Loss of a Mother

[novangel]

This is something that is now starting to eat away at me. Being 36 when my mum died suddenly aged 61 on Dec 27th means that it is a very real possibility that I will live longer without my mother than with her - what a terrifying prospect. I still have moments when I just cannot believe she is gone and never coming back.

This is something I ponder about as well. There's a real possibility that I can live another 50+ years without my Mom, I'm now only 32. I too have many moments where I cannot believe my Mother is truly gone.

While I do hope to have a long life so I can see my child/grandchildren grow-up, I hate the thought of having to wait so long for a one in a million chance of seeing her again in some sort of after-life that I'm not even 100% certain exists in the first place...but I try to keep the faith.

The thought if death being final, with nothing afterward gives me major anxiety. I do "talk" with her everyday, I sure hope she can hear me.

my mum and the fact that I cannot see her again is on my mind 24/7.

Me too. Although I have to believe I will see her again someday or I will fall apart at the seams. God do I miss her...

[Guest Guest]

Hi Everyone,

I 29 years old and I just lost my mom ( she was only 50) on February 1st of this year. So much drama and arguments have erupted since then between my dad and my younger sister (who lives in Paris). I don't know how to feel and I no longer know what to do. I'm the oldest of four and I feel like everything is now on my shoulders to make things feel somewhat "normal". But when I try to have converations about how we will be handling things going forward, I feel no one else is open to communication. It's like I'm supposed to assume that I will have to handle everything, because that's what my mom did. I think that. My is a huge role for me to assume. My sister gets to go back to her life in Paris, and I kind of feel like she gets to be regular again. Whereas, I'll here dealing with the day-to-day of helping my dad take care of my youngest siblings.

I also should mention that my mom and I didn't have the best relationship, and we weren't on speaking terms when she passed. That tears me up soooo much. And I don't feel any better when family members remind me that I wasn't speaking to her. They make me feel as if I'm less than, and that I shouldn't try to honor her now that she is gone. I've always wanted to have a relationship with my mom but developing a bond with her never really worked.

I dunno, I'm just confused, and sad..and just not dealing well. I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

Thank you in advance.

[mofirefly]

Guest - It's no wonder you are feeling so confused...your emotions are probably bouncing all over the place. Please take time to let yourself cope with all that has happened before giving any thought to what others say. I don't feel you need to try to step in and help simply because you are the oldest. Yes your dad has lost his spouse, but you have lost your mom, and it most definitly doesn't matter what your relastionship had been like...she was still MOM. Nothing ever can prepare us for that loss, so again, please allow yourself some time to mend before you take on so many roles. You can try to help other family members, but remember, each person deals with their emotions in their own way and time. Please come to this site anytime you feel like you need to share all that is happening...as I truly believe it can help - kinda like sharing the burden with everyone else makes it a tiny bit easier to carry. TAKE CARE!

[mofirefly]

Lulabell - Just read your post...you are being brave! Your journey only started 7 weeks ago. You say you feel like you are on autopilot - I stayed in that mode for over a year...actually even longer as I still find myself just functioning because I have to, not because I want to, but at least not as often. Don't compare yourself to others...they may not be showing their true feelings around you anyway, and each of us has to get thru this on our own timetable. Please remember to breathe deeply and allow yourself to mend. Take Care!

[xjazzk]

hey asheepoo. Im so so so so sorry. Thats so many people. Im 13. my mom died to. But my mom didnt die on accident. She commited suicide. Yup only 44. For 30 years of her life she had depression. Ive had to deal with it and now look where i am motherless and 13. my grandmother died about a month after. She had cancer. I know you've lost so many more people than me but i just wanted to say sorry . i dont know what to say. My moms birthday is coming up. its the first birthday ive had without my mom. Its gonna be hard

well just hang in there

jasmine

[lostbestfriend]

I have been thinking the same thoughts but I am also afraid I will die young too. I am 37 and my Mother passed away on Jan 30th of this year and she was only 63. Her mother passed away at 59.

I am so lost without her. I want to believe she is in Heaven. I attend church but have always had doubts. I was with my Mother when she passed. She was in Hospice and the nurse told me it was time and that I needed to tell her it was ok to let go. That was the hardest thing I have done. When she did pass I thought I would feel something different. I guess I knew I would not see her soul lift from her body but I wish I had.

This is something that is now starting to eat away at me. Being 36 when my mum died suddenly aged 61 on Dec 27th means that it is a very real possibility that I will live longer without my mother than with her - what a terrifying prospect. I still have moments when I just cannot believe she is gone and never coming back.

This is something I ponder about as well. There's a real possibility that I can live another 50+ years without my Mom, I'm now only 32. I too have many moments where I cannot believe my Mother is truly gone.

While I do hope to have a long life so I can see my child/grandchildren grow-up, I hate the thought of having to wait so long for a one in a million chance of seeing her again in some sort of after-life that I'm not even 100% certain exists in the first place...but I try to keep the faith.

The thought if death being final, with nothing afterward gives me major anxiety. I do "talk" with her everyday, I sure hope she can hear me.

my mum and the fact that I cannot see her again is on my mind 24/7.

Me too. Although I have to believe I will see her again someday or I will fall apart at the seams. God do I miss her...

[novangel]

I am so lost without her.

I am too. Today is a very, very bad day.

I thought things were going to get better for me, Friday and Saturday were not all that bad....well today I feel like I'm on a downward spiral once again. This is the worst feeling ever. I want to see and talk with my Mom so badly that it's slowly eating away at my insides.

Any other bad episode in my life always had a solution, there is no solution for this. She's gone, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to bring her back. How frustrating and scary.

Mom,

I'm so sorry that I didn't spend more time with you in recent day's, I had no idea how things would turn out. I hope where ever you are you're happy and cancer free. Tell Grandma, Grandpa and Penny I said hello and that I miss them too.

Thank you for everything you've taught me, and loving me unconditionally no matter what. You're still my best friend, and even though you're not here physically with me anymore I will never forget the inner strength you gave me. You really are special and made a huge impact in so many lives including mine. You put up a good fight but now you will suffer no longer.

I love you and miss you so much. I promise I will never forget about you.

Love always, -G

[Guest Guest]

I want my mother back. I know I can't have her but I don't care, thats what I want. My mother died on Jan 17th my step daughter (who I raised like my own) is getting married on March 10th and I want her to postpone but I can't tell her . My family has asked her to give me time to grieve before throwing a party but she won't so now I feel like I've lost a daughter too. I can't go to that wedding, I just can't. I want my family to stay home and be with me for me.Is that so wrong? Can't my grief and loss be about me and not about trying to ruin her wedding?How will I get through that weekend without my family? I can't get through a day without my family and the wedding is a 5 hour drive from home. I can't go. I can't ask them to stay home with me, what do I do? I'm so heartbroken. I need my mom.

[mofirefly]

Guest - You sound like you are in such terrible distress. One thing I read in your post is that you want to ask your step daughter to postpne but can't tell her...and I don't understand why you can't say that to her. I feel you should be trueful to her about how you are feeling, but please realize, she will not understand. Right now you are both in very opposite places...she anticpating a wedding, you in unbelieveable pain over losing your mom. Have you asked yourself what your mom would want either of you to do about this. I realize all too well that attending functions where everyone around you is "happy" is not something a person who is grieving wants to do. Right now you are at the very beginning of a very long journey, as you are now going to have to continue in this life without someone who was obviously very close to you. It's a bumpy journey, but it is one that can be traveled...you can tell that by reading the posts here. You also posted that you can't ask your family to stay home, but could you perhaps ask one person? You will always need your mom, but you now have to find different ways to be with her. I'm so sorry you are in such a terrible place. Take Care!

[fairlynew]

Guest, I unfortunately have an idea of what you feeling. My mom just passed away on Feb 1st and life has just been really hard since. Especially when dealing with family. I too find it hard to talk with family and let them know how I feel. When I do speak my mind, I feel like they either don't take me seriously because my mom and I weren't on speaking terms when she passed or they blow it out of proportion and make me out to be the angry person.

So I guess to answer your question: Yes, your grief and loss can be about you and not your ruining a wedding. I've learned that you have to make the time for yourself. Some alone time, so that you can sort through your thoughts or just be at peace. If not, you will drive yourself crazy :-(

[asheepoo21]

xjazzk- I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your mother. You seem like a really strong girl, just as I am trying to be. You are just only about a year younger than i was when i first lost my mom. I completely understand what you are talking about with her birthday coming up. My mom's birthday has passed 3 times since the day she has died; and yes, it is a very hard thing. Just try to think of the good things that she is doing in heaven on her birthday, that's what i have to do. Stick in there kido!!

-ashley

So i've been working on this whole college process for the last few months and i'm not really going anywhere with it because of my grades. Keep in mind that i lost my mom, dad, great grandmother, and uncle that year and i was still dealing with the loss througout sophomore and junior year (plus moving into a new house with family that I wasnt really close to, and switching schools) So yeah, my grades went right down the drain. In 8th grade I had a 3.6 GPA and when I everything happened it dropped to a 2.6. And this year (my senior year) I am just now being able to really focus on school and have finally gotten my GPA back up, but now I am suffering because colleges are looking at my first 3 years of high school and they are automatically saying NO, even though I have had so much go on in my life; I mean I am lucky to be alive after all I have been through, it was asking a lot of me to even go to school and do anything. BLAHHHH it sucks so bad that I am having to suffer over what pain god has already put me through, and I HATE IT!

anway I need to get back to my school work, I am in anatomy class right now.

thanks for listening!

ashley

[xjazzk]

oh yeah i forgot to tell everyone. this is something totally pathetic which i hate so much. ok so my moms work is like doing this thing for her. they give out bracelets with her initials on it, well yea they didnt give me my brother or my sister one. ALSO they are giving out scholorships! since my sister is already in college she doesnt need one but they didnt give one to me or my brother i was so mad.

[mofirefly]

xjazzk - That is the pits! But, have you asked anyone WHY this happened. Sometimes people do things that to us are totally crazy and yet they have no idea they've done something that hurt someone...beats me why. So just suggesting that you mention the oversight to someone, even if it doesn't get results at least you will have let them know you've been hurt! Please take care, ok.

[libra1]

It is coming up to almost one year since my mom passed..April 15/06. My father is holding a prayer for her, as this is part of our religion,only thing is I live in Canada, and the ritual is in England, where dad lives. It's complicated because it has to be done on a specific date. I am double minded about going. My husband who has been so very supportive of me all year, is against me going because he thinks the trip will further my depression. Lately i've been been going thru a downward spiral. He thinks I'll come home even more depressed, as this is the first time I've been home since the funeral. Also,money is tight. But my dad is willing to help me out somewhat with the ticket. I'm so confused. I think the reason my husband doesn't want me to go is more financial. I feel guilty very easily, and I think he plays on that. My dad does not want to cause any trouble. He's okay if I don't come,but I think it's time for me to face the music. It's not gonna be a fun trip...my MOM'S NOT THERE!! I can't think clearly what is the best thing to do. Any thoughts???

[xjazzk]

dear libra1

i think you should go. I dont like celebrate religion or anything so this may not be my place to say this. But Its your mother, if your husband is afraid of money for what ever reason, i believe thats being selfish. You have a right to spend time with your father no matter what, it's for your mom's sake. Do what you believe in, like i said it might not be my place to say this. I may be like to harsh or what ever but this is my opinion. I miss my mother too, i pray, not like a ceremony but i still do, to myself. If your dads willing to help you out, i say go for it..

thats what i have to say.

jasmine

[asheepoo21]

Libra1,

My mom's 3 years is slowly creaping up on me, my mom died on

april 18, 2004. I know this year, just as the past 2 years is going to be bad. Every year it falls on a school day and i go to school and end up in the counselors office all day because i'm just a mess. About your trip, I really encourage you to go on it because it's all about your mom, nobody else. Don't let anything else keep you in the way of going. I'm not a very religious person as I said a few post's ago because I've just completely lost faith in everything I once had, and I know that sounds really bad because I go to a catholic school and I take theology class everyday, but I just think that it's all bull. But you do still have some faith and I can tell that you do, just through the things that you write on here, but I really encourage you to take this trip and focus on doing it for your mother.

-ashley

A LITTLE UPDATE:

i may not have mentioned this to you guys yet, but just last friday I lost another family member, my great-great aunt rita. She was 90 years old and we weren't as close as my other family members and i were, but it's the simple fact that god is taking what I have left of my family and it's not fair what so ever. And when I say little family, I do mean little.

UGHHHHH!!

[jazzikay]

OMG im so sorry ashley. That's so horrible.

i just dont know what to write. but yea libra1 i think you should soooo go. =]

[janiceaden]

Hello to all,

Just feeling a little blue today, it's summer time in Australia and my fondest memories are of hanging out with my mother and watching my son paddle in the pool. Now it's been 3 mths since her Earthly departure and I don't know how and what I feel anymore.. Somedays I get so angry that cancer took her away from me, sometimes anguish that I can't call her anymore and at other times depressed b/c she never got to see my daughters first steps... Just when you think you have it all something like this happens and you fall into a heap.

Just when you retire and look forward to welcoming your grandchildren into the World your diagnosed with a life threatening illness and you die... Just when your at your most happiest God intervenes and takes you away. Is life this cruel? Why did God punish my family when all we ever wanted to do is be one, all we ever wanted to do is love one another.... Cancer stole my most valuable asset and reality is I can not buy or trade anything in for a new mother.... How could this be happening? This is so surreal... Death is so final, and life so meaningless!

There are no answers or solutions when grieving. I have learnt to deal with this grief by positive thinking and replacing negative thoughts into something more optimal. I get angry b/c I am a young mother who needs her mother around. I get angry b/c my mother loved life and it hurts me to think how much she suffered and how sad she was to not be able to hold her little baby granddaughters... I cry often now, in the car, in the shower, in bed and yet I put on a brave face to mask my feelings.... Today is another day and tomorrow the beginning of a new chapter. Time hasn't seemed to heal my broken Heart as yet b/c losing a mother and watching a mother die is like having your Heart ripped out!

Mum, please remember I love you, I am you and you me.... I hope your painfree and watching over us.... I know you have been.... Waiting for another cue! Love Janice

[asheepoo21]

Janice,

I feel a lot like you do. The only difference is that I am only 17, havn't graduated high school, went to college, married, or had kids yet. But these are all things that I often think of my mom and dad missing and it kills me. I think about the coming of May, my 18th birthday and my high school graduation. Just to think that my parents can't be there to see me graduate in real life just makes me so angry. And then I begin to think about the future.. college, marriage, children, and even my career and I begin to think about how I will feel when those things arive and I will still not have my parents (especially mom; I was closest to her) and all I can do is break down and cry.

Don't worry about crying, I of all people know that it really helps to cry, and also I know how it is to have to put on a mask and make everyone around you think that everything is okay, when in all reality it's really not okay. I am now living with my great anut and uncle and my two cousins who are ages 18 and 16 so with them I really have to put on a mask because they just would not understand. Everytime I get on this website I delete my history off of the internet because I dont want anyone knowing that I have to get on here to get all of my emotions out to people who actually care and understand me.

One of the things that I have tried in the past was seening a therapist, but at the time I was so angry at the world that I got myself out of it because I made myself believe that it would not help to talk to someone, but now I am starting to rethink it all because i really do need to talk to someone. I am like you, I have layed in bed and cried myself to sleep numerous times, been driving in my car and started crying for no reason.

The loss of a mother (especially when you were very close to her like you and I) is very hard and I truly don't think that it is something that you will ever fully get through like everyone says you will, because i'm going on 3 years now and I still hurt as much as I did the day she died.

Stick in there and if you ever need anyone to talk to, i'm here for you although I may be only 17 years old, you could ask anyone around me, I am at a 25-30 year old level.

Ashley

[asheepoo21]

now becoming angry at people that still have their moms, or bitter that there are horrible people in this world, but my mother, who was a wonderful and caring person, is taken from me.

I know this is a little late to your post, but i just now getting to go back and read some of the one's that I havn't been able to read yet. Your post really caught my eye with the quote above. All of my friends still have their mothers and i often times find myself getting angry at them because they still have their moms and I don't and it's completly unfair. The worst part is when a friend gets into a fight with one of their parents and begins to vent to me and they talk about how much they hate them and i get so frustrated with that because they cant even begin to understand how lucky they are to just have their parents, but to say that they hate them just kills me.

This "life" that we are living is so unfair and basically it just SUCKS.

but I just wanted to let you know that i understand you!!!

ashley

[jazzikay]

A mother is like a flower, although it ages, its still beautiful

Just a little quote to show how i felt about my mom. She really was very pretty, she thought she was ugly but NOT MEEE! I just really miss her. So much. I just think of her face and memories and all that good stuff. I brake down. Oh and Asheepo Im way more mature than my age to. My friends say I am. I feel the same wasy about your quote. I think atleast if your gonna take anyones mom away take someone bad's away not mine. I cared so much about her. And im so stupid. I always knew she wasnt happy with life. Hello she had depression, Yeah i thought she would commit suicide but not so soon. I should have know. I know its bad to do this but i blame myself for this mostly. I could have made life a little easier for her. Taken the time to show her i really loved her, but no im to busy with friends, and myself. UGH it bugs me. That night before she died if I only knew. I would have spent the night with her or something. Man this sucks, I hate this world. Its so cruel what it does to people, Im only 13 I was 12 when it happened. Only 13 days before my birthday. UGHHHH some present huh?

-jasmine

p.s. Im really not in a good mood

[asheepoo21]

jasmine,

Babe, I know its hard for you not to blame yourself, because I did the same thing, but I've learned that really blaming yourself makes it a lot worse, when in all reality, you did NOTHING. There was nothing you could have done to stop your mom, she knew it was time, and you could have spent the whole week with her before she passed away, but that wouldnt have stopped it.

You can't live your life beating yourself up over something that you had no control over, you are still young like myself and you have a lot left in life to do. Your mom wouldn't want you to blame yourself, she would want you to be strong for her and your family and make her proud.

So please, do me a favor and try to focus on those things, it really will help you. Because there's nothing out there that we could have done to save either of our mom's lives. it was time!!

stay strond kido.. i know you can do it!!

ashley

[jazzikay]

Gee thanks Ashley. That really helped. I just miss her to much though I have a shirt with her face on it and it says "forever loved" and everyone says I look like her. Which is a compliment but I don't want to get reminded of her. I also have a locket with her and my dad's picture in it. When they were together. I just miss being a little kid even though my parents divorced when I was 1 and I never got a chance to see them together I don't care. I still saw them. I didn't even know what depression was. I didn't think about my mom doing that. She was just normal, a fun, loving mom. And I miss that. A whole lot. Im sure all of you do. But I just miss it so much because as I got older she became more unhappy and upset and more scarier to me because I became more worried about her health. And I hated when I asked her if she would ever kill herself but I forced myself to. And I didn't get the answer I wanted to hear. Which actually was nothing but a look away from my mom. Kinda sad and hurtful to me but yup that's my life for yah.

-jasmine

[novangel]

I really miss my Mom today.

I was looking at pictures of her last night from when we were all happy together, and I started crying. My Father (her ex-husband) is also selling the house that we grew up in with her. I feel like I'm slowly losing everything that represents her. This is so awful.

My husband has practically been zero support with all of this since she died. I don't know how much more I can take.

Thanks for reading. -G.

[lulabell]

Novangel,

I totally know how you feel. I have some photographs of my mum from her being a baby right up until she died. I find them very difficult to look at - my mother was both beautiful and lovely and because she died suddenly at 61 she still looked lovely and healthy which makes it doubly difficult to accept. I sdon't think I will ever be able to look at these photgraphs and smile. I also saved a voicemail message to my computer which she sent me the day before she died which I cannot find the courage to listen too. It would destroy me!

I feel very alone and unhappy without my mother - she was the only one who knew me inside out - we shared secrets, dreams and our inner most thoughts. Like you I have a partner who is no help at all in fact I am seeing more than ever just how insensitive he can be. I really don't like what I see and yet have no mother to ask advice on this one about. I feel I am just floating - going nowhere fast!

Like you there also seems to be a rush in the family to clear her belongings sell her house etc which absolutely kills me as it was my house too! Being the only unmarried sibling I used to stay at my mum's and had my own room there. My mum was divorced and because I am not married we shared a really special bond that transcends the mother daughter relationship and you know I am still not sure whether I will cope in the long term with that being gone. I can't even express my feelings to my siblings as they are all just getting on with it and telling them how I feel is a bit like throwing a spanner in the works.

This really is the toughest thing ever - but stay strong to preserve your mother's memory if nothing else!

Kind wishes

Lucie

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone, I am new to all this. I lost my mom 2 years ago. Today my dad bought the flowers at today's church service and my aunt got this incredibly wonderful opera singer to sing. I just about cried all through the service. I miss her terribly - I know she was around and I'm sure singing her lungs out as well. I am so sorry for all of your heartaches as you miss and cry for your moms. It's a terribly sad and lonely experience. Many prayers to all of you and love. Peace, tinygreyfeather

[jazzikay]

im just getting really tired of writing. I miss my mom so much. I dont even know how you guys deal with two years. Its only been 5 months. i just dont know anymore

[novangel]

I also saved a voicemail message to my computer which she sent me the day before she died which I cannot find the courage to listen too. It would destroy me!

I have an e-mail that she sent to me just a few hours before she died. I open and read it everyday....Sometimes over, and over again.

im just getting really tired of writing. I miss my mom so much. I dont even know how you guys deal with two years. Its only been 5 months. i just dont know anymore

You're so young sweety, I feel so badly. I can only imagine how hard this is for you but please don't give up hope. You will get through this! It's killing me inside too but we can lean on eachother for support. I'm just so sorry you've endured something like this so young. Take care, Jazzi. Send me an e-mail anytime you need to.

[janiceaden]

And so I ponder life without my mother, her warmly advice, her friendly and loving disposition... Now all I have is emptiness, I am a mother who will never be happy again as I am longing for her touch, her phone calls, and laugh....

This whole ordeal has been so surreal, I keep thinking she is alive and well, sitting at home with her dog on her lap watching some cooking show... I keep thinking that she is going to call me and ask me how to solve that puzzle she's been working on! The sun doesn't shine without her anymore.. Yes I may be blessed with 2 children, a hard working husband and a new home being made but it doesn't compare to the pain in my body when I think about her!

All we can do is remember, the good, the bad and the ugly.. I remember fighting with my mum before I got married b/c she wanted to invite all her workmates to my wedding (mean while my folks paid for our guests!).. How selfish of me, young and naive! I told my mum before she passed I wanted to have a huge party for my 30th (not until 2009) and how I wanted to dress like Cher. She kept saying "Jan, your so silly!" LOL... I made her laugh so much!

When she was in Hospital waiting to die she told the Nurse that I always 'woke' her up with my persona.. I was the life of the party like her, I reminded her of herself, she and I were so close and not having her there walking beside me is gut wrenching as is your loss....

I only hope that for every death there is a birth.... An arrival of a new soul to carry on the living when we're no longer.... I suppose thats why God implanted a baby to my sister and that's why my mum saw it as a gift from God... She will never hold him like she always dreamt of but I can only pray that she is there holding his hand...

[asheepoo21]

so yesterday was our annual mother/daughter lunch that our school student council throws. It was at a really nice resturant and all, and i wasnt going to go at first because i knew all it would do was upset me and i just didnt want all that. But a teacher at my school talked me into going. There was a slideshow of all the mothers and daughters and when i saw me and my moms picture all i did was cry my eyes out. I just miss her so much. I can't take it anymore.

the slideshow had all the reasons that a daugther needs her mom and all i could think about what "yes, a daughter needs a mom, and i dont have mine, and its not fair"

well im headed off to school for a bad day probably.

BLAHHH

[jazzikay]

hey im so sorry ashley. Thanks novangel.

You guys are just so lucky your mom was atleast happy. My mom was sad and miserable. She hated life really. Sad but true. Hey ashley maybe it was good to see you and your mom. you know? just to think of all the good memories. everyone always thinks you'll think of the bad memories but when I think of me and my mom's practical joke I laugh. She was always tired because of all her medication but I'd lay on her stomach when she watched TV. She used to watch this show pasions haha, kinda a bad show sorry if any of you like it, im a little younger. But I used to watch it and we'd make fun of every character lol i loved that. That was one of the few times she laughed, and that made me happy. When she cried you just don't know how much that killed me inside. It ripped me to shreads. Everytime I heard her cry I would sit with my brother for a bit longer and watch TV then go into my room and cry creally bad =[

I just miss the good ol' times, it isnt what it used to be without her, very lively and happy (mostly)

-jasmine

[novangel]

Jazzi,

From what I understand my Mother was very depressed about her health issues for a long time, but she hid it from me very well. There were many times she would express to me how "disgusted, tired and scared" she was, but then would quickly change the subject and we would go on to talk about something funny and less depressing. According to my Aunt and Step-Dad she was miserable.

I was very much in denial about how serious cancer actually is. I thought that bad things would never happen to her, and that she would live to be old. I still cannot grasp that she's gone. In my mind she's at home watching tv.

Hang in there.

[janiceaden]

www.aipc.net.au/eguides .

I hope you all find this website helpful. Today I bumped into somebody I haven't seen in a very long time.... As we had lost touch she asked me about my mother as she remembered she was unwell... I had to tell her that she passed away last year, I wish I could have told her she was great and active, healthy and fit.... But in the real World she's not... She's just a memory now, someone I will carry on to talk about until my dying days.

In everybodies experience of loss I feel a void and a lack of direction. If we keep journaling our hurt, anger and frustrations perhaps we can grow together.............

[Guest Guest]

I am new to this website and I am trying to find someone to help me with the loss of my mother. She passed away unexpectedly January 25, 2007 and I am not sure how to deal with her being gone. She was not my real mom but in my heart she was. My main thing is the past few days I have been having a dream of when she passed away,(it is like I was there when it happened). I am not sure how to handle that. Plus on top of that I have a 4 year old son that has been in her life since he was born. That was his mamaw. The past few days he has been going around the house saying he wants to die so he can be with his mamaw. I am not sure on what to do. Please help me on what I need to do.

[libra1]

Dear guest: i am very sorry for your loss. It is very early days for you. Your loss is recent. I can only suggest to you to keep coming on this website. We're all in the same boat, just at different stages of our grief. YOu will learn that what you are feeling is normal. You need to go through the grieving process, and don't rush it. There are books written on this subject, and websites that will give you an insight on the stages og grief. As for your son, I think you should explain to him that his mamaw would want him to live, and enjoy his little world. Children of his age adapt quicker than we do. i am concerned more about you, and the more people you talk to who have gone through similar losses, the better you'll feel. Keep in touch with us. Take care.

[babeegirlz23]

Dear Libra1

Thank you for your insight on the subject. My main thing right now is the fact I am having a dream that is showing me how she died and what was going on at the time of it all. My son is still saying it but when I ask him where is mamaw at he will tell you she is in heaven and she is an angel. Please I need some in sight on the dream. Because in the last 4 days I have only gotten about 6 hours of sleep.

[janiceaden]

Hello fellow friends and new friends..

From my personal experience on grief it never leaves you. It's always around like a constant shadow that over powers you just when your feeling a little 'ok'. There are so many triggers that set me off right now.. Visiting my mum's home, watching wedding video's and not having that Heart to Heart like we always did. Right now I am normalising my loss, coming to grips that I need to re-route my emotions and vent my anger by tuning in to myself, being alone with my thoughts and most importantly honouring my mother.

Today in a class I am doing about emotional intelligence for children we had to discuss our week and how we would describe it 'emotionally'... Yes, I cried, yes I weeped because all I could recall is how sad I have been this week without my mother. Yes I was heard and yes people 'tried' to empathise but the reality is this is my way of coping and dealing with this loss... It gets worst before it gets better!

Dear Guest re:dreams... I had a vivid dream that I was pregnant and that my mother was smiling at me and showing me that I was... Strangely I could feel 2 kicks in my stomach. Upon waking I thought I WAS PREGNANT, umtil I realised it was just a dream.... However I am a few days late and feeling very sluggish and I am seriously pondering if I am pregnant? I will keep you all posted....... But anyhow follow that dream, is she guiding you & trying to communicate something to you from the other side? Don't allow this to destroy you. Just question it and allow yourself to explore the other symbols that may be interwined into your dream. I understand that this is all fresh and new, but live day by day, hour by hour and not punish yourself for things out of your reach.

My Heart goes out too all of you, we're not alone, just when you think you are you realise there are others walking your shoes..... Peace JB

[michellemarie]

Hello Everyone, I am really having a bad day.I am looking at having my 4th shoulder surgery tommorrow and I wish I could talk to my mom. To hear her voice reassuring me and giving me that extra umph. I just cried all morning. This is the second time since she passed last July that I could really use a hug from her.

Moms are the best cheerleaders in the world for their kids. My mom always had a way with words even if they were the truth and you didn't want to hear it. But it was said with love.

[jazzikay]

Speaking of dreams and all that. My sister told me about a month ago that she also had a dream of my mom. My mom was talking to her, but she could see them like it wasnt first person. And my mom said she was in "limbo" the place between heaven and hell. This is because when you commit suicide it's a bad bad bad thing. God doesnt want you to cheat your death and take the easy way out. So my sister told me, my mom said they haven't decided yet where exactly she is goin. =[ I hope she goes up and not down

[janiceaden]

As per my dream and my mothers message I am pregnant! My results proved positive and I am really a bag of emotions as this will be a sad journey into motherhood without my mother. Today at the mall I saw mothers and daughters and grandchildren and I felt so angry and so sad that my mum wasn't there with me......................... It's a long and winding road!

[janiceaden]

I was very much in denial about how serious cancer actually is. I thought that bad things would never happen to her, and that she would live to be old. I still cannot grasp that she's gone. In my mind she's at home watching tv.

Denial kept me going for a long time.... It still does! I too like to think she is sitting down to her favourite show and smelling so fresh after her shower... I like to pretend she's knitting and/or cooking something for dinner......... Days like today you wonder why life can be so cruel!

[asheepoo21]

i havnt been able to write in a few days, senior year and college planning just keeps me so busy these days. I am keeping all of you on this site in my thoughts.. prayers just arent my thing these days.. i feel like all they do these days are let me down.

The dreams that all of you are talking about, you will have them periodicaly, just as i did after my mom passed away. i had a reocuring dream about the day of my moms death and it was exactly the same everytime. i just couldnt take it, it was just as i was reliving the moment all over again and i hated it. i still seem to have this dream every now and then and it seems to get me down every time.

life's just really tough for all of us here and i really hate it for all of us, but im glad that we all have eachother to talk to.

*im headed to my great great anuts funeral as we speak =[

thanks for listening!

-the 17 year old sad girl

ashley

[cherokeegirl]

Two years ago last September my mom passed away. My son and I found her. It was a Sunday. I tried calling her most of the morning and afternoon. Thinking that she was with her friend. But also knew she wasn't because she couldn't drive and her friend wasn't home. I was scared to go over there. So when my son came home I asked him to go over there with me. Then that is where my nightmare began. To this day, I have this feeling as though she is mad at me for not being there when she passed. I was there the night before and when I left her place, she looked at me like she didn't want me to leave. We said our "I Love You"'s, which I thank god for. But I still feel as though she is mad. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My other siblings I don't get along with. They see me as the outsider since I don't get "high". And I live my life the way that I want to live it. I don't talk to my Dad, because he is in bad health and they have been divorced for a LONG time. But they remained best friends. I miss my mom soo much. I had 39 great years with her. I think about her everyday. When I do, I have this heavy pain in my chest. I don't ever want to forget her voice, the smell of her hair. Which I did her hair for her. Thanks for listening.

[tfeenlea]

Hi all, It has been a few weeks. It is good to have this site to come back to and feel comfortable that everyone understands. It isn't quite 3 months yet, and we are about to face another death with my husbands grandmother any hour/day now - pancreatic cancer. We just found out 6 weeks ago today of this, which was 5 weeks after my mom died. It is going to be hard to take my children 7 and 9 to yet another funeral. (they lost their "papa" my husbands Dad in 2005, my Mom in late 2006, and now great gram in 2007.)

Ashley - first I have read your posts, you sound so strong after what you have been through. When I was 14, I had lost my grandpa, great grandma and godfather in a 6 month time frame ( I was close to all as my mom was a young mom and extended family played a big role in my childhood). I turned away from all religion and everythign then, and I wasn't even going through anything as bad as losing a mom then. After many, many years away I came back to church, although I never came back to truly believing. I go with my children because I want to give them something to believe in, to learn, and then they can make their decisions later. Plus, just going to church makes me feel better, even though I truly don't believe. I like our priest, he relates so well. He said the most beautiful homily at my mom's memorial service. (we had two services - one in the town she was buried, and one in the town where we live and went to church). Anyway - I don't think keeping going even though you don't believe is a bad thing - time will direct you on that.

I was wondering if anyone read the 5 people you meet in heaven. I thought it would make me cry too much, but it didn't and it is a very good book. The one thing I took away from it, was the message that things are not really random. It was a good read, and only was 2 hours to read.

Sort of on that topic, since my mom watched my kids, when she died, I had to find other arrangements for when they got out of school every day. Well - and this reminds me of Ashley and Jasmine - we had an occasional babysitter who is in high school whose mom actually also died less than 2 years ago, and while we were out of town for the funeral she left me a a voicemail message telling me how sorry she was for me ( when she at 16 lost her mom..) and she said she had only 1/2 days of school so she could help if I needed. Well she now gets my kids off the bus every day and I feel good that we are helping each other. I am going to tell her about this website. She seems to handle being without her mom better than I, but I know down deep that may not be true. She is such a good girl, she is going to college nearby so she can still be around for her 15 month old brother as her older sis is moving away.

A definite ramble, so I am sorry.

[rainspa]

I don't know if this will work. My Mother died last month.

[janiceaden]

Dear rainspa,

I am very sorry for your loss. My mother passed 3 mths ago from cancer. I am 28 and she was 53. From my loss I mourn her everyday, regardless if I'm waiting in a que or driving home from a function. The pain hasn't subsided as yet but my anxiety has lessened. My Heart however is still heavy as I think about my life without her and knowing life will never be the same. Just yesterday I found out I was pregnant, this is a very hard moment for me. I recall how much she cried when I told her that I was pregnant with son number one a little more then 4 yrs ago... But let's not dwell, I only hope you visit us from time to time. I wish I could give everybody a huge hug from Australia. If we survive this we can survive anything...... Let's support each other and relish that our misery is one that is shared..... Death is an unpleasant experience and it brings out the worst in us, lets face it there's nothing pleasant in it, but it's an ordeal every human being will endure in their lifespan........... Shared and be heard...... With fondness JB

[jazzikay]

howdie.

I havent written in a while. but anways congrats on your new awaiting baby. best of wishes. I like have been sad lately. I don't do good on the boy department. but I finally like this kid and I cant even tallk to my mom about it. dang it sucks real bad. she was the kind of person you could have the longest talk with and just feel so comfortable with. She kept secrets and would just listen to you. and I miss that a lot.

[janiceaden]

Hi Jazzikay

Boys, boys,boys!! Your entering a new chapter in your life called adolescence... I often think about you as I know your only young and yet burdened with so much Heartache... I feel for you very much so. However it's amzing how we adapt to things, if you can find something in life that makes you smile for a while follow it.... I promised myself not too dwell too much on self pity. This morning I went to a trash n treasure sale and I bought a knitting book (my mum loved to knit). I wasn't going to buy it at first but then I felt an urgency too... I will give this book to my mum's sister and perhaps she can knit me something for my children.... My mum's death came at a really bad time or perhaps a good time??? My sister and I both expecting babies, we're both building new homes and our other children growing everyday.... I don't know, often I think her life was a waste!

(PS MY BROTHER JUST CALLED AND HIS ARGUING WITH MY DAD REGARDING SAUSAGES WHICH HAVE GONE OFF.... MY DAD WANTS TO COOK THEM AND MY BROTHER WANTS TO THROW THEM AWAY! I DON'T KNOW I THINK MY MUM'S DEATH IS SLOWLY KILLING MY DAD! I AM REALLY SAD NOW)

[novangel]

God I need my Mother right now. She just died a month ago and now my husband is leaving me. I don't know how much more I can take.

[janiceaden]

I'm sorry for your pain Novangel... Is it a mutual separation or does he want time out? Isn't it funny how much we need our mothers during crisis, we need them to talk with, cry with and most importantly too hold. Keep your mother near, she may be a World away but she is close to your every move. Can you shift your pain and seek help else where? It's a long and lonely road without a mother but be assured that this is a bridge that you can walk on! I long for my mother's voice everyday, especially now since I am carrying her grandchild... We all feel pain and it's OK to cry and be angry, however don't carry this burden alone, share it with someone, perhaps a sibling? I do think everything happens for a reason and our mothers returning home was called upon by a higher being..... Let that strength you have shine through, let your mother's legacy burn to conquer all..... This is not the end but the beginning.... My thoughts are with you......... xx