Loss of a Mother

[lostwithoutu]

Thank you for your response. I am very familiar with people who have addictive personalities. One of my best friends is a heroin addict and another an alcoholic. I do not understand it but I do know they are good people. I knew them before they were addicts and I support their positive choices in any way I can. I will always be their friend. I am angry because someone's bad decision killed my mother. I understand that addicts are not happy people, but this doesn't justify the death of my mother. She was innocent and did not deserve to be taken from this world by someone who couldn't find it within themselves to control thier behaviour. I believe MADD is Mothers against drunk driving. I do not believe this woman was drunk. Heroin is most likely the drug involved. I'm also pretty sure that both her (the driver) and the passenger are in the hospital. From what I understand they were both in critical condition and it's only been almost 3 months since the accident. I thank you for your response and for your suggestions. A bursary has been set up at the University she graduated from that is to go to a single parent entering the faculty of education. I'd much rather carry on my mother's memory this way, but I may change my tune once the anger and hurt subsides a little.

Lexie

[swede1]

...she really is gone. Every flower I plant from here on out, I can never share it with her. It's left to my memories alone. I wish things had been different with my brothers and I, wish they had done things the right way for her. Wish I didn't feel like I can't even send a christmas card or make a phone call anymore to them. They've made me feel like I've never belonged, after all these years, now I'm the half sister!. I wonder what my Mother would think about that now...

I saw a little old lady in the supermarket and had to turn around and choke up tears. She was all bent over like my Mother, hair the same color, had to be about the same age. Panic went through me, My Mom is gone. Sometimes I can be eating a special dish and then it will hit me and I'll nearly choke, how she loved this...

Dear Connie, and Everyone Else here, too,

Well, it's been so busy on this thread lately that I just can't keep up and though I'd like to reply to so much of what all of you have written so far, I just don't have that much time right now. But what you said here, Connie, really hit home for me. The whole first paragraph brings up all those feelings of emptiness that surround my days now, now that the shock has worn off for good. "Left to my memories alone..." ~ that's it exactly. Since I have no kids, or even a younger sister, I can't even pass on any wisdom learned, traditions or even ways of doing things to another female of the family, as the only ones were me and my Mom. Part of what makes life seem so pointless now. The only nephew who's left ( and not estranged ) is my dead brother's son, who is emotionally a little odd and because I don't contact his mother ( because I hate her and she's frightening ), it's a lost cause anyway. There's nothing, and no one left for me. What good are MY memories, I wonder, if they're just in my head, with no one to care about them? SO lonely a feeling!

And yes, seeing another elderly woman really triggers things for me, too. I always have this great URGE to approach them and hug the stuffin' out of them, as if it IS my Mom, or she could feel that hug transferred somehow, from a look-a-like person. But then I realize if I were to engage this other woman in conversation ( which is a more NORMAL thing to do! lol ), I'd end up crying right in front of her. So I just look from afar, which only increases those feelings of stunning emptiness. It also reminds me of all the opportunities for demonstrating my love to my Mom that I passed by on so many occasions...and I feel like a piece of crap, not having learned the lessons soon enough, not being able to get past much of our past relationship dynamics, not feeling comfortable in my own skin to just be myself in front of my Mom....the whole world of ME that she missed out on....the whole world of HER that she couldn't share with me because of her problems. They're all just forms of pining for the chances that are no more, to resolve the differences and build a better relationship with her. My Mom, my dear Mom...she's nowhere that I can see or touch, yet she's IN me.

[tara12]

HELLO ALL ,

well IAM WEIRD RIGHT NOW and feel really trippy and out of it with my adrenaline. i HAVE NOT BEEN SLEEPINg NAD TOO MANY THINGS TRYING TO DO AND ORganise and feel run down and wired beyond being able to think and moody and angry as well HAD MY COmputer crash and got it fixed and then spent hours and hours on it trying to find things after a long day till 8pm working and then no dinner till midnight , then woke again at 4am , and tried again, cant damn get my printer to install , which i really need right now as I have so much work , so I am very tried and frustrated and inconsolable right now... felling all things are hitting me and catching up on me and my mum's death is really knocking me around right now and my dad as well ... worrying about him and feeling like i don't know what to do and cant let go ....

ahhhhhhhh... hope i feel better ,cause right now i feel like crap and can feel all the adrenaline running mad in my system and cant take much more and scared i will loose it and have work on alllday and runnning all over the place and desperately need something , but dont know what... and its all urgent and right now and i cant do it ... no answers either , no solution to this , .. panic .........

hope next time i come on here i am better , hold me in your prayers.

as i do for you .... hang in there everyone !

[clittlelady]

TARA12:

Sometimes it just seems like all the stuff happens at once to see how much we can take, doesn't it? Sounds like it was your turn today. Sorry. Breathe!!! You Hang in there, better days are ahead for you. You are Important! You are Special! Just got to get through these days. I've always heard bad things happen to good people. Shoot the Printer! LOL. Mine prints when it dang well feels like it.

I'm not feeling too good, have had a fever now for about a week, missed work today and I NEVER miss work. Don't feel like I can sit up too long, so this will be short. The Sofa is beckoning me back to my spot.

Please Be Well. We all need you. God Bless..... Til next time... Connie

[clittlelady]

Hi DEEWITHGREENEYES and SEPTEMBERSPAIN:

Today will be brief, as I'm really feeling sick and missed work today and that NEVER happens. Low grade fever for a week, be glad when I feel "Good" again. Just wanted to tap in for a minute and let you know you are all important to me. Appreciate your presence here, even when we're having down days.

Hopefully tomorrow I will resurface into health. I hate laying around. I'm a doer. I lay around and think of all I could be doing if only my get up and go would get up.

God Bless you all.... Connie

[clittlelady]

LOSTWITHOUTU:

So sorry for all you are going through, your pain of loss and the heartache of the facts you've received. My Brother, Glynn, died 22 years ago at the age of 37, due to someone else's negligence and their need for alcohol. She paid a $25.00 unsafe lane change ticket, because her ex husband was a police officer in the small town this tragic Motor Cycle wreck occurred. My Anger was so strong for so long, that to them, his life was worth so little. She or her family never contacted us for any condolences. He left two little girls behind and our Mother was never the same with his grief. I finally sat down and wrote her a letter and got all my feelings out on paper to her and also enclosed photos of my brother and his family. Don't know if it ever penetrated her heart and showed her the impact of her actions, but it helped me.

God Bless you through this time. You're not alone here.

[clittlelady]

SWEDE1:

So glad to hear from you. I'm not feeling very well right now, fighting some bug I guess. So this will be abbreviated, otherwise I could chat with you a while. There is still a purpose for you in this life. You have so much heart and life's experiences behind your belt. The people you have to touch, may not be right at your front door, but you definitely have so much wisdom to share.

My Husband is working Christmas Day and my son and his girlfriend will be here a while, but they will be spending some of the day with her parents as well. I've decided that once they're gone, I refuse to sit here alone. I'm taking off to one of the local nursing homes and love on somebody who has no one. I have to. I have to give myself. I know it won't be easy for me, but what endless lonely days so many of them live. My Grandparents were in nursing homes for some time and I vowed Mother would never go and thank God, she spent her last days at home.

Please make a pact with me. If you plan to be alone for Christmas, for whatever reasons, Please find someone who does need a friend, does need your company and share your heart. I hear your heartache and your pain and disappointment, but I also hear the sparkle and love in your words. We're still here and we still have a purpose as long as we are. There is a new year ahead of us, there is hope and promise that if we're here, we can still love and give ourself.

God Bless you My Friend. Will talk later when feeling a little better.

Connie

[septemberspain]

I DID IT!!!!! I FINALLY DECORATED THE @^%*&@% Christmas tree and I decorated the house!!!!! That had to be the hardest thing I've encountered in this grief journey. I took out the box of decorations and had a MELT DOWN my mom replaced all her store bought ornaments with all of her own handmade ornaments oh my God the beads the ribbons and bows are soooo beautiful. Then she made all 4 of her children and the 5 grandchildren stockings with our names I was so filled with happiness and yet at the same time I was crying I called my sister and brother to ask if they wanted some of them (I'm still being nice lol) and they both told me they didn't know if they could handle that just yet. Well I'm off to some more decorating but first I have to go to Home Depot, I ran out of power staples LOL!!!!

Have a good evening and I look forward to chatting with you soon. Happy Holidays and wishing you comfort and peace to you. And that's sealed with a hug!

[clittlelady]

WAY TO GO! SEPTEMBERSPAIN!.... I'll be once your adrenaline got moving, you'd laugh and cry. That's what I did. My husband and I took our dogs walking around the neighborhood the other night and enjoyed all the lights and decorations, all the hard work our neighbors had put into their yards. It was a refreshing time, brought back lots of good memories.

HOME DEPOT??? That's my store! I can spend a little there. Glad to know you got it accomplished. It's going to come and it's going to go so quick. We're going to make it.

More to share later... Til next time.....

[tara12]

HELLO ,

not doimg so good , tired angry frsutrated nothing working , shitty , , just got my computer back and nothing is working properly , frsutrated , printer broke , and files lost , major ones and feeling really at my edge of tolerance and depressed, think i am stuffing things up and making mistakes , got this big thing happening and think i will blow it ... totally , sent wrong files to people really frustrating .........

damn .... really really bad

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all...septemberspain and clittlelady, glad you're both doing well. Those beautiful lights will really make you feel good. I came across mom's decorations too, gave them to my daughter. My mom had the complete little town going, kids remember it from when they were small so I gave it to them to enjoy. Pass it down to the grandkids. As for myself I have just been laying low. Getting ready to go to my daughter's for her surgery. Scheduled for 8:30 AM on the 22nd. Trying to get strong mentally and emotionally for everyone. I will have my grandson's for a few days this week and we are going to make Christmas cookies. They are 4 and 6. Have a great day....Tara, I am sorry things are strung out for you now. Remember just go with the flow. Tree's that bend in the wind don't break...those that don't bend...break. We don't want you to break....so go with the flow. If you feel like crap....feel like crap. If you feel good...feel good. No right or wrong with any of it....

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all...septemberspain and clittlelady, glad you're both doing well. Those beautiful lights will really make you feel good. I came across mom's decorations too, gave them to my daughter. My mom had the complete little town going, kids remember it from when they were small so I gave it to them to enjoy. Pass it down to the grandkids. As for myself I have just been laying low. Getting ready to go to my daughter's for her surgery. Scheduled for 8:30 AM on the 22nd. Trying to get strong mentally and emotionally for everyone. I will have my grandson's for a few days this week and we are going to make Christmas cookies. They are 4 and 6. Have a great day....Tara, I am sorry things are strung out for you now. Remember just go with the flow. Tree's that bend in the wind don't break...those that don't bend...break. We don't want you to break....so go with the flow. If you feel like crap....feel like crap. If you feel good...feel good. No right or wrong with any of it....

[deewithgreeneyes]

I wanted to share with you all that my mom's plaque finally came in. I wanted to share with all of you what we inscribed on it. It also has been inscribed on a plaque that is attached to a tree at the wolf center. It says "I am the whisper of the wind,listen to my voice, live in my peace", I am the whisper of the wind, quietly, peacefully...you'll find me, you'll find me."

[deewithgreeneyes]

My Christmas gift to all of you...this was sent to me today...I want to send it to you...authorunkown to me.

When someone you love dies, a part of yourself dies too. For as much as the one you loved did not belong to you, your heart belonged to them. You were a part of each other.There is a physical hurt within you. It is real as the emptiness that surrounds you. You wonder how you will walk in a world that no longer holds the footprints of your loved one. You will wonder how the world can go on when your world has stopped. You will speak silently in the language of tears as your heart seeks to understand what it cannot. Spiritual thoughts, religious beliefs, and philosophy may not take away the hurt. But the power of love will comfort you.Love will be found in the hearts of those who surround you and care about you. People who have been in the place of sadness where you are now, will be there for you.The sun will continue to rise and the moon and the stars will still light the heavens. You will begin the sacred daily ritual of remembering. Your grief will become your companion, the part of you that is compassionate and strong and deep.In your suffering you will be given the greatest challenges you will ever have. To be able to accept what life gives, and what life takes away. And to be able to accept the mysteries that are a part of life. Peace will come to your days. Peace may come with the early morning sunlight streaming in your window, or peace may come with the song of one bird. With time the veil of sorrow will life. Peace will come to your heart and you will know this love we share is an eternal gift. You will see what is most precious and most sacred is the love we share with others. This love lives forever.

[septemberspain]

When someone you love dies, a part of yourself dies too. For as much as the one you loved did not belong to you, your heart belonged to them. You were a part of each other.There is a physical hurt within you. It is real as the emptiness that surrounds you. You wonder how you will walk in a world that no longer holds the footprints of your loved one.

Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks for sharing that with me Dee.

Hi all, how was everyone's day? My days are getting more and more confusing to say the least. My father and his new wife are here for the holidays and as sad as it is to admit this I could skip this visit all together. I really wish I could explain why I feel this way towards him yeah I have a real dysfunctional family if I must say so myself. My siblings asked me what I was going to get her for a gift. The sad thing is I have no ill feeling towards her, or him I just keep hearing the accusations my mom made during their recent bitter divorce and I'm capable of adding up things and yeah even though accusations that were made in the beginning of their separation I didn't and refuse to believe are appearing to be true alot of things my mom told me during her last weeks here are happening and it is driving me crazy!!!! It's like my mom was right about everything she said would happen after her death sort of like she already knew things and I can't stop the feelings of why didn't I believe her when she was here. I'm just happy that we were able to talk and work thru our differences and she died knowing that I believed her. But the sadest part was she died from cancer but she also died with a broken heart.

Sorry, enough about this dysfunctional family that belongs to me. I am starting to feel angry and then I start to rable and vent and vent and cuss and when I cuss I have to smoke and since I promised mom I would give smoking up I'm going to go and find something to do.

I'll come back when these feelings pass LOL!

Robbin

[deewithgreeneyes]

Robbin...don't light up, you and I have got to stick together on this. I smoked too for a long time, mom too. Doc said that is a big reason mom got CA of the bladder...I smoke too...heart attack city from that at 49! I am gaining weight like crazy...but haven't lit up, thought about it though ALOT!

[tara12]

Hello DEE AND CLITTLE AND ALL .........

i am doing better , this grief thing tears you up sometimes and i think it being 6 weeks now , and the fact 2 weeks after she died that my dad had his heart atatck and that i came back to work and then so much going on with so many areas of life , good and bad all at once, i think it got too much and i sortve just lost if there for a day or two , so I am ok now , better and yes , i need rest and time out ..... thanks for reminding me... and however we are is just fine and normal its a hard time , very hard and with xmas as well , it brings up feelings and also for me I am sad my mum could not be here to see i got this award .... anyway .... it is better today , today is all i have , right ONE DAY AT A TIME ....

so DEE, I loved the words on the plaque , made me cry , so beautiful , awwwwwwww.... so so very sweet and real and moving ... thanks for sharing this .....

talk soon, hang in there everyone ok.

[clittlelady]

TO ALL MY FRIENDS HERE: Glad to speak with you again, to have on more chance to say to you TARA12, Yes, HATE those days you can't seem to win or do anything right in, hate those days that run your life, instead of you running them. Get those emotions right out there and let them dissolve in the wind. Vent it, don't save it. Each day one of here has a different day, a good one, a bad one. And when they're kicking you around, it's okay to admit it. But I believe those days will get less and less in number as time goes by. My Mother had a saying, "It's Hard to Keep a Good Woman Down." And in the day she live in and through, that statement was meant for the toughest of the tough. That's what we've become to survive these emotions that would otherwise suck us right under a pool of water and drown the life right out of us. We Are Going to Survive. You do what you must for your Father and we will continue to be here to support you in that. Do what you must for you to allow your grief of your mother to continue. So many things we wish could have been different, would have been nice IF. Could have done this IF... But TODAY is what we're given TODAY. You're a very intelligent woman with so much to share. Be Strong. Be Wise. Know we depend on your friendship and support.

God Bless until next time>>>

[septemberspain]

Ok Dee I didn't smoke but I can't promise you I'll make it through the day.... it's getting tougher and tougher.

I have a question. Why when a love one dies do the surviving people act so horrible????? I am so sick and tired of all this crap. My siblings are just out of control. They are so freaking concerned with what my mom left to my younger sister that it is so crazy. Mom changed her beneficary to name my youngest sister (who still lived at home with my mom and by the way who gets SSI) to recieve her pension etc. My younger sister is dividing what ever she is entittled to 4 ways to keep peace. My younger sister and I live at the house but for the life of me I can't figure out why the need for confusion. The talking behind each others back, the constant need to keep shyt going is really making me remember why I lived in another state. The thing is I have always had a relationship with each of them but for some reason or another the four of us never had the combined relationship (I hope I'm not confusing you here) I HATE the drama that is happening and I know damn well my mom is tossing in her grave. When my mom asked who would look after my sister once she was gone I was the only one that stepped up to the plate and assured my mom I would look after my sister and make sure she was ok. I mean when my mom called us to tell us about her being sick (she didn't know how sick she really was) I left my home 10 hours away from here to come and then when I found out how bad this shyt really was I couldn't return home, I had only taken a week vacation because as I said I didn't know and I am far from being rich so my being here was purely uncompensated. While I was taking care of our mom, I had to give up my residence, I had to quit my job, and be here and the day after my mom died my dad and sister would throw up in my face that I had no money and no job so they tried to treat me like I was some freakin bum. Did I let that stop me from continuing to look after my sister and handle my mom's affairs NOPE! I know I have to do right for my youngest sister and help her. But how do you help when family (sister,brother and father) constantly keep shyt going???? I am the type of person who will up and disappear and I will tell you where I'm at I'll even call you, but I try to live a drama stress free life. I am soooooo ready to skip this place but I can't leave my youngest sister to do this alone not yet anyway. I have gotten to the point where I would rather skip all communication with them and stay in my own little corner of the world.

I know I'm venting and rightfully angry but this is getting a little too much even for me lol. Any advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated because 2006 isn't going to find me here still going through this! (And yeah I do know that I can get serious jail time for killing them so I don't have to hear this crap anymore)

[septemberspain]

OOOOOOOO maybe I should have added a disclaimer to my last post lol. I would never intentionally harm anyone........but there is an exception to everyrule (insert wicked grin here)

I am so glad that I copy and paste my post here cause the last one disappeared again. Memo to myself learn to type faster lol

Have a good day all

Robbin

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Robbin, I am sorry that your are feeling so much frustration, I know how you feel, Drama...who needs it. I have seen through all this, that death brings out the worst in everyone. I really believe it brings out anger (which everyone deals with differently) old jealousies, resentments, denial of what life really was before the person passed, meaning dysfunctions etc. For some reason we feel the need to see our lives through rose colored glasses after a loved one has passed, especially our mom's. Maybe because our mom's were the matriarchs of the family and it hurts to bad now to admit things were dysfunctional. I don't know. The only thing I can say is that when the drama begins remember not to focus on the problem...focus on the solution.It sounds to me that you are doing a great job trying to stay out of the drama and keeping your little space of the world serene. Also I commend you for seeing your sister through this and watching her back. You're a good person (I can tell through your writing, and 100% up front) that is commendable too. My dad always told me...if the ground is shakeing, don't move. Wait until it stops and make your move...then you won't fall, your steps will be planted firmly on the ground. The ground is still shaking......I lost my job and wages also to take care of mom. I had to move from the placeI loved as well. The all time relationship I thought I had plummeted to sh_t also but now I am glad it ended. He never loved me anyway, just used and abused. He has been calling and hanging up everyday this week. I won't answer the phone as I know he is drunk and won't make any sense anyway. I want and need more and as soon as the ground stops shaking I pray I will find it again with someone who can love. Have a good day everyone!

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi everyone...you know Ihave something I would like to share with all of you. I just got off line with Robbin and was thinking about my family. My cousin (who lives down the street) literally down the street 1 mile NEVER got her fat you know what over here to help. My mom gave and gave to her and her family and she(my cousin)kept on and on about how much she loved my mom. BUT she never showed up....she was absolutely AWOL, busy with her little life of waltzing around her million dollar home and going home after work and being alone because SHE LIKES being alone. Course, she really isn't because she still has here two grown children living with her (grown meaning in their 20's). Anyway, I have really been pissed about this. I mean absolutely no help......nothing. Well now, little missy sold her million dollar house (really a million dollars) and is stressing and whining about finding another place to live....oh, I might add she is stressing and whining because she has to pack by herself. She can kiss my ___ if she thinks I will lifet one finger to help her out. And why is she packing her house by herself without her kids helping? because she has taught them to be self centered and selfish with their time...they leaned from the best...their own mom. Actually, I deliberately called her after E mailing Robbin and rubbed in salt in a wound saying I was having a wonderful day today...while she whined and complained about moving. There...I am no saint that is for sure. See....anger, resentment, jealousy...mostly resentment and anger has made my roaring head raise up!

[deewithgreeneyes]

O.K. it's me again....just venting like we do. I am having a very rough day today, hate these ups and downs. I am trying so hard to get into the holiday's and I can't. My grandboy's are coming tomorrow so I have stockings stuffed, packages wrapped and cookies were are going to bake for the family.....but in my heart I just want to break down and cry. Every year mom and I would watch the old "Christmas Carol" together...a tradition. Popcorn, egg nog...just us two since 1980. Now I don't even want to see it advertised on TV anymore. I was in cleaning her room...boy's will be playing in there...bummed totally bummed. I can't afford to live here, to expensive to keep up, my kid's live where it is really expensive...can't even rent there, want to go back to my old life. My old life that I grew up with was rodeo, horses, outdoors. I miss it so much and have an opportunity to move back to the area I loved but that means moving from my kids and grandkids. I will really be alone. Yet, I am so unhappy here where I am, it just is not me, I find no peace, just chaos spiritually and emotionally. Like all of you I am mad at members of my family (except my kids) and just don't want to have anything to do with them. They all were useless, totally useless when mom was sick and I resent it almost to the point of hate. I know it sounds mean to say but I am going to say it....I can't wait until the one's that are my age and start losing things and people know how I feel. You know why?....I won't be there for them. I'll just say "Yep, it hurts...where were you when I needed support and help with my mom?" Seriously....When mom was sick it was just me, my daughter and my friend Jill. She would come up and stay for weeks at a time, so would my daughter. They made sure I was never here alone after my heart attack. The other's? I don't know where the hell they were. Selfish primadonna's.

[tara12]

thanks for yoUR WORDS dee , potent reminder for us all , acceptance and patience of ourselves and others in all our humnan ways .... I know this , i know cause i was transformed through my journey with my mum and she with me and in the end no matter the crap , no matter the hurt , only love remains . one of her last things she said to me , very strongly , was I do love you .... and me her .... and she stuggled solong and hard with her demons of regret and pain for realising how hard and cold and even sruel she had been in different ways over our life shared , esp , when i was young.... and this is gone , she even in those last hours struggled with this and i tried to let her know it was ok , cause yes we are human and thats what humans do , we make mistakes , we hurt people sometimes , mostly noone means to .... noone wants to suffer or cuase suffering , even if it seems they do . its always due to past expereinces and shaping of their life , passed on to us or to others , unresolved hurts , fears , or even just ignornace ... but all of us I truly belive just wish for love and accpetance .. just sometimes we are blind and forget and act badly ..... i saw this totally with my mum , and it was a hard won transformation into love , very deep spritual real love for each other that I fought for and put up with crap for over ten years ... then in the last 3 , it turned around until in the end , it was me with her , me she wanted , me she knew loved her unconditionally and I knew she saw me for who I am and thjat she loved me unconditionally as well..... the regrets are we didn't have this all along , that we didn't hold each other more when she could , and yet , if this had not all happened , i would not be who i AM NOW , I WOULD NOT BE AS STRONG AS i AM AND I WOULD NOT BE AS COMPASSIONATE AS i am.... the hard times the tests are the things we grew from towards this everlasting love , that remains clear and close to my heart , she is with me always ....

so , yes , we are human , we will have bad days , good days , hard days , injustice , hurts , people do and will be jealous , callous , cruel at times ,ignorant , thoughtless selfish , as are we all sometimes to someone , ut always , rememeber this is not the main part of who we are , we are so much more , can be so much more , we can transform everything with LOVE .... TRULY....

I LOVE YOU ALL... FOR YOUR DEPTH AND PAIN AND HEALING , SHARING THIS JOURNEY... DEE , WE WILL MEET , we must , when i come ... for sure ....

keep in touch .. everyone stay strong and know the universe is there to support us , just ask , pray , feel , know your not alone , even when we feel we are ...........

be well.....

[clittlelady]

HELLO TO EVERYONE:.....

I've read all your posts today and SEPTEMBERSPAIN, No, great bodily harm is not an option, LOL, but just trust in this, that everyone will have a judgement day. For all of us who have felt the greediness of "Family", usually those who are around the least and have done the least for the one we are grieving for, we suffer now, but they will suffer LATER. I believe you treat someone wrong, there are consequences to pay.

LOVE is an ACTION word, unfortunately, many of our dear family aren't aware of that. LOVE is something you DO.

It seems so many of us understand that when you need them the most, it all falls apart. I'm not so sure people change. I'm beginning to believe they just become more like themselves when death occurs.

I've just spent the entire day helping my cousin, who lost her Mom, my Mother's sister, this last March, just six months before my Mother passed away. She had moved here from three states away to help take care of her mother. Three other siblings who all live here, but no time, too busy with their own lives. As soon as my aunt was gone, everyone was in such a hurry to sell the house and "split the proceeds", not caring that it was an enormous undertaking for her having just been here less than four months, on a new job when my Aunt died, and had nowhere to go. Everybody was reading to take her in until she could purchase her own home, that is, until the sale of the my Aunt's home actually took place. Now she's scrambling to store everything she had and just go from cousin to cousin's home until she can find a home in her budget to purchase. So Friends, the stories gone on and on. So many selfish people. As I was helping remove the last few things from my Aunt's home, I couldn't help but remember the warm talks we shared and the way she was always "in my corner". She was one of my Mother's younger sisters. She had emphysema. Her mind was sharp until the end. She was more chatty with me actually in the last two the three years than my Mother, as far as her mental status. I loved her so and miss her. She and Mother were so jealous of each other, but yet loved each other and talked every other day and were mad at each other on the "other" days. It was comical. They would each call me and tell me what the other "had the nerve to say!". Mother was the oldest of the eight children in her family and outlived all but her youngest brother. As I was cleaning up my Aunt Maxine's house, I knew if she were there, she would be right behind me, telling me what I had done wrong or missed. They were characters.

You Guys are all a Blessing to me. Thanks for being here and hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone.

God Bless. Connie

[tara12]

Hello CLITTLE.

Y es , maybe we become more of who we are when we die , I think so , in terms of the deepest wish the person had of who they strived to be , u know , without all the crap .... maybe this seems like a transformation , as in my mums case , as she became more loving , softer and more open and I clearley could see a very good person who tried hard to be a decent human , but who like all or most of us , had a lot of stuff in the way most of the time.. till pain and suffering and age and ill health came and then after a long BATTLE ,with that , with the body , with losing independence , dignity , movement ect... finally death. I understand what we mean now when people have been ill and we call it a battle ... cause in many ways at times it must be just like a battle , and fighting with " demons " such as doubts and fear and anger ect... what a purification if you see it that way as well... but ultimately what ever meaning we ascribe , also incredibly sad and painful ,. imagine having to say good bye to everyting , your body , your own mind , your memories , the trees , the feeling of love , seeing people , everyone u know NEVER again... knowing you will never eat , never feel , wow .... it sopins me out , i think it would be scarey ...

yet , I joked today with a friend and said , well anyway , no one fails when they die ... lol .. everyone passes.....

pretty good joke i think.........

yeah , selfish people , jealous people , family that is cruel , I know this stuff well.... but in the end its better to just let it go if you can , cause being mad and hurt , don't help at all , jsut eats us up and causes heaps stress and auffering , I still sometimes really hate my brother and want to call him up and yell at him ... but i know its pointless and the best way i deal with it , is to act as if I am an only child... and let him go .if he changes , ? great ? whatever .... its not my problem anymore ... cause after mum died , i saw he never will change as far as I can see, be great if he proved me wrong ... but he was so selfish then and since int he last 5 weeks now he hasnt called or gone to see my dad ( he lives around the corner ) ... well , its how he always was.... same ... so u know if my mum dying hasn't changed him , well, i don't think he will now ...

i feel sad for my dad , he is the one this hurts , I can deal with it , but my dad , well , i just hope he can let it go as well and accept his son doesnt love him really ... or if he does , that he is just incapapable of showing it in any way ....

of course this puts a huge burden of me ... and of course i am angry and mad for this .... but in the end , its jsut better to let it go and act as if he never existed .. mind you , it also pissed me off though that these same vultures come around after ,( you watch ) when dad goes , he will be there with all the other schemeing rotten people , lining up for whatever they can gain ....

I know this as well , but still , no matter if i get nothing , really , so what , walk away and start my own life . do it for me , let it go .... hard stuff , but what can u do... fight it in court , be bitter , i don't know ... i am yet to cross that bridge ( and it will come unfotunately ) but i hope somehow I can let it go enough to no longer care .... I will have my mum and dad in my heart and know we connected and loved and cared about each other .... he , he will have nothing , but pain , suffering and regret and i suspect when his time comes , will find it hard , and may see what he missed out on this life , what he caused , the hard he did ....

and you know what , even he might change and become someone he watned to be , ( who knows ) ... and will I be there ? hmmm, well u know , maybe , maybe not ..

cant sleep tongiht , so who knows what i am blurbing on a about this early , ( its 2.30 am ) lol ... think i will try go back to sleep now....

talk more soon

[septemberspain]

Dee, Connie, Tara Wow, I don't know about you guys but I think we are all bonding in some sort of way. It really feels good to be able to come here and let go of all these feelings that has been making our grief more unbearable. I look forward to chatting, venting, and yes even sharing tears with you guys. I don't know about anybody else but you all have helped me get through these past few months since the only person I had to express myself to died. Yeah, I'm talking about my mom. LOL It feels so strange that I am actually "airing the families DIRTY laundry with you" I'm over here laughing I'm like telling people I've never met about my dysfunctional family" (oohh I'm really laughing hard here forgive me) I just realized that this is some really good therapy and the part I'm loving the most is It's free and it is so genuine(ok I know I didn't spell that word right) and it's helping me get through the bumpy road and yeah Dee I'm standing firm (see I do listen and try to use what I can)lol. Tara you've taught me a lesson as well you've taught me I can't stop living and worrying about things that are gonna happen regardless of whether I'm there or not, and Connie, you my dear you are my voice of reason, LOL you have given me a way to look at things from a different perspective and the fact that you know some judges keeps me straight too LOL!!!!

Well, I'm going to find something to do, still can't find enough to keep my mind busy and I have been putting off a real good cry sooo let me grab some kleenex pop in a family video and allow my mom to keep me company and comfort me. (Some how I feel better just planning to do this)

Hugs to you all,

Robbin

[josephb]

im not sure if this is the right place to post but here it goes

i lost my mom friday night to alpha1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_1-antitrypsin_deficiency

she had just turned 43 last sunday on the 11th

growing up we would fight a lot but we were best friends and loved each other uncondtionally. in 2003 my mom went into a nursing home and i moved in with my grandma.i would drive down there and see her and for the most part we got along i could go down there and tell her my problems and she would always have an answer.septmeber 14th of this year i had surgery on my leg and my mom wanted to be there and i told her i didnt want her to go i was only in the hostipal for 6 hours and we had a fight about that. well after the surgery i didnt go down to see her as i was in a cast and she would call and we would end of fighting about me not going down there. she called a few times and told me she wasnt doing good and i thought she meant she was missing me and depress as she had a mood disorder she even called once hung up on me called back i hung up on her then she left a message saying she was at the end stage of her disease and i would not be notify of when she died i didnt take it seriously. 12/01/05 she goes in to a hospital and i get a call and i go down there and see her and talk to a few hospice workers and they told me mom would be going back to the nursing home so i thought she was ok she even told me she was going to live for another 2 years well she went back to the nursing home and then had to go back to the hospital and the next day she went to hospice. i went to see her almost everyday and even stayed a few nights last thurdays they told me she was not going to make it so i stayed awake all night with her because i was scared she was going to stop breathing friday afternoon i went home and i felt like she was going to pass i got a phone call at 2:30am saying passed and i feel bad for the way i treated her and i feel like it was wrong for me not to be there when she died even though i didnt want to see her die

i know all of this is rushed i just feel so frustrated and numb

[tara12]

DEAR JOSEPH ,

AWWW YES YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE , COME HERE and share and just let it out , we listen and we care and we have been and are still there ... we know to well this pain and the journey and the numbness... let go , let it go , let go of any what if and regrets , she is gone honey , and really it is done now and no matter what , beleive me , trust if you can and focus on this truth , she loved you , in spirit she loves you , no matter what the mess or past was , i knwo this .... try beleive this and know NOW , ESPECIALLY NOW , YOU CAN TALK TO HER , TELL HER EVRRYTHING AND TELL EHR YOU LOVE HER , she is gone in body but is very much now free in spirit and is going to be aorund you for aleast 49 days or so... get a picture of her you like and look at her and tell her and let it go and let her go , tell her she is free now, this is how u can help her now and help yourself .... hanging on to past and pain will keep her here and her spirit troubled , and yours will be troubled as well , so try focus on good and the love you know binds you forever , let her know she will always live in you in your heart and in your life ..... honour her journey , as we all make this journey and in the end love is all that is left..........

hope this helps somehow , and know during this next few weeks will be up and down and sometimes lonley and lots feelings, its ok and normal and we undersatnd it all , so come here and share aND GAIN STRENGHT... OK...

EXCUSE MY SPELLING , I RUSH SOEMTIMES AND DONT SPELL CHECK ....LOL.........

i AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS ........ HUGS

[septemberspain]

Hi Joseph, May you find comfort here. I know things may seem crazy right now but in time things will be clearer. Please don't focus on the what if's or the should have's it will only make your grief inbearable. Listen to Tara, and release all of those regrets, I held on to regrets and the what if's I was so afraid of living life again after my mom died this past September. We are all here and we know first hand what may lie ahead. Use this board to express yourself as I posted earlier this is where I come to make sense out of all the crazy feelings and it helps me to know I'm not alone on this journey. Please know we gather strength from each other and someone is always here to listen.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother, take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

[josephb]

thank you both for the advice

i kind of wonder if i caused this. this past year i had a mental picture of seeing my mom in a casket and it just play over and over in my head and i have read negative thoughts cause negative things to happen to you

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hijosephb..we are glad you are with us, yes, there are guys that have been here, it may seem like all women but it is not. Men and women both feel the same grief for their mom's. Please know you did not cause your mom's death with Karma....I think what happens is we start preparing for their passing before..way before..and we see the images. I know I did. I have been told through the years that the amount of tears shed and the amount of anger shared...is the amount of love between each other. When people don't care about each other there is an abscence of anger or joy...just blah. Illness causes a tremendous amount of stress on everyone...which leads to anger, hurt feelings etc. You will se on our message board that ALL of US had rough roads with our loved one's at the end. What you are feeling is OK, just go with every feeling you get...there is no right or no wrong. You will find you talk to yourself a lot too. I hope you will stay with us and let us try to help, Connie is right...there is a strong bond between all of us a safe place for all of us to vent our anger, share our weakness and share our strength. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother, my thoughts are with you.

[septemberspain]

Joseph, Even though you may have had visuals, even though you may have thought about her passing you did not cause it. I know back in June when Doctors told us my mom would live for 6-9 more months for some reason in my heart I knew she wouldn't live beyond the summer (she died Labor Day) and The Monday the week before she died I called my brother and his wife in Cali to tell them that our mother wouldn't make it through the week. I even called my daughter (who went to pack up our home in another state) and told her to hurry back that her Mom-Mom wouldn't be here and I was accused of throwing dirt/killing her off, but it wasn't any of that, I just knew in my heart that she was leaving us really soon I could see it and I knew that they needed to tell her goodbye. So please don't accept the blame. It is so easy to feel that somehow we are responsible for when they die. We are not so don't take that on at all. You have so much already to deal with that you should try to avoid carrying anymore blame or guilt with you. Wishing you ALOT of comfort during this very trying time.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Septemberspain...great thing to say to joseph and want to say thanks also for sharing about curling up with your mom to watch a movie....that was great, gave me some peace to think about that.You are sooooo right, I knew also that my mom would not last the 6 months they gave her. I knew it would only be a few short months. I think I even knew somewhere deep down inside of me that my mom was not going to be here this Christmas...I swear that is the truth. I have my grandkids here with me tonight, I am so thankful I had my kids when I was young and they had their kids young as well, I am not to old to enjoy them and do things with them. They talked about "GiGi" (my mom) tonight and my they miss her too. They were around all the time when mom was very sick, she loved them and they loved her. It makes me sad....

[josephb]

i was only close to my mom and she was the only person in my family that i can truly say i love and trust. my mom was my best friend. it was her and me against the world.my dad and rest of our family was never around or treated us bad and i feel like i am the only love who is grieving over the loss. my grandma and sister have not showed any emotion they did not get along with my mom and i feel like they are being fake whenever they tell someone about losing my mom

[clittlelady]

Josephb:

First, let me say to you, from the bottom of my heart, I feel your heart break, WE feel your heart break. I'm am so sorry for the loss of your Mother and the helpless, hollow feelings of loneliness and loss of your best friend. The nauseating fog. My Mother has been gone for three and a half months. I can tell you that most of us here are still in relatively the newness of loss and grief ourselves, and some have been dealing with their loss longer. This is a very good place to be to share and get it out. To know that someone understands what you are feeling, TRULY understands by having been there. Not just being mannerly, but REALLY KNOWS THE PAIN OF THE LOSS.

Your heartache is so new, nothing may sound logical right now, but time truly will help ease some of what you're feeling. But you can't keep it all inside. You're human. We're human. We don't judge you. We share, and support each other. Some days, one cries and the others are strong. The next day someone else is raging and the others are their calming, listening shoulder. Don't be so hard on yourself. Whatever was, was. That's yesterday. You and God know your heart.

Right now, life is moment to moment, day to day. You can't worry about other people, their actions, their words. You can't change what has happened, the way it has happened or the way people are. And believe me, I've learned the worth of some of my so called family throughout my loss. Do what is best for you right now. I can remember people asking me, how are you doing? I would answer, I don't know, but I know I'll never be the same, and I won't. This forever changes us, to lose the Mother that held us so dearly and bonded our heart to hers. I have come to remind myself that, and my friends here remind me as well, this IS a JOURNEY. It will continue. My Mother had to say goodbye to her Mother and Father and felt what I'm feeling.

My Mother was my Mother AND Father. She was everything to me.

You must grieve and feel these things, but you will get THROUGH this. You are not alone, if you choose to visit here with us, we will love you, comfort you and be honest with you. You live now to honor your Mother's memory and all the good that she instilled in you. Your Life Continues.

God Bless You Through this most difficult time. Be Strong. Do the Right Things.

We're here... I'm here... Til next time... Connie

[momsbabygirl]

Well, my horrible year is continuing. After losing my Mom in June, it's just been one loss after another. I've known 14 people (or been very close with their family members) who have passed away this year. The latest is my parents' landlady who I have known since I was a small child. We moved upstairs from her when I was 10 and my sister lived in the house before that. For the past year or so, my father has been helping to take care of her. She was housebound and had home health assistants who would help with the everyday stuff. Dad would go downstairs everynight @ 5:00pm to warm up her dinner and bring it to her in her special chair in her livingroom. After my mother died, it gave him something to look forward to everyday...

We also got news that my husband's uncle who has cancer is not doing well. They are gathering the family this week to see him for what they think are his final days. I grew up with his daughters (that's how I met my husband) and he is like a second dad to me.

We also received news that my brother-in-law has exhausted all regular forms of cancer treatments without success. His doctors are trying to get him on experimental treatments.

All of this is just making this week worse than it already would be having lost my Mom this year. I was talking on the phone with my sister last night about going home next weekend and broke down. I just can't imagine being home for Christmas without my Mom....I miss her soooooo much! Add to that all of the other losses this year and I'm just so tired of being sad.

I just returned from vacation with my husband and really don't feel that I enjoyed myself at all. I was hoping it would be an escape, but it wasn't. Sorry to vent to all of you...

[clittlelady]

SEPTEMBERSPAIN:

Thank you for your kindness. I truly look forward to visiting here, especially when the day has been tough, beating me up, I know I can come here and lighten my heart in sharing with you guys. I still haven't been able to pull out my home movies with Mom in them. But I'm glad that you have. I'll get there one day. I miss her so. She could bake some wonderful Christmas Goodies. I have all her little handwritten receipes on yellowed paper. She learned to cook when she was just seven. Her parents and younger siblings had taken ill, poor country people, with no neighbors close by. I remember her telling me she would take each pot or skillet to the bedside of my Grandad and step by step, he would tell her what to do, to prepare their meal. Even homemade biscuits, at seven. I still make homemade biscuits like her, the old "well" in the flour bowl, pinch off biscuits. They're never as good as hers.

I suppose everything we own can be destroyed, all our treasures, things we collect through life that we think mean so much, nic nacks, special pieces of furniture, photos, etc. But unless we fall victim to Alzheimer's, our Memory is all we really carry with us through our lifetime. Now, I rely on these memories and the little stories she shared from her youth, these are my sweetest treasures.

Hope all is well with you today. Pray for tender memories and smiles to flood your soul today. Pray for Goodness and Mercy for your family.

Til Later, my friend..... Connie

[josephb]

i feel like i have nothing left and have loss everything.i live with my grandma and her husband(my pappaw passed away of the same disease when he was 48 in 1990)i cannot wait untill i finish school and get out on my own. i am only 20 years old and my mom never saw me accomplish anything

my mom was a smoker from what my grandma says at the age of eleven. last year for either my birthday or christmas my mom asked me want i wanted and i told her i wanted her to quit and she did but i guess it was too late

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

I can only imagine how you feel. I am 45 and my son, only child, just turned 26. We have a very close relationship. He has no one but his Father and I and I couldn't imagine him having to go through the pain you are. But, I know he could, there is no choice. You've lost your Mother, but everything you felt for her, everything you two shared, it's still with you and will always be. Her love is still with you. And even though she didn't see you finish school, she knew how far you had made it, to get to that point. In a Mother's heart, all things that may seem insignificant to you are major accomplishments to a Mother. She knew what you had inside and what you were capable of for your future.

What your Mother chose to do, as far as smoking, was her choice. That's not your fault. You can only accept responsibility for your own actions, not someone elses. All things are not in our control. Again, I'm so sorry for what you're sufferring. Nothing I can say will diminsh your sorrow. You have to go through it, but again, you're not alone. We're here for you. You are young and have many things you can acomplish. Do it for yourself. You're worth it. You won't every forget this emptiness, but your life can bring you happiness again, if you will let it. There is a time for everything and now is the time to grieve and honor your Mother's memory. If you had not loved her, you would not grieve. Our Love comes with a price, but it's worth it.

We will all get through this together. Don't let people pressure you. Do the things that are right for you. One day at a time. Hang in there...

[clittlelady]

MOMSBABYGIRL:

It sounds like you've truly had more than one heart should have to bear. The loss of a Mother or Father is hard enough, but you've had to experience so many losses in such a short time. I can relate somewhat, in that my Mother was the oldest of eight children. Four were left, that is until March of '05, My last Aunt passed away. My Mother died August 30th, '05 and her brother died just four days before her. They were buried a day apart. I have only one uncle left. After losing my Mother, I will never be the same. I was her baby girl, her only daughter. Her late in life baby. She and I spent so much time together and I took care of her through her failing health and dementia. I was with her, as she drew her last breath. Her wishes were honored, she was able to stay in her own home and that is where she left me. Such Bittersweetness as I've never known. The hole she left in my heart will always be there. She left me with many good memories though and even though we had our differences through the years, she loved me and I loved her.

I'm in a fog still from losing my Aunt. I just helped my cousin move out of her home this weekend. She had moved here from three states away to help her Mother. She had just moved last fall and my Aunt died in March. Felt so odd to leave her home for the last time.

All I know is, I live moment to moment, one day at a time. Don't try to sort out to many things at once. This forum here is such a blessing to me, there are people here who are supportive and caring, truly understand the pain, been there. Do the best you can to take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Put yourself first so that you can heal. And time is what it will take for all of us. I never realized how that old saying would mean so much

We're here. Hang in There.

[clittlelady]

DEEWITHGREENEYES:

Granchildren sound wonderful. Even though I had my son when I was eighteen and loved being a mom, it looks like he's holding out on me where grandchildren are concerned. He and his girlfriend have been together 6 1/2 years, longer than some have been married and divorced. I told him at this point, marriage isn't even an issue with me, I just want a little one. Never thought I would say that at my young age of 45 LOL. But I remember when I thought that was "OLD!!". Just shows, life is all about learning, what did I know?

My son has shared things with me about "visits in his dreams from his Grandmother." Says she sits and talks with him and tells him, she is so happy and that we shouldn't worry, that her love is still with us. He says it seems so real and that he actually asked her questions about where she is now and is it what she thought it would be? He said she told him, oh yes, Heaven is worth it all, I'm so Happy, this is where I want to be. He said he's had this same visit and same conversation in his dreams several times since her death. He has a very open soul. I told him I was glad he had had those experiences. I wish I could feel that, experience that. It all feels so cold to me.

Thank God for my friends here. I know you're still going through some things and hope all will turn out just fine. Take care til next time.... Connie

[clittlelady]

TARA12:

Friend, how are you Today? Hope everything is falling into place for you and looking up. God knows, it's time for some good things to fall for us, huh? The New Year around the Corner. Hope, renewing of our spirit. I want so much for us all to feel that. Strength for you and all you're going through with your Father. I've learned one thing this year, I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. Never felt so weak to lose Mom, but never feeling so strong as now, to make each day without her.

I have to go to work now... will catch up with you later.... Be STrong.

[septemberspain]

Today is going to be one of those days............

Just when I though I had climbed up the rough side of this mountain........ I lose my footing and I'm back in the valley of grief. I plan on taking today one breath at a time...... Funny thing is I hear my mom singing (she loved to sing)

and I'm listening I hear the words so clear now if I can just put forth the effort to do what she's telling me.

I must tell Jesus all of my trials

I can not bear these burdens alone

In my distress, He kindly will help me

He ever loves and cares for his own

I must tell Jesus all of my troubles

He is a kind compassionate Friend

If I but ask Him he will deliver

Make all my troubles quickly an end

I keep hearing her sing this over and over maybe I need to listen....

[clittlelady]

SWEDE1:

Ya Out There? I haven't forgot about you! Miss Ya! Peck out a sentence or two, let me know you're okay.

Connie

[josephb]

i really appreciate all of your guys advice. do you think it was wrong for me to not be there when she passed? she went to hopsice on the second of december and i would go to see her almost every day and i stay more nights then anyone else in the family.i felt like she was going to pass friday and i did not want to see that happen but i feel like i should have been there for her and i think it is sad she died alone.i was told by a a hospice worker that patients will pass when there are no family members around but i have also read other people stories of how they were there with their parent for the last breath

im so confused i dont know what is the right or wrong thing to do

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

You asked a question, was it wrong for you not to be there with your Mother for her last breath? Answer: No. No. No. It was not wrong for you to choose not to be there. I was with my Mother. I felt I had to be. I was her only daughter and I just knew that was my place. I had one brother who couldn't stay. He left eight hours before she died and said he would never be back to her home. He didn't want to watch her die and he didn't want to watch the funeral director take her away. One brother stayed with me at home home, but was outside smoking most of the time, really didn't want to be in there, however, he and I were both with her at the end. I have to respect each brother's choice. It didn't make me think any less of them. We are all made up differently and that's just the way it is. My Mother was unconcsious for the last eighteen hours of her life and probably didn't know anything at all when she quit breathing. Your Mother was more than likely asleep as she passed. Please try to accept it as it was meant to be and don't beat yourself up over the choice you made. I can understand your choice and respect it. And as for anyone of your relatives or family friends and anything they may have to say about it, if they truly love or care for you, they too would respect your choice. It didn't make you neglectful. You really have to keep telling yourself these things and reinforcing it in your own mind and heart. Your Mother wouldn't want you to hurt.

Hang in there.

We're here. I'm here.

Talk to you later.

[clittlelady]

JOSEPHB:

I'll be here later tonight. We're all usually in and out of here throughout the day and night. Be Strong.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Good afternoon everyone! so good to hear from everybody today. I love hearing from everyone. We have got a great group here and I am so happy aboput it. I got a little letter from DailyOM (you can click that in on the computer) today's story was about human angels....just exactly what I told you all what happened to me Dec. 6th. If you are interested se if you can get into it. I can't forward it to this page or I would.

Joseph....everyone is so right on with their advice....please think about what everyone is suggesting. My son (who is in his 20's) and a big tough marine loved his grandma very much. He would visit her on his leaves, bring his marine buddies to her house and they would spend the night with Mike's grandma. She would cook for them and just gramma them all. He was here when she was so sick, carried her to the bathroom so she still had her dignity, then us women would help her out, but she NEVER wanted to not use a regular commode (toilet). He carried her everywhere towards the end, even slept next to her at the end. He told me he could not be there when he knew she was going to die...he did not come and he admitted to me he did not want to be there when she took her last breath. It is OK and right for him that he was not there, again there is no right or wrong when it comes to how we handle death. My daughter was there and I was there...when she took her last breath because we felt we had to be, I am her only daughter too. Yes, as clittlelady told you, I too am here alone because many people have admitted to me to come back here would make them to sad. That I understand, I really do. I was a nurse for many years and I found that many family members would actually wait (it seemed) to pass when they were alone. You heard right. Who knows, maybe my mother would have wanted it that way....we gave her no choice because wecamped in her room...but the nurse kept gently telling us we probably should leave her for awhile. She felt mom was hanging on because we were there. At times I feel guilty about that, almost like maybe I was being selfish. So see, we all second guess our decisions, you are not alone.

[josephb]

also i feel like im the only who cares and loves her. i dont cry but since she went into the hospital i have been crying on and off ever since i have cried multiple times since she passed away except for today for some reason i have not been able to.a pastor came in to talked to me and my grandma while we were at her bedside and then all of a sudden my grandma goes from showing no emotion for the past couple of weeks to crying infront of the pastor it looked so fake and she probably cried for a total of 2 minutes and then her and the pastor starting small talking and my grandma had a smile on her face when talking to her like nothing was going on

i think they were crocodile tears so she would get sympathy from the pastor

i told her today that she has been handling this well and she became defensive and said something along the lines of "it doesnt mean i dont care"

she acts as if nothing happen and is planning on going to see the rest of her family for christmas which im not going to do i mean how can you celebrate christmas? she just lost her daughter