Loss of a Mother

[libra1]

Dear friends: I've been reading the latest posts, and have become very emotional. I can relate to all of you in differest ways. Eulahah, just like you my mom died suddenly of a heart attack . She was in England, I in Canada. The guilt consumes me,and like you Lucie, my mom died alone. I don't know how much pain she was in, again the guilt consumes me.I too struggle with what goes on after death. I believe you should do whatever it takes to give you peace, so contact her if that is the path. Dianna, what your going through is so very normal. If you google, stages of grief, you'll understand it a little more. It does get better, I assure you. However, the pain does not go away, we just learn to live with ita litlle better as times goes by. I am still grieving after 9 months. I feel a terrible void, and there is a constant pit in my stomach. I was out with friends last night. One of them is going on a cruise with her parents to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Another just went to Montreal to celebrate her mom's 70th. Someone was about to celbrate her mom's 80th. I stayed quiet, but managed to suck in my anguish. they had obviously forgotten my pain.My mom was 66 when she died. I felt that they were so naive, I am the youngest, but felt alot more mature than them.We're gonna have to face these situations, cos we're in the same boat. A few months ago, I would've not been able to sit amongst this same group of people. Unless you've gone thru something like this...you just don't know the pain. We'll all get thru this together. My 2 kids have kept me going. They want me to start taking care of myself. They are very worried for me. You too will find reasons to go on....your mom is in your heart forever. Take care...

[lulabell]

Libra 1 thank you for your kind words. I didn't really go into how guilty I feel about my mum dying all alone because I find it too hideous to bear even to myself - the story is complicated but it reflects badly on me and is linked to my bitterness over my brothers and sister which my mum always said I should try to be the better person over yet I couldn't and paid the ultimate price. I always told my mum I would be there for her when she really needed me and the fact was I wasn't - this I will have to live with for the rest of my life. It destroys me everytime I think about it and as yet there are so many unknowns still about how she died so I am still wondering if I could have made a difference had I been there.

However I am not posting to load all my crap on everyone but more with a message of hope. I have been agonising for days over how and at what time my mum died. We know she woke in the morning which was usually around 8.30, had a cup of coffee and a cigarette - she was found at around 7pm ish that day and as I was told by my brother was cold to the touch. The rest of the details have been torturing me and I have spent sleepless nights over it. For several nights now I have been praying for my mum to give me a sign.

Anyway today which is 27 days from her death which as I mentioned was on the 27th of December, I get a phone call and when I look at the caller id - the phone says its my number!!!!! How can I ring myself? The ring tone also sounded really weird. The phone rang off and the time of call was 9.41. I think this was my mum trying to tell me that she died quickly and didn't suffer so to stop destroying myself over it. This I swear is absolutely true!

Not sure whether I am reading too much into it but hopefully it means our mums are there watching and protecting us from wherever!

Thank you mum I love you with all my heart!

Lucie

[belindacharlette]

Losing is a mom whether or not you were close to her is the absolute thing possible. My mom died 9 years ago and I still remember it as if it were a month ago. If anyone gets a chance to read the book 'Motherless Daughters' by Hope Edelman, it is wonderful! She talks about what a woman/girl goes through and how it affects the various stages in life. I can see that as right now is a more difficult time for me because I am going through a separation/divorce, and a very dear friend of mine is with his mom everyday because she is in pallative and I miss him very much.

[lilly511]

As I was unpacking I found some photo's of my mother holding my son and smiling. I felt so sad to look at them as it's all a faded memory now. I don't know how I am going to cope when my sister has her baby. ... Ohhh How I long for my mother

Janice, I can relate. My mother passed away in November, 2005. She died of pancreatic cancer. She was a sturdy woman who raised most of her 7 children on her own. She absolutely LIVED for her grandchildren. What a smile they all brought to her face. Our second daughter, Lillian was born in May of 2005, as Mom was just starting to get sicker. She was able to travel that month for my girls B-day party (my other daughter's B-day is also in May), and we got the BEST picture of her holding our baby daughter. It's a little fuzzy, so it looks like there is just this 'aura' around her as she smiles and holds her.

In November 2006 Lillian passed away unexpectedly in her crib. I look at that picture now, and even though I'm so upset that Mom wasn't there in my family's time of tragedy, our baby girl has the best grandma taking care of her now.

John

[septemberspain]

Today I found myself back in the moment of the day my mom died (9-5-05) It's been a while since my last posting to this board.

My mom's oldest sister was hospitalized Tuesday and it's been a rough journey. Yesterday, my cousin called to tell me that not only was his mom on life support but they also discovered that she too had CANCER... God knows I hate that disease it's claiming yet another member of my family this year. Jan 1st I lost a cousin who was 36 to this disease and frankly I'm numb. I know that death is a part of life and as part of the birthing process there is a dying process. My mother's death was just 16 almost 17 months ago and I thought I was doing good with the grieving process then here I am again grieving for my mom just as if it only happened yesterday. I live a few states away from my cousin's that are losing their mother I'm wishing I was there with them. But on the same token I can't bear the feelings that I'm going thru. It's been hard because they know we meaning my siblings basically had to make the same decisions they are now facing. It tears my heart apart because I know that pain personally. I know they are just seeking some comfort and trying to make sense to all this but in realilty it's hard trying not to be emotional and cold so to speak. My aunt is bleeding out.....There is no coming back from where she is and honestly my heart is with them but yet this holds too many emotions and memories. My cousins were there for us as we went thru this and I want to be there for them but because of my own experience I feel as if I have to just listen as they cling to false hope. My aunt is on life support and her organs are shutting down......But how do you tell someone that this is the end to a life they know. I've prayed countless prayers for their strength, faith, trust and courage. My heart hurts because now with this happening I know I now must face my own demon. When my mother died I didn't see my mother lying in her casket instead I saw my aunt (I'm not trying to confuse you my mom and aunt looked like twins all the way down to their smiles) I know that once I have to view my aunt's body I'm going to lose all that is left in me because realilty will set in and I will have to come to terms with my mom's death. Even though in my mind I knew it was her my first reaction was oh look at auntxxxxx and I felt that it was my minds way of getting thru that day and moment. Sometimes I feel like I'm in denial but deep in my heart I know she's not coming back but I didn't have the closure the ability to separate the 2 and now here I am 16 months later terrified of confronting that demon.......

I don't even know why I'm writing this out all I know is I'm afraid

[janiceaden]

There's nothing more lonelier then living without a loved one. Nowdays I feel more bitter in my Heart then love. Since losing my mother I want to shout out how unfair death is! I want people to know that she is gone and there is nothing else in my life that makes me happy anymore! I just got back from a short trip with my immediate family and deep down all I did was think about my mother, how much I miss her, how angry I am that her life has been cut short and how I will Never See Her AGAIN!! Whilst I was away the house I stayed in had a few DVD's there for our entertainment viewing, one was The Never Ending Story, a movie I grew up watching. In the movie Bastian is motherless and speaks about her in such a way that it broke my Heart too watch..... My mother loved that movie, and it was bittersweet watching it with my 4 year old... Just as Fantasia was being consumed by this Nothingness so was my Heart... I just feel like this void will never be replaced. No riches or new born can ever bring me back what I and you have lost!! However, I did enjoy reading Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her experiences with working with dying patients and their encounters with crossing over.... Her own encounters were also interesting, she spoke about her encounter with Jesus and her Spiritual Guides...... I know my mother is with me as I am often finding precious feathers and my son kept talking about Butterflies in the sky... She was there with me on my Holiday and as I listen too her Dolly Parton CD she is smiling on me.....

As for John, my Heartfelt sympathy to you and yours..... I can only hope that your image of Lillian and your mother comforts you and brings you warmth in your Heart.... I can only pray that your journey in life is meaningful and peaceful. Somehow I feel that this death has made me what to seek the unknown and look for more purpose in life.... Perhaps my destiny is being pathed with my mother's intervention...

[lilly511]

One thing that I can say with confidence to everyone on this board....and some might not want to hear it as I sometimes do not.....is that at least we have the grief and the pain because we had a mother to love and cherish. I know that is cliche and somewhat corny, but it is so true. Everyday, as a teacher, I see so many kids take their mother and parents for granted. Everyday, I also see mom's who take their kids and their own motherhood for granted. Let's be thankful everyday that we had someone so great to us that we remember and mourn for her....no matter how hard it is.

John

[Guest Guest]

My mother passed on 12/30/06. I cant believe that I actually typed that...I am trying not to face it, so writing it is hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My mom, my confidant, my best friend...is gone. I am so angry. Angry that at 72 she passed....I feel its so unfair....I hate being here without her.....I have 2 daughters of my own and I feel as if I am not being a great mom right now...I am mourning so much over this. I am happy to have found this board.....I am sorry all of you are going through this...it plain sucks.

[lulabell]

My beautiful mother died suddenly on 27th December 2007 - she was just 61 and one minute she was fine the next gone. As the days pass I keep thinking that she would herself be devastated at the devastation I am feeling - if she were here she would try to make everything alright but she isn't. Death is so final and I can find no peace at all. My centre has gone and everything just feels so empty and vacuous. I am trying to be strong and keep reading this forum in the hope that things get better but it seems they do not. In fact I am worried that they will get much worse - I am already missing my mum like crazy and just cannot stand the thought that I will never see her again.

My heart goes out to everyone on this forum!

Lucie

[jackiewitter]

Hello all, I was going to reply to Lucie, but as I kept reading downward, there are just so many post of recent. The loss of my mother changed everything about me and I thought nothing could possibly be harder than that, until I lost my little brother, Mom's baby boy. My Mom was 71 when she died, so very young. Even though my brother was 43 when he died, he was her baby and I truly believe that loss would have devestated her had she been alive. For the first time in my life in Aug 2006, I was glad that my mother was not alive. I can tell you all this much, I have survived almost 6 years without my mom. It does get a little easier. The first months without Mommie were crushing. As time goes on, you ease into it. The hardest part is the realization that you now are your own identity, I had been Mommies only daughter for so many years, I did not know who I was without her. Unfortunately Lucie, you will find that there are days that are seem worse, just reach out when you need to. You would think that having been through this before with my mother in 2001 and then my father in 2004, I would have been prepared to some degree, but I was no where near prepared for the loss of my brother. I had lost all the tools that it took to get me through those deaths. There is nothing that anyone can say to ease your pain, just know that there are people here are or have gone through the same pain you are. If nothing else, there is someone that will listen to you. If I can help in anyway, please contact me. I will keep you and everyone else here that is suffering in my prayers...Peace, Jackie

[libra1]

Hi all, it's been almost 10 months since my mom passed, and I was beginning to think that I should not be on this site anymore, for everyone's losses are alot more recent than mine. I read your Septemberspain's post and can relate a little. My husband's Aunt has cancer. My mother-in-law wants me to take her to visit her...she has just been diagnosed..no hope. I am dreading taking her there because my pain is still fresh, and this whole dying thing takes me back to the first day I got the news my mom had passed. My mother-in-law is freaking out about losing sister. She's looking to me for support, and I feel numb...I don't want to go through anything so depressing. Am I being selfish??? Life is so unfair. All of our mom's died so young, when I hear of people who die even younger, I come to realise that you just don't know when it's your number. Nothing makes sense anymore..I'm starting to feel a sense of doom, wandering who will be next. Whenever the phone rings a long distance tone, i jump, cos I think I'm gonna get bad news about my dad..Sorry to ramble, but this week with it being very cold here in Canada, I am really gloomy...Lots of negative thoughts are coming my way. Can anyone advice me how to get out of this rut...help!!

[tfeenlea]

Hi all, I feel I can come back here when it gets toughest, and I am starting to feel that even my best girlfriends, the ones who have been so thoughtful and listening and coaching and counseling, even they can't hear about my sorrow every day. The stories here keep me grounded that there are others that know my pain. As of yet I have no real good ideas on how to help anyone, as I am still in the throes of everything. My mom died suddenly 12/13/2006 - Lucie - if you still don't know why your mom passed - inquire about a blood clot in the lungs. It is called a pulmonary embolism. It actually causes many unexpected deaths where the person didn't clearly have a heart attack or stroke. My mom was also alone - she lived alone and every day would come to my house and watch my children while I worked. And she didn\'t come that morning. She had been sick most of 2006 off and on, first with a bad case of the flu (hospital stay) and then with gallbladder issues, and throughout had respitory infections due to her smoking - bronchitis and emphysema type stuff. None of these cause a blood clot but smoking and being overweight are risk factors. Any way it is so hard to have her ripped so suddenly with no warning. Because she was not well so much, we didn't get to do anything "fun" like we usually do, and it was a tough year because I was so angry that she went back to smoking after having quit for 4 months after the flu. We had some dark days during the year as I was trying to come to grips with the fact that I could not make her change unless she could do it herself. Every week in church I prayed she would find the strength to get healthy. I didn't pray for her to change - just to find the strength to get better. I guess that didn't work out. I just wish I had hugged her more this year, and listened more to things she was interested in, and just been more in the moment with her. But I didn't think she'd leave me so soon. I sadly had always expected a long term battle with lung cancer or emphysema due to her smoking. We had plans, children to grow, high schools to graduate, weddings to plan - my children saw her every day - they were her life. To add pain as if we hadn't had enough - 2 weeks ago, my husband's grandmother into the hospital and has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She is 78. My hubby lost his Dad less than two years ago now his mom's mom. My kids are getting a little weary on this death thing... "great grandma is going to die now too".... add to that, my good friend/neighbor - who was also very close to my mom - we call her my adopted sis - her father in law died last night. Didn't know he was close to dying until 2 weeks ago into hospital and cancer everywhere. I was driving home tonight having just found out this news and there is nobody for me to call on the cell to talk this over with - she is gone.... Can this winter get any darker?

Even as I deal with these new events, I struggle between the overpowering realization that my path of life is irrevocably changed from what it was and who I am and how I view myself is all different(I have never been me without her) - and - the fact that I know my mom would not want me in misery the rest of my life. She like you say Lucie - would be here telling me it is going to be okay and that the person who died would want me to go on with my life in their memory. My mom overcame many difficulties to raise me alone and shielded me from understanding any real hardship she may have known. My childhood and adulthood was fun and wonderful even though she had many difficulties. She would never want me to let this ruin mine or my children\'s life. I now worry more about my own mortality - only relative to my children. I couldn't bear for them to go through this pain. I think I have lost my direction here on my post so I'll sign off for now. good night, Tracy

[messenger]

DEAR ONES...........READING YOUR POSTS............MADE MY HEART SO HEAVY................I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL...OF YOU...LOSING YOUR MOTHER NO MATTER HOW RECENT OR HOW LONG AGO...IS A MAJOR............EVENT IN OUR LIVES......I LOST MINE FEB. 5TH .....OF 1996........COMING UP TO BE 11 YEARS..VERY SOON.............AND IT IS STILL A HARD DAY...TIME DOES HELP BUT NONE OF US WILL EVER GET OVER THE LOSS......

YES CANCER IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE..........I HATE IT WITH A PASSION....WE LOST OUR SON 19 MONTHS AGO...AND THE PAIN IS SO FRESH......EVEN MORE SO THEN IT WAS A YEAR AGO...........IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE............THE SHOCK WEARS OFF AFTER A YEAR AND REALITY SETS IN.....THAT IS WHERE I AM NOW WITH HIM BEING GONE...BUT I KNOW..........HE IS WITH MY MOM AND MY DAD...WHOM HE NEVER GOT TO MEET..

WE ALL HAVE TO HANG IN THERE......AND BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER..WE ARE ALL HURTING WITH DIFFERENT LOSSES.. ALL ..IN PAIN AND WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER BY ENCOURAGING EACH OTHER WHEN NEEDED....I FIND MUCH PEACE IN MY CHURCH..JUST SITTNG AND PRAYING AND BEING STILL...................

MAY YOU ALL FIND PEACE..........AND KNOW..EACH OF YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS.

SINCERELY

MESSENGER

[janiceaden]

Hello Friends and Company,

A child's grief for the loss of a mother is such an enormous hole regardless of any age.... I am feeling so void lately, as time passes the more I am feeling the anguish of not having my beloved mother with me.... It's just when everything is looking great that it all blows up in your face. I am organising my son's 4th b'day and I am finding it depressing that she won't be there to celebrate her only grandson's b'day.... I recall my husband telling my mother I was pregnant and she cried with happiness... Bless her, she was so special to me.. I remember her visiting me in the Hospital when I gave birth to Aden, sadly I left her to die in a Hospital... She took her last breathes lying there in so much pain with sorrowful eye's.... Somedays it's so surreal that she is not here, but I have a feeling she is with me.... I cried three times this week talking about her, I just can't get over it..... I found her keys and glasses in my car this evening, if only I could call her to tell her I found them.... Cancer is a horrible murderer, if only she didn't succumb to it, we would be so happy and living carefree.... In seriousness I am very bitter about her treatment as a patient and wonder daily if the Dr's did do enough for her... In my eye's I lost the only person I would give my left arm for, she was my confidant and buddy.... The only way I survive nowdays is just knowing that death will re-unite us.... I really can not wait too see her again... Heaven must be beautiful... Bless u all xx

[xjazzk]

Hello everyone. I havent written in almost one month. But lately i've been feeling blue. Everytime I realize that I will never see my mom again it hits me like a stone wall. Now I have a confession to make. I think I've cried myself to sleep EVERY single night this week. It's hard for me. I see other girls my age have a mom but I do not. The other day I think yesterday I found and old diary of mine I wrote in three times in october. The second one was about my mom and how I missed her. But it was before my grandmother died. The last one was after my grandmother died. It made me sad because they both were awesome. I miss them more than anything.

If only there were a time machine

Jasmine

[Guest Guest]

Hello All: I am new to this so have patience with me. I lost my precious Mother just this past Monday, January 29 @ 5:40p.m. I am sick with grief.

[Guest Guest]

....see what I mean about "being patient with me". I entered the previous reply in error. (sorry) I lost Mom last Monday and am just floating. I have been on the net trying to find something, anything, that will relieve this pain a bit. I read what "xjazzk" wrote about the "stone wall" and I related to it so much I wanted to just say that I will be doing okay for a few minutes then the reality hits me like a wrecking ball, one of those huge balls they use to demo buildings, that is the only way I can describe it, it hits me that Mom is gone. I won't hear her precious voice, see her beautiful face ever again. I know my loss is so recent but can anyone, please, tell me how to move onto the next day, how to take the next step?

[Edmund]

losing your mother is a loss like no other as they gave you life. take 1 day @ a time; don't neglect yourself. remember to eat, drink, & sleep. it takes time but it eventually will be bittersweet. hang on to the memories. my mom was an angel taken on 8/22/06 @ age 87(feast of Queenship of Mary) & I still cry almost daily. AS time goes by you will learn to start balancing the time & tears. it takes as long as it takes, my friends.we do pray for each other on this board & that is powerful. many of you are still in shock, please be good to yourselves, as that is what all of our moms would want! Blessings...ed

[mestiza46]

Dear Edmund: Thank you. I have trouble sleeping and got on the net to continue reading everything I can on this site. Thank you for responding to my posting; it makes me feel better when I can share someone's experience in losing a parent, it gives me hope. I will follow your advice on eating, drinking, sleeping and taking care of myself. You are so right, Mom would want me to be taking care of myself at this time. I liked what you said about learning to balance time with the tears, I will share that with my sisters who are also grieving. Pray for me and my sisters and the rest of my family, our loss is overwhelming. It's just so fresh right now, we are still making arragements for her service and we're having a hard time with that, it makes everything so real, so final, yet again, I feel after the services are done we can move on to the next phase. I will miss my precious Mother all my days. Thanks again Edmund..............your friend, Pam

[jackiewitter]

Hi Pam,

I just wanted to say everything Edmond said is correct. I would encourage you to continue to come here as you need. Don't push your self to get on with life as so many will try to tell you to do. These losses bring a flood of emotions. Anger at so many and anger with yourself. You have your sisters to share your grief with, but remember that everyone grieves in a different manner. I believe I owe so much to this site and to my friends that I have made here, my sanity, my marriage. While I still have issues taking place that will not allow me to put this burden down, I feel that I am ready to move into some of the more gentle and kind reflections of my brother, my mother and my father. I have closed my eyes and imagined them all together now and that was something that my heart could not bear two months ago. I am not getting my hopes up by thinking that the worst has passed, because that has happened before. One day I made it an entire day without crying and the next day I was a basket case. My youngest daughter told me one day that she thought I was better, by the end of the evening, she told me "nevermind, I take that back". As Edmond said, be good to yourself. If you are a drinker, be careful, that comes with a myrid of it's own problems, I found that out one night with a bottle of wine as my family was putting me to bed while I cried, I have had to be quite careful with the drink because it seems to magnify my losses. This site has been a life saver for me (quite possibly literally). If I can help you in anyway, please do not hesitate to reach out. Everyone here shares the one common goal, to create a life without the loved one that was taken from them and somehow still keep that loved one close. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[lulabell]

It's now been just over a month since my mum died - my rock, soulmate and best friend. Already I am getting the feeling from friends and work colleagues that okay its happened you should be getting over it now. How will I ever get over this? Tracy wrote "it is so hard to have her ripped so suddenly with no warning" and I totally relate as my mum died suddenly on the 27th December having been absolutely fine before then. Nothing but nothing can prepare you for having a wonderful mother one minute and then gone - nothing - silence the next. I cannot bear the silence! Like you Tracy I expected to have a long haul with lung cancer or some other terminal illness - my mum too was a smoker - in a way I would have preferred that at least then I could have looked after her, combed her hair, offered her comfort and said goodbye. This is selfish I know but how can I come to terms with her suddenly dying for no apparent reason at the tender age of 61? (Still haven't got an inquest date but pulmonary embolism has been mentioned to the Coroner!) We were robbed - just totally robbed!

My Gran (my mum's mum) died in April 06 aged 92 and we all accepted it - she was ready to go had lived a long and happy life - the cycle of life and death played out the way it is supposed to. It seems that old age or illness prepares you at least to some extent to accept death. My mum on the other hand had her life ahead of her - she had just retired - we went on holiday together every year and this year were supposed to be going to Italy, supposed to be spending New Year together....the list goes on. Like Tracy - it seemed that there was still lots to do and lots of experiences to share. Now there is nothing just a huge unfillable gap which was once inhabited by my vibrant, fun-loving, understanding mother!

Sorry if I sound so bitter but there is just no justice - no justice at all!

Warm wishes to you all

Lucie

[janiceaden]

Last night was the first 'family gathering' without my mother being there with us. It was so sad to see my father watch the Bride and Groom dancing. I was in tears knowing that my mother was very much missed. I had no motivation at all to attend this wedding, why would I when my mother wasn't going to be present? The saddest ordeal was where my father was sitting, he was the only 'single' man on his table, all of the other couples were much older then him and in there 70's.... My dad is only 60 and my mum was only 53.... The reality is that it doesn't get easier, I cry more often now then weeks after the funeral... It was be 3 mths this February since I last held her hand, spoke to her about my children and watched her take her last breath.

In honesty I had time to mourn for her during her illness but it's the 'void' now that leaves me looking for answers. The emptiness of not hearing her voice, watching her walk down my driveway or just calling her for the sake of talking is killing me.... When will this pain ever leave?

[libra1]

Lucie, my mom died very suddenly too. It really rips your heart out when something like this happens. truth is it's been 10 months, and almost no one asks me hOw I'm doing except my 15 year old son, and my dad. I'm getting used to it, but you lost your mom just a month ago. Those friends and collegues who are not compassionate obviously haven't been thru this kind of devastation. Don't look for them for support. I still see a grief counsellor, and coming on this site has been a great help. My immediate family, my son, daughter, and husband have been a great pillar of strength. In time you will come to know who your best supprt group is. Meanwhile, just take one day at a time. The void does not go away...I still feel it...you just cope a bit better. Janice, I too feel my dad's pain when he's in a situation wher couples of his age and older are together. He had a fantastic, trouble free, 45 year marriage to my mother. They were about to travel the world. I used to fear something would happen to my dad, because he is 5 years older, and generally not healthy. I never, ever thought my mom would go first. I thought I had at least another 10 years with her. I feel like I'm hanging on to my dad, and every time the phone rings , long distance( I live in another country), I fear the worst. I don't know how much longer I can carry on with these fears. I can't seem to relax about anything since mom died. Two of my close Uncles have died since. I feel all the people who have loved me are starting to die on me. Sorry for sounding a bit negative , but you can't help but fall into a downward spiral. Quite honestly, I wake up in the morning thinling WHO'S NEXT!!!!

[septemberspain]

Hello everyone,

Today marks month number 17 that my mom died. I really wish I could offer some words of advice on how I've made it this far without her. My heart aches for all the people here that are just starting out on this journey. I also think back to when I first found this board and my constant writing. I also recognize the pain that is written and the uncertain of the way WE are suppose to grieve. It's been 17 long hard months and I wish I could say that I'm over this loss but then again I am not going to type lies. My mom died at the age of 65 due to cancer of the colon that wasn't detected until 6 weeks before she died. My life changed...... I went thru the days of not knowing how I would take my next breath or even if I wanted to take the next breathe. I've pushed people away, I even had so much anger built up in me that anybody who associated with me felt the wrath. I felt stripped of who I was not knowing how I was going to live thru the next moment because the only person who gave me unconditional love was gone. I didn't want to be a part of life anymore. I had so many unanswered questions and I was starting to not like who I was anymore. Is all that behind me yet? Not by a long shot, but I started to regain focus on what my mom meant to me. She didn't raise me to just roll over and give in she taught me with every ounce of her being to love who I was and to have the courage to push on. You know for once in my life I'm actually learning that things will be alright. Not the same but I will be strong enough to get thru what ever comes my way. I can't tell you of the countless times of not eating sleeping or just plain living but once I made it thru those periods I said "Thanks Mom" because I knew it was what she raised me to do. My mom was a woman that enforced the rule of taking care of each other (my siblings & family) and for reasons beyond my control this enforced rule has carried me thru many dark days and nights. I'm not saying that you need to move on what I'm saying is deep down inside of everyone of us there is something that our moms taught us whether it's to smile thru the tears to fight like this is your last battle but there is something deep down inside that only you know what MOM wanted. When I found that answer for me it put alot of my confusion in a term I could accept. I still refer to my mom as if she is still here even though I know she not but then again to me she is still here because she is in me all my actions all my habits somehow I know this is her way of letting me know it's ok. So to those that are crying daily CRY because it helps there is nothing wrong with having a commerical break from this life of grief. Don't let other people tell you when you should stop crying or when to get on with your life. My younger sister once said to me You know you had mommy for 44 years of your life that's a long time but if it takes you another 44 years of your life to stop crying and hurting for her then it's ok. So I guess what I'm trying to say is it's ok to cry everyday for the rest of your lives but remember to add some tears of happiness because after all they didn't raise us without tears or emotions they raised us to be what we are today. I'm not trying to offend I just wanted to offer a different perspective to the crazy emotions that have turned the life as we once knew it to be upside down.

I'm praying for each and everyone of you here this board is indeed a life preserver it kept me from drowning on many occassions. Be good to yourself and take care of yourselves you know as well as I do your mother's all wanted the best for you.

On a different note, my Aunt did die the same day I posted my fears. Did I face my demons/fears No! I'm just taking it one day at a time. My sisters went and my worst fears were confirmed MY mother's twin soooooooooo see I'm still not BRAVE enough yet. I guess I missed that face off and now I know in some weird strange way I'll get my chance to face that demon.

[mestiza46]

Dear Friends: I check back to this site several times a day just to read the new postings. I am trying to grasp things, anything, that gives me solace. For the few moments it takes me to read the newest postings I do get a measure of peace, some comfort, then BOOM!! I get hit in the face again with that wrecking ball that Mom is gone, it is so final, I won't see her again, ever ever ever.

I need some advice, please. Even though my world has stopped, the outside world is still going on. It seems so unfair, I want EVERYONE to stop what they are doing and grieve with me but I know that is not how it goes in this life.

I still have to clean my house, wash clothes, pay bills, take Freddie & Marcello to the groomers, pick up the lawn after them, the list goes on and on...but I feel like I am betraying Mom. But what is my alternative? If I just lay in bed like I want to, then my house and life tumbles down around my head and the reality is I get more aggrevated seeing my house a mess, having no clean clothes and seeing the fridge empty. I know it sounds crazy but I want my world to stop but I know it can't When I am finished with this posting I have to go and do errands, freaking errands!! H E L L O!! Mom is gone, who the heck cares about errands??!! Can someone help me out here? Am I supposed to stay in bed or am I supposed to do errands?

[Edmund]

mom wants you all to do the errands of life & to go on & find a reason to smile once in a while. try to get mom in your dreams; ask every nite calmly & patiently, eventually you might make contact! please everyone remember the life, not the death. when you enter eternal life you will be back w/ your mom but don't rush things. i will pray for all of my friends here & hope that all of us pray for each other as usual. one day @ a time...ed

[xjazzk]

Dear everyone.. Whether you lost your mom this year last year or twenty years ago its still hard to compute. I think of the future mostly. I won't have my mom when I finally find a boy I " love " and when I have a baby and when all these things happen. When it all just started I just thought ohhh momm is just not visiting and I'll see her. But then it hits you. She will never come back and its like WHY? like i miss my mom so much it's not even like funny. like i cry myself to sleep every night. My friends have no idea how it feels they dont know what to say. My mom's birthday is coming up. Her 45th. I just wish we could skip it. Why bring the pain. March 30th .... so far away but yet so close. hmmm. I just wish we could start life over.. but everything followed the same path but without the diseases and the pain that life brings. Wouldnt that be great. I mean it's nice to know friends care but it's hard because you cant talk to them about it because no one knows how your feeling. Ugh you know?

jasmine

[dearjeff]

Sometimes I don't want to live in this world without my Mom. The emptiness is so hard to bare.

[xjazzk]

NOOO... dearjeff don't think that. Please bare with me. Ok if you ended life now think of all the other people you would bring pain to. Listen to me on this one. I know it's hard to deal with trust me I'm probbly younger than you like I am to everyone else on here. You will see your mom again, you will. Another place another time but you will. Think of all the good times alright. I didn't want to live either but I have all of my life ahead of me being 13 isn't easy but I made it though the hardest part. Please reconsider any bad thoughts

jasmine

[libra1]

God bless you little Jasmine. Your words are precious. I too feel so low sometimes i just want to end it. I can't, I have two kids to raise. I just can't bear a life time without mom. I wish I could contact her or something. This whole thing just sucks. I wish I had your spirit, Jasmine. You give me hope. Thanks.

[Kelly]

We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

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Kelly

[xjazzk]

awe thanks. But I don't have that much spirit.

I have been getting hit hard with memories lately.

it's a hard life but hold on cause you'll make it through.

jasmine

[messenger]

EVERYONE,,I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR MOTHERS..THEY ARE SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF OUR LIVES...........AND EDMUND......I KNOW YOU MOM IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HERE YOU ARE HELPING OTHERS WHEN YOU JUST LOST YOUR MOTHER NOT LONG AGO..I KNOW SHE IS SMILING............GOD BLESS YOU ALL

MESSENGER

[Edmund]

thanx; perhaps i try to help others as i can't help myself! as mofly said elsewhere we should pray for little dannielyn smith as her mom is gone (anna nicole who died of a broken heart) just 6 months after she was born. someone said on msnbc that grief can kill; which is scarily true. God bless & keep you all! ed

[mofirefly]

Edmund - I found your remark that perhaps you help others because you can't help yourself very interesting. Perhaps that is why I come to these boards sometimes, because I can read for myself that there are others out there going thru stuff far worse that I am, and because I know how much pain I'm in I want to try and help them, and sometimes by taking my mind off my own pain it does sometimes seem a litter easier to bear. Not sure what I'm trying to get across but I do know that this isn't something to go thru alone. By the way, how is getting to & from work in the snow going?

[jackiewitter]

mofirefly, you and Edmond have it right. The pain is to intense for you to handle, but when you are on the outside and you are comforting someone else it feels so good. When I am at my lowest, I come here (which is more often that I care to admit). It is so comforting here because people understand what you are going through. You read someone's post and say "Oh my gosh, that is exactly what I feel". Reading and responding to these post make me feel less alone, less of an outsider. I know that I am different from my friends and colleagues now. While many of my friends were making critical remarks of Anna Nicole Smith, I tried to expain, you don't get it, you just don't get it. If they had any idea the intense pain that this woman felt in the last 5 months, they would never ever say such critical things. For whatever Anna Nicole Smith did wrong in her life, she paid for it ten times over with the grieving from the loss of her son. You guys understand that, many others don't. That's what makes us a unique people. I hope that all have a peaceful weekend and find something to hold to for comfort. Peace and blessings. Jackie

[intlgirl]

Dear Janice (I think that's your name?),

Thanks for this:

Last night was the first 'family gathering' without my mother being there with us. ...It was so sad to see my father watch the Bride and Groom dancing. ...all of the other couples were much older then him and in there 70's.... My dad is only 60 and my mum was only 53....

In honesty I had time to mourn for her during her illness but it's the 'void' now that leaves me looking for answers. The emptiness of not hearing her voice, watching her walk down my driveway or just calling her for the sake of talking is killing me....

I read this post like I was reading my own story! My mom, Carol, died on September 14 after 11 months with pancreatic cancer. Like you, I had almost a year to speak and show my love for her. She was 55 when she died, and my dad is now 58. We all attended a family wedding in December. I think Dad had an okay time, but my worry for him and what I fear is his loneliness is what makes me cry - not my own missing mom, although I miss her in the ways you have described, too. I can relate to the "void" and "emptiness" thing. It's weird - I don't feel "SAD" so much as I feel some sort of absence.

I have a question for the women - my dad and my brother have very good memories of Mom in her healthy days. They've also dreamed of her in this state. I can't seem to shake images of her while she was sick in those very last days - not conscious, so thin and frail. I've been trying to let the "process" work itself out within me, not avoiding those difficult images, but why do they remember her so differently? Another female friend who lost her mother a couple of years ago suggested that this is a gendered experience... anyone else?

Thank you all, and I am so, so sorry that we have all joined this club.

Jennifer

[novangel]

New here, unfortunately.

Lost my mom (who was also my best friend) Friday Feb 2nd 2007. The pain is still new, and very raw. I never thought she would leave me until she was old, she was only 64. I have never felt so lost and scared in my entire life...and I have been through a lot, but nothing like this.

I am haunted by the memories of that day last week. I saw things that I can't get out of my mind.

I also lost my favorite Grandma (her mother) back in May. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, -G.

[mofirefly]

Novanger - My heart goes out to you being so new to this unthinkable thing that has happened to you. I would venture to say you are probably in shock, and may be so for awhile to come. There is nothing to compare to losing a mom. As for the hanting memories - if at all possible, each time one comes on, try to refocus on a pleasant memory. Having lost two important women in your life so closely together is going to present a very long journey. At least you have found a place here where you can put down your thoughts as that seemed to help me and others. For now, just breathing will probably be difficult, your feelings of being lost and scared are very real and can make doing anything that was once easy now be extremely difficult. Hopefully it will become easier with time, but please allow yourself to take as much time as You need, don't let others tell you how you should or should not be feeling, and visit here anytime 24/7 as there are a lot of us out here who will try to help you shoulder the burder you are carrying. TAKE CARE!

[mofirefly]

Novangel - Soooo sorry I mistyped you name, but maybe the typo was also a way of saying anger is also one of the nasty emotions you may experience.

[janiceaden]

To dearest Novangel.... Grief is such a horrible emotion, it not only spirals us into a deep depression but it just seems too open a Pandoora's box of mixed emotions like Mofirefly explained. I like you feel my mothers loss daily, and on some days hourly.... Yesterday I had a party for my 4 yr old and I tell you I just wanted to drop everything and cry. In honesty I did... I wwent outside and found some solace in releasing some tears for my late mother.... I was so overwhelmed with all the catering and organising that I was angry with God for taking my mum...... However this morning I am feeling a little better. It's been almost 3 mths for me and yet the pain remains the same.... The best rememdy is talking out loud to her and now and then relaesing your tears. It's been a hurtful year for you and I only hope you find structure in your days to keep going... I find it cathartic in 'looking forward' for little things like the sunset or watching mother Earth unleash her beauty to keep me going. The only person that feels my pain as we are all individual... Keep her spirit alive, talk about her, watch her favourite movies and rejoice that she lives in you.... I lost my mother to cancer and the last few weeks on this Earth were the worst for her.. I don't think about that much anymore but remember her as my mother who gave me life and taught me to love me...... Please reply we are here for you xxoo

[novangel]

Thank you for the nice responses.

My mother also battled with cancer for over 10 years, but it was not the cancer that took her, it was complications from a recent major surgery. She was getting better everyday and then...well. We were supposed to go get pedicures together just this past Thursday. How awful this feeling is, so helpless. All of my childhood fears that she took away have now returned, I absolutly loathe night time and dark rooms. I get so scared just like a little kid again.

I too have a 4 year old child that keeps me somewhat going but there are some day's I just don't want to deal with anything, or talk to anyone. I just want so badly to talk to my mom. This is almost an unbearable void, she was the one person that loved me no matter what, and truly cared for me. We talked everyday, spent quality time together, and I just can't believe she's gone.

Thanks for listening. -G.

[tfeenlea]

novangel - G - I felt like I was reading my own note when I saw yours (about the void, how she loved you no matter what...). Lost my mom at 58. Driving home from work today I am screaming Why, Why, Why in my car. I still can't believe it and it will be two months tomorrow. Two months ago tonight - on Dec 12 evening I had talked to my mom on the phone said good night as she was eating dinner and I was going to a nail appointment. Next morning, she didn't show up at my house (to get my kids off to school) and I went over there and she had died during the night (blood clot to lungs). I still can't believe it - I really can't - it's like there is this big black hole next to me - just the absence of everything. I have two little ones 9 and about to be 7 - they keep me going. I just bought Motherless Daughters I'll let you know how it is. My husband's grandmother is now dying of pancreatic cancer so my kids will have lost their one grandfather (husbands dad) in 2005, my mom their grandmother in 2006, and likely their great grandmother in 2007. They are always asking about ages, and how old they will be when I turn 58. I am scared to be this lonely the rest of my life without my mom.

[janiceaden]

My dear Friends,

The biggest loss now without our mothers is the void we face. The absence of our mothers is unbearable right now and also somewhat 'sickening', they groomed us to me the people we are, let's honour them and share our lives with them by our side. Today I took my children out for lunch like my mother and I did. I was very lonely and sad but also appreciative of what I have. I find solace in being alone in my thoughts. My sister gave me a photo this weekend of my mum holding my daughter. At the time she was very ill and struggled to hold her but it's aazing how beautiful and radiant she looks in this photo..... I see her in my dreams and she always looks beautiful. Let's remember the good days and feel the presence of our mothers during our time of grief..... My Heartfelt sympathy too all, it's gut wrenching that our mothers have moved on but we must continue to sail this up stream battle we call life.......

Don't be scared, close your eye's and feel her caressing your hair and loving you from afar! Now words can mend a broken Heart but time will somewhat soften the fall.......... It's a struggle I know with 2 little children and in the midst of building and getting on with life but be proud and brave... We'll get there!!

[libra1]

Dear Jennifer; I'm not sure whether remembering your mom in that way is a gender thing, but let me assure you your not the only one. I did not see my mom die , she was alone, and died suddenly , but the picture that I cannot shake from my head is the one of her dead body lying in the funeral home. I felt so very helpless. She looked beautiful, the funeral people had put a little make-up on her. I just felt that moment was so final for me. I felt, and still feel guilty to this day. There was absolutly nothing I could do to save her. I think you may be going through the same emotions of helplessnes, and guilt(even though it was not your fault). Many have told me that eventually I will think of the good memories. I will remember her as a live person, who doted on me. It takes a while to get past the first hurdle though. My dad still remembers his last day, and wishes he knew she was having a heart attack. My brother has moved on the quickest. So as for yourself and I, we just have to wait and have faith that the good memories will take over.

[asheepoo21]

hey guys. I haven't been on here in quite some time, probably close to 8 months or so, but I would like to start staying on here more again because it really does help to get feedback from all of you. For those of you who don't remember me or have never heard my story.. here it is.

I am a 17 year old high school senior and in those 17 years I have experienced the loss of my..

*grandma-age 48 (moms mom; I was 7; I found her dead of a massive heart attack)

*my great grandma- age 67 (moms moms mom; I was 14)

{3 days later}

*my uncle- age 37; (my moms only sibling; we were very close)

{6 months later}

*my mom- age 34 (I was still 14; died of congestive heart and kidney failure in my arms)

{2 months later}

*my dad- age 46 (of a heart disease that he didn't know he had)

And although this is all of my immediate family, one person has been the hardest to lose and that is my mom. My mother and I were quite a pair, God meant for the two of us to be put together.. We always had so much fun together, looked just alike, my friends called my mom a "cool" mom, we were basically BEST FRINEDS. We could tell eachother anything; it was amazing.

Now it has been almost 3 years (in march) and it still seems like yesterday, although theses days are flying by. I graduate from high school in about 3 months and to think that my best friend won't be there just kills me. It's been a very hard road and i've told myself that it will all be okay because I have so many people that are around me to make it better and help me through, but now I see that it's just not enough.

I go to a catholic school and I take theology class everyday but it's a waste of my time.. at first when she passed away I thought that my strong faith would be an asset to getting me through, but for the past 2 years as I realized that I was really without my mom, I have lost all faith, I cant even get myself to believe that there is a god anymore, and that sounds so bad, but its the honest truth and I hate it. I pray everyday, go to church every sunday, but nothing works.

I just really don't know what to do and I know I can't give up, it's the last thing my family would want me to do, and the last thing I want to do to myself because although this has been hard, it has made me set my goals high and i really do want to reach them. I dream of being an orthopaedic surgeon in the future and I start college in the fall to go out and pursue my dream, but I need more strength to get me through.

Thank you all so much

((the grieving 17 year old))

[libra1]

To dearest Ashhepo21. After reading your post,my jaw just dropped. The people so close to you in your life died so very very young. YOu yourself are so young. I have nothing but admiration for you, for continuing with your life, and setting goals for the future. You are an inspiration to all of us on this site. I'm not sure which mentors you have in your life to keep you going, but tell them how you feel, you're only human. what you've had to endure at such a young age, others don't see in a lifetime. I think you haven't had time to go through the full grieving cycle. I see a grivance counseller, and it helps. I strongly suggest this to you. This will help sort out your feelings. You are so very brave, and I believe you will make your goals. Keep in touch with us on this site. I've been on here for a few months. Take care!

[novangel]

I woke up this morning and the reality hit hard once again that my mother is gone. I love going to sleep because it actually gives me a few hours of peace rather than constantly pondering about her. Only problem is waking up is like getting hit with a hammer, and the grief sets in once again.

I find myself crying a little less the past few day's but now becoming angry at people that still have their moms, or bitter that there are horrible people in this world, but my mother, who was a wonderful and caring person, is taken from me. I'm also furious with cancer.

I still open her e-mail's as if they were new, hold and smell her clothes, and look through her personal item's as if I'm looking for answers, or some sort of communication with her. She has a little bag with all of these good luck charms, angels, and healing stones...I had no idea how scared she actually was. I was in denial about her condition for many years.

I now fully understand why she did all of the things she did for us in the past few years. So many things make sense about her now. I just miss her horribly.

I hope and pray that after we die there is something else, somewhere beautiful, and you get to be a child again in your mothers arms. I would hate to think that she suffered all of these years for nothing....and that I will never see her again.

Thanks for reading. -G.

[intlgirl]

Dear friends,

Thanks, Libra, for your kind words. I'm sorry you also are haunted by these images, but it helps to know that I'm not alone! Yes, the helplessness I felt as she was dying was terrible. Sometimes, I would feel angry with her because she couldn't (or wouldn't) receive my help - I know, it's irrational, but so is grief, right?

Asheepoo, it sounds like your mom was indeed a cool mom - so was mine. As for the help we're supposed to find in religion and theology... What you write doesn't sound bad, it sounds real. I'm actually an ordained minister, and sometimes I wonder what kind of God would allow a mom like mine to die so young (she was 55, I am about to turn 35)? I don't know any human being who wouldn't experience a faith crisis after what you've gone through - not to mention the fact that it's natural to question faith in young adulthood! Right now, I'm kind of counting on my church community to believe "for" me... 'cause I'm having a little trouble.

Novangel, I totally get that feeling... angry at friends who still have their moms. And the converse, finding new friendships with other women who've lost their moms. I even found a meetup in my town of "motherless daughters," who get together for social events - a group to have fun with, but who also "get it." You might check on meetup.com to see if there's a group near you?

Thanks everyone - for getting it. Jennifer

[lulabell]

Boy reading these new messages just makes you wonder - I gave up on God a long time ago so I wonder even more! Someone wrote about the loneliness of spending the rest of your life without your mum. This is something that is now starting to eat away at me. Being 36 when my mum died suddenly aged 61 on Dec 27th means that it is a very real possibility that I will live longer without my mother than with her - what a terrifying prospect. I still have moments when I just cannot believe she is gone and never coming back.

Just visited my brothers and sisters lately and they all seem to be coping very well - they all have children, I don't and now I feel like there will be no point in having children because my mum won't be around to see them. Indeed it feels like there is little point to lots of things since my mum died, I just seem to be running on autopilot - its odd but many of the things I have done with my life I think deep down I did them for my mother - to make her feel proud and happy that my life was going well and now....

It's strange but its now just over 7 weeks since my mum died and it seems that I am the only one who wants to keep talking about her over and over again. I just cannot move on and begin to get things into perspective - my mum and the fact that I cannot see her again is on my mind 24/7. I really wish I were as brave as some of you on this site!

Take care everyone

Lucie