I Am Dying...

[clittlelady]

Hi to ALL My Friends:

I'm sorry I've been amiss. Rest assured, you've all been in my thoughts and prayers. I've missed not visiting with this very special group of loved ones. I hope this day finds you all well and hanging in there. I've been in a spiritual battle and lately emotions have overcome me. Missing my Mother soooo Much. Spring was Our time of the year. Everything reminds of her. All the beauty she appreciated and taught me to appreciate. The sweet fragrance of hyacinths, all the azaelas in bloom, the dogwoods. My husband's job situation has went from bad to extremely serious... seems a major life change is in our near future. I guess after all, that's what life is all about, changing. Nothing ever stays the same. It's just a part of the journey and I keep reminding myself of that. He's a good man. Such a dedicated husband. I want so much to lighten his load. I've always told my nieces (adults) and friends, that when dating someone, looking for that "Mr. Right" the one thing you want to think about while developing your relationship, "Is this the man I would want to care for me, If I couldn't care for myself?" "Is this the man I would go to the ends of the world to take care of him, whatever happens in our future? He's THE one. He's been such a rock for me. My hero. My protector. The one who always believes in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. The one who tells me "Everything will be alright." He has just been diagnosed with glaucoma... looks like it's been caught early. He has a brother who is blind, and I'm not exactly what the reasons. As we all have come to know, life can change in the blink of an eye. I still hold firm that there is a reason for everything. A season for everything. I guess in all our trials, what determines what our successions and our strengths, is how we respond to what we're handed. You deal with and hope for the best or let it consume you and wilt. I refuse to wilt. Absolutely refuse.

I have the utmost respect for you MARK, MARILYN and MARYANN. I know the course your lives has taken is not what you had planned. It seems to me that our plans for our life are pretty redundant. I guess it's when we lay ourself open and let God take it all, that's when it makes a little more sense. His comforter sends us our peace and the strength we need to weather the storms along the journey.

MARILYN: I certainly appreciate your prayers and yes, it is his will I seek as well... that's the only way we should pray, however sometimes flesh asks for it's own desires. That's when some believe their prayers go unanswered. The reality is, there are no unanswered prayers. The answer is not always what you want it to be and the answer is not always right now, but God does answer. I was listening to an Alan Jackson CD this morning on the way to work, A Gospel CD... My Mother's favorite song played "I'll Fly Away". In all the adversity and trials, it's important to remember our ultimate goal, our eternity, our soul's destination. In this whole journey, I look foward to the trip, flying away to Glory. Have you had a chance to hear the Brad Paisley song yet? "When I get to Where I'm Going"? If not, I've got to get the words to you. Absolutely uplifting and sends rejoicing through my being.

MARK: My Brother.. How are you feeling today? Heart ticking on time? Is your wife able to communicate with you still? I hope she's in no pain. Do you have a support system there? Friends? Family? Sorry for all the interrogation... been in court long hours, trials, guess it's rubbing off, the inquisitive side. Just hope you feel the prayers and love being sent your way, the cyber hugs. More than that I hope you Feel God's loving arms around you and hear his voice telling you "Son, with you I'm well pleased, I've not forgotten You." Your Love and dedication and compassion are what he intended us to be, but so many have hardened their hearts and missed his intentions. Let him be Your Rock.

MARYANN:

I hope today finds you stronger. Sorry you've been in the hospital. Mother hated the oxygen. And I came to hate the sound of the oxygen machine. It was very unnerving to me. She was very noncompliant, didn't want it on. Had to bribe her to get her to put it back on. She would take it off and point up and say "ready". It was hard for me to beg her to wear it, but I did and she did. Moving is a pain, in the best of circumstances. I hope you had plenty help. Let us hear from you when you feel like it. You're in my prayers.

B:

Your Wisdom and encouragement and Spirit are so very valuable, such a breath of fresh air. AGE???? Yard Work?????? Oh yes... Love it... But it does remind of the things that can ache, that you didn't know you owned. I'm accustomed to working in the yard until dark or the mosquitoes try to take me down. It's so therapeutic for me. Feel so close to God when I'm nurturing his creations. Constant reminder of our beauty and life, how quickly it comes and goes and at the same time replenishes the earth to grow something just as beautiful.

TO EVERYONE:

Well I'm NOT going to be a GRANDMA THIS time.... But it sure was a thrilling feeling, just the thought of it, sparked new life in me.... Maybe one day, when the time is right. God's Time. Keep us in your prayers.... Love you All! God Bless

[bahiyya]

Greetings Family --

So glad to check in with every one.

Connie, your last post touched me so deeply -- I felt such a close connection with you, your words, your spirit. I could see your kind face, smiling and embracing each of us -- thank you. Thank you for seeing me as God sees me -- for acknowledging my presence in the world -- thank you for loving so unconditionally.

Well, we will have to live our lives as grandparents through Mark until our time is right. I agree with you Connie, working in the yard and tending to the plants is like participating in life renewing itself -- kinda like having those grandchildren you and I are waiting for. Life renewing itself, regenerating, continuing in the cycle the life, the cycle of love. What a glorious adventure this planet can be. Don't you agree? My best to you and yours.

Mark, I can only imagine that you are the grandpa that creates total fun for your grandson. I can imagine the two of you swapping tells and whispering secrets that only the two of you fully understand. I'm a patient woman, I know my time is coming -- I'll probably be carrying tons of pictures asking folks, "have you seen this one?" I love that you refer to me as "sunshine" what a wonderful compliment -- thank you. Lots of love and comfort to you and your wife (and family) - I trust you get the assistance you need. I know that your wife feels and knows that you are caring for her and making the arrangements for her comfort. I know that the two of you continue to communicate in your own way -- you are "soulmates" and soulmates always communicate without words. Blessings to you.

MaryAnn -- continue to grow in strength -- we will be here when you return.

Dearest Marilyn - thank you for your kind words -- as you probably felt I was a little "blue". Did I ever tell you where that phrase originated -- "feeling blue"? Allow me to share --

Our indigenous natives orginated the practice. When a member of the community was feeling depressed, that individual would alert the others in their community by painting her/his face blue. When others saw the blue face, they knew to be especially empathetic toward that individual and to give comfort and care. When the depression lifted, the individual would paint their face red - indicated they were better. Interesting story, huh?

Anyway, my face was painted royal blue when you sent your email, but today I am proudly wearing a red face! Thanks for your continued love and support.

Be well everyone -- talk with you soon.

Agape,

b

[wonderdocs]

Hello Everyone,

I just got off an amazing call with Kelly, the incredible moderator of this site and board. She has given me permission to post here, and I am doing so now. I am looking for subjects for our documentary series on the personal issues people face at the end of their life. Our aim is to CELEBRATE life, while examining the individual and family dynamics that surround illness, and break the taboos that surround the subject of death. We are looking for people (patients) and their friends and families to speak on camera about their experiences. Our aim is to make an honest, uplifting, reverent show. Will you speak to us?

Warmly,

Danya

email wonderdocs@yahoo.com

phone 323-603-6300 ext. 253

[Kelly]

Hello,

Yes to verify I did give my okay for Danya to post here. I rarely let people post but I believe what she is trying to do is going to help people deal with the hard subject of death and dying. There can be so much healing and transformation at the end of death. However since people aren't socialized on what to say, or do around dying or grieving people much is missed that should be appreciated in the final stages of life.

If anyone has questions feel free to email me at kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: I have been away for a couple of days and missed you terribly. I thought I would make some cash doing surveys online. It is a gimmick. They jammed my mailbox and I have yet to get a point or buck or anything. Anyway, today I began to delete them as they came in.

I guess since I have always worked, the idea of no cash coming in from my labors just isn't comfortable. I must adapt. And I am.

I began radiation on my skull today. They zap you for a long time when it is your skull. I had radiation on my arm and shoulder and if lasted like 5 seconds. Well, today, they zapped each temple for like 20 seconds. Yeah.

I am adjusting to pump. Dr. doubled the ritalin. Told me her nurse practiciner is spineless. She was the one person who could have protected me at the palliative unit. If I could kick high enough, I would kick that girl's butt.

Something good will come of my experience. I am praying and I want to make things better for the next sick person behind me. God is using me, we will make that unit better.

Participating in a project???? You know, I don't know if I could complete the project. I am definitely on the descent. Tell me more. As B knows, I love being a part of life.

I asked God to let me work to the end. Well, he made me sit down. It has been a blessing in many ways but it has been hard. I have had to face some of the worse fears of illness. I'm here so maybe He has more for me to do. No guts, no glory.

Love and Peace. Thanks to everyone for being here. You are my support. Check in later.

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

I'm so glad to see your post. It's wonderful to hear you still have your grit and good for that young lady you weren't up to being a kicker that day, huh?

Was anyone with you when you received your radiation therapy? How many hours a day do you have assistance? I wish I could be there for you. Please know that you are dear to my heart and I appreciate all that you have shared with me and taught me. You are a very special person to me and yes, God will use you for his glory until the end. I continue to encourage you to hang onto this zeal, you're contagious! Your strengths, your compassion, your Love, your Sincerity, your Humbleness that you pass on through even the roughest of times.

I hope that whenever the day should come that your Journey ends in this life and begins in the next one, I hope my Mom and you find each other. She's a special little lady too. It's so hard to believe she's been gone now for seven months. The impact she made in my life will go on as long as I do.

Enjoyed anymore doughnuts lately? You made me cave in and buy some Krispy Creme Doughnuts the other day. I told my husband it was your fault, but honey, I sure enjoyed a couple. It has been years since I've had a doughnut. My aunt, who lives further down south, in Houma, Louisiana, she use to make homemade doughnuts for my cousins and I when we were little. They were the best. I tried to make some when I was in my twenties and they turned out like Ellie Mae Clampit's, so I haven't tried to attempt that again. (smiling)

I'll catch you later. God Bless for now

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, please try to behave. Kicking someone in the "6" may sound like a good idea, and some people need it, but we don't want you on the evening news for assaulting the medical staff. You said God made you sit, but I think you're still on the dance floor. I'm thankful you are, and for all you've taught me along the way. You've made a lasting impression on me, and the way I deal with my wife's illness. It's tough facing a slow progressing illness like hers, and I've gotten depressed over "why her". Thank you for the way you showed me a little of myself, and a way to see this with more hope, toleration, and even acceptance. I may be fumbling for the right way to say this, but thanks beyond all the words and ways I can say it. I'm always praying for you, my friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, pain is our constant "friend", and the meds no longer control it. Support is okay, but I'm negotiating more aid care hours this afternoon. I need someone to watch her while I sleep, otherwise, she gets into all kinds of mischief. Okay, I read the doughnut thing, and have to tell you that while I was sleeping for three days, we lost our internet service when a doughnut bakery in the city burned to the ground. Bummer. Keep your hubbie well. This is a treatable condition, and he can keep working for a long time yet. I'm praying for you both, my sis.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, if only you knew how mischievous this little old grandpa can be. hehehe. Okay, I'm not all that old, but still, I can get the little guy into all kinds of trouble. But, you do know that kids these days are a source of mischief in and of themselves. He's something. Ya know those bumper stickers, "let me tell you about my grandkids"? In a little while, we'll need to get you one. I may not have one, but I doubt that five people in this city don't know I'm a grandfather. See how bad we get? hehehe. Soulmate, though, is the perfect way of stating what has now been two decades of marriage. Yes, we can talk without words. We know sign language, since she's also deaf. We have a lot of fun when someone doesn't know sign, like our aid. She wonders what we're talking about, and it's a flurry of hand motions. Sorry, but boys are boys, and must make everything some sort of fun. I know this isn't what you meant by talking without words, and we have our ways of communicating. It's like our souls are talking, or more closely, thinking as a single entity. Love is fascinating, isn't it? Have a great day, my friend.

[marilynwhite3049]

I am glad to see you have been here. Being sick feels so lonely, even when people are around sometimes. You have helped me through the lonliness.

A book was recommended for me. The name of it is "90 minutes in Heaven." Well, y'all know I have decided that it is okay if there isn't a hereafter. The last seventeen years of my life have been lived in heaven from time to time. Addiction carried me through hell for 18 years. Either choice does not daunt me.

The book was written by a Baptist preacher, I hope I am not stepping on toes, I grew up Baptist. The book reaffirms the ideas and dogma I heard as a child. It is a good book but a book for someone who is looking for answers about heaven. I don't feel any questions? Maybe my mind is scrambled from the two treatments.

I have slept a lot these past two days. When I am awake, I am not totally awake or alert. I feel the fatique so much quicker and more intense than earlier radiation experiences. I wonder if this is to be expected.

The blood and muscle group have really reached out big time. One of the women came and told me her prognosis. It surprised me because she had never mentioned it at group. She said she let me down by not discussing the real issues when I tried to bring them up. But, there are a couple of women and even our facilitator, who were uncomfortable anytime the conversation became too serious.

Also, another member has reoccurring lung cancer and a lesion on her brain. This woman called today and left a voicemail. Should I return her call? I want to be of service but I do not want to intrude.

Also cooking, instructions for future palliative unit patients. A form to document medicine regime, speaking with the unit director, I have things to do but very little energy to accomplish anything.

I love each and every one of you. Typing is uncomfortable due to tumors. Headache is little better. Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

Although I was the last visitor, I still want to post. Today has been a better day for me. Yesterday, I had nausea. Throughout my illness, I have been blessed by very little nausea.

Once a client asked, "if chemo made you nauseated are you saying you would not smoke marijuana?" I told him that I had been blessed because I had not been faced with that dilemma. Honestly, I don't know if I would smoke it or not, so far, queasy drops, something over the counter is working. So another day, I don't have to decide if I need marijuana. Another blessing.

Connie, my prayers are with you on the job situation. It is unsettling to our very basic needs to be confronted with this situation. It must seem unfair. He has been a good employee, dependable, etc. Why should this come from left field? Have you ask yourself that question? I don't know, but I do know that I grew from the adversity of being hurt at work and almost losing my house, car, etc. Most days I operated on faith. Looking back, it was a tough time. I experienced anxiety or panic attacks, my prayers are with you.

Mark, I hope you get extra aide hours. I dread the weekends because mine doesn't come saturday or sunday. gotta go.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm so happy that some simple meds keep the nausea under control. My personal fear of addiction, from where I was in it, gives me mixed feelings about using any kind of narcotic or alcohol. I hope you feel comfortable talking about the more serious issues of the illness. Living with my wife's illness has given me the good grace to listen when she or anyone else wants to talk serious about things. For some people, I can tell there's a fear or misconception about dealing with a critical or terminal illness. They can get pretty uncomfortable, so duck the topic. If you want to talk in depth, we're here to listen because we care about you. I had the chat with care management, and we're now investigating a home based nursing home service. This will give her more care at home, and will be less expensive on the insurance than inpatient care at a nursing home. As long as I can get six hours of sleep, I'm content. Please take care of yourself, my friend. We're always here, even though my exhaustion has made me a little quiet this week. I'm usually here daily. If you need to talk, and I'm not in here, feel free to email if you'd like. My address is in those little boxes above my post. I'm praying for you.

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Sabbath: My life has taken changes, good changes, this week. I believe my doctor has my ritalin to a good dose, the swelling has gone down, I can breathe easier, I can think. For so many months we balanced morphine with ritalin so that I could work I did not realize how much of my system relied on the counteracting abilities of it.

The radiation is beginning to burn my hair off in front. Also, they are radiating both temples, not the tumor straight on. I will have a Dr. Phil hair do before this is done. It's okay.

I cut some sprakling black tights up and tied one of the legs. I use it as a headband worn a little low. I look like an old punker or something. Anyway, I look different but I refuse to hide in my apartment because of shame.

On WebMD I read an article about how our culture teaches us self-sufficiency and when we get sick, even though it is out of our control, we feel shame. I refuse to feel it any more.

My arm is killing me. I will post more later. Love and Peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm thrilled to hear that the ritalin is doing its job for you. Being able to breathe easily helps us physically (duh), and emotionally. If we struggle breathing, anxiety can creep in and make trouble too. Please don't hide, even if you look like Dr Phil. You're beautiful even with his funky doo. For years, I wouldn't wear shorts in the summer out of fear that people would stare and laugh at the surgical scars on my legs. Finally, I gave up on worrying about "them". Adults usually say nothing, but children often will look at my all puzzled and wondering, so I tell them the truth, that my surgery was when I was their ages, and helps me keep walking. If the children ask, they want to know, and it's amazing how compassionate a child can be when they know we have to deal with things. Today was good for us, and my wife slept most of it. I wrote on the 24th, then slept through Saturday. How can I be THIS tired? Going month after month on three and four hours of sleep is catching up. Take care, my dear friend. I'm praying for you, and always here to listen, unless I'm sleeping. Sorry for that. Please rest your arm. I'll be here to listen as much as I can be awake. I'm always praying for you.

[clittlelady]

Good Morning to All My Precious Friends Here.

MARILYN:

I hurt for you. My heart hurts for you. I truly would get in my car and drive to where you are, if you need me for the weekends. I know that sounds totally unglued to some, We've never met personally, but I feel our spirits are of a seasoned natured as friends. I don't care if you looked like Shrek, I'm a HUGE Shrek fan! And I love Dr. Phil. I want to do more. I want to give more. You've touched my heart in such a special way and each day, I think of you and where you are. I've been out of town this last weekend. Last week at work was very trying... as this one will be also. It's my last two weeks in the position I'm in and I'm working very hard to get all my loose ends tied up. I take pride in leaving behind a clean slate for the next person who comes in behind me. So far, things are still hanging by a thread with my husband's job, but I do know that it will all work out as it is suppose to. It's just the waiting that gets under my skin. I will be in touch with you later in the day. Love and Prayers to you.

MARK:

My Friend.... Wish you more Comfort and Peace of mind, body and spirit. I know God's strength is what propels you. Love to you this day.

Connie

[bahiyya]

Greetings family

Marilyn -- last week in my social psychology class we talked about schemas and heuristics. During the discussion of course the application of stereotypes emerged. Yes, I am getting to a point . While reading your last few posts I experienced several different emotions I want to discuss with you and our family.

First, I agree totally with Mark -- you are not "sitting" my dear sister, you are still very much active, dancing, stepping and seeking your way through this time. There is nothing stagnated about your thoughts and/or actions. You are a vibrate and wonderful person and it comes through in every thing you say and do. Don't get caught up in the way things use to be -- we are all evolving everyday and when we can't accomplish things in one way, as inventors, we create another way of expressing. Remember that! You are constantly envolving. OK enough preaching from your big sister.

Also, I like the new look -- love the visual you provided. When we talked about heuristics in class I laughed out loud because if you were to see me I don't look anything like what society would dictate as a "doctoral student". Actually, until I open my mouth I think most folks think I am a throw back to the 60s flower child. My friends call me a "girly-girl" and I love tatoos. Get the picture? I believe the biggest lesson we as humans are to learn here is to not judge folks by the way they look. So strut your stuff my sistah -- and go where you want the way you want! Lovin' it and supporting you each step of the way.

I like the encouragement you gave Mark. I agree, I think folks need to see that perfection lies in the character and the spirit of individuals not in their physical being. Your willingness Mark to share your scars of life will make a difference in the lives of those you touch. You are a great teacher -- thank you.

Connie, hang in there -- I know it's a cliche, but sometimes that's all we have to offer. I'm facing a similiar situation, but I do know that there is a Divine plan for all of us and allowing our greatest to unfold is part of the journey. Agreed?

OK y'all be good -- talk with you later.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings, Fellow Travelers: I love to log on and see that many have been here. Even before I read what is written, I feel an upsurge of optimism (that is probably misspelled but you get my drift).

What carries me through the tough times are your prayers and energies that you send my way. I feel them. Connie, I spent Saturday afternoon with my mom. We had a great day. I know you were sending loving energy, it helped me accept my mom for where she is in her grief process.

I asked her if she was mad at God. She wouldn't admit it. God isn't causing bad things, "Yes, Mom, but He could stop them." She responded with the old adversity prepares us to be the character He needs us to be. Anyway, I accept her and she accepts me. That is a blessing, a great blessing.

Sunday, I had company from 1 PM until after 11:30 PM. I must set better boundaries. But, you know, I am grateful that God sends people to take care of me, how can I say NO?

Saturday evening I went to an AA meeting. Did you know I have hid out in my apartment since I quit working and haven't been to a meeting? You know why? Shame. Yeah, somehow I feel shame because I am no longer self-sufficifient. Logically, I know cancer is out of my control, but I am ashamed of my condition.

My arm is hurting. I will post more later. I can't tell you how important you are. Each of you gives me just what I need at just the right moment. I love you and am glad we are on this journey together. You are on my gratitude list.

[clittlelady]

B:

So good to hear from you. I love all that you had to say to Marilyn. You're right on the mark. It's so important that you're here. You're an intricate part of a larger plan, not only here, but OUT THERE. I've come to believe that people who judge others by their outward appearance are the people who are not comfortable in their own skin. During the years our son was growing up, his early teen years, my husband and I jointly taught a Sunday School Class of kids from thirteen to sixteen. We always opened our doors to kids and adults who didn't measure up to "society's standards" or the "staunch, starched church". I suppose we took a more realistic approach to how teens see things and what they really live through, to reach them on a level not taught in most church curriculums. I've never felt so much love and respect as the class of three grew to over twenty kids who kept bringing their friends, because they knew we were real and taught the truth. I've always refused to become a member of any denomination, because I feel people should live according to God's example and not a man made division. That's just me though. My Mother always told me how pretty she thought I was as a little girl and a young woman, but she equally reminded me that "Baby, beauty is only skin deep and ugly is to the bone." She was careful to make sure and keep it real with me and I appreciated that then and now.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I do agree that the Divine Plan is definitely set it is the Journey we must take. I know that no mater how things turn out, God is with us. We will be okay. It's what's in us that is important and what we do with it, not who has the most "stuff". God has blessed us with a nice home, comfortable and nice vehicles, but they're just "stuff". Mamma didn't take any of her "stuff" with her. I know I won't either.

It's good talking to you.

Hope all is well with you. God Bless You, as you are in my prayers each day.

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Marilyn, my Precious Friend Queenie, I'm so glad you had company this weekend. It's good to hear you and your Mother had your time together. Yes, boundaries are good. People mean well, but they can't realize what energy it takes for you to try and present yourself as best you can, emotionally, to them. After My Mother came out of her coma at the hospital and once I took her home, there were a siege of visitors, people who hadn't seen her or hadn't seemed interested in her lonely days she had spent the last couple of years sitting in her home. I reluctantly had to limit not only the number of visitors, but the time they wanted to spend with her. It was too overwhelming for her and me. I wasn't upset that they had came, just wished they had come to see her, when she sat watching day in and day out for someone to drive up in her driveway. I couldn't help but feel that way, through my own emotions and physical exhaustion my mind jumped in so many directions. I'll never forget how it wore me out physically and broke my heart in two trying to make her comfortable and

making sure all her needs were met in and around guests.

I'm pleasantly surprised to hear you made to an AA meeting, but SHAME? Oh Marilyn, now you're in trouble....SHAME? My dear, sweet friend, shame should not be a burden you place on yourself. You did not request that cancer be your companion. You did not request to be where you are now. Yes, you do need help. The only shame that should be associated with that, is if you refuse or won't accept the help that you know you require now. You're not a taker. You've shared enough of yourself with us here, for us all to know that. You've overcome so many things in your life that so many others have attempted and failed. You've risen up from depths where so many others remain still. You took your life back. You've made a difference. You've been a giver. I don't understand the whys of who gets cancer and who doesn't, who dies in an instant car crash and who doesn't, who burns to death in their home while asleep in their bed and who doesn't, who lives to be 86 and lose all their precious memories they cherished so much and who doesn't. I only know that each of us has a date, a time that we will leave here and there is no shame in that, as long as you know you've done your best and loved with all you had and given of yourself. I know I'm not the judge here, but my spirit feels you've done all of those. I wish the pain and exhaustion you encounter would be lessened. I wish for you a smile on your face and in your heart. I won't you to know that each time I come here, my heart is so truly gladdened to see you again, to hear from you. YOU, continue to give. You're a beautiful soul and deserving of a richer place. I keep you lifted up in prayer, as well as your family. There are better days ahead.

There is a song I sang to my Mother, when I didn't think I could get anything out of my throat because of my tears, however, the melody and the words flowed from my lips to her ears... I want to share the words with you....

When I'm tossed on Life's seas

and the waves cover me

and the dark clouds won't let the sun shine through...

Then a voice seems to say, My Child, they'll be a brighter day....

Don't allow those clouds to hide sweet heaven's view.

Because You've got one more Valley, one more Hill.

One more trial one more tear.

One more curve in Life's road

and maybe just one more Mile to go,

Then you can lay down your heavy load when you get Home.

Don't let Satan see Your Fears,

learn to smile through all your tears,

Hold your head up high and give the Lord a Smile.

Just be Faithful All the Way,

it's gonna be worth it all some day,

For it's all gonna be over in just a while.

But, We've got one more Valley, one more Hill.

One more trial one more tear.

One more curve in Life's road

and maybe just one more Mile to go,

Then we can lay down our heavy load when we get Home.

Then we can lay down our heavy load when we are Home.

............Marilyn, I'm sending my love to you, I'm holding your hand sister.

Talk to you tomorrow, God willing.

Your Friend,

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARK:

Hi Brother, how are you doing this day? You and your sweet wife have been in my prayers. Actually, you've been in my dreams as well. It was actually very precious to my soul. There were no faces, but I knew it was the two of you. She awoke from sleep and sat up, then she stood up and stared down at you and lovingly stroked your forehead. Then she turned around and tip toed out of the room as if to keep from waking you. She tip toed across wooden floors. It was warm and hazy white, like sunlight filtering through a net canopy. I can tell you, it left me with a very good feeling, unlike many of my dreams I've had the last couple of months. Thank you both for stepping into my dreams (smiling).

I'm going to buy roses tomorrow, yellow ones. I told my husband about you two and he is a very tender hearted person. He and I share a special love and his heart hurts for you both, but at the same time, he realizes how rare that kind of love is. The roses are going on our dining room table, to keep you both close to us in thoughts and prayers.

I know you don't have a lot of time or energy these days, but I hope you remember, you've got friends, people who truly care about all that you are living through. I don't know if you have ever heard T.D. Jakes on television or not. I'm not a big fan of watching television evangelists, other than Billy Graham, but T.D. Jakes, he seems very real to me. I caught in on the last part of one of his programs tonight, gosh it was powerful and so encouraging, it kind of recharged my batteries. I'm sending prayers up that you get recharged not only for your wife, but for You, Mark. God Bless you.

I guess it's late and my four legged children are wanting to go out. I have to Patrol the Rottweiler now. He's on my "list". I have to remind myself that he was our fire alarm that saved us. I especially had to remind myself of that fact when I went out and found where he had dug up a 7 ft. Oleander bush and all the dirt out of a flower bed and bearly left three rose bushes standing. I think he has issues. He's never been a digger and now all of a sudden he's the plant Terminator. Just what I need, a pet with psychological problems!

Talk to you Later... Take Care.

Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I'm in a mess of tears. Our home has oak flooring, and we live where the sun comes through the the curtains with a beautiful rose color. Our kitchen windows always fill the room with the noon sun, and give an almost cloudlike hue to the room. Freaky yet? My wife's favorite flower is a yellow rose. There's more. When I had brain surgery in 2000, I saw a "woman like" person standing over me, who told me I was going to be okay, and then kissed my forhead. From that moment, I remember nothing for the next 28 days, except a nurse who read from my Bible daily (on his own time, off the clock). I don't know what this all means tonight, but somehow, I'm filled with a peace from God that I can't begin to explain. No matter what He does for my sweetie, she's going to be okay, and so will I. You two are such precious friends, very dear to my heart. I keep you in prayer always. God will see you both through the present situation, and will bring you through the trials strong and even more in love with each other. Now, what's up with puppy? Have you ever heard of Cesar Millan? He's a dog shrink, and is very good. He has a video available online. His tv show is amazing to watch; the way he treats dogs so effectively, and lovingly. You are the pack leader. Thank you both for making this day one I'll always remember. You're the greatest! May God bless you both. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, you are a gentle wisp of spring breeze through the window of our souls. Before you think I've turned into a prose nerd, I truly mean that. When I read your posts, I always finish much happier and with hope and optimism. Yes, my dear friend, I really get the blues and bitter depression from the things we endure on the homefront. Keep faith, for God has never once let me down. This is the truth. We've always had what we needed for the day, even in the face of an illness trying to take the one person from me whom I've loved more than my own soul. She's more than everything to me. She's me. I'm her. We're one. Okay, corny, but we love each other forever. I told my son I may want to give him our home after his mom dies, so I don't have to be with all the memories after she's gone. Ya know, I think I'm changing, becoming needy of the memories. You've been doing so much research, so I have a question. If you can't find the answer, it's okay. Q. How do we build a relationship with someone new, after our loved one dies, without comparing the new person to our lost loved one, our soulmate? Comparing seems like a negative, so I wonder if you have found anything on this aspect of the grieving process. Hope you have the best of Tuesdays. You're a great friend. "see ya tomorrow night, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, my dear friend, it's perfectly okay, even fantastic that you can go out in public, even if you need someone to assist you. Hooray! I'm happy and proud of you for this accomplishment. Please try to let the feelings of shame go their way, like a tumbleweed. Those little pesky things fumble along into town, snag onto whatever they can, and get in the way. It only takes a kick or a match to get rid of a tumbleweed. I pray you can treat the feelings of shame like that tumbleweed. You are a truly amazing woman, and I'm honored to know you. I am. Even through the fight with the cancer, you have shown me more than courage, even grace, humility and compassion while you fight the disease. This is honor for you. Amazing, yes. A truly great woman? Yes. I hope you can keep going to the meetings, and touching the lives of those dear people who struggle with addictions. Be proud of you, even in the face of this illness. I understand where your mom is coming from. I'll keep her in my prayers. Have a good Tuesday, my friend. I'll see you here tomorrow night.

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: I am late but I had to post before bed. Today has been a full day. I have five treatments down and five to go. My forehead is blistered and my hair is burning off.

I am making progress on the paperwork for my doctor to give patients before they go to the palliative unit at hospital. The unit director came over today, offered suggestions, praised what I had done, and seemed genuinly interested in making things better.

Communication is my solution. With everyone on same page, the patient can win. That is what i am shooting for.

I also want to do the video documentary. Maybe tomorrow I will make the phone call and get an idea of what I will be asked. The fellow who will run the equipment asked my friend to be with him because he is afraid he will cry. One reason why I choose him was that he doesn't know me. I'm surprised that he feels he will cry.

My sister and neice came tody. We had a good visit. I allowed mu sister to take the Lincoln again. She will have the payment come 4/15/06. So, i gave a little early. God gave it to me to drive but now I can't drive. I believe he put these things out here for use to enjoy. I was hoarding the enjoyment of a nice car. I feel better about myself already.

Love and Peace. Know that I send positive energy your way constantly. Death will separate me from you. That makes me sad. So many things I disc0ver so late. But I did get to experience them. God is good.

[clittlelady]

Dearest Marilyn,,,,,, I'm so proud of how you are viewing this part of your Journey. You are making a difference. Yes, death will separate us, as much as it saddens me to agree with you and face the realism of what's happening, but YOU ARE leaving something precious and meaningful behind for many others. I will miss you when you leave, but I feel confident the separation will only be a temporary one and something much more peaceful and joyous lies ahead of us all. I do believe that we're all put in a specific place, at a specific time in our lives, for a reason beyond our comprehension. I believe our friendship and communication were meant to be. I pray for strength for you, for God's presence to cover you from your head to your toes. I can feel the love you have in your heart for your family and it was a good thing to let your sister have the car now. Those are memories she will carry with her, more special because you did bequeath it to her now.

The Documentary brings tears to my eyes. You're really something Marilyn. I I can't express how much admiration I have for you and what a blessing you are to me. I'll be thinking of you today, knowing it is all falling into place as pieces of a puzzle, every little piece is closer to completing a beautiful picture.

You and Your Family remain in my prayers. Love Ya.

Connie

[bahiyya]

Family --

I've read your posts and am most anxious to respond -- please be patient with me

I'm off to an interview this afternoon for DJJ (DeKalb Juvenile Justice) -- keep me in your prayers --

we will talk this evening.

Love you all,

b

[clittlelady]

B:

Good Luck to you! Excited for you! Talk later...

Connie

[Kelly]

Hello all,

This week has been an interesting week for me. Sometimes weeks run in "themes". This week I keep being approached by people who tell me stories about talking to other people about dying, death and grieving. It comes from all angles from personal, to trying to help people by selling products that easy the pain, to how do I reach people who are helping people to Danya who posted looking for a person to follow in a documentary. I have my own thoughts about why people haven't come forward but I want to hear from you if you would take a moment to share either here on the MB or in private to me at kelly@beyondindigo.com. This information won't be given out to the world but will only be shared with my one other staff member. The more I learn what people are experiencing the more I can provide help.

Thank you for your time.

Kelly

[marilynwhite3049]

Hello Family: Another good day for me. Your support is invaluable. To Kelly, i have volunteered for the video documentary. When I was first diagnosised, I ask for God's will and for the strenght and courage to make the diagnosis a positive. To use me as His servant through this. When something comes my way, I think, "Maybe this is God's plan for me." So far, I've met and done some interesting things. And, for the first time in 17 years, people have told me that they have learned from me and are inspired by me. It is kinda like getting a pat on the back from God.

Closer to home, I'm working on the suggestions and revisions the unit director pointed out last night. Communication is the key. I love writing so writing something to prepare future palliative unit patients I deem worthwhile.

I'm six down and four to go on the radiation. Some of my hair has burned off but tomorrow I'm going to the cancer house to be fitted for a wig. I'm taking votes on colors and styles. So far, red, black, dolly parton, signatures of people who love me, and polka dots. Y'all want to vote? My mom and sister are going to help me.

Gotta go. Know I am sending good energy to all because you are sending so much my way. It must ricochet or something. All I have to do is open the board and feel a surge of love.

B: conquer the world. We are all behind you. If it is right, you will land it.

[clittlelady]

MARK:

Hi Friend! I couldn't help but read your post to B regarding building a relationship with someone new after a person losing their soulmate. Of course I haven't personally been there, but I did live through this experience with one of my brothers when he lost his wife. She was a brittle diabetic and developed heart problems. She had survived several heart attacks in the past few years and suddenly it was discovered she had major blockage, but what was worse is that her heart was damaged beyond repair. She was a candidate for a heart transplant and was awaiting a heart. She was hospitalized for three to four weeks before she died. She would CODE and they would bring her back. This occured numerous times until there was no bringing her back. It was very sad indeed. My brother was lost without her. I never realized how she truly was the stronger of the two in their relationship, until she was gone. I had been there with him throughout the hospitalization and saw what a tremendously devastating turn his life was taking. I was concerned that he would never recover even just to a semi functional state. The waiting room for us was shared by one other family. There was another lady in that family going through the same trauma in losing her husband. She was very quiet and there seemed to be turmoil within her family. Her stepsons were not very nice to her, even though she had been married to their father for years. She seemed very alone and we kind of took her under our wing as best we could. She and my brother's daughter and son got kind of close during those weeks, became friends. When my sister in law died, my brother went to stay with his daughter. He went into such a dark depression. We were concerned he would just totally give up. He was fifty eight at the time. They had both served in the army and had been together for 35 years. We kind of lost touch with this lady from the hospital, due to all the confusion that comes with death and arrangements and grief. About six weeks after my sister-in-law was buried, this lady called my niece to check on everyone. She shared that her husband had died the day after my sister-in-law and all that she had been through with her stepsons. My niece offered her a getaway for a weekend and she took her up on the offer. You probably can imagine where this is headed. It was a difficult time for everyone. My niece, grieving the loss of her mother, concerned that her father may not survive this loss and taking in a friend for a few days in the same situation. They all became very good friends, very supportive of each other. This lady went back home after her visit and a little more time went by and she kept phone contact with my niece. Eventually my niece had to go back to work and the phone contact became more between my brother and she. They cried on each other's shoulders many, many times. They understood each other so well and the love they had lost. After several months went by, he asked my opinion of his friendship with her and if he was out of line for being friends with her, if it was disrespecting his wife's memory. All I could tell him was, that He is still here. He didn't die. His life must go on. I didn't see anything wrong with their friendship, it was a long distance one, at that. I told him that if it gave him comfort to talk with her, then that's what he should do. Personally I was elated to see him have any interest in anything. They way he would sit and stare at the walls was frightening. I talked to my niece and nephew about it to see what their feelings were and even through their grief for their Mom, they new they were good for each other, that it was almost as if they had become each other's angel, that only the two of them could truly understand each others loss. The irony of it all is amazing. She bears a striking resemblence to my sister-in-law, of which everyone hated to admit, because we all loved my sister-in-law and knew no one could ever take her place in any form. But still, she was petite and had the same features. Less than a year after my sister-in-law died, my brother and she went on a trip and came back tatooed and married. Well, some of our family was shocked and judgemental and unkind about the situation. But those of us who counted, understood the depth of their grief and the bond they made through their tragedy. Everyone who knew my sister-in-law, knew she would have wanted him to share the rest of his life with someone if possible and not to be alone. She had told my niece just days before she died, "He can't be alone". I believe, from the bottom of my heart, neither would have ever had a relationship again, with any other person. I think they both enjoy the openness and freedom to reminisce of their memories about what each had done in the past with the previous spouse. They have no feelings of jealousy regarding their previous spouses, as someone who had not suffered that loss might tend to have. In fact, they each have all their previous family photos on the walls of their home, as well as their new ones. It's a very special love for both of them. It's truly not something that either of them searched for, planned or wished for. It's something that happened through all the circumstances of loss of someone irreplaceable and their grief for that person.

Life can be complex, but at the same time, so simple. Like I said earlier, I have not been there myself, but I believe in that situation, you just have to let your heart be your guide.

Hope that wasn't to much details Mark.

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Hey Girl.... getting some new hair? I love it! You can be a brunette one day and a blonde the next. I'm getting my hair cut off tomorrow. It's long and I'm donating it to Locks of Love. Okay, I'm just going to wing it here, but go for something regal, worthy of Queenie, Like Lady Di. Or maybe a "Desperate Housewife" hairdo, the lady who plays Bree Van De Camp, red and saucey. I'm glad your Mom and Sis will be with you. I'm anxious to hear what you pick. Luv Ya.

Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, my prayers are with you in the job interview. You'll do fine. I know you're going to be a hit, cuz you have the abilties, qualifications, and a sweet personality too. Can't wait to hear the news. a big happy supportive hug for a friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, my daughters want to dye my long hippie hairdo pink. I'd never recommend that to you. If one of them hands me a granddaughter, I'll dye it pink willingly. hehehe. Go by your clothes to give you an idea about hair color. If you look fantastic in pink, go blond. Black (my color), try black or brunette. If those brighter colors work for you, try red hair. This is just a "guy" opinion, so you also have to weigh this against sanity and "real" fashion sense. I'm sorry the treatment is making such a situation for you. I know you'll carry yourself with Marilyn's grace and style (I think highly of you, so I know you'll even try to have fun with the new hair). The best part of this is the support your mom gives you. For a parent, having a chronically or critically ill child (any age) is very painful and emotionally draining. Your mom (in my eyes) must have a strong character and lots of love to be so involved with your care. You're a lot like her, too. Have a great night, my dear friend. Hope you get lots of rest, and have a beautiful Thursday. hugs!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I'm speechless, but so very grateful for what you wrote. My wife and I have been facing a certain issues similar to what you wrote. She's been about a year and a half now, telling me to leave and start over with someone else. As the disease "progresses" (how can doctors use t h a t word?), the demands for this intensify. I'll never leave her while she's alive, but I also have a resigned, matter of fact way of thinking about my life after her death. I don't want to be alone, but I'm not about to jump into a relationship that would hurt me spiritually or emotionally. For the moment, I have a few very close friends (one a woman) in whom I can confide without fear of gossip or backstabbing. The reason I put that question here is not as much for me as it is for so many of us who face this same issue. God will get us through this business of grief, and He'll lead us on and even carry us to our destination. Isn't this a sweet thought? Thank you for all you wrote. I appreciate your wisdom and care so very much. I still keep the prayers going for you and your hubbie. Rest well, sister. I'm always here for you. hugs. me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kelly, in all honesty, I'm interested in Danya's work. However, there are several family issues making my direct participation very difficult. As our situation changes, perhaps I could offer information, but appearing on camera would not be possible. Thank you so much for, first, providing this website for our healing and rebuilding, and second, for allowing Danya to speak with us about her work.

[Kelly]

alaysmyjennifer-

Thank you for responding. It helps to know that family issues are one factor. We thought it might be the difficulty of talking about death and the issues that surround it. Now this might be true for other people. Since people rarely broach the subject we are learning to help teach others when this time in their life comes.

Kelly

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings, Fellow Travelers: I guess I should start with a Thank You to Kelly. This board has supported me when I really was without a straw to hang on to for strength. I found this board the second day I was home from work.

I did not know I could sit down and be an invalid. This board helped me accept my situation. Not only that, I had a chance to participate in a research project with a doctorate student. She asked just the questions I needed to ponder. Now, with Wonderdocs, I have another chance to hopefully make a difference for the people who come behind me.

I am not working at a job but God has allowed me to be of use in different ways. I credit this board with giving me the stamina to get up and not give up.

Now, I am seven down and three to go on radiation. My sister will be here soon. We will go the cancer house for a wig fitting. Being female, I just don't think a Dr. Phil hair do will fit me so I must do something. I'm seriously considering a buzz cut or burr or whatever. I can't see me polishing it like Kojak, but I can see just going with nature.

I send love and energy to my family. You are my family.

Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm back even though nobody has been here since I last posted. The last few days seem to have flown by, I love being busy but I might have overloaded my butt with my big mouth.

My visit to the palliative unit, I am working with director to write paper that will prepare future patients of obstacles, how to overcome possible problems, and what to expect. It is a good unit, I tell them the good things they can expect. Well, I'm loving it.

Also, I want to do the video. Maybe this is why God has had me circling the airport all these months. I thought His plan was related to helping other alcoholics and addicts, maybe His plan is for me to help terminally ill people.

Mark, did you get more aide hours? I treasure the hour I have Kim. She comes in like a whirlwind and by the time she leaves, I am ready to face the day. She told me the other day she has never had a patient like me. I'm not sure what she meant but she is young (25) married with no children. When I was 25 I think I was lost in purple haze, or mescaline, acid. Plus, cocaine and alcohol. She is living her life. I like to see that. Anyway, I am sure you and your wife need help.

Connie, how is your psyche? Are you wondering, or worrying? I am praying with you for God's will to be done on the situation. Sometimes, I have to ask, "Are you sure this is right, God?" Later on, I learn it was the right thing after all. It is hard to hold tight to faith when everything is crumbling around you.

Maryann, I continue to pray and hope for the best for you. This must be devastating to your whole family. When I get angry at cancer, it is mostly because of what it has done to my family.

Peace and Love

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, most of those younger people have new words for it, but I even have Jimi's cd with Purple Haze on it. My sister even dragged me to Woodstock (the real one). I was only a kid, but it was awesome. Enough of that. I'm so happy you have your aid, and especially, an aid you can count on and trust in your home. She is young, even younger than our aid (29). Our aid has 5 children. Her only remark to me about kids was "and I thought I started young". My first was born before my 14th birthday. Anyhow, she runs around the house, doing the chores faster than I could even get my lazy butt off the couch. Maybe the Kojak look won't work for you, but you're still a beautiful woman. Can't wait to hear the color choice you picked. As for our aid hours, no word yet, but I'm supposed to talk to the care manager again tomorrow. She has fallen twice with injuries in the last week, so I'm expecting to get some anger or worse from them. My wife has no ability to walk without her walker now, unless she abandons walking and uses her wheelchair. Rest well tonight, my friend. our love and prayers, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kelly and Danya, my wife and I have been together for over 20 years, which has allowed us the time to get to know how each other feels inside. We talk together about her illness and its outcome. By having support within our marriage, we both are more able to talk about death, her death, with others. Thanks for the website, "our" place for support and friendship with others who understand so well.

[bahiyya]

Beloved family –

WHEW! What a week. OK where shall I start? I’ll start with the job(s). I went to an interview yesterday and one today. I received offers for both jobs and now I have to decide between the job I “want” and the job that “pays” more money. I can’t complain it’s good to have choices.

Connie – thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I love reading your posts they are filled with so much love. I am praying for you and your husband knowing that the right situation and circumstance will reveal itself to you.

Queen Marilyn – I am so proud of you. Your feet never touch the ground – you are buzzing around in your activities “doing your thing”. I agree with Mark, I can’t wait to see which hair color and style you surprise us with. Whatever you decide, I know you will be KEWL=cool.  I’m glad to hear that the radiation is almost complete. I hope that the process has not been too uncomfortable and that it serves as a benefit to your well being. When you feel up to it – tell me more about the progress of the documentary.

Mark – I read your question and hope that what I have to offer will prove to be of use to you. First, let me say that I read Connie’s response to you and feel that it is right on target. I just love listening to her words, don’t you? The only thing that I might add is that time is the great healer and the great revealer.

I think I might have mentioned to you all that my husband died when I was six month pregnant with my precious daughter. After his death I felt split – I felt like I never wanted to marry again, or be involved again with any other man – while at the same time I felt that I wanted to love and be loved and be held and comforted through another wonderful relationship like ours. It is true what you said – comparison became a full fledged challenge. Simply because I felt Adel was my soul mate everything reminded me of him. When I began to date, everyone was compared to him – now I feel so sorry for those poor guys – they must have thought I was crazy – probably a little of that was true.  What happened – time – time was my friend – of course I can never forget the love that we shared, but eventually I starting allowing folks to be themselves without viewing them through the reflection of my Beloved Adel. I resolved it was not fair to them, to me and certainly not fair to Adel.

As to the right time – again – it is that inner spirit that tells us when, where, how and who. That still small voice that speaks into our hearts so that we know. You and your wife have the magic, the synchronization that only true lovers have – and the real miracle is that you found each other. I feel like unfulfilled love is like a single hand applauding.

I tell my clients, the answer to all questions resides in the question. I can say this to you because I know that you are whole, perfect and complete. You listen to your inner spirit because I’ve heard it expressed in your words, your love of your music, your pros (which I love) and your eternal giving and comforting to your wife, to your grandson, and to your cyber-sisters. We are all recipients of the sharing from that eternal, mystical spirit of yours. Your wisdom is evident, your judgment exact, and your love is unconditional.

Whenever I think of you and your wife I often think of the movie “What Dreams May Come” – the beautiful story of love that endures through time, space, death and birth. If you haven’t seen it, please rent it – I’d love to hear what you have to say about the movie.

All my rambling – I hope you found some comfort, thoughts to ponder, encouragement and answers in all of this.

Know that you are loved and supported unconditionally –

Agape,

B

[Kelly]

Mariyln,

Thank you! I am glad this board is here for you. It helps so much to know you are not alone when going through one of those hard patches in life. I appreciate your sense of humor with the Dr. Phil hairdo!.

Kelly

Greetings, Fellow Travelers: I guess I should start with a Thank You to Kelly. This board has supported me when I really was without a straw to hang on to for strength. I found this board the second day I was home from work.

I did not know I could sit down and be an invalid. This board helped me accept my situation. Not only that, I had a chance to participate in a research project with a doctorate student. She asked just the questions I needed to ponder. Now, with Wonderdocs, I have another chance to hopefully make a difference for the people who come behind me.

I am not working at a job but God has allowed me to be of use in different ways. I credit this board with giving me the stamina to get up and not give up.

Now, I am seven down and three to go on radiation. My sister will be here soon. We will go the cancer house for a wig fitting. Being female, I just don't think a Dr. Phil hair do will fit me so I must do something. I'm seriously considering a buzz cut or burr or whatever. I can't see me polishing it like Kojak, but I can see just going with nature.

I send love and energy to my family. You are my family.

Love and Peace.

[Kelly]

AlwaysMyJennifer,

What a blessing you two have the relationship where you truely can communicate with each other. We have found so many times here at Beyond Indigo that people don't have the framework with their marriage or relationship to talk about death. You are totally welcome from the depth of my heart for this website. Beyond Indigo is all of our place. I am just the focal point to get it started and keep it running but every person who has visited this site makes Beyond Indigo - it belongs to all.

Kelly

Kelly and Danya, my wife and I have been together for over 20 years, which has allowed us the time to get to know how each other feels inside. We talk together about her illness and its outcome. By having support within our marriage, we both are more able to talk about death, her death, with others. Thanks for the website, "our" place for support and friendship with others who understand so well.

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Afternoon: I am thrilled to see all of the support waiting for me when I come here. I think I visualize our meetings near water, with birds and maybe distant city sounds. But tranquil and accepting, those are the two main qualities I feel here. I love it.

We will get together Sunday to begin the video. My last job, adolescent treatment center, is willing for me to use their equipment. They even have an operator to run it. The only thing is, he told my friend he was afriad he would cry. He does not even know me. I don't want to make people sad. I'm praying about it but it might not be right, you know?

Yes, I will call the unit director today. I made revisions, and hopefully she will have some more suggestions for me. She's really a pretty good ole gal as we say in Oklahoma.

Only two more radiations to go. I chose blonde for color. It is closest to natural. Plus, they gave me a hat, two turbans, two sets of bangs since my forehead is so high.

Should I try to look good in the video or should I go natural? Please help me decide this. I trust and rely on you honestly giving me what you think. The people around me, they lie, they do it to make me feel better but I do not like to be lied to. A blind man would notice my forehead started way behind my ears.

Love and Peace

[bahiyya]

Queen Marilyn -

Greetings -- two more radiations -- hurray! it's almost over. Joyous tidings!

I like the blonde hair choice -- I can picture that -- indeed -- I have attempted, from time to time, dye my hair blonde, but the standing joke in our family is whatever color I select I always get red. My hair stylist says that red is the core color of my hair and unless there is a lot of bleaching, red is what I'll get.

As to go natural or not in your documentary -- that's a tough choice. What are your feelings in that regard? What would be the reasoning for either selection? I want to get your feedback and then I'll tell you what I think, if you so wish. Think it through and then share. OK?

I'm looking forward to hearing all about this wonder-filled venture. Enjoy it! You are still teaching, training and lifting all of us. You are loved --

you are God's great miracle forever unfolding.

Your Big Sis

b

PS As to the staff member crying -- not all tears are sad -- some are, and that's alright to shed those too.

[bahiyya]

Mark

This is a piece I wrote -- I would like to share it with you (and our family) as it reminds me of you and your wife.

You Complete Me

My love –

You complete me.

How often have I said these words to you – all the time fearing that the complexity of the simple phrase would escape your notice.

You complete me.

You are the missing essence of that which exists within and as me, that causes me to be me.

You complete me.

You respond to the sound of my heart beating sending the life giving fluid throughout my body temple.

You respond to the intensity of deep calling onto deep –

You are the exhale of my deepest breath.

You complete me

in every way imaginable –

your smile, your life, your eagerness, your low sensual tone.

You complete me, my love

as I complete you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, you are amazing, in all you do, all you say, and the matter of fact way you think, you're simply amazing. How do I give you an answer without sounding corny? How do you feel about it? Do you want them to see you as you were, or are? There's something about me that says, God accepts us as we are. If only my family accepted me this way, I'd have it made. I'm sorry if that sounds sarcastic or otherwise. I grew up in a difficult place, and it sometimes shows in my inability to say exactly how I feel - it just comes out backwards. And I'm with B, the blond will look awesome. Have a great Saturday. I'll talk tomorrow nite. a hug to a dear friend, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, are you trying to make me cry? You succeeded. That is soooo beautiful! I need to print this and frame it, so I can place it next to my sweetie's bed. You're a special friend, and I appreciate this so very much. Thank you, my dear friend, thank you. I pray you have a good day tomorrow, with lots of time to share with those you love. I'll visit tomorrow evening. hugs, luv, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Afternoon: Today has been a lazy day for me. It feels good. I haven't even got dressed yet. Through this past week, Kim came at 8:30 which meant I needed to get up, eat, do a breathing treatment, before she got here. Next week, she will go back to 9:30. Boy, what a relief. I am loving the life of leisure. There was a time when I was at my desk at 8. Now, here I am griping about getting up at 8. We adapt so easily, don't you think?

Yesterday, I discovered there is a music therapy for the dying. I forget the word but it makes sense. Anyway, I ordered some dying music. One is jazz and one is native american. I can hardly wait for them to get here.

This board has enriched my life in so many ways. Before I found you, I asked the other support group what the difference was in a chat room and a message board. I was leery of cyberspace. Would anyone be sick enough to stalk a sick old woman in cyberspace. gotta go

[marilynwhite3049]

I am sorry for the interruption while ago. The hospice nurse came to change the pump. I never know when she will come, guess when she is close and pump is low enough she changes it.

I have been doing lots of reading on death and dying. Cancer has been a blessing in so many ways. People around me don't understand except when I give concrete examples but the intangible things they don't understand.

Cancer seems to have put me into a different frame of reference. Even from the first moment, when the Merck Manual had less than a page to say no cure, no time. Poor response to treatment. It was a shocking diagnosis and the book had so little to say.

I want for dying in america to come to the forefront on lots of minds. It is as much a part of living as going to work. Dying is a process. There are no instructions for completing the process. Boy, I wish there were. People seem to look to me for direction and I am lost also.

I'm rambling. I am praying for a good day and weekend to you. Mark, keep your love strong. Connie, your faith is awesome. B. my soul mate, your research helped me ponder the questions that were so vital at that moment in my life. Everyone has contributed to my carrying on. People say I inspire them but I feel as if I get energy and the power from you to continue with each day.

Love and Peace