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I Am Dying...


platinumblon

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My grandmother has glioblastoma and she was just recently given 1-4 months to live. She went througha resection and 2 different chemo treatments, but nothin g has worked. She was a vibrant, active, healthy woman who collapsed on her last day of work. She was to retire and vacation in Russia. My family is searching all over for a "cure", but every doctor has told us pretty much the same thing. Surgery will give her maybe a few more months, but she may never talk or walk again if she goes through with it. I am very close to her. I'm wrestling with this as I have just recently lost my father to bone cancer. He died on Jan 9th, 1 1/2 weeks after he was given 3-6 months to live. He was my mentor and friend and daddy. I haven't even started to grieve for him. I'm still in shock. I am only 23 and have lost my dear father and will soon lose my dear gramcracker.

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Greetings,

I am brand new to this website. I just found out my Dad has terminal colon cancer...it has spread to his liver, lung, and lymph nodes. I am in shock, I think. I am glad I found this website so quickly after getting the news. Does anyone out there have anything to share about terminal colon cancer, specifically? I appreciate any replies.

Platinum, I am sorry to hear your sad news. We are in shock together about our Dads.

I guess the best thing to do is to tell our loved ones we love them while we still can and spend time with them while we still can. Keep posting.

Thanks to everyone.

LadyBlue

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ladyblue, heather here. i'm so sorry that you and your family got told that news. i am familiar with lung cancer, not colon cancer. i do not know any of your situation or family medical history. i will give you my thoughts based on my experiences. ultimately, you and your family will choose the right thing based on your own situation/circumstance. my gramdma had lung cancer and it went to her brain. she said from day one she wanted no treatment of any kind. she suffered and died at home. my mom had lung cancer and she chose no treatments of any kind either. my mom had MANY, MANY other medical problems in addition to the cancer. in the end the cancer was not what killed her, but of course with choosing no treatment for cancer it would have eventually taken her. my uncle had lung cancer and went thru everything that was offered to him. he suffered alot and died at home. my cousin had lung cancer. he also went thru all kinds of treatments that he was offered. he suffered and died at home. i would suggest that your family sit down and talk about the situation. TRY to think logically and realistically based on the info that the drs gave you. get all the thoughts and feelings out and i think after you do that you all will come to the decision that is right for you and your family. it is a hard thing to go thru no matter what choice is made. and always remember to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you while they are still physically here. i'm sure you know that. i wish you the best and please keep posting. i think this is a wonderful place to come to and i am so happy/comfortable here. i hope you will be too. heather

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slowlyhealing

Am I dying? Sometimes it feels like it, but then there are times where it doesn't. I am only 19 years old and turning 20 shortly, but there are times where you need your family around you. my family is broken. My father ran off a while back right before we got the news that my mom has ALS. What do you do? I was only 17 and I was left to take care of the empty void my father left our family. I was left to watch this disease eat up my mom. She can no longer walk. She can no longer talk. The voice that use to tell me that she loved me almost every day is no longer there. I watch helplessly as she sits there. Her mind racing with things she still wants to do, but her body, a shell that won't let her live for much longer. It has gotten a lot worse since the first time we heard about the ALS, and now its a matter of time. My aunt says it won't be long. My heart says to hold on. My mind is screaming all the painful and hurtful things that I am feeling. "it's your fault." I know... it isn't but there are those times...

I know I am not dying. I know God has me here for a reason. I am scared... I know my mother won't be there to see me walk down the aisle. I know my mother won't be holding her first grandchild, and it scares me. Times I feel alone even though I am not. I am not dying. My hope is stuggling, my mind tries to hold on to the dreams I use to have for myself, but... its hard.

I guess it helps to let it out sometimes. I'm not dying, but my mom is. I'm still here.

Yes... I'm still here

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Hi,

We here at Beyond Indigo are looking to talk to people who are going through

the end-of-life process. We are looking specifically for people who are sick

and are being cared for by a former spouse -- someone they once were

married to and have re-established a relationship with in life's later

hours. We would be interested in talking with people who are sick, or their

former spouses. If the sick person has already passed, we be interested in

speaking with the care giver.

If you know someone please email me at kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly

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My grandma has cancer and was admitted to the hospital Tuesday with what we were told is an infection. To make a long story short it's not just an infection and she is probably not going to make it. I've never lost anyone other than my cats, who I consider my children, and I don't know what to do. She's only 78. She's not supposed to die this young. She was so active and this is so sudden and I don't know how to handle this. I'm angry. I'm sick. I'm shaking. I'm crying. I'm screaming. I'm praying and I'm totally helpless. I don't want to live without her. I don't know how to get through this. It feels like I can't. I have the day off of work tomorrow but I keep thinking about how I will not be able to go back to work, which I just started 2 months ago, and get through my days with her not doing well or possibly not around. What does a person do to get through this?

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chaquan1, the very first thing I can suggest to you is sit down, take a few deep breaths, and try to calm yourself. I am so deeply sorry for what you are going through. The things you are feeling is the grief of this impending loss of someone you love so much. You will be able to come to term with these feelings, and this will happen as you face them one by one. What you are going through is normal, and you will feel better. It will take time for you to come to terms with this and heal from the loss you face. Be patient with yourself and take time out to nurture yourself as you go take your journey through the grieving.

Thanks for writing, and for visiting. Please feel free to write anytime, and let us know how you are doing. Like so many others, I have found so many carinig people here who not only help each other, but become friends.

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waynesliljeanne

Hello. I have read most of the postings here. I can relate to them from many different angles. My husband, Wayne, died Feb. 24, 2005. He had small cell lung cancer. He had started seeing his doctor in Sept. for some general fatigue and weakness. By the end of October his was in such intense pain we went to the ER 3 times. Nov. 2nd we were told that a CT scan showed a small spot in one lung. Nov.18th he was admitted in extreme pain. Nov. 28th we received the phone call confirming cancer... it had already spread to his liver, adrenal gland, some lymphnodes and his bones. Dec. 3rd he was re-admitted with possible pnuemonia, a UTI and complications of Pancreatitis.

We came home Dec.10th. On Dec. 13th he was admitted a third time, again for Pancreatitis. Our 23rd anniversary was Dec. 19th. Dec. 20th the doctor told us that any treatment would do more harm than good, and that he might have 1 to 2 months to live. We didn't have time to be sad, or angry or incredulous. My husband went from being overtired and somewhat weak to bedridden in less than 2 months. Two months which passed so unbelievably fast I still can't comprehend it. I don't know much about other types of cancer, but I am certain that no matter the lable, the pain, anger, and disbelief are the same.

I cared for him at home with family help until his death. I am so glad I had that time with him, but it is hard to focus on... there were times when I felt that I was dying right along with him. There were even times when he asked me to do so - asked me to go with him - because it was so incredibly hard to let go it seemed better for us to go together. Sometimes now I wish I had. I know what it's like to feel horribly wrong about living.

I was Wayne's primary care giver, and I experienced the fear, the guilt, the anger. I experienced the frustration that came when I wanted, even needed, to do something for Wayne, but he didn't want it done. I went through the exhaustion of always being "on", always being available, not ever being able to escape to a spot where his illness didn't exist. To add just a little extra, our son was admitted to the hospital on Dec. 27th in a coma - caused, by some weird twist of fate, by - truthfully - Cat Scratch Fever. So I had to divide my time, attention and care, and felt horribly inadequate for both of them. And most of all, I had to accept the devasting reality that no matter how much I did for him, I could not make him well.

Now, daily I live with the fact that he is not coming home. I don't see him

"just going around every corner" or walking in front of me just out of reach.

I don't walk in the door at the end of the day and say "hi babe, I'm home" because I momentarily forgot he wouldn't be here. Because it is in front of me every single second of every day that he is NOT.

Well meaning people tell me it will get easier. The good memories will come back. The sadness will soften. That, someday, I'll find someone new.

Well, how does not having the one who made your life complete get easier?

the good memories never left - but the lack of new ones is hard to take.

Sadness can't soften - it might recede, but it doesn't get more gentle, it's still very, very hard. I don't want someone new. It's not even a consideration. Wayne knew that - knew that loving someone else would be cheating them and me by being less than what I had with him - why does anyone else think it would be any different than that? Why don't they comprehend that if it's "No Wayne" then it's "No One"?

I hope that this helps some of you out there. I am also selfish enough to hope that somehow it helps me.

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waynesliljeanne, hello. i have not lost my husband but i did loose my mom to terminal illness in feb 2004. i helped to care for her. everything that you wrote that you are/were feeling is NORMAL. allow yourself to feel/express those emotions. you began your grieving process before your husband passed and you will continue your grieving for the rest of your life..........but it will get better. i know that is something that you don't want to hear because right now you are not to that point, but it does happen. you had 23yrs of marriage, you can not adjust to life now in a mere 2 months. it will take time, how much time, i can't say for sure because each of us grieves in our own way and our own time. the first year is hard. everthing is so new and of course alot of "firsts". i hear that the second year is hard because the reality sets in of your loved one not being there. then, i also hear that it gets easier after the first year. who knows. it takes 9 months to "have" a baby. women expect their bodies to go back to normal in a month, doesn't always happen. so how can we expect ourselves to be back to "normal" so quickly. life is about changes, nothing ever stays the same. we have to learn to make adjustments in our lives when differents situations occure. and it can be hard to do that. if you feel that you do not want/need another partner then so be it. you know what is best for you. people do mean well when they say things. they just don't realize how the words are received. i am a hospice volunteer and i go to a grievence group once a week. i learn alot at both places. it helps me to grow also. if you are able, find a support group (in person) and attend. when you are ready. and please keep coming here. it is good just to let those feelings out. and yes. BE SELFISH. it is ok. we all can lean on each other for strength and support. i wish you the best. heather

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To All,

For what it may be worth, I am going to give you some information that just may save the lives of those of you who are either sick and dying yourselves or are experiencing the dying of a precious loved one.

Look, this information is meant to give each of you additional options to your present condition, instead of having to suffer through radiation, surgery or chemo or the thought of doing nothing or being told that there is nothing you can do!! I don't buy any of that negativity for there has been throughout time immortal ways of handling and even curing cancer no matter how much time one has been given to live.

For those of you that live close to Mexico, there is a medical center called the Bio-Medical Center in Tijuana Mexico that has been helping cancer patients for years with great success in some kinds of cancer by natural herbal supplements. Their phone number is (011 52 664 684 9011) or you can go to the "LIFE IN LIMBO" section of this same category "COPING WITH TERMINAL ILLNESS" and go to my response, "sdimarzo" for exact information on this center in Mexico.

Also, there is a website (www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com) that has all kinds oF information on cancer cures. Please, if you do nothing else check out this website and possible cures for your precious loved one, even pets. There is one cure that is so unbelievable that it sounds crazy but has a very good cure rate. It consists of flaxseed oil and cottage cheese. So, look up "flaxseed oil and cottage cheese" on this website and read about what a powerful method this is to cure cancer.

Look, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, and most of all, it is not going to cost you your home or all of your savings!! Please, help yourself and those whom you love, NOW!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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Hi all, I am new to this forum. In Feb. 2004, my hubby, Scott, began having abdominal pain. We went to our PCP and he sent us to the ER thinking it may be a burst appendix. He went into emergency surgery and when the doc came out, he told me they found a tumor the size of a grapefruit in his colon. It was such a shock, to say the least. More tests were taken and it was determined Scott had Stage IV colon cancer (13/21 lymph nodes and greater omentum infected). Scott did 6 mos. of chemo and in July, we were told he was NED (no evidence of disease).

Then in December, he started having abdominal pains again. Back to the ER and when the surgeon opened him up again, they found he had adhesions due to scar tissue, which they removed, but also that his cancer had come back and spread throughout his abdominal cavity (called peritoneal carcinomatosis) which is a rare cancer. We spoke with a couple of oncology surgeons to see if Scott would be a candidate for a surgery called Intraoperative Peritoneal Chemo in which they open him up, remove all the tumors and put heated chemo directly into his abdomen. Well, his cancer is too wide spread, he was not a candidate. He is now considered terminal. The docs haven't given us any indication of how much time, but from what I've researched, we're guessing 6 mos. at the most. We are devastated by this news, but we are still looking into options (ie alternative medicine & further chemo).

Can anyone help me with what we are to expect? Right now Scott still works about 3 days a week, but he is getting weaker. We have two children, ages 8 & 4 and we have not discussed Scott's impending demise. They know Daddy is very sick and has been in and out of the hospital. We need to sit down with our 8 year old and explain things to him, but we don't think our 4 year old will quite understand. I have been reading her children's stories which pertain to death, but I don't think she understands.

Well thanks for listening. If anyone can shed some light on what to expect from my husband's illness, physically, please let me know. We are both very frightened.

Linda

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btrcup, thank you for posting. i'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this. check on this site in the life in limbo section.....under terminal illness. look for post on april 17 2005 from steve. he put up some great info about treatments for cancers. i would suggest to you to begin to talk with BOTH kids now. and continue to talk with them all the way thru and also after. it is so hard for us "adults" to accept and understand the thing that we are dealt in life. you might be surprised to see how well your kids accept and understand when you talk with them on their level. i have 2 kids ages 3 and 5. my mom died in feb 2004. i helped to care for her and my kids were with me 24/7. we talked about their "nonnie" being sick. we talked after she died.......everday for 3 months straight. we still talk about my mom but it is easier now and they really do understand. kids sometimes just don't know how to deal with their feelings/emotions and that is where we need to help them too. we "adults" go thru the same thing. but, we can come here, read a book, meditate, yell and scream, cry, ect... they may not be aware of other avenues to help them. now, i am only speaking on my personal experience. my best friend has 2 kids ages 12 and 11. she never discussed death/dying/sickness with them. and she had situations in her family that i feel she should have talked with her kids about. one time her kids saw pictures of my kids being born and she refussed to talk to them about what they saw......even though they had questions. i talked with them and they did very well. education is our best tool. check out the info that steve posted. remember about the quality of you husbands life as you go thru this. quality and comfort are so important. i wish you the best. heather

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heavenbound777

i am writing because i am dying and have experienced in 6 years my mother and my husband\'s death. having that personal relationship with Jesus, hepled me to accept so many stages of greiving.

knowing Jesus all my life and being with Him in the presence of the Holy Father before i was born and being with Him again after I pass tells me that everything will be according to His will. i will have no more pain and joy will surround me.

i was given the gift of discernment. i was shown signs of others passing and dreams that God gave me to let me know where they would be going. God is so good , yet we are so envolved with our own grief that we cannot see the smallest answer to our questions about death.

God is preparing a place for me, somewhere i know i will enjoy .

we are born and we die, it is something to talk about,laugh , cry, share your thoughts with your love ones. when you lose a love one death is about you, so take hold of it and understand it and you will feel the joy that your love one

experiences through their death. death is of the body , not the spirit.

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ginatomball

hello,

I want to say right up front - i am not dying.

I am a student who has decided to do a project on death. I am looking for stories, poems, pictures, drawings - anything that reflects something good that comes from knowing you or someone you are close to is nearing the end. For example, we were devestated when we found out my grandfather only had about 6 weeks to live. But, i got the oppertunity to tell him so many things i had never taken the time to before. I got to ask for the story of how he and my already departed grandmother met.

My point is that there can be small blessings that come with knowing the end is approaching. If you have an interest in sharing your story, please do. Even if it\'s just a picture of something you did - send it.

I encourage you to post your story here also. This forum can link people together for support.

Please send anything you are willing to j/e/n/n/i/f/e/r/@uschoice .net ( without the / and spaces)

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Dear Heavenbound,

Thank you for those beautiful words. They are a gift to me. You are so wise! You will be reunited with you dear loved ones and it will be a glorious reunion and yes, there is a place being prepared for you. Beautiful! God bless you!

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I am new to this website and wanted to introduce myself. I am a terminally ill 26 yr. old male. I live in North Central WV and am just looking for people on here to talk about my life with. I get pretty lonely sometimes and would like to meet some new people. After looking through other posts on here I guess I should share some of my story. I was born very premature, multiple complications required me to have a lung removed at app. 6 months of age. I had numerous other health problems up until about 6 then after that I was fine until about age 12. I started have trouble with my lung(s) and was refferred to a pulmonologist after being diagnosed with emphysema. After a second diagnosis I was told that I just had a mild case of asthma even thoguh I didn't and never had actually experienced an attack. I got on a few medications and went on about my life. During high school my doctors noticed that for some reason I was losing lung capacity. After some tests were run they declared that I had severe asthma with airway remodeling meaning that since my lungs were producing more mucous than I could handle the excess was laying in my airways and forming fibrous tissue slowly blocking and eventually totaly clogging my bronchials. So after consulting with a few more doctors I was in need of a lung transplant and after losing my health insurance I'm told that I have between 2 to 3 years left. Being as young as I am and having struggled with my lung(s) for as long as I have this has been difficult for me to deal with.

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hi kai1836. heather here. i'm sorry that you have had all these health problems. it sounds like you have been strong all along. that is wonderful. did you have the lung transplant or no because of no insurance?? i am located near harrisburg pa. my mom had many health problems too. she passed away 1yr and 5 mo ago. i helped to take care of her. do you have someone to help you when you need it?? i wish i had a good answer for you to fix all of this, but i do not. i can offer you compassion, support and a listening ear. are you able to work?? i do hope that this site helps you. i know it has helped me. i wish you the best. heather

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Heather,

Thank you so much for responding. I haven't had the transplant and probably won't. As far as having someone who can help me, my parents had already lost my sister to leukemia when I was born. I was obviously a handful when I arrived and since finding out about my poor health I have refused all but what little it takes to keep me alive and not homeless from them. I have felt guilty about living past birth my entire life due to my health. It has been a constant struggle with ever worsening news the whole way. I have been nothing but a burden on my parents emotionally and financially . I have tried working as much as I can but when I get ill I tend to cough up blood and lung tissue anymore and that makes it difficult to hold a job. Plus several times I have had to be taken to the hospital for other complications.

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kai1836. I'm Mark, a musician in the NYC metro area. I grew up with a lot of medical problems, and was in critical condition with it. The illness claimed my brother's life before he was two years old, and the stress of raising me this ill took it's toll on my parents. Sometimes, they became violent toward me, and I would be placed in foster care. I believe they were angry at the illness, not me. They just transferred the anger to me and I took the hit. Not pretty, but I made it through.

Looking at my present, I'm so grateful that my children are free of the illness. As we look to the future, I may have difficulties, but we have placed measures to help us.

I hope you will be able to find financial options for your health care, and if you would like, I will check a bit to see if I can find anything. I also hold a degree in social work and counsel with an independent living center.

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Mark, Thank you very much for the reply and I appreciate the offer of help. Its funny, when I first started dealing with this I used to think screw this the doctors are crazy I can "beat" this........but after time with the news always getting worse its kind of worn me down to where I'm not optimistic at all. I wish I was but I'm not sure how to get it back. It seems that my illness combined with other unfortunate circumstances in my life have just beat me down to where I can't get up. I'm not happy anymore and I really don't like it.

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Kai1836, to be in your place is beyond my thoughts. While contentment and happiness seem to elude you, I hope you can have peace within. Sadly, I relate to the lack of optimism when the doctors speak, for my wife lies in the final stage of dystrohpy. May you have enough for all you need. Let us know how you are doing, and we'll always be here to care and listen.

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Hello:

Its been some time since my last reply. I wanted to thank Mark again for the kind words I appreciate it very much. If there are any other terminally ill people out there that read these boards, I would like to talk to some of you. I am curious about a lot of the things I am feeling and would like to know if they are common. Thank you.

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I'm not real sure if this is where I'm supposed to be, but I sort of accidently found this place. I am in the final stages of a 13 year illness, and no longer ambulatory, so I have too much time on my hands to just think about things. It's amazing how silence can be so loud at times.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Jd13yrs, my heart is touched by your situation. My wife is in the final stage of dystrophy, which can turn fatal soon. Please feel free to write anytime, and I'll be here to talk to you.

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Thank you alwaysmyjennifer, it sounds as though you are going through your own trials so it makes your response that much more meaningful. I am sorry to here of your wife's illness. Please make sure she knows she is loved as often as possible, because being alone is more painful than any disease on this earth. I will keep you both in my prayers.

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Hello,

I am not dying however the time for comfort care for my father in law has began. He not terminalhe is 83 and just gave up 3 years ago. Preston lays in a nursing home with slight dementia and now kidneys are starting to fail. He won't eat much or drink so dehydration will take him...how long how knows the doctors say not long.

I took care of dad for awhile when my mother in law threw him out. When we got him dad gained 30lbs and was doing well enough to be in assisted living until he became to sick.

Preston is a great man, so loving and funny, now a frail unresponsive confused man. I can only pray it will be painless. Soon Johnny will be with his "Grandpa". It has only been a year since John died now dad, someone is really testing me. Well thanks for letting me vent.

Peace to all of you.

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You have hit on my biggest fear, not knowing what is going on around me and being completly at the mercy of strangers for my care. I am currently under hospice care in my home, so far I don't require 24 hour care, but I can no longer get around on my own and am confined to bed the biggest part of the time. It is getting to be almost embarrassing and humiliating to depend on someone else for all my needs, so maybe your father-in-law is better off not realizing what is happening. Perhaps it's a way for our soul to separate our bodily needs from our mental need of wanting to be self sufficent and in control.

I am so sorry for the lose of your son. And equally sorry for your impending loss. I wish I had some magical words to give you, but all I can think of right now is God Bless You and you will be in my prayers.

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I feel the need to apologize for my last post. It should have occured to me that some of you have been through the same with your loved one and it may still be a grim reminder, so if I opened any wounds, I am deeply sorry.

God Bless

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JD13yrs, Please no need to apoligze. My heart goes out to you. Are you without family and friends? You should not be alone. When my son died, I just kept asking who did he meet in heaven? We have not had family members die that he knew but he did have a couple of friends die. I know Jesus' light guided him as when he took his last breath he had a bronze glow to him.

I am no longer afraid of dying.

jd13yrs what if you don't mind telling do you have? I was so angry at my son's death for so many reasons but the main one was i was on my death bed when he was 13 years old, we were planning a life without his momma, and 9 1/2 years later it is my son who died and not me. I pray for you and please don't ever feel you cannot express your thoughts... I will listen if you want me to.

Johnnys mom forever 22, Lucette

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jscmom, You have excellent timing.

I don't have a family and as far as friends, that has a lot to do with my illness. I don't make it a practice to discuss it usually, but at this point I have nothing left to lose. I have been hiv+ since I was 20 yrs old, and kept it a pretty good secret until I started getting sick frequently. I've now progressed to aids and it's a lonely feeling.

Some friends no longer wanted anything to do with me because of it and some were angry that I didn't tell them sooner, so they felt betrayed and like I put them at risk, which was never a possibility.

I wanted to be like everyone else, marry a man who loved me, start a family and just lead a normal life.

That was taken away from me at 20 and it made life alot harder than I ever expected.

Thanks for replying, it came at the just the right time.

JD

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jd13yrs Hi there, how are you doing? You know I had to giggle a little when you wrote I had excellent timing, i have been told that for years now, think that there might be something to it? Just kidding!!!

Jd, hiv since 20, I am sorry. I know this well, a my brother in law has aids and has had it for aound 10 years now. You don't need to feel lonely I will be here for you. I am a good listner.

People still do not understand hI and or Aids so they will keep away because of fear if nothing else. They need to be educated a little and love a lot.

How can your friends be angry if you did not put them at risk? Sounds like a excuse to run, I am sorry if I sound so harsh but I have sen the reality of ignorance.

You did not mention family? Where are they if any? I pray you are not totally alone in this world jd no one should be.

My brother has aids because of his lifestyle of being gay and not being careful. What happened why do you have it?

I feel you are a good person and some how you got a wrong deal. Pleasw don't feel alone I AM HERE FOR YOU.

So my new friend write to me whenever you want to talk.

Lucette

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jscmom, thanks for the offer, but to be honest I feek like I'm on display here, being alone sucks, but wondering if complete strangers think you are a bad person and deserve what you get is worse.

This is a great place and I've seen alot of support and understanding floating around and I truly hope that you all can overcome your pain. I assure you that I have no malice towards any one, I've spent 13 years searching for understanding and I actually received more here than anticipated. Had I lied and said I had cancer or some other acceptable affliction, I think the outcome would have been different.

I do find peace in the fact that I believe God knows my heart, and if that's all I have to hold on to, than I will except it and continue as I have for 13 years.

To all here who are greiving, for whatever reason, you will be in my prayers. I've always believed there was a place and reason for everyone in this world.Apparently my place continues to be right here where I am.

God Bless you all and Love one another.

JD

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alwaysmyjennifer

Jd13yrs, there is no judgment, no condemnation. You are just a person, our friend. I don't look at the illness socially, only for what it's doing to you physically, and then out of care in a way that I'd be willing to help you. I grew up around many illnesses: I have a few that have crippled me. Please take good care of yourself. I hope you can feel like you are with friends who care about you, with no regard to anything but you as yourself.

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jd31, I respect your wishes and I will not intrude, however my offer is still open, you may email me at any time if you would like.

I do not pass judgement on no one. No one needs to be alone or feel alone. I know what that feels like and if I can help I will. Ouestion for you jd, who do you know that their apron is snow white? Don\'t be hard on youself but I do understand. You take care of yourself, I did not mean to offend you, Lucette

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alwaysmyjennifer, Thank you for that, I am just so used to ignorance and judgement it is hard to grasp that there are people like you who really do want to help. I'm just scared and don't know where I go from here.

jscmom, I also thank you. It's not that you are imposing or that I'm offended, but I've spent 13 years not talking about this out of fear of rejection. That fear has brought me to the place I am now, and I don't want to die alone.

JD

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alwaysmyjennifer

Jd13yrs, I have fought with a heart condition since birth. My wife is in the last stages of dystrophy, trying to turn fatal on her. I look at it this way, illnesses happen, and they unfortunately do dreadful things to us. I know that I'll most likely die of a heart attack. This inhuman illness will kill my wife of two decades. Who am I to reject anyone? You're no longer alone. For the moment, try to relax and know you're with a few friends who care.

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alwaysmyjennifer, I'm sorry you are going through these trials, and I very much appreciate you taking the time to try and ease my mind, when yours is also troubled. You will be in my prayers

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alwaysmyjennifer

jd13yrs, I'm sorry I've been away. My wife was hospitalized, and in intensive care. I hope you're feeling reasonably well, and getting through the day alright. For today, rest your mind knowing you are not alone, and with friends. We're here, even though I may sometimes be gone for a few days for hospitals.

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JD13yrs,

I had just read some of your post here. No-one should be alone and I just want you to know that positive energy flows and I hope you can feel my prayers heading your way and above. I lost my husband 18 months ago and although I wasn't alone I still felt alone and still do. You sound like a really wonderful person and I am sorry you are in so much emotional pain. I care and you are in my heart and prayers.

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To all who are dying or those who have a loved one dying...

Someone just posted this under the Reincarnation forum here, but I've taken a look and it also deals with death, dying and helping someone else who is dying. It might be worth a look for anyone afraid of death and dying, and what happens to us all upon physical death. Me, I've put it on my Christmas wish list. You can read the posting in its entirety in that forum - here I've just listed the last piece of info.

"Information can be found at www.easydeathbook.com

More information can be found at www.adidam.org and www.beezone.com"

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I am 55 and have been givin 8m -12m to live. I have such a loving family including an 11 year old little girl. I get so emotional and swing back and forth between grief and anger. Im afraid of dying but not of death. If that makes sense I dont know what to expect. Right now I dont feel real sick. Dang it I dont want to leave my family and I sure dont want to hurt them but we are hurting all of us. so darn mauch. I almost wish I never knew the time I have left to live it has change everthing to such saddness. I dont know what to do I feel so lost . Cathy

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Dear Cathy,

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I lost both of my parents and my husband all within 6 months of each other last year. I always had a fear of death but not anymore. I think my husband and dad taught me how to live and how to die. They were so brave! Their biggest suffering and mine was to know we would be departed from one another....I think that is what you feel, too. My dad was so honest about everything and we truely bonded deeper than ever before and I didn't think that would be possible. I think we get all caught up in worrying about the physical suffering that might occur and it takes much of our energy....It turned out it was peaceful for all three of my loved ones. I would only suggest that you talk to everyone and not to leave any stones unturned. It will be your gift to your loved ones! I am not afraid to die anymore. I have had so many signs that life goes on and we are spiritually always together and I know someday we will all be together again eternally. God bless you and your family thru this difficult time. One day at a time because that is all any of us really have!

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alwaysmyjennifer

Cathy, I am sorry you are in this situation, and how much it hurts you and your dear family. My wife and I know all too well this pain. She's in the final stage of dystrophy, but for us, we don't know when, only that it will happen. Even though it's difficult and painful, make the most of the time with your family, especially your children. My children are so blessed to have their mom, the most beautiful woman I could want to spend my life with. Her greatest desire is to see her sons grown and independent. If she must leave me before then, I'll continue raising them in her gentle, loving way. Be open and honest about your wishes for the future. Make sure your whole family knows what you want and expect. They'll honor these wishes out of love, even if it hurts. I find that I'm already doing this for my sweetie. Children respond to death much differently than us adults. They are so matter of fact in it all, so telling them what you expect of their behavior will be stored in their hearts forever.

Please feel free to write all you want. We're here to listen and help. My apologies for not seeing your post sooner, but my wife has been hospitalized, and I limited myself to the minimum of contacts during that stressful time. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Mark

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I also am dying. In may 2005, I was diagnosed with cancer. It has been a growing period, I worry about family and loved ones. This is my first experience with a message board. I am not sure of etiquette? (misspelled), manners.

I struggle to know how to talk with people about feelings of death. This is a leap of faith. I hope to hear from a kindred spirit.

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alwaysmyjennifer

I'm sorry that you face this fight with cancer. My wife is in the final stage of dystrophy, which is a slow, painful process. Her worries are for our children, how I'll continue raising them, my future relationships (she pushes that issue), and she has a lot of fear. I understand the leap of faith for you. It takes courage to talk about this openly with others. Please don't worry about "etiquette". The spelling isn't important, or how you say things. We're here to listen to you, and to help you and comfort you. This is a community of people who help each other. I hope you can find peace, hope, and comfort here.

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marilynwhite3049

Thank you alwaysmyjennifer for your quick response. How can I change my name from guest to something more permenent. Not much is permenent in my life right now, I at least want a name for this experience.

Last night was my support meeting. I am the only terminal one in a group of eight. I steered to conversation to death and they were all uncomfortable and eager to go. Has anyone else had this experience? I don't remember ever consciously thinking death was a taboo subject, but is it?

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alwaysmyjennifer

It seems like our modern "live for today" society has a tendency to fear death. Personally, I don't see the problem with talking about death and dying, as we face it directly on a daily basis. I can understand your feelings about things being permanent in your life. Perhaps, for a support group, if you contact the hospital and ask if they sponsor one or know of one you can join, it may be better for you than the fear you saw last night. You're perfectly fine talking about death here. This is why we are all here, so it's a wide open topic. My screen name is in honor of my daughter, who died at 21 years old, after being raped. Please take care of yourself.

look forward to hearing from you, Mark

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