I Am Dying...

[bahiyya]

Mark --

Thank you for your kind words -- you give me great honor with your tears because I know they are tears of recognition, joy and love. I am honored to have touched you in such away and honored again that you would share these words with your Beloved.

I thought your words to Marilyn so appropriate -- it seems the greatest joy for humans would be to be accepted as we are. Recognized for the divine spirit we possess. That's so true for me as it seems to be for all of us in this family circle. Marilyn, wanting to be accepted as she transitions from this life to the next. Connie and her wonderful husband, wanting to be recognized for their contributions to their family and their loyalty to their employer. You wanting to be totally accepted by your family and me sharing the same desire -- wanting my mother to just one day look at me and see the "real" me and say those three little words that my very spirit cries out to hear, "I love you."

Again, and I know I'm being redundant here, I feel this family group supports each other so unconditionally because we do accept each member totally and completely.

Thank you all -- Marilyn, Mark, Connie and MaryAnn for the privilege of inclusion - for my place in the family circle.

Peace,

b

[bahiyya]

Queen Sister Marilyn --

I am so proud of you -- so very proud!

You are determination, intensity, and love personified. I'm so glad to have you in my life.

Allow me to share this bit of the Tao with you today -

Empty your mind of all thoughts.

Let your heart be at peace.

Watch the turmoil of beings,

but contemplate their return.

Each separate being in the universe

returns to the common source.

Returning to the source is serenity.

If you don't realize the source,

you stumble in confusion and sorrow.

When you realize where you come from,

you naturally become tolerant,

disinterested, amused,

kindhearted as a grandmother,

dignified as a king [queen].

Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,

you can deal with whatever life brings you,

and when death comes, you are ready.

Peace and Blessing this day and always

Your loving sister,

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, my dear friend, inclusion comes from our hearts. You are a welcome part of our little "family" here. I find it amazing how people are brought together. I read your Tao for today, which is fascinating in its wisdom. Serenity is something people look for, but so few find. For me, you can easily see it's within my marriage and my family. Here, I'm in perfect contentment. I also understand what you wrote of death. I'm Native American. We see death as a part of life, not a change to be dreaded. Be patient in seeking your mom's acceptance. I keep prayers for you, that this day will be soon. I've learned from my turbulent past that they do care, but sometimes have a great difficulty in showing their feelings. It wasn't easy for them. I lost my sister and brother from the same disease I have. They remained emotionally distant to protect their own souls from more pain, in case the disease took me from them. There are reasons parents act the way they do, and it's our job as children to understand this and unlock the door between us. Stay well, rest, and may you have peace. You are a true friend. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, you have such wisdom, and such a depth of compassion. As a Native American, we see death in the way you do, as a natural part of living. You have so much contentment in life, which shows in how you not only accept cancer, but celebrate yourself and your life even with it. Cancer is powerless to take away some things from us, like our joy, peace, love, happiness, and contentment. It can't take our faith, or our hope. It can only affect our physical bodies. I'm sorry I wasn't here last night, since I slept a little too much (again). I woke up at 5pm today. Guess I needed the rest. hehehe. Take good care of yourself, my dear friend. I pray for you daily. Hopefully, I'll stay awake to visit tomorrow evening. hugs, Me

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Evening, Family: It is late but I must share my day with you. My friend Lydia came at 1 PM to prepare me for the video. Hey, I looked good. She had the saucy wig on, makeup, I felt like I looked better than I had looked in months.

We drove over to the center where the equipment, operator and other friend was. As i got out of the SUV to introduce myself to the camera operator, my wig went airborne. Literally. The poor guy chanced it down, laughed, and still seemed glad to meet me. Said he had heard a lot about me. So much for good first impressions.

The video went okay, I had no mood swings, and only a few tearful moments. Tomorrow, Joh, the camera man will drop off a dvd fro me and we will fedex the rest to wonderdocs. I am nervous, I talk like a hillbilly, only used profanity I think maybe twice.

My friend did a good job prompting me when things lagged. I could easily have ended it in 30 minutes but my friend wanted to give them that much to edit. Who knows? Maybe she was right. Anyway, it was a fun day.

Later, a friend from the Reynolds support support came to visit. She is willing to pick me up for tomorrow evening's meeting. I ask her to call late in the day to see how i felt physically.

Although God made me sit down from my 8-5 job, he gave me other projects. I'm grateful for that. I am getting better about wheeling the halls with my walker. There are only a coupld of single men here, at least 6 women for every man. I can see them looking but have not flirted. I would kill one of those guys. Not the mention what the women would do to me.

Life was good to me today. I hope it was as kind to you. I am honored to be a part of the family. You give me what I need to tackle each day. God has truly blessed me through this illness. I recognize it more each day.

Love to everyone of you. Thank you for thinking me regal. I honestly am a genuine hillbilly. Born in oklahoma, traveled to texas a couple of times, and settled in arkansas. And happy as can be. It's all God's world.

Energy coming to you.

[bahiyya]

Marilyn --

My eyes are tearing -- not from sadness -- but from your story of the wig. Ohmygosh -- we really are sisters-under-the-skin, this sounds exactly what I would expect to happen to me. LOL!!!!!!! Later this week I'll tell you about my fall down four flights of stairs at the Sports Arena in Los Angeles. No "grace" is not my middle name.

Anyway, mission accomplished -- it sounds like it was a wonder-filled day and that you shared your special magic once again. KUDOS to you!

Tell us more about when the special will be aired -- is it a public television network production, something local to the director's area, or will we be able to obtain copies of the final product? Let us know. I'd love to meet you face-to-face -- kinda sorta.

My weekend was fairly quiet -- I actually finished my classwork earlier and my daughter and I treated ourselves to an afternoon at the movies -- we saw Spike Lee's new movie Inside Man starring heart throb Denzel Washington. Good movie -- when it comes to DVD ask someone to rent it for you -- very suspenseful.

I also went Sunday (yesterday) to have lunch in town with a dear friend. We had Thai food at my favorite restaurant - yummm -- yes, I did eat too much, but I'm off to the gym tomorrow morning for my reps class. This luncheon was actually an attempt at "matchmaker" -- it was not a good match, but we all had fun and lots of good wine and laughter. Generally that combination never fails.

Marilyn, I start with the kids next Monday (April 10) -- I'm so excited. My daughter (Rashida) was warning me not to expect miracles -- but you know I do anyway -- it's just my nature. I teased her saying that all of my students are going to be Supreme Court Judges, Honest Politicians and Outstanding Citizens. Even if there is just one that gets the concept of the program, I'll be satisfied.

Well, another week we have before us with daylight savings time -- another opportunity to come closer to our goals, another opportunity to shine our light -- I'm excited for us all.

Be the miracle you want to experience,

b

PS I like the idea of you flirting -- why not?! Enjoy, and give a wink for me.

[bahiyya]

Mark --

You are so kind to me -- thank you for always greeting me with your warm embrace.

I love what you said about being the one to open the door between myself and my mother. This is confirmation of something I read recently -- you are absolutely right and this is now something that I'm ready to do. My mother is 88 years old and it would be a wonderful gift to the Universe for us to heal the pain between us before she transitions to the other side. I can have a part in that healing and that holds great power for me. Thank you.

Native American -- how wonderful -- that's the deep centered spiritual bond that you share with us here -- unmistakably, your spirit is mystifying and adds such a soothing balm for the tired soul --

Years ago a friend share a Native American ritual for house blessing with me and I have in turn shared it with many. I use it regularly burning my sage incense and using my Eagle feather to rid my house of unwanted energy. It is a powerful ritual and my home always feels lighter afterwards. There is so much knowledge to be learned from the Ancient Ones of all cultures and I treasure the opportunity to listen, learn, do as the Ancestors direct.

I'm back to the books for a quick minute -- I want to stay on top of my game since I'm going to have to actually put some time into preparing for my classes. I had a dream last night that instead of the 12 girls we've been promised, I arrived at my class and there were over 50 men who were none to happy about being there. The dream was a series of feeling lost and misplaced -- I don't intend to give that energy a place or space in my life -- but it did make for interesting entertainment during the night's rest.

Be well -- give your wife and grandson a hug from me --

Peace and blessings,

b

[bahiyya]

Connie

I know you are working your magic on the would be challenges of your life. Our prayers, meditation and energy is with you.

Agape,

b

[bahiyya]

MaryAnn

The light you see is for you. Be encouraged.

Agape

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: As usual, I am uplifted just seeing the posts. Today has been eventful. It took the camera man longer than expected to prepare video for fed ex. Plus, fed ex isn't open on sunday in fort smith. Anyway, I didn't get it off until almost 2 PM. The clerk said Jenn (producer) should have it by 10 AM her time tomorrow.

Nine radiations down, one to go. For awhile anyway. Get this, I am getting at least three more tumors on my skull. I declined MRI or CAT. When the pain is enough, I'll do more radiation. I'm still thinking okay, I think. Surely someone will tell me if I get too far off base. I'm tired of medical stuff. I nver liked illness. But I have accepted it.

I went to the blood and muscle group tonight. We had a new facilitator. Much better, she kept the group focused on issues. The women cried to see me. But, since I have left, one of the group was given a two-month prognosis, and the other one has a reoccurrence. Maybe it is time for acceptance and reality. I'm just the old girl to give it to them, don't you think?

My arm is killing me. I'm sending prayers and energy to you. I revel in you love and attention. God blessed me when he brought me to you. Peace and Love.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, my puter was hacked and virused, so my son and I had to clean "house" before I dared coming on here. One treatment to go! Yippee! Please take gentle care of yourself. You are such a dear friend, I want you to have the best care, and the best and happiest life you can possibly enjoy. You're doing fine for now, and I'll let you know if you start to sound like you're having difficulties. You are always in my prayers. Now, what do you mean, "old girl?" You're such a young and beautiful woman. And even though you're the one who is giving the others at the group the "wakeup" call about their medical issues, someone with wisdom and tact has to do it, so I guess God thinks you're the perfect one for the job. Rest your arm now. Thank you for praying for us. My wife is having a very good day today. There is still pain, and lots of it, but she's in a good frame of mind, as sweet as ever, and she even felt so well today, she decided to cook a pork roast for dinner (it's soooooooo yummy). I agree with the blessings, but I think we're the blessed for knowing such you, such a precious and dear friend. Have a good Tuesday, and I'll write tomorrow if I'm not hacked again (hope not). luvs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, thank you for stopping in here. Getting to know you here has been a sweet part of our lives. This website has been my little source of peace and solace for a long time. Some of us get to be very close friends here. My puter got a virus, so I had to fix that before coming back online. I hate missing a day from here. My wife has been having a good day. She even got up long enough to make pork roast with our aid. My sweetie is such a good cook. Now, I'm stuffed. hehehe. Our other family news is that my daughter is coming home in two weeks, which will help so much with the household things. I love having her here, and miss her like crazy when she leaves (mushy old daddy). When she goes home this time, I am driving her home so I can spend a few days with my grandson. It's amazing that a little child can put tears in an old man's eyes with a smile. He's a sweet little angel. I love him so much. Well, take care, and enjoy the day. I'll be here tomorrow nite, unless I'm virused or unconscious. (tee hee). hugs, Mark

[bahiyya]

Good Morning Family --

Wow! Good reports all around -- this is wonderful news.

Good to see Mark, and my Beloved Queen Sister Marilyn in high spirits. As we celebrate life we are also holding our Sweet Connie and MaryAnn in high consciousness knowing that they are whole, perfect and complete wherever they are.

Marilyn -- one more radiation -- ok -- I'm doing the Snoopy dance over here. How do you plan to celebrate when this is over? Something nurturing and fun, I hope. Keep us posted.

I'm glad to hear the video project is complete - please provide additional information as to how we can obtain a copy of this documentary.

I'm just amazed at how completely you have submitted yourself to be used by God. Look at the wonderful work you are doing -- those women in the group certainly need a dose of reality and indeed you will be a great sage for them. Keep up the good work -- you have much to do. I like Mark's wisdom, however, don't forget to take some nurturing, healing time for yourself -- this will keep you energized to continue your work.

--

Mark -- again, thank you for your kind words of welcome and comfort. I'm so glad to hear that your wife has regained a portion of her energy. Cooking -- oh, that's my favorite activity as well -- the pork roast sounds scrumptous.

A visit from your daughter -- a special event indeed -- I can relate -- I remember when my daughter was off in college -- a visit from her was like Christmas everytime. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

In all your nurturing and loving -- don't forget to take care of yourself -- stay well, be blessed, know that you are loved.

Agape,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: Like B, I love to see action at our meeting place. Yes, life is good, dying continues to be an adventure.

I finished radiation yesterday. They gave me the hood they used for therapeutic radiation simulations. It's a white hood, shrunk to fit my face and head. I hung it on my wall.

My hair is coming out in clumps. Yesterday, eating lunch, I noticed hair drifting down. When my friend came over, I asked her to shop vac my head. She did. It helped.

Someone is coming tonight to give me a very, very, short twiggy type of cut. So far, I love the hats, turbans, and stuff from the cancer house.

Last night a friend came over that I hadn't seen for awhile. He drives a tow truck as sideline. Well, he got a call. He invited me to go and since I'd never been in a tow truck, I went. It was fun. We picked up a cadilac and took it home.

Arm is killing me, more later. Love and Peace

[bahiyya]

Queen Marilyn

Glad to hear from you --

I love the haircut idea -- again, we are sharing so much in common -- I wear my hair very short indeed, and as I mentioned to you it is dyed red -- see me coming. Really, the short cut sounds both practical and enjoyable -- as well, we are about to go directly from winter into summer -- today the temp was in the high '70s in Georgia and tomorrow the low '80s -- a short do will be exactly what you want to wear.

I am sooooo glad the radition is over -- whew! what an ordeal -- but now it is behind you -- I find it very interesting that you kept the "mask" what does it represent to you?

Talk with you soon -- keep on truckin' Sistah Girl!

Luv ya,

b

[marilynwhite3049]

The mask represents "I fought the pain and won." I have her hanging in my living room. She looks similar to the face that tells the lady about termites on a tv commercial.

They are viewing my video today. Jenn said she would call or email and let me know what she thought. I haven't even gone to the bathroom without my phone. I like having things to look forward to.

Y'all have shown me that just because I don't have a job, I still have a life. It is a darn good life. Better than most ever achieve. God has blessed me with this cancer. This year might have been the biggest growing year of my life.

Since I stayed so long in addiction, I had not experienced much middle age type living when cancer came to stay. Well, this year I think I have jammed middle age and old age into one category. It's been good.

Mark, did you get more aide hours? Bless your heart. I can not even imagine two sick people in the same house. I know here they have something called respite care. It allows the caregiver a chance to get out and take a break. Could you access some of that?

Connie, our rock, how is your situation? Have you had a long, soothing bubble bath lately? Sometimes, that is about all I can do. If you want, I allow myself to feel pity, anger, resentemtn, pick any feeling, and I really feel it throughout the bath. But, when the water drains away, so does that feeling. I move one to more pleasant things.

My arm is hurting. Peace and LOve

[clittlelady]

HI TO ALL MY PRECIOUS FRIENDS:

I've missed you all, so much. This last weekend I was sick and started my new job Monday. My back has really been causing me severe pain this whole week, just when I needed to be my sharpest and put my best foot forward. I should win an Emmy. Each day has begun and ended with pain. I've said nothing to no one, because each time I hurt, MARILYN, I think of you and all you've persevered. My heart has been with you all this week. I really miss sharing with you all. The Job has been a totally different shifting of gears from what I've been doing for fourteen years. UGGHHH. But, I'm living proof, an old dog, can learn new tricks. Today, I had an appointment with a specialist, whom my orthopedic doctor referred me to for my back. Oh, I was a medical transcriptionist for thirteen years, before becoming a court reporter. I knew very well his terminology, sacroiliac joints, and all the little detailed nerve endings he discussed with me, as he looked at my MRI. I've already had one injection in my back, which plainly just hurt like crap! I cried, I admit it, cried like the baby I am. Glad my husband was there to drive me. Now, it seems they want to knock me out, to some degree and inject my spine while they view it on an x-ray at the same time and see if they can find my "trigger" point? Okay, I know where the trigger point is guys! It's my back! I'm dreading it, but I know it's necessary. I guess I'll have it one day next week. Sounds like if this doesn't help, cauterizing some nerve endings or something like that is next. My husband is still in the same limbo, but each day the sun shines and God is still our King. We sit smack dab in the palm of his hand, I try to keep that visual in mind. Today was a hard day, not only with my pain, but my best friend found out her dad has lung cancer. His doctor told him it was due to second hand smoke. Her mom smokes and now has many emotions to deal with. They begin chemo and radiation therapy Monday. MARILYN, I was able to say things to her to encourage her that just flowed out of me, because of YOU. Because of knowing YOU.

MARILYN, I'm so very proud of you and all that you've conquered and shared. You've given a very special part of yourself to so many, not just here, but with the video, your work continues, you bear good fruit. It's good to know you've been able to get out of the house. I loved your hair buddy story. I flashed a cute visual of that in my mind. You're lovely, I promise, even if you have the Kojak look. Oh and by the way... the bubble bath? It's on my list of things to do. I have some bath salts that are suppose to ease aches and pains. I think I'm giving it a try tonight. Between that and my old pal the heating pad, I'll get through this.

MARK, Hooray for the pork roast! I know it was more than the taste of the meal that gladdened your heart! I love to cook and haven't made a pork roast in a while, with lots of brown gravy. I did stumble onto making my own stuffed pork chops. I bought a pork loin and cut it into about an inch and a half slices, made the litle pouch, made my own dirty rice with secret ingredients and stuffed those little suckers, then grilled them. Oh my my, Richard truly loves to eat and was very pleased that little find. It's good to hear you will get to visit with your daughter and even better to hear you'll be able to let the Little Man wrap you a little tighter (smiling).

B: Thanks for all your well wishes and positive energy you've sent my way. As I said above, things have been hectic. I've dealt with pain as well. I'm in a lot of pain right now, but at this point I realize I'm close to the weekend, I'll make it. Hope all has been well with you my friend. You are such a blessing to us all. Thanks for being here. Love to you.

GUYS, TO ALL OF YOU: I'm missing my Mother really bad these last few days. I heard my brother from Colorado is in town. He hurt me so and really let me down by now helping burying our Mother. He wouldn't have been able to tell her good bye and she hear his voice once more before dying, had I not called him and put him on my cell phone, speaker phone. She knew who he was and was happy. He heard her voice one last time and yet didn't come or participate in her funeral at all. I pray he doesn't try to contact me. I don't think I can handle it right now. Our Mother never really accepted any of us for who we are as adults, but she loved us as best she could. I know that in my heart. She wasn't a perfect person, but that made me love her more. I can't imagine anything she could have done to make her sons neglect her so. I know that's all beyond my control, but it's hit me hard these last few days, knowing he's in town. I don't really want to crawl under a rock, but I sure wish they would. Sorry for dumping this here... just a good time to cry. I love you guys. Because of you guys and the reality of losing my Mother, each day I make a conscious effort to try and live it as if it were my last. My mother always had a little saying for me, "Honey, don't get so in a hurry with life, you never know when you put on your shoes this morning, if it may be the undertaker who takes them off at night."

I think I'm going to find that bubble bath now. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you all. Love to you, from the bottom of my heart. God Bless!

Love, Connie

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

And indeed you are a winner! Congratulations!

Let us know about Jenn's response.

Rest, and take care of that arm.

Peace,

b

PS Love the bath therapy idea.

[bahiyya]

Mark -- we are loving you right where you are -- knowing that all is well in your place and space.

Enjoy your family!

b

[bahiyya]

Connie

Welcome home -- you were missed.

Sorry to hear that you are having such pain -- I'm like you, I'm a real baby when it comes to pain. I had foot surgery mid 2004 and made sure the pain meds were on my bedside table before I went in for the surgery.

I hope doctors and other health care professionals will be able to give you some relief very soon. Meanwhile, I am sending a soothing cyber massage for your back. I am glad your husband is there for you.

Connie, I so treasure your conversations about your mother. As you know I am trying to heal some deep wounds related to my mother and you have such a wonderful outlook and positive schema as it relates to your mother. Thank you for blesssing me in this regard. As you said to Marilyn, her story, her strength and power blesses us all -- you do the same for me as I try to heal and repair the relationship between my mother and myself. Mark gave me some wonderful advice a few days ago that I took to heart. Now, whenever I think about, or am with my mother I visualize mending a fence and adding a greater dimension of love to the world. You are all such a wonderful gift to me. Thank you. You and your Mom are blessed to have each other.

I'll be praying for your good health, wealth and energy --

Agape,

b

PS New job -- doing what?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, you don't need to be worried about a Emmy for how you act when you hurt. You're carrying far more than most people, and I feel like a bum for my "housecat" lifestyle when I think of you. Lately, I've been overtired, more like exhausted, and feeling so deeply depressed, I really don't know quite what to do about myself. Oh, I know I need to rest more, and deal with the source of my depression, but I don't seem to want to, or I just don't have the drive to take care of me. I'm so worried about my wife's health, I tossed myself onto the back burner, and there I sit (slightly browned, but raw in the middle). I'm thrilled to hear that you have the new job. Sorry you are hurting so. Please take real good care of yourself, my friend. You need to stay well for the business at hand. Yeah, the pork was sooooo good, and for more than Teriyaki pork. I love dirty rice, and some one of these days, I'm going to get the recipe dialed in right, and it'll be spicy enough for my burned out taste buds. hehehe. I'm still praying for you and your hubbie. Keep the faith, my Christian sister. He's on your side. luv, hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, it's fascinating to me that you can write just a few words, yet they mean so very much to me. Thanks. Lately, I'm feeling very tired, and depressed. Maybe her illness is taking a toll on me too. I'm going to talk to a friend, also in counseling. She was always there for me while I was in grad school. Take care of you, and I pray you have lots of time to enjoy with your family this week. hugs, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, when I have a week like this one, where I feel blue and depressed about "my" situation, I think of those with a lot more courage and strength than myself. I think of you. We're supposed to get more care hours soon, and for the times I want to get out of town to visit my daughter, we will have respite care. It's not that she needs medical attention all the time, just supervision. Some days are like watching a two year old. When she does too much, the next day is filled with pain, so I have to keep her from overdoing. She's always been active, so sitting still is more upsetting to her than having the dystrophy. Funny people, aren't we? No, you may not have a "job", but you have so much you give to us all. I sit in awe and pure admiration of you. Honestly, you have been a blessing and encouragement to me and my family since the first day we talked. Thank you for all of that. I can easily see you enjoying the ride in the towtruck. You have such an adventuresome spirit, you must have been the highlight of your friend's day. So, what's next? A ride in a semi? Enjoy yourself, and please, take care of yourself too. I keep you always in my prayers. luvz, hugs, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings, Loved ones: It has been a long day and is my bedtime but had to check in for my soul.

Friends come to my rescue, just at the right monent. I haven't needed to drive because my friends call every day to see if I need anything.

I am getting quite proficient with my geiser cart. It has wheels and a seat. If I get somewhere and need to rest. I can. A few months ago, I would have resisted it, even though it would have been a good solution.

Y'all have taught me that this is an adventure--some good--some questionaable. But adventure all the same. I might as well go with the flow. Some of the stuff has relly been fun. Like the Walmart cart. It will turn on a dime.

Love an Peacd.

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning, Family: Isn't it great how when one of us is down, the others are able to pull that person along until they fly alone. I am so grateful for the way the Spirit of the Universe is allowing me to leave.

Good news, the documentary wants a second tape. They said I was incredible!! Anyway, Sunday we will do another tape. What fun. Cancer has opened a lot of doors, ones I never thought I would want to open. But, it's all been good.

Still working on paper for palliative unit. Waiting for next set of suggestions of revisions. Together, we can make a paper that will help future patients. I know it and believe it. It will happen.

My music came in for dying. I've listened to it. It's too mellow right now, I'm more into Etta James and Aretha Franklin. But, I have it when it is time. It will be clearly marked. I definitely want the right music for the leap.

I'm rambling and my arm hurts. I send everyone good energy and thank God for you daily. Love and Peace

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Dear, precious friend, I love the way you are shining! Like I said before, you bear good fruits. The way you're viewing your illness now, working, doing a very important JOB, to make sure that those who follow you, will have a knowledgable reference, encouragement and support, realism, it's truly remarkable. I've heard some say we live for one defining moment. I'm not so sure about one, but I believe we have a specific purpose for our being and you are most definitely in a position of importance, purpose. What you are going through will be the DIFFERENCE in how someone else is able to view and cope with their last days, the quality they can attain. You will give them a new hope for facing each new day. Some people live a lifetime with money, prestige, intellect, influence and power and never utilize it in a way to give back or leave something good behind. What a waste.

Yes, be thankful for friends. Isn't it miraculous how things work out. When you have a need, the way it's met? I'm glad they are there for you.

How is Your Mom and Sister? Also, how is your sister-in-law doing? Does she come to see you?

I'm glad to hear about the second video. I'm sorry your arm is continuing to hurt you. You're in my prayers for pain free days.

Marilyn, you crack me up with the motor cart in Wal Mart. Yes, they will turn on a dime! It brought back memories. Believe me, I've chased behind my Mother, many times. Not only do they turn on a dime, but she always asked for the "one with a freshly charged battery". She could fly like the wind! I was always worried she was going to leave many casualties behind. Thank God it never happened when I was with her.

Music was very important for me to have for my Mother. I believe it soothed her. It was honestly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but one of the most important as well. Loving her cheek to cheek and holding her sweet little frail body, as she drew her last breath has forever changed me. She was there for my first breath and I was there for her last, how bittersweet. Through my tears though, I believe with everything within me that she stepped from this life of pain and suffering to a fresh, painless new world of flawless beauty and happiness and there she awaits the rest of her children. I'm praying my grandparents and her sisters and my brother were all waiting there with open arms for her. Her favorite Christian hymn was "I'll Fly Away". And she did.

Talk to you later. Wish you peace and rest for this night.

Love Ya Sister...

Connie

[clittlelady]

B:

How are you doing today? Hope all is well with you. I've made it through the first week of straining my brain at the new job. Thank God it's Friday!. I'm picking up my twin nieces tomorrow at noon to spend the night with me. They called me up last night and pleaded with me to stay. I can't tell them no. We always have a "Shoe shopping" adventure. I'm teaching them young! We may visit Home Depot and pick up some plants so we can do a little gardening. They love getting in the dirt with me. We've had threatening weather today, Tornado warnings, but it's suppose to be pretty tomorrow. Hope so. Last time they stayed, it stormed and we kept going and going and going anyway. We looked like drowned rats when we got home.

Peace, love and success to you... God Bless.

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARK:

Hope you're enjoying your weekend. Thanks for all you're loving words of encouragement. Back Burner? I know where that is. Hope you find the "chiller drawer" and can cool down for a while. Wish you both love, warm days and breezy nights.... God Bless.

Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, chiller? Okay, but only if I can have my coffee in there. hehehe. My doc tossed these little red wonders at me, with instructions to take them liberally. Hmmmm. I think the man knows me too well. Today was another fire in the kitchen thing, on top of getting yelled at from my doc. Not too bad, but that pie really took a beating. The poor thing tastes like charred cardboard. This is why we need 24 hour supervision for my wife. Three of these in two months. But, when I was all stressed from the fire, my daughter called, which is the perfect way for daddy to calm down. What can I say? She's daddy's girl. How's things with your hubbie? I'm always praying. Now, I'm going to enjoy the "breezy night". It's about 35 degrees (in your scale of measuring - about 2 celsius). Good night to go swimming??? hehehe. Take care, and enjoy your weekend. I'll visit more tomorrow. Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, now watch being a hotrod in the WalMart cart. Don't get a speeding ticket in the express checkout. hehehe. They booted me out for going too fast in my wheelchair. I'm so impressed and moved by your outlook. Adventure isn't quite the word I'd have chosen in 2000, when I was in a coma for 8 days. However, since that illness, I've lost the 'fear' of the process. I love the music idea. Aretha? You have class! For me, living in the music world has been my privilege and joy. I'd have no other career, even though I have a degree in social work. I'm too happy being on stage. Keep yourself well this weekend, and have a lot of fun. I always keep you in my prayers. hugs for my friend, Mark

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Loved Ones: Thank you for the praise and encouragment. I believe my theme song should be, "I get by with a little help from my friends." song by Joe Cocker. People praise me but the real praise goes to those who cheer me on.

Tonight I have worked on the questions sent for the second tape. Hopefully, this Sunday, I will settle down quicker. I was quite anxious for at least the first 30 minutes of last tape.

The second tape will tell more of my story. More of how I got here, why I want others to reach this point, and hopefully some tips people can follow to make their last days valuable.

The native american music I ordered for dying is great. I have headphones because I am sure it will not suit everyone. But at least I will get to hear it.

I'm also thinking about a wake. First, I must research the proper and acceptable way of doing one. I don't want to piss any group of people off by disrespecting one of their customs.

Epitaph: Death is not a foe. It is an inevitable adventure. What do you think? a Sir Sidney Lodge said it. Who was he?

My friend who helped me prepare my house for sale. He has come back into the flock. I am grateful, I love him. But, I realized that i would leave a big gap in his life, I made him mad and he stayed away. Finally, after a few weeks I called him and asked to resume our friendship. He is willing and told me that it isn't my business how I affect his grief, I'm not in charge. He is right.

Mark, your loving nature shines like a beacon. Connie, you have given me the desire to improve my relationship with my mother. We spent the afternoon together. She really is good company. I am grateful God gave us this time to rebond.

B, please say more about work. I love to hear about life in the real world. What I am living does not seem real. I feel as if I am transcending to different planes at odd times. Then, only parts of me return. Maybe mine will not be a leap. Maybe it will simply be answering a call and following the spirit where it lead me. Love and Pease

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Hi Friend.... You sound very busy (smiling). It pleases me that the love my Mother and I shared has not ended, that I still feel it still and it still has purpose. I cherish my memories. I'm glad you are making special ones with your Mother. The sun is setting, there is a yellow haze to the sky. The breeze is inviting and there is a sweet smell of spring in the air. I mowed my back yard and worked some in my flower beds. I'm sure, absolutely positive I will feel it in the morning. UGHHHHH. Today I feel the sense of accomplishment. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. Had to watch for snakes. Found two ground rattlers last year, believe me, you could have probably heard me all the way to your front door, if you had listened closely! Now I wear gloves and long pants and use a wrake more than I use to. A little more cautious. The azaelas are blooming so beautifully and the dogwoods. Wish Mom could see them, but then again, where she is probably puts my garden to shame. I had my eight year old twin nieces this weekend. Oh, they were something else. I've never had them to bicker so much between themselves as they did this visit. They kept me on my toes, but I love them dearly. Their names are Madison (Maddy) and Mazzy. Maddy told me she had decided I was her favorite aunt and I was the coolest and I rocked. Hummmmmmm? What's funny is, we were listening to the radio and I had it on the 50's, 60's and 70's classic hits station and they were singing to the songs. They knew the words and would tell me, oh I love this song, it's one of my favorites. I said okay, I'm 45 and they're 8 and we both love James Taylor, Rod Stewart, The Righteous Brothers???? I took them to the ballet that was held at one of our parks in the ampitheatre. It was a beautiful day for it.

I guess I'll try to catch up with some laundry now. I know you're excited about your next video. Again Marilyn, I'm proud of you. This is a very special thing you're doing. Love Ya.

Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, you are a precious and dear friend. I may not see myself the same way you do, but you are allowed to have your view of me any way you wish. I just see myself as a guy in this world who is fortunate and blessed enough to be able to love his family. My children are my world, other than what is contained in my faith. I absolutely love what you emailed me. This is such a meaningful tribute to ourselves, our lives, our future. You have a great wisdom and inspiration to think this way. Is the music you chose from a particular tribe, or a collection from many tribes? I'm a musician, but also Native American. It's so good to have the relationship you do with your mom, and with your friend. He's right. The way he's affected by your cancer is his own. I'm affected by my wife's illness in a way that only I can understand, even though it has done things to my soul I so often need my friends' help with. I'm not one for dealing with this all that well. It's not so much that my wife will die, but what upsets me most is that I must face my own life without her. This is part of loving someone . . . saying goodbye. For you, my dear friend, I cherish the friendship we share. You are truly an inspiration to me. I find hope and joy in our visits. Have a good night, and sweet dreams. luv and prayers, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, the Righteous Brothers? Hmmmm. Did you know that Elvis Costello played with Roy Orbison? Trivia. hehehe. I just can't picture those two sharing a stage. My favorite Elvis song is "Green Shirt". So, you're the favorite aunt? You do realize this is a child's way of getting cooler gifts on Christmas and birthday? I pray you don't think you're old at such a young age. This is the age we start to think "I'm too young to feel this old". Hope you guys are feeling well and having fun this weekend. Praying for you, with luv, Mark

[clittlelady]

Hi To Everyone... Thought I would check back in... actually, truthfully, after a three loads of laundry, I needed a break??!!

MARK:

I trust you've had a good weekend. Hoping so anyway. Ya Think better gifts might be the motive? News flash, they know they can nail me not only on holidays, but just about every visit we do a shopping trip. I mean, all those shoes are out there! Somebody has to buy them? No, I didn't know Elvis Costello had performed with Roy Orbison. What do you know? Roy Orbison was my first CD purchase. I hate all my good ole tapes are just stored. I can't thrown them away. I'm too attached. I've been trying to replace them, with CDs one at a time. Hey, don't laugh, but I just threw away all my eight track tape collection last summer. One of which was Johnny Cash's "Walk The Line." Now, of course, I could kick myself. A musician has soul that's for sure Mark and with your Native American heritage, that explains why you are so wonderful. That explains the nature of your heart and how you treasure what's the most important in life. My husband is Native American and his thoughts are deep and true. If he tells me to be cautious of someone or something, I listen. His intuition into someone's character is so amazing. I'm very respectful of him and his opinions.

No, I don't think I'm old, I just have a hard time convincing parts of my body of that. However, when someone asks my age, I'm not afraid to tell them that number, but somehow it doesn't seem like that could be possible, I was just celebrating my 17th birthday on the roof of my Mother's house, with my four brothers, tearing off old shingles and putting on the new ones. Don't ever say my Mother didn't know how to throw a party! Okay, I was dainty. She finally got her daughter after all those boys. I can tell you this though, I fought dainty, every step of the way. I wanted a motorcycle when I was sixteen. She had a fit. I loved horses and loved to go to my brother's and ride his horses. She thought me a tomboy. I wanted to join the military when I was graduating high school, I mean after all, they kept sending me these wonderful invitiations! She had another fit. I guess I would have ended up like Private Benjamin, I was looking for the one with the condos on the beach??? And here I am 45?? I've been blessed. I am blessed.

Wishing you good rest tonight and a bright day tomorrow friend, for you and your Honey.

Love Ya..

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

I'm Glad you've let your friend back in. Everything is for a reason. I hope he realizes you're royalty. Let him deal with his grief whenever that time comes, but for now, let him deal with his feelings for you, with you. This makes my heart glad Marilyn.

You know, I wanted to do a wake for Mother, but I was so exhausted after the way everything turned out with her brother being buried the day before, out of state, it was just to much for the family. However, wakes have always been a tradition in our family upon losing a loved one. It seems to give one last special attention to the loved one who is gone, to honor them by staying with them. We did this for my grandparents, one of my aunts and my brother and my sister-in-law. I know in some parts of the country, people fee differently about it, as it is not as much in their culture as it is ours. You must do what you want to do. Plan it the way you want it Marilyn. That is something that is not mandatory for all guests, just the close family and friends that choose to participate. If someone is uncomfortable with that, it's their option to leave. Your life speaks of who you are and your death memorializes that and honors not only the loved one who has died, but it allows the loved one to make special arrangements to honor those who were important in their life, especially in such as case as someone knowing they're dying and having that opportunity. Honey, do what feels right in your heart. You're a classy, intelligent lady. You don't have to have traveled the world over to be classy or notice it in someone else. Love Ya My Friend.

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

I'm Glad you've let your friend back in. Everything is for a reason. I hope he realizes you're royalty. Let him deal with his grief whenever that time comes, but for now, let him deal with his feelings for you, with you. This makes my heart glad Marilyn.

You know, I wanted to do a wake for Mother, but I was so exhausted after the way everything turned out with her brother being buried the day before, out of state, it was just to much for the family. However, wakes have always been a tradition in our family upon losing a loved one. It seems to give one last special attention to the loved one who is gone, to honor them by staying with them. We did this for my grandparents, one of my aunts and my brother and my sister-in-law. I know in some parts of the country, people fee differently about it, as it is not as much in their culture as it is ours. You must do what you want to do. Plan it the way you want it Marilyn. That is something that is not mandatory for all guests, just the close family and friends that choose to participate. If someone is uncomfortable with that, it's their option to leave. Your life speaks of who you are and your death memorializes that and honors not only the loved one who has died, but it allows the loved one to make special arrangements to honor those who were important in their life, especially in such as case as someone knowing they're dying and having that opportunity. Honey, do what feels right in your heart. You're a classy, intelligent lady. You don't have to have traveled the world over to be classy or notice it in someone else. Love Ya My Friend.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Loved Ones: The second tape is complete. It was even longer. One hour thirty-four minutes, plus it is more serious. On numerous topics, WOW asked me to go deeper. I accommadated them. I did shed a few tears but also I laught a little bit. It was fun. For this tape, I wore a hat. Guess to show that I am versatile and adaptable. What do you think?

Cancer has allowed me to meet people and do things that I never have done before. Once I relaxed and started enjoying it, my days are much better.

Friend Greg, yes I love him like a brother. But I do not want to hurt him. He cares much but shows his emotions very little.

I still pray everyday for this group. I know I have you behind me because yesterday one of the questions, I thought, how would I respond on the board. I responded to the question just like I would have responded here. I could do that because y'[all are carrying me along. We have a voice and I'm it/ I want to do a good job.

arm hurthing Love and Peace

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

Good for you, Friend. I'm very glad you have completed the second video. The hat, yes a great idea. You're leading the way for many others. Proud of you. I'm battling a headache right now, just got in from work. I'm going to check back in later. God Bless....

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Friends: I just got back from cancer house support group. I believe they are comfortable with me and our new facilitator is discussing real issues, well, she is getting us to discuss real issues. It' a good thing.

I am eager for feedback on tape 2. They might be finished and they might want more. Either way is okay.

The woman at the palliative unit put me off for another week today. I am thinking of going over her head. I will pray about it and give her the rest of the week. Next Monday, I will take action. I don't have a lot of time, surely, and this woman is not putting me off until I die. It is important to me, and I am persistent and believe there is more than one way to solve something, I'll find it.

Anyway, thank you for loving and supporting me. I am able to get out, go to walmart, use all the geiser equipment, I am able to accept what this disease is doing to my body. Yall helped me get here. Love and Peace

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

What were the reasons for the lady at the palliative unit putting you off for another week? Surely next week is not a good answer or an acceptable one. I hope you get it straightened out soon. I have faith that you'll move the mountain. Marilyn, it has been my blessing to know you, I'm richer in my spirit for it. You're a real gem. I don't like that this is what you must go through, but I don't question it either. I love you and support you and believe that there is a better place with a reward for all your hard work and efforts you've put forth in this life. Love and Peace to you as well, my friend, my sister.

Connie

[lauraa]

Marilyn,

I have to tell you what an inspiration you are to me. Your spirit soars! I have lost several family members a couple years ago.....I witnessed things that have proven to me that our spirits live on and when it is our time.....it is with complete dignity and grace.......I think of you often and gain strength myself from you! I have been wanting to tell you that now for weeks but didn't want to intrude. God bless.......

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings, Fellow Travelers: Lauraa, you are most welcome here. The group welcomed me and like them, I welcome whomever comes. So far, I don't think anyone got here by mistake. Not that everyone has liked it, but it was not a mistake to wind up here.

I had reconciled myself that I was terminal when I found this site. Of course, I had passed the median survival time by several months by then. Thank you for your praise. I feel that I continue to do well because people prayer and support me in all my endeavors. I have never had so much support. I love it.

Mark, he is our beacon of love and hope. Before I met Mark I did not know true love existed. I just thought it was harliquin romance stuff. I didn't think people really loved that way. I never experienced it. Not that I didn't go through plenty of men.

Arm hurting.

I love this group. Thank you for the encouragement. Love and Peace

[lauraa]

Marilyn,

You are so right about Mark...I also consider him a dear friend and inspiration. His relationship with Mary is so similar to mine and my husband whom I lost last year.....It takes a true gentleman to stay and care for the one he loves....Mark,I hope you are reading this because you know I love you, too! I lost both my parents and my husband last year all withing 6 months of each other....you all keep me going just by your human-ness, truthfulness, kindness....you are all authentic in this great big lonely world that I live in now....You are all warriors! I think we are all surrounded by angels (really). I know my dad was when he "passed on"......and I think we are, too! Well hell, maybe even we are angels...did you ever think of that? I mean heck.....You all have a peaceful nite and I will send positive energy your way tonight.

[bahiyya]

Family --

Greetings from Snellville, GA

Forgive my absence -- classes, research, and work.

I haven't caught up on your earlier posts, but I will do so this weekend. Promise. I am glad to see that everyone has been here and reporting in.

Last night was the first "official" class session with the girls. IT WAS FABULOUS!!!! My co-facilitator (Tonya) and I had prepared well and the class went off without a hitch. The girls are fascinating, interesting, and a pleasure to be around. Tonya is an ex-parole officer and she said that these were exceptional girls. We had five young ladies ranging in ages from 14 to 17. A couple are mothers and all except for one is still in school. According to their parole officers, they are all "new" to the system so if we can plant the seed to keep them on the right track, we will have accomplished much. They were attentive, well mannered and polite -- as I said before I was very impressed.

Tonya and I will meet with the girls every Monday and Wednesday from 5:30 to 7 p.m. for 12 weeks. The program is a cognitive program called Thinking for a Change (T4C). T4C has three primary sections (1) cognitive self change, (2) social skills and (3) problem solving. It is an interactive program and has received good positive feedback.

Ok -- as you can see I'm totally committed --

Everyone take care -- those who celebrate Easter, Happy Easter, those of us who celebrate Passover, Happy Passover -- those of us who celebrate life -- Life is Good!

Be well -- talk with you all next week.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Fellow Travelers: I bask in the joy, peace, hope, and encouragement that radiates from this board. When things happen, I am eager to tell you about it so you can share my happiness.

First off, I kept my radiation mask from the last series. They just throw them away but some people want them. I wanted mine. I hung her in my living room and said she stood for "I fought the pain and I won."

My recovery sponsor is creative. She thought my face needed a little decorating. We went to Dollar Store and Ann bought flowers and plants. I bought dreadlocks, two different colors, a red ponytail, 3 beanies, and two sparkly scarves that fit and do not have to be tied. I feel 100% better. I say I am not vain, but my looks do matter. Plus, you should have seen the fellow residents stare when I walked to check my mail. I was wearing a black beanie with blonde dreadlocks hanging out.

Arm hurting, be back later. Love Peace

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, I think you have come up with the most amazing idea. Keeping the mask is more than a symbol of hope; it's a sign of your strength and determination to keep living no matter. I love your courage. You are how old? 18? a black beenie with blonde dreds? Oh, you are sooooo cool! I can only imagine how cute ya looked. Stay "Forever Young". That's from Rod Stewart. I'm now listening to some old (very old) Mott the Hoople. I've been feeling the exhaustion again, and my aid yelled at me to sleep, so I took a sleeping pill, which knocked me out for two days. What a bum I am! What am I saying!? I'm listening to Mott the Hoople, aren't I? That's class, isn't it? You decide. I'm in a silly mood tonight, so forgive my nonsense. luv ya, hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, I totally get the absence. It's okay, as long as it's for work, or college, or love. hehehe. I pray you can plant the right "seed" of hope and growth in these young ladies so they can become all the good and virtue and kindness and hope I see in you. They have a great role model. We never know how many people or just how deeply we touch someone's heart when we simply be ourselves around them. Character is learned, never forced. I'd love to read some of your research, if it's allowed. I did my grad work in social work in Syracuse U. Have a good nite. I'm tired, so I'm crashing early. luvz, Me.

[marilynwhite3049]

Greetings: Mark, why did the aide holler at you? I don't like being yelled at, it makes me sad. Now if you wanted to take the sleeper anyway, I guess being yelled at is a good excuse. I'm kidding. I don't like hollerers.

Things have gone good for me today. Remember me saying that the unit director was dragging her feet on completing the paper. She wants me to take out that if you anger the nurses it will impact the care you get. I modified it, but I'm not going to totally leave it out. I've had better weekends in prison than I had there.

Well, the social worker was here today. I have given copies of the documentary tapes for hospice to use as training. Anyway, Vickie mentioned that the head person is eager to see the finished product that Janie and I are working on. Well, I printed off a copy and sent it with her.

God works things out without my help. I seem to forget that. Anyway, the paper got where it needed to go and I didn't have to go over her head. I simply gave the paper to social worker. Most of them think it is neat that I want to make things better for those behind me.

arm hurting, later

[clittlelady]

HI TO EVERYONE:

MARILYN:

Hope this is a good day for all. Marilyn, sounds like you're being productive and groovy at the same time with your style choices, luv it. Keep up the good work my Friend and stay true to your heart in all that you do.

MARK:

Mark, my husband has a saying, when I'm, shall I say, very strong in my will, he affectionately reminds me that I "Have a Head Like a Rock." (Smiling) Well my name is a derivative of standing firm in what I believe, as well as my Irish roots, so, there you are. I understand your pushing yourself and probably not even realizing how exhausted you've become. Glad you broke down and took the pill... You've got to rest your mind and your body. About the hollering? Tell me it was not in a serious context? I mean becuase if it was? Tell this dude or dudette that you've got family, lots of quality family who won't stand for that.

B:

I envy you, in a good way. You're being what I call, "The Difference". Those young women will take that seed you plant and possibly change the entire course of their lives. Can I have a sharing moment here? For all the love I have for my Mother, some forms of her love were detrimental to me as a young person. She was so overprotective of me and strict on my upbringing because I was her ony daughter, after four sons, she almost suffocated me. She had me when she was almost 42. She wanted to keep me at home for her company. It was difficult for me to have friends, because I could never go and do anything and when I say anything, I mean anything. I never spent a night at anyone else's home. Her father had molested several of her sisters and possibly she herself, however she always said she didn't remember it happening to her. This added to her distrust of others and over protection of me as well. I wasn't allowed to date until I was seventeen. When I graduated high school, I promptly found a job, wanted to work and earn my own money and "get out of the house". I wasn't wild as a March Hare, but I did fall for the one of the first few guys I dated. In fact, almost year after beginning dating him, I became pregnant. He was the first, in every sense of the word. In the beginning, once we found out, we were going to get married. My Mother was crushed, but she didn't turn her back on me. She didn't kick me out of the house. She didn't make me feel ashamed. Others did, but not my Mother. His Mother was furious at ME. His mother told ME, that I would have to have an abortion. Well at this point in my life, I wasn't college educated, but I recieved a degree in Human Kindness, Human Cruelness and Thinking For Myself. I basically sent him on his way to live a life of control by his mother and I chose to be a mommy and accept responsibility for my actions. I grew up on the spot. Actually there wasn't a choice there. I loved my son from the moment I knew I was pregnant, even though I felt a sudden challenge come over me, it was like, that baby and I against the world. I knew I could raise him and love him and would do what I had to do to provide for him. I worked until I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I had medical insurance through my job. I was attended by one of area's finest obstetricians. I had him at one of our best hospitals and never took a dime from anyone for he or I. I was sick, morning, noon and night. Hard pregnancy, I was 97 pounds when I got pregnant and only gained 23 and he was 10lbs 3oz. Difficult pregnancy, difficult birth. I was very thankful I was already working and had all these opportunities for me and my baby though. Through all of this, some of my family was "shocked" at my pregnancy. I actually had the wife of our pastor approach my Mother and I and ask us "If I'm giving the baby up for adoption?". She promptly informed her, we don't kill babies and throw them away to someone else. My Mother told her my daughter is an adult, she's a Mother and she loves her baby and will provide a good home for him or her. Those who love her, will support her and those who don't aren't necessary in her life anyway. My Mother was in the delivery room with me. She stayed by me the whole way. It was a hard time for me as not only was I a young mother, but my heart was broke, for I truly was in love with the young man who fathered my child. At the time, I was crushed that I had to make the choice to sever him out of our lives, but I was disgusted by the way he didn't stand up for us. I felt that if he was weak then, he would always be weak for us and I didn't need to take care of two, one would be hard enough. His mother later sent me personal checks through the mail, which I returned to her with a thank you very much, but my son is well provided for. I wouldn't let her ease her conscious with money. My Mother was disabled due to heart problems and was at home. She kept my baby while I worked. I came home and was his mom in every sense of the word. I didn't date. I didn't hang out with friends. I entered the world of adulthood, work and responsibility. I did things that included my baby, family. As time went on, when son was three, I met a very special man, who changed my opinion of what real men are. My son fell in love with him, before I did. We met at church and he won my sons heart and mine. We were married and he adopted our son. To this day, most people don't know they're not biologically connected. They have a very special love and bond with each other. We've always worked hard and lived in a comfortable nice home.

All of this, to share with you that "The Difference" in my story was my Mother. She loved me unconditionally and regretted her strong thumb that she had kept on me for so long. As life turns out though, once I became a Mother, I realized that without all of the shadows she had lived through, I found myself that natural protective instinct of a Mother. I found at a young at that no one is perfect and that forgiveness is a good and vital thing to move on with life. It was also clear to me that children don't come with "How To" booklets and you do the best you can and make mistakes even with that.

I realize that so many young women don't have that loving mother, that support and are tossed into a world of "do the best you can on your own", not only with their life, but with a new, growing life inside of them. What you're doing, what you're exposing them to, You, Hope, you become "The Difference" for them. I'm so very proud of you and thankful in a very personal way to you.

My son knows the truth, we've always been truthful with him. I believe it's made him a stronger, more responsible young man. The Death of my Mother has left me so lonely sometimes and our son has been very concerned about me. He too, loved his grandmother and appreciated her. One the most special moments in my life came a few months ago when he sat me down, with tears in his eyes and thanked me for being that strong, young woman 26 years ago. He has a couple of friends who are first time parents and he and his girl friend have shared in their experiences. He said he can't imagine me at 18, becoming his mother and doing all that I had and finding such a wonderful, loving father for him. I reminded him that he found his father. He cried and told me how much he loves me and respects me now and always. He told me that we were and are good parents. B., if I died today, all would be perfect.

Carry your torch. Give light and hope. God Bless you my Friend.

Connie

footnote: This last year, two of Lance's biological uncles wanted to meet him, my husband and I were always open minded that some day Lance might desire to make contact and we accepted that. Neither of us every knew our father, so we were open to the fact that should it come up. Lance was amenable to meeting them, but only if we went as well. So we all had supper together at a local restaurant. They shared with me and Lance that they were so sorry for the way their Mother treated me (She is still alive) and that they had always had a desire to know Lance, but the father, their brother was not of the same mind set and it would have caused difficulties in their family. They had recently lost one of their brothers (four total in their family) to a brain tumor and it changed their minds about knowing him, against the father's wishes. I heard them tell me how much they admired me for being so strong and doing such a fine job with Lance, as well as complementing and recognizing my husband for the role he chose as Lance's father. This all seemed like a dream. Lance has no desire to meet, as he refers to him, "his sperm donor", but the uncle thing really touched his heart and mine.