I Am Dying...

[Guest Guest]

Greetings Family --

Just wanted to check in with everyone.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Talk with you soon,

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi B, It's so good to hear from you. As I saw your post, I suddenly missed Marilyn soooooooo much. Oh, tears!

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone I just stumbled across this website while I was seaching for some ways to cope with my up coming death. I've had a stroke and a heart attack in less than two months after my 21 birthday. It was my fault though, because I wanted to end my life early since things in my life were going so miserably. Now the doctors are telling me that I have less than 7 months to live and I'm just coping with a lot of things. For instance all my friends are pregnant and having babies and having my own children and geting married was one of my dreams. Thats the hardest thing for me to cope with that I will never be able to start a family of my own. I see that someone has had a death of a loved one and my heart goes out to those people dealing with the grief of a loved one at this time. All I can do is take my life one day at a time, even though it feels like I'm about to drop dead at any moment I'm just trying to still establish my life and get things back on track in some kind of way. I am lacking support though. My family and friends aren't very supportive and I just needed a place to talk about my feelings.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

When you see your friends going on and fufilling those things you've dreamed of doing, it's difficult to hide your feelings about it, and ond of them is disappointment. I am truly sorry you suffered a stroke and heart attack at such a young age. Please know that this website was created as a support for each and every one of us, uniquely. We are here to listen to you and to try helping you in any way possible. Please feel free to write anytime about anything on your mind. We would be privileged to make ourselves available to read your posts. We'll try to offer you comfort and advice through your journey. My wife has a terminal illness, and I've learned from her situation that we all go through stages of grieving; denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. These can be felt in this order or in any other arrangement. They can occur only for a moment, or for a long time. Please take a little time each day to just be yourself, and to pamper yourself. A long bubble bath or even a relaxing cup of coffee or tea can do a lot of good for your emotions. Please feel free to talk about yourself and your feelings. This will help. We're here. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[moonlite]

thanks always for your warm words.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Please take good care of yourself. You have many things to cope with. We know the human experience follows a certain course. We are also highly developed creatures in the cosmos, and we have the means to alter a portion of our path. May you have what you need, and peace of mind. Please feel welcome to write anytime, and to look around this website, as some other threads may be helpful to you.

[lauraa]

Dear Guest,

I want you to know that you are in my heart and I will hold you dearly. Please talk to us here and hopefully we will help to lift your spirits while you travel this road. We all know the emotions all to well. Nothing you feel isn't normal for what you are going thru. I find that it is what's in my own heart that is the most important because I know the truth about everything and there really isn't anyone who knows what I have experienced in my life or how I should handle it. I hope you will come to trust us/me so that you will feel supported. Bless you sweetheart!

[Guest Guest]

i am hoperita and i am dying from illness that makes me not sleep at all. its FFI. i loss the feeling in my body and seeing things . my parents thinks i sleep ,they don't know i have this. i need friends who understands somehow

[kathleenplocinski]

I have been taking care of my dying father for the past few months. He just passed away 3 weeks ago. I was lucky enough to be by his side and hold his hand when he passed. I think it is so important for someone who is walking their last part of lifes journey to have someone to hold their hand. I wish I could have traded places with my father. I wish I could have healed his cancer. I did the only thing I could do. I held his hand and took care of his needs. I do not know when my time will come to die, but I would like to help "hold" someones hand if a friend is needed. I have read almost all of the past messages. They touched me deeply. I know my dad must of been scared when he realized he was dying. Because of medical problems my father couldn't hear or talk very well, so a lot of his feelings were kept in. He was the strongest man I knew. It has helped me to read about other peoples feelings. I believe that my father probably shared those same feelings. You are all in my prayers. Kathleen

[sisterstacy]

I am Stacy... Marilyn's sister. I know she came here often because she found a certain comfort here that she didn't find any other place. All of you were special to her. As all of you probably expected, she exhibited unbelievable courage until the very end. She looked forward to heaven. She once told me that even if it ended up that there was no heaven, "that will be okay too, because I've lived a little of heaven on earth the last 18 years of my life." (As some of you may know, she'd been clean and sober for 18 years.) Her only worries about death were how it would affect her family and friends. Marilyn's wake and service... truly beautiful. Everything was just as she wanted and planned; it was different than any other I've ever attended and pure "Marilyn" from beginning to end. There were more tears and less dancing than she wanted, but that's about the only thing we were not able to do to her specifications.

The holidays have been especially hard for my mother and me. I know Marilyn and our brother, Rick (who passed just a litte more than 3 months before Marilyn) are both celebrating their first Christmas in heaven together along with our other loved ones who have passed this life too.

We miss their presence here on earth so much every single day. They were both so young and just beginning to live and enjoy some of the happiest days of their lives when their time here on earth was up.

I don't know why I decided to come here tonight, except that it felt like the right thing to do.

I hope the new year brings all of you much love, laughter, and happiness.

Stacy

[sylviac]

sisterstacy

I just wanted you to know you are in my heart and how uplifting your families story has been to me personally. I will be praying for you and your family during this incredibly difficult time-

Sylvia

[lauraa]

Stacey:

Plase know that Marilyn left us here with many special gifts. Her strength and courage shined through even thru syberspace. I loved here without ever meeting her physically.

I think you are so right in that she and your brother are together for their first Christmas in Heaven.

Thank you for writing to let us know how you are and how the service was. I know it was beautiful.

[clittlelady]

SISTERSTACY:

Your Sister Marilyn, made such an impact on my heart and soul. We shared tears and laughter. She found strength in her friends here, but left us, at least myself, with so much more than what she took. I consider it a true blessing to have known her. Her family indeed was precious to her. Thank you for sharing with us. I've often thought about you and your Mother and the rest of your family during your losses and have sent prayers up for you. I knew your brother had passed away and how overwhelming it all must have been. I too have lost someone precious, as this is how I stumbled onto this forum. I was normally on the Loss of Mother site, but the day I met Marilyn, I just felt compelled to visit the other sites here, thus we met. Her spirit was so sweet and our friendship, though shortlived, will be with me all my days. I look forward to seeing her one day. We were pretty sure we could pick each other out in a crowd. Bittersweet is the word that best fits my grief of losing my Mother. I hope and pray that you and your Mother find hope in each new day and treasure what you meant to each other, those memories are what sustain us. Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Stacy, thank you for writing about Marilyn. I'm so very deeply sorry for your loss. Your sister came here while feeling ill, yet, still well enough to lift our spirits with her charm. She's a one of a kind soul and character. She was so proud of being sober, which she had all the right in the world to be proud of her accomplishment. I am also proud of her for this. As she slipped from our world, we all felt such a depth of loss, a profound loss, like we all lost someone close, nearly like a sister. But looking back at the good she did in her awesome life, I must say that knowing her has been a privilege. Thank you for stopping by. We're here if you should need to talk. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad.

[sisterstacy]

Thank all of you for such lovely posts. You all only got a glimpse of Marilyn. She was an inspiration to so many people. Her charm made people want to be better and live better, not for her, but for themselves. She wasn't perfect by any means, and she'd be the first to tell you that, but she was so grateful and thankful for everything in her life... even for the "crappy" stuff, as she used to say. She truly thanked God for everything, everyday.

Yesterday was a year since our brother passed away. The hurt, loss and sadness over the last year still seems so fresh. I can hardly believe it's been a year since we lost him. I don't seem capable of truly coping with the loss of both of them. I'm still going through the motions, as is my mother. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Love and Peace,

Stacy

[Guest Guest]

Hello Everyone. I am new here. I have suffered a loss recently and it has made me do a lot of thinking...I have been documenting a lot and have thought that maybe someone might want to share/tell their story of dealing with a terminal illness. Please know that I am not here to exploit anyone or make anyone feel intruded upon. I have just thought that people who are dealing with a terminal illness have a certain clarity about life that other people do not have. I feel that we all have something to learn from each other. Many people do not truly live life or appreciate it. If anyone wants to talk to vent please contact me and I will respond. You are all in my prayers...

[tamijo]

I just wondered...how does someone die gracefully? How does someone tell her 4 kids she is ill and will never become well? How can I cut out early to spare them the messy business of caring for me? I don\\\'t want them to have memories of changing my diaper. I just want to go, if I have no choice anyway. I don't want a prolonged death. This is not the me I want them to remember. Dammit, this is not me.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Tamijo, what words can I use? I can first try to say "I'm sorry", but I'm certain you've heard this til you're tired of hearing it. Still, I want to try helping you in some way, in regard to the dignity and grace you deserve. I'll answer your first question by saying, let your soul and mind be at peace with your family and with the God you believe, if any. You need peace, most of all, to get through this. The way you mention your children, I gather that they are younger. Depending on their ages, it may be necessary to bring this up with them in the company of a clergy or counselor, so they have a trusted neutral person with whom they can talk. You may also want to tell each child individually, or by twos, depending on how many the counselor is able to talk to. Your personal care can be dealt with later with the help of personal care assistants and hospice aides. When you need, I can provide you with the name of your closest independent living center. They can help with advocacy and other necessities. There are so many feelings that run through a person at this time. If you need help, or if you just need to vent, please know that we're here, and we are a group of people who care. You are always welcome here.

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I found this site today and have been so touched and by the warmth and inspiration of this thread and Marilyn's courage, that I had to read the entire thread. Even though I did not know Marilyn, I felt a loss when I got to the part where she had stopped posting and that heart breaking post confirming she had passed over.

tamijo, please don't give up, you need to fight for the sake of your children. Your gift to them is being their mother and being around in their lives. The last thing they would want is you to think of cutting your life short to spare them. They want you around to the very end and as for taking care of you, they won't see it as a burden, they will see it as a duty of love and will think no less of you, if you get to the stage you can no longer take care of yourself. Just like you would feel the same way with your mother.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

thank you for saying such dear things about Marilyn. We all lost our friend when we lost her. The beauty of this website is that we're here for each other. May your journey be blessed.

[jackiewitter]

Mark,

Hi, I also read beautiful post between you and Marilyn from the beginning to the end. I was so very moved by the friendship developed between you, Marilyn, B and the others. Your honesty, candor and friendship was such a blessing to her, you can read that in each of her words. What a lesson in humility. I am going to make both of my daughters (25 & 18yrs) read them. They have been struggling with the "unfairness" of the loss of my parents and my brother. I think her journey would be a great teaching tool in living each and every day to the fullest and trying to put away the sorrow of yesterday.

I am usually on the sibling board, sharing with some wonderful women that I met there. I follow your posts quitely from a distance and pray for your wife and you as well. I hope that your wife is comfortable and you enjoy each and every moment with her. I wonder if Jenni has met my brother yet. I have a feeling he's already met with Claudia's Joey...that could be dangerous! I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[kai1836]

Tamijo, without knowing much about your situation I wanted to share something with you. Almost a year and a half ago I joined this site. I haven't posted but a few times as I am busy with other things and joined more to observe than participate. I am 28 and dying of a mix of emphysema and bronchiectisus obliterus.....basically whats left of my respiratory system I am coughing up on a monthly basis. I have a 3 year old daughter whom I live with. about a year ago I actually coughed up blood and lung tissue all over myself in front of her, for the first time. There is no way to predict when I cough if something will come of it or not. She was upset but I immediately cleaned everything up and went on with the night. Outside of the shock of the moment it never affected her at all. I think you should know your children will appreciate the time you spend with them no matter what. I don't care how bad I get I will never end my life, nor (just my opinion) should you. There were no guarantees given to me when I was born and this is the hand I've been dealt. I will be here until the last cell in my lung is gone. I had some suicidal thoughts in the beginning, however after some time I decided that I would take whatever was given me because I owe that much to my daughter. When your gone I believe your children are all thats left. I consider my daughter the best and healthiest part of myself and short of god removing me from this spiritual plane nothing will stop me from spending all the time with her that I can. Good luck to you and hold on, nothing lasts forever!!!

[marthag]

What a blessing, to have found this site. Just when you think \"I have just had it\" something comes ago and then you know you are not alone...That is what I felt when this site came up..I have not read every post, but I shall, there is strength for me there. I have always been a strong, positive person, but sometimes I feel so beat down. In 1997 I was told that I had breast cancer, a rare type of tumor, I just would not believe that between God and I, that I would win that battle..And for 6 years I did. Then,in 2004, they found that the cancer had returned, this time in my colon. Again I was not giving in. Then in 2005, I was diagnosed with COPD, in the end stage.. I have a great doctor, but he told me there was nothing that could be done, mine was so far gone. I ruled out a lung transplant, not because of fear, but the quality of life would not be any better than I have now. So I have received, once again, a death sentence. I try to stay postive, but it is harder everyday as I lose more ability to do things. My husband has a hard time with this, however, there are time that he is almost crude in the way he treats me. When that happens I really just want to say what is the use. He says he gets like that because he is afaird of losing me, but I don\'t understand that. I just want to laugh, have fun and enjoy the rest of my life, how can it be any other way??? Thank each and everyone of you that have read this. I so hope that I will hear from some of you. You are all in my prayers.

[4everjoeysmom]

MarthaG, I admire your courage and strength, although i am certain you have your days of wanting to throw in the towel. I pray as you journey through this thread that you will be inspired by Mrilyn and her story as she journeyed to the end of her life here. She taught us so much about grace and dignity, and love. God bless you. I pray your husband can be the support and the partner you need through your journey. It's a difficult one, too difficult for words to convey. My heart and prayers are with you both. Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

I missed a letter...

Marilyn

[marthag]

Claudia, i was so glad to see you had replied to my message. It really boosted me up. Thank you for the kind words and the encouraging ones. It is hard, no one can really know, except, someone who has or is walking that road. I look at my grandkids and I think will I be here when they become seniors, in school, get married and it makes me so sad. My husband does support me, to a point, but he has always had problems with anger, so this situation does not help. He and my daughter in law had a full blow arguement Sunday and I am thinking the two of you are so selfish. They did not seem to care how it effected the kids and what it was doing to me. I tried to understand, but, Claudia, I can not. I know, without a doubt, if they were me, there is noway that I would do things like that, I would want them to only see and hear happy.. I will search for the lady you told me about, so I can read her story. Thank you again and I wait to hear from you

Marthag

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear MarthaG, I was just thinking of you, so decided to post and let you know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.  Sending BIG HUGS, Claudia

[crushedheart]

I just read your post Martha ..my heart goes out to you and your family ..your in my prayers as well..

[katrine]

Marthag, amidst all the suffering you are enduring, I can sense what a lovely , compassionate heart you have.  My Dad was often insensitive and distant from my beautiful Mum when she was dying of cancer, it was very hard for her to cope with.  She did draw lots of support from groups, close friends, other family members, God and her faith, oh and also her pet cat and dog, which spent so many hours just sitting with her.  Know that you are not alone.  Love and visions for strength and healing, Kat.

[solemate]

Dear Mathag,       I read your post and I wanted to say that your life is not measured by the breathes we take, but the moments that take our breath away. 

You are safe on this site, most have had a lost or in my situation several losses.  I can only think of the pain that you are going through and I wish I was there to say hello and give you support.  I teach motivation and attitude to people who have been unemployed for a long time - one thing I always say is that when you wake up in the morning - you can look in the mirror and choose your day - eg. I choose to have a good day - you have control over this - If you choose to have a bad day - you will have a bad day.  This difficult time is for you - choose to have good days and let others go through their emotions, you have enough to cope with.  Look for the things that give you pleasure, learn yoga and relaxation, scrap book your life by writing a journal of your history. do whatever you want to to give you the moments that are special to you.

I hope that this small post in some way may be helpful to you, I am probably around your age -  the picture is me in the middle with my dear parents who I lost both within hours of each other on the one day 7 mths ago. - gayle

[mikesmum]

Mathag, You truly have strength beyond the trials life has thrown at you.  I worked a number of years with breast cancer and oncology patients and found your mental strength and positive attitude goes along way in overcoming the 'sentences' handed down.

Close friend of ours was diagnosed 14 months ago with Multiple Myeloma.  Initially they found boney mets in his back and pelvis. His kidneys have failed and he is on peritoneal dialysis at home.  After each treatment and a stem cell replacement he is scanned and monitored for signs of remission.  He has a great focus. He and his oncologist stick with the facts.  Blood results, scan results but never never a prognosis.  He says it detracts is focus. 

To be outwardly abrupt, inappropriate or just indifferent happens more often than not, especially with those whose fear of losing is the greatest.  It is so hard to watch and endure.  I know with our friend, his wife, a trained nurse/paramedic is so clinical and practical with him, even in the privacy of their own home.  It is her way I guess of not facing the prospect of losing him.  In some ways, this has allowed him to overcome the feeling of laying down and accepting his diagnosis.

May you see through this at harsh exterior that your husband presents with. It may very well be as simple as his inability to face any idea of losing you, or him just not supporting you in the way you and your daughter feel he should.

I can only offer, speak with him, tell him he will be okay, you will be okay, but you just want your time with him and the family to be free of the negatives that come from conflict.

My thoughts, hopes and energies are with you....

Trudi

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[sadgirl74]

Martha i am here for you also - if you ever need to vent - just email me if you like also - hugs and prayers and love - sheela

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family