Loss of a Mother

[stellaanne]

dreamspinner3,

I am glad for your post...

It will be 5 months on Oct 11, for me and I am 40...Mom died of pancreatic Cancer so yes...you came to the right place...

we are in this together and I totally can relate to everything you said...

I completely feel that the only person in the world who TRULY LOVED me is no longer on the planet...depression, isolation...all of it is mine without an end in sight...

AND yes, I need my mommy too just like you...although I know your overwhelming feeling of being the only one ripped on the inside (i really feel this way in my family circle),...believe me you are NOT alone in what you are going through...

[charsmom2]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted much here but I do read the entries almost daily. I never know what advice I can offer since I am having such a hard time right now. The last two posts really hit me though and I wanted to comment. Dreamspinner3 & Stellaanne - it has was 4 months on the 9th since my mom passed on suddenly. I miss so deeply and I feel so alone. It almost seems like the pain gets worse with the time that goes by. Now I am pregnant so I suppose I have those raging hormones to blame for some of it, but it so hard. My mom was only 48 and I just turned 30. I can't believe I am with out a mom (in the flesh that is). The thought of this baby not knowing his/her grandma breaks my heart in half. I have a little boy that just turned two and I am trying my best to keep the memories there, but I know he will only have those memories from what we keep telling him and he won't have any of "his own". I keep thinking that this greiving process would be so much easier (I know it isn't easy any way you look at it), but if we just had some answers as to why and what caused this rare disease my mom had. We had no warning. I feel that if she were to have cancer or something I could have accepted the fact that she is gone. But we have that. It is a mystery to the doctors as much as us. She was a breast cancer survivor and otherwise a very healthy woman. Looking back at picture taken only months before she passed you would have no idea what was going to happen. She was only in the hospital for a short 5 weeks. And until the last 3 days or so, we had no idea of the outcome. None!

Sorry for rambling. Guess once I start is hard to stop. I hope I am making sense.

One more thing. When I say I feel so alone, is that normal? I have so many close friends, a loving husband and wonderful family members that all care deeply for me. But I just feel like I can't show them or go to them for support. I don't want to burden anyone, and I feel no one really understand the hurt I feel. When my husband walks in on my crying, sure he will give me a pat on the back or a hug when I need it but he has no idea what to say. He hasn't lost a parent yet, he no idea how it feels. I don't want to show my dad my pain either, because I want to be there for him. He is having a very hard time and that breaks my heart as well when I hear or seem him cry. I just keep trying to be strong but inside I am breaking. Infact writing this I am tearing up. I just want to know if anyone else out there feels this way, and if you do, what do you do to help ease the pain?

[swede1]

Stellaanne,

The year my Mom was ill, and I thought she'd rallied, we volunteered at a local, free Christmas dinner put on here. It helped in that I got to talk to a couple of older people who were sypathetic to my worries and knew how it was when an aged parent was ill. Since we had no income, either, some elves stocked us up on leftover food from the dinner, plus some cash which we found laying in the bottom of the box when we got home! The next year, after Mom had died, my husband went back to help set up and I joined in later, for clean-up. It was hard to keep the tears back, but it WAS nice to help out, so that's not a bad idea. I'm glad to hear your friend is keeping her heart open to your plight, and even if things didn't work out with that this go-'round, that was very good of her to think of you as a priority. Even the invitation helps, I find, whether one attends or not...just to know you're remembered.

I DON'T think of ending up alone as a punishment of sorts, it's just a completely distressing thought! With all the medical unconcern and mistakes my Mom went through, despite my dad's presence, I'm sure I'm not alone in realizing how frightening it is nowadays to be old and have the Medical System get ahold of you! I'm now terrified about this! Plus, if I feel alone NOW, I can't imagine being possibly ALL alone ( w/o even my husband, who might predecease me for all I know ), even if at home, with not even friends to lean on for anything. My Mom had been friendly with her last homecare worker, but she moved far away and my Mom lost most contact with her. After that, she had nobody there but my dad. Being alone near the end of one's life can mean much suffering, as anything can happen and no one would know or be there to help.

As for you, I'm quite sure there's a THRONE with your name on it waiting for you on the Other Side! For me, I'm not sure WHAT'S in store...

It IS rather nice to be able to look back on your life and see the 'rewards' of certain decisions, especially those made from the heart, and I'm so glad you're at peace with this part of your life. It makes it all worthwhile to have given up other things when there's such an important pay-off in terms of emotional and soul satisfaction and validation down the road. Just as I've always been glad for my 'sacrifices' for my furbabies. However, with my Mom, there's less of that, unfortunately, because I didn't do all the things for her I wished I could have, even at the time. And most times, one doesn't see these later benefits for a long while. In my case, I don't know if there ARE any to come. All I've got is knowing my heart was in the right place, but I didn't/couldn't follow it up with enough ACTION, so I don't even know if that counts.

[swede1]

I miss her so much and feel so alone and unprotected now. I am a 38 year old woman and you wouldn't think someone my age would feel that they need their mommy, but I do.

I am fighting depression, health problems, marriage problems, money problems, and when Mom was alive, I felt that I had a refuge in the world, a person who loved me no matter what. Now that is gone and I feel very alone and unsafe; I hate this feeling.

Dreamspinner,

I kind of think most older women feel the same way when their mothers pass away. I know I felt like I was about 5 years old, for probably the first year after my Mom left this earth. How could we NOT? Our mothers were our first, and often best, caretakers, contact with the world, and if we bonded at all, it was for OUR lifetime. It still seems so surreal that I could still be in this world, yet my Mom isn't. There's still that feeling of "how can that BE?!?!" Yes, it's an awfully lonely feeling and at this point, I don't know if it will ever go away entirely...probably not. My Mother-in-law lost her mother many, many years ago, yet still told me you feel like a total orphan when you lose your mother...I could still hear the sorrow in her voice, and she and her mom didn't get along well, either. The world doesn't feel alltogether very safe for me, either now. My parent's had both modelled this idea in the first place all my life, so now that fear has come out full-force and I'm terrified of all the things I'd tried so hard to change my mind about through the years. Some of those fears I'd managed to allay some since I created better experiences in my own world, but others are still there, some are worse now...like what I just mentioned to Stellaanne, below. It's not going to be an easy task to try and undo these now, but I feel I HAVE to, somehow, some way, lest the rest of my life be lived in fear, which I don't want!

I faced all of the same things you're currently going through ( grief aside ) and while the money issue has been taken care of for now, the rest still stand, some a bit better, some the same. It's a difficult struggle, to be sure, to add those concerns on top of an already-consuming grief process, but I'm still here, still fighting to survive it all and hopefully come out ahead at some point. If it helps, I HAVE made some progress, in all areas ( although the depression is the hardest to combat...which makes all the others SEEM worse! ), and for me, it's now a year and 9 months for my Mom's passing and a year and 7 months for my brother's. It's all FAR from finished, process-wise, but I'm still hoping there's an opening in this deep hole if I can just keep digging with my teaspoon!

[swede1]

I don't want to show my dad my pain either, because I want to be there for him. He is having a very hard time and that breaks my heart as well when I hear or seem him cry. I just keep trying to be strong but inside I am breaking. Infact writing this I am tearing up. I just want to know if anyone else out there feels this way, and if you do, what do you do to help ease the pain?

Charsmom2,

From everything I've read in books and articles, it sounds like we all need to open up more, especially with our grief. I've heard of so many people who try to be strong in front of others who are also grieving, and yet everyone is feeling so alone. Perhaps what's needed more is just to grieve TOGETHER..show each other how much we cared for someone we lost, so the other person doesn't ALSO feel so alone in their feelings, like THEY'RE the only one feeling such pain. That alone helps grieving people, BOTH ways. We're then able to connect on a deeper level than perhaps ever before. Being vulnerable together makes for some strong glue. Words aren't what ultimately heals anybody....hearts/love does. While your dad's grief won't be the same as yours ( nobody's grief is exactly the same, even for the same kind of relationship ), your own sorrow would validate and honour for him the utter importance of your mom's life. You can still DO things for him, say things to him, even through tears.

[momsbabygirl]

charsmom,

Reading your post was like looking in the mirror to me. I too lost my mother on 6/9 of this year and am 30 yrs. old. My mother was 68 though and we never saw her death coming either, but can see the signs now that we didn't see before. She was always tired, always complaining of stomach aches and passing it off as something that she had eaten or the flu. We did tell her to go to the doctor, but she hadn't been since I was born. We now know that she had an abdominal aneurism which burst when she had a heart attack in the middle of the night on 6/9, her birthday. We are a bit comforted to know that she went quickly and with relatively little pain. We were able to donate her corneas which we later found out were used in a transplant operation in South Carolina. I too find it tougher to accept her death as the days go on. It took me 2 months before it really hit me that she was gone forever and not just on vacation or something. I too think of the day when I might be pregnant and can't imagine going through that without her by my side...

I hope you can find some comfort on this site....

[stellaanne]

I'm so glad for the input I'm seeing tonight...

It's a long lonely road....and I guess I can see from reading that it doesn't matter much if you have a nice family or dysfunctional one...the feeling is all yours.

My one sister-in-law said to me one night when I was upset because it feels as though I'm buried and everyone else is going on living their life and telling me to "snap out of it"...she replied "everyone's different, everyone feels bad but just doesn't show it the same way"....

It's disturbing because I live close to 20 + family members who watched the relationship between my Mother and I...yet, If I bring anything up about feeling lonely because No One shows they care the response is always that they feel bad too.....yet most of the these people saw her once a month or much less many times during the last 5 years.

The anger doesn't help...but on the days that the anger subsides, I'm left with the hole in my heart.

I spoke to a woman today who lost her husband and said "you learn to accept it but you never get over it"....I think that's accurate and that was more understanding than I've gotten from my entire family put together.

I want to see, touch, kiss, hug and talk to my Mom so badly...I will think about this over and over so that I can get the feeling of it happening.

I miss her every minute. So many things remind me of her..so many things in my life are a result of her and my relationship with her.

I have wanted for a while to adopt a child...and even talked about this to my Mom and before she passed on she encouraged me to do it....now I can't imagine doing anything and not having her to share it with or ask advice.

I often wonder what's the point of doing anything anymore...

[swede1]

Stellaanne,

You know, what you said made me realize something...I don't think we feel like "doing anything anymore" until the pain of being in THAT place gets as painful as the entire grieving process. So maybe we don't really start doing anything else (but grieving) until our heads and hearts start WANTING to do something in order to relieve the pressure from the grief. Maybe it's by these fits and starts that we begin to heal?

[unique7]

I just lost my very special mom a week ago to day. The hurt is so bad I just want to smash things. Not a day would pass that I wasn't talking to her on the phone, who do I call now? I just don't know what to do with these feeling. I feel so lost and empty inside.The hurt is umbearable.

[momsbabygirl]

unique,

I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I know how much it hurts and I feel the same way you do about "Who do I call?" I used to call my mother whenever something cool happened or if I had a bad day, and just because. It was one of the first things I said to my husband when I got the call that she had died...."Who do I call? I want to call my Mom!"

One night while visiting friends in the country, we saw the Northern Lights. I had never seen them before. All the way home, all I could think was, "I wish Mom was here so that I could call her and tell her all about it." I even said it to my husband in the truck...he just smiled and told me "She saw them...she knows you saw them too" but it didn't make it any easier...it's not the same as hearing her voice sounding so happy to hear me telling her about something like that. She didn't get out of her town much and I travel quite a bit and live hours away, so she sort of lived a lot of experiences through me. My husband and I visited the Grand Canyon and I called her from the rim, I was the St. Patrick's Day parade in New York City and called her so that she could hear the bagpipers as they marched by...she LOVED bagpipes! I went skydiving (something she did not want to know that I was doing!) and I called her as soon as I landed....things like that I always called her about.

It's amazing how something so little as a phone call can make you feel so hurt and lonely. When I call my dad, a piece of me is almost angry and doesn't want to keep dialing because I know that she's not going to answer the phone. I love my dad to death and know that he needs to hear my voice though...so I press on through the feelings and make the call. I get so sad when I hang up too becuase I miss my mom's conversations so much. It's one of the toughest parts of this whole experience.

[swede1]

Momsbabygirl and Unique,

Even though it's been a year and 10 months now since I lost my Mom, I haven't yet been able to bring myself to erase my parents' number from our phone. It's almost like the magical thinking one goes through in the early stages of grief, as if I'm holding onto the hope that I'll get an after-death-communcation from her if I, one day, phone that old number ( also my OWN old number, from when I lived at home ) and magically, my Mom's voice will be on the line, telling me something, anything, to let me know she's only a breath away from me. I have a lone recording of part of a conversation we'd had during her second recovery (first from a stroke, second from the overdose of med's they gave her as soon as she was on her way to a rehab. center ) in hospital, as I was recording all conversations with staff after her overdose, just in case. I've only listened to it once, on her first birthday since her passing, and might listen to it again in a week on her second birthday since. It tore me apart so MUCH to hear her talking to me, being so exhausted and frustrated, yet determined to get better and go home. She never did...and so it tears at my soul. In fact, my usual response, even today, is to experience this urge..."Oh, I can't WAIT to tell my Mom....about my MOM'S PASSING?" Who ELSE did I ever talk to about other relative's or friend's illnesses &/or deaths?! My Mom was the family keeper of stories and histories. Now all that's gone. I have no children of my own to pass these stories down to, and I wouldn't even remember half of them because I was too stupid to WRITE THEM DOWN at the time! ( we had a huge extended family, so it was hard to keep track all the time )I'd sent her a gift a few years ago - a book for her to answer really interesting questions about her own life, which was designed to be given BACK to the giver later on, filled with things you'd probably never think to ask of your own mother. I found it in a drawer when I went back home to get her clothes....not a thing had been filled in, no questions were ever answered. The emptiness I felt upon seeing this was the same as the one I felt from her absence, never to be filled on earth again.

[septemberspain]

I can truly relate to the who do I call question I talked to my mom 3-4 times a day after I moved to another state and I talked to her for hours always joking and keeping her spirits up. The big joke in my family is I tell everything to my mom I was her snitch I couldn't keep secrets from my mom she knew everything and then some if I ever knew something she did't & then I would put her on the job to get the juicy details. I still say to this day "Boy wait till I tell MOMMY what happened". And I do, I go to her room and talk to her still sharing the latest gossip lol.

[stellaanne]

Wow...I am just one of many in my thoughts and actions apparently,

I have not taken my Mom's cell phone number off my phone...and I won't anytime soon...

When my Mom was dying I said to her one day, "Who am I going to talk to when your gone???"..she said, "you can still talk to me, I'll be listening"...then she said, "it doesn't matter where I go, I'll always be with you"...and she was soooo completely matter of fact about it, I couldn't beleive it...not emotional just in complete knowledge that that's how it will be...without question.

I beleive it's the ONLY thing that gets me through some moments...I have to believe she's out there doing her thing yet never too far from me.

[stellaanne]

one more thing....I could NOT keep anything from my Mom either...

actually, on the memory quilt I'm getting made I am going to have quotes of things she always said to me and things we said to each other....

One of the quotes is "she'd say: don't tell me the gory details...but I'd tell her anyway...."

This phrase would take place anytime I went out with this long time friend/boyfriend I REALLY liked if you know what I mean....

There wasn't much Mom didn't know....poor thing.

[septemberspain]

OMG!!!! I use to tell my mom about my longtime boyfriend too! And it's so weird that after not talking to him for a few years he popped up the weekend my mom died, it feels sort of like she sent him, because she knew how deeply I Loved him and he knew my heart inside and out and she knew her passing would hurt me to my heart and she knew he would know how to handle me. Strange isn't it?

[charsmom2]

Momsbabygirl,

Wow, that is so strange knowing someone who's mom passed the same day as mine and especially that you happen to the same age. I am so sorry for your loss. Sounds even more sudden than my mom was. Each month just keeps getting harder and harder it seems. I know I/we all will get through it. It is so nice to come on to this board and reading other people's posts and being able to turn to these wonderful people that we have so much in common with that can understand how you feel. How is your dad coping? Just curious.

Swede1,

Thank you so much for your response. I know I need to show my dad my greif, but is just so hard. He knows that I have am having a hard time because I do tell him. I know he worries about me because of the fact that I am pregnant right now. One of these days I am sure I will be able to cry with him. I am thinking about going to talk to someone or joining a grief group possibly. I am also going to see if my dad maybe would like to join me, or make an appt of his own. You know I have always had a good relationship with my dad, but until this happened I never really realized just how sweet my dad is. I was in their bedroom the other day and saw a card that he had given my mom while she was in the hospital. It was about being by her side and how much he cares for her. Just a very sweet card. I knew he loved her, but it just made me realized just how much she really meant to him and how alone he is feeling.

[swede1]

Charsmom2,

I think that's a good idea, going for help. Some of the free groups here are particular to the relationship, that is, divided into parental loss, spousal loss, etc. I've heard the spousal groups most often beget lasting friendships and continued meetings and outings even after the group sessions have ended. Unfortunately, here, the parental groups aren't as tight-knit - I know MINE wasn't. That's why I turned to individual therapy; it was all that was left for me. I never found one to cover sibling loss, but am still looking.

You're fortunate you have a kind-hearted dad to grieve with/look out for. Mine is totally the opposite and was/is the cause of most of my heartache all through my life and especially after my Mom left. HE was the one who either burned or sold off our family pictures, likely even the last one I brought him of my Mom in the rehab. center from 2 months before her passing! When I was back, I couldn't even find any of the clothes or other items she'd had with her at the time, so God knows what he did with everything. I lost not only my Mom, but most of her personal possessions in the aftermath. A family friend sent me a few pictures he'd taken at their house when my dad enlisted him to help sell things off ( he had no idea what was really going on until I found out about it and called him later...but it was too late to stop anything )...and there was a large portrait photo of my Mom sitting on the buffet, along with all the items for sale...her picture meant NOTHING to him! Who in the world would think to SELL pictures of their dead wife?!?! Thankfully, I do have the smaller version of that photo, but still....Had I not grabbed her wedding photo and another portrait photo of her when she was about 18, I'd have nothing. Her wedding photo now hangs above the cabinet I bought and finished to hold her china set, the only thing I managed to retrieve from the sale.

Even if you're having trouble yet in sharing your pain with your dad, it's good that you're both concerned about each other. That's half the battle solved right there. My grief has also definitely affected my marriage, in both good ways and bad, but everytime I find out about some other way MY reactions are affecting my husband, it gives us more cohesion, and gives me something to work with in our relationship, which has now been forever altered. This whole grief thing shakes everything apart, for everyone concerned, but I keep hoping that maybe that will turn out to be one of those so-called 'good' things that comes out of tragedy. Although I grit my teeth everytime I hear someone mention that platitude about things happening for everyone's Highest Good, in the back of my mind, I honestly hope it's really the truth, even if we can't see it at the time. At least this would lend some MEANING to loss and heartbreak.

[dare2care2005]

Hi everyone. My name is Ginny. I'm 16 years old and I joined this group because I lost my mom in may due to heart disease. I loved her with all my heart and would do anything to get her back.

She suffered from many other conditions besides heart disease. One of them, and probably the most apparent condition was rheumatoid arthritis. It caused her to be in terrible pain all the time. There were days where she was in so much pain she couldn't even move. My dad and I would need to help her get around alot. She would also be up alot at night crying in pain. It hurt my dad and me to see her that way.

Another condition she had was diabetes, which wasn't found out until she had a stroke back in february. Dad and I were expecting something like this to eventually happen, because her blood pressure was always so high. Anyhow, she stayed in the hospital for about a week after this happened, then we were allowed to take her home. However, my dad and I were warned that mom may not live much longer, because her organs were slowly shutting down. So we spent as much time with her as we could A nurse and physical therapists were hired to come by and take care of mom everyday. After a few months, things were looking up. She was able to start taking small steps (with help of course). Her speech was getting better as was her memory and her reflexes were improving.

However, in early may, things would take a turn for the worse. In the middle of the night, my dad woke up to my mom screaming out in pain. He turned over and asked her if she was ok. Mom's speech still wasn't good, but it was to the point we could understand her. She told my dad her chest was hurting really bad. He must\'ve knew right away she was having a heart attack because her breathing wasn\'t too good. He called 911 then woke me up and told me what was going on. A few minutes later the paramedics came. Gave mom oxygen, an IV..the whole shebang. My dad and I went to the hospital shortly after the paramedics left with mom.

Dad and I waited in the waiting room for quite a while then a doctor came out to talk to us. He told us she did hae a heart attack and fluid was detected in her chest. So she was gonna be tested for congestive heart failure.

A few days later the test results came back and she did have CHF. So her doctors decided to put a pacemaker in her, which was done a couple days later, and she was started on some new meds to help treat the CHF.

On the day of her pacemaker surgery, my dad and I were up there with her. The surgery didn't last too long, only about an hour or two. One of the surgeons came out and said she did just fine and we could go back and see her. She seemed to be doing alright when we visited her, and continued to do good for a couple days.

When dad and I went to see her after those couple days, she started not to feel good. She was extremely tired and weak and was having a hard time keeping alot of food in her. A doctor came in and did an ultrasound of her chest. He told us there was very small tear in her aorta, and he would have surgery done on her the next day. Dad and I were a little nervous, but we toughed it out, for mom's sake.

The next day, my dad and I got up early to go see mom. Jut as we were heading out the door, we get a phone call. It was the hospital. They told us mom's aorta had burst and we need to get down there ASAP, and they were gonna take her to surgery to try and save her.

So my dad and I got to the hospital as quick as we could. When we got there we waited for a bit until a surgeon came back and talked to us. Finally, one did and he told us they weren't able to save her. My dad and I just cried and cried.

I know she had suffered alot before she passed, but I would do ANYTHING to get her back. Just to feel her touch, hear her soothing words, and see her face, just once more...would mean so much.

[stellaanne]

septemberspain,

I hope your "friend" coming back into the picture at the time of your mom's passing helped ease your pain a little at least..the same can't be said for me.

Actually speaking of that, since my mom passed, I have had absolutely, positively no feeling to contact him (the friend/B'friend I spoke of)...

He has actually emailed me 3 times since she passed and I haven't responded.

I really think my Mom is telling me to let it go...she never would tell me to stop talking to him when she was here because she knew I had feelings for him but she would say something once in a while that let me know she thought I was really wasting my time....and I really was. I believe she broke me out of the pattern with him AFTER she passed.

Dare2care,

You should feel very proud of yourself for all the things you did and tried to do for your Mom. You must be a very mature 16 years old to have gone through everything you have gone through.

As hard as this will be for you to cope with, you should at least feel good inside that your Mom is looking down and smiling at such a beautiful young woman that she gave birth to...one day at a time is what you need to tell yourself right now.

[elledeco]

I am 29 years old and lost my mother on September 17th 2005. It was rather sudden. She was a former smoker and they had been watching one of her lungs for sometime for a condition copd. It had been a year since they had been scanning her and there had been no change to this condition. About a week before the 17th she started to have a hard time breathing. She blamed it on allergy season since she had always had reactions to pollen. She went into the hospital on the 10th with shortness of breath, about 24 hours later they informed us that she had a massive tumor in her other lung that would most likely end her life. Talk about throwing you for a loop.

My dad and I sat there and watched the ventilator breath for her for almost a week until we spoke with the doctors and asked that she be taken off the machines. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make but I know in my heart it was the right one.

One of the most beautiful yet heart breaking things I have ever done was sit there and watch her take her last few breaths as I held her hand,

stroked her hair and sang to her.

How do you get over it? She was my best friend and I was her little girl. I love my father but he doesn't understand the bond that we shared. I sit here and cry like I have never cried before. It is this gutteral howl that just comes out of my mouth. There are moments where I am fine (thank god for work) but at night when I am quiet and alone with my thoughts I just fall apart.

Does it ever get any easier? I just feel like my heart has been torn in two.

Please if anyone has any thoughts to share, please share them. I feel we are all members of a club that no one ever wants to belong to.

[englishruss]

wow....soooo many new names...i dont know any of you anymore :-)

just a little message to say hi to all you guys and to all the guys who remember me....hope your all doing ok :-)

keelynn:thx for being a good buddy...

Cliff: hope your getting there dude :-)

stay in touch....russ.xx

[swede1]

Elledeco,

My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your mother. If I may speak in general for many of us ( I know I shouldn't, but I have to break the rules once in awhile! ), most of us daughters know of what you speak. It's not even something that can be properly put into words when we lose our mothers. There's just SOMETHING about that mother-daughter bond, even if it's not an absolutely healthy bond in all cases. It's just so strong, so meaningful, so wrapped up in our identities. So when we lose our moms, we can feel like we're instant orphans, even if our other parent is still alive. In maybe a greater degree than with some other losses ( although they're all so similar in many ways, too ), we can feel like we've really lost ourselves as well. This is also a main feeling in child loss, especially for the mothers - so it's like a mirror of our loss.

It's only been not even a month for you yet, so no surprise you feel so raw, almost primordial in your grief. We've all been there or are still there, so you've got lots of company here. For me, it's just around the corner from 2 years already, yet doesn't feel that long and I still can have times, albeit shorter ones now, of feeling like the floor has dropped out from under me. It's still too alien a concept in my mind - MY MOM, not HERE?! It just can't BE! Just think of it ( as I'm sure you have! )...someone who's been in your life, one way or another, for YOUR ENTIRE life so far...and then they're just NOT. Is it any wonder we can feel like we're losing our minds? It's an experience many of us have never HAD before ( unless you've lost both parents ), so of COURSE it's too hard to fully describe! There isn't much, overall, that one can do except to go through it, seek as much outside help as possible, read as much about grief ( especially the particular grief of daughters losing mothers ) as you can so you can understand your feelings are a natural part of loss, and use these boards as much as you want or need to. Try to find a local grief group ( I've heard hospices often provide this for free, and know that some hospitals do as well ), seek out a counselor if and when needed, don't talk to those who belittle or minimize your loss but DO talk to those who don't, share, cry, scream. etc. Whatever comes out NEEDS to come out, so if you're not in public, let it whenever you can. And many of us find even IF we're in public, it can come out anyway, so try to have a stash of Kleenex at all times and a place to hide if you're embarrassed ( though we shouldn't have to be, but that's our society for you! ). I hope to hear back from you again here, as it's a long haul and you needn't suffer alone. God bless.

[clittlelady]

To ELLEDECO:

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart truly breaks with yours. I lost my Mother August 30, 2005. Like you, I also was my Mother's baby girl, only girl. Four older brothers, no sisters. I was with my Mother when she drew her last breath. I too would sing to her, stroke her forehead, kiss her face and make sure, to the end, she was as comfortable as she could be. One of my brothers and I took her back to her home, after she awoke from a two day coma. She had had a stroke and her time to leave this earth was near. She wanted to go home and with her Doctor's blessing, that's what she did. It was such a bittersweet experience. Five days after taking her home, she became unconscious for eighteen hours and then left me.... I'll never be the same. The numbness and lack of focus are a daily event for me. I understand your grief. I'm still in the middle of it. Can't say that I have all the answers, but it does help me to come here and share with others who have been there one way or another. I gain a lot of encouragement and support just from this place. People say well meaning things when you lose someone, but unless someone has been there and actually feel this sting and overwhelming flood of emotions, they can't know. I believe I'll always grieve, but not the way I am now. Right now, it's one day at a time. Right now, it's an unpredictable wave of memories, missing her, anger, and disbelief. Each day is different. I don't feel like me anymore. I never had a relationship with my father. She was it. She was both Mother and Father to me. I do believe there is a reason for everything, even though I don't understand it all. I do hold on to my faith, that's the main thing that gets me through. Just know you're not alone. Take what helps you here and leave the rest. You and your father are in my prayers. Take Care.

[stellaanne]

clittlelady,

Unsure if I have told you...me: youngest with four older brothers no sisters...no relationship with my father ever...and YES!!!!! My MOM was IT....

Love that line...thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

[elledeco]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and thoughts. It does mean a lot to know there are other people out there who are going through the same thing. It's the nights that are the hardest for me. Looking at the phone that no longer rings. No longer getting the little notes and cards in the mail.

I have a story to share about something that happened the day my mother passed that I would like to share with everyone.

The week my mother was in the hospital my dad, my husband and I would sit outside on my parents deck and talk about the days events. The night that my mother died we did the same thing. As we were sitting there this little orange cat came trotting down the driveway meowing her little head off. I immediately got up and went to the sidewalk to see if the cat would come to me (my mother and I were both cat lovers). This cat practically jumped into my arms. She stayed with us the entire night sitting on the deck and letting everyone pet her. We expected that she would leave after we all went into the house for the evening. BUT she did not leave. She slept on the chair my mom always sat in and when we awoke in the morning was sitting outside the door as if she were guarding the house. Everyone who came to the house over the next few days could not get over how friendly this cat was. I kept saying it was sent by my mom to make sure we were all ok.

I told my father if the cat was still there when it was time for my husband and I to go back home I was going to take her because I felt that it was meant to be. Sure enough that Friday she was in front of the door almost waiting to make the 7 hour journey. I still however did not have a name for her. I told everyone that since it was my mom who sent her she would be the one to name her as well.

My mom always used to send me newspaper clippings and notes to say hi and she actually sent one the day before she got sick. This note was waiting for me when I returned home. She would write the normal hope you are well things and she always would write a hello to the cat I already had at home (Her name is Willa. The funny thing was, this note had "Say hi to kitty Wilma" clear as day. I was too upset to even really see what my husband pointed out as he said, "the difference between Willa and Wilma is Ma" and that is what I used to call her. To me it is just too much of a coincidence to be one.

So now I have my 2 cats Willa and Wilma and I am 100% convinced she was sent from my mom to let me know she made it and to help me through this time. I could be wrong but deep in my heart I know I am not.

Has anyone here had anything like that happen to them?

[charsmom2]

Elledeco,

Hi. I am so sorry for you loss. I just turned 30 a couple weeks ago and lost my mother 4 months ago for a rare lung disease. Like you, it was very fast and she was on the ventilator at the end. We were also faced with making that decision of when to take her off. Lucky for us, she was able to make that terrible decision for us as the ventilor no longer was able to keep the oxygen levels up even though she was receiving 100% oxygen. She started getting a high fever, carbon dioxide levels went up and her her bp was rising as well. We were very thankful she was able to give us that sign that it was the right thing to do. I was also very close to my mom and it has very hard. I can't say is gets easier because it simply hasn't been long enough yet. I am thankful for this board. I has helped me feel not so alone.

The story about the cat is wonderful! I am certain your mom sent it. I pray for something like that to happen with me so I really had something to hold on too. I have heard of this happening too. First when my uncle had passed on a stray cat showed up at another aunt & uncle of mine, then when my grandpa passed on another cat showed up at the same aunt & uncle's house. It only stuck around for a short while, almost as if it was making sure everyone was okay. Truly a blessing in my eyes. Be very thankful for this gift you received.

[swede1]

Happy Birthday, Mom, from your loving daughter. May God bless you and keep you and may you now have the happiness and contentment you always wanted, and truly deserved. XOXOXOXO

[elledeco]

Charsmom2,

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I will be 30 in May (my birthday always falls close to Mother's Day but thankfully because of leap year it won't fall exactly on Mother's Day any time soon) I am not looking forward to my birthday but am hoping the pain is a little less by then.

Today is a month that my mom died. I wore her wedding ring today on my right hand. I am going to try and keep myself as occupied as I can, watch some funny tv shows and try to just get through the evening.

I think this message board is a wonderful release. I can sit here and bawl my eyes out as I write but it also makes me feel better that I can tell my story and people reading this can relate and understand my feelings. My husband and friends have all been wonderful but they don't comletely understand the feelings that I have in my head and in my heart.

The next 2 months will be difficult but I think we can all help eachother out and provide support and suggestions on how to make it through the holidays.

Do you or anyone else in this forum have any suggestions of books that deal directly with daughters losing mothers? I have yet to make it into a Barnes and Noble to check out the selection.

Good luck and take care.

Lisa

[valzie2001]

Hi,

I lost my mom on October 5th. My mom lived with me for the past 12 years in my home with my husband and children. Before that I lived at home with her with my family. My Dad died in 1988 and it has always been mom and I. My mom was dignosed with congestive heart failure 10 years ago. She had surgery and valve and bypass surgeries to repair her heart, she was given 1 year at the time to live, she made it beyond odds 10 years. I was her caregiver, her friend and at times we grew apart from living together....... In june she started to decline, her medications weren't working and she was in and out of the hospital, my mom also suffered from alzhiemers and her heart condition only made it worse, on July 26th I had to make the painful decision for mom to go into a nursing home, I placed her in a home that my girlfriend was administrator director so I knew she would get quality care. On september 4th she fell and went to the ER, she stayed there until the 9th, her meds were out of whack and they couldn't get a handle on things, her cardiologist told me that there wasn't anything else they could do and that I should call hospice in. ........... :( That was on the 9th of September, she was given 1 to 2 months, she didn't make it with us quite a month, I spent most of my days with her, coming home to feed my family and pick them up from school, then headed back up at night with my kids. Her last week I spent the nights at her bedside overnight, on Wednesday the 5th I went home to sleep for a few hours, I pulled back into the parking lot 2 hours later and hospice called to tell me her breathing had changed, and it could be hours or minutes, I made it to her room just in time to say I loved her and kiss her goodbye before she left us..........I miss her terribly, and I am having a hard time dealing with her loss, I can't go into her apartment, I can't seem to face anyone but my family right now, so I am hiding out at home, but not doing anything......I know she suffered, and was tired........but I am angry for her leaving, I am angry that I took care of her for years, and I had to be the one to make end of life decisions for her........all I wanted to do was make her stay with us.......I tried going to church with my family on Sunday and I couldn't make it through the mass.......I don't remember it being this hard when Dad died.....I miss her, and would do anything to have those last days back...........is this normal........I don't know what normal is right now...........

[gullysgirl]

hi everyone,

i am so glad i found this board.you can read my story under gullysgirl missing her mom very much.my mother died on august 16th 2005,2 months and 1 day ago .my heart is so broken, and part of me has died ,i loved her so much,she was my best friend,she died of breast cancer at age 56. i want to pick up my phone and call her ,i want to scream at the top of my lungs mom i need you.i dont know how one deals with this type of pain ,one day at a time ,my brother said .we are a very close family and i was blesse to have her as my mother ,the greatest gift i ever got ,i would forever love and miss you mom.god bless sandy

[lostwithouthismom]

hello everyone

It's been awhile since i've been here.I just wanted to drop by and hi to all my *old buddies* and see how everyone's doing these days.Myself,I'm guess i'mk doing OK these days.I don't really think about what happened to my mom and the whole situation from the beginning of her illness to her passing.As some of you many know,when I first came here,I had stated that i've never talked to anybody face-to-face about everything that happened.If any of have been here awhile and are familiar with my earlier posts then you probably have an idea what i'm talking about.My shame and TREMENDOUS GUILT that has haunted me every day of my life,since that day(arpil 25/02,liver cancer) has not gone away.

I was 16 1/2-17 during my mothers illness and any I just turned 21 very recently.Watching my mother live day to day with that cancer was the most painful and traumtic experience imiginable.For me it was.To this day i have never talked face to face with a single soul about everything and my mother,etc...I know this was a very bad error on my part for not asking for help and telling my family after it happened that i needed help,that i needed to talk to someone about everything that had happened.I remember the first year and some after she passed and the haunting dreams of my mother weekly and how she was almost always very sick in those dreams still.I knew my mother was "home" now and i was at peace with that ,but the nightmares wouldnt go away.The pain and every experience that i witnessed with her living with her illness and everything it did to her body and eventually her mind in the very later stages of her illness.There is nothing more traumatic then being a 17 year old kid and watching your mother suffer from this beast of an illness liver cancer.I truely hate it more then any word can describe.In my mind no matter what i do and even through the time passing and my getting older has not really eased the pain i feel when i think of everthing that happened.I remember when she was first diagnosed i honestly had no real idea of what liver cancer meant.It was in the advanced stage already when she was diagnosed and even with chemo there was really nothing that would stop the invetibable.Except GOD that is.I prayed with my mother every day and i believed with all my heart and soul that GOD would heal my mother somehow.I knew he could and in my 17 year old still partly innocent eyes believed GOD would heal her.She cant die.no no no no no.

everytime i think of my mother now i always remember the most painful memories and her most difficult and darkest days during her illness.I try to remember the MANY good soul warming memories that we had together but in my mind it always comes back to her in pain.Shes lying there with her bandana covering her head,her poor body fragile after the dramatic weight loss(not being able to eat,LITERALLY)and many many painful memories more.the first couple years slowly passed since she GOD took her ,but WHY GOD,did she have to suffer that enormously painful journey.My mother was a good hard working peaceful women who didn't deserve what happened to her.NOBODY deserves that.Time has slowly passed and it's now 3 1/2 years since she passed away.

I have buried away all my feelings and everything about *the ordeal*.In my mind i couldnt stand the pain anymore and i never talked to anyone about the ordeal and eventually I just stopped thinking about it.I think in my mind,I couldnt live with my ENORMOUS GUILT(for those of u who remember me) and the ordeal was too painful and traumatic that it hurts my deeply when i think of my mother now.when i pray at night i tell my mom I love her and say goodnight and thats the most in my regular day that i think of her.when my family mentions her name i dont say anything ,but the moment they do,in my mind i feel instant sorrow and it feels like bam (they mentioned her name,the pain,the ordeal,its all coming back) and i just try not to think of it.

GOD knows how sorry i am for what i did and didnt do during her ordeal.I have prayed to GOD and begged for his forgiveness and to my mother for her's.In a dream she came to me and i told her I was sorry and she said it was ok and she loved me.i know she has forgiven me yet i cannot forgive myself.

the whole experience in my eyes will stay with me until the day my time is up as well on this earth.this whole year i havent tried not to think about her and about the past.this hurts me deeply when i think about what im doing because I loved her so deeply and she was everything to me and i know that the last thing i want to do is bury my memories and try to forget the past.i dont want to but to think of it is too traumatizing and painful.

this is really embarresing but i think its crucial to tell someone what i think and have thought was it bothering me for a long time.This past summer i was with my sister and we were out with a few friends.that night i drank too much and i blacked out.when i woke up i remembered a few details about the night before and i was wishing it was all a dream.it wasnt thpugh.that night for some reason unknown to me something must have triggered my memories about my mother because i started talking about her and really freaking out.that was the most embarresing thing ever.from those of you who are familiar with my older posts and jhave known me for a long time are familiar with my deep remorceful shame and guilt issued that i felt.I really think and have thought for the long time that i might or do have POST-TRAUMATIC-STRESS-DISORDER.i was to scared and isolated to ask for help or tell my family that i needed to talk about my mother and everthing after she passed and that it was all too much for me at that age or any age for that matter what i witnessed and the helplessness i felt for not being able to help my mother get healthy again.in my eyes GOD wouldnt take her and she was gonna beat it.then when her illness spread rapidly and her condition drastically worsened then and only then did i begin to realise that she wasnt gonna beat this.that night she passed i had went into my room and prayed to GOD.instead of asking him to give us a miracle and heal my mom and i stood there crying my heart out and begging him to take her then and don't let her suffer like this anymore.she had lost concsiousness and was strugging for every ounce of breath.the memory of her last nights and these images of her lying on her bed suffering like this are too traumatizing that i try not to think of them.

months after she passed i started getting these weird uncomfortable feelings in my muscles and body.some days my muscles and body would just ache and be super sensitive to me touching them.i thought i had diabetes or something.i knew something was seriously wrong in my body so i went to the doctor and he tested me for all sorts of thing.everything came back negetive.then he asked me if i was under alot of stress and i lied and told him no.i didnt want him to give me pills or make me see a psychologist.looking back now i realize i should have gotten help and talked about the ordeal along time ago instead now i have slowly just stopped thinking about my past(defence mechanisims in my mind i guess).then i started looking at some web sites about P.T.S.D. and I know thats what i had or have yet i have never told anyone.the last 3 1/2 years my psychical appearnce has changed and i have gained alot of weight.then again i am going through boyhood to manhood but i dont think everything is natural.the hardest to admit to yourself or to another person is that you need help.actually seeking is another thing.I have since came to the conclusion that my muscle tension was a sympton of P.T.S.D. .I have looked at some websites about it and i could relate to most but not all of the symptoms and i kind of think i have it or maybe had it because now i dont really think of anything and im doing alot better these days.

i dont really think of my past or i try not too.

tonight though i just felt like coming here and saying hi and letting the older people that i'm still breathing as it has being a long time since i came here.

that's all i can share right now and this being draining to talk about.

anyhow your opinions and thoughts would be truely appreciated as i need someone elses point of view about me and thoughts.i have never talked to anyone or told a soul in person what i have shared with you guys here.

take care

cya soon

goodnight now:Cliff

[swede1]

Dear Lostwithouthismom,

While I don't know your whole history, what you said paints a good enough picture for what I have to say. This buried guilt is slowly killing you, which is what unresolved guilt does. Your body manifesting those symptoms is the way your mind tries to get your attention that something needs resolving. Illness in the body is the LAST thing to manifest when there are emotional problems. So it's your inner voice, your Highest Self, coming through now on this board, hoping you will finally listen to what you know inside to be true. You NEED to get more help, before things get even worse for you! Has no one ever told you, or have you never read, that seeking help for emotional problems is no different than seeking help for physical problems? There's NO shame in it whatsoever, and in fact, is a sign of emotional wisdom, NOT weakness. Just because Western medicine has not only disregarded, but actively sought to separate illness in someone from the mind and heart from whence it originated, doesn't mean they were CORRECT in doing so! Eastern medicine has ALWAYS recognized that the two are the same - what the mind thinks, the body follows. Let me repeat that in a different way. The mind thinks something, and the body does its bidding. The body is not the one in charge, nor the cause of physical illness. It's the other way around.

I suffer some guilt and a lot of regrets myself about my Mom, and so I've developed some physical problems now. I KNEW this was coming, though, so I'm not a bit surprised. However, I also know I have to get my mind's thinking straight if I'm to beat what's now wrong with me. And so I've gone to a grief group, individual counseling ( twice so far ) and use this and other boards to vent and GET IT OUT. This is why we were given mouths with which to speak. If we don't express our inner life, we don't have a hope in hell of healing. Period!

What you've done here is a good first step, but if your guilt is that strong, you likely need more. Just about every grief site tells us that we CAN'T DO THIS ALONE...it's too difficult...and we NEEDN'T be alone with these things. And if more grief-stricken people were more vocal about their suffering, we wouldn't SEE as much mental illness as we do because it wouldn't be ignored and swept under the rug as much as it still is. The fact that there are these sites and boards out there now speaks to this healthier progress in recognition of grief and its effects, and to the million of people affected by it every day. Heck, there are now advocacy groups screaming at insurance companies in the States, saying if you are diabetic, does you insurance company restrict coverage on your physical care? NO. So why does it restrict coverage on mental health? Many are now re-recognizing that physical and mental health are one and the same and don't operate separately. So my advise is to avail yourself of the help that's now more prevalent.

Funny thing about guilt. In many ways, it's a death wish. We think we made someone suffer in some way, so now we want to pay the ultimate price ourselves. We want to make ourselves so sick that WE die, too....as if that's going to solve something, or change the past. It doesn't. It really only makes us continue to suffer, and those who are with us on this journey suffer more in the long run because of our guilt. And that, of course, just brings up even MORE guilt in us. So we have to find ways to alleviate that guilt. Much of it is usually false guilt, but whatever parts might be true guilt for things we really did ( and didn't just THINK or ASSUME we did wrong ), are only proper responses to help us to improve ourselves and our soul's journey. They are not there as punishment. They are there to help us become more self-aware...and THAT is the key to absolutely everything in life. You don't have to subject yourself to this any longer and you SHOULDN'T try to go through such pain by yourself. If you're still doubting this, just ask yourself one thing...if you love someone else, would you LIKE to see them doing this to themselves? Or would you want them to get as much help as they could, so they could be happier in their life? I think you know the answer. May you be guided in the right direction for your Highest Good now, by listening to your Inner Voice.

[momsbabygirl]

Charsmom2,

My Dad is coping better and better I think, but I live 5 hours from home, so it's tough to tell. He showed quite a bit of emotion in the days surrounding my mother's funeral, but that's been it. He's always been a very stoic (sp?)man. He's made a lot of changes to the apartment that they lived in. Changes that Mom wouldn't let him make because she thought that the landlady should be paying for them He keep real busy from dinnertime to bedtime, mostly outside of the house, at dinner with family or friends. He does talk about Mom though which is encouraging...they were married for 48 years though, so it's definitely going to be a tough road for him.

Septemberspain,

I have my own 'old' boyfriend story. After my Mom passed, I found that the brother and father of my very first serious boyfriend had passed within 6 weeks of each other...one 3 weeks prior to my mother and the other 3 weeks after. I have not seen or talked to this ex in 12 years (he lived in another part of the state) but something made me send him a letter of condolence and tell him about my Mom's passing. He's in the military and all I knew from the obit was what state he was stationed in. I took a chance and sent the letter to a base in that state and believe it or not, it was the right one and he received the letter. We've written a few e-mails since.

My Mom was with my through every step of that relationship (the laughter and tears) and when we broke up, I was ready to cut up all of the pictures of him and I, but Mom told me that I should keep them because even though he broke my heart, our relationship was part of who I am and looking at those pictures would remind of the good times, the bad times and the lessons learned through that relationship. Of course, I listened to her

I'm now happily married to the most amazing man ever, but I somehow think that my mother had a hand in me contacting this ex-boyfriend. She knew that I really dispised him all these years for the way things ended and I think this was her way of saying that I need to forgive people in my life who've done me wrong and move on and maybe even to remember the good times in life...no matter who they were with.

[elledeco]

I am so glad to have found this site and message board. It is comforting to know that we all share the same thoughts and feelings about the passing of our moms. Until you have experienced such a loss it is hard to put into words the emptiness you feel.

For me it has been a month, for others it has been less and some more but it is all the same. It's the adjustment to not hearing the phone ring or the little things that only they knew about you. I miss the way my mom would say my name and the way she would laugh. Things I know I may never hear again. I am afraid I will forget her voice and forget those little quirks that made her my mom.

Through the tears and the pain I can smile when I speak of her and remember the things and moments that made her happy. I use the strength she taught me to fight through those moments when I just want to crawl into a ball and never get up. I remember the words she would say to me when I would be so supset about something that now seems so trivial, "This too shall pass."

I know if she had her choice, she would have not left so soon but I know she is somewhere watching over me and smiling.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Elledeco, I'm sorry you have lost your dear Mom. When we lose family, there are some not as painful, others, bitter to our souls. Losing Mom, spouse, or child is the most painful. I'm sorry this painful loss is yours to bear. I lost my daughter at 21 years old to a rapist. May you be given peace and strength for the moment. Give yourself time and a little of the special things that make you feel good about yourself. This will help you deal with the grieving process. My grandfather died over twnety years ago, and to offer you a little comfort, I can still hear his voice, and some of the things he said to me, those litle words of wisdom. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[lemonhead]

I am really feeling sad these last couple of days. I miss my mom so much and I find myself not even being able to say the D word when I speak about her to others. I just want her back, even if just for a little bit. I know she is "with me" but like others have said...the phone calls, the laughter, the conversations, the I love yous. It has only been a couple of months, but I just don't think I will ever feel right again. I really need to hear something that makes this all acceptable.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lemonhead, it is a part of the process of grieving to go through this step. It's Denial. Your heart is hurting so much that your protecting yourself from the pain. For a while, don't say the D word. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable doing. Do something special for you, to make you feel good. Take gentle care of yourself. This will get better. I'm sure of this.

[momsbabygirl]

I was going through our caller ID log last night deleting a bunch of numbers and came across a number that I didn't recognize...so I deleted it and went to the next number. As soon as I saw the date of the next number, I got this horrible, hot feeling inside, felt very heavy and felt like I just sinking into the couch....the number I deleted was my sister's cellphone (which she never uses to call us) and it was the date and time that she called to tell me that my mother had died. For a few seconds, I couldn't breathe. I had been making it a point not to delete that entry and I just couldn't believe that I deleted it! After a few seconds I realized that there was nothing I could do about it except to just take a deep breath and let it go. I hope it's another step in the healing process. I do still have the entry from the last time my mother called me though...it was my anniversary.

[elledeco]

My mother's voice is still on my parent's answering machine or at least I thought it was, that is until I talked to my dad a few days ago. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach each time I would call home in the last month since she died. I was not sure how I would handle hearing my mom's voice if I had called when my father wasn't home. I would breath a silent sigh of relief when I would hear his voice answer. I just didn't feel I was ready to hear her but yet I was comforted knowing that if I wanted to hear it I could call. The last time I talked with my dad he told me that for some reason the answering machine had gone back to using the computerized voice instead of my mom. My heart just sank. Now her voice was forever gone on the machine and I never got the nerve up to call and hear it one last time.

The last few days or nights I should say have been very rough. My husband has been out of town and I was doing pretty good. For some reason last night though, the wave really hit me and I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. The crying that I do for my mom is unlike any cry I have ever had before. It is almost animal-like in the vocalization. It is just overwhelming. I am glad my husband will be home on Friday and I am so very thankful for my friends that let me call them anytime.

I am also very thankful for all of you. Your stories and your experiences make me feel that I am not alone in my grief. I wish all of you peace and strength. We know our moms would want that for us as well.

[momsbabygirl]

elledeco,

My mother's voice was on the outgoing message too...the night before the wake, we were at the house and my sister-in-law was trying to change the outgoing message, but kept hitting the wrong button, so my Mom's message kept playing. She tried to cover the speaker on the machine, but it was soooo nice to hear Mom's voice and it actually made me smile to hear it. I hate that stupid computerized message now. I can't wait to visit again so that I can change the message back to a human voice!

I've been crying for the past few nights too, right when I'm trying to fall asleep, but silently crying, just tears falling. This board is great, just to get these thoughts and feelings out...

[swede1]

I find myself not even being able to say the D word when I speak about her to others. It has only been a couple of months, but I just don't think I will ever feel right again. I really need to hear something that makes this all acceptable.

Oh, Dear Lemonhead,

What could ever make losing someone we love "acceptable"? Even if we could see far down the road that something wonderful came out of a loss, for us personally, wouldn't we still ask, "But couldn't there have been a BETTER way for this to unfold?" I don't think, either, that we feel "right" again, if you mean 'the same as before' our loss. How could we? Our losses change us, as must happen when our world changes. So we don't feel the same, or right, but different/changed, possibly better in some as-yet-unforeseen ways, possibly worse in others. But most of us who are actively seeking to heal try as much as possible inside to look for the more positive changes that come out of all this difficult work.

As for the "D" word, I had the same thing, but didn't really see it as a problem in that if we believe their spirit lives on, then they aren't really gone, are they? It's also all part of that process of allowing only a tiny bit of physical reality in at a time. I used to talk about my furboy in the present tense because it hurt too much to think of him as 'that D word', and did so for many months. Then I progressed to using the word "passed", or something similar. I still rather prefer words such as these, because it helps remind me that they're NOT totally gone, only from the physical world, and even so, that's not completely accurate, because they can still manifest, through ADC's IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD. If you ask me, I think we should strike that "D" word right out of the human vocabulary, because it keeps us stuck in depressing, hopeless ideas! So use whatever word(s) you're more comfortable with. Even when you get to the point where you CAN use that word, for expedience' sake, if you know inside that you don't really think of it that way, it will feel okay to you.

[lemonhead]

I guess part of what I mean about being right is that I can't seem to do anything anymore without being consumed with the thoughts and reminders of my mom. Sure, I cry at bedtime, and when I am in the car alone, but even in public places, the absolute sadness just takes over and I can't control how I react. I believe you are right, Swede1, that somehow, someway, this altered feeling that will remain, will better me and my life.

Sadly, I don't feel as though I am having many ADC's with my mom. It is funny, because she used to tell me she thought I was psychic because I could read her every wish, thought, feeling, etc. The only time I felt she was really there, and I am not complaining, was at her grave, I could hear her voice as plain as day say "I love you baby" just as she would if I saw her in person. I wish I had more of those moments.

I want this emptiness to subside, if only momentarily. I think I am in great denial as Mark says, and maybe it is just the time for that, but this pain and sorrow has to get better. I can't continue to be this sad all the time. I just want to take care of her again.

[septemberspain]

My heart hurts and I really am not myself. I guess God does have a way with putting you thru things and for everything you go thru there is a reason and right now my feelings are really against the person that my mom raised me to be.

Last night I recieved a phone call from my mother's sister's daughter. She was recovering in ICU. I don't know if I'm numb after all that has happened with losing my mom 9/5 and my dad's sister 9/1 or maybe the loss of my godbrother 9/2 but after my mom was diagnosed(sp) with colon cancer in June and her passing. My aunt went to be checked out & sure enough she was stage I colon cancer so she was able to have the tumor removed and she was told that she would have radiation and her recovery outlook was good. For reasons beyond my control I didn't know how to react yes I'm thankful that they caught my aunts cancer in time but at the same time I'm really feeling like crap because where I should be rejoicing that another life was spared it just bought my own grief back about my mom. Yeah, I'm retaining a lawyer to further investigate the lack of treatment my mom recieved because the doctors that she went to in March told her that she had hemmoroids and a bunch of other crap, but I just can't be happy about this. And the hurtful part is I'm a very compassionate person, I put the needs of others first but am I so numb that I can't even be happy right now. I'm praying that this has to be another part of grief. I really need to pray about this because as I said this is so unlike me.

[stellaanne]

I can relate to the feeling that something should have been done to help my Mom.

My Mom went to a doctor in the University of Penn every six months for a check up...had complained of being tired and some bowel changes...he tested her for colon cancer in the beginning of Dec. 04....I took her to the hospital in March 05 because she just wasn't right and I didn't know what was wrong with her...she was told a cancer had already spread to her liver...turns out it was pancreatic cancer not colon...and pancreatic cancer is one of the most deadly...

According to the doctors, It was already too late for any form of treatment ...yet I held on to the belief that if I fed her certain foods to build her up that she would become ready for treatment....I also got her vitamin infusions and physical therapy to help keep the cancer from spreading more and help her to be stronger....but 2 months later she passed anyway with nothing more I could do to stop it.

It just makes me sick when I think of alllll the other things she COULD OF had that I WOULD HAVE been able to pull her through...but this one was hopeless...and why? I can't make sense of it....

I would have done anything to have her live longer.

[septemberspain]

Stellaanne, I could have written your letter myself. The only difference is we started out at Chestnuthill. The mere thought of I should have been able to help more than, the I should have seen it, the list just goes on and on yet I still have the end result. I would give anything to have been here in March to go to every appointment where they kept telling her it's just hemmorriods I am so angry that I didn't keep forcing the issue, then again would the outcome still have been the same. I am a believer that God doesn't give you more than you can bear yet, I am not able to bear this. The funny thing to all this is everytime I start to feeling this way I can hear my mom singing to me she had a beautiful voice and she sang alot of the old time gospel hymns and it gives me alot of comfort especially in the words I hear her singing to me. I too feel that If I could have gotten her to eat it may have slowed down how quickly this cancer was consuming her, but then again that's something I will never know because she's not here for me to try it. One thing that I can honestly say is I was so blessed and priviledged to be her care giver and to be there holding her hand and singing to her and making this pass with alot of love comfort and patience and for that I will always be grateful.

Prayer and comfort to you,

Robbin

[stellaanne]

It's late (or early I should say) and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my Mom. I do this every night before I go to sleep but usually it lasts for an hour of complete thought about her and then I fall asleep...

I was thinking too tonight how I wished I had done her hair at least once a week...I always would cut her hair and usually colored it (then dry and style of course) for her but she herself would wash and style it every few days... I just wish I would have done it for her once a week because she would love to just sit and have me dry and style it. I don't know what stopped me from it but often she would say "no, don't worry about it"...like a Mom....it's silly to be obsessing over something like this because I did live with her and she didn't drive so i was her wheels and always cared for her anytime she was sick at all...but this has been bugging me....

I had a dream not long ago and I think it's what started me thinking about this:

My Mom was in the hospital and it was the visit of the last few days of her life...(like what had happened) the social worker had told me that if she doesn't pass in 3 more days they will move her to a hospice level nursing home...I really didn't want this because I didn't want her to be moved and disrupted and possibly pass during transit....It was Friday in my dream (the day she would have had to be moved)....and I was worried but then all of a sudden she woke up and could speak...she said "I want some water...but first cover me with the blanket....and I'm hungry"...I got all excited covered her really tight with the blanket like she always liked and then went to get water and was thinking that I have to go to the hospital cafeteria to get food...I was looking for my purse for money and fumbling then thought let me go ask a nurse if she could get food quicker...I walked out and the nurse said "yes right away I'll get her something"

I walked back in my Mom's room with a tray of food and she had just came out of the bathroom (yes, she went all by herself)...and i said "mom, your hair is wet"...and she said, "Oh, i just wanted to get washed a little in the shower".....I was so excited....I said I'll get a hairdryer somehow and dry it for you and she was very pleased at that thought...

then i woke up...

I thought about the dream and remember how much she loved those two things...when I would do her hair and when I would put the covers around her tightly in her bed....it made me sad...but thought that I bet during her last stay in the hospital, any thoughts she might of had may have been those thoughts...she was hoping to get up and take a shower, have a nice meal, and have me do her hair...I think that's what she would have liked to happen...

AND SO DID I....I miss her so much.

[deewithgreeneyes]

I am sorry and feel your pain. I think about my mom everynight as well. My mom died three months ago. 3 days after her diagnosis of being terminally ill with cancer I had a massive heart attack. I am not even 50. I was literally heartbroken. I still am. I had heart surgery while she was recovering from her surgery, but brought her home and took care of her until she left us. The hardest days of my entire life. She was diagnosed March 26 and died 3 months later. Everything in my life changed so quickly. I have no words to describe the grief.

[stellaanne]

Dee...

strange, Me and my Mom found out she had cancer March 25th...a day before your Mom...I thought that was interesting.

I had another dream last night about her and the theme again was that I was able to do something to take care of her again...that is a reoccuring theme in my dreams of her lately.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Stellanne...that is strange, your mom died quickly after her diagnosis too. What did she pass away from, cancer? it is nice that you can dream of her. Was she hospice as well? did you take care of her at home and she passed in the hospital at the end? I don't dream of my mom, I had one dream that was really frightening, scared me very bad. Do you feel that you could have done more? I was a nurse for a very long time and thought I could handle everything but found out I couldn't. Tell me a litle about your situation. Are your dreams vivid?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Stellanne.. I read some of the history of you and your mom, very much like me. I lived with her as well, on and off. I was living away from home when she was diagnosed and moved back in with her afterwards. We were very close. Sure we argued and fussed like mom's and daughters do but we had a real tie. I am involved with wolf rehabilitation and research and she loved wolves as well. A month before she was diagnosed I had taken her with me to see the wolves. She wanted to see them again so bad before she died but I could not get her up there as she was in to much pain and much to sick. When she was in the hospital I did bring pictures of her and a couple of wolves that I pinned next to her bed. I managed to get a tuft of hair from an old wolf and put it in her medicine bag for her journey. She had grandchildren who loved her so much and great grandchildren who played around her bed and climbed on her bed and told her how much they loved her. Her dog was with her, her cat was with her, my dog, my daughters dog all of us. She had such a beautiful spirit and such a beautiful face and smile. Twinkling eyes even to the end. She was scared though and sad that she had to go....that breaks my heart.