Loss of a Mother

[Guest Guest]

Dee

I am alright. I am a little scared about being alone but I'll keep the TV on all night again, smile. I had a CD made for my mom's service also. I was thinking about starting to do it for others it really did add to the service. we had pictures of her at all the stages of her life and with differnt famliy. I play it often. I think tonight is my test flight for being alone here in this dam big house! But I know I'll wake up in the morning and stll be right here. I think I will say goodnight and do some reading. Thank you for being my friend.

Love ya, Giselle

P.S. I am central standard time, now almost 2am

[deewithgreeneyes]

You know Giselle I just re-read your post about getting up at night to help your mom. I did that too and I was always afraid I would go in and find her dead or something bad with her wound. I never could sleep either, always one ear open in case she needed something. You are right, maybe it is conditioning to stress at night....thanks girlfriend!

[clio31]

Dee & Giselle-

The CD thing you were talking about sounds wonderful. I went out and bought a huge amount of stuff to scrapbook, make a memory book of Mom and Gramma for myself and each of my 3 neices.

The CD thing sounds even better-I am not a very crafty person, but I thought I would give it a try. The computer on the other hand, I love to edit and play with photos, that that would work out better I'm sure.

I will still try the scrapbook, but now I have something else to occupy myself as well. Thanks!

I myself have been wallowing for the past couple days. Everything just seems so disoriented. Like I don't know which way to turn.

I too feel like you guys, spent last new year with my mom. We just hung out, had a glass of wine, played cards, talked about family.

I am scared as well, you see, all last year (2004) my mom kept saying, “We have to stick together, this might be Gramma’s last 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.” See, my Gramma wasn’t in the best of health, she had COPD, and had gone blind from macular degeneration. My mom was really scared about loosing her.

All-

I just can’t believe, as my mom urged us to attend every family function we could, and spend as much time as we could together, that it would be the last holiday season for my mom and my gramma.

Now, I just wonder who is next. Had my granddad over for dinner yesterday, and for the past few days he has been sick, very heavy cold he says. It troubles me, because, although my granddad is 76, he’s never really been sick. He has no health problems, no heart issues, he is sharp as a tack, extremely mobile. In fact, he had a physical last week, and the docs told him he was a 76 year old in a 50 year olds body.

I guess it is silly, but him having a cold worries me. I don’t EVER remember him even having a sniffle! I just keeping thinking about hearing stories with the elderly that when they loose a spouse, it isn’t long before they leave the world themselves.

I honestly don’t think I can take anymore.

My youngest brother is coming for an impromptu visit today, just told me last night. He lives about 5 hours away. It is making me a bit nervous. We haven’t always had the best relationship, and right now it is a bit strained. He is the type of person that you don’t really hear much from until he needs/wants something.

I feel at this point, I don’t really have anything to give. I just don’t want to be bothered. I know that sounds selfish, and that’s not usually how I am, but for once, I would like someone to be concerned about me. I have used up just about all the concern I have.

Do I sound pitiful or what? I think I just feel like crap because I feel my life has just turned into one big pity party as my mom would say. I don’t know how to break free.

I have always been one to help others, emotionally, physically, financially. I basically have always loved giving in one form or another. But now, it’s like that brings me no joy.

Took the money I would have spent on mom and gramma for Christmas, and made a donation to Hospice and the Humane Society. My middle brother even matched my donations which was awesome. But, I felt like it didn’t even matter. Hospice is going to put a big plaque on the wall with my Mom’s name. Big deal.

Wow, this post is very long, and somewhat disconnected, jumping around from one thing to another. Everything is just so messed up.

I suppose on a positive note, my home has never been cleaner. I have cleaned some things in the past two days that were just cleaned two days before.

Oh, well, an outlet I suppose.

Talk to you ladies and gentleman (Joseph) later. Hope everyone has something to look forward to in this new year, and that it is a little more gentle for all of us.

Jenny

[septemberspain]

2006 has arrived,

I still can't figure out anything. For the 1st time in over 35 years I was alone in the house I grew up in. I sent everyone about their merry way, I just wanted to be alone. I don't know if I was expecting some late night ghostly visit or was my mind still trying to digest all that happenend from June 20th the day I left my home in SC to come to PA to find out about mom. After reading everyone's post I too wondered if my being unable to sleep at 3am every night for the past 6 months is my mind's way of still trying to block out that time period. 3am was my usual time to be up with my mom. (I'm going to apologize now cause I know this is going to be a novel). I spent that week with my mom doing things we normally did. I even had my mom in Atlantic City until 6am that week lol. The whole week nothing was wrong it gave me a false sense of security because mom was mom. There had been no outward changes we spent the week like we normally would have. Then that Friday night she was admitted into the hospital she had all kinds of test performed earlier that day and she WAS Fine. The next day before going to the hospital I called my job I was suppose to return the coming Monday but I told my Director of Operations that my mom was admitted into the hospital the previous evening and I would not be back on Monday but I would keep them informed about her health. 2pm that afternoon I had a Doctor tell me my mom appeared to have Lung Cancer, when I say I felt the floor move from under me, the first thing I did was to go find my brother (he was here from CA) and I remember finding him in the hallway on his way back to our Mom's room and I guess the look on my face told him that there was something horribly wrong cause I ran straight for his chest to bury my head in him. I tried to explain to him what the Doctor had just said to me and he just kept trying to reassure me that WE would help our Mom beat Lung Cancer he said "You have to be strong Robbin, you have to find out all you can about what's happening with Mommy", so we can attack it from all angles. I called my daughter and told her to go pick up my 2 sisters and that WE had a Family Crisis and I needed us all at the hospital. Do you have any idea how hard it was to sit down and tell them our Mom had Cancer. I know as we sat in mom's room we all sort of stone walled the Cancer thing because at that point we had very little information and we wanted to talk to our mom. That night around 1am mom called crying telling me she was afraid. That night I was almost arrested, I went straight to the hospital and they wouldn't allow me to go to her room. That's when the Veola(Mom's evilness) mentality kicked in. By the time Security arrived I was being asked to leave, Security (Bless his heart) listened to me and he actually allowed me up to my mom's room to calm her down. I crawled right in her bed and held her and cried with her. Didn't leave until 4 am and security actually allowed our little family back into her room by 6am. That was the day when my whole world fell apart. The medical staff told us that my mom had stage IV colon cancer and because it was so advanced they told us she would die in 6-9 months I asked about Chemo and they told me the 1st shot of chemo would kill her. My mom tried so hard to reassure us she would be here for another couple of years she actually told said "Cancer, girl please" "These stupid doctors said I have hemorroids not cancer and since when did they become God telling me how long I'm going to live" for the next 3 weeks my mom went about her life like she had never been to a hospital, never heard the word cancer she actually had us scratching our heads like we were the ones hearing some lie. July 21, 2005 mom was admitted into the hospital for hemmoraging, but there wasn't one drop of blood anywhere she had to have emergency surgery to remove a tumor out of her colon, her health went crashing down hill from that point. I had never been so afraid, I willed myself to fight, I even know that cancer took the lives of my mom's sisters and brother. Have I been tested like these doctors(my mom's primary) have asked. NO, NO, & NO I really don't want to know if the genetics are chasing me down to give me my fair share of Cancer but I really could care less. No I don't have a death wish just not that important of an issue right now. I really have to lighten up my mood. I know that that Battle that we fought was not just a battle. I even feel there is a lesson somewhere to learn from this. I just wish that instead of me trying to figure out things I am going to learn that they would just appear like a neon sign so I don't interpet them wrong.

And I am please to know I am in good company, Hello, my name is Robbin and I am a certified chicken. I'm always praying I don't see my mom here at the house I know and she knows too I would die if she appeared before me. I am not afraid of her I just don't think I can handle her right now.

Dee, I too dreaded going into my mom's room when she was sick. I didn't want to find her dead or anything so I would call her before going into her room.

Well sorry for the ramblings and I'm sorry we are all at this point in our lives. I'm 45 and I have never needed my Mom as much as I need her now!!!

I Love you all,

[septemberspain]

Dee, my brother was a marine too. They act like they are not afraid of anything. He got out right after returning from Iraq Desert Storm but he still acts like he thinks he's indestructive haha.

The other day as we wrote about our mothers and I told y'all about the open door policy and the kids coming here to talk to my mom. Well the saga continues...

A little girl (who's family has lived on this street for years just as we have) rang my door bell and she said Ms Robbin, Can I come spend some cool off time at your house. She's 9 and she must have been having a rough day (her grandmother who's deceased was a childhood friend of mine) And she said I Miss Ms Byrd, she always let me come over when I am giving my Mom Mom (her great grandmother) a hard time. I looked at my younger sister and she sprang into action getting this child situated then wouldn't you know about 2 hours later the bell rang again and this time my oldest cousin who my mom treated like a son was standing on my door step and yup his suitcase was in his hand. So I guess even though Ms Byrd has passed her love and her home still attract those that need her.

[josephb]

clittlelady,

i did consider myself a spiritual person and i did believe in god.right now i am trying to figure life out, so i dont know what i believe. i still do pray before i fall asleep and talk to my mom and papaw.everyone seems real sincere and i would like to thank you all for the advice you give me.when i have more time i plan on telling you all about my mom

thanks everyone

[clittlelady]

Hi Everybody. Read all your posts. It's so good to know we can come to this resting place. The place where love and encouragement dwells. I'm so glad to you DEE and GISELLE, that you were there for each other through the wee hours of the morning.

Good Morning JENNY and ROBBIN. Hope the sun is shining for everyone today.

JOSEPH: My Friend, I understand having everything you believe in shaken. This is probably one of the most traumatic things we will ever experience in life, losing our Mother. That bond of the heart is like no other in this world. It's only right that we feel this overwhelming sadness and pain that makes us question different things in our life as it is now. I think one thing we all share here, is that we agree, none of us will EVER be the same.

If I may, I would like to tell you something I've shared with my own son. Because he is a man, he can love and have a full heart, but he will never know the depth and beauty of life, in the sense of having that life growing inside your body, growing and nurturing from your own. To realize that everything you do with your body is affecting another human being, shaping and nurturing before you have ever taken your first breath of this world. Feeling the beat of life within you. What a Miracle! What Love! I was eighteen when I gave birth to him. I was scared to death. I was so small and he was such a large baby. I had complications. But I had him. I guess the reason I'm sharing all this with you, it's not just to give you my birthing story, but THAT much Love, THAT much giving to someone before you can physically see them, THAT LOVE cannot possibly end with death. A Mother's Love, I believe, is truly UNENDING and EVER present. YOU are her MIRACLE of Life. Your heart is a good one, I truly believe this. If you did consider yourself a spiritual person, You still are. Your faith may be weak right now, but your Heart is true. Don't try too hard to figure it out right now. Just try to remember how much love your Mother will always have for you. Everything you do, from this point forward in YOUR life must be positive and good for you, so that you may honor her memory and the Love she still sends to you. Hopefully, each day we get through our mourning, a little bit of our spirit begins to mend and restoration of who we are begins to take place.

I would consider it a privilege to hear more about this woman who loves you so, whenever you're ready. I'm here. We're here.

Please know that whatever I say to you, it comes from my heart and what I've experienced so far in my life. Doesn't make me know everything or be right all the time. Just sharing from the depths of what I believe to be true and it IS all about Love. We have to carry on. I'm just living it one day at a time myself, to get through the huge hole in my heart left by losing my own Mother. Like another friend here mentioned in one of her posts earlier, Doesn't matter how old we are (and I'm not old, just 45!) we always need, desire and long for our Mother.

Be Strong. Take care until next time....

Connie

[clittlelady]

DEE:

P.S. Glad you're feeling better!!! I would market that Cyberspace Chicken Soup, if I thought that's what really helped!... But it must have been good antibiotics and a strong woman!

[deewithgreeneyes]

Good morning everyone....Connie how right on you were with Joseph, it is so true. I am glad you are doing good and glad to here from you. I started writing a novel as well a few minutes ago but I got blown out in cyberspace somewhere...me and my story. (smile) Anyway, to shorten it I was saying that everynight I would read a to my mom. I picked up a book "I Heard the Owl Call My Name" my Margaret Craven. It is about a young priest who is diagnosed with cancer. The Bishop chooses not to tell him for fear the young prest would try to hard. The Bishop sends this young man to live with the Indians in a remote village of the Northwest and start his own parish. The young ordained has a year or so of an active life left. He goes to live with the Indians and it was to this village that the white man Mark Brian came--to learn the meaning of life and death. It is a beautiful and tender story, very old book. My mom loved it and it really seemed to bring her peace. A beautiful blend of religion and spirituality combined. An awesome book if you like to read.

Joseph...you would enjoy this book as well. I found out you can locate it on E bay. Checked for you all. If you can't find it we can have a daily story telling...I will type it. It is a very short book 158 pages. Maybe I will do that..what does evryone think? anyone interested? Love, Dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

Here it goes..the beginning.

The Indian knows his village and feels it. His village is more than the strip of land four miles long and three miles wide that is his as long as the sun rises and the moon sets. His village is the myths and the winds and the rains. His village is the river and the black and white killer whales that herd the fish to the end of the inlet. His village is the salmon who comes up the river to spawn, the seal who follows the salmon, the bluejay whose name is like the sound he makes "kwiss-kwiss". His village is also the talking bird, the owl, who calls the name of the man who is going to die.....

[septemberspain]

Robbin over here raising her hand**** Count me in Dee!

Joseph, Can't wait to have you introduce your mom to me.

Connie your right 45 is NOT old haha I'm standing firm on the 45 mark. I love the way I've evolved so to speak

*Sorry Dee, I'm back to reading with you had to get those thoughts out

[deewithgreeneyes]

O.K. were on.....Part One: Yes, my lord-no my lord.

One

He stood at the wheel, watching the current stream, and the bald eagles fishing for hering that waited until the boat was almost upon them to lifet, to drop the instant it had passed. The tops of the islands were wreathed in clouds, the sides fell steeply, and the firs tht covered them grew so precisely to the high tide line that now, at slack, the upcoast of British Columbia showed its bones in a straight selvage of wet, dark rock.

"there'sthe sign of an old village" said the Indian boy who was his deckhand.

His eyes sought a beach from which, long ago, the big stones have been removed so that the war canoes could be pulled up stern first. But there was no beach. There was nothing but clean, straight selvage, and a scattered mound of something broken and white in the gray of rain against the green of spruce, and he remembered the words Caleb had quoted him and he repeated them now.

"when you see clam shells, know it is Indian country. Leave it alone"

"Queen Victoria," the Indian boy said quickly. "Some people didn't hear her."

Caleb had prepared him for this one, the first he was to know: "He's been working for a year in a mill town and is eager to return to his village. You'ss not take the boat out without him until you get your papers. He could handle a boat when he was 10, and he knows more about the coast than you will ever learn. You'll think he's shy, and you'll be wrong. When you shake his hand, you'll no at once it's a gesture he's learned which has no meaning. In his eyes you'll see a look that is in the eyes of all of them, and it will be your job to figure out what it means, and what you are going to do about it. And he will watch you-they will all watch you-and in his own time he will accept or reject you."

[groy58]

Good morning everyone

Dee, I made it, did not doze off until 5am so I have done nothing today but sleep. I have to go back in to my office tommorow, Oh no smile.

You all make me laugh. I am 47 and like Dee said ( be it in another context)last night the ground seems to be shaking and I am trying hard to stand still. I think hearig this story will be fun. I want you all to know that I was at my wits end the first night I posted here and I truely feel I was lead here so that I would learn from you my new sister circle and from your mother's lives.

Joseph it sounds to me that you may have gotten yourself a entire group of wise, caring and brave women to love you.

Thank you all for allowing me to be a part of this process with you!

OK Dee, I am reading again.

Love to all,

Giselle

[tara12]

Hello there everyone ,

I have been away and so just back and wanted to log in and just say I hope for us all this year ahead is blessed with good things and ease and peace inside and healings of hurts and sadness ........... yea happy new year........... keep strong , keep it real and rememmber today is what we have , nothing else , live it fully and be safe and know you are not alone , even if you feel like you are............ its all gonna be ok ........

lots love ot you allllll and talk soooooooon............

xo

[clittlelady]

DEE: Great idea to share the book... Enjoying it. Thanks...

TARA: Welcome Back! Missed you! I hope all went well. Hope to hear from you later. Details. Details. And your right, tomorrow is not promised to us. If Today is all we have, it's up to us to make the most of it and leave something good behind. I'm trying.

To ALL: Had a great day today. My son came over to do some laundry. He had the day off and his girlfriend had to work. I was off as well. My husband was having to catch some sleep so he could go to work tonight. This is the first day my son and I have been together, just the two of us in a long time. He insisted I go for a jeep right with him. He had the soft top off. It's been unseasonably warm and the sun has been shining. Very windy. Everything is kissed with the earth tones, tons of leaves falling and on the ground. We went for a beautiful ride, laughed and talked, quality time, made a good memory. Today would have been Mother's 87th birthday. I enjoyed it for she and I. She loved adventure. She would go horse riding with me, even into her sixties. I know she would have loved the top down on the jeep and the wind in her hair.

I appreciate each one of you. God Bless you all... until next time...

Connie

[clittlelady]

GISELLE:

You WERE led here. And I sure am glad. Enjoy hearing from you. I hope tonight is a better night for you. You're in my prayers as is all my friends here. God Bless.

Connie

[clittlelady]

JENNY: I hope the visit with your brother went well. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do, it's called self preservation. Some days we just don't have it all to give. This grief is mentally and physically exhausting beyond anything, any illness I've ever encountered. I believe we have hope though that we will regain our strength in both areas, it will just take some time. You sound like a very precious person. I'm glad you found your way here. We're all in this together. Be Strong. God Bless..

Connie

[clittlelady]

JENNY:

P.S. I could do a Mr. Clean commercial. I'll just get up and start cleaning out a closet or a cabinet or a drawer.... Yep, therapeutic I guess. My back is beginning to have controversy with my mind over all this.. lol... Bye.

Connie

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie, I am so glad you had a wonderful day...horse lady too? Sounds like fun and LIFE...enjoy! Your mom has her bird on my tree for her birthday, put it on the tree this morning.....Her bird will stay with my moms when her bird goes on....Anyone elses's moms birthday this month? Talk to you guys tomorrow. Another page or 2 from the book....Dee

[clittlelady]

DEE: At work, on a fast lunch break. Just wanted to let you know, I appreciate so much your remembering Mom the way you did. Thank You. Yes ma'am, love horses, never owned one, but my brother in Colorado, whom I now am divorced from, lol, has always had horses. When I lived there, that was my solitude to go to his home and go out for a long ride. Haven't been on a horse now in a couple of years. If I lived in an area where I could have one, I would have more than one. Such a beautiful creature. I'm just an animal person??? You know what I mean. When I was little, I would cry when watching Lassie. Every time my Mother would to through this little talk, Baby, it's just a show, Lassie is okay. But still, at the end of the show, when Lassie would raise her (his) paw, I would boohoo.

Hope today is a good day for you. As for me, back to the grind.... Talk to you later.

Connie

[tara12]

hello all ,

back from a very very hot festival .. was good mostly , my film came second in the finalist selection , so it got a trophy thingy , which was good and fun to get a good response... I met and reconnected with people and it was good i think as challenging as it was at times to be away .. I felt sad as I ams ure we all did at times over xmas and newyear , but all in all I am ok and have not such intensity of grief right now .. if anything , somehow I feel my mum is gone ,or further away now ? is this becuase my grief is less or I am not thinking of her all the time ? or becuse she has moved on some where ? who knows? any ideas? I do still feel her and think of her , but not so intensely is all ... feels weird somehow as well , but good as well... its important to let them GO...... free.

My DAD is still unwell and I guess will be from now on , i am pissed off big time with the home care aged care people , and plan to ring them again to day and really blast them as THEY CONTINUE to tell me ( for months now ) they will go see him and DON'T ............... what the hell is their problem and what does it take ......... I am very frsutrated with them , last conversation they were apologising and PROMISED me they would ring him and then go see him and still have not , DEPSITE ME TELLING THEM he had aheart attack , becuse they didnt go see him when i had called for weeks and asked them to and then has since going home fallen and layed on the gorund for hours and is scared and needs a medi alert ect..... and this is when they say ,OH SORRY , WE WILL GET RIGHT ON TO IT THIS TIME and still DON'T ....... i tell you , if they do not act after this , I am going to go on a political activist route and call the papers and TV and write to the bosses and the ombudsman and the politicans and everyone about it , its disgsuting....... no excuses for it ....

anway , i may do this anyway , cause the way they treat / society treats , medico and hopsitals treat old people is disgusting and its time someone said something , noone does when their folks are in their out of fear of the treatment they may get qwhen we leave , but i tell you , and i bet you all saw it as well , its disgusting at times and i dont care the excuses anymore , its not good enough.

well thats my tirade fro the day .lol.... hope your all well , I am , just tired as anything and lots work to do and have to get into it , so much happening ,............... eeek.

be well and happy and live fully .............dont be tooooo sad....... remember our loved ones are in spirit now and in a way always with us , maybe more than before even.............

[momsbabygirl]

I don't know what it was; being in the house, sitting on the couch where she died, or seeing that my father is ok and getting along well on his own for the first time in 48 years, but something that happened over the holidays lifted such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I don't seem to have that empty feeling anymore. It's so hard being hours away from where my family is and going through this. They all have been in the house many times since Mom died and I think for them, it's more real than it is for me. I was so anxious just thinking about going home to the house where she died and to see my father....I was a mess the week before Christmas, but that's all gone now that I've been there and seen that it's ok and it's time to move on....

[clittlelady]

TARA: Congratulations on your win. I know it was important to and something you really needed right now. Glad also you had a chance to reconnect with people and "let your hair down". I know you had to have a few sad moments, but I think we all did and we're still here. Yes, We do have to move on.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your father and the mistreatment he is receiving. I know, you're right. The elderly are not a priority. In older civilizations they were respected and their wisdom was appreciated. They were taken care of, honored. Now, society has made them to be something to the thought process of, that you've lived your life, now go. Both my maternal grandparents were in nursing homes, several different ones and were treated very badly, abused in fact. Even with the government program my Mother eventually became involved in, allowing her to stay in her own home, I had to monitor carefully the care providers and fired several. But getting through the red tape to even get her to that point took several years. She literally had fallen several times and thankfully never broke anything. She had been at the point where sometimes she couldn't make it to the bathroom and would call me and I would go clean up from one end of the house to the other where she tried to make it to the bathroom and cleaned her up as well. She couldn't feed herself, had no motor control of her hand to mouth, familial tremors. Her head shook as well. I had hired, privately someone to go feed her meals, when I couldn't be there, because I work full time. Even though they knew she was in this position, it took a long time to get her the help she needed. Politicians and government have too many other priorities. Elderly care is not one of them, at least not here. My brothers thought, oh she's not that bad, she's doing good for her age. I said yes, that's why I get there to find her crying and her clothes soiled and her floors. That's why there is food all over the kitchen, because half went in her mouth and half everywhere else. I actually came in one time and found her trying to eat her food out of her bowl, like a dog. God only knows how much I've choked backed and held her and told her it was okay, I would get her help. I hated going home to lay down in my bed for fear she would get up to her bedside potty and fall. It was so hard to try to maintain some normalcy to my life and make sure she was okay too. Once she did get help, it was from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. at night. For that I was so thankful. But I still worried about her night care. For the last six months of her life, she needed someone there at night. I would stay on weekend nights and usually one night a week. But that's all I could do. This went on until her end, my worry of what would happen when no one was there. So now, I do feel a relief in one sense, that she's okay now. No more pain. No more desperation to get through each day of her life. She was ready and I have to accept that. I do have to let her go. But her love remains forever in me. Some days lately, I have found myself feeling a peace off and on. And when it's good, it's good. I'll be glad when it stays.

Glad you're back Tara. Truly missed you and your words of wisdom.

You have everything it takes to bring this topic to light. You Go!

Your Father is in my prayers, as you are too my friend.

Until next time...

Connie

[clittlelady]

MOMSBABYGIRL:

I read your post and want you to know, I'm happy that you've found some peace and overcame the way you did. This grief is all about phases, different steps for different days. It's good to hear your Father is coming along as well as he is. Yes moving on is what we all have to do. It's a continuous circle of life, this Journey we're on. This has been a hard hit for me, but somehow, deep inside, I know I'm going to be okay. Never the same, but okay. I'll live and laugh again, because that's what My Mother would want. She loved life and would want me to as well.

God Bless You on the Rest of Your Journey...

Connie

[clittlelady]

ROBBIN: How are you today? I read an article in the paper today that said the average "Babyboomer" (guess that's us?) will have to work until they're in their early seventies before retiring!!!! Okay, this is NOT FUNNY..... If this is the case, I'm going to have to have boobs lifted, stomach removed, butt cheeks tacked up and my face pulled back over my ears, just to compete in the job market for THAT many more years! This means I'll have to borrow against my retirement to have all the reconstructive stuff performed and then I couldn't retire until I'm in my eighties because of repayment to the retirement system. NO winning. None. So, I've concluded that the option, which is the road I'll take, is the good old girl look, the natural look and work really hard in my flower bed and drop a few years before that. THEN, Son can cash in on it all and He will have the better life. LOL LOL LOL I've always told him, if I die in my flower bed, I'm a happy woman. I get obsessed with it and can't quit, so that's our little joke.

Tomorrow, I will NOT read the paper. Don't know why I told you all that, just thought maybe you needed the laugh too!

Talk to you later.

Connie

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: You're in my thoughts.

Connie

[tara12]

Hello clittlelady and everyone ,

yes , I am going to call the aged care folks in the next day or two and believe you me , if they still have done nothing I will cause a stink , really , enough is enough .... I am going tell em , hey , you don't get there and get it sorted and let me know the outcome in the next 2 days of next week , then I am going to call your supervisor , call the newspaper , call the tv and call the polititcans on this crap... i mean really , how much does it take and as you ahred your sad story fo your mum , i know , and have heard similar stories , that this is not an isolated thing , many many of us see this go on and people don't act ( i didn't ) when they are in the homes , out of the fear it will make it worse once you go , and it did happen that the few times i pushed and complained that the next time i went in my mum would ask me to do nothing , cause she had been basically then punished ... of course nothing I could ever prove , but ti happened , things like them just ignoring her ring the bell for so long she would sit in **** , that sort of thing .... yeah compassionate hey ... other times they pulled her too hard , becuase they refused to listen to her crying and sating to go slower and literally pulled her shoulders out of joint and never ever got them back either ......... one other time she fell trying to get up herself ( when she still kinda could ) cause they wouldn'tcome and then lay with a broken wrist for 6 hours till they did ... I am angry , its enought o have this happen to my mum and I refuse to let it happen to my dad again...... they paid taxs all their lives and he served in the war and helped people all his life with charity ... and this is what he gets in return , its really bad , he even for all hislife has given thousands to medical things , red cross ,l flying doctor , childrens hospitals , all sorts things , so he deserves his time of getting help from those who are paid to give it , NOEXCUSES ANYMORE...... I DONT CARE THAT THEY ARE BUSY , this is always the excuse , well who the heck are they busy with ? dead people????? cause they sure as hell dont care for the living and your right , the attitude stinks , they are old so who cares and they may as well die , it seems people forget they too may need help one day ..........

sure there is good people , good carers , but they are far and few between form what i can tell....... god even whilst my mum was just freshly dead , they came in with garbage bags and wanted me to clean her stuff out , which i did as i was too numb to respond otherwise , but that was cruel and thoughtless and you know what ,4 days later , the bed was still empty , so you tell me what the rush was ????????? all it is for them is buisness as ususal and a money maker , I think it suxs and regardless plan to write about this and do something about it even if my dad does finally get help... cause people need to know and i bet if i write about it others may follow suit and hopefully get a whole discussion going ....... they better watch out cause im smart and I can do it ...........

YEAH .... I WILL........ AND YOU KNOW WHAT , I RECKON ALLOF US SHOULD ANY OF YOU OUT THERE WHO CAN AND FEEL THIS , WRITE , WRITE WRITE TO YOU LOCAL PAPER AND TELL THEM THE TRUTH ......... THIS WE CAN DO FOR OUR LOVED ONES AND MAYBE SAVE OTHERS THIS PAIN , ANGER AND HURT AND MOST OF ALL MAYBE IMPORVE THE LIVES OF OUR ELDERLY IN THE PROCESS , MAYBE ??? WORTH A TRY .........

LOVE TO ALL

[septemberspain]

Hi Tara, Happy to hear from you. I am sorry that you are going thru all this crap with your Dad's health care. I know when we first started going thru everything with my mom The first hospital she was put in "The I don't know hospital" as I called them we had a similar situation that my mom wasn't recieving quality health care so I went to the Hospital Director, Head Nurse and anyone involved in my mom's treatment And I complained about The piss poor quality of the care they were providing. Her Room smelled like piss excuse me urine = poor housekeeping I had them in her room cleaning it until it met my approval. My thoughts were she didn't live that way at home at & it was free, I'd be darn if she would pay to stay in that. Needless to say that after more than a few run ins with me they straightened their act up. I even went as far as to tell them that if my mother complained about anything and I do mean anything they would be dealing with me. Then I took it one step further and told the head nurse that IF my mother was in anyway slighted because of MY actions then my actions would lead to someone other than my mom losing life. Yeah, I know it's a hard approach to take, but I also looked at it like this. While my mom is under their care and they are being paid for a service that they are suppose to provide, then yes I am their employer and if they couldn't provide what their job descriptions detailed then they should honestly evaluate their career choice. Believe me I'm not a mean person I just don't take kindly to paying to be mistreated. The rest of my mom's stay at that hospital went smooth. I believe that some nurses and health care professionals will try to do as little as they can for a patient that is under their care. When mom was put back in the hospital (a different one) We only had 2 health care workers who had to be "coached" into how our mother would be treated. We let all those who came into our mother's room know she was precious to us and she Would be properly taken care of. Yes we were always there with her and we spent the nights with her. We (my sisters & brother) knew what level our mother would take you too. (Told you she was mean) so we knew someone had to stay with her and also because we realize that our mom wasn't the only patient assigned to them and we wanted to ensure she was ok. It's like we knew she was dying so we didn't want her to be miserable and uncomfortable so WE became her personal care assistants. And believe me the staff that we came in contact with often thanked us for our helping. The nurses and doctors really were good with us. They taught us the wound care they involved us in her treatments so we could help. It was touching that a few nurses and her doctors (2) showed up for her funeral. They understood what our expections were from them and they knew we would provide them with all the support to help them achieve the common goal. I don't know if I had to be the one calling to follow up with those health care providers I would tell them This WILL be the last time I will be having this discussion and either they do what they are being paid to do, or I'm going straight to the top skipping all the middle men involved. I hope I'm not offending you by writing this but I had to add my two cents. I actually wish I wasn't so far away from you because I would act like I was your sister and handle this for you.

Let me know how you make out,

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Yes Connie, I needed a laugh. I don't know, if I have to continue to work until my 70's uuugh. I hate working now!!!! I'm a resturant manager (when I am employed) and I just don't see little ole mouth almighty (that's me) working that long. I work 10 - 14 hour days at 45 at 70 I'm going to be in one of those motorized chairs (laziness purposes only)trying to do 2 hours a day. At first I thought you were going to tell me about having another baby was the next expected thing to do at my age. LOL (See what happens when I try to read something without my extra set of eyes on) LOL!

Well tomorrow marks 4 months for me being orphaned and this new role of matriach in training. I've actually went into my mom's room and started packing it up, yes today will be day number 4 that I've been in her room alone trying to pack up her things. As I was removing her clothes out of her closet I was having conversations with her. I even said out loud "Mom why do you have so many clothes" and my younger sister who was in her bedroom yelled out to me Robbin, mommy was 65 years old she has 65 years of things and You might as well get it through your head that it's going to take time to pack up 65 yrs worth of memories. So needless to say "Veola had spoken" (She's named after my mom but her nick name is Lola) So today's short term goal is to pack up all those 50237659 pairs of shoes (Not quite that many but I did contibute my fair share of her growing amount) I love shoes and I always bought her shoes she had those 7 1/2 size feet where I wear a 10 so I always found some cute shoe but never my size LOL just those little cute shoes that fit her feet.

Hope today is a Blessed one for you

Robbin

[josephb]

i still feel like i caused my mom's death through something i said,did, or thought and god is punishing me

we got the cremains back today in a bronze urn,it looks like a little metal box.reality really hits you when you look at it and know that is what is left of your mom

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH:

Oh Joseph, please know that you are not to blame for your Mother's death. Nothing you did or said caused that. Her time was her time. You can't possibly put that responsibility on you. I believe before we're born, the day we're to leave this world is already determined. Once again, because I believe in the afterlife, I choose to believe she is in a place where her body and mind is renewed with no pain and suffering. I believe she is awaiting for her son to join her some day and who knows, even grandchildren. This belief, that there will be a reunion some day with my Mother and Brother and all I've lost that I loved so dearly, that's what helps me keep going. I have no concrete proof of the afterlife, never died and came back, but I believe. If there is any way for your Mother to know about you now, you know she would want happiness and success for you and not to lay blame on yourself. She would want you to move on in a positive direction and live your life to the fullest.

This day that you've lived through, receiving the urn with your Mother's remains, I can't imagine how difficult and heart wrenching that is. But Joseph, that's her physical remains. What made her who she was, the spirit that loves you so to this day, isn't in that urn. That part of her still lives. She still sends her love to you. You must lay down blame and guilt, for it's not yours to hold on to. We are only humans. We do the best we can and that's all we can do. Everyone of here, at one time or another has wanted to blame ourself for something we didn't do or say that we should have, or regretted doing or saying something that maybe we should not have. But we have to let that go. It's over. Can't be relived. I think we tend to self analyze ourself way too much through our grief. You've taken on so much for a young man. I wish you had more of a support in your family unit, but you know what, there again, I'm with you in that. "The Family" (mine that is) have their own agenda. Theirs and mine don't mesh, so my grief, is mine alone. We will get through this though. God isn't punishing you. He's giving us the strength to get through each day. I'm sure you've heard of the "Foot prints in the sand"? Joseph, he's carrying us now, even though we may not feel carried some days, I know I couldn't have come this far on my own. I'm not a "religious person". I haven't been to church in two years because of my Mother's deteriorating health. She had all my spare time. But I do remember something she use to tell me. Honey, there will be a lot of people sliding into hell fresh off of a church pew. It's not the number of church attendances, but what's in your heart, how you live your life, how you honor God, your neighbor and yourself. I've been brought through some pretty serious situations, that I know I couldn't have done it on my own, again, I believe God carried me through.

Ease up on yourself. It's not selfish for you to put you first now and do something good for you, something positive. Live so that you can be proud of yourself and just in case Mom is able to see what's going on, Make her proud too.

I will check back here later tonight. Hang in there Joseph. You ARE NOT alone. We all care for you here. And yes, we are sincere. I am sincere. I'm not perfect and I don't know everything. But I care about other people and my heart hurts for you.

Connie

[clittlelady]

ROBBIN:

I've been thinking about you today and what you've undertaken. I know how hard it was for me to take Mother's first picture (her first of the whole museum, as many photos as your Mom had shoes, lol) down off of her wall. Oh, I almost felt if I really did, she was going to knock the dog mess out of me. It felt like taboo. I had to cry. I had to laugh. Then I talked to her and told her, "I told you so". "I told you I would be left to do all this." Just me and my chihuahua (and he didn't lift a paw!), for the first three days, until I found the will, then I left the rest up to Maxipad (my new name for my oldest brother. Max is his nick name, but since I don't even like him anymore, that's his NEW nick name. (lol) Shoes? Clothes? Oh no, if if didn't have a hole in it, or a thread coming lose, it was still in her closet. I swear, she had clothes, the "groovy" ones from the seventies still in her closet and could still wear them! Probably the only 86 year old with tie dye blouses with guru collars. Not to forget those double knit pant suits, uggghhhhh. Wouldn't let us buy her new things. Oh I did, but she always found someone to return it for her. "She had plenty, didn't need new ones."

Seriously though, I hope it didn't bring you down too bad. I know the lump in the throat, the sniffley nose and the heavy chest. Once I started though, it was like fighting fire, just wanted to get it over.

How are you feeling physically???

I will check back later.

Connie

[clittlelady]

TARA:

Gosh, if you were running for President, I would vote for you. Dang it, I would want to be your Vice President. You've got the power and the passion and the intellect to get someone's attention. Someone who can do something. There has to be a way to tackle this topic and get some results. I know here, the word "law suit" shakes up a lot of people and opens a lot of doors. law suit for violation of someone's civil rights, dicrimination against the elderly, intentional neglect of the elderly. Those phrases usually always puts a fire under the "powers that be". And if someone does become a home sitter, tell them they are on a "care cam", like a lot of daycares for children have now. Tell them they are in undisclosed locations and have them sign a waiver agreeing to be taped. Quality of care seems to go up several notches. Lots of things you can do to protect him, once you actually get someone there. It's an outrage what your Mother went through.

When is your next visit to see your Father? Hope all is well with him right now.

It's good to hear from you again. Will talk to you later.

Connie

[tara12]

hello there ,

called aged care today and they promised they will call today and make a time to go see him and I stressed again I want him set up with a medi alert and also they must call me back and report on what happens , so THEY BETTER DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME , OR YEAH i WILL NOT STOP TILL THEY DO IT RIGHT ......... I regret very much I did not push harder for my mum , I feel very bad that she had to suffer so unnecessarily and in such a loss of pride and dignity , she was so strong , so clear and smart and knew what was happening , which made it worse and also she was always immacualte in hygenie and dress and such , so that made it even worse that noone cared enough to treat her right , I do not feel really she got what she deserved and poor thing felot she was for some reason being punished for some past cruelity she did to me .... when that was not the truth and itmakes me sad to realise that a lot of it was unnessary and that I didn't act stronger for her during all that ... lesson learnt though , too late for her ,( THOUGH i DID MY BEST I COULD ) i hope.......... but here story was bad all the way , right from when she got hit by the truck as a pedestrain wating for a bus , she got nothing , and no apology and the police even said to me " well she is old anyway !!!!!!!!!!!!) I mean ffffffffffff xxx K.... thats so wrong .... and then all those years of so much pain and people treating her bad ... yeah I don't think i can forgive them for the last day either , they moved her when she only had 24 hrs left to live , WHY ? WASTED PRECIOUS TIME AND her energy ( from the hospital back to the nursing home ) when they should have kept her in a nice private room and had full time palliative care , but no , room shortage so they shipped her back and made her be in a tiny room with her roommate of 3 years ......... and left her there ( the roomate ) with no comfort all through my mums final hours ... it was cruel for her , she was distressed and kept asking me, was mum ok ... and so i had to try comfort her and well as my dad and hold my mums hand and it was noisy and noone , not one nurse came to talk to her , ot talk to her roommate and reassure her ...... after the funeral i went back to see her roomamte , who when i came in burst in to tears and held on to me crying " she was my friend " i felt so sad for her , she ahd to go through that and couldnt say goodbye or be comforted porperly due to their crap attitude .....

nurses did come to the funeral , i wonder why in some ways , i know one of them was a sweet young man and I know my mum liked him and that was sweet and the others , well one of them was the one who so called loved my mum , yet was so mean to me and made me bag her stuff whilst she still lay there dead and also was rough when we washed her , she was so weird to me , cruel , i wondered if it was cause she had some idea about me that was some judgement or something , but whatever the reason , i dont' feel any warmth to her for that ......

ahhh , guess i got some anger going on , but thats ok , its ok if you act on these things and move the anger , thinsg in this world, often are injust , the trick is to get it out and act and not let it fester ,,,,

I hope your all well , esp thoseof us suffering , esp joesph ... it think of you all and am so grateful for all your posts and sharings , thanks...........

be well.............

[imissmymom]

Hello mom died on Decemember 27. I was the main caregiver she was suffering so

much of late and telling me she wanted to die... I finally in the end told her

it was ok. I feel so guilty like i let her down.....its horrid feeling...but

I kept her here with me I never let her go to a home, she had alzehemeirs and

so many painful problems didnt know my half the time..she knew me at the end it was sudden and oh so sad, I tell myself I did right by her...She died with my sister and me holding her hand I told her it was ok to go...but feel i did it...

I lost my job 2 years ago and all I did was care for her

how can I make it go away how can i survive???? She was 86 before she got so

bad I wanted her to live till 100

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi guys, glad all is well with all of you. I am doing OK physically and doing better emotionally just lonely. Unfortunately the lonliness has led me in a bad place. i knew I was going there just couldn't stand being lonely anymore. Bad move on my part, very bad. Wanted to believe one more time an alcoholics sob story, was vulnerable and lonely, tired of being alone.

Made a bad mistake.

[septemberspain]

Dee, if it involves the same mistake we spoke about months ago (the ex) I can relate to it. (hanging my head in shame) The ex factors will really try to convince you that they've changed etc. I'm not going to climb on a soap box What ever happened has happened. You can't change it or erase it. Don't beat yourself up over it just assure yourself that until you are strong enough you will keep a safe distance. Loneliness and grief will cause you to not think clearly and to avoid any further harm or hurt keep some space there. Know that if you ever need to write me off line lovely922@hotmail.com I'm here. My history with my ex is an on going saga about 21 years worth of heartbreak.

Please know I'm here for you

Robbin

PS OK Can I read just a little bit more of our story????? Just trying to occupy your mind lol

You know I love ya! :-)

[septemberspain]

Hi Imissmymom, My heart goes out to you. Today marks the fourth month since my mom has been gone. You are among people who care and understand what you may be experiencing. I found this board by "accident" 2 weeks after my mom passed. I know that I can come here and express myself and know that I am not alone.

Please don't feel guilty about reassuring your mom she could leave, I carried that with me for a while when she first died. I even told myself that I had let her down because she died. I was also my mom's primary care giver, She was on hospice for the last month of her life and I am by no means a medical anything. So I thought I was to blame because she died. Then between the emotional roller coaster ride courtesy of family and friends I had to let something go, so the guilt was the first to go. (It does take time to release it).

This is a place where there is always someone who listens, understands and actually cares about what you maybe dealing with. So stick around and hopefully in some small way we can help each other.

Sending comforting thoughts to you

[tara12]

missmymum so bad , YES , SEPTEMBER IS RIGHT , this is a place to know your not alone and all OF us have and do go through all these emotions and fears and loss and sadness they call it grief ... and there is no way over it , only through it , and its sometimes messy , sometimes ok and sometimes angry , ect..........

I also had many fo these feelings you describe and i have seen form coming here it is very normal and to be expected . we miss them so much ....... MORE SOMETIMES ONCE GONE THAN WHEN THEY WERE HERE >>>>>>>>> GO FIGURE ?

i MISS MY MUM AND i AM CURRrently experience a lot of ANGER , another stage i guess , regrets for how she was treated and yes some guikt too....... but WE MUST REMEMBER IT IS GREIF TALKING AND CRYING , cause we hurt cause we had to say a final goodbye and got no choice , cause death comes and we can't stop it , and its final , so final............ yes , so rememeber this , YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT , YOU HELPED HER , YOU LOVED HER AND WE CARED ........ we can not have stopped what happened , no IF NO BUTS , IT IS THE WAY IT IS.........

so just remind yourslef of this , know its normal and its grief and then instead just let yourself feel and open and feelher love in its true ESSENCE , without illness , without the mind , without the body , just her pure beautiful love essence , which is who we all are in the end and are all along , but mostly dont realise it .........

I hope this helps , cause its what i tell myself and it helps me and I know its true .... we all did our absolute best and its not our fault ....... its just darn hard , a really hard and soemtimes lonley road ...... but come here and know YOU ARE AMONGST OTHERS who do know and can listen and can share with you >>>>>>

my heart goes out to you in this loss of your dear mum.... ( hugs )

[septemberspain]

Hi Connie,

Ok just a small confession........ I went into my mom's room to pack up for the 4th day in a row looked at her comforter and all her pillows then looked at those shoes then it was comforter--->shoes back and forth so I grabbed her remote for her TV and decided to let those horrible horrible soap operas decide for me and they did! They put me to sleep LOL. Ok well maybe I'll tackle those shoes in a few days.

Another thing to report......... Christmas tree ......... Took all the decorations off stuffed it back in the box and kicked it down the basement stairs Still have a lot of decorations hanging making me wonder if I can leave this red garland up for Valentines day LOL!

Talk to you soon,

Robbin

[blue202]

Hi Everyone.

I lost my beautiful mum yesterday. Wednesday 4th January after a 7 year battle with cancer.

I am very confused, calm, hurt, sad and a whole bundle of other emotions I cant even begin to describe, only those of you in the same position understand.

I thought the anticipatory grief was bad enough. There was not one day that my mum and I didnt speak in the last 7 years. We lived close, we saw each other every day, and for the last few months, I helped my dad care for her.

I know the suffering is over, but I cant seem to find comfort in this.

The loss in my dads eyes sorrows me more than my own grief for my mum.

I fear for his loneliness as my dad was a dying breed of an eternally devoted

and adoring husband - a love you dont see too much of these days.

Planning the funeral is hard. Leaving her body alone was sheer torture.

Knowing where she is and that strangers are preparing her almost makes me feel sick to the stomach.

What will I do without my mum...... She was my whole world too and I love her so much that it hurts.

Ranae

[septemberspain]

Blue202,

My Heart is with you. I lost my mom 4 months ago today to Cancer. The emotional roller coaster has been just one of the hardest things to deal with.

My prayers are with you & your family during this very trying time.

[momsbabygirl]

Ranae ~

I am soooo sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 7 months ago on the 9th and it's been the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with. This board has been good for me...although there were times when it seemed nothing would make me feel better. Coming here and pouring out my emotions has been a good release. I hope that your Dad does well. I was so worried about my Dad because Mom did the cooking, cleaning (Dad did help some too) and all of the finances for 48 years, but he has been so resilient and has really done well in taking care of himself. Seeing him doing so well at Christmas was really a good thing for me. I hadn't seem him at home since the week of the funeral. I hope that you and Dad hold each other up and continue to share the good memories of your Mom.

[josephb]

every morning when i wake up the first thing i think is my mom is dead.

connie,your post really help thank you

[septemberspain]

Hi Josephb,

Even though my mom has been gone 4 months, I still jump up when I'm asleep thinking I slept through giving her meds (blood thinners and morphine) and waking up thinking I didn't feed her or something. When she first died I would wake up and be so out of it tears, anger, frustration and repeatedly going thru the what ifs and the what I didn't do basically I was blaming myself for her dying.

4 months later not as intense but I still have those moments where I've forgotten she is really gone and for that split second things don't seem real, but I'm accepting more and more as the days go by.

Take care, know we are still here to help

[josephb]

when 2 people create a baby do they also create the babys soul or does the soul come from somewhere else and go into the baby?

i know this question is off topic but i have been wondering this and maybe someone who knows religion better can answer this

[deewithgreeneyes]

Josephb..the question is really not off topic actually it goes hand in hand with death and dying. Tell us what you think. You see this is my take on it....What is religion to you? Religion to me is a label...Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Baptist, Jehovah's Witness, Church of Latter Day Saints....etc. So if you want your answer from a religious authority you must go to a priest, rabbi, minister, deacon, elder...chaplain (he/she covers all religions) Chaplains are the one's who work on the battlefied everyday during war and doing that he must have studied each religions beliefs and traditions. There is a good lead for you. You can find a chaplain at a hospital. Talk with him/her.

Spirituality is different. There are no concrete beliefs. It comes from the spirit...whatever that spirit is to you. It comes from your own belief center within yourself. I will tell you that since the beginning of the caveman....some sort of belief system was believed...spirit, life after death. They have found evidence that the cavemen buried their dead with relics for the after life...spirit....soul. They believed that the soul must go somewhere. I believe everyone is born with their own soul...where it comes from I don't know but I know it is not genetic. Meaning passed down from family member to family member. I don't know you, have never met you. I do believe that everyone has some sort of core belief and not one is right and not one is wrong. What is your core belief? If you are having a hard time finding it or don't know...sit in the quiet, no music just outside with nature. Listen for the voice, because you will hear it.

[deewithgreeneyes]

My condolences to all the new members on the board. Your loss is tremendous and we all share your loss. Again, my sincere sympathy to you all.

To all my old buddies on the board.....I have been away from the computer for a few days. I am OK just doing a lot of walking and talking to myself. Looking over my life bbefore the death of my mom and after the death of my mom. The death of mom has changed me completely, I will never be the same. ever. I have tried to hold the fort down here, wanted to keep the house in the family but it seems it is to painful for everyone to come here. I have found out some things about my family (not my children) but my dad's family and my mom's family that I think is really wrong. First off, my dad's family never really recognized my mom and dad's 30 plus marriage because my mom was a gentile (non-jewish) so that is why I have not gotten any support from them. I guess they never forgave me when my dad died for following through with his wishes. He wanted a chaplain...not a rabbi at his services. They tried to march in and change it and I had them escorted out of the mortuary. So these past few days I have called all of them and told them what I thought of each and every one of them. My mom's side of the family (the one's that were her adopted family) have somehow flown out into outer space somewhere. Got a sympathy card from 2 of them...no flowers...nothing from the rest. I did not cll them but I did write each and every one of them a post New Year card to tell them what I thought of them too. So, knowing completely what I have done I have now whittled my family down to me and my kids and their dad (my ex). I am really angry. I am looking for full time work right now and have asked my doctor to get me off of disability for my heart. I can't stand siting around doing nothing but wandering around this house and getting myself back in to a relationship I don't belong in because I am lonely. NO MORE. Some sort of strength has taken over me. I am making plans to move and when I find where I am supposed to be I will move. My wolf handling seminar will be starting here in 2 weeks and I will really enjoy that. We have 16 wild wolves to vet check, vaccinate, move to different compounds etc. so I will be very busy. Obviously my mind needs to be on my work. The terrain is dangerous including snakes, mountain lions, black bears. We will be seperating 18 Gray wolves so they do not breed this season. I am very excited about this because if I do well and pass my test I may be able to land a job with this organization or any organization that works with the protection and reintroduction of the wolf.

I will be back with the book starting tomorrow. My daughter borrowed it last night to write some things down and will be bringing it back this afternoon.

Hope all is well with everyone....

[tara12]

HELLO all ,

i wrote a long reply which disappeared to you all , so wont repeat as it was too much .......... just want to say to RENAE AND OTHERS , so so sorry for your loss and please know your not alone and the grief will be intense at times and many feelings , but we are here and will be lsitening and DO UNDERSTAND TOTALLY .........

MY MUM IS GONE 2 MTHS NOW and it is still hard ,some days not so bad , but mostly always in my mind and has definetly changed me deeply forever i think... this is not abd , i think it is a gift as well if you can see it this way eventually ... as much as it hurts and as much as it suxs and is so final in terms of the body connection ... in other ways we will always feel them in essence... i feel this strongly and it is REAL... i know this is true , i have this experience for real , my mum , i experience her essence and it is clean and clear and light and love ... and this is who we all are beyond the causal body , beyond the personality and the " karma" of life lessons and relationships that lay out in living as a human...... if this helps anyone i am glad .. if it makes no sense to you or your too hurting still , then i apologise , i mean ti to only try help you by sharing that my experience is this ... and now i feel i see this more in all around me and it helps enormously .... we are all this wonderful essence in the end ......... sad for us to lose those we love , sad to say goodbye and many painful things along the way , but it is not an ending , just a transistion and one day we wil go as well..... it is normal.

anyway , blessings to you and my prayers for all who are suffering and in grief , may we all be free from this pain and find joy again........

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hey guys, it's me. I hate to tell ask you all this but PLEASE pray for my family. I was hoping this New Year was going to be good...damn it I just got a call from the Emergency Room where my daughter lives, she is hemoragging. I am waiting here to talk with the doctor before I leave. I will get caught up in traffic so will be taking a train out in a few hours. On top of that I was in my room and came across a zip up bank deposit envelope. In it I found a letter my mom had written...her regrets of her life. Things I never knew. She wrote it sometime after she found out she was dying because the directions to the lawyers office are written at the end of the letter. We only saw the lawyer when she found out she was ill. So damn sad, she felt she had failed me. God I am so depressed. I cannot take anymore this year, I just can't. I will be OK need to be strong for my daughter, please don;t let this be another torturous year!