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Loss of a Mother


boneca123

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Hi everyone........I have been having a tough time the last few days. I often wonder when the crying will stop. It has been 8 months since my Mum passed away but I still have trouble believing it. Feb. 3 was hard as it would have been my parents anniversary and with them both gone I think I am the only one who remembers. I think that is what bothers me. When you die how long are you remembered for. There you are just a face in a picture and a memory of maybe 2 generations...me and my kids and then no one will really remember her. How sad is that? I find when I am driving alone in the car memories just keep coming back of her. I try to take different routes to the hospital where I take Cardiac Fitness as the palliative care is in the same area and if I take the way I drove my Mum the last time she was in the car it is like I feel her there with me and it brings back all the horrible memories of how sick she was and how she knew it was her last ride and she would never be coming home with me again! Wow, the hurt never seems to lessen. Seems I am crying too much to type anymore...Adrian

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Hi Gena,

I am sorry to hear you have been having a hard time lately. Maybe one thing will cheer you up is to know I am a huge Auburn Tiger fan. HA HA! I hope that made you smile. I wish you peaceful days ahead and I 'll be thinking of you. Hope to hear from you soon.

New Extended family,

I would like to welcome the new comers to our extended family. We all have to meet on an unhappy occasion. You will find that the more you share and read in these sites you will feel a since of releif. None of us are alone. Share your thoughts and feelings whenever you like. I am sorry for your losses.

Russ,

How have you been doing? We haven't heard from you in a long time. I understand you have been having a rough few months lately with you mother's trail. I wish you strength and peace and I am praying for you. Just keep reading and we hope to hear from you soon .

Wendy

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lostwithouthismom

hey guys

it's being a lil while since i posted as things seem to pretty quiet around here lately.this is gonna be a short one for me today.I'm going to my sisters place tommorow to visit for the week so i'll see ya guys next week sometime.

hey Russ how you doing these days? we havent seen much of you lately and i just hope your feeling a little better these days:) i'll talk some more when i get back i gotta get ready and just wanted to let you know im still around and to hang in there Russ ;)

till next time cya guys

cliff

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hi guys...

WENDY AND CLIFF: hey guys...thx for your thoughts and words. im here....i "check in " everyday...but since my mums court trial my sole has been a little lost. im getting some special help from some wonderful people who just give me a little mental lift now and then so i hope to be back on track and working my way thru this tunnel of grief...god dam its hard...

my mums court case has now taking a step higher....our family has instructed our lawyers to take legal action against the hopistal trust (NHS) which is our countries National Health Service (or no service in my mums case)....its painful as we know what the result will be....its like we doin this for financial reasons...far from it...but it seems the only "language" these people understand....

cliff...how ya doing buddy?...let me know mate.. hows life with your dad? and those pesky demons?...i know youll do it mate.....im looking forward to hearing from you...

Wendy, thx again for thinkin of me....its important to me that you guys have remembered me....thx...

guys...im still here...thx once again...im still here to read and hopefully now and then offer some good words too....this month will be 19 months since i lost my mumma....love you mum..soooo much...

ps-keelynn....thx for being a good pal and always having the pateince to "listen"....

ill be back guys...hugs.xx

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Hi Guys,

Its good to see that your all still here I think of you alot!! Cliff, english russ lost withoutmom and everybody that I use to talk to. Well Im here its been since October 5th 2004 that my mom passed away.. I have found that you need to take it one day at a time, and remember dont beat yourself up about anything... Laundry. dusting and for me going to work I have had the worst time keeping my act together.. No I havent been carted off in an ambulance lately thank god!! My family and I hadnt talked in 5 years really 5 years live in the same state and everything they just didnt have anything to do with my mom or me!!!!!!!!!! Whatever!!!! But now that my mom passed every since she was in hospice I have talked to them but I have found that I have some things to over come,,, anger for them not helping me! Having them use the excuse that there lives were to busy to see there own mom yeah I know its not for me to deal with and I dont intend to it just happens I get an attitude and I feel anger!!!!!!!!!! My love doesnt change but my anger sure stays.. So I have decided that my mom didnt miss anything she had me and my two kids to love and care for. Screw them if they didnt want to be a part of her life I loved her love and cared for her all my life!!!!!!!!!! And I miss her so much!!!!!!!

Love to you mom and Happy Valentines day!!!!!!!!

Love,

Your Daughter Robin

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Hi everyone, I am new here. I am 28 years years old. I very unexpectedly lost my mom 9 weeks ago. 5 weeks later, just as unexpectedly I lost my father. I feel this whole experience is so surreal. When does it feel real? I have so many different feeling going on in my head. I am so lonely without my parents. Yet I am so angry at them for leaving me. I am guilty, sad, and lost all at the same time. Any advice is helpful. I was so glad finding this site. Its comforting to know others are going through the same thing.

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My mom died Feb 10th. I cannot cry. She was sick, so I knew death would not be far away. I went to the grave of my brother. He was fifteen when he was killed, I was only a baby. I miss my brother most of all even though I never knew him. I can't understand why he had to die. Why wasn't he there to help me care for my mom and now to make arrangements for her funeral. I want to talk to him more than I've ever wanted anything. Why? I never knew him.

My dad died in 1980. My kids are grown and live out of town. After my dad died, my mom stayed in the house so I never had to deal with getting rid of absolutely everything. The house, notes on the basement wall, etc.

Tonight is the first night I'll be alone. Is this when it will be real? Is this when I'll cry. How long will it last. I feel I deserve to hurt becauseof things I did wrong.

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I hope everyone is doing well. It kinda breaks my heart to know so many people have lost their loved ones. I know we are all greatful that we have this site. I would like to apologize to the new people that have came in the last few days. I know that I haven\'t respond to anyone or tried to welcome anyone. I welcome you all. Sometimes days are harder than others and you feel the need to lose all contact with the world around. Hopefully in the next few days things will pick back up. Don\'t think nobody is hear, we all just read alot. I am sorry for all of you that are having hard times and feeling confused. The loss of your mother is about the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. I lost my mother one year ago January 8th. She had cancer in her lung and liver. I miss her something awful. Everybody keep in touch and maybe we can see each other thru these bad times we are having.

Wendy

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Hi all. My name is Kristin, and I lost my mom on New Year\'s Eve, and I just found this site today. I\'m not really sure why I\'m posting, as I don\'t really have anything much to say. My mother was amazing. She was one of my best friends. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of my senior year in high school. She fought it for three years. It\'s been a month and a half, and it feels like it was yesterday. I'm in college 2,000 miles away from home, and my mom used to send me a package on Valentine\'s Day so that she would be sure I would get something. My dad sent me a card and a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen wall calendar (they go to my school, and it\'s a weird inside joke:)) but it\'s not the same. Just like I know I\'m not gonna get an Easter basket in the mail, or a random box of batteries, mini-picture frames, and travel packs of tissues with fun designs. Everything reminds me of her. I miss her so much. I keep thinking of times in my life when she won\'t be there. Graduation, my wedding, having a baby, my 21st birthday, next Christmas. Will it ever get easier?

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My name is Leah, just found this site a few days ago...my mom died of cancer May 21, 2001, almost 4 years now. I was 19, had just finished my freshman year of college...mom and i had our rough times, but we also did absolutely EVERYTHING together. She was involved in every part of my life...the void has been huge.

As I\\\'ve been reading everyone\\\'s letters, I remember it all: getting excited at college to call mom because i hadn\\\'t talked to her in so long, and then remembering I\\\'d never talk to her again; seeing moms and daughters shopping at work and trying not to break down; plus all the anger, guilt, regret, breakdowns, never-ending pain and wondering if this nightmare would ever end.

IT DOES GET BETTER; the pain WILL lessen. It\'ll never completely go away, but little-by-little, you\\\'ll come to life again. \\\"And just when you think you\\\'ll never smile again, life comes back.\\\" This truly does happen. And it sneaks up on you. One day you realize \\\"I laughed today...more than once!!!\\\" And there start to be more days like that. Then you\'ll realize you don\'t cry every day anymore, maybe \\\"only\\\" every other day, and then \\\"only\\\" a couple of times a week. Sometimes now, months go by without too much of a breakdown.

I\'ve also struggled with depression/despair, suicide, binge eating to deal with emotions, fear of losing another loved one. it\\\'s hard. Period. I dropped out of school for two years because i couldn\\\'t handle stress of school plus grieving. BUT...doing better now. I\'ve been in conselling on and off for several years now - tremendoulsy helpful. Just started back to school this year...HUGE accomplishment for me. :)

Awesome friends/family/mentors/counselors have gotten me through, and continue to do so - people who let me weep and cry and cuss and question as much as i need to. My problem still is that i sometimes don\'t take advantage of that support group. I try to \"stuff,\" which never works. All that pain has to come out someway...it\'s like a poison that\'ll kill you if it stays inside.

I've definitely been angry at God and still am sometimes. I\'ve screamed \"WHY?!?!?!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?\" a million times (and many other things, too). Still, Jesus is my lifeline... the reason I\\\'m alive today (probably would have killed myself). He enables me to live "just one more day." Someday I\\\'ll see Jesus AND my mom...that's what gives me hope in this life.

You all WILL make it, and things WILL get better - I promise you. Sorry I\\\'ve written so much...hope it can give some of you a tiny bit of comfort and light amidst the horrible darkness you\\\'re in...MOM, I LOVE YOU TONS AND I\\\'LL NEVER STOP MISSING YOU! This is for you!

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slowlyhealing
Hi all. My name is Kristin, and I lost my mom on New Year's Eve, and I just found this site today. I'm not really sure why I'm posting, as I don't really have anything much to say. My mother was amazing. She was one of my best friends. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of my senior year in high school. She fought it for three years. It's been a month and a half, and it feels like it was yesterday. I'm in college 2,000 miles away from home, and my mom used to send me a package on Valentine's Day so that she would be sure I would get something. My dad sent me a card and a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen wall calendar (they go to my school, and it's a weird inside joke:)) but it's not the same. Just like I know I'm not gonna get an Easter basket in the mail, or a random box of batteries, mini-picture frames, and travel packs of tissues with fun designs. Everything reminds me of her. I miss her so much. I keep thinking of times in my life when she won't be there. Graduation, my wedding, having a baby, my 21st birthday, next Christmas. Will it ever get easier?

I know how it feels, Kristin. THough I haven't lost my mother yet, she is dying of ALS. She won't be here for my 21st birthday and she won't be here for my wedding, or when I have my babies. It hurts really bad. I am in college right now about an hour away from my apartments and from my mom. Though the drive there and back isn't really bad now, I know that next semester I may have to quit. My mom won't last much longer and it feels like a part of me is slowly dying with her. I am 19 years old, and I still want my mommy's arms to wrap around me, and I want her voice to tell me that she loves me, but now I have neither. My mother's strength is gone, but I know that her hopes and dreams for me are still there, its just so much harder to express them. Mom wants me to go on even though it feels like I can't. She wants me to be happy, and right now those happy times are slowly fading into the darkness. I know God is still here, and He is in control, but sometimes I feel as though he is not around. I sometimes feel as though he left me in the dark circle to face the world alone for a while. I know that God will take care of me and my mom in his time. I'm just holding on right now, and praying so hard to not feel so alone anymore. It gets easier I hear, but it takes time. I hope you find the peace of mind that God is still there, Kristin. I'll be in prayer for all of you.

Nicole

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daisysdaughter

Hi, my name is Wendy and I found this site last week. My Mom died Feb 10. We were Mother and Daughter and best friends. I'm 39 and never lived away from her. That may sound strange but I never wanted to. I have a good job and could have but I wanted to be with my Mom. I am absolutely devastated. We shopped, got our hair cut, went out to eat, watched TV and for 9 years even worked together. When she died I think a big part of me died too. My Mom has been sick for a few years. In 2001 she was on a ventilator for 2 1/2 months and has had trouble getting around since then. I knew she was getting worse but I guess I didn't want to believe that she might die. People keep telling me it will get better but now it seems like I will feel like this forever. I know I should be happy that I had her for so long but I wanted her longer. My Mom was so much stronger than I am. I think she knew how much I love her but now there are a million ways I wish I could say it and show her. It has helped to come here and see that what I am feeling is normal. Everyone take care of yourself.

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HI, MU NAME IS LYNNANN AND I JUST LOST MY MOM FEB 11TH. ITS BEEN 11 DAYS AND I AM STILL NUMB WITH SHOCK. MOM HAS BEEN SICK WITH ENPHYSEMA(2000) AND RHUMETOID ARTHRISIT (10YEARS) SHE HAD BEEN BEDRIDDEN FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND SHE WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE LIKE THAT. I HAVE SUCH AN EMPTINESS IN MY HEART AND STOMACH. i HAVE THE IMPENDING FEAR OF LOSING MY FATHER ALSO, I FEEL I HAVE TO SEE HIM EVERDAY OR CALL HIM. PEOPLE TELL ME "IT" EASES IN TIME BUT RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT FEEL THAT IT WILL EVER EASE, SOMETIMES I FEEL IT WILL GET WORSE BECAUSE EVERYDAY I GO TO MY PARENTS HOUSE, I DO NOT SEE HER THERE. MY YOUNGER SISTER IS THE H ARDEST BECAUSE SHE ALONG WITH MY FATHER TOOK CARE OF MY MOTHER NIGHT AND DAY AND SHE FEELS SO ALONE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL RESTLESS, NOTHING COMFORTS ME. I JUST RECENTLY WENT BACK TO WORK AFTER BEING OUT A WEEK AND I FEEL SO STRANGE. EMPTY SUMS IT UP THE MOST.

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slowlyhealing
ITS LYNN AGAIN, SORRY I SPELLED A FEW WORDS WRONG THERE BUT I NEEDED TO GET ALL OF THIS OUT AND AM JUST WRITING AND NOT REALLY THINKING AT THE SAME TIME.

Misled05,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am currently taking care of my mother who is dying. She has ALS. I too feel numb at times, because I know that all I really can do is wait. I love my mom very much, and I really don't want to loose her, but I know God will take care of us all, even though times are getting so much darker.

If you need to talk or just let your feelings out, lean on others around you, and keep writing if it helps.

I'll be in prayer for your family.

I'm still here

Nicole

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Hi, I found this site while surfing the net to find some relief from my grieving.

I feel terrible today because today is Saturday and on Saturdays I used to take my mother to the hospital for her dialysis treatment. She had her last dialysis treatment on November 13. I lost her the next morning at around 3.50 a.m., about six hours after that last dialysis. She died of cardiac arrest brought about by insufficient blood circulation in her body after she lost some blood during that last dialysis and no blood transfusion was given to her for reasons now only known to God.

I knew she was not feeling well but I thought she was just tired and suffering from the 'side effects' of dialysis. She had always pulled through after a night's sleep. I had managed to 'save' her and took her to the hospital on time the three times she 'collapsed' in the house. The last collapse was on October 18 when she was admitted for internal bleeding and she was in such a worse condition than she was in the night before she died. She only just got discharged from the hospital on November 11 and the family was planning to have some quality time with her after her dialysis on November 13 but we never got the chance to do that. We never even got the chance to say our goodbyes.

I had been her caregiver (with the help of my 74 year old father) for the past four years. Her renal problem stated a year ago and in August when she was near collapse in the house, we took her to the hospital and dialysis saved her or rather prolonged her life for a further three and a half months. She could have lived longer if better medical and nursing attention was given to her because she was a high risk patient. She suffered chest pain when her neck access catheter gave her problem and she had to be hospitalised for checks. She had to go through a third neck access line insertion because the first two was not working properly. Then the heparin used for dialysis made her suffer from internal bleeding and she was vomiting and passing out blood very badly in the hospital. The doctors and nurses gave her heparin again and she had to suffer internal bleeding again and again. She had endoscopy done six times during her three week stay. At one time she was unconcious and we thought that we had lost her. We were so happy that she survived that ordeal and we managed to get her out of the hospital alive.

I cannot understand why God took her away two days later. I miss her so much and wished I could still hug her like I used to. The only consolation I gave myself was that she was not in much pain when she passed away and she died from something which I could not save her from. But then again, my 'should haves' start all over again.

Sorry for rambling but I am feeling real bad today. Today is December 11, this day last month I was with her waiting in the hospital for her discharge. Then on the 13th I took her back for her dialysis.

God bless all of you for listening to me.

Pebbles.

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hi misled o5. i'm sorry for your loss. the beginning of your post hit home for me. my mom also had emphazema, (COPD) and RA. she was almost bedridden for about 8 months. it was a big struggle for her to go to the drs. she was in so much pain and her quality of life was so poor. she passed away in feb 2004. it is so early in your grieving process. empty and numb are ok feelings to have. it is hard and yes, it will get easier. it will take time. feel what you are feeling. let it out, talk about it, write about it, pray about it. you will make it thru this. and there will be challenges ahead, but be strong and TRY to keep a good attitude. remember that your mom is happy and healthy and pain free. she wants you to be happy (in time) too. stay close to your family and talk with them. this is a rocky road that you are on but put it in 4wheel drive and keep on going. you will be ok. we are all here for you. this site has been so helpful to me. i hope you come back here again. i wish you peace. heather

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THANK YOU HEATHER SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I KNOW I WILL HAVE GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS. I AM GETTING MARRIED IN MAY AND I FELT LIKE I WANTED TO CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF AND JUST GET MARRIED QUIETLY IN COURT, BUT MY MOM DID GET TO SEE MY DRESS AND ALL THE FAVORS AND DECORATIONS AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS ARE TELLING ME TO DO IT THAT SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED THIS FOR ME. I HOPE WHEN THE TIME COMES I WILL BE OK WITH IT, RIGHT NOW ITS STILL PAINFUL TO ME THAT SHE WILL NOT BE THERE. I WILL ALSO BE TURNING 40 IN JULY AND SHE WILL NOT BE THERE TO CELEBRATE THAT EITHER. ITS JUST A HUGE EMPTINESS THAT I FEEL AND NOT EVEN MY FIANCE CAN GIVE ME COMFORT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HIS MOTHER IS STILL ALIVE AND I BELIEVE THAT ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST A PARENT KNOW THE TRUE FEELING THAT I AM FEELING. HE IS THERE FOR ME BUT DOESN'T TRULY UNDERSTAND THE ACHE IN THE HEART AND MY STOMACH. I KNOW IT WILL BE A LONG ROAD AND I THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

LYNN (MISLED05)

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Hi Crystlangl13,

I felt the same way when i first found this site several weeks ago. I wasn't really sure why i was posting but i guess i just needed to get it off my chest. I am 28 years old and lost both of my parents in about a months time, very very unexpectedly. I live in NY and my parents had retired out to TX a few years ago. I just went there to start to clean out the house and possibly get some closure. It was so hard. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me here or my personal email is jimmerglick@exchange.ml.com

Sometimes it just helps to vent.

Many people on this site have been so compassionate and helpful to me.

I wish you the best and hope to hear from you.

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Wendy,

My mom died on Feb 10th also. How are you dealing with it? My mom was my best friend. I was an only child so when she died I felt like all my childhood had died with her as I had no one to ask questions about old relatives, memories, etc. I hope you have siblings you can lean on. I feel so all alone.

I don't know what stage I'm in.

I go to her house about every other day to clean stuff out and it doesn't bother me. If I start to cry, I immediately stop myself. I have become a compulsive cleaner and binge eater. Does anyone know how to control this? Is it wrong that I'm not crying? I feel guilty going to work because it seems like my life should not continue as it was. PLEASE SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

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englishruss

Hi Camella, my name is russ. ive been adding and extracting information from this site since mid last year....stick with us..you WILL benefit i promise..but be patient.

I lost my mum very suddenly and VERY unexpectedley on 07.21.03. Although im not an only child sometimes i feel like i am. my mum was my ROCK in life...whenever lifes troubles came my way she always knew exactly what to do or say...instinctively...but i guess all good mums do this? (smile)what you have explained below sounds familiar to me. since losing my mum i too have become a "cleanaholic"...i mean ive always been house proud in my own home but not to this extent. But the thing that caught my eye is that you find it "hard" to cry and immediately stop urself if you feel it coming. thats ME!. in the 19 months or so since losing mum (apart from the intial few days) ive perhaps cried a dozen times...sometimes i felt like a volcano waiting to errupt!! i got a little concerned about the lack of tears at one stage...but i was assured that it was my way of dealing with it. I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 15 months (she is an angel) and she explains to me in a fantastically sensitive way that not everbody needs to cry. just because your not crying camella doesnt meen your not heart broken...trust me i understand your pain...i really do. until i lost my mum i didnt think it was possible to die from a broken heart...but once or twice in this gireving period i thought i was crumbling. the truth is camella is that there are no rules to follow....no book of "grieving rules" to read...youve just gotta do things your way and what works for you. if thats doin the things you are then so be it...just always be aware of YOUR OWN health. only now nearly 2 years on am i able to look at a picture of my mumma with confidence and without the fear of bursting into tears. only now can i "talk" to my mum without being scared. the classic "time heals" is true...but only to an extent. although i am FAR FAR away from feeling like im confident in life again, your heart will never be "fixed" but like me, you WILL be able to breath again....i try to describe my own grief like a storm...for the first year i was in an uncontrolable storm of grief with my head below the water for the most part...but as time is passing and although i miss my mumma soooooooooo much and still feel shattered with grief...the waves of emotion are getting smaller..i can feel it camella... one day im sure the waves will be small enough for us to breath again....

take your time camella...find a good support channel...here maybe...a counsellor (i strongly recommend)....or friends / family...and talk to them...talk to them until you feel you cant talk anymore...let your feelings out..

be brave camella...your strength will only come back in time....HUGS

hi to the rest of the guys...there are sooo many gus here now i fail to remember everone. cliff, mcd, robin, nicole, keelynn, and everbody else..im sorry if i forget...i hope you all are doing well...hope to hear from you all soon...

your english mate...russ.HUGS!!!!

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HI FRESIA5555,

YOU SAID YOU LOST BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS IN A MONTHS TIME, MAY I ASK YOU WHAT HAPPENED?? WERE THEY BOTH SICK AT THE SAME TIME?? I LOST MY MOM FEB 11, 2005 AND I HAVE SUCH A FEAR OF LOSING MY FATHER THAT IS TERRIFYING TO ME. HE SEEMS TO BE OK RIGGHT NOW, BUT PEOPLE SAY SPOUSES DIE OF A BROKEN HEART BECAUSE THEY MISS THE OTHER SO MUCH.

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Thank you Russ. I don't know why I think there is some "grief protocol" that you're suppose to follow, but I feel like people are watching me just to see how I'll take it.

You're right, it is like a storm or being in the ocean. Sometimes I'm just floating on calm waters and sometimes the grief washes over me in huge waves. Knowing that someone else is having the same experience makes me at least feel 'normal'.

Thanks,

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Hi Misled,

It's actually a very sad story. Neither of my parents were sick. They were both only 58 years old. My mom was going for a very basic surgery. She had pre-op testing done and the doctors basically ignored, or just didn't read the results. Her pre-op basicaly said "DO NOT OPERATE" She had some sort of blockage to her heart. She probably needed a bypass surgery and would have lived. It was just too much on her body. She made it through surgery and even came home the next day. She suddenly became very lethargic and had a stroke in her bed. My Dad tried his hardest to save her and it was just too late. My Dad was a nurse and had horrible guilt that he couldn't save her, but no one would have been able to. After she passed he was severly depressed. He also had emphasyma for many years. His breathing got bad and he was utterly heartbroken as well. Once again when he went to the doctor they just quickly diagnosed him with bronchitis, with no testing, and sent him home. He had pneumonia and should have been hospitalized instantly. I called the doctor the following day because Dad was so short of breath he couldn't hold a conversation. We were communicating via email. The doctor would not speak to me due to HIPPA laws. All I wanted was for him to call in an antibiotic for my Dad. I advised him to rest and continued to call the doctor that day and the next. I got a call from the police department after the second day, that they found my father in his bed diseased. To be perfectly honest I don't know if it was the sickness that killed him or his broken heart like you said. I don't want to worry you more. The odd part was that immediatly after he passed i kept seeing different news casts saying that the sudden loss of a loved one can cause a broken heart. They had never lived without each other. He didn't know how. When i went to clean out the house which was 5 weeks after Mom had passed, nothing had changed. Her pajamas were on the bed. Her shows had not moved. The house was in utter disarray. I don't really know what happened. I hope my story shed some light. Please feel free to email me any time you need to talk; whether it be this or just to say hello. My personal email is jimmerglick@exchange.ml.com

I would love to hear from you.

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englishruss

hi camella. i also understand how it feels when you think people are looking at you and wondering why your not always crying, i felt like this too!. its like youve gotta cut of a limb to prove how broken hearted you feel, but as i said before youve just gotta do it your way...thats one thing ive learnt. obviously along the way you question it...i still question my lack of tears...but i cannot question my shattered heart, i KNOW how it feels...unfortunately people on the outside cant see that. they will always question it camella until they themselves go thru wot you are going thru right now. little steps camella...thats what it takes...eventually there will be light at the end again for you...you WILL breath again...hang in there...HUGS

Fresia5555 - god, im so sorry for your losses. i cant begin to imagine the sense of loss for both of your parents sooo close to each other. our stories have a similarity...my mother also died from hospital errors and complications, they failed to diagnose a huge blood clot in her lung that killed her as quick as a heart attack.

my father too, although still "with us"...is a shattered man (we all are but)..he and my mum were married for 40yrs...and were very close. we were all very close as a family (all 4). he has just retired at 65...wakes up each moring with nothing to do in life and nothing to look forward to. his heart is broken in two...i constantly worry and get very tearful when im with him because he is just a shell of the man he was...i totally understand what you mean about the possibilty of dying from a broken heart...i see it everyday!

stick with us fresia...we are all here for you...you must now get support for yourself...be brave fresia...im here.

HUGS

russ.xx

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daisysdaughter

Camella, You have to grieve in the way that is best for you. Cry if you want but your not a bad person if you stop yourself from crying or can't cry. That certainly doesn't mean you didn't love your Mom and much as the next person. There was one day last week that I really only cried a couple of times and I wondered if I was forgetting my Mom already and I felt terrible but the rest of the time I have done nothing but cry and the binge eating, I know what you mean. I have not been able to get full since she died. I'm really worried about that too because I have lost a lot of weight in the last year and don't want to gain it back. I have been really cold too. I keep getting the shakes and a chill up my spine. It doesn't matter what I put on I can't get warm. My Mom lived with me so I don't have to worry about getting rid of things until I'm ready but I did get rid of her walker this past weekend. That was really like loosing my Mom all over again. I know she'll never come home again but it's like any second she'll call me to come get her. I actually feel guilty because its like she's in the hospital and I'm not going to see her. I took care of my Mom for 4 years and now its like I'm lost because no one really needs me. My Dad is here and he has cancer but he is doing OK and never really wants help with anything so I'm kind of just lost. Good luck Camella and remember its OK to cry but OK not to cry too.

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Thank you all for your replies. My heart goes out to you all.

I,too, recently lost a lot of weight and now I can't eat enough. Does anyone have an answer to binge eating. Why are we doing it? Are we trying to fill an empty spot?

Daisy I'm going through menopause and usually so HOT, but now I can get cold so suddenly. Last nite I ate dinner with a sweater, blanket and jacket wrapped around me and was still cold.

Love and comfort to you all

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Hi Englishruss & Everyone else,

Thanks for your support and the support of everyone else. I had another tragedy this weekend. I feel as if I am cursed. My first cousin was tragically killed in a mtorcycle accident. He was only 27 years old and his wedding was coming up May 21st. His fiance was celebrating her wedding shower when she got the call. I feel like the minute i start to realize my parents are gone then something else happens. I am going to speak to someone today. My job offers some couseling. So hopefully they can help.

Again thank you all.

Camella,

I am exactly the same with the binge eating. But i also vomit often. I get so cold and so hot in an instant! I am not going through menopause as i am only 28. I have the same symptoms so i assume its normal.

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Here it is another Wednesday. Mom died on a Wednesday and I always find them difficult. My Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer last March. I am thinking about last St. Patricks Day. Every year my husband and I had some fun with Mom by adding green food colouring to white wine and telling her it was special Irish wine just for the celebration. She always laughed and had a glass before dinner. That is the last happy picture I had taken of my Mom and me. The two of us toasting each other with the glass of green wine. I was just looking at it and thinking how great she looked for 88. She turned 89 in the hospital on the 29th of March and we found out about her cancer on the 30th. It still seems like yesterday. I miss her so much. She lived with me and I still have trouble dealing with her area of the house.

My heart goes out to all of you who come here with their losses. It is so hard for us all...The next three months will be very hard for me as I relive the first year of the whole process of my Mom passing away. It took just 3 months from diagnosis to her leaving me and I wasn\'t ready then and I am not ready now to remember that time in my life but life does go on...best wishes to all of you as you deal with your own grief

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daisysdaughter

My Mom died a month ago today. I can't believe a month has gone by already. I miss her more and more everyday. I keep thinking about all the things I should have told her. I knew how sick she was but I kept thinking she would get better and she'd go home. Even when they moved her to intensive care I thought she would come home. I actually packed a bag of clothes for her to come home in. Instead of doing that why didn't I tell her what she meant to me. On 2/8 she was talking and sitting up in bed and we were planning on going out for dinner when she got out of the hospital. That was the last time I really got to talk to her. At 4:00 the next morning they called to say she was doing bad. I talked to her that whole day but she was out of it and I really don't know if she heard me. Still then I thought the Doctors were wrong and she would be ok. I don't know why I didn't face reality and say all of the things I wish I could now. Wendy

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Daisydaughter, I feel the same pain. My mother died Feb 10th, also. Her neighbor found her at about this time (7:30) and it's so hard to believe that just one short month ago I was talking to her and now she's gone. I think it is just starting to hit me. This must be when we get out of our denial phase. I'm not sure what that means. All I know is that things are getting worse instead of better. There's no point in doing anything. Why work, save, study when all we're going to do is die anyway? All I see is death around me. I look at the trees and wonder why they go to all the trouble of blooming when in fall they just die again.

Wendy- I sure hope it's better for you. Emotionally, there are so many things I wish I had said and done, just like you. But you did the BEST thing at the time. c

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englishruss

hi camella...

again reading your mail i can pick up some similarities between your feelings and mine...some of which i have overcome to a degree.

i would like to just say that its be 20 months since i lost my mumma and i still havent got thru the denial totally yet. its sinking in for sure...day by day...but not totally. sometimes i still wake up thinkin its all a bad dream and my mum will call me to say hi. camella...please dont rush yourself for things to happen. your journey thru grief will be a natural progression, with help from more than one person im sure. take your time camella (smile)

also...the bad bit...the d.e.a.t.h word....i went thru a stage in my grief when ALL i saw and heard was death...on tv, on the radio, in magazines, in newspaper...etc...i also had kind'a bit of a breakdown when i was convinced i also was going to die. my body from stress, anxiety and pain was making me think i was dying. my counsellor ensured me that it was "normal" because the fragility of life had been thrust in my face when i prematurely lost mum. when i look back now...i kind'a laugh at myself and think "what was i thinkin" but at the time it was so real. id wake up at night physically shaking with panic attacks...its normal camella...youll fell sooo many unusual feelings in the up and coming months....be assured most of which is ok....

i also felt like..."why bother getting up for work when in 10 hrs id be back at home gettin ready for bed"....such irrational thoughts camella...they scared the hell out of me at the time...only with time tho will you understand these feelings a bit more....

im sorry if ive scared you into some of these feelings i had...i only try to explain that the feelings you have are so similar to mine.....

stick with it camella...your already developing and progressing...without you even knowing it...your mum is proud.

hi to all the rest of the "family".....hope your all good. cliff...kecia...mcd, robin, nicole....hi to you ALL....off on holiday for a week...see you all soon!!

big hugs...russ.xx

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Hello to all

My Mom died in 2004 Jan 14th. It is still hard for me to believe she is gone. Like others have said she was my rock. I have put my life on hold for so long to be there for those who need me, that I don't know how to move on. My Father in law died in Feb 2003. He lived with us since June 1999. We, Husband and I ran a nursing home taking care of him since end of Oct 1999.

My husband was diagnosed with MS in June 1997. My only sister found out she had hepatis last summer. I too have a chronic illness but major problems only occur every 7 to 10 years or so.

I started therapy last year then had to go home to help pack up the house. My Mom lived there for 46 years. I was 6 when we moved there. Never was able to finish therapy last year so started seeing a new therapist. I have some issues holding my growth back that I am working on.

I don't think I will ever be able to be happy or have the life I want. I am trying hard to deal with my depression and beliefs that hold me back. I was already depressed when Mom died. All this is tied to Mom overprotecting me. Too much love can cause problems also.

It seems like all of it with Mom happened so fast. I found out her cancer was back in Nov 2003 around Thanksgiving. I had already planned to go home at Xmas.

She had just got a PEG feeding tube in. She was trying to gain weight so she could have chemotherapy. I only knew she was terminal for about a week and had maybe 3 to 6 months to live before she died.

This was all complicated by the fact she had 3 doctors who were not on the same page. I think that made it more difficult. She was cared for by an internist as her oncologist was 20 miles away. Oncologist would have put her in the hospital in the town where he was. Her internist and hospital in her town were 5 minutes away.

She was being seen by home health nurses. The week after Xmas was what broke her. She got a virus or something and should have been hospitalized. But the internist was off on vacation. Finally Jan 8 or so she was admitted to the hospital. She was released on Jan 13. My sister and I got a hospital bed, oxygen machine, nebulalizer etc all delivered to her home.

I even though of reporting the internist to the state medical board. Patients have a hard time getting in to see him. I don't think home health care, even if nurses are good and are R.N.'s is a substitute for a doctor visit. There should have been a doctor covering for him when he was off. He is in practice alone and in a small town.

It bothers me that I think her care was shoddy. If she had been on and HMO or PPO I think it would have been better. I only wanted to contact state medical board to force them to make sure his patients have better care when he is on vacation. I was not trying to get money or say he commited malpractice. I know he communicated with the home health care nurses and administrators...

What do you think? Should I complain about the doctor? Should I send him a copy of the letter to the state medical board? Am I just trying to blame someone? Mom had a fever when I left on the Sunday after Xmas, December 27th.

The home health nurse was treating her for the fever...

My sister got to got to the oncologist with Mom in November 2003. Mom did not want to be told her prognosis. I think that doc should have tried to talk to my sister alone or told her to call him. This was before the new privacy act started.

I think at the very least, the internist should have told us she had maybe 3 to 6 months left sooner. She got feeding tube in so she could gain weight and have chemotherapy. I think the fact it was Christmas time should not be an excuse for not telling my sister and I.

What do you think? Does it sound like my Mom got the treatment she deserved?

Maybe they did not admitt her to hospital because they were trying to keep her comfortable at home. Maybe it really should not seem like negligence.. Maybe I am overreacting.

I think I will write the doctor a letter and send a copy to the state medical board.

Trish or Mctripat

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daisysdaughter

Trish-I keep thinking my Mom's doctor messed up too. My Mom had severe COPD and came down with something right after Thanksgiving. Instead of giving her steroid's where you start high and taper off (I'm sorry I don't know the medical term for this) he supposedly gave her a perscription for two a day for 10 days. Well she actually only got enough for 7 days. I don't know if the Dr. messed up or the drug store messed up. She had actually started to get better but ran out early. Then she had an appointment with the Dr. the day after she ran out but he was sick and she got a new appointment for the next week. By that time it was like she hadn't had any medicine at all. The broncitis just got worse. Now the Dr. told my Dad he didn't want to give her to many steroids because she was just diagnosed with diabetes and steroids raises the sugar levels. The Dr. said he was worried about the complications from diabetes(numbness in feet, kidney problems etc.). My Dad has been a diabetic for 30 years and I know the complications don't happen overnight. What's more important being able to breath or high sugar levels? I just keep thinking if she had gotten the right amount of steroids to begin with she would be here with me now. I'd love to get a copy of the prescription that was either filled wrong or written wrong. I don't want to sue but just show whoever screwed up that they were responsible for my Mom's death. Maybe they would learn to be more careful and it would save someone elses life.

When I first started typing this I wasn't sure if you should send the letter or not but now I think you should. The Dr should have had someone covering for him. When people are sick a day or two could make all the difference in the world. Wendy

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hi wendy, heather here, my mom also had severe COPD, along with many other problems. looking back on our situation, i think that maybe something else could have been done for her to help her. things should have been done differently and earlier than they were. my mom was on and off of steroids for 2 yrs, both IV's and pills. NEVER once did anyone mention about diabetes being a potential problem with the steroid "therapy"....as they called it. it was about 11 weeks before she died and she got diabetes and was hit hard. the machines didn't even read the numbers. i'm so sorry that your mom did not get the proper amount of meds. we rely on drs and pharmasists to give us the right things and do the right things. i think you can go back to the pharmacy and ask them to look up her medication list. that should tell you when and who filled it and the supposed amount/dose. also, ask them if they keep a copy of the script------somewhere. and see if it matches up. they should be able to do this for you in a short amount of time. we had a list printed out of all my mom's meds and their cost for our taxes so i know they can do at least that. and yes, the drs should have someone covering for them, no matter what..... even the veterinary drs have other offices covering. i am having my brother-in-law look at my moms most recent meds list and treatments and the such, to see if she was over medicated. i know she was. i am not going to sue anyone, i don't feel that would help. but letting the "professionals" know that this occured would make me feel better. i know that medicine is a practice and the "professionals" are human BUT.......... then i think about this, my mom suffered so much for so long. what if they did do some other type of treatment for her that "helped" her and she lived another year or so. ok.....but what about her quality of life????? would that mean that she would have to suffer that much longer???? probably, and i would not want that. i think about that all the time. i miss her so much and want her back but not if she is going to suffer. at least i know now she is happy, healthy and pain free. it is alot to think about. how long ago did your mom pass away??? mine was just over a yr. so, that is my story. take care. heather

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Heather, Wendy and everyone,

My Mom had COPD too. She had 1 lobe of right lung, or lung with 3 lobes removed in 1999. She also got developed asmtha after that. She used inhealers off and on after 1999. She had bronchitis when she died.

A lot of times the nublizer treatments will help the breathing. Also they put people on steroids for others reasons than breathing problems. They stimulate an appetite. They also use them for MS patients when they have an acute excerbation, usually in an IV.

How long do people have to be on them to increase the risk of diabetes? I know allergy medicines are steroids too, flonase etc too but they are not systemic steroids. The systemic ones are the dangerous ones.

Sometimes in addition to inhalers when a person with asthma starts to wheeze a lot they will use steroids too. My husband has allergy attacks a couple times a year due to mountain junipers. Sometimes he has to use the inhalers othertimes not. Once every 4 or 5 years he has to take the steroid pills for asthma/allergies.

At least the person I know on steroids due to anoxeria is 93 or 94. They all ready tried to take him off it. His appetite was still bad so they put him back on them. He does not have cancer or other health conditions I know of. He is just old.

They need to find other meds to help with breathing problems that they use steroids for. I think long term use also contributes to osteoporosis. I know long term use has lots of bad side effects. I wonder what else they use steroids for for long term use? I know they reduce inflammation.

Yes I think there are other medications they can use. They may cost more or not be as effective. Maybe they can't use them because they interact with other medications for some people.

I think a lot of sick people must not get the treatments they need when they need them. For too many people US health care is hodge poge. A lot of it is due to what Medicare and Medicaid will cover and how much the doctors, hospitals etc are reinbursed for. and family members of the older sick people can not always be physically present in the hospital, at home etc.

Somedays I feel like life stinks and then you die applies. I try not to think that way but it is hard at times.

Trish

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hi mctripat. i am in no way a medical professional but i know just a little from taking care of my mom. there are steriods in the nebulizer treatments and also in the inhalers. my mom had to take nebulizer tx every 4 hrs and the inhalers 4x a day. she had 3 different inhalers. she was on prenisone pills at home too. yes, steriods can/does stimulate the appetite. they do have hard effects on your other major organs with long term uses. how long do people have to be on the to increase the risk of diabetes???????? i personally do not know the answer. maybe it depends on the dosage and of course the problems of the person. my mom got diabetes the last 11 weeks of her life. it did help her to a point but i do wish there was something else that was available for my mom. maybe it also depends on the person's insurance as to what meds they are given. the family can't always afford to pay out of pocket. those are just my thoughts. heather

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daisysdaughter

Hi Heather and Trish. It's kind of strange that all of our Mom's had COPD. My Mom just passed away on 2/10/05. Right now I guess I am being selfish and want her back even if she was still sick. My Mom was doing really good until early December and then she got broncitis. I just think the Dr. should have given her the steroids where you start at 4 for so many days then 3,2 etc. and finish up in a couple of weeks. When the hospital finally did this her broncitis went away. Unfortunately the broncitis had made her breathing so bad it caused her to have a minor heart attack which caused congestive heart failure. They had just found out she had diabetes when she came down with broncitis. While she was in the hospital the steroids did raise her sugar level to almost 300 sometimes but I still think that is better for a couple of weeks then not being able to breath. They gave her insulin in the hospital and she was on pills at home. My Mom had excellent insurance so that wasn't the problem. I really don't think they are able to do enough for people with COPD. I really don't think there is enough research done. COPD is a disease you really don't hear about very often unless you know someone that has it. Good luck to both of you. Thank you. Wendy

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ramblinroze

Hello Everyone;

Strange but my moms had COPD too. She ended up dying in May 29, 1997. She had Cancer which the Dr's did cure but she died from the treatment. She was only 58 years old and I feel like it was just yesterday. I lost my dad I was pregnant with my oldest son in 1989. My moms was my best friend and I miss her so much. Now I have met and married a wonderful man who's wonderful mother is dying and I am one of the primary caregivers again. I don't know how I am going to do it again. I thought I was done with that part of life. I wouldn't have anyone else care for her but sometimes it's hard. It really seems like losing my moms all over again.

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Last week I was crying for every dead animal on the road. This week I hate everything. I'm just sick of paperwork, people hanging on like vultures, etc. etc. I just cleaned my mom's house and I feel like I'm dying of claustrophobia from the things I had to bring home. I want to throw everything away, but I know better. (it sure is tempting though)

Sorry to vent, Has anyone else felt this way?

Cindy

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hi ramblinroze. i'm so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. obviously this situation brings back many memories and feelings for you. my grandmother died in 1989 form cancer and she also had COPD. she wasted away to nothing and was in alot of pain. my mom took care of her at home and held her as she died. i helped to care for my mom and i can say the same thing that my mom said..... we would do it again in a heartbeat. as hard as it is in so many different ways, we would do it again. and it seems like you are in that possition now. this is your opportunity to give your mother-in-law the best thing you can......your love and care and your compassion and support. does she know that someone is coming to see her at the end of the month??? if not, i personally would tell her. she may wait for them. and do tell her it is ok to go. tell her the family will be ok and she may need to hear that. i'm sure you know all of these things already. the hospice people are really so kind and helpful. you are blessed to have them. keep posting here when you feel the need. i wish you all the best. heather

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ramblinroze

Heather

I keep telling my MIL that she did a good job with her 6 boys and got them all married to good women who will take care of them. She doesn't feel like there is any unfinished business. I am getting my first college degree at the end of May and I think she may be trying to hold on to that because she had promised me she would be there. I did tell her that I would still walk at graduation if she wasn't there because she wants me to so badly. Sometimes she talks to me more than the boys because I have been through it before and although they lost their dad a few years ago, it was in an accident and they did not have to watch him die. It is hard on all of them I know. cara

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lostwithouthismom

hi everyone :)

this is my first chance to post in a while as i have been keeping *busy* the past 3 weeks with my cousins and sister.it looks like theres alot of new faces around here and not so much of the older ones.i hope thats a good thing.i just got home 2 days ago and i guess its that time again where im clean and i start to reflect on my life and how i let it get to where i am somedays.i think of my mom everyday and miss her terribly like only you people could imagine.i dont want to forgot about my mother and everything she meant to me but somedays are just so incomplete without her and i feel so sad about what she had to endure for so long that i just dont really want to think about what happened to her.i know thats why i abuse my mind and do the things i do to try and numb the pain and just forgot about the past.the past 3 weeks have been out of control and i even got my sister doing stuff when i went to visit her.it hurts me deeply when i see my sister using because i care about her so much yet i still choose to do it with her.it seems that days that i do use all my ambition in life and everything positive inside me just gets drained out.when i left my sisters place 3 days ago i told her i was gonna take a break for a while.she was skeptical about what i said because she knows me better then anything alive and knows firsthand how deep i sink when i use.well im here now and all i can do is try again.i dont want to numb the pain anymore.i dont like myself when i use and i know im like a different person when i use.im sure even some of you can sence this a little.sorry to come back and just drop all this stuff on you guys but i needed to get this off my conscious and i do feel a little better right now having done so.

last night i had a couple dreams with my mom in them.one in particular had my sister and i and we were back at our old home where we used to live when our mom was still here.in my dream my mother was flying home from one of her work trips and she called us to let us know to pick her up at the airport.i found myself driving to the airport and when i got there i went inside to get her but she wasnt there.i remember walking around the airport looking for her but she wasnt there.the dream pretty much ended there or at least thats all i could remember when i woke up.my moms 3 year anniversary is coming up at the end of next month and i dont know what im going to do.i want to go visit her grave that day and just stay there and reflect and be at peace with myself there but i dont know if im ready or how i'll handle that day when it comes.i know for her 2nd anniverary it was a dark rainly day and i took the easy way out that day.the few of you who know me know i could keep writing for days but for right now thats all i can say right now.

g2g for now but talk to everyone again

cliff ;)

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frmijac1211

Hi, My name is Fred, I'm 35 years old. My mother died suddenly on July 18th, 2004. She was 66 years old. It was unexpected and sudden, she died in her sleep. They said she had died from hardening of the arteries which caused conjestive heart failure and probably a stroke. My mother was a heavy smoker but besides that pretty much healthy. Its been only 8 months since she passed away and i miss her more every day. She was my everything in life, she was my best friend. She was always there for me, whether to listen or rescue me from a bad situation in my life. I was living at home with my parents when she passed away, its hard to explain the relationship I had with my mom. She was such a great person, friendly, caring, smart, and loved her children very much. My sister was due to have her first child in September. I can still remember how happy my mother was when she found out she was going to be a grandmother. But she never got to see our beautiful little Ana Claire. My sister named her after my mother. The problem I am having is first dealing with this loss, then cause two weeks after my mom had died, the person I was seeing dumped me for someone else, tormented me in my time of grief, pressed charges against me and on top of all that, in November , 3 weeks before Christmas I got fired from my job. I feel like people are expecting me to just forget about what has happened to me and just put a smile on my face and go on about my life. I feel like everyone is abandoning me when I need their understanding the most. I don't have the strength to deal with this and may seek help from a doctor. I just don't know which way to turn, i feel my life just slipping away.

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Hi everyone,

Its been awhile since Ive been here.Im still finding it hard getting out of the bed...June 18th it will be one year.I just got out of the hospital(again).My heart valve is bad,and eventually I will have to have a new one.I now have a knot in the bone of my wrist,and have to have a biopsy.Since my legs and arms have been hurting so, so bad they are afraid of cancer.Im scared, because Mom was only 47,and Im 30 now.I just have had so many health problems since Mom died.Im sorry I havent dropped in and let you all know Im still here and alive...Im just having a very hard time right now.But I have thought about you all and hoped you all were OK....Ill talk to you guys later....frmijac1211,Im sorry for your loss.Mom died in her sleep also exactly one month before your Mom.Ill say a prayer for you...

Tracy

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I loved my mother more than anything in the world and I miss her every minute.

But isn't anyone else angry. I don't know what for, but just angry and sick of dealing with the paperwork and disposing of their stuff.

Am I crazy or what?

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No,your not crazy. I am also angry..I miss my Mom everyday also, all I do is cry. I cant even get rid of any of her belongings.I still have her used stick of deodrant.Now Im the one whos crazy.I cant bring myself to throw away one thing that belongs to Mom.She was the only one in my life who was always there for me no matter what,and now even though Im married,sometimes I feel so alone.I know what your going through hun...and Im angry also. I think why did God have to take my 47 year old Mom?She was such a kind hearted woman,who worked overtime to give money every month to ST.Judes Children Hospital.I admired her so much, and even though I am 30 years old,I still want my Mom.YES, I am so mad that shes gone...

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Hi everyone!

I'm the new community coordinator for Beyond Indigo and wanted to introduce myself.

I am terribly sorry for everyone's loss. I am glad to see you all here sharing your experience, strength and hope. I really hope you all continue to heal each day and share your progress with us.

Take Care,

Julie

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frmijac1211

Hi All,

TracyJ, Thank you for your thoughts. You are in my prayers also. I can relate to you when you said that you still have the used stick of deoderant. I've found there are two types of grievers. One that wants to get rid of everything that was the person's like clothes, etc. ,then there is the type of person who wants to hold on to whatever they can that is a rememberance of the person. I asked my father if he wouldn't touch anything until I had a chance to go through it first. I kept her hairbrush, eyeglasses, a blouse that she always wore, her make up bag and her high school ring that I wear on a chain around my neck, everyday. I sometimes look at her picture and at first I cry then I get this sudden rush of being afraid. Almost like reality kicks in and I realize she's not here anymore. I don't think my tears will ever stop, I am so lost without my best friend. If you ever get the chance, there's a beautiful song by Lionel Richie called Goodbye. Listen to the words, my mom actually turned me on to this song. I play it all the time when I need to just let out a good long cry. I'm thinking of you all, your in my prayers.

Fred

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My love and prayers are with everyone.

Thanks TracyJ. I guess this is triply hard for me. I had a brother 13 years older than me. Between us my parents had a stillborn son and a daughter that lived 3 days. Then there was me. My only living brother died in an accident when I was two.

My father died in 1980 but my mother didn't really get rid of his things. My mother died in February. They had lived in the same house for 60 years and never threw anything away. I've had to remove everything quickly becuase it's now a bad neighborhood and someone has already tried breaking in.

I feel like I'm losing three people. There are items still left from my brother, father and mother. I so wish I had a sibling to help me with this and I"m very angry with God that he took my brother at only 15 years. I've always hated being an only child.

I feel guilty for complaining. There are so many others in worse positions than I am. But I'm still hurt and angry.

Thanks for your reply. I needed it.

C

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