Loss of a Mother

[cindyjean]

boneca123...how are you doing????  I just had my first christmas without mom too. 

I made it, some tears, some smiles but I made it...just wanted to check and see how you are doing.

[timesremembered]

I had my 2nd Christmas without my mom, with my dad's girlfriend there, Christmas just isnt Christmas without her, she always decorated the house a month before Christmas and we would always make fried wontons and chex mix together. I did it this year but it just wasn't the same. I had no one to share my stories too and say we wouldn't eat any but end up eating half of what we made. Needless to say I'm not sure it hurts any less but it does get easier to deal with.

[cindyjean]

Gosh I typed a whole reply and then lost it...So here I am again. 

Chex mix?  What a great story I am glad you shared that.  My mom would do that over jelly beans...I will NOT eat the whole bag...then she did!!! LOL.  Now that memory makes me smile instead of crying.  Time does have a way of smoothing out the edges of the memories.  Tell me what was the best memory you had of her this Christmas???

[Guest C.J.]

Heartbroken, confused, lonely, angry.  If it's an emotion, I'm feeling it.  I now know what it actually means to have a broken heart.  I have this ache that can't be filled.  I go to bed & cry, I wake up & cry, I cry all day.  My mom passed away shortly before this past Thanksgiving, so it is all pretty raw right now.  I'm an adult in my mid forties, but a little girl lost.  My mother and I were extremely close.  I am so lost.

 

[cindyjean]

Thanks for reaching out.  Grab onto the hand of those of us who have already walked that journey for strength.  Crying is ok and will eventually become less frequent as time passes.  I am sure it has been an exceptionally hard struggle with the holidays.  Take time, reflect and give yourself time to heal.  Be kind to yourself. 

[agnaq111809]

Please don't feel that you are alone in this.  I am in the same 'room' with you and your grief/mourning.  If the sun is shining or there's daylight where you are at (as my daylight is not back yet and it's dark outside), SMILE   for the Promise of Tomorrow is there with you.  If there are flowers growing or will grow in a while, SMILE for that is the Promise of Tomorrow.  SMILE anyway as that is the Promise of Tomorrow.  God Bless.

[gracerose]

i'm so sorry to hear of your loss CJ. I read your words and just knew what you meant. My beloved Mom passed away on April 26, 2007 - getting closer to 3 years now - and my heart is still broken. She was my best friend too and life is so different now, many sad days from missing her. But, as the others here have said, you slowly learn to live with the void that is left - your broken heart will feel better but it takes a long time. Your tears will never stop but they will become less frequent - hard to imagine that when your loss is so fresh - but they do. I thought I would never stop crying, and I haven't, but the tears do not come as often now. You learn to live with the void of her physical presence being gone, but it fills with the beautiful memories and closeness you had and those things keep you company and bring you comfort. Take care of yourself during this time. My thoughts go out to you.

[butterfly13]

CJ-My mom was the most important person in my life.It has been 1yr.7months since she died,and I have felt the way you are feeling.I honestly don't know how I have made it this far without her in my life anymore,and I still cry at least once a day from missing her,but at least I can now talk about her without that gut wrenching sadness you are feeling.I can also think of her and at least smile before the tears come.I will keep you in my prayers!

[jcintx]

Bless your heart, CJ, I understand... My mom passed Dec 16 and I could have written your words. She was my whole world and I'm 52. It was one month Saturday and I still feel like I am a ghost, walking around numb. It's hard to care about work, bills, life, anything. I never knew something could hurt this bad and not kill you. I will pray for you that God will give you some comfort and peace. Try to be good to yourself, cry your heart out, sleep all you can, and give yourself all the time and space you need. God bless you, dear.

[Guest guest]

I am hoping someone here can help and that you will not look down on me for grieving even though my mother is not yet dead (but she is failing quickly). I would just like to know if any of you went through intense anxiety and even fear about losing your mother or any parent or person before it happened? THat is where I am.

I have a feeling that the grief will be equally intense and I fear I wont' be strong enough. I can not imagine a day without her and yet I try to be "reasonable" and say that this is the natural order of things, that parents pass and children grow up, etc. 

But my heart is not listening. I am working with a therapist but the message doesn't seem to get through to me. Meanwhile, I spend as much free time as possible with her and even get behind on paying bills. She is my  priority because I know I have limited time with her.

Does anyone understand?

[butterfly13]

To guest-I am so sorry to hear about your moms failing health.I totally understand.My mom hadn't felt good for a few years,but the last few months before she died she was really sick.Even though I didn't exactly know that she was dying(i think I must have been in denial)those last few months of her life I was anxious all the time,I would cry in the bathroom at work,I wasn't able to eat,it's like I was already mourning her.Just thinking of my mom possibly dying had me going crazy,I never thought I could live if she died,and I really didn't want to either.It's now been 1yr.and 7months since I lost her and I am surviving,but God it isn't easy.I think of her constantly and miss her more and more as time goes on.I am so glad that you are spending this quality time with your mom now,you can never get that back.Even though I was super close to my mom and spent soo much time with her,I would kill for just one more min.with her.Take in every moment you have with her now and don't leave anything unsaid so that one day when she is gone you can look back at this time and smile at the precious memories.Take care of yourself!I know it's not easy.

[agnaq111809]

Dear Guest,

Share with your momma all the happy memories and thank her for them.  Tell her that you'll always love her.  If possible and she's able, laugh with her; cry with her.  Read to her your thoughts, like when you are afraid but let her know that you are not afraid because she's there for you all the time.  Ask her what was the day like when you were born-was it sunny/rainy/windy, nighttime or daytime.  Tell her that she'll always be with you no matter where both of you are.  Share time with her even if it's just quiet time.  Ask her if she knew Elvis and what she thought about him.  Did she think he was the most handsome man in the world like you did?  I'm just trying to think of all kinds of ways to be with your momma.  But most of all, tell her you love her very much. God Bless you and yours.

[Guest Guest]

I completely understand what you mean about grieving a loss before it has happened. I lost my mother 3 months ago to breast cancer and I felt as though I had been grieving on and off for almost 11 yrs before that (since her diagnosis). She was an amazingly strong woman and she fought every day of her life. Towards the last few weeks of her life I felt as though I had already lost a huge part of her. She was just not the same person anymore and I started mourning as though she were already gone. I felt so guilty about it but I think it's very natural to feel that way. I wish only the best for you and your family.

[silver38]

^{I feel so sad and jealous when i see others had their moms longer -- please dont be offended - i lost mine 2007 --  i wish i had her voice on tape or anything at all - videos etc}

[Guest luv2bmama4]

i lost my mom yesterday morning. it was unexpected and i feel like thiis has all been a bad dream, like it isnt real. i am waiting for her to call like she always does and them i realize she isnt going to. whats wrong with me.

[butterfly13]

OMG-Please give yourself time,their is nothing wrong with you.I am so sorry to hear about your mom.I still sometimes think that my phone will ring and it will be my mom,in the morning before I open my eyes I pray that her death was just a bad dream and when I open my eyes my life will be the way it used to be.My mom has been gone almost 2yrs.and I still fell this way.You will go through so many emotions,and honestly I don't know when it ever stops,I'm still going through it.:?

[Guest arettwi]

hey... lost my mom when I was 13 and it was terrible... being a young teen (pre-teen) is tough as it is but then compounded with all the intense feelings of loss... it at times seemed unbearable.  There are no answers... it stinks.  I talk to my mom all the time... sometimes it makes me smile and at other times it makes me cry.  It is okay to wish him back... to imagine... to pretend... I wish, when I was your age, I let someone who could love me and fill the void that I was feeling into my heart... instead I tried to present a strong happy image... only to be left confused and lonely. 

I am sending you some love and a great big hug...

[missingumum]

HELLO EVERYONE IM NEW TO THE SITE BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR GRIFE SO MUCH AS I LOST MY MUM AUGUST 09 AND IM FINDING AS TIME GOES ON MY PAIN IS GETTING WORSE PEOPLE TELL ME IT WILL GET EASIER  BUT AS MOTHERS DAY IA APPROCING THE PAIN I FEEL INSIDE IS SO RAW I HAVE 3 CHILDREN AND I NO I HAVE TO STAY STRONG FOR THEM BUT EACH DAY WITHOUT HEARING MY MUM IS HORRIBLE BUT I UNDERSTAND THE SAYING NOW GOD ONLY TAKES THE BEST COS MY MUM WAS THE BEST MUM AS IM SURE UR MUMS WAS TO U SO I NO HOW U FEEL I SEND HUGE ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) TO U ALL AND SENDING MY LOVE TO UR ANGELS XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[elissaeternally]

I just came across your post and just had to reply. First, I want to say sorry for your loss. My mom passed away January 20th, 2010 due to a sudden and unexpected heart attack which was caused by a knee injury she got on christmas day. Neither Myself nor any family members had any idea how serious the situation would turn out. It was just a knee injury!! She was walking up the first 2 stairs from the basement and decided to turn around because she forgot to grab something and as she turned around, her left knee bent backwards. It was an injury that needed immediate medical attention so of course she was rushed to the hospital because of the immense pain she was in. She was sent home later on that night. Was told by the doctors to stay off her leg for a few days which she did until they told her she could get around by using her crutches. She accidentally stepped down on her leg the wrong way and caused the same injury again but still it was an injury that shouldnt have caused her death. We found out after she passed that her heart attack was caused by a bloodclot that traveled to her lungs which mostlikely originated from the knee injury. My family is currently trying to get to the bottom of this nightmare because we all know that her death could have easily been prevented by blood thinners which the doctor never put her on but now we all have learned that severe knee injury victims are usually always treated with blood thinners because of the high risk of blood clots. This is a horrible nightmare!! My family and I are so broken mentally and emotionally because of this tragic loss of my mom. She was only 49 years of age. Not even 50! She had so much life ahead of her. Tears were steaming down my face before as I typed but now I feel completely numb. This roller coaster of emotion is one of the most scariest things Ive ever had to endure. Its going to be a very long journey, not to meantion how hard i know it will be. It scares me to think about the future without my mom but Im glad I found this site lastnight. I think reaching out to others that have experienced similar and recent loss like I have will help me through these worst of times. Time can not heal pain but healing takes time. That is a quote I found somewhere on this site and it made me feel better when I read it. Thank you so much for reading. -Jessica

[missingumum]

so sorry for the loss of your mom and in such sad cercumstances (sorry bout the spellin) my mum had been ill for along time but she was also a v strong lady but she went into hospital with breathing diffecultys even then as the ambulance was on the way she was saying all this fuss for nothing she was taken straight to icu as she was in v bad way a week later she was taken out of icu and went to a high dependacy ward  I LIVE IN R IRELAND MY PARENTS LIVE IN ENGLAND AS I COULDNT GET OVER I WAS ON FONE CONSTANT TO MY BROTHERS DAD AND HOSPITAL ALL SAYING SHE WAS GETTING BETTER NO NEED FOR ME TO GO OVER SO I DIDNT AND AS SHE WAS TAKEN OUT OV ICU I WAS DELIGHTED BUT A NAGGIN INSIDE SAID I HAD TO GO OVER JUST TO SEE FOR MYSELF THAT SHE WAS GETTING BETTER  well i went over on the friday and went staight to hospital wiith my dad and she seemed v ill i could see the look ov worrie on my dads face as he said this is how sh was in icu but on the friday night visiting again she was in great form she was sat up eating and telling me and my dad to shhhhhhhh as she wanted to watch a tv program haha even when visiting was over she was still in great spirits so we were alot happier on the saterday as we arrived at the ward we was asked to go into a room by doctor imediatly we knew some thing was wrong i started crying wanting to b with my mum 5 mins later another doc came to speak to us and said there sorry but altho she was still alive it was just a matter of minutes we rushed to the room only to see my darlin sweet mum just lieing there she was just staring we all told her we loved her and that it was ok for her to go and b free from pain my heart was breaking she closed her eyes and just went the pain i felt i never had felt before but i belive that she waited until i went over before she coud let go and im greatfull for that becase she never said y r u here she just said ohhh hello darlin i love and miss her so much and every day seems harder even tho i know she is with me always not hearing her voice not hearing her say i love u baby

[butterfly13]

The hardest thing in the world is to tell someone you love more than anything,that it is ok for them to go.I never had this chance,but I did have to listen as the doctor explained to me over the phone that my mom was dying.He wanted to know if I wanted CPR done on her when her heart stopped.I couldn't believe we were talking about my mom.He told me she was in extreme pain and that even if CPR was done,her heart would stop again soon after-all her organs were failing,she was 59.I wanted more than anything to scream out-do everything to keep her here on this earth!!!But I knew that would be selfish and told him to not do CPR.She died the next morning and my life hasn't been the same without my best friend!!Hugs to you all who are going through the same hell.

[missingumum]

hello butterfly i agree it was that hardest thing to say its ok mum but also the best thing as we didnt want her to suffer anymore wat im finding hard right now is mothers day and all the adverts on tv it seems all i keep doing is turning tv over or cryingit was the same at christmas i thorght i would never get threw it but i did i also had a smile watching my children open there pressents but a sadness also that i cudnt ring my mum altho i rang my dad to make sure he was doing ok my mum was 61 still young and has been married to my dad for 43 yrs altho my dad says he is doing ok i no he must b hurting but i no he will tell me wen the time is right that he wants to tlk i dont want to push him

[elissaeternally]

Missingumum. My mom also had difficulty breathing the morning she passed.She called my grandmother (her mom) that morning and told her she was feeling short of breath. My grandmother urged her to call 911 since no family was around to help my mom because she was 2 hours away at my familys second home. At first my mom didnt want to call an ambulence because she didnt think the situation was that serious. Even though she told my grandmother that she felt "strange" my mom still didnt think it was a big deal. My grandmother called my uncle and told him my mom was having trouble breathing but not taking the situation seriously and he called my mom and told her sternly to call 911 and then so she did. My uncle also called a neighbor that was near where my mom was staying just so he could go and check on her. Even Joe (the neighbor and family friend) said my mom looked blue in the face. Why would she think the situation wasnt that serious?? It messes with my head when i think of how my mom must have woke up that morning and had no idea what was to happen to her later that day. Im sorry if that upset anyone. I just have so many thoughts flooding my mind right now. Well back to the story. My mom fussed with the EMT when they arrived and insisted she didnt need to go to the hospital but they took her anyway. As soon as she got to the hospital she lost stability and stopped breathing. She was revived and 10 mins later flatlined again... It absolutely breaks my heart when i think of how scared and in pain my mom might have been in. Especially that no family was with her at her final moments. As soon as my family got the call from the hospital that mom had passed, we all gathered eachother up (i immediately left my job) and we drove to the catskills in NY as fast as possible. There is so much more to the story that i hope to share in the forum soon. Please forgive me for the jumbled mess of sentences. I needed to type and let out this hurt as fast as i could. Ill always be greatful that I spoke with my mom on the phone the night before. She called me in such a happy mood. She wanted to tell me how happy she was that all her friends and neighbors stopped by throughout the day to bring her homemade foods and desserts because they all knew she couldnt get around too easily to cook since she was on crutches. her friends always came around but i mean, each and all of her friends came the day before she passed. In some strange way its like they knew subconsciously that something was going to happen. Even the way she said "i love you" before we hungup that night seemed odd to me, like she also knew. She always said it but something made me stop and react. I said back "awww mommy! I love you too. Ill call you tomorrow" and that was it. Those will forever be the last words i will always remember. Again sorry for the rambling. Anyone if you are still reading this, please reply and share with me your feelings. We all need to be here for eachother and let out the anger, guilt, sadness, and anything else we feel. Thats what our grieving is about.

[sissy4]

as i said befor my mom died on feb 25 3:40am, my birthday was the 24th. she was so sick with mrsa sepsis. i guess i just thought she would get better like she always did. i thought she had forgotten my b day and i was gunna tease her bout it the next day. she had been i the hospital for over a week so she might have just lost track of days. im still reminding myself that i cant call her when i pick up the phone. she said she wanted to talk to me about somthing.i wish we could have had that conversation. i have 4 kids that she loved so much. i guess im just rambling........still crying myself to sleep at night. its starting to feel really real. i guess i just wanted to talk about her. 

[missingumum]

I TOTALY UNDERSTAND THE FEELING OF WANTING TO TLK ABOUT HER AND FEEL FREE TO AS MUCH AS U LIKE I WILL ALWAYS LISTEN I HAVE JUST HAD MY DAD FOR A WEEK AND THE FIRST TIME HE HAS VISITED SINCE MY MUM PASSED IT WAS GREAT HIM BEEN HERE ALTHO STRANGE AS MY MUM WASNT WITH HIM WE TLKED A LITTLE ABOUT MUM BUT I COULD SEE THE HURT AND PAIN IN HIS EYES I WONT SEE HIM AGAIN NOW UNTIL AUGUST WEN I GO TO ENGLAND FOR MY MUMS 1ST ANGEL ANNIVERSARY AND I NO HOW U FEEL ABOUT JUST WANTING TO HEAR HER VOICE I LONG TO HEAR MY MUMS EVERDAY I STILL HAVE  HER PHONE NUMBER IN MY FONE AND WONT ERRASE IT NOT EVER TAKE CARE SWEETY XXXXXXXXXXXXX

[jackson923]

First, I'd like to express my condolences to everyone on here that's lost a parent. I've posted on here before and whenever I'm feeling down I always come back here to read everyone's stories.  It's strange, but reading what everyone else is going through validates my feelings, because with every post I read I have gone through/am going through every bit of it. I lost my mom on August 24th, and I think about it every day. She had emphysema and cirrhosis and she fell one night and no one found her until the next day. We waited a few days for her to wake up but the doctors didn't give us much hope, and my brothers and I had to make the decision to take her off of life support.  I've seen posts about people wishing they had one last chance to talk to their mothers... I had always thought I wanted that too.. Then I had the chance. Before we took her off life support the 3 of us had our moment with her alone.. I never pictured that moment, and when it finally came I didn't know what to say. I told her I loved her, and that it was alright for her to go, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about what else I could have said. I hate that my last memory of her is her with tubes down her throat, hooked up to machines... I hate that I stood there by her bedside when they took the tube out and watched her pass...

The past 6 months have been really tough, going through all the "firsts" without her: her birthday, my birthday, thanksgiving, christmas.... I'm 24 now and it eats me up when I think about all the things in my life that she won't be here for (wedding, kids, etc.). I still have her number in my phone, still under my favorites and I don't think I'll ever take her out. I think about calling her every day. What I've noticed is that I have a couple 'good' days and then a string of bad days. It's particularly difficult at night, which I've noticed that a lot of you have the same issue. I don't know what it is about the nighttime, maybe it's just that it's a reflective time, but I still cry every night. I just miss her so much, and even though its been 6 months it still feels like it was yesterday.

I used to talk to my friends about it, but I felt like I kept repeating myself and I didn't want to keep coming to them with the same issues. Does anyone else feel that way?

[butterfly13]

I feel the same exact way.I know all of my friends think I'm doing great because I have stopped talking to them about the hell I'm still going through without my mom.They must think that I have moved on and I'm ok,but they don't see me when I'm alone,I still cry constantly and the pain in my heart is always right there.I think about my mom constantly.I have stopped talking to my friends about the way I'm really feeling because I could tell they were getting tired of hearing it and none of them have experienced their moms death-yet.

I know remembering your mom with all those tubes in her must be so hard,but at least you had the courage to be with her and tell her you love her.I never did this,everyone kept telling me how horrible my mom looked when she was rushed to the hospital.As I was getting the courage to go and see her-she died.I almost think that she didn't want me to see her like that,but I regret not being there for her when she died.I can only imagine how scared and lonely it must have been for her to die alone and it breaks my heart.

[missingumum]

Today is mothers day and im missing my mum so much my 1st motherdays day with out her altho iv told her happy motherday and that i love her just a fone call also my dear  motherinlaw who i also miss so much mothers day wont ever be the same again altho i have 3 beautifull children who i love so much they have gone the extra special with a i love u teddy a cup chocolates and night dress ahhhhhhhhh feel so lucky but i also do miss my mum alot but i no she will b smiling down on us all and so will my inlaws sending special angel hugs and kisses to us all xxxxxxxxxx i hope u are all well i also saw my mum with tubes and things but im trying now to get passed that image and remembering the good times we has its hard but it does make u smile xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:)

[momsgirl08]

This week is the first week i have ever really showed any type of emotion since my mom passed away in July 09.  Her birthday is on April 18th and this week has been somewhat of an emotional week...I've wanted to talk about her death a lot this past week but whenever I get ready to I always somehow end up crying.  The other day in the car I was listening to a cd and Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson was on there and I couldn't even listen all the way through without crying...the next day I put in the cd and I listened all the way through.

This past Monday was also the first time I have ever bought something and placed it at my mothers grave...

I just feel like my mother is looking down on my smiling and keeping me safe, but I know some of the things I have done in the past should wouldn't be so happy about.

I miss her and figured talking on a message board about it to people whose been there would help me.

[cherylz]

My mother's Birthday was the 17th.  Still dealing with the aftermath myself.  Hope you continue to take steps forward.

 

[Guest My Mom]

Butterfly i know how you feel all the way - i too have stopped talking to any friends over how it feels - they dont understand and just i can tell what to cringe and run --

i feel the pain and hurt all the time as well my mom past on in jun 07 - i dont have her voice on anything at all - that hurts so much so ---

i miss laying with her and watching tv with her

the last night she was all her in her mind -- and not half out of it -- she wanted to spend time with me and i was mad bc she didnt want to go to the hospital - she had been sick that day so i slammed my door and went into my room for maybe 30 minutes when i came back out she was sleeping so i didnt bother her - after that she past on in a few days at home and wasnt able to communicate again very much at all - i will always regret that so much so --- maybe she wanted to talk etc - she had been so ill that day that she couldnt reach her pills - she kept having me give her - her pills i was so angry and wanted to get her help but the drs had said some time earlier that the end was near so she was wanting to leave then i think - i think maybe she had - had a stroke - and thats what was wrong -- but she just insisted no more hospitals so what could i do ? hospice came in that night i think i remember -  and you know the rest of the story - they dont help they just rush em to die asap - i hated that so much so -- i am in school right now but am having a hard time finishing or even thinking of working after wards - i am in so much pain much of the time - this time of year reminds me of her so much so -- i dont know if when i finish school if i will be able to work or not i am so lost and in so much deep pain & grief all the time - my poor husband doesnt know what to do but to hug me when i get to crying etc --

i know this grief is taking its toll on our marriage - but i am helpless to do anything about and need to grieve - it cant be helped - its not like getting over a broken arm etc - its your mother of your whole entire life you have lost ya know ?

so i understand -- heck even at school during my lunch breaks i cry at times there to

i have had many friends i have lost over this grief - and family members to who have said just get over it -

i also have had many relatives just abruptly stop speaking to me over my mom - which is fine they never loved her any ways i guess -

how do you go on knowing that you wont ever see your mom again in this life no matter how bad it gets ? thats what hurts so much so--  and more stuff to

[Guest My Mom]

Mine also wanted to say something to me to but i screwed that up to hell --

[Guest My Mom]

To the guest's whose moms are dying or sick - get their voices on something ASAP - dont be like me - i will never hear my moms voice again

[butterfly13]

Guest-I also feel so bad because the last time I saw my mom(3weeks before she died)we had a huge fight because I begged her to go to the hospital,but she wouldn't.I told her I wouldn't visit her again unless she agreed to get help-she looked terrible!!Every time we talked on the phone afterwards we would argue because I would bring up going to the hospital.Her last full day alive was the only day I never called her,I figured I had been bothering her enough,but unfortunately that was the day she needed me the most.My brother found her later that night very confused and screaming in pain,it kills me to think of how she suffered all day long like that.She died in the hospital the next morning.

It will be 2yrs.soon since she died and I still can't believe she is gone.She was my best buddy and everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of her.The thought of never seeing her again makes me want to throw up!!!Every single day is still a struggle,I wake up in the morning and pray that it has all been just a nightmare.

[silver38]

i know what you mean (i am the guest as i wasnt logged on just now)

i just want this nightmare to end, i feel like telling God every day which i do a lot i cant survive this --

i am so sorry about your mom i know how you feel as i was doing the same thing and she was in a lot of pain also - i lost my chance to really sit down and speak to her

do you have her voice on anything ?

[silver38]

my mom was my best buddy and only family --  i feel like i cant eat a lot i just get so sick to my stomach also -

my moms last few days were awful tremendous high fevers etc -- and she wasnt drinking any water at all what so ever -

the hospice of course didnt help at all with that -- they just let her lay there and die -

they didnt do a iv etc or anything at all

i am so sorry - the fact that your mom was in so much pain & alone - well i cant imagine how bad you feel --

hugs

[silver38]

i feel like i have moments where ia m also going crazy as i just now read another ladys post - she said that she felt that way often - sometimes i wonder if i go back to where i last her alive etc and on and on it goes is she will be there and alive - i think they call it bargining - i go thru that a lot -

i gave my mom a big hug on her last day she was with it all and i said that hug will have to last me the rest of my life and i cried -- she was to out of it to cry --

she said i am so tired honey let me rest - it was night time and that was the last time she was with it at all she died a few days later and never came around again at all

[debfla]

my mom was 89 when she passed away.i wasted so much time in not talking to her about her life and what she saw in her generation.she was in the nursing home bed and i was more interested in going to my doctor to get my anxiety under control.she passed away alone.i could not cope with my guilt that i tried to kill myself taking over 100 pills.i wish i could do everything over again and tell her how much i loved her. 

[butterfly13]

silver38-I am also so sorry that you are going through this hell-and yes,it is hell!!How long has your mom been gone?I constantly feel very guilty that my mom died alone,but honestly I think she wanted it that way.Her last few months she really pushed me away and seemed to distance herself from me and everyone else.I took it personally at the time,I couldn't understand why she wasn't calling me anymore or when we would talk on the phone she would end the conversation fast.I now know that is a sign that someone is close to death.I don't have her voice recorded on anything and my biggest fear is that I will one day forget what she sounded like,what her laugh sounded like etc...I never want to forget one thing about her!!

[silver38]

butterfly me too - i am so afraid i will forget things about her and i to dont have anything with her voice etc -

she past in 07

hugs

ps do you bargin ?  i think thats what i do at times --

[butterfly13]

Oh yes silver,I bargain too!I re-live her last few months in my mind constantly,her last few weeks etc...I remember everything!Our last conversation,the last time I saw her.I miss her so much my heart actually hurts.Sometimes as stupid as it sounds,I expect to see her again,I guess I just can't actually believe she is really gone,I selfishly ask myself-how could she leave me?We were best friends.I still haven't had one single day without crying.I wonder if this will go on for the rest of my life?It seems like such a long and lonely life without her in it.

[silver38]

i know what you mean i too feel the same way i also constantly relive certain moments - like after she past on i wonder if maybe it was a dream or if i wished it was enough maybe it would be ? and i ran as fast as i could back into her bedroom

i was in our apt at the time. things like that so sad really -

i some times wonder if i could go back in time and be at a certain place somewhere etc if i could see her again things like that - they call it bargaining -- my life seems so far away with out her in it and so long -

i died with her i guess --

i cant imagine living the rest of my life without her in it at all - i want to say more but i am sick today so i will save some for later - hugs

[karenbagoroses]

By sheer accident I found this board. I have been searching for a week now for a place I can come & grieve with others.

I lost my mother on May 5th. She went into the hospital for one thing & almost 2 weeks to the day she died of something we never saw coming. My brother & I had to make the choice of letting mom go instead of suffering  thru hell for 3-6 months. Within 24 hours she was gone. I SO THANK THE HOSPICE FOR THE WONDERFUL CARE THEY GAVE TO MOM AND US. 

I was my mom's caregiver. We thought we would have to watch Alzheimers take her away from us slowly. Instead she is gone much sooner than we ever imagined. And in a way I never imagined. Mentally I was prepared for Alzheimers. I had a plan all set in place. I kept up on all the latest news---I even began to look for longterm care to have it in place when the time eventually came.

Instead I sit here crying my eyes out. I miss her so much it kills me inside. I can't begin to think of when this pain will go away. I know it will happen---but right now it feels like it will never go away. When my dad died it was easier--because I knew if it had been my mom---then it would have been the hardest thing for me. AND IT IS.

Maybe my finding this site was a sign from my mom. My brother got one and I was sorta jealous. Maybe she led me here so I can find the help and support I am needing.

[Guest Imissyou!]

Thank you everyone for posting your stories.  I wish you all peace and love.  I too lost my mom in January.  She died in her sleep on night after spending the weekend at my house.  She was not sick at the time, just closed her eyes one night and that was the end.  I AM DEVASTED TO SAY THE LEAST AND FIND IT IMOSSIBLE TO FUNCTION AT TIMES!  Now thinking back, there were some signs that she probably suffered a heart attach (interjestion, pale face, fatique) and I missed them.  I was too wrapped up with what we were celebrating that weekend.  I feel very guilty and mad at myself. 

 If only she was honest with how she was feeling, I could have gotten her help!  If only I slowed down a bit to notice!  If only I had one more conversation with her, I could thank her for all she has done for me!

I too look for signs!  I have read endless information about signs and conversations with those on the other side.  I have not found anything concreat to share.  My mom and I depended on one another and spoke on the phone at least 4 times a day.  I know she would want to reach out to me and send me a sign if she could.  I hope and pray for some indication that she is in a place where she is happy and safe.  I would ask her what happened that night and why did she not let me help her. 

 My lose it still very recent but as time goes on, it is getting harder and harder to except!

Thanks for listening!

[agnaq111809]

I too find this website  as a place to be with those who know how I feel.  I lost my mother in November.  The first month was full of tears and ultra sensitivity.  Today marks 6 months since she passed away.  I am stronger.  I have had several dreams of her. Couple of them were answers to my deep anxiety of whether or not she was o.k. even though... I believe in God.  However He knows that I've had problems with my Faith.  I doubted too much.  In one dream, my mother was by the window of my late aunt's house where my other aunt and I were in.  She was 'waiting for a bus' when we asked her what she was looking out for.  She looked very confident and not a worrisome mom here on earth like she used to be sometimes.  We asked her who was coming.  She said 'they're almost here'.  Her look assured me that I'm never to worry about her anymore, that whomever/wherever she was going was some place so wonderful that she just couldn't wait for the bus to come.  And that I better get on with living.  Since that  time, I have not worried about her anymore.  I also know that our mothers/fathers never leave us in spirit.  They are with us just as we are never alone.  God, Jesus, Holy Spirit takes care of us ALL the TIME. Believe it.

[Guest vickyad]

So, I have found others like me at last. I lost my mother to cancer on April 8, 2010 at 4:40am. We took her to the  hospital with complaints of pain in her lower groin area, they diagnosed her with congestive heart failure and sent her home on a cardio diet. A few weeks later the pain was still present so we returned to the hospital, after many tests it was discovered mom had cancer-large cell lymphoma. I was crushed, that was on March 31st. After more tests it was determined it was in her bone marrow as well. No chemo, no radiation, nothing. We met with hospice on the morning of April 7th, she was transferred that evening, she passed eight hours after her arrival there. I was with her all night loving her every little bit I could. She was aware of things I said and did for her, but after she passed I couldn't part with her body for almost three hours, it seemed so unreal, I kept watching for her breath again but....of course she did not. I can not begin to describe my feelings of being cheated and lost. I thought I had more time, the rep. for the hospice house told me that they generally take patients when they have 3-4 weeks left, not 8 hours, I am still struggling with that.  How could the hospital or hospice not have known how gravely ill she was??? She had developed the "death rattle" 3-4 days prior to her death, no one told me that noise she made when she exhaled was an indication of impending death... I could write on & on but I want everyone to know that I am finding some peace knowing she's no longer in pain, but still can't imagine tomorrow without her. I hate to go to sleep b/c/ I know I have to wake up & remember again she's gone. She was only 68 and only knew she had cancer for 9 days. I am struggling to do day to day things, my mind is on her all the time. I want to talk to her. I too try to bargain, so to speak but thus far I haven't had any signs from her. I do know she was a christian and has gone to Heaven. I wouldn't want to wish her back here b/c she is perfect now, no pain, no sorrows but it never removes my feelings of desperation and loss. I can only hope we can all make it without our amazing mothers in our lives. I am trying to do what I think she'd want but even that is hard b/c I didn't get to talk to her about any of those things, it happened too quick...I too am lost in a world with no mother.

[soultwist]

Hi all.When i lost my stepdad in'03 that was painful enough,but when i lost my stepmom/confidant last summer to lung cancer it nearly destroyed me.We were like twinsouls.Now i feel like a puzzle with a part missing.There was a full moon the night she died.I cursed God and then felt horrible about it.Life just seemed like a meaningless obstacle course where i was just a puppet and  a higher being was sitting back pulling the strings and laughing while i suffered but demanded love and adoration nonetheless.It was so bad that just two days after she died i left our home state of Tenn. and moved out here to my brothers(through our maternal mom who's still living)on the west coast.I cried on the bus all the way out here.I used to sit on my brothers balcony here late at night last summer,hoping she'd appear,but knowing deep down that i would never see her beautiful face again or hear her voice call my name.Although i have come a long way in the grief process since then,there is still a horrible feeling of loss and that i will never be the same carefree person i used to be and i still sometimes walk to the little creek next to my brothers apartment late at night or go in the bathroom and cry.Sometimes life seems so trivial and meaningless,although i know better.I hope to find work soon and get out on my own as i know this will help me immensely in moving on.I wish she and dad would visit me through an apparition or dream so i'd know for sure they're okay.I used to believe i'd see them again someday on the other side,but after reading about different NDE's,i am afraid they'll be on a higher plane/realm than me when i leave this world.At first i was releived by reading about NDE's but when i read some of the negative hellish experiences,i am now terrified of deathbut i know someday we will all pass on to the next realm.I now have more empathy for others who lose a loved one and my heart aches for all of you.I love my brother dearly,but he and my uncle who also lives here after a bitter divorce thats left him angry at the world,both drink.And last summer listening to them argue drunk while the loss of my stepmom was still so fresh,i came close to suicide.Now it's not so bad,but i still know instinctively that once i find work,make new friends and get out on my own,i will heal even more.God bless everyone here and the creators of Beyond Indigo. soultwist.

[karenbagoroses]

Vickyad---

Your story is almost my story. My mom died May 5th, 2010 of multiple myelonma. We had no clue she had cancer till 2 weeks before she died. Appartently it was already in her bones---and they gave her 3-6 months to live. Her kidneys had shut down--and we were looking at putting mom thru hell for what was left of her life.

Mom went to the Hospice and died 12 hours later. We had left an hour before she died--which I made peace with. I am still struggling with now knowing all her symptoms were cancer. BUT WHO KNEW????

Today I am really missing my mom. It just kills me that she is gone. She lived with us--so right now it feels like when mom still lived in her own home. I keep thinking I need to go over today---or how many days till I go over---and I keep wanting to reach for the phone.

I refuse to remember many details of the last 3 weeks of mom's life. When I do allow myself to go there---all I can remember if her staring at me---as if she'd forget what I looked like.

I just miss her so much.

You aren't alone in this.

[butterfly13]

Two yrs.ago today was the last time I ever talked to my mom,she died two days later.If it is even possible,I actually miss her more and feel more lost without her.My life seems so long and lonely without my best buddy.Karenbagobones,I heard somewhere that when someone stares at you like that before they die,it is because they want to remember you forever and take your image with them where they are going(heaven).

[aquarius7]

My BEST FRIEND of my ENTIRE LIFE passed away Thursday night. My dearest Mom who has been with me since DAY 1 (even though there were times when I was in college which was out of town or travelling) flew from this Earth after fighting stage 4 lung cancer.  You can read all about what happened to her in another post of mine.

I cried so much for the last 6 weeks while she was diagnosed that strangely I did not cry as much when she passed and when they took her body away from the house. When they did take her away I hugged our dog whom she loved and cried and cried.

Tonight was the first night in the house since she passed away. I can honestly say it has been absolutely horrible. Knowing that my Mom will never, ever be in this house again, never call me from it, never tell me something is on TV she thinks I might be interested in, never cook in it again, never be there when I get home and never come walking through the door again is simply killing me. I feel I am losing my mind.

Also, I am extremely depressed. I know I will eventually be forced out of this house by my siblings who now own a 4th of it as I do. They will want their share and make me leave. I just looked for a potential place to move and found absolutely nothing I like, nor can afford. To make matters worse, my income is very minimal. I can find no job that is worthwhile and steady with security.  I have never felt this low and desperate in my entire life.

I am starting to hate my life and everything that has led up to it. It seems like my entire life has been an entire mistake and all my enjoyment of life and worry-free take it as it comes attitude has now caught up with me.

I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE HELP!