I Am Dying...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, lots of tears reading what you wrote. You are one of several telling me these same things for the past week. I hate this process passionately. Losing control means more than not being able to call the shots on her behalf. I'm afraid, so afraid that I can "lose it" in a breath. She continues to bombard me with silly notions, like finding someone else so I can be "happy." I'm happy right here, right now, beside her. But, even so, I can't bear to see her suffering so much. I'm feeling very tired, way too tired now. I'll write more later, but for now, I need to get some sleep. I'm praying for you, my dear friend. Take good care of yourself (or I may get worried). Always here for you, Me

[lauraa]

Marilyn,

I am praying for you my sister. Rest your beautiful soul and god will take care of all the rest......Peace for you today my friend....

Hey Mr. Mark, Times are real rough for me right now but I am from "touch stock", with 9 brothers that made me that way....please don't you worry about me but I do appreciate you thinking of me and praying for me....I am just in unfamiliar territory and it is freightening. Plus, I have my worries for my kids.....it's a real juggling act....I am o.k. my friend....just mending my broken heart. Don't know if it can be fixed but perhaps mended to be able to cope.......restall my friends, rest!

[bahiyya]

Beloved Sister Marilyn

I felt something going on with you -- I kept checking the board yesterday throughout the day looking for a message - found your message this morning.

You are such a brave and wonder-filled individual -- I am so pleased that God saw fit to merge our paths -- you have been strength, laughter and kindness to and for me and others -- now it is time to turn that kindness and love inward. Please take care of yourself -- give yourself, your body temple, the time it needs to do its work. Relax and realize that your spirit continues where the physical body tires.

I love you Marilyn --

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Family: Thank you for understanding. I have told myself stupid messages like, "I can die, but I cannot be sick." Well, how rational was I? I can do whatever God has planned for me. By telling myself negative messages I'

ve just drug my feet. Funny how clear things are looking back.

I went to prison December 19, 1986. I was released on Halloween of 87. I wrote a lot of letters. My mom kept every letter and has asked me for years to compile them into some genre of literature. I found those letters the other day ande have begun to work oon them.

My arm is beginningh Love and peace. Lsgtyet

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

Love the idea of your writings being collected and saved -- I continue in my prayers for you.

Love,

b

[lauraa]

Marilyn.....I also love the idea you are compiling your letters....Looking back I am sure you are touching your own soul thru your own writings. I am sure they were precious to your mother. God has broad shoulders I am told....he can handle whatever we need to give to him.....You are one of his children and he loves you! Take care of your pains today and rest your mind, body and soul.....your spirit will rise!

Love,

Laura

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, with that many brothers, I say you're right about the "tough stock". But still, we all go through this grief in our own way, and it hits each of us emotionally where we're vulnerable. The good news for today is, we're all set for the daytime care facility. I can sleep days, care for her nights, and this way I'm sleeping enough. She'll start in about a week, hopefully. I'm sorry you're under so many stressful things now. Like a dear friend told me, get the rest you need, please. This is a very long road, and you're carrying a lot on your shoulders. When you need to stop and rest, I pray you can have the peace and quiet you deserve. It's easy to see you are a very loving and devoted mom to your children. Take care of yourself. I'll talk soon.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, the letters are a great idea. Your family will appreciate reading, not just your letters, but your growth as a person. This shows how much you care. Lots to say, but I'm on the phone with my daughter, so I'll write later. luv ya sister, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark,

I am so,so happy about Mary getting the care she so deserves and needs....You do, too! Now, I can rest and not worry about you crashing from exhaustion.....I know May is a rough month for you (not that all the others aren't) and I will keep you in my heart...Remember, Jenny is with you always. It is a rough month for me and the tears are flowing right along with the rain.......Rest my friend...............

[marilynwhite3049]

Hello, Loved Onces: Today I have not felt well. Actually, for the last couple of days. But, I have been putting the letters from prison in order by date. After that, I read and grouped each month.

I believe I learned things there that supported me through this illness. I wouldn't recommend anyone go to prison but if you go, get something from it if you can.

I feel differently about the experience after reading the letters, I'm not sure what I feel but somehow it took all of my life to prepare me for the end. I hope I learned well.

I believe I am entering into the final stages. Trouble breathing, edema which is swelling. Only my arm is swelling, it could be worse. Also, I really want to isolate. Ponder my thoughts. Visit with yall.

I read the board numerous times throughout the day. I want to respond but know it will be limited. I gain my strength and courage and faith and hope from you.

B, you have let me tag along with you. As if I am still pursuing grad school. Mark, you comfort me. Connie, I cannot thank you enough for helping me with my relationship with my mother. People who have come and gone, new people like Laura, everyone brings something that I need.

Arm huirtion

[lauraa]

Marilyn,

I wish that I could sit with you and hold you in my arms. Close your eyes and image me doing that....would you please......thank you for this time I have shared with you. You cannot image the gift you have given to me reading your beautiful post. I know it is difficult for you to write and that you read when you can but always know I am thinking of you and praying for you.....Sleep tight my friend!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, I pray you can feel his presence for Mother's Day. As a guy, I know I can't come close to knowing how you feel this weekend, but my heart is with you. Thank you for thinking about us. You help me through the feelings of isolation. I appreciate this so much. Hope you get some rest this weekend, as in your children letting their dear mom sleep in for a bit. Maybe they'll even make you breakfast in bed??? Talk to you soon. Happy Mother's Day, my dear friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, the gift of strength you receive from your friends, your "family" here, is a reciprocal gift. You give me as much and maybe more than I give you. Please take good care of yourself as you journey through this time. In a way, I guess we're journeying with you, in our spirits. As painful as this is for you to type, I'd like to offer you this: I'm willing to let you have my phone number, so you can call and talk if this is easier for you. I'm also willing to share your messages and wisdom and love with the rest of our group. This is completely your choice, and I'd never offer this to you for any other reason than to help you, and to be a friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you for Mother's Day, and my best wishes that you have the very best Mother's Day. My prayers are with you through the night and tomorrow. luv ya, Mark

[lauraa]

Mark,

As a woman I could also say on Father's day that couldn't know how you feel....but, I think they are much the same....We are parents....! Also, please know you can contact me whenever you need extra help to be lifted.....Please wish Mary a Happy Mothers Day.

[bahiyya]

My Dear Sister and Companion

It is I that have tagged along with you -- you have, and continue to be the "Wind Beneath my Wings" -- you are a champion, a victorious spirit, I think and speak of your courage and valor often. I can only imagine how you have touched the lives of many as I know you have touched my life in this time. God is wonderful to bring together such a crowd as our cyber-family and to help us realize how important we are to each other. This is a blesing indeed.

I agree with Mark, you give much more than you ever receive and I join with our other family member to thank you for touching our lives in such a power-filled way.

I know you are tired, I know you are still having pain -- but when you feel the time is right -- rest gently in the arms of our Mother/Father God and may Angels attend to your needs and desires.

You are loved -- unconditionally --

Your sister,

b

Happy Mothers' Day

[bahiyya]

Mark --

You define kindness and generosity -- how wonderful of you to offer your phone number to our sister so that she can save her arm for hugging. If she takes you up on the offer, please keep us updated -- I know you will --

I'm pleased to hear that you are getting some well deserved rest during the day and spending the evening hours with your Beloved Soulmate. Give her a hug for me today and wish her a Happy Mothers' Day. Give yourself a hug and wish yourself from me a Happy Nurturers' Day.

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thanks, ladies. This has been a long and painful weekend. My father had a stroke last night, and his (censored) wife made him wait til this morning to get an ambulance. I'm very upset. My mind is running out of control with everything going on right now. I'm one of those types who bottles it all up. In time, I'll let it out little by little.

Laura, you are so right. We're parents. We care about our families. Not out of requirement, but out of love. And again, you are right, we grieve as deeply as we love. By this, I gauge just how much love I have for the daughter I never met. I've passed your greeting to my sweetie. Maybe, if you don't mind, I'll write later on and let you in on what's bugging me so much. It's deep and entangled, so I'm sheepish about piling it onto all you already have.

A hug for you all, Me

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm back to the Family: I rode to the support group with one of the members. They have a system of calling and offering a ride Monday afternoon, that way I don't have to ask for one. I know what they are doing and I appreciate their kindness. One even said tonight that she would have lots of trouble asking people for rides and stuff. Maybe I am supposed to be in the group, if nothing else just to model the going-down behavior.

Mark, thank you for your kind offer. May I take a raincheck? It is kinda like the oxygen, at first, I said "If I have to take that, I won't go." Well, this afternoon I was trying to figure it out.

B, Connie, Laura, y'all seem to act as angels. When I am down you write something that is just what I need to hear. I feel as if I could pick Connie out of a crowd. This cyberspace is a great material for communication. I am grateful I discovered it.

Arm hurting, maybe laterr.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm so happy they offer you the ride. This is such an act of kindness. You are perfectly fine with the raincheck. Just wondering if it would help. Please take care of yourself, and I hope you can tell that we're praying for you. Sometimes I may not find the right words in my head for what I'd like to say, and I always feel badly about saying something wrong. Anyhow, at the risk of saying it wrong, I feel like there's a pain somewhere in my heart knowing that you are hurting. My prayers are with you. Try to get some extra rest, and we'll visit later on.

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

The ride system to the support group is a great idea. You all can always look at it as a way to help the ecology by NOT using multiple gas burning cars.

I hope you are feeling better and that today is a good day -- take care of that arm and we'll talk later.

b

[bahiyya]

Mark

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I can just imagine you have a few choice words you would like to share with his wife. I know I would be upset and angry myself if that happened in my family.

Please keep us posted about his condition and keep yourself energized for the days ahead. You continue to be in my prayers.

Peace and Blessings,

Bahiyya

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, oh, so you heard me yelling that far away? hehehe. What a way to destroy Mothers Day. She's not a step mother, so I think that tells you how much tension there is between us. I don't like talking about my childhood living conditions in public. As it is, you'd find it hard to believe if I wrote it to you privately. I talked with my mother in law tonight about my wife going to a day nursing home. She thinks this will be a good adjustment time for me, so I can get accustomed to her not being home. Whether the illness takes her from me all too soon, or she's placed permanently in a nursing home, this transition time is good for us all here. I love my mother in law so much. She's so wise and loving. Take care, and thank you for the engergy you send to us. I'll talk with you soon. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I pray you've been able to enjoy a good day or two. I also pray you can get enough rest. We're doing alright up in the polar region. I'm beginning to think about the changes ahead for me as we go into the next step of our journey. May you receive all you need for today. luv ya, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings, Family: I am glad to read your posts. We seem to keep each other afloat. The trials and tribulations might be different in ways but one of us have experienced the feelings before and guide our partner thourgh the scary terrain. I am so thankful for you.

Yes, my disease is progressing. Physically, my body gets weaker and harder to work but mentally I am still working on projects. I thank God he gave me the courage and strength to make this an adventure instead of a scary house ride from the county fair.

Now, I am compiling letters from prison into some form of literature, memoir, autobiography, I don't know. In reading the letters, I gained some real insight into the person I was in 1986-87. I was sick and lost. That is where my transformation began. Maybe that isn't a lot of insight but it felt significant when I realize how selfish I was to my mother.

I trust everyone is getting good things sprinkled with some real dastardly stuff. But it does make the good stuff better. Don't you think?

Arm is hurthing, feel fortunate to write this long. I love you, pray with and for you, and believe our paths will cross again. Love and Peace

[lauraa]

Marilyn,

I hope organizing and going through your letter is helping you....sounds like it is. It also sounds like you have come along way since those years.

I hope you are comfortable and doing what you need to do for strength each and everyday. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I always check this site daily to see how you are doing. I am praying for you....and just want you to know that you inspire me.

[clittlelady]

Dear Friends, MARILYN, MARK, B, AND LAURA:

I've missed you guys. Each day I've prayed for you all and each situation that you are in the middle of. I've been on a low note since Mother's Day. Just felt too low to post. That sounds like a cop out, huh? I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. This whole years of firsts has really been tough. I think Mother's Day hurt more than any of the birthdays or holidays. If I can, I would like to share with you a special day, the day Before Mother's Day. My son was determined to spend the most of the weekend with me. My husband was working days and I had planned to buy a spray of beautifully colored artificial flowers to adorn where my Mother is buried, in this quiet little country cemetary, in the parish where she was born. She rests next to her Mother and Father and two sisters and one brother and a great aunt. My son pleaded with me to let him accompany me to "select the right spray", so he did. He was so into selecting "just the right ones". He chose purple because that was the color dress she was buried in, one of her favorite colors. We put them in the back of my car, put the top down and he drove us, just the two of us, on our 65 mile journey to the country side. Away we went, cruising down the country highway cut between the rich, dark soil that has cotton planted on one side and corn on the other. As we traveled that road, I couldn't help but remember the trip as we traveled it, behind the hearse only nine months ago, I cried each mile of the way. We arrived at the cemetary where old historical graves, military heroes and just plain country folk rest, of all ages and races. Mother has a concrete vault halfway above ground. We arranged the spray over her vault and lovingly and respectfully pulled weeds from my grandparents' and my other relatives' graves. We then sat on the green lush grass next to my Mother's vault. We talked. We shared many thoughts and memories. He cried. I couldn't. My son's realization of our mortality has really hit him in a very hard way. He is doing much soul searching and I pray his vision for his own life will become much richer through this experience of loss and grief. We just sat there for a while, the breeze reminding us that we move through this life just that swiftly, as it roams across the neighboring tall, grassy fields. As we prepared to leave, he walked before me to the car. I stayed behind for a moment and placed my hand on her vault. As I called out to her, "Oh Momma, I Love You.", I reminded myself that she wasn't there, only her sweet little vehicle, but still it is all I can physically touch of her now. The sun's warmth seemed to embrace me and encourage me to let go. I walked away. My son drove us back home, again with the car's top down, trying desperately to feel life again, we were both quiet for miles. I made him promise me that we would share that day and that Mother's day, we would not grieve, but enjoy our relationship and count our blessings, and we did. My Mother and I had always had a tradition, as we also shared with my grandmother when she was alive, that on Mother's day, you would wear a corsage of white roses if your Mother was deceased and a corsage of red roses if she was still alive. As I little girl, I remember wearing my first red rose to church with Momma. The Friday before Mother's Day, My husband sent me a dozen white roses to work, he said because he knew it was the first without her and that this is my first year for white roses, he would make sure I had them. God, I love that Man! He is my Rock.

I'm not sure if I've shared the family turmoil with all of you that arose surrounding the final days of my Mother's illness and her death and I won't go into details now, but I gave my attorney the rest of his retainer fee this week, to proceed with the lawsuit against my Mother's Estate, namely the Executor, My eldest Brother, to recoup all the money that he owes me for burying our Mother. It made me physically sick to finalize this arrangement, because I know It won't be long now before I have to see him again. It's all so hurtful. Opening the wound all over again.

All of this has kept me very quiet and withdrawn from everyone, except my husband and son. Don't want to even talk to my friends. I just haven't felt myself.

I know I've been selfish and I ask your forgiveness, for I care deeply for each of you and what each of you are living through. You have all been so supportive and have given so much of yourselves. This little family here, is truly a special unit.

And Yes MARILYN, YOU COULD PICK ME OUT OF A CROWD. I feel our bond, our friendship, all we've shared is such a rare jewel. I hope your physical pain lessens and your spirit continues to grow richer as each day goes by. You are a wealth of strength and goodness. Each day I look forward to reading your posts. Even if I haven't been posting, I've been reading and each time I see your name, my heart says "YES, YES", my friend is here. Know that you are loved. You've made a difference in my life and that of many others as well.

MARK: As always, I'm hoping God's Moonlight is sending you and your Sweetie rest, as tomorrow's sun energizes your soul. I am so sorry to hear of your Father's failing health and the surrounding circumstances. I wish it were different for you. I'm praying. Please keep us updated. Brother, be strong. Rest in God's arms. Let him carry you. You are not a mountain. Feel his presence.

B: Gosh, wish we could just sit down over coffee. Your wisdom and heart are of a special breed of person. I hope you rub off on all those around you. The world needs more B's.

LAURA: I pray that each day brings you more of what you need. Grief is the hardest mountain I've ever had to climb and I haven't suffered the losses that you have. I only know that it has truly taught me, one day at a time. Your wisdom, strength and encouragement that you lend are from the purest of heart, for you offer it from a heart that is still mending itself.

God Bless You All this night. I wish a big taste of happiness, in some form, for us all for tomorrow. Love Ya.

Connie.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'd buy your book or autobiography, no matter when you can got it published. You're completely right, that our histories color our present and make us wiser and more thankful for who we truly are. I get so concerned and worried about your arm hurting this much. If we were closer, I'd offer to do whatever I could to help you (but alas, it's about fifteen hundred miles one way). I'm praying you're able to rest and also have the wherewithal to continue your letter compilation. Take good care of yourself, please. a hug for a friend, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, feeling low and grieved is never a "copout". I pray you'd never feel like there's someone watching over your shoulder, waiting to judge you for now typing a certain number of words each day. There is no judgment here, only compassion and empathy. I'm very sorry the feelings have been holding your heart down. What a terrific son you have, and so considerate of his mom. No doubt, this is a derivative effect of you being such a dear and wonderful mom to him. Even when these days bring us pain, we can still find enjoyment in them, because we are blessed to share them with our loving, beautiful children. So far, I'm still holding onto my own sanity here. Monday will be rough for me. It's been ten years since Jenni was taken from us. Her adoptive parents told me something that is a mirror of my own feelings. Ten years after her death, these wounds still pound with pain. Lord, I would love to have her back, even though I know she's having so much fun with You in Heaven. Connie, my dear friend, please give yourself some space just for you. This is your journey and you need to have time just for you. I'm praying for you all, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Friends: Today has been a better day. I believe the radiation has me worn to a frazzle and I will be back closer to normal soon. My Mom came and spent the afternoon with me. We had a good visit.

The documentary people are here. They dropped in for a few minutes. I showed them around the facility, the activity room, the library, pool table room, exercise room, etc.

I liked both girls. They said a male would be joining them at some point. We had good vibes, or I did anywya. I had been dreading this but now am kind looking forward to it again. I guess one of the blessings of cancer is that I learned to really look for what is important, kick the trivia stuff out of the way.

I love yall. I can't think of a better bunch to share this spiritual journey, laughing, seeing beauty, gaining insights, Love and Peac.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, hearing that today was a good day for you makes me soooooo happy. Radiation wipes people out for a while, and it takes a lot to recover. Please take sweet, gentle care of yourself. The documentary is going to be such a blessing to us all. Thank you for taking part in it. I hope I can acquire a copy of this when it's complete. Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a dear friend. On days when I'm stressed to the limit trying to care for my wife, and help her with her own stress of facing a terminal illness, then also being dad to teenagers, I have to admit that just reading a few precious words from you picks up my soul, or kicks me in the backside, whichever I may need. Thank you for sharing your compassion with us. I consider your friendship a genuine blessing, a gift, and a treasure. Please take care of yourself. Hopefully, you're arms will improve so the pain won't bother you while you type. My prayers are with you. Luv and prayer my friend, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Thank you for all the support, Family: I really don't think I could have made these past few hurdles without you. I pray for God to bless you with strength and courage for each day. I ask Him to guide you in the best direction. The painful things I can only ask for you to gain strength and hope. He hasn't let me down yet.

They interruption

[bahiyya]

Family

Good to hear and feel everyone -- Connie, so very glad to hear from you -- again, I must echo Mark -- everyone here understands just wanting and needing some time to try to sort it all out -- you do what you must do for yourself and we will support your every move.

That coffee idea sounds like a good one -- wouldn't it be good for a minute for us all to get together and just chat? I can imagine it now -- Marilyn in her blonde wig (and of course you and I would remember to bring her daytime crown) Mark with his warm smile and outstretched arms to embrace us all and his beautiful wife standing by his side. You and I arranging the silver tray and just the right cookies to make the visit perfect. Then we would sit and talk and laugh and enjoy the company of old friends -- yes, what an image. Perhaps there would be a knock at the door and Laura would join us bringing a beautiful spring bouquet of flowers and little by little all of our friends from this board and from times past would come to share the blessing of friendship and love. Your Mom would drop by to share a story, my grandmother and father would come by (my grandmother with one of her delicious date cakes) yummm. Mark's Jen would drop in and update us about her adventures and Laura's husband would follow closely surprising Laura and giving her a BIG hug and kiss. As I gaze out the window, there's Marilyn's brother and my friends Barry and Pat. I would turn to you and say, Ohmygosh Connie, I had no idea how many invitations you sent. You would smile at me and assure me that everything had been taken care of and I would nod in agreement. As the numbers grow the energy of love, peace and joy fill your home and all who are extended the grace of God take a sign of relief -- some not understanding why -- but for that moment in time -- for that instant -- all is well with the world, there is peace in our universe and we simply close our eyes and imagine the love.

and so it is

b

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

I'm so very pleased to hear that you are continuing to gather your letters and other memoirs. What a wonderful activity and throughtful process for you to complete along with your documentary.

Isn't it interesting to look back and see where we've come from? I recommend to everyone to journal in some fashion or other -- it is remarkable to see the journey through old and new eyes.

I smiled when I thought of you picking Connie out in a crowd. I bet you could -- I think I could as well. Connie has such a wonderful nurturing spirit -- a real sincere heart -- I can just imagine her warm smile and gentle eyes. Yes, I believe I could spot her -- tap her on the shoulder and as she turned -- give her a big hug. But in lieu of meeting her and the rest of the family in person, I send to you, Mark, Laura and Connie a Big Sunday afternoon cyber hug.

Take care of yourself -- see the blessing you are -- affirm that Life is Good.

b

[bahiyya]

Mark

I'm glad to know that you are getting some much needed physical rest. It is a wise man who recognizes and respond to his needs so that he can respond to the needs of others -- I see you as a wise man.

I trust your father is better and receiving care from more nurturing hands.

You know what I've discovered, individuals who can't see themselves as God in the flesh cannot see others either. Those are the folks who are in pain and torment for whatever reasons they elect -- the unfortunate thing is that "hurt people, hurt people" and they always seem to make their way around to spread their venom. Today I join with you to bind in love the energy of those types of individuals as we pray for their awakening.

I surround you in love as your mourn the physical transition of your daughter and I celebrate with you her continued life, joy and happiness in the regions beyond our eyesight.

Take care -- be well,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

I apologize for the abrupt exit earlier today. The documentary people are here. We did a lot today. I am tired. Mathilde assured me we would go at a slower pace in future.

It's a good adventure. I'd never told about how they piece movies or film into coherent story. Over and over and over again until you get it right. It was fun.

I'm not sure what's on the agenda tomorrow. Possibly my doctor. I am rambling on about my adventures and have failed to acknowledge your hurts. I am sorry for that.

When I sense your pain I generally ask God if I might share some of it. I hope he lets me, I think he lets me. I try to figure things out. One theory about this board being so awesome is that God allows us to share our pains and our joys. We are on a journey together. I do not think we crossed paths by accident.

I had something to learn from each of you, hopefully something to pass along, also. I can not imagine a world without you. Each and everyone of you.

Arm is pllayuing out. Love and Peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, just a note to say thank you so much. A lot of tears today. They still run down my face, ten years after she was brutally killed. I'll be back later on to talk, but I think I need a little nap for now. Again, thank you for thinking of us and giving so much support. luv ya, Me

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: It's a little late for me but I felt the urge to at least check in. Today, I was off from the docu. Dr. Gast told me when I put in a day like Sonday, then I can expect to feel like I felt Tuesday. Everyone has said "Pace yourself" but I have always gone zipping through life.

I must learn to slow down. This has been a learning year. Some of the learning has been great, some of it is downright gross. I know these bodies are only shelters for our spirit while in this form but the way illness can disfigure it and almost make a scary toy of you is funny, sometimes, but sometimes it hard to laugh about stuff.

I have thought of myself as self=reliant, tough, fair. This year has taught me I can be whiny, hateful, totally unself-reliant. God saved some hard lessons for the end. It's a blessing. If I had known this stuff earlier I would have lived my life differently. I think I have lived pretty well, I mean happily for the last 17 years, I'm grateful that God has seen fit to put me somewhere comfortable to live, has surrounded me with friends I never knew I had.

Pretty much after prison, I didn't believe in real friends. They were a nice illusion but I didn't totally trust people. I missed a lot of good apportunities.

I pray for you, I ask for God's will in our lives every day. Sometimes, I think I know what that should be, but I have never been right because there have been times when I went with my will instead of God's. It works best for me to do his will.

Arm going. Love and Peace.

[Guest Guest]

Marilyn: I have been reading your post for the last 4 months, I've not posted at all until tonight, my loss is to great for me to post, but reading this message board until the wee hours of the morning has connected me to all who do post.. You are such an inspiration to many, myself included. I just felt that I needed to let you know how much I admire all that you do, and the person you are. I think of you often through out each day, and pray for your comfort and peace. I truly get excited when I see that you have posted . I pray that you will continue your postings.....Im sure there are many like me who for whatever reason don't post, but read daily ...My God be with you today and always.....Your silent friend...

[bahiyya]

Family and Honored Guest

Often times I feel that you all are more real than the folks I interact with on a daily basis. Perhaps it is a verification Einstein's theory E=Mc2. As humans, sometimes we focus on the matter, but what really matters (excuse the pun) is the energy portion of that theory -- energy -- everything, everyone -- just pure energy. Fascinating to me --

OK Now I feel I'm rambling -- excuse me -- all of the above just to say that I feel each of you -- I feel the burden of your sorry and pain and I wish I could just erase it and the process before and after. I don't know the formula for that, but I know that love is the answer for everything.

Connie, Mark, Laura and Beloved Marilyn -- this is the time when humans fumble for words and expressions to lift and comfort loved ones -- I don't have the words. This is the time when we look to platitudes and expressions from the past, from books from cards -- those methods fail me as well. All I can say in these days of tears and grief and pain is that I love you all. You are my family -- as an only child, 56 years later, I have found my true family -- YOU -- and I am grateful, thankful and humbled. I love you all and I wish for you your highest and best at all times. I am never farther away than a thought.

Please take care of yourselves, please honor yourselves, please do what it takes to complete the journey in peace and harmony. Please love you as much as I do.

Peace and Blessings,

b

[lauraa]

Hello B, Mark, Marilyn and Guest,

I also feel this is my family. I have hit the two year marker of loosing my husband.....I cried for two months leading up to the date and now I feel that I am keeping so busy as not to think about it....it is so hard. People don't ask me anymore how I am or anything. It makes me sad and lonely. You guys are always here and with open hearts and words that are always comforting....thank you all!

Marilyn....I am always so happy to see you posting. I know your arm hurts so please take care tweetheart. I am praying for you and holding you near and dear daily.

B......I don't have any sisters (out of 10 kids)so I am glad to say you are my sister along with everyone else here (Mark, you are my brother)......You all hang in there and take one day at a time....that is all any of us have.

I miss my husband so much and it is so hard to have to go on without him....please could you all pray for his soul and for me to have strength. We have been together since we were 14....what do I do now? My whole outlook on life has changed....I am working my fingers to the bone in my garden to get it looking beautiful to honor my husband and to push myself to be interested in anything........thank you all for being my friend when I have felt that I have been in the bottom of a deep hole........Mark, I am sorry to hear about your neighbor. I know it has been a long hard week for you and you have been in my heart and prayers.....Jenni is in heaven! No pain, no suffering, no watching over your shoulder afraid of being hurt....only, peace, harmony, beauty, oneness and LOVE. Good night everyone and have a beautiful sleep tonight.....ask for it!

Love to all!

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Afternoon: I feel good the moment I log on and see posts. Like you, I feel that you are more real than some of the people I see daily.

The documentary has been a learning experience. A fun one most of the time but doing things over and over gets old.

The trip the Walmart was good. People were asking us what we were doing. I todlthem the truth.

Physically, I am getting closer. It is hard to swallow. I have no appetite. I am light-headed. I want to make ti through the party. If ity is God

s will I[ll make it.

arm out

[lauraa]

MArilyn,

You are going to make it! You have so much strength and will/God is your engine, girlfriend! He will raise you up on eagles wings, bare you on the breathe of dawn and make you to shine like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hands. We are his flowers here and where he is are the bouquets, never needing to be watered.....you are unbelievable and a wonderful inspiration to me and I stand in breathlessness reading your words. You are in my heart daily. Rest my friend and feel the cool breeze of the springtime on your face and know it is god blowing kisses to you!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, reading what you sent me, I feel like I could hug you. Thank you. Jennifer is with our Lord, as is your dear and loving husband. If I can tell you anything tonight, he still loves you with every bit of who he is, and in Heaven, there's a lot of heart for love. In my emails, I may have told you of some of the things we "ran" from, so having you say that no one is looking over my shoulder brings me peace. I like that thought, and thank you for reminding me of the better things in my life. You're one of kind, girl. Take extra good care of yourself and your children this weekend. It's supposed to be nice, so you may even be able to light the barbie (not your daughter's toy doll). Tomorrow, I'm hoping to take a ride up across the border. We'll see if my boys can drag me back south. hehehe. I'll talk with you on the other side of a little personal time. luv ya, me

[marilynwhite3049]

Fellow Travelers: Today was the party. I celebrated life. On May 13, I surpassed my diagnosis. Today, the 28th, I have lived in the Solution as long as I lived in the Problem. The problem was the drugs, alcohol, and behavior. The solution is when I put the drugs and alcohol down and began facing life on life's terms. Believe me, my life did not really start until I got into the solution.

My cancer is advancing. I pray daily to answer questions in loving but honest ways. I do not want to lie to them about my situation. Hospice has prepared me through paperwork provided and one-0n-one counseling. I love my case worker and my nurse. I am confident when that tell me something they are shooting straight. For me, the honestly has kept me going. It has shown me dignity also, I am grateful for that.

I pray for each of you, for you loved ones, for your emotional hurts. I care about the pain that we encoutour every day, Sometimes, people are unaware that they have offended. I pray for them too.

I guess I just want to know "Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends?" I think it is a WAR song, an old one of course. But that's [art of who I am. Not much but all I've got.

I love all of you. Please post your trial, problems, andedotes, pet peezes, You know, sometimes the biggest problems got the biggest laughs in them. I think that is so neat when I glipse of the humor.

arm is playing out. I lovve all of you. Love and Peace

[lauraa]

Marilyn,

I so appreciate what you write about honesty. I think it is the only way to get thru "anything"....no-matter how bad it is! Thank goodness your hospice supporters are helping you. Forgive yourself for things you feel bad about that has happened in your life...god has and he is waiting for you. Let the fear and anxiety go. I feared the day my husband passed but I can tell you he went very peacefully. When my dear dad passed I know he was surrounded by angels and family members who passed before him. I thank you for caring about my hurts and praying for me. I miss my husband more than words can ever say. I feel alone alot even when I am with lots of people, especially days like this. I am trying to make things better for the kids without their dad but you know what...I cannot make that better as they miss him so much and they have to come to terms with their loss in their own way. I can only support them the best I can.

I hope your arm feels better and I am praying for you my friend!

[marilynwhite3049]

The documentary is complete. At least my part is over. The team is probably flying from OKC about now.

They were young, of course, late 20s early 30. Knew nothing about cancer or terminal illness. It took a couple of days for us to syncronize our pace but by the end they were quick to notice if I was getting tired.

The party was so great. Today, I've revelled in the memories, and all the paople who came who I didn't expect. I gave my friend a list of 25 names. She didn't tell me she doubled or tripled it. I was overwhelmed.

Cancer has brought blessings to me. Sometimes I don't recognize them, but they are still blessings.

Lated arm Love and Peace

[bahiyya]

Family --

Marilyn, Mark, Connie, Laura -- greetings to you all.

I've read your posts and happy to see, hear and feel you all --

Marilyn -- I have been stumbling over my own words and thoughts of you for the last few weeks. There are so many words I want to say to you as you continue your journey -- but words fail me -- I can't think of not being able to communicate with you here -- but I timidly log in holding my breath and hoping that your words will indicate that you've been here.

However, I don't want time to pass between us without saying to you how much you mean in my life. You are a beacon of strength. You are God reflecting Itself. I have so enjoyed our exchanges and experiences. Know that you take with you LOVE from all of us. I know that love is the only thing that transcends everything.

Take care, may your last/first moments be filled with the Glory of God as you have your first glimpse of the Universe as God sees it.

Peace and Blessings

b

PS if you want the words to your song "Why Can't We Be Friends?" check out http://www.lyricsdepot.com/war/why-cant-we-be-friends.html

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I'm happy the documentary work is complete. You will be a blessing and source of hope to so very many people. But then, this is a part of who you are, compassionate and caring among your friends, even though we've only known each other a brief time. As for me, I cherish the friendship you've shared. Also, the wisdom you've offered, and sound advice. You again brought things to my mind, such as needing to talk to certain of my family, even though it may be difficult. I'm a little slack in this part. Take gentle care of yourself, please. with a hug from a friend, Mark

[bahiyya]

Glorious Monday --

Greetings Mark -- knowing that all is well with you and yours.

Where is everyone else? Please check in --

Peace and Love,

Bahiyya

[bahiyya]

Mark/Marilyn

I'm having some concerns about my "girls" in the Thinking for a Change Program -- please let me know when it is an appropriate time to discuss with you all and get your feedback.

b