Loss of a Father

January 29, 2006

I just lost my Dad on Jan. 6th this year. It was a selfish death. He shot himself in the head. I find myself knowing that it is real , yet I feel ok he is gonna call or I am gonna wake up from this horrible dream. I know we burried my father and we are trying to deal. I have cried, not as much as I think I should. Any advice? I think about him all the time. Little things happen and it's like ok Dad I know you are here with me, and your letting me know. I miss him so much.

January 30, 2006

I am so sorry for everyones losses. It has been about two months since my dad passed away, and I am still in a complete daze. Sometimes when I think about my life before my dad died and my life now, it seems like two completely different lifetimes. I can't even imagine ever getting back to the point I was at then. I can't imagine ever being genuinely happy again, and that kills me. Sometimes I think I am making progress and that I am moving forward, and then all of a sudden an overwelming feeling of sadness takes over, and I never want to leave my bed again. I'm reading a book right now that my mom got for me, and it's making things a little easier for me. Its called 'I wasn't ready to say goodbye', but Im not sure who the author is. I would recommend it to anyone who feels they are having a hard time accepting a death. God bless you all..

January 30, 2006

I lost my father a month ago today on the 30.12.05. I am finding it so hard to cope with certain things. I am 26 and my dad was 64 christmas day. He wasn't sick and was very healthy. I was chief bridesmaid at my friends wedding on the 28.12.05 and did not get a chance to see my dad before he died. He died from a thing called veintricullar arrithymia (sudden death) and i just got a phone call to come home straight away. I am an only child and live at home with my mom. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but nothing seems to be helping me cope with my loss. I am unable to sleep on my own since Dad died, when my boyfriend is over he sleeps with me but when he is not i have to ask friends or relation's to sleep over also i need a light on all night. Is this normal and does it pass? I feel like part of me has died too...

January 31, 2006

I lost my father on 12-15-05 its been almost two months, and still it all seems unreal to me. My father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 49. Im 20 and I have two sisters one is 25 and the other is 18. I was having alot of trouble sleeping right after my dad died, mainly because I was the one who came home and found him dead in his bed. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my dads lifeless body lying there. I went to the doctor and got anti anxiety pills to take before I go to sleep. I know this isn't an option that everyone is interested in, but I find that they have helped me enormously. Its a very low dosage and I only take them when I really feel that it is necessary. If thats not an option you are interested in, you just have to keep remembering that what you are going through is normal and that there are people out there experiencing the same things as you. I write letters to my dad and keep them in a box, usually just saying things that I would have said to him if he was still here. I tell him about my day and about all the things that are currently going on in my life. It helps me to know that I am still able to share things with my dad. You and your family ar ein my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

January 31, 2006

I found out Jan 28th, 2006 that my father passed away 1/27/05 from a sudden heart attack at age 64. I can't even begin to cope with this--I feel like I am falling apart. My wedding is scheduled for 2/14/06, 2 weeks from now and my dad was so excited that his little girl was getting married. My wedding dress is his gift to me. I just cant help thinking that now he will never get to see me in it. I am also 5 1/2 months pregnant with his first grandchild--and he was so happy about the baby that now he will never get to know. All of this is just killing me and I just can't see a way out of this hole. I dont want to talk to anyone, I haven't returned to work. I am blessed that my fiance is a good man and has been taking care of me but nothing seems to matter anymore. And people say "well you have to be strong and look forward to the baby coming" but I can't even begin to feel that right now. I just feel hollow and empty and in an unimaginable amount of pain.

I want to thank you all for your posts, especially *myfathermyhero* -- in your post from I think it was 1/18/06 you describe so many feelings that I am having right now.

Anyway--I am sorry for the loss that all of you feel and I know first hand that there is nothing anyone can do or say to make the pain ease up at all.

January 31, 2006

sorry--typo i found out that he died 1/27/06 not 05

February 14, 2006

I am so sorry for your loss, and I am really glad that my posts were able to help you. I remember when I found this board, it was such a relief to know that there was somewhere I could come and share my thoughts and feelings about everything I am going through. I know that there are no words that can make you feel better right now, and the only thing I can really say, is that things do start to get better. It'll be two months on the 15th that my dad has been gone, and each day I feel like I am getting a little bit stronger than the day before. In the first couple of weeks following my fathers death, it was a struggle to get through each day, but now I find that I am finding strength, that I never even knew I had. Our lives are never going to be the same, but I think the most important thing, is how we carry on with our lives from this point on. We can either let these horrible & unexpected events break us, or we can keep pushing our selves and become the amazing people we are all destined to be. It's not the events in life that shape you as a person, it's the way you handle these events. God bless you and your family.

February 15, 2006

I am not new to this site, but I have not posted in quite a while. I lost my father in April of 2005. This past year has been difficult. Visiting this site often and reading all of your posts has helped me to know I am not alone. Even through the holidays, although it was difficult, I handled my sorrow better than I thought I would. I am finding that all of a sudden I am feeling worse. I am getting these feelings of sheer panic and loss of breath. I'm sure that as it is getting closer to the anniversary of his death, it is probably the cause. I don't miss him any less today as I did the day he died, so I can't understand why this is happening now. I am also becoming obsessed with finding a medium who can help me connect with my father. I don't know if this will give me any comfort, but am desperate to try. If there is anyone has experienced similar feelings, I would appreciate any help you can offer. I don't know haow much worse this can get!

February 15, 2006

Hi (((All)))

I am new, and was just reading over the posts here. And although I have not lost my father, I lost my mother when I was just a teenager, and it has turned out to be THE MOST DEFINING MOMENT of my life here. (For many different reasons.) So...although my loss may not be exactly the same, I think that many of the feelings ARE the same. And if I may offer a little bit of the wisdom that time has blessed me with:

To Guest (who is getting married, and upset because your Dad "will never get to know your baby"): I would like to say something that someone once told me that made so much sense to me that I truly DO believe it with all of my heart. Hon-YOUR DADDY HELD YOUR BABY IN HEAVEN, BEFORE IT CAME HERE TO YOU! Oh yes, I do believe this! Their tiny "souls" have to come from God, too ya know! So I think that your Daddy rocked his grandchild FIRST, before anyone. I hope you come back and read this, because I think it will give you a little peace to consider that possibility. And for you to consider that he is watching over you, and he was there with you at your wedding "in spirit", if not in body!

To songbird-I am actually doing a scientific study/article/research about the phenomen about which you posted. About 15-18 months after my brother Jody passed in 1997, I suddenly began to feel as if I were "losing him again, all over somehow"... SO KNOW THAT WHAT YOUR SENSES TELLS YOU ISN'T CRAZY! I have a theory I am trying to research. And if ANYONE has noticed anything of this nature, I hope you'll post and let me know!

To myfathermyhero: I just hope you have some sense of how PROUD your Daddy has to be of you, dear. You are in pain, but your "hanging tough". And by doing so, you are helping others more than you may realize!

And to all of you, or anyone else-I'd like to share one thing that a friend I've made in England now tells me that I shared that REALLY helped her. She said that my saying IT WILL NEVER HURT LESS, YOU'LL JUST GET STRONGER AND WISER, BIT BY BIT "felt right" to her. Because YEAH! There are times I go back *there*, and can feel ALL of the hurt and upset and heartache! BUT I also finally figured out for myself that I CANNOT GO BACK TO WHEN THEY WERE HERE. And so...I began trying to "build" A "NEW" NORMAL for myself. A completely NEW way of doing holidays, etc. And doing that helped give me strength, too. (As opposed to just trying to do THE SAME OLD THINGS with them so obviously "missing".)

I hope something above may help you some.

Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers!

With the love that never ends,

your spiritual sis

(\O/) vickie (\O/)

February 16, 2006

Vikigee,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Today was the two month anniversary of my fathers death, and that was just what I needed to help me through this day. I especially loved that part about my Father being the first person to see my children. I was actually sitting here crying like a baby when I read that. I've never really thought about it like that, and I'm glad that you shared that with us.

Songbird,

Although it has only been 2 months since my father died, I can completely realte to everything you are going through right now. I get the same feelings that you get. Sometimes I'll be at work, and all of a sudden I'll start to feel really nervous and I start having trouble breathing. I think it's at these times that the magnitude of never seeing my father again, really starts to sink in. It makes me nervouse to go to public places, because I never know when I am going to start freaking out. I have also been checking the John Edwards sight, but they said they aren't taking anymore appointments right now. I check it everyday. Because my fathers death was so sudden I just feel like there is alot of things I would liek to say to him.

I know people are going to probably think i'm crazy, but I swear I knew my father was going to die before it happened. I had been having really horrible dreams that something was going to happen to my father, and every night before I went to bed all of a sudden I would just start thinking about what would happen if my dad died. I would immediately push the thoughts away, and tell myself that I was just being paranoid, and I was worrying over nothing, because my father was only 49 and pretty healthy, as far as we were concerned. Now I feel like I should have said something to him. I feel like I should have told him to see a doctor, but I didn't because I didn't really think that it meant anything. This is mainly why I really want to see a median, because I want to appologize to my dad for not warning him, and I want to make sure that he's okay.

February 16, 2006

THank you for both of your responses. I am having another sleepless night and knew this would be the place to come.

Vikigee,

I have a friend who just gave birth to her 1st daughter 2 weeks ago(she already has a son). She never was interested in knowing the sex of the baby, but a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant, she had a dream of her grandfather, my father and a friend of hers who passed when we were kids. They were standing around her lying in a bed. Her grandfather was holding the baby in his arms. He told her he was hold her little girl. She just woke up. Her 3 year old son talks about speaking to and playing wither grandfather often. He never met him. But, he too told his mother that he spoke to him and told him that he had a sister for him, around the same time she had this dream. So, I too believe that our loved ones have a hand in sending our babies to us.

Myfathermyhereo,

For me, I thought that the period 2-3 months after my father passed was worse than the day he died. Alot of things start to settle around you and other peoples lives go back to normal and you feel like people are looking at you and waiting for you to "snap" out if it. It is a very lonely time. I would go shopping and all of a sudden I would get hot and feel like I was going to pass out. I would have to leave the store. I am feeling this all over again, like its new. I have read that there are stages of heeling and we fluctuate between them in the process. I know we will never get over our loss, but I look forward to the time when I can live without the guilt of his death, and just remember the wonderful life I had with him and be happy.

As for John Edwards, I have been told by people who have been to many good mediums, not to waste the money. A friend of mine spent alot of money to go to a seminar with him. She said he has become all about the money and she didn't feel a connection with him at all. She gave me some very good names of people in the New York area. If this would be of help to you, I will pass them on. THey are all impossible to make an appointment with though. My fathers death was also very sudden and when I think back to the events of his life the week before it happened, I too feel I should have known. But we can't know. I understand too well how you feel.

February 16, 2006

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time I have ever used a message board so forgive me if I'm doing this wrong. I just lot my Dad last Thursday. I feel like it's just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and he will be here. He was only 61. I'm 29 and was expecting him to around for 10 or 20 more years and I'm very angry. It was a sudden death, one minute he was admitted to Emergecy the next he was in ICU and the next he had only a day or so to live. My emotions are all over the place and none of my friends seem to really understand. Any words of advice would be really helpful. I'm staying with my Mom right now and I'm trying to be strong for her but it's really hard sometimes, I feel like my heart is broken. Anyway, just thought I would try this out.

A

February 16, 2006

Wow! I am really amazed at a couple of things I read here today.

(((Guest))) I think this is a great "safe place" for you at this point in your life. Because TRUST ME-if there is anything I am certain of, it's that nothing in life can ever prepare us for losing someone really dear to us. NOTHING! And yet, our friends and others we know casually will TRY THEIR BEST to get us to "snap out of it" or "get over it" when we're in the throes of grief, "...because I've lost people/known people who died, and I wasn't like *this*..."

Truth be told, I had a HORRIBLE fight with one of my dearest friends about this. She was just trying to be my friend, but she was into the area of thought that, "Since she's not getting over it on her own, maybe I can help PUSH her over!", or something similar to that. And oh myyyyyy! As if my loss were not bad enough, then I had to FIGHT with her for MY RIGHT TO GRIEVE IN MY OWN WAY(S)!

Then a couple of years later, her own mother was struck with an aggressive brain tumor. And within weeks, she didn't recognize my friend/her daughter. And in about a month, she died. And ONLY THEN did this friend finally say to me one day "out of the blue"-"I owe you a BIG apology, Viki. I really, honestly thought I knew how you felt. And I only wanted to help. BUT I WAS CLUELESS-and not because I don't love you and care! It's just that....YOU CAN'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU!" EXACTLY! Try to make it a point to TAKE THAT LESSON from your loss, Guest. YOU have to be the wiser one about this. And TIME WILL PROVE YOU RIGHT, trust me.

Until then, please know we're here to listen to you, even if you just want to VENT!

FOR ME, finding the courage to just SPEAK MY FEARS has been one of the most helpful things. But you do have to find A SAFE PLACE for that. AND YOU HAVE FOUND ONE HERE!

Please come back and share with us.

Trust me-you'll be AMAZED at what people can teach you just by sharing their experience. Even as a grief recovery pro now...almost every day, I learn something new FROM THOSE WHO ARE OFTEN HURTING THE MOST! And trust me-the lesson is NEVER lost on me-that's why I'm here!

With the love that never ends,

your spiritual sis

(\O/) viki (\O/)

February 16, 2006

(((songbird))) and (((myfathermyhero))),

First songbird: I LOVE that dream your friend had! And because I've had a very powerful ADC dream about my older/only brother Jody that passed-oh yeah. I TOTALLY BELIEVE that our loved ones who have gone HOME are "not too far from here"! Even a pastor that my family used to have who is VERY elderly now told me not long ago when we spoke by phone: "You know...I'm convinced now that our loved ones can't be very far away from us. Because the Bible says they're with God. And it also says that God is always with us-so HOW COULD THEY BE VERY FAR AWAY?"

I was very moved by this. Because this man tends to be like my dad-leaning toward fundamentalist. And fundamentalists tend to NOT believe much in "spiritual gifts". (Even though the Bible DOES speak of them!) So...I thought this was A HUGE STEP for this wonderful, but elderly man to open up his heart and mind to the possibility after SO MANY YEARS. (And after losing his beloved wife, I might add. EXPERIENCE is often THE BEST TEACHER of all!)

I am personally working on trying to grasp/accept that LIFE IS A CIRCLE. There is NO BEGINNING OR END-just forward movement, which involves constant changes. Some of those changes are HUGE-as in the transition from a spiritual and physical being to a purely spiritual one. But YES! I've had enough "Godincidences" happen to me in the last 30 years that I honestly DO believe that THERE IS NO END. Just "changes". (Hope that makes sense.) But I thought when I heard that thing about how our loved ones in heaven HOLD OUR BABIES FIRST....yes! Something about that was SO BEAUTIFUL and beyond even my wildest imaginings that I HAD to admit it had an undeniable ring of TRUTH to it. And not MY truth, or the person who told me's truth. BUT THE GOD-HONEST TRUTH, if you know what I mean!

Now myfathermyhero: YOU DO NOT KNOW what your post today has meant to ME! Because OH YEAH! Very much like you, I think I somehow ALWAYS *sensed* that something was going to happen to my mother! I am a writer, songwriter, etc.-"very creative being"-so I'm almost always "tippy-toeing" through other realms, and I always have been! LOL Actually we ALL do that A LOT as a child. Well-I just never STOPPED! LOL BUT-here's the thing.

One game in particular I used to play was..."WHAT IF...?" And I'd imagine all of these different scenarios, and how I'd react, or what I'd say. ONLY AFTER MY MOTHER PASSED, did I one day remember that one of the MOST recurring themes for me was "What if....I found out my mother was dying?" Which allowed me to explore what I might say, or how I might act, etc UNDER THE "SAFETY NET" OF IT ONLY BEING A PREMISE. But then she DID die! And I began to figure out..."Wait a minute! NEVER ONCE did I play "What if...?" about dad, or my sis, or brother, or even my grandmother! ONLY ABOUT MAMA!

YOU are the only other person I have ever heard say they had an experience like me, myfathermyhero! So I HAVE TO VALIDATE FOR YOU that no-YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

After I got past thinking that maybe my thoughts somehow "made it happen", I finally realized that I think that either God, or angels, or my guides-SOMEONE who *knew* what a LOOP her death would eventually throw me-was trying to "let the idea cross my consciousness" without filling me with fear IN ORDER TO PREPARE ME AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE "beforehand".

Kinda...as a protective measure? As it turned out, I overdosed on Mama's Valium and almost died when they took her away from home for the last time. SO...I guess you could say that the concern WAS WELL-FOUNDED. But at least THE IDEA HAD CROSSED MY MIND-even if in a "safe" way. If it hadn't, and I'd only been confronted with the harsh reality HEAD ON-well...YES! I do think it would have been worse. Simply because I could NOT say, "Well, it NEVER CROSSED MY MIND that anything might happen to her!"

I think it's the same with your dad, dear. I think that "someone" who watches over you was just trying to prepare you as SAFELY as they possibly could.

So I don't think this was meant for you to warn your dear dad. I feel certain he'd tell you that, as well. AND YOU CAN TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Just HAVE FAITH, and speak to him as if you KNOW he's listening! Do it over and over again; begin to establish a "new" kind of relationship with him. AND IF YOU KEEP THE FAITH AND ARE PERSISTENT....well, you just might be AMAZED. Because I think they DO tend to not respond to us sometimes when we're in the worst pain. But if we INSIST things have only CHANGED and not ended...sometimes they just can't resist "coming through" somehow, to let us know!

(((Hugs))) to you both.

With the love that never ends,

your spiritual sis

(\O/) viki (\O/)

February 16, 2006

Songbird,

I completely agree with everything you said. I look around and see all of my freinds just going on with their lives and if nothing has happened, and it seems they expect me to do the same thing. I finally had to say to a few of my close friends the other day, that I am still grieving and that I am still struggling to do every day things. I have to agree that I think at this point right now, it is worse than right after my dad died. Now I am having to face the reality and severity of the situation, and I have to start to adjust to live with out my dad. A friend of mine lost her brother a few years ago, and when she talks about him she smiles and she laughs. I can't wait until memories of my father will bring a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes.

Thank you for warning me about John Edwards. I kind of got that feeling about him after looking at his website. I also live in the New York area, Long Island to be exact, so any information you have I would really appreciate.

I have alot of problems being in public places. I get really nervous when I got somewhere that I know I won't be able to just start crying if I need to. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's just something I can't do yet.

I hope you are starting to feel a little bit better, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Vikigee,

I don't think you could ever know how much your post meant to me. I have always been a very spiritual person. I've read every book Sylvia Brown has ever written and I am a big believer in the 'Other side'. When you were talking about the dreams and the scenarios you played in your head, I swear I felt like I was telling the story myself. I think I always knew that I would eventally have to live with out my father, because like you, I would always think about 'what if's'. It became much stronger in the 3 or 4 months before my fathers death. Every night before I went to sleep, images would flash in my mind of my fathers funeral or of my father falling down and grabbing his chest. Since I'm very superstitious I would always knock on the wood by my window.

I too think that it was a way to prepare me for what was going to happen. When I came home from work that day and found my dad in his bed, I felt almost like I had known all along that I would eventually end up in this situaiton. I was able to react very rationally, and call my mom and my sisters and then the police. I didn't cry until later on that night. I think about it now though, and I know that I had always been mentally preparing myself for this, and that it was obviously what was meant to happen. If anything the dreams tell me that this was fate, and this was what was supposed to happen. I'm a very big believer in the fact that everyones lives are predestined. It was my fathers time to go, and this was something that my mother, my sisters and I were all supposed to live through.

Until next time, God Bless You..

Guest,

I know exactly what you are feeling right now. That first week or two are probably the wierdest ones by far. You are still trying to wrap your mind around what has happened, and you can't really seem to understand it. In the snap of a finger your life has changed drastically and perminantely, and you have absolutely no control over it. I still sometimes after twom months think I am going to come home and find my dad in the living room watching tv. It does eventually get a little bit easier though. It will all start to feel more real and although its hard, you will be able to find your own way to deal with it. I know exactly what you are talking about with your friends. Since I am only 20 and most of my freinds are around the same age, no one has ever really dealt with something like this before, so they have absolutely no idea of how to help you and make you feel better. I simply told my freinds that i needed time to deal with it on my own and with my family and that I would let them know when I was ready to open up to them about it. I think you really need to come to terms with most of it yourself & with your family before you discuss it with freinds. Someone that has never really experienced a loss like this, can't possibly know how you are feeling, and sometimes that becomes frusturating. I wish I had more to offer you, but the truth is, nothing anyone says is going to make this better. It sucks. It sucks that we all have to go through this, but we don't really have a say in the matter. Every morning when I have to get up for work, and I feel like I'd rather just stay in bed all day, I tell my self 'I don't have a choice but to keep getting up and to keep going with my life'. Although we wish it did, the world isn't going to stop and wait around for us to heal and get over this, we have to go out there and live our lives. Your father is watching you right now, and he's proud of you. He would want you to eventually be happy again, so make you you keep that in mind. God Bless You..

Until next time...

Christine

February 17, 2006

Hi to everyone. I have been reading all of your posts and I can't tell you how much better I feel after reading them. At times, just having someone who you know shares your pain, is enough to get you through that day.

Christine, I was given the name and # of a medium in Baldwin, NY. I was told that he was right on the money. I will get it to you tomorrow. I am going to call him. My friend told me he was easy to get an appointment with. I can't wait to go. As for public places, I know too well. My fiance and I would go out to dinner alot. There is one place that we go to often. The few months after my father died, I couldn't get though dinner without crying. I think the waiters thought I was a nut, because they didn't know why I was ceying all the time. You just need to do what feels right to you. The 2 weeks that my father was in a coma, and the week of his funeral, I didn't cry much. I was having a really hard time allowing myself to let it out. My sister and my mom were always crying and I was beginning to think there was somthing wrong with me. After everyone went away and back to there lives, I lost my mind! I know that it is hard to see it now, but I have been where you are and I can tell you that there will be times in the very near future when you will think of him and smile and you won't feel guilty for it. My dad's best friend is a riot and when I am in his company, he always makes sure to make me smile. I hope you have someone in your life who can do this for you. You are in my prayers.

Also my heart goes out to the guest that lost her dad a few days ago. It is hard to lose a parent at any age. It seems that there are alot of people on this site that have lost their parents at a young age. I hope you find some comfort here.

February 18, 2006

Songbird,

That would be great if you could get me that number. Baldwin is actually not too far from where I live, so I owuld be really interested in giving it a try. I am planning on waiting a few months before I go, because I've heard that you shouldn't do it too soon, because it is harder to contact the person. I've actually been having a pretty good day today. I went to my Aunt's house and we had dinner there with all of my family. I know it sounds horrible but it makes it easier knowing that they are sad too, and that they are having to deal with this as well. I guess it just makes me feel less alone.

I know what you are saying about the crying thing. When I came home and found my dad, I had to call my mom and my sisters, and when they all pulled up to the house, they were crying hysterically and they could barely hold themselves up. I mainly just sat by myself and didn't cry or say much to anyone. I finally let myself cry that night, but it was one of the very few times I had cried in that first week or so. I think we are in such a state of shock at that point, that we can't even process it enough to cry.

Until next time... God Bless You all...

Christine

February 19, 2006

I just want to thank you all for your responses and posts in general. The past three weeks have been at times the saddest and yet happiest in my life.

The last gift my father gave me before he died was my wedding. So despite his death less than two weeks before the wedding, I decided that to honor him and my future husband (whom my daddy loved) I would keep the wedding as scheduled. We eloped to the blue ridge mountains and when we got there everything exceeded our expectations. The place was breathtaking---and my daddy, who had instilled in me a love of nature, would have loved everything about it. I could feel his presence all around us for our entire stay there.

I dont know if it sounds crazy, or if its just a way for me to cope, but I feel my dad working around me to make things better and to help me find happiness. I was able to completely immerse myself in the joyful celebration of my wedding last tuesday---it was the most important day of my life. I did not forget about my dad or his death---I even had a picture of him and I with me for the wedding. My husbands father even had a moment of silence for my dad before his toast to us at dinner--so my dads presence was acknowledged---but i didnt feel sad. I guess I just know that my dad used to tell me all the time that one of the things he loved best about me was my joy, my happiness and love of life, and I know he wouldnt want me to be sad even though I miss him desperately.

This may sound crazy, or creepy (i swear its not)--but when i met my husband I told everyone that this man was the first man I had been with that loves me the way my daddy does. They are even the same astrological sign--gemini. I guess I find comfort in knowing that I have been truly blessed with my husband and our baby who is due in three months---many people lose someone close to them and have not been blessed with the support structure I have. None of this takes the pain away or makes the devestation seem any less powerful...it just helps me remember that I still have a lot of people around me that are living that I want to enjoy every precious moment with.

You all are so dynamic--and your posts help me immeasurably. The way you break things down is so real to me---because you tell it like it is--no it wont ever get better--but we'll get wiser and be able to be stronger---and thats about all that I can grasp onto right now.

One other issue I have that is really disconcerting to me is that since my dad passed I have been almost criplingly terrified of losing my husband. I think about it sometimes almost to what i consider a level of obsession and it is tearing me apart. I actually work in a medical examiners office as an autopsy tech and so I am around death at work all day everyday----and i know we dont have control over it---but I cant swallow down this debilitating fear. I even was upset on my very wedding night because I love my husband so much---and I know from my fathers recent death how quickly that can all be snatched away. I dont really know how to cope with these frightening feelings.

Anyway--again, thank you for your posts--we will all get stronger even though we feel at our weakest. And like Myfathermyhero says the world will not wait for us to heal---even though we may not feel like going on---we\'ve got to get up and go through the motions. Thank you so much for having a forum to vent and share.

February 19, 2006

okay at the risk of going on and on---which i didnt want to do--I have to comment on some of the things i just re-read in your posts--i will try to make it short and to the point:

Myfathermyhero--you help me so much and I do not think you are crazy when you say you feel like you knew your dads death was coming.

When I first found out i was pregnant last september I had a conversation with my mom in which I told her "I have Josh, who loves me the way dad does, and now we are having a baby, when I had been diagnosed with fertility problems 5 years ago, maybe its because daddy is going to have a heart attack". And later that night i told Josh about it and said "that better not happen"---I was so afraid that I pushed it out of my consciousness until it actually came to pass 4 months later.

And the way josh and i had just moved in together and really started to progress in the relationship, then to be suddenly pregnant, it was all so uncanny.

So i think you are not crazy because I believe that i was given warnings that i just refused to heed because of how painful it was to accept. On the night i found out my dad died I even recalled that conversation with Josh and said "i knew this was going to happen, I just refused to think about it or accept it".

I believe in the other side--although i'm not quite sure what awaits us. All I know is that I feel my dad around me constantly and working through others. I hope all you find comfort in whatever it is you believe because this pain is so unbearable without believing something I dont think I could cope.

Anyway--thanks again for all your posts and sharing your stories.

*melissa*

February 22, 2006

Hello from scotland

I have just found this website tonight. I wish I had found it sooner. My dad died 7 weeks ago , 3 weeks after he turned 60. He had never been sick for a day in his life but suffered a massive heart attack out of the blue after having spent the morning doing my ironing (he spoilt me rotten even although we did not live together anymore-im 30). I cant belive it has happened he was so fit, a professional footballer for 15 years. He was the single most important person in my life and ill never love anyone more. in the first month i arranged the funeral did a tribute in front of hundreds tied up his estate for my mum bought her a flat comforted my brother when he flew back from australia for a week started a new job 2 weeks after what happened happened arranged for my mum to move in with me etc etc now all of that has died down a bit and since my birthday on 20th jan the numbness shock and anger has passed and im in an even worse place now-like a frozen wilderness. i do all my grieving in private. i dont have a partner just now or children and dont want to burden friends athough they are great. brother has gone back to oz and i was never as close to mum as i was to my dad. biggest regret is that i never gave him grandchildren its all he wanted. found that 2 hours after he died he was going to be a grandad (brother not me). life is cruel. mum has since lost plot a bit and thinks i caused the heartattack i have to assume she is just not thinking straight. i am seeing a medium on saturday, very skeptical about meddling in something i never even believed in but i guess im grasping at straws. i spoke to my dad every day perhaps three or four times and saw him twice a week. as a result of an overwhelming job i didnt see him much during the last year, not knowing it was the last year we had. he had been made redundant 2 years before which he took hard and im haunted by the fact that his last years maybe were not too happy what with redundancy and various relationship breakups for me and my brother resulting in no grandchildren which would have made him the happiest man in the world. its hard to find meaning in anything now. i practically told my dad if i sneezed we spoke so often. the thought of another 30 or 40 years stratching ahead without him seems just unbearable. ive spent my life dreading this happening and now it has. life is so cruel. i appreciate others have had more tragic losses some of the posts are just heartbreaking. i guess i wished that when this happened i had a partner or children to make it easier somehow..but maybe it doesnt i dont know. anyone thanks for listening and thoughts are with you all. thanks for sharing them with me

jill

February 23, 2006

I'm 21 and my 49-year-old Dad died on Oct 31 05. I had no idea how much grief would overcome me after he died, even though he was sick for two years (terminal since Aug 05). I wish I could have his smell in my nose again, I wish I could crawl past all the IVs into the hospital bed with him again, I wish he could just tell me if I was on the right path or not and that the hurt will go away. Its funny because you go through the process once, then something sets you off, like my boyfriend accidently buying the same cologne my dad always wore, and you "relapse"...having to relive, regrieve, reenter fetal position balling your eyes out deep into the night. I miss him so much and feel so cheated...He deserved to at least walk me down the aisle!

My parents our divorced, i guess the blessing is that my mom isn't grieving his death quite at the level she would if she were widowed. Still I feel so alone in my grief. People tell me to hunker down and finish college and get my mind off it....if it were only that easy.

i guess i needed to vent tonight because i'm really missing him.

Thank you for sharing your stories.

February 23, 2006

For guest

Let me first say that I am sorry that you have lost your father. I lost my father many years ago but i still have moments where I wish he were here. It does get easier as the years go by. We are all human and we would be very strange if we didn't grieve for those we love. As for those that tell you to hunker down.... I guess they can't have lost someone close to them. You just do the best you can... noone can ask more of you.

Take care

Jo

February 23, 2006

To hello from scotland

I am sorry for your loss. It is early days for you and you can expect to be up and down for quite some time yet. You seem to be a wonderful daughter to your mother and I am sure that when she is thinking a little more straight she will appreciate all that you have done. I know that I sometimes get grumpy with my daughter and vice versa. We have lost my son and her brother. None of us are perfect and can only do our best to get through these difficult days.

You just do what you have to to help you cope. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Jo

Hello from scotland
I have just found this website tonight. I wish I had found it sooner. My dad died 7 weeks ago , 3 weeks after he turned 60. He had never been sick for a day in his life but suffered a massive heart attack out of the blue after having spent the morning doing my ironing (he spoilt me rotten even although we did not live together anymore-im 30). I cant belive it has happened he was so fit, a professional footballer for 15 years. He was the single most important person in my life and ill never love anyone more. in the first month i arranged the funeral did a tribute in front of hundreds tied up his estate for my mum bought her a flat comforted my brother when he flew back from australia for a week started a new job 2 weeks after what happened happened arranged for my mum to move in with me etc etc now all of that has died down a bit and since my birthday on 20th jan the numbness shock and anger has passed and im in an even worse place now-like a frozen wilderness. i do all my grieving in private. i dont have a partner just now or children and dont want to burden friends athough they are great. brother has gone back to oz and i was never as close to mum as i was to my dad. biggest regret is that i never gave him grandchildren its all he wanted. found that 2 hours after he died he was going to be a grandad (brother not me). life is cruel. mum has since lost plot a bit and thinks i caused the heartattack i have to assume she is just not thinking straight. i am seeing a medium on saturday, very skeptical about meddling in something i never even believed in but i guess im grasping at straws. i spoke to my dad every day perhaps three or four times and saw him twice a week. as a result of an overwhelming job i didnt see him much during the last year, not knowing it was the last year we had. he had been made redundant 2 years before which he took hard and im haunted by the fact that his last years maybe were not too happy what with redundancy and various relationship breakups for me and my brother resulting in no grandchildren which would have made him the happiest man in the world. its hard to find meaning in anything now. i practically told my dad if i sneezed we spoke so often. the thought of another 30 or 40 years stratching ahead without him seems just unbearable. ive spent my life dreading this happening and now it has. life is so cruel. i appreciate others have had more tragic losses some of the posts are just heartbreaking. i guess i wished that when this happened i had a partner or children to make it easier somehow..but maybe it doesnt i dont know. anyone thanks for listening and thoughts are with you all. thanks for sharing them with me
jill

February 23, 2006

HELLO TO EVERYONE HERE,AGAIN. IT HAS BEEN SOMETIME SINCE IVE BEEN ON........I LOST MY DAD AUGUST 7TH,,,,,,AND I WAS FINDING ALOT OF STRENGTH FROM THIS SITE DURING THE MONTHS PRIOR TO HIS PASSING. I LIVE IN FL,AND DAD AN MOM IN NY. THE LAST 9 MOS OF HIS LIFE I SPENT MOSTLY IN NY TAKING CARE OF DAD WITH MOM ON AT HOME HOSPICE......I REMEMBER BEGGING AND PRAYING THAT I WOULD BE THERE WHEN HE PASSED......I RECEIVED MY WISH,,,,AND IT WAS THE SINGLE MOST PROFOUND EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I AND MOM WERE HOLDING DAD WHEN HE PASSED OVER. MOM WAS IN SHOCK,,AND SO WAS I,,,,,IT WAS AS IF WE KNEW LOGICALLY THAT IT MIGHT HAPPEN,,,,BUT WE NEVER EVER ACCEPTED IT,,,AND THE EVENING HE CHOSE TO LEAVE US....WAS RIGHT AFTER MY BROTHER AND HIS CHILDREN HAD LEFT..(THEY ONLY CAME 2X MAYBE IN THE PAST YEAR)....WHAT UPSET ME THE MOST,,,,,,WAS THAT KNOWING DAD WAS THAT ILL,,,,,,AND KNOWING THAT HE WAS CLOSE TO DEATH\'S DOOR,,,MY BROTHER WHO IS 59 AND HIS CHILDREN WHO ARE IN THEIR 30\'S,,,,,HIS EX-WIFE ETC, EVERYONE ....LEFT ME, MOM AND MY 12 YR OLD DAUGHTER WHO LIVES WITH MOM AND DAD THERE ALL ALONE THAT NIGHT!!! HOW CAN I PUT THIS??? I WANTED TO BE THERE TO HOLD HIM, TALK TO HIM,,,,I WAS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIS HOSP BED.....BUT MY RELATIVES HAD THE NERVE TO TELL ME THE NEXT DAY THAT THEY KNEW HE WAS DYING WHEN THEY LEFT THAT EVENING,,,,,AND THAT THEY REALIZED THAT MY MOM AND I DID NOT KNOW THAT HE WAS DYING........SO WHY, I ASK, DID THEY LEAVE US THERE ALONE????? MY MOM LOVED MY FATHER SO MUCH,,,,,,IT WAS A CLASSIC LOVE STORY,,,,MARRIED 61 YEARS AND THAT WAS HER LOVE OF HER LIFE,,,,,,,,YET THEY LEFT US. 2 WOMEN(MOM IS 81 AND IM 49) AND A CHILD OF 12 ALONE,,,,,, MY BROTHER TOLD ME THAT HE WAS CONCERNED THAT WHEN IT HAPPENED, MY MOM WAS GOING TO HAVE A STROKE OR A HEART ATTACK FROM THE SHOCK ...AGAIN I CANT UNDERSTAND IT, DAD PASSED ONE HOUR AFTER THEY LEFT!!!!!!WHY DID THEY NOT WAIT!!!!!EVEN MY ELDEST DAUGHTER AND HER FIANCEE LEFT,THINKING THEY HAD TIL THE MORNING........I AM HAPPY TO HAVE BEEN THERE......BUT THE MEMORY OF DAD GONIG REPLAYS ITSELF IN MY HEAD,,,,,,,,AND I CANNOT STILL ,,,,,BELIEVE THAT HE IS GONE......MOM IS DESTROYED.......I TOOK CARE OF ALL OF THE ARRANGEMENTS......HOW I HATE THAT WORD NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT IT ENTAILS,,,,AND I KEPT BUSY ALL WEEK MAKING SURE THAT EVERYTHING WAS DONE THE WAY MY MOM WANTED AND WE SAID GOODBYE BEAUTIFULLY,,,,,FAMILY CAME FROM ALLOVER TO SAY THEIR LAST GOODBYES AND I WAS HAPPY THAT I HAD THE PRIVILEGE TO HAVE GIVEN THAT TO MY MOM,,,,,I AM BACK IN FLORIDA,,,,,AND I SPEAK TO HER EVERYDAY,,,,,SOMEDAYS 7 HRS WE SPEND ON THE PHONE SPEAKING OF DAD AND HOW THEY MET IN EUROPE DURING WW11 AND IT IS JUST ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STORIES I HAVE EVER HEARD AND I NEVER TIRE OF IT,,,,,,,,BUT THE THING IS,,,,,,,,I AM STILL NOT NEAR TO OKAY,,,,,I FELL APART WHEN I CAME BACK HOME,,I LIVE ALONE,,,,SO I CAN STAY DEPRESSED AND CRYING FOR DAYS AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE IT,,,,,,,BUT I MISS MY DAD SO MUCH,,,,IT HURTS,,,,,,,,,I WENT THRU THE WORST OF IT THE FIRST 2 MOS,,,,,IT WAS PHYSICAL PAIN.....AND NOW,,,,IT JUST LIVES WITH ME,,,,,,,,I LOOK FOR HIM,,,,,,,,,HE HAS COME TO ME,,,,,,I KNOW WHEN HE IS AROUND,,,,,,,IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING BUT IM SO MIXED UP,,,,,,,,IM NOT OVER IT AT ALL,,,,,YET,,,,,I HAVE HAD PEOPLE TELL ME THAT AFTER THEY BURIED THEIR PARENTS, THEY WERE BACK AT WORK THE NEXT DAY!!??!!HOW CAN THAT BE,,,,,,I LEFT A TEMP JOB IN SEPT AFTER THE OWNER TOLD ME THOSE EXACT WORDS........I WAS STILL SO EMOTIONALLY RAW.....ANOTHER PERSON TOLD ME THAT IS WHAT PARENTS DO,,THEY GET OLD AND THEN THEY DIE,,,,DEAR GOD,,HOW COLD!! I CANNOT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE CONNECTION BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY PARENTS,,,,IT IS MENTAL, EMOTIONAL PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL,,,,,IM NOT SURE WHERE IM AT NOW,,,,,,,THANKFUL FOREVER THAT I WAS THERE WHEN DAD PASSED OVER,,,,,,AND I KNOW I WAS ABLE TO TELL HIM EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I EVER WANTED TO........I WAS THERE FOR MY MOM, WHO I FEEL I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT NOW.......BUT THIS DOES NOT END,,,,,THE CRYING,,,,,,THE TALKING TO HIM,,,,THE MISSING HIS TALKS,,,,,,HE WAS A QUIET, HARDWORKING FAMILY MAN,,,,,HE WAS IN LOVE WITH MY MOTHER.....AND I KNOW THAT I WAS MADE OUT OF LOVE,,,,,,BUT HOW DO I GO ON,,,,,,,,I LOST MY HUSBAND IN 1995......HE WAS MURDERED,,,,,,,IT TOOK MANY YRS TO RECONCILE MYSELF TO NEVER SEEING HIM AGAIN,,,,,,,BUT , BY FAR, THIS IS WORSE,,,,IF THAT IS POSSIBLE,,,,,,,THANK YOU FOR LISTENING,,,IM ALL OVER THE PLACE,,,,,,,GOD BLESS,,,,,,,LINDA

February 23, 2006

Hi Madamystic!

(I am the 21-year old guest below who lost her father in Oct).

When my dad was dying my brother only visited twice as well, even though all three of us (my bro, my dad, and I) lived together in the same house and owned a business together until dad went to the hospice house. In addition to only visiting twice, he was on drugs most of the time. I resented him so much for not being there for me, being the bigger brother that I needed, being the son my father deserved.

Like you, I wanted to see dad passing, but I realized after he went into a coma that dad would probably not want to pass with me in the room (he'd always talked about his fear that everyone would make a big event or show out of his death, and me being only 21, i think he knew how traumatizing this whole experience was in the first place for me). I was there everyday for months and after I left to go take a nap, he died.

I think dad, although in a coma, was choosing who he wanted to past in front of and who he didn't want to pass in front of. He decided to pass in front of my grandmother and uncle. Myabe he knew I, or my brother for that matter, couldn't handle him dying if we were bedside when it happened.

Hopefully this will bring you some comfort about your brother.

February 26, 2006

my heart aches for your losses---I read your stories---and I feel for each of you.

Today I am having an awful time coping--Ive been an anxious mess since yesterday and today I feel like I'm falling apart. I have tried so hard to both allow myself to recognize this devastating loss and yet continue on with the blessed parts of my life but this morning I feel like I cant even breathe through this pain.

my thoughts are so mixed up, I guess I just needed a place to get some of this out. Thank you all

February 27, 2006

I hope everyone is doing well today.

Myfathermyhero,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner. We had a pretty devestating thing happen this week. My fiance's parents good friend passed away. They were all on vacation together, and she died of a heart ataack, no warning. I feel now I take things so much harder, because I really can feel the pain these people are suffering. I did make an appointment with the medium in Baldwin. His name is Glenn Dove. It is $160 for the hour, but I hear he is worth it. I'm a little nervous. She wanted to give me the appointment for next week. I pushed it until April, because I still don't think I'm truly ready. If you bring him a tape, he will record the session for you. Since you aren't ready to go just yet, wait until I have gone to call him. I am going the 1st week of April(exactly 1 year from my fathr's death). I will lt you know how it goes.

February 28, 2006

I've noticed that there are alot of new posters on here. I am very sorry for everyones losses, know that you are not alone.

Songbird,

I first wanted to appologise for the week you have been having. It's terrible what happened to that woman, her family and friends are all in my prayers. I know exactly what you mean about things effecting you so much more now. After my dad died, I had heard a few stories from freinds and family, of people dying, and its not like I never cared before when I heard things like this, its just that now you realy know the pain of losing some one. It makes it much easier to empathize with the grieving family members. Thank you so much for the imformation for the medium. I'm not really sure when I am going to be ready to go, but I'm glad that I now at least have the information for when I am ready. I'd love to hear all about it once you go. I hope youre doing well..

Until next time..

Liska,

Im so sorry to hear about your loss. Im so glad that my posts are able to help you. In some wierd way that makes me feel alot better. When my dad first died I came on these message boards, and things that people had said to me really effected me, and really helped me so Im so glad that I was able to help you in the same way. I'm actually in a rush right now and need to get to school, but I am definately going to post either tonight or tomorrow because there were alot of things in your post, that I can really relate to.

until later..

Christine

March 5, 2006

My father's time is at hand. I am flying back to N.Y. this week to see him. I am struggling with the realization that this will be the last time I see him alive. My relationship with both my mother and father was difficult. But I always had some strong connection with my father. I've been told that as I get older, I have many of his mannerisims. I have worked hard to make sure that one of his traits (his anger) is not present.

I want to talk to him. I'm not sure what I want to say. With his weak voice, he's told me over the phone that he knows that I love him. I want him to understand me and those failures of mine that he has seen. But I don't want to breach the subjects of those failures of his that I have seen. I have an older brother that is a bitter man. He will be coming to vist my parents for a few days but will be spending most of his time with his girlfriend. I want my father to understand that his is not a failure as a father because of my older brothers detachment. I don't think even my brother understands himself. And I...who have lived so far away all these years. I feel a void of the time not spent with him. I tried to reach out to him during my brief annual visits. But feel somehow that we never really touched. I don't think I feel guilty of this missed connection, but I don't know. I always felt I knew "me" but am I going to feel so confident when he is gone? I cry for the pain he's in now. I cry for the pain we gave each other and I cry because...I don't know.

March 12, 2006

Sunbiter what an incredibly difficult situation you face--my heart goes out to you. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain.

I had a very interesting dream the other night that my dad called me from the other side. We talked for about an hour and I got to ask him all sorts of things, like if he was sending me signs (he said yes) and if he could see my baby before i do (again he said yes). It was such a great conversation--I even told him that as painful as this situation is and as much as i miss him I think I would be able to cope if he and I could talk like that once in a while. I miss sharing my life with him so much...I cried when I woke up...but I was so glad to have that connection even if it was a dream. Have any of you ever experienced anything like that and what do you make of it?

March 14, 2006

Liska,

I have had a couple of dreams about my dad. I haven't had one in a while, but when I did, it was a very interesting situation. The first one I had was a few days after my dad had died, and he was sitting on the computer in in my house. He seemed really confused as to what was going on, I basically had to tell him that he had died, and that we already had the memorial service. That one really freaked me out, because it had seemed so real. I had a couple more, where we were just sitting around and talking like we always had when he was alive. The last one I had was about a month ago, and we were in my garage and I was telling him that we could try to fix this, and that we could try to turn everything back and that we could stop him from dying. He grabbed my hand and told me that this was how things were supposed to turn out, and that he would always be with me. I woke up sobbing the next morning. I'm not a very religious person, but I am a very spiritual person. I truly and honestly believe that people in heaven communicate with you in your dreams. Some people might say thats crazy, but I think its one of the things that really help me through this. Knowing that my dad is still there and that hes still apart of my life.

March 15, 2006

For guest
Let me first say that I am sorry that you have lost your father. I lost my father many years ago but i still have moments where I wish he were here. It does get easier as the years go by. We are all human and we would be very strange if we didn't grieve for those we love. As for those that tell you to hunker down.... I guess they can't have lost someone close to them. You just do the best you can... noone can ask more of you.
Take care
Jo

March 21, 2006

Hello all, My Dad past away December 2002. I felt my father around me. I had a couple of dreams with him which felt like he was in my dreams, I would wake suddenly and start to sob. I believe he knew I couldn't handle his messages so I believe he stopped being with me. This is still hard because I'm so alone and need his presence. Has anyone gone thru something like this?

Thanks

C

March 22, 2006

Dear Guest,

I think when we lose a loved one, it's very possible to receive messages from them through dreams or whatever means they choose to communicate. We have a board specifically for after-death communications (ADC) that you might be interested in visiting.

DeeAnn

March 22, 2006

Liska,

Thank you for your words. You posted them on the day my father died. I just arrived home last night and have now read them.

I rarely ever remember my dreams in the last few years. But I was told that on Sunday night (the 12th) that I was crying in my sleep.I wish I could see him somehow. We never really could talk with each other and the last couple of days I spent with him the best I could do was to say I loved him. But I always wanted his approval but never was aware that I received it. Yet I know he loved me. And perhaps it was my own short comings that missed his signals. I do believe in existence after this life and I believe in God. So I feel he is in a better place without the pain caused by his cancer. I hope I can receive some sort of message from him. I feel he knows that his wife (my mother) is well cared for. That was his biggest concern. I do want to share with you one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed. On Friday night in the hospital, I was sitting on one side of his bed and my mother was laying in a recliner on the other side. They had both fallen asleep holding hands. My father suddenly woke up with an anxious look on his face asking for my mother. I told him she was right next to him. He slowly turned his head and saw her with their hands clasped together. He smiled and then fell back into his drugged stupor. His smile reflected 64 years of toil, trouble and love for this woman. I could only hope the same for all of us.

March 26, 2006

Hi. Im new to this. In july 2000 I lost my dad, one of my best friends. He was on his way to work, some drunk driver came speeding along and he accidently went into a tree. I think it was a sudden death, but im not sure because i find it very hard to talk to my mum about it. I was 9 when it happened. Every day i find myself searching for answers, but i can't find any, or maybe i don't want to. People say over time the pain goes away, but im 15 now and so far the pain has gotten worse. Now my biggest fear is looseing my mum because she is like a rock of strength for me. Theres so many thing i need to get out, but i can't do that to any friends because they don't understand. Lately ive been trying to write how it all happened, ive just been takeing bits that i really remember in the past 5 and a bit years and ive been putting them all down. I would like to eventually write a book and im hopeing that somehow people will sort of understand what its been like. The blurryest time after he died was at the cemmatary, it was asif i was in a daydream, and i was, i was hopeing that i was having a nightmare. And for weeks after he died i did, the worst one of all was him walking into this big room, in the clothes he was burried in, and just smileing at me, my mum and my older brother and sisters and then he just got in the coffen and then i woke up. I often ask myself if it was my fault, if i didn't ask for so much when i was younger, he wouldnt have had to go out to work early in the morning to be able to give me all the things i wanted. But then I knew i had to stop being silly because its normal for people to go to work just about every day. When i am beyond being able to stop crying i read a poem to myself, I carry one in my wallet, i have one on the computer, and im about to put it into my diary, i found it on the net one day when i was feeling lost, I would like to share it with you all,

Feel no guilt in laughter, he knows how much you care

Feel no sorrow in a smile that he's not here to share

You can not grieve forever, he wouldn't want you to

He'd hope that you can carry on, the way you always do

So talk about the good times, and the ways you showed you cared

The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared

Let memories surround you.

A word someone may say

Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day

That brings him back as clearly as though he were still here

And fills you with the feelings that he is always near

For if you keep these moments, you will never be apart

And he will live forever locked safe within your heart.

It helps me alot, especially the part of "feel no guilt in laughter, he knows how much you care" and I hope that is the truth, i would like to hope he is beside me in everything I do. I feel like i let him down because after he died I stopped playing my favourite sport He was very supportive of this sport, and he coached my sisters teams (the are much older then me) One day im hopeing to get up enough courage and start playing again.

This has been a great way to get some things out. I can definatly encourage more people to do it. Take care. xxx

April 4, 2006

To everyone,

I completely understand your pain since I lost my Dad (my best friend) 5 days ago. I've read all your posts and wish I could respond to them right now but I'm having quite an emotional time of it. The funeral was today and although it gave me a sense of finality I also can't believe it's my Dad's name in the obituary column. I'm 35, and he and I had a bond that was indescribable. The hardest thing for me now is the sudden rush of memories - how we'll never go see a live concert and have a few beers together, how I won't be able to call him up to laugh at something silly...he and could talk about anything and I don't have that anymore. I don't know if I can adjust, but after reading everyone's posts I know I'm not alone.

Kathy

April 8, 2006

hello ,

i am now on both sites , loss of mum and now dad , all in 4 mths ....... my mum died 4mths ago and dad 3 weeks ago . i amjust back from the funeral and had surgery 2 days later , i have been lost .its so hard , to lose both natural as it is , its not easy , death is hard , loss is hard ....... i am sad and alone

i want to call him up and ask him how he is , u know , say hey dad, rough week , how u doing ......... but yeah cant . he is gone........ like mum , gone

the finality is tough , the reality , the body lying there , man its tough ..... i feel for us all....... noone can possibly understand except those who have been there no one...........

be well , hope we all feel better soon ..........

sorry for all our losses.

April 14, 2006

Hello everyone and sorry for your loss. I lost my dad May 11, 2004. I was in total shock the day it happened and after almost two years, I'm still in shock. My dad was my very best friend and now I have no one. My dad and I made a promise to each other a long time ago. He always told me that I would miss him when he left this world and I always told him that if and when he did leave this world before me that I would need to see a therapist. We both kept our promises. I am in the deepest darkest place that I have ever been in my life. I am in a hole and I can't seem to get out of it. I don't live life anymore. I know my father wouldn't want me to be like this, but I don't know how to be. I dread life now without my father being her to share it with me. We laughed and talked ten times a day and we could talk about anything. All of that has just stopped in the blink of an eye. How do you adjust to change after such a sudden loss? I want so desperately to feel better again and enjoy life and people, but I just feel so sad all the time. I will cry at the drop of a dime. I feel as if I lost my father and my son because he was like my child as well. In the sense that he depended on me to do so much for him and I just enjoyed taking care of him and letting him know that he could depend on me.

I miss my dad with everything that I have in me and it has literally drained me. I don't even recognize myself anymore. The stress and the grief has consumed me and taken over me. When my father was alive I would have dreams that he passed and would wake up in tears. Now that he's passed I have dreams that he's here with me. Those are the dreams that I never want to wake up from and when I do all hell breaks loose. It's so depressing.

If one more person tries to put a time frame on my grieving process and tell me what I need to do I am going to lose it. It's funny how it comes from people who still have both their parents or don't have a very good relationship with them or don't even know who their father is. They can't possibly understand. I am glad that I came across this website and read passages from people living this nightmare with me and truly understands how I feel. Take care everyone!

April 16, 2006

Im so sorry for everyones losses. Losing my father has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I feel for everyone who is going through the same experience. I haven't been on the site in a while, because the last couple of weeks I have found it easier to just ignore the entire situation, and act like it never even happened. Now I feel like I've lost my father all over again. I can't sleep anymore, I'm not really eating, and I sit at work and do absolutely nothing all day. People keep telling me that they're worried about me, and the truth is Im starting to worry about myself. I feel like my life isn't even real anymore, I know that sounds completely wierd, but I just feel like it's all a bad dream that I'm just going to wake up from. It's been four months since my dad passed away, and I can't remember a time that I have been genuinely happy since then. My freinds tell me that I am not dealing with it properly, but they have no idea what Im going through. Is there even a proper way to deal with some thing like this?

My mother and my sisters and I have been deciding what we are going to do with my fathers ashes, and we finally decided on burying them, so that when my mom passes away she can be burried with him. I know that that is what he would have wanted. He loved my mother very much and I know that he would want to be with her. We finally picked out the perfect cemetery that we all love, and I know my father would have loved it as well. The burrial is planned for the 29th. Im hoping that once we bury him and I know I have some place to go and visit him, I will be able to get some much needed closure on his death. I have decided that I want to make a speach about my father at the burrial, and I am having alot of trouble figuring out how to write it. How do you sum up how important and how much you loved some one who was so important to you? How do you put that into words? My father was my hero, and he always will be.

Im hoping that once I get it started it'll all just come to me and I will be able to say something that means something to me, my family, and most importantly my father.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Until next time..

Christine

April 16, 2006

I am missing my dad so much , its been 3 weeks and the emptiness is huge , he is gone and as my mum died only 4 mths beforehand , it means there is noone left to tell this to , ot share it with , ot talk to ./ I want to call my dad and have a chat and cant , i feel so sad , never to see hik or hear him or her again and all their lives now are both gone , finsihed , final , the house we lived in , all their things , its so weird . so empty , so lonley......... we , you , all know this , noone esle can come close to knowing how painful it is , how lonley it is ........... yeah , tis tough .......

i wish i was nto so alone , i had to do everything on my own for them , the funeral , the eulogy , the organisations of ewverything , its hard to do alone , very very hard , to have to be in the hosue alone , to pack their things alone , to go get the ashes and then to scatter then alone , there is NOONE to make the pseech to about them , to tell them about the life gone , its lonely.

anyones else in this situation ? let me know ........ seems to me everyone else has someone ?

April 17, 2006

I am missing my dad so much , its been 3 weeks and the emptiness is huge , he is gone and as my mum died only 4 mths beforehand , it means there is noone left to tell this to , ot share it with , ot talk to ./ I want to call my dad and have a chat and cant , i feel so sad , never to see hik or hear him or her again and all their lives now are both gone , finsihed , final , the house we lived in , all their things , its so weird . so empty , so lonley......... we , you , all know this , noone esle can come close to knowing how painful it is , how lonley it is ........... yeah , tis tough .......
i wish i was nto so alone , i had to do everything on my own for them , the funeral , the eulogy , the organisations of ewverything , its hard to do alone , very very hard , to have to be in the hosue alone , to pack their things alone , to go get the ashes and then to scatter then alone , there is NOONE to make the pseech to about them , to tell them about the life gone , its lonely.
anyones else in this situation ? let me know ........ seems to me everyone else has someone ?

Im so sorry that you feel like you have to go through this alone. I have been very fortunate to have my family and really great friends that have been there for me every step of the way. I knwo it doesn't seem like much, but you always have the people on this board, to help you through things. I know posting on this board, and reading other peoples messages helped me though some very bad days that I have had. Do you have any friends or other family that you can talk to about this stuff?? If not I would recommend seeing a therapist. I was pretty hesitent about going at first, but it has actually helped me alot. Its nice to just get your feelings out and not feel like you are being judged about it.

until next time..

Christine

April 17, 2006

I feel for everyone here and am sorry there has been so much loss. I don't think there is a proper way to get through the pain, everyone has to do it in their own way and not listen to other people's ideas that there is a timeframe, etc. I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago and although going to the burial was hard it also solidified in my mind that he's gone (physically, at least). I managed to make it through the memorial service as well but seeing all the photos of him broke my heart, and hearing the Grateful Dead (his choice of music for his memorial prior to his death - that's the kind of guy he was) playing nearly did me in. When I think of the pictures I start to cry, then I try to tell myself that I also saw the urn. I don't know what I'm trying to say but I understand everyone here. Since there have been times where I hadn't seen my Dad in 3 weeks (we did talk every other day) I feel that once a month or two has passed it will fully hit me. I'm just afraid that my brain has put up a flimsy barrier that will suddenly crash down, even though I cry every day. Posting here has been helpful, though, since it makes me feel that I'm not alone.

Kathy

April 17, 2006

Thank you for the kind replies and support . it helps me a lot when someone actually responds and I guess each of us wishes for this . I knOW THATS HARD SOMETIMES , especially when consumned with our own grief and so I am all the more touched and grateful and do not take it at all for granted when someone does respond with kind words. especially when basically things feel fairly lonley and unsupported , people just doing their own selfish things , which is true of all of us generally I suppose;; maybe now i just notice it more , in others and in myself and it is a painful realisation really ......... oh well.

I am trying to just get on and focus on my work and keep my mind active and nto give in to much to the emotional journey , not in denaila , just in survival , I can not afford to be overhwlemed and the pain is too much , so i do choose to slow it and not be overhwelmed inot a heap... I so do not wish to be depressed and it would not help anything and I want to go on........

I feel bad i think most that 2 peoples whole lives can just be over like that and you feel like are they going to be forgotten , its a weird thing , do others feel this way , its like u need to keep them alive in your mind and you dont want them to fade ., like an old photo , its too wierd....

i am just raving .... i need to connect here , to talk , please talk to me , tell me how it is for you , this journey. is anyone experiencing this lonliness , the loss is i think hard without family to help ........ and to know I am the end of the line , after me thats it ... makes me feel that the whole family will then just be forgotten ... which it will......wow......... no more /./// amazing , to think propabably been a line thats gone for thousands and thousands of years and now with me will end ? how is that for a thought /.

April 18, 2006

Tara,

I give you a lot of credit for being so strong, going to work and not giving into depression! That may not mean much but I've been struggling with serious depression (all my life) and the loss of Dad has made it much worse. So when you post how you're getting on and managing to live life, bad as it is right now, it is inspirational. And don't ever think that your parents will be forgotten...even if you are the remaining family they will always be with you. Nothing really ever ends even if it seems like it might. That's what I'm trying to tell myself, at least. I do have my mother in the area but at times it's more difficult when I see her...I went with her today to look at a condo she's going to buy and started thinking about all the holidays that we used to have at the house and how it's not going to be that way anymore. Cried all the way back to my place after that. This is so new for both of us and I think although our stories are different we can relate - to the emptiness (I feel it), the feeling that part of me is gone, the feeling where I don't know if I can get through this in one piece. You're not alone.

April 19, 2006

kathYanne,

THanks for the thoughtful response . I feel you . infact i started to cry reading your response. Tell me , why is that someone i never met on a web site , in syber space can respond more open and honest and caring with me than anyone who is actually here in person nearby ? how come non of my freinds? seem to be able to show me any... ir much interest or compassion ? really ? tell me that ?

i do feel alone and i did like what u said about that the memeories are alive in me ...... thats true , who cares if noone else knows or understand or anything , i can..... I can care ...... I do care ...... I REMEMBER .. EVERYTHING !!! tHE GOOD , THE BAD , THE LOVING , THE HURT , THE SADNESS , THE LOST OPPPORTUNITIES , THE MOMENTS OF SILENCE , THE HUGS , THE LOOKS , THE THINGS , THE ARGUEMENTS , THE PAIN , the laughter , ALL OF IT.

I think my life has changed completely. in ways i can not even know yet. i can not even explain.

I understand about depression completely ... I have suffered as well. I had a break down when i was 30 and another one when I was 41... the one when i was 30 I was hopsitalised for 6 weeks then was in treatment and on antidepressants for 18 mths , the 2nd one , was after I was bullied and then attacked in my workplace , i ende up in hopsital for 3 mths and then on meds for 2 years .

I fell apart so completely I lost pretty much everything ... this is why I don't and can't go there again; I dod not have it to recover again , i do not have these types of reserves and I know NOONE CAN HELP ME , FIX it , ect...... and so if i go down , it is me who would have to get me back ... and u know what , it just aint gonna happen.......... if i can help it ..... and who would this help???? noone, u know........... they are dead , end of story ... yep/ and guess what ? all life is suffering ... i finally really got that . and so it is up to me , to try figure how to go on... i guess....... i dont know.... tonight , tonight i am not so well ...... i feel.. too strange and confused .. i think . i am a bit emotional yeah , hoping things will be a bit clearer in the morning , it would be nice , not to feel like this , to wake feeling good ....... at peace , not anxious , not feeling under attack., its been a long time/. i think , that i felt calm , calm and relaxed. a long time.

talk soon , i hope ., i am sorry u have had and are having a rought time. we can BOTH get through this , we can help each other , really.... we can, we dont have to suffer like this .

be well and keep talking ok. please , it helps me.

April 19, 2006

Hello all--my it sure has been a while since I was here last. Almost 3 years now. I lost my father due to Multiple Myeloma on May 7, 2003 and this site helpled me through it so much. Now I am dealing with something so differant. I should be so happy to have my beautiful 7 month old son, and I am--he has brought me so much joy! Here's the issue--everyone says he looks just like my dad. I know my father would have loved him so much, he would have been the perfect grandfather and it is so hard to realize that my little boy will never know the person that meant the most to me in my life. Can anyone give me some advise on how to deal? I am going to try to teach my son about my father, but how can you.......really?

April 19, 2006

I think sharing stories and pictures about your Dad might help your son get to know him like you did, Doll. Just let him know what your Dad meant to you and that you hope your memories do him justice.

Tara - I think friends, co-workers, etc., aren't very helpful because they're not going through the pain you are. Some people want to give others space to grieve but if they don't understand the pain they might try to avoid dealing with it, whether it's because they don't want to think about themselves in the same situation or if it's because they don't have a clue. My friends have been supportive but most admit that they don't know what to say or do, and there really isn't much they can since they're not in my shoes. I for one have a hard time talking about Dad so in a way it's easier.

I bought a book on coping with loss so maybe that would help? Right now it's a day by day thing and I figure I'll need the book once I fully accept that my life has completely changed. Haven't gotten that far yet. One of the things I find to be really hard is sudden mental images of things that immediately set me off. Not full memories, but things like my Dad's winter jacket lying on the chair in the hospital room, his stuff in the hospital's closet (OK, starting to cry)...I never thought small things like that would bring on the waterworks. I was sitting today reading a book and all of a sudden the jacket popped to mind and I instantly was a wreck. Then it's sort of like my mind puts up a wall, the tears stop and I can read again until the next image pops up.

All right, I'm rambling, but does this happen to anyone else? I just never expected that these small things would have such a huge emotional impact.

Kathy

April 19, 2006

Kathyanne,

I find that the small things are always what send me over the edge emotionally. They're little things that no one else could possibly understand the magnitude of, but they're important images, and memories to me. It's been four months since my dad passed away, and I am finally at the point where I can look at pictures of him, and tell stories about him with out totally losing it, but the other day I found a pair of his glasses in the computer room, and I completely broke down. The emotional breakdowns are always unpredictable for me. Sometimes I'll be at work and just start crying out of no where, but with in minutes I am always able to get control over myself.

What frusturates me the most is that there is no set way to deal with it, theres no specific thing to do to help you get over it. It's really a situation that you have to feel out on your own and basically find your own way of dealing with it and healing in the process. I've always been able to think out my problems logically and find succesful ways to deal with them, but losing my father has really taught me that some things in life happen and there is no logic to it, that there isn't an answer to every problem.

I obviously don't have the answers, but from someone who is a little farther into this than both of you are, I can tell you that it gets easier. The pain and the emptiness slowly dissapears, and you eventually start to feel alive again. Granted there are times where I have set backs and feel like I have lost my father all over again, but I'm always able to pull myself together again. It becomes much easier to cherish the memories you have of your father and you will eventually stop dwelling on the tragedy of his death.

Dollface,

I don't have a child, nor am I planning on having one anytime soon, but I can competely relate to what you are going through. Im 20 so I have so much of my life left to live, and it kills me that my father will not be there to share in those important moments with me. He'll never walk me down the aisle at my wedding, he'll never even be able to meet the man I plan to marry, and he won't be there to meet my children. I know that my dad would have been an amazing grandpa and I know my kids would have loved him. It saddens me that my children will never know my father, and will never be able to meet the man that had such a huge impact on my life and the person I have become. What you need to remeber is that your father will always be a part of your life and will always be with you. I think you will find that it is going to be very natural to let your son in on that. It's little things, like stories you will tell him that happen to involve your father, or pictures you will show him that your father appear in. This is how your father will always be a part of your sons life. Some one on here posted a little while back that babies are sent from god, so your father was probably the first person to meet your son, before even you did. She had it written out much better than that, Im sure if you scroll down a little bit you will see it. I think of that story often, and it always brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. I hope that I have been able to help you a little bit with what you are going through.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers

Until next time...

Christine

April 19, 2006

Hello and thanks for the responses and sharings of how it is for you. I feel for us all , its true noone can walk this road , unless they have , and then even that is different for us all and so personal......I totally relate to how small thinsg can trigger us. the memeories that come without us thinking them , the small images of things .. for me , thinking about the house does it , thinking of his things sitting there , their things their , empty , untouched , its awful....

now an extra burden as of this morning , bad news in regard to his will , i suspected it may be the case and it is ... that my dad thought he changed his will and ideed did, but when the executor ( his friend ) went to get it form the vault in the bank, it is the COPY , not the original... so he called the solicitor and the soliciot doesnt have the new one on record , as it seems they were meant to make the alterations and have them sent out and so the one my dad has is signed and witnessed , but is not the final one... therefore , they looked and then found the older version , which left 2 people as his executor and also things to them , but he had a falling out with them and had changed his mind and thus changed the will and appointed the other guy 9 his friend the executor ) so the dum solicitor instead of waiting to see the documents form the bank and sort it out , goes ahead and send the old will to the old executors .... now we may have to go to court or worse , it may mean these people HE DID NOT WISH , to have anything to do wiht him will not only end up gaining financially but also will e the people who go through their belongings and the house and they wont care a damn about us , me , my pareants , or anything...

I can only hope they have morals and did care , but its a big ask when money is involved , they may well justify themselves and dedcide they can do as they wish . tiis an awful gut wrenching feeling as I know they would boht turn in their graves and espeically as it means a very sentimental and important item would go to them worht a fortune ( that is the reason he changed the will as he realised somehow they had( he felt ) manipilated him into this as executors and he wanted no part of it ) I can only hope this is NOT TRUE , THAT THEY ARE HONOURABLE AND THAT SOMEHOW the right thing will happen and his true wishes. I am a bit hopeful as it is clear this copy is his wishes , it is signed and witnessed and it was in the bank vault ., but it may mean a court case and I am meant to be going overseas , so it all feels really ahrd right now and hurtful and makes the gried harder and the images harder , i dont want strangers going through is things agaisnt his wishes.... i guess I have to wait and see and hope and pray and in the end also let go and let it be how it eneds up ....... a court things woudl be costly for us all and long and bitter and I dont have the heart. I also dont have money ... and i feel awful and even more alone...... oh well , i just hope his true wishes are honoured in the end . but this is how it is right now, today .i feel so bad , i bought a pack of cigs , not that this will help , but tis how i feelllllll

just need to share , I know I have to wait and i know i have to then seek legal advise , all fo which is hard when your a poor student . I cant even pay his electricity and phone bill ..... its awful

Sign In

Loss of a Father

Recommended Posts

Guest Guest

Link to comment

Share on other sites

myfathermyhero

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Guest Guest

Link to comment

Share on other sites

myfathermyhero

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Guest Guest

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Guest Guest

Link to comment

Share on other sites

myfathermyhero

Link to comment

Share on other sites

songbird

Link to comment

Share on other sites

vikigee

Link to comment

Share on other sites

myfathermyhero

Link to comment

Share on other sites

songbird

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Guest Guest

Link to comment

Share on other sites

vikigee

Link to comment

Share on other sites

vikigee

Link to comment

Share on other sites

myfathermyhero

Link to comment

Share on other sites

songbird

Link to comment

Share on other sites

myfathermyhero

Link to comment

Share on other sites

liska13

Link to comment

Share on other sites

liska13

Link to comment

Share on other sites

jillys

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Guest Guest

Link to comment

Share on other sites

bokenhearted

Link to comment

Share on other sites

bokenhearted

Link to comment

Share on other sites

madamystic

Link to comment

Share on other sites

daddyshoneybunny

Link to comment

Share on other sites

liska13

Link to comment