I Am Dying...

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm sorry y'all. This is my last post script this time. My email address is marilyn.white3049@sbcglobal.net I hope that I have not violated a rule by giving that information.

Please accept my apology if I have. It is so very important to read B's paper. Words can't convey the importance I feel.

Sincerely,

Marilyn

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Clittlelady, uh, hemmm. A . . . Mustang? I'm into my Vettes, thank you. hehehe. Now, seriously, I'm so sorry this thing with the court case turned like that. Sad, indeed. Please do a little special something for you, to get your spirit close to God, and to help you recouperate from this. I pray for you lots.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, no apology needed. I know B's paper will be a blessing for you to read, and an uplifting experience. It's okay to be a little private when you live in such a community. However, having one or two friends there who know what's going on will turn to your good. I know there's no such thing as privacy in them, but this can also be good. Soul searching is a difficult, painful task. However, it puts us in tune with who we truly are. As you keep searching, I think you'll like the person you find in there (I think I'm an ok guess at a person's character). Now, the picture is a great idea. I don't have one of myself as a child. My cousin has one of me as a teenager on my first Harley though. I'd see that dreadful sight and scream. hehehe. Funny how acid didn't make you introspective (never did that to me either). If you want to write outside this site, feel free to hit me at bluesbassist72@yahoo.com. You're always welcome to write, and I always enjoy reading what you post. You're a good person with a charming personality. Take care of you tonight. I hope you can rest well. We're always here for you. Later on, Mark

[bahiyya]

Greetings All --

Marilyn, I am sending our paper to you as soon as I complete this posting.

I spoke with my professor about sending the paper and the idea of confidentiality. She feels that I can send the paper in its entirety since names are not mentioned and the participants do not know each other. So, you will receive the entire paper.

I'm pleased that you and Mark found my picture idea a good one -- please pass it on as you both come in contact with folks who need to continue that inward healing process. Isn't it funny how God always provides exactly what you need -- the Christmas frame is a prime example.

Mark, since you don't have a picture of the "little boy", perhaps you could make a small drawing, or get someone else to create a small sketch -- just as a point of reference. What do you think?

I went to a retro filmfest yesterday afternoon with a couple of girlfriends - the film was so-so, but it was sooo good to get out of the house. I thought of what you said to me Mark about taking time for myself and I agree -- I felt like an imprisoned soul, released after a long time. I thought of you as well Marilyn and your great passion for life. I decided that every Sunday I will find an activity that I enjoy, and attend. My treat to me -- thank you both for reminding me that life occurs outside of the textbooks.

I'm wishing you both a wonderful day -- it is cold here in Georgia, but I'm inside until later when my daughter and I will go to the gym. Cozy up!

Peace and Blessings,

b

[clittlelady]

Mark....

Easy now.. I love corvettes too, just never had the pleasure of owning one. One of my brothers had a '68 hard top convertible.. red/orange with the white scoops on the side (know what I mean?) I was about eight when he took me for a ride in it. I thought I was a little princess. He was into cars. My husband and I have had a few mustangs, '65, '67 and '68. We loved to fix them up, little "projects". Son ended up with the '68 briefly... that is until he put the rear end up against a tree. It had the 286 engine and was way to much for a seventeen year old.... so needless to say, we made sure he went from that to a 4 cylinder Isuzu pickup truck and would you believe, some hit him in that truck and totaled it? My husband and I are going to Jackson, Miss. Thursday to look at another Mustang. These guys here just thought I would be so in love with the car, I would pay their '06 price on an '05 car. I really would love to have a corvette, but I can't justify no back seat... I have twin nieces and we do things together... got to have that back seat, little as it may be. It has to be my work car and fun car all in one.

Hope all is well with you and your wife today... God Bless You both, as always, you're in my prayers.... Take care...

Connie

[clittlelady]

Uh... Mark... that's a 289 on the engine, my upside down dyslexia took over, I guess, or I hadn't had that first cup of coffee....

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, the film fest sounds like it was fun, even if the flick wasn't so hot. My little selfish pleasure is hopping the jazz clubs in the Big Apple (I really like the Blue Note). The idea of making your own time a regular thing sounds great. Maybe I should take that as a hint, and do a little more for "me". Have a lot of fun with your daughter. The picture idea is cool, and I thought of a little art stuck to the wall in my studio. It's a fingerpaint picture my grandson did for me. He owns a special place in Grandpa's heart. Have a good day, and may you have blessings from Heaven. Thank you for the research and work you're doing. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, Oooo, the backseat. . . It's only needed when ya carry the little ones. So, ya take the Vette out when you don't feel like babysitting??? hehehe. Mine was a 63 split window, with a blown 427. The top of the blower intakes were higher than the car's roof. She was good for about 210 on the quarter mile. My racing buddy and I sold it to a guy in Florida. I'm a grandfather, so I guess I should act a little like my age (oooo, mid 40z). Yes, I want another one, but a '68 this time. I love those old T tops. Don't pay too much for the '05, even if the new ones look soooooooo cool. Hope you have lotsa fun with your nieces. Praying for ya, Mark

[bahiyya]

Greetings all --

Mark, I like the fingerpainting idea. The purpose of the exercise is to create an inner space, and what better way of doing so then through the paintings of a child. It sounds like your grandson's painting will be just the nudge to remind you of your responsibility to your inner child. Good work!

Yes, the need for enjoyment, affiliation, pleasure -- what a unique idea I met a nice man at the filmfest with obvious mutual interests. So, we'll see what happens.

Music is also my passion. I love jazz, the horns WOW! Although I must admit the guitar also strikes a string for me (pun intended).

You all have a great day filled with Peace and Prosperity.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: I am blown away by the car and jazz talk. It makes me remember why I am alive. I suddenly have a desire to download some George Gerswin music. His name is misspelled but I hope you know who I mean, anyway download and blast my neighbors with loving jazz.

Cars: In February of 2005, the first few days, I bought myself the first brand-new car I had ever had. I had shopped for months. Anyway, I left work for a long lunch break and came back driving a new, black, 2005 Lincoln LS. It is absolutely the nicest car I have ever had. The payments are high, but you know what, God gave me money, He loves me, I told myself God wanted me to be good to myself. It is a clinche but it is true. If I don't take care of myself, no body does.

2005 was a traumatic year. It was good, bad, all the descriptives in between. B said she felt relief at finishing the paper. In a sense, yesterday, I felt that same relief.

It was the perfect tool to give my mother. Now, she and I can move forward and speak directly. She has struggled coming to terms with my prognosis. Even saying once that I seemed flippant when I asked if a short, basic black dress would be appropriate for the funeral. I still don't know it it was my tone, the actual question, or the dress that gave her the idea I was flippant. The paper will allow us to discuss death.

You have helped me so much. I love destiny. Isn't it neat that we could meet like this and impact the other's life and then traipse off in cyberspace feeling the better for it? I loved the quotes from Kilbran.

My clinical supervisor has brought me three books written by him. The last one, she left by my door last night, is named, "Emmanuel." I've only read part of the preface but am already comforted.

I read the Prophet way back in the problem, drug days. As if anything made sense through the haze of chemicals. Anyway, the writing and thoughts are peaceful and I feel as if doors are opening and I can walk through them. Is that the white light I have heard and read about? Do you think?

I am sicker, my body systems are slowing down, my headache is chronic, but under a 5. I am not exactly comfortable but do not want more meds because I want to be coherent. I seem to weigh everything lately. It is all pros and cons.

Where did that impulsive person go? The one who would buy a Lincoln on her lunch break? I loved her. This new Marilyn is not yet comfortable for me. Has anyone experienced this before? How do you get past it and hopefully acquire a liking for the new persona?

Love and peace. I am so grateful for you all. In the paper, my heart hurts everytime I think of the other participant. I'm sorry for bringing it up, I apologize to me as much as anybody. Why do we bring up painful thoughts over and over? I am twisted, or am I?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, good morning. I'm about to quit for the "night", but I have to come here and check on my friends here. Gershwin? Hmmmm. I love Rhapsody in Blue. So, you bought a Lincoln. Awesome! You've done so well in nurturing yourself, maturing and growing past the addictions, you deserve the special treat. I'm happy for you being able to ride in such a class act auto. Please be patient with your mom. Parents find the death of their child overwhelming. I lost my Jenni at 21, after being raped. This has been painful and difficult, but as I slowly accept losing her, I find God's peace and comfort little by little; not all at once, but as I'm able to accept His gift, He gives. You're not twisted, not even a little. We bring up these painful thoughts so we can face them in our own terms, make sense of them, and then adjust to our new reality. As we write here, our personalities emerge to our friends. I see you as a caring and thoughtful person. You also show a little flair and spice, which is why you gave yourself the Lincoln. It's amazing how the powers governing all this allowed a few of us to meet in this place, cuz it's great to meet and know such wonderful people like you. Take care of yourself today. Please don't overdo too much, but instead, try to get the rest you need. My prayers are with you.

[marilynwhite3049]

Mark, B, Connie, everyone: I have had a good day. Today the housekeeper came, my nurse came soon after, and when the nurse left the counselor called. I see her once a month.

Counseling as part of your care is great. Of course, I think everyone needs counseling or I have been told I advocate counseling a little strongly. But my counselor and I hit it off well from the first visit. I shared the paper with her from B's research.

Am I different from other people? I am brutally honest on this board. I say whatever I want because I need to and I don't feel I can with my loved ones. Today, my counselor said that I could volunteer in the office if I wanted because she can see that I am not going to just sit down!!!

Today is the first time I drove my car in almost a week. I have sat down. My resignation letter is written. I will turn it in Friday when I do the monthly report.

I love y'all. Keep me on track. I feel as if I'm tired of waiting and what I am doing does not seem to be what I should be doing.

Peace and love. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. That is how I feel for you.

[clittlelady]

Dear Friend Marilyn

I guess since I've been up working on a transcript until 12:15 a.m. my time, it's now the 23rd of February. Glad yesterday was a good one for you. When I skip a day visiting here, You, Mark and many others, I feel as though I'm missing a very important supplement to my nutrition. Does that make sense? Are you different you ask? Absolutely yes and Positively no? That makes more sense, right? Brutally honest with others, isn't half as tough as being honest with yourself or at least in my case, this is what I've come to learn. To me, when I put it out here, in print, across this screen, I even wake myself up sometimes. I've said it before and I say it again, this message board has been such a vital part of my being able to cope with my grief of losing my Mother. There are so many here, with so many stories, each painful, each looking to get through the moment. Some days you give something, some days you take. It's been a perfect blend of this very difficult part of my life.

So Glad you were able to get out in the car. I had surgery a year and a half ago and I absolutely hated not being able to access my freedom "The Car". When I was able to get out that first time, following my recovery, it reminded me of how I felt when I first got my drivers license. Didn't care where I was going, just as long as I was in the car, behind the wheel, shades on and groovin to the tunes. Are you ready for this... Don't laugh. A 1976 AMC Pacer, two tone, white on top, green on bottom, white interior and an AM radio! That's what I thought I was hot stuff in? Okay, I asked you not to laugh. I got my drivers license in THAT car. Mom bought it brand new in 1976. At the time, my grandmother was in a wheelchair and my Mother thought it would be easier to maneuver her into this car, because of the BIG doors. It was indeed. She had that car until two years ago when she gave it to my son and insisted he drive it away from her home that very day. She wanted him to have it. He drove it straight to my house, where it remains parked, under covers in MY driveway. She was 84 at the time and I later figured it out. She had went out on a rainy day to the grocery store and "slipped into someone". She later admitted this in those terms. She was afraid she would be in trouble. So my 84 year old Mother was running from the long arm of the law when she gave up driving. The car still looks great and runs great too, only has 62,000 miles on it. I think I'm going to ebay it one day soon. I'm sentimental, but it's got to go.

Whewww... Sorry I took you down that dead end on Memory Lane.

You said you're submitting your resignation? Friday? I'll be thinking of you friend. Ironic, I'll be doing the same thing. I finally decided to move into another position, still within the court system though, but I won't have to bring work home anymore. It's been so stressful. Now that I've told my coworker's I'm leaving, some of them I considered more like family, they're already treating me different. The job I'm accepting comes with a substantial raise and even though I have good benefits, this is much better. I hate changes, but I know that's what this whole process is about, one after the other, nothing ever stays the same.

Marilyn, every day I come here and read your posts, you're a blessing to me and I know I'm not the only one. You're a very significant person, every day.

What's your favorite flower? Whatever they are, I want you to know, I wish you a fresh, huge bouquet of them today. Cyber Flowers. The card reads: God Bless you my Friend... Luv right back to Ya!

Connie

[clittlelady]

Mark...

I didn't know.

The way you have touched so many, through it all....

I'm thankful to know you, for it is when someone with your heart shares as you have and continue to do, it crosses all barriers of "religion" or "denominations". It's a God thing. You're such a strong testimony for God's love.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: I look to this board for my daily support. You slipped so flawlessly into the space, I was hardly aware of my need. The moment I grasped it, even before I posted, I drew strength from you. Cyberspace, I thank you.

I have outgrown my local support group. I might have told you about the last meeting I attended. I brought up topic of death. One member, who has been diagnosed twice!! stated she and husband had never discussed death. Before I could think, I stated I could not believe her.

Anyway, by the end of meeting people were checking their watches, had their puses under their arms and their coats on. I haven't gone back. I know I should call the MHP and at least talk to her, let her know how valuable the group was to me for so many months. She probably has seen people outgrow, or pass, whatever the term. Anyway, I no longer fit in the group. They are in denial and I am not the kind of person who can let people hide their heads in the sand.

One member called to check on me. She also has quit coming. She stopped about two weeks before me. She said one of the women called her. I was frank with her. She totally understood. Her cancer is just holding. It's there, not advancing but not backing up. Things like that were dismissed if even broached. I was glad she called me.

Yes, the trip in the car was great. I had Janis Joplin, blaring, all the way. She can ask for a mercedes like nobody else. Of course, my mom did not like it when she found out that I drove. I again reminded her, as long as I make payments I am going to drive. She can not help herself from saying something stifling. I accept that.

She has been very understanding this week. This is the first day she has come down. I appreciate her for that. Today, we can have a good day. She loves reading Bible verses and discussing them, we can do that. Of course, I know her motive and it is okay.

I tried to resign. I sent the letter but my supervisor sent an email back stating he refused to accept it. The big boss is figuring something out. I am supposed to do the monthly report one last time tomorrow. It is the last task I have to pass on to my replacement. I had so hoped we could do this without the eyeball-to-eyeball stuff.

It was God's grace that took me to that job. He surrounded me with people who loved and appreciated me. They expected the best of me and I surprised myself. It is a shame I worked so long before I found the Job Heaven. I even joked about dying and coming to.

Mom's here. I'll check late. Know that I love you.

[bahiyya]

Greetings All!

I've been at a residency orientation that started Wednesday and ends Sunday. So, I've been MIA on this site -- apologies all around.

I'm learning so much from this orientation -- good stuff. Today I was in an intensive seminar entitled Global Health in the 21st Century. Awsome stuff, really! I am so jazzed because I can see my work in so many different capacities and effecting so many different phases of mental and physical health. I just love to learn.

Well, I've been reading everyone's posts to catch up a bit. Your car sounds wonderful Marilyn, and I agree with Mark it is a fine choice. However, for me, I'm gonna follow Sister Joplin's choice when I get my dream car. I've owned a Mercedes before when I lived in LA, and I love everything about it. I can't wait until I can afford one again.

Today I met a colleague from Alaska. We had the most interesting conversation. She was sharing how native/rural Alaska still is despite US intervention and statehood. She said that it is so very beautiful and that she is frequently visited by our National Bird -- the bald eagle, picking through her garbage. I promised to visit her in a few years. Of course she suggested that I come in the summer so that there will be daylight hours.

Marilyn, I'm glad to hear that you are out and about. I like your supervisor and your co-workers. Doesn't it feel wonderful to have a job where you are appreciated and valued? What a wonderful blessing. What are your feelings about continuing in some capacity on your job? I know it is a support for you. Perhaps your employer might consider some type of telephone/electronic intervention between yourself and clients. I don't know, but it sounds like you work with a savvy group, so I know that you all will make good decisions.

You spoke of making sound choices vs. impulsiveness. I think both entities reside in us all the time. A wise woman (as you obviously are) decides when, where, and how to use the tools appropriately. You've done an excellent job.

You honor me greatly Marilyn by showing our paper with your family and with your professional support team. Thank you ever so much. I am pleased that our Divine Intervention made such an impact, it certainly has for me.

As to participant Mr. L -- know that he is fine, surrounded by what he always wanted, "someone to love". Remember? Who can love him better than our Father.

I'll close this post with a quote from another of my favorite books -- The Tao te Ching as translated by Stephen Mitchell

The supreme good is like water,

which nourishes all things without trying to.

It is content with the low places that people disdain.

Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.

In thinking, keep to the simple.

In conflict, be fair and generous.

In governing, don't try to control.

In work, do what you enjoy.

In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself

and don't compare or compete,

everybody will respect you.

Be well -- good night.

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, thank you. I'm happy we've been allowed to cyber meet, and have the opportunity of helping others. We're given a task, and we're always happiest when we're busy doing our work for God. It's more than denomination, it's faith. If I told you what "denomination" I adhere to, you'd probably think I was whacky, seeing I do rock and blues Gospel on stage (not Amish, but close). Music is my ministry, my life's work. Take care of you, and seek His peace and comfort. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. My prayers abide with you, with all those dear people who are here for this painful reason. God bless ya. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, I think I'm going to copy and keep the Tao that you shared. There's a little "proverb" that goes, Happy is the man whose hobby is his living. You have no need to apologize for being away for awhile. I wasn't here yesterday, out with a migraine headache. It's better today. Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your time and friendship with us. You're a blessing and inspiration. Ooo, the Mercedes. We had one a few years back, but my fav transportation is what she had at Woodstock, a Harley. Okay, reserve with that, cuz I dooooo love my Vettes.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm sorry I missed writing last night. I was blind with a migraine headache. This is so cool that they won't accept your resignation. That shows how much you mean to them. I can see why. You have a dear personality, and a caring heart. It's good to see such a caring person in our world. I am truly sorry that you find the support group unresponsive to your needs. With that, I'm also happy for the one who cares enough to call you, who seems to have also "outgrown" the group. Maybe the dynamic of the group isn't as much for you who are currently in treatment, or in the active stage of the illness, but for those who want to look back and reminisce. I pray you can connect with a group for where you are in the illness. This would be so good for you. It took me such a long time to connect with a group for something I'm facing, that is, my daughter's death after being raped. I still struggle with the "m" word (murder), which multiplies the pain in my heart. Jenni's heart was sweet, caring, kind. She loved children, music and cars. To have a few people locally who understand exactly what I'm going through, because all of us in this group have faced this, is a blessing. May God give you all that you need for today. Please do a little something to spoil or pamper yourself. A little nurturing of yourself does wonders. Thank you for letting us share a little time with you. We think of you as our friend. Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Good morning, Friends: You are my support group. Although I outgrew, or passed, whatever, the local, blood and muscle support group, you are just the support i need at this point. For them, i had to wear clothes, drive a couple of miles, be congenial, smile even if it wasn't real. You are so much better.

I have been graced since I put down the drugs and alcohol. Looking back, even in the low spots, there was a power who guided me through to the other side. The rocks and rough places were worth it. I didn't have time to miss the other support group because you slipped right into the gap before I knew there was a gap.

I printed off the quote that B gave us. Of all the dreams I gave up last year, graduate school, learning, was the hardest one. I still tear up because i only just got started, my first semester, and it was so terribly interesting and fun. Cancer reared it's head and my dream was lost.

Not totally lost, put your kleenex up. My friend who shared my dream, she trudges ahead. She comes twice a week when she gets out of class. She keeps me up on things she is learning and if someone sends me a Hello.

Last night, tearfully, she said she is torn between time with me and completing a paper. I promised that I would hang on until she completes her paper. She is not to come back until her paper is complete and turned in to instructor. She is honest, I believe she will honor our agreement.

She used to be my boss, but actually, when I interviewed for the position, I knew that she and I were kindred spirits. She is the one who will do the euology. Although she and I have differences in belief, somehow we are on the same page. Anyway, B, I gain strength from you fearlessly forging ahead just as I gain strength from my friend Diane. Vicarious pleasure might not be the same as the real first-hand thing, but it has it's merits.

My mom is coming again today. I think I will give her the phones, I have a work phone and personal phone. I am fortunate because people care about me and call to see if I need milk, or bread, or company, or could they do laundry, or wash dishes, but my arms are impaired. Holding a phone is not comfortable. Well, a little more than not comfortable. Not exactly what you would say painful, but, well, yes, painful. Okay.

I don't know why I try to be tough. I watched my father suffer through pain of lung cancer. By the end, I asked God to please take his child. It hurt to see him suffer. I do not like to think of my loved ones remembering me suffer. Therefore, I try to hide it. I wonder if that is normal?

I used to not give a fig if something was normal or not. Actually, if it wasn't normal it probably appealed to me the more. Lately, since I have been alienated by this disease, I want to blend into the background and be normal?? Who is this stranger that has taken over this worn-out, broke-down, body?

Thank you for helping me find my way. I can feel each of you stretching out your hand for support. God graced me when I found you. Love and peace.

[bahiyya]

Beloved Friends

Today was my third day of residency orientation and it was very good. I left after the intensive seminar to go to the gym and keep my promise to myself to become healthier. On my way to the gym I saw a movie rental store going out of business and made a mental note to stop back on my way home. Ohmygosh! DVDs were $1.50 each and VCR tapes were 49 cents. I thought – they saw me coming. Movies are one of my true passions. I love everything about the movies. My friends tease me, calling me Rain Man because all of my movies are neatly arranged in alphabetical order. LOL! Anyway, needless to say, I had a ball.

Mark and Marilyn, I’m glad you all enjoyed the Taoism. I’ll share some more today and then so other quotes from other resources, if you would like. The Tao is one of my favorite reference books. Truth is actually so simple, isn’t it?

Marilyn, I am so glad that you see us as your support group. We are. We are support for you and you for us. We all support each other – what a wonderful idea. Wonder if we could bottle and sell this?  Oh, yeah, it’s already been done – “love thy neighbor”. I speak of you and Mark often to my friends – you both have become a significant part of my life.

I was watching a video a minute ago and thought, ohmygosh, did I share with Marilyn the first law of the Universe. Have I? Well, just in case here it is – the First Law of the Universe states – NOTHING IS EVER LOST – NOTHING IS EVER DESTROYED. Remember when I shared with you the information about Einstein’s energy theory. The reason nothing can ever be lost or destroyed is because EVERYTHING in its most simple form is pure energy. Awesome, isn’t it?

Well, I’m closing with more Taoism – hope you all enjoy it. Sleep well.

True perfection seems imperfect,

Yet it is perfectly itself.

True fullness seems empty,

Yet it is fully present.

True straightness seems crooked.

True wisdom seems foolish.

True art seem artless.

The Master allows things to happen.

She shapes events as they come.

She steps out of the way

And lets the Tao speak for itself.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, oooo, movies! I'm not organized enough to do alphabetical order, but I love old movies, like Cary Grant. I've been looking for a certain Doris Day flik, but after two years, I'm still without it. hehehe. There's something "magical" here in this website, that total strangers become friends by a bond of our human condition.

I had a long talk with a friend today about my daughter Jennifer, which turned me into a puddle of mush, all tears. Her place in my heart feels vacant at times, but I know her spirit is always close. Thank you for so much encouragement and hope.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I always keep the tissues close. Maybe it's a sign of weakness, or strength, but no matter, I'm okay with letting my feelings run away with my heart once in a while.

The promise of a friend is stronger than steel. When her paper is finished, you'll see your friend, and the work she did.

Living a little through others is fascinating. It's a blessing to be a part of their success.

I pray you have a perfect weekend. Get the rest you need. We're always here, praying for you and worrying about you too. I pray you receive all you need for today.

[marilynwhite3049]

Hello: I must tell you first that my brother went to hospital Thursday for some tests. He was told this morning he has advanced cancer. It is in several locations. We are reeling. My little mother has always lived a good, law-abiding, God-fearing, life. What has she done to merit two sick children at the same time?

I know life ins't fair and it is okay for it to not be fair to me but it angers me to the core of my being for the world to be mean to my mama. My little brother, I told him weeks ago that I felt guilty because people worry about me and I felt he was as sick as me.

At that time, he just blew it off. But looking back, I wonder if my brother has known this for a while. He went away to the airforce two weeks after high school graduation. He spent his career there.

Only last summer did he come back to Oklahoma and be near our family. I am grateful he is near, so much better than him being in Wichita, but I wonder if he knew something and has kept it to himself due to me. I feel guilty, y'all.

Plus, I should have checked out months ago. I've circled the airport and waited patiently and told myself I was grateful for each day but I am not grateful. I can be no help to my brother and I take energy from my mama and I don't know.

Enough whining. I just read that last paragraph and there is a possibility I should maybe start this post over. I don't know, the words just tumbled out before I processed them in my head.

B: your third day of residency orientation!! Girl, it feels as if I made it there with you. Thank you for taking me and sharing this part of you with me. My dream of being more and helping more and making a difference in this world, I can safely know that you have taken this desire. What you will accomplish, just know that I am rooting for you and I am part of your history.

As children, we joked that we would "haunt" others. Or were any of you as morbid as I? B, I would never haunt you but I will be at the front of your cheering team. I'll be the loudest angel? I don't know, the angel persona is not imaginable for me. But trust me, whatever my form or being, I am cheering for you.

Cancer might have taken the tangible dream but you gave it back to me. My heart soared to just read the word "residency," Get out the kleenex. I'm a roller coaster today.

Thank you for being here. Does anyone know of the Virginia Satir poem or writing about I am me? I haven't read it in a long time but it talks about our uniqueness. I don't know why that popped into my head. But I leave you with the thought that we are unique but I thank God for our sameness.

Love and Peace.

[bahiyya]

Marilyn –

I am so very sorry to hear about your brother’s diagnosis. It is so difficult sometimes to understand the “whys” of life. This is just unimaginable. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and will remain so through this ordeal. If you can think of anything I can do to comfort or console, please let me know. I sincerely mean this.

I sent to your email account the website for the Virginia Satir poem you wanted.

Surrounding you with the warmth of unconditional love – I remain –

Your friend,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Thanks, yes, that is exactly the one I meant. I love cyberspace. If I have regrets, one of them is surely that I did not discover cyberspace earlier. Computers were functional. I heard about people enjoying them but I just couldn't relate. Now I know their pleasure. Don't you think the Spirit of the Universe has a sense of humor? Some things are so ironic.

My biggest concerns are for my family. Truly, I might be in shock. My sister-in-law is inconsolable. She hardly knows our family. She and my brother have what I would call an enmeshed relationship. My mom refers to it as extrememly close. She has called a couple of times. She sobs. We hardly even speak. It is a gut-wrenching sob. I feel powerless to help her. I offered to send some Xanax to her, or food, or send a ride if she did not want to drive here. She will not leave my brother's side but just sobs. Do you know a way I could express my concern for her.

It is just so sad that I just don't know her very well at all. I know y'all are praying for me, I can feel the support.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, if only a few words in cyberspace were able to console you and your sister in law and your brother. Although you may not know her closely, this is a time for you both, especially given from above, to build a closeness that will last for eternity. I would never intentionally write something to offend or upset you, and I pray this comes out right. I have the impression that letting your sister in law sob and cry, no matter how intense, will be healing for her, and bonding for you both. This shows the depth of love she holds in her heart for you, as her sister through her husband. This is so precious. As my wife and I face what is ahead, and as much as we dread the day she is taken from me, we look at it more in terms of losing each other, more than her losing her life. I have great difficulty dealing with the thought of being away from her, not as much that she'll be deceased, but not in my arms where she belongs. We were hit with more bleak news from the doctor yesterday, so I ask you forgive my depressed feelings and blah way of writing tonight. My mood is more sensitive about her impending death (it hurts, yet, I can't bear to see her suffering such horrible pain). My prayers are with you, for the many issues you face and things you need. May God's greatest blessings be yours.

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

I can't begin to express how it hurts to hear of your Brother's news and for you and your family to have this enormous sadness thrust upon you. My heart breaks for you all and more deeply for your Mother.

My Mother's brother died five days before she did. She was still alert and we chose to tell her. She had been asking about him, so we didn't keep it from her. She knew he was very ill, had suffered a brain aneurysm and survived that a year before, but was critical off and on. We brought an 8 x 10 photo of him she had in her living room, to her in her bedroom. We asked her did she remember he had been very ill and she nodded her head for yes. We told her that we had received the news he had just passed away and she knew he was at rest now. She pulled the photo to her and hugged it. It was a precious moment as she was the eldest of the eight children and had loved them all and cared for them when they were small, while her parents worked in the cotton fields. She sewed and made their clothes and cooked for them. After my grandparents passed away, she always kept up with each one, their birthdays, when they were ill. She outlived all but one. My uncle lived in New Mexico and she was here in Louisiana. They were buried a day apart. I have one uncle left, he is 67 and it was extremely difficult for him to lose them all so close together, literally attending one funeral one day and another the next. They had just lost my last aunt six months before. I believe that's when my Mother actually gave up, as they lived close to each other and almost daily.

So as far as knowing that life seems extremly unfair, I completely understand that. I know God knows where we are, but there have been times when I wondered if he had indeed forgotten, though I know that is not possible. I can look back now and see, that in the midst of all the tragedy and heart break and loss, that it has been as the Footprints In The Sand. That is when God did carry me, for I surely couldn't have made it on my own. There was only one set of Footprints.

Please know that I will keep you all lifted up in prayer.

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARK:

For all that you and your wife are being confronted with at this moment, whatever it is, know that you both remain in my prayers. I know I don't have to tell you this, for I can read in your words and feel the special love that you two have for each other, but what a blessing for you two to have latched onto something so dear that so many never find. You are both certainly a testimony not only of your love for each other, but of your love for the Lord. In that relationship you have the reassurance you that it is eternal, both loves and that you will be reunited. I pray for your physical and spiritual strength, peace and rest. Love to you Both.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

I was interrupted while ago. It was a good interruption and it gave you time to respond.

The person who took my place called. He and I have never directly talked about my illness. A mutual friend saw him at a convention and urged me to speak directly to him. He is kinda macho trained. He equates tears with weakness although he says logically that he knows better.

I told him how important it has been to know that he is there for the clients. God was good to us because He allowed us to transition without too much pain. For months, I had wondered how I could say bye to my clients. I didn't have to, one day, my body refused to get up and go to work.

Willard was capable and stepped in and clients had already accepted that he and I were united in our care for them. That alone is a miracle. Sometimes clients have problems if counselors leave. Willard reports that all are doing unbelieveably well. I teased him for believing everything they tell him. It took a minute for him to realize that I was teasing.

I'm graced in the way that things have worked out. I used to hang around unsavory people. They would have used and abused me if I had been sick. God has surrounded me with a few caring people who love me. I am so grateful.

Thank you for saying it is supportive to let her cry. I am thankful she loves him so. I worry for her stability because she feels so alone. Tonight she said he has given up the fight. She said this because he had slept all day.

I told her that if he has been in pain for weeks, which he has, that he has not had any sleep in that long. When I first got pain relief, I think I slept around the clock. Pain is such a trauma to our poor physical beings. I urged her to consider that his body is tired and that tomorrow maybe he will not sleep so much. I hope I was right. All I could go on was my experience with pain. It scares me to think back and how powerful the pain was. My poor little brother, he is probably exhausted.

Does the saying about "When it rains, it pours." Is that not relevant for us all? Mark, my heart hurts. Connie, I feel equally so thinking of your mother and now you trying to climb back to life with some semblance or what life should be.

Do you ever wonder, what was my life like before the s--t storm hit? Uh oh, I think I just hit a gripping jag. Time for me to get off and eat something. I love and pray for us all.

It might be time to listen to Ray Charles and Gladys Knight sing, "Heaven Help us All." God is in heaven and the world is right, I know that. But the damn waves are really rough.

Love and Peace

[marilynwhite3049]

It's me again. I can not wait for you to respond. My little brother died this morning. He was witty at 5 AM. He went to sleep and they could not awaken him at 8:45 AM. My little brother beat me.

As children, we pushed and shoved each other, me first, me first. He won, damn it. I don't know whether to, I just don't know. I feel almost as if he is laughing at me from just beyond my perception.

The last time we talked I expressed that I felt I had circled the airport long enough. My affairs are in order. People have worried long enough. He just listened to me. He was sick, I knew he was sick. Did he show me how to do it? Is that all I have to do? Check into a hospital and check out?

I feel as if I have missed something that he knew without thought. Yesterday, it did not matter if there was anything past life, this life. It has been enough. But today, I hope to God there is a hereafter. I want to catch him and say, "Wait, I'm the oldest."

I can not ever remember not having a brother. I vaguely remember looking through a window and Daddy telling me he was our baby (my brother) I mean. That could be memory or it could be verbal history that i have heard and incorporated into memory.

He was a anchor to who I am. I am sad because I loved him so and I don't know if I told that the last time. I think that i just bitched about my own little perverse world. I'm so sorry I wasted my time with him.

Grief, I thought I felt grief for me. This is a bigger grief today. I am grateful you are here. I'm better already because I know you are there with me. Love and Peace.

[clittlelady]

Marilyn,

Honey, I hurt for you so much. I know this is like a freight train from nowhere. Sounds like you two made some good memories. Maybe he IS showing you the way. Maybe you are to help your Mother through this. Even in the darkest hour, when we don't understand why, there is a reason for everything. I've lost a brother. He was 37. I remembered throwing a glass of water on him, the last time I saw him. We were just kidding around though, but still, that's my last visit with him. I wish this pain could be spared you and your family. Your Precious Mother. I hope she will find her way here. Slip the website address into her wallet, slip it into a couple of other places where you know she'll find it, also your sister-in-law. You will all be in my prayers as you struggle through these most difficult hours. I will check in here later. I wish you to feel the warmth of a friend's embrace from miles away, a face unseen, but a heart of compassion and love, a sister in the Lord.

Connie

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

I'm so sorry to hear about your sorrow. I am an only child and can remember longing, all of my life, for a sibling. Someone to share with, argue with, fight and make up. Even as an adult I realize that there is a special bond between siblings like no other.

I envisioned you and your brother tussling and pushing to be "first" as I read your words. Indeed he may have won the skirmish, but certainly the greater victory will be when the two of you are united once again. Think of the wonderful stories you will have to share and how he will tease you for having made the journey "first".

You wondered if he knew you loved him -- I've known you for such a short time and I can respond without hesitation. Yes! How could anyone be in your presence for any length of time and not feel loved. He certainly knew, as we all know. Love rarely has to be spoken, don't you agree?

I so support the information Mark suggested to you for bonding between yourself and your sister-in-law. Now, especially, you both can use the mutual support and love and comes from these situations.

My best to you and your family.

Abundant love,

b

[bahiyya]

Mark -

I've read of your love of your wife and thought, wow! I wish I had someone in my life who knew of, and could share, this type of love. Your words clearly express your love and dedication to this woman. The special bond that exists between you -- this is wonderful. This must be the way life and love were intended to be experienced.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's declining condition. I am at a loss for words -- isn't this the most helpless feeling? I want words that will fill the gaps and eliminate the pain -- but in reality I know there are no such words. There is only time and unconditional love. I wish you both --

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, from the depths of my soul, I thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. While I will tall you that no relationship or marriage is perfect, I have been blessed with loving the woman I was born to be with. I have my faults, like any man. She may have one or two, but we work toward harmony and love in spite of the issues. If I can pray anything for you, it would be that you will find that one, and you too could know this love. Before I turn into a sobbing mess, I hope you are having the best of weekends, getting some rest, and feeling well. I so appreciate the things you write here. You inspire and give us hope. Thank you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, thank you so much for the comfort and prayers. What you wrote made me cry. I've been a little emotional since the last doctor appointment, Friday. It was like everything was bad news, and now it's like her doctor is giving up hope for treatment. With God, all things are possible, so as long as she breathes, I will hold onto hope. I get a little down in the dumps occasionally, mostly when we're initially hit with new problems from this dystrophy. But, so true it is, those sweet words you wrote, we will be reunited there, and I can't wait to see her in perfect health. I've always been blessed by her, being married to such a beautiful, loving woman, and the perfect mom to our children. I'd give anything to have a restart and share these years with her all over. If it's this sweet here, picture Heaven, my friend. I keep praying for you as well, for the sorrow and pain you feel. May you be given peace and comfort from the ministering angels. Take care of yourself, and try to give yourself the nurturing you need.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm sitting here at the desk in my studio, crying for your loss. I know there is little I can say to give you comfort, yet, I know God will answer my prayers and send an angel to comfort you through this time of sorrow and loss. These moments touch me deeply, profoundly. If you need us, whatever it is, we'll be here. If you need to write, my private email address is bluesbassist72@yahoo.com. For your sister in law, we will be in prayer. I pray her heart can be at peace, and she be given the comfort she needs now. Take time to rest, and please be sure you don't get overtired.

It's good to know that your fellow counselor is doing so well. I hope you both can talk, and he can learn from you for his job. You have touched many lives in such a wonderful way. I know many see you as a great role model. It's my hope and prayer that God will greatly reward you for what you've done.

Our prayers are with you.

[clittlelady]

Marilyn...

I don't when you'll get a chance to read this, but just a reminder, I love you and God loves you. Feel his presence. Inhale his comforter he has sent to you. As your tears flow, keep in mind, there will be no tears in our next world, in our heaven God has prepared for us, only joy. The Bible tells us he knows the very number of hairs on our head. I'm confident he knows where you are and what you need at this moment. He is our shelter in the storm. Your Sister-in-law and Mother are in my prayers, as well as you.

Your Friend...

Connie

[clittlelady]

Mark.........

Yes, as long as there is life, there is hope. When my Mother first experienced several fractures in her spine due to the osteoporosis, she was in such intense pain. There was nerve involvement and her little body was so frail. She lived several years with that pain off and on, mostly on. That is when she saw her independence slipping away, as did I. I ran across a little plaque in town one day and it read "Faith isn't Faith, Until It's ALL Your Holding Onto." I bought it for her and hung it on the wall where she could read it daily. I mean, people talk about faith all the time, but it is only when you are hanging by the very last thread, that you realize exactly what Faith is. The more we use it, the stronger it becomes. That's the only reason I've been able to Continue. I was taught at an early age about faith and many times witnessed my Mother hang to it, when there seemed to be nothing else. After being put through some of lifes hard trials and tests, I have learned that after all, Faith is ALL I needed anyway, to get me through.

Gosh, I wish we would have all been neighbors. We'll all meet one day. The Bible says we will know as we are known. We will know each others spirits and the love and friendships that we've developed in this very computerized world. Mark, I remember watching Star Trek (when it wasn't in reruns) and all the futuristic computers with the big knobs and buttons. Here we are, beyond the knobs and buttons. Now it's possible to "post"(new term for type) on a "message board" (new term for letter) and "send" (new term for mail) it to someone you'll never see in this life. I feel like I should have on a tight leotard suit. Sorry... just trying to put a smile in your heart for a moment. The thought of me in a leotard, well, I just made myself nauseated smiling).

My husband and I will know tomorrow night whether the union he is a member of and the company he works for, will reach a contract agreement. They'v been in negotiations for months. It doesn't look good. It looks like we're polishing up our faith here. The company has already moved in trailers on the grounds to house scabs. They have actually already sent these people into the plant to be trained by the union members. My husband had received a letter that if they didn't cooperate with the training of these people, that was grounds for dismissal. They're training in three days on jobs that ordinarily takes months for the workers to become qualified and certified in. This is a major chemical plant and has many hazardous materials. This plant had an explosion back in '91. My husband had just worked off of his shift and was meeting me for lunch when we saw all the ambulances and fire trucks and news trucks flying past the cafe we were at. He lost 9 of his coworks and his boss and hundreds of injuries of workers and townspeople. So tragedy has struck this place in the past. I pray that it does not come to a lock out or a strike, not ony for the security of their jobs, but the safety of the town. It is about 35 miles from where we actually live. My husband is onl 5 years from retiring. I've seen the concern in his eyes, but we've both put it in God's hands. We've been through some rough times and God has always brought us through and set us on not just high ground, but Higher Ground. I'm asking for his will to be done. If you don't mind, send a prayer up for us regarding this matter. Thanks... Hope I wasn't intruding by sharing all that... guess I just needed to vent.

A reminder, I'll keep you both lifted up in prayer, as well as the rest of your family. I'm sending a cyber bouquet of Yellow Roses, White Daisies and Baby's Breath, with a touch or two of green fern to you both.

I wish I could sleep (yawn).. When I lie down, I become wide awake. Just don't sleep very well when hubby is gone all night. I'll go to work tomorrow looking like a racoon (dark circles). Concealer just isn't what it use to be. Okay, I've got to go now... Mark, I'm talking to you like you're a woman.... sorry!

God Bless until next time...

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Afternoon: It is good to see how often we each come for support. It feels as if I carry a vessel and scoop up strength and face life for a spell. I know there is more strength here when I want and need it. God is good to me.

My nephew is here and the family is making arrangements for my brother at this moment. I have lost so much weight I am wondering what is appropriate to wear for his funeral. You know, I don't want to go. I feel that everyone will say, "yeah, she's the sick one." You know, if we had paid more attention we might have noticed how sick my brother was.

I know I can't redo things and regrets are useless unless applied toward future behavior, but I can't help kick myself. Even now, there is nothing I can do to help other than lend my little sister my car. She loves it.

She loves driving it and my mother loves knowing it is not available for me to drive. I know they have wanted to ask for my keys for more than a week but they knew that it would rile me up. It was with great relief that my sister accepted my offer.

My nephew is a big fellow. She has a toyota, medium size car. My seats go way back and although it is a small lincoln it is more roomy than hers. I could almost her my mother's sigh of relief when my sister told her I was giving her my car. I love families.

I feel that we each hold each other's heart with such care. Isn't support neat? So much better than going it alone. Now, looking back, I don't know why I ever tried to go it alone.

I feel that we will meet again and we will know each other there as we knew each other here. I feel as if I knew you when I first logged on. Has anyone sensed that before? Was my need so great that I made it real?

Our minds and psyches, time is so short, I feel as if I am only beginning to learn great truths and it is near the end. Why did I tarry? Did you?

I'm working on a letter to send to my support group. A couple of members have called. How can I say, 'You were important then, but I have moved on." It isn't that they weren't important at that moment but that chapter is over and finished. Is that callous?

Love and Peace

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, before I start saying anything about your husband's job, I must thank you for the cyber bouquet. My wife's favorite flower is the yellow rose. You brought such sentimental tears, just thinking of a few happier moments from long ago.

Faith. yeah, I know that string, and even heard it pinging like it would snap, but it never has. It makes up the things we hope for, so dream big inside your faith.

I will be in constant prayer about the job situation. I've been through a few strikes, and used the bumper of my rig to break more than one gate. Fortunately, my ex and I were on holiday in the States when the big one hit nationally. I remember guys getting hit with kegs of nails, leaving them with 12 to 18 flat tires. Please try to remember the Scriptures, when David said "I have never seen the righteous begging for bread." God will provide what you need for your marriage, home, each other, and yourselves. Trust that, please.

Although it's been some time, I'll remember to pray for the families affected by that catastrophe. I'm also praying your husband can remain strong and healthy, and employed until retirement. I've been semi-retired for over a decade, but also playing a few gigs here and there. I'm blessed to have this arrangement, so I have time for my children and grandson (promise I won't get started bragging about him - hehehe).

I really don't mind how you talk to me, because I'd rather have you talk in a way you're comfortable and relaxed. Friends aren't worried about silk stocking formality, but in the privilege of spending time with their friends.

Thanks for being here. Oh, I agree in the neighbor issue, yet I know we'll have eons in Paradise to sing and dance and pray. What a reunion, get togeter, and dinner banquet! You're a dear friend, and I hold that precious as gold.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, going it alone is something I was good at. The family life I grew up in was turbulent and harsh. I'll just say the first time I ran away from home, I was only 4 years old. That bad. In my wife's family, I've learned to love family, and cherish the moments we have together. Even after my wife is gone, I still want to be close to her family. Just one of those choices I made.

It's sweet of you to loan your car like this. For family, you created a blessing. May this return to you many times over. And, moving on when the support is no longer needed isn't a sign of rejection, but of growth. Please look at it positively, knowing you are becoming someone truly wonderful. We can see the beautiful person inside the beautiful Marilyn. You are a treasure to know. May God bless you for allowing us the opportunity to know you.

Keep yourself well, and know you are in our prayers, always. A hug for my friend, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm back again. Soaking up support. But also wanting to send hope. Sometimes, I know logically that things will work out but I need to be reminded of a time past that worked out well. Do you have any of those at the front of your mind?

I confess something. I love my nurse and I have the perfect social worker. But i have gone through two chaplains. I feel ashamed that I haven't been able to connect. I can see where they stepped wrong but I can't see my part.

Lately, i have been a little off kilter with the world. My God, I started out to say something good and I'm already whining. Can you believe me? Do I have cabin fever?

The whole jyst of this is that when I first got sober, i was afraid God was going to strike me down for all the crap in my past. Well, this person my sponsor recommended just talked with me and helped me come to a better understanding.

He called last night when I was in the shower. When I listened to the voice mail I could not help but think "God sent him at just the right moment." There was a reason the chaplains and I couldn't connect. It doesn't natter what it was because now this fellow is going to act as my spiritual advisor. Is that not neat?

I do a lot of whining and forget to mention the good stuff sometimes. Connie, Mark, B, it's good and bad. We wouldn't want it all the same. That would be like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with only one or the other. Incomplete.

Okay, that's my profound thought for the day. I love you. Love and Peace. I'm enjoying my flowers and I warm myself in Marks understanding. For B, you go, Girl.

[clittlelady]

Hi Friends... Need you guys tonight..... My husband left for work tonight and he just called to say they sent the workers home. He will be here in about forty five minutes. He said he would tell me everyting then. I don't know if they fired them on the spot or what. I heard the crack in his voice. He's such a strong, gentle man, quiet and loving. Pray for us.

[bahiyya]

Good Morning All!

A lot going on with us all. You are right Marilyn it is like have a variety of eats and not being forced to eat one or two things. Life is like that, it is filled with choices, selections, wonders, marvels, surprises, etc. We as humans then label them "good" and "bad". Black and white, up and down, etc. One of the great truths I've learned is that there is no good, bad or other, there is only our perception of the situation.

It's like the story of the man who lived well, surrounded by loving family, etc. His son, wanting to please his father, went to capture the most spirit-filled stallion in the hillsides and as a result the son was injured. The townspeople come to the man to have him confess to some sin that was bore by his son, thus resulting in the injury. They told him he was responsible for this bad thing that happened to his son. The man, clear-eyed and clear thinking responds to the townspeople. "Whose to say what's good or bad?"

Shortly after the incident war errupts in his country and all available young men are called to the front. The son of the man cannot go, because of his injury. The youngmen of the town are surrounded by their enemy and slaughtered. Solumly, the townspeople approach the man and ask for his forgiveness for falsly accusing him. Instead, they believe it is there sins that have now fallen on their sons. They have caused this bad thing to happen. Again, the wise man turns to them and says, "Whose to say what's good or bad?"

The reason I see this as such profound universal lesson is that whatever is before us, we are only looking from the human perspective. In our confusion and need to define we start immediately giving it form by labeling it -- good, bad. God sees everything. God knows the way in and the way out, the way all around it. Since God is Alpha and Omega, has no beginning or end, He/She has already seen and according to the scriptures calls it all GOOD.

Is it difficult, yes, of course. But Mark said something the other day about as long as there is life there is hope that I would like to dovetail on -- the test of anything is how it performs under pressure. Whether it be metal, a car seat, a glass door or a human. The true test is how it performs under pressure -- that's what we call integrity.

From what I can tell you all have it (integrity) en masse. I love talking and sharing with you all. I've taken more than I could ever give.

Marilyn, Mark, Connie -- know that you are dear to me. I surround you all in love and accept the kindness and love that you give to me and today I call it all good.

Peace,

b

[bahiyya]

For Connie

Ask Marilyn to share her Rubbermade story with you.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

I hope I have the right story. Apparently my first attempt was wrong because I tried to post it and my modem had errored or some darn thing.

When I got sober, I had no job skills. I got a job in a plastics factory. I operated a press that made rubbermaid lawn chairs. We stacked them six high, shrink-wrapped them and then stacked another six on that six. Yeah, physical work. I had six-pack abs.

Anyway, one night when I reached to set the six on six something snapped. I was off work. Even after therapy I was left with a lift limit. I could not return to job. I could not find a job because I had no skills.

At the lowest point, I applied at Burger King. AA is an honest program, I was honest on application about lift limit. Well, they rejected me because i could not lift 40 pounds.

On the way home, I ask God "Am I really just a worn-out, broke-down, white woman that is useless?" I was desolate. People joke about you can always work fast food. I had been rejected by fast food.

That evening someone called and told me that they heard of this agency that would help me learn some job skills. The next day, I went there. They tested me and told me a couple of days later they would pay for a college degree if I wanted college.

My whole life changed. I cried when the fellow told me the results of my testing. At most, I had hoped to learn something vocational. He said if I kept my grade acceptable they would pay books and tuition. I felt like God had dropped a present in my lap.

A couple of weeks later, I had a date with the social security judge because I had ask for temporary help until I could get on my feet. I didn't have a lawyer. They offered to postpone my date so I could get one. I told them, "I've prayed, I don't need one."

The judge granted the disability. He told me to go be a counselor. When leaving, I didn't have enough gas to get to my mother's house but I had to stop and call her and tell her not only would I get to go to college but now the judge had seen fit to grant my disability.

Loosing that job is the best thing that could have happened to me. I would have worked there the rest of my life and been proud to have it but God had something better for me.

I hope that was the story. I have some funny ones but that gives me inspiration. I love stories. Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

Since that posted successfully I will continue. I am so thankful y'all let me ramble. I put this in the other post, the one that got lost, I think maybe I need to say it again. I don't think it should have got lost.

A while back, I told myself that if God made me sit down with his illness, I would just stop the clock. You know what I mean. I can't type it. Well, the second day I was home, before I realized I was not getting back up, I found this board. Stopping the clock has not crossed my mind. At all. I almost get chills thinking about it. Today is the first time I remembered what I told myself.

God has been too good to me through everything. B, you are right, it is our perception. Some people see half-full others see half-empty. When I think of all the jobs I've ever had, for me to land where they love me and appreciate me is just too humbling for me to understand.

My boss saved my life insurance and medical insurance and I still have time to go. I can't express to him how grateful I am. He laughs and says, "Marilyn, this kind of stuff is fun for me, it is like a game." I think he is on a mission from God.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox. Hey, I finished the letter to my old support group. I wanted them to know how important they had been but that I had moved on. A friend helped me so that I wouldn't offend with my humor.

Lately, my jokes have missed the mark. Did I tell you about my mom? Another post, anyway, I thought something would be funny, it was in extrememly poor taste.

Love and Peace.

[bahiyya]

Connie

So you see Marilyn's story - the seeming closing of one door was the best thing that could have happened to her.

Hope this gives hope to you and your husband.

b

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

I'M so glad you got the point. I know you like stories -- here's one of my favorites.

Once upon a time there was a king who had two sons. One was a pessimist, the other an optimist. As the king's days drew near, he was concerned about the well being of his sons and decided to devise a plan that would teach them a final lesson.

The king had his servants to fill one room to the brim with all of the "things" a child could desire. In that room he placed his pessimistic son. The second room was filled with horse manure, this is the room he ordered his optimistic son placed.

During the course of the day the king decided to check on his sons. He checked on the first son and found him sitting in the room crying. The king asked his son what was the matter and the son replied, I don't know which "thing" to select first. Disappointed, the king left the room and moved to his second son.

In that room the king found his son busily shoveling manure in piles. The king was amazed and asked his son, what he was doing. To the father's inquiry the son replied excitedly -- father, don't you realize, with all of this manure, there must be a pony in there somewhere.

Again, it is all in our perspective.

Peace and Blessings

b