Loss of a Mother

[tara12]

DEE DEE , YOUR IN MY PRAYERS RIGHT NOW... stay strong and try have faith that all is how it is meant to be , we are powerless to these things and all we can hope for is to stay strong and calm .. be present and clear as can be... let your love flow and caress you ... feel the love of those here and around you who can hold some of the pain in some small way .... we are all here for you.........

I am sosorry for your pain and suffering and difficulties , i just wish for you some relief and a good outcome ... hoping you have someone close by to hold you a bit , to comfort you and help out ? ask if you can .......... ahhh words seem so useless when these things happen , i understand the feeling of totaly overwhelm and i do hope you do not have to go through more heart break........ i wish it was not so.....

be well and my prayers for you and your daughter and family ........

[groy58]

Dee

I will be praying for your daughter and entire family unceasingly! Please keep us posted.

Let me say hello again to everyone. I returned to work this week and boy has it been a long one. I also started working out at the gym to try and relieve some of this stress. I plan on reading all your post and catching up with everyone Saturday. Just wanted you all to know I have missed you and love you so much.

Giselle

[josephb]

if my mom would have never smoked(as her dad had the same diease) or if she quit when she was first diagnosed with alpha 1 she would probably still be alive today

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all, just got in tonight. My daughter is home now and in bed recovering. Seems the surgical areas internally somehow broke open and started bleeding. The attempted to stop it with injections of lidocaine etc. (lidocaine constricts blood vessls) but that did not work. The stopped the bleeding in the O.R. She will be seeing her priamry surgeon next week. I am worried have not seen Clittlelady or septemberspain on the board or have I missed them somehow. Thanks my sisters for your prayers. I am going to be going to sleep right now, finally got something from the doctor to chill me out a bit, makes you tired. Tired is great and the deep sleep is even better! Love to you all, Dee

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH:

Sorry I haven't been able to get back. I've been working very long days and crashing when I get home, tough week in court, Jury trial. We go from can to can't. Lot of turmoil in the work place last week. Trying to not let it get to me. My husband's birthday was this weekend and we went out of town, little get away. It was nice. Spur of the moment trip. Found myself missing you guys.

I'm glad we're here for each other. See, I gain strength from you as well. Each day you progress through your heartache, I do as well.

Okay, about your question... HMMMMMMM... I want you to know something, whatever I say is out of my heart, out of my convictions. Just what I've concluded through reading my bible, not just hearing it out someone else's mouth, but what I interpreted from the bible. The Bible has been attacked by so many as not being the "actual word" or as my son has tried to debate me, just men, plain men wrote that book, how do we know it's God's word????? I don't debate any of it, to me, it's not up for debate, it's just what I believe it to be. Once again, doesn't make ME the authority on it, just what I believe. Yes, plain ordinary men did right each book of the Bible, but I believe they were guided by the spirit of God for each word that was written until it was all conveyed as his will, even through the language translations through the years, it's the same context. Historians and scholars support much of the events in the bible just the same as finding dinosaur fossils. So with that being said, I believe at the very conception of an embryo, life has begun, God has touched this union and given the spirit from his Heavens to this physical life form. I us to wonder, if I hadn't been born to my Mother, would I have been different or the same personality, make up? But I have concluded, in my little mind, that It was destined by God to be who I am and would have been so, no matter who I was born to. Physical characteristics may have been different, but who I am inside, me, would be just the same.

All that, of course is what I believe. I do agree with Dee that if there is someone affiliated with the ministry that you respect, ask to meet with him, present your the questions you feel you need clarity on. I've listened to many different people speak through the years, in churches, motivational speakers, evangelists, and I've walked away with a little more understand from each one about different things. I know there is an evangelist/motivational speaker who is nondemoninational who broadcasts on television every now and then. Joel Osteen is his name. He also has several books out that are very clarifying and down to earth. I really enjoy listening to him and what he has to say. I've never been a church member of any denomination. Have attended different ones, but mainly full gospel.

I don't know if I helped with that in any way, but at least you know a little more about me.

It's unfortunate that the choices we make, can have a negative impact on our health and the length of our life. I have a very strong cancer family history, yet my son picked up the habit at 18 of smoking and continues, despite one death to brain cancer, lung cancer, esophageal cancer, all immediate famiy members. It's sad to know that their choices are ones we have to live with as well. I guess they don't realize what impact it has on us, to lose them. Can't blame ourselves for their choices. We just have to make better ones for ourself.

Take care my friend. Until next time.

Connie

[clittlelady]

HI EVERYBODY...

DEE: I'm back.... hate that I've been gone. Missed you all. Last week I had a jury trial and we worked LONNNNNNG days. Didn't get home until late and was tired, just ate and crashed. My husband was off this weekend and Saturday was his 57th birthday (he's just a little older than I). So he at the last minute, Friday, scooped me up and took me away for the weekend. Guess it was a good thing, other than I found myself missing you guys! It felt good though to celebrate a birthday that wasn't connected to my Mother.

Dee, I am so sorry you've had such a rough time with your daughter and her complications. Just remember who is in control of everything. You're both in the palm of his hands. I continue to pray for you all. You've come too far to fall. Something better is on the horizon. Fullfilling all the hopes and plans with your wolves and anything else you set your mind to. Hang on just a little bit longer. Be strong for one more day. You've got a lot to offer and share with others about many things. You're somebody SPECIAL and there is a PURPOSE for your being here. As long as we live, things change. Nothing ever stays the same.

Love to you and prayers for some peace in your life.

Talk to you later. Your Friend is here.

Connie

I'm back at work today. Work is horrible! Major stressor. All the people in my office met with our chief Judge last week to present many neglected issues and it was just so depressing. The whole thing seemed a waste of time. I'm so sick of politics and politicians, Judges and Lawyers. Really pondering changing careers, school perhaps. It's really disgusting to see what kind of people these people TRULY are and to know their the ones who are making major decisions for other peoples' lives. I hate being caught up in it.

[clittlelady]

DEE... I don't know that happened to that last post for the last paragraph to be thrown down to the bottom.... Sorry!. Computer poltergeists.

[clittlelady]

BLUE22---Ranae:

I just want you to know how much my heart hurts for all the overwhelming pain and fog that you're in right now. From the depths of my soul, I understand. I too lost my precious Mother, August 30th, 2005... four months ago. There is just absolutely no pain to compare to it. I held my little Mother as she took her last breath. I was there for her. I am her only daughter. I've been there for a lifetime. Nothing could prepare me for the hole that losing her left in my heart. The funeral, the arrangements, the emptiness and huge void at times seemed more that I could possibly bear, but I did manage to drag myself through it,however in slow motion and total disbelief. It was like an out of body experience. I knew I was functioning, but I didn't know how.

I promise, there are many people here who are sincere when they tell you they understand, they've been there. We are a very good support group for each other. Some days, you just have to vent, cry, scream, remember. You have to let it out. That's where you start the long process of healing. There will always be that void, but we must continue this Journey we're on.

I've never posted on a message board before or in a chat room, ever, until I stumbled into this place, just a few weeks after my Mother's death. It has been a vital part of my coping with this sadness and grief. I would love to be here for you. Anytime. We all have different schedules and sometimes I don't get to respond until later at night, but I will. Someone is usually always here to help. We help each other.

God will give you the Strength you need. I will never be the same, but I will continue my Life, that's what my Mother would want for me and Yours as well.

You're in my prayers.

By the way, my middle name is Ranae. I've never before seen another person's name spelled just like mine. That's special, huh?

Connie Ranae

[clittlelady]

TARA, GISELLE: Hello to you too. Yes Giselle, work is a killer. I had to return four days after my Mother's burial. Was there in body, but the mind, still comes and goes. It's a stressful job in and of itself, without already feeling in left field in my personal life.

ROBBIN: Are Ya there? My worst fear! Those darn shoes finally got the best of you, huh? I'm picturing you with you in a pile of shoes up to your neck and one hand and arm sticking out of the pile.

What's going on with you today? Come on, make me laugh???? And if not.... I'll cry with you.

Waiting?????

Connie

[clittlelady]

DEE: One other note I meant to touch on regarding your posting of finding the letter from your Mother. You know something, maybe it was herself she felt she really let down and in turn, that was letting you down. We're usually our own worst critic. No matter what, you know in your heart what the truth is and you can't change what's happened, what she felt, were her feelings were. It's a good example for us though, to know we must let those we love know what our feelings are, be clear, for our sake and for theirs. Life is all about learning. Everyday is a new lesson, as long as we walk this earth. Don't let it linger too long in your heart. Where she was then is over. Where she is now is what's important, her peace, her renewal of mind, body and spirit. Also, time to renew yourself, mind, body and spirit.

Hang in there.

Connie

[kjaceyma]

Good evening! Though I am no stranger to message boards, it's my first time posting on this particular one.

MY story:

My name is Kelly, I'm 23 and currently working in research administration -- in a nutshell, my office protects the rights of human subjects in research studies.

I live in Boston, but grew up in the Philadelphia area.

Just to give a little background...so my mom was first told she had oral cancer 5 years ago. 2 1/2 years later a tumor developed on a lymph node in her neck. Just last December she was told she had tumors in her lungs and other activity on her ribs, around her shoulder blades and on her hip. She went through a lot of different treatment - first chemo, then she took a pill every day which produced some great results. Ultimately, though, they suspect the cancer spread to her bone marrow, which of course caused tremendous pain.. uncontrollable. No treatment could really be administered if the pain wasn't controlled, which was never able to happen. She passed away on December 17, 2005, in the hospital, technically from pneumonia which ravaged her weakened body.

So I spent a few weeks at home with my dad and other family and family friends. Now I'm back in Boston- today was my first day back at work, which was surreal - my coworkers are highly supportive, but work still obviously needs to get done, so I've got to go with the flow to a certain extent.. I want to be careful, this work requires high attention to detail and I hope I can focus enough to not make mistakes... but anyhow, it's a lot to handle and it made me rather exhausted. So I left a little early and instead of going home to sleep I made myself go to the gym since that was a huge part of my life for most of the fall and I do miss it.. working out usually really lifts my spirits, and it was incredible today to actually feel at least somewhat energized for the first time in 3-4 weeks.

I think about my mom and remember her as graceful and ceaselessly loving toward her family.. but I also acknowledge that we had very differing opinions. In addition.. one thing that was hard about the past 6 months or so is that I got really mad at her for being so sick, just because I desperately wanted her to be her former, healthy self. So I was defensive and non-communicative, and felt badly about it but couldn't stop it. And I didn't talk to her much about it.

So now, I'm left with all these feelings that I don't necessarily regret but wish I could talk with her about. I got the idea from a website I was reading (possibly this one?) to write a letter and burn it or otherwise symbolically send it to her. It would probably let me have some peace about all that.

So I appreciate your reading this and just wanted to reach out to others who were experiencing the ups and the downs, probably similar to the things I'm experiencing.

Thanks,

Kelly

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie: soooo good to hear from you, we missed you too. I'm glad your husband swooped you away, you deserve to be swooped away for a week-end. As usual I loved your reply to Joseph, you should have been a counselor or nurse, you would have been absolutely awesome. Seems you know where to touch to give someone hope and renewal. You're right the wolves and my veterinary seminar on them that I am attending is what keeps me going right now. We will have 18 gray wolves that have never been handled by humans. Our project will be to seperate them from males/ females in the pack so they won't breed. From there will we do a health check on them (vitals) then DNA testing , tattoing, radio collar and tagging. There will be lab time of course on different meds, diseases, etc. I will be leaving for my daughters again this week-end to give her a hand, still on bedrest at home. I will begin the book again this up coming weeke-end from my daughters house. She just got a computer so I can do it there. I joined a gym to try and get some strength in my arms (kind of whimped out a little since the heart attack). My arms have always been prety strong from riding etc. so hopefully I will get some of it back before I go.

Yes, the letter...I think you may be right in some ways. She was saying that she wished she had not have gotten married as young as she was, that she had worked in her younger years. She felt she never learned how to "interact with the public". She also had wished that she would have voiced her opinion more and to quote her "but I felt she was my little girl and I have responsibility for her actions". I think she must be talking about me getting married so young to children's dad (I was 17). She also voiced that she felt sad that she could not protect me from hurt. A very long letter, I never knew she felt like I was still her little girl.....makes me sad that I never knew she felt that way. She acted just the opposite. Makes me sad, so sad. But then, she probably did not know that I wanted to protect her from hurt as well and that I felt she was almost my child to protect at the end. So many things that were left unsaid....Love You Connie.....I miss Robbin....where are you Robbin?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Kelly, you are in the right place...yes, the high'sa low's. Like a roller coaster ride. I am sorry about the loss of your mom, mom's are a huge loss even though we had differences (all of us here). It's a mom/daughter thing...the argueing and the deep love. Kind of a love/hate thing at times. I read the book "My mother, myself" great book and so true. My mom's cancer went to her bones at the very end and being a nurse (not anymore) I knew it was the most painful of all cancer's. My mom was in terrible pain, fentanyl patches, morphine you name it we tried it. Like you I wanted my mom to be up and healthy....and yes, I was mad about it too. To be quite honest with you I was angry the entire time. Angry with my mom being sick, angry that she could not get well, angry at people who I felt let me down, angry at God, angry at life,angry at death, angry with Joe Shmoe at the store...angry with everything. It has somewhat subsided but I still feel anger. It comes and goes. One hour I can feel melancholy and accept it...the next weeping and questioning life and my spiritual beliefs, just one emotion to the other. Like you and a lot of us with our careers we have to be disciplined in our work or it could lead to disasters for other people. That alone puts on a huge amount of stress as you well know. Welcome to our board...Dee

[groy58]

Kelly, I am praying for you and your family in the loss of your mother. WELCOME to the safety net! This is truly how I have come to think of this very special group of people that have given me the outlet to express however I am attempting to deal with the loss of my own mother (she passed away November 4, 2005). I am proud to feel that I have come to know some very special souls . I never participated in any message board conversations in my life prior to this, but I will tell you that one night in a fit of desperation I stumbled across this site and have since realized that it was my destination and the others here have brought me much comfort in my time of sorrow and have understood when I could not share what I was feeling with anyone else. I know how you feel about returning to work. I too work in a position of responsibility and I know that many people rely upon me. For me this is very hard to do when I feel like I am just trying to get a grip on my own new reality. But I continue to get up each morning and give it my best shot, as I am sure you do also. I know that we will all survive this pain but none of us will tell you that it is easy, take it day to day even hour to hour or second to second.

Dee, girlfriend I am so thankful that your daughter is home. I also want to thank you for being the kind and caring person that you are. It seems to me that whenever a new person comes here you are here with open arms and loving understanding to let them know they are welcome. I am glad to hear you joined the gym. I have stated going so I can deal with the stress and hopefully be healthier in the process. I went to a great water exercise class tonight of course you know it turned out to be the coldest night we have had in a long time, burr….. smile. I can not wait to hear more of the book you started. I too had those feelings of protecting my mother from harm and I have wrestled with myself because I know I could not protect her from death but girl I think I was really trying to. I know that sounds selfish but I really wanted her to have only the best. She like your mom started her adult life way to early (she had me when she was only 15 years old , maybe why we were so close like sisters instead of mother and daughter). I felt like I wanted her to be proud of me and show her all the finer things in life that she missed due to the sacrifices she made to raise all her children. She would give us, you anyone the shirt off her back if you were in need. I would give her money and she would quietly pass it on to someone else she felt needed it more. Boy, I miss her so much.

Connie, “Everyday is a new lesson, as long as we walk this earth. Don't let it linger too long in your heart. Where she was then is over. Where she is now is what's important, her peace, her renewal of mind, body and spirit. Also, time to renew yourself, mind, body and spirit”. Your words are simply beautiful, how profound. Girl so glad to hear you had such a wonderful weekend with your husband, I wish you many more, smile.

Jenny, Robbin, I miss you both. I am praying for you daily. Hope to hear from you soon.

Joseph, Tara, Ranae and the others that have come here in my absence, I know that your way seems full of questions and sorrow. I sometimes feel I am in a darkness that will never pass. Yet with the help of good friends and Gods continuous grace and mercy I know that we will all survive and hopefully become stronger and better people than we were when we started on this journey.

I will close now and try to get prepared to face it all again tomorrow.

My love to all of you,

Giselle

[clittlelady]

KELLY:

Welcome to our message board. I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your precious Mother. Just know, that this is a place where you can come and just pour it out when you need to. This is a place when someone tells you "I understand what you're feeling or going through", they truly mean it. My little Mother has been gone since August 30th, 2005, four months. We are all in different phases of our grief here. This has been a vital part of my begining to heal. I wish there were something that I could say that would take away your hurt, but unfortunately, it's what we have to go through. And you will get through it. You're not alone. We share good memories and sometimes sad ones. Whenever you want to share more about your Mother, I'd love to hear about her. I pray God will give you strength to get through this. I vowed I would never be the same after losing my Mother. The huge void left in my heart and soul hunger for just one more hug, just one more laugh, just one more day. However, that's my flesh wanting. My heart knows my Mother is in a better place and is not suffering anymore.

God Bless you. We're here. I'm here.

Connie

[clittlelady]

GISELLE: Good to hear from you. Thank you for all your prayers and support for myself and everyone here. I believe that is what gets us through.

The Words.... they're his. My heart.... it's his.

Talk to you later. I'm at work... Got to run.

Connie

[clittlelady]

DEE:

You know, I said I've been contemplating a career change, just wanted to wait and give myself some mental mending time. My heart has always been in nursing. I was a medical transcriptionist for thirteen years and worked both in the hospital setting and private neurologist. I've typed everything from ER reports to operatives, all areas, even to transcribing autopsies. So I already have a general terminology and anatomy base. But more than that, since going through all I did with my Mother, and encountering some less than desirable medical staff, I just feel the passion and need. I've never been to college though and am scared to death, not that I can't do the curriculum, just of the "Younger" crowd. What I do now for a living as a court reporter, now requires a mandatory college degree. I was grandfathered in, as I was hired one month before this law was passed and actually learned on the job. My passion would be to work with terminally ill, oddly as that sounds I guess, I would consider it a privilege to see someone through their last days and help them maintain as much dignity as possible and let them know true compassion. I'm not sure how this will all turn out, but I'm thinking next fall to start. My counselor said to give myself at least a year to get through my mourning before undertaking a vigorous schedule. But that is in the back of my mind. This Job is totally unrewarding. Even though I've done it for fourteen years, I just feel like I need to give something of myself to others, not just do a job.

I think your time with the wolves is some of you major healing time, spiritual rejuvenation, jump start into the future. It sounds so magnificent. I almost envy you. How many people can say they've had that sort of involvement with one of God's most awsome creatures. Please keep me informed. Love to hear your stories.

Hope and pray all goes well for you and yours this weekend. Love Ya.

Connie

[clittlelady]

TARA: Miss Ya. I know your busy, hope to hear from you soon.

ROBBIN: What's up Girl? Still waiting to hear from you. Miss your spirit.

JOSEPH: Hellooooooooo? Hope you're okay today. Just wishing to hear from you. You have a special place in my heart. I want to hear more about your mother. What she looked like. What you loved the most about her. Your special memories. Keep them alive by sharing them Joseph. Your Buddy, Connie

[tara12]

Hello ,

I been here , but just reading more than posting and thinking about things i guess.... joesph , i think i wanna ask have u thought to go see a counsleor for a while , cause it feels like u got a lot of stuff that a counselor really could help u get through a lot faster than trying to do it alone and come here , still come here , of course , but then i feel like you will get through waht feels like a lot of suffering and beating up fo yourslef quicker than just comig here and doing it alone like u are.......... really , try it , u can find good people , its not wierd and sometimes if you look in phone book u can fnd one for free , especially for grief , or through your doctor if u have one > ?

I am well , im still tired a lot and have too much too do , but i am ok ... although i been restless a lot and agaitataed and thinking too much ... i dont know , its 2 mths now , since mum died and it feels different now , distant and weird .. and yet i do feel different . changed ..... of course i guess......

i am struggling abit with work and my energy and all i have to do , i also feel like i dont know , like i wanna understand everything more , over suffering , .. hard ot explain .........

anyway ,

be well

sorry i am a bit flat

[tara12]

WOLVES , WOW , SOUNDS GREAT DEE........ FAR OUT .. TELL MORE

CLITTLE , working with terminally ill , dying , yeah ... i did that , i will never forget the people and the experiences i had , i was i think a bit young , like 22 , but anyway ........ it helped me a lot and i understand your desire to do this and help people , i feel it still and i know helped me be with my mum ....... but yeah its heavy as well , no matter how u look at it and moving and real and deep . i think yes definetly NOT NOW , your couselor is right , wait at least a year , at least , maybe MORE.......... not sure . just sit and watch this desire to do this for while......and see... read maybe though for a while instead , try stephen levine , and ram dass , books , quite a few , they do great work with death and dying and living ...........

i feel like you , i think this is poartof the journey , this restless feeling about what are we DOING ????????? AND WHY ???????????? I FEEL A BIT LOST I THINK LATELY ......... oh well, it will be ok.

talk soon

[deewithgreeneyes]

Giselle...glad to hear from you, you're such an awesomeperson. I worry though, I agree, the gym is a good place to work out anger, frustration etc. Please take care ofyourself though, sometimes during gried we all have a time when we gon on adrenalin only....bad place to be and it will wear you out physically. When I was in nursing they usd to say when people lost a loved one (close loved one like our mom's) people around them get ill as well. Take care of yourself.

Connie...did you know the average age of nurses is 50 years old? In school you will find MANY middle aged people such as ourselves in class. Widows, divorcee's, mid life change of career. My daughter is in nursing school and has worked out a plan with a locl hospital there. She signs a contract to work with them for 2 years. During those 2 years they pay for child care and she get's a salary to boot while she is in school. Obvioulsy no hands on...must go with the class curiculum , for example, your lab...venapucnture, injections etc. vocational nursing is great as well. I started out as a LVN then went for my RN many years later when the kids were older. In my nursing career I haveworked pediatric oncology, industrial medicine, cardiology, family practice, and OB/GYN. They rotate your from floor to floor when you are doing your internship as well. I got out of nursing about 3 years ago due to my disillusionment in medicine. It was (at my nursing school years) we had to come to class dressed in white pants (no scrubs) or a dress (nursing uniform for both) at our graduation we all had our caps signed. Do they wear caps anymore? I have never seen them. So anyway, I always wanted to be a veterinarian, had a chance to persue it in my way younger days but chose to marry children's father instead. No regrets...would never had my 2 wonderful kids if I would have chose the other path. So, I am persueing the veterinary field now at my age. Yes, it is scary, I am with a bunch of young "whipper snappers" (smile) but my brain and experience can give me an edge at some of the times I need it (smile). I hope you have a good day, any thing I can do to help or encourage let me know. You would be perfect for nursing...or perhaps starting a grief counseling support group. You would be great at that as well. There are a lot of choices for you, I would love to help....Dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

Tara: I don't know what is happening with this damn key board but my typing sucks! Guess that is why I was never a secretary.(smile)

I know the feeling of that distant restless thing that arises. It drives me crazy at times. What am I doing? what is it for? Well sweetheart, I know one thing. We are only here once in our life. We have lost our mom's. They have died. We will die too. I want to experience in life the things I have a passion for before I die. I want no regrets. I should have done this...or I should have done that...I am feeling myself become very selfish with MY WANTS and MY NEEDS. Of course, never selfish where my family suffers from it, but selfish in the terms of I'm going for what I want. I have to start shopping this week for all the gear I need, backpack, sturdy hiking boots, heavy jackets, etc. The first couple of days we will be in classroom for presentations, slides, visual aids, discussions and hands-on lab each afternoon. The lab will be giving physical exams, monitoring TPR's, documentation of my work. We will then be practicing the following days of drug delivery systems and wolf capture techniques.

The next few days will be chemical immobilization on some wolves and capturing, restraining, vaccinating, halth checks on 18 wild wolves and work out a field plan for this process. The check ups take about 5-6 hours. Physically hard on wolves and handlers. The following days we will be shifting wolves to different enclosures then into vet pens. After all this the wolves will be released back to where they came from. They ar wild wolves and will stay wild. Just need to be checked up on. We will be tagging, tatooing, DNA blood draws etc. Some will have radio collars on them as well.

I want to do this with all my heart and soul. I want to research their packs, their travel, their behavior,their social structure, everything. I want to educate the public, give public talks and tell stories to children around campfires etc. I told my kids that if something should happen to me be glad for me that I was doing what I loved. When I do this research I can be on my horse as well.....what better thing for me to combine my love of riding in the open and my wolves...that's heaven to me. Love you, Dee

[tara12]

DEE ,

I am so excited about your work with wolves , how wonderful , sounds fantstic and sucha great thing to be doing , hard as it will be . wolves I know are very special and at one point i knew someone else near michigan who worked with wolves... HE TOLD ME A LOT ABOUT THEM and how similar to humans they are in terms of benavious in pack and such....

where are you doing this and when ,soon it sounds like.... WOW TELL ME MORE.

I am going to be in the usa next year from july for 12 mths doing my research and I like u am getting very self focused now , cause like u , i do not want to waste what is given me and want to go for it ... I will be filming and trvelling , its all pretty exciting ......... I am well and moving on ......

be well and tell me more ........

[deewithgreeneyes]

Leaving for Montana next week for one week. I am excited and yes, in Michigan there is a large wolf population expanding. Again, yes, wolves are very social in nature and have a strong family, social structure, very much like ours. Wolves even grieve, a grieving wolf is a very sad thing to see, so much emotion. They are monogamous as well. Occasionally a wolf who lost it's mate will find another but it is not the usual. They are incredible animals. A wolf has 2,000 pounds of pressure in their bite (adult) and their teeth can sever bone. Yet, they are not aggressive, not really. Also, people don't know this but all the ranchers having friggen fits over the loss of their livestock are REIMBURSED for every head of livestock taken. About 1% is the loss. Still, the hatred goes on. Thank you for your interest. I get with the wolves and a spiritual serenity comes over me. i never forget they are wild animals and are not domesticated, I have a healthy respect for their wild nature..yet really have no fear around them. I have an Indian friend who has a rehab place for wolves and the first time I went out to visit the adolescent pack took right to me. She was watching and encouraged me to continue in this. Honestly, she said it was the first time in all her years around wolves that she had seen an entire pack accept someone they had nevr been around. She said they read something in my soul..a gentleness, yet great strength. Made me feel kind of good you know? that was many years ago and I have never forgot that expereince. What are you researching? tell me all about it...

[josephb]

today i talked to the director of nurses at the nursing home and that really helped as she said i could go down there for counseling.we talked about my moms condition in her last few months and i plan on going down there and talking to her face to face to set up a memorial service.right now i am in a daze so my head is not real clear and i have been putting it off.i tried to get a hold of her doctor and he is supposed to either call me or talk to the nursing director and she will ask the questions that she could not answer.i was listening to a song today and out of no where i start crying and screaming i guess certain things trigger that response same thing happened while i was going through her stuff.i have really been looking at my life and wondering what is the point?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Joseph, I hope you take all of our advice and go talk to a counselor who specializes in grief. When you ask "whatis the point?" what is the point of what? to go on living? or what is the point of life if you are going to die anyway? that last question I asked myself too. What is the point of life, if you are going to die anyway? I myself came up with the point of life is to give back to it, not take from it. We get what we give out. As I posted in my last post...I am going to be selfish and go for all the things I want out of life. I may not get it all and I may not get it right now but hopefully with perserverance, luck and a will to live I will accomplish what I want. Yes, things trigger it off. My mom has been gone for 6 months now. I finally got her plaque for her vault....I broke down crying and yelling too. Your're OK and you're normal....believe me.

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: It's good to hear from you. I've been worried about you. It sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction, for the counseling. I'm glad you're planning the memorial service. I think that's a good thing. What's the Point? I agree with Dee on taking chances now and living now. Joseph, all the debatable questions of the meaning of life and where's and why's, we could spend our whole life caught up in those. But if we do that, we're wasting precious time. I think I told you I've lost a brother twenty five years ago. He was 37. Had a horrible motorcylce accident. Died after two weeks of being in a coma. I realized then and everyday after that, I'm living one more day that he would have loved to had the chance to live. The fact remains that death is ultimately a part of life. It is how we choose to look at it that answers your question. If you look at death as the end, eternally, then it is quite sad indeed. But even so, as Dee said, you get out of life what you put into it. I've learned a lesson, at a very expensive cost. I've learned that I cannot depend on anyone else, ANYONE ELSE, for MY happiness. No matter how much love you have for someone, you can't seek your happiness or existence from them. Your point in this life, your purpose, is what you choose it to be. You can get up every day and say, I'm going to make a difference in this world, because it IS a messed world and I can do my part to make someone else's life a little easier. If you can determine that within yourself, you will in turn begin to feel something inside that answers your own question. If I get to feeling down on myself or everything around me, I go do something for someone else, something that seems trivial to me, but is a huge need met for someone else. We all have a part to do. What's your passion? Do you have one? What's something in your heart that you've always wanted to do, but never have? Please take your YOUTH, your HEART, your TIME and use it positively. What you're feeling is normal feelings. Grief is an enormous monster who will consume us, IF we allow it. You ARE strong enough to overcome this and get through it. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. There is happiness out there for you. What's the point? You're here for a reason. That's the point. Love you Joseph. I'm here.

Connie

[clittlelady]

DEE: I'm sure going to miss you when you're gone, but will be thinking of what a wonderful experience you're having and yes, a little bit of envy. Thank you for all your supportive and encouraging words about nursing. You have accomplished so much already and yet continue to blaze a new trail, what an exciting example you are. There is hope for me!!! lol... I'm on my way to court... hope to chat later. Have a good day.

Connie

[clittlelady]

ROBBIN: WHERE are youuuuuuu?

[clittlelady]

TARA: You're really sounding good. I'm glad you're focusing on you. It seems we've really on corresponded for a short time, but yet you've shared, we've shared so much. Such a tender spot in our lives. Thank you for all your encouragement you given me. I'm looking forward to hearing more good things. Got to run now. Work calls. Love ya.

Connie

[clittlelady]

GISELLE: How is going, being back at work? Thinking of you.

Connie

[tara12]

hello ,

yes trying to be focused , was going to start yoga this week , but everyday dont , always a reason , but maybe that is ok ... maybe next week... i think it is important to rememeber to be gentle and not push too hard and i reckon i am doing enough actually and doing damn well to keep any of it together ... i spent a lot of yesterday doing my ethics for uni , so thats happenig , i am working hard , what more can i do , except try work on my mind and heart and stay present and get centered when i feel unstable........... as we all do when grief is around , when death comes ......

JOESPH , I AM GLAD U GOING TO counselor , and alos think to suggest do PHYSICAL THINGS A LOT , RUN , WALK , SWIM , BOX , WRESTLING , MARTIAL ARTS , AIKIDO , ANYTHING BASKET BALL ... DO IT and a lot of it ............. MAKE YOURSLEF ....... OK.......... I GUARATEE THIS WILL HELP U A LOT

it will make u breathe , it will exhaust u , and it will raise endorphins and u will feel so much better , i guaratee , money back .......... ok. do it . I am telling u .......... ok ........ u do it and comer and tell us after a week if u feel better or not ..........

your young , no excuses not to do it NONE.

OK THATS BOSSY ME , BUT I KNOW ITS RIGHT , SO TRUST ME AND JUST DO IT EVERY SINGLE DAY ,TWICE A DAY IF U CAN , AND ANY TIME U FEEL BAD , do something ..... push ups , anything , mow the lawn , ( hell come mow mine)..... move your energy ...

love

[swede1]

Dee,

I'm lost on this board now, it's been so long, but I see you're going to work with wolves, and I wondered if you'd ever read "Animals As Teachers and Healers" by Susan Chernak McElroy? I think you would like what she's said regarding wolves, and all other beings who share our earth-plane here. Michael W. Fox, the VP of the Humane Society of the U.S., has this to say about the book:

"The ultimate importance of this book is to elevate the status and significance of animals in society, which is long overdue for the good of the animals, and for humanity." Ms. McElroy also made one of the clearest and concise statements I think I've ever read about our relationships to other species, one I've carried in my head ever since:

"Either ALL death is important, or NO death is important." My suggestion is that you try and read this book ( it's not very big ) before you go to do your work with them ~ I think it will enrich your experience beyond measure.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Swede 1, thanks so much...I will go get the book. I love to read and this sounds very good to me. Thanks again. I hope all is well with you and things are going smoothly. I will try and take pictures on a digital and maybe I can figure a way to send them to you guys. Thanks again.

Tara...good to see you are fighting to stay going. You are right the exercise makes you feel better. I will be going to the gym tonight myself. Trying to get things done here and go in the evening. I actually look forward to going and taking out my agression and anger there by using the weight machines etc. I keep picturing my emotions....it gives me a good workout. Have a good day!

[clittlelady]

Hey Guys... I'm just pouring out right now. Don't want to tell anyone else. I've been having some sudden problems with my back, haven't been complaining about it, just can't hardly get up and down and feel very sick to my stomach with the pain some days. I went to see my doctors a few weeks ago and he did full spinal x-rays. Gave me "pain pills and muscle relaxers", which I've been reluctant to take. However, this last week, had to rely on them everyday just to get through my long days at work. Pain is getting worse. Have to get up at night and sleep in the recliner. His office called me and had me to come back in yesterday. He said the radiologist "found something" and want to do an MRI Monday. I don't know what to think. He wanted me to take some corticosteroids, but I haven't filled that RX as I'm trying desperately to be healthy and lose weight. Don't want to puff up. I tried to get him to be more specific about the "something" part, but he said we just needed to get the MRI done and wait and see. Well I really don't know what to think. Not telling anyone here. I'm a mover and a doer, can't stand being slowed down. Got to admit, I'm concerned. I know whatever it is though, it's out of my hands.

Connie

[groy58]

Connie

First let me say I am praying that you will have your test and find that all is well. I know you do not want to slow down but sometime I believe that God stops us in our tracks to humble us and make us listen. I hope that you will decide to tell someone there what is going on and at least have them go to the testing with you on Monday for support. You know I would go with you but I don’t think I can get there in time, smile. All joking aside I feel that someone should know, it’s OK to play that strong I can do this by myself role at times, but I do not think that with everything that has gone on you need to risk going through this alone. Please take very special care of yourself my friend.

Everyone

Work is exhausting. I can not wait until 5p.m. everyday. I really think that I am with Dee and Connie and ready to find something new. Where I can feel like I am doing some real good in this life. I have accepted the fact that I will be someplace else by the end of this year God willing.

I have been reading about Angels, has anyone else read anything interesting on this subject? If so would you please share the web site or book title with me?

Dee when are you leaving? Will you be able to be on-line? I know that you will do great. You have great wisdom to share with the others.

I hope this little story will make you all smile. I attended my first Pilates class last night. The instructor was fabulous. She is 62 years old and in better shape than I can only hope to be someday. Well she told me that in Pilates you use your core to strengthen your body. So I huff, puffed and giggled as I almost fell over attempting to keep up with the class and not look like I was a total clumsy mess. Well today at work several people with good intentions said Giselle you look like you are moving slowly. My reply “I’m OK my core is just sore”, Ha…...

Has anyone heard from Robbin or Jenny? I miss them also.

Joseph how are you today? Any new progress to report? Sounds like you are headed in the right direction for working through this grief process.

Tara, I love to read your post you are so driven. Please keep your head up.

Kelly and Renae, I want you to know that we are all with you during this time, hope to hear from you soon.

I continue to have bouts of overwhelming sorrow, when I do not know how I will wake up and face tomorrow. Then I remember all of you guys and your loving mother’s and I gain strength in knowing that you are here with me.

As always praying for and with you all.

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Giselle...Ain't that the truth, I love coming here to the board to hear from my friends, really look forward to it. It especially helps when my emotional roler coaster starts and the lonliness starts in. It is a constant reminder when I read our posts that I am not insane......I am really proud of you to take on the Pilate fitness, you will be a knock out in a few months. I have seen the results and they seem to happen quickly. I have not done the pilates thing, I am doing curves right now. I thought I would give it a month of disciplined regime and diet and see how it works. I have been going 5 days a week. Haven't sen any changes yet, still see the "harpoon that whale" in the mirror (smile). I am 15 pounds overweight and on a short person like me you can add a zero to that number...that is how heavy I feel.

Connie....read your post glad you could share with us. The "something" could be many things...disc, herniated disc, sinovial sac problem...lots of things. I do understand your concern. If I may share something with you....My daughter is 28...terrified of the big C getting her, I am terrified also, my son is terrified, all of us (the people that I know and knew mom) all seem to fear the worst with different symptoms. I am concerned for you and will be praying for my friend that it will be alright...Iam also praying for your peace of mind until you see the doctor. Please keep us posted, and are you sure that you don't need someone to lean on? Seems that you have fought quite a battle with your mom and trying to keep things good for your family...even a warrior needs rest and support from his fellow warriors. I hate to think of you going it alone. Love, Dee

[josephb]

my mom was a very outgoing person with jet black hair(i dont know too many people with black hair) and green eyes,she would always joke around and could make anyone laugh.she was very much for animals rights and was a vegan.she love the sea as her dad and my papaw served in the navy and worked with submarines.she had a tattoo of an anchor with a boat wheel infront of it and another tattoo of Poseidon the mythlogical god of the sea

that is all i can think of for now

more later

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: Black hair with green eyes, I've always envied women with those colors. I bet her complexion was beautiful too. A sense of humor and a love of animals. Joseph, she sounds like someone I would have loved to have known. I guess I'm going to ask a nosy question, but where were her tattoos? My husband was in the Navy and he has several tattoos, I've always teased him that I wanted to get his initials tattooed on me, but I just can't rake up the nerve to do it. I went with a friend to get her tattoo when we were in Florida one summer. She got a little dolphin on her hip. Seemed like it hurt as she used a few profanities, lol.

What kind of music did she like?

I'm glad you chose to share her with us.

Joseph, I'll share with you what I did for my Mom when she died. I got a poster board, the thick one, and found a collection of photos from different points of her life. Youth to elderly, her first trip to the ocean at 58, photos with different grandbabies, Photos of her when we lived in the Colorado mountains, just special occasions and made a memory board with them. I wrote a poem for her and attached it to this board. I trimmed it up with a little lace and put it on an easel. I sat up a little table in front of it with some personal items of hers that were special to her, her bible, her glasses, her beads she wore and a framed, 8x10 photo of her when she was young and beautiful. It seemed therapeutic for me to be able to honor her that way.

Tell us more, whenever you feel like it. Talk to you later.

Connie

[clittlelady]

GISELLE: I have a wonderful book at home (I'm at work right now) about angels and it's primarily composed of stories of personal accounts of people who have had contact with angels. It's very heartwarming and inspirational. I'll get back to you with the title and author. To you and DEE: I just feel so inside myself right now with anything about me, personally, now since Mother has been gone. I feel so many people saw me inside out and I've never felt so vulunerable and exposed. I let ME out of the bag here, more than anywhere else right now. My husband is so dear to me, but I feel like he's rode this rollercoaster with me and held my hand the whole way. I just hate to add anything else. I don't want to worry him. I'm sure it will be fine, probably just a bad disk or something. I'm not going to worry about it. No need to. Things are what they are, right? We've all learned that. Love you Guys.... Talk to you later.... Really have to work now... SMILING>>>>>>

Connie

[clittlelady]

GISELLE: I have a wonderful book at home (I'm at work right now) about angels and it's primarily composed of stories of personal accounts of people who have had contact with angels. It's very heartwarming and inspirational. I'll get back to you with the title and author. To you and DEE: I just feel so inside myself right now with anything about me, personally, now since Mother has been gone. I feel so many people saw me inside out and I've never felt so vulunerable and exposed. I let ME out of the bag here, more than anywhere else right now. My husband is so dear to me, but I feel like he's rode this rollercoaster with me and held my hand the whole way. I just hate to add anything else. I don't want to worry him. I'm sure it will be fine, probably just a bad disk or something. I'm not going to worry about it. No need to. Things are what they are, right? We've all learned that. Love you Guys.... Talk to you later.... Really have to work now... SMILING>>>>>>

Connie

[clittlelady]

SORRY, DIDN'T MEANING TO DOUBLE CLICK.....

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie...I do understand how you feel. Thank you, it makes me realize how I have been feeling..good way to describe it. This is what I have ben saying about you, you are very in-tune with your feelings....and help people get in tune with theirs. You know we are all here for you and I understand. Have a good day, Love, Dee

[groy58]

Connie, Dee and Everyone

I know that it is really late and you will probably not read this post until later on Saturday but I am experiencing it right now and felt I have received a message that I must share with you all. I wrote in an earlier post to you all that I have been doing some reading on Angels and such has been the case tonight. Well I was reading an account simply titled Psalm 91 (I am going to try a copy and paste it here for you all to read). After reading it I took out my mother’s bible and low and behold she had that very Psalm marked and verse 11 underlined (I think she wants me to know this and I want to share it with you).

Psalm 91: verse 11 – For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all his ways.

I have such a feeling of peace and comfort at this particular moment. I hope that it will do the same for all of you!

I hope you like this story as much as I did.

Love and Peace to your spirit,

Giselle

Psalm 91

The following true story that I'm about to share with you is my testimonial to the Lord's incredible powers, a miraculous healing that the doctors could not explain, and which I believe had something to do with my reading Psalm 91 that gave me the strength to face my illness. After being diagnosed with CAD in May 1996, I was advised that I needed triple bypass surgery as soon as possible. My oldest daughter at this time told me to start reading Psalm 91, which I did and still read daily. I prolonged this surgery because I had advised my cardiologist that I wanted a second opinion. I just could not believe this was happening to me, even though I was having chest pains daily, and short of breath all of time, I could not face the fact that I needed open heart surgery! I had been taking care of my father since 1991, who also had a heart condition. I scheduled an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic with another heart specialist, and my heart cath film was sent there. I missed the appointment. My primary care doctor pleaded for me to have the surgery. In September 1996, she told me if I did not have the surgery I could have a massive heart attack at any time, because I had one artery in my heart that was almost 100% blocked. I told my doctor, "I'm not afraid to die, and if it is God's will to take me, so let it be." I also told her I had no one to help take care of my father, and I would have to wait until the following year so that I could take my vacation, and get someone to care for my dad. But, my condition could not wait that long. By October 1996 I was really feeling bad!!! I could hardly walk without being out of breath, and my chest pain became almost unbearable. I had to go in to see my doctor, and immediately I was wheeled over to the hospital and admitted. I agreed to the surgery, which they had scheduled for October 8. On October 4, 1996 I awoke at 3:00 AM. At 3:10 AM my door opened and this tall, big man came in my room. I never saw his face, and all I could see was his white jacket, he scared me because of his physical built, and that he did not turn the light on. He immediately said, "Hi Cynthia, I was in earlier and you were asleep, I was waiting for you to wake up." He came over to my bed and touched my right arm, and then proceeded to take my blood pressure. He again spoke and said, "So, your going to have another heart cath done in the morning", I answered, "Yes, and I was scheduled to have triple bypass surgery on Tuesday." He told me then not to worry about anything, and that everything was going to be okay! I told him that was easy for him to say, because I was the one that was having surgery. He again replied to me, "not to worry about anything". I did not know how he saw the blood pressure reading; because the light was off I could not see it myself.

When he was finished, he started walking out of the room, and again he told me not to worry about anything and everything was going to be all right! As he opened the door to leave my room, I got this "strange" feeling about him. I immediately got up from my bed and went out into the hall to find him. I walked up and down the hall and could not find him!!! The place where they usually have your medical records outside the room in which they write down everything that they do was not there, and the board was up into the wall. I went back into my room and stayed awake until they came to take me to the heart cath room.

After inserting the cath into my artery in my leg, and the dye, and other things, I started asking questions about my heart because I was looking at my heart in the monitor. As my cardiologist was answering my questions, he suddenly had a "surprised" look on his face. I ask him was something wrong. He replied, "I cannot explain what happened here." He immediately left the table; I then ask the nurse, "Where did he go." They said he probably went to look at the other film from my last heart catherization. When he came back to the table he stated, "I cannot explain what happened, but your condition can be treated medially instead of surgically, and your no longer a candidate for bypass surgery." All I could say was, "Thank you, Lord."

After being taken back to my room, the heart surgeon who was supposed to do my surgery came in, and also said, " I cannot explain what happened to you, all I know is that you had a artery that was almost 100% blocked, and now it is no longer blocked." The nurse that was on the floor during the day came in and hugged me and said, "It's been a miracle." I was hesitate to tell anyone about my visitor in the morning. I thought they would look at me like I was crazy. I told my daughter about it and she said, "Mom, you had a visitation from an angel, and the Lord wants you tell everyone." I was able to go home and continue taking care of my father until he passed away in Feb. 1997. I did tell my story to different people, some people gave me some strange looks, but it did not matter. At times I wondered if what happened really happened. In 1998 I had to have eye surgery. As I was in the recovery room I saw my medical record book on the table. I got up to look through the pages. A nurse came up and asked if she could help me find whatever I was looking for. I advised her that I wanted to see what nurse came into my room at 3:10 AM on October 4, 1996. As we found the record, the last notation was at 2:30 AM, the nurse wrote down that I was asleep! I told the nurse that someone came into my room at 3:10, and took my blood pressure. But that was not in the hospital record book.

I continue to read Psalm 91 daily, and I should have memorized all the words by now, but I still have to open the bible and read this psalm. And as I continue to read the words, "and under his wings you will find refuge", and he will "command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." I feel very blessed that God sent one of his angels to take care of me at a time of my life when my father's well being came before my own. In conclusion, being touched by an angel changed my life, so whether you choose to believe my story or not to believe is up to you.

But ...try reading Psalm 91 for a month, and see if your life will be changed as mine was.

A Believer

[josephb]

my mom was a big fan of bruce springteen and she also liked roy orbison(sp?),ozzy obourne,kingston trio,stone temple pilots,johnny cash,guns n roses,alice in chains,eric clapton,john mellancamp, and queen. i could go on and on but she pretty much liked classic rock

as for her tattoos she had the god of sea on her botton side of right forearm and she had the anchor and boat wheel on her left ankle

i still cannot comprehend that i will never see her again

[tara12]

Hello ,

not feeling good today , lots anger , woke up with it , feel empty and sad and mad at people ...... taking that is all they seem to do , and i am so sick of it ........ did dum things this morning , lost a lot of money in the process , stupid , will take a month to recover , why dont i learn and waht a waste and selfish as well and no kind solution and is not help .. i tend t blow out when angry and feeling abandoned and i have so much work and ao much to do that doing this was so dum dum dum...... i am amd at myself , i feel empty , lost , i dont know , feels like noone ever cares around me , friends cmae over unexpected yesterdya , stayed and watched movies i rente d, I amde them food , coffee , they left , left a mess ...... feels like this is how it is , they jsut use me ....... i hinted , be nice to have dinner at their homes? never happens , but twhen they feel like it and need a break , its my home they callin to ...

always the same ........ what to do ........

then another friend , his wife was away for a week , this other friend calls and says to me dont forget , so and so ,he may be alonley while , his wife is away , take him dinner or somehting, ect.... which i did , but i felt like saying , YEAH and where were all ofu when my mum died? did anyone think of what i might need? did anyone call anyone and say hey , maybe she will be sad lets make sure she has comany ? nah ..... only when they want something , then they call or show up.......how come I end up having to be the one who cares for everyone and supplies food and movies and company , and they do nothing for me ? nothing ......... i am so over it and it hurts me to the core , really suxs and what do i do , hurt myself ...... yep really really screwed up this morning , so bad and knew i was ...... i dotn want to do that again , buti do it again and again and kid myself i wont , and when i do its a mess.... oh well.. got to now do damage control and try recover and not beat myself up again and more ..... hopei dont screw it up again , im poor and cant afford this kind mistake , nto to mention how bad it is and selfish and stupid ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, no excuses , its just dum........ i feel so BAD............ ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i have so much on , so much ahead , good things , but im scared and feel alone and like nothing means anything and im tired and grumpy and over it all today ................. and ungrateful , thats bad , causei should feel so grateful to even be alive , i kbnow , but i dont , not today , well i do , but i feel angry i guess , i do not do anger well at all , i hate to be angry hate to feel like this .......... i am going to give up cigs today , have to cause no $anyway ,,,,,,,,,,,, damn

sorry for my winge , iknow itwill be different soon again , i trust that , just need somepain i guess. to feel it a bit , think i spend alot fo time trying to be ok with impossible situations , and be compassionte and understanding when unmderneath i feel anger frustration and sad.......... normal ithink.......

hope your all better than this today ............ wouldnt wish the way i feel on anyone ............ really

[clittlelady]

Giselle: Thanks so very,very much for sharing that story. I believe what you encountered, for what you believed it to be as well. My Mother always said, God is a Miracle Worker!. That was one of her favorites. I will do what you suggested. By the way, the name of the book I have is "A Rustle of Angels" by Marilynn Carlson Webber and William D.Webber. Stories about angels in real life and scripture. Very comforting book. Thank you again For sharing your story with us.

Love Ya.

Connie

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: She and I shared a lot of similarities in music. Good choices. I know Joseph, the finality of it seems all to overwhelming to comprehend. I know.

[josephb]

yeah i basically listen to the same stuff. what do you like connie?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Giselle, what a great story, thanks for sharing it with us. I am glad that it gave you peace, I want that for you. I believe in angels...I can almost feel them when it is quiet and I am not stressed out. I am happy for you.

Connie, hey how are you? I bet you are glad to have the week-end off.

Joseph, I know how you feel sweetie, your mom was definetely of Connie and my generation...great taste in music. I know it is hard to believe she is gone. When you realize it at a moment in time...it hurts. I know.

Tara, sorry you are having a rough time of it. Sounds like what I was feeling several weeks ago, lot's of anger. Where does it come from? I don't know. Just go with the flow my friend, go with the flow.

I had a good day up until the time it was time for me to come back to the house here. Started driving home and did not want to be here. Got depressed again on the ride home. Wanted to share with my mom what I had found in regards to moving...she is not here. I am so depressed I feel like canceiling the wolf deal. Pushing myself to go.I will go but I hate it that my mom is dead. I HATE IT THAT SHE IS NOT HERE.