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Loss of a Mother


boneca123

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It is hard to hear your pain. To console myself I try to remember that God knew my today before I was conceived in my mother\'s womb. He knew I would be able to bear it. But all I knew was that it hurts so bad and feels so bad. I can only say \"if God takes you to such pain, he will take you through it\". Walk slowly, breath and just be what you need to be to get you through this moment and each moment after that. Don\'t think too hard. This is not an easy time.

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lostwithouthismom

pakigrl I am so sorry about what you and your mother are going through right now.undoubtably there is nothing worse and more painful then watching the person you love more then anything having to suffer and live day-to-day with the ravishing and ever changing awful effects of cancer.I lost my own mother to liver cancer 3 years ago when i was 17 and i was totally unprepared for everything that happended during her final days when everything changed so drastically and reality hits you that these are the final days that as humans we are going to have with our most cherised loved ones.there are no words to desribe the pain and incompleteness that we fill without our mothers.It isn't gonna be easy but if/when the times does do cry and let the pain that you will feel out.I don't know what your own personal belief's are but the you did something about GOD.remember that at the moment she goes her pain is over forever at that moment.the hideous disease of cancer will never ever hurt your mother again.she will be truely free and at the point of inner peace that we all truely long for.

I am reminded of a dream i had a few years ago after my mother passed.the dream goes something like this:I vividly remember this dream more then alot of things and i'm just gonna close my eyes and take my back to it and type what i see/feel the best i can explain and why for me the dream was so special.

"Im outside right now and the snow is gone.spring is in the air with the sun shining in my eyes and it's so beautiful outside.my mother passed on april 25 less then a week after all the snow had completely melted.my auntie told me after that my mother had told her she wanted to see summer again.god gave her her wish i believe.she was at her mother/my granny's house in the country during the whole ordeal.in my dream im outside walking back towards the house coming from the road from the highway.as im walking back something caught my eye in the main window of the house.i look and through the window i seen jesus standing there.nothing was said but it was just the most satisfying and pure happyness i have ever felt as i will get to soon...i continue walking to the house and right before i get to the porch one of my auntie's comes out and says"shes gone now it's over".it did'nt hurt me at all when she said because the relief and peace that i felt knowing jesus was in the house and there with my mom was more comforting then i can express.anyhow to me i know i will always remember and cherish this special dream as to me the very least it symolizes what god wanted me to know when i was going through a very rough time after she left and questioning my faith.the message was simple:even though i/we may never have seen god with our physical eyes or heard him during our most challenging and painful times that we go through and feel like our prayes are going unanswered that in truth god is always there for us when we truely need him to look after us.at least that's my own belief's.im not gonna lie and say that the past 3 years since my moms beign gone haven't beign extremly painful to go through but my own personal belief's have helped me so much to get through this.

anyhow i don't know if any of this helps or even makes sence but as i was reading your post it got me thinking of my own mom and i just needed to share this and *let it out* so to speak.

once again I am truelly sorry for everything your going though and i'll be thinking of you in my prayers tonight.one day at a time :)

ps..pretty exausted and gonna get some shut eye(havent slept yet) just wanted to say hi to everyone and really hope everything'd *oK*

Russ buddy how's it going?glad to hear your doing better and well have to talk some more one of these days.look forward to hearing from you and everyone else to know that your all ok .

goodnite now all.

cliff;)

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middledaughter

I always find it interesting that we feel compelled to tell how old we are/were when we lost our mother. I am reading a book called "Motherless Daughters" and the auther repeatedly mentions how the loss of our mother is such a benchmark date/time in our lives. Our age - to us - is so significant...when this happened to us.

But, as you read from all of us, the experiences are more similar than they are different - whether we are 40, 25 or 18.

Yes, there are differences based on our ages at this crucial juncture, but similarities are stronger....We miss and want our moms.

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lostwithouthismom

I agree with a little but not completely on the fact that age does play a big role in it.*older* people who lose they're parents have probably already lost other people close to them before and therefore are more experienced and knowledgable with the situation.sure they still feel the same pain that everyone feels when they lost they're mother and i guess you see it in that sence but no the situation from person to person varies with many different parts that all play a factor in the grief etc...I know the pain that we as children all feel when we lose our mothers but to say that all our situations are relativly the same regardless of age is a bunch of bologne.for example a younger person who has never lost anyone close to them before and at the same time going through the challenging transistion from boy to man all the while having to deal with a mother's loss is not the same as say....an *older and more wiser* person who has probably already experienced a death of someone close to them and is therefor more understanding/experienced of the situation and MIGHT be able to handle it a LITTLE better as a younger person.Most teenagers also have difficulty communicating how they feel and tend to keep things inside a bit more.

anyhow we are all entitled to our own opinions and who's to say what is right and what is wrong?

Cliff)

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lostwithouthismom

Another thing if I may middledaughter:

you never mentioned if you lost your own mother and how? and I get the idea that if you did you are most likely in the *older age gap* but once again that's just my opinion.

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My mother passed away on April 6 from a bacterial infection she acquired in a New Jersey hospital, and i still haven't been able to fully accept the fact that she's gone. She was only 67, and she went in to have her gall bladder removed because the stones were giving her so much pain. She had been bedridden for a few months, and her depression and pain from osteo and rheumatoid arthritis only increased with time-- she stopped eating and lost her sense of enoyment in talking to us or even trying to get better at all. i saw the rapid progression, but when the doctors suspected multiple myeloma, i still didn't believe my mom was really sick. with bone therapy and a home aid, i thought she would slowly start to walk again, maybe start to get some hope into her body. i was so much in denial, that i didn't make it a point to visit her as much as i should have, even though she was only a few miles away at my sister's place.

I feel so disconnected from everything now...I'd was with her in the last days in the hospital, but what good was that? I didn't get to say goodbye, i didn't get to tell her how much she meant to me and how much we'll all miss her. How much she gave us all these years of her struggling and toiling for us in this country-- which was not her own. I loved my mom so much, but i rarely called her or spent time with her, even when she became seriously ill, i thought she would eventually get better and 'snap out of it'. My sister took take care of her and kept her company, since she lived closer to my mom. But now i think back to all the days and weeks and years i wasted, thinking i had all the time in the world, and i'd go see her 'next weekend' or call her the 'next day, i promise mom' but i never did. I just became so wrapped up in my own selfish problems and silly life, dating, boyfriend troubles, jobs. my mom didn't speak that much english, and i'd forgotten most of my native language, romanian afetr many years of living here, so we had a lot of trouble communicating. and she was very much of the 'old country'-- reserved in some ways, proud, and very lonely without us in the houese. without her children, my mom seemd to lose her zest for living, and slowly declined over the years. i was in complete denial of the magnitude of my mom's pain. And how much she missed me, not being there for her when she needed my like she's always been there for us.

I'm 29, going on 30 next month. I feel like a lost child...my older brother died in '97 and my father passed away 5 years ago. My sister and me only had our mom left to keep the memories of our family and our childhood alive. We were an immigrant family, and my mom never learned to speak English all these years, and i'm the only one of her children who graduated from college. I know she was proud of me but now all i can think of was how i used to belittle what little knowledge she had, and her struggles with the language, and how annoyed i used to get when i was younger and i had to help her out, or translate things for her.

The pain of not being there for my mom, and her sad life is unbearable some days...i just keep thinking and wishing she'd had been given less pain and struggles in life. She was such a kind and selfless soul, but so afraid of the world, and so lonely...without her children around, she became withdrawn and sad, and she made no effort to go out and make friends her own age. I ache for the fact that i wasn't able to give her a better life in the end, and for her disease, and for all the missed moments...

i am so full of regret and missed chances, i know from experience that we do indeed recover from the emptiness and the overwhelming sorrow and devastation-- but i've lost almost my whole family, so now it feels pointless to go on, especially without my mom. Why didn't i reach out to her more, especially in her loneliness? She had two daughters, after all, but i never made the effort to be there for her like my older sister did. And we both thought our mom was 'giving' up too easily, giving in to her depression and pain, rather than fighting it. instead of comfort, love and solace, all we did is resent her weakness, and make her feel like she wasn't trying hard enough. she must have felt so helpless and alone psychologically, being bedridden with no one to turn to...so distanced from the wolrd in her last days. but we didn't even have a clue that they were her last days, even though physically she seemd to fade before our eyes. the hospital we took her to for her gall bladder surgery completely neglected her, and when she got the infection in the ICU afterwards, they were too slow to recognize the sepsis, or even cmobat it in time. her death was horrible, and only took a few days for the infection to overwhelm her...we watched her lose consciousness before our eyes, yet we still hoped she would revive...

is it normal to feel wracked by guilt and might have beens? i feel like i was a terrible daughter and now it's too late to have another chance. i wish i could tell her how much she meant to me and how much she gave us all, the gift to lead better lives than the one god afforded her. why did she have to suffer so much?

I ask myself this every day, and every night i feel the long years ahead of me, and the weight of my mom's sadness...

Mino

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shannyrose

Minorwhite~

In this world it is so hard to be close to our families and to those we really love. It is so hard to find the physical time to connect and really listen to our loved ones. Know that you are not alone in feeling this and that you are not alone in your struggles with guilt and grief.

Your mother would be so very proud of how open and honest you are about your grief and your experiences. Know that she is there with you and that even though you were unable to be there with her physically at her passing, that she felt you every step of the way.

Your mother sounded like a very strong woman who loved her family deeply. I am posative that she knows you carry that same strength and love with you.

My thoughts are with you as you find your way through this transitional time and I know you will carry your mother's spirit with you.

Shanny Rose

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englishruss

following the terrorist attacks in my home town today I would like to send my thoughts to all the families of the injured and the dead.

I hope all of my friends here are doing ok today.

from a very sad and chaotic london.......russ (((HUGS)))

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I didn't get to say goodbye, i didn't get to tell her how much she meant to me and how much we'll all miss her. How much she gave us all these years of her struggling and toiling for us The pain of not being there for my mom, and her sad life is unbearable some days...i just keep thinking and wishing she'd had been given less pain and struggles in life. She was such a kind and selfless soul, but so afraid of the world, and so lonely...without her children around, she became withdrawn and sad, and she made no effort to go out and make friends her own age. I ache for the fact that i wasn't able to give her a better life in the end, and for her disease, and for all the missed moments...

i am so full of regret and missed chances, i know from experience that we do indeed recover from the emptiness and the overwhelming sorrow and devastation-- but i've lost almost my whole family, so now it feels pointless to go on, especially without my mom. Why didn't i reach out to her more, especially in her loneliness?

is it normal to feel wracked by guilt and might have beens? i feel like i was a terrible daughter and now it's too late to have another chance. i wish i could tell her how much she meant to me and how much she gave us all, the gift to lead better lives than the one god afforded her. why did she have to suffer so much?

I ask myself this every day, and every night i feel the long years ahead of me, and the weight of my mom's sadness...

Mino

Dear Minorwhite,

Oh, can I relate to YOU and YOUR feelings! I carry much of the same guilts even though the details differ somewhat. The fact that you mentioned wishing you could have given your mom a better life in the end really resonated with me. The disease, the hard life, the loneliness, the struggles....Except for the language issue, our moms sound quite similar, and so do our responses to them and their lives.

I grew up as the child who wanted to 'fix' my Mom's life ( it was pretty awful; couldn't have survived it the way she did, myself ) and so this feeling has come back again to haunt me since her passing. I'd spent much of my life actually fighting against it because I knew it wasn't healthy, wasn't truly my responsibility - it was HER life to manage, not mine. Mind you, she usually didn't listen to any of my advice anyway and that was part of my frustration. Yet, maybe like you, I kind of went too far in the other direction and gave up a little too much. Now that she's gone, I have a TON of regrets for not being at least more like the daughter I'd WANTED to be to her...and I was her ONLY daughter. In her last few months in a rehab center (she was supposed to be in a long-term, full-care facility, but it never happened in time), I DID fight for her health care needs, but no one listened much because I didn't live there, so couldn't check up on her daily...and staff knew it, so they took advantage and didn't do what they ought to have done. I couldn't even make it when she was dying as there were blizzards in both cities. The rest of my family wasn't there, either. One brother (who also died 2 months after our Mom) tried, but couldn't drive safely in the storm. So she not only had a terrible life, but she died all alone. I NEVER imagined I wouldn't be there to see her on her way. So THAT guilt racks me, too, even though I know it happens to some people.

I don't have an answer for you, or for myself, except to say that it's too true that we don't seem to learn quick enough to rectify things until it's too late. Hindsight is wonderful, as they also say. I know I tried very hard in some respects and she appreciated things I did, too, but always wanted more...as we all often do. I couldn't have possibly filled up all the gaping holes in her shattered life, but I certainly know firsthand the feeling of WANTING to. Ultimately, it's up to each of us to slowly build the kind of life we truly want, without putting that onus on anyone else, but most of us don't operate this way. And despite knowing this, I still feel badly about it, for my Mom's sake.

The only thing I can really hang onto now is believing her continuing life is MUCH better than the one she had on earth. I also had (after many months) a dream about/with her ( I believe it was a real visitation ) where she KNEW and I knew she knew, how very grateful I then was for all the things she'd done for me/our family. That dream has kept me going as the feelings in it were so intense and nothing like our relationship was in waking life. She knew how much I'd really loved her all through my life, despite my and her mistakes. All I can tell you is, we're humanly trying to do, learn, improve, and most times we're all making mistakes galore with each other. My Mom made PLENTY herself (hence her bad life) and that wasn't for me to decide FOR her. And the same goes for me. Talk to your mom NOW, tell her every little thing you want her to know about how you feel/think. You don't have to do this out loud even. She'll hear you, trust me. You can still try to heal your relationship even though she's in spirit 'form' right now. And by the way, I'm in my 40's, meaning age doesn't matter a whit in such circumstances.

Hope you post some more as I think we can share a lot of meaningful things in this grief journey.

Warmly,

Swede1

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princessrachel

Monday marks the 4 year anniversary of my mom dying. She was killed in a car accident. The past few years, I have been doing good. This year, though, feels like the first year all over again. I am getting married in less than a month and there is this part of me that can't believe I am getting married without my mom by my side. A day hasn't gone by this past month where I haven't cried. I haven't cried this much since the first year. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done for the wedding, that I don't have the energy to feel my grief this strong again. I thought after 4 years, I would be strong enough to get married without her. Was I ever wrong. I miss her more now, than ever before. Trying to get through the next month is going to be tough. I simple want my mom at my wedding. I know she will be there in spirit, but frankly I am tired of people telling me that. It is not the same as her actually being there holding my hand and telling me how happy she is for me. I just miss her and would do anything for a mom hug once again.

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I know it's been ages since I've posted here, things got a lil hectic for me and honestly, I started going in a downward spiral. This Sat. will be one year, and I'm struggling with it. I recently moved 4 hours north, and I have no family up here. I have 2 friends here and it's just been hard. I'm starting to feel the way I did when this all first happened.

How is everyone by the way?

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flyingangel

I have not yet written my story but I lost my mother May 23rd. She was murdered by someone we all knew. I don't know how I feel. I'm nearly 40 with two children and a sister in her early 20's. No one would have ever imagined this happening. She was innocent to evil and that is how he took her from us. I hate him! I'm sorry for introducing myself in such a manner. It just hurts that's all. I'm a christian woman who lives as much as I can so that others see Jesus in me. I just get so empty feeling especially at night and early in the morning. I have to take this experience and allow it to change my life for the better as much as possible. But....I will always miss my mother. I am in the beginning stages of this tramatic life changing experience. I don't know how to act. Sometimes I feel one way, then it changes. I'm just so sad!

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This is to Swede1.

Rest Assured,you're Mom knows how much you loved her,and how much you wanted her to stay with you.Talk to you're Mom,tell her how you are feeling. She's watching over you. My Mom died of Cancer on 12/03/2000.She was 73.She was My Best Friend.I still get angry and I still cry. You will too. Write back to me.

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flyingangel

Thank you for replying. Loosing your mom strikes at place deep inside that you didn't know it existed until they're gone. I have good days and bad days. I try to stay busy with my sister and my children. I've been talking to mom and you're right, it does help. I do feel her presence. The only problem is finding time alone to really cry. I cry so different now. When I cry about mom, I make a terrible face and sound like I'm dying. I have cried in front of my children but the way she died caused so much trama to everyone in the family that I want them to be happy again. I'm sorry you're mom died. There is so much more to mother/child relationships than we realize. Did you get a chance to say goodbye?

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This is to Swede1.

Rest Assured,you're Mom knows how much you loved her,and how much you wanted her to stay with you.Talk to you're Mom,tell her how you are feeling. She's watching over you. My Mom died of Cancer on 12/03/2000.She was 73.She was My Best Friend.I still get angry and I still cry. You will too. Write back to me.

Mommysgirl,

Thank you for reading my post - some of these forums are so quiet, it was nice to get a response in this one. I DO know my Mom knows how much I love her (from that visitation dream I had), and I do talk to her some, but not as much as I just think about her (and hope she hears my thoughts about her, too). It's also 'good' to know that others grieve for many years, too, as I know I'm a very slow griever, and slow to heal, too. I have to really 'chew' on things for a long time until they will settle inside, and even then there are usually a few unresolved issues I battle with for years and sometimes decades. My family life was complicated and so all family relationships were, too, which makes things much harder than for more regular folks. What I wouldn't give to have had a more loving, normal, happier family. But I didn't and my grief has been complicated beyond control because of it - some of my history is in other forums and threads here, if you're interested (too long to repeat every time). It's always nice to hear other people's positive convictions, though, as repetition helps it to sink in deeper inside.

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I LOST MY MOTHER 2/24/05 CHRONIC PULMONARY DISEASE. SHE HAD THIS DISEASE FOR OVER A YEAR. BUT I DID NOT LIVE WITH HER I NEVER REALIZED JUST HOW SICK SHE WAS.WHEN SHE WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL I THOUGHT SHE WOULD GET OUT SOON IN THAT YEAR SHE HAD BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL ABOUT FOUR TIMES WITH SHORTNESS OF BREATH. SHE KEPT TELLING ME THAT IT WAS DUE TO ASTHMA. AND SINCE I WAS TOO BUSY WITH JOB/KID/HOUSE AND HUSBAND I NEVER FOLLOWED UP. JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE WE WERE SITTING TOGETHER IN HERROOM TALKING ABOUT A TV SHOW WE BOTH LIKED. THEN THE NEXT DAY I CALLED TO SEE HOW SHE WAS AND THE NURSE TOLD ME TO COME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE I GOT THERE AT 3PM MY MOTHER DIED AT 7PM. ALL I REMEMBER WAS TELLING ONCE THAT I LOVED HER WHEN I GOT THERE AND THEN WHEN THE DOCTOR TOLD ME SHE HAD STOP BREATHING THEY KEPT TELLING ME TO TALK TO HER BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY THE ONLY THING I TOLD HER WAS GO LET GO AND BE FREE THAT ME ANG THE KIDS WOULD BE OK AND I HELD HER HAND AND ASKED GOD TO TAKE HER QUICKLY AND AS PAINLESS AS POSSIABLE. A FEW MINTUES LATER SHE DIED. THEN ALL I REMEMBERING SAYING WAS THANK YOU GOD FOR NOT MAKING HER SUFFER. THE NURSES SAID THAT SHE DIDN'T BECAUSE THEY GAVE HER MORPHINE. THEY TOLD ME I COULD STAY WITH HER AS LONG AS I WANTED BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT HER BODY I NEW HER SOUL WASN'T THERE. SO I LEFT. YOU MAY ASK WHY I WRITE YOU THIS, ITS BECAUSE I AM NOT A RELIOUS PERSON BUT I KNOW THAT THE BEST PART OF HER NO LONGER WAS THERE IN THAT ROOM. MY REGRET IS THAT I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER MORE THAT I LOVED HER IN THAT MOMENT AND MAYBE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER TO LEAVE I SHOULD HAVE SAID STAYED I KNOW THAT SOUND SELFISH BUT SOMTIMES I STILL PICK UP THE PHONE TO CALL HER THEN PUT IT DOWN WHEN I REALIZE WHAT I AM DOING. ALMOST EVERY DAY I RELIVE THE MOMENT OF HER DEATH AND WISH I COULD HAVE DONE MORE.

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Cmcaceres, I'm sorry your Mom is no longer with you. The grief you feel is your journey to healing. You choose the steps, when to make them, when to rest. It's not unusual to telephone someone's home after they have died. If she has an answering machine, her voice may be a comfort to you.

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MY REGRET IS THAT I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER MORE THAT I LOVED HER IN THAT MOMENT AND MAYBE INSTEAD OF TELLING HER TO LEAVE I SHOULD HAVE SAID STAYED

Dear Cmcaceres,

My sympathy to you in the loss of your mother....it's a horrible thing for a daughter to lose her mom. I don't think you did wrong at all. You did say all the most important things while you had the chance and not repeating them doesn't make what you said any less true. You had the chance and you used it. If you had asked her to stay instead, and she just couldn't, would you not feel even worse for having asked her to do something she couldn't do anymore, and put that pressure on her in her final moments, instead of doing the most loving and unselfish thing by telling her she had your blessing to continue her spirit's journey and leave the body that was causing her such anguish? Believe me, I know the incredible guilt that comes from the more selfish response, as I did this with my animal companion while we were waiting to see if a drug would kick in and give him more time to live. He was in extreme pain ( with no pain-killers even - a long story ) and in the eleventh-hour I finally told him if he needed to go instead of waiting for his next shot ( due in 15 minutes time ), he should just go before the vet. got there. AS SOON AS I GAVE HIM THIS PERMISSION, he proceeded to die, just in time for me to get my husband to phone the vet to cancel his housecall. I am convinced, now (despite having heard of such things happening previously with other animals and people)that many times, that's all they are waiting for....for your heart to become full enough to let go. You can't imagine the pain my first mistake has caused me, asking someone I love so dearly to hang on for MY sake. His death taught me this heavy lesson, and I would NEVER do that again with anyone I love, even though I know how hard it is to not know in advance when someone's time is going to be up.

So please, try to see yourself as being unselfish and thinking of your mom's needs first. It's very difficult to think of everything when you don't have much time and your heart is racing with fear, dread and sorrow. You DID tell her you loved her ( I only said it once myself ), so she KNEW that. At least you said it. We hope for 'perfect' passings, but few of us get them, from what I've heard, so anything that went 'right' is something to eventually be thankful for. For my own Mother, I never even got to be there with her in person, and no other family was there, either, so she passed all alone. I couldn't even tell her ONCE that I loved her, nor hold her hand, stroke her brow...nothing....and that was my own, only Mother. I'm telling you this so you can, at some point, realize these were blessings you can carry with you. Be gentler with yourself...you're grieving and having regrets is normal, but don't beat yourself up over every, little detail. I hope this helps to comfort you in some, small way.

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flyingangel

Being new to this, I realize that the pain is the same regardless of how they leave us. Swede1 your family is not any more mixxed up than others. It just feels like it because it's your family and you want so much for you all to be close and feel normal. The murder of my mother has caused my family to act insane at times. I really don't think any of us have our feet planted on the ground yet. She was taken by one single gunshot. No one deserves pain but to die in such a way. I struggle every single day. It hurts so bad. Everyone's pain is real and important. I just wish I could have said goodbye and I love you.

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Flyingangel,

I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I'm afraid I have to disagree. My family IS more dysfunctional than most, unless MOST families have suffered with alcoholism, incest in at least 2 generations, verbal abuse, physical violence, physical handicap and mental illness....along with all the attendant after-effects these dysfunctions cause. I would give my eye teeth to have had a more average dysfunctional family, such as I see and hear about from other people I know. While stress and trauma DO seem to bring out either the best or the worst in average people, try to imagine what it does in a family who has NEVER operated normally in the slightest. Judging from the eye-bulging my story has caused in people who know the whole story, and sometimes even just PARTS of it, I don't think this is in my imagination.

As for your own loss, I'm so sorry you've lost your mother in such a dreadful way....not that any way is grand, but violent acts are much harder to deal with than more 'natural' deaths. It must be very trying for all of you.

As for anyone deserving pain or not, I think you will get back whatever you gave out OVERALL in your life. Even if you messed up, but your intentions weren't 'evil' and you were just making mistakes because you didn't know any better, you don't really "deserve" pain for that, but those who do wrong deliberately may have to suffer the consequences of their actions. As they say, what goes around, comes around, and most people who know my father would and have said that he 'deserves' whatever pain he's in now, for all the horror and pain he caused others his whole life. My Mother suffered the most of anyone at his hands and though she made her own mistakes (like staying with him for 60 years), she was a good person for the most part,(everyone could see this) and certainly didn't deserve the disrespectful final arrangements that she got because of him. If I ever forgive my father for the things he did, no one will be more surprised than I!

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i can relate to all of you here who feel pain and hurt. i lost my mother in 2000 my father this yr. and my son-in-law 2 months prier to my dad..it hurts real bad.and no-one can fix it.i have no-one who truly understand the pain we feel, until its an experience for them..can someone please tell me how to deal with this pain. it hurts so much,i wish it would go away,but everyday i awake its still there.i know they are not coming back, but my heart is breaking in a thousand piceses and i need to mend it back together so i can move on..please help. i just need someone who understands and can give me some answers.

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I am new here. I lost my mom less than 2 months ago. I am 29 and my mom was only 48 yrs old. Her death was unexpected. It has been very hard for me since I just found out I am expecting and I wasn't able to share my news with her before she was put on a ventilator. I knew, but I was scared I would upset her because she felt the same way I did, that is God was giving us someone because he was taking someone we loved from us. I still feel that is what happened and I wonder if I didn't get pregnant maybe she would have lived???? I am so glad that she was able to be grandma for almost 2 years before she passed. She loved being grandma! But it saddens me that she will not be here to meet her other grandchildren. We had a very close relationship and I miss it deeply. It is hard to think about having this baby with her there to support and guide me when I need it.

My mom was a fighter. She had survived breast cancer just over three years ago. She never complained about anything. Last November she started was having problems with her hands, we figure due to the dyes in the material she was working with at work. Her hands swelled and were severely cracked, very painful looking. Finally after several months of not much improvement she went to the doctor. By this point it was getting hard for her to open simple things like pop can or toothpaste tube. They ended up treating her for dermatitis and she was given prednazone (sp?) for the inflamation. Shortly after taking the medication she developed shortness of breath. She was insistant that the medication caused it and she went back back to the doctor. The just blew it of. After a couple more visits they finally did an exray and the doctor said she may have pnuemonia but they wanted to send her to a specialist for her hands. She went to the dermatologist and she continued to complain about her shortness of breath. She couldn't even do normal things around the house with out being out of breath. It just wasn't right. She was finally admitted to the hospital. After testing for everything under the sun, they decided she had damage to her lungs. They called it Diffuse Advelor Damage (DAD). It is very rare. They continued to treat her with the same medication due to the inflamation, just higher doses. That hospital decided they weren't comfortable treating her so they air lifted her to the Mayo Clinic where she spent three more weeks. We were happy, we thought this was the best place she could be. We had no idea that she would not make it back home. We just thought it would take time to get the inflamation down and some therapy and she would get better and have a life still. Well progressivly she got worse. They talked about a double lung transplant but it turned out she wasn't a good canidate with have chemo in the last 5 years and because they didn't know what was causing the inflamation in her lungs they couldn't put her on the list. Eventually she was put on a ventilator. It was her wishes at the time. She wanted to rest until she was better. I don't think she knew at that time that she wasn't going to come off the ventilator. They had sedated her but every time I went in the room she would open her eyes and look at me. She even gave me the thumbs up at one point. I thought only a couple days and we would be able to talk to her again. 4 days and no change. She was on 100% oxygen. Yes it they were able to get it down to 85% at one point but back up it went. Her body wasn't able to retained the oxygen levels needed. They just kept creeping down slowly it seemed. On the 4th day my dad, brother and I were agonizing over the decision as to how long to we leave her on the ventilor. It was her wishes not be kept alive for long time in that fashion if there was no improvement. We kept praying for a sign. Even though she wasn't showing any real improvements, there wasn't any real significant drops either. Fairly sable, small changes. Up and down. By this time we knew that even if she did get of the ventilator she probably wouldn't have much of a life, not that kind she would have wanted. We prayed that she could give us a sign as to what needed to be done. That very night the ventilor was no longer able to do it's job. Her lungs were so damaged, there was just no room for the oxygen. Her levels were dropping and several other things started happening. We knew it was time. We were all able to be with her as she took her last breath. away.

This whole process was so emotionally draining. All the ups and downs we encountered. The hardest thing for my dad, brother and I has been the fact that we never had the chance to tell her good bye. Ask the last questions, just really talk to her about. We went through the entire process that she was going to get better. When she would get negative we kept telling her to stop, she wasn't going to die. She knew in some sense I think?? There are so many things I wanted to say to her. Obviously I wanted to share my news with her. The other thing that has been hard for us is that we have not anwers. No one seems to know the exact cause of what damaged her lungs. They say it ran threw her body and left the damage. It could have been from what she was exposed to at work (which is the only thing they NEVER tested for) or it could have been from the radiation and chemo she received 3 years back. There are other possiblities but these are the two biggest possiblities. It just just har to except that someone healthy on the go all the time could just all of a sudden become so weak and eventually die so quickly. Just isn't right.

Sorry this is so long. I guess once I start telling the story there are so many things to say I can't stop. Obviously this is just a part of the story. It is just impossible to share it all. I am so sorry for all your losses as well. It has to be on of the worse pains in the world. I just feel so lost with out my mom. My dad and I were close before, but now we have become even closer. It is so hard right now for me to see him hurting so much. I know there is nothing I can do but be there for him. I just wish I could do more. Thank you for listening to my story.

Char

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TO SWEDE1,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDS WORD I GUESS YOU RIGHT ABOUT BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT THE SMALL THINGS AND I SHOULD CUT MYSELF SOME SLAK =:)ALL MY FAMILY SAID THAT I WAS A GOOD DAUGHTER BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE SHE HAS ABANDON ME.THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I'M OKAY BUT THEN I HAVE FLASH BACK TO THE DAY SHE DIED AND I BECOME VERY EMOTIONAL, LIKE TODAY BECAUSE TOMORROW I SIGN THE PAPER TO SELL HER CONDO AND A PART OF ME FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING HER ALL OVER AGAIN. BUT I CAN'T KEEP IT BECAUSE OF CERTAIN CONDO REGULATIONS. THIS WAS MY HOME BEFORE I GOT MARRIED.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME A PART OF ME WANTS TO TRY AND PUT THIS BEHIND FOR THE SAKE OF MY KIDS WHO STILL CAN'T EVEN MENTION HER NAME WITHOUT SHEDING A TEAR ESPECIALLY MY OLDEST SON (11) WHOM MY MOTHER PRACTTICALLY RAISED SO I COULD WORK.

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TO MEANDMOM

I LOST MY MOM IN FEB OF THIS YEAR. I CAN ONLY SAY IS "TO BREATHE" AND HOLD ON TRY TO CONCERATE ON ONE THING AT A TIME. ONE DAY AT A TIME. YOU MUST LOOK AROUND YOU AND KNOW THAT IN TIME YOU WILL HAVE BETTER DAYS. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO MEND YOUR HEART ONE DAY AT A TIME. TOMORROW DAY SUN WILL SHINE A YOU MUST LIVE FOR THE OTHERS IN YOUR FAMILY AND ALSO REALIZE THAT THE ONE WHO LEFT WOULD WANT YOU TO LIVE TO BE STRONG.. JUST THINK ABOUT IT WOULDN'T YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN AND FAMILY TO BE STRONG AND GO ON WITHOUT YOU!!! SO YOU MUST DO THIS HAS BEEN MY MANTRA THE LAST FEW MONTHS, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO BECOME THE ROCK OF MY FAMILY, AND I HAVE TRIED TO BE.

THERE ARE DAY THAT I FEEL LIKE I'M FAILING BUT I "BREATHE" AND KEEP TRYING

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TO CHARSMOM2

YOU SOUND LIKE ME I WISH I CAN ALSWAYS DO MORE. BUT SWEDE1 SAID I SHOULD NOT BE SO HARD IN MYSELF AND I BELIEVE THAT DOING MORE IS ALSO A WAY OF BEING HARD ON YOURSELF. YOUR TRYING TO TAKEN ALL THE BURDEN YOURSELF, I DO THAT TOO ESPECIALLY WITH MY CHILDREN. LET YOUR FARTHER HAVE SOME SPACE AND GIVE YOUR SELF SOME TOO. THIS SITE HELPS BECAUSE AS I WRITING THIS WORDS I'M REALIZING THAT I HAVE TO TAKE MY OWN ADVISE. ITS ALSO GOOD TO LET IT ALL OUT

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to cmcaceres.... thank-you for your reply. its very hard to live day-day without my parents here. i feel like an orphen, but as u said my family would want me to be strong. and be there for them i cant promise tomorrow but i can try to be there today. it makes me feel better to know that a perfect stranger took the time to read my cry and try to confort me..you re blessed and thank u so much. im sorry if i sound self centered but right now all i think of is moving on the best i can..thanks again!

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MEANDMOM

HEY THAT WHY I GUESS WERE ALL HERE TO TRY AND GO ON. WHEN YOU FEEL TIRED AND CAN'T GO ON :

TAKE A DEEP BREATH. CLOSE YOU EYES AND THINK OF THEM SMILING AT YOU :)

AND IF IT WORKS ON YOU LIKE IT DOES ON ME.

SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE YOU JUST MIGHT FIND A SMILE AND HOPE TO GO ON :)

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TO CMCACERES:AGAIN THANK -U YOU'RE A BLESSING..SENT FROM ABOVE TO FEEL OTHER PEOPLES PAIN WHEN U HAVE SO MUCH OF YOU'RE OWN..YOU'RE MOTHER WOULD BE VERY PROUD OF U..I'M SURE SHE IS SMILING DOWN ON YOU SAYING THATS MY BABY..LOOK WHAT A WONDERFUL CARING PERSON THEY'VE BECOME..WE OWE IT TO OUR PARENTS AS TO HOW WE TURN OUT TO CARRY ON AND BLESS WHO EVER WE COME ACCROSS.THANK YOU AGAIN. LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING AGAIN. HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT.

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I am new here. I lost my mom less than 2 months ago. I am 29 and my mom was only 48 yrs old. Her death was unexpected. It has been very hard for me since I just found out I am expecting and I wasn't able to share my news with her before she was put on a ventilator. I knew, but I was scared I would upset her because she felt the same way I did, that is God was giving us someone because he was taking someone we loved from us. I still feel that is what happened and I wonder if I didn't get pregnant maybe she would have lived???? I am so glad that she was able to be grandma for almost 2 years before she passed. She loved being grandma! But it saddens me that she will not be here to meet her other grandchildren. We had a very close relationship and I miss it deeply. It is hard to think about having this baby with her there to support and guide me when I need it.

My mom was a fighter. She had survived breast cancer just over three years ago. She never complained about anything. Last November she started was having problems with her hands, we figure due to the dyes in the material she was working with at work. Her hands swelled and were severely cracked, very painful looking. Finally after several months of not much improvement she went to the doctor. By this point it was getting hard for her to open simple things like pop can or toothpaste tube. They ended up treating her for dermatitis and she was given prednazone (sp?) for the inflamation. Shortly after taking the medication she developed shortness of breath. She was insistant that the medication caused it and she went back back to the doctor. The just blew it of. After a couple more visits they finally did an exray and the doctor said she may have pnuemonia but they wanted to send her to a specialist for her hands. She went to the dermatologist and she continued to complain about her shortness of breath. She couldn't even do normal things around the house with out being out of breath. It just wasn't right. She was finally admitted to the hospital. After testing for everything under the sun, they decided she had damage to her lungs. They called it Diffuse Advelor Damage (DAD). It is very rare. They continued to treat her with the same medication due to the inflamation, just higher doses. That hospital decided they weren't comfortable treating her so they air lifted her to the Mayo Clinic where she spent three more weeks. We were happy, we thought this was the best place she could be. We had no idea that she would not make it back home. We just thought it would take time to get the inflamation down and some therapy and she would get better and have a life still. Well progressivly she got worse. They talked about a double lung transplant but it turned out she wasn't a good canidate with have chemo in the last 5 years and because they didn't know what was causing the inflamation in her lungs they couldn't put her on the list. Eventually she was put on a ventilator. It was her wishes at the time. She wanted to rest until she was better. I don't think she knew at that time that she wasn't going to come off the ventilator. They had sedated her but every time I went in the room she would open her eyes and look at me. She even gave me the thumbs up at one point. I thought only a couple days and we would be able to talk to her again. 4 days and no change. She was on 100% oxygen. Yes it they were able to get it down to 85% at one point but back up it went. Her body wasn't able to retained the oxygen levels needed. They just kept creeping down slowly it seemed. On the 4th day my dad, brother and I were agonizing over the decision as to how long to we leave her on the ventilor. It was her wishes not be kept alive for long time in that fashion if there was no improvement. We kept praying for a sign. Even though she wasn't showing any real improvements, there wasn't any real significant drops either. Fairly sable, small changes. Up and down. By this time we knew that even if she did get of the ventilator she probably wouldn't have much of a life, not that kind she would have wanted. We prayed that she could give us a sign as to what needed to be done. That very night the ventilor was no longer able to do it's job. Her lungs were so damaged, there was just no room for the oxygen. Her levels were dropping and several other things started happening. We knew it was time. We were all able to be with her as she took her last breath. away.

This whole process was so emotionally draining. All the ups and downs we encountered. The hardest thing for my dad, brother and I has been the fact that we never had the chance to tell her good bye. Ask the last questions, just really talk to her about. We went through the entire process that she was going to get better. When she would get negative we kept telling her to stop, she wasn't going to die. She knew in some sense I think?? There are so many things I wanted to say to her. Obviously I wanted to share my news with her. The other thing that has been hard for us is that we have not anwers. No one seems to know the exact cause of what damaged her lungs. They say it ran threw her body and left the damage. It could have been from what she was exposed to at work (which is the only thing they NEVER tested for) or it could have been from the radiation and chemo she received 3 years back. There are other possiblities but these are the two biggest possiblities. It just just har to except that someone healthy on the go all the time could just all of a sudden become so weak and eventually die so quickly. Just isn't right.

Sorry this is so long. I guess once I start telling the story there are so many things to say I can't stop. Obviously this is just a part of the story. It is just impossible to share it all. I am so sorry for all your losses as well. It has to be on of the worse pains in the world. I just feel so lost with out my mom. My dad and I were close before, but now we have become even closer. It is so hard right now for me to see him hurting so much. I know there is nothing I can do but be there for him. I just wish I could do more. Thank you for listening to my story.

Char

hi char, welcome, and i hope that you get some comfort from this site. your mom died young just like mine. just from reading what you said and not knowing any details, do you think that the prednisone is what caused your mom to have such troubles?? the reason i say that is because i know 3 different people that had very severe reactions to prednisone and all three people had taken that drug before, with no reactions. sometimes the drs don't want to acknowledge that you may be having a reaction to that drug. and you said that she continued to get worse and they treated her with the same meds.......POISON for her body. i would search further into that if that knowledge is something that might help you in the healing process. that type of stuff will not help everone. yes, i do believe that when a person is taken away we are given another. that happened with us too. the day my mom died was the day my cousin had her baby. what type of work did your mom do?? you became pregnant at that time for a reason and your mom died at that time for a reason. it all was meant to be and you will find out the answers later on. don't worry, your mom will be watching over you and your family and your new baby. think about it.......why would she miss out on something so great. she sees the whole picture now and can enjoy things too.....just in a different way. and you and your family will, in time, enjoy things again, but in a different way. you will find a new normal. and it has helped me to talk about my mom and to talk with my kids about my mom. i want them to remember her. they were so young when she died (almost 2 and almost 4). we look at her pictures everyday and talk about her. for us it has helped, it was very hard to do at first but it gets easier. yes, just let your dad know that you are there for him, when he is ready. it also helped me to talk to my mom everyday and tell her things just like i did when she was here. again, it was hard at first because it is a little different, but in time it helped me. i also read alot of books on the after life. it was comforting. i'm glad that you were able to share your story and i hope that it helps a little just to get it out. please continue to come here, this is a great place with many wonderful people. i wish you the best. heather
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To Hmtod73,

Thank you so much for your response! Of course I was in tears. But that is nothing new lately. Being pregnant just makes me even more emotional. I do exactly what you described with my son. We look at a picture almost every night and I talk about her every day. And for some reason he has said several times to me "that's nanny" while pointing at some angel chimes I received from my aunt. They were meant for my mom but she was in ICU and wasn't able to receive gifts at that time. After she passed my aunt gave them to me. It is very weird but comforting at the same time.

I was kinda interested in what you said about the prednisone. Did any of the people you knew with the severe reactions pass on from it? We have been over this again and again. We thought the same thing about that medication causing everything. That maybe she was alergic to it or something. But the amount of doses she was getting we just figured it would have killed her much sooner???sooner?? She had never taken the prednisone before, this was her first time. I may check in to that a little more. We still have a feeling it is from the chemicals she was exposed to at work? Just seems like such a coicidence that her hands were bothered by it and then she developed the DAD. The doctors didn't want to connect the two, but we just don't understand why. She worked in a knitting factory. The material she was working with was turning her hands black form the dyes in the material. She had cracked hands at that time, couldn't the dye have traveled through her body? Unfortunetly the doctors didn't start the process of looking at it more closely until she was in ICU and they had no other options basiclaly. The day the occupational doctor talked to us and gathered the information my mom ended up passing that night so I am sure it never got looked the day that she ended up passing. And the autopsy didn't show anything. We do question that, because if they did find something so obvious that she should have caught sooner, would they admit to it?? I am not sure how that type of stuff works... but it makes you wonder.

My dad is requesting her medical records. We want to see if they ever did test her for those chemicals. The first hospital had received the MSDS sheets for the dyes she was exposed to, but when Mayo was finally talking about it to us they were unable to find the MSDS sheets in her file! So we are thinking they never tested her for the chemicals. I swear I think doctors some times have tunnel vision.

Thanks again for your response!

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Charsmom2,

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this with your mom. I know how frustrating it is dealing with the medical community and trying to get answers they often don't want to be accoutable for. Hmtod (sp?) was right though....steroids are NASTY drugs (of course, too many are)and reactions to them are widespread and very diverse, including increased susceptibility to infections. Major side effects are quite serious and an allergic reaction can indeed kill someone. They also can react with quite a number of other drugs, even aspirin. There are also many conditions and illnesses that are contraindicated for steroids, so there's also a chance your mom had something else going on which even she may not have been aware of yet, but that reacted with the drug. On the other hand, black dye can also be pretty harmful, as can many dyes, so goodness knows. I really hope getting those records helps, although your dad may have to also find someone he can trust to read through them to discover any possible mistakes made, as many doc's will just cover for other ones/institutions. You could try finding a Naturopath and paying for their time to go over this stuff, as while they don't prescribe drugs, many of them know lots about them....that they're not afraid to divulge. I know there's a huge book that the doc's and pharmacists use (you could ask one what the name of it is, as I forget now)that lists all drugs and interactions, etc. which might help you figure this out...although it likely costs a pretty penny to buy it and I'm not sure where it can be purchased from. I have a similar book, but not as comprehensive. ( I did look up Prednisone before writing this for you) My Mom, too, suffered at the hands of 'care' in rehab and hospital. I've come away even MORE convinced than I was before (which was pretty big anyway) that mainstream 'medicine' is a very scary business...and it IS a business. Though I already KNEW a good enough amount about what they put my Mom on, and had a retired doc as a personal friend to help me with information and advice, my Mother's doc's and nurses wouldn't listen to me anyway for the most part! So all my knowledge went for naught. They indirectly caused her to die, starting with a stupidly-administered overdose of Coumadin (blood thinner and the most dangerous drug on the market today!) RIGHT BEFORE she was transferred to rehab from the hospital, after her first stroke. She had improved REMARKABLY before that, in a mere 2 wks., so much so that the med. staff was totally amazed (THAT was my Mom - always a strong fighter), but after their overdose, she almost died once, then just never could get strong enough to make it after that.

I am left with a ton of rage against the medical establishment, one that I'm QUITE sure is shared by probably thousands upon thousands of other people worldwide, but especially here in the Western World. If swearing was allowed on these sites, you'd hear plenty from me right now!! Follow your gut feelings on this issue, as it's probably your best guide, even through the grief. Keep us posted as to how you and your dad make out with this, if you like - I know I'm interested. I also feel very badly for you, being pregnant at such a time, but I DO believe your mom WILL be hanging around to experience its birth right alongside you. Look for signs as I'm sure they'll be there, even if you miss a bunch. For whatever reason, I seem to get more when I'm deeply grieving, but apparently, that's not as common for others, who are more aware of them when they're calmer. Each to his own, but our loved ones DO try hard to wake us up!

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Hi, I am brand new, so I just want to ask a question. My mom died about a month and a half ago. My parents' wedding anniversary, her birthday, his birthday and the holidays are all coming up. Does anyone know anything I can do to help my dad get through these days? Thanks! LRENED

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"My family life was complicated and so all family relationships were, too, which makes things much harder than for more regular folks. What I wouldn't give to have had a more loving, normal, happier family. But I didn't and my grief has been complicated beyond control because of it "

SWEDE, thanks for your input and advice. I haven't logged on in awhile because i haven't had the energy. i'm doing my best to keep busy and distracted, but the moments i stand still, i can't help thinking of my dear mom and her last moments in the hospital so full of pain. Isn't that sad? That all i can remember now is that horrific week and all the catheters and her poor small body...and all the times i wasn't there for her and all the things left unsaid..instead of remembering the good and deeper emotions of our lives.

I can sympathize with your take on complicated family relationships and how that affects not only our ability to love and show love, but our ability to grieve fully and accept our role in other people's lives, especially the ones closest to us. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over, and never fully live in the moment...until it is too late to reach out and make a difference.

I was remiss in my own family, as a backbone of support during my mom's illness. I just didn't want to accept that she was really ill and that she needed me to be with her...i cry every night at the ideat that she might have thought i didn't care about her. i lived only 20 minutes away, and i rarely visited her, thinking i had all the time in the world, and that she was going to get better and snap out of it any day...boy, you can't get more delusional or selfish than that. she had no one lfet except my sister and me, and i just didn't make her a priority until the end came...and now she's gone. It's like god laughing in my face, saying, you had all these years to love your mom, and you didn't. See how it feels to be all alone now.

I suppose the gift is the ability to live our life in the now, loving in the now, and accepting that, in the end, we must all part without the perfect ending. I cannot relive my mom's life and make it better for her, take all the suffering and loneliness she endured away, i can only ache for the memory of what was. And every day, the aches still gnaws at me. I hope to god it gets better than this....

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Dear Minorwhite,

Oh, the things you write just touch my soul...I feel sort of like you could have been a sister of mine, one that I never had.

I know the horror of remembering the awful images, of frailty, total dependance on others (worse, of course, to see in someone who was fiercely INdependant), sterile hospital settings, all that. They're very hard to get out of one's head, but like most things, I found that if I allowed myself to go deeply into them, they softened and allowed the 'better' memories to flow, too. A book you might also find as helpful as I did (because it will stir these things up in a big way!) is "How I Find Her...A Mother's Dying and A Daughter's Life" by Genie Zieger. This author has such a poetic, insightful way of detailing her own mother's decline that, although the time-line might be different, the feelings evoked are SOOOO similar. It really helped me experience the feelings and get them out in order to progress.

Mind you, I also had quite a time of feeling and remembering the better times, too!...because it made me realize how very much my Mother tried, as best she knew how, to be a good mother, which of course, made me feel the way you do....that I wasn't a very good daughter, either, in many respects. It's very difficult to come to some sort of balanced viewpoint when everyone in a family is screwed-up and one's one failings arise out of such chaos. I have to content myself with knowing that I WANTED to be better, do better, but the family dynamics themselves prevented much of that. And unfortunately, most of us can't get truly beyond our personalities until tragedy strikes and we feel the loss so deeply, we finally feel ABLE to step out of our habits and roles and just BE the way we wanted to be. It's so true, so ironic and so very sickening that someone's physical death is usually what it takes for this to happen. And we can't even REALLY blame ourselves, because it happens this way to so many, not just us.

I truly believe though, that it was this very guilt that made my Mother come to me in that dream, to allay my fears, to let me know she KNEW the love in my heart was genuine and had only been hidden by all the problems in the family.

Had I still lived in the same place as her when she was so sick, I know I would have been there most days, if not every day (although my FATHER would have been too hard to take, so maybe less!), but as it was I was only able to visit 2x in all of 6 months, and the first time she was so confused and ill, she wasn't terribly coherent. The second time was only for 2 days, well, 1 1/2 really, so I didn't get to DO much for her. I felt I owed her a TON of doing, understanding and patience, for all the countless hours she put into doing things for me, even if our relationship could be very strained at times.

When I DID live there, I'd had to cut off all contact with her for a few months one year, as her alcoholism got to the point where she was terribly abusive verbally and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Then I moved away, in secret (my father would have tried to ruin my house sale, had any of them known what I was planning....no, I'm NOT kidding), and wouldn't even give her my new address for many months, until she proved she could act differently with me. Now I'm so proud of her....she never changed her tune one iota with anyone else, but even with the drinking, she did with ME. I find that pretty incredible and that alone showed me she really did love me, beyond the quarrels and troubles in the family. Relatives were amazed at our newer relationship (hardly any fights, tolerance on my part, etc.) and how my methods of dealing with her actually worked. Yet upon her death, no one seemed to want to acknowledge that we HAD a relationship, that we WERE mother and daughter! They all abandoned me, and acted like they were the only ones grieving....and some, NOT grieving at all! That, of course, made me miss my only Mother even MORE, as I realized she'd stuck by me despite her illness, and these others who HAD no such excuse for bad behaviour, didn't. So I lost the only person in my whole family, and extended family (on her side) who'd loved me at all. It's been quite a blow, and not one I'll be able to forgive any of them for, at least not that I can foresee.

I HAVE reached out though, to the 2 lone people who came out of the woodwork to lend me some support...one a relative, the other a family friend....and it has been well worth my effort and chance at trusting someone again. But it's not the same as having immediate, or better-known extended family members there for you, and for each other. I, too, have repeated many mistakes in my life, and I guess that's the only 'good' I've seen from this whole tragedy...I've managed to change some of my ways, kicking and screaming for the most part!, but changed nonetheless and it's been a help in my grief, to see different outcomes than the ones I was used to. So I'd have to say, despite the utter sorrow always sitting in the background ( or right up front!), it CAN get better...but it means alot of tiresome work first, during, probably long-term. I feel so for you, too, because you echo so much of what I've felt, too. You're a rare find on all the boards I'm on, so I hope you stick around...but no pressure if your journey requires you to keep busy for now instead! I will understand that, too, as that was how I classically operated for many long years. Now I think I've gone too far the OTHER way (lolol) and don't get ENOUGH done! Ah well, someday I believe I'll find that balance again, too.

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I just loss my Mom on 8/1/05. I am devastated to say the least. We found out prior to her death just 2 weeks before that she had Ovarian/stomach/adrenal gland cancer. It started in her ovaries. Then just 4 days before she dies we hear it\'s only days at that if she makes it that far. How do you even get that absorbed fast enough to make it to the part where you have to bury her? She was my best friend. My Dad died in 2000, and I held him to his last breath. My Mom and I went everywhere together after that. I made sure she did not have to be alone. Now she is gone. It\'s wrong, really wrong. I recall being here posting about my friends death TeddyK and thinking oh I would not want to feel like some of these people feel about their Moms. I felt so badly for all of you. Now I am one of you, and it is so hard...

Shannon (Redshanni67@aol.com)

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mustangsally

Hi everyone:

Right now I can't believe whats happened to my life. I've lost all my friends,my boyfriend and now my mother is dying of ovarian cancer and I just lost my job last week. I have nobody for support and I don't know what to do. My mother was the only constant in my life and now I'm gonna lose her. I feel like this is a very bad dream. When she does die I'm so afraid of how I'm going to react. I know its coming, but this one is too hard. I'm 38, but I still feel like I'm 8. I'm so tired of being alone. (skime379@yahoo.com)

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Mustangsally,

I really feel for you, as I lost my whole family, extended family, friends, too...although after the losses of my Mother and brother, but at least I still had my husband and furgirl. Your situation sounds even worse, and I know how difficult it is to find a support network when you need one and one just isn't there! My Mom was my only FAMILY constant, so I understand how devastating it is to realize you're going to lose that. I won't kid you, it can be a nightmare, but since you're starting to reach out ahead of time to try and build yourself a support system, you've got an advantage there. I encourage you to keep at it, in every way you can. Find out ahead of time if the institution your mother is in, or may end up in, has any resources they can provide where you can meet others with similar needs, now &/or after, look up community resources, anything you can possibly think of. Find a free counselor if you can. I know this is a tall order when you'll likely have to also be looking for work at the same time (gad! I don't envy you all this tragedy all at once!), but even baby steps will end up helping you out, I firmly believe. Anticipatory grief is just as bad as any other kind, I know, so anything you want to know about what to expect, feel free to ask. I'm even older than you (in my 40's) and I, too, felt and still often feel, like an absolute kid. Most of us do when we lose a parent - it's normal, though extremely inconvenient and distressing. I've been rather alone much of my adult life, so my heart goes out to you. I can't tell you you're guaranteed to find new friends (the ones you'd want to keep) or a new partner, but I've at least gotten some support on these boards (and others like it) and made at least one friend I consider a keeper, though I don't see her as much as I'd like. The rest of my new friends don't even live close by, but it's better than nothing. Hang in there, do what you can, post more if it helps. One step at a time.

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hi everyone!i\'m new here....i have not lost anyone yet but reading your posts i felt afraid,..and started to ask myself what if these happens to me also?what if i\'ll lose someone in an unacceptable reason...?that is why i want to ask how did you deal with this changes in your lives..?

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hi everyone!i\'m new here....i have not lost anyone yet but reading your posts i felt afraid,..and started to ask myself what if these happens to me also?what if i\'ll lose someone in an unacceptable reason...?that is why i want to ask how did you deal with this changes in your lives..?

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Hello, I am new at this, but I love this website, which I have just registerd with today.

I lost my dear mother on April 4, 2005, to lung cancer. It has been such a roller coaster ride for me as I try to work through my grief and move forward trying to create a life without her. She was my best friend, and we were always very close to each other. I miss her tremendously.

When I moved her from Iowa to Colorado two years ago, I became her caregiver even though she lived in assisted living. I watched her deteriorate rapidly, and would drive home in a sea of tears as I witnessed her mental confusion grow more pronounced each day. She was weak, tired, and so very cold all the time it broke my heart. This dear mother of mine who used to LOVE to eat and was always a bit overweight for most of her life lost over 50 pounds in three short months.

After we recieved her terminal diagnosis, just one year ago this week, she no longer qualified for assisted living. Since I worked full-time, I searched for a nursing home for her where she could spend her last days. Finally, a bed opened in the building where she lived, and I moved her downstairs into the nursing-home section. I realized at once, however, that it just would not work for us.

It was noisy, depressing, crowded, and not a place that I felt comfortable leaving my dear mother who was merely waiting to die. So, I took care of her in my home the last six months of her life. Taking advantage of the FMLA leave act, I changed my hours at work and started going in during the evening after dinner when my husband could sit with Mom. I hated leaving and being away during those hours and I hated even more getting home around 2:00 am.

I did take days off from work here and there to spend with Mom, and I made the most of every moment that she was here. I went all out for each holiday that we had left. We spent a little extra money and decorated the entire house for Christmas and put up outdoor lights making it as festive and wonderful as we could.

She was very fortunate, and did not have very much pain with the cancer. As her dementia took over, she didn't even seem to realize that she was dying.

This has been the hardest human experience that I have ever had to endure. I lost my father 30 years ago to lung cancer, and I have lost all of my grandparents. Nothing, however, could compare to this incredible sorrow and deep feeling of loss that I am experiencing from the loss of my mother.

Some days are fine; I get throught them okay. Other days are tough, and I cry and feel as if I cannot go on any longer. Thanks for "listening". I guess this is getting rather long, so I will sign off for now.

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to swede1:

i've your advises and i was really touched with how you deal with your loss,.though i didnt lost anyone yet,..pls tell me how you do it in case it happens yo me please...

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tonib89.

Do you have someone in your life now who is ill, that you would be looking on a site such as this? Just curious....

What have I done for myself? The first year, I started with private counseling until our coverage through work ran out. At the same time, I attended a free grief group out of a hospital close by. It wasn't much help. I wrote my brother a long letter, hoping he'd respond in a human way. He didn't. I never heard back from him. I asked my father if I could come home and pack up my Mother's clothes. He agreed, but many were missing. I snagged what few little other things of hers and mine I could sneak out. I wrote my Mother's obit because no one else would. Because she never got a Memorial Service, not even an informal one, I held my own little ceremony at my own home. My husband made a CD of sad songs for me to cover all of my losses. I tracked down her china set that had been sold and bought it back, then waited patiently for months before we could get it here safely w/o paying big shipping costs. When I finally had the set, I sat down and had cup of coffee and a snack that reminded me of our relationship using her china. I tried to talk to friends, but didn't get very far with all but one. I 'celebrated' Mothers' Day by going to brunch and bringing her picture with my to set on the table. I started taking Flower Essences and tried a couple of supplements for depression, as well as homeopathics for grief. I've visited a couple of energy healers as well, short-term. I read books on the 'afterlife'. I 'celebrated' her birthday by playing my CD again, lighting a candle for her and writing in a journal. For Christmas, I designed our dinner around many of her classic recipes and set a place at the table for her and said a toast to her and my brother. I could barely eat a thing. I returned to counseling this year (still ongoing) and joined some of these grief boards (for 3 losses to date, all different)I found one local woman who was willing to hear parts of my story, but she didn't want to share, only play Social Worker (and she's not terribly qualified), so I chose to quit talking to her about my pain. I managed to find a couple of good people on other boards to email, but don't know if this will last. I only hope so. I read about issues pertaining to my own condition. I'm back at a homeopath for more help, emotionally and physically, as I've also developed physical symptoms over all this. I've dropped 'friends' who weren't supportive enough. I chose to never call any family members again as they won't and didn't call me. I've forced myself to deal with the Public Trustee in my parents' Province, for both my Mother and father. I'm in the process of detailing everything in order to possibly hire a lawyer to fight my brother in court over my father's future Will. Through the whole period, I've also focused much on my remaining furchild's health and well-being, as she is older and has diseases to cope with. I am also in the process of trying to find a medium/communicator in the hopes of contacting my loved ones, to get some answers that would help me carry on with some sense of peace. I used to meditate, but haven't been able to get back into that for 1.5 yrs, for the most part. I'd still like to, though. Most importantly, I gave myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling, moment by moment, and chose to educate myself about what was 'normal' to the grief process and to not believe all the ridiculous nonsense that uneducated people advise you to do - because they're dead wrong.

I've been very busy, trying to do things for MYSELF. Anything that might help. Anything that won't give me more problems (like prescription drugs might). It's been more than difficult and my reserves are running thinner now, although I've made some progress. I still have a long road ahead of me. As you can see, it can take many, many different steps, some small, some larger, to go through this journey and much depends on where you start from. Since I already had family-of-origin issues that made things much less normal for my losses, it's been an extra battle I've had to contend with, and still do. I just try to keep plugging ahead. I'm still trying to find/meet someone locally who could become a good friend, but so far have had little luck - THAT would go a LONG way towards helping me out. I think I must need prayers galore in order to find that special kindrid spirit who'd been lacking in my adult life.

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Hello, I am new at this, but I love this website, which I have just registerd with today.

I lost my dear mother on April 4, 2005, to lung cancer. It has been such a roller coaster ride for me as I try to work through my grief and move forward trying to create a life without her. She was my best friend, and we were always very close to each other. I miss her tremendously.

When I moved her from Iowa to Colorado two years ago, I became her caregiver even though she lived in assisted living. I watched her deteriorate rapidly, and would drive home in a sea of tears as I witnessed her mental confusion grow more pronounced each day. She was weak, tired, and so very cold all the time it broke my heart. This dear mother of mine who used to LOVE to eat and was always a bit overweight for most of her life lost over 50 pounds in three short months.

After we recieved her terminal diagnosis, just one year ago this week, she no longer qualified for assisted living. Since I worked full-time, I searched for a nursing home for her where she could spend her last days. Finally, a bed opened in the building where she lived, and I moved her downstairs into the nursing-home section. I realized at once, however, that it just would not work for us.

It was noisy, depressing, crowded, and not a place that I felt comfortable leaving my dear mother who was merely waiting to die. So, I took care of her in my home the last six months of her life. Taking advantage of the FMLA leave act, I changed my hours at work and started going in during the evening after dinner when my husband could sit with Mom. I hated leaving and being away during those hours and I hated even more getting home around 2:00 am.

I did take days off from work here and there to spend with Mom, and I made the most of every moment that she was here. I went all out for each holiday that we had left. We spent a little extra money and decorated the entire house for Christmas and put up outdoor lights making it as festive and wonderful as we could.

She was very fortunate, and did not have very much pain with the cancer. As her dementia took over, she didn't even seem to realize that she was dying.

This has been the hardest human experience that I have ever had to endure. I lost my father 30 years ago to lung cancer, and I have lost all of my grandparents. Nothing, however, could compare to this incredible sorrow and deep feeling of loss that I am experiencing from the loss of my mother.

Some days are fine; I get throught them okay. Other days are tough, and I cry and feel as if I cannot go on any longer. Thanks for "listening". I guess this is getting rather long, so I will sign off for now.

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I am knew to this website but I lost my mom in febuary this year to lung cancer she was diagnosed in july and was told that she would only have 6 months to live if she didnt do any of the treatments so of course she did cause she had to childen at home that loved he so much and when I found out in october that I was pregnant that was the strength she needed to fight needless to say she died after 7 months of torment from the treatments and never got to see her first grandchild and that was all she wanted. I honestly don'tknow how Im supposed to deal with this

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I posted this on August 18, 2005, and am not sure why it showed up under: sama but here it is again from scubidi (ME)

I lost my dear mother on April 4, 2005, to lung cancer. It has been such a roller coaster ride for me as I try to work through my grief and move forward trying to create a life without her. She was my best friend, and we were always very close to each other. I miss her tremendously.

When I moved her from Iowa to Colorado two years ago, I became her caregiver even though she lived in assisted living. I watched her deteriorate rapidly, and would drive home in a sea of tears as I witnessed her mental confusion grow more pronounced each day. She was weak, tired, and so very cold all the time it broke my heart. This dear mother of mine who used to LOVE to eat and was always a bit overweight for most of her life lost over 50 pounds in three short months.

After we recieved her terminal diagnosis, just one year ago this week, she no longer qualified for assisted living. Since I worked full-time, I searched for a nursing home for her where she could spend her last days. Finally, a bed opened in the building where she lived, and I moved her downstairs into the nursing-home section. I realized at once, however, that it just would not work for us.

It was noisy, depressing, crowded, and not a place that I felt comfortable leaving my dear mother who was merely waiting to die. So, I took care of her in my home the last six months of her life. Taking advantage of the FMLA leave act, I changed my hours at work and started going in during the evening after dinner when my husband could sit with Mom. I hated leaving and being away during those hours and I hated even more getting home around 2:00 am.

I did take days off from work here and there to spend with Mom, and I made the most of every moment that she was here. I went all out for each holiday that we had left. We spent a little extra money and decorated the entire house for Christmas and put up outdoor lights making it as festive and wonderful as we could.

She was very fortunate, and did not have very much pain with the cancer. As her dementia took over, she didn't even seem to realize that she was dying.

This has been the hardest human experience that I have ever had to endure. I lost my father 30 years ago to lung cancer, and I have lost all of my grandparents. Nothing, however, could compare to this incredible sorrow and deep feeling of loss that I am experiencing from the loss of my mother.

Some days are fine; I get throught them okay. Other days are tough, and I cry and feel as if I cannot go on any longer. Thanks for "listening". I guess this is getting rather long, so I will sign off for now.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Scubidi, may God bless you for the tender care you lovingly gave your Mom. I am sorry you no longer have her with you. If I can but suggest one thing, it's that you allow yourself plenty of space and patience for the feelings that come with grief. Time will ease the pain some, but she's your Mom, someone you will always miss. My your heart be filled with peace. You'll find that the people here care, and genuinely want to help each other through the sorrow.

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I am not saying that everyone here does not care, yet it seems that in my coming here to reach out in this very difficult time of grief, that at least someone could have replied to my posts. Not one reply. I am thankful that I have had the support of friends and others in this time, because if I had to depend upon the support solely from this board, I would be lost. Finding out my Mom had cancer only 1 week before she died was extremely devastating and I had no time to process any of it. it is in sharing with others when we truly reach out that we may even begin to heal ourselves.

ShanniMarie

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alwaysmyjennifer

shannimarie, I'm sorry I didn't see your post. I've lost my daughter, so I write on another thread. I don't get over here too often, and I'm sorry to say, my assumption was wrong. I'm sorry your Mom died, and in such a way. I will check on this thread frequently, so I hope you can continue to write. We all share the grief that draws us here and together. You are so right, that by sharing of ourselves, we can heal. Again, my apologies for your post being missed.

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