I Am Dying...

[marilynwhite3049]

Hi, everyone: I could not go to bed until I gave a report on day. My Mom came and we enjoyed ourselves visiting at used clothes, furniture, stuff of all kinds store.

It is something my Mom enjoys and I did ask God to let me make those living amends. He has madde it easy. Mom is easy to be with, we laugh, enjoy eating, and finding treasures at these out of the way places.

She didn't like the dreadlocks but liked the other hair pieces. My arm is hurtng Sorry this is short.

I wanted you to know how important you are. You have kept me sane and allowed me to enjoy my moments of insanity. It has all been good with you.

Love and Peace

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, even though your message may be short, I'm so glad you wrote. Visiting with you is a true joy. To make amends with our parents is a difficult task, isn't it? After growing up in a rough family, I made amends, or at least started to. I can just see you in the dreds scouring through some dusty second hand store. You must have looked cute. Rest your dear heart this weekend, and if I should be called out of town before then, I pray you have a very blessed and happy Easter. luv, hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I've learned, like a certain Apostle, that wherever I am, I need to be content. I may be far from perfect in the application of this theory, but even with my human flaws, I find it helps me dealing with this, that, and the other. Yelling? Oh, some days are better than others. Last weekend was difficult here, when my sweetie fell over, into, or onto just about everything (I'm also noticing how much these events become my fault as the dystrophy advances). In the FYI, my uncle had a heart attack, and isn't expected to live past two days ago (that's what the doctor said, seriously). If I must leave for Nord de Lignes (Canada), I pray you and your hubbie have a good Easter together. luvs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm so happy to see you posting here. Thank you for saying such precious things . . . they mean a lot to me, and so do you. Enjoy Easter with your children. luv ya, my precious friend, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

I apologize for the lateness. I thought of you several times through the day but did not have a moment to log on.

I am fortunate to have friends. I know they love me. Some of them work and con only come on weekends. But, it is a long day when company comes at 1 PM and it is 11:45 before the last one leaves.

I'm whining about something I should be grateful for, aren't I? Anyway, I would rate this as a good day. Pain has been tolerable. Still haven't heard from documentary but that is okay. I have two tapes that I can leave for family. And, had a good time doing the tapes. I could probably be a ham if I really cut loose.

To me, I have always tried to find something to laugh about when tragedy intruded my space. Somehow, if I can laugh at it, the laughter cuts the tragedy down to pieces I can handle one at a time. Some people think I am just crazy. Either way, it works for me, I'll continue to laugh.

Arm is killing me. I love you. This board is invaluable. Peace and Love

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, there is nothing wrong with laughing at a problem. Seriously, you are right about using laughter as a means of "defense" or "reduction". We do this to keep from hurting all at once. I should listen more to you. By laughing a little at my own situation, I'd be a little better able to care for my wife. And, no, it's not wrong to complain about someone who stays so late. You need a little rest too. Somehow, I can even see your sense of humor in this, giggling about someone who wants to talk more than you want to sleep. You're a pretty wonderful and amazing person. Hope you get to enjoy a very happy Easter. I'm here for the day, then Monday I'm leaving for a funeral. I'll be back Tuesday night. Get the rest you need, and I'll worry about you til then. luv ya, my dear friend. Always praying for you. Mark

[lauraa]

Marilyn, I am going to be praying for you......Bless you! You sweet girl........I think you are surrounded by angels.

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings, Fellow Travelers: I agree with you Laura, I am surrounded by angels and the people on this board are my staunchest angels. You are the ones who prompt me to do the fun, wacky, Marilyn stuff. That is why you are so important.

Today, my neice came in from Wichita. She came to help my sister-in-law pack some of my brother's things and just generally get ready to move back to Wichita. My sister-in-law is ambivilent. She and Rick bought this house and had such hopes for it. They got some stuff finished but many more plans. She has lost her husband and now she is loosing another dream. And she is alone. My heart hurts for her.

My sister is not quite so altruistic. My sister is also grieving loosing my brother. We are attaching meaning to things because the person isn't here. Well, I thought things were going well until my sister showed up about 4 PM. When I said that Linda had sentimental value to some tables also, my sister went redneck. I tried to talk to her but she was irrational.

But she did leave. I praise her for that. She was in no state to negotiate anything. But, the good thing that came out of it, my neice, I believe is in the problem. I got the chance to give her a Big Book. Of course, she said she didn't need it. I ask her to just hang on to it. It's soft-cover and will take lots of abuse. My has lasted 17 years. She said she would because she thinks it saved her father's life also.

arm already hurting, sorry. love and peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I have to agree with you. Marilyn is a lot like you, a very caring friend. I'm sure her guardian angels are enjoying their jobs, getting to watch over such a precious woman. Thank you for the email. What you wrote was exactly what I needed for the day. You have a knack for doing that. Your'e definitely one of a kind, my precious friend. Hope you had a good day with your children. I'm praying for them always. They're still children, and grieve as children do. Boys can be so explosive as they grieve. My heart goes out to you through this time. If I can be of any help, I'm always here for you and them. Thank you for all your comfort and support. Without you, the last year would have been so very difficult. Talk with you soon, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm sorry this squabble has developed in your family. You have a natural ability in counseling and nurturing, so I believe you'll be able to reach your niece's heart and help her talk and heal. I'm sorry you dear ladies are grieving your brother's passing, which may be adding to the stress you see in your niece. Entrusting her with the Big Book may be the open door you need. She feels like you trust her to care for it, to care for a family "heirloom", so she feels more deeply connected to you and to the rest of your (her) family. I'll keep you all in my prayers. May this work out in a pleasant and loving way for you all. Hope you can get some rest, and rest your arms. Take care of yourself, and if you can, spoil or pamper yourself a little. You're soooooo worth it. Then, you may blame the idea on me if you'd like. hehehe. Have a good Monday. I'll talk with you soon. luv, hugz, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: It has been a crazy day. The lady at the palliative unit is wanting me to take the important stuff out of the paper, but at least she called and negotiated with me. I've prettied it up some, but why write it if I do not warn them to not piss the nurses off. They are human.

Hollywood called. Talked for about an hour. She said she'd call later in the week, hopefully with some kind of news. Actually, it was fun doing the two, I'll do more if asked, but my world won't end if two is all I do.

I gave a copy of both to my hospice nurse. They use them as training films. So, even if I don't make tv, I made it to a training tape.

Got to go to doctor tomorrow. Arm not better, worse. Plus, my right groin is even sore. I didn't know I had nerves that were that long.

Arm hurting, love you, please know that. love and peace.

[clittlelady]

MARK:

How is your uncle? Has he passed or is he still hanging on?

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

It's your story girl, stick to it. Gosh, I wish you were not experiencing the physical pain you are. I hate it when you hurt. I'm praying for You. Again, Marilyn, For all that you've persevered and the beautiful, honest, spirit you've maintained, you have been and still are a tremendous blessing to my heart and an example those around you. Hope today is a better one. Love Ya.

Connie

[clittlelady]

Hope everyone made it through Easter okay and found some pleasantness somewhere in the day. It was a quiet one for me. Wanted it that way. First one without Mom. She was so miserable last year, the first and only time she was in my new home, she demanded to be taken back to her home even before I served a large meal I had been preparing for two days. She didn't want us to have an Easter Egg hunt for my niece. She was so unreasonable and snappy until finally we granted her wishes and my son and his girlfriend took her to her home. It broke my heart that she preferred isolation. I later in the day took her a plate of food and fed it to her. Her feathers were still ruffled at that time. This year, my husband and I got up early and drove 60 miles to where she is buried, where I visited her grave. I sat at the foot of her vault. Next to her lay one of her brothers, two of her sisters, her great aunt, her mother and father. An odd family visit to say the least. I roamed the country cemetary and located long gone relatives that were not in our immediate family plot. What a reality check, another one. I couldn't help but remind myself, that as I do believe that there will one day be a resurrection, how grand to imagine it. Mother always told me, no grave would hold her for long. It was peaceful, serene. The wind was blowing and the sun shining. So many memories, some sad, but mostly precious ones. My husband and I stopped at a little country ice cream store where they sell the best homemade ice cream cones. My Mother always use to stop and buy us one on our trip to my grandparent's house, what a treat it was. Rich and I stopped and got one. It was truly a moment in time as I felt the little girl still inside me. Later in the day we bought some beautiful bedding plants and came home for a little project. I fried chicken, made potatoe salad and steamed squash, just like Mom use to make and even served it in the same china she used to serve our Sunday meals on. Son and girlfriend came over and shared in the meal and evening. Mom was a wonderful cook and a more wonderful Mom. I carried one etipaph from the cemetary with me in my memory. A little old lady had her grave stone read "Our Love Lives On, As Long as Your Memory."

It was a bittersweet day.

Love to All.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Evening, Friends: It has been a full day. Some progress, some impasse, but things are going forward.

I will do 10 more radiation treatments. They will be on my right bicep. I have this thing, it initially looked like a zit. Well, I asked Dr. Gast like what is it, will it pop like a Zit? She said that it is actually cancer. Usually we can not see cancer. The tumor is so close to the skin it is actually coming out. Well, it possible the tumor is on a nerve and that is causing the pain. I wonder if I wil glow in the dark by the end? I have had lots of radiation. But, you know, it helps the pain, so I do it.

We will put off doing the groin until after the arm. Two spots at one time is real draining. Plus I don't like pulling all my clothes off. With my head it was a piece of cake. But the groin will be a different story.

Mark, I hope your trip is safe and brings you home in better standing with self. Sometimes, I think you judge yourself so harsh. Believe me,you are much better than most of the men I have met, your wife is fortunate to have you.

Connie: thanks for continuing to support the love mother theme. I know I want to and need to and feel better when I do. But your know, I think Mom can push buttons that no one in the world can push. And, I love her for it, she knows me. We've done something right because she knows me.

Arm hurting, Laura welcome again, thank you for support. Sorry must go

[bahiyya]

Greetings Family --

Mark, Marilyn and Beloved Connie -- thank you for your supportive and loving emails.

Connie -- I read your story -- how beautiful -- you are such a strong, determined and kind person -- thank you for sharing with me. Would you mind if I share a portion of your story with my girls (not including names)? There are eight girls now -- one is a parent and there are two others that are "visibly" pregnant -- the mother, and mothers to be are only 14 and 15 years old. Ohmygosh, I can't imagine. I hope I am the "difference" you all see -- it means a lot to me -- I believe in these young women and I believe in this program -- keep us in your prayers.

Mark -- please take care of you -- now I'm gonna take a difference stance from that of your sisters Marilyn and Connie -- you are the foundation of your family structure both your physical family and your spiritual family. If the foundation crumbles -- well you know the rest. I'm going to "gently yell" also, get some rest, take care of you, nurture yourself, do self-monitoring -- all because we love you, but also because we (the collective we) need you.

When possible, please give us an update on your uncle -- as always you and your family are among the prayers I send continuously.

Baby Sis -- Marilyn -- "dreadlocks" -- oh, and better still "blonde dreadlocks" -- I LOVE IT!!!! Flower children will rise again. I'm so sorry for your pain and discomfort. It makes me sad to imagine you in pain, but I'm glad your healthcare providers are offering a solution, i.e., the radiation. Connie, Mark and I will be there with you -- close your eyes during the process and imagine us standing by you embracing you and sending you energy, love and continuation. I love you dearly -- I know that I am not as frequent on the board as before, but life is pulling me in different directions -- please know that my absence here is NEVER absence from the heart. You, and our family are ALWAYS in my thoughts. You all are a touch stone for me -- you represent truth, sanity, and love -- thank you ever so much.

Your Big Sis --

b

[bahiyya]

Ok family -- I want to share a funny story before I close this morning.

Laughter for healing, right? -- I decided to clean my backyard of winter's debris. I'm outside raking, uncovering spring flowers by raking away the fallen leaves (yes, I do know that I am late in this process, but . . .) While raking in a flower bed I saw a small snake -- brownish color, about six inches long -- OK -- "She-ra" to the rescue I grab my trusty hoe and killed the snake. RAAAAHHH! And the crowd goes wild! OK, so it's my turn to be silly!

Done deal -- finished the work for the day - feeling sore, but very proud.

The next day I'm out again, raking, etc., etc., and low and behold, another snake, this one is bigger -- not as bravely, but brave nevertheless, I kill (probably overkill would be a better word) the snake making shushi of him. Now, I'm a little more cautious -- I decide to call my "ex husband" - I describe the snake and he said very calmly, "oh yeah, it's probably a grass rattler. The little ones are as dangerous as the large ones." Oh, great, I think. I ask, "any chance you can come other while I finish this raking?" To which he responds, "girl, don't be such a whimp -- if the snake bites you he will probably die." Now, y'all know why he is an EX husband, right? Seriously, though, I didn't take the hit personally, we do "tease" like that from time to time and he did go on to tell me how to take precautions.

Still not totally convinced, but determined to finsih the task at hand, I begin raking again, and yep, you guessed it -- another snake. OK -- now I'm flat out scared!!!!! I called my neighbor from across the street. Steve comes over and picks up the newly uncovered, and very unhappy, snake. He asks me if I want to kill it because he doesn't like to kill things -- I'm thinking -- OHMYGOD give me a break!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!! KIll IT!! Ok -- I'm recoverying here - taking a breath -- remembering that I am brave, strong and capable.

Steve, reluctantly kills the snake and then takes it to carry to the county commissioner or somebody-or-other to determine if it is poisoness. (sp?) and then he leaves to return to his project.

Anyway, now I'm at a pass -- I still have more leaves -- the men in my life see me as "able to handle the situation" (Mark, see why you are so important to me?) although I am shaking in my boots -- what do I do -- do I put my cleaning aside and call in the troupes -- actually, that is my first thought -- or do I conquer this fear -- cautiously move forward to the conclusion.

I decide the continue my project -- yes, it did take me quite awhile to complete the tasks -- but the point is -- I completed it. I faced the fear and I completed the task at hand.

At the conclusion of the adventure I asked myself -- what is the lesson I am to learn from this experience? This is what I discovered -- let me know what you all think.

Life is an interesting adventure -- sometimes you are working on a task to bring beauty and there are snakes lying underneath the leaves. Nevertheless, one can never let the possible presence of a snake stop the pursuit. I like that -- good conclusion for me.

Thanks for loving ears.

Luv you all,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning, Family: It cheers me to see our circle is constant and unwavering. We may be dealing with all kinds of life events but we are dealing with them, they aren't dealing with us. There is a difference, a big one.

B, our world traveler, I love to see where you have popped in and shared some of your life with us. Mark contributions are just what I need. Connie keeps that mother-child relationship mending, it gets better all the time. From the bits I have read of Laura, you must be a survivor. Tell me more.

Arm hurting Later

[lauraa]

Goodevening Everyone,

You guys are all so lovely...I love the openness that you all have.....Marilyn, you are such an inspiration to us all....I hope your arm is feeling better....You take extra special care of YOU......I don't know you but I love you!

Mark, You are a good boy! You came from the school of "hard Knocks"...but, you what you are a "Survivor"....I just know god is with you! I just do!

When my dear daddy was starting to slip away, I am telling you all that there were angels in the room with us. He kept looking up at the ceiling and watching as if they were all around and know they were there and I know his family members who passed before him were there also because he was calling out their names....it was a blessed event to be there and be able to see.....my brother was scared but I told him they they were coming to take dad home....wow!

I think our Guardian angels are with us...don't you all???? I hope so cause I could use mine right about now.....You all hang loose and take extra special care. There is only so much we can do and then the rest is out of our hands....that is one truth I have learned.....Bless you all! Goodnight!

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Evening: I have had a good day. I have two radiations down, eight to go. This time I have a cancer that is on the surface of the skin. I asked the doctor if it was a zit or what and she said no, it is cancer. We usually don't see it because it is below the surface. So when they radiate they put what looks like a gold star on it and it draws the radiation right into the cancer lots deeper than they can normally go.

Hollywood still wants me. I think I am in shock. So far, my son has agreed to participate. My friends feel they would get too emotional. I'm praying. I would even like for my boss to say something but I haven't asked him.

Connie, how is the world treating you and your husband? I know you have faith but we can still feel low sometimes. I know a new job is keeping you somewhat distracted but those things at the back of your mind are troublesome.

Mark, did you get some extra hours for the aid? How was the funeral? How are you feeling? physically? emotionally?

I feel like I get on here and tell you all about my life and don't hear much of yours. Please tell me about your day. I know there are bound to be so good things happen. Sometimes I ask God to help me see the good things. But sometimes I don't want to see good things.

Arm hurting, Love and Peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you for the kindness and for being such a dear and loving friend. I think your guardian angel isn't too far away. Just trust. From the way your sounding, I think your feeling a little less of the stress, which is good. I'm always praying for you. hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I can see you in a Hollywood production, kiddo. You're a natural born star. More cancer, and in your skin? I'm still, always, praying. The funeral was "interesting", to say the least. What else can I say? At least there were no fist fights. I'm still trying to catch up on my rest after being way too active. I swear I live the life of my cat. We've had more times of downhill run for my wife, which I really dread. On May 2nd, we're having a meeting to determine the next course for her care. I've had to take a little time to think about it and get it all settled, cuz the powers that be can easily say that the only way they'll continue her care is in a nursing home. This little threat always looms, so we have to be willing to let it be when the time comes. If she's in care, then maybe she'll get better care than I can give her at home. I'm more worried about her than me, even though my doctor is worried I can have another heart attack from the stress and exhaustion. Now that warmer weather has hit the city, I'm getting outside for yardwork and repairs to our home. This year looks like it's only going to be little projects, which may free me up for boating with my children and grandson (if we can afford the gas??? hehehe). My son wants to sail to Florida and back, so I'm hoping to get the chance to join him on this little venture. Try to take real good care of yourself. We're here for you (unless called away for family matters). I'll be back tomorrow evening, to check in and see how you're doing. luv, prayrz, me

[clittlelady]

HI GUYS... I'M REALLY SORRY... I WAS JUST ROBBED OF SOME PERSONAL NOTATIONS TO EACH OF YOU.

MY CUT AND PASTE WHEN CAPUT.

I WILL REPOST TOMORROW... REALLY NOT FEELING WELL RIGHT NOW.

MARK, MARILYN: LOVE YOU, MY SISTER AND BROTHER.

TO B... PLEASE, SHARE ANY PART OF MY STORY YOU WISH. THOSE YOUNG WOMEN SHOULDN'T BE THROWN AWAY WITH NO HOPE. THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERY LIFE, EVEN IF THEY CHOOSE ADOPTION, THEY'RE IMPORTANT AND I PERSONALLY APPRECIATE YOU AND YOUR WORK. I BELIEVE WE WALK THROUGH FIRE IN THIS LIFE AND HOW WE COME THROUGH IT IS WHERE WE GAIN OUR STRENGTH AND IT'S MEANT TO BE SHARED WITH OTHERS. LOVE YA.

LAURA: YES, WE HAVE ANGELS. I HAVE A VERY SIMILAR STORY OF MY MOTHER, WHOM I LOST IN AUGUST '05. WILL SHARE IT WITH YOU LATER. BITTERSWEET IS THE WORD, BUT GOD, BECAUSE OF IT ALL, MY HEART CAN HURT AND LOVE AT THE SAME TIME.

LOVE CONNIE

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: I feel good when I come here and see you have been here leaving pieces of strength and courage for me.

My Mom is coming today. My aide doesn't come on weekends so I ask Mom to come and help me get dressed, etc. on Saturdays. She goes to church on Sundays and I do not want her to miss church for me.

Today, we'll do her favorite thing: discuss Bible verses. My spiritual advisor has had me reading a book from the Bible each week. I have a goal every day but reading is the goal for one day. Mom likes to discuss the book, no matter what it is. I also enjoy it. I thank Connie for that. You opened my mind to find pleasure in it.

Thanks, Mark for seeing me in Hollywood. I can't yet. However, I did donate both of my trial tapes to the local hospices for training purposes. My recovery sponsor is part of the other hospice and I shared with my nurse right away. So, even if the documentary would cuput or whatever, maybe the tapes would still help someone.

arm hurgtng sorry

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, if your computer robbed you, would you like me to call you a cop? Yeah, I know, silly joke - you're a cop. How's it all going for you and your hubbie? I keep praying for you both. Whoever said living by faith was easy should have his noggin checked (or thumped). Hope you get to have a restful and happy weekend. I'll talk more tomorrow, but for now, I have to start hurrying so I can make a phone call. hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, you are such a dear soul. Even though your arm hurts so much from typing, you still stay in touch with us. We all appreciate you and the effort so very much. You're a dear friend. You're the compassionate one, always doing for others, even if the documentary isn't what is in the Master Plan, you still find a way of making your effort beneficial to others. What a great thing, that your mom talks with you about what you're reading in the Bible. If you start finding that reading is too much on your eyes, I know of a group that gives the Bible on tape for free. I'll have to find the address, but I'll give it to you. Hope you rest well tonight. I need to take care of a very hurting wife. Today isn't all that great for her: it's raining, which aggravates her dystrophy. Since she had the strokes, sometimes she even acts like a little kid when her pain goes out of control. It may be annoying to some, but we take it in stride and try to keep her comfortable. Talk more tomorrow. hugz for my friend, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Day to You: This is a good day. I do not know how it happened but I have had today all to myself. My aide does not come on weekends, one friend is at an aa convention, another friend is at a workshop, the one's in town do not know I am alone. I'm loving it.

Yesterday, I was thinking, "How long has it been since I was lonesome?" I could not remember. I am grateful my friends love me, but their urgency is sometimes scary. Does that make sense?

I'm terminal, things like next week don't mean anything to me, how can I convey that to the people who love me? I don't want to leave them. I want to do God's will, whatever that might be.

arm hurting more later I am sending prayer and good energy to all of you who sustain from insanity of my life.

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm back, my arm is better with the radiation but I am eager to regain full use, that might not happen but I think at least the pain will go down.

Mark, I can not imagine your wife, with your illness, how you manage to get through the day. Is there anything I could say or do to ease your load? I would in a New York minute.

Sometimes, I get the pity party stuff going on in my head. Well, I give in to it but I limit the time. Like okay I'm going wallow in this sh-- until 5 PM. Then at 5 I pull myself out. And it works, most times. Other times, I decide to wallow in it overnight, it isn't a good way to wake up the next day. Kinda like I was mad at me when I went to sleep or something. Does that make sense?

Connie, you and B have so much life force I feel I refuel when I see you have posted. B, you can share any part of my story with your clients if it would be of benefit.

I did not realize some accomplishments until first, your paper, then my friend's paper, and now the documentary. I came a long way in 17 years. God made the transformation, not me. I am grateful to Him.

arm hurting, damn it

[bahiyya]

Good Morning Family --

Glad to see everyone is present and accounted for. We had beautiful weather in Georgia over the weekend and even though the snake incident shook me for a minute, I was in the yard most of the week, including the weekend. My yard is actually beginning to take on its old glory -- looking like the beautiful blessing God intended.

Although I had decided against planting a garden this season, I couldn't resist tucking some greens, tomatoes and pepper within my herb garden. I believe planting is one of the ways we exercise our oneness with God -- don't you agree?

That aside -- thank you Marilyn and Connie for allowing me to share your stories with my girls. I agree with you both, I believe the experiences we have are our life lessons and also can serve to encourage others. Thank you for your generosity.

Mark, I am saddened to hear about your wife's physical decline. Again, I agree with Laura that the angels are watching over her, caring for her, loving her, and providing strength for you both. You have such a positive spirit and attitude and it is clear that you want the very best for your loving wife - so the best is the only option the Universe is going to present. You both are in my prayers and meditation.

Connie, whatever is going on -- know that we are never far away -- you are loved and supported with pure energy.

Marilyn -- take care of that arm and give the treatment time to present the healing -- be good to you. I'm glad you are finding solice in your Bible readings, there's a lot of good stuff to be had from The Book.

All of you take care -- love yourself -- be kind to yourself -- know that I see you as God sees you -- whole, perfect and complete.

Agape,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Hey Fellow Travelers: Do you sense we are on a trip? Today, I wanted to post here before I even emailed my Mom. Why, I don't know. I just know that you are important and I can not lose you.

Maybe because I keep losing things. Intangible things, like someone has to button and zip my pants first, then the rest of the day I can get it. Not a big deal but a loss. Am I whining?

Laura, you are a survivor, although I still haven't heard much of your story. Maryann, have I just missed her postings? I think I read all the way back to where I stopped before.

B, thank you for using my experiences. That is my life goal. To help one person will be enough, I will have accomplished my mission.

Love and pease

[lauraa]

Hi Marilyn.

I am sitting here in the dark without my glasses squinting to write this (can you picture it).....lol! I am very tired and need to go to bed. My 13 year old sleeps with me still since loosing her dad.....I'm her security blanket! I am trying to ween her and it is a slow process...the truth is I need her, too! I will tell more about me later......I hope you do gain strength from everyone here. I know I get it from reading your post....sensing your beautiful spirit.....keep the faith....we are all here for you! Bless you..........nitey nite!

I everyone else......thank you Mark for your beautiful email.....you my friend give me strength when my toad seems all to long and unbearable! Thank you................Nitey night....don't let the bed bugs bite.....oh, now they are kiddin' are they.....I hate the thought of the next time I am in a hotel....I will turn that mattress upside down and probally toss it out the window........lol

[lauraa]

when the toad seems long? Told ya I was in the dark....lol

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I hope when you look back over your life you are able to see all those you've helped (including me). While you may tell us you hurt, we never hear you "whining" about it, or complaining that God or anyone else has mistreated you and brought all this upon you. May we all have such a kind and caring spirit. I'm sorry things are becoming more difficult, and you must face these physical losses and changes. In saying this, I'm also happy you have someone there you can trust who will help you with the details of your daily routine.

I'm trying to take it a little easy this week. The weekend was exhausting, and caught up with me last night. I slept enough to be away from here last night, which is not only out of my usual habit, but also what I don't like. I think I share your feelings in this, that I miss not being with our friends here. In one week, we have our meeting to discuss the next chapter in my wife's long term care. There are time when I think I'm settled to letting them place her in a nursing home, but she's my wife, and I don't want us apart. Yet, I wrestle with being too tired and weak to care for her the way I should. The choice isn't just about her, even though we're looking out for her best interest and best health options. This affects me, our children, and even my little grandson.

Please take good care of yourself, my friend. I always keep you in my prayers. Tonight, I plan to get more rest, so in a bit, I'll take another sleeping pill (the only way I can sleep at all). Unless I'm sleeping, I'll be here tomorrow to check in and let you know what the day was like. If it's a good day, we may even skip all our work and go fishing.

til then, your friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, eeeewwww! hotels. If I could, I'd toss that mattress out the window too. I won't tease about the long toad, except to confess that I didn't stretch the little critter. I'd probably get warts. You're such a dear and loving mommy. Your daughter needs you, but I'm sure she also wants to heal all your hurts too. My mother in law told me to cherish the moments while they were little. Now that I'm on "round two" (grandchildren), I have lots to be thankful for, and many times of wanting them to be little again. About the email, you're welcome. Rest well my friend, and know that I'm always here, always praying for my friend. Me

[bahiyya]

Friends --

Just checking in this evening to see how everyone is doing.

Marilyn and Mark -- The First Law of the Universe is: Nothing is ever lost, nothing is ever destroyed.

As humans we see only the illusion -- the appearance of things -- we are not able to see (only sense, feel and believe) the "realness" of the Universe and all the wonders that are there to realize. I am offering these words of comfort to you both and speaking to myself as well -- the loss of an ability is always replenished by an opportunity to allow someone to show their love. The temporary separation of a loved one is only in the flesh, but spirits that are joined before the formation of the earth can never be separated.

I know that I am not always present on this site and it may seem that I am sporatically attending, but know that I carry you all in my heart -- a heart that beats stronger, faster and more steady because you all have given me the strength to move forward.

You all all loved --

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, nope, nothing is lost. We just go from one to another. I never really saw death as cessation, but a change - a process. Thank you for not only reminding us, but also of saying it so well. I'm okay with being with my love forever, but this temporary time we'll be apart hurts before she's even gone. Yes, I hate it. I can do nothing about it. But, even so, I'm okay with our creator's choice for her and us. You're a good and loved friend. thanks. Me

[clittlelady]

HI TO ALL MY PRECIOUS FRIENDS HERE.

I feel like it's been ages since we've talked. Just haven't been feeling myself lately. Physically and emotionally. Huge, overwhelming dread seems to be hitting me recently, ever since the trip to Mom's grave. Mother's day is around the corner, can't imagine it without her. Of all my 45 years, I've always spent it with her or included her in the vast portion of the day. I always gave her a white rose corsage as it represents her Mother already having passed away and I, a red one, representing my Mother still being here. It was our tradition. White roses is what I had her spray on casket made of, lots of beautiful white roses. I just want to crawl under a rock on that day. My son, I know will want to do something special to try to make me feel alive and I hate to rob him of that, but I just don't know how much more I can pretend. I did it for Thanksgiving, I did it for my birthday, Christmas, her birthday, all of which hit within five months of her being gone. Mother's day was always so special, because we were.

Guess that's why I haven't been here, didn't want to dump on everyone. Just have to remind myself, what I tell others, I wouldn't miss her so much, if we had not had the relationship we had and shared all we shared.

MARILYN:

You know, you are truly amazing. You continue, through your own intense physical pain to lift up others. That spirit and love is what makes you so special. When you say that next week has no real meaning to you anymore, it occurs to me, that your friends probably realize that and that is what promotes their urgency to spend more time with you. They're probably afraid of not being there enough or showing you enough that they care.

As the end drew near, from my perspective with Mother, I had the gut feeling, I knew it was drawing so close. I wouldn't make plans for anything. The next week, the next day off, the next chance to get away, to treat myself to something special, I laid everything aside, because I was reserving myself for the inevitible, everything in the outside world seemed meaningless. I had told many of my friends, I knew she was spending her last days, even before she had her final few strokes, both within a short time of each other. As odd as it may seem now, the whole experience has changed my life so, that next week, really doesn't mean anything to me anymore either. I mean, I know I'm not terminal and Dear Friend, I'm not taking away from the fact that you are battling this horrific illness that is taking your life away from you, but our best laid plans are really just dreams that may never come true. I have a friend and coworker that died last week, a sunny day, on his motorcyle (as my brother, Glen 24 years ago), was driving in town and someone turned in front of him. Unlike my brother lingering in a coma, my friend was dead on impact. He was 32 years old. Life truly is fragile and uncertain. Yes, we are on this trip and we're not alone, I know that. Not only does God not forget where we are, but he puts very special people in our pathway, in the most complex times of our life. He sends us angels.

Your sharing is never whining.

I'm so thankful for you and your Mom that your visits are richer and sweeter and if I have had anything to do with your stronger bond, it's because of God's love, that he helped me to overcome many hard feelings through the years with my Mother and to mend fences and never let much time go by in doing so. She was a very hard woman at times, it wasn't always easy to let things go, but God, I wouldn't change a day. It all went the way it was suppose to. I use to tell her, if I could be half the woman she was, I would consider myself successful.

You'll both be in my prayers, as always.

Love to you my Friend.

MARK:

Brother Mark, yes, I was robbed, but guess we've all been there. I'm afraid I did commit a battery on my computer that night. Hubby is hanging in there, we are. Same song, just a different day. Threats, rumors, hostility. The plant is in much turmoil. He doesn't say much, but enough that I know it's a challenge every day for him and his union coworkers.

I'm so sorry to hear how things are progressing with your wife. Faith seems to be an aerobic workout. You must continue to use it and work it out to get tone and fit, otherwise the flab and the cellulite take over. What a comparison, huh? You two continue to be in our prayers. I wish we were your neighbors Mark and could in some small way lighten the hard days for both of you. I'm sending you a piece of Cyber Southern Pecan Pie and a hot cup of coffee, hugs for you and yellow roses for the Mrs. God Bless you tonight and tomorrow.

Your Sister, Connie.

B:

Thank you, Friend. I feel the energy, even when my heart is heavy, I feel the love in the words that are written here. You're a kind and gentle soul. Your purpose is large and your heart is dedicated. Your a willing vessel who will touch many, many lives. Hope all is well with you this night.

"Although I had decided against planting a garden this season, I couldn't resist tucking some greens, tomatoes and pepper within my herb garden. I believe planting is one of the ways we exercise our oneness with God -- don't you agree?"

Honey, I couldn't agree more. My hands in the dirt, humbles my spirit and witnessing something so vibrant and vital develop from a fragile little seed does indeed bring me closer to God's goodness. I planted a few tomatoe plants and pepper plants last year. Gosh, my excitement grew as I watched each little bloom come onto the plant and turn into a little bitty tomato from the size of a pin head to the size of a grapefruit. The stalks grew well over six foot tall. Each day I couldn't wait to run out and look at the growth process, carefully watering and tending the plant. Oh yes, and tasting that first sweet plucked one from the vine, need I say more? This is a love and artful escape that Mom passed on to me, for which I'll always be thankful for.

LAURA AND MARYANN: Hope all is well with you this night. Love and peace to you. God Bless you.

REST WELL MY FRIENDS... TOMORROW AT TARA....

CONNIE

[marilynwhite3049]

Hello, All: It will be a short entry tonight. Today has been one of those long days. I am half-way through with the radiation. My arm has more mobility, that's a good thing.

The documentary is tentatively set for maybe the week of May 23, well, when they will be here. I have no idea when it will be shown. It is still exciting and to think I just raised my hand because I had asked God to let me be of service that day. Sure hope that's what He had in mind.

My sister is visiting tomorrow afternoon. We have not sat down and had a visit since our brother's death. She is extrememly busy and I seem to be. But the urge to call her tonight was overwhelming. She said she had been thinking the same thing. We need sistertime. I like it.

arm hurting, sorry, I send love to everyone. Thank you for carrying me through this crazy, everchanging days. Love and Peace

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, yes, you two girls need sistertime. Hope you both enjoy every second you're together. I'm happy to hear your arm is getting more mobility. Yipppeeeee!!! Half way through radiation is good. You've made it past the fifty yard line, and there are no defensive players chasing you. Straight line to the goal. Cheer! Cheer! Have lots of fun with the documentary. I'm praying for you. Please remember us "little people" when you become a big star, eh. hehehe. You're too sweet to ever do that. We're gearing up for next Tuesday's meeting with care management. It's going to be either more hours for my wife at home, or they'll opt to place her in a nursing home. Either way, I am now realizing that I can't keep doing this, and I need help. My doctor is worried about me, my daughter is fit to be tied for worry over me, and my blood pressure is again through the roof. It's time for her to be placed in a nursing home. Well, such is our world. Have a beautiful Wednesday. I'm praying for you, always. hug for my friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I'm sitting here again in tears after reading your message to me. Yellow roses are my wife's favorite of all flowers. We had them at our wedding. To have a friend as dear as you close by right now would be a boost for us both. I'd rather not say this, but you are sister, so I'll tell yo. The stress is wreeking havoc on our marriage. I won't leave her, but I'm feeling a lot of straing that shouldnn't be here. Pecan pie? Oooooo, you are a great cook. Thank you. And how did you know I'm sooooooo addicted to coffee? tee hee. I'm so sorry that his work is turning into this nightmare. Trying to concentrate on work and do a good job is difficult when so many issues are looming overhead. I continuously pray for you both. The trials of this life work to shape us into the image of our Savior. I don't like the process, but the result will sure be sweet. Hope you two have a happy day ahead. Remeber that whatever things try to drag us from His love and mercy will be destroyed. He will conquer. Our Lord is holding you gently and lovingly in His strong safe hands. He loves you with all His life. I'll keep praying for you both. talk with you tomorrow. luv ya sister, Me

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: I am glad to see the posts. At least everyone isn't typing with a bum arm. Plus the good things that I read give me hope.

Mark, sometimes, I know the logical decision but I have this other decision in my heart. Well, it is a long ways sometimes to get logic to my heart. Know what I mean?

Connie, you seem to be our faith pepple or rock. We pick up one of your experiences and know we will come out on the other side okay. Like now, your husband probably doesn't realize that you are worried. Can you share it with him? Is he the kind of man who would discuss how he is feeling? Just saying staff, getting it past the lips sometimes cuts it down in size. Have you ever experienced that? It just ain't as big once you say it, not matter what it is. by naming it, we've somehow become equal with it. I'm rambling.

Later, arm hurting. Thanks for love and support love and peace

[clittlelady]

Dear Friend MARK:

It hurts me, for you, for all that lies ahead for you and your wife, the decisions, laying to rest your on will and accepting what you cannot change. Most certainly you and your family will be in my prayers. For what you shared with me about your relationship, I'm glad you felt that freedom. I am your sister in the Lord. It's very important to remind yourself that neither one of you are your true selves, after all that you've mentally, physically and emotionally journied through and are still in the midst of, I don't think it's possible that you could be. Your stress level has probably to some degree altered who you were and the progressive debilitating illness has robbed you both of a steadfast grip on the people you were to each other. I can see where it doesn't change what you felt at one time, as though that loving relationship remains a trophy in your heart from all that you've shared, but I can see how it could certainly change where you are now and how you respond. I thought a lot about it and put my husband and I in the place of you and your wife and what you've been living through. I've taken care of my husband through several major surgeries and recovery periods in the past and he is not a pleasant person when he is dependant on others. I could only imagine how he himself would change and who he might become. Though I know he loves me and would lay down his life for me, in another light, he wouldn't want to be here and I'm afraid he would become a bitter person and make it difficult for both of us. I encourage you that if you get either more assistance at home or if the other option of the nursing home becomes a necessity, take time to pull back just a little and give your self some healing time. You cannot change the course of this voyage. Take time to breathe. You're a good person and from all you've shared, a special husband. The natural heart can only take so much. You are in God's embrace. He is not finished with you. Keep your eyes on him and his will. He hasn't brought you this far, just to see you fall. We can't see around the next curve, over the next hill, but he does. Trust him.

When Mother was hanging by a thread, I stayed up, awake, upright, for 36 hours. I wouldn't, well I couldn't eat anything while she was in her coma. I couldn't stomach putting food in my mouth when she awoke. She loved to eat and was a wonderful cook. She couldn't eat and I couldn't eat. I felt myself slip into another realm of being. Not asleep. Not awake. Numb, but alert. Dull, but sharp. I wouldn't leave her. I had to make sure she was cared for and treated with dignity. Upon bringing her home, I tried to lay down a couple of times, at the behest of her sitter, but I would always pop up and check on her. That annoying sound of the oxygen machine haunts me still. I averaged about an hour and a half of sleep, a day, for about nine days. My blood pressure dropped to 60/40 on two different occasions, just two days before she died. My heart raced and I felt like life was slowly leaking from my body. I seriously gave up my own health and it has taken me this entire eight months of her being gone to try to have energy again. Food still makes me nauseous. I can only imagine how exhausted and drained both physically and emotionally you are at this point in your life. You have others who are counting on you to put more value on your own health, huh "Gramps"? Please hang on to that, it's not just you, but the other people who love you and need you in their life.

Didn't mean to turn into Dr. Phil or Oprah, just luv you and care.

Love to you and your family, my precious friend.

Connie.

[clittlelady]

My Royal Friend Marilyn:

Yes, Rich and I do talk. He's a very quiet man, but he has shared himself in this job turmoil and I've been open with him. We've agreed not to let it consume us, however, it is an everpresent shadow. I agree with you about getting it past the lips. Sometimes as humans we let things build up in our mind and allow it to grow much bigger than it actually is. I guess it is when we finally get it past the lips and talk about it, it doesn't seem nearly as massive.

I do hope you're feeling better, your arm. I pray tonight will bring you good rest and tomorrow sunshine and friends. As much as you believe me to be a faith rock, please know that you are to me a spiritual example and a reminder of the sweetness of the human heart. So we compliment each other, right? All of our friendships here do just that, compliment each other, lend to the other just what we need at just the right time. Thank you for your kind words, but it's just my heart, just what God has put there, to share with others. It's how he made me.

Rest this night my friend. I will chat tomorrow, if God says the same.

Your Sis, Connie.

[clittlelady]

Okay.... To B., Laura, Maryann .... God Bless you all this night.

CONNIE

[bahiyya]

Good Morning Family --

Connie -- thank you for your kind words. From your lips to God's ear. I want to BE the change I want to see. I feel that God is calling me to do His great and powerful work through me and I am constantly relinquishing myself to His Higher Will and Purpose for me. I thank you for SEEING me -- a lotta folks can't.

Connie, I want you to know that your relationship with your mother continues to strengthen my relationship with my mother. My mother was with me for the last week which is quite a long time for us to be together without unrest. We planted together, cleaned, laughed and talked together. It was such a pleasant experience for me. I actually enjoyed her company and was saddened to see her leave. Honestly, this is because of your encouragement to bind that relationship -- thank you ever so much.

Mark -- difficult decisions -- but it sounds like you've made the right decision for both you and your beautiful soulmate. The staffing and emergency response team at a good nursing home will be beneficial to your wife as well as yourself. You will be able to renew your energy and strength to be of greater assistance as well. I know none of this practicality addresses the emotional side -- for sure we know there is not salve for that -- just know that your family near you and your family in cyberspace are holding you in a bond of love and energy. You are loved, protected and capable.

Dearest Sister/Queen Marilyn --

I'm with Mark -- time for celebration -- you have crossed the line of the half-way point -- the rest is down hill. I am celebrating your victory, your energy and your spirit!!!! Hollywood calleth, stardom awaits -- we are your cheerleaders.

Love to all --

b

PS I must share my stories of my girls next post. I'm loving this position!!!!!!

PPS Connie -- you are right, gardening is a healing and humbling experience --

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: Seven down, three to go on radiation. I am getting tired. Like I could go to sleep anytime, anywhere.

The documentary seems to be moving along. My doctor has agreed to be interviewed, i think my hospice nurse as well. My two bosses at state have agreed to be interviewed. The producer seems to want all I can get. My son has agreed, even my grandson has agreed. I feel guilty because when I volunteered I had no idea where this would go. I only volunteered me. Now, I'm afraid people are thinking "What if this is the last thing she asks of me?" I don't want them to do it for that reason, know what I mean.

Mark, I pray for God's will in your life. I know your faith is strong. Just know that I am behind you.

I want to say more but arm has reached limit. come back later.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, you didn't turn into Dr Phil. You have a far better hair style. tee hee. Have you ever noticed people all over here writing what we need to hear on the day we need to hear it? With all the support and help and prayers I've had over the last few weeks, making the decision about a nursing home is becoming a little easier. It's never easy, because who among us would want to be separated from the one we love more than ourselves by the walls of a place like that? And yet, you are so completely right about stress changing us. Even though I grew up in a difficult situation, I've always been easy going, able to make decisions, and willing to be amiable with others. I never let things upset me, that is, until now. Too many things are now out there that I'd like to haul back in and never say or never do. As things seem to intensify with her health, I find that our friends are fewer, but closer. There are few in our neighborhood. We're grateful for those who have befriended me here. Without you, I'd be a useless mess of emotional garbage. She's been my 'reason', my 'purpose'. I need to hide frequently to cry, so she isn't upset by my emotional collapses. We're going to be okay though. The Lord won't let us down. Thank you, my sister, for praying, and for sticking by us through this time. luv ya, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, I'm Mister Emotional today. Crying a lot more than usual. Thank you for your wisdom and insight. My sweetie would have far better care in a nursing home than I could ever give her. But, I just don't want to give in and let this be. It makes me feel like I'm giving up . . . on her. Patiently seek the answer, and when it is needed, it will come. I hope you're well today. It's so good to hear from you, which we all love. Take care of yourself this weekend, and do something just for you. luvz,hugz,me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, three to go! I'm praying for you. Hope you're holding up well with the treatments. Somehow, I have a feeling they aren't doing this as a "request" thing. I think they are all doing this because they first of all love you, and second, care about the issue at hand. They want to help. It is important to open people's minds to this issue. Thank you for praying for me, for us. I always pray for you. I pray your arm is resting well, and not hurting much. I'll write again tomorrow. always a friend, Me

[bahiyya]

Friends--

Mark, Connie, Marilyn you are all in my prayers and meditation. Love yourself this weekend.

b