little (34 yrs.old) will not visit my mom, she says she can't be in my house because it's so emotional, that it just ruins everyones day. My mother has been by my side since my father passed, and I feel I can't breathe anymore. I love my mother with all my heart, but I have not had the chance to move on with my life. Last night my sister attack me and phyically hurt me, she called me all kinds of names and called me a basket case that no one cares about. And my daughter also did the same. Now I'm sitting here at work, and quitting time was 2 hrs. ago. I don't know where to go, I don't want to go home. I think my mother is moving out, she thinks that it's because of her that things exploded. I don't know if it is really me that has changed, like I was told. I'm told that I I'm upset everyday, I just sit in my room and I turned my love ones away. I don't know what's going on with me, I feel I have lost control of myself. Sorry for my grammer.

It has been three months ago on May 27th that my Daddy died. He died suddenly of cardiac arrest the night before my Mom was to have cancer surgery ( she has since had the surgery and is doing well). I was the one who found him and the shock and terror of finding him I can't seem to shake, nor can I get that image of the way he looked -- especially his eyes -- out of my head. It's especially bad at night and I can't sleep. My family is falling apart -- my older sister dislikes my brother and me and feels we are taking over our Mom's life. The truth is that our Mom doesn't want my older sister or her husband involved with her finances and so she has choosen to have only my brother and me be on her accounts and privy to her finances. So, instead of telling my sister she just chooses to avoid the subject and my brother and I are paying for her decision. Daddy was the rock that our house was built upon, and now that the rock is gone our house is falling apart!! My heart is shattered and my family is in tatters -- will this ever get any better? Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'm so glad that I found this site! Thanks again - Kathie

[Guest Guest]

Most recent posts in this thread:

Discussion: Loss of a Father

Guest

Jun-22-2006 8:43 PM et

I don't know where to start, this is my first to do this. In fact this well be my first to talk about the lost of my father. My father died 11 months ago yesterday. It's been a challenge, each day just seems to be so hard. Every morning I get up his the first I think of and I still think about him when I go to bed. I try not to express my feelings around my family, espically my mother. She is also trying, but falls apart. My father died suddenly. I'm the oldest of his three children, I have a younger brother and the youngest is my sister. I know we had our hearts broken, we all assume that he would be around until he was in his 80's, he was only 66 yrs. old. So much has been since he died. My mother moved in with me, she just couldn't stay in there home.....she says there were to much memories. I didn't mine at all, but now things have gotten so difficult for me, I want to move on with my life, but she talks about him every minute of the day, she cries. Now, my little (34 yrs.old) will not visit my mom, she says she can't be in my house because it's so emotional, that it just ruins everyones day. My mother has been by my side since my father passed, and I feel I can't breathe anymore. I love my mother with all my heart, but I have not had the chance to move on with my life. Last night my sister attack me and phyically hurt me, she called me all kinds of names and called me a basket case that no one cares about. And my daughter also did the same. Now I'm sitting here at work, and quitting time was 2 hrs. ago. I don't know where to go, I don't want to go home. I think my mother is moving out, she thinks that it's because of her that things exploded. I don't know if it is really me that has changed, like I was told. I'm told that I I'm upset everyday, I just sit in my room and I turned my love ones away. I don't know what's going on with me, I feel I have lost control of myself. Sorry for my grammer.

[sweetbeyond]

Hello! I am new here and just signed up and read your post. I feel we have alot in common. I too have just lost my father very close to the time you lost yours. My father passed away August 31st 2005 quickly of lukeminia he was 65 he would have been 66 in November. I am also the oldest same as you a brother and then a sister who is also the youngest. My mom and dad were divorced tho. My dad was with another woman for about 20 years. She and two of my aunts told my sister and i that my dad had lukeminia in mid/end June. I took it for granted he would be here for his birthday in November and for Christmas and yes like you thought he would be here for years to come. My dad didnt want my sister and i to know how bad he was so we were never told. I found out later that they knew he only had 6 weeks but wished not to tell us. If only they had, i would have spent more time with him, but he didnt want it that way, he wanted us to go on with our lives and not to worry about him. I also think of my dad daily! He even comes to me in my dreams. I am sure it is hard for your mother to stay in the home. Her fondest memories are there. I am sure she misses him so much. Im always talking to my dad and always thinking of him! I don't see how anyone that can go on the same when someone you love is gone. I felt so selfish for the longest time and still do , selfish that i was working overtime and didnt spend that extra time with my dad, selfish because after he passed away i wanted him back! I felt selfish he didnt want us to know how bad he was....i miss my dad so much i still want him back! I dream of him now more then ever....the first time after the initial funeral that i went to the grave site... he loved yellow roses so i took him some, it was hard to go there...i cried so hard, i talked to him for the longest time. I asked him, " dad please give me a sign that you are still watching over me please" i let him know i still needed him...the graveyard was beautiful all all the graves the flowers were gorgous as i was walking out, same way i walked in ...i noticed this big pot of plastic yellow roses laying over...i thought thats my sign...i didnt notice them on the way in, even tho i walked right by them but i noticed them on the way out dumped over ...i do belive that was my sign from my dad that he is indeed watching over me! I walked over to the planter and picked it back up on the grave. They were yellow roses, why hadnt i notced them being dumped over on the way in? I know it was my sign! The other day coming home from work, i looked in my rearview mirror at a stop light and seen this man in a silver car that looked exactly like my dad, he had the same facial features, he held his head like my dad, had his arm resting on the ledge of the window like my dad used to drive, he had the same grey hair and glasses, i couldnt stop looking at him in my rearview...it made me feel like my dad was there, behind me following me home, then i had to turn left, he went straight and i cried all the way home. It was too weird i wanted him to stay behind me. I am sure the man close up didnt look like my dad but from my rearview to him in his car it looked exactly like my dad! It's ironic my mom wants to talk about my dad too, it hurts...she hurts for my dad and us ...i am sure...she knows we miss him. My sister cant talk about him. My sister stayed in bed over a week after my dad passed away she wasnt even able to get out of bed to go to work! It seems there is just so much unsettled emotions when someone is greiving...i am sure your sister wasnt able to conrol herself and i am sure she feels bad now about attacking you...sometimes when people are greiving they just dont have any control over how they feel or what they say or do. Don't stop thinking of your dad, talk about him, talk about the good times talk to you dad, your dad is there he is watching over you! After reading your post it just made me know almost exactly how you are feeling....i wished i knew you because you would have had somewhere to go, i would have you come to my house!

[kathyanne]

I also lost my Dad to Leukemia recently (3/30/06) and although I'm not in the same boat as everyone else I know how it feels to think that I "should have" had him with me until at least his 80's. He was only 68 when he died - yesterday would have been his 69th birthday - and was so healthy until his last chemo treatment. I cry daily and wish I had some sign that he's watching over me but I haven't felt one. I can't even deal with my family even though they've been supportive...Dad and I had a special relationship and I can't pretend to have bounced back when I haven't (my brother seems to adjusting just fine). I'm so sorry for everyone's losses as it's completely unbearable once you experience it first hand. Just know that you're not alone in your grief.

Kathy

[Guest Guest]

Hi. My name is Britney I am 16 years old and I am new here. My dad has just passed away on April 17 2006. He dided from a heart attack unexpectidly. That day my mother little brother who is 12 were at the mall when we got the phone call from my grandmother(my dads mom) All I remember is running throught the mall trying to get to my grndmothers as fast as we could. My dad was a great person always willing to give then to recive. Such a funny person and had a heart of gold. I knew I would be going to a wake one day but never did I belive my first one would be my fathers and at such a young age. So if any of you know how I am feeling please write back to me. I really need support from someone my age that knows how it feels to loose a farther that you loved so much.

Britney

[Guest Guest]

Hi Britney, my name is Lynette and I was just reading what you wrote and I am sorry about your loss. I was 25 years old when my father died eight years ago and I am still not able to deal with the pain of his passing on. My dad was my very best friend and the only person who I was able to talk to. The only advice I can give you is to deal with your grief the best way you can. I do not believe once a person dies you will get over it as most people will have you to believe but you will have your good and bad days. If you have family members you feel you can talk to about the way your are feeling, do not hesitate to do so. Do whatever you think is going to help you better accept the lost you are experiencing without feeling as if you are going to go insane. I just hope you fine inner peace someday. I will pray that God will give you the strength to be able to deal with this. Once again I am sorrying about your family's loss and I extend my condolenscences.

[myfathermyhero]

Hi Britney, Im Christine, and my situation is very similar to yours. My father died on December 15th 2005, he was only 49 years old, and I was only 20 at the time. My father died in his sleep of a heart attack and it was very unexpected, because as far as we were all concerned he was healthy. Aside from a great grandmother that was 96 when she died, my fathers death was the first significant death that I have had to deal with. I know it's a terrible thing to say, but I would have rather lost all four of my grandparents, and still had my dad here with me. It's just so sad to know that my father will never be there for any of the significant moments in my life. I was talking about it with my mom the other day, because my 21st birthday just passed, and it should have been a really exciting day for me, and in alot of ways it still was, but I was still upset that my dad couldn't be there to share it with me. It just sucks because all happy occasions from now on, will be tainted by the dissapointment of not having my father there with me. I'm sure you all know what I mean by this. Everyone always says that holidays will be the hardest, but I think its the little occasions that get to me more. The holidays have been a blur to me and I get through them because I prepare myself for them before hand. The other day we had a barbaque in the back yard, and I just broke down. I didn't realize it would affect me the way it did, but I just couldn't stop myself from crying. Looking over at the grill, and not seeing my dad there controling everything and making way too much food, really upset me. It was one of the worst days I've had in months. You never know when it's going to sneak up on you, and you're going to immediately lose it. I have to agree with Lynette, I don't think it is some thing you ever get over, I think it is just something that you eventually learn to live with. It'll never go away, but it will get easier. I have found that it has become easier for me to laugh at the memories of my father, rather than cry, and I have finally been ale to walk outside where his garden is.

I hope all is well with everyone..

Until next time..

Christine

[sargentpepper]

Hi Britney, I hope you get this letter. My name is Jeremy and I am 15 years old. My dad died on June 26, 2006. He got cancer when I was a baby and he almost died then but be was in remission for 14 years so we always thought he beat it. On my 15th birthday in May me, my dad and my mom went out to dinner and my dad didn't feel good. He was at the doctor that day. After dinner we got a call from the dr. and he said to take my dad to the hospital. 3 days latter they said he had Leukemia and he died 1 month and 2 days latter. He never got to leave the hospital. I know how hard this is for you and your brother. Your mom too. If you or your brother want to e-mail me you can. I would like to talk to you. My e-mail is jeremymullett56@msn.com

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Peter

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone, my name is Amanda. On July 12th, I lost my father to a 2 year battle with lung cancer. I was in complete denial until about the last month of his life. The doctors had told my dad twice that he would be fine because the cancer wasn't spreading, but on June 7th we were told he had 2 months or less to live. He lived 1 month and 5 days. The only way to describe how I feel is to say that half of me is gone. I am 23 with a husband and a child and I still feel this void. I shouldn't expect to feel great considering he only died 5 days ago, but for some reason I didn't expect his dying to feel so sudden or hurt this much. I keep thinking about him not being at my daughters first birthday (which is in August), my grandpa means the world to me, I feel like my daughter is being cheated out of that! Why is it that no matter how much you tried to tell someone before they die that you love them, its never enough. You still feel like you should have said or done more? Thanks for letting me share my sorrows, I'll keep all of you in my prayers.

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting a message. I lost my dad at the age of 57 on April 18, 2005 to pancreatic cancer. I decided to write because I just read Amanda\'s post and felt that I really needed to tell her I was in the same boat last year. I am also 23 and married with a daughter. She turned one last August, and not having my father there when I knew he was right outside the delivery room was incredibly hard. I had a very hard time that day. Just know this-your dad will be there, watching down on you and seeing the joy in your daughter\'s eyes. I will definitely keep you as well as everyone else in my prayers. God Bless!

[mandy8]

Thank you so much for replying to my message, it really meant a lot to me. My dad was at the hospital when my daughter was born too. She always called him da-da. How did you get through it? I always try to think of all of the good times we had, but sometimes that only adds to the pain of him not being here. If you can email me, email4amandawilliams@yahoo.com Thanks again, and I will keep you in my prayers.

[Guest Guest]

This is my first post so I\'m sorry if its long-winded. I\'m 24 and originally from Chicago but live in NY. The first time I wanted to move to NY, in 2003 the job that I had applied for didn\'t pan out. Thank God for that because my mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but she didn\'t want to tell me until I found out the results of the interview. My father was petrified. When she had her surgery, he cried in her room. It was only the 2nd time I saw my father cry (he cried one time before that - when his mother passed away). After surgery and radiation she has been in remission. I never thought for a moment that she wouldn\'t make it. She\'s strong and stubborn.

I ended up moving to NY in October of 2004. My fiance lived there and had a career so I made the move. I missed my friends and my mom but I was at a loss for how I felt without my dad. He was there for me everyday after school, we cooked together, grocery shopped togethe, we did everything together.

He was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in December and I was flying out to be with him and my mom. During this time, my fiancee\'s father was going through his 2nd surgery for lung cancer. He beat stage IV cancer almost 8 years prior, and it came back. I was with my father-in-law and then went to home to be with my dad.

The surgery was a success. However he developed a fever that wouldn\'t subside. He got transferred to another hospital for tests. I had to go back to NY to work. My mom called me to tell me that it was cancer. They found colon cancer that had spread to the liver. I couldn't stop crying. I was inconsolable. THe doctors were confident in the treatment plan - chemotherapy immediately. I called my father and told him that I would move back to CHicago immediately. He said no way. He told me to look after my fiancee and that he was fine. He was doing so well, the chemo took a number on him, plus he was doing physical therapy for his knees. He never complained. That was my father - strong, loving and a fighter. He said that I neeeded to continue with the wedding plans b/c that was what got him through the grueling physical therapy. His dreams of dancing at my wedding. In the meanwhile, my fiancee\'s father was doing poorly. He stopped chemo in May because he couldn\'t handle it anymore. The doctors gave him 3 months max.

Between father being sick, John, my fiancee\'s being terminal, and our wedding plans I was exhausted. I travelled to see my dad as often as I could. We talked everyday. Then came our wedding.

Thank God that both of our fathers held on to make it. The wedding was August 20th. It was the most amazing day of our lives. This was the 3rd time I saw my father cry. After the wedding, both went down hill. My father had switched chemotherapy regimens, and the new one not only wiped him out, it wasn't effective. We didn't know how uneffective it was until Thanksgiving.

His brother and sister flew in from Greece becasue he wanted to see them. My aunt told me, after he passed, that he was not aware that he was so close to death. He was tlaking about visiting them the next summer. When I saw my dad, I cried for 2 hours. He became a skeleton of what he once was. He told me not to cry and that he would be fine. I went back to NY, thinking that all was well. On the Monday before he died, I spoke to his oncologist that said for me to stay in NY and not to rush back. He said all would be fine. THat Wednesday evening, the oncologist told my mom that I needed to come right away. John and I flew in on Thursday morning and stayed with him until Saturday. He wasn't able to communicate and he was so heavily medicated that all I could do was sit next to him, holding his hand and kissing him. Saturday night we went hom when my mom said to get rest. She also was exhausted and came home around 2AM. Around 5AM, December 11th he died. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for letting him die alone.

My father-in-law then passed on Februrary 16th. Instead of enjoying our first year as a wedded couple, we are in mourning. We fight all the time, for no reason except that we are in such emotional pain from our losses. I can\'t sleep, I can\'t think, I feel so empty. It seems to have gotten progressively worse in the past month. I\'ll be ok, and then it hits me \"my dad died, I\'ll never see him or talk to him agan.\" I am at my wit\'s end. Is this normal, does it really ever get better?

Please help, as the depression is horrific.

[imissdaddy]

Hello guest. I am truly sorry to hear of both your father and father's-in-law death. I cannot imagine having all that happen right after being married. I lost my dad last April; I had been married for 19 months and had an 8 month old daughter. Don't beat yourself up for not being with your dad the morning he passed-he may have waited until everyone to leave to ease your comfort. I was in the room with my dad-sometimes I wish I wasn't, but then sometimes I am glad I was there. I always felt torn between my baby and my dad. If I was at the hospital, I felt bad for not being at home, and if I was at home, I felt bad for not being at the hospital. The fighting with your husband, I'm sure is just from all the stress. Have you and/or he tried grief counseling? mY mom went to a group called Griefshare and I think it really helped her. Sometimes, I am like you and it all of the sudden hits me that I will never talk to him again. I get to the point to where I have a hard time looking at pictures of him healthy b/c that's not how I remember him. I feel cheated, too. I am only 23 and have 1 parent and 1 grandparent left. Anyways. take care and keep in touch on the board. MAybe talking baout it will help. You are in my prayers.

Amanda-thanks for the reply. I will be in touch soon.

This is my first post so I'm sorry if its long-winded. I'm 24 and originally from Chicago but live in NY. The first time I wanted to move to NY, in 2003 the job that I had applied for didn't pan out. Thank God for that because my mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but she didn't want to tell me until I found out the results of the interview. My father was petrified. When she had her surgery, he cried in her room. It was only the 2nd time I saw my father cry (he cried one time before that - when his mother passed away). After surgery and radiation she has been in remission. I never thought for a moment that she wouldn't make it. She's strong and stubborn.

I ended up moving to NY in October of 2004. My fiance lived there and had a career so I made the move. I missed my friends and my mom but I was at a loss for how I felt without my dad. He was there for me everyday after school, we cooked together, grocery shopped togethe, we did everything together.

He was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in December and I was flying out to be with him and my mom. During this time, my fiancee's father was going through his 2nd surgery for lung cancer. He beat stage IV cancer almost 8 years prior, and it came back. I was with my father-in-law and then went to home to be with my dad.

The surgery was a success. However he developed a fever that wouldn't subside. He got transferred to another hospital for tests. I had to go back to NY to work. My mom called me to tell me that it was cancer. They found colon cancer that had spread to the liver. I couldn't stop crying. I was inconsolable. THe doctors were confident in the treatment plan - chemotherapy immediately. I called my father and told him that I would move back to CHicago immediately. He said no way. He told me to look after my fiancee and that he was fine. He was doing so well, the chemo took a number on him, plus he was doing physical therapy for his knees. He never complained. That was my father - strong, loving and a fighter. He said that I neeeded to continue with the wedding plans b/c that was what got him through the grueling physical therapy. His dreams of dancing at my wedding. In the meanwhile, my fiancee's father was doing poorly. He stopped chemo in May because he couldn't handle it anymore. The doctors gave him 3 months max.

Between father being sick, John, my fiancee's being terminal, and our wedding plans I was exhausted. I travelled to see my dad as often as I could. We talked everyday. Then came our wedding.

Thank God that both of our fathers held on to make it. The wedding was August 20th. It was the most amazing day of our lives. This was the 3rd time I saw my father cry. After the wedding, both went down hill. My father had switched chemotherapy regimens, and the new one not only wiped him out, it wasn't effective. We didn't know how uneffective it was until Thanksgiving.

His brother and sister flew in from Greece becasue he wanted to see them. My aunt told me, after he passed, that he was not aware that he was so close to death. He was tlaking about visiting them the next summer. When I saw my dad, I cried for 2 hours. He became a skeleton of what he once was. He told me not to cry and that he would be fine. I went back to NY, thinking that all was well. On the Monday before he died, I spoke to his oncologist that said for me to stay in NY and not to rush back. He said all would be fine. THat Wednesday evening, the oncologist told my mom that I needed to come right away. John and I flew in on Thursday morning and stayed with him until Saturday. He wasn't able to communicate and he was so heavily medicated that all I could do was sit next to him, holding his hand and kissing him. Saturday night we went hom when my mom said to get rest. She also was exhausted and came home around 2AM. Around 5AM, December 11th he died. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for letting him die alone.

My father-in-law then passed on Februrary 16th. Instead of enjoying our first year as a wedded couple, we are in mourning. We fight all the time, for no reason except that we are in such emotional pain from our losses. I can't sleep, I can't think, I feel so empty. It seems to have gotten progressively worse in the past month. I'll be ok, and then it hits me "my dad died, I'll never see him or talk to him agan." I am at my wit's end. Is this normal, does it really ever get better?

Please help, as the depression is horrific.

[mandy8]

To: imissdaddy, I will be looking forward to talking with you more. It helps to have people who understand to talk to. And To: Guest, I agree that you should try grief counseling. This will create such a strong bond between you and your husband. To lose a parent is soooo hard. And unless it happens to you, you honestly have no idea what its like. My husband has no idea what its like to lose a father, so he can't truly understand my emotions. (Not that I would want him to.) But you two know how each other feel. Pull strength from that, lean on each other and you will become stronger. I look at pictures of my dad, sometimes I cry and sometimes I feel like I understand now more than ever all the things he tried to teach me. I wish I could tell him, but I know God is taking care of him. Keep hope, God carrys us when we thing we've reached our last mile. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless.

[imissdaddy]

Hey everyone. Just checking in. I heard a song on GAC yesterday by Diamond Rio-it's called "God Only Cries." I had to go buy the CD tonight. The words are so true if you really listen to it. It says that God only cries for the living because we are the ones who are so far from home and that we are the ones who have to go on. There are several other songs that I try to listen to often to not be so depressed. I remember when we were planning my dad's service, our pastor told us that music and singing seems to heal, so we sang one of my dad's favorites-How Great Thou Art-at the funeral.

Take care.

[mindy10]

Hi everyone. I just recently lost my dad to colon cancer and it has been about a month and I just cant get his last 2 1/2 months of dying out of my head. It was a painful death both mentally and physically. He did not want to die and one day he would say I dont want to die like this and another day he would ask me how long does it take to die of cancer I cant take it anymore. Those thoughts are going over and over in my head. I just keep remembering how bad he looked he was down to 110 pounds when he died from 158. Those sleepless nights of staying up with him because he was so afraid of dying in his sleep. I would stay up with him and rub his feet all night long so he would not be scared. I just cant get the picture of his scared face looking back at me day after day. I could not be with him the day he died because I could not watch him take his last breath. But the weird thing is I was home sleeping on the couch and I woke up exactly at 12:55 and looked at the clock and my sister called 5 minutes later and told me dad passed away at 12:55. I believe he came to say goodbye to me and my daughter. My mom told him at 12:45 I could not be with him because I was home taking care of the baby and he died within 10 minutes. I hope in time the last 2 1/2 months of his life memories go away and are replaced with the good memories of the good ole days when he use to joke and laugh and talk about the Boston Red Soxs with me. Thanks for listening. Mindy

[mandy8]

To Mindy10, When my dad was sick with lung cancer he was kind of similar. Some days he would joke about his illness, other days he was so angry, sometimes he was sad or serious. Once he seemed kind of scared to me. He said he hoped that everything he believed was really true about heaven. I assured him that it was. There are so many unknowns about death and dying. We know what we believe, and we hold to that. I'm sure your dad found some peace. Maybe he was letting you know that by waking you up at 12:55. Have you had dreams about your dad? I've dreamed about mine almost every night since he died. I miss him so much. I just wish I could hug him and tell him I love him again. My mom had told me that my dad's favorite song was Life's Highway. So I ordered the CD. When I listen to it I can picture my dad smiling and reminicing of the old days. I am happy for my dad to be in a better place. He went through a lot here. My dad was having a hard time knowing that our family would be okay. Maybe your dad was having a hard time letting go because he loved your family so much. But I know one thing, with the way you took care of him, he knows 110% just how much you loved and cared for him. I'm sure that gave him great peace in itself. Take care, this is a rough road, but you'll get through it. Your dad is not scared anymore, he is in a place where he will never hurt or fear again. God Bless you.

[mindy10]

Hi Mandy, thanks for the response. My dad was also hoping heaven was everything he hoped. When he was in the hospital I had a priest come in to talk to him and my sister in law talked to him about a week before he died and told him all about heaven. Like you said he was upset about leaving us. When ever he would look at my 20 month old daughter he would cry and say he will never see her grow up. Im just happy he was here for her first birthday and her christening. I have it all on tape and have already watched it. Its nice to see him and hear his voice when he was strong. Im sorry you lost your dad. It is a long road and Im just waiting for those days when I can start remembering the good days and not the last days of his life. Thanks again. Mindy

[mandy8]

Hi Mindy, sorry it took so long to get back with you. Ya know, these message boards really are kinda helpful. I look forward to getting responses to my messages, and its nice to have people to share with. But anyhow, I think you will get past the last days of your dads life. You'll always remember them, but try to remember the positive about it. Look at how much time you spent with him. I didn't really come to terms with the fact that my dad was actually dying until about 3 weeks before he died. But we had some good conversations during that time, and I let him know how much he meant to me. In 2 days it will have been 1 month since my dad passed. I miss him so much. My little girls b-day party will be on Aug. 26th, and I really wish he could be there. But I know his spirit is always going to be with us. My mom said everytime my dad held my daughter, since the day she was born, he would pray for her to have a blessed life. I think God will listen, don't you? I look at it this way, we hurt losing our loved ones, but we are Gods children. Who are we to question him wanting to bring his children home? I would want my daughter with me?! That brings me some comfort, I hope it does you. I'll talk to you soon. God Bless!

[imissdaddy]

Hi Mindy. I am sorry about the loss of your dad. My dad died last April. I don\'t think he ever accepted the fact that he was dying, so that kinda makes it harder. I know he didn\'t want to die-but then again, who does? I remember those last days, too. I don\'t think those memories will ever go away. Even thogh we knew it was coming, it still didn\'t seem real. Even sometimes to his day I think he\'s coming back; then when I tell myself he isn\'t, I get really upset. My little girl turned 2 this week. I wish he would have been here-again.

Mandy-how are you? My daughter\'s b-day was Wednesday. Her party is the 12th. I remember last year-her 1st and my dad wasn\'t there. I had a hard time. But always remember that he sees everything. I just found out last week that I am expecting my second-in April. It will be bittersweet-he passed in April. I think he had a hand in this one. Hope you are doing well.

[mindy10]

Hi Mandy, nice to hear from you again and congratulations in the baby. I have dreams of my dad all the time. Sometimes its of him when he was sick but mostly he is walking real fast and normal and in the dream I say oh my god dad is walking normal again. He didnt walk fast for about a year so I think thats why I have those dreams. Sometimes he is running. Maybe he is 100% now in heaven and running so thats why I have those dreams. So you lost your dad to lung cancer so Im sure it was like it was with my dad the last two weeks of not eating and getting weaker and weaker and not being able to do anything for themselves. Where you there the last day? I could not see him take his last breath so I said goodbye when he was sleeping and he didnt hear me and I planed on going back but he died three days later and I feel bad he didnt hear me say goodbye. But I probably would of told him I will see you again if he was awake and it would of been a lie so maybe its better he was asleep. I remember crying because I knew it would be the last time my daughter would see because I would not take her again because he was real bad at that point and was getting real confused and afraid of loud noises. Little did I know it was the last time I would see him alive. Hopefully soon we both can start to remember the good memories. Mindy

[mindy10]

Hi I missdaddy. Sorry for your loss. What did your dad die from? My dad had colon cancer so it was 2 1/2 months of mental and physical pain. We never came out and told him this was it. He did good on chemo for 1 year and then the tumors in his lungs caused his lung to fill with fluid and that was the beginning of the end. He never recoved so he couldnt get anymore chemo. I think he gave up at that point because he hated chemo so much. But even after that we never discussed death with him. I remember he said did the drs tell you how much time and I said no but I knew only a few months but how do you tell someone that who was so scared of dying. He then said to me well they told me last year months to years but that was when he was on chemo and I didnt have the heart to tell him that so I left the room and cried like a baby. Its funny that towards the end you want them to pass because they are in so much pain and you feel relieved but now a month later I want him back!!! Its so hard to wrap my hands around that he will never be back. It freaks me out. Well I better go or I will start crying like a baby again. Mindy

[imissdaddy]

Hi mindy. My dad died from pancreatic cancer as the primary cause but he was a very sick man. He also had emphysema, CHF, anuerysms, etc. He was diagnosed in November of 2004 and passed away in Aprill of 2005. So it was only 5 1/2 months. I don't really think he ever accepted it-that he was gonna die. Even 12 days before he died, when in ICU, he told my sister and I, "I'm not gonna do any more chemo until I get stronger." And we just had to listen-knowing that was not going to happen. I agree with you how you get to the point where you feel relieved whn they do go. I felt the same way with my grandmother, and I always thought I was a bad person for thinking that. But I think even they are relieved. The morning my dad died, he opened his eyes very briefly after being in a morphine-induced coma for 5 days. As soon as my sister and I came into the room with my mom, he took his last breath. My sister says he waited on us. I don't think he wanted to die alone. I had a dream the other night about my dad. It was totally weird. He had died-but I don't remember him being sick or dying-and we were at a church that I had never been to for the funeral/memorial service. I went to sit down, and I turned, and on the pew behind me was him. His hair was not gray and thinned, it was back to normal, and he was very clean shaven. He was crying and hugging my uncle's dad-who is also passed. I keep telling myself that it was God letting my last thought of how he looked be a good one. But then I wonder if it means he was there looking down on everyone, crying because he had died. One day maybe we will all understand. His brother passed away a year after him, and I know he would not been able to handle that, so maybe that's why GOd took him first.

Take care-imissdaddy