Loss of a Mother

[Guest Guest]

My mom passed away suddenly of cardiac arrest on May 2nd. Most days I am fine, because I know she didn't want to live the way she had started to go (memory loss, etc.), but it was such a privilege to help take care of her. I miss her so much. I feel silly even posting, because I am an adult with adult children of my own. It is not like my mom was young, but oh, how I miss her. Just sitting with her refreshed me. I slept better at her house. She was kind and patient to the end, and the way my dad discovered she had gone was she didn't say thank you for a pillow he had brought her. It was a matter of minutes. But some days, like the last few, I just can't seem to stop crying. I miss her so very much. When I think of her, I am happy for her and at peace. When I think of myself, I feel like the little girl lost in the store who can't see over the top of the racks, calling, "Mom, Mom, where are you?" I have a tremendous belief in eternity, and faith in a future life. But the loneliness in this life is huge. For anyone who still has a mom or grandmother, forgive them for the things they say and do in their own anguish. When they are gone, you won't have a chance to extend that wonderful gift of forgiveness. Most people don't mean the cruel things they say, they are just letting out their own anguish. I noticed someone on this board is having that exact problem.

When I say forgive, that doesn't mean you have to position yourself to get kicked again. Just let go of the bitterness so you can heal, too.

I pray for us all. When I go to the cemetery I see so many graves, and wonder how much anguish there has been in the world as we separate from loved ones. I don't like the idea of having to go through this again! The loss of one parent and a sibling has been enough!

[mylittlemisty]

Thank you 4everjoeysmom and Asheepoo21 for your replies. I found them very comforting. I will email you sometime Ashley, and if you would like, you could email me as well at mylittlemisty@yahoo.com

I do journal often because I find it much easier to express my feeling through writing. I actually just started a new online journal a few days ago, http://onlyesterday.diaryland.com, if you would like to visit it. I love Diaryland.com, (I’ve used it for years) and I encourage anyone who hasn’t to do so. It’s easy to set up and maintain a diary, and can be extremely beneficial to use during times like these.

Thanks again. : )

Tara

[mofirefly]

To the guest who lost her mom May 2nd - Your post is absolutely beautiful. Please don't feel the least bit silly about being so very lonely - age has nothing to do with how we miss our moms. Your words about being happy for her and yet feeling like a lost little girl yourself ring so true to me - my mom died in a car accident Sep '05 and tho I'm doing much better now and not really griving, I most certainly am missing and will continue to miss her presence each and every day until I meet up with her again. Your words about forgivness are also so very true. Although I am so very sorry you have a reason to be posting here, I am grateful that you have, and I hope you will visit again whenever you need to as this is a beautiful place to share each others heartache. Take care.

[solemate]

mofirefly your words are beautiful and very much to the heart. I dont think that I could add anything more to your comments for guest. As a lady of some 50 years old, I too felt a little silly in posting my comments, however what I have found (like many others) is a relief and an open line of communication that is supportive of all of us no matter how, when and who we have lost. Its only been such a short time(2 mths+) that I lost my mum and dad together due to a car accident and yet I had them with me for over 50 years. This morning I went for a walk and along the way spoke to my mum and dad. No one heard me, but it felt so good to tell them I missed them and the hurt that I feel for the loss. I had a visit yesterday from a good friend. She has constantly been there for me and I value that relationship so much. I found myself saying to her that I no longer have my bad days, just bad moments. I know in my heart that this was not entirely true and I keep my grief to myself and try not to show it too much to others as it brings them down. No doubt we all miss our loved ones very much and the pain we all feel can be unbearable. Like mofirely said this is a beautiful place to share each others heartache - take care everyone

[Edmund]

hi folks, the world can be such a dark place sometimes. when mom was here it was never dark because she would brighten it all up. coming close to a year (8/22/06) & mom would have been 88 this 7//13. i know i should be grateful that she had such a long life but i still cry everyday-will that ever stop, i wonder? my heart gos out to all of you. plz continue (all of us) to pray for each other! love, ed

[mofirefly]

Solemate - Your comment on being a lady of some 50 years made me giggle - I myself have often felt much older than others on these boards (57) but I'm still a little girl who misses her mom and best friend and confidante...on these boards it's not who we are that matters - it's what we are sharing.

Edmund - I've read your posts for some time now and know you can't get on often, but as you near the one year moment do your absolute best to breathe deeply. As for crying everyday - I sincerely feel that tears release so much that does good for us that you need not worry about when they will stop - you had such a wonderful life with you mom and miss her so terribly...the tears are your bodies way of releasing some of the pain.

TAKE CARE ALL!

[michellemarie]

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 66 years old. It is the first time she is not here for her day. I cried last friday and thought I would be okay today but I was wrong.My sister called me this morning and we did alot of reminincing about mama.

It felt good to laugh at the stories. But afterward my daughter called and asked me how I was doing and I just lost it. I tried calling my mom's older sister and pour my heart out but she wasn't home and I cried into her answering machine.

Then I called my mom's other sister and I got a chance to talk to a cousin who I haven't seen in 23 yrs. She lost her sister to a brain anuerysm 2 weeks before my mom died last July.

We got to talking and she said she had left a abusive marriage. I told her I had

some years back. To make a long story short I was able to give her the advice she needed about trying to be nice to her soon to be ex and do the right thing to protect herself. She told me that she felt I was meant to call her.

My mom was a good mom and I miss her so much.... She was my best friend. I know she is watching over us all and every so often I feel her nearby. A mom is a mom forever. My mom's name is Mary Morrison..I love you mom!!!!

[Guest Guest]

It has been 3 weeks since my mom passed away. She died of lung cancer after a rough 2 year battle. She was doing okay on some of the treatments but then she quickly progressed the last few months and suffered horribly for a few weeks. My father, two sisters, and I were all there by her side through it all and now life seems to be at a standstill. I am still fairly young (37) I have a daughter and a new baby on the way. I feel liike I have been walking around in a daze since the funeral and I don't know when or how I am going to be able to snap out of it. The strange thing is that I cannot get the horrible images of her in the hospital out of my head. I try and think of some good memories but they don't seem to be there. I know there are all kinds of amazing memories somewhere in the back of my mind, but I feel like I cannot access them.

I have been reading some of the posts and I can relate to so many people and the difficultlies they are facing. I keep waiting for some sign or a dream or something that will tell me everything is going to be okay and she is better now. We are not a touchy feely family but I cannot help but look back on this experience and regret not opening up my heart more. Maybe if I did then she would also do the same, and that is probably what I am looking for and searching for the most. Something from her that lets me know everything is okay. That she is proud of all of us and loves us and we are all going to be fine.

Can anyone relate to this feeling of regret?

It has even gone to the point now where I would love to see a medium of some sort just to have some closeure if that is possible. I don't even know if I believe in them necessarily, but I cannot stop fixating on what was not said, should have been said and wishing I said.

Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

m

[nurse08]

Well today the lawyer for the wrongful death lawsuit told us that they will be filing a lawsuit against the truck driver, the trucking company, and the individual driver of the other car that caused my mom's death. I recieved the autospy report yesterday and reading it was like going thru her death all over again. It was a violent death even though she died quickly. I can't discuss it because it is too horrid to talk about. I had to read it. I wanted to know what happened to her and yet reading the autopsy I found comfort when I read that there was white powder on her chest because my mom always used powder when she got ready in the morning and I can see her pouring the powder right now. On top of my mom dying, my teenage son is going to court next week for truancy and failing a drug test at his juvenile probation school. After my mom's funeral, he quit going to school all together and even though I think grief is a good enough reason for just giving up, the school does not so next Thursday they are going to lock him up for two weeks in juvenile detention for skipping school and smoking pot. It is ridiculous. It makes no sense to lock him up with gang members, rapists, murderers, and thieves just because he smoked pot and didn't go to school. I think this will be the last straw for him and I am afraid this will completely destroy his spirit. The justice system is pathetic and they could care less about his loss or mine. I am about ready to give up completely on everything. I can't even grieve because of this. I'm afraid I am going to have a nervous breakdown. What is really bad, is that I am going to have to pay 109.00 a day for two weeks while he is detained and if I can't make the payment that set up for me to pay each month, I will be arrested and sent to jail, I will lose my job, have to quit nursing school, and my younger child will be placed in a foster home. I can't take much more. no one cares.

[mofirefly]

Nurse08 - I simply can't stand the way our society treats people like you and your son! How dare they think that locking him up is a solution...and if I'm this upset I can't even begin to comprehend how you are feeling. Do you have any type of support there with you, like a church or something, where you could go for assistance...I truly believe that sending him to a church program for teens would be a far better type of help. Please try to locate some assistance also for the cost....it would be ridiculous for you other son to be placed in foster care at a time like this for no other reason than you are grieving and can't deal with anymore. I'm so sorry I didn't read this sooner, but even tho I'm only here thru cyberspace...I do care and care deeply...I simply don't know how I can help. Please return to the boards and let us know how you are doing....and please try to find assistance. Take Care!

[mofirefly]

Nurse08 - I also wanted to let you know I understand how you felt you had to read the report...I too went thru wrongful death when I lost my mom...and I also wanted all the details. I've read that that is quite common when a person is trying to deal with a sudden loss. If you got comfort from reading about the powder, have you thought of putting some of that fragrance on a cloth and keeping it with you...I did something simalar for a long time. Oh how my heart is aching for you. Please take care.

[michellemarie]

To Guest: I know exactly how you feel with the would haves, should haves.My mom was affectionate but I grew up kinda reserved. It always bothered my mom. But in place of that she and I could talk about things noone else would talk about- like our pending deaths, our dreams and hopes.

I have alot of regret too. When she was in the throes od dying I just sat in the chair and watched her. I could kick myself forever for not holding her hand, kissing her cheek before she left. I guess I was just numb. I was watching my mom,the indestructable passing before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Your mom is with you every waking moment. Just say those words now, she will hear them.How do I know? Because when I graduated phlebotomy classes last Dec,(she knew I was was starting classes before she passed),I talked to her on the way to pick up my certificate. I said' mom, I know if you were here right now you would give me a big hug. And when I got to class not even 2 minutes in there the phone rang. Never had it rung that whole time. And again it rang. I know it was my mom letting me know she was proud.

Hang in there and always come back to these boards. My mom had lung cancer too. My sympathies are with you...

[thinkingoutloud]

Thanks to mofirefly and soulmate for your response. I have joined the boards, and you will notice my user name. I was on here as guest.

You are right, this is a beautiful place to share the heartache, and hopefully also our hopes for the future!

I live about a hundred miles from where my mom is buried, so I go to the cemetery whenever I visit my dad, but that is not as often as I would like. It is hard to believe my vibrant mother is there. Of course I know it is just her body, nothing but a shell. The spirit that made up my mom is off doing something else, and sometimes I am sure she is checking on me. I am also in my early fifties, and my mom lost her own mother when she was 17. I try to tell myself how lucky I am that I had her in my life for three times as long as she had her mother, but it still is lonely. I am so grateful I still have my father. He is a good and kind man (though not really very patient!). Other than calling and visiting, I wish there was more I could do to help him. They had been married almost 61 years.

Sometimes I hope I am having a horrible dream and will wake up, but it just doesn't happen. My one son said he doesn't want anything from Grandma's house because it hurts too much. She was like a second mother to my kids when I got divorced, and they are having a hard time with it.

to Nurse 08--I am so sorry for the way you are being treated. Maybe the judge will be merciful and understand that some kids just go bananas over the loss of someone close. My own kids had major problems while we were preparing for the funeral, and I talked my one son out of filing charges on the other and said I would pay the damages for what he destroyed in his rage if he didn't make good on it. Then he was afraid the police were after him and we couldn't find him. It was a nightmare. Everyone handles pain and sorrow differently, and the young are just learning what works for them. They make mistakes, and need guidance, not something like what you are describing when they are already in pain. Yes, they need to learn they have to still go on, but the way to do that can differ widely depending on the motivation. I believe in teaching, not punishing whenever possible.

To Michellemarie and Guest--Our parents generations had trouble expressing affection openly. I talked to my folks about this. They had never noticed, but all of my friends complained about the exact same thing. They were amazed, but realized they, along with their friends, did not openly express affection. Instead they lived it. Your mom loved you very much, and it is obvious there is a lot of love in your family when you describe the scene in the hospital. If you weren't loved, and if she didn't know she was loved, it wouldn't have been that way. Be kind to yourself. She knows your heart.

Thanks to all!

[solemate]

It is late and I have had a good day right up until the time I got out my Mum's sewing machine. She used this machine nearly every day for the last 50 years. The machine is lovely and is decorated in black and gold. My darling Mum sewed clothes for me as a child, teenager, young woman and mother. More recently she had used the machine to sew antique clothing for her dolls that she lovingly collected. I tried to use the machine just to take up the hems of some new trousers that I had bought. I could just see her sitting there using the machine and it was all too much for me. The trousers are untouched and the machine is sitting there amongst my tears. Its only a sewing machine but it means so much to me and has the strongest memories of my Mum. I thought that by using it I would feel a warmth, but alas I was only very miserable and quite distressed. I will try again tomorrow. To all who post and read take care and a lesson I learnt from someone is not to be hard on ourselves, allow our feelings out - no matter how shallow or deep they may be. Each person is different, each person is responding to their own situation in a way that only they know how. People shouldnt be judged but supported during their grief. I will be starting a new job next week and will give it my best. I need this as a challenge and to distract me from the pain that I still feel. I have had 12 wks of grief, estate issues and family members to deal with - time for some me time. love to you all and be good to yourselves and take care.

[urpuppy1990]

i just wanted to tell everyone to look at the positive times and look at all the time u got to spend with them. Its hard i know becuz im only 16 and i lost my mom 6 months ago. just take it easy.

[janiceaden]

Greetings all,

The loss of a mother seems to have put most of us on standstill. My mother's passing late last year has changed my perspectives in life. I no longer dwell as much and have learnt through hard times that family is important. I am expecting baby number 3 in November and also moving into a bigger home and new area, I am both excited but sad that my mother won't be around to share in my new profound happiness. I am anticipating a hard road ahead as a mothers hand is always needed and when you don't have a mother life seems to be that little bit tougher. Long gone are the days mum would send me home with a dish of Lasagna for that nights dinner, or just having her around to help raise my children with me. I miss our shopping trips, our luncheons and her sense of humour. She was only 53 and at the prime of her life, it angers me to think that a cancer stole her away from me but reassured that nothing lasts forever and that one day we shall be reunited. I am just curious now if I am carrying a baby girl as I have had two dreams in which she told me I was.... I still got a few more months to go as I am not finding out the gender as I have both a boy and girl, the third will be a pleasant surprise either way... Just letting you know that we are not alone and to keep up our postings.... JB

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I am so so sad...My mom got sick this time last year and I could have never imagined that less than 4 months later she would die. I still can't believe I am saying the word 'die' and my mother at the same time..which I am sure most of you feel or have felt that way. My Mom died on Oct 17th 2006 and it was exactly 8 months on Father's day. My Aunt died on May 24th (my mom's oldest sister) and having to watch someone die again...It is just eating me up inside and plus I just broke up with my live in boyfriend. So loss is all around me and yet I keep getting up and going to work but I feel so much emotional pain all the time...It is rough and I don't know how much longer I can go on with this pain. I am on meds but they don't do much for me anyway. Just venting, hopefully someone understands. I know I am not alone in grief, it just feels that way when you go home to an empty house and have too much time to think

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I am so so sad...My mom got sick this time last year and I could have never imagined that less than 4 months later she would die. I still can't believe I am saying the word 'die' and my mother at the same time..which I am sure most of you feel or have felt that way. My Mom died on Oct 17th 2006 and it was exactly 8 months on Father's day. My Aunt died on May 24th (my mom's oldest sister) and having to watch someone die again...It is just eating me up inside and plus I just broke up with my live in boyfriend. So loss is all around me and yet I keep getting up and going to work but I feel so much emotional pain all the time...It is rough and I don't know how much longer I can go on with this pain. I am on meds but they don't do much for me anyway. Just venting, hopefully someone understands. I know I am not alone in grief, it just feels that way when you go home to an empty house and have too much time to think

[nurse08]

You know it is strange when you are going about your day and something happens and you go to pick up the phone to call your mom and you remember that she is not here anymore. I do that all the time. I think to myself, I am going to call my mom or I have to tell her something and then I remember that she is not here. You go about your day and you are so busy and then it hits you like a brick wall that they are gone. It is hard. I have so much to share with her. I want to talk to her, see her. I don't think I have really had time to grieve because I have been so busy with my teenager who has been in a little trouble and then my mom's family acting so cold towards me and my sister. I'm afraid it is going to hit me when I least expect it. I have had some good news this week. A week after I was summoned to go to juvenile court with my son, the probation department called me and told me the entire case was dismissed and that he was being dismissd from the juvenile school because of his age. He will be 17 in September and not considered a juvenile anymore. Last week I was told he would be detained and this week everything is dismissed. Thank God. I have been calling around to find out where I can enroll him in a GED program because he hates school and I really don't think he is going to make up 4 years of lost credits. He will have to attend school for a month and then he can unenroll when he turns 17 and begin GED classes which are twice a week from 6-9 pm. I told him he has to get a job and start paying for his own expenses like clothes and entertainment. if he is not going to school full time then he is going to have to act like an adult and begin to accept responsibility as an adult. I hope everything works out. I thank everyone here for the support.

[nurse08]

I couldn't even make it through a whole shift at work today. I had to leave early because my little boy was sick, but I was happy I was able to leave. I just don't want to deal with people. You know what's hard after someone dies? There are so many people in the beginning that call you and ask you how you are and they come over, send food, and send cards, and then the funeral is over and your life returns to somewhat a normal routine and the phone calls stop. No one asks how you are and it really drives me crazy that people really do expect you to just snap out of it and get back to life. I lost it in my car the other day driving, I started screaming at God for taking my mom. I hope I am not going crazy. I don't sleep through the night anymore. I am exhausted and I want everyone leave me alone. And people have the nerve to ask me if I have finished my finals for nursing school. I could care less about school right now. I can't concentrate long enough to finish a paragraph. Would I be a failure if I quit? I wish my mom was here to tell me what to do. I really am mad at God. What was he thinking? Why did he do this? I want her back. I still really need her. I am so lost without her.

[solemate]

Dear Nurse08 I so feel your pain and hurt. I too have experienced this

lost feeling and anger. My pain has never left me after the same day loss of my Mum and Dad, but with help from a grief counsellor I have learnt to cope with the grief and try to live life without them. I have now started a new position (responsible Management position) and this I hope will redirect my energies to doing this well. I know my Mum and Dad would have been very proud of me and my achievement. I travelled down the road today where they were killed. Its the first time I have been there, I tried not to look at the spot but concentrate on the beauty of the day and driving safely. I made it and this I see is a major breakthrough with dealing with my emotions. Like Nurse 08 and I am sure all of us, contacts lessen and the flowers stop. True friends will always be there for you and good hearted people avoid you for fear of asking 'how are you'. I too couldnt at times cope with my normal work - employment consultant, so I left and had time out. 12 wks after that tragic day, I am looking a bit brighter and have at times even laughted. It felt good to laugh again. Nurse 08 your feelings are normal, we all have felt these emotions where now or even much later. You are not a failure but a very lovely person who obviously loved her mum very much. Loosing our mums is a time in all our lives that we simply wish would go away. Our loses are real and only we know how much that feels. Be kind to yourself and allow your grief to flow through all the levels of emotions. Your mum is till with you (as is mine) - I speak to my Mum and not a day doesnt go buy that I am thinking of Mum and Dad. Nurse 08 be yourself and do what you need to do to have some peace. Without some peace, we will not survive this ordeal that we have to bear and that would be an even sadder situation. Take care everyone.

[bbarbie55]

Nurse08

There is nothing wrong with you it is all normal. I still can't sleep through the night and I have to take pills to cope.

I hope this gets better I just lost my daughter and then her dad my ex in two months time so its going to be along haul for me.

They say deaths come in threes and I saw my ex sister in law at the funeral and she don't look good she was just told she has ovarian cancer and a spot on her liver. She is only in her early thirties I hope they found it soon enough. She starts chemotherapy this Friday.

I guess when you divorce they are still family.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Deb

[asheepoo21]

hi all.

it's been a while since i have written. my like as an 18 year old is busier than i could imagine. lol welcome to everyone who is new, i hope you all are getting comfort and good feedback from everyone on here. this site is a life saver.

Things are going pretty good for me right now. I've been keeping busy so i guess that helps out a lot. I'm all ready for college, just looking into renting an apartment in the area of my school here in about a month. I was in a white water rafting accident a couple of weeks ago on a trip in tennessee and i was very close to dying. I hurt my knee really bad and had to be rushed to the hospital. But i'm doing okay now. I had my knee checked out yesterday and they said that i have a lot of fluid on it that needs to be drained and they also think that i have a torn meniscus (which means surgery) so i had to go get an MRI done yesterday so that they could see if it's really torn and I have to go get the results in the morning. so i'm kinda freaking out in a way because for all of you who know me on here, my knee's are HORRIBLE as it is, and I dont need anymore surgeries on my knees.

but anyway. i hope everyone it taking care. I'll try to get back on soon.

ashley

[mylittlemisty]

Nurse08,

When you mentioned picking up the phone to call your mother and then remembering she was gone, it reminded me of something similar I did when I first lost my mother. I remember coming home from school and starting to talk away upon coming in the door, only for it to suddenly hit me- she's not here anymore. I was so used to coming home each day and telling her every minute detail of my daily occurances. It was so hard, coming home and no longer have someone to share simple little things that only she could understand or care about. I understand exactly how you feel.

And a week ago today, I (somewhat) celebrataed my sixteenth birthday. It is just one of many milestones in my life that she will not be here to see, and it hurts to think ahead to all the things she is going to miss. I dread her upcoming birthday in August, for I return to school for band camp on this day and I fear I will be pretty emotional. She would have only been 46.

[Edmund]

i try to think every time i see a butterfly it's mom saying hi-ed

[nurse08]

mylittlemisty,

I can't imagine losing a mother at the age of 16. My heart goes out to you. Even though I am 37 with two kids of my own, I really still need my mom. I could tell her anything. She was wise and she listened. She always put her wants and needs last. She was an exceptional mother. I wish I could have told her that. There have been many days that I have wanted to quit nursing school since this has happened, but I am going to finish for my mom. I hope you have a good time at band camp and make some new friends and visit with some old friends. Know that your mom is with you in spirit walking behind you, guarding you and guiding you through your life. I was sitting outside one night after the funeral and I was praying and then I was talking to my mom out loud,the air was still, but when I finished talking to my mom, there was a breeze that caused just the tree infront of me to have some wind blow the limbs and leaves. That was my mom. Look for things like that to happen. I do believe that God allows things like that to happen to give us peace. God bless everyone on this forum.

[asheepoo21]

Nurse08,

When you mentioned picking up the phone to call your mother and then remembering she was gone, it reminded me of something similar I did when I first lost my mother. I remember coming home from school and starting to talk away upon coming in the door, only for it to suddenly hit me- she's not here anymore. I was so used to coming home each day and telling her every minute detail of my daily occurances. It was so hard, coming home and no longer have someone to share simple little things that only she could understand or care about. I understand exactly how you feel.

And a week ago today, I (somewhat) celebrataed my sixteenth birthday. It is just one of many milestones in my life that she will not be here to see, and it hurts to think ahead to all the things she is going to miss. I dread her upcoming birthday in August, for I return to school for band camp on this day and I fear I will be pretty emotional. She would have only been 46.

i'm very sorry for your loss. I am in the same boat. I lost my mom when i was 14, getting ready to turn 15 and i'm now 18. Birthdays are going to be the least painful for you just let me tell you. I just graduated from high school and that was probably the worst day of my life and really it is supposed to be one of the best days of your life. Marriage, kids, etc. I am also dreading. My mom would only be 37 on july 13th this year. She was so young. I hope you stay strong. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. Stick in there kido.

ashley

[nurse08]

Well, me and my sister found out today that my grandmother is moving out of my mom's house July 15th. My mom's benefits department told us today. My grandmother couldn't even tell us; we had to find out from my mom's work. They called us to see if we could get a toxicoloy report for the life insurance policy and then told us she was moving. She knew all along she was moving. Now we are stuck with a new house that has no equity in it and we have to sell it. from my standpoint, I think we should let it foreclose. There is no money in the estate to pay the house note and I can not afford two house notes and I am not uprooting my family to move into that house and let mine be rented or abandoned. In a way, it is good that she is moving because it has been very hard dealing with her and we could not rely on her to pay the note and we did not want to deal with all of that. I don't want to deal with any of it. Now I am going to have to go thru my mom's things and move them some where,not to mention the fact that my mom had two cats that she loved more than anything, but I can't take them because I have two cats and a dog-a lab that is in the house with us. I only have two bedrooms. I wonder if there is a place that would take the cats. My mom loved the cats. They were her kids, her family after the divorce with my father. I wouldn't want anything to happen to them. If I brought them over here, they would run off and get hurt or my cats would chase them off. This is so hard. I wish she was still here. Everyone has had their entire lives turned upside down and for what? They say everything happens for a reason. I don't know what that could possibly be. My grandmother is old and ill, was living with my mom, my mom picked herself up and started all over after an ugly divorce, saved her money for 10 years and lived in a tiny apartment and just when she is enjoying her house for two years, she is killed violently with parts of her brain scattered on a freeway. I do not see any reasoning in this at all, nothing good will come of this, families are destroyed, lives are destroyed, and people are hurting and for what?

[solemate]

Dearest Nurse 08 - I too lost my Mum (13 wks ago)with Dad also to a car accident - Mum had severe head injuries and a broken neck. We turned off her life support a few hrs after the accident. Please dont think about your Mum in the way you described it will eat away at you and it serves no purpose but to bring you down further into depression. I feel your anger, but I have learnt that anger fuels no result, just further pain. I found peace in knowing that Mum (and Dad) were at rest and although they were taken too soon and were not ill (albeit that Dad had some issues) neither suffered as being older things happened fairly instantly for both of them. Your situation with your grandmother is very unfortunate and I sincerely hope that everthing works out for you. I still yearn deeply for my parents and am slowly coming to accept that I shall never see them walk in my front door saying hello, or me seeing them for a cuppa. I cannot image your grief but know from my experience that dealing with my Mum and Dad's things was a small way of healing my grief. Do something for yourself that reminds you of your Mum, cry, sob and talk to her. I bought an item that I know my Mum would have liked and I now treasure it. Silly I know - but it helped me transfer my anger from the accident to feeling a small glow when I see this item all the time. Take care and be kind to yourself - its a hard road ahead (for all of us)

[thinkingoutloud]

I know this sounds crazy, but when I am overwhelmed by missing my Mom, I pretend she is on a trip. This week I have sent her to Nepal. I deliberately chose a place where there aren't a lot of phones. She loved to travel and sometimes I couldn't get ahold of her when she was out of the country in some obscure place. So I pretend she is having a great time and seeing new things. She probably is...just not in Nepal. Then I tell myself I have some great things to tell her when I see her again, and it helps me through the pain for the moment.

Today would have been two months since she dies suddenly of a heart attack. I miss her so much. And yes, the friends and everyone seems to drop off, just as the pain starts to get worse and the shock wears off. I spend a lot of time crying on my own. I am so lucky to have had such a wonderful mom. I am trying to be better with my own kids. And I sit here crying again.

I am glad things went well for Nurse 08 at court. Good luck. I hope your son is coming to grip with his grief. My own won't even begin to talk about it. And they won't go to the house. That means they are missing out on their grandpa, too, but they say it hurts.

I find sitting at her house a great comfort, but I can't sit in her recliner or her seat at the dinner table. I tried, but it hurt way, way too much.

[mofirefly]

Thinkingoutloud - You are absolutely not crazy for pretending you mom is on a trip - I've done the same sorta thing and I'm sure there are many others who have done it as well. You mentioned your kids can't handle going to the house, is it possible that your dad can come to your house to visit so he doesn't lose out on seeing them? I've been without my mom almost 22 months and there are still many times I cry alone. We were fortunate to have such a powerful love as a part of our lifes. Take care!

[nurse08]

yesterday I moved my mom's things out of her house. it was very hard because i don't want to make anyone sad and i feel like i made my grandma sad. i'm sure it was hard for her to see me take my mom's things. my mom was her only child. my grandmother sold her home 3 years ago and her and my mom had a home built. it is a beautiful home. my mom deserved it because she worked so hard and that is why this is so unfair. she was working hard and taking care of her mother, practically running herself ragged. and then she is killed in a car wreck. my grandmother is moving out of the house because she does not feel she could pay the house note with her health costs. there is enough money for her to live there for at least 5 years but she is afraid she will run out of money. she is also very lonely. i can't make it to see her during the week because of work, kids, school. i thought about quitting school so i could be there more but i have to finish so i can do better for my kids. it is a no win situation, one that leaves me feeling guilty. my mom did not have much that i had to move. 5 boxes of books, decorative things; she liked the country folk look with bookshelves and armoirs. they are both in my bedroom now. i want her stuff to be here and then i don't. i also brought her two cats back with me and they are living in my bedroom. i have not heard a peep. i know they are much more comfortable inside the cool house than a hot, stuffy garage. they are 10 years old so they just sleep. i need to take care of them for my mom. i couldn't leave them there to die. i also had to take a car; my grandma does not drive. we need to sell the car to pay the mortgage and some utility bills that are due, but my sister wants me to keep the car because she thinks i need more reliable, safe transportation, but my grandmother did not want me to take it. so now i don't want to keep it. maybe we should sell it and give her the money. i don't know what to do. i feel guilty for taking my mom's things, almost like i stole something, why do i feel that way?

[nurse08]

does anyone think it is weird to want your mom's things? i decorated my entire bedroom with her things today. we had the same taste. we both loved quilts and books and candles. i was just wondering if anyone else has decorated their house or room with their parent's things.

[solemate]

No its not weird - I have cabinets full of my Mum (and Dads) things - I have purchased extra things that have meaning for me and my Mum. Funny I was trying to scale down on my items at home and try to have less - since they have both gone, I want everything of theirs - I find it very difficult to part with anything of theirs - no matter what the value of the item is. I am mindful of not turning my new home into a shine of remembrance. I talk to their pictures as I pass and hold their items carefully remembering their images. I miss them so much and it seems that my heart has a deeper hole each day. Unfortunately I have to drive down the road that they were killed on twice or three times a week. I seem to cope with this and tell myself I am going to visit them. I have not put anything on the roadway (like other people do) I would rather not know the exact spot (even though I have the details) take care everyone and somehow see tommorow as a brighter day for all of us.

[nurse08]

As I went thru boxes of books, I pulled out the books that she bought for my kids so they could read them again, but there were books that I have no interest in keeping and I have decided to give those away. She had a friend who lives in Israel and she became interested in the Jewish religion so she has alot of jewish books. I am going to donate those to a synagogue. But I have her dresser, her wooden bookshelf, and her amoir in my room. And I hung up her favorite pictures in my room too. We have the same taste so I have always loved her things and I always told her that her home was so cozy. Now my room looks like her room, cozy.

[mofirefly]

My mom and I use to "joke" about what I would want if she wasn't here - and now I have so many of her things in the house because they are so nice and they are a constant reminder that she and my dad are very much a part of me even tho we are apart physically. There are a few times when it saddens me that I now have her things and how very much I would rather have her - but I try not to dwell on that...taking a deep breath and signing then trying to refocus on what is happening now is the only way I can continue and I know very well that mom and dad would have wanted that. Take care.

[solemate]

happy 4th of July to my friends in America - Gayle (Solemate)

Please enjoy your day and take care everyone.

[mothermarycomes2me]

Hi All,

I lost my mom on October 17th of 2006 (almost 9 months ago) and apparently I thought the worse of my grief was done months ago, but nope, I am feeling so bad that I just don't even know what to do with myself. I go to therapy, I even went on medication...but that won't bring her back and I think I am way too focused on that...but I don't see anything nor will I ever see anything positive about my mom's death. Other situations in life you can say, well take the positive out of it...take lemons and make them into lemonade...this is just painful and terrible and life altering...I am crying more now-- my mom was only 70 and granted others lose both parents and lose a parent at a very young age, but I am angry that my mom couldn't be here longer....especially since it was partly her not going to the doctor (ever) and trying to hide she was sick from all of us. Plus now I am going through a break up and it is just loss after loss (for real, not fabricating) my Aunt Kathy died at the end of May (my mom's sister) and it is just really, really bad and sad and I feel like I am just going to work and coming home and the whole time I am in pain with no peace of mind.

[nurse08]

well just when you think everything is getting better, things go to hell in a handbasket. i have tried to be there for my grandmother and ignore the ugly comments that she throws at me and i have even offered to take her to the doctor. i called this morning and she told me she was going to quit taking her insulin on her own. i told her not to, that she should see her doctor first. i told her i would be glad to take her. i moved my mom's things out of the house last week because my grandmother is moving. she is not even paying the utility bills or the mortgage, me and my sister are and i cant even afford to pay my own mortgage. the one thing that i am keeping-my sister wants me to keep it-is the car. it is paid for and safer to drive than my car- my grandmother all of a sudden says that she paid for the car and that she wants the car-she cant even drive. she is already gettiny 75,000. my mom made her beneficiary on a life insurance policy. she said my mom changed it from me being the beneficiary because my mom didn't love me or my kids. she then said to me that i sure was quick to get an attorney to file wrongful death and that i couldn't even wait for the body to get cold and be put in the ground. i tried to tell her that you have to file right away because you want to make sure that witnesses are not lost and evidence is not lost. she said im doing it to make money off my mom's death. i wish she would have died rather than my mother. i am so tired of feeling guilty- i felt guilty taking my mom's things-she made me feel guilty be her little comments. she is an evil witch. she said my dad never bought me anything and that he never wanted me. i have heard these things my whole life. it is a miracle i am not on drugs or alcohol. i am not going to subject myself to her anymore. i am not going to feel guilty. i am going to surround myself with people that love me. i have a wonderful mother-in-law who is so supportive and caring and good hearted and i am going to cherish my relationship with her. my mom was alot like my grandmother-she would say hurtful things to and that is why my dad divorced her after 26 years of hell.my grandmother and mother have been miserable all their lives by their own doing, i choose to not be so goodbye to my mom's family. goodbye. you will never see your great grandchildren because we are out of your lives.

[nurse08]

I think what is really hard when you lose someone that you are so close to and that you love so much, is that you feel so alone. I miss my mom. I miss talking to her. I could always call her, even if it was two in the morning. She always listened. I miss that because i don't have anyone that I can call at two in the morning. My parents divorced ten years ago and my dad remarried. I really have never had a close relationship with my dad; i was closer to my mom. I have tried to have a better relationship with my dad, but I think I am just a disappointment to him. I became pregnant when I was 19 and was in a really abusive relationship. I have made some bad choices in my life, but I have really tried to make things right the last 16 years since I have had my kids. I have been really working hard going to school to be a nurse. I will graduate in december 2008. My mom was my cheerleader. i would call her after every test. I can't do that anymore. I really can't call my dad. when I do try to talk to him, he starts another conversation with someone else. sometimes he won't even look at me. I don't think he likes me. He doesn't call my boys, they really don;t know him. I called him tonight hoping he could help me out. My dryer broke three weeks ago and I have been hanging the clothes outside to dry, but now my hotwater heater broke and I have no hot water and no money to get a new one and I have no clue how to fix it. I would have to fix it myself because I can't pay anyone to fix it. I told him about it and i guess I thought he would come running over here to fix it or help me fix it. I mean for gods sake, my kids and I are having to take cold showers and I have no hot water to wash dishes. But, he did not offer. I just sat down in the middle of the kitchen and had a breakdown. I need someone to care about us. I guess i thought after my mom died that he would just come into my life and be there for me and love me because I am his daughter, but I have made too many mistakes for him I guess. Life is lonely. I am lonely. I am lost without my mom.

[solemate]

Nearly 4 mths and I still feel the hugh pain that I have a result of the loss of Mum and Dad together. I am challenged to drive over the spot of their accident up to 4 times in the one day by 2-3 days a week. Sometimes I cry sometimes I smile and say hello. My employer knows that this is the road where they were killed and are very understanding. There is no other route, I can only use this road. The Australian Road group has marked the spot with a hugh sign altering drivers of the danger of this spot - I have tried to convince myself that this is their head stones and that I am just visiting them and saying hello. Its tough. I received a copy of the autopsy reports of my parents. I am somewhat comforted in the knowledge that both seemed to be in good health although both had early signs of possible tumors. My mum had a large cyst in her and this would no doubt have meant surgery for her. She possibly never knew it was there. I guess I feel somewhat confused - if they both developed cancer this would have been an equally terrible way to end their lives. The report was difficult to read and I have now read it through. I will now put it away and will probably never look at it again. I wear my Mother's ring each day and smile knowing that she is with me. I miss them so much. Its Dad's birthday in another 2 wks and I have been sent some mail for him that includes birthday cards. Does the reminder of their deaths never end? Their estate matters are close to being finalised and that is at least an ending for me. My husband is my rock and I will be forever grateful for his continued support and love. He too misses my Mum and Dad as he was also very involved with their lives. Sometimes we can all forget that others who are not direct relatives can also be very hurt by the loss. Take care everyone

[solemate]

sorry slip of the typing finger - alterting drivers not altering drivers

[bunnyrun]

Hello everyone,

I lost my mother on Monday evening she had small bowel cancer and battled it for 17 months. Her death was peaceful and she was surrounded by family, we all told her to go and be not wait it was time for her to begin a new journey. She was home were she wanted to die and that brought everyone peace. I'm lucky I was able to assist my mother is all the things she wanted when the time came. My brother is a nurse and he was able to make it as comfortable as could be for her to move from this life to the next.

It's amazing how much she did in the past 17 months she went to Hawaii, New Mexico, a train ride through the Royal Gorge, got a tattoo, and less than a month ago she was on cruise in Alaska. People don't understand I feel the pain and it hurts but I was given such a gift in knowing my mom was going to die and had the time and money to find peace for her and me in her passing. What more could someone ask for. So many don't get what I was able to have. I miss her and I know she is with me everyday. She knows that I will be going to Italy to continue the research on her family history. The best was she lived life and enjoyed every minute of it. Her name is Judy

[Guest Guest]

I lost my mother on Jun 16th. There was nothing the matter, no illness, no warning. She had gone to a party at my sisters' house. Next thing I got was a phone call to plan on coming home, Mom had suffered a massive stroke. We brought her home on hospice care on Wednesday(Jun 13) and she passed late Saturday. I say she wanted us (my brothers and sisters) together for Father's

day, and that is what she did with the help of God. You see there are 10 of us living in various parts of the States and it took the grace of God to bring us all together to say good-bye to this wonderful woman. I still find it hard to call home and talk to my dad it brings tears to my eyes to know that I can't ask to speak to mom. My dad is coping as am I. He lost a partner of 61 years and I lost a best friend. I am the baby and I feel cheated, I wanted at least 10 more years with her.

[kuhle10]

You know I feel disconnected from my family. My mother is who made me feel connected, she was the one who you called just to talk to. She would fill me in on what was going on in my brothers and sisters lives. I feel like I am intruding on them now. One of my brothers said I should remember I was the one that moved away therefore I left the family circle. It hurts to feel as if I am out here alone, afterall I do have 9 older brothers and sisters. But life goes on and we all have our own seperate lives. I watched them all grow-up and move away now I want them back to share the memories.

[mofirefly]

OH MY - Three new losses posted in just three days - I don't get on the boards as much as I use to and I can only hope that those of you who have found this place will keep coming back as it is a place to set free some feelings that you simply can't express anywhere else. You may not always get a responce, but there are lots of people who visit and read posts and they offer a support that you will feel even if you don't see it. My heart aches for your losses. You have just begun a long and difficult journey, but if you read past posts you will find that even tho you will be traveling this road on your own at your own pace, there are many around you - it is an unfortunate part of our lifes that we have to lose someone we love. May each of you find your way on this path of pain. Take time to breathe and don't let others force you to do things that you don't feel are right and don't let the things they may say cause you any more pain than you are already dealing with. Please take care!

[nurse08]

kuhle10-it is very hard when you feel like you have no family. it is very lonely, but sometimes in our lives real families are the families you are not born into. i am closer to my friends at work more than the people i am related to. i am also very close to my moter-in-laww, closer than i am to my grandmother. death seems to not only happen to the person who died, but also to the family unit as well. i have found that out the hard way. if people in your family are saying hurtful things, distance yourself from those hurtful things while you are grieving, you have a right to grieve you have to grieve on your own, you have to accept it on your own. my grandmother after a week had passed since my mom died told me "it was god's will and I need to accept it.' i don't need to here that right now. I have decided it is ok to not talk to her because i have to be healthy for myself and my children and i have a right to go thru this grieving process. this is all new to me. i was left with people in my family telling me i had to take care of my grandmother, but i don't. she has brothers and sisters and they need to step up to the plate. i am by myself, my sister lives in another state. i cant do everything and that is ok too. familes shock you. you think that they will support you in a time like this, but they show a different side, a side that was perhaps always there, but they never showed it. i have had to deal with two deaths in a way, my mom's and then the death of a relationship with my grandmother, but i am getting through it. this site is helpful because you can talk about how you feel and no one here will tell you to suck it up and get over it or that it is god's will. you have all the support you need right here. God bless.

[thinkingoutloud]

To Nurse08,

I suggest you give your grandmother time, and not close the door with a bang. When my brother died over 20 years ago, my mom said some terrible things. She didn't even remember saying them. When she told me she wished it had been one of us other kids, I bawled. Then I realized if it had been one of us, she would have been saying the same thing. What she was really doing was expressing inexpressible grief, and she just didn't have the words. Unfortunately, people in grief lash out, without meaning to. Try to forgive her, but you are right, it is time to distance yourself right now.

Later, you will be able to express how you feel. My mom and I worked through this many years ago, and when she died a couple of months ago, I felt deserted. I know she loved me very much and I loved her. I know the above little story makes this hard to believe, but we were very, very close. I talked to her almost every day and went to visit regularly. Whenever I had a problem, she was the one I would call, dementia and all, because she would listen and help me as much as she was still able, without judging me. I try really hard to look at not what people say, but why they are saying it. It makes it easier to forgive. That doesn't mean you have to stick yourself in front of the firing squad again, however! It just can ease your own pain.

As far as having your mom's things, she would want you to have them if she had the time tell you about it. My own mom took me to a hiding place where she had placed many of her personal possessions and told me if she passed away suddenly, I needed to know where it was. She told me what she wanted done with the items, and said several of them were for me. She hadn't even told my dad, and they were very, very close. Just don't feel like you have to keep them all. You have your own life to live, too. I know that when both my brother and my mother died, I felt like anything they had touched was special. I compensated by choosing what to keep, because I couldn't keep it all!

Hang in there!

[solemate]

I am so sorry for all of our losses - just reading some of the very personal posts is so moving. Its not quite 4 months since Mum and Dad left me, but it seems so long ago. I am still so very lonely and miss them even more. I feel a second round of grief whelling up inside me and I dont seem to be happy anymore. I thought I had a reasonable handle on the situation, but over the last week I seem to have gone 10 steps backwards. My heart is heavy for those who have just joined the postings. We all feel your grief and I gain some comfort that others do know how I feel and that I am safe on this site. Weather in Australia where I live is cold (winter) at the moment and I long for a warm cuppa with my Mum (and Dad) I have taken to collecting items relating to Shirley Temple. Mum and I loved her and watched all the old movies together. I will fill the cabinet with items as a way of remembrance for her. My email is costigan@bigpond.net.au should anyone have an item that they would like to pass on. I remember the times when Mum and I would sit for hrs making doll dresses and crying over old movies. These images are strong in my mind and so hard to put aside. I know I need to find me again and hope that it will be soon. I am sure we have all aged having gone through the deaths of our Mothers and others. Me time is important. In the morning I intend to head off and buy something for myself. My sincere thoughts, prayers and good wishes are with you all. Take care

[eulaha]

Hello Everyone,

It has been quite some time since I've posted to the boards. I have been doing ok. Just when it seems like I'm finally able to move on with my life, grief sneaks up on me. I miss my mom so much that it hurts. It has been almost two years since a heart attack stole her life, but to me, it seems like it happened yesterday. I like to sleep, because it is only in my sleep that I can see her face. In my dreams, I am like a child (although I am still in the body of an adult). My family is all around me. It's as if I live in another world, in my sleep, and I like that world much better than I do my real life. I wish I could sleep all the time.