Loss of a Mother

[clittlelady]

Hi, Deewithgreeneyes: You express yourself just fine. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you've lost so many, so dear, in such a close time frame. This one Grief right here challenges to pull me under some days, don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I'm proud of all of us for being able to vent, cry, gripe, rage together. So sorry you had car troubles. Are you sure you aren't me???? I almost fell down a flight of marble stairs today at work. I'm pretty sure I would have been on vacation for a while had I not caught myself. Scared the dog mess out of me though. I work in a courthouse and the trustees meticulous wax those marble floors and steps???? I am an accident looking for a place to happen. You know, if the decorating thing and the Christmas thing, just is working out, oh well. Try again next year. I don't think there is a decorator's police who'll be out to write you up a citation.

You're missing your parents because you loved them and they've always been in your world. I too know the orphan feeling. Mom was my Mom and Dad. I never had both of their love. He lives less than ten miles from me an wants absolutely nothing to do with me... There's an Oprah story there for some other day. But we are alone. They are gone and hopefully, much better off that we are. Okay, on the relationship deal, you said your alone. How do you feel about pets? Don't laugh. Unless you have a natural hate for them, they are such a comfort and a presence. They love you unconditionally. They know when you hurt. They liven up a home. ????? One door closes, in time, in God's time, another one opens. Mend and concentrate on yourself for now. You're worth extra efforts. Splurge with your time, routine and money if you can. I wish you so much happiness and peace in you mind, body and spirit. It will be. You're not alone. God Bless and Take Care until next time...

[tara12]

Hello DEE WITH GREEN EYES AND CLITTLELADY ,

well , forst my news to update , IT IS DONE , i have booked a new ticket to go see him on the 25th JAN , SO IT WILL BE LIKE 6 WEEKS OR so from now ... not solong and YES , i will do as you suggest and ask neighbours and call one of his friends and also my dead brain bro and suggest if they can just help him over that time so he doesnt fret ... then i will realx more ... I called him and he was of course disappointed , and siad he would miss me , but i think he was ok with it ... I have written a letter to send him and in it said really I needed to do this and what a huge honor it was with the film and hope this makes him feel less abandoned and proud and happy for me ... and then i said you know it will be a better time as i can also see another friend who lvies there , who otherwsie would be away and also can then borrow her car , which means we can get around ... otherwise we are carless.... also the fact he told me he wants to put mums ashes out at this property she loved and to do this will need organising and so i said this is better also as at xams it would be weird and sad and not enough time to organise well pr invite others he wants to come ect... also that we can celebrate his birthday and xmas late together ... and then gave him my flight dates ect ,,, so i hope i am doing my best as well as taking care of myself.... I do still feel worried and tad guilty , but , i do think its better and just HOPE he will be ok , and if he isn't , well at the end of the day LIKE i said , i have to also realise he may not be here for long anyway and that i do not have the power over when and how he will go , just cause I was able to be there at mums time , doesn't guarantee I will be for him , so I have to let go and accept it could well happpen anytime and I may or may not have warning .. esp , as he is more likely i feel to go quick when he does , like as in a heart attack in his bed ... which is not so bad really...

I do love him and mum , no matter what and lucky he is still here after the fright of thinking he almost died as well , and so when i do go down , I will really makeit special and will want to and will be better for having had time off for me..... and yes loads of fun and dancind , heat and lots people though ,,,eeek ,,, but maybe a prize for my film and who knows what adventures...

if you want to see where i am going you can see on the web , just google , woodford folk festival australia ... and go to the link.. its our biggest and best festival and huge event .... better still come on over ..... and come yourslelf to that or the other festival on the same site in july is the dreaming festival( an indigenous festival ).... do have a look......

DEE , I am so so sorry for your losses and alone feelings and clittlelady , you too and me .. i so feel with you , it is so hard and lonley for sure and YES , people do not think or even seem to notice , not that they are mean , they just don't ... largely.. I also felt the loneliest i ever have when mum died , totally alone and was for real... it was , is hard .... and i know xmas will be hard , for me and dad and for this I am sad not to be with him.... but it is true people are all with family and we will feel alone , but we aren't really , cause in the deepest grief , thats when we are closet to our own hearts and to our loved ones in the missing and longing for them , take this time and talk with them , I do , i feel so sad sometimes and i talk to mum and just look at her picture and tell her i love her and feel close in spirit .... it helps me.... sad and hard and lonley as it is ... it will pass and a new door will open and new life will come ... it will.... and we are here and its a great solace for me to talk to you and I hope you know I am here for you both as well and thinking of you .. REALLY...........

i TOO HAVE LOST MANY and have always had this as a fact in life from very young , my gran ma who i loved and adored , my best best friend at primary school and numerous others in high school , the as an adult many friends ... too many at times , it felt why ???? and in this last year alone i have lost 3 of my closet friends to cancers and heart attack , then anbother friend was murdered and then my mum .... I also lost my only child a girl , and no other children... so in some ways I understand this deep loss of so much ... but really DEE , you have had way too much , I mean , so much actual family , i am soso sorry , this is so hard and almost seems cruel to have this much of really close dear ones..... awwww. honey , I am sending a hug ... please even though its hard , even if you don't feel like going out , try do some nice life affirming things and try not focus on horror images , try instead to replce them with the times she was not wating with the cancer , don't let the awful images get to much ... cause this will re traumatise you and remmeber SHE WOULD NOT waish you to suffer and see her this way... I had to consciously and still am having to make myself not focus on that part of it ... even go get a good photo of her and look at that instead ... something... be gentle and don't force yourslef to be happy for others if what u need is to be alone ect.... I decided even though i wads so alone and sad , it was better to be alone and just allow myself my feelings or numbness or whatever... and somedays still feel this way and prob will still on and off .... BUT I ALSO KNOW , i have to move on and live and honor me and my life , and i do it for mum , in her memory and know she would wish this for me... to live the life she no longer can !!!!!!!!!!!

hope that helps a but ? hard ot know what to say, guess thats why some say nothing and leave us alone ... cause they fear saying or doing the wrong thing or amking us upselt , they don't see and know , we are upset anyway and it can't be any worse , the worst already happened , its over .... awwwwwwwww...

all love to our dear ones in our hearts for ever , hope they all are meeting up like we are and watching us connect .. thats a nice thought....

be well. thanks for ALL OF YOUR SHARING AND SUPPORT FOR MY JOURNEY AND HOPE i CNA BE THIS FOR YOU, WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER , due to horrible circumstances and yet , already this has meant we have met ... see new doors open.......

[swede1]

Hi Connie,

Thanks so much for thinking of me. I haven't been by of late and tried to start getting caught up on the many posts since my last look-see, but there are so many, it'll take me an hour, which I don't have right now. But I saw your post and thought I'd at least reply to that for now.

Things have been pretty difficult overall lately, mainly because I've become afflicted with a rash and some lumps in my neck which no one can definitively explain....so been running and talking to different types of doc's a lot. What's been worse though is that my furgirl has also been ill again, and again, and I still fall apart every time, not wanting her to suffer or worse, leave this world. Also been trying to get some kind of act together for Christmas but am finding it's all ironic....we finally have more money this year to spend on each other and my husband's parents ( and everyone's furkids ), but with all the health upheavals especially, I'm not really enjoying any of this. Just another form of having lost a huge piece of myself after my Mom died. It seems like I pushed myself to try a little harder, but every time I started actually feeling a bit better, either me or my gal would get sicker....I'm not trusting my Creator at all now to do right by me....in fact, She scares the livin' daylights outta me at present! What must I DO to have Life go a little easier?!?! I can't even seem to get enough 'normal' things finished, or even started, half the time now.

There've also been some unpleasant developments with both my father ( in the home ) and another one of my Mom's sisters, who's also now in a home, also with dementia....so now that runs in BOTH of my parents' families, something I've worried about ever since I noticed some in my Mom, years ago. My father also has some kind of leukemia, which the stupid home never disclosed to me - and now here I am with lumps in my neck! I'm just full of fear lately and no amount of mental/spiritual exercise is helping me to overcome it. I feel so down and that's not something I expected, this 2nd Christmas since my losses. What's going on here?! My life seems to be falling apart, just as we approach one of the toughest holiday seasons of all. I think I'm really feeling persecuted, even though I KNOW some other people have even worse things &/or more things to deal with...but I'm just so TIRED of having life be such a struggle...it's no wonder I'm sick. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired! So in light of this....yes, THANK-YOU very much for remembering me!!

[clittlelady]

TARA12: GREAT!!! I'm Glad you've made your plans. Believe you're doing the right thing. It's a real opportunity for you and an escape. You need it, you deserve it. I'm glad all has went as well as it has, in breaking the news to him. And remember, should anything happen with him, now or later, you haven't neglected him, you've been there. But at the same time, you must try to continue with your life as well and regain some kind of normalcy for yourself, as best you can.

I'm still not feeling to great. Went to Doctor this morning because my blood pressure shot up last night and I was very red in my face, light headed and dizzy, strange feeling in my head. Have been having facial twitches beginning since right after Mother's burial. First my eye, then my nose, now my lips. I can feel them, but no one can see them. I figured it's stress and it will go away. I had a blood pressure cuff, digital, new one, from when Mother was ill and I decided to take it out and check it, that's when I found out it was high. I normally have a very low blood pressure. So I went in and my blood pressure was still high this morning and GUESS WHAT HE SAID? "Your anxiety level is too high and your body is attacking itself". He knew my Mother had died, but he asked if my stress load was lightening up???? I said well, still grieving for my Mother, missing her, dealing with a lot of emotional issues. Filing a lawsuit against my deadbeat brother to regain the large sum of money that is owed to me and in working for the local government, pressure and deadlines and too much work load for the court system we have. Someone quit last summer and they won't hire anyone, they're killing us. Court all day and working on transcripts, at night, at home, weekends and holidays. They threaten us with contempt of court if we don't meet our deadlines. Feels more like a prison, but I've invested so many years there, I hate to leave, unless I go to College, then I wouldn't mind. I've given that serious thought, just wanting to wait until things level out???? He's strongly trying to talk me into an anti-depressant, but I just don't think I can. I hate to be dependent on RX meds. Thinking about it, talking it over with husband. I sure want my face to stop twitching, very annoying. If I do, it will only be for a limited time. What a world.

When will you be leaving for your trip? I would love to get away to the Mountains of Colorado, where we use to live. Even with all the snow. It would be such a peaceful surrounding. Probably won't make it this winter, because of the JOB! But I will make it to the beach in the spring, my other resting spot.

God Bless and take care until next time. Hang in there and don't doubt your decision, just do it.

[clittlelady]

SWEDE1!!!! So glad to hear from you! I hate to hear of your additional sadness with your family and the problems you're having with your health. I know how frustrating the doctors and the question marks are. You are continuing to follow up on it, right? Can't give up. You have been such a blessing to me. I've missed my friend with the "grit". This whole grief process and the way life is kicking us around, it won't be forever. We will have better days.

Sorry about Furgirl's ailments. Know you love her. Hope everything improves with her.

This Christmas season, I'm just going through the motions, mainly for my son. I'm trying so hard to not let him see my sadness. I want him to know I'm okay or that I will be. He is our only child, a son of 26, handsome young man, full of life. I've often thought that if something happened to his dad and I, he really is alone, as far as family goes. I was hoping that if he could see me moving on and trying to live again, should something like that happen, it would encourage him to do the same. We have a close relationship, but some things I just don't want to burden him with. He is young and in love, lives on his own and has the world by the tail, don't want to weigh that down with my grief.

I went to my lawyer today and finalized our arrangements. He is sending a letter of demand to my brother, for the money Mother's estate owes me for the funeral expenses. I asked him if he had the opportunity to send it before Christmas, maybe he should enclose it in a Christmas Card for me and tell him I said MERRY CHRISTMAS!. He laughed. I don't think he'll do it. One of my great nieces, his grandaughter, called me from his home, what use to be my Mother's. She told me he had just bought his wife a new sunbed. OHHHHHH,,,, I had to really bite my tongue. Hope he gets his letter next week. If he doesn't pay up, we're filing a civil suit next. This is really Crap. Family shouldn't be this way or what was my family at one time.

I've got this feeling that if I can just make it to January, I'll be renewed in the knew year of hope. Close this chapter of my life, end some of my sadness. Mother will always be with me, regardless. I love her still and miss her and her griping, ungreatful ways, as well as her kind words that she could throw out every now and then. Bottom line, she was my Mom. She learned to laugh and love again after the passing of my grandparents and through the more extended grief over my brother. She was never the same, but she did live and so too shall I. God, that sounds tough doesn't it? Hope I can live up to it.

I hope that a window opens somewhere for you and a breeze of renewal flows in for your spirit. You so deserve it. I want you to be well. I'm here. I've just taken a homemade pecan pie out of the oven and here in the south, it is pronounce pa-cahn. Sometimes we hear pee-cans, but that just not it. I've traveled and lived other places, can't take the south out of the girl. To you and all my friends here, I would love to offer a mental piece of that pecan pie and coffee.

Take Care Swede1, until next time... God Bless.

[tara12]

clittlelady ,

WELL , if your blood pressure is ususally low and its high , not good ... and I reckon before you go on any anti d rx , better to consider just a break , a nurturing stress buster , even if its only a weekend , try find hot springs or massage wellness place and splurge ? even if its on credit and just eat well , sleep a lot , and get massages ( hmm actually dont do hot springs not with high pressure ) but yeah please try something to chill out your system before you start thinking rx... I have been that road and i feel its a last resort , it can help , but in the end just buys time and you PAY for it , no matter what they say , so wisely you already know this i think , good , and if i can be like a sister , listen to me and dont make any excuses , just take care of you ... TIME OUT.. ok......

I am ok , I am struggling a bit with some guilt on choosing my own time instead of being with my dad ... but I know its actually the better decision for all those reasons I said.. hope it will be good and i HAVE FUN , I AM EVEN NERVOUS ABOUT that .... EEEK , AS IT WILL be hot and also so many people... any way its done and hoping it is right ...

I will miss dad as well , it is hard to be so far , and i do feel sad for him and for me , but yeah , when we do see each other it will be good I know... I hope he will be ok ... i do.... of course.

I had dinner with my x back from up north , it was frustrating , i felt like they didnt even once ask about how iwas doing about mum ... they seemed like they didnt even want to hear , so i barely mentioned it , its already in the past to others , finished ... hmmm.. felt abit hurt , but reminded myself its just how it is and people dont get it ... that 5 weeks is nothing ? and how big it is to lose you mum ... how come though , i always feel for people when they lose someone , didnt take me losing mum to know it was hard for people and give support , no matter how much time was gone by ? hmm, why don't people ask me ? and then they were telling a stroy about someone ( in the paper ) who backed a care into someone and the person died ... and how awful...ect ... and I SAID , yeah well ,like my mum , a truck backed into her , and i was there and saw it .... and they said , well yeah but she didnt die ... I just shut up .. IT FELT SO COLD AND CLINICAL AND unkind and insensitve... I MEAN they know the storyt , which WAS HORRIFIC , she was totally dead at the scene and then revived and in a coma for weeks .. and ever since was maasively impacted and NO , she didnt die then , but she dies after years of agony and suffering .... I just felt , like , obviously they have no idea what it is to see something like that and the effect on someone , esp when its your mum ... and then knowing she just died ? how could they not see or feel to comment on this and just brush it away and yet feel more for a total stranger in newspaper story >?

doesnt that all seem weird to you ? all i can guess is that as they have not had this experience of death , at all , well i guess its just avstract to them and inability to empathise is just not there ? i felt hurt , angry and sad , disappointed i think > as I had missed them a lot and felt if they had been here when i came home i would have felt less alone , but tonight it just made me feel even more alone and i guess also realised , yeah well , this is why we are not together anymore .... u know.. BUT HARD , CAUSE i LIKE TO THINK THEY CARE and i think they think they do , but all i feel is judged , i felt like i should be over it all and not mention it or be down or anything , act like its all normal ... i feel sad for this .

anyone realte to this ... yeah I bet you all do .. I THINK IN SOME WAYS THIS IS WAHT MAKES THE GRIEF THE HARDEST , is not having people acknowledge it ... being left alone so much , ect.......... i wish there were old rituals still used by us , but not really not now , not here , not in my life and community , I have them , but only alone ... i long for community to feel for me more , to support me a bit , to just notice... this is what i find hard... and makes my mums death harder to bare somehow >>>>> I miss her ... more and more .. its agony some of the time ... today for some reason esp.......

anway , i will be ok we all will

hope , strength ... to us all

[swede1]

Hey, Connie! I just spent 20 minutes writing a reply and it seems BI's composing time has shortened, so I just lost it ALL! !#!#@$@#$@$$!! I WISH they'd CHANGE that 'safety' feature!!! Will have to do it all over again later, as I don't have the time left now. But let me just say one thing ~ you don't know how much it does my heart good to find out someone actually MISSED me! I don't hear that very often from anyone, so thank you, my friend, for seeing some value in me! 'Chat' later, when I have another 20 minutes. UUUuuughhh! And it was SUCH a long reply, too!

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi everyone...I have not been on line, trying to pack and get ready to get up for my daughters surgery on the 21st. Trying to find people to take care of my animals that I have. Connie you asked me if I had pets...I had to chuckle, I almost have a zoo around here. I still take in injured and sick critters so right now I have (of my own) 2 dogs...a chihuahua that was mom's, a cat that was mom's. When I moved in to take care of mom I came complete with....1 australian cattle dog, 1 belgium shepherd, 2 cats an iguana, 4 adult turtles and now have 6 hatchlings (turtles) not to mention I have 2 horses as well. I appaloosa named Kiowa and a quarter horse named Buddy. For the wildlife I have right now that I am nursing back to health I have......a raven, an owl, baby rabbits and an opposum. My dreams are that I will be able to start my own rehab place by next year. I work a lot with wolves and am attending a veterinary seminar in January on veterinary medicine in wolves only. I hope to make that my career after this class and get into wolf research. It would mean traveling etc. so I will have to work out the kinks on that. Connie as far as the anti depressant please consider it. Being a former nurse I cannot think of any bad side effects if taken for just a short amount of time to kick your body back into gear. Please check with your doctor and on the reputable internet sources (PDR.)..Physicians Desk Reference for contraindications if you have any heart condition. My next door neightbor who just lost his 28 year old son 6 weeks ago is taking Wellbutrin. He says it has helped him out a lot. You don't have to take it for a long period of time, just long enough to help you. I am concerned about you having a stroke...please consider it. Later (I have to go into town now) I want to share with all of you my encounter with what I truly believe was an angel yesterday. I woke up this morning 100% sure that are mom's are in a better place, that they see our pain, understand our pain...but don't want us to be here suffering. I promise to write about it later this afternoon. I am not one to make mountains out of molehills and can probably say I am on the skeptical side (probably my job for the past 25 years) when it comes to things....I needproof before I can believe it. What happened to me yesterday was REAL/.

[lostwithoutu]

Hello.

My name is Lexie, I am 26 years old and I lost my Mum on the 19th of October of this year. She was killed in a head on collision on her way home from work around 5pm. I live in Winnipeg, MB and she lived in Grand Forks, BC. It was obviously a huge shock to me and everyone else in her life. I am lost without her. She was my best friend, the person I would call if I needed something. She could always help. She always made sure I knew how much she loved me and how proud she was of me and my brother. She raised us alone for the most part and struggled. We never knew it. I admire the person she was and the life she created for herself. She dedicated most of her life to helping others. What kind of god takes a person like my Mum from this world in such a fashion? And at such a time in her life? She had finally bought a house, was living in the area she always dreamed of and was working to help youth at risk find themselves and find employment at the same time. I have a three year old daughter who asks about her Nana often. It is the hardest thing to deal with. I tell her that Nana's body doesnt' work anymore. I don't know how else to explain it. My Dad is having a really rough time, obviously, as is my brother. I feel the need to stay strong for everyone, but dont' want to lose myself in it all. My husband is great, supportive and loving. I hope I can connect with those who can relate to my feelings. Looking forward to hearing from you all.

Take Care,

Lexie

[angelwings56]

Dear Lexie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your wonderful mother. You came to the right place. We are all hear for you. Feel free to ask anything or vent your frustration here. We are here to help. My mom died 2 1/2 years ago. It's important to keep your mom's memory alive for your child. Show her pictures (when you're ready) and tell her stories and the fun things you used to do. Be there for your dad and brother but remember that you need to morn too. We go through stages and each stage is important. Take care and God Bless. Denise

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Lexie, angelwings56 is right. We are glad you are here. A couple of weeks ago I slumped into a very bad depression and felt I was totally alone, no one cared. I posted it and several days later we all banded together, now I look forward to checking in everyday. You are not alone, we are all here and finding out that our grief and the feelings we feel are real for all of us....we are not going crazy, we are normal. Mom's are so special, they love us unconditionally, probably the only one's who do. When we lose them we lose a part of ourselves, a void that can never be filled, hopefully healed with time but never filled. I lost my mom about 4 months ago, she was everything to my family, myself, my kids and my grandchildren. They are young 2,4,6 but they loved their "GIGI". My daughter and son both have mom's pictures all around and talk to "GiGi" on a regular basis. I planted a magnolia tree and when my grandkids come to visit they hang a gift on the tree for "GiGi". My youngest grandson found a beautiful feather and planted it in the pot for "GiGi", he said so she could fly like the angels fly. I am so sorry for your loss and everyone on this website...but I know for sure there are angels out there who will help us through these horrific times of grief. Our mom's have not left us in death, they are still with us....

[tara12]

hello everyone one , and hello Lexi... I am so so sorry to hear bout your mum to go in that way... so very sad and yes doesnt make anysense , it is hard , we all know , and yes please share in anyway you wish and know we all at least here undersatnd , many won't or will be wierd , but yeah be safe and gentle and protect yourself and come here and share , people care here . it is hard and my mum died on the 29th.. in the same month ... my mum also got hit by a truck , but that was ten years ago , she died at the scene and then was in a coma and then took all this time of decline and near death at times , to them finally after a very painful suffering time to finally die ... and i was with her.... now i HAVE TO SAY HERE , for you , that many times i wondered it it wouldnt have been better for her or me or us of she had died then and there at that time when she was hit.... I dodnt want her to go then ( who would ) and was there and saw it and sat with her in the emergency airlift telling her please dont go yet ... and when i was at her funeral , a realtive said to me , well , she would have been long gone when the accident happened but you called her back.... i had such a huge shock feeling when he said that , caus ei felt like , oh my god , did i hold her back for all that suffereing ????

I guess what I am saying , is as AWFUL AND SHOCKING AS THIS IS FOr YOU , who knows why ??? and who knowsif it was better or worse than any other death she could have or any better timing >>> there is NO GOOD TIME OR WAY in the end , its all very painful and hard .. and though I got to be with my mum and hold her hand , that too was painful , death is painful nothing can help take this away , nothing can make it better... it just is ... and we just need people , like the people here t o notice our pain .. and acknowledge that it hurts and is teriibly sad .... to lose our mums is awful , the worst.

I am in the anger , stage a lot the last few days , on and off , finding blame in how she was treated , angry at friends and people who dont seem to give **** ... feeling alone , very very very alone...

last night , i went to donner and was really hurt , woke angry , feeel like people care more about strangers in the newspaper and dogs than me or my mum death... seems noone cares is how i feel today ... i just got hurt is all , cause of peoples insensitivity and naivity aND IGNORANCE AND mainly cause they havent felt this pain.... NOW , please , the reason i say all this , is to say to tohers , be careful , protect yourslf , better to be lonley than HURT by peoples lack of awareness ... i feel like s**** to day and so sad , more than if I just satyed on my own with my grief.... and if your out there reading this and do have support and people so seem to care , well I tell ya , SEIZE THAT and appreciate it and let them love you and heal you , cause it aint like that for a lot fo us ... I know its not cause i am mean or unlind or not a friend to many , its just life , human nature ... i ahve to accpet this harsh lesson .. and not be bitter, but right now , i just feel the pain....

ok , thanks for listening , i really feel like this is the only PLACE for me right now to express and get some support , and know others do undersatnd ........

i wish you all healing and send my love and care to you , we are not alone here and i know our mums are loving us all even though we cna not touch and hold them anymore...

[tara12]

LEXI AND ALL , IN THE PREVIOUS POST IT MAY BE CONFUSING , MY MUM WAS HIT BY A TRUCK AS A PEDESTRIAN TEN YEARS AGO AND DIED AT THE SCENE AND THEN REVIVED AND WAS IN A COMA FOR MONTHS .... BUT SHE ONLY DIED ON THE 29/10/05 .... I JUST THOUGHT I BETTER CLARIGY THAT AS I RE READ IT AND LOOKS LIKE SHE DIED TEN YEARS AGO , well I GUESS IN MAny ways she actually did ? hmmm.... JUST TOOK A LONG TIME...IT WAS THE WORST THING EVER IN my life to see that , something i will never recover from and asomething noone ever ever asks me about or seems ot even care about either , not then when it happened and not now when she is dead.

[clittlelady]

SWEDE1: Same thing has happened to me the last several days, losing something when ready to post it. It's like a test I guess,,,, see how much we can remember???? Look forward to hearing from you later.. Take care.

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES: I sure hope all goes well with your daughter. Would volunteer for pet sitting if it was possible. I loved hearing about your menagerie of pets. They make my world so much more bearable. I am looking forward to hearing your angel story. I do believe in angels, I've had contact myself.

Yes, I do have heart problems. I have been worked up several times for an irregular rhythm and what I have been explained as it skips beats. I was on heart medication for three years, about five years ago. Ms. Me thought I should be tapered off it, wanted to try life without it. Still have symptoms everynow and then. Haven't consented to the last test, Heart cath??? My Mother had her first heart attack when she was 46. I'm a little cautious about taking anything, but feel like the benefits might outweigh the risks.

Looking forward to chatting later. Connie

[clittlelady]

DEAR LOSTWITHOUTU:

You are in a good place here. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry for the loss of your precious Mother and what it has thrusted you and your brother and father into. From what you've shared, you had a wonderful Mother and a sweet relationship. I certainly can say why things happen the way they do and the tragedy, the way it happened, such a sudden loss. I've dealt with sudden loss to do tragic circumstances in the past, 22 years ago I lost a wonderful, loving brother at the age of 37 following a horrible motorcycle wreck. So for the sudden part, I can understand. My Mother left this world three months ago. She was 86. Circumstances are different for me, in that I had her that long and had a chance to tell her good bye and be with her, but I also had to watch her suffer several years with crippling osteoporosis and dementia in the last year. All of her dignity and independence gone. Be that as it may, I still wasn't ready to let her go, I thought I was, but I wasn't. She was my Mother and my father. I understand the enormous void, the hole in your heart, the gut wrenching pain of missing her. The shock, the feeling of being in a dark fog and moving in slow motion. The confusion. People would ask me how was I doing? My only reply could be, I'll never been okay again and I'll never be the same. This bond between a mother and her child, especially her daughter, is one that can never be compared to anything else in this life.

I don't believe God left your Mother and I don't believe he will leave you and your family in this time. Your Mother had done so much good and had achieved so much.

I'm going to post this now so as not to lose it and will continue...

[clittlelady]

LOSTWITHOUTU.... sorry to do that, but lately, if you take very long to post, you lose all you've written.

As hard as it may be now to think this way, I believe there is a reason for everything and it's not all for our understanding. I choose to believe that my brother didn't feel anything, that he closed his eyes and angels escorted him from this world into a better one. He had done many good things in his life and at 37, the natural mind, such as me, would believe there was so much more. But also, I believe there could have been things ahead, that he didn't have to suffer, things worse that might have happened to him. He left two beautiful little girls and this was all hard to comprehend.

I by no means mean to minimize your loss. Guess I just want you to know that some things are out of our control, this I'm finding out everyday. My grief still cuts to the bones and She will always be in my heart and her teachings. This dark grief we all share is unpredictable, one moment hopeless, helpless feelings of desperation or panic, the next anger, blame... etc. But we're all here for you, to share with you, to listen. When I first posted here, I really expected no responses. I just had to write out my feelings. I found this website and forum late one night, when my heart was bleeding from within. My husband was at work and I felt so alone. Never been a computer chatter. When I returned to visit the next day or so, I was so surprised to see that so many people are feeling what I'm feeling, recent losses, people who are a little further down the road than myself. Some days with cry together, some days we manage a laugh. I've also sought outside counseling for grief. I'm an only daughter, my aunts are all deceased, no women in my family to share with. Even though we will never meet, we are a different family for you. Everyone means well and if someone says something kind of off the wall to you, just disregard it. Remember, we're all in different phases of dealing with our grief.

You're a special young woman to be the strong one. My son is 26. I can't imagine him being in your place. Remember though, take care of yourself and give yourself the time you need to let it out. We will get through this, moment by moment, one day at a time. This is the same Journey we are all taking. You're still here. Live to honor your mother and all that she taught you. She is part of you. You keep her memory alive.

It's okay to be angry, it's okay to cry. We all post at different times, so whenever you need to vent, here we are. With all sincerity and compassion... God Bless you until next time....

[clittlelady]

TARA12: Hi friend. I followed you on what you meant about your Mother, didn't realize that you had lived through something such as that. What a heart can endure? Your road has been one of trials and tests. But you're still here. There had to be a reason for her extra time. I pray that someone will be put in your path in your personal life to be that concerned, caring shoulder for you. Don't sell yourself short.

I'm still tossing around what to do about the anti-depressants. I do have heart problems as well, so I'm reluctant to take pills. Still feeling strange in my head, blood pressure has come down though. I'm a procrastinator when it comes to doctors and their advice. I choke down a handful of vitamins every morning and try to eat healthy foods, drink herbal teas and I still get to help the doctor make a car note. Okay, there may be doctors here, no offense, everybody has to live...

TARA12, keep your chin up, lose the guilt. You're doing the right thing. Everything will work out. I'm excited for you. Right now, it's easier for me to get excited for someone else, than myself. So let me live through you, okay?

God Bless until next time... Connie

[deewithgreeneyes]

clittlelady, I am going to post my story here in a little while. I have some stuff going on here that is really distracting me and I want to be able to share this special thing when I am not rushed. As you, I have heart problems as well and have a 26 and 28 year old. My daughter is 26 and my son is 28. I was married when I was 17 to their father, he's a good man, we just were to young when we got married. Anyway, as you know I had a massive coronary April 1 of this year, 3 days after my mom was operated on for her cancer. I had 4 stents put in my heart and I will be on medication for the rest of my life. Please, as a nurse and as a young woman survivor of a heart attack, have the heart catherization (risk is very little) or ask your cardiologist about a heart echo test. There is a nuclear scan for the heart as well that is 100% accurate (or almost) for any heart disease detection. I have had all three procedures and they were all painless. I need to tell you that with this stress, grief etc. emotions can trigger heart problems. I also need to tell you the younger we are the less chance of survival we have our first heart attack. I was extremely lucky, it was not my time to go. My mother needed me. I feel as a nurse and as a fairly young middleaged woman my need to warn other women is a responsibility I cannot ignore. Our symptoms are quie different than men as well. Your son needs you, please don't mess around with any symptoms you may get that are bothersome. Go in and talk with your doctor.

[deewithgreeneyes]

OK things have quietened down around here. I hope I can get the whole story on but if it get'scutoff I will try and continue on a follow up post. I went to the cemetary again, no cars, no people. It is a very large cemetary overlooking the ocean. I went to the vaults where my parents are and started to break down in tears. I cried and cried then started to feel pretty bad physically. Chestpains and pains down my left arm. I got frightened and thought I better leave before I have a heart attack up here and no one finds me. As I started to leave I got very dizzy and sat at a water fountain and prayed somehow this grief and the horrible empty feeling I have been carrying would be lifted. I prayed that somehow I wouldn't feel so alone, like such an orphan. I got up off my knees and walked to my car that was parked....no other cars to be seen...no other people around. Suddenly a young woman came walking up a grassy knoll. I saw her and smiled and in a very almost angelic voice asked me if I was visiting someone. I said yes, my mother and father. I asked her if she was visiting someone as well and she answered yes, several people. she came often often. You guys, she was beautiful. Not in a movie star way but in a clean pure way. She was dressed in levis, baseball cap, beautiful bracelet on and a checkerd pink blouse. Her face was flawless and she had the most beautiful brown eyes....peace and serenity exuberated from her. She took my hand and asked me if I wanted to show her where my mother was. I felt a warmth from her hand....it was a very cold day I might add. When she was leading me to where my mom was (I did not tell her where she was) I almost felt like a child following someone very strong and safe, yet she was smaller than I am and I am only 5'1"..she was very tiny and very petite. We sat down in front of my parents spot and she put her hand on my leg and told me that my mother and father knew I was there, they see me everyday. She asked me to imagine the most beautiful place I have ever been and magnify that 100 times....that is like where my parents are. Nothing was mentioned of religion at all...nothing about Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism...nothing. She told me it was important to my parents that I live my life in peace, happiness and serenity. All this time I felt as though I was in some sort of power or atmosphere if you will that I could not get myself out of,nor did I want to. It was so peaceful sitting with this person. She had tears running down her face, turned and looked at me and suddenly put her hand over my heart. She told me I needed to go home and rest because she was afraid of my heart problems (I had told her NOTHING) and that if I did not listen to what my parents wanted for me I would not be around for long. She walked to the car with me and I got in, all the while feeling nothing but peace. She told me God had touched us both that day and never forget our encounter. I watched her walk down the knoll and sit beside a gravesite on a bench. I could actually see a glow from her. I believe I was truly touched by an angel. I still can see her vividly and I am not the sort of person that would have ever done such a thing than to follow a stranger, feeling like a child. I have a reputation of being a pretty tough cookie but she made me feel like a little vulnerable girl who needed healing. That is a true story......

[tara12]

DEE , wow , AMAZING STORY and very heart warming for you .... and yes , I know its true as well and that it is so true our loved ones need and want us I am sure to live well and in peace and not be distressed , and yet we are as well... for now .... and as you and clittle said , WHO KNOWS the way fo things , and for me , who knows why the lessons seem harsh , and why I suffer this terrible feeling of noone caring ... i know people care , but yeah in the moment with the people I wish for care to be forth coming , well it isn't and then like dee's story suddenly a complete stranger emerges and is there in ways , u would have though otheres would have been , but couldnt be ( for whatever reason )... today this happened for me.. i felt so bad this morning just really **** and vunerable and teary .. and angry ect... had to go to work and my new co worker called and said lets meeet for coffee , which we did... and out it all came .. and it was natural and she asked and she was there and then we discovered we know a lot of old friends in common and been on similar journeys , so this also helped us bond and feel really good about this work we have both just signed on to do together , so this was a blessing in disguise and I am so grateful ...

meanwhile , i see the other happenings , where people i would have liked some support from or even just simple acknowledgement and they haven't , well i JUST FEEL that this si a lesson for me , to let them go , or at least to just know , though i love them that perhaphs , not to have any expectations they could ever be there for me, cause truly if they couldn't during this , the biggest moment of my life , then why would they ever be for anything ? so , whilst i now will have to deal with the disapppointment involved in that , it just means to know and accpet and move on and even of alone , better than having expectations or thinking i have people who care , when it is not in their ability to do so... not that they mean to be cruel , just they don't know ... so love them , be compassionate to the fact they are ignorant ( blissfully so ) till one day they too have this experience ... but meanwhile , enjoy them for simple fun times maybe and know it is angels and special unknown people , like on here , or a stranger even , that may be who guides us and helps us the most .... this helps me... hope it helps you all , cause i suspect , this pain i feel , is something we all face , the isolation and aloneness has taken me totally by surprise , i thought people were more developed , death was less of a taboo , but i now see it is still a hidden thing ... for most ....

anyway , be well all of you , dont feel alone , we are all here , unfortunate , but true and I am here and i hear you , feel you and share your sorrow and loss ... and we also are alive and will heal...

clittle ....... YOU PLEASE GO SEE A DOCTOR AND DO LIKE DEE SAYS AND GO GET THE HEART THINGS SORTED ASAP.... please please please.............

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:::::

What an absolutely, beautiful experience. How wonderful to know that someone cares so much for you to send someone for the reassurance you need. I'm so glad for you that you had that chance, that moment, that message. I believe.

I've hoped to feel my Mother's presence, a warmth of her, but I haven't. With all the discord and animosity that surrounded her burial, I'm worried she's upset with me. I've had the one experience about a month ago, which wasn't pleasant, it frightened me. My husband and I were in bed, he was turned over, asleep. I had just turned off my television and was lying there. I had the feeling that there was a presence right beside my bed, an upset presence, small in size, but no real features, dark. I turned to my husband and got as close as I could, pulled the covers all the way up over me. This feeling stayed for a while. I told him in the morning about it and he said it was just my subconscious grieving and missing my Mom. It wasn't a good feeling. Now when he's working nights, I sleep in the living room, in the middle of the house. I so desire good feelings, comforting ones.

Okay, I will call my cardiologist next week and make an appointment. I promise. I just hate tests, it's so difficult to get off of work, I bearly get a pee break. If the Judge takes one, I get one? Now that's justice, huh?

I'm not feeling so great tonight, think I'm going to try to go to sleep now. Friend, take care until later.... Connie

[clittlelady]

TARA12:

Okay, I promise, I'll contact my cardiologist next week and make an appointment. As I told DEEWITHGREENEYES, I have difficulty getting out court to go pee, a doctor's appointment is a real quest. But I will. I'm not feeling to good right now, however blood pressure is lowered, just this strange feeling in my head. I'm sure one my cat and dog curl up with me, I'll be fine.

The negative people in your life, let them go. You see people for who they really are now. You can separate the ones that mean well, but don't know how to approach you from the ones who just don't have any care or concern. Your inner voice is becoming stronger about these things. I feel like I can just sit back and watch people and their attitudes now and really see everything about them differently, people I work with, Judges, Administrators, lawyers, clerks. Everybody has a different agenda. Not everyone has a heart or compassion. There are a lot of selfish people in this world. We just have to weed through those to get to the ones who are worth conversing with, worth our time. I see life through different eyes, definitely after losing Mother and dealing with some wonderful family members following. The beast comes out. the people you are suppose to be able to count on, you can mostly can them out, as for me anyway. But that's okay, because I'm finding Other people, worthy of meeting and getting to know are being put in my path to replace the negatives. God's watching out for us. He's got the overall view on this and I'm trusting him to direct me where I go and who I socialize with. I think you have a major calling ahead of you. Your story you must tell. You are going to touch a lot of lives, you already have.

Going to tuck myself in. Husband working nights. Sofa for me. Take care until next time, Friend. Be Well.

[deewithgreeneyes]

So beautifully said clittlelady. Tara thank you also for your support. Clittlelady, I would like to share something with you. After my mom passed away I felt the same thing....almost like I was afraid of my mom's presence after her death. To be very honest with you, my mom got very mean with me at the end. My daughter and I were disappointed because we thought it was going to be like the movies. The "I Love You's " being tossed around freely, mom telling us she loved us, the loving looks and angels singing. WRONG. It was ugly, disappointing, frightening. My mom at the end would look at us with a very scary look...not recognize us...almost had an evil look at times. Rationally I knew it was the cancer affecting her mind....but spiritually it scared the **** out of us. I still sleep on the couch 1/2 of the time, depending on how the day went, and how my emotions held out. Roller coaster ride...we know what that is all about. When I was a nurse I was not frightened like this when people passed. I felt heartbreak for the families...never did get over that one...I worked pediatric oncology. At any rate I have asked myself why did this scare me so much? I came to the conclusion it reminded me of my own mortality. I grew in my mothers womb, in her body. Her body withered and died. I used to be connected to that body...now it is really disconnected through death. I think for myself I have to come to terms with it for myself, my mom (death). I have been going to counseling also so that I can get a grip on all of the life changes I have been through. It almost feels like I am in the twilight zone. When I had my heart attack I fought to stay alive....I came home to care for my dying mom, trying to stay healthy myself. With the stents in my heart I was not allowed to lift anything over 5 pounds and not allowed stress (ha!) the stress can cause the arteries to constrict and the stents will collapse. So....I had to detach myself, almost as if it was not really happening. Anyway, I am getting off track here.....I had that horrible feeling as well, it is very frightening. I am still in my mothers house, my kids are about 3 hours from here and I am moving as soon as I can fix the house up to sell. I have to confess my feelings to all of you and ask if you guys feel the same way but it scares me to be here by myself. The memories of my mom's last days are embedded in my brain and will not go away. It was horrible for me as a nurse to go through this with my mom...I felt useless, utterly useless. My family tells me I did a wonderful job keeping her out of pain, giving her dignity in her death etc. but I can't stop blaming myself for not getting her to the doctor sooner. I blame myself for having to get angry with her at times when she would insist on walking and getting out of bed then falling on the floor. One day I came in the bathroom and she was on her hands and knees cleaning the carpet where she had an accident. Pitiful...just pitiful. Horrifying. Bladder cancer is a hard cancer to go with. I knew at the time of the diagnosis we were in for a horrendous journey. Tried to warn my children ahead of time. My son was in the marine corp. the elite group of Recon Unit. He had a rough time dealing with it...still is. Somehow I have to get those terrible images out of my mind.

[tara12]

DEE , those images , somehow you try and replace ok , literally if they come , interupt them , do not let them entice you and hypnotise you, don't allow them , really , you must do this , tell yourself oh , here i go , Ok , not going there and literally replace it with somethingelse , a good thing would be a special place you feel safe in , like the ocean , or a tree , or say a prayer , or go put loud music on , even just getting up and going outside , anything... REMEBER , WE DO NOT HAVE CONTROL IN THESE THINGS , no matter who we are , what we know , how we think it will be ... in death , we are powerless, no matter what ... cause death takes away life .. takes our loved ones forever and we have no choice , we can not stop it , no matter how much we wish we should have , could have , if only about it .... it is done , and its awful and it hurts , and it suxs more than anything ... but we have power over us and our lives and what we allow in our heads , believe that ... replace the fear and the ugly images with good memories , consciously make an effort ( I am not saying you dont make an effort ) just saying I know so well what you are saying and I have been that road in other things in life ... but i have learnt and I am using this that I learnt wiht the images I also have at times ... I replace it as soona s I become aware , i change the picture , consciously the more you try this the more it will start to work till you start feeling you have some control back . in your life ... death i think makes us feel out of control ,,, and in truth we are out of control , but we do have choice , CLAIM IT ... AND USE IT ... PRACTICE BEING BRAVE , WE CAN DO THIS , do not give in OK.... we cna make it throught this,without permanant trauma , with sorrow and loss and pain , yes we will have , but we do not have to be permanatly traumatised or suffer , we owe oursleves and our lived ones this ... they would not wish it , no matter their own suffering .. they would cry for us , for you , to know how hurt you are ..... please take care , please be gentle and please do trust your mums love and feel that , you know it was her pain and the cancer , this is not her , she is not the cancer , she is the essence of you , ... you are her daughter , she lives on.... in you and through you , all her best parts ... esp her love....no matter what , I really know this... trust.

i hop tommorrow is a better day for you..... for us all

and clittle YOU DAMN WELL GO TO THE DR AND TAKE MORE PEE BREAKS .... ok

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:

Wow, not much I can add to what TARA12 said to you. She's absolutely correct. And I do understand about the scary images. Even though at the very end, before Mother became unconscious for eighteen hours and died, she came and went mentally and she would look at me as if I were to blame, she even accused me of trying to kill her and wanting her dead and the looks that came with those harsh words, she would even hit me and had never done that before. Oh yes, I understand. But you know what? That wasn't her. I'm with you on trying to block those images. It was a horrible thing, but we weren't to blame. We did all we could do and many things are out of our control. Destiny is Destiny. In this whole big picture we are so minor and insignificant when it comes to our will. The plan is already laid out there. I pray our minds can filter out what is negative for our hearts and health.

Healing will happen for us. We just have to get through these day to day trials. God's angels are with us. We're not alone. We never know when we're speaking to an angel, right???? We obviously loved our parents or we would be hurting so much. So in one sense, we're blessed because so many people don't know how to love or give. We do. We're in a different realm than a lot of people, who for whatever reason cannot give love. Our parents knew our love. That is a good thing to carry with us the rest of our days.

I have some brothers who honestly, I don't know how they sleep at night for the way they treated my Mother. Even with her being unreasonable and too demanding sometimes, she just wanted their love and their time. I know in my heart, I couldn't have done anymore and did much more than some would have. She was a hard person in her last years, very hard. She always taught me to treat people the way you would want to be treated and that is what I've always tried to do.

TARA12: OK, OK, OK. Thank you!

Hope the best for everyone today, got to get to work now... God Bless. .

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thanks you two. Lastnight I tried what yous suggested about changing the images. It worked..thanks.Clittlelady, hope you had a good day at work, thanks for sharing that your mom did the same thing. My mom accused me of trying to kill her too. Oh yes, I remember my visit with my messenger...I know my parents are at peace, that I believe. Will talk with you later....have a good one!

[septemberspain]

OK I've wote six different times and they are not posting so I'm gonna post a lil later but I will be posting 1,00000 thoughts lol

[septemberspain]

Ok being that I suck at typing and this thing is losing my post here goes

And the sad thing is I'm afraid to try to remember who said what but here are some of the thoughts on the last few days:

First I'm sorry Angel56 that you are now among us, The loss of your beautiful mother I know has been hard but thankfully you have found us and this board. I lost my mom 3 months ago and I still don't know where I'm at with grief. But as you will soon come to realize we are all here and some longer than others but unfortunaetly here. You can come here vent express whatever helps you get through it we are here to help and even console each other.

Hi Tara Glad to finally get the moment to say hi and to let you know that I understand the situation regarding needing Tara time if I can express that right.

Swede glad to see you again, You were missed.

Clittlelady Don't let me start fussing and sounding like a mom I'm glad you made the appointment and I don't care if the judge don't take piss breaks take time for you and your health. You have been such a motivating factor to me, I tried to post back to you concerning the house thing with my sister, but I'll get to that later. That suggestion helped us.

And I know there are others I can't remember the names but I just want to say hi and to let you know I'm here (if this board ever allows me to post to it)

I found on the web a few days ago about a group of woman who are daughters of mom's that are deceased. I'll come back later and post the link.

Now I'm going to post this and come back (If this site lets me post again)lol.

[septemberspain]

I'm back and excited that my post is here lol

The link or should I say the site is called www.Motherlessdaughtermeetup.com

I'm thinking about getting involved never know it may help in some way.

Dee when my mother was responsive during her last hours I too felt that she was looking at me with a real evil, wicked look and to say that it frightened me is an understatement. It scared the @%^& outta me and I was so confused and hurt by what I was taking out of it. I even had an argument with her that Thursday before she started being unresponsive, for I never got the chance to ask or do I understand why. I've sort of tried to block that from my mind too, as if I'm already blocking out so many things. The strange thing was that she would only respond to me and I was trying to let people say goodbye but unless I called her and told her what or who was there she wouldn't respond, so I somehow felt that I was holding her here she had already separated herself from the others and I was the last one to let her go, damn I hear those words echoing from being told by family I had to let her go sorry I was having a moment. But the moment I actually let go I regretted having those words fall from my lips and that's when I felt all this evil feeling surround me and it has been here every day since. I would try to replace those feelings and I think I've block so much out that now I'm having a hard time recalling her smell her touch and the laughter. So this has really been affecting me to the point that I'm worrying more about her than ever. It's strange that this is happening at this point and I'm going to stop here and pick up again so I don't lose this.

[septemberspain]

Ever since my mom passed I havn't been able to shake that evil feeling and I was getting so upset because my 2 sisters and my daughter have all dreamt of my mom and I was really thinking that she was still angry at me and the fact that I was still holding her last look at me in my mind and I'll admit I've been afraid of her coming to me so to speak, well yesterday my sister called me to tell me that the night before she had strange things happen at her house the first being that she had fallen aslepp on her couch but she woke to the strong smell of cigarettes my mom smoked and my sister & her would go at it because my sister didn't allow smoking in her home. She said it was like someone sitting there next to her chain smoking and blowing smoke in her face, but when she went into other rooms there wasn't a scent or smell so she said she said alright mom I know you are here. But it didn't stop there she also had a dream of my mom and in this dream my mom told her to come go to where she lives at now. She said my mom took her and my younger sister to this place she said they had to climb up two sets of stairs and she told my mom to wait for my younger sister because she was still climbing so while they were outside of this doorway to where she now lives she said she saw a worm hanging from my mom's nostril and she asked my mom what that was and she told her that "where's she at now this happens alot" and she pulled the worm out then she led them into her "room" where there's a bed and a chair and my mom tells her let me show you my new choir robe (my mom was the choir director at her church) and then she moves her belongings out of the chair her Bible, some church records etc., and my sister was asking her questions about her new life and she said she asked her where the bathroom was and her kitchen etc but my mom told her she didn't need those things where she's at. She said my mom looked great and she was happy and excited about having guest there to visit so she could show off her new surroundings then her alarm clock woke her up.

I still don't understand all of this dream but it bought me sooo much happiness to hear she was ok and that she was still singing. I'm still waiting for my daytime visit from her (she knows I'm a chicken so she already told me I would be on her day visit list lol) But I guess I'm still not ready to accept that from her yet.

Well I think my time is about to expire for this session I'm going to hope that this takes

Talk to you all later,

[deewithgreeneyes]

Septemberspain and all my other friends...hope you all had a good day today. I sat thinking today about why all of our mom's got the way they did before they passed. My mom was alot like septemberspain, only would respond to me but yet seemed so cold, distant and angry. We had an argument as well just before she became unresponsive. She kept trying to call the hospice doctor demanding to talk to him. She would not allow me to give her medication or food. You know I think we all were probably a little crazy during that time. My best friend said at the end I was looking desperately through the Bible for the Book of John. Don't ask me what I was looking for, I don't even know the bible. She said I became literally irate and screamed at her that I couldn't find the Book of John and she was the holy roller around here (she's mormon) we are not. We laugh about it now, yes, she is still my closest friend but I guess I went a little beserk for awhile. I have another story to share....mom has lived in this house for over 30 years. About 7 years ago (there about) mom woke up one morning and saw a figure walking down the hall to my room. Male, with levis, blue shirt, collar length hair. He walked into my room. Mom got up and came into my room (I was spending the night) and demanded to know where the guy was. I woke up out of a start and mom was dumbfounded...said she saw this person as if he were right in front of her.She said his description fit the description of my John who was killed in an auto accident about a year before that. When hospice was here our nurse was sitting on a chair in mom's room charting some information. She said she heard a noise and looked where the noise was coming from. She saw a young man, levis, blue shirt, collar length hair going into my room. She was really upset and thought one of the gardner's had come into the house uninvited. When I told her we have seen him before she turned as white as a sheet and said we needed to call a chaplain and have him come to the house. All the employee's from hospice heard about this event because she went back and told everyone what had happened. I would like to think that John was here. My Indian friend says that these spirits start to gather before one passes so tha they can go with them to the other side.

[septemberspain]

yup having another sleepless night. Dee when my mom was I believe crossing over she was led by her brother sisters and a cousin she grew up with. She was actually holding a conversation with them but I kept calling her back, I didn't realize then what was happening to her. I know during her last month she would often tell me her brother was there standing in the corner and she would ask me if I saw him? I truly believe that he was there and those were the times when her feet and hands would feel ice cold.

I've often wondered about the mean angry way she became during her last days with us. I use to think she was angry at me and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why and I still have not to this very day. My mom stopped eating during her last weeks as well and the only med she would take was the morphine patch. And I thought I was failing at taking care of her and that somehow if she would just eat then she would make it, silly? Yeah I know but this path in my life is so unfamiliar and I can't help but to wish I could find my way back home again. As far as all this loneliness in my heart I'm still struggling to deal with it. The crazy thing about going through all this is I moved away from my home state almost 3 years ago and I was just beginning to really get my life in the new place. I had left here because my daughter my only child had been shot during and attempted robbery at her job. She survived but she turned to drugs to help her cope so I felt that in order to try and "save" her life I had to move. So that was the reason I moved 8 hours away from home. So after time of settling in my life had just started to change for the better, I had met someone and we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together and then my mom got sick I came home and the rest is the reason why I have found this board. My parents had separated about 6 years ago and they had just gotten their divorce last year and my dad remarried less than 4 months later and my mom got sick and my sister who is a little person was left in the house that has been home to us for almost 40 years and it was sort of decided by the family that we should move back here. So here I am......... I am sitting here rambling trying to sort out so much in my head but it's almost 4 AM and I know I should be sleeping so I will talk to you later.

[septemberspain]

Dee, I just went back and reread your story about searching the Bible for the book of John. Had you ever thought that you were looking for your brother John??? I don't know you probably gave that incident the complete over haul lol. Good Night for real this time. lol!

[deewithgreeneyes]

You know, I never thought of that Septemberspain....that is really strange. It never entered my mind. I hope all of you are OK today...Take a breath of the new dawn and make it part of you. It will give you strength. Hopi Indian.

[tara12]

Hello another day , a weekend sunny and hot , australia at xmas .... i AM WELL , had a couple people over for dinner last night and made way too much food , oh well... had invited lots others , but in the end just 2 people , which was good , cause i realised i was straining a lot to cope even with that , in terms of the conversation ... you see it was with the freind i described before , a few posts back who i said I had felt disappointed in , and hurt when after she had been a wat all that time , just seemed to not really ask about my mum , or how i was , and even then was kinda of cruel... well she came last night and i felt like the converstaions was largely between her and my other friend ... INTERESTING , in fact at one point I just went and sat off to the side and smoked a cigerette , as I felt I was so no included ... weird ... then later we were inside chatting and I was chatting with my other friend who also has lost her mum and who i have talked with and who was with me when i found out i had to get on the plane ... so knew she was interested ., there was a photo of my mum , so i said , oh yeah that my mum and picked it up to show her and tell her about it ( as it was the last photo i took of her 2 weeks before she died and is very beautiful )... next to it i have put a smaller photo of her as a younger women... and so was telling her ... I felt my other friend go cold .. she actually got up and went to the kitchen... I said to her , oh did you see this of my mum , she didn't even look and said ,oh yeah I saw it when i came in .... didn't even take a second look ???? man >>>> how cold is that ? I also felt like I shouldnt even be talking about it >>> and this is a feeling I have aroudn her in general , that she is bored or something anytime we are in a group , its like she talks and talks and then if i finaly say anything , especially if its answering a questions someone asks me , like about my work or something , i feel her go cold , and bored and disinterested >>> its sad , i feel ,less and less like I will wish to be around her if this is her attitude , and esp as I feel now on two occassiona she has just totally dismissed what happened for me with my mum... just totally not interested.... so hurtful and not even like I talk about it >.. not at all , quite the contrary , but this was meant ot be my best friend up here ,the one person I though i would find some support from... wow , this death stuff is A HUGE HUGE LESSON.... the things we discover about ourselves and others is the hardest bit in someways ... I do not blame her , i will not hold it against her , I love her , but i think she just must not be able to deal with it or something ? who know why ? i shouldnt even have to figure that out , we shouldnt have to be the ones to understand other peoples inability to be compassionate >.. or guess at the reasons they choose to omitt essentially our biggest expereinces... just something to know i guess and a lesson in not having any expectations as to how people in our lives will or wont be there for us... I for one hope I am able to be there for others when they need and ask for forgiveness for any time in the past where i was unconsciously unkind ... I am sure NOONE MEANS TO HURT US ... just how it comes out ... and our expoectations... yeah... ahhhhhhhhh, what do otheres think fo this ? is this a common experiences???? I wonder , I hope its not just me , surely , i sometimes feel like maybe i am somehow at fault ? how come noone is supportive , ( self pity ) but I need to know , is this common to you all as well.... the feeling that at this our hardest of all times , the very time you think if nothing else at this time people will be there for you , in fact its the oppposite ???? is this common ??? what happened to our cultures attitudeto death , esp western culture , in my birth culture , this would never happen ???? indigenous cultures do ceremony for weeks when someone dies ... and its definetly a time when everyone comes together >>> I guess i see this contrats as well and it makes it even harder >>>> hmmm>>> let me know how you all are ,

big ;love xxx

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Tara, good to hear from you. I had to chuckle when you were telling the story of your friends being detached when looking at the pictures. I have a little photo book that was taken on last Mothers Day about 6 weeks before mom died, same thing...disinterest. I am on another emotional roller coaster right now too, pissed off royally at how people don't give a ****. Sometimes I can be such an as----- that I hate myself. I think I am really angry at myself. My entire family, other than my kids just never call to see if I am alive or dead, sad or glad they just go on there merry freekin' way. You are more forgiving than me because you know what? when it is there turn....I won't be there and when they get upset with me...I am pretty outspoken, I will just say...hey..life's a bitch and then you die. I may even say let me give you a quarter and call someone who cares. The people that have been here for me, my neighbors, old time friends, you guys will always have my support..the other selfish self centered people can kiss my ass!

[clittlelady]

Hi Guys.... Haven't been feeling well lately, physically,like I have a bug. Major shake up at job Friday, close to striking, entirely to much drama and stress. Last thing I need.

For all these people who are clueless and tactless, such as one of my co-workers who calls herself a christian... bah humbug! She never once called while my mother was ill or came to the hospital. She never acknowledged Mohter's death at all, either by card or visitiation. Four out of nine judges attended and the Court Administrator. But one court reporter that I work closely with has never said the first one of it either way. I have one co-worker who really surprised me and came to the hopsital to see my mother while she was in a coma. Susan stayed with me and cried sincere tears. It was truly a sacrifice for her, for she had just lost her mother and father within a year apart,, just with the last two years. I never knew how tormented she was and empty. She is such a quite person and keeps everything to herself. I've since apologized to her and told her, we weren't there for her, and we should have been. Oh sure, several of us attended the funerals, but that wasn't enough. I've also set the our members of our office straight to that fact, that we weren't there and she is still in deep depression over this, as am I and that it makes us different people, dealing with each day in a uncertain way, distant from the rest of the world. I had been back to work not even two weeks and one co-worker told me "You just got to get over it." It stung me, I just replied, well I sure in time, lots of time. She has an elderly mother, so does a couple of others in the office. Their days are soon to see what this is.

Today hit me in a big way with Mother again, crying spell, she really is gone. Every flower I plant from here on out, I can never share it with her. It's left to my memories alone. I wish things had been different with my brothers and I, wish they had done things the right way for her. Wish I didn't feel like I can't even send a christmas card or make a phone call anymore to them. They've made me feel like I've never belonged, after all these years, now I'm the half sister!. I wonder what my Mother would think about that now.

I well never understand why my Mother left me in this position to be stepped on and used. I saw a little old lady in the supermarket and had to turn around and choke up tears. She was all bent over like my Mother, hair the same color, had to be about the same age. Panic went through me, My Mom is gone. Sometimes I can be eating a special dish and then it will hit me and I'll nearly choke, how she loved this, how many times I picked it up and took it to her, how she enjoyed it.

Just on a low limb tonight. When I read other forums, sometimes I feel I have nothing to cry for. Our terminally ill friends who are themselves or are dealing with their relatives as such. God my heart goes out to you all. I pray for peace and strenght.

Good night for now....Blessings to you all...We believe.... We Hang in there...

[deewithgreeneyes]

clittlelady, sorry to hear about more stress being dumped on you, sometimes it seems like it never stops doesn't it? I understand your feelings about planting flowers and never being able to share it again, or special food and how they loved it. You know...for me I can't find joy in anything anymore that we shared together. Can't go to the harbor anymore, to depressing. Today I have been sick as well. I wish there was a way we could share pictures of our mom's with each other.....I am like you feeling really scattered and not focused. I am edgy and this being alone is about to drive me crazy. My mom was adopted. She came from a family of 13 children. Her parents came from Czechoslavakia when my mom was an infant. Shortly after arriving in the US my grandfather was killed my a drunk driver on the Cleveland Bridge. My grandmother spoke little to no English and worked in a factory. She put all the children except for the 2 eldest in foster homes because she couldn't provide for all of them. Eventually my mom and a brother were adopted by the foster parents. My mom was extremely loyal the the adoptive family over the years, I never knew them or was close to them. When mom passed I never heard from 1 stinking one of them. No card, no flowers, never came to the funeral NOTHING. It will be a COLD day in hell they ever hear from me. I am very bitter towards family members who went AWOL during this time. When mom was sick the only ones who showed up for the party was my daughter, my son and my dearest friend (the mormon) I yelled at about being a holy roller during my insanity time. I mean it you guys, as for me I may be making things worse on the alienating scene but I have absolutely no use for many people I thought were my friends. I guess that is why I am sitting alone tonight. I don't need there phony baloney bullshit in my life. I want honest sincere compassionate people only. Has the holidays brought out anger in anyone else? I am really angry now. These roller coaster rides are unbelievable....I'm thinking of all of you "sisters" in loss. We will all be alright eventually, never the same as when we had mom's but alright. Think about it...we heard our mom's voices from the time we were infants...now the silence is to much to bear for us. The silence that came so suddenly after years of knowing that voice of our moms. Their last breath took a very precious breath of life from us as well in a strange way. We are all having a hard time breathing....

[tara12]

awww , I LOVE YOU GUYS, YES WE ARE IN THIS TOGTHER AND WE SHARE THIS PAIN AND THE REALISATIONS OF WHO IS REAL AND WHO IS FAKE , OR i GUESS , JUST UNABLE YET TO KNOW CAUSE THEY AINT THERE YET, AND THANKGOD , I GUESS , CAUSE WHEN THEY ARE , WOW , THEY WILL THINK BACK TO THERE LACK AND COLDNESS AND WONDER ... YOU KNOW.... NOT THAT THIS HELPS , IT IS HARD AND LONELY TO REALISE ... BUT IT IS COMMON EXPERIENCE , ITS NOT US , ITS HAPPENED TO EVERYONE I talk to who have lost a parent of someone really close , the elephant in the room , indeed.....

i spoke to a good freind on the phone , she has been dealin with cancer for 2 years , she sadi the same things , that people she thought were old dear friends , feel away or just acted like nothing was happening , how hurt she had felt , ect.... so its the whole death thing , most people can not face it , see it hear it , be with it .... well , we have to , so we are changed , it is true , and its ahuge thing a huge lesson and in the end sad as it is to lose our mums , we are richer for it and deeper. and now we will look for deeper freinds .. and expect less ,,, i think... and yes , for me , i am fine with letting people go , who havent and dont and wont ever see me or care about me , its ok , in a way i feel sorry for them , they miss out... we gain... actually.. weird i know, but true , i gained you here as real freinds who care and i gain new insights and I gain the gift of knowing a great secret about life , that i thought im knew , but now think i grasp the understanding of more .. which is this life , the heart , only the heart is whats important and real , be kind , do no harm... live well.... cause its short in the end ... and once its gone its gone .... not a dress rehearsal ........

anyway , be angry and wild , me too , we cna be however we want , who cares , we can claim all of oursleves , bugger the others , .... andyway , i am here for you , truly..... and thnaks for being here for me , its worth more than all those sad people locked in fear and selfishness , really , they are suffering .... they just dont know it yet.

x

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Tara, good to hear from you....they are suffering, they just don't know it yet, I love that....really profound statement. When you get a chance tell me about your culture, I would love to hear about it...customs etc. " To honor and respect means to think of the land and the water and plants and animals who live here as having a right equal to our own to be here. We are not the supreme and all-knowing beings, living at the top of the pinnacle of evolution, but in fact we are members of the sacred hoop of life, along with the trees and rocks, the coyotes and the eagles and fish and toads, that each fulfills its purpose here. They each perform their given task everyday in the sacred hoop, and we have one, too. Wolf Song, Abenaki Indian. Have a great day everyone!

[tara12]

Hello DEE ,

thanks for the saYING FORM WOLF SONG ... yes indeed , we think the same , to us the land is our ancestors blood and bones and spirit of the dreaming , the job of us humans is to caretake these things and our stories tell us how and why ... life is a ceremony , but all this is lost ot many of us , the esssence is there , but unless you grew up in a very remote part of this country with elders , and even then colonisation has reached its long tentacles to disrupt the life , with the arrogance that goes with it that assumes even in 2005 , that they know best ( they being the current round of polititans or policy makers and even well meaning educated social justice types ) ... but still we reclaim these things as best we can and for those who can listen and feel the earth , the sky , the animals , indeed all of life around us still can teach us her/ their / his / lessons... we are not here forever , we know this ... and we are not supreme in the circle of life , we have a task , this task is to help and caretake and to leave this place better if we can , and to leave soft footprints that in time wash away in the sand ... becoming one with the ochre we pain oursleves with in ceremony ...

hmmm.. yes , we could share much . i am a bundjalung and mununjali woman on my birth mothers side ,my mum who died , who was my MUM as she raised me and it was her heart and hand and woice that shaped me , was my adopted mum... i met my birth mum 15 years ago, we are not so close , but I love her regardless as youdo as she gave me this life breath....

I may be coming to the states in jluy 2006 for a year for my research ... where are you ? who knows maybe we will meet ? wouldn't that be incredible....

I will be in new mexico , san fran , boulder , then south dakota at pine ridge...

anyway , more soon hey ...\\

this morning I woke , really in a deep place again , my mum since yesterday feels with me again in that way where tears fall and memeory is strong... i feel her hand slip from mine , i see her , i want to hold her and stroke her and cuddle her close , in a way i never really did in life , now in her death I do it aLL THE TIME... she is everywhere in me... I know its important we honor these things , no matter others are not necessarily there , who we need will come to us ... and angels are with us , spirits and ancestors ... it is a time to cocoon ourslevs in our private grief .. and look and listen deeply , we are receiving teachings in this spirit world that our mothers have opened the door in death... this is their gift even now... am i making sense , this is my thoughts this day ....

be well .. all our relations.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Tara, that would be awesome. 2006 I will be here. What type of research? New Mexico? Pine Ridge? My ex husbands family was from around Pine Ridge, Sioux Indian. I myself will be moving to either Oregon, New Mexico or Northern California. It depends on what happens after my seminar in January. I will be attending a veterinary medicine clinic/seminar on wolves. I want to go into research, protection etc. of our wolves. We are beginning to re-introduce them into the wild. They seem to be doing well except in New Mexico. This is the Texas Red Wolf they are reintroducing and the ranchers are killing them. Little does the public know that wolves only take 1% of livestock and at that rancers are repaid their livestock for the loss through various governement programs. At this time I am working with 5 packs of wolves here in California but hopefully they will be moving to New Mexico vary shortly and will have access to many acres on Apache land. When I look into a wolf's eye, and I hear their howl I am so close to my spirit world it is almost scary. Just to sit in their space....feel their touch...here them> I pray that when it is my time to leave on my journey I will have the wolves accompany me to the other side. I have several prospective jobs lined up in this research. Just one day at a time....I kind of lost it today. Went Christmas shopping, when I left I was in the mood. I glanced over to the car next to me and saw a little old lady driving. Looked like my mom. From there it went to hell in a handbasket. I went to the store, found my gifts for my kids and grandkids. Started crying, got really depressed, said forget this and walked out of the store without anything. Came home turned on Lifetime Movies and here I am. God I hate this unstability. It is NOT ME and I can't seem to stay on stable ground with my emotions. I want to pack my animals up, lock this place up and just leave. I saw my next door neighbor today, he just lost his 26 year old son 7 weeks ago. Poor man...walking...walking...walking, almost insanely, flushed red face and has heart trouble. He goes to his son's resting spot everyday. I wish I could understand why we all must have this pain in life. When I worked pediatric oncology I asked myself the same question day after day. How to these small infants, young children have cancer so shortly after birth. Why do they suffer so shortly after birth? this question has driven me crazy for many years. I have asked one religious m9nister after another and never get an answer that makes sense to me. ....

[clittlelady]

Hi Everybody. I'm back. Feeling better. Deewithgreeneyes, I lived in Southern Colorado for five years and had a friend who had wolves as his live in friends. He never considered himself to own them, as that is simply against nature, but loved them dearly. The first time I met them, I didn't know he had them. It was a surprise introduction. He had no idea how, at that time, I was afraid of large dogs. They came around to meet me and were very neighborly. I initially froze, but uponn realizing what magnificent creatures they were and what a privilege it was to meet them, I had to loosen up and enjoy their presence. My husband is from Northern New Mexico, he is Apache Indian and Spanish. We haven't been back to visit his family in a few years, but are planning a trip this summer. We use to make two trips a year, but unfortunately, the last four trips we've made, were for a funeral as he has lost two sisters and two brothers.

I was going through some old calendars that were Mothers. Don't know how I ended up with them, but they were in one of my closets. I sat there in the floor and began to read all of her little notes. She noted every bill that was paid, who called her that day, when she felt bad, her trips to the grocery store. She made little notes, "Money is short, but God always provides" and "God is a Miracle Worker". She had made notes about missing my Brother Glynn, who is deceased. She said I"ll see him again. So through my tears, I had to smile, maybe she is with him now. Maybe they are in the middle of a grand family reunion. My husband doesn't really understand my still missing her. He tells me, she's not suffering anymore, she was miserable, she's in a better place. All these things I know, but I'm just not wired that way. I'm so thankful you guys are here to listen and understand. I don't believe I will always grieve for her, but I do believe I will always miss her. Who is to say when we feel a peace to continue and lay the grief down? I know I'm a strong person, but these feelings are so heavy. I hope my angels are on the job, I need them today.

Take care... Until Later.... Connie

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Connie, funny how we all have something in common isn't it? As my ex-husband believed, there is no such thing as coincidence. It would be great if we could meet in New Mexico, all of us some time since we all seem to have a connection there. I think I mentioned my ex (we are stil on good terms) is Sioux didn't I? His mom is full blood Sioux and his dad is French Canadian. I have definetely made up my mind that I am selling the house and moving to the Hill Country of Texas. My ex and I lived there and I loved it, felt like home. I cried and cried when we left, now I want to go back "home". I was not born in Texas but fell in love with the Hill Country and need to return. Hopefully I will be able to land a job researching. I find mom's little notes around too, she kept track of every little detail of money, trips, daily things. GOD LOVE HER. I have to be honest and say I don't know if we will ever get over the grief, I think learn to cope with it is probaably more realistic. I know mom would want me back "home" she always wanted to return back to the Hill Country with me. We were making plans to go back and find a place before she got sick. I am scared going it alone but all this has taught me something. We may not have tomorrow. My kids are supportive of it, they love the Hill Country as well and all of their careers will probably be moving them out of this area as they get older. I can't follow them all over for the rest of my life. I have been fighting not contacting the ex boyfriend (lonely) and have not. Nor has he contacted me. He wanted me to move in with him as he said it would be better economically for both of us at this time, I could sell this house and move in with him and split his bills? Obviously something didn't set right with me..I told him thanks, but no thanks, I was going back to where I belong, the life style I am used to, have a place of my own.We lived together for awhile and everytime he would get in his dark moods it was me that had to leave...with no place to go.

[septemberspain]

How is everyone doing today??? Things are things nothing great today. I am thinking so hard about taking a mini vacation,along with my 2 sisters and my daughter. I'm looking for some relaxation, I haven't decided where my mom's 4 girls are headed too, I just know we need some time together (My mom actually told us before she died that after all was said and done she wanted us 4 to go away and bond).

I heard a saying concerning pennies I'm not sure of it but I had to laugh today, I went into my mom's closet this morning thought I would use this day to start packing up her bedroom and in the bottom of her closet were pennies I mean some were wrapped some loose it looked like my mom knocked over a armor truck and made off with the pennies hee hee I swear it must be at least a couple of hundred of dollars, I had to laugh because it was just soooo many and now I guess I get to find a bank or coin star machine. Connie my mom was like your mom too, wrote everything down and when she and my dad separated/divorced she started saving reciepts and every bill she paid , I always find something that she made notes on or letters she was writing and I know that when I go into the bedroom she converted to her little world filled with sewing and hobbies and school work (she was a teacher) I will be overwhelmed with her presence (if she doesn't kick me out of there first for touching her things)lol. But anyway I just wanted to check in to see how everyone is doing. I will be back later hopefully saying I finished something/anything LOL!

[deewithgreeneyes]

Septemberspain...I am home today too, watching Lifetime Movie Network and talking to myself. I think it is great that you guys take off together for a mini vacation, you have earned it and it is a nice change. As I say "get out of Dodge" for awhile, see new things get away from it all. Go for it. I am leaving for a roadtrip myself right after Christmas with my friend Jill. She is recently divorced, we have been friends since Jr. High school. She was with me and mom all through the thick of it. She is going with me to check out Texas, may consider living there as well. In out younger days we would have been like Thelma and Louise ha!ha! but we have settled down. Mom would be laughing right now, she always called Jill and I Thelma and Louise. I can't wait to get away from here and get a change of scenery. Will talk to you later...hope you have a good day...

O Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds, and whose breath gives to all the world, hear me!

Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset. Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice.

Let me learn lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy-MYSELF.

Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes.

So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame. Native American

[clittlelady]

Hi to all. Hope this day finds you all on an up note and hopefully something good will come to each of you today. We're all alive and have a chance today, a chance for whatever we've dreamed of, worked for, believed in. We don't know how many of these days we have left here, but today, Today we're here.

I'm having a better day today. Lawyer's assistant called me yesterday and the letter is in the mail to my brother, demanding payment to me within ten days, as reimbursement for Mom's funeral. I can't say why this makes me feel better, but it does.

Sun is shining beautifully today. Today I feel her love. Haven't felt that in a long time. I wear her ring that has a birthstone for each of her children in it. It brings me comfort.

I'm pressed at work today, can't visit long, but would like to share a poem with you all later that I wrote before her death.

God Bless.... Til later...

[lostwithoutu]

I just found out today that the woman who hit and killed my Mum was on a drug run and most likely high. I am sick to my stomach and the anger is just building. I can feel it. My Mum was all for helping those facing barriers-for example drug addiction- I don't even know where to go from here. For some reason this makes the whole situation worse. Both women in the SUV that hit my Mum survived, even though from what I hear they are in pretty bad shape. How dare they? To make matters worse, the driver of the SUV has a brother who hit and killed a pastor a couple of years ago. He was high on heroin as well. Where do these monsters come from. I'd love to obtain any kind of contact information for their parents. I hope they enjoy their children because they are alive.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Lostwithoutu..I read your post and I am speechless for an answer, I only can understand your anger and the feeling of rage and injustice. I don't know what to say other than this....people with addiction problems are living in their own hell everyday. Their behavior and irresponsibility towards others and other peoples lives is a daily part of their addiction. I am not making excuses, as I am bitter myself over someone I know on a personal level that is an alcoholic. He has ruined the lives of many people in his life, their economic and emotional serenity. Right now, if they are still using and abusing this will have little or no impact on them. If and when they sober up it will. Then their hell will begin....pray for their sobriety if you want revenge. Your mother would tell you this..I know she would if she was working in the area of addiciton. They come from self centeredness, self pity, selfishness and think about NO ONE but themselves and their addiction. What do I think would help? Get a hold of MADD (mothers against drunk driving) they are everywhere. Look it up on the computer. Tell them your story...work to FIGHT to get these people off the roads, stiffer penalties...work towards this in your mom's memory. Don't let her death from this go unheard...use your anger in a positive way....become a advocate...a victims advocate in courts whatever you strongly believe in.