Loss of a Mother

[josephb]

1 more thing

i mom did go into a coma(non responsiveness)tuesday night and one of the pastors told me i was there for myself and not for my mom as my mom was going to god

[josephb]

another thing bothering me is the fact my mom will not even have a proper burial she had no insurance and im not working due to my recent surgery and i doubt i could even afford the cost of everything if i was working. she will be cremated what am i supposed to do with the ashes?

im so tired of life

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

I just read your last few posts. I can't understand about your grandma. You know her and the relationship between she and your Mom, I don't. I do know that I was in shock, as I believe were a few other of my relatives when my Mother passed. No matter how ready you think you are, or prepared, you're not. Shock comes and goes, sometimes it seems to stay longer than not, the feeling of a non-reality. People can say and do some weird things when this is going on. I understand you're not acknowledging that Christmas is here. Bless Your Heart, it's been three and a half months for me losing my Mom and I KNOW how difficult I'm having it. Don't try to understand other people's actions, it's too complex. It will use up all your energy and I know you're drained already. Believe me, not only did I bury my Mother, but the relationship with two brothers as well. Death brings out the UGLY in people. I was hit from many directions emotionally and what I've concluded is that you CAN'T explain some things or the reasons some people do or say what they do.

I'm sorry for your dilemma with the final arrangements. That's one of the things I had to deal with, one of my major problems. I am the youngest of five, four older brothers, one deceased. One lives three states away. Two live here. The one that lives away, didn't even come home when he knew my Mother was ill and dying, because of his business?? The two that lives here did very little in the way of helping my mother. Actually, my oldest brother is an active alcoholic and took advantage of my mother on several occasions, but would not help her when she called on him. Wouldn't go visit her. He and my brother that lives away didn't contribute to my Mother's funeral costs. The other brother who lives here did, but was hell bent he was only paying one fourth. So thirty minutes before the viewing of my Mother (people arriving already at the funeral home), the funeral director had not even put my Mother in her coffin because they hadn't received money from the two brothers. My Husband had to write two checks, one for each of them, out of his retirement account. If I hadn't had him to back me up, I would have been in the same situation you're in now. The alcoholic brother is the same brother my mother left as executor of her estate, which basically was her home. Now I'm having to sue her estate, to be reimbursed the money that "he" owes my husband. Nasty, Nasty, Nasty. Can't tell you how many ugly things have been said to me. All I ever did was love my mother, care for and keep up her home. Never wanted anything in return, but also didn't want my brothers to think so little of what I took off of their backs all these years. The more I did, the less that was expected of them. I thought I was a good daughter AND sister. Now I'm left with a very weak relationship with one brother only.

When it comes down to the arrangements for your Mother, her ashes, if that's what you will do, you don't have to make any decisions right now about what to do with her. Take some time. You've got a lot of emotions to get through. I had spells that I thought I wouldn't quit crying, didn't know where all the water was coming from. Then times when I wanted to cry and no tears could roll. Anger, etc. There are so many things to feel and I'm sorry that you must go there. I, personally have sought private christian counseling. But this forum here, it's been my lifeline. There is always some one here to encourage you, cry with you or just listen. When I first posted in September, I didn't expect anyone to respond, I just stumbled in here and vented, many many pages. I was surprised to see how many people who are sincere and know my pain were right there to help me. We help each other. There's no shame in needing someone to listen. You have to let it out.

I pray your Mother is with God. I pray she is at peace now. You're here and you must try to find peace for yourself. This is a healing place. And we HAVE to heal. I think it's a long process. But we will get through it.

God Bless you Josephb.

[josephb]

clittlelady

wow i cannot believe all that you have had to go through after the passing of your mother.it is so sad how heartless people are especially when it is your own family.a good hearted person is few and far between and i really wonder how people can turn out the way they do. my sister no showed today when i went to talk to the funeral director and i only saw her visting our mom twice while she was in hopsice and before that she had not seen our mom in two years

i still cannot believe my mom is gone. right now i cannot comprehend. it does not seem real i do not know how i am going to live my life without her

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

You're Right. Heartless is the word. And I didn't even tell half of the story. I just know that I have to carry on. I believe that there is a purpose for every life here. We all have a purpose, a reason for being. I'm still here. You're still here. We have to struggle, and it is a struggle, to make a way for the rest of our life. And you, You're so young and have so much ahead of you. It's tough. This pain is enormous. Some days I feel like it's going to pull me under. But it doesn't. I cry, I yell, I post here with my friends, I go for a long walk, I do whatever I have to do to get through it. As long as it isn't against my health. I won't resort to alcohol, because I've seen what its dependency does to families, I have not only my one brother who is an alcoholic, but two maternal relatives as well.

Tomorrow is not a promise for us Josephb, so we must try to get through this and make the most of our todays. My brother who I mentioned is deceased, died at the age of 37 following a horrible motorcycle accident. In fact, December 30th will be the 24th anniversary of his death. I was 21 then. It's odd, at that time I thought that was old and he had lived a pretty full life. But now, I see how terribly young he was. You know how people kid around about birthdays and oh, you're another year older? Well ever since Glynn's death, I always let them know, that's one more he didn't get and how much he loved life. So I've always been thankful for another year. I know my Mother was elderly and had lived a long, full life, but it is still hard to let her go. I'm thankful for the time we did share.

Be Strong.

[septemberspain]

Joseph, I am sorry to say that what you are going thru with relatives and heartless people is only the beginning. Somehow it seems as if death brings out the worst in all concerned. I think we all have had our share of horror inflicted on us during this emotional time. I think I could handle what I refer to as DRAMA if it came from someone not related to me. Families have a wacky way of dealing with death I thought that death brings the surviving family closer but sadly it doesn't it only tears the surviors apart people coming out from under the rug staking claim to any and everything BUT the daggone funeral expense.

You know people handle grief differently, I don't know your sister or her relationship with your mom but she may have not been able to handle/process the fact of your mom's passing. Being the oldest of my siblings I did the arrangements wrote the obituary and held everyone together when my mom died, but the day of her service and after she was buried, I left, I couldn't hold it together any longer and I went to a hotel and checked in and I hid in that room for 2 days because I got my family through the services etc BUT I NEEDED TO GRIEVE. I said all that to say this, maybe she is grieving now and she sees your strength or maybe feeling that she needs to grieve now to be strong for you later. You may not know this right now, but hopefully later she will tell you why she didn't help with the arrangements. As far as what to do with your mom's ashes, well when the time is right it will be made clear what to do with them.

Don't worry I'm still unable to comprehend my mom's passing, and it still doesn't feel real and it's been 31/2 months for me, but my heart still hurts like I'm still in that moment and the hole I have in my heart, well my heart is learning to beat with it. At times I wonder how I've made it these few months without my best friend and my daily dose of gossip from her. I know it's not me, but it's what my mom taught me to do. I know that she wouldn't want me to give up, and she knows I'm going to make mistakes but she taught me to take small bites of something I don't like and digest it instead of swallowing the whole doggone thing at once.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Josephb,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this pain and confusion. I lost my mom 5 months ago, she was my best friend, even though we argued at times and I would really get mad at her, she loved me unconditionally...as your mom did. As clittlelady said you don't have to do anything right now with the ashes, only what you want to do. Wait until you are not in the fog that I am sure you are in. Wait until the ground settles. My daughter (in her 20's) lost her infant child a couple of years back, Sierra died of lung complications. Sierra was cremated and we still have her ashes, we will do something when the time is right. My daughter is not able to let go yet. 6 months after Sierra died my daughter lost her husband as well from mold in his lungs..a double whammy. We all went through this horrendous grief together and each one of us handled it differently. My daughter said the same thing we are all saying "How can I go on?"...somehow she did and now has another beautiful child and a wonderful man in her life. Sometimes we have to go down the darkest roads before we come to the meadow filled with beautiful flowers and warm sunshine. If we did not go down that dark road how could we appreciate the warm sunshine and beautiful flowers? You will make it through the rain and will find yourself respected by the others who got rained on too and made it through. I never could tell anyone that it will get all better...because I don't think it will. I think this hurt is a real wound to the heart and soul. It is open now and like any wound will take a long time to heal. Yes, with the healing will come scarring...and that scar never leaves. I believe the scar is grief. We just learn to live with the scar.

[clittlelady]

SEPTEMBERSPAIN:

I hate to hear that today is one of THOSE days. I know, some days, one step forward, two steps back. But hopefully, HOPEFULLY, tomorrow will be better. I pray it will.

DEEWITHGREENEYES AND TARA12:

I want to share with you ALL, a poem that I wrote, two months before my Mother died. I knew in my heart things were coming to an end and this just spilled out of my heart one night. I typed it up and included it on a huge Memory Board with photos of Mother and her lifetime.

*********************************************

Beneath this frail, weathered body and thinning hair of gray,

your Mother does not linger, her soul in this coffin does not lay.

A little girl she once was, with spirit and with laughter.

Any eye has blinked, the sun has set, the rose has lost it's bloom.

Mother's Life Journey has been completed and she has stepped into the Eternal Room.

No sadness is she feeling, no pain or restlessness,

no watching an empty driveway and hoping for a guest.

My little Mother, I pray your soul will be rejoicing in the presence of the King

I pray we all will join you some day and embrance you once again.

Surely a void is left in my heart, as I bid you farewell.

Today my tears will fall, but tomorrow I'll sit and remember fondly, of the stories you would tell.

Cooking and sewing as a child and growing up in the "Depression Era."

Finding love, losing love, sharing and caring.

At the birth of my child, you shared in my joy,

You coached me through my pain and announced I had a boy.

You made mistakes and detours and there were some chances that weren't taken.

You've walked through many storms and yet remained unshaken.

You've eeased some pains, you've caused some pains,

But you were flesh and blood, as I am too.

I'll always Love you Mother, for doing the Best that you Could do.

Perfection you were not, but Precious you could be.

Cantankerous, Fiery and a little Persnickerty.

It isn't easy to say good bye for now, I only wish you could know,

I'll think of you when each flower I plant and the way you taught me how to grow.

Farewell to my Friend, Farewell to my Mother.

Love "Your Baby Girl", Connie Ranae.

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:

I had no idea you had lived through such pain with your daughter. Please forgive me, but if I had read it, in my earlier days here, I truly didn't retain much from one day to the next. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth. You wrote that post so moving and poetic. Your compassion penetrates every word you've written. I respect and appreciate you, as I know others here do as well. Thank you for sharing yourself and your pain and your sunshine as you do.

Connie

[deewithgreeneyes]

clittlelady, that poem you write is beautiful, it touched my very being. I literally broke down reading it (that is good for me, I have a hard time crying) and it reminded me so very much of how I felt about my mom. Absolutely beautiful. You are a wonderful person, I love hearing from you. You loved your mom very much, I felt it strongly with your poem. My grandboys are leaving for home tomorrow and I will be leaving as well to be with my daughter for her surgery. After she recuperates I am leaving for up north to find a place to move to in the spring. I really have no idea where I will look, I will put it in God's hands, be quiet, listen, feel and hopefully make the right decision. I cannot afford to stay here. My grandson just called me into my roon and my older one said "Bubbie...I love your bedroom, it is so cozy" I promised him I would be in soon to be with them so I need to go. I will pray for you all during the holiday season and will be back on line when I return home. God Bless All of You and Your Families.....Love, Dee

[septemberspain]

Dee Have a peaceful holiday you will be on my mind. TRY TRY TRY to have a good time. I will be praying for your daughter during this time. And just like you told me earlier get away from it all.... LOL When in the North are you talking about moving to? I'm in Pa it's F-R-E-E-Z-I-N-G here lol (another thing to cope with for my last few years I was in NC and SC so my body has forgotten what it gets like here when it's cold.

Take Care,

Robbin

[lemonhead]

Hello everyone,

I haven't written for some time now, but continue to read and feel so much compassion to all of you during your grief. I am barely hanging on the last couple of days. I miss my mom so much. It has been 4 months, and things just seem so bad. I can't talk to anyone it seems and I don't even want to go on anymore. These holidays suck and I can't act like they are the same as they were before. Now that I have lost both of my parents, I am feeling so alone. A huge part of me is gone forever. I am not a daughter anymore and that is a characteristic that has describe me greatly for a very long time. How do I accept this and live with it? I feel like I can't communicate with any of my immediate family. My husband, who lost his dad just six weeks before my mom, lives with his sadness in a completely different way, and it is difficult to share our own sorrows right now. He expresses his feelings about my mom and her passing, but is oblivious to my deep feelings of loss and the loss of caring for her. My kids, well, enough said. They have lives that don't really include grieving at this age (teens). I really can't deal with this pain any longer. I need to hear something that can give me the strength to go on. I read these posts and I feel comfort but then realize we all share this unbearable pain. I just want to feel good about life and right now I really don't even want to live it.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Dear Lemonhead, I am on my way out the door but wanted to read this web site before I left. I too have lost my mom and dad and I am in my 40's. I know the feeling of not being anyone's daughter.It sucks. I went to the cemetary for the first time since my mom passed (June 30 2005) and saw my mom and dad together. I never have felt so alone. I don't have a brother or sister either. Lost my brother to Viet Nam. It is only me now....yes, alone. I decided I had to go on for my children. Now I am the matriarch of the family as my mom was. Because my mom died...I couldn't leave my kids orphans...neither can you. Yes, kids have their own lives (mine do) and at times I feel "what is my purpose". I am divorced and single, just recently split up with my 2 year boyfriend. Being alone showed me I was really alone with him...just kept the bed warm is about it. Please, I hope you hear this. I had a heart attack (massive) on April 1, 2005 just a few days after my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am fine now and feel good. At the time of my heart attack laying on this floor waiting for 911 to arrive (I was alone)..again I realized how important we are as mothers. We may not feel like it when our kids don't seem to need us...but we did that to our own mom's (remember?)...we needed them just the same. Maybe on our terms...but we needed them. Our kids still need us, it just takes a new twist. Later, when I was rushed into the emergency room and they told me I had to have heart surgery NOW, my kids were 5 hours away, no husband a drunk boyfriend who could not even drive to the hospital if he needed too and my mom on the floor above me in the hospital recovering from surgery I realized how crazy, insane and changeable this life was. I knew my mom was going to die within a few months and kept telling the doctors before surgery NOT TO LET HER KNOW...I felt so alone going to surgery...again...alone. I woke up in ICU again...alone. Somehow all that alone made me stronger and not AFRAID of being alone...just sad about feeling lonely. There is a difference. The lonliness we feel now that our mom's are gone is the worst lonliness I have ever felt. So...as I said our kids still need us. I am on my way to Santa Barbara, my daughter is having surgery...she needs me...your kids need you too. Hang in there and stay with us O.K.? Love, Dee

[clittlelady]

LEMONHEAD:

Hi. Yes, it's been a while. I"ve missed you. I know this Holiday season is kicking me around too. My birthday was November 19, which I always spent with my Mom, it was such a big deal to her. I always sent her flowers on my birthday. That was a tough day, my husband had to work. I was alone some of it. My son did rescue me at noon and spent that afternoon with me. January 2nd is Mother's birthday. She would have been 87. It seems like all these special occasions that once meant so much are all crunched in with the holidays. And no, I don't want to celebrate. But I have made myself go through the motions, decorations (Minimal), very little shopping. I'm doing it for my son and my husband. My son is 26, he's the only one I have. He loved his grandmother very much and misses her too, but really wants us to try to move forward. Because he is our only child, I think about the example I have to set for him now, because he if he ever has to lose one of us, I want him to know, life has to go on and I want him to be okay. Even though he's grown and lives on his own, I'm still an example to him. I keep telling myself, how I handle my grief will make a difference in how he can one day handle his. There is no way around hurting and grieving for the ones we love and have lost. It has to come and stay a while. Unfortunately, we have to feel it, because we DID Love them and STILL do. Our heart doesn't stop loving because they're gone.

I never had a relationship with my father. They were divorced when I was a baby. My Mother is all I ever knew. She was everything to me. I am her only daughter. After she passed away, due to many complicated, ugly family issues, I've become estranged with two of my three living brothers. The third one is very strained. I Will ALWAYS be her Daughter. I will try to live again. As many days as I'm suppose to be here, I want to try to make her proud. Life will never be the same, this is true. I will never be the same, but I have to continue my journey. I do feel very alone, even though my husband has been supportive and loving, as well as my son. Even they can't make this hurt go away for me.

Just know that we are all in this together. We can get THROUGH it together. We'll always miss them and feel the void they left in our hearts.

I hope and Pray that you will feel some peace in your spirit and reflect on your warmest memories to get you through these next few days. We have a new year head of us. Hope.

God Bless... Talk to you later. Connie

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:

I've probably already missed you. I'm sure you've left by now. But just in the chance that you read this later, God Be with you and your Daughter. You're in my prayers. I pray God Directs Your Path where you are suppose to be, following your daughter's recuperation. Thank you for everything. Be Safe. Be Strong. God Bless.... Your Friend, Connie

[clio31]

I suppose I am just looking for an anon. place to vent. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in May, stage IV, after years of chronic complaints that should have tipped doctors off sooner. She was only diagnosed after I took her to the emergency room for shortness of breath.

She was told she had pnuemonia. I made her go to her doc the next day, and they immediately hospitalized her. While she was in the hospital, she began to urinate blood (a common issue for about 4 years). Although my mom advised the nurses that she was prone to bladder infections, one nurse would not take that as an answer and requested the Dr to order a CT scan. Well, there it was a volleyball sized tumor encompassing my mom's right kidney.

The cancer had spread to the lining of the lung, not pneumonia at all.

I was devastated. She was not only my mother, but my best friend. We lived right down the street from each other, and had coffee together every weekend.

Mom's oncolgist seemed slightly hopeful as there was a promising new combination therapy just for kidney cancer.

Mom started this right away. I won't say she was back to her old self, but she came home and things were 'stable'. The disease wouldn't go away we were told, but it could be arrested.

That's better than nothing.

We get through a decent summer, and my mom's mom, went into the hospital to have her hip replaced. Unfortunately, she ended up with a perforated bowel, periontitis, and sepsis the day before she was to go home.

3 surgeries later, she is in the ICU on a ventilator. Then her kidney's started to fail and she needed daily dialysis.

We were on day 50 with my Grandma when we had a family meeting, it was time to let her go.

The day after the decision, I called my mother from the hospital (she was staying with me at this point) and I just heard a loud 'thud'. I rushed home and mom had fallen.

Off to the Dr's. Anemia...back to the hospital. GI bleeding, a rare side effect from the combo therapy she was taking to keep the cancer at bay.

September 24th, my grandma passed away after stopping dialysis and removing her from the ventilator. It was like I had tunnel vision. Hadn't left the hospital in 5 days, up to the 6th fl ICU for granma and down to the 2nd for mom.

We had to get a 'pass' to take my mom to her mother's funeral. Mom looked so frail, so empty, so defeated.

Once mom was off the drugs for the cancer, it started to spread, it was now in the lining of both lungs. We decided to go with Hospice. I told mom she wasn't going to make it. She comforted me while I cried. She was to come home with me on Thursday, October 20th, but she didn't make it. She died on Tuesday, October 18th, 2005 at 9.30 am.

Mom asked me to spend the night with her the night before, she really hadn't been that coherent in days, don't even think she new I had been spending the night.

The next morning, she gets up, eats an entire meal, jokes and reminisces with me and her father.

After her dad left, she started having trouble breathing, and was given a breathing treatment, so I went outside to touch base with my office. At this very moment, I was paged by the hospital. My mom was gone.

It's been 2 months now, and I just cant think about anything else. I was with my grandmother when she left us, the whole family was. My mother was alone.

My best friend, my mother, my confidant, my strength and the one person who truly loved me unconditionally. And she was gone. She was only 53, she has small grandchildren who won't remember her. She has children to yearn for her everyday.

Everyone keeps saying it will be OK, but I know the truth. It will never be OK again. Maybe tommorrow won't be as bad as today, but it will never be OK.

Sorry for the long post...like I said, need to vent.

[clittlelady]

CLIO31:

No need to apologize for the length of the post. That's what it's here for. What we're all here for. I can't begin to tell you how my heart truly breaks for your loss.

My Mother passed away August 30th, almost four months and I will never be the same. People would ask me how I was doing, was I okay? My reply was "I'll never be okay again." How I understand that. It's a most enormous void she's left me with, a hole in my heart. The fog, the disbelief, the un-reality of it all. The Bittersweet departure.

I stumbled on this website, into this forum in September. It has been a tremendous lifeline for me. Just to vent. Just to cry and know someone else knows, really knows what your grief is and have been there. Some of us are in different phases of our grief. It's good to let it out.

I miss my Mother. She was my Mother and Father. She was my best friend. For now, it's moment to moment and one day at a time.

God Bless you and give you the Strength you need as we all go through this valley of sadness and loss.

You're not alone.

We're here. I'm here.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie, clio, septemberspain...everyone...it's me. I can't believe I did what I did but it is only December 20th....Michelle has her surgery the 22nd. I left this morning thinking it was Wednesday....I think I am cracking up. No, it is not early stage alheimers...just stress and continually fighting off breaking down and crying. I am trying to be strong for my grandkids and smile and be happy but damn it I am having a really hard time. I just want this year to be over, this holiday season to be over. My mom's birthday is Jan.22, dad's Jan.11. I wish I could just got to sleep through the holidays. Clio, my mother passed away from bladder cancer...went undiagnosed for a long time as well. Years, like your mom. Sounds like your days were as crazy as mine were with everyone ill and dying. Clittlelady and Septembespain, thank you for your friendship. There are times I feel like I can't go on anymore...to tired. Can I ask you guys something? all of you? As silly as it sounds I feel like I have this really deep groan inside of my soul. A groan like you get when you are in terrible pain. I have it but it is coming from way down deep inside of my heart. Does that sound stupid? I called my doctor this AM as I am getting chest pains this morning, I think it is from stress. I am hoping he will call me in something. I am kind of scared.

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:

Well, Ya think it might be Stress???? Okay, I'm trying to lighten it up a little here. I thought you had said it was the 22nd, but I just figured you had other things to take care of first???? I can't remember crap anymore! See, I use to think I was a pretty smart cookie, didn't mind being blonde. But now, my mind has a life form of it's own and it's not on this planet most of the time. Thought about changing my hair color, just so I wouldn't be stereotyped. I went to have some tests done at the doctor's office a few weeks ago, A WEEK EARLY!!! Took off work for it! I wouldn't dare tell anyone at work. Tried to get into the wrong vehicle a month ago in a parking lot. Kept trying to open the trunk and looking in at all the junk in the back seat, thinking, man I've got to clean out my car! Then I realize...... It wasn't mine, it was a CLONE!

Please get in to see a doctor. Get something for anxiety, just to have if you need it, which you do! Okay, I've taken your advice, as well as several others here, and I'm having my heart tests completed. You don't need to get on the road until you've seen the doc....... PLEASE....

And by the way.... I consider it a privilege and a blessing to be here as your friend, and you mine.

I Will Check on YOU..... Later.

[josephb]

with the loss of my mom i am no longer afraid of my own death.right now i am trying to figure out what is so great about life

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie...thanks..I haven't really laughed like I just did in a LONG time. I needed that...what a great gift you just gave me...humor. I used to love to laugh and joke. Thank you. I have a Christmas gift for all of us on this website, something we have all talked about..angels. I will get it on the page today sometime. My doctor just called and he is getting something filled for me. That was to funny.....

[deewithgreeneyes]

Josephb...the great thing about life is that it changes. Please believe me when I say this...After every storm, there is a clearing. Life is hard because of losses but please remember you are NOT ALONE. We are here to listen to you. This is an extremely difficult time for you. You are young and you are in pain, I am sorry about that and I hurt for you. Please believe me when I say your mom's life was precious...your life is precious. We don't know you, but we all care about you. Only people who have walked your path can understand your journey. We are all on the same journey as you, each trying to find their way through this grief. We are all holding each other up, trying to help each other...let us help you. I will keep my eye on this board today...we will be here for you...Dee

[josephb]

i dont know i guess my outlook on life is not very good right now it seems like it is one hardship after the next

the person i was closes to is gone and i can no longer drive down to the nursing home and tell my mom my problems

well i appreciate you guys listening to me and giving me advice i am going to see about going into counseling

[deewithgreeneyes]

josephb...it is and does seem it is one hardship after another. There are a lot of posts that you have missed and that is OK. We had discussed at one time how a web site like this can actually be an answer th a lot of unanswered questions. Your mom is gone and you could talk to her...a connection and a trust. An unconditional love. Counseling will help I am sure of it. Promise that you will do that. Also, think of this....There are no such things as coincidence (I don't believe it). I believe that the universe, God, whatever anyone believes in lives in all of us. There is an unseen Guide we all have. This Guide has brought all of us to this website. In turn there are unseen Guides guiding us on this web page. Listen to your Guide..your Guardian..whatever you believe in. Think about it...what was the litle voice that told you to click in on this? Go through some of the posts and find something you can connect with. Write it down. Everyone knows about the woman I met at the cemetary when I was visiting my mom. It was real, she was real. Watch for the post I am trying to get to, I hope you will find comfort in it..Love, Dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

During each of our journeys there are moments when someone comes into our lives at preciseley the right time and says or does precisely the right thing. Their words or actions may help us perceive ourselvesmore clearly, help us cope orsee us through difficult situations. These people are human angels-individuals designated to be of service to those in need at specific points in time.

Some human angels make a committment before their birth to make a positive contribution at a particular moment. Others are chosen by the Universe. But they all come into our lives when we least expect them and we can benefit from their presence.

A few human angels are in professions where helping others is a everyday occurence but most are just regular people. May a teacher who gave advice that touched your soul and influenced your path. Or it could be the person who stopped to say hello delaying you enough to prevent an accident. They may offer nothing more than a kind word or smile when you need it.

You may be a human angel and yet not know it. Your fate or intuition may guide you towards others in distressing situations. Maybe recognizing yourself as a human angel can help you deal with pain you see and understand that you are there to help and comfort others during their time of need. Human angels give their inner light to all who need it coming into our lives and often changing us forever. They have the power to teach, bring us joy, and comfort us in times of despair. This is how I feel about all of you and this web site. I was sent this yesterday by Daily OM.......

[tara12]

Hello everyone ,

how are you all today , joesph ,dee , clittle , .... hang in there .. we will be ok .... angels are around us trust this , i do. If your not sure , just start asking for help internally and be open ... for things to come .. try not be afraid .... I am struggling also and wondering of I am doing the right things, but it is best to try not worry and NOTICE the day , this day , today ! notice the beauty if you can and the kindness , try tune out form the neagtive and the doubts. Joesph , we are here for you , your mum is gone , but guess what , we are here ! not the same and never cna be the same , never can replce her .... but in a way , maybe she has helped you by letting you fidn this site and sending you us to help if we can , we sure can listen and we know the feelings . know your not alone in this ... even though it feels you are .. god , we all feel alone and some days like we are cracking up ... it will take time ( lots ) to heal and move on , but , try not make it worse by regrets ... your a good person and your mum loved you, know this ..... and she is with you even now , so talk to her , like you did before she died , she can still hear you somewhere .....

ahhhh , pain , life , death , hard stuff.... but its ok and today everyone of us should try i think to do somehting nice for oursleves , how does that sound... yes , just some small thing ... a walk ? listen to music .. visit a freind , eat somehting as a treat ... get a massage . something .. ok ... thats out task ... just even if it is only for 20 mins , this is important , we must take care of oursleves , our mums would want this .....

be well talk soon ... have a good day ............ and realax

[clittlelady]

TARA12:

Good to hear from you today. Your words are true and strong. Okay, doing something for myself. Don't have court this week, I'm taking tomorrow and the next day off to spend with my husband. He works shift work. He is off both of those days and has to work Christmas Eve day and Christmas Day, so the next two days are for me, for us. Thanks for the encouragement you give.

How are things with you? Your Father? He's hanging in there? Girl, be strong. Take care of yourself.

We'll get through tomorrow and the next few days and then.... THEN... it's a NEW YEAR. Thank God. I feel like It will be a chance for a deep cleansing breath for me.

God Bless until next time... Connie

Connie

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:

Tears fill my eyes for all that you've shared. How awesome to be able, in the midst of storms and trials an heartaches to feel something so precious. I haven't been able to cry for a while now, but my heart has softened today. It might seem silly to some what I'm about to say. I will probably never meet any of you in person, in this life, but I feel for the one horrible heartache I've suffered, I've been given something to treasure, something very rich. You have all touched the very core of my being, where I've taken the hardest hit of my life. We do not ever know how our words may be the deciding factor in how someone else chooses to respond to what seems like the moment of drowning. See, I can't swim, always been afraid of water. My brother (the alcoholic) held my head under water when I was probably four or five. To this day I can't stand water in my face in the shower. Horrible fear of drowning. There have been times in the last few months that is the feeling I had, going under and life leaving me. You, DEEWITHGREENEYES, TARA12, SEPTEMBERSPAIN, SWEDE1, ALWAYSMYJENNIFER and I know there were others, but you threw me that life preserver. I don't believe any of this was by chance. Maybe everyone doesn't believe in God, but I do. I know you've been my Angels.

You're all in my prayers. I want each one of us to walk through this valley and come out the other side, stronger people. Not the same, but stronger. Not less, but more. We can't go back. We can only move forward. For JOSEPHB, you grieve, you cry, you let flow when you feel like it must. We're all here for you. There IS a purpose for YOU.

[josephb]

i have not cried since monday and i do not know why.reading what all of you have wrote has made me feel better and i have been using music to drown out my thoughts. i still cannot eat very much and i have been going to bed as early as 8pm and sleeping 12 hours i guess that is my way of escaping reality

thank you all for your kind words

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

I know. Sleep hasn't come easy for me and I have to confess, my doctor has written me a prescription for a temporary sleep aid. I will feel totally exhausted, but I can't shut down. He says if the body doesn't shut down and sleep, you can't get the rest you need. If you don't get the rest, your mind has a harder time dealing with everything. Makes sense, so I gave in to his advice.

What you're feeling goes along with what you're dealing with now. I won't say normal, because I don't see anything as normal anymore.

I would like to hear about your Mother, whenever you want to talk, share your memories. Remember the good times. She didn't take her love away from you. Her love is still with you. A Mother's love never ends.

I hope as this new day finds you, you continue to concentrate on yourself and healing. Stay busy, if you can. I will be here later today. Hang in there.

[septemberspain]

I really believe that things happen for a reason:

I know when I first stumbled upon this board it help me to know that the feelings and crazy stuff I was going thru I was feeling like I was the only one experiencing this, but thanks to all of my friends here I know I am not alone in this. I know I sometimes wonder if the love ones that we've lost are still having their input in our lives ie., all of us meeting here and sharing I almost feel as if Our Moms are together getting to know one another and they have somehow felt that we all have something to offer the other and they are helping us find each other, to try to get some small part of our "old" selves back.

Joseph, don't worry about not crying you will have plenty of time to catch up if I could use that phrase. There will be times when you get a small piece of comfort and then there will be times when nothing comforts.

Dee I thought you were leaving for your daughter's a day early so you can settle in never gave it a second thought LOL!

Yesterday, I took the day for myself along with a friend of mine and I had forgotten what it felt like to be out among the living! I couldn't thank my friend enough for MAKING me go out and enjoying life even if just for a short time.

Hopefully today will bring a little more comfort to us

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Hi Connie, it seems as though we are one the same page today. I wanted to ask Joseph the same thing!!

Hope your day is comforting

Robbin

[clio31]

Clittlelady and all:

"deep groan inside of my soul"

This is how I feel most of the time. Just an unbelievable aching. Skipped out on work yesterday (not my norm) and back today, but I'm sitting here reading the posts instead of working.

"I will feel totally exhausted, but I can't shut down" this says it for me as well. If I do sleep, I have a repeating dream that I actually dreamed this entire scenero of the last 6 months. I wake up with a sense of relief, for a second, until I realize I am back in the real world

Guess I would rather not sleep than go through that in the mornings.

I don't know what to do to handle the holidays. Gramps wants to go on like nothing happened, and has made that extremely clear. I, on the other hand, want to hibernate. I took a vacation over Thanksgiving, and I want to do the same for Christmas, but I don't want to let anyone down...

[clittlelady]

Hi ROBBIN:

Funny how that works sometimes, huh? I like the way that sounds, about our Mothers plotting to help us, through each other. That's a a very comforting and warm way to look at it. Thanks....

Hope Your Day is a Sweet One...

Connie

[clittlelady]

CLIO31:

That Groan. How well I know it. From the very core of your being? It's the most intense form of love and loss I've ever known. You know, the work thing has really gotten in my way of being able to just cave in some days. Don't know if that's been a good thing or not. But I find myself off and on all through the day, when I'm at my desk, tapping in here to share and gain support at the same time. It really has possessed me some days, in a very good way. I'm glad you came back. We're here for you. I'm here.

This grief is like the ocean. One minute you're standing around and looking at all the beauty and are taken in by the captivating sound of the waves. You look away for just one second and you are slammed against by the rushing force that you know has life and death in its grip. Like I said in an earlier post, I can't swim. But I do love to "wade". I've waded out too far once and almost went under. But you know what, a FRIEND grabbed my hand and HELD me.

That's what I feel we do here for each other. We HOLD each other up.

I hope that you gain a little more strength as each moment passes today. Those feelings will continue to come and go, but each time we overcome one low moment, we gain a little more strength for tomorrow.

I will be back later to say hi again.

Hang in there.

Connie

[septemberspain]

I don't sleep much at all. But when I do I wake up in tears, I don't even remember having dreams I sleep with the lights & the tv on. I find myself waking up and wiping away tears and trying to recall what is making me cry in my sleep I'm drawing a blank on that. At first when my mom died I would wake up all times of the night and panic that I may have not heard my mom calling me and then it hits me that she not here. I would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and jump out of bed because I couldn't remember if I gave her her needle (she was on blood thinners) or if she had to go to the bathroom or I couldn't remember feeding her yeah my mind was playing those horrible games with me in the beginning. I prayed that it would stop but now I just wake up with the tears.

[clittlelady]

ROBBIN:

I didn't get something to help me sleep until Mother had been gone for three weeks. Hadn't slept hardly any for the two weeks before she died and definitely not the last eight days of her life. Once everything unfolded as it did with my brothers and the money and trying to bury her, I not only felt like the most lost person in the world, but so betrayed and used. Even with sleeping pills, I would cry myself to sleep and wake up crying. I hate the idea of taking something, but with my heart symptoms back and my facial twitching, I was scared I would stroke or have a heart attack. I want so much to be ME again, as much as that is possible. I know I'll never be the same, but I want to feel a grip on things again.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all my wonderful friends...today isreally the day...I am leaving for my daughters. Now...if I can find my way I will be in good shape! I read everyone's posts, again I love all of you and want to thank you for all your courage, strength, weaknesses you have shared. Yes, the sleep...I haven't slept a whole night through since mom died, yes I leave the TV on in the living room and I roam from room to room, sleeping on the couch, then back to bed, then back on the couch...roaming all over.Yes, I used to wake up in the night thinking I had to check on my mom to make sure she was breathing. Now, I wake up expecting to see her in the doorway of my room standing there were he beautiful smile, walking over to the side of the bed and kissing me goodnight. Can you imagine at my age and my mom still came in and kissed me goodnight. Oh God, the groan is there tha horrible groan. Thank you for sharing that our mom's are together, they probably are all wanting to help us. What a beautiful thought. I am very uptight today, angina getting to me from stress. The stents or the artery around the stents starts constricting around the stents and it is painful. I can't believe 6 months ago I was in the hospital for cancer surgery for my mom...now for my daughter> I am going to put my nurse's cap back on and talk to the anesthesiologist about Michelle. She had some problems with BP crashing and respiration problems the last time she was under a general anesthesia. I have an appointment to talk with him at 8:00 am before her surgery. Love you guys....I will be home on the 27th of December and back on line. I will miss all of you...Love, Dee

[tara12]

Hello ,

yes sleep , this escapes me also , i seem to sleep little , find it hard to go to bed , even when exhausted and then wake always early at first light , sometimes so tired i cna hardly think ... but we go on , i think this is common and will pass and the key is to just try relax in it , don't expect it to be normal , like before , cause it is not like before , our systems are trying to adjust to a lot of shock , adrenaline and exhaustion and emotion , whch is alot to process and thus our sleep and other things are different for while ...

you can help it , by eating well , taking walks , physical things help a lot with sleep and also yoga or meditation , quite time , listening to music and trying to make a routine if you can ... if you are having insomnia or heading that way , this is very important , try making sure , you do not eat before bed , try making sure you do not have caffiene or alcohol or drugs at all or if you do , have little and only in the morning ..... try making your room dark as you can ,so light doen't wake you up. go to bed with soft music or a mediatation relaxation tape on .... try having a bath or shower before bed , or get your partner ( if you have one ) to massage you in bed till you relax.... try not to fall alseep in the day , and try not wtaching tv or movies , esp heavy ones before sleeping and especially do not fall asleep in front of the tv....

if you can not sleep , dont fight it , do n ot lie there tossing and turning and thinking , ge tup walk around , put music on , read for a while ,w rite , and then you will get tired again and go to sleep , if you lie there it will be worse and if not then you will be up doing something and eventually you will sleep .... if all else fails , then go to the health food shop and get some mild herbal sleepers , like valerian or a anxiety mix , there is alot of variety , so just gop ask them what would help you , some amino acids help with this as well , so ask around to naturpaths , homeopaths , try acucupuncture , these things , now if this fails , then go to a doctor and try a mild sleeper , SHORT TERM ONLY , AS THEY ARE HIGHLY ADDCITIVE and they also will make you sleep , but will also make you sluggish the next day and in the end ony mask it , but in the short term for a day or two , or at the most a week , is ok ... more and you will beleive me get a addcition very very fast and have a new problem to deal with ........ so , i hope this helps , i am myself struglling with this and have before in my life , badly , so know the signals and now knwo the ways to deal with it .... but most of all you have to act and do something , as it will not get better all on its own , it may get worse and believe me the severe insomnia is crazy making and not worth it .... do not go there , do what you can to fight depression and these things , do whatever it takes .....

joesph everyone , share your stroeis aboput your mums , the good ones here , lets do this , no matter the hard sad stories , we have those as well , but lets find the ones that show the best , the most precious memeory , this will help us as well.....

I WOULD LOVE THIS ........ to hear a special stroy from us all....

i will thinkabout mine and write next time... mean while , be well and please know your safe and loved , all of us have our mums looking out for us .... they probabably all hooked up now and hanging out watching us and having a good laugh... lets hope. nice image anyways !!!! they saying " oh look at that would you , there are our kids all meeting in cyber land , how cool " .... lol...

be welllllllllll and enjoy this precious gift of life we still have ........

[josephb]

i wouldnt even know where to begin when talking about my mom maybe once my head is clearer.i am planning on doing the memorial service at her nursing home as she had a lot friends there and they all want to attend.what does everyone think about me not going down to see my mom and fighting over the phone in her last few months?this past summer i would go down there all the time and i had a job working night shift right by the nursing home so i would stop in everynight an hour before work and go in and see her but then i was laid off and had to find a job in the city i live.then i had to go in for surgey 9/14 and my grandma put it in my head that my mom didnt need to be there and i just went along with and told i didnt want her there so we fought about because she said she wanted to be there.she would call and we would end of fighting about me not going down there and she even called once and told me she was the end stage of her diease and i would not be notify of her death i thought she was trying to make me feel bad because ealier in the day we had talked and she had hung up on me and she left that message on my grandparents answering machine.i cannot belive i treated her bad in the end

[tara12]

Hey , Joesph,

honey , she is gone .... SO REALLY there is now nothing you can do about being there for her and worrying about fighting and all this ... she is gone , nothing can bring her back. I am sure you feel bad , but you would anyway , believe me , we all feel bad when our mum dies , even if we tried our best , and you know what you did try your best , you did ... cause thats all you could do is what you did and for all of us , we all have doubts and worries , we all feel , we could have spent more time , could hve been even nicer , blah blah , stufff... and even if you had been there 24/7 and been a complete angel , which is impossible , you STILL WOULD FEEL LIKE **** AND WONDER IF YOU COULD HAVE DONE MORE ........ so ,please , please , if you can , for your sake and your mums sake , beleive you did your best as a humble sometiems troubled complex human , cause this is the thing.. WE ARE SIMPLE DUM HUMNAS AND WE MAKE SOME MISTAKES WE FIGHT SOME , WE ARGUE , WE EVEN HURT PEOPLE WE LOVE ....

she loved you and you loved her , NO DOUBT , IF YOU DIDNT YOU WOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD and you would not have fought and you just now have to trust this and TUNE INTO THE LOVE NOW.... tell her all you tell us NOW ask her to forgive you and forgive her and tell her mum i just really miss you and love you and wish it had been different , wish you had had longer , wish i wasnt a dum human , whatever you need to say , say it and KNOW she hears you and KNOW SHE IN HER DEEPEST PLACE knewyou loved her and she loved you , all mums love there children NO MATTER What ............... awww , I wish i could wipe this poain and doubt form your heart , but onloy you can do this and it may take time , but please do try not beat yourself up , YOU DID YOUR BEST ... and you know its over , its done , she is gone , so you need ot really in time find a way to let this go , she would not want this suffering of yours ... your young , so its harder , but you just got to believ it ok , trust it ,feel it , she loved you , thats all..............

I am sure the memeorial service with her friends there is great , do what feels right now, and homour yourslef and her and be with it .. use it as a way to let go and mourn and say what ever you want , if you can , it will be hard , and even harder after , but in some ways , it helps , brings it a little closer to letting go more , and hopefuly you will feel her and feel support ... i dont know if i am helping , sorry if i say wrong things , i mean well , but hey , i am just a dum human as well ... we all just do our best , thats all.......... have ahppay holiday if you can , try hey ...........

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

TARA12, hit it right on the head. We're all humans and we all do the best we can and regrets just seem to seep in to cause confusion. I think you loved your mother. I think your mother loved you. I think there were several complex things happening at one time, your surgery, her illness. Those are things OUT of you control. Words? If words were said that were ones you'd rather not remember, then try not to. Because when emotions are running high and something so permanent is inevitable, any one could say anything and not mean them from the heart, but from frustration. You CANNOT change what happened fifteen minutes ago, let alone one day, one week, two months. We have to continue and resolve in our heart that we did do the best we could do and not carry shame and guilty. God knows Grief of someone leaving us is enough. She wouldn't want you to be abusing yourself this way.

I have a prayer my Grandaddy use to say:

God Grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,

COURAGE to change the THINGS I CAN.... and

WISDOM to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

It will shred you up in little pieces if you keep concentrating on what you should or shouldn't have done or did or didn't say.

This is said with love and compassion for you. I care so much about your pain and the tender state you're in right now.

You're a good Young Man. You were a good Son. You're still here in this world and have a future. We'll get through this together. Be Stronger as each minute goes by....

God Bless..... Until tomorrow.

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

TARA12, hit it right on the head. We're all humans and we all do the best we can and regrets just seem to seep in to cause confusion. I think you loved your mother. I think your mother loved you. I think there were several complex things happening at one time, your surgery, her illness. Those are things OUT of you control. Words? If words were said that were ones you'd rather not remember, then try not to. Because when emotions are running high and something so permanent is inevitable, any one could say anything and not mean them from the heart, but from frustration. You CANNOT change what happened fifteen minutes ago, let alone one day, one week, two months. We have to continue and resolve in our heart that we did do the best we could do and not carry shame and guilty. God knows Grief of someone leaving us is enough. She wouldn't want you to be abusing yourself this way.

I have a prayer my Grandaddy use to say:

God Grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,

COURAGE to change the THINGS I CAN.... and

WISDOM to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

It will shred you up in little pieces if you keep concentrating on what you should or shouldn't have done or did or didn't say.

This is said with love and compassion for you. I care so much about your pain and the tender state you're in right now.

You're a good Young Man. You were a good Son. You're still here in this world and have a future. We'll get through this together. Be Stronger as each minute goes by....

God Bless..... Until tomorrow.

[tara12]

Hello ,

having hard time myself , talked to my dad last night , he sounded frail again , he told me he fell in the backyard , near the compost and he lay there for ages ( he wouldnt say how long , but could tell it was a long time ) till he could get up , it must have been scarey for him and i felt so alone and lsot about what to do for him as he told the home help I organised to piss off .... I have to resign myself to this happening , and that one day it amy happen and he wont get up and noone will know ... it breaks my heart ... this and how alone he is and how alone I am as well and how our family pattern is this way , only grace was in the end I was with my mum and she wasnt alone totally at the end...... but my dad , well , he may be and its out of my control , these thinsg , are hard and noone can maek it better , death is coming , and its not something we have control over , thats why it hurts so much , cause we cannnot fix it or make the pain go away , esp when you have stubbourn , but needy person , like my dad and live like I do 1200 kns away and not rich enough to go see him much and a **** bro who is there but no use ... and noone else to take it on ....... only thing I could do is go live there and care for him and as much as a part of me feels I AM DOING THE WRONG THING by not doing this , i know he wouldnt want it really , even if a part of him does want it and we would fight and it woudl be hard and I would get so depressed and I know i cant give my life up ....... he would not want this , and none of relatives want me to do this either , they all want me to go on and go to USA NEXT year and do this work I will have and be someone in my own life .... I know this intellectually , but tis hard I feel like I AM ABANDONING HIM and now since i decided not to go now to see him and wit till JAN , I FEEL BAD , KNWOING HE IS NOT SO GOOD AND alone .... but know he is going to a freidns for xmas .... and i know I NEED THIS TIME for me away and enjoying things ( though I WILL BE WORKING AS WELL 0 FILMING AND SUCH .... but , thats life , just hope nothing happens whilst away , hope that god or whoever decides these things is kind to us and allows me this time , it would be so cruel if he died while i do this one thing for myself , i would be devastated and feel shattered and guilt would be hard to live with ... despite my own words , which I keep coming to myself , I AM HUMAN , DOING MY BEST and our parents , everyone , has there own karma , their own destiny and we are not the main players in this , we can only do what we do and know we love them ...... ahhhhhhhh hard though.....

hopefully he will be ok till i get there and then I hope to kick some butt and get the assistance he needs sorted out ..... but even this is hard , seems i try and try and nothing much happens .. it a matter of me accepting things as they are , and knwoing the pain and expectation of his death coming , is something i have to face ,like mum , all over again and try not ahve it dominate me ... i felt so depressed yesterday and down and this is not good ......... but its normal..... only thing i can do is send love and pray and try be strong, cause i will need this strenght to deal with this ... and it is coming , sooner or later ..........

today he is 84 ... I will call him and wish him a happy birthday .. is sent a card , but he didn't get it yet , which is upsetting me as I TIMED IT TO BE THERE , but given its xmas , maybe the mail slowed it down , just hope ti arrives today ... anway , it will be ok, just my day to be sad , and i am tired and so MUCH TO DO and today I feel like I CAN'T DO ANY OF IT AND ITS TOO MUCH AND WANT TO CRAWL AWAY ........

oh well , my turn to be down i guess.. hopefully the day will improve for me and for you all..... this time of year is hard and on the 29th , it is 2 mths for me since mum went and i can already feel it again , counting the days and knwoing this time was when she was in her last week... before he died ... thinking of her , seeing her again and feeling the pain of the loss and things i want to sya to her in person ... but rememeber , they do still hear us , they are free in spirit , i beleive and know this .... she is with me now.......

ahhhhhhhh, be well , love to you all , hang in ok.

[josephb]

well today was pretty hard

i went down to nursing home to clean out her room and get her stuff.i took as much as i could and donated her clothes, birds,fish,a dresser,a stand,and things like shampoo and soap to the nursing home.i also had to go pick up her cremains from the funeral home and i could not believe they came in a cardboard box so my grandma put out $100 for a bronze urn which will arive within a week and one day when i get on my feet i will give her a proper burial

her dad,my papaw was cremated and his ashes were spread at sea by his wife

i dont know what my mom would want but i will feel better when i can afford to give her a proper burial

[clittlelady]

TARA12:

Please know that my heart hurts for the turmoil and sadness you are going through with your Father. I know it seems no matter what you choose, there is uneasiness and questions. I can only hope and pray with you, that all will be well with him now and until you return for your visit. I understand the helplessness in knowing you've arranged help and all the red tape you went through and now you can't even have that as a little bit of comfort. My Mother ran off so many sitters. She was something else. Wanted to be "The Boss" and she was, pretty much to the end. I hope you have a chance for at least one more good visit with him. But you know, as we've said before, yes, you have to take care of YOU and your future as well.

JOSEPHB:

What a sad day for you. No words can express how I feel for what you've just had to do for your Mom. There was no greater reality check for me, than when going through my Mother's things and realizing that just as sure as she left and I'm doing this for her, one day some one will have to do it for me as well. Makes me really want to lighten my load and not hold to so many sentimental things, to make it harder for my son. Only our Love continues. You still love her and her love IS still with you. Take your time in deciding what to do next. Be strong as you can be. Tomorrow, we'll be one rung higher on this ladder of grief. We have to make our way out of this valley. Take care of yourself. You're in my prayers.

Today was a hard day for me. Very complicated profession I'm in, government. Not so proud to be a part of it either. I've been where I'm at for fourteen years and now I'm facing a huge decision about leaving. I work, work, work, work, long hours and also have to bring work home to meet deadlines, nights and weekends AND holidays. We've just been given an ultimatum. We, as in the groups of Court Reporters I work with. Don't think I can take anymore.

It seems like my heart has already been so heavy and just didn't think I could handle anything else... Well I guess we'll see.

Hope tomorrow is better for all of us. God Bless until next time...

[josephb]

i know i started grieving when my mom first went into hopsice, but i cannot figure out why i have not been able to cry since monday. what is wrong with me?

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

I can tell you that I can go for days without a tear, feeling totally dried up and then when I least expect it, the tears flow. It's not something we're in control of. There is nothing wrong with you. This just seems to be part of the process of what we're going through. I miss my Mother more than words can say, but the part of her deteriorating health and mental status, losing her dignity and independence, for me, some days I think was actually worse than losing her. I had cried and cried and cried so much then. I was involved in her caregiving for a long time, but especially the last two weeks of her life, when she suffered another stroke and was totally dependent upon me for her personal hygiene, diapers, feeding her, etc. She couldn't speak clearly and was in tremendous pain in her back due to fractures from osteoporosis of which she had suffered for years. She had sitters at home, but I took over all this care at the end, didn't want anyone else doing these things for her. It was a very bittersweet ending. For a while after her funeral, I couldn't cry, felt so numb, in shock. I would think there must be something wrong with me, I can't cry anymore. But it does return.

Everything seemed so surreal. I live in the State of Louisiana, northern part of the State. Katrina was literally rolling in as my Mother was taking her last breath. All the devastation around. I have family in New Orleans and surrounding areas, didn't know what was going on with them. I really was in shock over all of it, didn't realize the devastation that had occured because I was losing my Mother. It was like in the background, everybody was talking about it, but I couldn't comprehend the full force of it all.

I don't understand how our heart can take so much, but apparently, my son's little saying to me, must be true: What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.

Hang in there. Will be back later.

[josephb]

what else is sad is the fact that my mom was not even herself in her last few weeks,mentally she was already gone.she thought everyone was trying to kill her and nothing she said made any sense. she was aggresive with anyone in the room. she hit, kicked, and threw anything she could at anybody.they said it was terminal agitation and the lack of oxygen to brain it was really hard to see her like that

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH:

Oh my Friend, this sounds like what I've just lived through with my mother, especially during the last two weeks, one at the hosptial and then brought her home to die. She would tell me how much she loved me one minute, then a few minutes later was asking me if I was trying to kill her. She would tell me, I wanted her dead. And all I could do is fight back the tears and continue to be patient with her, no matter how hard and cruel these things she was saying were. At one point she even grabbed me by my throat with one hand and tried as hard as she could to scratch me and had the meanest look in her eyes when she did this. I told her, okay Mother, just go ahead and make me bleed, if that makes you happy, you make me bleed. She was so far beyond reasoning some days and some she was there. I had to keep telling myself, I'm here and doing the best I can for her, because I love her and this REALLY ISN'T HER talking to me this way. Even though Mother was on home oxygen, it wasn't enough to keep her thought process intact. She could be so sweet and then turn into an aggressive natured little old lady. It ripped my heart right out of my chest to see her go through this. These are the tears I swallowed and choked back.

God will give you strength to deal with these memories, the not so pleasant ones. And when you do recall them, remember she wasn't in her rihgt mind. Her right mind loved you and wanted good for you.

I'm making through this day, numbly, but I'm doing it. As long as I can remember, Mother was a part of our family holiday being put together and she was the "Queen Bee". This year, not even a phone call from any of my brothers. We're in our own world now, no time to allow others in. I'll never understand everyones distance now, but I'll try to keep the traditions for my husband and son. That's all I can do. Everyone else is own their own.

I send my Love to you tonight, as a parent. I send my compassion to you as a friend. We will get through this devastation of our hearts and lives together.

You are not alone.

Until next time my friend..... Connie