Loss of a Mother

[blue202]

Dear Connie, Dee, Giselle, Tara and everyone else who sent their wishes..

Thank you. It is heartfelt and deeply appreciated.

I havent been back online until today, as we had my mum's cremation on Friday 13th. Dont worry - not supersticious 13 was actually my parent's lucky number.

The funeral just seems like a memory in my head, and like I wasnt even there.

I didnt grieve as much as what I did at my grandfathers funeral 4 years ago. I felt bad about that. Then I realised, I had been given time with my mum.

We said what we needed to say, she has been slowly dying over the last few years.

But I am still deeply grieved. My heart feels like someone is strangling the life out of it and it physically hurts.

We came home for the first time today (funeral was held 4hours away where we grew up with family etc) and my dad just broke down going to an empty house.

Nothing I can do can console him. So I feel like I have double the pain, the loss of my beautiful mother, and the sadness of my father. Theirs was a love that you can only dream of experiencing once in a lifetime.

My partner thru all of this has been completely selfish, and so not understanding of my heartache. He has yelled at me countless times including the morning of the funeral - just because I asked him to watch the boys while I had a shower.. (we were staying at my sisters house)...

I am so hurt by his lack of support, understanding and ignorance that I could just walk away from him permanently. He is always like this, but I just expected that in this worst time of my life ever, that he would be there for me - and he wasnt. I dont want to even talk to him, or sleep in the same bed.

I think I need counselling about this or our relationship will now fail. We have been together for 7 years - but I have just had enough.

Even my dad has had to endure hearing how he yells at me over the stupidest things, he was too busy drinking himself stupid and annoying everyone to even consider what we all might be going thru. Selfish Selfish Selfish. I almost feel a hatred for him. My dad keeps telling me to remember that I am grieving, and to not do anything irrational - but its just been building up over the years and this was the last straw. I just wanted him to be there for me for a change and now all I will remember is how horrible he was during this time. I dont think I can forgive him this.

As if I didnt have enough to deal with. I cry lots, hurt lots - but no matter how much I feel, I know it will never bring my mum back to me. And I just want her back again.

Connie - I havent come across anyone with the same spelling before either, I have always been the odd one out, and no one could ever spell it right !

I live in Australia and was born in 1973... my mum loved the fact it was spelt differently - I was her 'Nae Nae' .....

Im glad I have found you guys - yes - it allows you to vent off and get what you need to off your chest, and to lighten your burden a little.

My love goes out to you all on your losses... however long or short it has been - the depth of what we feel is still the same..

Take care -

Ranae

PS - Dee - DONT GIVE UP ON YOUR WORK. It will be a life changing experience.

We dont even have wolves over here! So take the opportunity and live

it, breathe it, love it, grow from it. Let their spirits be your

strength

[tara12]

blue ......... i so relate , so very well and I AM SURE MANY OF US DO .. it seems the feeling of alone ness and the slefishness of others is highlighted to us at this time ........... I SURE AS HELL FELL IT and today myself was so angry and in it and gambled as a result and lost huge amount ... stupid and selfsih and hurting myself this way , trying to stuff the feeling i think , the anger and sadness at others // their lack of care , their abandonment , I toooooooo felt like surely iof there was a time that for ONCE my needs my hurt would be noticed , it would be now , but NOPE , it was like I WAS INVISIBLE and if anything I was more alone and people more selfish , THIS IS HOW IT SEEMED and was ///and it hurts , it really hurts , and makes me sad and angry and YES IT IS GRIEF , but it is true as welllllllllll. hard huh .......

i feel for you and i guess we have to find our ways to let it go and not be bitter ... and accept how it is ....... hard though..........Imin australia as well ........... near byron......

DEEEEEEEE.. do not give up your work it is too precious and special and such a wonderufl thing and will be so healing for you and is NEEDED..... do it OK.......

talk soon , cant sleep cause i gambled and feel so dum and bad and cant sleep at all and feel restless angry , sad , alone .. yuk ..... and giving up cigs as well ( day one )... have too helath is so bad , need to ...... will be ok .....

it will all be ok .. for us all , hang in ok , gald i have this place as well

[josephb]

you guys can judge me if you want but i need to get this off my chest.i have been sober for going on 2 years and within that time i have become obsessed with lifting weigths to deal with stress however when i was 17,18 i would smoke marijuana and drink heavily.i now wonder if my smoking in front of my mom is what killed her and here recently i have been thinking of starting to drink again when i turn 21 and i have been having other negative thoughts

[deewithgreeneyes]

Man...where to I begin...these posts I haveread this morning when Igot up have touched me to my sould. Ahh yes....booze and obsessions.....

Joseph, you are a wonderful young man, I know it because you loved your mom so dearly and are brave enough to express your feelings and emotions. Honey I can honestly tell you as a retired nurse after 20 odd years smoking in front of your mom did not kill her. Your mom had a physical disease that killed her. Now I am not saying maybe she was not disappointed if she did not want you to smoke but....it did not kill her. Addictions and obsessions are insidious things. They make us feel better, they mask our pain. Please don't stat drinking again. Drinking destroys not only your life, but the life of those around you. Alcoholism is a destructive disease and it takes everyone down that is involved in it. Lifting weights...hope you don't take steroids. As a nurse I know the real damage and threat there sre with steroids. Just lifet your weights, when your angry lift your weights, when your sad.....cry. Emotions are like the flow of the tide.....they come and go. I want to share something with you Joseph....if you see a tree that is broken, snapped from the wind...look at it. That tree did not bend with the wind, it did not go with the flow. The tree that bends with the wind, goes with the flow, won't snap. It roots will continue to burrough into the ground and it will grow into a strong wise old tree......

Blue 202....I am touched by your words, let their spirits be your strength. Their spirits are and always have been my strength. No one has ever recognized that but you felt it..thank you. I too have been where you're at with a partner that is vacant and unavailable. My mom died 6 months ago (not quite) short of 3 weeks. We were broke up during the 3 months she was ill and I took care of her here at the house. We got back together about 2 weeks after she passed. He drinks himself into oblivion on a daily basis. Starts in the morning on his days off and drinks all day until he passes out. The days he works he drinks before he goes to work....drinks when he gets home. i have been with him almost 3 years. After mom's death I went back to him because I was lonely and afraid. I was kidding myself into the fact that I had someone to help me get through this. I didn't. I had someone who was drunk and unavailalbe. He is only available to his bottle. I am not bitter or angry if it sounds like it. I am sad. He is an alcoholic and his actions are not deliberate. Everything he does, thinks, says revolves around the bottle. He can't come to my house to help me paint because he needs to get up early for work (3:00 am) and has animals to tend to. The idea of him coming for a few hours to help and drive home (5 miles from my house) is not possible. Why? because he knows he will be getting drunk while he is painting and does not want a DUI. (drunk driving). He admitted it last night. I tried gently to have him see his life revolves around drinking.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Blue 202.....so to continue I realized thatright now I need someone to help me get through this. Sadly he is no help, sadly he is a hinderance because he hurts me with his yelling and terrible things he says when he is drunk. I need structure and consistency in my life right now (so do you) things have been to chaotic since mom died for me and it is taking it's toll emtionally on me (and everyone else on this board...grief robs us of balance). I was looking for a place to move to yesterday...I was hoping and praying my move would be with him, he would sober up, he would stay consistent with what he talks to me about, he would be all the thing I would like hom to be....but he can't. The bottle comes first in his life. He told me two days ago, the day after he was telling me how much he loved me....that his life sucked and had no meaning. His biggest problem? he hates his job...and he is having a hard time paying his bills. No great loss of health or loss of a loved one. His life sucks. I survived a massive heart attack, am back in his life, did not die, but is he grateful? No, his life sucks. Does that speak a thousand words?????

[deewithgreeneyes]

Tara, my friend. I wish I was there to just yell and rage with you. We could sit up all night and rage together about the people who let us down. I know that it is NOT you...you are a giving, generous, honest person. Think of it as the prey and predator thing. At time we set ourselves up to be the prey....the predators come in and eat us. Now, I am not talking about it literally....I am talking about being taken for granted...being used. Myself, I am choosing to lay low and watch to see who takes time for me......I will see it and appreciate it and won't forget it. I will be there for them always. Those who have no time for me...again I repeat...hope they have a good time going to hell in a handbasket......In fact it just happened to me. An aunt of mine who I have not heard from for months AND my cousin (the doctor) who I gave some of my mom's Norman Rockwell things to called me yesterday. Now, I want to remind you...since I gave hime the stuff 2 months ago...I got no thank you card, no calls for the holidays no " Hi..are you alive or dead" no invitation to their house for hoildays NOTHING. Now, they call and ask me to his daughters baby shower.....can you believe it? They want me to call and confirm me coming. Well, they will be waiting until hell freezes over. And another thing...if they call me and ask me whay I didn,t come....all hell will break loose. I have accepted the fact that I am alone. I have my kids and a best friend and my animals. I am lonely and scared. But...I won't be a doormat and give, give, give either...when they don't give back. Love, Dee

[josephb]

DEE,

when i said i was obssesed with lifting weights i meant eating healthy on a daily basis and following a routine.i would never use anabolic steroids as i have read of the effects which ranges from shutting down your natural hormones to heart and liver problems.I really have been wondering if i am what cause her early death through the smoking or maybe the stress from fighting.she was diagnosised with schizoaffective disease(which from what her psychiatrist said was a pretty broad term doctors use for mood disorders)when she went into the nursing home and i recently found that out.there would be times when she would just go off at me for nothing and i would argue back, but in hindsight i wonder if my behavior caused her to argue or if it was her disease? i think i started to smoke and drink to deal with all the fighting.i know she loved me and i love her, but there were times when we just would not get along even though we were best friends

[deewithgreeneyes]

Joseph..I am so glad to be talking with you. My first question is...did your mom smoke? I don't know why but I am going to guess that she did. Let me know. In my years of nursing I did some psychiatric nursing. I hope that the disorder of schizophrenia was explained to you. It can be very confusing to the layman. schizoein means to divide....phren means mind in latin (medical terms are in latin) It is a disorder that alters perception, thinking, language and communication behavior, volition and drive, social functioning and attention. Women are more likely to have a leter onset of the disease (later in life), more prominent symptoms. If you don't fully understand the disorder it is VERY easy to get into conflicts...not your fault, it is very hard to communicate your ideas etc. when their mood is altered. Very difficult to communicate with them and to have them understand your perspective...they can't because of the disorder. Yeah, I know...when you arewith someone who has a disorder (not their fault) it is extremely hard to deal with. You were not to blame, believe me.

[josephb]

she smoked cigarettes from the age of eleven from what my grandma says and to 2004 when she asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i said i wanted her to quit smoking.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Joseph...see, yourmom smoked since she was 11...I thought so (that she started smoking at a young age) we were the smoking generation. The damage done by cigarette smoking was done way before you stated smoking, believe me Joseph, trust in what I am saying....

[tara12]

hello all , hello dee , joseph , blue , clittle , everyone here who hurts and is heartfelt and growing in wisdom...........

first , joesph , your young honey , to go through all this and as others have said , your pain and love are obvious and we care .... healthy stuff is good , go for it , and try as hard as you can as if fighting a demon , cause it is , addcitons , i KNOW , I have BEEN THERE A ND STILL STRUGGLE at times ... and just relapsed myself , with one of mine and lost 8oo dollars a months savings , gone and at a time where i desperately NEED $....so do not go back ever ........ i hope for you , cause it will destroy you , it is stronger than us, stronger than the strongest people , and does not discriminate and just wans you to be the lving dead or dead ....

your mum , loved you , you did not cause her death . no way , noone causes soemones death , unless they actaully have intention to do so ....

also , know , as dee said , living with mental health is hard as anything , i know i lived with this as well , with my brother and mum , and it was awful , they often did not be who they would really want to be , i know my mum felt terrible for this , she felt like she would got o hell for how cruel she had been , but i fortunately got to tell her it was ok ....... and hope she knew i meant it ..... i was so upset at how she suffered ... in herself , it wa not her fault .. my brother , well i have less compassion for , as his illness is alcohol and lying , deeper stuff i am sure , but i feel angey to him for his cruelity not just to me ( totaly abuse at all levels ) but for how he was to his mum and dad and his own family , his kids , he will have a lot of change to go through and a lot of asking for forgiveness to ever feel good i think. and i can barely forgive him . i guess i feel for him , but that is it , i do nto want ot be around him ever ............

ok , talk soon and believ it when we say , IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT .

AND KEEP ACTIVE, THATS GOOD AS LONG AS YOU EAT WELL AND REST AS WELL AND NO DRUGS , CANT GO WRONG ........

[tara12]

DEE ,

YEAH COME ON OVER , i need permission to rage and scream and cry ......... even reading your reply i felt touched and teary , you see how stuffed inside it gets ... so mad.......... I struggle so hard with this , cause i always feel i should be kinder , i should not be affected , ect...... its complex for me ........ and meanwhile i get hurt over and over byt those i thought lioved and cared but really only take ..... is it true , i think i go into denial i dont want to face the truth , that I AM ALONE.. it hurts so much .. but is true and i always have been ........ but why ???? when i try and am i think a kind and giving person , HOW COME , how come ihave to do it alone like this so much and so hard , how come NOONE SEEMS TO CARE , how come it is like i am not allowed to be human and cry and have feelings when others can and do and get help and get sympathy for things so small , yet even when i have tragedy in my life i am abandoned , again and again......

this stuff had mad eme so sick in the past . i literally ahd a break down ,4 years ago and bacame an addict and just gave up and lost everything , i mean everything ........ and have struggled to rebuild my life , alone ........

and still sometimes , like the other day ,g o under again , and i see it was cause i was tired and mad and hurt and also cause its addctions and thats how they work ........ have a little , gamble a little , whatever and BOOM , your gone .. gone gone ......... i HATE IT.

SO ANYWAY , now i have to move on , damage is done , to me . see i hurt me , noone else .... just me ............ and that suxs , i shoudl eb angry to tothers not to me........

but i have to let go now and accpet damage is done and not identify with it and get worse .. i will recover , jsut means less for me now ........ and a while to regain ..... but i am stopped SMOKING CIGS i DAY NOW , AND WILL REALLY TRY TO CONTINUE THAT ... and I will got o yoga tonight , I will fight to LIVE FULLY I AM DAMNED IF i AM GOING TO DIE OR LOSE MY LIFE AND RUIN ALL THE GREAT THINSG THAT CAN BE MINE FOR THIS ****.........

I AM ANGRY AND i NEED TO OWN IT AND ACCPET IT AND ACT ON IT AS WELL , ITS JUSTIFIED , i NEED TO BALST THE HOME CARE PEOPLE , who still have not helped dad , depsite hours and days and motnhs of phone calls and reassurances they will , so im mad , caus eit triggers the bad care my mum got , and i mean abuse .......... and that triggers my anger at people using me and taking and I am over it ........... i think my anger is good , if i get it out , and it may mean LOSING FRIENDS AND PEOPLE THINKING I AM MEAN , BUT SO WHAT !!!!!!!!! i am alone anyway ...... except for here , and some other good people i know and this is who i will share with and seek out , good real people , who cares is its only one or two orlong distance , better than the fake ones huh.. and i will also try be kind still to them and hope they change , but I WILL LEARN I MUST LEARN TO PROTECT myself........

thanks for the encouragement and support I really need to right now , a lot os coming up for me a lot of emtions , ones i poush away , but can not do this anymore or i suffer too much and i will die . it will kill me.... cause it cause me to do things i hate to do......... no good.......

anyway , i will be ok ...... and so will you , cause we are strong and good people and we are real and we are learning together ..... we will survive a nd live strong and true .......... thanks friends !!!!!!!!!!!!

[tara12]

PLEASE EVERYONE EXCUSE MY CONSTANTLY BAD SPELLING , I WRITE FAST CAUSE I AM EMOTINAL WHEN i AM HERE AND DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EDIT IN THIS PROGRAM ( SPELL CHECK ) AND NEVER READ BACK .... SO SORRY , NORMALLY i AM PERFECT IN THIS DEPARTMENT , MAYBE THATS WHY I DO IT HERE , I FEEL FREE TO JUST GO BLAH AND SO WHAT IF ITS GRAMMATICALLY WRONG AND SPELLING IS WRONG . YOU WILL STILL MAKE SENSE OF IT , I AM SURE ........ BUT SORRY FOR ANYONE WHO FINDS IT A BIT WEIRD .,

THANKS......

[deewithgreeneyes]

Had to laugh Tara, I screw up on this keyboard all the time too...I normally don't either, just emotions get carried away I guess. oh, well, no spelling bee were in anyway (smile).

I know exactly how you feel with the anger, I can feel it. I feel the exact same way...abandoned by people I thought would be there. I am angry and disappointed. But I think you are on the way of understanding. Most people have a very samll network of people in their lives that they can truly trust. Just a people thing I guess. As soon as you really learn that you are alone, go with the flow of all the feelings.....scared, lonely, isolated, angry all of them and that none of these things will kill us. Perhaps it is a lesson that we need to learn...being alone and relying on ourselves for our own lives, choices, decisions, encouragement. Give to ourselves and be a little selfish. Most of all I have found out one thing. I now found out that I have a choice, I can choose who enters my den....and if I don't want them there...they are not welcome. I used to welcome all into my life, not anymore. I realized something else. When I was watching my mom die I realized she came into this world alone...and she left this world alone....it did not matter how many were at her side at death...she was alone and left alone. Tara, you're a strong spiritual woman, almost Shaman like...dive into your spirituality NOW and hold on to it. I am here with you in that Spirit...Love, Dee

[groy58]

Everyone

I am so filled with thankfulness for this day, for your sharing from the depths of your hearts, for our friendship and being able to share in each others journey. I want each of you to know that I would never judge any of you! We all have our demons and when we are at our weakest points emotionally it is very easy for those demons to gain strength and attempt to destroy us. The power that we have in this struggle is each others love and understanding. I think that it can only be a good thing that you and I are able to share our inner most feelings with each other even though we come from different places, backgrounds, young or not so young etc. the loss of our mother’s has given us a common denominator that allows us to see pass any differences and share frankly and honestly with one another.

As I read the different post from today some words stood out for me in them all, forgiveness – we must first forgive ourselves and then realize that others do not always have the ability to do the same. I believe this is why people do hurtful things to themselves and the people around them that care the most for them in many cases. I think that it was only a couple of days ago when Connie wrote, yesterday and the past does not matter it is our present and future that we must concern ourselves with. Not her exact words put the jest of what she was saying. Forgive those that have hurt you and decide for the last time if they are an element that you need to continue to have in your lives. I think it is in many cases as hard to let go of the living as it is those that have passed on.

Abandoned – Yes I agree there are times when I feel that I am all alone in this world now. Over the last four years I have loss my father, my best friend, other close family members and now my mother. My inner circle seems to have been yanked from under me like the magic trick with the table cloth. But if you have ever seen that trick the table cloth gets pulled off and all the tableware, plates, eating utensils, glasses stay in place on the table. At this moment in time I think that we are the tableware left on the table for each other and together we can get through the anger, rage, disappointments, addictions, hurt of all the recent events in our lives and learn as we grow in wisdom to love, feel joy, trust and move forward into greater experiences than we have ever dreamed before. I believe more and more each day that our mother’s want us to be together at this time in our lives and I also believe that God in his infinite wisdom granted them their wish. We are not alone, we have each other!

Joseph – I love Eric Clapton and so did my mom. He is one of the most talented guitarists ever. I like his unplugged CD from is latest works. Do you like Sting? I think some of his lyrics are very profound, check it out.

Tara – I know how bad the health system can treat the ill and the elderly (been there with my own mom’s care). Your Dad is in need of you right now so you continue to stand up for him. We are all behind you and you can come here anytime to vent. Yes I always know what you are saying and I don’t need spell check to understand, smile.

Renae – I have tried to explain too many people that in my grief I feel as if my heart has a physical hole in it that hurts. I do not know if it will ever really stop. I know it is not my business but you do not need to allow anyone to be mean to you. You have a lot to do in your life and deserve to have a supportive, understanding person in your space. I am not one to give relationship advice because I am single, but at least talk to someone professional about what you are feeling.

Dee – girlfriend I love you so. I know that you will go on your new journey with your wolves and it will be something wonderful that you can share with us all. I also hear you about coming back home alone you know I have been there and continue to fight that demon. I pray that we both will grow stronger everyday.

Connie missed you today, thanks for the name of the book I will try and pick it up this week.

Well I was just going to write I quick note and this is what you got, smile.

I love you all and ours mothers love us also. They may have transitioned to another place but they continue to look after and wrap their love around each of us.

Talk with you later,

Giselle

[tara12]

DEE , so true , I feel u undertsand how amazing , from cyber land and connected as we are through death ...... yes the spirtual life is all we have , is the main thing , the only game to play.. and it is real and now .. if not now ,? when ? I sure want to work it out this time around , tired of the cycle of suffering and rebirth to do it all again and agin. yeah , get free.......... its true and its my focus , very strongly , and i am human and i stuff up , but get back up and yes yes yes , it is a HUGE TEACHING ALL OF THIS and your so right. I GOT IT TOO , MUM CAME ALONE , WENT ALONE , WE ALL WILL AND ALL WE WILL HAVE IS WHAT WE CULTIVATE INSIDE ... AND WHAT WE LEAVE BEHIND , HOPE AND LOVE ... MAYBE .........

SO , ON THE PATH WE GO ......... KINDA IS A SHAMANS PATH , i know this , always have , but never say it out loud , havent felt to claim this yet , maybe dont need to , don't need to advertise and fall in to the traps of that..... just be real , be present and cultivate clarity and clear seeing , and clear actions. with good intent ........ I know once i can fully accept this aloneness , i will never be alone , cause i will see everything I need is inside ... all of us ..... we all have this . yeah....

thanks for your words , they touch me and feel right and today is day 2 of no cigs and tonight i will go to yoga and move some of this energy ... I feel good , despite losing all the cash ,just a big bad mistake , that I HOPE i do not have to repeat and feel that pain again.... but only way i wont is to be vigilant and work hard to clear myself ... thats my task.........

be well dear friend , oh , i wish you lived around the corner . we could have coffee and talk , you would be a welcome freind in my DEN......... anytime.

[clio31]

Hello again to all,

To all new board member-I have read over your posts, and I am so sorry for your loss, it is a trying time, and I do believe that the people here are genuine and caring. I will be thinking about you, and hoping you see better days.

I guess I have been away for a while, because I was trying a little avoidance. So busy at work, having relationship troubles, just didn't have the strength for grief, although it was there all the time.

Joseph-You made a comment once that the first thing you think when you awake is 'My mom is dead'. I know the feeling. It is the same here, the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night.

Wonder if that will ever stop?

Everything that has happened in the last 4 months has made me a harsh person. I almost feel like I have no self-control, I repress nothing. My philosopy has always been, take a few minutes, don't say words in anger, and discuss issues, don't argue about them.

That has totally gone out the window as of late. Lots of screaming and yelling in my house. I really feel like things just pop out of my mouth before I even think about it. I have been trying to control it, but when I do, I can just feel the anger and resentment welling up inside me.

Anyone else having this issue? I really need some suggestions on trying to deal with this. My relationship is suffering, and I don't want to through that away.

Just a little background and my theory on this-I have been in a relationship for going on 7 years. My partner (female) was totally accepted by my family day one. She didn't have much of a home life, and wasn't too close with her family.

My Grandma and Mom's death were very hard on her. She said they filled a place in her heart that she didn't even know was empty. Anyway, since my mom died, she has been getting closer and closer with her mom, which I know is a good thing. However, I don't want to, her mom has even written me a letter letting me know she would try to 'replace' my mom.

I know that her heart is in the right place, but I don't want to replace my mother. I think that I am jealous, in fact I know I am. She gets to keep her mother, who is in her 70's and in relatively good health, and I had to loose mine when she was only 53.

Guess this is the 'why me' thing, which I know my mother wouldn't have wanted. She always said things happen for a reason and everything will work out in the end. Said that to her dying day.

I am just so sad all the time. This can't be normal, Wednesday will be 3 months since my mom died, and next Tuesday will be 4 months since my grandma.

I think I am just starting to mourn for my grandma, I have just been so consumed.

Well, I guess that is enough wallowing for one morning, I need to get ready for work.

All-Thanks so much for all your support, I will be thinking of all of you, and wishing you the best.

I will try to get back in the swing of the board, I really do think it helps.

Jenny

[josephb]

Groy58,

yeah clapton is one of my favorite guitarist along with stevie ray vaughan, "dimebag" darrell,and eddie van halen.i have not heard much from sting other then a few songs from a group he was in i think they were called the police im not sure though

[septemberspain]

Hello everyone, The prodigal child returns! LOL! I really missed you guys I have soooo much reading to catch up on. I FINALLY went back to North Carolina, I did a spur of the moment thing and I started to go for the weekend, well.... after revisiting my old life I just made it back in. actually had a nice time and it was so hard to leave and return but here I am.

I did get the opportunity to read a few post Dee, I am so happy your daughter is doing well I think none of us want to re-live the horrors we've experienced in 05.

Would you believe that I came home and to find out my last job in NC is actually trying to stop my unemployment benefits, well I'm not about to stress over that right now. I just wanted to check in but I'll be back later to read and to post.

Take care & I'll be back

Robbin

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. This has been fast weekend with many chores crammed into it. Also had my twin nieces who are eight years old call and ask to spend time with me this weekend and even though I really didn't feel like it, I couldn't tell them no. I'm tired. Going for my MRI in about an hour.

Music? You asked me who I like? Okay, remember my age.... I too LOVE Roy Orbison, John Mellencamp (When he was still John Cougar Mellencamp), Johnny Cash, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks, Credence Clear Water Revival, Cher, Cheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge and Yes, I loved Elvis and the Beatles. I'm versatile on music, though I can appreciate, classical, Jazz, Blues, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holliday, and tolerate a little Country every now and then, Toby Keith, Keith Urban, Loretta Lynn and Patsy Cline, not to forget Conway Twitty and George Jones.

Joseph, I would never judge you or anyone else. That's not my place. I'm human too. I'm vulnerable. I make mistakes. Like I've said before, lay down that guilt, it's not yours to carry. Drinking and marijuana? Don't go backwards. Not worth it. Do positive things for yourself. We have to feel the pain to deal with it and get through. Drowning it and numbing it at bit, is only a temporary escape. I'm not sitting here telling you I haven't consummed a few bottles of wine since burying my Mother, but I also know that alcoholism is in my family very strongly and I had to get a hold on that and just feel the pain. In a weird sort of way, I know the pain has to be with me, I do have to feel it. It's a real world and a real life changing event in my life and I have to deal with it, no crutches.

I can't promise you there won't be pain every day, in some form through this grieving over our Mothers, but I do promise, the more time goes by, each day, each week, each month, your ability to deal with it will get stronger. We have to continue. I want my Mother's time on this earth to have meant something, I want to reflect her love and spirit and some of what she taught me to others.

I've never met you. I don't know what you look like. I don't have to. I have a feeling in my heart about you, from our conversing here, that you ARE a shaker and a mover, you have something to accomplish in this life and you CAN make a difference in other people's lives. You WILL get through this sadness. You WILL ALWAYS carry your mother with you. You won't ever be the same. We can't.

I keep feeling like I should tell you, "Believe in Yourself, lay down the past,We can't change what's already occurred, but today is still before us. Set your feet on higher ground, challenge yourself, Win your battle."

Love Ya and Care...

Connie

[clittlelady]

JENNY: Missed you. Glad to have you back. Was worried about you.

GISELLE: As always, love to hear from you. Your words are so encouraging.

DEE, TARA: 05 HAS TO BE BETTER. Looking for better for all of us. Healing, as best we can.

ROBBIN: Well it's about time???? LOL... I really love all you guys. Sorry this is so short, trying to get out of here for my MRI. Will be back later.

RANAE: Okay, this is a little spooky..... Neither one of us has ever ran across another name spelled like ours. And our nick names were "NAE NAE". When you said that, my heart jumped. My brothers called me that when I was little. I have a great niece named after me, but her mom spelled it Renee, but her nick name is "Nae Nae" as well. How special. Glad to hear from you again.

I'll be back later guys, let me get the tube thing over with. By the way, did I mention I'm claustrophobic??? LOL

Connie

[clittlelady]

Hi Guys:

Lived through the MRI. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I went in with my eyes closed, because I am claustrophobic and felt I could talk myself through this. I did okay, until, I opened my eyes once. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. I had an overwhelming rush of panic began to hit me as I opened my eyes. All I could think of is my Mother, in her coffin, cold, dark and alone. I made it through the test, but I left with a sick feeling. I know there's nothing I can do and that's just the way it is. I know she's not really there, but those same feelings that I had those first weeks after her burial, snuck back in. Yes, I cried. See JOSEPH, it comes and goes. I miss her laughter. I even miss her scowling face she would make sometimes. I miss her looking into my eyes and telling me how beautiful she thought I was and me telling her she was looking at a reflection of herself.

Something odd, my only uncle left, her baby brother, he was calling and checking on me regularly until about the time I had an attorney contact my brother and make a demand for the money he owes me or that we would sue the estate to regain those funds. Starting to feel like the few family members I thought I had left have turned on me as well. What a messed up family. I just want to forget them all. I guess when people found out they weren't getting anything, they sort of backed out of the picture. Genuine to the bone or rotten to the core, death will certainly show you who's who.

Oh well, my life continues, regardless. I can make it without any of them, I always have.

Connie

[swede1]

Everyone,

Didn't have much time to catch up on all the posts, but caught a few and I'm glad I took those few minutes. I see too many of us have horrible people around us who hurt us further when we're already suffering...so I'm not alone in that. I've been raging at the world of late, for just such kinds of uses and abuses, especially one aunt who recently wrote me, saying, " And you think YOU have problems! " My...how terribly SENSITIVE of her! I'd gotten all hopeful upon seeing her hand-writing, so close to my Mom's before it got so shaky in the last years, thinking, at least someone was writing me again, and then seeing a newspaper clipping inside, just like my Mom used to send me all the time......then THAT. And news about my estranged brother, wherein she was sympathizing with his 'plight' - the supposed financial hardship he's going through having to pay $2000/month care for our father, plus his (bro's) failing business. It's all a load of crap...he STOLE our parents' assets, ( including over $200,000 for the sale of their house ) never paid care for more than 3 months ( then the gov't finally revoked his POA for our father and took over his care, so he's not paying NOTHIN'!), then recently, somehow received the inheritance that was to go to our still-living father's assets, from an uncle who died a few months ago ( and no one told me, either, that he'd died ). Oh, but 'boo-hoo', he's in such financial trouble! Yah, right. I spent YEARS in relationship with this aunt, but now, all she can do is dump on ME, and feel sorry for my lying brother, who she'd been ignored by for all those same years, and who she was mad at all that time because he never attended her own husband's funeral over 30 years ago. But NOW she suddenly drops her grudge! What's wrong with these people, I'll never know!!

So many horrible people, with no consciences, walking the face of the earth....while we sit here in this heightened emotional state, and too few care except for the compassionate souls on some of these boards ( that's YOU folks! ). 'Course, not even all forums on all sites are as compassionate. I've made several attempts to get help regarding my brother's death, too, but NADA, over 3 different grief sites. There's NOTHING for sibling grief. I've recently decided I'm going to go and buy, then DO, the Grief Recovery Handbook ( by the Grief Recovery Institute ), as I think they know more of what they speak about grief than anyone else I've ever seen....especially when it's complicated grief. And my entire LIFE's griefs have been complicated, because of the lousy family I had the misfortune to be a member of. My Mom was the only one who had some HUMANITY about her, despite her alcoholism and own terribly abused past, and marriage. There are just too many unresolved issues between me and her, and me and my brother, to let simmer in this grief anymore...somehow, I need to get well. My spirit's been smashed, and continues to be, with every hurtful thing my relatives and 'friends' say and do, or more commonly, NOT do. I don't want to just survive, I want to be able to actually experience real happiness, before it's too late for me, too.

Anyway, glad everyone's still around ( plus some newer members of this sad club ). Glad I can still 'jump in' once in awhile, cuz you guys are great listeners! And glad you made it through your MRI, Connie, even though it was obviously a very trying experience.

[septemberspain]

Good gracious LOL! I think I am caught up on the reading, So many thoughts sooo many many thoughts.

Jenny, you are NOT alone in the "I can't control my tongue department" Since my mom died ooooohhhhhh you just don't know. I CAN NOT for some strange reason control this mouth. I have been on battle duty since my mom died. From the insensitive to the well meaning, and just because they are quote unquote family they have not been spared. I often wonder why does death seem to separate families instead of bringing them closer? I have been trying to keep a muzzle on my mouth but stupidity and evilness won't allow me to count to 10 before going O-F-F!!! I am still going thru crap with my immediate family and I honestly think It's going to get alot worst before seeing any type of improvement. But as long as my family (by birth unfortunately) continues to come into the "hungry" lion's den then oh well! I guess I'm at the 1st step I'm acknowledging there is a problem. (Don't have a solution but there is a problem) I have a lot of anger in me I guess this is just another form of grief but I'm at this point in my life where I'm going thru so much in such a short time span, that I don't have the available brain cells to use on any useless topics. So if they are brave enough then let them come hahaha. I'm sorry just in a really crazy zone today.

I can also identify with the 2 deaths that happened so close. My father's sister (my favorite aunt) died the 2nd of September then my mom died the 5th. I wanted to be in California with my cousin (he's her only child) during that time but I couldn't leave my mom on her death bed. I still haven't processed my aunt's dying yet. Then my God brother passed the 3rd of September, I went to his mother that morning before going back to the hospital to wait for my mom to pass. My mom often told us while she was sick she didn't want to be alone and die and we made sure one of us was always with her. Yes, we are born alone and when we die we die alone but that still doesn't help knowing that.

Well Jenny, if you are interested I am about to watch the movie Anger Management you can come on over to my den and laugh at how anger management is handled hollywood style LOL! Seriously hopefully in time we will be able to handle our anger and get a good grip on our tongues. So on that note, I'll talk to you soon,

Robbin

[clio31]

Thanks Robbin

It is good to know I am not alone in my meanness. Reading over the posts, I guess I do have one thing going for me, as my family is not fighting over anything. I have my little tiffs, but that is about it.

To al those who are having the greedy/unsupportive issues, I am so sorry. It has to be terribly hard to have your siblings or other close family memebers to fall back on. Wish there was a way I could send some of my brothers' good vibes thier way.

In fact, my brother that lives about 5hours away, showed up on my doorstep last night. Second time in a month, which I guess is sorta strange since we have never been that close-I am eight years older, so he was always a little pest to me

And Robbin, it is so hard when there are several deaths all at once. You said you haven't processed your aunts death yet, well I know that feeling. I think it just hit me yesterday that my grandma was gone too. I had just been so consumed with my mother's illness and death, I didn't have time to grieve for grandma.

Don't know if any of you are doing the grief counseling thing or not, but I have been for months, the local hospice offers bereavement counseling in the community. While it hasn't made everything all better, my therepist has been able to give me suggestions for release. Things I can DO, rather than think about to try to heal from all this.

Tara: I think you will be amazed at the 'grief workbook'. I did one myself, and I think that it made me realize HOW I was grieving, and what it was I needed for myself. Not that it has made everything all better, but sometimes, it feels good to re-read and realize that today is a little better than when I did that workbook...you can kinda see a little progress.

Thanks for all the kind words, and I hope everyone has a tolerable day. I will be thinking of you, till then

Jenny

[clio31]

Sorry-It was Swede who is doing the grief workbook. Take heart that it will put things in perspective and allow you to see your progress.

Jenny

[josephb]

connie,

i agree with you 100% when you said death shows you who is who.when i called my sister to tell her our mom was sick,the first thing she asked was about our mom's belongings.she would continue to ask everytime i talked to her and she even called the nursing home(from what a nurse told me)after mom passed and told them i was too sad to pick up moms things and she would be coming down to get everything.however the nurses knew mom had not seen her in over 2 years and told her she was not allowed(even though by law she could)i have not heard anything from my sister since we were suppose to talk to the funeral director, which she no showed.why did you need an mri,connie? i also like the eagles(take it easy and hotel california) and ccr(who will stop the rain,have you ever seen the rain and forunate son)another band i like is the allman brothers(midnight rider)the radio in my car does not get changed from the local classic rock station

[blue202]

Ive come to realise that those that are selfish during our time of grief, are so because of a guilt they are carrying, and now must harbour for the rest of their lives.

I am going to go to a Grief Counsellor as at the moment, I have nothing but hatred for my partner of 7 years, the father of my children. He has been so selfish during the past 5 weeks. I am so angry that it is blocking out any love I have for him. My poor dad acted as mediator for us, at least I didnt get yelled at, and I think I actually got my partner to realise just how selfish he is and has been all these years.

But, I dont really have time to grieve just now... My dad isnt coping at all. If it wasnt for a promise he made to mum, he would have taken his own life by now to ease his pain. My dad has depression and has had for over 10 years. This is normally a weight he bears, but with mums death it has just pushed him over the edge, and he feels suicidal. Like I said, mum made him promise not to ever do such a selfish act.

So I am staying with my dad for a little while, my other half goes back to work in 1 week, so he is taking care of the boys til then. We live in a very small town so I am still wih my children daily - but they are very young, and have both our love, but right now, I am all my dad has...

It breaks my heart to see him like this - there's nothing i can do to ease his painful journey...

Connie - I pray everything is alright with your MRI xxxxx Ranae xxxxx

[clittlelady]

Hi to Everyone. Hope today is a Better Day for all.

JOSEPH: By the way... I forgot Rod Stewart... Really love his songs, Forever Young.... And Ray Charles.

Even though I never had a relationship with my father, he left us when I was a baby, my Mother use to tell me about how musically talented my father was. He played many different musical instruments and had a little Country Western Band. This must have been in the late fifties. I was born in 1960. She always was sticking a musical instrument at me, hoping I could "play". The only thing I ever played though was a clarinet in my Junior High School band. I have written some songs though, but they remain buried in a closet somewhere.

My Mother was 42, almost 43 when she had me. My youngest brother is eight years older than I and the eldest is seventeen years older. So the four brothers and myself made a hard life for her after being left alone. We were always poor, but always had enough food. Mother could sew and made most of my clothes. She was an excellent gardener and raised much of our food. She was very resourceful and stretched what little money she did have. Things were always tight, but we loved each other. My brothers looked out for me when she worked. Walked me to school, picked me up. Rode me on their bikes and eventually motorcycles and eventually a little convertible red corvette. One brother saved me from drowing when I was four. I fell into the deep end of the pool and went right to the bottom, but he jumped right in and saved me. I thought we were close.

It has absolutely hit me right up side my head like a ton of bricks and cut to the very core of my heart to know how my brothers have acted through all this. They stayed so out of the picture and never had time for our Mother and then at her death, to shun their responsibility to put her away. I feel so betrayed. Outrage and hatred were my first feelings compiled with all my other emotions of this grief. Disbelief. Shock. Disgust. I actually had one of my sister-in-laws, who has only been in the family for less than two years tell me "How come you are so upset with your brother, he's been there for you?" Okay, I guess she was referring to a ring he gave me last summer. When he gave me the ring, he said "Sister, you're the only one who's always here, I appreciate you." I accepted the ring at that time, a little stunned though. He is my eldest brother, who is the alcoholic and has never given me anything. I've worked all my life. I was the only one to finish high school and worked before I got out of school. No, whoa is me here, but I'm proud to say, I've always done for myself, bought my own first car, walked into the bank and did everything, by myself. So his giving me this ring, was a little awkward for me. When this sister-in-law told me that they had been there for me????? Oh, I unloaded both barrels. I told her I had sat back for years and watched my brothers live life uninterrupted, un-inconvenienced, and leaving everything for me to do when it came to our Mother, that every holiday my Mother spent it in my home because they never invited her to theirs. I told her I didn't regret anything I have ever done for Mother, but each one of them had a place and a role that they neglected. At that time, I had the ring in my pocket and pulled it out and handed it to him and told him, "It's the only thing you've ever given me and now I realize it was to ease your conscience." I told I didn't want it anymore and that I was not the same person and would never be walked on again, by anyone. This is the same brother who moved into my Mother's house less than a week after her burial and sold her things in a garage sale without telling anyone. He sleeps in her bedroom. He paid not one penny to bury her. He is the one I'm suing, as he is the estate executor and the one she left everything to. Technically it's her estate I'm suing, to get the funeral costs, to the tune of some seven thousand dollars, reimbursed to me. The whole thing has been such a nightmare. I have just written him off. Don't hate him anymore, just pity him. I believe he will end up a lonely old man with no one, because of his actions. My one brother in Colorado didn't even come in for her illness or her funeral, lot of controversy and bad blood there, we're finished too. One brother is deceased. He is the very one I believe would have been there for our mother and me and kicked everyone else's butts for not being more responsible. One brother, who lives here, finally came forward with less than one fourth of the costs. Said he wasn't paying for anyone else's portion. Left me with the rest of it. So, so much for being the little sister who was once loved and doated on by her older brothers.

It was very hard for me through Mother's later years, to hear her cry because they wouldn't come or call or return her calls. I mean, I was there. And towards the end, as her strokes occurred and dementia began, she was very cruel to me sometimes and nothing made her happy. She was weary and ready to go. I left her home many, many days in tears and feeling helpless. I guess throughout missing her, I've tried to sort out all of these other feelings and deal with them separately. Now, I've decided I just had to lay down the bitterness and not carry it with me. I can't change people and circumstances. I feel alone, other than my husband and my son and for them, I'm eternally greatful. I think I'd rather be alone though, than to be involved with insincere, superficial people that call themselves family.

I do understand what you must feel for your sister and her actions or lack of. I know time is suppose to ease certain pains and sometimes heal. Regardless of the extent of healing, I know we will carry scars, but I also believe we can walk away from these experiences wiser and stronger. Just as I remember falling into that swimming pool and going completely under water, to the bottom, the fear and the helplessness, I won't let this pull me under and take me down. I still don't swim. But I survive.

I had to have the MRI because I've been having severe back pain. My doctor had performed x-rays about a month ago and called me back in to tell me, the radiologist saw something in my L4-l5 (mid to low back)area and we should do an MRI. He had had me taking muscle relaxers and pain pills to try to give me some relief, but they have not helped at all. The heating pad is my friend...lol I'm a doer, a multi-tasker type person. Laying around is not my thing, but this back thing has shown me, I'm not in my twenties anymore...lol

It concerns me, but I'm sure it's something repairable, even though that thought is an unpleasant one. I'll be okay. I'm still trying to walk the treadmill some, but it's very limited right now. It's pretty bad when the cat is using your treadmill more than you are. My cat Sam (huge and jet black), he stretches out on it and makes me feel really guilty.

Take Care Joseph. Until next time my friend....

Connie

[clittlelady]

RANAE: You're so right about the guilt. That's why I can say I don't hate my brothers. Well number one, my Mother never allowed the word hate. But I don't continue to carry the hard feelings because they are accountable for their own soul. They made decisions that they will carry the consequences of for the rest of their lives. I did and did and did AND did, because I WANTED to do the right things for my Mother. I wanted no regrets. I wanted peace. And I can say, that with all that has transpired throughout this grief, I don't feel guilt over not doing enough for her. I am at peace that I have done all that I could and cared for her and loved her, even when she wasn't so loveable. They will never be able to say those words.

I too have been to grief counseling. It has helped. Sometimes you need to hear that objective opinion of someone outside the circle say "Yes, you're justified in feeling this or that."

I'm so sorry for the lack of support from your mate. When the world is falling around your ankles, that's when you need them the most. Any one who has ever been through loss, death of a loved one, needs to be held and reassured that it's going be better and that you will get through this, that you're not alone. You deserve that. Thank God that you have your little children. That you can look in their little faces and see hope. Their faces reflect your love. Their need for you, makes you be strong when you otherwise might give in to other feelings.

I know it must be hard dividing your time between them and your father. I hope he will find the strength he needs to keep his promise to your Mom. You will all be in my prayers.

Take Care.

Connie

[tara12]

hello eveyone ,

this is looking like the most active site on this whole board ........ guess we all got lots to express ... it certainly is active....... I looked at the calender today and thought ... wow its ben like 10 weeks now, it ahs gone both slow and fast and feels more unreal now......... I am going to see my dad in a week , to clean out my mums things and go get her ashes and have a sense it is going to hit me then, maybe more than / or differently then it did when she died...

\

I am starting to feel tears more close and understand that I am in grief that is barely touched in me........ especially as I just gave up cigs DAY 4 TODAY and started yoga , it is releasing the held in stuff... that smoking and sleeping held in.........

it is good though , hard . but better in the end I am sure.......

i been like a llot of us , clittle , joesph , blue ,dee ,and everyone else , going thru a lot about how other PEOPLES behaviour is , and feeling how selfish people cna be or thoughtless ect.........

it is not a new thing for me , maybe new in seeing ti for what it is , maybe new in terms of really realising it and not thinking its cause i AM THE ONE WHO i s weird or wrong or that I DID SOMETHING , i DON'T deserve ect..... but really seeing and feeling the impacr of people taking and using me , even in a time of such need....... and hurt . how can they ....

yes , t he anger comes , the sadness , the disappointment .........

well , thanks so much for the suggestion about the grief book ? I am in australia so not sure i can get it ? who wrote it / buit want to share this view i recently had shared with me , cause it helped a lot...........

in life , well we may be people who are kind and thoughtful and naturally generous , thats great and we don't and maybe cant stop this , cause its who we are and we dont want to become mean cause then we are like the very people we are hurt by ...... but how do we protect oursleves...

well , this friend said , u know , some people just cant give , they are incapable becuse of their own disfunction and hurt and all they can ver do is take .....( so if we can see this and let it go and know they are this way then less hurtful for us , ). then there is those who u can have as peers , who are equals and reciprocal and u want to have those people in your life ......... then there are those who we can just find a place of resting to be around , maybe they are mentors or feeel like a elder , or spiritual teacher , guide , to have these is wonderful as well......

so , to have less of the first is essential when we oursleves need support , and to that , if you can first accept that this is how it is and not expect more from them and know they are suffering .... then you can have boundaries and ot get involved........

like if someone comes and gives you a gift and you accpet it , who's gift is it ? YOURS RIGHT ....... if someone brings you and gift and you say no thanks , whose is it , THERES , RIGHT ...... WELL THE SAME WITH Shame, blame , anger , everything ..... it sup to us to accpet it , or say NO THANKS......

THIS REALLY HELPS ME. and i feel like its big growth and i am really working now to change my view and to invite AND ASK for those other types of people to come into my life NOW.......... and less of the others and NOT TO BE HOOKED BY THEIR NEEDS AND DISFUNCTIONS , to be kind , but NOT INVOLVED .........

anyway , hope this helps you a bit like it does me....... it is a hard road and painful but do not lose faith in humans , some of us ARE GOOD AND WANT MORE AND CAN BE MORE............ SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE ...

MEANHWILE , still means we can act and be truthful and man oh man am i mad about the care of my dad and the **** people in hospital go through and i ma going to do more about this in the future , we all can take action to help with our powerlessness and feellings of anger to things like this , injustice , we all need to stand up on that stuff ,all injustice .............

anyway yeah , and I miss my mum , i feel her still , faintly though now , sometimes though , i have flashbacks to the coffin , or her body , her last breath , or a converstaion , i feel sad for how much she suffered , I WISH i could have seen to do more somehow , to reliev the pain more , i dont know , it is so hard when someone you love suffers so much .........

anyway , she is gone , huh , she is gone and what is done is done ...... gone , finshed ........ makes me sad.... and i t hink a lot more will come...... i am slow. be well EVERY ONE OF YOU BE WELL AND STAY SAFE ............

[eulaha]

This week has been so difficult for me. I miss my mother so much. for awhile, I was doing ok emotionally. However, this past week, it's been nothing but tears. My future is so undefined. I just don't how to go on, without the love and support of my mother. I feel so alone in this world.

[groy58]

Connie, Dee, Joesph, Robbin, Tara, Jenny, Ranae, Swede1, Blue202,Eulaha and everyone that post here

Yes, the late night owl is back, smile. I have read the latest post and the following are my thoughts (I know you can not wait to hear this, smile).

I was leaving my office on Monday so mad at the way things had gone for the day and that I could not go home and share my feelings with my mom (which is what I would have normally done), all I wanted to do was cry and not go to the gym and workout. (Sidebar; I found the courage to make it to the gym and through my class and then barely made it to my car before I started to cry uncontrollably, even as I drove all the way home. My 10 year old niece was the first person I encountered as I walked in my house and she said “what is wrong aunt Giselle?” and in the voice of a ten year old I looked at her and said I miss my mama). I am trying to put into words an emotion I am having but it seems very hard to explain. You know how everyone tells you how sorry they are for your loss but that you must move on and keep your head up and not cry or maybe even worse when they say I know how you feel with that inevitable but…. At the end and blah, blah, blah. Well I want to tell them My Mother Is Not Lost, the reality is she is dead and I miss her to the very core of my being. I do not know, maybe it’s just me but I will never tell another soul that I am sorry for their loss. I am beginning to think that no one can know the depth of another’s grief in the death of a loved one nor completely understand the journey of coping with that death that we must endure ( it is such a personal thing for each individual). My mother’s death has made me have to reassess the very being that I am what and maybe even where I am and want to be or do in my own life. I have had trouble just saying the words… my mother is deceased. Does anyone else have that problem?

I really wonder why death seems to bring out the worse things in many families and friends. I think back to the first days after mother died and can remember several people asking for some personal belonging of hers and my mind not being able to comprehend anyone being so stupid. I think that in most of our cases our mother’s were very good keepers of the peace and protected us from the realities that father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle whoever was really a jerk all along. I think that like someone said earlier, it is not your burden to carry their baggage. I am the oldest of six children and my mother did not have a big estate for us to fight over so we have not had those difficulties. My brother’s do not live in the state, did not have anything to contribute toward expenses and left her care to my sister and I. the day of my mother’s funeral I can remember thinking mama we are all here and I hope you have seen Clinton and had a long visit (Sidebar; I had a brother by the name of Clinton that was murdered by a gang of young men that did not know him at all on his way home from work. He was age 29 in 1993 when he died and my mother grieved his death I know until the day she died). We do not always agree and I wish that my surviving brother’s had made other choices in their lives yet I know that their lives are their’s to live. I came back to my hometown when my mother’s health began to fail and I came back to take care of her until the inevitable happened. So my plight was of my own choosing. I do not regret any time my mother and I spent together and we had our good and our bad days. Once when she was very sick she told my sister that I was going to kill her by pushing her down the stairs. That hurt me very bad as I would never hurt nor allow any harm to come to her in any way. It was the Illness talking and I know that but it still hurt. Fortunately for us both we had the opportunity to talk and laugh about that little episode together and she told me to please forgive her she loved me and that would never change. I have not been able to go through her personal things yet. I have her bible and I read the notes she left me in it via these little notes she loved to write. I have been thinking that I will take each of the stones from her mother’s ring and have it set in a locket or something, then give it to the appropriate sibling.

I hope that each of us will find our way through this journey and be stronger than we were when we started! I pray for each of you everyday and as my own mother would say every morning I hope that you will “have a great day”. Say you guys, where is Dee? Did she leave for her program with the wolves?

Joseph I also love Steve Ray Vaughan, you seem to young to know these old guys, smile.

Robbin, so glad you had a nice visit home in NC. I have several friends from that state, where is your home there?

Connie, do you know when you will get the results from your MRI. I know everything will be fine. Are you having any relief from the pain? Are you still working everyday?

Blue202 and Tara I am praying for your father’s. Stand by them they really need you and remember we are all here for you both.

Eulaha, tell us more about your mother. We have tried to share the stories of each of our mom's and I think it really helped me to talk about her. You are really not alone. We, each of us that post here are going through a lot of the same emotions. I promise we will listen.

Well another short note gone way to long.

Love to each of you,

Giselle

[clio31]

Eulaha

That's the way it goes, lots of ups and downs. One week you feel like 'Hey, I'm going to make it through', then the next week, it's like you are back at the beginning again. It's totally normal. You sound somewhat like me, I thought everyday it would just get a little better, but it doesn't. I will be thinking of you and hoping today is a better day.

Tara-I got my grief book through hospice, and then I ordered another one through amazon, but I just haven't recieved it yet. If you aren't able to get one shipped to Aust. I would be more than happy to get one delivered to me and send it your way. I just know it helped me so much seeing my feelings on paper.

Connie-When will you get your test results? Hopefully, some rest and physical therapy will do the trick, did you have an accident or something that set started the pain?

All-How do you all deal with the little ones? My eight year old niece called me Saturday and asked all sorts of questions about how my mom looked and what she said before she died. I just couldn't be truthful with her, but I think I told her what she needed to hear.

Anyway, I am running late for work, so I better get going.

Thinking of you all.

Jenny

[septemberspain]

Good Morning All I trust and pray that we all are given the strength that you need to make it thru the day.

Giselle, my sister as I sat here reading your post, the tears started to flow. I could have written every single part of your post! I know exactly what you mean. Being the oldest in this type of thing really sucks. We not only grieve our lost but we also grieve with each of our brothers and sisters as they try to understand what had just taken place. And I know for myself my mom was who I turned to to unload on about life. I feel like sometimes as I process this grief thing, I'm processing to many emotions at once. I started to pack my mom's things since returning back here after she died and I had a hard time just touching them. Our family is far from being rich and I really can't see myself giving away any of her belongings. I knew how hard she worked to get everything here in this house after her and my dad broke up 6 years ago. Then when he remarried his high school sweetheart it really destroyed her heart. But that's a whole another story with in itself. I really don't know at times I sit and think too much. My trip back to Charlotte really touched me in a really bittersweet way. I had moved to Charlotte about 2 1/2 years ago to escape a situation after my only child, my baby, my daughter was shot in a attempted robbery she turned to drugs to help her mascarade what had happened to her so I packed my belongings and moved to Charlotte as an attempt to have a clean start. Moved there, & didn't know a soul. Then after being there I met him. The man of my dreams but then my mom got sick and I had to come back here to take care of my mom and to take care of my youngest sister who is a little person. She and my mom were tighter than glue talk about the spitting image and attitude! She was my mother's baby an she is name after my mom (smile). So not only am I grieving for my mom's death, I am also caught in a situation in my personal life because a long distance relationship is really tough we are trying to decide on relocating here or my living there because of his situation so that's my life in a nut shell! Whew!

Connie, How are you doing? Are you at least taking it easy????? Yeah I know I got jokes today... laughter

Joseph, what cha doing???? I am really enjoying getting to know you. Please keep it up. You make me think with some of your questions it sort of allows me to focus on something else other than my woes.

Eulaha grief to me has had so many ups and downs. One minute you can be laughing and the next a stab straight thru the heart. The pain will come in waves but then there are times when you may catch yourself saying hey, I didn't cry for 3 days or so.

Blue202 and Tara I'm praying for your strength in dealing with your dad's I can only imagine what you are going thru and I'm sending hugs your way. I have so many mixed emotions about my own dad that I think I'm going to have to sit down with him and have one of those father daughter talks.

Tara, Keep strong against the nicotine battle. Some days I can do it others I smoke way to much. You would think that after cancer took my mom and she asked me to quit for her I would be afraid to mention the word cigarette and smoke in the same sentence but nope struggling with that still.

Jenny I don't have any advice for dealing with the little ones I'm not around smaller adults (kids) My only nephew here is 19 and he sort of likes to think He's the man in charge here over us girls my 2 sisters and my daughter.

Swede I'm waving and sending a hug your way. I know your are proably reading (smile)

And I think Dee already left to work with the wolves. I am so happy for her to be able to get away and do something she loves. And to anyone else that's reading "Let not your heart be troubled" it will ease up just a little bit to make this a little more bearable.

And there you have it My latest Novel (smile) Sorry to be so long winded (wink)

Love you guys,

Robbin

[eulaha]

My mother was one of the nicest people you'd ever meet. She was very generous-with her time and her resources. She bought Christmas and birthday gifts for my friends-some of them she'd never met before! Often, my mom would surprise me by sending me a "care package" or a nice card.

My mother was very funny. She had such a great sense of humor. She made everyone laugh with her stories of people she'd encountered at work, while waiting for the bus, etc. She also told stories about her childhood. Those memories will always be with me. I feel bad for her three grandkids (ages 9, 5 and 3), who will never get to hear the story about the time she snuck away from the watchful eye of an older brother, to go to a corner store for penny candy.

My mother had beautiful penmanship. I envied her because her cursive writing was so perfect. I finally achieved good penmanship at the age of 27, thanks to her.

I miss my mom's voice. I miss calling her to talk about nothing in particular. Sometimes I feel like I don't where to go from here. My whole adulthood, I planned to take care of her when she got too old to work. Now, she's gone, and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. Do I stay here in NY, get married to my boyfriend, and just live my life that way? Or, do I move back to California to be closer to my brother and sister, and their children? Do I travel for awhile? I'm so confused.

My boyfriend has been staying with me for the past 5 nights, but tonight he had to go home. I'm really scared of being by myself. I'm afraid I'll get overwhelmed by my grief, and I won't be able to sleep. Right now, I have both the radio on and the tv! Just for the noise. God I'm scared. But I think I need to spend a little time by myself, every once in awhile, just to be able to process my thoughts.

Do any of you get scared of being by yourself? Do you have problems falling asleep at night? Do you feel uncertain about the future?

[kjaceyma]

i was her little girl, ya know? her one daughter, her youngest.

she always wanted me to be more ladylike than we both knew i'd ever actually be.

i'd speak with her about my troubles, and she'd always respond with advice: maybe what i didn't want to hear, but it was usually so right on... she really knew how to listen, assess a situation and give me feedback.

i went home for thanksgiving and discovered a big picture of me on top of her bureau.. so i could always be with her.

her love was unconditional. and as i sit here, most of my tears are for the joy she brought to me, even if i didn't fully realize or understand it at the time.

this woman, who could only nurture. one of the hardest parts now is that the one who could comfort me most in sadness is not here when i am most broken.. my father loves me unconditionally, as well, but he shows it a lot differently.. it's true that there is really just *no* comparison to a mother's love....

two of my friends' mothers are quite ill and going to pass away, one sooner than the other.. i've had incredible conversations with these friends this week, and while of course i wish none of us had to deal with this in our youth (mid-20s), it is fortunate that we are here in the same city to try and help each other out.

thank you all for reading and reaching out.

[groy58]

Hello to everyone!

(Robbin pay close attention girl, I am on a roll) I am in from yoga class and just hoping that I will be able to walk on tomorrow, smile.

First let me say welcome and what lovely tributes to your mother’s Kjaceyma and Eulaha. It is wonderful to hear of the love and devotion shared between a mother and daughter. Thanks for sharing them with us here. My own mother died November 4, 2005. If you read back a few post you will notice that many of us have shared numerous stories of our mother’s lives as well as the pains we experience as we journey through our individual grief. Please know that you can share with a great group here that I am proud to call my friends (all ages, races, from different places etc). Kjaceyma, you will be glad to know that there is another young person here in his 20’s also I believe. His name is Joseph and he checks in pretty often. I will be praying for you that you might gain strength and wisdom during your sadness and be a continued support too your friends as you all deal with the illnesses of their mothers.

Eulaha, thanks for posting your thoughts of your mom. Funny you speak of your mother’s beautiful penmanship. My mother also had a beautiful handwriting. She would talk about mine so bad, she said she new I would have to grow up to be somebody with a secretary because my handwriting was so bad, HA. I know that she would want you to pass on that sense of humor to her grandchildren, you can keep all of her stories alive and well tended for by sharing them with the young ones. You know she would get a kick out of that, smile! The first time I posted to this site I was in a bewildered state and you can read for yourself if you like in some of the older post from everyone that no matter how old we are now many of us here have expressed that sense of being scared out of our minds about the future without our moms daily human presence. Oh to move or not to move? Yes several of us are asking that very question. Some professional friends I spoke to have sad that you should not make those kind of decisions for the first year. But believe me it goes through my mind everyday. Sleep is so erratic for me during this time, if you notice I post here usually later than most. I work all day, trying to go to the gym 3-4 times a week now that I have this time on my hands and still get home and can not sleep. I know that I do not like to be by myself so far so I try to fill up my days with as many activities as possible. Please know that all of our mothers have just gone ahead of us to a different plane and continue to wrap us in a spiritual presence that allows us to continue to communicate with them (I admit differently now). I have said before here that I believe our mother’s brought us to this site so that we could be of help to each other as we go through this time in our lives and I continue to stand by that statement today.

Robbin, you know you are my sister-girlfriend. I hope that you will be able to hold on to that man of your dreams. Long distance relationships are most trying for sure. I am single and still looking (not hard, smile). How are your sister, daughter and nephew doing? I hope that you will hold down your mother’s fort, I know she is proud of you. You make me laugh and I know that you mom is glad that you have hung onto her strong willed spirit. Please keep in touch with me. I look forward to reading the adventures of Robbin, smile.

Connie, Jenny, Tara, Dee, Joseph, Ranae, Swede1, Blue202, miss all of you today. Praying for you unceasingly and hope to hear from you soon. Well here comes midnight again. I better try and get some kind of rest and be ready for another day come sunrise.

Everyone have a good Thursday and fill me in on what’s going on with you as soon as you can.

Love and miss you all.

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

My friends, I have something horrible to tell you. My beautiful daughter was killed this weekend in a surfing accident. I lost my mind and was put in lock up for 3 days. Home now. Don't want to live anymore, can't live without my daughter. I am at the end of my emotions. I cannot believe this has happened. I have company tonight, doctors are afraid of me being alone. We are all devestated, no on sane,

[groy58]

Dee

I love you and I pray that the lord will give you the strength to endure this tragedy. I do not have words to express the magnitude of sadness this news brings to me. I want to say something to bring your hurting heart comfort and I know that you are a spiritual woman so I hope you do not mind if I give you some of my favorite scriptures to meditate on.

Isaiah 54:17- NO WEAPON THAT IS FORMED AGAINST THEE SHALL PROSPER.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-2 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.

Lastly remember to read Psalm 91.

May your highest guardian angel guide your heart, mind and soul in these trying days that lay ahead. You are a woman of great strength and wisdom and I have been honored to have you as my friend and confidant as I have posted on this site. You were the first to respond to me in what seemed one of my darkest hours. I can only hope that one day you will feel that I have done the same.

Much love and peace to you my dear friend. Please keep us posted and stay in touch.

With humble respect and gratitude,

Giselle

[septemberspain]

Dee I don't even know where to begin. God, I wish I could come and be with you right now. For the first time in my life I am speechless! Please know I am here for you I even would like to call or just talk with you. I was taught that when ever things happen and there are no words to speak to fall on your knees and pray:

My heavenly Father, Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to wake up and to be of sound mind. Lord right now my sister Dee is hurting Father you know the pain she is bearing. God I just ask that you take her in your arms, Lord let her know she is not alone. Please comfort her, God, I'm asking that you watch over Dee pour out your spirit of comfort and allow her to wrap her up in your comfort and love. Lord you know what she has been thru. You know her pain, I'm just asking and praying for her continued strength to make it thru this. Continue to watch over this family and all the families that are represented here. I will continue to lift your name. In Jesus name I pray Amen.

Dee my hurt hearts for you. Girl, I Love You and I'm praying for your strength

Robbin

[blue202]

Most BEAUTIFUL DEE....

Where does one start, what does one say:

May you be given the strength of an eternity of Angels.

May God and grace carry you when you dont have the strength to stand up.

May you FEEL the warmth of love we are all sending out to you,

Our hearts and minds be freed of our own current grief,

and be there to comfort you in your need.

May your Mothers spirit be there to guide you an envelope you in her love.

Dee - you may feel so alone - and nothing any of us say can make your load any lighter, but know that we cry for you today, and hold you most special in our thoughts and prayers, and may you find the strength to continue in your journey on this earth.

My heart breaks for you. Be strong.

Ranae xxx

[josephb]

Dee,

im sorry you have to go through this tragedy. i too feel like i do not want to live anymore and it really seems like nothing really matters

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I woke up this morning and thought about calling my daughter. I closed my eyes and wished for death.

[charsmom2]

Dee, I haven't posted in a while or really had much of a chance to check this site lately. I am so sorry to have read about your latest tragedy. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I hope God can pull you through this. Just know you are in my prayers as well. {{hugs}}

[littlebug]

Dee, I haven't posted on this thread, but I read yours and honey, my heart goes out to you. I wish there was something more we all could do for you to ease your pain. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. God will give you the strength to go on.

[eulaha]

Dee,

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your daughter.

[clio31]

Dee-

My heart goes out to you. Wish there was a way we could more of a support to you. If you have this many people who care about you on-line, I am betting that you have someone there with you to be your rock.

Please don't give up. Please keep in touch.

Love,

Jenny

[swede1]

Dearest Dee,

I'm sure it's an understatement when I say I think we are all completely stunned and horrified by your daughter's sudden death. Dear, sweet woman, I can't believe, either, that this has happened to you, to your daughter. Your poor, poor heart. Saying I'm so terribly sorry doesn't even begin to convey the empathy I have in my heart for you right now, but it's all I can do when I'm not physically there to be near you and just BE with you. I understand wishing to die, too, but of course my wish for you is different ~ I wish you every little bit of aid the Universe can squeeze out, to help you bear this impossibly heavy load. To that end, we'll be here, whenever you need us....

[tara12]

DEE DEE DEE ,

I just got home as we are in floods here and could not get in for a day or so .............. i AM IN SHOCK ? HOW ? WHERE ? WHEN ? SURFING ?????????? i SURF ????????? THIS IS TOO HORRIBLE AND WRONG WRONG WRONG TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND TO YOUR FAMILY AND OF COURSE YOUR DAUGHTER ........... how old is she ,if you can please share about whatever you can and need and want about this and PLEASE TAKE CARE.............. CAN ANYONE ,is anyone there for you NOW..... where are you ,can you call someone , can u get help ... YOU CAN NOT GO THROUGH THIS WITHOUT A LOT OF HELP AND SUPPORT AND LOVE......... AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW honey , I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU ......... IS IT REAL ......... i bet it feels very very unreal....... oh god , I will pray for you today and every day , and KNOW i am there in spirit an d sending you love and strength .......... i DONT KNOW HOW ,BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH , YOU MUST PROMISE TO TAKE CARE AND NOPT HURT YOURSELF OR ANYTHING OK ....PLEASE , IT WILL BE AWFUL , IS AWFUL , WILL HURT FOR EVER , BUT WE ARE HERE , IT IS NOT THE END ...... please allow healing , ask for healing , ask to be held , loved , ........... I hope people are there and doing this ......i really do..........

XXXXXXXXXXXO LOVE