I Am Dying...

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Afternoon: B, enjoy. You are my world traveler, thank you for sharing your life with me. I thank God for you, I get to still feel there is hope and help out there that is genuine, honored, and lovingly dispensed.

Mark, I don't understand why you hide to dry. What would your wife do if she cought you crying? Would she comfort you? Or, would you comfort her? Yall's love, it is strong. To me, God gave you each other to lean on and support. Crtying is a big part of that, isn't it?

Connie, yes, I see you as a rock. You have halped me so much with my mom. I could never repay you for that. When you say things are rough at your husband's job, is he getting a full work-week? Are rude things said to him? Has he checked out the state rehabilitative services? He might be more suited for different work. Explore, I know it is hard when you are down, but make it an adventure. If yu make it one, it will become one.

arm is out Love and Peace

[clittlelady]

GOOD EVENING TO ALL MY FRIENDS HERE:

This family has heart. This family has spirit. To each of you, I send my love and appreciation for all that you have contributed to the better person that I am as each day goes by. I can taste a little taste of how God loves us, how he desires us, to be our rock. He allows us to sample that taste of goodness through each other here. I know we've all been in a hard place and/or are in one now, at this point in life. Weathering the storms will have a sweet and victorius ending in this life for us all for remaining faithful to God's will and a wonderful new life in eternity. Some of us will just get there before others. I encourage each of you to close your eyes and hear the stillness, feel the breath of his love upon your face, feel the warmth of hope and love in his promises. I had a dream that caused me to awake with these feelings. I felt I was standing before GOD and it was GOOD. Words cannot do the peace I feel in my soul true justice. I wish to share it with you all. God Be with you each this night. I love you all as my family. God Bless.

Connie

[lauraa]

Connie,

Thank you for sharing your message with us all....I needed to hear that....I think when we are going through hard times it is so easy to loose sight of our faith or maybe a better way of saying it would be that we are angry with god...I know it has been a challenge for me throughout my grieving process but it is just that....a process. You are right that everyone here has spirit and heart....thank you all!

I hope you all have a blessed nite and a peaceful sleep.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, good to hear from you. I hope you and your little one are well. I keep a prayer for you with your work and studies. You're doing well, and I'm so happy you are. Be proud of your accomplishments. Be thankful we live in this century, so you can have these accomplishments. Always a friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, someone wrote "no man is an island". God never intended for us to be alone. It's not healthy for us. To be here, within our "family" of precious friends who are bound by our common thread of grief, is our blessing. We're all growing, which means we haven't reached a place of "maturity" yet in this process of grieving. When we're mature, we'll place into perspective our sorrow, and our hopes for rebuilding what our grief tore down. Rest your heart. You're a sister in our Lord. luv ya, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, you are so sweet to think this way. She is so upset now about the way the illness has torn through her body, how quickly she's declined in her health, that she becomes distraught and sometimes angry when I cry. She wants me to be happy, not upset. I pray I don't bore and upset those who have heard this (all too often), but she even wants me to leave her and find a "healthy" woman to love. She doesn't want me going through the sorrow of her death. My heart is hers, so onward we go. If I cry, I cry. I may try to keep my tears from her, but my children see the tears frequently. There are a few people, without whom this would be so hopelesslly impossible. Some are here on BI. They know who they are. I'm so happy and thankful that you make such an effort to write to us, even though it causes your arm such pain. I'm far better a man since you've shared your wisdom and wit with us. Thank you for doing this, from my soul I thank you. I keep prayers for you through the treatments, and through the day to day living issues which can make a speed bump seem like Mount Everest. Although a speed bump can slow us down in a wheelchair, Everest can bring our wheels to a quick stop. Take care of yourself, please. Hope your Sunday is great, my dear friend. luv, hugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thanks for stopping in and dropping a note. I always feel blessed by what you say, not in a superficial "charasmatic" religious way, but in a way that the sun blesses our world with beauty and warmth. I pray this weekend is going well for you and your children. They're precious souls, a beautiful gift from God to you and your husband. To them, you're their best friend, a wonderful and beautiful mom, and they want to make this less painful for you, just as you try to make this less painful for them. This is called love. Have a good Sunday. I'll talk then. hugs, luvz, me

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: I know I can only type a little while before pain is too much. Mark, sone of my friends told me that his grief was his business. Sure, I will leave gap, but it is his choice to remain my friend and spend time he can with me now. Myabe wife doesn't realize that your grief is something that she can not control, God could, but we don't have those powers.

I hope tomorrow I will get my arm fixed. I am not afraid of going to unti. I will be able to test if med form relally works. Plus, this time I will act like patient. Last time, I wore street clothes during day. This time I will wear pjs. Plus, God wouldn't send me there for nothing. There is something I need to learn or see up there. God is still using me. Aint' that neat

love and peas

[lauraa]

Mark,

There you go again making me cry.....thank you for your kind words. I do try as hard as I possibly can to be the best I can be. Mary loves you so much that she doesn't want to see you sad so she pushes you away so it doesn't hurt so bad.....remember that. It isn't that she doesn't want to be with you. My husbands heart was broken because he felt responsible for his illness that drasticly changed the dynamics of our family.....it ripped thru our lives like a hurricane and left us all devastated.....it hurt me so bad to watch him have to live with that emotional pain on top of his physical decline....Mary loves you deeply. You can cry though all you want....it is o.k. I am sure there is much more where that comes from......drink lots of water. I prepared myself for all the big things after my husband passed but in all honesty it was all the everyday things that caught me off guard.....which reminds me how important "everything" is in our lives. All the conversations, eye contacts, cards and letters, phone calls, special moments only two people in love know, taking delight in watching our kids grow, making a house a home, loving our animals, preparing a special meal or treat just cause ya know it will make someone happy.....and the list goes on and on......Mark, keep taking in all those moments my friend and just calm Ms. Mary cause something tells me you ain't going nowhere.......I truely think of you everyday with hopes that your all doing well.

To all my BI friends, You all in your own ways gives me strength everyday. I hope that I have helped even in a small way to help all of you. I don't have the answers and I am so sad in my life but it does help so much to know others care....thank you all.

Marilyn, I gain so much from your strength! Whenever I feel really down and lonely due to my losses I have to believe that all my loved ones are in a much better place and reunited with loved ones, angels, god and are free from any kind of pain.....the most glorious, peaceful place imaginable.......I will pray for you.

Connie, I am doing the best I can to process my loss and get thru this grieving....I hate it! It hurts so bad that my stomach hurts. I miss my husband and parents so much. We can't go around it or over it but we can only go thru it......just like cleaning the house and even while cleaning the house we still don't want to get rid of "stuff".

B, You just totally inspire me! Everyone here does!

Everyone, have a peaceful nite...bless you all.

[bahiyya]

Marilyn -

Yes Baby Sister -- that is "neat" -- but not a surprise -- I know that you submitted your "beingness" to God to use many years ago and continue to do so -- you are a vessel of uncompromising faith, glory, giving and love. Thank you for your contributions and willingness.

Get that arm fixed -- I am joining our other family in sending you the energy and strength to do so -- you have more work to do.

Luv ya,

b

[bahiyya]

Family -

Thank you for your continuous kind words and support. I constantly receive your energy, concern, prayers and love --

I'm working on school projects, working with my girls and making some life changing decisions -- but it is all good all the time. I believe I will be selling my home and moving back home to California. I'm looking at the nortern sectors -- Santa Rosa even San Marino. My ability to work in Georgia and make the living I deserve has not been as fruitful as hoped and I think that sometimes just going home heals and lifts us. Don't you all agree?

Anyway, over the next few weeks I am continuing to meditate, fast and pray knowing that God always directs us according to His good and Perfect Will if we are open to receive. I am open to receive.

Please continue to hold me in your consciousness as I hold each of you -- I send you all love, strength, peace and blessings -- knowing that your path is straight and your consciousness full and complete.

I love each one of you and collectively love you all -- we'll talk soon.

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, there is something soothing in the word "home." Don't hold me to much on this, because I'm no expert here. For me to "go" is for me to stay home. My goal is to make home the happy place of sweet memories for all my children. But, home is where support, strength, and love are. No matter where you are, we're always that almost a family right here, where we can share happy moments and sad. Hope you have a fun week with your little ones. May you always find the peaceful blessing you deserve.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, Laura, you know me all too well. No, I'm not going anywhere. I feel bad if I have to mow the lawn, just knowing that I'll have to be away from her for a little while. The moments of stress and exhaustion are what they are: just moments. This is where I'm so blessed with my children. My daughter and I talk at least once a day on the phone. My sons like to take me out for something special, like golf, fishing, test driving new Vettes, ya know, guy stuff. hehehe. I'm sorry I made you cry (again). You're too dear a friend for me to make you cry so much. Guess I gotta see about changing this into happies for you. May you have a restful night, and a peaceful day tomorrow.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, thank you for priceless wisdom. I keep a file of the things written here that have impacted me the most. What you wrote is going into that file. During our last adventure with treatments for her illness, last October, I read a book while she was in hospital titled "God Knows You're Grieving". It may not be for everyone, but it helped me through that time. Before then, I knew I was grieving, but not to what extent. At times this grief is deep as an ocean. What keeps me going is my friends and my faith. I don't usually have too many friends, but here, I have many. I know God will see me through this path of sorrow, but maybe I won't see how with each step. We face this issue from such different places, yet I value what you say, and hold you as a dear friend. All I think I can ask is, do you have ideas on getting this message through to her? She's had a few strokes, so sometimes she can't understand things all that well. Other times, she's able to think and reason very well. My prayers are with you while you get your hand fixed. PJs? At least you won't be dressed like the doctors. hehehe. You're their equal in many ways, from your knowledge of illnesses to your ability to relate to those who suffer. Try to behave, okay. They may give you chopped liver with onions three times a day. (I'm being silly). We're praying for you. Hope your hand is better soon.

[eyecare]

hello,

I am new here, and I am not actually dying. Someone close to me is dying though and it makes me sad to know that one day not too far from now I will lose them. What frustrates me most is that she has a disability and has lots of difficulty communicating her emotions to me and even understanding what is happening to her. I feel for all of you, thankyou for making me understand what it is like from your perspective.

C

[lauraa]

Mark, Those were happy tears just to have your support....don't worry! I hoped I help to support you and everyone else thru all your tough stuff. I know you aren't going anywhere........B, Good luck and keep the faith.....Marilyn, You are a tower of faith and strength....thank you.......

[bahiyya]

Eyecare

Welcome to this site -- you will find exactly what you need here -- love, comfort, support and no judgment.

Bahiyya

[bahiyya]

Laura

Thank you for your support.

b

[bahiyya]

Mark

I'm so glad we are friends -- your support means a lot -- you get it "home" is everything.

Thanks,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Family: The palliative unit is full. My nurse said Dr. Gast will make decision. I ususally see her after treatment on Monday. Maybe I can go to the surgeons office. Last time he did the procedure in my room. I am willing to do whatever it takes to relieve the pain. The sensation of hitting my funny bone has ceased to be funny.

Know that I love and support you. Sometimes, I feel as if we are sitting around a campfire sharing ourselves, what we're learned, and unlearned, and just tidbits of knowledge to help us on down the road to destiny. Do you ever feel that way?

Love and Peace

[alwaysmyjennifer]

eyecare, I am sorry you are losing someone so close to you. The issue of communication in the body and soul of a disabled person is always one of frustration, for the one hearing and the disabled person trying to say something important. Is there a way for her to type on a computer, even if by using a "keystick" to press the keys? A keystick is just an object we can hold that may enable us to hit the right key on the puter. I'm a "functioning" quad, so I know about a few of these things. We're always here to listen to you, and to help you as much as we can. Please feel our welcome to this website, a place for all of us to share our pain and grief. This truly is "our place."

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, this is a good thing, seeing happy tears. But, here am I, drying your tears. Awwww, what's a friend for? My prayer is for you to enjoy a very pleasant week. Tomorrow is our "big" day, when care management comes in and dictates their rendition of what I want happening. I only want more time for my sweetie's personal care, so someone else can watch her for those hours when I "need" sleep. It's beginning to appear like the powers that be don't want me sleeping. tee hee. I'll let ya know how this all plays out. It's such good weather, perhaps you can plan a picnic with your children this weekend. We're thinking of a father son outing on the lake. You're always in my prayers. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, oooo, a campfire. With marshmallows, right? Just picture me there with my guitar (my ever present "companion"). Many prayers for you right now. I understand the "funny bone" thing. Please take good care of yourself. You don't want us all getting worried (more) about you. May the doctor be able to successfully treat the pain so you no longer have it. Have a good night tonight, and a great day tomorrow. Talk later, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark....I hope and praying you get more care for Mary so that you can sleep....and time at the lake with the boys sounds great. You can imagine all of us there with you at your campfire making somemores! And. listening to you play your guitar. If you could what song would you play for all of us? Praying for you all to get what you need..............

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, now this is sounding like a good day at the beach. A boat, a campfire, and some (I don't know what band) songs. Now, you'll have to cook those goodies. My cooking leaves a lot! to be desired. hehehe. Today is my good news day. First, my blood pressure is back to normal. My doctor is happy. Care management found a day nursing home, so my sweetie can be there while I sleep for about six hours, then come home and be a real family too. Can this get any better? Well, it could if we could just find a cure for the dystrophy. Now, I'll let you into my more guarded emotions. Jenni died on May 22. I pray it's true that our emotions are worse beforehand, and not as intense on the day. She'll be 32 this year. She's sooooooo beautiful! Had to take a break for my tears. I'll be here later on, and talk with you more. I'm sorry my friend, but I think it's time to cry a while. I'm always praying for you and your precious children.

[lauraa]

Mark....I am crying with you. My husband "passed" on May 16th and the tears have been forever flowing for the entire 2 years and so abundent these past few months. Our 16 year old has a baseball game on that day and I have to be there but don't know how I am going to get thru it in one piece. My husband always coached our boys teams in baseball and basketball so it is always unsettling to watch even though I am so proud of him. God, I pray for us all to have the energy we need to endure this journey here on earth. I need to accept that he takes those for the better and that we need to work for our purpose while we are here. I hope everyone here will find peace today. Bless you all.

Mark, What song would you play on your guitar for all of us?

[clittlelady]

Hi Guys...my Friends. Love to you all... Eyecare... My heart hurts for you. I am not dying, but I have provided long term care to a precious Mother I lost eight months ago. I watched her suffer and go through so many changes before her death. Even though I post on the loss of Mother forum from time to time, this feels like "home" to me. There are many precious souls here with much knowledge and heart. I find much strength in them all, Mark, Marilyn, B, Laura. There is just something that keeps me here.

I don't really feel like posting much... just got back from another funeral. My cousin's husband died of a heart attack day before yesterday, at the age of 57. Fun loving guy... Special person.

Got to quit the tears.

Love you all.

Connie.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I'm sorry this month is the one for you too. I'm praying for you. I'll be here if you just need to call and cry, or scream, or talk. I'd even try to arrange my wife's care and sit with you during the ballgame. If you need someone to lean on, I'll do what I can to be there. These special days can really hurt. There's one song that I'm constantly playing now. The Oak Ridge Boys, Close Enough To Perfect. (please excuse my tears just mentioning it). We've been through so much in two decades, both good and bad, but I don't mind the little things. She really is close enough to perfect for me. When we first met, we both still drank some, and I always giggle at the line in that song, "drinking puts her out just like a light". Take good care of yourself. Anytime you need, my friend, there's a shoulder here for catching your tears.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I am so sorry hearing of your loss. May God send His angels to comfort you and your cousin. Please take gentle care of yourself now. My prayers are with you through the sorrow and pain. Always here for you, my Christian sister. luv and hugs, Msrk

[lauraa]

Connie,

So so sorry for your loss. This is a special board to post on. Everyone speaks from the heart and there is a debth to everyone. I am also so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Yesterday was one of the lowliest days for me. I set my mind to organize and clean house and I was just all over the place but ended up sitting on the floor of my bedroom going through a huge baskets of cards and letters from my husbands funeral....I feel that I have been brought down to the lowest place and completely humbled. I will ask again....where do all the tears come from? I am putting all the cards in a special hat box I found so that they can always be accessible and perhaps down the road our kids will be able to read them. What a wonderful man....the world is a lesser place without him in it but I see him in all three of our kids.....I find myself holding my breathe alot! Thank you for sharing with us all here.

Mark, you are so special to offer to do that for me. I just feel the emotions mounting up and I am completely overwhelmed. Guess it is all part of this grieving process. Yesterday I had it out with god and then later went thru cards (I will finish today). I am told god has broad shoulders for this. I screamed, yelled and cried but I didn't swear so I guess that is o.k. I am so glad you are getting the extra care for Mary and you can rest...cherish each and every moment you have. Thank you for all your support and care. People go away but I can always count on you and others here to give support and love. I am worn out but have to press on for my kids and my husband would want that. I am emotional also because there is an award in my husbands name this weekend and will not be attending....just adds to all the other stuff.

B, thinking of you and your spiritualism.

Marilyn, I am praying for you and hoping your pain subsides and your spirit

soars.

You are all in my heart and prayers.

[bahiyya]

Family --

Sorry for the losses, comforting you all in your tears and grieving process. Connie, so sorry to hear about your cousin's husband -- please give my best, my comfort and love to your family.

Laura and Mark sad memories for May -- after the tears I will share some of the things I've done to restructure those memories -- but let's let the tears come forth now. Crying is good therapy -- really it is --

Beloved Little Sister Marilyn -- relieve that pain -- "by whatever means necessary" -- I am praying for your relief NOW -- you are comforted and surrounded by loving family -- we are there for you.

Family keep me in your prayers -- I'm working through my own emotional inconsistencies knowing that God is the answer to all questions.

I love you all --

b

[clittlelady]

Hi Everybody.

I wish the hurt was less for all my friends here. The special days and months wouldn't hurt so. Laura, I'm not sure I can place a definitive answer on your question, but here is my attempt. Where does the tears come from? I don't think the tears we shed are emotional, not all of them anyway. I think they're spiritual. The welling up from the bottom of our soul to overflowings into the physical, like an uncontrollable fountain..... All that love, all that specialness, all that time invested into someone, all the unique bonding that is really undefineable. I love the Keith Whitley song, which was also re-recorded by Allison Kraus, "You Say it Best, When You Say Nothing At All" "Old Mister Webster could never define, what's being said between your heart and mine." There's a smile on your face, saying you'll never leave me, a truth in your eye saying you'll always need me, a touch of your hand says you'll catch me if every I fall, You Say it Best, When you say nothing at all. It's THAT bond and that much love that surges those tears from the great depths of your soul. It's a compliment to what you shared. I cannot imagine the bittersweetness of it all, I've never been where you are.

My cousin's husband had been working in his yard and his sister dropped by. They went to town for a bite of lunch and returned to his home. He got out of his truck and was talking to his sister and suddenly, he was gone, heart attack. She tried to resuscitate him, but he was gone. He was the same age as my husband. My husband had to work and couldn't attend the funeral with me. When he came home, I sat and cried in his arms. I told him that I knew that one day, he or I would have the same pain as my cousin is experiencing tonight, the same pain you are living with and several of my other friends.

It seems that with all the death that has been around me, my family and friends, just within this last year, I'm beginning to feel a little off balance in the way I'm constantly reminding everyone around me that today is so important and how life has laid out so many distractions for us which robs of us of what's real and what counts in the end. Even at work, when someone gets a little sideways with the job or a coworker, I just remind them that tomorrow, none of this may matter any way, not to let it cause us to waste our energies on irrelevant things. The fragility of life is so ever present with me now.

I am so sorry for what your heart has suffered. Saving the cards is a wonderful idea. Your children will know how wonderful their father was and how special what you shared was and is. Remember that our Love doesn't end with the grave.

Mark, you amaze me. All that you've survived, all that you've overcome, all that you continue to overcome, you amaze me. You are a living testimony of strength and faith and devotion.

Marilyn, my friend... You inspire me, not just yesterday and today, but should I be here tomorrow, tomorrow you will be inspiration to me. I wish I could take the pain from you. I remember how when Jesus was made to carry his cross to calvary, how Simon helped him carry the heavy cross. This I would do for you my Sister, if I could.

B. Meeting you has enriched my heart. Your words of wisdom and encouragement, not only to myself, but to everyone here are so prescribed by someone greater than all of us. Thank you for being who you are.

I keep you all lifted up in my prayers as a very precious family. Love to you all this night.

Connie.

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Family: After reading the posts, there is much I wish to say. My arm is better. I know you are praying.

Typing is still difficult, just know that I am sending good energy to all. God's will is always right, I tell myself, but why would not being able to type be good. Guess I want to whine.

Love and Peace

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Good to hear from you, even if it's only one sentence. Remember we Love you and you are going to be fine, no matter what. I will check back in later. Hope today is a good one for you. Until Later....

Your Sis, Connie.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, God wants you to tell Him how you feel, even if it means getting a little upset and tense about it. If you're angry, He cares and wants to know how you feel, why, and even what you think He can do to help. There's always room on God's shoulder for our tears. I've been there with a lot of them lately. Thursday, I went meltdown. Feeling so helpless against this disease gives me a lot of spiritual pain. Although nothing can change this, I'm like so many here, those of us who know who we want to see first when we arrive in Heaven. I know this sounds silly, but I already miss her, while she's still here. I don't feel all that special just for offering to do something nice to help my friend, but you're so very welcome. Anytime you need or want help, I'll do all I possibly can for you. My prayers are with you, my dear friend. I hope you get to enjoy a perfect weekend with your children. Talk soon. hug for my friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I'm sorry for your loss, and also your cousin. I keep you all in my prayers, for the peace and comfort you need. Although your husband couldn't be with you for the funeral, you knew he'd stay close by your side afterward. I hope you don't think I'm all that amazing. It's been less about me making it through all this, and more about our Lord keeping me intact through it all. When someone goes through this much, people sometimes wonder if so much can happen to just one person, but it truly does. Saying "it" best. When two people have been together for a long time, they can often tell what the other is thinking without one spoken word. God knows our hearts, and all our thoughts and feelings. Our act of telling Him how we feel, or how upset we are, is in part the beginning of our healing and growth. Tears say so very much. A smile even more. Thank you, my Christian sister, for praying and being here for me. My prayers for you will continue. I hope He gives you a good Sunday, some extra rest, and lots of time with your husband. luvz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, if I could only type how sweet it is to read your post. I have been praying for you about your arm pain. Likewise, I'm happy readin just a few words, as long as we can all hear from you (we all think the world of you - it's really more, but we're stuck with the english expression). I've had a long week, with lots of crying. At points along this journey of my wife's illness, I've come to places of realizing that I'm powerless over the situation. This isn't a place I can easily tolerate being. My desire is to see her healed and healthy. When it all comes crashing in, my headaches get worse, along with my stress, until I finally cry myself out and let God worry about it. It's better to let Him worry about such things so far beyond our control. I think I learned a part of that lesson from a dear friend. . . you. Hope the rest of this weekend is restful and sweet for you. I'll talk more with you tomorrow night. luvz, me

[bahiyya]

Family --

I am conducting a meditation class later this afternoon. I want each of you to know that I will hold you all in that ceremony today. I will surround you with light and energy, healing, understanding and acceptance.

I am recognizing a lot of pain from my friends and family as we all transition to another level of universal light and understanding. Sometimes the journey seems to be a bit of a challenge, but we all know the return is much greater than the investment.

I love you all -- I absorb your love for me daily -- thank you.

Close your eyes with me and imagine -- just for a moment -- no pain, no discomfort, no distress, no dis-ease -- only peace, tranquility, warmth and love. That's the place where you reside in my heart.

b

[clittlelady]

MARK:

Sorry the times are rough and heartbreaking. I think the amazing part about YOU is that YOU have a free will that God has graciously given us all and that through the darkest moments, you choose to keep his will in your heart. Not everyone does this.

You're in my prayers. God Bless. Will pop back in later.

B: Surely do remember me, us. Thanks.

Love to you all.

Connie

[lauraa]

b,

Thank you! I will close my eyes and imagine....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, thank you. Are you the reason I had such a pleasant afternoon? You're such a dear friend. Thanks.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I think God wants me to get this message. My wife's uncle stayed with us over the weekend, and he said almost exactly the same thing you did. My whole distress lately is more fear than sorrow. It's like I feel I'm giving in to the disease by letting her go into a skilled nursing facility, even just for days, so I can sleep. I feel so negligent of her needs. She's my wife, and my responsibility, not grudgingly, but out of all my love. I also don't really like May, which is when I lost Jenni, at 21. We still don't have her body so we can let her rest in our family place in the cemetery. I sound greedy and selfish, I know. I'm her father, and I want her with me. But, my friend, my Christian sister, thank you for telling me what I need to hear. It's more than losing my wife and daughter, more than my own little fear, but about faith. Knowing you is a blessing. praying for you both, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Laura, I hope you're doing okay. I keep a special prayer just for you. As for us, we're going to try a quiet Monday. Too much company all weekend, and now we're tired. It's good to share a little time with the ones we love. I hope you have a very good week. Take care of yourself, okay. Thanks for being here, and for being such a help to so many.

[lauraa]

Mark,

I know how you are feeling about Mary going out for care....it's feels like loosing control of things...I know. I also know the exhaustion. Just make it perfectly clear to everyone what you expect, want and need to make this all work. You keep the control and you still can get the rest you need. A special friend of mine still tells me that I will never catch up on the rest I lost....and when I do sleep in or get alittle extra now she has to remind me that it is o.k. I think for me the lonliest time is when I feel angry at god for all that has happened. The lonliness can eat a hole right through me. I am on that path of trying to heal my heart and love this life again. My children are the ones keeping me fueled. I still lay in bed at night and ache and pray my loved ones are in heaven and at total peace. I have to put the brakes on and meditate like b says.....we have to quiet our minds and then we will find our answers......I hope your day along with Everyone else here is a beautiful one with hopes of calmness, peace and lots and lots of love around you. I told my husband constantly when he was afraid or fearful to "stay in the white light" and I think it helped him and me to get thru our roughest times and there were many. When we get right down to it I think we have to go inward and find that place within ourselves that needs to be nurtured and healed. Our "soulmates" are always there with us no matter what and no matter where they are. That for sure is a constant and you can bet on that. Illness can sometimes mask things and cause us to question but go into your heart and soul and the answers are always there my friend. Try not to feel quilty as I know it is easy to do because we want so much to take care of it "all", but we are only human.....I look back and can easily feel guilty over "anything" but I can honestly say I did "everything" in my power to love and support my husband throughout his illness...and, I know if he could tell me now, he would say thank you to me (which he did) over and over again and if I did do something just out of sheer exhaustion he would feel bad for putting us through it. In the end when he was in the ICU, his primary care dr. came in and asked what he could do for us and my husband said,"help my wife".....that was the kind of man he was all the way to his last breathe.....that is the kind of love you and Mary have and I know it and can sense it......god is with you both and he loves you. I sat the other night and read cards from his funeral and sobbed like a baby....someone wrote, god picked a flower when he took your husband......You are with wonderful people who love and care about you....and you are very strong my friend....Sleep!

Marilyn,

I hope your arm is getting better and you are getting the beautiful rest you need. I hope your dreams are sweet and I hope you are staying in the "white light"......one of mine and my husbands favorite scripture was and still is Matthew 7:13.....

Bless you all today and your all in my heart!

[marilynwhite3049]

Fellow Travelers, how good it is to see the board has been a hot spot. I love all the posts. Even the sad ones, because the sad ones tell me there is a way around the sadness. A way that will make me a more powerful spiritual being if I can listen and absorb what you are really saying.

Does anyone else ever wonder "What are they really telling me?" Maybe I am in the late stages of disease and paranio, questioning, looking for ulterior motives, maybe it is part of the disease.

I have 6 more radiations and will be done with groin. I tell you, for pain control, it's magic. But it saps my energy. As soon as it gets dark, I put my pajamas on. I set on the couch nodding in case someone stops by, I won't look like I've called it a day.

I am praying for our circle, I feel united we are strong. Meditation is where it is for me. The thing about deciding in the morning what kind of day you want to have to true.

Love and Peace

[lauraa]

Marilyn.....I am so glad the treatment helps with your pain control. There is no sense to even have to have any pain at all....You are so brave and strong! I truely gain strength from reading your kind words. One thing that has helped me at tiimes thru my grieving is to really acknowledge the fact that all any of us really have is TODAY....Bless you dear woman and rest your heart...god is holding you in his hands....have a wonderful sleep and I will say prayers for you......Nitey!

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

I would like to respond to your question, "what are they [sad stories] really telling me" -- you know I always love an intrigue.

First, let me say you are the final authority over your feelings and thoughts, but I would like to share some of my thoughts on the subject.

I believe the "sad stories" are actually stories of victory. The "how I got through" stories, the faith walk stories, there is another and better side stories. I say this because as you mentioned, they encourage and allow us to see the realness about our neighbors, friends and loved ones. We are encouraged by stories that say "even if death claimed my loved one" -- we still are connected because love never dies. We are encouraged because this is the real truth. I believe there is no way "around" certain experiences, but I truly believe there is a way "through". Just going through the pain, the lesson, the experience, the . . . This is the strength that we have that we reserved for just this time.

I am praying for and with you Royal Baby Sister. I love you and I see you surrounded in the healing and loving light of God. All is well --

Luv ya,

b

[bahiyya]

Family --

You all have probably heard this before, but I want to share it again. Fear is

F-alse

E-vidence

A-ppearing

R-eal

Fear is only the appearance of reality -- the illusion. Any thought born out of fear is "nothing" trying to become "something". The reality is that "there is no spot where God is not" and God is the final authority of EVERYTHING.

I share these things not just for my family here, but to remind myself as well -- as we travel through this journey and are faced with uncertainties, pain, disappointment often we slip into the illusion of the Matrix. We momentarily believe what the eye sees -- we take a spiritual break from reality. But, when we awaken from the illusionary crisis we realize that it was just a dream and that LIFE continues and WE continue for ever and ever. We realize there is no separation between ourselves and God and there is no separation of love. We realize that we don't have to "see" something or someone to know that they are there with us all the time. We realize that the blessing of love is something not everyone allows themselves to experience, but we got it.

Laura, Connie, Mark, Marilyn -- I am holding you, my family, although unseen from my physical eye, but abundantly present in the spirit of God -- I am holding you in high consciousness today knowing the truth about you, the truth that God determined -- that is -- you are whole, perfect and complete.

I love each of you -- and I receive and accept your love for me.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Fellow Travelers: Today has been a different type of day. First, I did not hear my alarm, it rang for an hour and a half!! Then, I had this breathing attack, the worst I have ever had. I called my nurse, it was me or the aide and I prefer to do it for myself, thank you. Anyway, no medical person would say it but I have entered in to the peractive stage of dying, I believe.

First, the swelling. Second, the breathing. Third, I've wanted to isolate lately. I don't know if I should be glad or sad. I worry for my family but remember, I was prepared last September when the Merck Manual predicted.

Arm is hurting. Love and Peace.

thank you for your prayer and kind words. you have been a daily blessing listed on mty gratitude list every day.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, it's okay to just let the alarm ring away. Please get the rest you need. Take care of yourself, please, no matter how the process may develop within you. It's okay to worry for your family, sweet friend. My wife gets worried about things, mostly about me succeeding as a father with our children. I'm in good hands, and I'm staying close to our Lord. I'm also blessed to be very close to her mom and dad. I tend to feel a little insecure within myself lately, not knowing what the road holds in store for us around the next bend. Take good care of your arm. If you need anything, we are all here to help you. Luv you like a sister, with hugs.