I Am Dying...

[marilynwhite3049]

Hey: Fellow travelers: Did B say she had something to share? I await the news, but must post something of my day in the interim.

Mood swings are exhausting. I liked my aide. She will come Monday through Friday for an hour, I think i might have shared this.

I tried to go down some on steroids. Chickened out after 6 hours and took the rest of dose. I am so afraid of pain. Steroids have helped the swelling so people will have to put up with rapid cycle annie.

If you don't like her this minute, stick around. There is a whole committe in there if you stay long enough. I never knew how it felt from the inside out. I just knew that personality disorders made me uncomfortable. I will never make fun of one again.

I am learning lessons all the way. For what, I do not know. My invalid cousin called again. She caught me off guard and I answered before I thought. I said," My housekeeper is here. Can I call you back?" Of course, I never called her back and do not plan on it. Am I mean??

She has enjoyed being sick all of her life. Even as a child, she liked being sick. She has been an invalid all of her adult life. I have nothing to say to her. Yuck!! Can you understand??

Peace and Love

[bahiyya]

Good Morning Family

Marilyn -- I'm so glad you decided to follow Connie's advice and recognize your royalty. You see, being a "Queen" is much easier than you thought, huh? We always knew you to be from royal linage -- being a Child of the Most High God more than qualifies you. I'm glad you like your aide and are allowing her to share her healing with you.

I'm gonna tell you what my daughter told me when I had surgery. She said, "you don't get any merit points for being brave through pain." Like yourself, pain is not my friend, so I avoid the the encounter whenever possible. Before I went into surgery I had my pain medications and a bottle of water sitting next to my bed waiting for my return. Yes, I am a chicken and proud of it. When I go for blood testing, I explain to the technician that although there appears to be an adult sitting in front of them, actually, there is a small scared child. Make the first stick count because they are only allowed two times to try. Enough already -- you see we are sisters under the skin in more ways than we probably know.

Your steroids create mood swings and multiple personalities -- in this corner of the world we love them all. My friends would probably give you many examples of visiting personalities from me that are not drug induced. You know I'm trying to inject some humor here, but you have not idea how much of the truth you are hearing. You do what you have to do to feel as good as you can and Connie, Mark, MaryAnn and I all support you.

Final words of wisdom from B -- I have found there are some folks who are energy drainers. You know what I mean? They present themselves as friends, relatives, co-workers, associates, whatever. Sometimes they come with smiling faces, sometimes not. Nevertheless, for whatever reason which probably doesn't merit scrutiny, they start a dialogue and when they are finished you are completely drained of all energy. The almost-a-doctor-in-me use to try to give them alternative life skills -- they all rejected the idea because the draining of other people's energy works for them somehow. Now, when I discover these folks, I give them wide birth - avoiding them and allowing them to pass to their next level of expression with someone else. You did exactly right with your cousin. Don't give her access, she will stick a hose in you and begin the draining process. Run Forrest --- Ruuunnnnnnn!

Luv ya much -- I will continue this in my next post.

b

[bahiyya]

Connie

Your words are like a balm to me. I'm just amazed by the honestly and love that is shared in this place. I often wonder, wouldn't it be just great if all humans could allow themselves to just be honest, open, vulnerable and loving? We could all join Louis Armstrong in singing, "Oh what a beautiful world." But in retrospect I like what Marilyn often says, "everyday I awaken, I ask God to let me see the world as He does." I like that, don't you? I've added that to my morning requests and God answers by allowing you, Mark, Marilyn and MaryAnn to continue in my life. Oh, what a beautiful world!

Peace and blessings to you and yours. Encouragement to your husband.

Agape,

b

[bahiyya]

Family Sharing -

I promised to share some good news with you all yesterday. Well, I've been looking for an income source which will allow me to continue my schooling. As the coffers continue to drain and the bills continue to mount -- I was becoming a wee bit concerned. That's a grave understatement.

Anyway, I attended a training session in January called, "Thinking for a Change". It is a cognitive program for changing behavior by addressing the thoughts, attitudes and beliefs of individuals and allowing them to ask themselves the questions and redirect the process for a more successful outcome.

Ok - so it's too late to make a long story short, right? But I've been asked to facilitate 12 weeks of this cognitive program. I am so excited. I will be working in the Atlanta Drug Court and the population are repeat drug offenders. During this time, my partner, Nina and I are going to take the program on the road and try to get it in the school systems and other areas where it can do the most good. I worked as editor for one of the Superior Court Judges in Fulton County and I've asked her to allow us to present to her.

I believe this is it family. I will finally be able to address some financial issues and return to a state of well being. God is good!

OK -- that's my sharing, can't wait to hear what you all think. If you want to know more about the program it is on the internet. I believe this is the website you can access it, if not just Google it. http://www.nicic.org/Library/018311

Love to all -- thank you for allowing me to just B.

Your sister.

PS Connie, you're in Louisiana, I'm in Georgia and Marilyn is in Arkansas, right? Wow! Consider that get together.

[marilynwhite3049]

I might have to stop abruptly. It's almost time for my aide. B, I am so excited for you. May I be your silent partner? Substance Abuse if my forte? is that the right word? I worked with women, adolescents, and then criminals of all ages and descriptions. May I may suggestions if you have any uncertainties?

I was so touched you thought we made an "A" on the paper. It was exactly the project I needed at the perfect moment in my life. To be included on the grade that you earned was extra blessings.

Drug courts were across the hall from me. They were county-referred. My clients were state-referred. The two were not allowed to mingle. My group was considered bad influences.

Drug courts differ, even in the same state, they differ. I don't really understand, but the judge oversees drug court. Depending on the judge and his sanctions, and mood, I believe, there seems to be lots of leeway. Maybe a better word would be that the judge has lots of descretionary power. I hope that was spelled right. Maybe you got my drift anyway.

Mark, I am praying for you. I talked about your love with my counselor yesterday. I must confess, I discuss us all. I allowed her to read some of my posts. Somehow, I did not feel comfortable sharing yours. But now, she knows the website, she could easily access it. I'm sorry if I did something to offend.

Connie, you are a rock. I get so frustrated with my mother but when I think of you, I can be nice and not be so direct with her. She thanks you but she doesn't know it.

Aide is here.

[marilynwhite3049]

I might have to stop abruptly. It's almost time for my aide. B, I am so excited for you. May I be your silent partner? Substance Abuse if my forte? is that the right word? I worked with women, adolescents, and then criminals of all ages and descriptions. May I may suggestions if you have any uncertainties?

I was so touched you thought we made an "A" on the paper. It was exactly the project I needed at the perfect moment in my life. To be included on the grade that you earned was extra blessings.

Drug courts were across the hall from me. They were county-referred. My clients were state-referred. The two were not allowed to mingle. My group was considered bad influences.

Drug courts differ, even in the same state, they differ. I don't really understand, but the judge oversees drug court. Depending on the judge and his sanctions, and mood, I believe, there seems to be lots of leeway. Maybe a better word would be that the judge has lots of descretionary power. I hope that was spelled right. Maybe you got my drift anyway.

Mark, I am praying for you. I talked about your love with my counselor yesterday. I must confess, I discuss us all. I allowed her to read some of my posts. Somehow, I did not feel comfortable sharing yours. But now, she knows the website, she could easily access it. I'm sorry if I did something to offend.

Connie, you are a rock. I get so frustrated with my mother but when I think of you, I can be nice and not be so direct with her. She thanks you but she doesn't know it.

Aide is here.

[marilynwhite3049]

Me, again. My aide just left. Once more, I feel pampered.

She brought a dozen doughnuts and we ate before we got me ready for the day. I ask her yesterday if she could bring doughnuts and eat with me. I was glad when she said she could. Eating alone get boring.

Last night I found a website Support4change. It's awesome. Anyway, goals are important. My goal today is to act as if I am at a museum. I have always loved Van Gogh art. It is almost the only thing I have. Today, I will appreciate my art. You know, from close, from different angles. Do I sound a little offbase?

My counselor pointed out that I have been a goal-directed person most of my life. Part of my loss now is that I don't have a goal to reach for. But what kind of goals can I make? She could not answer that. Counselors never give you the answer that easy.

I have it better than some people ever have it. What more could I want? Yesterday I thought, "what am I moaning and groaning for?" Concrete like, "What is it that would make me happy." I decided that I do not want to be happy. Well, that is just stupid.

Today, I want to be happy. I refuse to be miserable. I am going to see Van Gogh, I might even call and ask if my prints from the office could be delivered. I believe I have three of them there. Hopefully, Willard, my replacement will understand.

Frankly, I do not think he appreciates Van Gogh anyway. Art should be appreciated even if it is only prints. Do you agree?

I'm rambling. I am sending positive energy. If you send your depleted energy to me, I will send it back recharged. I know I can do that and I want to do that. Please allow me to be useful.

Your life is so precious to me, B. I feel as if I am riding on your shoulder. Thank you.

Love and Peace.

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

Doughnuts -- ohmygosh, that's my favorite breakfast, lunch -- ok yeah, for dinner too. Yummy! I like your aide very much!

I was hoping that you might want to participate as my co-facilitator in this project. Hurrraaayy! Welcome aboard. I have not worked with individuals with drug addictions, although I myself have participated in a 12-step program for overeaters (note the love for doughnuts, above). I believe all of the 12-step programs are based on the same premise, right?

Anyway, when you get a minute, look at the website I sent you earlier and you will see the premise of this cognitive program. I would love to hear your input and get your directions for personalizing the program for those having difficulty with drugs.

As an aside, I have a question right off the bat -- my maybe-someday-will-be-significant-other thinks that I am too "soft" for this group. I have a very youthful voice, although I am 56 (lots of folks ask to speak with my mother when they call my home), but I am not shy and I speak direct, honest and look folks in the face when I speak with them. He says they are going to "eat me alive". I like people, so I don't come across as rough and tough -- I treat everyone with respect and talk to them as if I'm talking to any other business associate.

What do I do Marilyn? How can I present in a way that does not say I'm a push over, but doesn't come across like I'm trying to be something that I'm not? Any suggestions?

Tonight I go for my final observation session. I'll let you know in the morning how it turns out.

Agape,

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi, all!

Thank you all for each kind word and prayer. I'm feeling stressed, and exhausted. My doctor is worried I may have another heart attack. So, I need to care for me, as well as my wife. I need to rest, but wanted to thank you for everything.

B, you're priceless.

Marilyn, please take care of you. You may talk about this stuff with a counselor. Who knows, we may learn a new treatment. I'm optimistic.

Connie, you're a good friend,a sister. Rest in His love, and know that all these things are for our good in our Saviour.

Hugs for you all, Me

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: I may be out of pocket for a couple of days. Since Wednesday I have been unable to manage pain. This morning I agreed to check into palliative unit so that a pump can be installed. It will give me a steady dose of medicine.

Last night my two friends took me and we got my car. My family had put me off for a week because they are afraid I will drive. I told them that I wouldn't but they didn't believe me. Instead of them calling me a liar they treated me like a child. They kept putting me off.

Well, yesterday, I had friend take me to bank, got enough money for taxi if necessary. Last night I asked two friend to take me for car. Of course, I had to promise not to drive, but anyway, I have a car in my parking lot. Am I childish? I am impaired. I can't drive. My family does not understand. They are worried sick.

I tried to appease them. I know they are in grief and shock. I am sick, not stupid. I felt that they were treating me like I was stupid. They just keep saying "Marilyn, you are on medicine." I have been on morphine since last May!! I stopped frivolous driving then. But I had to drive. Hell, I had a life to live, I'm sorry, y'all, I'm working myself up.

Anyway, I have a car in the driveway. A non-emergency medical transport will be here soon to take me to hospital. I don't know but I doubt if there is internet at palliative unit. If there is I will log on but am prepared for no internet.

I am sucking up support from you right now. You are the ones who know other than my care team. My mom and sister are just too upset to share this with them. I have known about pump for months. They haven't. Today is not a good day to slap them with this reality. I hope I am doing right thing.

Last night, all I could think was, I can not die without a car. I have always had a car. Even in problem, I had a car. I stole tags, but I had wheels. Why is that so important? I wish I knew.

Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: It almost frightenes me to see that nobody has posted since I was last here. I am still in hospital. It has been rough couple of days. I am hoping that I can go home tomorrow. I am counting on it.

I had been on schedule with my meds and I did not deviate. They have changed everything. Last night they gave me steroid and antidepressant at 9 PM. I had asked to have them midday because they effect sleep.

I am not doctor. I got them at 9 PM. At 2 AM, I called and asked them for breakfast and told them about meds. Well, they called doctor on me. Doctor is out but nurse practiciner came. She is pushover.

This has been good lesson. Initially, I planned on dying here. No way. They are like robots. Red-tape driven. The information is valuable and they have stabilized pain. Mission accomplished.

Later I will post more. Have emails to peruse. Love and Peace.

[clittlelady]

Marilyn:

It's good to hear from you. I can only imagine how frustrating and unnerving your stay is. I hope you make them all walk the line. I just don't like hospitals. Some good care, but more who are just in it for a paycheck. I pray they've treated you well. Hope you let them know who you are, the Queen! You've been in my thoughts and prayers. My home front is in turmoil right now, trying to keep it all together. Sorry I haven't talked to you sooner. Hope you're home soon, I know that will please you.

I'm trying to get up the nerve to look at grave markers for my Mother's grave, been thinking about it for a while, trying to make myself approach the only brother I still half way communicate with, to see if he's interested in helping me choose one. Dread it.

Did you let your Mother know you were in the hospital? How is she doing?

I'm glad you retrieved your car. I know that machine gives you the feeling of independence, just sitting in the driveway and the comfort of knowing it's there.

God Bless You My Friend. I'll check on you tomorrow.

Connie

[clittlelady]

Mark:

I hope you are taking care of yourself. You must listen to your doctor. You must make your health a priority. I realize the stress is almost too much for you at times, but it is when it seems the darkest that you must hang on just a little longer, a little stronger.

How are things with your wife today? I feel for the both of you.

I know my words must seem void right now, but I'm still holding you both up in prayer, for I know that only God's touch can give you the peace of mind and the strength both physically and emotionally.

God Bless you Both. I send Love and Hugs sprinkling upon you.

Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm sorry to all of you for my absence. With my wife hospitalized, and now me going through my usual stretch of migraines (lasting about 4 days), I've been a little quiet.

Marilyn, I'm worried about you in hospital. I pray you'll be home soon. My prayers stay with you for freedom from pain, and for what you need through the day.

Keepin' on, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, after getting my doctor upset, I've had to take it easy a little. It looks like the stress is making trouble with my blood pressure, so the doc's afraid I may lead myself into another heart attack. I'm behaving now. My wife is about the same, but with med changes, she's a little more alert. This is a big step for us. Her pain is worsening, but at least we have time to talk.

Thanks for praying, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, just a sideline thought about you working with "this" group. A soft voice isn't perceived as threatening, so I think you will be an asset to the profession. My clinical work was working mostly with combat vets, so my "street" ways were beneficial. You seem to have a natural connection in the field, so I think you'll help many. You're voice will be a calming influence, and I'm sure you can be direct about things when you need. Even though you may sound younger than you are, your clients will know when you mean business. Just make expectations, and follow up on them. Addictions work is one of goal direction, and accountability. I'm praying for you, friend, me

[marilynwhite3049]

Mark: I am glad to see you back. I prayed that you were recouping your strengths in solitude and would be back momentarily. I sent positive energy your way, to spend as you like, I hope it helped. I can not tell you how important you are to me. I missed many good things in life, by getting to know you I feel compensated. Does that make any sense?

Connie: You are our rock. You have saved my Mom many a flare-up from this sick, cranky, daughter. Realizing that the three of us, Mom, Stacy, and I are grieving should, or you would like, help me through the process. Somehow, I feel if I was dumb, things would not hurt so bad. Am I romanticing ignorance? I still have the committee most days. LOL

Maryann, I can only believe you are needing time. That is understandable and acceptable, and if it is working for you right now, you go, Girl. But if you need to reach out, I would feel honored to answer any questions you might have. This terminally ill journey is frightening. It can also be enlightening. Please allow me to help if I can.

B: Our wonder girl. I admire you and know that you will be an awesome psychologist, facilitator, whatever direction you go, I believe you have somehow plugged into the Spirit of the Universe hot line. I believe you are blessed. You were probably blessed before you were born.

LOve and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

Me again: Good news. I can leave with my sister when she gets here. A nonemergency medical transport brought me and I was afraid I would have to wait for it. Just now, nurse said I would be allowed to leave with sis.

My neice has a doctor's appointment at 9:30. Stacy said they would come by here when finished. I can hardly wait. It is tempting to try to walk away but if I got caught it would be bad, not worth the thrill of victory if successful. Do you weigh things out like I do?

This illness has made me question myself on everything. I am tired of it. I used to feel normal and if not normal, big yooooo. Lately, it seems important that I "fit" in, like I could fit in, I'm whining.

My friend got my truck to my house. It is my brother's Nissan. Bought it, sight unseen. I just knew it was my brothers and his wife wanted $500, and I had $500, so now it is mine. Of course, it put my mother into a tail spin. She is right, the SSI that I will receive while waiting for SSA is not enough to pay my rent, it was not a wise finincial decision. I have money saved, that is where I bought the truck from. Why would that irritate my mom?

Love and Peace

[bahiyya]

Family --

I am so glad to see that we are united again -- Mark, welcome home -- you were missed, greatly!

Mark, please take care of yourself. I know that sounds easier than it is to practice, but you are needed on so many levels. I give myself at least a moment for 5-10 concentrated, centered deep breaths in the mornings -- it makes a difference. Hope it helps you too.

Connie -- I know that upside down feeling all too well. I am sending you love and energy to cope with the situation and hand. I know you have the wisdom to plan for the future when these situations are no longer nipping at your heels. Time is the great comforter in all things -- sometimes it is the only healing balm we have to offer to ourselves and others.

Don't worry about including your brothers in the decision making process for your Mom's headstone. Make your selection that you are satisfied with and let the chips fall where they may. Once the decision is made and the stone is set (forgive the pun), then let them talk among themselves -- this decision is between yourself and your Mom. How many times has that been the case -- just the two of you . . . - keep in mind this is an only child talking

Be well, rest well, take care of you . . .

b

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

Although you were intensly perturbed with your family and the hospital, I must admit I had to smile while reading your post. We are so much alike it is both frightening and laughable. I can't tell you how many times I have been released "early" from hospital settings because I decide what is best for me in ALL situations. Sounds like my young sister does the same. LOL! The last time I was in the hospital I left on crutches. First down to the administrative offices to "voice my complaint" and then to my car which was sitting in the hospital parking lot so that I could leave Dodge whenever I decided. Sound familiar?

Speaking of cars -- they represent security as Connie said. Independence, free will, whatever you want to call it -- it means "I am still my own person" I can choose to wait, or I can make the decision despite my physical condition, to go my way. While recouping from my last surgery I would load my wheelchair in the back of my SUV and drive to an area -- stand outside the back of the vehicle with the tailgate up and wait until someone offered to help me out with the chair. Get in the chair and be on my way. My daughter thought I was crazy - perhaps, but I was doing life on my own terms. So are you -- KUDOS!

It is the body that fails, not the spirit! Family doesn't understand -- your Mom wants to take care of her baby. Yes, you know you will always be one of her babies and right now she needs to help you in everyway possible. Perhaps you might want to give her some ideas of how she can really help and comfort. Mom, I really love your chicken soup, can you make a pot for me? Even if it is only a sip, she will feel needed and wanted -- remember, as you said she is going through this with you, although not as you. It's hard for everyone involved, right? You are diplomatic, I know you will work your charm, southern girl.

Normal -- now you know the problem I have with that concept -- there is no such thing as normal. We are all unique expressions of God -- God did not create normal only "Phenomenal" -- that's who you are. You are not made to "fit in" you are extra-ordinary, special, and made to stand out, stand up, and be counted. Normal, give me a break! Ha! As an unique expression you don't fit in anywhere, as a high expression of God you fit in every where! Everywhere you look you see your highest and best reflecting in your relationships, your friendships, the flowers and trees that grow, EVERY THING. The stories you tell -- this is you, my dear, as Connie would say, "Queenly"!

Peace and blessings to you this day and forever

Agape,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm home!! Friends, I can not tell you how good it feels. I was sent home with only some of the meds I went in with, I had taken a gallon size zip-lock bag. But I did not argue, I accepted the four bottle they gave me and left.

My nurse just left. They called her to pick up my inappropriate medication. Can you believe the cahoneys on those girls. I hope you know what i am trying to spell there, the cahoneys, or I might say, they have brass ones.

Marilyn, my nurse, laughed. I did not check in dying and I did not leave dying. It was a first for them. But why would I start dying today when I am alive? While here, live, am I weird?

I have an appointment with doctor on the 21. I am considering doing radiation for pain control on skull. I have hesitated because it is close to brain. The life I've lived I'm lucky to have two brain cells left, I don't want to risk them. But pain control is important. Pray with me about it.

Plus, I am going to tell my doctor about the orders, how they were written. The next sick person might not be able to stand up and report wrong doing but I am verbal and proud of it. That might be the whole point of making me wait, to help the hospice people coming behind me. I'd like to think that.

Love and Peace. We are back together again. I swear as I typed that I heard a tune from a beer-drinking country song. Love you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, you make perfect sense. My life is such a beautiful thing because of the friends who have made it so special. I count you one of those friends. Far out on the truck! While I know (all too well) the budgeting of everything while on Social Security, it's only a $500 truck. You can get a return on the investment anytime. We should celebrate you being home again!!! And with less meds??? WOW! I believe how much the medical people "dog" us for unused pills. We get that a lot here, but the meds for my wife are all regulated scripts. Brass? Oh, that's funny, but oh so true. hehehe. Now, please get some rest, and know that you always have a few crazy friends here praying for you. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, when the body becomes weak, the spirit can compensate. I think it's cool that you dragged the 'chair with you, even if it meant asking for a little help getting it out of the car. I'm in a 'chair permanently. They are my legs, my freedom, and even though I can walk some, I prefer my chair - they can be pretty cool. The deep breaths in the morning are a great idea. I do a certain routine of exercises, and I think taking that extra few moments will be good for my body and spirit. Thank you for the idea. My exercise time is a combination of routine and meditation, which sets my mind for the day. Hope you have a perfect day my friend. hugz, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

I was headed to bed but decided to check our watering hole one last time. I will rest better knowing that Mark is with us. We need you, your wisdom and strenght. I cannot imagine how strong you are. God has been merciful to allow me to mingle with the ones one this board. My life was not complete without you.

Yesterday my spiritual advisor suggested that my goal for today be "Allow the God within me to meet the God within those with whom I come in contact today." Folks, it was a good goal. It is amazing what we see and feel when we are looking for God in every person we met. S/He is in everyone of them. Sometimes, you get only a glipse but I assure you He is there.

I don't have a goal for tomorrow. Help me think of one. It can't be the same every day. The day I was nice to everyone I met, was worthy but paid off. Boy, was that a toughie. But a worthy goal it was.

Good night, family. God is in heaven and all is right with the world.

[clittlelady]

Okay Guys and Gals, all my wonderful friends....

I couldn't sleep so I got up to work. It's a little after two and I decided to try to wrap it up. Had to drop in and OH MY GOSH... HAIL HAIL THE GANGS ALL HERE! What a Warm, Loving feeling to see each of you. I'm a little wired right now, so don't laugh at my typos....

MARK:

SELF PRESERVATION.... Do what you have to do for you. I can emphthize with you on your migraines. I once had one that lasted seven days and I had to be hospitalized. Excruciatingly exhausting and brain numbing after effects. My heart goes out to you. Okay, I have no M.D. behind my name and I'm treading the borderline of practicing without a license here, but my diagnosis would be STRESS? I know you feel like you life has been living you instead of the other way around. You can't help anyone else, if your not well yourself. On a lighter note I eventually quit having migraines, but I don't think my remedy would work for you.... I had a hysterectomy???? (smiling) (smiling with dimples?)

The meds they're giving you're wife, are they of a sedative nature? I pray she keeps her thought process so you can continue to your communications.

MARILYN:

Oh My Queen Marilyn.... It is indeed an honor to roll out the red carpet for such a special Lady. So glad you're home and back here. Hey, the truck thing really brings back memories. When My Brother died he had a baby blue Ford pickup, brand new, 1981, the same year he died. It was his first new vehicle ever. He was so proud of it. It was a stick shift. He and I had taken off from Colorado, where we were living at the time to head up to Montana to bail my other brother and his family out of a dilemma and move them back to Colorado. The two of us struck out. About ten miles into the desolate area of Wyoming that we were traveling through, he pulled over and said, okay, your turn to drive. I said what??? Excuse me??? I can't drive a stick shift. He said now is your time to learn little sis. He stood over six foot and was a Brawny type man, loving and jolly. I said Okie Dokie, but I hate to mess up your new truck. He taught me to work the clutch and shift those gears. Oh my palms were sweaty.... He was so comfortable he dozed off to sleep. Each little town we drove through, I would nudge him and say Glynn, shouldn't we stop for gas? He was half asleep and would say "next town". This happened a couple of times until eventually...... you guessed it! I ran us out of gas, smack dab in the middle of Nowheresville. I nudged him and said Glynn, what do we do now? He threw my coat at me and said sleep little sister, sleep. As the sun came up, he got out and told me lock the doors and stay down, not to open the doors for anyone, also we were packing iron (which I do know how to shoot and did then as well, but really didn't want to have to). He hitched a ride with an eighteen wheeler and several, several hours came back with gasoline. What a trip! Less than three months later, he had his accident on his motorcycle. My car wasn't all that dependable and I had to drive through some mountain passes to get to where he was hospitalized, traveled it a.m. and p.m, in HIS truck, alone. Shift those gears and clutching as he had taught me, tears streaming down my face, every mile of the way. I wanted to keep his truck, but he had a sixteen year old daughter who wanted it and it was paid for after his death, so I felt she needed it more than I. It was a memorable trip for us, memories I will always cherish.

Marilyn... there are no words to express how your Mother is so empty at the loss of your brother. She probably grieves inwardly, so as not to let you see her pain. I can only imagine how she dreads ever suffering that pain again. Her age doesn't help either. I watched my Mother hold on to My brother, while he was in his coma, with everything she had. Nothing was registering quite right with her. All the overwhelming feelings of helpless. Spending her whole life rearing, nurturing and protecting her little darlings and then to know the day was at hand that she was helpless in that situation. Nothing that she says can really be taken so literally. If she's snippy, or bossy, or seemingly not so understanding, it's because she's dealing with it the best way she can. She doesn't want to be here without you. She wants to do everything that is possibly left in her power to "protect and preserve" you. Hug her and hold her face and look into her eyes and make her know how much you love her. Let her have that memory. Talk frankly with her, which I'm sure you probably have, but make her understand, everyday is a new one, a new hurdle, which you are trying your best to meet with joy and serenity and that anything she does for you, doesn't go unappreciated. She probably feels like she's not doing enough, even though you need your space and time to be alone with your thoughts.

Does she pray? Have you prayed together? Honey, you don't have to be in a church building to have church and uplift each other. Church is in our hearts, when God is there.

I remember just two nights before my Mother went into the hospital, she was so weak. I had spent those two days and nights with her. The last night, I had bathed her off, pedicured her feet, lotioned her up and helped her get her P.J.s on. She always prayed at night, out loud. She would clap her hands and thank God for his Mercy. She would always ask for his will to be done in all things. She would say I don't understand all things God, but I put my trust in you. She would pray for everyone under the sun. She could bearly talk at this point though and it was all difficult to understand and a struggle for her to try, but she did. When she finished, I asked her would she like for me to sing some of the old hymns she loved. She told me to read her bible to her first, so I did. She selected some scriptures and I read, several chapters to her. She would raise her hand to the sky and say Thank you God for my Baby Girl. I sang and she tried to sing along with me and clapped her hands. It was all I could do to choke back tears. I knew this would be a memory I would hold dear to my heart, one that no one could ever take away. My brother called from Colorado to talk to her when were finished and she tried to tell him, we had had Church. I had to step into the bathroom and cry on that one. She was so happy. It all changed so fast, but I kept that night with me and that faith that she was ready to meet her Master and she would rejoice and sing, without any medical restrictions or handicaps. As I've said before, It was so bittersweet.... I miss her so and always will, but it's the memories that will keep me going.

I like the way you referred to this place as a watering hole, for that it is. Water is a life sustainer and here we quench our thirst in our spirits. Such a pleasant way to think of it.

A Goal for tomorrow? Hummmm??? Let your light shine. Look for the Good, Overlook the little things.... And consume one of those doughnuts, gosh those sounded good. I haven't had a doughnut in years. Make a list of "Thoughts for the Day" and share them with us later. I want to know what has been the funnest thing you've done in your life? The most outrageous thing? The most Unexpected thing? Were you ever a prankster in school? Were you the teacher's pet or the teacher's nightmare? Inquiring Minds want to know.

I have indeed written a novel tonight.... Sorry...

B.

Thank you for your encouraging words regarding the stone. You're right. It is between she and I. I love your grit, Your spark, your wisdom. You're a blessing to everyone here. I hope all is well with you and your endeavors. It sounds like you're on top of your game. I apologize for cutting this short, but my fingers are failing me now... sandman is wanting to visit.

Does anyone remember that old song "Sandman"... Bring me a dream...la la la la....okay. Goodnight and Goodmorning to all my buddies. If you don't hear from me tomorrow, it will be, because I've reread my post and realized how ridiculous it is.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: or to be more accurate, Good Afternoon: Connie, you never sound ridiculous. I feel like the Spirit of the Universe hand-picked each person just for me. Every one who has come to this board has given me something that I needed.

My experience at the hospital, those hours without a computer, made me realize just how important you really are. I knew it before, but I literally quinched a thirst I can not explain when I opened the board.

This is the only place where I am totally honest. In my bone and muscle life, I only show facets of Marilyn. Does anyone else have that sensation? When I look back on my first support group, that was training for real support. This is real support.

I must share with you how good it makes me feel when you call me queen or make reference to it. I never realized that that would make me feel good. I guess I am a tough old girl. I have taken care of myself all of my life. There has never been a man I could count one, emotionally, financially, you get the idea.

This illness has forced me to ask people for help. It has been a humbling lesson. God must think I need it. He continues to use me, I am grateful. Mood swings are beginning to work for me. God sends lessons, I cry and whine, but I adapt. Then I get a new lesson, each one is a little tougher.

My aide asked me what I thought of bed baths. I just looked at her. She said on the unit where I was, people usually get bed baths. I have never had a bed bath in my life. I had to move a potty chair out of the shower in order to use it. It never occured to me that they would give me a bed bath. Yuck!!

Love and Peace. Mark, I continue to send you energy. I have heard that smelling a couple of breaths of lavender essential oil will help headaches. I haven't tried it so can not vouch for it. Maryann, I love you and send you energy to spend as you wish. B, live for me.

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: or to be more accurate, Good Afternoon: Connie, you never sound ridiculous. I feel like the Spirit of the Universe hand-picked each person just for me. Every one who has come to this board has given me something that I needed.

My experience at the hospital, those hours without a computer, made me realize just how important you really are. I knew it before, but I literally quinched a thirst I can not explain when I opened the board.

This is the only place where I am totally honest. In my bone and muscle life, I only show facets of Marilyn. Does anyone else have that sensation? When I look back on my first support group, that was training for real support. This is real support.

I must share with you how good it makes me feel when you call me queen or make reference to it. I never realized that that would make me feel good. I guess I am a tough old girl. I have taken care of myself all of my life. There has never been a man I could count one, emotionally, financially, you get the idea.

This illness has forced me to ask people for help. It has been a humbling lesson. God must think I need it. He continues to use me, I am grateful. Mood swings are beginning to work for me. God sends lessons, I cry and whine, but I adapt. Then I get a new lesson, each one is a little tougher.

My aide asked me what I thought of bed baths. I just looked at her. She said on the unit where I was, people usually get bed baths. I have never had a bed bath in my life. I had to move a potty chair out of the shower in order to use it. It never occured to me that they would give me a bed bath. Yuck!!

Love and Peace. Mark, I continue to send you energy. I have heard that smelling a couple of breaths of lavender essential oil will help headaches. I haven't tried it so can not vouch for it. Maryann, I love you and send you energy to spend as you wish. B, live for me.

[clittlelady]

Marilyn:

There is a peace in knowing we can come here and just exhale and be ourselves. I know what you mean about the feeling when you sign on to our board. It's a feeling of touching what's real, what really matters, a grounding. I've come to talk about you all to my husband. I refer to you as my friends. I'll tell him, Well Babe, I'm going to check in on my friends. He includes you all in his prayers. He has a kind heart and a gentle soul. He has lost three brothers and two sisters, four to alcoholism or health related problems to that disease and one to cancer. His young life was a tough one, being raised by volatile, nonloving mother. He joined the Navy at a young age and went through Vietnam. He is my Rock. He lost his Mother at right after he went into the Navy and he has been such an encouragement to me in getting through my grief with Mom being gone now. I'm very blessed in that he gives me room to be my independent self, but is always there when I want to curl up and cry. I remember being hospitalized following a surgery several years back and the nurses aides thought I was going to use a bed pan. I had seen my grandmother go through this process for many years as she was paralyzed from the waste down and the bed pan was a part of her daily life. I quickly informed those ladies who were probably there just for they 5.05 an hour that I would go to the bathroom and they would help me. So Girl, as long as you maintain that will as you have, it will work for you. I'm glad you like the Queen role, I love referring to you as that, because I feel in my heart, you've earned your tiara and it's okay to have things your way. As you've said, your body is the one who needs the help, not your mind. You are a perfect example to me of being an overcomer. Sure, you may have been diagnosed as you have, but once again, You're STILL HERE and there IS a REASON. On those days when you may feel a little less royal than others, there is no shame in that, everybody has a bad day every now and then. Your Father is a King and holds a fair Kingdom for us all when we make it there.

I guess I better get back to the grind (I'm at work). I'll check in on you later.... Watch Oprah for me today.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

I apologize for the double entry this morning. I am a little shaky. I have been vindicated. The palliative unit had a fit about my ritalin. They did not give me kudos for titrating down as I had. They wanted me to cut it in half each day.

To cut to the chase. I agreed to do it their way, I would have agreed to anything to get out of that place. Anyway, home hospice talked about my case this morning this morning and I was right. I was doing it right, my nurse had talked to my doctor and she had okayed it, and why those people even cared is beyond me. Anyway, I'm back to doing it my way. Don't you love it when you find out you were right? I want to cock my snock to them. It's a good thing I can't drive, I'd be tempted to go down and rub it in their face.

As a counselor, I knew I was right. But I let their credentials intimidate me. I could kick my own butt for that. Anyway, just had to brag. I have had good day, I am sending positive energy to my real support. It is you. Love and Peace. Mark, my heart hurts for you. I am thankful God allowed me to witness what true love is. You were and are the perfect model.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, you're not the first one to offer me that little funny. . . even my sister hit me with it, cuz it cured her migraines. What I go through with these headaches has taught me enough that I give you ladies all the thoughtfulness I can. Yes, I have a good sense of humor about it, and get teased (and pick on myself) about "pms". Life is to be enjoyed, even if by laughing at myself. Yes, you're right about stress. Lots of it. I don't need a butter knife to cut it: more like a chain saw. Today I took a long nap, which was great. I needed it. Then I went shopping with my son, doing "guy" things. Now, I'm about to start working (at 10 pm), in my studio. Have a great day, my friend. I so appreciate all your prayers and thoughtfulness. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, hooray for you, standing up for what YOU want, not giving in to the convenience of those who are supposed to care for your needs. Please be careful with the meds, so you don't have effects related to not having the right doses at the right times. Please pardon the friendly "nagging". Thank you for being a friend, for your thoughtfulness and kindness. I may not be all I should as a husband, but I'm happy you see this much in me. I wish I could be more for her; at least enough to help her through this misery. Please know I think of your friendship as a privilege, just knowing someone as wise and caring as you are. My prayers are with you. May you have all you need for this day. hugz, me

[clittlelady]

GOOD MORNING TO ALL MY FRIENDS:

MARK:

So good to hear from you. So your sister had already offered up that tidbit of info for you huh? (smiling). It's good news to hear you took time for you and your son. You have to MAKE that time. Your music must be therapy for you or at least I would think so. New Orleans Jazz Festival is coming up and I've never been. I'm going to see if my husband and I can plan a weekend trip. I would love to go. I have cousins who live in Houma and Thibodeaux that I can stay with. I played the clarinet in school and really enjoyed it. Years later, I bought a clarinet at an estate sale, just for the nostalgia of it and I was so surprised that I could just pick it up and play it again. It all came back to me. I've never had piano lessons, but I bought an antique piano years ago and sat down and started playing christmas carols. My biological father was a musician and had his own band back in the Hank Williams, Sr. days, maybe, just maybe, he passed on a few musical genes. I've never really pursued developing it, but I have a strong desire to play a violin. Maybe one day I will. Until then, I'll go to the Jazz Fest and hear others play... Music truly has always been a soother for me, from classical to country.

My Husband went back to work yesterday. They made him sign a false statement or they would have fired him on the spot. It sounds like they're setting him up to take him out and make an example of him. I sure hope not, but my gut feeling tells me that is so. He meets with a labor attorney next week. I know that whatever happens, God will see us through it, but it makes me very angry, stirs up the Irish gal in me. My husband is so calm and mild mannered about everything, guess it's a good thing he's made up that way.

Mark, I guess I've rambled enough. I want you to know you're loved and God knows where you are, every moment. Hang in there and let HIM be your strength. God bless you and your wife. Hugs to Ya Friend.

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Hi Queenie. (okay, I've added a little to your new found nick name, it has flare). I hope today has started out as a good one for you. It has for me. Today I turn in the last MONSTER transcript that I've worked on many late hours at home. I'm turning in 756 legal pages of transcript, first degree murder trial and two counts of attempted murder. That is my last major hurdle before I change jobs on the first. I'm so looking forward to it.

I received a call this morning from my sons girlfriend of 7 years. She's lived with him that long. She thinks she's pregnant and of course has the wave of emotions going on. I'm happy at the thought of the possibility that I may be a Grandma or a Nanna. I'm trying to contain my excitement though, until she knows for sure. She has a doctor's appointment Friday. I don't know, it just seems Lance and I are so close and I would love to see a little chip of that young man running around. I tried to tell her that if the most of the population waited until they were ready to have children, there probably wouldn't be a population. We'll see. I'm hoping. I know they'll both be great parents.

I wish you many blessings and peace for this day. Strength in your body and mind. I will check in later to chat more. God Bless you My Friend. I love knowing royalty (smiling).

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Hey: Fellow Travelers, It is a good day. I have told you about trying to cut ties with the bone and muscle support group, haven't I? Well, I passed them, I needed your support, I could no longer contribute to that group.

Okay, this one woman, she calls every week and asks if she and another can come over. I have said No. Last night, I said Okay.

I pray to be of service to God. Well, maybe He thinks I can be of service to these two. Do you think that is possible?

See, when I was part of that group, we took a meeting to a member. We all cried on the way back to support house. It scared us because we had seen our future. I never want to make anyone feel like I felt that night leaving Nancy's house.

That is why I found you. But anyway, I will log on and tell you about the visit. I am dreading, thinking about locking door, but also, angry that they would be so persistant. I feel a lot of things at same time.

Maybe I should let go and have a mood swing afternoon. I could really put on a show. I have oxygen tank, morphine pump, scars, I'm a sight. Oh, I forgot to mention to big tumor on my forehead. Why do these ladies persist?

Our culture is weird. When someone is sick, why do people think they should visit. When I am sick, I'm disarmed, I'm at a disadvantage. I do not like it.

Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

I'm back, visit is over. I don't think i handled it well. I asked them to be there for the next person who comes to the support group but to count me out. They asked me to call them when I wanted to see them. I was frank. I said I would not be calling.

They admitted that they came because that is what you are supposed to do. I told them my time is limited and our culture has odd ways and to not visit because you are "supposed" to. That is no reason to take my time or theirs.

I was too frank but I am so tired of bs. Why do people insist? I told them that I have not had one day when someone did not call and offer to help me. I would honestly like to have a day for Marilyn. I was too direct.

I guess I am ashamed of how I look. When I was part of that group I was a different Marilyn. They came to see someone else. She is gone. Why can people not accept that? This Marilyn has no use for them. Am I making sense?

I probably just sound mean. I love you and am grateful for your support. Do you ever feel like you are not in the right place? But you can not leave?

Love and Peace

[bahiyya]

Greetings All --

Let me say this -- school has started again for me -- so forgive my irregularities. Know that I am never gone, just stuck in a textbook.

My classes this semester are Social Psychology and Tests and Measures. I enjoy the social psychology class, don't really like much to do with math, although I recognize its importance. My daughter says that I enjoy math as long as it is called something else. I think she is referring to a couple of computer software programs that I use effectively, but I do see them as math driven. Whatever, I know you all will understand.

Connie, my prayers are constantly flowing for you and your husband. I know what it is like to work in an oppressive environment. Some of the infrastructures of are society are badly fractured. HOld on to each other as you do, time is the great revealer and healer.

Mark, you always say such kind and comforting words, thank you. I love this board, but I must admit that it has a different feel without your male energy. You are our patriarch, and we love having you in that position. Love, strength and energy to you and healing to your wife. Kiss her for us.

Bahiyya

[bahiyya]

Beloved Queen Marilyn --

I smiled knowingly at your spark and return to the Hospice care providers. And I smiled again understanding your feelings about why, as individuals, we continue to follow societal norms that have long ago passed their effectivenss. It is frustrating isn't it.

Once again you have listed another reason why I come to this space. As I've said before, it is a safe place that allows for honesty and straightforwardness. Every one of us is committed to the other in the most divine way possible. It is a place of solice and healing. Truly it is like coming home to fresh baked cookies.

I've copied for you a piece from one of my favorite poets, Paul Laurence Dunbar. This piece is entitled, "We Wear The Mask". Some part of your post reminded me of this -- and I wanted to share it with you. I hope you and the rest of our family will enjoy it.

Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us, while

We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet, and long the mile;

But let the world dream otherwise,

We wear the mask!

Peace and blessings to you this day. Talk with you soon.

b

PS Saturday I meet with County Commissioners, Judges, Program Directors, parents and guardian, and Parole Officers of the training population. I'll give you a full report thereafter.

Agape

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: I may get interrupted but just had to post something. You are my support and I feel weak when I haven't at least put a couple of sentences onto board each day.

Yesterday was good. I am adapting to pump. My feet are a little closer to ground. I am waiting on aide. I love her. She's here. Later.

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: It has been a good day. I loved the Dunbar poem, so true. Today, my feet are a little closer to ground. I am adapting.

I have news so good I am almost afraid to repeat it because I might wake up and discover it is a dream. My job paid me up to today. My last check went into account last evening. On the 31 I will get a vacation check. My boss said well, that is just how it shook out.

I was so grateful I had to call and ask because it was too good to be true, but it was true. Can you believe it? God took me to the right place at the right time. I have staved off the ssi for a few more days. I don't know why I do not want to die on a government check but I worked hard to get off disability once and just hate to return although I have earned it. Isn't pride studip and useless?

I send love and support as well as pull it from this site. I am praying for Maryann and can only trust that she will return if she needs us. For me, this board has saved my life and sanity. I cannot imagine going it without you.

When the rest of the world chafes, you comfort me. Every one needs a place like this. I have learned so many lessons through this illness. What a waste!! Is it just me?

I feel an urge to write instructions and directions and try to pass on these life truths but I know I would be spinning my wheels. Until I was ready for the message, I could not hear it. I know that. These truths have always been available, it was me who wasn't. Am I on the right track?

From Connie, the wisdom flows. You may not realize it but for me you are a teacher just as Mark and B have taught me. Your wisdom is a different kind of wisdom. It is a loving wisdom. We love one another but often with painful results. Your wisdom shows me how to maybe take some of the sting out of the love. I did say my feet arent' all the way on the ground yet, didn't I?

I hate to ramble and know that is a tendency. Thank you for allowing me that and giving me kudos when they might not really be due. You love me, that is important. I love you, that is equally important.

Love and Peace.

[canadamaryann]

Hi I am here I have been sick and busy trying to get this move going, then I landed in the hospital, I just got home, they now have me on oxygen 24/7 I was really hoping to have gone longer without it, but I have to admit I feel better on it. Don't know how often I will get on in the next little while the plan is to move into town next weekend, but I missed you all and will try to get on as often as I can. Hope everyone is doing well, I hope to get a chance to read up on what I have missed.

love to you all

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, this is a new one. I'm a grandpa, but I don't recall being called a "parriarch". That's cute. Thanks. There is something so, too, special here. I'll tell you my little take on it. I don't have to wear the mask of social stupidity, the one that makes me act like nothing is wrong in our world, that my wife isn't dying, and we're living in a Beaver Clever world. I don't like that we're all suffering here, but I love the people, who are as open and sweet as can be. I've been here for over a year. These are the greatest, dearest people in the world, all of our friends. Professionally, I'm forced into a secluded and reclusive lifestyle, just to give me my own identity and a little privacy. This isn't my character. Here, I can drop who I am professionally, and be myself. This is my little take on our site. I'm so happy that you are here, our friend. You not only give me hope and encouragement, but you also show kindness and compassion as a friend. Thank you so much for this. I pray you have a good weekend, and get to spend a little of it with your family. luvz and hugz, mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, it's so good to read the insight, wisdom, and the wit from your heart. I'm happy that you're managing well with the aids. We have one here, and she has learned that fine line separating "help" and "under foot". She stays out of the way, at least until she sees me getting into trouble. Without her, my wife would be in a nursing home. Without her, I'd have no clue on paying bills. She means a lot. I pray your aid is this special and caring with you. By what you said, that you love her, I'm going to say you have that special bond. Hallelujah! Please try to take good and gentle care of yourself. I worry and pray for you lots. Some of the people here have made an impact on me, but you're one of a kind, my friend. I admire you, as a person, a counselor, a friend. God bless ya! I'll be here tomorrow nite for a visit. I had to deal with my little headache last nite, so I was limited on my puter time. nitey nite, hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, my prayers are with you on the news from your son. Grandkids change the way we think . . . completely. If you think having that first child was a eye opener, this will tell you why God gives us nine months to get ready. My grandson can turn me to mush in a breath, still. Just thinking about him makes me all tears (my baby girl has a baby). We're having a tough week, and my headaches are acting like stress soooooo much. Little pills, lots of sleep, and prayers. Things are getting better. My wife isn't well, still having loss of memory, loss of consciousness, and even cognitive problems. I really hate this illness. Keep the faith, Mark, and it will all work out. Think it'll work if I hold that thought? Please do something special just for you this weekend. Blame it on me if you want. You're a great friend, and worth a little spoiling. I'll talk to you tomorrow nite. hugz, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CanadaMaryAnn, I'm glad things are going okay with you. Although the O2 is a bit much to get accustomed to, I know it will help you overall. Love your screenname. I'm from near Ottawa, originally. Take good care of yourself, and treat yourself special this weekend. My prayers are with you. We're always here if you need to talk, or need help with something. If we can help, we'll gladly pitch in. nitey nite, Mark

[bahiyya]

Connie/Mark

You all make me want to be a grandmother. My daughter always says that I'll make a great grandmother because I mostly live in a child's world. Is that a compliment?

Rashida, my daughter, is a nanny and every once in awhile I get to keep one of her little ones. My favorite is Julian, 9 months and everything I do with him is either funny or a mystery to him. I think one of the great secrets of life is keeping that innocence -- but then there is the world, isn't there. Bah!

Congratulations to you Connie, I know you too will make a great grandmother!

Mark I agree, this is a "safe" place. I love the candor, honesty and love that I find here. When I was a child I had a recurring nightmare -- I dreamed that I was being chased by a wicked witch (times were much simpliar then). She came closer, but I always out ran her. Finally, just before she was to catch me I ran to the door of a house, knocking and screaming. Finally, a kindly old woman opened the door and let me in. Relieved, I stood resting by back against the door and closed my eyes for a minute. When I opened them, the kindly old woman had become the witch. Horrible dream that haunted me through childhood! But in this place the witches and warlocks that would chase me are powerlesss against the forces that lie within this site. They cannot penetrate the love barrier that you all spread out so generously. I am proud to be a part of this family. Thank you for welcoming me home.

I'm glad to hear Mark that you have assistance for your wife. I read somewhere that as our loved ones transfer in and out of consciousness and awareness their Spirit remains alive and well. I believe even though you wife is appearing to have cognitive and other difficulties, her Spirit is thriving and she is aware of every kindness you give to her. Every expression of love. Doesn't it seem that a mericiful God would make sure it works that way?

You take care of you -- we need you here.

One last word Mark, I've hesitated in offering this suggestion, but I think you will not judge my sanity. Peppermint is a naturalistic assist for headaches. If you can get a small bottle of PURE peppermint oil, rub just a dab at the base of the skull and an even smaller portion just under your nose. You must give yourself about 10 minutes of closed eyes and see if that helps the headaches. Yes, it is an old wives remedy, but I am old, and I use to be a wife. Lots of love and laughter.

Peace

b

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

Glad you liked the poem -- just a short piece that speaks volumns.

What great news about your $$$$! I agree with you, the longer you can avoid the SSI route, do so, there is nothing more stressful that repeating yourself hundreds of times to drones who cannot hear you anyway. Have you seen the commercial where the guy is trying to get through to a "human" to discuss his bill and he is instructed to "press" number after number and respond to mechanical voices and questions that are totally unrelated to what he needs? Who every thought replacing machines with people was a good idea? Did we not learn anything from the Matrix? I know, I'm rambling -- but I enjoy it!

This morning Marilyn I'm going to our orientation. I'll meet the parents, guardians and interested parties of the folks I'll be working with and I believe I'll actually meet some of my students. Hurray! I'm looking forward to it -- I was up this morning around 6:30 a.m. filled with excitment, anxiety, concern, and love. I have you with me I will do a great job. Thank you.

OK Queenie (yes, I'm borrowing from Connie) -- make it a great day and a great weekend. I was outside raking leaves yesterday. Ohmygosh how yard work reminds you of your age. Ugh! But I couldn't resist and I thought of you asking me to live for you -- yes, I will my sister -- your energy fortifies me -- don't think I don't know when you are sending it in abundance. Again, thank you.

I did say I was closing, but just let me share this. All of the trees I planted are blooming. The previous owners of this house did not landscaping so I started with a clean slate. I've been here five years and I've planted fruit trees every year because I feel like your land should help feed you. So, both of my apple trees are filled with blooms - last year I had only two apples but they were delicious. My dwarf peachtrees and brimming with blooms. My lavendar bush is budding and some of my herbs survived the winter - particularly the mint. I'm so exicited -- I love the way life renews itself -- don't you? It's all part of the circle of life -- borrowing from The Lion King now.

Ok, I'm off this time -- I'll try to check in later this weekend. Be well, give yourself a hug for me.

Your Sister,

b

BTW -- what is your favorite tree?

[bahiyya]

MaryAnn

Welcome home -- sorry to hear of your illness and hospitalization. Sounds like you have your hands filled with moving, etc. Take it slow and easy, boxes will wait, I promise.

As you catch up on your reading you will see that everyone kept a light burning in the window for you. This is a good place and you will be embraced with as much love as you are able to accept.

Be well -- we'll look to hear from you soon.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Yippee: It feels like homecoming. My friends are here, welcome back Maryann. We missed you. My take is that every person here is a link in the chain. The chain reaches to valhalla, heaven, paradise, whatever your term for spiritual comfort.

Mark, your quiet acceptance of your wife's changing condition gives me strenght to face my changes. Connie, your devotion to your mother, the strength you gained through the adversity rubs off on me when I read your posts. Osmosis? Is that the word? When you get it by being close?

B, you are my life. The Marilyn who made decisions, had a job, shopped, went out into the world, is gone. The Marilyn who is here now must be content riding on your shoulder. God made me sit down but gave me the best seat in the house through your endeavors with drug court.

Everything is different, it is all good, I am grateful but the new persona is still not really Marilyn? Am I grieving for Marilyn? I miss her. Do other people experience this loss?

What is really painful is that I seem to be the only one who has realized that Marilyn has left the building. The others do not know she has gone. Was I so unimportant that they should not notice? Maybe I did have a ego problem, because I am so sad nobody misses the full of life Marilyn.

I'm whining. What I have to be grateful for is so much I can not even list all of it. I love you and need each one of you. God truly graced me when He allowed me to find you. Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

It is another good day. My friend, Lydia, called this morning to offer to pick up groceries for me. I didn't need much but appreciate her offer. God surrounded me with just the right people.

I am eager for my aide to come tomorrow. These cat baths in front of the sink are not as nice as a shower. Poor girl, she said some patients just wait from Friday til Monday without anything. I promised her with directions I could at least hit the hot spots and be fairly normal. Can you imagine? That will be sad if I get where I must sit in my funk from Friday til Monday due to disease. I won't make the mistake of thinking I can't handle it, though. I know I can handle it if it comes to that. This disease has taught me I am a whole lot tougher than I thought.

Mark, your quiet strength soothes me. I send you positive energy because I feel life depletes your resources as soon as you charge them. Can you wife express to you how important you are to her? If I am intrusive, ignore me. You must be validated that what you are doing is right. It hurts my heart that she might not be able to acknowledge your help.

Connie and your husband, y'all can face any damn thing that comes at you. Along with your dog, you have nothing to fear. I am so grateful to land in the middle of tough, survivor, people. We are each unique but you give me just exactly what I need each day. God graced me so much I can not express it.

I am sorry for Maryann's illness. Just know that this is a powerful place. We this bunch is rooting for you, God's will is a high probability. Each day, I ask for His will in all of our lives. I suppose I should have asked your permission before doing that. May I ask for God's will in each person's life each day? In God's world, there are no mistakes. I can't live there every day but when I do I feel like I have touched heaven.

Love and Peace. B, conquer the world. We are a group that is on a journey, you are the best part of the journey, I hope we continue for a long time. I'm learning truths at a fast pace, what I have learned makes me realize how much more I need to learn before leaving. I love you and thank you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sorry I was offline, my friends. I fell asleep Sunday, and just woke up this morning. The exhaustion of caring for my wife is showing, I guess.

Marilyn, I'm sorry to say, but we face that weekend situation here too, which makes me do more for my wife (not that I'm complaining). It's tiring, and difficult cuz I'm in a wheelchair too. Thanks for being you, and being such a friend.

B, you're such sunshine in our days. So, you wanna be a grandma? Great! I'll only tell you that it changes everything about how we think. My grandson has made me into one of those "let me tell you about my grandchild" people. Seeing our children with children is so amazingly beautiful. It's a perspective on life that you have to experience to fully understand. I wasn't ready for it, and when I met my daughter, it took me a few days to come up to speed that I'm a grandpa.

Now that I'm back in circulation, I hope I can keep the exhaustion from doing that to me again. My big plan today is to call my doctor to see about ordering more nursing hours for my wife, so I can stay healthy. I'm also praying for you all.