Loss of a Mother

[asheepoo21]

oh my, this site just keeps on filling up. i understand why because everyone needs someone to talk to who understand, but nobody she have to be on this site-life just sucks.

i miss it being us regulars because now there are so many people on here with so many new stories, it hurts me, more than helps me. it really makes my heart hurt.

why do we all have to go through this, why does god hate us all.. im to the point where i hate him, and im sorry for all of you who are really religious, but im 17 years old and god has turned my life into ****. ive done nothing to deserve this. its bull!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[bp2grl]

Dear MOFIREFLY,

Thank you so much for your response. It helps to know others care. My family is very close and we seem stuck in the past except for when we are with my new niece. My friends and husband think I should be over it because it is almost two years but I relive the last few days with her in the hospital and its awful. My mom went in to have a heart stent put in and the doctor knicked her esophagus aand she was bleeding internally without the doctors knowledge. Her lung collapsed and she went on a ventilator and three weeks later she died. We recieved the call on Friday that she wouldn'tr make it through the night but she lasted two more days and the were the worst and best days of m life. The best because my whole family, friends and her friends were with her to let her know how much she meant to us which I am grateful for and the worst because there is nothing more heartbreaking to than watching your beloved mother slip away and you can't stop it. Well thanks again and keep in touch.

Barb

[solemate]

Slimoperasinger - thank you for your suggestion re the flowers - I think its a nice idea and I will dry them out as your suggested.

BP2grl - I am so glad you feel grateful to have had the time with your mum she must have been a very special lady - people tell me I should be grateful that I had a chance to see her before she went. When she died at the accident with my Dad - she was revived and taken to a local hospital - there was no hope as she had a broken neck, head injuries and internal injuries - for some reason they flew her to another hospital only ever keeping her alive on a resporator. When my sister and I arrived at the hospital some 9hrs after the accident (it took 4 hrs to get to the hospital) it wasnt my mum lying there - I could only recognise the colour of her hair - she was so swollen and bruised and just didnt look like her. It was obvious that the hospital only kept her alive until we had a chance to get there. Making the decision to turn off the life support and then watch her die is beyond my words - I am finding it hard to be grateful - I just want her back.(and my dad) We waited until my husband and daughter arrived from the other hospital where they identified my dad, the machine was then turned off - this is all too raw for me - will write again - thank you all, I love the site it helps me to understand the grief process and share my thoughts without criticism from others.

[slimoperasinger]

Solemate, I cannot imagine the pain of losing both of your parents so suddenly. My heart is with you. I think of my own mom walking into the dr's office one day, and then being dead and buried 2 1/2 weeks later. That is incredible to me. When I read your story, I cannot imagine what that would be like. I'm glad you're here on this site, as I am. We are about 2 days apart in our loss.

I just went through my mom's ancient, old suitcase. It is like finding buried treasure up there. I didn't want to look through too much because I want to save it as a treat. I told my husband that I wouldn't be ready to clean out the room for 40 days, but now I don't know if I will ever be able to. These are lifetime memories. They keep my mom alive to me.

[mofirefly]

Barb - Not being able to get the events of the last few days with your mom will definately be hard to do, but hopefully can be accomplished. Your loss was the result of someone elses error, same with my loss, and right now the only way I seem to be able to deal with it is that I don't allow myself to revisit that last day as often as I use to...but I'm not sure if this will work for long. I've oftened wondered how I would have endured watching my mom live just a little longer so I could have been with her and believe me that can bounce emotions all over the place. I'm simply trying to do my very best to let others see how she was by treating others the way she would have...she was the best friend anyone could ever have asked for.....and she was my best friend as well as mom. May you continue to find happiness anywhere possible, and especially with your niece...little ones can be a joy that is so great to be around. Take Care.

[mofirefly]

Ashley - OK you're having a bad moment...but please realize that you did NOT do anything to deserve all that has happened to you, but please try to hold on to your faith. You have helped so many others on this site and your story is an insperation - so please try to hang on. I enjoyed meeting you (the picture of your prom dress) - and I hope you can enjoy the prom as I'm sure it is also causing you a great deal of distress. I can understand some your thoughts on there being so many new posts as it can be overwhelming...but if you want to contact those that you have posted with before and not others, thats perfectly ok - this is a place where each of us can drop by and leave a note in the hopes that someone else will drop by and see it - whether they respond or not it still helps to leave the note, let them know you are thinking of them and let go of some of the emotions that are swiriling around. I truly hope you are feeling somewhat better - Take Care!

[janiceaden]

Hi old and new friends,

All this misery makes for a broken Heart and I can understand the turmoil it resonates in people. The reason being is because we care and can empathies with one another. This makes us unique, it's difficult to talk to peers who still have there mums around, therefore I find coming here uplifts me b/c it opens my eye's to other people's sorrows and I forget mine. However it also makes me so sad that all these lives had to be taken away from us. Ashley darling, I can not imagine how you feel as I am almost 10 yrs older then you and haven't had so many losses in my lifetime. I can only hope that you have someone you can turn to in times of doubt. A mentor who can shine the light for you. This week I bumped into 2 'old' friends who I haven't seen in a very long time, it was very devasting for me to tell these people that my mum passed as I find myself drowning at the relisation that she is no longer here. However I must congratulate myself for being strong even on days when I want to bury my head in the sand. I keep telling myself that my mum is here in me, she is my everything. Try and consume yourself with what ever makes you happy, for me I like to read about the afterlife, this may sound silly but Heaven sure is a brilliant place, and guess what we're all going there someday ........ Well take care everybody, we still have our health ....

[asheepoo21]

so just when i thought that my december 2006 knee surgery (the 2nd one) would be the last, i go to the doctor yesterday and she was talking some crazy stuff about wanting to do one more surgery, except this one is really major. Its because i have a lot of pressure and pain underneath my knee cap and it can only be let out by surgery because i have tried everything else- physical therapy and anti-inflammatories, and my knee still hurts and is very swollen. So i have to go to another doc on friday to get a second opinion. But the surgery that she wants to do on me is very major like i said, it is called a fulkerson osteotomy. It consists of a stay in the hospital of about 2 days (which i am used to outpatient) and when they go in the like cut under the knee cap and break your shin bone at the top and do some more crazy stuff and then put some screws in, etc. and then they put you in a full leg plaster cast for about 4 weeks and then you can start weighbearing after about 8 weeks. If i have to get this done i will have to do it right after graduation in may because it takes so long to heal and i want to get it done before i go off to college but i still wont go bak fully recovered.

This stuff is just such a mess. I'm sick of my painful knees.

lol i know this is a differnet type of post but thats whats on my mind right now!!

BLAH

[michellemarie]

Ashley, I know just how you feel with your surgeries. I just had my 4th shoulder surgery last month. Its the 4th one in 5 years. I may be looking at more surgery as my surgeon says I am not recovering right. He thinks I tore my pec also.

It gets to the point that you are so tired of being cut on but hang in there!!!

[janiceaden]

Well it's that time in the afternoon where normally I would call my mum and send my cheers, anyhow I am feeling really sad that I will never have that chance again... Mum, Alysia is so beautiful, she has the curliest hair and the most spunky smile. She kept me up last night, I thought about you b/c you were always teaching me right and helping me with my parenting techniques, You were so funny. I thought about you and how you would drink Blue Gatorade in Hospital. Tomorrow is Good Friday and I feel like it's going to be a miserable day without you. I miss you more then words. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me and I'm sure your enjoying your liberal life without the horrid pains that cancer inflicted on you... You always made fun of my vocab, missing you more then words.............

[solemate]

I am at my lowest - today is a day I want to rewind and start again. I was OK until I ventured out shopping with my husband at the supermaket - It was pension day and every second couple reminded me of my Mum and Dad - I kept it together, however all that has happened and the fall out of emotions with my sister have taken its toll. My loving husband snapped at me (he has apologised since) and I just lost it - I felt so alone, I felt I had lost everything and things werent meaning anything - I sobbed and sobbed - I cant remember much else, but my husband tells me I gave my daughter my watch, rings and said these are yours. Apparently I went to the garage and started our car he stopped me and took the keys off me - he took me into the house and was going to call for help. I apparently blacked out, he then took me to the doctors. I am back now and had a horrible confrontation with my brother in law over access to my mum and dads unit for a friend of theirs. I know my emotions are raw but I know that my mum and dad were very private people and would not want anyone other than family in the unit whilst all the private items, paperwork and personal items are still yet to be divided between myself and my sister. We have only just cleaned out the fridge and taken their clothes away - everthing else is there - just like frozen in time, I have asked that he respect my wishes - now i am the worst in the world and this will drive a hugh wedge in the family. Has anyone any advise on how to get through this issue? My sister and i and our respective husbands will meet during the next few days and hopefully divide the items. My heart is totally broken and I miss my Mum and Dad so much - I just want a cuddle from my sister and this is something I doubt will ever come. I dont want all of this to cloud my love for my parents. I want to remember and cherish their lives - this is horrible and I feel so hurt and totally alone

Janiceaden - you have lovely memories of your mum and I hope that you have the same curly hair and spunky smile.

Slimoperasinger - We are indeed soulmates - Keep loving your memories and cherish the suitcase. Some might say you are lucky to have had some time with your mum before she went, but I only think how terrible it would have been for you to know that she was going. I also will find it hard to let go of anything of my Mums (and Dad) even if its the food they were eating, the kitchen cloth, I am desperate to hang on to anything that belonged to them. I know in my mind that this is silly, and I will have to let go - but not yet - look after yourself and write again

[

[asheepoo21]

if anyone would like to visit my new memorial go to..

http://www.beyondindigo.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/64615515c43741

[jazzikay]

hey everyone,,,,,, umm how have you all been doin. Im umm crying a lot thats all I have to say pretty much but I always think of the memories and I'm completely jealous of people who have a mom!. Dude life is mad stupid and stuff. I had so many inside jokes with my mom and I know we wont have anymore. And pleaseee dont say think of the good things. Like seriously thats the thing that makes me pissed off and makes me cry. Especially since this lady was in my life for only 13 and I have a ton of memories idk how many of memories you people have you must have a mad lot because I'm only 13 soo.. You all like have kids and what not I DIDNT EVEN GET THERE! And I'm like all goin through puberty and stuff and you people all have your own family. This sucks really bad. Me and asheepoo are the only ones without like kids and stuff so it sucks because my mom always talked about being a grandmother like a lot. She loved babies and I wish I could have just like seen her one more time. And I wasn't even like 13 yet. It was 13 days before my birthday and it hurts me because she couldnt even make it to my birthday and like I guess she just hated life and couldn't wait to leave. I wish I hadn't added to that hate. I'll never forgive myself and I'll always have the bruden of how I couldv'e made her last one more day if I'd have been nicer

[asheepoo21]

jasmine..

please please please dont think that you had anything to do with your moms death. because i know you didnt. if you guys had good times together and had so much fun, i know your mom loved you and loved having you in her life. There was something that was really bothering your mom and for her to have clinical depression added to that hurt or pain that was inside her. And im sure that your mom thought of you before she passed and knew that you were going to be in good hands here without her. She probably knew the pain that her death was going to cause you, but knew that you were really strong and be strong to make up for the strength that she didnt have.

please do not go on blaming yourself honey. you had nothing to do with it.

stay strong sweetie!! you can do it, you've made it really far and i know you can do it!

ashley

[Edmund]

God bless you all this Easter; your moms are looking down & watching over you all. I know it's a hard cross to bear; pray for each other! Ed

[jillie]

I have been off for a few days because the intensity of my grief is almost too much to write about sometimes. I just rage and scream at an empty house where my beloved mother once lived and filled with warmth and caring and love. Tonight I closed my eyes and could imagine her on the couch in our den right across from my chair where we would watch our shows at night and look over at each other and smile with our hands outstretched and clasp fingers-and then say I love you. She was the love of my life and I miss her every minute. I finally went back to work because of pressure from my company. I think it has been good these past couple of days because it has distracted me from my constant grief. I still feel so raw so I have not put myself out there too much. And coming home at night to an empty house where my mom used to wait with anticipation for me is the worst. Even when she was sick, we loved spending our time together. I have been watching tapes of our trips together in years past. It has been bittersweet but comforting in a way because I can see how much we LOVED each other and enjoyed being together. My brother told me that I gave her the happiest times of her life. She always used to tell me that too--that she had the happiest times of her life with me and that she gave birth to her best friend. I know that not all daughters can say that but I SO SO wish that it was for longer. A song came into my head several days after she died. I woke up needing to find the CD from Camelot. There is a song I did not know really although I saw the musical years ago. It is called 'If ever I could leave you'. It speaks to not being able to leave your love any season of the year and the reasons why. It is a beautiful song but the end line says 'no never could I leave you at all'. I have not been able to stop playing it or hearing it. I think my mom was trying to tell me that there never would have been a good time to leave me. She knew I was going to be devastated and heartbroken. But I also think she was saying she was still with me. I hope that was it but then I don't know and sometimes wonder if the mind manufactures out of intense yearning. I would do ANYTHING for one more day with her. I cherished my mother when she was alive but wish I had done more every minute to acknowledge and celebrate the honor it was to be with her. I always ended up working late on Friday nights to finish off for the week and be able to put work aside until Monday. But it always meant mom and I (Friday was our special night) wouldn't get dinner until it was late. Tonight I was able to leave soon after five. I couldn't stop crying and asking God why now I have more time when there is no one to spend it with. Life is cruelly ironic.

I read all of your posts and my heart just bleeds for the tragedies and heartbreaks on this site. I pray for us all that we can find something that allows us to put some comfort against these feelings besides utter devastation. I wish I had the answers but I only have bottomless sorrow over the death of the love of my life.

[slimoperasinger]

Asheepoo & Jazzikay, I do feel your pain & I am sorry that you only knew your moms for 13 yrs. I cannot express how sad that must be.

At times I feel like I can get over this in 16 days ok, like I can do what other people have said, like "see your mom in all good things". Tonight I was walking my dog and I said hello to a jogger that I don't know, but see regularly. Then I thought, that is the good of my mom in me. She was always friendly and had a big smile always, even when debilitated with arthritis, when most of us probably wouldn't be so cheerful. Then when things quiet down or something reminds me of how permanent it is that I don't have a mom anymore (or any brothers or sisters), I truly feel alone and back to disbelief. It seems then like I've been brought back to reality, when sometimes it seems like my mom just went away for a while and is coming back soon, just like she never left.

Well, I went back up to my mom's room and it smelled faintly like her again! I was so glad to smell the scent of her lotion or whatever it is! Like I said, when the cleaning ladies came, I thought I would never get that scent back again. It was as if my mom was gone, but now when I visit her room, I still feel a trace of her. I will tell them not to spray anything in there.

Now back to the buried treasure in her closet. I have heard of some people not able to touch their loved one's things for a long time, even years. My son and husband will be wanting me to clear that room in the next month so that they can use it for my son's new room. That will be heartbreak for me, but I don't know if it is ok to ask that they wait. I know that if I just clear my mom's things and put them in a closet or buy a fancy chest, it won't be the same. Right now it is still her room with her things where she put them. There are memories of my whole life with her, of her whole house, that she crammed into that 1 room. I want to say wait, I'm not ready, that's my mom's room, but then again, maybe after 1 1/2 months (which will be in 4 weeks), I should be able to say ok. If it were just me alone in my house, I'd leave the room the way it is indefinitely, but my son really wants the space and he has been overdue. I will probably be a basket case when it is time.

I know about not wanting to touch our mom's things. When I see anything of hers, from her notes on the refrigerator door, to her nightgowns in the laundry room, to her cane in the back of my car, I just don't want to touch them. When I see her nightgowns in my laundry room, I just hug them close to my heart like I'm hugging her. Even when I see her toothbrush and the baby spoon that the caregiver had to use to feed her liquids (when she could no longer swallow solids), I don't want to move them.

I could relate to watching tv with your mom. Mom and I used to love to watch movies together. Who will I watch with now?

My mom-in-law has been staying with me for the past 2 weeks since mom died to keep me company. She leaves tomorrow. When I am working it is ok, but when I am able to have quiet time and think, it is so hard. I know that it will be really hard when I am alone in the house during the day. I am so grateful that I can come to this board and find people to share with, who really understand!

[wishing]

I am at my lowest - today is a day I want to rewind and start again. I was OK until I ventured out shopping with my husband at the supermaket - It was pension day and every second couple reminded me of my Mum and Dad - I kept it together, however all that has happened and the fall out of emotions with my sister have taken its toll. My loving husband snapped at me (he has apologised since) and I just lost it - I felt so alone, I felt I had lost everything and things werent meaning anything - I sobbed and sobbed - I cant remember much else, but my husband tells me I gave my daughter my watch, rings and said these are yours. Apparently I went to the garage and started our car he stopped me and took the keys off me - he took me into the house and was going to call for help. I apparently blacked out, he then took me to the doctors. I am back now and had a horrible confrontation with my brother in law over access to my mum and dads unit for a friend of theirs. I know my emotions are raw but I know that my mum and dad were very private people and would not want anyone other than family in the unit whilst all the private items, paperwork and personal items are still yet to be divided between myself and my sister. We have only just cleaned out the fridge and taken their clothes away - everthing else is there - just like frozen in time, I have asked that he respect my wishes - now i am the worst in the world and this will drive a hugh wedge in the family. Has anyone any advise on how to get through this issue? My sister and i and our respective husbands will meet during the next few days and hopefully divide the items. My heart is totally broken and I miss my Mum and Dad so much - I just want a cuddle from my sister and this is something I doubt will ever come. I dont want all of this to cloud my love for my parents. I want to remember and cherish their lives - this is horrible and I feel so hurt and totally alone

Janiceaden - you have lovely memories of your mum and I hope that you have the same curly hair and spunky smile.

Slimoperasinger - We are indeed soulmates - Keep loving your memories and cherish the suitcase. Some might say you are lucky to have had some time with your mum before she went, but I only think how terrible it would have been for you to know that she was going. I also will find it hard to let go of anything of my Mums (and Dad) even if its the food they were eating, the kitchen cloth, I am desperate to hang on to anything that belonged to them. I know in my mind that this is silly, and I will have to let go - but not yet - look after yourself and write again

[[/quote Hi my name is Rita. I don't think you are silly when you say you don't want to part with anything that belongs to your mum and dad. My mum passed away in June, last year and I feel the same. I have actually got a container that has mum's cereal in it and I just can't part with it. I have kept all of my mum's clothes and know that I will never part with them. I have discovered that some people use their loved ones clothes to make a teddy bear with or for quilting. Just do whatever feels right for YOU.

Wishing you peace. Rita.

[lulabell]

It seems that lots of us are at the point where we are having to think about what to do with our precious mothers' belongings. This week I have to start clearing mum's house (3 months since she died) as my brother who is her executor wants to put the house up for sale. I have such mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I would like her house to be a shrine, on the other my mother always said that material things were unimportant and that it is memories and love that count. However I just cannot bear to think about all her things being gone - at the same time as time goes by I find it harder and harder to look at her things as when I do I know that they are no substitute for her. Three months on and at times this just doesn't seem as though it can really be happening and then there is the horror that I know it is happening. I so long to talk to my mother...

My eldest brother and sister just seem to be getting on with things ( they both have children and I am sure this makes a difference) while my other brother and I just cannot seem to move on or get over what has happened. My other brother and I both have issues as we were both abused physically (not sexually) by my father when we were younger. This has caused us problems in our adult lives and the only person we ever had to talk and help us deal with these issues was our lovely mother who is now gone. I sometimes resent my elder brother and sister for not feeling more or being more upset by the untimely death of the wonderful person that was my mother. And now, dealing with the reality of the house and her things makes it seem as though our last link with her will be gone. I feel so conflicted and weary of it all!

I hope you are all bearing up over Easter

Best wishes

Lucie

[slimoperasinger]

I told my son this morning that I would not be at all ready to clear out mom's room in 1 month. Surprisingly, he was very understanding and said he'd wait. I'm so glad that additional stress is off.

Gee, today is April 7. This whole nightmare started on March 9, when my mother and I walked into the dr's office and she was gone and buried 2 1/2 weeks later.

I went through her tons of daily mail and she even got an invitation to a baby shower from her hairdresser! That was really sad for me to open. That goes to show how friendly my mom was, for an 85 yr old woman to get an invitation to a baby shower from her hairdresser who is in her 20's.

I wonder when this all sets in as reality? I still have to pinch myself to believe it's true -- that I no longer have a mother or father, and have no brothers or sisters.

[janiceaden]

Easter Morning already! My first Easter without my mother. I think back to this time last year and I recall how sick she was and how much of an effort it was to join us for lunch. In hindsight we all knew that she was terminal but very much in denial. She fought cancer for so long it makes me sick to think it claimed her life. I just don't understand why as the baby of her family she died first. For Pete's sake even her 88 yr old mother is still alive and living independently. How I wish this was a bad dream. At 28 I feel so lost and at times angry for this cruel blow my family has been hit with.

In regards to having a family during a difficulty time has been a somewhat help to my grief but in reality also a burden. In the mornings when I know I need to get up and feed my children I somewhat wish I didn't have to have such responsibility. Days after my mothers death I didn't want anything to do with my children, I just wanted to be left alone for ever, when my mother in law had to drop them back home I was angry that I had to get back on my feet so soon after her death. I don't think people realise how traumatic it is witnessing a loved one die from disease. The sounds and the sad look in her eye's haunt me all the time....... Life is short but also painfully long for those in mourning. To add, being pregnant doesn't relieve my pain, I just don't know how I will cope when this baby is born, imagine not having her there, she loved her grandchildren so much, this is why I am so angry, deserving women don't deserve to die! She should have lived to be 100..........

Safe Easter Everybody.

[mofirefly]

Janice - I understand the pain and anger you are having...unfortunately I don't think there is any real solution for it except to try your best to learn how to rid yourself of the anger (otherwise it will destroy you) and live with the pain (it does become a little more bearable with time). The thought of being pregnant will in the depths of grieve must be even more difficult, as your body has all the emotional changes going on with the baby and I am sure they collide with the emotions of your grief. Please just do the best you can...you are still experiencing what people refer to as the "firsts" and that is hard. We're here to lend an ear and support. Take Care!

[asheepoo21]

HAPPY FREAKING EASTER.. without our mothers =/

todays not as depressing as i thought it would be, i guess because im keeping busy. I was so excited, I got to watch my knee surgeons baby this morning and he's just sooooo adorable, so that put me in a good mood =]

Well i hope everyone's day is going good.

stay strong!

ashley

[solemate]

I am dreading today and tomorrow - my sister and I (and our husbands) will be going through all the personal papers and sharing out the items belonging to both parents. I have been told that I should stand up to my sister and I know that if I do this is going to start world war III. I want this to be civil and exchange good time memories of our parents not to be criticised and told what to do. Im still consumed with the death of my two parents together and just want everything back the way it was. I miss my mum and solemate so much and can't stop thinking of of her. (I miss my dad also) People are saying to me take one day at a time, I'm lucky to have a 1/2 a day. I had to cancel the mothers day cake I ordered for my Mum. It was to be a special one with dolls and flowers on it - the two things she loved. I have just re sorted all the flowers given to me and have been overwhelmed with the volume. I have kept most of the petals off the flowers and some folage - I will dry these out and put some with their ashes. Both of my parents didnt want to be buried. My mum's dad was an artist and has painted pictures on Church walls in Ireland (his heritage) I would like to go to Ireland and scatter their ashes around the church, I think they would enjoy that - they went their years ago and enjoyed catching up with Mum's relatives. Mum's craft talents lives in me and I will probably continue her doll making and dressing (thats if my sister lets me have the doll making items, materials and ribbons etc)

[mofirefly]

Solemate - It always saddens me when people fight over things after lossing a loved one...it must be a result of the anger they feel over the loss and it gets misdirected. Is there any possibility that if both you and your sister want the same item, that a duplicate could be made of perhaps an agreement that one have if for perhaps a year and then the other????? My heart goes out to you as you endure one of the many tasks that need to be accomplished during this sorrowful time of your life. Take care!

[janiceaden]

Greetings all,

Thank you Mofirefly for your kind words. I guess being angry is part of grief and loss and felt more in times of despair. My 'first' Easter turned out to be a nice one. How ever seeing my dad alone reinforced the loneliness he is dealing with daily. We decided to eat out because in honesty I'm not physically capable of feeding a crowd as yet. We dined at out local pub which is where I worked many moons ago... I couldn't help but think that only in August last year we had all sat down to celebrate my dads 60th. I somewhat convinced my mum to make an effort to come as I knew this was going to be a special one... and last for my dad. We got to spend our last b'days with my mum, sadly she was buried on my sister's 24th b'day... Only weeks before I asked my mum if she wanted me to buy something special for my sister... My mum never replied, she knew she wasn't going to make it that far... Isn't it unfair that my mum was buried only 24 yrs after giving birth to her baby to that day?

Anyhow being a small suburb I meet this lady at the pub who knows my dad through Church. She told me that she would often see my dad crying in the aisles, it took a stranger to point to me that my sufferings are insignificant to my fathers. I also went to visitmy mum's 88 yr old mother... She told me that it was only like yesterday when my mum was joking with her pushing her up the stairs telling her to 'move it' lol... My nanna turned to her and said 'I'll like to see you at my age'......... Sadly after that her cancer came back with vengence and ultimately ended her precioius life.... I don't know if my grandmother regrets her words but in hindsight death is awaiting us all. As miserable as it is not having her around there are always others worst off... Reading through the posts I can see that my story is only one of thousands, I appreciate reading insights into others lives as it gives me hope for a better future... (PS Jenny Thank You for your email... I will respond in detail shortly xx.

[jazzikay]

hi, i dont really know how & why you all type so much... i am just a big ball of hurt and saddness.. i wish i could like invent cures for every disease that hurt my mom and for cancer- for my grammy

[mofirefly]

Jasmine - You are so young, but I imagine you get very tired of being told that as you have also had to "grow up" way to fast with the losses you've been thru. If you really want to find the cure for disease, now is the best time ever to start setting small goals to help you achive that wish - you could redirect all the pain inside you to possibly one day help prevent someone else from having to go thru it. Take care!

[lilliesson]

wow, i cant believe i made it through easter yesterday. like some of the posts i have read, it was my 1st easter without my mom also. yesterday was very depressing and sad. i cant beleive that i couldnt spend easter with my mom. and to think, this is just the 1st of many difficult and painful holidays and special occasions without my wonderful mother. its only been 7 weeks since my mom passed away unexpectantly, and it seems like a lifetime already. how the hell can i feel like this the rest of my life? sometimes i dont think i will be able to make it to be totally honest. who is going to be there when i get my masters degree, when i get married, have my 1st child etc... i feel so damn alone in the world now. sometimes life sucks

[slimoperasinger]

I am on a short vacation with my son to get away after mom\'s death. Even a vacation can\'t change my outlook. I am so used to calling mom every day to check up on her when I\'m away. Every morning at 9:00, I\'d call and she\'d always be sitting right next to the phone, waiting. Now I can\'t tell her about my vacation. This is still so unreal. On Weds night, it will be 3 weeks. To me that seems like a long time, but not when my mom who has been with me my whole life is gone. My heart still hurts when I realize how alone I am. I keep on repeating to myself that I have no mother, no father, no brothers, no sisters. I am a lone ranger.

I rec'd mom's death certificate a few days ago and that really hurt and drove the point home that mom is gone forever.

I know that I will be feeling much worse when I return home and see her empty room and when I get back to my routine without her. All of the relatives have gone home and it will just be me, going through my daily routine, without my mom.

[asheepoo21]

im sorry for everyones pain today!

but for me today has been WONDERFUL.

one of my really good friends, 17 years old, had her baby boy tonight. Ive been at the hospital for 6 hours, but she was in labor for 15, so im not near as tired as her =]

well im headed to bed, i have to get up early to go shaddow my knee surgeon, and then go see the new addition to my senior class.

baby AARON CHRISTOPHER!!!

[solemate]

slimoperasinger - great to hear that you are having a break with your son. - I know you must feel very alone but you do have your son and your memories so close o your heart. My phone answering system has two messages left on it from my Mum before she and dad were killed only 2 wks ago. I cant bear to erase the messages = when I am particularly low, I play it just so I feel that she is still with me. Maybe you could start a new routine at 9.00am where you speak with her via your heart and say hello to her in your mirror = your mother hasnt left you she lives in you and has left the ultimate legacy = you.

I am yet to receive my parents death certificates I guess they will be the black and white evidence that they are gone. I had Mum\'s personal items that were at the scene of the accident I have struggled to put her false teeth in the rubbish bin = I just felt I couldnt = I know it sounds silly but I felt I was putting her in the bin = I cried for most of the day and sadly watched the rubbish bin being emptied by the local council truck. Physically I have lost 4 kilos in 2 weeks (doesnt hurt I could loose a few off my cuddly figure) I know that lack of sleep, proper meals and just stress are taking its toll, I look a wreck - I just dont care anymore, I just want things to be back to normal and I know that this wont happen. I am still in shock and denial and will try hard to keep above water. For me I would have been having an early cuppa before work and discussing what was on for the day for her and Dad. During the sorting of their items yesterday, I took the mug that she had for me - this for me is part of my memories and I will continue to have a morning cuppa - trouble is Mum and Dad are no longer there.

One thing I have learnt is that people grieve so differently and that each person should be respected as an individual and not be the same as them in their circumstances.

Asheepoo21 what wonderful news for you and your friend. The birth of a child is a wonderful thing best of luck with the surgery and give Aaron a cuddle from all that post on this site.

[jazzikay]

hmm yesterday night i balled my eyes out. To tell the truth it actually felt good. I feel like theres a never ending pain but you chip at it with each pouring tear... yup that's what I have to say I think you should try it. And yah kinda have to listen to sad or rock songs or both lol i listened to "the kill" by 30 seconds to mars. ahhh its a good song. But then at night i had a really scary nightmare ever. I was in it and i went to my moms house and i Looked in the door cause it was locked and i was looking through the window on the door and around the corner like from the living room my mom came out except she was dead white and really creepy and scary lookin. i dont think youve ever seen the movie "the ring" but yea scary and then it stopped and the part where she walked out kept repeating over and over again. and her face was just awfull. Ugh i was so creeped out. i have no idea what it meant but it scared the crap out of me

[solemate]

Today I am feeling - bitter sweet - Mum and Dad have only been gone for 2 wks (both killed together in car accident) I took thank you cards around personally to people their own age and was jeallous that these people were still alive and well and my parents were not however I met one person who gave me such comforting comments about my Mum that I was compelled to just cry all over her. I know this lady to be a very good friend of Mum's and I know she will miss my Mum very much - she told me my Mum and Dad would be so proud of me and that the eulogy I wrote was wonderful and from the heart. She told me I was the image of my mother and that my mother has left me the best legacy in that she lives within me both body and sole. I was taken by these remarks and although I am still in deep grief for both my parents, I am trying to concentrate on these wonderful words that this lady has given me. I hope that someone will read this post and also believe that their Mum or Dad lives within them and they have that legacy also. What a gift they have left us with - we all live on in their legacy I hope that this gives some comfort

[slimoperasinger]

First of all, this is the 4TH time that I've typed a long message, only to have it disappear into cyberspace! That is so frustrating!! Ok, I'll start again and hope that nothing happenes.

Solemate & others, I understand and know that people mean well when they say that our moms live within us, but it doesn't help me when there is no one else to turn to! My whole life feels upside down and no one seems interested anymore (except the lovely people on this board). I see the wonderful things in my life that my mom has given to me, but it is not much consolation for the emptiness that no one will ever be able to fill. I have my son and he does help me and misses his grandma. Besides him, I have my aunt that really grieves for her, so she and I can share our feelings. After her, there are only cousins, who did not know her so well. My husband is indifferent.

I have an online memorial for mom, and today I rec'd a msg, which is the first message that I rec'd in over a week. Like I'd said, it will be 3 weeks tonight at 5:30 and the world has moved on, except me. I was able to sleep for 3 nights without thinking of mom, but then last night I was thinking of her last days again and crying in disbelief.

In my culture, there is a belief that the soul stays on earth for 40 days, so most believe that my mom is still with us. That is some comfort to me at home, but then on day 41, I'll feel like she is leaving me again. Solemate & others, I am doing the same thing as far as not wanting to move mom's things. I have her last note that she wrote me posted on my fridge, like she hasn't gone anywhere. I still have her nightgowns folded in my laundry room. I did throw out her food, but I can certainly understand not wanting to throw away personal items or erase a phone message! I don't want to move her toothbrush or the baby spoon that the caregiver had to feed her liquids with when she could no longer eat.

[jillie]

Slimoperasinger and Solemate--I can relate so much to what you are both saying. Tomorrow will be three weeks since my mom's death. I do not have anyone who is grieving my mom the way I am. She had a lot of friends and I have two brother who loved her and are very good guys--but our relationship was different--we were the very best of friends and towards the end of her life, she was sometime like my daughter even when she was still my wise mother. Everyone has been telling how lucky I was to have had my mom for as long as I did and that my care went a long way in how long she was able to survive her cancer. I know they mean well but it wasn't enough time for me. Every time I look at the pictures of her beautiful face I just break down. I keep questioning myself--I know that she treasure me and told me all the time (I was so lucky) but did I tell her enough how much I treasured her and how she had made my life what it is? Did I give her enough credit and satisfaction for the incredible mother she was to me?? I am not sure and it haunts me. I think I did but have no one to validate me.

I too have been replaying the horrible last week before her death in my head. Last night I cried bitter tears over that for some time. I had made an effort to clean out all the signs of sickness from the house after she passed but her agitation and pain are forever imprinted on my memory. I have made her bed, put her spread on--made her room look lovely like on some level I am waiting for her to come home. I think that my mind does this to me sometimes so that it gets a brief respite from the pain. I am still trying to find her smell on her clothes. And I call her cell phone a couple of times a day just to hear her recorded message that says she can't come to the phone. Oh to hear her voice speaking to me again--I would do anything for that. I felt like when she was alive I appreciated her so much and cherished our relationship. But now that she is gone I am berating myself for not cherishing every conversation, the sound of her voice, the touch of her hand on mine, the hug goodnight and on and on. I feel like the pain of missing her is unbearable but I know that I WILL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. Even writing that makes my heart feel like it is being stabbed. I refuse to touch any of her clothes. They will stay just the way they are. I had to get her taxes done this weekend and then pick out the urn for her ashes. That was a hard day. My brother had Easter to get me out of the house. It was good to spend it with family but I couldn't wait to get back to my house and lay on her bed and cry. It was surreal to not be with her on her favorite holiday.

I don't know how you all feel but for me the sorrow just builds and build until I feel like it will choke me--like throwing up--and I have to cry.

My heart aches for each of you--the ones who are freshly grieving like me and the ones who still feel such a void even though some time has passed. Someone gave me a book yesterday called 'We are their Heaven' which I have started to read. It is written by a medium called Allison DuBois. There is a TV show in the States based on her gifts, also called Medium. It is filled with stories of grieving people who have contacted their loved ones through her or vice versa. It speaks to her assertion that often our loved ones don't go on to heaven because those they have the closest ties to remain here on earth--so they stick around to take care of them. It is very emotional but part of me so much wants to believe that my mom is indeed with me and trying to help me through my grief. I believe she has already sent me one message saying that she is here. It is somewhat comforting although not being able to see her and talk to her is what makes the missing so horrible.

Sorry for the long post. I had been building up for several days. My caring thoughts to all.

[jazzikay]

ok umm yea im not even gonna go on this website because you kinda all ignore me. Geeze like all the new people and stuff THANKS. geeze i might as well not even go on this site. All the fricken new people dont have to say anything to me sooo bye

[lilliesson]

jazzikayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, please don't leave us. since i came on this board almost 8 weeks ago when my mom passed away i have read every single message that u post, and it always touches me. im sure everyone else on here feels the same way i do. there are alot of new members on here since i joined, but that only means that there are many more people feeling the pain, suffering and loneliness that we are all feeling still. i think of everyone on this board as a big family, that knows EXACTLEY what i am feeling, and that is the biggest comfort to me sometimes. jillie, ur name is almost like my moms, hers was lillie, and everytime i see ur name i think of her i also do the same thing u do, which is lay on her bed and cry my eyes out on most days. today was really hard, i was off from work, so i drove around all day listening to motown oldies thinking of my wonderful mom and the good times that we both shared together. i cant wait till my grief counseling group at school tomorrow, it has really helped me out during this grieving process and also helps talking to other people like u guys that are going through a simliar experience that i am going through. damn, i wush this emptiness in my heart will go away soon. nothing is the same anymore, nothing means the same to me since my mom passed away. i talked to my mom's best friend yesterday, and it really reminded me that she is no longer with me anymore. im going to cry some more before i go to class in a little bit, i hope everyone is doing good today. i hope all of our mothers are in heaven right now, enjoying themselves with no pain, no stress, none of the burdens that this world places upon us.

[solemate]

Jazzikay - please dont feel that no-one is listening to you - We all feel your pain and you need this site to be able to talk to others also experiencing similar thoughts. I know that we all read all the posts - pls dont get upset that you dont get an immediate reply. Keep your posts coming and please take care.

ok umm yea im not even gonna go on this website because you kinda all ignore me. Geeze like all the new people and stuff THANKS. geeze i might as well not even go on this site. All the fricken new people dont have to say anything to me sooo bye

[solemate]

Slimoperasinger - can you post the website of your memorial to your mum - I would be honoured to read it

Jillie - I watch the program Medium and I will now try to find the book you mentioned - my song is a version of 'somewhere over the rainbow'(John Laws in Australia often played the version on his radio program) my mum loved the song and I played it at the end of Mum and Dads funeral.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments - it just like reading a book before I go to bed - in the short time I have been on line I look for the comfort that we all offer each other. Sometimes you just dont get the same support from others. Take care everyone

[asheepoo21]

jasmine-

i was thinking the same exact thing about how all of these new people have taken away from us getting to talk to all of the regulars.

but no worry, i'm still staying here, i need to vent!!

[Edmund]

intense grief results from intense LOVE. these feelings wouldn't be so overwhelming without the wonderful love we shared w/ our moms. a lot of people don't or never had what we have; so in an awful way we are blessed to have had such a thing in our lives.i feel so alone & still cry every day 'cuz MOM was everything to me. when i get down i try to remember the LOVE! ed

[mofirefly]

I don't want to upset anyone but I have got to post my thoughts - These boards do not belong to any ONE of us but to each and every person who finds their

way here and needs a place to find comfort, support or whatever else. If any person wishes to post to just a few that's fine, all you have to do is post to them and wait for their response...but it has upset me a great deal to hear that there are "regulars" and "new" people - PLEASE - this is a place for each and every person who has had to endure the lost of someone they loved - and as Edmund has put it so beautifully, we loved intensely and now we grive intensely. If you don't want to read a particular post from someone you don't recognize, simply skip it and go to a post you do want to read. I've had a very upsetting day and so perhaps some of my responce is a result of anger being misdirected.......but I just had to put down my thoughts - read if you want, if not, you don't have to. But PLEASE remember the help and support you got when you first posted and hopefully will continue to receive as long as you need it.

[janiceaden]

Hello all,

It seemed like yesterday my day was turned inside out. However without this board I would feel complete loss. This is my counselling corner and I thrive on others responses. We've all been dealt the same cards, some harder then others but each are not void of the same emotions. We're all grieving for yesteryear, the simple reminders of our mothers contain us with the simplest joys. Jazzikay I thought about you this morning b/c I had a disturbing dream of my mum in Hospital and her and I were crying and weeping. I was basically comforting my fears in this dream. I am still in denial that mum is not here but recognise this as a defence mechanism. I now chant the same mantra to myself that I am more then a mother, people without mothers soon learn to become so independent. I am proud of who I am, I am raising 2 children and a Husband, running a household and everything in between without anybodies help.... Anyhow I love reading everybodies posts as they touh me all differently........... My mum loved Bette Midler btw, evertime I hear THE ROSE I think of her........... FOREVER IN MY HEART

[slimoperasinger]

I am grateful to EVERYONE on this board because it is such a safe place to share our grief and know that we will be understood. Losing a mom is so much different than losing a dad. I don\'t feel that because someone\'s mom passed away years ago, their experience and grief is any more or less painful or important than mine. Although time heals, it seems that the longer the time goes without my mom, the more it will hurt too. We can all share and learn from each other.

I guess I still feel different from most of you in that I have said that I am (oops, \"was\") an only child. (I still talk about my mom in the present tense, as I\'m sure many of you do too). So I have not only lost my mother & father, but there is no one else left in my immediate family. If it were not for my 11 yr old son, I think I\'d really be lost in depression because of no one to share with. This is my main problem in dealing with the loss of my mom - the fact that there is no one else. I was everything to my mom, and now there is no other close relative like that. Sorry if I sound like a broken record.

So I was looking forward to having 3-4 private sessions (which I was entitled to at no cost) with the grief counselor @ hospice, but I was just informed that because I have my own therapist (that I only see every other week because it is SUPER expensive), it would NOT be helpful for them to see me, and that since I have done so much work with my regular therapist, I should just stick with her. Sorry, on the one hand, I can understand, but on the other hand, I feel like I have been rejected by hospice! Imagine being rejected by hospice! I was really looking forward to having extra sessions to work on my loss and loneliness. Seeing my therapist every other week hardly feels like enough, but I guess I will have to live with it. Thank goodness I am starting in a mother/daughter support group next week! I am really looking forward to it.

You know, I don\'t really want to move on with my grief. I feel like my grief keeps mom fresh in my heart. It feels like the only way that I can remember her and keep her with me. If I move on, I will be emptying my life of her.

I am still on vacation, but will return on Sunday night. I am sure that I will be a basket case once again when I go into her room. It is really hard when you lived with your mom. I see her all over my house. Please be prepared that I will most likely have some sad posts soon.

[novangel]

I have not posted in a while, but I'm missing my Mom so much right now. I was just standing outside listening to the quiet and wishing so much that I could just pick-up the phone and call her just to say hi.

What I would not give to talk with her just one last time. I don't know how I'm going to make it the next 50 years without having her in my life. This sucks so badly. I'm so lonely without her, and nobody can fill this void.

It's been almost three months and it's not getting any better...How long am I going to suffer? I truly believe that this is something that you just never get over. How scary.

Take care, guys. I feel for each and every one of you.

[solemate]

Slimoperasinger - My heart is with you during your return, I know it is going to be hard for you to return to your Mom's room. I returned to my Mum & Dad's home today to do a final removal out of items and clean the house, I cried and cried - every thing I did from cleaning out cupboards to removing their clothes from the washing machine bought me absolute heartache. I can't believe that they are both gone. I brought home silly items that remind me of them. I kept seeing them in their lounge room, having a cuppa in the dinning room, cooking in the kitchen and in their garden. It hasnt sunk in yet and I know I will be heading for a large thud! - My once clean and tidy home is filled with boxes and boxes of their items - things are everywhere and I find it very hard to focus on the task of putting them away (or throwing anything out) My husband is a tower of strength and gives me lots of cuddles when I need them - we have a code "I'm having a moment' that means dont expect anything of me for the moment - memories are flooding back. Support groups are around, but I havent been able to find one locally yet. I have a wonderful lady who is a psychologist and taking me slowly through the stages of grief. Medication has kept me above water and has slowed me down and helps with the sleep. (although I came very close to drowning several times!) Slimoperasinger, I too still want to greive and not move on - 3 wks is such a short time for the loss of 2 parents on the same day I am thankful for this site and being able to post my thoughts albeit my parents cant read them (or can they?) I just read a quote :-"Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow - deal only with the present. Never step into tomorrow for the future is not ours to know and it may never be, so let us live and give our best and give it lavishly" - not sure exactly what it means however I am stuck on only dealing with the present - I am yet to step into the future. Take care everyone

[jazzikay]

i need to write again. UGH im losing my sanity. I think about suicide.With all the stress in my life im surprised I dont inflict pain on myself. Seriously. Im afraid Of what I might do. I dont want to go to a phsycologist though. It wont help. Im losing myself. My life is eating me slowly And I want to grow up and have kids. I need to get a grip on myself but I dont know how

[lilliesson]

jazzikay, i know times are hard on u right now, but please dont even think about ending ur own life. im sure things will get better for u soon, as it will for all of us, hopefully. i understand what u are saying, becasue sometimes i feel like i dont want to go on, but i have to, we ALL have to. im sure u will be able to have kids and a family one day, i wish the same for myself soon, but we have to make the most out of lives in the meantime. i hope today is a better day for you

[lulabell]

Hey suicide is not an option! This last week I have been clearing my mum's clothes and belongings as none of my brothers or sister could bear to do it. It has probably been the most depressing week of my life. Clearing my mum's stuff was bad enough but to top it all my brother (the alcoholic one) is now talking about suicide saying he has nothing to live for and just wants to be with my mother again. While I can understand his sentiment I was so gutted by this - it seems that the lives of all those I love has been irreversibly crushed by my mother's premature death. Even though it seems as if things just seem to be going downhill I know that suicide is not the answer.

Take care

Lucie