Loss of a Mother

[jazzikay]

I dont want to committ suicide anymore. I know my mom wouldnt want it seeing she committed suicide. If I could have anything like one wish It would be for me to be happy. Like if I couldnt revive the dead and go back in time. i just want to be hapy again more than everything else

[janiceaden]

Happiness once more......... In due time I hope we all find it.... Yesterday I celebrated the baptism of a good friend's son and generally I had a good time, however deep down I feel sorrow and loneliness that my mother is gone... When I feel like this I think about everybody worse off and my burden is lifted somewhat.... My friend's husband actually lost both parents to cancer and so they never had the opportunity to witness their Grandson's baptism... Therefore I am grateful I have a father,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but really missing my mum.

Jazzikay please speak to a school counsellor or teacher please. Are there any numbers you can call like a suicide line or KidsHelp? Just take care, don't forget we're here online for help.. Email me anytime xox

[slimoperasinger]

Hello, everyone. I am back and so glad to be online with you all again.

Jazzikay, I agree that there must be a suicide hotline that you can call, where you can be anonymous and just have someone to talk to. Also, if you can find a support group, I think that would be so comforting. It's good to talk to people face to face and meet others who are grieving or in turmoil too. I can't wait until next week when my mothers/daughters group from the local hospice starts.

Solemate, if you would like to email me, I would be happy to share my mom's online memorial site with you. It is beautiful and includes a short movie. Sadly, I don't think ANYONE visits it anymore.

Well, the first thing I did when I got home was visit my mom's room. It really is like a museum to me. I could still smell her lotion!! I was SO amazed when I saw all of her things still there in the same place, like nothing had changed. My son was with me me and we commented on many of the things we saw, like remember this and remember that. He is such a love; I don't know what I'd do without him here to help me in my loss. When I told me husband that I was sad to return home to our house, mom's empty room & having to deal with all of this again, he just acted indifferent. This just adds to my loneliness.

[jazzikay]

i already told you. Imnot goin to a phsycologist or anything. Im fine now. I just have a lot of problems in my life. I dont want to commit suicide anymore. I never said i did. I said I thought about it. Dont over react please. Im fine now. I had a little bit of a break down today

[janiceaden]

Jazzikay we hear you...... I hope your problems are short lived and you are at least feeling better, I had my breakdown last week. Mothers Day is fast approaching and so is my mum's b'day so I don't know how I will react then. In due time I hope things will get a little easier, we are only put on this Earth to multiply anyway according to Charles Darwin, however he forgot to mention that humans are emotional beings........

Anyway just briefly my friends mother gave me a huge tray of food she had left over at a party on the weekend, I exclaimed that it was too much and she said to me "Ohh darling we love you, take it and enjoy". Well I felt so overwhelmed with emotion, I really felt her maternal love which I miss from my mum.. Another friends mum gave me a huge kiss and told me she was sorry for my loss and I really felt her empathy, it's moments like this I'm glad to be alive..

[asheepoo21]

i had the first breakdown in a few months last night.. i have soo many things running through my head right now. today was my first day back from spring break and there are so many people that didnt come back from panama city florida senior spring break that have a lot of my friends very upset, there were a lot of people from local schools here in louisville that died at freaking 16-17-18 years of age, its stupid, WHY???

moms 3 years is on wednesday and that is all i can think about right now. i have so much school work to do and tests to study for and im going to miss school on wed. because i just cant do it, i cant, its horrible.

jasmine, im feeling you right now girl. i totally understand you.. ughhh the only thing that holds me back is the fact that i look into the future and see my family and friends here without me suffering just like I am, and i just cant see myself doing that to them, i would be a piece of **** to do that, i cant, i wont. I also think about my future and see how much potential that i have and what i can make of myself out of everything that has happened to me.

I feel so small but i see how much i have grown at times, but right now i feel like the world is on my shoulders.

i am headed off to college in the fall and i am going to get my own place, i am getting a ton of scholarship money for school.. about $8000 more than what i need and I just keep telling myself that i can push through this and that one day I will be exactly what I want to be and I will be happy that I have made myself strong and pushed myself to go on.

It hurts so bad, i feel like someone has stoned my heart and I cant take it. I literally think i am going to have a panic attack.

BLAHHHHHHH I feel so shitty right now its not even funny.

but never the less i have to go do homework, and here it is 10pm and i have about 2 more hours of it to go.

IT JUST NEVER STOPS, WHEN WILL IT STOP?!????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[slimoperasinger]

Hi. It just makes me so mad when people (who really do mean well) say to keep busy and act like everything is back to normal. Yesterday I heard from a relative who just was chit chatting and when I mentioned something about still seeing my mother\'s room the way it was, she said something about it being nice and then changed the subject. Then today I rec\'d an email from another relative who said, \" you should be strong and brave enough to face the reality that she\'s gone\". Grrr...., like it\'s not brave enough to feel your feelings about not having a mother anymore. (Of course, both of these relatives still have their moms).

Yesterday I was home alone and was calling out my mom\'s name in her room, as I\'ve heard others here share. It\'s the good thing I was alone. It really felt natural to me to keep on calling my mom and saying her name as I looked at her things, but if my husband was home, I know he would have thought I was really going crazy. Today my therapist said that it is entirely appropriate that I talk to my mother out loud. Today I still said hi to her out loud when I came home. Maybe people here will understand. It just makes me feel better to still communicate her name.

I am getting tons of her mail and came across some of her frozen food today. That was sad. I even accidentally thought of getting her favorite newspaper today when I was near the store. I hope that I never forget about things like this, and I don\'t care if people think I\'m not moving on. It keeps my mom close to me.

[janiceaden]

Today I met a lady I knew who told me even at 50 she's still running around mad with her children. I thought "Geez my mum was only 3 yrs older then you and she's 6 foot under!". It made me so sad to think how young our mothers were at their passing.... When my mum was 29 she was pregnant with my sister and now here I am almost 29 yrs of age and pregnant again.... I like to think I am living the life my mum did, however I am content in raising my children and not rushing off to work because in hindsight I know my children need me.. I spoke to a mother at Kindergarten today who told me her mother will look after her children when she gives birth, once again I thought 'Lucky you, I have no one but myself!"... I hate sounding really morbid but it hurts, it hurts more then anything! I can only hope life flies because I am just surviving........

cancer sucks

[jazzikay]

asheepoo you have no idea how much I am like you. Thats like the only reason I stop myself to. But my mom did it to. And I can see how much it hurts people so i wouldnt do it. I wanna have a good life. I wont as much as I couldve if my mom was here but I can sure trry

[Edmund]

hi slimo & others; i agree it's hard when people push you. mom's voice is on my v/m & someone said i should take it off already but i can't. & a neighbor said i should be well over my grief (mom died 8/22/06)by now but i still hurt so much inside & out because mom was my everything & now i'm so alone in the world. it takes as long as it takes & people should not try to get inside your process of grieving! God bless you all & pray for all the folks @ virginia tech.-ed

[asheepoo21]

TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE HORRIBLE. I THINK IM GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK. WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY ME????

I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.. GOD HATES ME.. AND I HATE HIM RIGHT BACK!!

[slimoperasinger]

I was very emotional when I heard the news about Virginia Tech. I just thought of all of those grieving families, all for nothing but a sad and senseless act. At least I had a chance to say goodbye to my mom.

Well, I'm still talking to my mom. Today when I was alone in the house, I said hello and called her name a bunch of times again. Then, unexpectedly, I saw a note she wrote to me about an upcoming dr's appt. That really hit me. I know I won't see those kind of things again. How sad that was! I don't care if I seem like a lunatic; talking to mom makes me feel better.

[jillie]

I am realizing more and more that it probably isn't possible to ever get over the loss of your mother--if she was truly the love of your life-which I believe all of us on this post had with our moms. I keep praying to my mom to show me how to live without her. I ache for the young girls on this list because I can't imagine not having had my momn through my teens and twenties. She was my rock and the person who despite all my confusion through those years, kept me knowing I was loved unconditionally. And that always made me strong and confident. All I can say to you is that try to listen to the voice of your mom and what she would have wanted for you when you feel lost. It will always be what honors you the most because she loved you so. There is no love like a mom's love. I have had several signs that my mom is still with me in spirit. I am trying to be open to these and they are comforting. But it is the physical day to day missing that causes the suffering. The way that I was with my mom--and I loved who I was with my mom--that person is gone now and I miss her. She loved to laugh and could laugh at the silliest things. My mom was very funny. Nothing makes me laugh anymore. But so many things make me cry.

I got a card today from an old friend who knows how close my mom and I were. She said that her heart was broken for me. Somehow, people understanding the gravity of my loss helps me and helps me grieve. I really feel like grieving honors my mom and the loved we shared. But I also know she wants me to go on and be happy. I can feel her wanting that. It is natural for our mom's to want that so please try to remember that--all of you. Our moms want us to be happy in our lives. They loved us so much. I don't have the answer as to how but I do believe they want us to move forward.

[solemate]

Firstly my thoughts and prayers to all that have been hurt by the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Suddenly I feel that my losses are not on the same level of this and yet I want to continue to grieve but there is others who are hurting more - I'm confused. (its only been 3 wks since the loss of both of my parents to the car accident that took their lives) like Jillie, I dont think you evey get over the loss - you just have to learn to live with it. I talk to my Mum and Dad and tell them how I am feeling - they never reply. I still have trouble accepting that they are both gone and I have no parents now. Silly isnt it - a grown woman, happly married with two grown up children feeling so lost and alone. Jillie, I too cannot laugh at the moment and wonder when my life will be better. I dont feel happy and it shows, I have lost the desire to do most things.

take care everyone

[jazzikay]

I am carrying the world on my shoulders. atleast it feels like it. I like think of how I can never see my mom again and it sucks. Shes only been in my life for 12 years, dang life sucks

[lilliesson]

jazzikay, ur right sometimes life does suck. whenever i think of my mom not being here with me, i think of how bad life is without her. its been almost 9 weeks and i still count each and every day and cry each and every day. nothing is the same anymore. i thought about my mom when i read jillie's post, my mom also loved to laugh. when me and her would watch tv, we would laugh for hours, damn i miss those good old days. the morning my mom passed we had just got finished laughing together, then i went upstairs only to come back downstairs with my mom lying on the floor dead from a heart attack. that was the worst day of my life. i havent laughed the same since that horrible day

[asheepoo21]

today has been one of the worst days of my life.. HORRIBLE

3 years since my mom has passed away. I just can't believe that God would ever put this on someone, especially someone 17 years old who already has SOO much on their mind and so many things to do.

DEATH?? today is one thing that I just cant understand.

My chest and heart literally hurt today.. WHY? HOW??

I WANT MY FREAKING MOM, I NEED HER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!

[janiceaden]

Members of Beyond Indigo I hope today brings some solace into your waking hours. I have been feeling like a warm wave of acceptance has hit me. Personally I am feeling like I am making some growth, I am becoming the old me again and trying to find the silver lining. It's not easy as I recall how much my mum would have adored her transition into grandparenthood but alas I am not alone. In a nutshell I was lucky enough to gain 3 free tickets to Cirque De Soliel here in Melbourne, Australia, ironically it was located right next door to the arena my mum and I went to in 2004 for Cher's last concert down under! It was sadly my mum's last concert and not Cher's! Anyhow it was only like yesterday when I recall walking into her house and getting 'a look' from her as to say "What the bleep are you wearing?".... LOL, I tend To get alot of comments that I look like Cher so I took that for granted and wore the miniest skirt I owned and the most clevage filled singlet in my post natal wardrobe... My mum just said " Your crazy Jan.. Oh My God!"......... Anyway that was a happy memory for me that brings back some smiles. Too add, at the concert she spotted a Grade B celeb she listened to on the radio, I remember being forced to go with her and get his autograph for my dad (She was always thoughtful , lol he couldn't stop perving at my boobs! Well what a memory! Shame she wasn't there last night, she would have looked to watch the acrobats........ QUOTE OF THE DECADE "LIFE SUCKS!".............

Don't kids say the daintiest things? My 4 yr old asked me why people lie in the coffin with their hands held together when they go to Heaven.. Strangely enough I didn't bring him to the Rosary and therefore he didn't view her body before burial? How did he know this... He was there to witness the coffin being lowered and my brother did tell him Nanna Phyliss was in there... Ummmmm

[slimoperasinger]

Hello. Last night I found another reminder from my mom in my calendar book about 1 more dr's appt. Now I'm sure that that's the last one I'll find because she would have only booked ahead until the end of May. I got so sad to find this. I have to cancel the appt and let them know that she died. I hate this.

I still haven't had mom's phone disconnected. I still haven't moved any of her things off the bathroom sink. I can't.

[jazzikay]

I hate my life, I wasnt even supposed to be born anyways, God I wish I wasnt, then I wouldnt have to deal with all this stupid **** in my life, I want my mom, I want her to come backk, I wanna live with her again and pretend like everythings fine and shell live forever.

[asheepoo21]

i feel ya jasmine. yesterday was moms 3 years and it was hard as hell, i had to miss school and everything.. i was an emotion wreck.. i basically hate life right now & forever!! =[

[jazzikay]

howd you even get to 3 years, aweee it hasnt even been one year and im already sick of life..

[slimoperasinger]

I am having a very BAD day. I completely blew up this morning at my son as he was getting ready for school. I was like a madwoman with my screaming and yelling. My whole life seemed like it was falling apart and I overreacted and took it out on him. Later on I explained to him that I was raw with emotion from missing my mom. Then he cried and said he misses her too. I am totally exhausted from the screaming.

This is one of those days that I've read about where everything seems bad. It's the good thing I have my work to keep me sane.

I am missing my mom so much and I am sorry to say that as the days go on, she feels more and more distant from me. I was hoping that I could keep her memory alive. Instead all I have left are shells of her life.

I wanted to call someone to talk about this, but who could I call? I only see my therapist every 2 weeks. I start a mother/daughter loss group next week. The only place I can come is here. Thank you.

[Edmund]

there will be bad days & hopefully better ones. i'm dreading mother's day & wondering if i should check into a psych facility as i still have so much emotion & miss her so much. time is supposed to help/heal, but the longer i'm w/o her the more i miss her. she was the sunshine in my life & now all i see are clouds...ed

[jazzikay]

why would you check into a facility? Just be strong... I am I would never check into a facility. Like thats for insane people or people who breakdown like and cut their wrists so umm idk if you do that but yeaa

[mofirefly]

Edmund - Time does help the healing, but there is no cure for the missing and it's perfectly normal to miss her so much more since she's been gone longer - but you will be able to see sunshine again thru the clouds because the two of you were so close, think of her as the sunshine peaking thru the clouds, shineing down on the son she loved so very much. You know she's smiling - she has Skunky with her now to play with (sorry if I spelled you cat's name wrong). Please take care!

[lulabell]

I think for the last 3 and a half months since my mum died I have been secretly hoping that its not true and that she will somehow come back. As the only person in my life who I ever truly needed, I now feel more alone than ever. Accepting this loneliness and loss of the one person who loves you come hell and high water is difficult and maybe I never will.

The last three months have certainly been a battle not to fall apart and many things have changed since my mum's death including breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years because he quite simply doesn't understand. Funnily enough though, despite everything that has happened since my mum died there is one positive - I know now that nothing but nothing that ever happens to me in my life from now on will ever hurt as bad as this and that somehow seems to help.

Oh God - its my first birthday without my mum on Weds!

Take care and try to smile everyone!

Lucie

[solemate]

4 weeks tommorow and I still cant believe (or accept) that both my parents were taken from me (killed in car accident) days drift on and life around me is on automatic. I am not looking forward to mothers day. I have a daughter 23 yrs who I hope will enjoy mothers day and not always relate this sad situation when mothers day occurs. I want to remember my mum (and dad) everyday not just on mothers or fathers day. I have finished taking out the items from their unit and have cleaned all the rooms. I could have washed the floor with my tears. I still receive cards and have conversations with people who who knew my parents. Like lulabell, I too cant accept the loneliness that I feel and will also probably never accept this. People tell me you must learn to live with 'it' otherwise the anger will eat away at you and you will not be able to 'move on' sorry! but at 4 weeks, loosing both parents together, I am not ready to 'move on'

take care everyone

[mofirefly]

Solemate - I lost my mom in a car accident Sept 05 but if I let myself think about it, it feels like just yesterday. I know I'm handling things better now than at 4 weeks, but because of the circumstances of loss in this way, it's just different. I know that before the accident there were fatal injury reports on the radio and tv every day - but now when I hear of one, I can only think about the people who have been left behind..and the shock they are dealing with. I too have trouble with Mother's day - as we still have my mother-in-law nearby, and so my husband naturally wants to remember her on that day, but last year was extremely hard, and this year I just don't care - but it is his mom so I'll make the effort. Each one who posts has their own indivdual reason for being here - but together we form a place where our thoughts and feelings are accepted. You have endured a tremendous loss and it will leave a huge mark on your life - but if it helps, the pain does become easier to deal with - but allow yourself to travel at your own speed - not what others say. Take Care!

[slimoperasinger]

Well, today marks 1 month since mom's passing. March 21 was the day. I was dreading this day all week. I haven't wanted time to move on because I don't want to forget her.

I am feeling better today in accepting that mom is not here. I still have not felt like calling my aunt or cousins, who are the only people I have left. What is there to talk about? I don't feel like forcing conversation, and all we had to talk about was mom. Maybe I'll try later.

To those who have lost their moms suddenly and prematurely (of course, all death feels premature), as in an accident, I cannot imagine the grief, anger and shock on top of the loss. My heart is with you.

[jazzikay]

I think Im like the strongest person here. I dont really like idk not complain obviously but like be upset as much as everyone else. idk y...

[asheepoo21]

I think Im like the strongest person here. I dont really like idk not complain obviously but like be upset as much as everyone else. idk y...

you are strong, but everyone on here is really strong too bc with what we have all been through we are all still alive.

but i know like with my situation i am a senior in highschool and im getting ready to graduate and have a lot of stuff that i'm getting ready to do wihtout my mom and i really want her here, thats why im so upset and dont worry you will be very upset as you get older too. you just wait, its not over and im not wishing that upon you but its worse when you get older. =[

[jazzikay]

how come no one writes anymore :[

[libra1]

there will be bad days & hopefully better ones. i'm dreading mother's day & wondering if i should check into a psych facility as i still have so much emotion & miss her so much. time is supposed to help/heal, but the longer i'm w/o her the more i miss her. she was the sunshine in my life & now all i see are clouds...ed

Gosh, I know how you feel. I'm also dreading mother's day. Everywhere I look I see Mother's day reminder's. I just wanna run out of the stores. My mom's one year anniversary death was last week. I'm still missing her badly. I see a therapist, and he really helps me put things into perspective. I suggest you do the same. No harm in it...I think you'll feel better. He told me that some people grieve for years. In my eyes, your emotions are perfectly normal. We all grieve differently. I've been reading your posts for quite some tme, and know you can get through this. Take care of yourself...

[Edmund]

thanx mo-fly & others; we will pray for each other. i have no real family now so the lonliness is hard. i know i should stay out of a nuthouse but since this i sometimes feel like a nut without mom. i feel weak not strong. once in a while mom will show up in a dream & that's cool. i feel like i'll just drop dead one day of a stroke/heart attack ; i have to learn to accept & move on now after 8months, but it feels like everything in life is now wrong & sad. sorry to be like debbie downer; maybe i'll go to a movie tonite that always gets my mind off things. please pray for me i feel afraid & doomed lots of the time, thanx-ed

[janiceaden]

Hello all,

It's a gorgeous day outside and I am finally beginning to enjoy the simple joys of life. I picked 2 long stem roses for my mum just before, I like to keep flowers by her photo as I don't visit her gravesite as much as I should. Just an enquiry, But do most of you visit your mother's resting places often? I've only been once since her burial in November and found no solace in being there. At the time she didn't have a plaque just a piece of paper with her name and details. In honesty I stood there and thought" What am I suppose to do", I cried and left........... Just hoping to hear from others on this subject as I am debating if I should go on Mothers Day...........

[Guest Guest]

Hello everybody,

I am a graduate student at City University of New York conducting a research study to find out how parental death is experienced by children, as a part of my master thesis project. A person who lost his or her parent before the age of 18 is eligible to participate. All participants MUST be 18 or over.

If you are interested, please click the following link to access the survey site:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=652403556189

[jillie]

I am reading all the posts and my heart aches for everyone. Sunday was one month since my mom's death. I had to go on a business trip--I cried for the 5 hour plane ride. I had to go to Las Vegas and had planned to take my mom with me. She and I traveled often together and this was a speaking engagement I had accepted many months ago hoping my Joycie could come along. We were there several years ago together after a bad breakup with my fiancee at the time. My mom was so great to me about all of that and was so my cheerleader. We had a wonderful healing trip and lot's of fun.

I am finding that the missing is the worst--I still can't believe it's a month--it seems like a minute and forever all at once. I am ready for this nightmare to be over and for her to come back to me. I feel like I am burning out my friends with my sorrow. When I came home tonight and there was no one to greet me--the sorrow started again. My older brother was sweet insisting I call him and let him know I was home.

I am functioning--did my panel speaking--but feel like I am hollow and going through the motions--distracting myself and pretending. When I think of never seeing my best friend again--I can't bear it. I keep watching video tapes of her and our trips together. It is bittersweet because I see how much we loved each other and it makes me happy and sad all at once. In a couple of weeks I am supposed to go to London for another speaking engagement. The last time I was there, Mom acccompanied me and then we went to Ireland for a week. This time I had planned to take her to Prague and Budapest God willing. I just really thought we would beat this. God was not willing. He didn't help her get well this time--I have had a hard time praying because I am very disappointed in God. He didn't save her. The sweetest person I ever knew--a light in so many lives and the center of my universe--and he let her die. I know you all have had such tragedy--how do you make sense of it? I am still haunted by my mother's last days and how she suffered. I don't think I will ever stop mourning her--in a way that is okay because her memory will be alive but the physical missing is so excrutiating. My heart goes out to you all because this pain of having loved and lost our treasured mothers is beyond compare. To the young girls on this post--I hope that your moms become part of you and that you can feel her with you. You were robbed of time with your mom but I know that all of our mom's want us to be happy. I am sure whereever they are they ache for our grieving. I am so blessed to have had my mom long enough to become more than mom and daughter--but sisters, best friends and to have the mother/daughter role reversed--sometimes as young and vital as she was she would call me mom accidentally because I took care of her in her sickness with a ferocity of a mother lioness. I would have died for her. Sometimes I feel like so much of me died with her and I will never be the same person. I loved my life with her--I miss it so much. So there is selfishness in this mix--but that is grief.

Love to you all.

[slimoperasinger]

Jillie & others,

Today is 5 weeks since mom died. It really is hard to believe. I still replay the last week of her life and how I watched her go. I pray that I never have to watch anyone die again. I've read that death is not supposed to be feared, but it was so painful to see her go through the stages and I hope I never have to go through that again. She also suffered excruciating pain the night before she died (but thank goodness her meds were increased so that she was able to go in peace).

I am a performer (singer) as part of my profession. Last night I performed mom's favorite song, a love song from the 40's. I really thought I was going to be ok if I didn't have to focus on the words (since it was in a foreign language). Anyway, I just broke down crying in the middle of it and had to stop and restart after getting myself together. I really didn\'t think it would hit me that way. I thought I was moving on with my grief (after only 5 weeks). I will be performing this again in a couple of weeks and am afraid I'll do it again! This is in public and the program will be videotaped!

Since mom died, I started a new hobby that has me really excited. I just wanted to do something light and fun after mom's death. I read in self help books that it's recommended as a way of a new beginning. I really did not have it planned that way, but it just came up. If I had to give my "advice" to anyone who is really suffering over loss, it would be to try something new and fun. I tell myself that mom would love to see me having fun and involved in something new, something just for ME. That is a good thing.

[solemate]

Jillie,Slimoperasinger and others

Its also only been one month since Mum and Dad were both killed. Life does go on and I know its really hard to exist day by day. Yesterday was Australia's commeration for ANZAC (re all the Wars) This was the first service that we have attended without Mum and Dad. My tears were flowing and were covered by the blanket of dawn. My Dad was a returned solider from the Korean war (Cook in the Navy) and both my Mum and Dad had fathers who were at the First World War. This was always their special day and I had a heavy heart all day. On the brighter side, this is a day of remembrance and it will become an even more special day for me. I sprinkled some of Mum and Dad's ashes in their beloved garden after the ANZAC ceremony and at sunset sprinkled some in the Ocean. I feel at peace that I have done this but still have a huge void in my life. Like Slimoperasinger, I too have taken up something that brings me joy. Mum and I enjoyed a strong companionship with dolls. She was a master crafts women and made dolls for the last 30 years. I will continue this craft and search the net for the right doll to add to her collection. For my Dad I will continue to scrap his history in the Navy and have many little treasures to record. By doing this it is allowing me to continue to grieve, move on and still remember them in a practical way so my children can have records of their grandparents history. Each one to their own and I know from the posts that I have read, we all feel so much loss that it seems unbearable. I want to celebrate Mothers day in a positive way and remember my Mum with the love and joy that we shared. My own daughter (23 years) needs to celebrate her Mum (me) and this first one will be very difficult as we have also lost my husband's mother last year. I had promised my Mum that I would make a special lunch for her and use the antique dinner set that I have. I will do this as my special gift for her. I hope to all that post (or just read them) please be kind to yourself and allow yourself me time and keep your memories close to your heart. Take care

[lilliesson]

lately i been taking out my anger on other people. i feel like i get very frustated and annoyed lately. then i blow up and say some very hurtful things sometimes to people that really care alot about me. i thought i was handling my mothers death pretty well, but emotionally im a wreck. the last 2 weeks have been very hard for me. i feel anger and sadness and self pity alot lately. its been 9 weeks since my mom passed away and the pain has not stopped not even for a second. im wondering can i really live my life like this? can i make it in life without my mom by my side? she did everything for me and supported me in everything i ever did. now im alone, i have no one. for the 1st time in 31 years i feel afraid

[jillie]

Lilliesson,

I think it is very normal to be angry--I too have been angry--at God-at our world for being so unjust and letting horrible people live while wonderful people like my mom leave us. It is important to have alone time as much as it is important to be with others. Several friends have urged me to come stay at their houses but I am more comfortable sometimes just being alone to rant and rave when I feel like it. I think 9 weeks is very soon--especially when you had your mom for a lifetime and you were so close. I too struggle with thinking ahead--I cannot quite grasp that I will never see my mom again. Please don't be hard on yourself for grieving. You are honoring your mom and the special love you shared. If you were fine now--it wouldn't say much for your relationship right? It's going to take a long time--I know that for myself. The one thing I am trying to remember like Soulmate and Slimoperasinger and others on the posts is that our moms want us to be happy. If you can believe, as I am starting to, they are right behind us--the voice that says 'do something to make yourself feel happy today' or the impetus that makes a friend call us to go out to dinner unexpectedly. It's them no doubt trying to help us live without them. That has been my prayer to my mom-- please help me live without you mom-because it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Regardless of my growing belief that she is still here with me, the physical loss of her presence is still unbearable. I have no words of wisdom to offer but believe that we have to feel it. It is the downside of having such incredible love in our lives--it is devastating to lose it. But I am so glad I had her--it was heaven here with her.

[slimoperasinger]

I wish I could feel my mother's presence with me more than just once in every great while. I felt it when I was singing her song. That was about it. I have posted on another board about not feeling her around anymore. Some people feel their loved one's presence a lot. I just feel like I'm making do without my mom. I see her notes and things and then I just get sad, remembering when she was here. Some people have said that it the only thing that gives them hope and peace - knowing that their loved ones are still with them. I wish I could feel that.

[lilliesson]

jillie, ty for ur kind words. the thing is, i know that my mom wants me to be happy and live a fulfilling life without her, but how can i? my whole life has revolved around my mom, i lived for her just as she lived for me. i try to stay positive, and to the outside world i am doing a good job, but inside im dying slowly. who is going to be there when i get married, or have kids, or when i get my masters degree? i will look out in the crowd, and the one person i want to see and be with the most wont be there. i still cant believe i wont ever see her agian, i hope one day i can laugh, smile and truely be happy once agian like i was before my mom passed away.

[lulabell]

Like Lillieson and Edmund I feel afraid for myself without my mother. Yesterday was my first birthday without her and I just felt catatonic and teary all day -it was dreadful. Tomorrow will be four months since she died and I still feel I am no nearer to accepting any of it. I still cannot get over the fact that she was fine on boxing day and the next day dead at 61. Nothing will ever make this seem right.

Lucie

[Edmund]

i'm glad we can share because no one else seems to care & they expect you to be ok w/ your mom's passing. bless you all because of your great love for your moms; this is why we all share the kinship of agony more strongly than some. i feel like i have no interest in living anymore & want to be with mom; but i know i have to snap out of that feeling soon. is there something wrong w/ us? maybe we loved our moms too much? i just want to start enjoying life again but feel lost, empty, & all alone in the world. everything seems wrong.please everyone continue to pray for each other as i can't think of anything better to do.i am not sleeping much & self medicating-i know this is bad but otherwise i can't sleep. i'm afraid of mother's day & that i am sinking deeper & deeper into depression & despair. i want to move on but why can't i seem to get a grip? -ed

[jazzikay]

edmund- i doubt no one cares. Everyone cares. Someee people however are afraid to show they care or ask about how your feeling. Because they dont want to like make you upset. out of all my friends only one asks how im doing. It sucks. but like I am jealous of all of you. You practically knew your moms were dying, because of cancer and stuff. My mom was gone in a day. And I only had 12 years with her. You all had more. Like you like have families now and even if you didnt atleast you had moe than 12 years!

end of story

[Edmund]

hi jazzi; my time @ library is running out. you're right i had a long time w/mom & i am blessed for that, sorry your time was so short. i have no real family now either! God bless you...ed

[Guest Guest]

I only had 12 years with my mom also. It has been, my god, 15 years now. I been able to turn the pain and loss into a strength to help others and to face life with. Once my mother died, the small bit of family that I did have, disappeared. It has taken 15 years to build a family of close friends that makes life live-able again. But I still miss her. And what pains me to the core still to this day is not being able to bring her up in conversation without feeling socially guilty or without people feeling weird. Shouldn't we be able to celebrate what they gave us by sharing? It is not like stories of my mom come up often but when they do I want to share. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't remember.

[geordi]

I just found this site. My Mom died just over 3 months ago. I am finding it still really hard. My Dad died almost 15 years ago....so I feel lost, adrift in an ocean. I am doing ok, though and most friends/family are supportive.