Loss of a Mother

[libra1]

Dear Tracey, I am v.sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother v.suddenly. She died of a massive heart attack. Worst of all we know she died alone. My dad was out. I wander day after day whether she suffered. whether she screamed out for my dad or not. It's a terrible thought that repeats in my mind. I will never know. It's been 9 months for me, and the pain is still fresh. Most people who have gone thru this tell me that the pain does not go away, just gets easir to bear. I'm still waiting for this to happen. Keep in touch. I too lost my mom at 39. Do not be afraid to grieve, and let your emotions out to whoever you can reach to. Don't botlle it up. We will respond to you.

[janiceaden]

Yesterday my sister in law called me to tell me how she felt about her mother's busy lifestyle. My inlaws own a farm and travel to Melbourne once a week. Her ordeal is that her mum is too busy to do the 'normal' mother and daughter thing. I just felt like I was slapped in the face, I don't understand how people can be so insensitive. I have just lost my mother to cancer, I am 28 years old with two babies and a hectic life and she rang to complain about how busy her mother is... At least she's alive and healthy. My mum would have given her life to be able to hold and love my children again..... Her husband is someone I don't like for many reasons also, he felt compelled to tell me ( on xmas eve) about how ill his grandmother is (If she was sick she wouldn't be doing all the travelling she does!!!).... How rude of these people to impose these silly and stupid things onto me... MY MOTHER IS DEAD, I DON'T NEED PEOPLE TOO BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN, I AM IN MOURNING! WHY DON'T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT I LOST MY SOUL MATE!! MEANWHILE THEY ARE IN THERE 30'S ALSO........ IN HONESTY I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEY FEEL THE PAIN I AM FEELING SO THEY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I AM HURTING....

[mofirefly]

Janiceaden - I can feel your anger and pain jumping off the message board. It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtless others can be. I understand how you want them to experience this pain you have themselves, but unfortunately, I don't think everyone experiences it. Those of us who have come to this site had a very close bond with our loved ones and I am beginning to become aware that others don't have a clue of what it feels like to have that wonderful connection to someone else, let alone how it feels to have it ripped away from you. I actually feel sorry for them as they have missed the wonderful joy of loving someone so much as those of us here have. My inlaws have said thoughtless things around me, but mostly they don't even say anything at all about my mom, and that has shown me why my husband is having so much trouble understanding what I'm dealing with..as he's been raised by a family that will probably never experience this type of pain. I do hope you are feeling somewhat better after venting some here. Please take care.

[tfeenlea]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I went back to work today. The ride in and home was hard - nobody to call on my cell phone to tell about my day or see what the kids ate for snack or something. I can relate to everything you all are writing about. I just had another crying fit as I thought about how my mom loved me for me even when I didn't love me. There is nobody out there who can be this way ever. I love my husband, he is wonderful but it is not the same. Do you all also have to try to deal in your head with the regrets or imperfections of how you interacted with your mom's? I feel I am only focusing on the things I didn't do right or nice and how I should have been nicer at those times. I am having a hard time remembering the good and only thinking about what I could have done better. Is this normal?

[mofirefly]

Tracy - I think just about everyone has difficulty when they start focusing on the things they regret having done. Perhaps each time you find yourself thinking in those lines, you could try to focus on the good things that have happened. You asked "Is this normal?" Lately I've wished that word had never been used because what is normal for one is totally not normal for another! So just allow yourself to deal with your emotions in your own way...it's going to be a bumpy ride. Take Care!

[libra1]

I agree, a bumpy ride it will be. take it one day at a time. Your thoughts will travel in all kinds of crazy directions for a while. As for Jancice, I can so relate to how you feel. My in-laws were over on New Year's Day, and my father-in-law went on about how he belives he can easily have another open heart surgery,he's 72 and has already had two..he's also diabetic. He went on about how the dr told him his heart was good for another few years. This was killing me , my mom had v. little warning. The dr didn't put her through any tests, and she's dead..she had a massive heart attack. Why didn't she get the chance to have even one surgery done. I felt that my father-in-law was boasting about his health. I just don't get it. he never asks how my dad is, or even mentions my mom. a lot of people make me angry like this. I think we're just v. vunerable right now, and v. angry....it's okay..I'm with you on this one.

[trishd]

Well today is my mother's 68th birthday, how I wish I could pick up the phone and call her. She passed away from a massive stroke this last May. Still can't believe she's gone and still not dealing with it very good, I never thought something could hurt so bad. I work in the medical field and always thought I would be the strongest out of my sisters when the day came that we lost mom or dad, guess I'm only putting on a good front...... Thanks for listening and mom Happy Birthday, I miss and love you so Much......

[janiceaden]

Greetings to all,

Where do I begin? Thank you too all who responded to my post. I feel validated that my feelings and emotions are being shared and embraced. I can only say that someday's are worst then others. I keep myself busy with my children and with 'happy' thoughts of my mother. Nothing however will ever bring back my mother but happy memories and thoughts. Well I'm keeping this short and sweet for the time being as we're experiencing a heat wave in Melbourne and I am literally gasping for air so once again thank you my friends for your blessings. Cheers Janice

[dearjeff]

This was the hardest Christmas in my life. I lost my Mom on November 13th, and I am not sure this pain is going to leave. My wife and I are having our first child in February, and she will never get to see her grandmother. I have been a wreck privately because I don't want to ruin this wonderful time for my wife....there is such a huge hole in my heart. I'm having a hard time at work too because that is when I am alone the most, and I cry a lot. I know this is not new to anyone here...but the hurt can be so deep, it's sometimes hard to bare. I miss my mom so much.

[mofirefly]

Dearjeff - It is so brave of you to try to keep your feelings private so as not to hurt your wife...but I'm sure it is very hard. At least at this site you're allowed to share anything you want and it is private...and sometimes simply sharing the pain can at times help you deal with it. I'm glad you are allowing yourself to cry (so many men don't) as tears do seem to clease out some of the anguish inside of us. I remember taking my son (as an infant) to the cemetary where my grandfather was laid and when I put my son down, he got the sweetest smile and even laughed. I remember thinking that my grandfather had been with my son in spirit. Just sharing that in the hopes that it can let you know that your mom will always be with you in spirit. If possible, please keep in touch, first to share your heartache and second to let us know when the new little one arrives. Take Care!

[janiceaden]

Dear Jeff,

Your post put tears in my eye's. I lost my mother a week after you so I too can relate to your loss and pain. I also don't cry in front of my spouse, I rather 'cry' in private time. Sometimes I can't keep it in but that's ok, if we didn't mourn for our mothers then we would be truly made out of stone. I had my daughter on the 7th of December (2005)and understand how hard it is not having your mother present for this joyeous event. Three years earlier when I birthed my son I remember how comforted I felt seeing my mum there and how thrilled she was too meet my son, her first grandchild. Unfortunality due to cancer my mother was not there for the birth of my daughter. The worst feeling I got was when my husband called my mum and told her that our baby had been born and she cried b/c she couldn't be there. This hurt be so bad that I actually felt so 'alone' after having my daughter. Here I sit crying writing this post b/c your pain is so close to my Heart. My mother told me that my baby was born in the wrong year and sometimes I wish I had her a year earlier when my mum was well. Life is so unkind sometimes, I only hope you see your mothers spirit burn in the life of your newborn. It hurts Jeff but put all your strength and energy into that baby and not dwell on what could of been. Please keep us posted as we know your pain.

The hardest thing for me is pushing my baby around the stores and not having my mother there with me. I just thank God that I am blessed with 2 healthy babies and a loving spouse. Let's dust off the negativity and look towards the birth of your baby. Be there for your wife, God knows she needs you, and be the mother/father to your baby.... Take Care Friend xx Janice xx

[janiceaden]

To Trishd,

I was told on my mother's death bed that her death is also her 'birth'day. This comforts me as I like to think that when she passed over she was greeted by all those loving people whom where waiting for her to embrace and hold for an eternity. I am yet to celebrate my mum's birthday since her death but I am sure that this will be a tough day for me. My thoughts and sentiments too you.

[Guest Guest]

heyy [=.. my mom died too. the annerversary just passed, december 21. i wish so much i could talk to her again too. ive tried so hard to be stronger than my dad and sister. and i have on the outside. but on the inside im so sad. and i miss my mom so much. it hurts sooooo badd ]= .. well anyway .. i hope ur feeling better!

[Guest Guest]

Yesterday my sister in law called me to tell me how she felt about her mother's busy lifestyle. My inlaws own a farm and travel to Melbourne once a week. Her ordeal is that her mum is too busy to do the 'normal' mother and daughter thing. I just felt like I was slapped in the face, I don't understand how people can be so insensitive. I have just lost my mother to cancer, I am 28 years old with two babies and a hectic life and she rang to complain about how busy her mother is... At least she's alive and healthy. My mum would have given her life to be able to hold and love my children again..... Her husband is someone I don't like for many reasons also, he felt compelled to tell me ( on xmas eve) about how ill his grandmother is (If she was sick she wouldn't be doing all the travelling she does!!!).... How rude of these people to impose these silly and stupid things onto me... MY MOTHER IS DEAD, I DON'T NEED PEOPLE TOO BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN, I AM IN MOURNING! WHY DON'T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT I LOST MY SOUL MATE!! MEANWHILE THEY ARE IN THERE 30'S ALSO........ IN HONESTY I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEY FEEL THE PAIN I AM FEELING SO THEY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I AM HURTING....

omg i hate when people do that. its sooooo annoying and rude. my friends do it sometimes and i feel the exact same way you do. im like wtf? my mom died. ur s didnt. you should be happy you even have a mom. i get soooo mad wen people complain about their moms like that.. feel betterr!

[janiceaden]

Hi Guest,

I've gone from tears to laughter on this forum today. Your post was funny, I like the 'wtf' comment... For those who don't know what 'wtf' stands for it is an abbreviation for 'What The F***"... haha....

Thank you for your acknowledgement... One day in time these people will loose they're mothers and then they will know how we feel.... Can people just respect that a mother's loss is more severe when losing a Kidney! A mother is the nucleous of our souls, we are only given one pair of parents and a mother is the passage to life in my eye's... Just think that they carried us all in there wombs for 9 mths, prepared our Nurseries, gave us bread and milk, kissed our grazed knees and felt our pain just as much as we did.

My only wish is that I become the women by mother was. I've been told I sound and look like her. As a child she was my idol, she was the most beautiful women in the World.... Even on her death bed her eye's carried me through, they spoke in volumes as she lost the ability to speak in her frail state....... One women in every 10 hrs dies of Ovarian cancer here in Australia... Just think the ovaries that made me and my siblings took her life away! Damn Cancer!

[xjazzk]

Thats bad... Im sorry guest. I hate when people talk about their moms to. Well atleast you dont always get "your mom" that stupid thing i hate now. Like when you say something someone says "your mom did" ro what ever. I hate it people just forget these things like its no big deal. Maybe no to them but it really hurts. I didnt mind when my mom was alive but now it hurts. I slap people who say that. Even friends I get mad at. Its not fair for people like us. I dont think people realize how damn grateful they are to have a mom. I wish I was more myself, I just didnt expect it. I would have if I had known. Atleast I dont have a quilty concencse because when she left my house that night atleast I said "I love you bye" And now to my dad I always say it. You can never expect anything I guess. Thats why I always say it. I know my mom wasnt happy and shes tried to kill herself before. but It just never crossed my mind it would work.

ughhhhh *sigh*

jasmine

[janiceaden]

Darling Jasmine and friends,

Isn't it amazing how through all this difficulty of trying too overcome this trauma how we always look at how we should of done things 'differently'. I never kissed my mum hello or good bye, I had this "oohh yuck mum, don't kiss me" attitude. Being married to an Italian where it is custom too kiss everybody you meet Hello makes me realise that a simple kiss was worth more then money or Gold itself to her. I some what wish now I did kiss her hello and good bye. It was only during her fight with her cancer when I would sit with her, kiss her forehead, tell her how much I loved her and how I wish she wouldn't suffer any more.

As they say 'expect the unexpected' from life. I never thought that my mum's cancer would become her demise. She had chemotherapy and radiation treatment to help 'cure' her from this disease. In honesty I thought she would pull through all this and live to tell the tale. Now I am left standing alone, I often think about how much she suffered, how she couldn't eat, how fragile she became and how much she wanted to leave this World and 'go home'.

Our lives are like books, each with chapters and torn out pages. I can only hope that we can see the light one day and be able to laugh and smile without putting on a false exterior. My Blessings to all.... xx

[belindacharlette]

I lost my mom 9 years ago and am currently trying to help a friend through the process of losing his mother. His mother is still alive but in pallative dying of cancer. My friend is only 22. He spends all of his time with her, which is where I want him to be, but every now and again I'll get a comment from someone telling me I should be there with him even though he has requested his space. Do I go with my gut which tells me I should leave him alone or do I go and sit outside the room? Anyone have any ideas for me? I care about him deeply and hate to see him in the pain he's in; however I know it is also very necessary.

[janiceaden]

Dearest belindacharlette,

My mother was in palliative care for about 6 wks prior to her death. My brother would call me daily and urge me to spend time with her. As I have two small children and lived a fair distance from the Hospital I was unable to do so on a daily basis, with no regrets however. When ever I went into the Hospital my mother would urge me to go back home to beat the 5 o'clock traffic. She was always thoughtful like that...

If you feel a need to be with his mother then I suggest go. But if he wants to be alone (as I did) then allow him to be with her. I started my grieving process whilst my mum was in Hospital which is probably what he is doing. I only hope that his mother is able to voice her concerns and her needs are being met. My father and brother would rotate sleeps with my mum as requested by her. Let him spend as much time there as needed, the Nurses and other members of families going through all this will help 'normalise' the way he is feeling. I might suggest you have meals prepared for him occassionally as this helps. My thoughts are with you during this unfortunate time.

[xjazzk]

Dear Belindacharlette

If it was me in your place I would see him. Although you may not notice it. I did. Friends make it alot easier. Well atleats for me it did. They cried with me and even without me. One of my most awesomest friends even came over and she started crying to. If my friends werent there im afraid i may have done something I know I would have regret. I dont have children a husband or anything but if you do find enough time to visit him and/or his mother. Help him for he is in desperate need

i shall think of you and your friend

jasmine

[janiceaden]

It's Saturday morning and today I am feeling a little low in spirit. It's going to take me awhile to get use to not seeing my mother with my dad anymore. Often they would visit on the weekend after visiting a market or 'swap meet', my mother would always have something for me or my son. It hurts now because she's no longer here to witness all that is happening in my life. She's not here to see the new picture I bought or my daughters new tooth. This is a harsh reality, this World is so cruel. Why did that cancer have to spread throughout her body?, she was such a hard working women who gave us the World. Sorry mum for your pain, I hope your looking down on us. I need your strength and courage. Bless you all xx

[michellemarie]

The past couple of days have been hard. I keep thinking of my mom and her last week.I felt so out of control that day as I could do to stop the process. I just sat with her and cried. But I got the feeling she was not there anymore. So when I left for a bit I told her I would be right back. When I went by the nursing desk I told them that knowing my mom she would pass after I left as she would not want an audience. And she did just that.

I took care of all the arrangements and we talked about her passing. She asked me when was her mom coming to get her. If she was dying. She even saw her mom,dad,and sister.We talked about that too. My mom was my life and I know she is still with me. I sense her almost daily. She promised to haunt me if she could and she is; which I love.

To jazz, I admire you so much for your wisdom at such a young age.Your mom taught you that lesson- to be strong in adversity,to help all uf us who are on the same journey as you.You are gonna be just fine in life. Maybe you might want to be a counselor. Bless you kiddo

[vickisdaughter]

I made it through the holidays ok..still a missing part of my life. But tonight for some reason I just cant quit crying. My brother who is 8 years younger than me is in the military. He came home for a week & we never went to moms grave. We have grown further apart since her death until last week I hadnt talked to him since March! The difference in us is with mom I have NO regrets I was there everyday to watch her drift away. He couldnt handle it & now I think his guilt gets the best of him. I dont know what to say? I have hard feelings as well for leaving it all to me...what do I do? I thank god Ive got him..but just so mad that shes gone. My baby is due now in 7 weeks and to do that without her is crushing me. Thanks for listening didnt have anyone else to turn to.

[mofirefly]

Vickisdaughter - Just my thoughts, but perhaps you could somehow let your brother know that he shouldn't feel any guilt about the past events...if you could do that it might make you feel better with him leaving and all...as for having hard feelings, it's quite common to be angry at others but all I've read about anger one thing stands out...being angry at someone is like drinking poison and waiting for it to hurt them...which I guess means anger only hurts the one who is angry. Having a baby without your mom is heartbreaking...but I'm sure your doctors have informed you that stress is harmful to you and the baby - funny thing is they don't tell you how to get rid of the stress. Unfortunately for those of us here, we will be missing a very important part of our lives forever...but it does get somewhat more bearable. Keep focused as much as possible on the good around you and may God give you comfort as you travel this very difficult road. Take Care.

[janiceaden]

Hello all,

The loss of a mother leaves us all with a hole in our Hearts. For some of us we lost our mothers to incurable disease, others in fatal accidents and suicide but the key factor here is that regardless of the event of the death, a mother is priceless and her loss inmeasurable. To Vickisdaughter, I had my baby during the worst year ever, my mother was bed ridden and unable to visit me in Hospital (This caused me more pain then the labour itself), this was very much Heartbreaking. In honesty, I felt very much wounded by her absence but managed to 'survive' and with the comfort of family and friends moved on as such. I am hoping for another pregnancy and the thought of her now gone is very daunting. I don't have any answers for you but just to mainly focus on bringing a new life into the World. As one is taken, another is created.... Keep us posted...

Guilt is a feeling that burdens everybody. It is only human nature to feel such emotions. It's just when the guilt succeeds in ruining ones life that it becomes monstrous. People who are guilt ridden often mask there emotions with the easiest way of self medication... Alcohol and Drugs... There is no manual for the way we grieve (Perhaps Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages of Grief?), it's the realisation that death is the ultimate 'good bye' that we fret and we think about the things we should of done and we look at forgiveness. Anyhow, the list of emotions one feels after a death is a process of healing.

Michellemarie my mother also saw passed family and friends whilst she lay dying. The thought that she was being greeted on the other side gives me reassurrance that my mother is in a better place. She also passed with a smile, a rarity as she stopped smiling months pending her death. I hope that each of you are able to close your eyes and see your mothers warm smiles looking down on you. We may not feel them around us but they are in God's hands now, just think we're all going to end up there....

[mofirefly]

I came across a website that I want to share with everyone - when you get a chance check this out

www.theinterviewwithgod.com

It brought me a great deal of comfort and now I try to watch it at least once a day. May you all be taking things one breathe at a time. Take Care.

[xjazzk]

Hey peoples. The other day when i wa listening to my ipod, I came across this really sad song. I layed on my bed thinking about all those funny, touching memories with my mom. And then it hit me like a brick wall. I would never be able to have those again. Id never see or hear her laugh, smile, tell me something. It hurts so bad

what to do.. what to do?

jasmine

[janiceaden]

Hi Jasmine

I always feel like that, I remember the trips to the shopping centres, the time spent talking on the phone, her home made roasts and cheese cakes..... and then it hits you..... There will never be the birthday card, the compliments of a mother, her scent, her presence.... The more I dwell on this the more I become angry with the World.... I don't want to harbour these emotions, I want to live and breathe and be there for my family... I try to limit my negative thoughts to perhaps once a day, I have changed my chain of thought so that my mother is included in the way I think... Yesterday my husband anf I went sightseeing and we got lost, would you believe the park we were looking for was just around the corner... I truly felt like my mother put us on the right track.... She was there with me yesterday...... I hope you can feel the same way too.... Invest some more time with your thoughts, you have many more memories too create.... In my thoughts Janice xx

[belindacharlette]

I appreciate the responses back to my question however I'm just wondering if I should be there because he has a lot of supportive family around and I sense that he pushes those closest to him away as i do in hard times. When I called him he told me he couldn't give me just 5 minutes he needed to give me 5 hours because he really cares about me. I almost feel like i should leave him alone until he phones me and I told him as much, was that right?

[janiceaden]

Hello belindacharlette,

Glad your back and reading our posts. In times of grief we do tend to want to be left alone, this enables us to prepare for the inevitable road ahead... I can be surrounded my family and friends and yet feel so 'alone' and isolated with my thoughts. He is a very young man facing the death of his mother, as Sigmund Freud proposes "His first love". Our mothers are our 'first love' so to speak and so at 22 his facing a very long journey without her. If he really cares for you then listen to his words, his talking from the Heart, he is looking for an empathatic ear to listen to him. I believe he has this connection to you b/c you have also lost a mother and can help prepare him for his loss. As most of his peers may be supportive he needs a womens friendly ways to see him out of the storm. If this means holding his hands, preparing his meals, feeding his pets etc just do it. His frame of mind is upside down now so he needs that reassures that there will be light at the end of the rainbow. Be his rainbow, show him that your friendship is more then that pot of gold. My sincere thoughts are with you and him. xx

[eulaha]

Xjazzk,

I know just how you feel!

I had a picture of my mom on my corkboard, that everytime I looked at it, I cried and cried. Also, the song "True Colors" by Phil Collins reminds me so much of my mom. How giving and generous and kind she was. The song still brings tears to my eyes.

For me, it got easier as time went on. Oh I still get emotional when I see pictures of my beautiful mom, or when I hear that Phil Collins song. But it doesn't HURT as much-you know what I mean? The feeling is more NOSTALGIC than painful. I hope I'm making sense!

[xjazzk]

Pshht you make sense to me. I know what you mean. I still cry like everyday though. I try not to in school but its hard

[janiceaden]

Today was a little difficult for me. Everywhere I turned I saw mums with their daughters and grandchildren. I saw grandparents buying gifts for their grandchildren and daughters with their mums laughing and talking like the World is their oyster! I just wanted to leave my surroundings and not return, then that beautiful song came on "I ain't missing you at all, I keep lying to myself..." ... The truth is I am missing my mother more then words. I feel so alone as I live the furthest from my family and my husbands gone fishing and won't be home until late..... It's moments like these I wish I could runaway from the World.......

[swamplercollins]

My mother passed away unexpectedly 2 days before Thanksgiving. We had a volatile relationship for many years and were just starting to work on issues. When she died I felt an enormous wave of relief (which I later felt huge guilt for). I've " held it together" I guess so that I could get through it, but now It's all coming undone emotionally. I'm so glad there is a forum where we can share these difficult times. Thank You.

[swamplercollins]

My mother passed away unexpectedly 2 days before Thanksgiving. We had a volatile relationship for many years and were just starting to work on issues. When she died I felt an enormous wave of relief (which I later felt huge guilt for). I've " held it together" I guess so that I could get through it, but now It's all coming undone emotionally. I'm so glad there is a forum where we can share these difficult times. Thank You.

[libra1]

Dear swamplercollins, take some comfort in the fact that you got to make some amneds with your mom. If you hadn't,you would have felt worse. The first few months your emotions are going to be all over the place. Guilt is a big one. Eventually you will be at peace with the way you feel. As for Janice, you put my feelings of loss over my mom into words for me. My connection with my mom was way stronger than the one with my dad. You're so right. Our moms carried us for 9 months, we are bound to feel this way. I find that i am now getting to know my dad in a different way. Though i am far away, we phone each other every day. He really needs me, for he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about mom. I'm trying hard to concentrate on keeping his spirit alive..can't bear the thought of loosing him too. I feel your every pain. I still get angry when I seee a mother and daughter shopping together. All i can do is look at my mom's picture every day and talk to her. This is what our mother and daughter relationship has come down to...a picture...it really hurts.

[janiceaden]

Thank you Libra1 for your kind words. I think what eats me is how young she was, I just wish I had another 5 or 10 yrs with her. The difficulty is amongst our age group (12-45) is that most of our peers still have their mothers. It's difficult to digest that a disease took my mother away from us. She would of loved to watch her grandchildren grow and live life to it's fullest. The only connection I have is like you, that of a photo... 'The good old days' when waking up wasn't a burden, going out was joyeous and just dialing her number was a daily ritual. Tonight I will find it very hard, I work at a night market helping out my father in law and all I see are mums and daughters and it makes me sick. I am usually a very happy person but seeing this breaks me into two. Sometimes I wish that my mother was limbless or wheel chair bound BUT still alive... Even if she weighed 400 pounds and was living I wouldn't care..... I just realised that I will probably spend more of my lifetime alive without her then with her... I've survived 28 yrs of my existence with her but it haunts be to think that one day I will look back and realise that I have been motherless for more... Anyhow I wish everybody good health and a time for reflection... NOTHING WILL TAKE THE PLACE OF OUR MOTHERS BUT I LIKE TOO THINK THAT ONE DAY MY CHILDREN (FUTURE BABIES INCLUDED) WILL REPLICATE THE RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH MY MOTHER........... Take Care all xx

[libra1]

Again Janice you have put my very feelings into words. I too work at a market. I see moms and daugthers all the time. I try to pretend there not really there, but I have to serve them and force a smile on my face. I also thought about the other day , how many more years of life I would have to go through without my mom. I feel robbed of at least ten years. some of you on this site have been so unfairly robbed of more time... My mom had two knee replacement surgeries, without which she would've been in a wheelchair. She was far too proud to be confined to a wheelchair. I think your mom would've felt the same way. Well, its still not fair, I know. I have a daughter and I too wish that our relationship is even better than my mom and i...Sometimes I don't know which way to turn so I look up with my hands up in the air and ask her to give me a sign that she's there...so far there's been nothing...if only she could communicate with me. Sorry to sound a little crazy.

[janiceaden]

Hello Libra1

I think we tend to do a lot of 'pretending'.. I make myself busy to mask my pain. When I am out and about I just walk about head held high whilst inside I feel so lost and lonely. I have met a girl on the internet who has also buried her mother to Ovarian cancer, she is my age and her mum was 53 also... Ironically she lives in the next suburb and I feel that this is a 'sign' from our mothers to release our grief and communicate with one another, she is single and so I have this ideal to organise a date with my brother lol.

At the end of my mothers illness all I ever wanted was to see her happy again. We often tried helping her by rubbing her legs and trying to elevate them for her as being bed ridden for so long caused strain on her legs. I remember once my sister and I were at the Hospital and we told mum that we were going out for an hour to the shops and mum replied "Ohh I want too come with you".. I felt like a knife went into my Heart b/c I knew that she couldn't come as she was very very sick at that stage. Another memory I had was when I was looking through a catalouge with her and she spotted out a pink quilt, she said to me "When I go home thats what I am going to buy".... Once again I knew she wasn't 'coming home' but for a split second I felt like she was... I haven't cried for a while but today as I write this I am feeling teary eyed. Time might alter how we feel but it doesn't erase the pain in our Hearts...

As for signs... Yesterday night after I finished the market my sister in law and I were sitting down waiting for my father in law to pick us up, all of a sudden this white fluffy feather came out of nowhere and was headed in my direction. It was like it was aimed for me when it could of went another direction as the wind was strong last night.... I told my sister in law that this was a sign from my mum... She said that it was beautiful..... I often have things fall into my lap and I think this is mum helping me... Everything will be OK..... I know it will... WE ARE STRONGER NOW, WE HAVE SURVIVED THUS FAR, JUST IMAGINE HOW COURAGEOUS WE ARE AND HAVE BECOME, WE NOW PAIN AND SO WE LEARN TO APPRECIATE LIFE AND THE BLESSED FRIENDS AND FAMILY WE HAVE.... THIS IS A LEARNING TOOL, PERHAPS GOD HAD OTHER PLANS FOR OUR MOTHERS, PERHAPS OUR MOTHERS WERE NEEDED TO NURSE THE SICK AND BECOME THEIR ANGELS... I DON'T KNOW, BUT LETS DO THIS TOGETHER, IT'S NOT EASY BUT A BURDEN SHARED IS A BURDEN HALFED... MY THOUGHTS TOO YOU ALL xx ** IF THERE IS A UNIVERSE THERE MUST BE A HEAVEN **

[Guest Guest]

Hi I am new here,

However my mom passed away on Feb 7th 2004. I have had more losses in my family since the end of 2003 My sweet dog of 14 years in Dec 2003, my cat of 14 years Jan 2004 My mom Feb 2004 my special cat Poey of 14 years August 2005 (this has been the most difficult one to deal with of all) My uncle my mom's brother in Feb 2006.

So 2007 I haven't lost anyone yet. but with all these great losses so close together I hardly had time to grieve one before the next one happened. Time does heal a little but after all these events happened I have come away feeling very detached from everything and everyone around me now. It's like the most important people and pets were taken away from me how much worse could it get?

Losing my mother was the worse, we were close and I am an only child, she was my world and I truly felt I could not function without her in it. Having to go through the death of my cat Poey without her was the most difficult thing I think I will ever have to do.

I have just come away from all of this feeling kind blah things don't matter to me like they used. I don't know if this is normal or not. has anyone ever felt this way.

I have never had a problem with depression so I don't know if I am just depressed and don't know it.

thanks for listening

Lauren57

[libra1]

Hello Guest, you'v e obvoiusly been through alot in a short span of time. I lost my mom and Uncle within three months. It's so terribly hard. My mom too was the biggest loss of my life so far. i think you are going through a period of depression, which is very normal. It's called feeling numb!! It's hard to feel joy during this time....but it will pass, I assure you. YOu'll go back and forth for a while. Like you say, you just haven't had a chance to go through the grief cycle...best to just let it happen naturally. Keep in touch with us all. This is truly the best site to go on. Take care.

[xjazzk]

hello guest. Im sorry. When my mom died, my grandmother died one month after. But i just wanted to say this even if no one cares.

ok well yesterday my best friend asked me if i was alright. because i havent talked to her about my mom in a while. and she always knows when somethings wrong. And we just shared so many memories because she was close with my mom to. and i think the best friend is someone who will open the wound just to let you get it all out, then slowly close it so it will be healed properly. in my eyes thats a good description. because if you dont get all the tears and angry thoughts out then it will forever be held inside. Perfect example.. my brother. he doesnt really cry much from what i know. so one day he just flipped out because he just had every bad thought and emotion come out. which also happened to my dad who has had all this stress put on him. he was at work and he was hanging up the phone from a call and he said " somewhere between the reciever and the phone he lost it". he actually broke the phone in two pieces. which is a scary thought. so even if you vent with yourself alone its better than keeping it inside.

just a quick note

jasmine

[lollytw]

I haven't been on here in a while. But today I came on and read all your stories. You're such brave people. This is what courage means to me--to tell your story and send it out to others, while still feeling the pain you're going through. To all of you here, I just want to say thank you for sharing. We've all been through pretty much the same kind of grief, and that is such a healing thing--to know that others know what you're going through. That you share it here and comfort others to know they're not alone is the most wonderful quality human being have. I'm SO grateful for all of you. I pray that for each of you that you heal as much as a person can under the circumstances. Thanks so much. Lolly.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my mom on Jan. 10th 2007 at 5:28am. She was at my home in hospice care. She was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Dec. 03. She was 63 years old. I cared for her for 3 years. I was with her as she took her last breathe.

She is just so precious to me. I miss her. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life.

Dianna

[pinkcatval]

I am so sorry to here about your mom. I understand my mother passed away July 22, 2005 from cirrhosis of the liver she was in Hospice. I was 25 years old and she was 53. She drank my whole but she was all I had. It's been a year and a half and I still cry I miss her so much. I was the only one in the room with her when she passed away. That's all I can write because it hurts to much to think about.

[soulnik]

I am reading all your posts and I am overwhelmed. I need to hear/read someone who can relate. My friends are patient but they don't get it. So.... Thank you all for talking to openly about your mom's.

Have any of you heard of this song called "Raggedy Ann" by Mindy Smith? I don't know if it's legal to cut and past the lyric here but I'll just put the chorus:

I'm just a little girl

I'm Rageddy Ann

Making believe I'm happy, hey...Rageddy Ann

Falling apart at the seams...

She wrote it after her mom died. Listen to it if you can. It just FEELS like... I've been playing it on repeat cuz I'm feeling kinda raggedy and little girlish and missing my mom kinda fierce. This chic nails the sentiment.

[janiceaden]

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't replied in a while. Just moved house and had immense problems signing on... The last few days have been very hard for me as I face a New Year alone for the first time ever. As I was unpacking I found some photo's of my mother holding my son and smiling. I felt so sad to look at them as it's all a faded memory now. I am angry that my mother is not here but at peace that she is no longer in pain. This is so bittersweet it eats me up. I had a dream last night of my mother, she was with my baby niece and baby daughter smiling and laughing with them... I wish that this however wasn't a dream.. I don't know how I am going to cope when my sister has her baby. Going back to that Hospital is going to be a nightmare!! When my sister had her daughter last September (2005) my mother was there to hold her hand and bathe her and look after her. I guess this is where the big sis steps in... Ohhh How I long for my mother

[eulaha]

I didn't get to see my mother when she died. I wasn't even in the same state. She was in California, and I was in New York. I got a phone call from my brother. She had a sudden heart attack. I hate myself for not being there with her in her time of need. I love my mother dearly. I still speak of her in the present tense, because in my heart, she is still with me.

[lulabell]

Hi everyone,

After reading all your posts its comforting to know that there are others on this forum who agree that no experience ever can be as bad as losing your mum. My grief is still very fresh and raw and I am seriously doubting whether I will ever get over this. My mum was my soulmate and my rock and now I feel desperate without her. My mum died suddenly and inexplicably on 27th December 2006. She was all alone when she died and she was only 61! - my brother found her later that day! ( I wasn't there but should have been - long story!)

The coroner has ruled out heartattack, stroke and brain haemorragh so now we have to go to an inquest. This year had been a really hard one for my mum - in April she just buried my gran (her mum) was finding it hard to cope with retirement, she was worried about my sister who has lost loads of weight and looks anorexic, she was worried about my two brothers one of whom is alcoholic and of course she was worried about me who gave her loads of grief this year. I wonder if someone can die of stress?

At the moment I just can't get my thinking straight- I am also bothered about where she is now. I don't believe in God in a religious sense but I do think that the universe is built up out of energies and as proved by science energy cannot be destroyed it can only change its form. This makes me think her energy is there somewhere and I am wondering if it is wise to go to a medium to contact her as I just feel like I cannot cope without her.

I am the youngest of my brothers and sisters by the way and realise that I sound more like 16 than 36 but I can't help it!

Thanks for listening

Lucie

[diannadarlene]

Mom is on my mind all the time. I am so worried that I will forget details. She had been so sick and just couldn't get better. She was diagnosed with lymphoma in Dec. of 2003. She had lots of chemo, stem cell transplant, and radiation. She had 6 months of remission and then it came back. She was put in the hospital on Dec. 22nd. I took her home with hospice care on Jan. 2nd. She died on Jan. 10th. I was holding her hand.

She would have tried anything. She wanted to live so badly. I can't believe she is gone and remind myself all the time. It doesn't seem real. I guess it's the first stage of grief, denial.

Also, I am having a hard time completing any tasks. I feel so weighted and tired. I just want to curl up on the couch. I'm not going back to work until next week. I decided to take some time first. I feel as if I'm in a daze going through the motions. When does it get better? Does it get better?

I miss her. She was 63.