Loss of a Mother

[stellaanne]

Dee,

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm bragging but I honestly dream of my Mom at least twice a week, often times more than that. I am so happy that this happens as it makes the following day so much easier to bear because I feel that I was just with her.

My Mom had pancreatic cancer...it's a cancer that is relatively uncommon but about 97% of people who get it die within the first year...with most living less than 6 months. It's a difficult cancer to find and has few symtoms until it's too late...but i guess being a nurse you know this...

As sick as this sounds I am almost glad she had something that I couldn't possibly do anything about because if there was something I could have done to save her...but she ends up passing away anyway that would kill me...do you know what I mean???...for instance, if she had breast cancer, and we just didn't catch it in time...i'd be kicking myself for the rest of my years..(i made sure she got all her yearly exams etc.)

I still go to the cemetary most days and change the flowers there, decorate with pictures of her around the house or talk about things that remind me of her....these are things that I do to help me feel like I am still taking care of her...all I want is do something to take care of her again.

I understand your feeling of how beautiful your mother was even until the end..I feel the same exact way about my Mom...

I remember when I was young, my best friend and I would laugh about when adults go to viewings and say that the deceased person "looked good"...i'm eating those words now because I took such great pride when people said that about my Mom and we knew they meant it...when someone has a disease such as cancer which tears you down to nothing...looking good at the end is a great compliment to the care giver. I wish i could have done more but it's nice to know I was able to at least comfort, show love and feed her to an extent that showed at the end.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Stellaanne...thank you for your reply. I am having a pretty rough day today, feeling awfully lonely and depressed. My mom was always there to talk to about relationship problems and always seemed to make me feel better, I miss her wisdom. My mom had cancer of the bladder, another insideous type of cancer without any symptoms per say until it is to late. A pretty rough way to go, the doctor had already told us it was a pretty rough kind of cancer. She never complained. I feel bad because I know when she was slipping she was concerned about me and my heart condition and the rocky rocky relationship I am in. Looks like the relationship is over now (another loss). I loved him very much but couldn't or seem to work out some differences although I tried my darndest. I was hoping it wouldn't end right now because since March my life has taken a 180 degree turn about and I didn't want to be alone right now. My life was going pretty good until the month of March 2005. Mom was diagnosed, I had a heaart attack and heart surgery 3 days later. Mom died, my health changed, my ideas on life changed...I changed. I saw how shallow this relationship was...I wanted more and it all went to hell in a handbasket. Funny, you stay in a relationship so you are not alone, but if you look at the relationship as an outsider you see you are alone anyway. My mom and dad were married for 36 years and loved each other very much. My dad died when he was 50 from a heart attack and my mom was alone from then on. Said she had the best and would never find another love like she had with my dad. I always wanted that but never seemed to be able to find it. One jerk after another. I prayed today that mom would hear me and guide me in some decisions I need to make. I think it is wonderful your mom visits with you...she visits in your dreams..it is beautiful....

[septemberspain]

I would give anything to have a dream about my mom. It will be 2 months on the fifth and I don't know if my mind is still not allowing this to happen I still haven't had the connection yet and sometimes I think because I moved 3 years ago and I only saw her every few months I know I miss her voice like crazy because I'm so use to talking to her a zillion times a day lol. I just had a funny memory flash.... My mother and I would talk on the phone all the time all day long regardless to where I was, I was her first born and there for the 1st to give her a grandchild the 1st to marry and move out I remember being on the phone talking to her and she told me to hold on (now this was back in the 80's no discount phone service then) and I know it was in the daytime so the rates were high as heck. Anyway I remember my dad coming home from work I heard his voice in the background and I'm on hold waiting patiently for my mom to return to our call, and my dad must have noticed the phone lying on the table so he picks up the phone and says hello? I'm all bubbly and I speak to my dad and he says Robbin, who are you holding on for cause everybody was outside and I was like yeah I know mommy told me she had to go to the store and told me to listen out for the kids now mind you I was in the midwest and they were on the eastcoast (Illinois/Phila) my father said WHAT???? I wasn't sure he heard me so I repeated myself and he starts to yell your mother went to the store and she left you on hold to listen out for the kids and it's 4pm do you have any idea how much you are paying for this phone call???? I said to him no dad you're wrong mommy called me and you are paying for this call. My ears still ring to this very day over the slam that he put the phone down with lol. I know that some of their biggest fights were over outrages phone bills but then again that's how my mom was with all of us that had moved out of state she didn't care whether you were on the other side of the world she had to talk to her children everyday. I miss that soooooo much!!!!! I wish too hear her voice to dream of her anything to help me through the rough times.

Dee I really know what you mean about talking to your mom about your relationship, I'm divorced and I would talk to my mom about my current love life and she would listen and always tell me that I could make it on my own to not tolerate this or that> Then after 43 years of marriage my mom & dad divorced and I went through that with her listening to her heartbreak over my dad. Then to have him remarry last year and for her to die this year is so hard. But then that's another story.

Stellane you made me feel good with your comment about people saying a person looked good after they passed said alot about the care they recieved during the final weeks of life. I was my mom's caregiver and from the nurses and doctors comments to having people tell us that our mom looked good after her death was the highest compliment we could have recieved really made my heart feel good. My mom's death was also one that should have never happened she had colon cancer and even though she went to doctor's to complain that something wasn't right they kept telling her it was hemmoroids I too did the yearly test with her to make sure she didn't have anything and then to find out what she had was colon cancer and that people survive this oooooohhhhhhh I'm sooo angry because I know I could have helped her overcome that!! (my mom's sister just caught her colon cancer in stage I) so I know that I could have kept her here with me for another hundred years. Instead I only got 2 1/2 months to prepare for this freaking life long pain that was plopped down in my lap, I wasn't even given a chance to help her get better only given the chance to watch her die.

I'm sorry I really didn't mean to rant but God this hurts so bad!

[deewithgreeneyes]

Septemberspain...it was nice to hear about looking good being a compliment for the caregiver. I wish I could put a picture of my mom on this site, she truly was beautiful. I know, the pain is just overwhelming. There are no words to descbribe it...just tears that flow uncontrollably...You are not ranting, life doesn't seem the same anymore without my mom. My mom was Czech, 4 foot 10 inches, hardly any gray hair and the most beautiful crystal blue eyes...always a twinkle. She hadn't been feeling well and went in for a check up. All blood work etc. came out OK and she got a bladder infection in Feb. 2005. It did not clear up with the antibiotics so theychanged to a different type and took a culture. She went into the doctor in March and he did a sigmoidoscopy...everything OK (she was having intermittent bowel problems). 2 weeks later they found a huge mass in the lower left quadrant and sent her in for a scan. There it was .......cancer. Had eaten through the bladder lining, into the colon and into the stomach lining. When the 3 surgeons came out to tell us, my daughter broke down crying, my cousin broke down crying and I got angry.....I kicked every piece of furniture around. I was very strong spiritually (or so I thought) at this time but I felt it go out the window. As a nurse I decided I was going to do the very best patient care I EVER DID IN 30 years.......I feel bad now, I was so into taking care of the clinical aspects...the bags, the nausea, the fever the everything I could not be there for her as just a daughter sitting with my mom. My family says I did a wonderful job but somehow I feel I failed. Maybe because she died....I don't know. I don't even remember the day she died...I remember the moment, but the rest of the day is a blur. My litle grandaughter came over last weekend and ran down the hall calling "GEE GEE" (my mom) and her (my daughter) dog ran down the hall into moms room looking for her. He used to sleep under her bed. I went out and bought a Gardenia tree last week and had everyone decorate it with a special thing they like that reminded them of mom. It is on the patio now. Mom had a lilac tree she planted when dad died and it never flourished. 1 month before she was diagnosed it began to bloom the most beautiful flowers. She looked out the window and said "Dee, look at the tree..it is blooming the most beautiful flowers...odd....." It is now starting to wither again...no blooms. I hate the nights and dread the darkness and quiet.

[stellaanne]

Dee,

I can relate to your relationship problems and the need for your Mom at this time. I can also share that up until this past March I thought that the year 2004 was the worst year I had lived through so far...I was involved with a man who said he would "slit my throat" on one occasion and on another occasion said, "if i shoot you, i have to shoot to kill you"...then pointed to my head and then chest,...he said "i can't just shoot and injure you"

I got pregnant by this man, got sick, was put on bed rest, left my job because he was stalking me, then lost the baby....

Now, I think back on all that and know it's bad....but I feel like, "eh, who cares about that"....it's like it happened to someone else...

It means nothing to me now.

Losing my Mom is by far the biggest, deepest hurt and loss I have ever been through...I have never had a depression, or heartbreak that can even be in the same category as what I have gone through since March...

I hope that this experience has made you realize (and it sounds like it has) what is important... I know that I have let go of some things, situations and people lately...and not out of depression but out of having different needs right now. Sometimes I feel like I have outgrown certain relationships.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Stellaanne...oh my gosh you and I are almost on the same exact path. Thank you. I to was involved with an abusive man in every way possible, that is why I broke it off with him before mom died. After she died I picked right up with him again. Tonight I had it with him and his stuff. Don't want to put on the screen what he was about but it was about degrading women. I told him I quit smoking cigarettes after 30 years of smoking because it was bad for my health. I quit cold turkey and have not smoked since April 1 2005. He was amazed I was so strong as to not smoke. Well, I told him tonight I was quitting him like I quit smoking....and I mean it. He's bad for me mentally, physically and spiritually. Like you said it ain't no big deal in comparison to the grief we feel now, all of us on this web site feel it. We lost someone we loved through no choice of our own...losing him is MY CHOICE. I definetely have different needs now and I have had to let people go in my life. I feel like I am a totally different person. You know something? I realized also after arguing for 2 days with this guy that I am very angry now at people who are shallow....selfish self centered people who think the world revolves around them and their needs. To him sex is the thing that makes everything turn...he could not understand that I did not feel like being sexual on a daily basis, that I wanted to be held and supported..loved. Not only did I not feel like it because of sadness but physically as well after my heart attack. Twice or 3 times a week was all I could muster.....to him that was quote "unacceptable" for a relationship with him. See ya later dude!

[stellaanne]

Dee,

Please...don't let me go there with selfish, self-centered people in the world thing....I'll be here all night on that one.

I believe when you have loved and lost (meaning our beloved departed) your eyes open to a entirely different focus. It's different here....and unless someone has gone through this they don't get it.

However, if someone truly loves you, they would figure out a way to work with you, support you through rough days etc. I'm sure I don't need to tell you this. If the relationship is bringing you turmoil at this time, drop it. Don't go back again because if you do you will just be doing it out of escape. Sometimes turmoil is a mask for what you are feeling deep down but don't want to deal with. I have had many headaches over my family since my Mom passed (speaking of selfish, self-centered people)....I found the days I was angry with them, I didn't feel the grief as much...the anger became a kind of sheild from that deeper pain....but honestly, as bad as the grief hurts, I'd much rather feel it than anger over stupid people...

As you said, let it go...you're better off alone...

[deewithgreeneyes]

Stellaanne....hope you had a nice week-end. Mine was pretty quiet, I am going to start going to a support group in my area for people that have lost their parents, in fact I am calling to sign up after this E mail. For the past 3 or 4 days seems I have just been overwhelmed with emotion, can't stop the tears from just rolling down my face. I read in this forum a woman saying when she cries for her mom it is a different cry...almost primitive. How right she is huh? I am so into wildlife i compare much of our lives with wildlife. Those of us that are sharing our feelings on the loss of our mom's are almost like the wolf puppy who cries the most mournful howl when their parent is killed. Once you hear it you will never forget it. Wolves have a real mourning period they go through when a pack member dies...very sad, almost like the elephant. I am very concerned about my son, maybe just extremely paranoid about cancer right now but my daughter told me my son has had a lump in his testicle for several months now, he shared that with her as she has been going in for conizations etc. for dysplastic cells due to an abnormal pap. I immediately called him yesterday and pleaded with him to see a doctor. He promised me he would make an appointment today. I am waiting for his call, I am literally sick to my stomach with worry. Sometimes it is not a good thing to be a nurse.....

[lcarolb1]

Stellaanne and Swede1

Wow, has it really been 6 weeks since my first post, with the hurricane my house has been full of people, I go outside to cry, we lost a third of the house to Rita.

My mom's birthday is this saturday, 11/05, she did not want a service and my father is not ready to scatter her ashes, I can't bare the thought of her life being represented by a piece of paper (death certificate), I have been racking my brain to figure out something to do for her (me).

I am going down into the river bottems where she wanted her ashes scattered and put a hand made plaque, that I burned with the new Kenny Chesney release, it so speaks of me these days when I miss her, and wooden bench, just something to show she was there. But I am very distrubed that people are not "lined" up to go with me? I know everyone grieves differently, but I expected someone to say, "can I go".

Its been 3 months and I don't feel any better, I still feel so very alone, I can't even speak of her without hurting, I want her back so badly I can't even explain it, I have never believed in speaking with the dead after they have passed on, but I have been thinking of it lately, am I crazy? Maybe if I could just talk to her or feel her presence wrapped around me..........

[deewithgreeneyes]

I don't think you are crazy, my daughter was just saying the same thing this morning. We are all desperate to make some type of contact with our loved ones. I know I am. I have ben doing the same thing asking for some type of contact. The feeling of being alone is overwhelming, isn't it? We are all going to have support each other through the holiday season coming up. I cannot even bear to think of them without mom being there with her love and laughter. Oh my God the grief is horrible. I lost my dad and certainly I was a sad and depressed but something is different about losing a mom...can't explain it. I lost my fiancee some years back from an autombile accident, I never have really gotten over that but again this is so different. I went out and bought a magnolia tree for my mom, she loved magnolias and loved the South. My mom is with my dad in a joint vault, I cannot go there to visit yet. What do all of us "orphans" do now that we are all grown up?

[deewithgreeneyes]

A BUTTERLIES LESSON

ONE DAY A SMALL OPENING APPEARED IN A COCOON. A MAN SAT AND WATCHED A BUTTERFLY FOR SEVERAL WEEKS AS IT STRUGGLED TO FREE IT'S BODY FROM THAT LITTLE HOLE. THE BUTTERFLY SEEMED TO STOP MAKING PROGRESS AND IT APPEARED AS IF IT HAD GOTTEN AS FAR AS IT COULD AND COULD NOT GO ANY FURTHER. THE MAN DECIDED TO HELP THE BUTTERFLY SO HE TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND VERY CAREFULLY OPENED THE COCCON. THE BUTTERFLY EMERGED EARLY BUT TO THE MANS HORROR IT HAD A WITHERED BODY AND SHRIVELED WINGS. THE MAN CONTINUED TO WATCH EXPECTING THAT AT ANY MOMENT THE BUTTERFLY WOULD OPEN HIS BEAUTIFUL WINGS AND EXPAND THEM IN ORDER TO SUPPORT HIS BODY AND BECOME FIRM AND BE FREE TO FLY AWAY. NEITHER HAPPENED. IN FACT THE BUTTERFLY SPENT THE REST OF IT'S LIFE CRAWLING AROUND WITH IT'S WITHERED BODY AND SHRIVELED WINGS. IT NEVER WAS ABLE TO FLY.

WHAT THE MAN AND HIS KINDNESS AND GOODWILL DID NOT UNDERSTAND WAS THAT THE RESTRICTING COCCON AND THE STRUGGLE REQUIRED FOR THE BUTTERFLY TO GET THROUGH THAT TINY OPENING WERE NATURES WAY OF FORCING FLUID FROM THE BUTTERFLIES BODY INTO IT'S WINGS SO THAT IT WOULD BE READY FOR IT'S FLIGHT ONCE IT ACHIEVED IT'S FREEDOM FROM THE COCOON.

SOMETIMES STRUGGLES ARE EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED IN LIFE.IF GOD ALLOWED US TO GO THROUGH OUR LIVES WITHOUT ANY OBSTACLES IT WOULD CRIPPLE US. WE WOULD NOT BE AS STRONG AND WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FLY SOMEDAY.

I ASKED FOR STRENGTH WHEN MY MOM WAS DYING...AND GOD GAVE ME DIFFICULTIES TO MAKE ME STRONG. I ASKED FOR WISDOM AND GOD GAVE ME PROBLEMS TO SOLVE DURING MOMS ORDEAL. I ASKED FOR COURAGE AND GOD GAVE ME MORE OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME. I ASKED FOR LOVE AND GOD GAVE ME TROUBLED PEOPLE AND ANIMALS TO HELP. I ASKED FOR FAVORS AND GOD GAVE ME OPPORTUNITIES. I RECEIVED NOTHING I WANTED...BUT RECEIVED EVERYTHING I NEEDED. NOW I HOPE I CAN CONTINUE TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT FEAR, CONFRONT ALL OBSTACLES AND KNOW THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THEM. TO ALL OF OUT THERE WE NEED TO BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL GIVE US WHAT WE NEED. GOODNIGHT TO EVERYONE

[clittlelady]

Deewithgreeneyes:

Thank you for sharing that. I've always been told, don't pray for patience unless your willing to be tested. I've been tested like never before in the loss of my Mother, as I know many others here are feeling this same test. I feel my wisdom has become clouded, my compassion and love has dulled. I don't feel like me anymore. I was her only daughter, the youngest of five children. My birthday is in a few weeks and I don't know how to feel. The first one without her. The first one without her waking me up at six in the morning by phone, singing a shakey "Happy Birthday" to me, making sure she would be the first to do that. She's only been gone two months, but it seems so much longer. I have a lot of family videotapes that I've been tempted to pull out and watch, but don't think I can. I believe there is a reason for everything, however, I don't believe it's all for my understanding. I believe God has carried me through these last several months, just as the "Footprints In The Sand". I know life must go on and we're all part of a cycle. I try to find strength in the fact that just as in child birth, pain is part of it, but what a miracle comes forth, what beauty. I knew her. I loved her. She loved me. I keep telling myself, My grandmother lost her mother at a young age, my grandfather lost both his parents as a young teen and was left to make it on his own. Surely if they were strong enough to carry on, they must be my example. I was blessed to have my mother for 86 years. I guess I would have never been ready to say goodbye.

There is that bond between a mother and daughter that I don't think can ever be defined. Whether stormy or calm love, close or at a distance. Whether natural birth mother or adoptive. I know not everyone has a good relationship with their Mother, God knows my Mother and I had our stormy days and there are some things about her that I will never understand, but bottom line, she loved me the best she knew how and I loved her for it. Nothing will ever fill the emptiness she's left behind.

Posting here and knowing you're not alone does help.

Thanks again for sharing...

[swede1]

Here's another good story, for those of you wishing for ADC's.

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise," they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he broke through the surface of the water and fell onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings... The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air...

STICKNEY, D. (1997). Water Bugs and Dragonflies. Explaining Death To Young Children. The Pilgrim Press.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Clittlelady...thank you for sharing. I am so glad that I found this site. It helps to know that what we are feeling is normal....it helps to know that Mothers are loved so much. You are right, certainly my mom and I did not see eye to eye and there were things also that she did I could not understand and yes I would get ANGRY...but she loved me unconditionally, as I do my children. She was the only one who loved me with no conditions. Like you, my mom would call me every morning on my birthday..the first and in her little shaky voice would sing happy birthday. I was an only child I feel so lost. I feel the same way you do...not thinking clearly, almost like all my feelings (except grief) have gone to sleep. I think from now on my birthday will be all wrong...my birthday is just 2 days before my mom had her cancer surgery. On my birthday her and I went up to the wolf center and spent the day. She loved them like I do (they seemed to trust her as well). She was so gentle and giving. Her next door neighbor who used to be (in his younger days) quite a rough living person adored her. He came over every day to sit with her and have a cigarette. She quit for 2 weeks but when she found out it was terminal in such a short time...she started up again. It was OK with me, she could have had anything she wanted from me at the end..Anyway, when she slipped into a coma he came over and was siting next to her bed holding her hand. When he got up to leave he fell against the wall and very much in a primeval cry said "what am I going to do without my best friend?" Like I said, he's an old hood that got his life together, my mom was everything that represented good to him as he had a rough life. Sadly, last month his young son of 20 something died of an aneurysm. He is devestated and I check on him every day. I am worried about him as he truly looks broken. I almost feel like my ability to do anything is diminished. I get nothing done that I am supposed to. When I attempt to take care of things it is to overwhelming, I get tired and I don't do it. I just want to scream WHY!why!why! and No!no!no! and this can't be happening!this can't be happening! most of all I need my mom! I need my mom!

[deewithgreeneyes]

Swede1..that is absolutely beautiful....that is the way I hope it is. I will think about this poem all day. Every night at sunset I sit on my porch and try to reason this loss out. This story is beautiful and really touched me. The butterfly story was given to me by a young marine who is friends with my son. My son is a marine. I am going to share it with my next door neighbor if you don't mind. I would like to think also that this web site might be a meeting place for angels who hear our grief. I have been taught that in life there are no coincidences, no chance meetings, that all things cross paths for a reason. Our stories, our sharing, our feelings are all being heard and guided by forces unseen.

[lcarolb1]

All

Thank you all for thinking of me.....reading from you makes me not feel like such a freak....I cried all the way home from work yesterday, I heard a song that I had given my mom a copy of many years ago when it was released it was never really that mainstream but it was "A song for MaMa", by Boys II Men. It is really beautiful and is the first song on the "Soul Food" soundtrack.

You taught me everything,

And everything you've given me, I'll always keep it inside.

You're the driving force in my life, yeah.

There isn't anything or anyone that I can be,

And it just wouldn't feel right,

If I didn't have you by my side.

You were there for me to love and care for me,

When skies were grey.

Whenever I was down,

You were always there to comfort me.

And no one else can be what you have been to me,

You'll always be,

You will always be the girl in my life for all times.

CHORUS:

Mama, Mama you know I love you,

(Oh, you know I love you),

Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart.

Your love is like tears from the stars.

Mama, I just want you to know,

Lovin' you is like food to my soul.

You're always down for me,

Have always been around for me,

Even when I was bad.

You showed me right from my wrong,

(Yes you did).

And you took up for me,

When everyone was downin' me,

You always did understand,

You gave me strength to go on.

There was so many times,

Looking back when I was so afraid.

And then you come to me and say to me,

I can face anything.

And no one else can do,

What you have done for me.

You'll always be,

You will always be the girl in my life.

Never gonna go a day without you.

Fills me up just thinking about you.

I'll never go a day without my Mama.

Clittlelady

My mom too would call me on my birthday around 7am to wish me a happy birthday, I am glad my birthday is not until next June.

I dont really fell like my compassion or wisdom has failed me, it feels to have grown stronger, I feel the need to reach out, maybe trying to be as much like her as I can to keep her strong in her presence here.

The day she died I was with her, as kissed her and told her I would "see her later", which is what I have always told her, I left the room to give others a chance to say their goodbyes and several ask me if I wanted to go back in "one last time", and I told them no.......that is not my mother in there, she is here now all around us......then I threw up. When I stepped into the bathroom of the hospitol to wash my face, i looked up into the mirror and saw HER eyes in mine.....her eyes were always sky blue and mine are very drak grey blue, she was there, in me......but as time has passed I don't feel her like i did that day and that is why I feel so loney I think......I want my mama back SO bad....

I have always told people after the passing of a loved(and I got this from my mama). "Everything you do from the moment of a loved one's passing is for you, they have passed from this world and truly don't care what you do for them now", man....... it is really hard to swallow your own advice right?.

Clittlelady, do something that you and your mother would have enjoyed together on your birthday, she will be there, and make sure it makes you smile.

As I said in a previous post, I am going to the river bottems on my mom's birthday this saturday and I think I will take a fishing pole with me, she loved to fish.....we will share nature together. I know it will not bring her back to me, but maybe out there in the pure of nature I can be close.

My mom has told me a hundred times I would one day have to give her back to God, I told her each time I would never be ready, and truly in the bottom of my heart I am not.........but in my mind, just as with all of you, our mom's have given us what it takes to make it.....(Once again it is hard to swallow my own advice) you just have to look beyond the pain and beyond the grief......dig down really deep and pull out all the love, strength, and wisdom she gave you....its there its just hard to see thru all the fog....

You are all in my prayers.....

[charsmom2]

Deewithgreeneyes,

I just wanted to comment on what you wrote about the butterflies and what you had ask God for and received. That really made me think. Since my mom became ill, then passed on I have had so many obstacles to overcome between my job and dealing with several daycare issues and finding out I was pregnant (with a girl I found out!). I guess I never realized what all these things meant until I read what you had wrote. Thank you, thank you so much for giving me another great way to look at life and what God brings us despite what we ask for.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Charsmom2..thank you, you have made my day worth while, I am glad that I could help...congragulations to you...a wonderful thing to happen..a new life and with this new life ...joy.

[stellaanne]

Dee,

Hello, I haven't been online in a couple days....have been feeling sick/feverish...I take care of my Dad and he's been sick and is a very germy person in general...

How are your children?...please update me on any developments.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Stellaanne..I wondered where you were, glad everything is OK. So you take care of your dad too? Tell me about that and a little about yourself. My son had an appointment today but had to cancel it to pick up his boys at school so he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have to admit I am very edgy about this...cancer phobia maybe because of mom...anyway I am scared. My daughter is going to get another conization as they found dysplastic cells even further into the canal. I was a OB GYN nurse for quite awhile and this I know is nothing to be greatly concerned with. My son on the other hand is a totally different story. I have not been able to sleep for several nights now, driving me crazy. My daughter called this afternoon to see if my spn called and she admitted she is concer phobic as well. Take care of yourself, your resistance is probably way down these days, emotional stress really lowers your immune system.

[englishruss]

cliff...ive just read your long message on page 2...email me buddy if you need to talk or via the forum....

keep goin dude...uve done so well till now :-)

hope everyone else new and old are able to breathe a little easier today....

russ...xx

[deewithgreeneyes]

Cliff, I read your message as well about your mom, you are not alone, I felt the same way, and I am a nurse. It was EXTREMELY traumatic for me so I can imagine how traumatic it is for someone who wasn't even seasoned (if you will) to sickness and death. I'm sorry you were traumatized. My daughter and I both were, I hope this helps. If you need to talk I am here.

[englishruss]

deewithgreeneyes:

im not sure if i too could ever have been ready to have gone thru wot i have either...i lost mum suddenly and very unexpectedly almost 2.5 yrs ago. ive even been advised by my GP to see a psychologist to combat the negative effects of what happened....i get frustrated with myself sometimes...cos generally im a happy energetic guy...but i just wasnt ready for what happened..

i have such a fear of my own death now that im almost paranoid and persistantly thinking about it....causing psychological and physical bodily effects. the dreadful trauma of losing mum makes me have have continuous flash backs to seein my mother "lying in rest" and to the day "it" happended....to the point where i feel almost sick with fear and anxiety....i hate it and not sure how to deal with it....i cant even say the "D" word... im embarrassed about it...but you cant know how it feels til youve gone thru it...which im sure youll understand...

anyway...thanks for lettin me vent... and thanks for doing such tough and worth while job, even tho ur there and im here...much respect to you!

russ....x

[deewithgreeneyes]

Englishruss..thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it. I understand exactly what you mean. I will share with you my feelings and the feelings of my daughter who went through this with me. I will go in "parts" with this story. With every part will be my feelings. O.K.? Part 1...I had noticedthat my mom had lost a substantial amount of weight in a few months and asked her about it. She had said that she just had no appetite. This alarmed me and I asked her to see a doctor. In February she had a bladder infection by March she still had it. The doctor had found a mass and she was sent in for a Ct scan on March 26....all this time I had a bad feeling. They found a mass and she went in for surgery. Diagnosis...transitional squamous cell cancer of the bladder. It had already eaten through the colon and abdominal lining. I couldn't believe it, nor could the doctors. I prepared my family for a long hard battle and told them it was not going to be like the movies. They thought I was overreacting but I know cancer of the bladder is a terrible way to go. Now, if this makes sense I deliberately put myself in a state of denial so I could deal with the clinical aspects of my mom's disease. The state of denial was that I was emotionally involved in this. I had to be there for my mom and my children, they were depending on me and my nursing experience to make this journey a gentle one for my mom. My heart was literally broken for mom, myself, and my family. On April 1, a few days after her surgery and she was still in the hospital recuperating I was at home and had a massive heart attack. I am not quite 50. I ended up having heart surgery in the same hospital my mom was in and was 1 floor above her recuperating myself. I did not want her to know what happened so when I couldn't get there on visiting hours the family, nurses and doctors told her I had the flu. Russ, I almost died myself but I KNEW I had to fight with everything I had because if my family lost me too it would be devestating to them and my mom. They moved mom to a nursing facility for a few days until I was released. I came home got mom and brought her home with me. I WAS TERRIFIED OF EVERYTHING...MY MOM's DEATH and MYSELF MAYBE CHECKING OUT AT ANY GIVEN TIME. I can't begin to explain my fear. I became preoccupied with death. My fear? mom was going to sufferwith this cancer and I could not stop it.....I don't want to die....and I could not stop it. Bottom line my fear was I had no control over anything. Make sense? End of part 1.

[stellaanne]

Dee,

I may go off the track a little here after reading posts from yourself and Russ...But yes...my system feels very weak right now....I would say that I am about as likely to get sick of a life threatening disease as someone twice my age. I feel that my time on this planet will be short so to Russ who had expressed a similiar sentiment, I can relate.

I think it's a common feeling amoung people who have lost someone who was very close...you just start thinking that anything can happen to anyone at anytime.

I know that your grief isn't helping your situation with your children's health problems Dee...but keep the faith they have age on their side...

I am 40 and feel that I am old however...I guess I have a future ahead of me but it looks rather empty and uncertain...one day at a time is all I can muster...I know a lot of what I am going through is a matter of time passing but it's hard to see that when you feel overwhelmed with grief.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Stellaanne...Good to hear from you, I agree completely. I think once we lose someone close to us we identify very close with them and therefore think it will happen to us as well. My cousin is a doctor and if it helps he told me he has many patients that come in thinking they have cancer after a loved one has died from cancer. It is a mass that my son has so he will be going in for a sonagram to check it out. I am up tonight kind of stressed out but doing my best to keep in under control. One day at a time for all of us and sometimes it may be one hour at a time but we all need to remember that nature teaches us many things. It is always certain that after a cold cloudy day or days the sun will shine again...when we don't know, but it will. It nevergoes on and on and on without relief. Life is like that ...nothing stays the same always changes, for the good and the bad. I would like to think that when the bad things happen somehow and someway a good thing will happen as well, we just have to look beyond the blinders of our grief and see it. Last weekend I saw 3 beautiful Golden Eagles soaring high in the sky, they were absolutely gorgeous and I felt a real peace with myself and the universe. I believe that God, whatever we perceive him to be, speaks to us individually in the passions we have in life. He makes himself known in the way that people can see him individually. For some it may be art, or music, or volunteering, nature, etc. etc. the list goes on and on. When my neighbors son died last month there was a huge Falcon sitting in my tree and my neighbor and his wife saw it. He has never made himself known before. He continued to come everyday for a week...he is gone now and we have not seen him. This is how I find my peace.

[septemberspain]

Tomorrow marks 2 long months since my mom took her last breath and closed her eyes never to open them again. 2 months since I've heard her voice and saw her smile. Mommy, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!! I don't know why I can't move forward, I can't get to that place in my life where I'm not feeling the pain,

[lindasdaughter89]

septemberspain, I do understand your pain.

my mom had ALS and she passed away July 7th 2005. It's hard to believe that its almost been 5 months and it hurts to know that I was not there when she took her last breath. Oh how much I miss her... I miss her smile and her laugh... I mis sher eyes most of all, because those eyes could tell you the world.

A part of me wants to move on in my life and there is that part that hurts so very much to even think of such a thing. Yes I am 20 years old but... I will be going on with out my mom... I will be living with out her thoughts and her smile. It hurts so very much to even think of such thing... but I know... I know my mother would never want me to stop. She would want me to go on. She would want me to laugh and smile again.

Oh how I wish i could turn back time and take away all the pain I caused my mom when she was alive and I would help her more than ever so no one would ever doubt my love for her... but I can't... i can only live now... I can only show them now by making her proud when she's in heaven, and when I meet her in heaven i pray... I see those proud eyes again.

Know that your in my thoughts and prayers

Linda's daughter

Nikki

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi everyone...it is a good thing that we all can recognize each others pain and try to get each other through the day. No one knows until they walk down the same path what the journey is like. My mom closed her eyes and took her last breath 3 months a 1 week ago. I still can't believe she is gone. Yesterday I was on my tradmill, in her room, and I expected that at any moment she would walk through the door with her twinkling eyes and beautiful smile saying "Hi Dee, how was your day?" didn't happen. How do we get through the everyday pain?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi everyone...it is a good thing that we all can recognize each others pain and try to get each other through the day. No one knows until they walk down the same path what the journey is like. My mom closed her eyes and took her last breath 3 months a 1 week ago. I still can't believe she is gone. Yesterday I was on my tradmill, in her room, and I expected that at any moment she would walk through the door with her twinkling eyes and beautiful smile saying "Hi Dee, how was your day?" didn't happen. How do we get through the everyday pain?

[lindasdaughter89]

Deewithgreeneyes,

I know exactly what you mean. I expect to turn around when I'm in my room and she'll be wheeling herself in smiling... with her eyes wondering what her baby girl was up too. That pain that she'll never do that again is still great.

Pray... thats all I know to do... is pray.

Nikki

[deewithgreeneyes]

Lindasdaughter89 thanks...you hit it right on. Pray just pray.

[angle96]

I lost my mother...it will be 9 years on November 23rd. I was 14 when she passed. There are days where it hurts to breath and I feel like the pain of the loss will take complete control over me where I can no longer function. I have found praying works, writing a letter to her, and instead of taking day by day take it breath by breath.

[pennyhorse]

Two weeks and one day ago my mom died. She was 62, healthy, vibrant and loving. It's so real, and yet so damned hard to believe. I've gone through so many emotions - sometimes I feel cheated, other times I'm swallowed by complete despair. I thought moms were always supposed to be there...fact is I could never imagine my life without her. Or I never tried to imagine it at all. I'm grown up now, and I just realized how I still strived to make her proud of me. Gave me purpose and drive. In that way, I think she always saw me as her little boy. I hold dear the notion that she was my first valentine.

I have no idea how the holidays will be this year. She'd want us to celebrate like normal. It feels so abnormal. Especially when the pain sneaks up on me. God that hurts. Does the pain sneak up on everyone?

Thanks for "listening" to me.

[suelowe]

hi pennyhorse, i'm so sorry to hear you lost your mother. Stages/severity of greiving depend ont the individual, but the pain i think you're describing is the pain that sneaks up on anyone, at any given time.

it's been a year since my mum died, and that pain sneaks up on me from time to time, mostly when i least expect it to. and when i feel it, nothing can interrupt me, my body required me to sit down and take note of what's happening. until i take note, that feeling gets stronger and stronger until i shut up and stop what i'm doing. that's how it affects me anyway.

Please take care of yourself at this difficult time, comforts like photos of your mum can bring comfort when grief tears you apart. your mum is always watching over you. never forget that.

with love

sue

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Pennyhorse, I am so sorry for your loss. It is very new to you, this loss....if you are anything like I was still in a sense of shock. I felt almost numb and then would have these waves of grief. I think we all have these. I know this weekend my son and daughter were visiting with me and we all had a mini breakdown. The three of us still can't believe she is gone. Please know that all of us on this site are with you during the holidays. We will all be sharing your pain....

[wingedeye]

Pennyhorse, and am in the same place that you are, my vibrant and healthy 63 year old Mom died suddenly of an aneurism on Oct 30 and I am also dreading the oncoming holidays. She lived in SF and I am in NY, she was going to come to see me, it was actually going to be just the 2 of us, with my 2 young boys. For me, staying here is out of the question so I am going to my Dad's in Chicago. I think doing something different is a good idea, if the original plans seem empty without her. I am also a bit numb, and it is set off easy when I see a picture of her, though I feel her spirit is close to me as I mourn. That feeling, knowing that is isn't gone, she just isn't here and is waiting on the otherside, that is all I have to hold onto at this point.

[blue202]

Hi everyone - I have come to this site and these forums to try and help me deal with the forthcoming loss of my mother. She has cancer and we have watched her go steadily down hill just over the last month. She has had breast/bone cancer since 1999 - earlier but we didnt know.

What I am having trouble with is acceptng that I am going to lose my mum.

i read your posts about the grief you are all feeling after death, but I feel that now, I am grieving now, I am hurting now. I dont know how you all get thru each day - I dont know how I will get thru once she is gone.

We live very close, I see her everyday. Lately 2-3 times a day to help my dad care for her. You all know the pain I am already feeling - and I know it is only to get worse. Nothing I seem to read helps me thru it - I feel so alone, but yet you are ALL suffering and so many lose their loved ones daily.. but somehow it just feels like you are the only one going thru this pain..

I just really would like some advice or support for what is coming, talking to understanding people may just be what I need to help me accept what is happening..

My heart goes out to you all - as I know my mother is the one Angel in my life that I wont be able to live without

[swede1]

blue202, and everyone else, too,

Someone just posted this under the Reincarnation forum here, but I've taken a look and it also deals with death, dying and helping someone else who is dying. It might be worth a look for anyone afraid of death and dying, and what happens to us all upon physical death. Me, I've put it on my Christmas wish list. You can read the posting in its entirety in that forum - here I've just listed the last piece of info.

Information can be found at www.easydeathbook.com

More information can be found at www.adidam.org and www.beezone.com

[missingher]

I am very sorry to hear of your Mother's illness.....My Mother had a weak heart that finally caught up with her, so I know how scary it can be...like you have a HUGE wieght on your chest and you can't breath.

There is really nothing I can say that is going to ease that pain even a little. But do believe that it will get easier. Believe in her not suffering anymore and being at peace. What helps me get thru the dayas best I can , is to hold on to the fact that her soul has not died. It was the vehicle in which she traveled this earth.....just weakened and could not carry her soul any longer. She is all around me, I talk to her all the time. I also hear her in my head. It is going to be really tough. It is only a little over two weeks since I lost my Mother and I am still trying to cope as best I can.

Be strong for her and let her see and feel as much love as you can muster...no pain or sadness. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Take care of you.

Hi everyone - I have come to this site and these forums to try and help me deal with the forthcoming loss of my mother. She has cancer and we have watched her go steadily down hill just over the last month. She has had breast/bone cancer since 1999 - earlier but we didnt know.

What I am having trouble with is acceptng that I am going to lose my mum.

i read your posts about the grief you are all feeling after death, but I feel that now, I am grieving now, I am hurting now. I dont know how you all get thru each day - I dont know how I will get thru once she is gone.

We live very close, I see her everyday. Lately 2-3 times a day to help my dad care for her. You all know the pain I am already feeling - and I know it is only to get worse. Nothing I seem to read helps me thru it - I feel so alone, but yet you are ALL suffering and so many lose their loved ones daily.. but somehow it just feels like you are the only one going thru this pain..

I just really would like some advice or support for what is coming, talking to understanding people may just be what I need to help me accept what is happening..

My heart goes out to you all - as I know my mother is the one Angel in my life that I wont be able to live without

[elledeco]

Hi Everyone,

It has been about a month since I last posted. First off, my sympathies to all who have lost their moms whether recently or years ago. Thursday the 17th will be 2 months that my mom has been gone and the last few days have been almost unbearable. I thought I was feeling slightly better about things and all of a sudden I am thrown back to where I started. Perhaps it is the thought of the upcoming holidays or just the realization that it is real and it is forever.

I talk with my dad quite a bit (I am an only child) and he is having a very hard time as well. It is hard enough for me to feel what I am feeling but it breaks my heart to hear my dad cry and talk about how much he misses her. I know that we will make it through but sometimes it seems like the pain will never go away.

[Guest Guest]

Hi Blue202, having come on to this web site this morning in search of answers to the way I was feeling I saw your posting. I had thoughts just like yours.

My mum died two weeks ago today. She too had cancer. When mum was diagnosed in May 2002 it hit me like a rock. I grieved heavily then,felt pain, and anger, and sorrow, but what has terrified me since this time is if my reactions were like that at the diagnosis, how will I be able to continue after she dies.

Here is my answer and I hope it will help you too.

A loss of life through cancer is different to an unexpected death. It has different pain. The pain I felt when mum was diagnosed I can only imagine is the same pain as a sudden death, I have read someone else mention of a weight on the heart so heavy that you can't breath. The unexpected shock of death totally floors you. This was how I felt when she was diagnosed. I was like this for many months, ....I have learned just today that it even has a label....anticipatory grief.

Dying of cancer is obvoiusly a slower transition, everyone is suffering every day. You don't think you can take another day. But it continues. My mum was the strongest and bravest person I have ever known. I had the chance to tell her I love her, I had the chance to say sorry for all the things I messed up and didn't do, I had the chance to say thank you. Even in her final days when she was semi conscious I knew she could hear me. I even told her it was okay to go. That we would be alright and not to worry.

I was with her when she died.

Yes there has been great pain, but there is a calmness surrounding everything, its almost as if she is there wrapping her arms around us all.

And what helps me every day, every minute, is that I know mum would not want me to give up. And I know she is around me...so I can't give up.

You have a very very special opportunity that not everbody has, yes its extremely painful knowing that your loved one is going to die soon, but be with her and talk to her. Even when it seems she is unconscious through her pain killers, she can hear you, believe me. Tell her everything. And then let her go. Your grief will change. She will be suffering no more. And please remember she does not want you to suffer. Let her courage help you through your dark days.

I hope this helps you.

X

Hi everyone - I have come to this site and these forums to try and help me deal with the forthcoming loss of my mother. She has cancer and we have watched her go steadily down hill just over the last month. She has had breast/bone cancer since 1999 - earlier but we didnt know.

What I am having trouble with is acceptng that I am going to lose my mum.

i read your posts about the grief you are all feeling after death, but I feel that now, I am grieving now, I am hurting now. I dont know how you all get thru each day - I dont know how I will get thru once she is gone.

We live very close, I see her everyday. Lately 2-3 times a day to help my dad care for her. You all know the pain I am already feeling - and I know it is only to get worse. Nothing I seem to read helps me thru it - I feel so alone, but yet you are ALL suffering and so many lose their loved ones daily.. but somehow it just feels like you are the only one going thru this pain..

I just really would like some advice or support for what is coming, talking to understanding people may just be what I need to help me accept what is happening..

My heart goes out to you all - as I know my mother is the one Angel in my life that I wont be able to live without

[septemberspain]

Hi Blue202

My heart is with you, my mom died from cancer 2 months ago and I can understand the pain of watching someone you love die and not being able to stop it or help. As someone posted earlier the pain is different than an unexpected death but both do hurt regardless. I know that I did talk to my mom all the time I was at her side from the moment she was diagnoised June 05 until she took her last breath Sept 05. Take this time that you have now with your mom and talk to her, hold her and let her know what she means to you. I was able to grasp those times then and they help me sooooo much now. The road we are all on is a very unfamiliar road with alot of set backs and alot of moments when it feels as if your heart has a HUGE hole in it and yes the pain is something like you may never feel again those are the times when the only thing that can comfort you is your memories. Even when I told my mom it was ok to go even though I knew it meant I would not have her body here with me I can feel her love around me and that calmness that comes along with it is unexplainable. I'm trusting that this in some small way helps.

[Guest Guest]

I saw a couple of your posts here and I do know how you are feeling. My mom has lived with my husband and I for seven years. Mom and I are very close.

Over the last couple of years mom's health has gone downhill. She has a bad heart and a myraid of other problems. I had always promised my mother that I would not put her into a nursing home. She put her mom in one because her mom wanted to go; and her mom lasted a month. Mom has always feared and dreaded nursing homes. Last July (2005) she had some problems and was in the hospital for a while and her cardiologist wanted her to go to a nursing/rehab center until stints could be put in her stomach and legs. They got two stints in and mom went through PT and was doing very well. She was gone from home for about six weeks. After we brought her home she did great the first few days, then began getting weaker and not feeling very good.

We had visiting nurses who just took vitals and left. One day I knew she was sick and called her doctor who said call 911 and get her to the hospital. She was there for a week and they sent her home.

Then, on September 30th I got a call at work from my husband (My husband is somewhat disabled and hasn't been able to work in over 10 years -- I am the sole support) that mom used her Emergency Button (the "I've fallen and I can't get up" button) and called for an ambulance. She had a nosebleed that wouldn't stop.

I rushed to the hospital. Mom was there for a week and was diagnosed with Chronic Leukemia. Her white blood cell count was off the charts. No treatment because the treatment would be too hard. They said she needed to go back to a nursing home/rehab to get stronger again. We made arrangements at a closer nursing home that had just opened up and had a good reputation so far.

Twice from that home I had to call an ambulance for her -- the staff was not taking care of her properly or monitoring her food/water. She was again in the hospital for a week. Back to the nursing home. Back in PT. Got sick again and back to the hospital. The doctors all told us to get her on Hospice. We checked into it and decided that she might get better care that way and be more comfortable. We discussed everything with mom. We know it is for comfort and not for treatment.

Mom went back to the nursing home last week. She is feeling better and stronger and wants to take PT again before she loses what strength she has. She says she feels herself getting weaker because she just lies there.

Her Hospice nurse and nursing director do not think she is able to handle PT and today they told me that she is not able to make the drive home for Thanksgiving. Coming home for the day on Thanksgiving has been her short-term goal since she's been there. Coming home has been her (& my) ultimate goal.

We had new floors put in her room (thanks to a flood last July when she was in the other home) and have repainted and I bought her a new small sofa for her room. We gave her the master bedroom because its large enough to section off a bedroom area, living room area and even a kitchenette w/ a small fridge and microwave.

She wants sooo bad to come home and see all of this. She looks forward to it and that gives her more strength. She needs to come home and see her new room, and see her dog and our dogs.

Now they are telling us that she won't make the trip and even if she does, I won't be able to care for her at home even for a day. I know I need to have her on oxygen (I had her on it at home for years) and that I need to have morphine and nitroglycerin in case she has another heart attack.

I have to tell mom tonight that she is not going to get PT because her doctor doesn't think she can handle it, and that if she tries it might kill her sooner and she will never see her home.

I can't bring her home because I have to work. I've been unemployed permanently since 2003 and this job that I have is new and I'm still on contract. If I don't work I don't get paid and if I lose the job we could very well lose everything. This is the best shot at a permanent job I've had in over two years. Mom knows and understands this -- but I don't. I want to be with her--not get a call at work. I don't want her to die alone and I don't want her to die in a nursing home.

I understand the frustrations you all have and the pain. Mom is my best friend and to me, the best mom in the world. She's had a horrible hard life -- a very bad childhood and a worse marriage. She's known almost nothing but pain her whole life. She suffers severe depression (no wonder with the abuse she had) and serious anxiety. She has told me that the only real happiness she's had in life is because of me & my brother being in her life. I know that and I do everything I can possibly do to make her happy and bring a smile to her face.

I know I have to let her go, but I want to do that on HER terms--that being to die at home, in her own bed, with me holding her. I don't know how I can go on if I can't make that happen and she dies in a nursing home alone -- her worst fear and one she begs me to not let happen.

[clittlelady]

It's been a while since I've been able to visit here.

I am so sorry to all whose world has been turned upside down with grief and heartache. The frailty of life, the preciousness of it means more now than it ever has. It seems that we, that share in this pain of grief have been given a key that so many other people haven't come close to. Some days I feel reassured and like I can do it, I can go to work and function and no one there will ever have to know what I'm really feeling and I do. Only one co-worker has lost her Mother and her Father, within a year of each other, just three years ago. I had no idea what her pain was. She's been very supportive of me, it's kind of like we've got that secret. Actually had one co-worker, who is not nice on a good day, tell me I should just get over it. I told her yes, maybe one day.

I'm here tonight because I thought I've been doing getting through each day "okay", however when asked, I've told many I'll never be "okay" again. My mother has been gone two months and twenty days now. Last night, I found myself just crying. Couldn't stop it, just kept crying. My husband was very sympathetic and has been my rock. He was here to comfort me, but to you all I can tell you, there is no comfort right now. I was her only baby girl. All my aunts have already passed away. I miss so much the women in my family. Saturday is my birthday, I have been feeling this pressure really building up in my heart. The first one without my Mom. I know many of you have encouraged me in this and I thank you. I know she's at rest now, just don't know how to get through the day. My husband is working noon til late night, so most of the day will be mine alone. Any other time, I would be okay with that, but not this day. Thought about going to her grave, haven't been there alone since she was laid to rest there. I always sent her flowers for my birthday, but she never wanted flowers placed on her grave, so I've given her last bouquet. I've re-lived her last few weeks, the hospital, taking her back to her home, loving her, kissing her forehead, holding her hand, singing to her, telling her it's okay to go, cleaning and caring for her little, frail body, seeing the weariness in her eyes, hearing her say, "I'm ready to go" and holding her little body as she left and watching the undertaker drive away from her home with her sweet little body. Falling to the ground and feeling like someone had kicked the life right out of me. I know there has to be better days ahead, I just pray God will get me through these next few.

Each little tear that I cry,

each little sparkle in the night's sky

Each sunset that tucks me in,

I'm reminded of your love again.

I'll feel your arms around me as when a little girl

I'll hold you in my heart, for the rest of my world.

All that you have taught me, I'll carry each and every day,

I'll cherish each memory of your laughter and hear you as you pray.

Love Your Baby Girl "C"

[deewithgreeneyes]

Beautiful poem clittlelady.I have not been on either,been in a pretty bad slump these few days. My prayers are with all of you this evening. I cannot pray to my higher power that He stops the pain, on;y that he gives us the strength to have grace for ourselves and our loved ones who need us.

[swede1]

Dear Guest,

I can't see your post now, so will have to try to reply from memory. My heart breaks for you, being in this sticky situation. Although the details differ, it was similar for my Mom, both in the history and the medical establishment thwarting hopes of going home, so I fully understand the fears you have. I don't really have any answers though, as my Mom didn't make it back home, though she was still waiting and expecting it just days before her final stroke...and she did die alone and was cremated, so I never got to even see her body. I can feel my own pulse getting quicker just thinking about your situation. How does one even decide what to do in cases like yours? We were told that the family wasn't even ALLOWED to 'break her out of there', so to speak, as my Mom needed 24 hr. care and special equipment which was very expensive ( and my dad was holding out on any funds for her care ) and there was no one who could provide this for her. As it turned out, she herself had enough money in one account ( that was found much later on )to have had this covered, out of pocket, but me and my ( now dead ) brother didn't know about it, as my father wielded all the legal power and had dementia on top of his normal greed. All I can suggest is to check out all legalities now, while you have a chance, keeping in mind the institution might not want to tell you everything you might need to know, unless you keep digging for all the answers. I learned too late that one often has to fight the medical system tooth and nail and it's a fine line to walk because our loved one's care depends on the staff liking US as well. Only those who've had to go through this kind of nonsense with our loved ones know how infinitely frustrating and terrifying it can be...but I think there are, unfortunately, plenty of us!

Please keep us abreast of what is happening with your mom, so we can help support you as needed.

[clittlelady]

To Everyone Here who has offered encouragement and support and has been my crying shoulder through the most difficult point of my life, in losing my mother and dealing with family situations following her death, A sincere Thank You. Those words don\'t convey what this message board has meant to me. This has been a very significant part of my coping over these last two and a half months. I consider you all blessings in my life. You\'re all in my prayers. A special prayer that we all can feel the touch of his angels through each difficult moment we encounter over this holiday season.

In His hands I put my trust,

I stand in stillness and feel his touch.

When all around me seems so gray,

I bow my head and begin to pray.

Peace is what I ask for, to share with all my friends,

Give us sun and rainbows, help us to live again.

[Guest Guest]

Ok, here goes nothing..........

I doubt very any of you will understand me....

My mom was Murdered, bye my Fiance .............

Not only did i lose one. But 2 at the same time...

Because i love both of them.... And almost 10 months later....

I still love them both.......

Everyone thinks i'm crazy because i still love him, and

i dont hate him.....

Anyway... thats my story.. Thanks for listening....

[stellaanne]

I have never been so glad for a day to be over in a long time....

The hardest thing about a holiday is being with people who are not unhappy that its a holiday...

I don't think i will ever like holidays again and i don't care. I don't want to try to like them ...honestly I wanted to just be alone today....with a stack of movies and pictures of my Mom...what's wrong with that?? ...but I was talked out of it. This life is a cruel joke.