Loss of a Mother

[clio31]

Robbin-

You call your mom a 'pack rat', wish mine was. She did have all our school report card, awards, trophies, things like that. But she didn't keep anything of her own through the years.

My mother was a majorette in high school, not one momento or photo. She did the beauty pagent thing, there are some photos of that, but none of the ribbons or crowns. I love the fact that my mom cherished our childhood memories and kept everything. Just wish I now had something from hers.

I did tell my grandfather if he came across anything of my mom's when she was a kid, I would like to have it. He did find an old dictionary that she carried to school. From the stories mom told, she wasn't much for school, too much of a free spirit. When I looked at the dictionary she had written her name in childhood block letters, I loved it. I also notice the spine was gone, and said to my grandad 'looks like she realy used this'. Grandad's response was that the spine wasn't broken from use, it was broken because there was a little boy in class that picked on her, so one day when she had had enough, she just wacked him with it. He said 'Your Momma didn't take nothing of noone'.

I don't think he realized how much that story meant to me. I could just picture my mom doing that...she had a brother 8 years younger with some health issues, so she was his keeper of sorts, always made sure he was taken care of and not bullied.

Wow, she was the keeper of the family even way back then!

Hope everyone is finding a little peace tonight. Does seem like all of our Momma's could have been friends. Good thing that your alls could cook though, not one of my mom's strenghts:)

On a lighter not, had another smile tonight. I am a huge pet person, got a new puppy tonight. Sweetest little thing. He (Milo) joins his sister doggie Sadie, and his sister and brother kitty, Phoebe and Flynn.

Thanks again for all this support. After a couple of months of therapy, books, workbooks, trying to do my 'grief work', I have found, without a doubt that this is helping the most. I guess maybe I thought I was a little over the top with my missing my mom, like we were too close, that I loved her too much.

Talking to everyone here has validated my feelings and really does make me feel like I am not all alone.

Robbin, Connie, Dee, Giselle, Rose and all-Thank you. My thoughts are with you as we begin to roll into the new year. May it all be better for all of us.

Jenny

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all...just looking at our board again for more stories of our mom's. Oh yes....the arts and crafts. My mom loved to make paper toll shadow boxes. Norman Rockwell was the one she loved to get prints from, she was a really good artist too. After mom passed both my kids just wanted gramma's paintings. Oh, they did not sell for any money during her lifetime, just sketches she did and some oils. She was so proud of them and we all loved them too. I have some also and when I move I will hang them. Mom liked to sew also....I have 2 sewing machines sitting here. I can't sew a stitich but mom made all kinds of things, she made a lot of those little sock monkeys...remember those? oh yes and cooking....everyone loved my mom's beef stroganoff and brisket. I have a young cousin named Matt and he reminded me of how my mom would make tuna sandwiches for all the kids in the family. It jolted me because my friends told me how they remembered my mom making tuna sandwiches for all of us when we were young. She had a dark blue apron she wore when she cooked. It is still hanging in the door of the pantry. I cannot get rid of it. Funny stories..my mom was terrified of horses, she loved them but was scared of them. Somehow when I was young I managed to talk my parents into getting me a horse when I was 9 years old. I had to pay for feed so I worked at a cemetary trimming headstones. (Long time ago). I have had horses ever since. Anyway, one day I talked my mom into getting on a little mare I had, she was pretty quiet and gentle. Mom got on and the horse spooked at something and went running through an orange grove...mom hanging on to the horn of the saddle all the while yelling "Whoa". Well....up jumped a huge branch and knocked her clean off the horse. I was running to her and she was crawling through the leaves on her hands and knees laughing like hell......she was 62 years old! That was my mom....

[clio31]

In my previous long post, forgot one thing!

Robbin-Love the wall of fame your Mom had. My mom's was the 'hutch' of fame. Had a cherry hutch, instead of being filled with dishes, it was filled with photos of her kids, parents, grandparent, friends, anyone who touched her life.

I kept that hutch, and I put all the photos back on it in my house just the way my mom had them at hers, with one exception, I added my mom's picture, where before it had been absent.

We can keep our mother's spirits alive, and death doesn't mean gone, totally anyway, you all have made me realize that.

Really need to get to bed, I have a long day ahead.

Jenny

[clio31]

Guess I am just full of messages tonight, just one more question. I would love to find a way to help my grandfather deal with what has happened. It is bad enough that I lost my Mom and Grandma, but his lost his wife and only daughter. Maybe if anyone else is in a similar situation, or has some insight, I would appreciate it.

I would really like to find a way to help him in a subtle way, he is 76 years young, and has the philosophy that men don't cry, and he has to just move on with it.

Well, it really is goodnight.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Jenny, my mom had a hutch too, I am sitting right next to it. In her hutch she had her moustache cups and all the little things she collected. And Robbin....mom had a whole wall of pictures too, pictures my son and daughter had drawn when they were in elementary school to high school. I am looking at all of this right now. I am stuck...can't get rid of anything or do anything. This was her home...all of her things. I miss her so much today, words cannot describe how much I loved my mom, words cannot describe how much I miss my mom, I want her back in my life, I want to see her, touch her, look into her eyes. I am looking at a little plaque right now my mom had hanging up for years.It says....If I could only see the road you came, with all the jagged rocks and crooked ways, I might more kindly think of your misstep and only praise. It fit my mom so well, the thing I heard from EVERYONE is my mom never passed judgement on anyone and you know it is true. I don;t think I can recall my mom ever passing judgement on anyone she met. All I have to say tonight is I love you mom and I miss you.....

[groy58]

Ladies

The more you write the more I know our mother's could have all been very good friends!!!! I bet they are in heaven smiling and glad that we have found each other. I forgot to say that my mom was the biggest PACK RAT of them all. She too kept everything. School days picture packages for all six kids. One of my packs had it cost $3.00, can you believe that. track and field day ribbons and medals, newpaper clippings from JFK/MLK era the 60"s. I work for the newspaper so she loved to keep me up on all the breaking news during the day. I would laugh and tell her she was faster than the wire service. Once she was cutting out an obit for a person and I said Ma do we know this person? She looked up at me and said "Girl this is history". Every sunday school promotion any art she could save. Blue bird and cub scout stuff. I think I will someday try to make scrapbooks for each of my siblings. She sure did leave me enough stuff to work with. I know that I only started posting to you all last night, but I want you to know I am so glad I found you! I love each one of you my sisters(Jenny,Dee, Robbin,Connie and all the others that are traveling down this winding path). I call each of you out by name so that our heavenly father will rain blessings down on you.

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Giselle I can't tell you how glad I am that you are with us, we are all together in this grief and our mom's are all together trying to help us through it. I really believe it is not a coincidence that we all ended up here, we chose it for a reason..a big reason..our mother's guided us here. I truly believe that. We are all sisters, I am sure of it. My mom collected all the Kennedy stuff from the 60's too. I have some wonderful books and memorabelia, my parents were Kennedy fans and my mother would buy anything pertaining to JFK, Jackie, Robert...all of them.We will all stick together, I have a feeling New Years Eve and New Years day is going to be hard on all of us. Actually to be quite honest I am dreading New Years Eve. That was the time my mom loved, always looking towards the future with optismism and hopes. I only wish I knew last New Year's she wasn't going to be here this one. Instead I chose to spend it with my boyfriend...big mistake. He's down the road, we had a horrible New Years Eve, I came home crying about 3:00 or 4:00 am, momwas there to comfort me. I took her on New Year's day to see the wolves she loved. I wish I could show you all the picture of her with "Apache". Taken on New Years day. He was an old soul too, 17 years old. Mom and him would walk through the compound together. The Indian lady that runs the wolf compound said my mother had an "old soul" and truly a gentle spirit. She was gentle. When my mom was sick she wanted to see her old wolf again but could not make the trip. I drove and cut some hair off of Apache and put it in her medicine bag. My Indian friends were the only friends I had that were a constant for me. When mom died I braided Apaches hair and put it in a hair clip in mom's hair. I hope that your mom's will meet Apache too when he has his journey to the other side. I know my mom will be waiting for him, she loved him so.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Just me you guys, seeing if anyone was on. I am having a rough night tonight for some reason, can't sleep, even with the codeinecough medicine. My head keeps going over and over things. thinking about last year at this time that mom was right here laughing,in my life...now she is not. I can't understand what is going on with me...at times I feel OK and tonight I feel like I just lost her. Guess I will turn the computer off and get lost in a video. I am scared tonight form some reason but I don't know what I am scared of...I think it is death I am afraid of. I have to admit since mom died it seems like I am worried constantly about getting the big C too. I don't know you guys, I think I am alone to much of the time but I don't want to be with people. I just want to be with people that understand like we understand each other. I was laying in the bath again tonight with the chills and thinking about you all and how thankful I am that we have each other. I feel so detached from "outsiders"...I really think that between seeing my mom die and me at the brink myself when I had the heart attack something happened that put me in another place to quickly. In a matter of 3 days, mom being diagnosed with inoperable and terminal cancer on March 28....3 days later I have a massive heart attack...my health changed, death was staring everyone in the face. My daughter said she is still freaked out about it. She said she was terrified she was going to lose her grandmother and me at the same time. I was afraid I would die before my mom and no one would be there to take care of her. I think my mom gave up after I had the heart attack, she gave up for me. She used to look at me and say "Dee, I am so sorry, you look so tired, please get some rest" or the time I found her on her hands and knees in the bathroom cleaning up an accident she had because she was afraid I was to weak to do it. God that hurt so bad to see her on her hands and knees scrubbing...just tore my heart out. Sometimes those images stay with me and as much as I try to replace them with good images I can't. Tonight, everytime I close my eyes I see my mother laying with her mouth hanging open and hear that horrible breathing. Don't know you guys, maybe I am having a delayed reaction of worry over my daughter's cancer surgery. I don't know....

[clio31]

Dee-

I guess I came into the board on the tail end of your daughters' surgery, didn't realize it was cancer. That has to be scary. I'm sorry that you are having such a bad time sleeping, you definately need rest, especially for your health.

I think my mom chose her time to go as well, after her mom passed in September, she saw how devastating is was on everyone, waiting at her bedside, having to make the decision to remove life support.

It was just a few days after my gramma passed that I had to tell Mom that she wasn't going to get better. My mom always said of life support/CPR etc, that she would always want it, cuz she wouldn't want to leave us, and she would try to have every minute she could.

A day or two after mom and I decided to go with hospice, I saw a big orange sticker on her chart 'DNR' do not resuscitate. It broke my heart. I know she did this so that we would not have to make this sort of decision for her, and so we would not have to agonize like we did with gramma. I think, in a way, she wanted it to be swift. And it was. 24 days. That's all I had between the day my gramma and my momma died.

New Years is going to be hard. We are such home bodies, always to over to gramma and grandads for shrimp on New Years Eve. Grandad's skipping out on New Years this year. I probably will too...

Thinking about you all, and hoping for better days.

Jenny

[deewithgreeneyes]

Jenny...so many losses for you in such a short time, I am so sorry. Seems like it alsways happens that way for a lot of us huh? Shrimp on New Years? Sounds good, I just may do that myself...have some shrimp. Did you all hace a fish fry? tell me a little about that, sounds really nice. I will be spending it alone as well this year and that is OK with me right now. Time to think about the New Year and what I can do to change some things in my life. In the spring, the Native American Song of the Earth congregation I belong to asks us to share about what we contemplated during the winter. Bears hibernate during the winter and come out fresh and rejuvenated for spring....this year I really understand about contemplation during the winter. As you see I am still up have been all night. Like all of us...just want a good nights rest. Have a good day today Jenny...I will be better emotionally soon, just riding out the storm...Love, Dee

[clio31]

Dee-

No fish fry actually. My gramma was very prim and proper, just about everything she did was catered. She would make a few treats herself, potato candy and pumpkin pie were her thing. Other than that, everything was prepared for us.

Usually shrimp on new years eve, and on new years day, we would get the call that there was a big pot of dumplings if we wanted some. Gramma did make those herself.

Every year, they acted like the dumplings were spur of the moment, never got an actual invite, just a quick call saying 'come and get it!'

Christmas Eve at my granddad's was catered this year too, he made sure that he used the same people that gramma did, although we missed the potato candy!

Contemplation...does seem like this is how I spend most of my time. Just heard in the last few days that both of my brothers' are moving back to the area. One is down south in WV, the other is in FL. I know this will help greatly.

They have both expressed so much guilt over moving away (they had both just moved a few months prior to mom's diagnosis)

I think about them alot, not wanting them to feel guilty. One of my brother's says 'I swear Jen, if I knew all this was going to happen I never would have left' I just try to reassure him that no one blames him for leaving. We all have to find our way in the world. The important thing was he came back when mom needed him. He traveled from FL to WV 7 times between June and October, then came back in December to give me a boost. He has nothing to feel guilty about.

Anyway, I really should do some work, I don't believe I get paid to post on this website:)

Feeling halfway decent today...maybe its the new pup. Talk to you soon

Jenny

[clittlelady]

Hello To All My Friends Here. I have so enjoyed the sharing we've done here of our Mothers, honoring their memory, their life. Each one is precious. They are proof to us of how special each day is, how short our life is.

DEE - Hope today finds you feeling better and getting over the crud. I too will be alone New Years Eve. Seems my Husband has had to work most all the holidays this year. He works shift work and if it falls on your shift, you work it. He works in a chemical plant. So.... I'll be here with you off and on through the EVE and New Year. We won't be alone!

Today, my heart is heavy.

Today, I woke up with the realization that THIS DAY marks four months that my Mother passed away. It seems like forever since I held her as she left me. It seems like forever since I was singing her old gospel hymns to her as she just lay there in her home, in her bed, with her eyes closed for eighteen hours with her shallow breathing. Kissing her forehead and telling her that it was okay to leave us, to leave me, that I would see here again some day. Telling her that I would miss her everyday of my life, but that I would always have her with me in my heart and all her teachings. Telling her what a wonderful Mother she had been to her children and how much I loved her for it. Reminding her that my brother Glynn and her parents and brothers and sisters would be waiting for her. Cleaning her up like a baby, making her smell fresh again, knowing she was leaving me soon. Taking her blood pressure every hour to document how her life was leaving her. Her sitter that was with us, an older African/American lady who was like an angel to my Mother AND me had seen many people pass. Her name is Miss Lillie, how I love her. She guided me gently through it all, what to expect, as did the Home Health Nurse. My Mother left me at 8:38 a.m. on a Tuesday Morning, August 30th, 2005. I asked everyone to leave the room, except my one brother that was there. He and I closed the door to her room and he sat next to her as I held her. We stayed in that room with her, until the coroner came and the funeral attendants. I held her hand that was withered with time and life up to my face. The hand that held my cheek and dried many tears from my face through the years. The hand that offered correction when I needed it. At that moment, I knew, I believe, she had just entered a place, a wonderful place of peace, that she had looked forward to arriving at all of her life. My selfish flesh cannot possibly want her back here to suffer the age, weariness and pain that was on her body and had began to take her mind, but I MISS HER from the very depth of who I am. It seems SO LONG ago.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie, I am sorry you are feeling low today, my thoughts are with you. You and your mom loved each other so much, such a beautiful thing. You were playing Gospel music for your mom and I was playing "Enya' for mine. She loved "Enya", she always said she thought it was almost angelic. Much of the way we said our goodbyes were the same. I had to have my mom transported to the hospital the last 6 hours before her death. A hard decision for me because I knew moving her could hasten her death. There were some radical things I can't describe that went wrong at the end for my mom, to ugly to describe and I can't go there right now. I snuck her little chihuahua in her hospitl bed with her. When a male nurse came in to check her BP he just looked at me and smiled. Covered ChiChi up and never said a word. ChiChi the chiuhuaua slept snuggled around my mom's chest. After mom passed I snuck ChiChi out in my huge bag. ChiChi is still with me, 16 years old and losing control of her bladder etc. I promised my mom I would tend to her animals. I am going to let Chichi pass on her time and not have her euthanized. Please know that my thoughts are with you and your mom today Connie.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Jenny, that sounds so good and how lucky you are to have your siblings at your side, so supportive. Your mom would be so proud of all of you, she's talking about you and your brothers right now with the other mom's....I feel it. Oh yes, the guilt. My son feels guilty that he purposefully left before his gramma died. We had discussed it before and I told him it was OK. He had been with us during the whole duration of the time, carried her, fed her, bathed her, combed her hair and it was OK if he did not want to see her gone. He was in the marine corp. at that time just ready to get out. I am sure he saw some pretty bad times, in fact I know he did, he lost his best friend on an attack. Anyway, I am rambling....Now he feels guilty and I wish he wouldn't. I stayed because she was my mom and I am now the matriarch so to speak of the family. I can never fill her slippers but I can try and be an example of pride and dignity like she was. I am going to have shrimp New Year's Eve...Connie...wish you could have it with me. It won't be catered though, can't afford it. Well, I am going to bed again...got the major chills going on.

[septemberspain]

Hi everyone, Sitting back and reading and taking in all that I am learning. I can really feel the love that we share for our mothers and grandmom's and each other. I look forward to spending time here and this is by far the best place for me. I can come here and read, laugh and imagine what each of you are describing about your mom's. And it is such a beautiful experience.

Connie, my heart is with you today. I know all so well what it is like to have one of those days. The kind of day where all your focus and thoughts are on mom. Tears fall and you wipe them away your heart aches but there is nothing to soothe it. The longing to smell her, to touch her to have her call your name. Yes Connie, I go thru those days all the time. And the days when I feel that I can't push forward cause it just hurts, I'll raise my hand and be counted among that too. I think my grief is causing me to experience back spasms and stiffness. I just wish I could take all this away. I know this is the longest time I've ever gone in my 45 years on this earth without hearing her voice and having her to just listen or to tell me that everything is going to be alright.

Dee, I'm hoping that you are feeling slightly better. I know when you are sick a broken heart and spirit don't help much. It feels funny calling you Dee, that's one of my sisters nickname and everytime I write your name my thoughts go to her. Dee, you and my sister Dee remind me of the other. My sister Dee is the sister I really worry about. Her relationship with my mom was on again and off again for so many years. They would go months without talking to each other because they are both STUBBORN as mules. And they were actually mending when all this happened. I can feel her heartbreak but she tries to remain strong and out of all of us she has our mothers fiesty ness (if that's a word). She picked up my mom's pitbull trait ooooh and she defends all of us and she will fight all your battles if you let her. LOL I love her to death with her mean self haha. Dee was born in November when one of the Kennedy's were killed my mom was going to name her Jacquline but that name is too prissy for my sister Dee.

Jenny, I didn't know you only had 24 short days in between. I know that must really be rough. I only hope you can have some comfort. I will keep your grandfather in prayer I feel he must really be spinning. I almost wish that we could be allotted only a certain amount of sadness and grief you know like you can only lose 1 person in your family every few years. I know this may sound crazy, but this is the first time I ever had death this close and up personal. Sure my mothers siblings and my dad lost a brother but they were spread out over the years then we lost 3 relatives all the same weekend my mom was dying.

I don't know if any of you ever had the "death" talk with your mom's growing up. My mom would always talk about her passing as far back as I can remember I would get so angry at her because I didn't want to hear it. I would cry and tell her "that subject" was off limits my father actually wrote his obituary years ago and that sort of put me in a false sense of security. I always imagined my dad would die first because we use to joke all the time that "Mommy is to mean to die" and our father would be the first to die. Funny how that changed I never thought I would be left alone in this world with just him. Sort of ironic maybe I should allow him to be a dad to me. Then again maybe I'm happier the way things are. I just don't think I have the time or energy left to introduce him to my life. I don't have any bad feelings towards him, I just didn't take the time to let him in my world like I did with my mom. I have a lot to be thankful for when it comes to him. I'm just not all that thankful that it's him if that makes any sense.

Ok I'm rambling so.........

I love you guys and I'll be back later

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Am I the only one who feels as if their mom is trying to tell you something. I really get this eerie feeling at times almost like I feel my mom is doing things to make me listen to something she is trying to tell me.

I don't want to appear to be crazy so I'm going to write this out and if someone comments on it it's fine and if no one does that's fine too. Just don't send those people with the white jackets looking for me.

Do you ever feel your mothers presence so strong and feel her over whelm you like you are experiencing life thru her. I have had some experiences happen where it felt like I was her but she was in my body. I would really be interested in knowing what is wrong with me.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hey Robbin! I am calling immediately to have them (the white coats) come and get you. Their coming to take me away haha, they're coming to take me away hoho..to the funny farm where everything is beautiful all of the time...(smile). No you are not crazy, as a matter of fact last night I said I was scared and I didn't know why...you helped me. It is not death...it is as though I feel like the spirit world is all around me trying to tell me things. I actually can almost see my mom at times in the doorway, or feel her standing next to me. I feel something...and it is kind of scary. Not that she would hurt me, just feels weird. Maybe Connie...will be calling to have us BOTH taken away (smile)

[deewithgreeneyes]

Robbin...it just happened.. I kid you not. I looked at my hand and saw my mom's hand....seriously is anyone else having the same thing as Robbin and I? I am going back to bed. Everytime I get up and want to start moving around I get the major chill factor happen....

[groy58]

Hello all

I had to go out today and run some errands I have been putting off all week. Still forgot my dog’s food so back to the store I must go. Seems like I am always forgetting something these days.

Dee I hate that you are continuing to feel so bad. Your rest is one of the most important factors in your healing. I know that is easier said than done in the state we are all in, but you really must try hard. Do you have another doctor’s appointment soon? I almost got back on line last night but took a sleeping pill instead, sorry. I am trying to rest up prior to having to go back to my office on Tuesday. I just seemed to stay drained of any energy that I can muster. I do not want you to be afraid of death. I really believe that it is simply a transition for our soul to our sprit form. I will continue to pray for your daughter’s recovery as well as yours. I know how you feel about going though those last times with your mother. One night I heard my mother call out for me. She was in the bathroom and could not get up. I ran in there and when I tried to help she started to fall to the floor. She was too heavy for me to hold up alone so we both ended up in the floor. Tears just ran down my face because I felt I had let her down. I got up and ran to call my youngest son and my sister to come help me get her back in bed. Did not even cross my mind to call ems. Well we got her back to her bedroom but by morning we realized that she could no longer walk. I think this was the beginning of the end. She spent multiple times in hospital ICU, a nursing home and finally a rehab hospital. Just two nights before she passed she was having hard time breathing. I stayed up with her for sometime that night. Then the next night she seemed fine again, ate dinner with my sister and I, although she did look at us and said “you girls know I am dying right”? Neither one of us wanted to hear this so we just said OK Ma. The next day which was Friday November 4th she was gone by 2:30pm. The ems attempted to save her, they had laid her in the floor in her bedroom and they left her there until the coroner and mortuary came to pick up her body. They only allowed my sister and me in her bedroom. I just sit on the floor beside her and cried and asked Jesus to help me.

Robbin, about two days after my mother’s death I sat straight up in my bed when I heard her call my name at about 2:30am just as clear as day. That was about the time I would check on her every night before I turned in for good. Then I think it was the next day I ran to her bedroom to tell my sister that my television just came on by itself to a news program that mama and I used to watch together. Then finally my sister was in my mother’s bedroom changing the sheets on the bed and my mom’s CD player came on playing a gospel CD buy Yolanda Adams. We laughed at this because my mother would never operate her CD on her own she always made one of us girls do it. Both my sister and I are convinced that our Mama was here for a few days. If you listen I bet your mother will let you know what she needs to tell you.

Jenny, my mama loved Shrimp, steak and French fries for her birthday party each year. We have had many good times centered around that meal. I am sending your grandfather and brothers up in prayer also!

Connie, you were so strong! And I know that all of that courage is still within you. Please know that I feel that we experienced a lot of the same things. I am praying for both you and yours today. Always know there is help for a hurting heart in Gods promise.

Love to all my sisters,

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Giselle...good to hear from you. Thanks for sharing, it must have been extrememly hard for you after the EMS came. That had to have been so hard. I am sorry. i am O.K. just got the flu, like all of us I am just tired and worn down but I am feeling better. I went to the doctor yesterday and got antibiotics and cough medicine. Just tired. I found "Out of Africa", my mom's favorite video. She had "mom's day 5-10-92" on it. Just like a mom huh? little notes and momentos. I put it in and I am going to watch it. Pretend like mom is with me watching it too. Will check in later....

[clio31]

Robin and all-

I haven't told anyone this for fear of them thinking I was crazy, but, on my Mom's birthday, I was driving to work, I have a long commute about 75 miles to the city, and needless to say, the speed and traffic are crazy.

All of the sudden, my wheels slipped of the edge of the road, and I suppose I over corrected and ended up fish tailing in traffic, sailing down an embankment at the bottom of the mountain, up the hill through some trees, past a stone pillar up another hill and back onto the road.

I was going about 70 mph, and if my carpool person wouldn't have advised me to put on the breaks, I just don't know what would have happened. I didn't hit the breaks till I saw the pillar. We were spinning, and flying the whole way.

I just thought that was it. But there we were, back on the road like nothing had happened. I truly believe that my Mom and Gramma were watching over me that day. I saw where I went off the road on the way in the next day, it was a scary sight to see all those skid marks, and the grass tore up.

Neither of us inthe car were hurt at all, not even stiff and sore. It was truly amazing. Car didn't even have a scratch!

My mom always got on me for speeding and driving a little on the wild side, but I always said 'If I don't keep up with the other cars, I'll just get ran over'

I do watch my speed now though!

Funny thing is, I don't think my mom wanted me to get away with that without a litte jolt, the Saturday following her birthday, I was stopped at a stoplight and was rear-ended by a kid doing 66mph in a 45.

Believe me, I was stiff and sore this time, had to go to the ER even. And the car-just short of totaled. Still driving a rental and that accident happened on the 19th of November!

She always had a backdoor way of teaching me lesson, always when I least expected it.

Robin-another comment on one of yours---

I always thought my dad would go first too, when I was 12, my dad had a massive heart attack, he was 37 and had a brother who died of a heart attack at 38. At that time, the docs gave my dad 5 years, said his heart was just too damaged to keep going.

Well, it's almost 20 years later, and with all the advancements in cardiac medicine, my dad is still kicking. Has a 2 pacemakers, 2 difibulaters, stints in arteries, and has had numerous angioplasties and 'rotor rooter' surgery...not sure of the technical name.

I guess I just thought, hey, if they give dad 5 years and he makes it 20, then mom can be in the 5% that beats kidney cancer. Someone has to make up that 5% right? Really thought my mom would be there.

Anyway, I also agree that we all kinda mesh together here. I love the fact there is a place where I can enteract with people that have the deep and loving relationship with their mothers as I do.

Talk to you all soon

Jenny

[clio31]

Giselle-

Thank you for your thoughts for myself, my grandfather and brothers. Grandad just called tonight, said he hadn't heard from me in a long time and was checking in to make sure I was ok.

Not sure of his definition of a long time, but I was over there Monday

Try to feel better Dee-bad thing is when you get all stressed out, immune system goes to pot!

You ladies try to have a decent evening.

Love,

Jenny

[clio31]

Connie-

I wish you comfort today. It is strange how some days it feels like eons since we have had our mother's touch, and other days its as fresh as the moment it happened.

Not to sound cliche, but it really is like a rollercoaster with the ups and downs.

I have a feeling that our mother's wouldn't want us grieving like this, they only want us to be happy and enjoy the little things in life.

For the many reasons our mother's loved us and would not want us to grieve are the main reasons that we do...if that makes any sense.

The world has lost some wonderful women this year, too many

Jenny

[clittlelady]

Good Evening, to anyone who is there.... My husband is working graveyard shift starting tonight, means I'll be sleeping on the sofa again, whenever I can make myself lay down.

I've managed, with God's help and some very special women here, to pick myself up today and dust myself off. Feeling better tonight.

Gosh, some days it's really hard to be too down when I read some of our posts. LOL.... JENNY, remind me to never ride with YOU! I'm so glad you found your way here to us. We need You! I would say you had some pretty special angels with you. That reminded me of when my Mother was TRYING to teach me to drive when I was fifteen. We were coming home from visiting my grandparents who lived 65 miles away. We were traveling through a little country, country (and did I say COUNTRY?) town with one stop light! It was a '65 Rambler, standard on the column (UGHHH). Well I made it out the stop light okay, but I straightened out a sharp curve, went through a ditch, between a utility pole and a sign post, over a town sidewalk and drove straight up under an old "filling station". An old man was sitting out in his rocker,by the door whittling and just waved at us as I continued to drive right past him. I almost peed my pants. I stopped the car and didn't want to drive anymore. My Mother absolutely refused to let me quit. Made me drive another 45 miles. However, I've slowed down a lot since then. Glad you're angels were wide awake!

GISELLE: Memory???? What's that??? I can't tell you how absent minded and forgetful I've been since losing Mom. My lens is way out of focus right now. I sure hope I get it back. I had always prided myself in being, a step ahead, multi tasker.

Thank you for your kind words. In the past, before losing Mom, when someone would tell me how strong I was, seeing after her, working at a demanding job and having a family as well, I would always reply that it wasn't my strength, but God's. I do truly believe that I can do nothing without him. Even in my darkest hours, he has carried me through. As much as my heart heart through the last two weeks with Mother, all the sadness and family drama as well, I would tell him, I could not do any of it alone, to please let me feel his presence. And through so many good, loving people he did wrap his arms around me. I went through one very horrible episode with my Mother, which I have not posted here and cannot go into details about it now, but it was the first night after she awoke from her two and a half day coma, very traumatic for me in my mind. I almost bolted and ran from the hospital that night. I was left alone and called one of my brothers. I was hysterical, almost to the point of the edge. ONLY God could have taken the situation and calmed the sea for me as he did, almost in the blink of an eye.

Thank you for reminding me of God's Promises. I do believe in them all.

DEE and ROBBIN: Okay, no white coats tonight! If so, I'd have to get one in my size too! No one is crazy! I believe your Mothers are very near, especially their Love for you. I still believe everything is for a reason. And I still believe we don't have to understand it all. I just think what you've both described now and in past posts are very real. Something to be embraced. How special.

I sure wish.... well, let me back up. Want to be careful what I wish for. For me, it seems I had so much anger right after finding her will (three days after her burial), feeling betrayed by her leaving everything to the brother who neglected her for so long and did absolutely nothing for her. She could have left it to the Animal Shelter, Salvation Army, Red Cross, Counsel on Aging, and I would have been happy as a Lark. But I was so confused by what she did and with the enormous grief and shear physical exhaustion I was under, my mental was gone. I did let anger have me for a little while and please tell me if what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense (Because I can take constructive criticism), but I'm afraid somehow she knows that, how I let it get to me. I mean, he was the oldest brother and the alcoholic she always made excuses for and defended to the ends of the earth if necessary. I wish I could feel something positive from her. I know she didn't mean to hurt me and it wasn't against me. I realize that now. I've come to grips with the fact that this was her way of taking care of HIM from the grave. Remind you, I'm still in litigation against her estate (him, since he is the executor and inherited everything) to regain the seven thousand some odd dollars my husband paid for her funeral, that he and one other brother refused to come up with. I know I sound like a broken record (but for the benefit of Jenny and Giselle's reading this), but only one of my three living brothers paid 1/4 of the cost. He refused to pay "Their" part. Meanwhile, Mom wasn't going to get buried if SOMEONE didn't. Literally thirty minutes before viewing time at the funeral home, they wouldn't put her in her coffin. My Husband had JUST about had enough of MY brothers and their antics. He wrote three checks out of his retirement funds, one for me, one for each of the two darling brothers, one of which didn't even come from out of state for her illness OR her burial. I had never wanted so bad to crawl under a rock and die myself. I think I became like the girl on the Exorcist or something when I handed the checks to the Director of the Funeral home and told him, "Oh yes, you will put her in pretty pink coffin I've picked out, NOW."

For some reason, I won't feel vindicated until all this legal crap is resolved, just because they didn't treat her right and I gave her me for so long. And after all the drama about the decision I made at the hospital about the life supports, etc. That's why it hurt so much. That's why I was so angry. Not at her, but her decision. It makes me feel like she is angry right back at me. Do I have the right to feel this way?

This is why being here helps sooooo much. For the most part, we remember the Good and all the wonderful memories, of which mine good ones far outweigh the bad. But I suppose today, I just relived it all over for some reason. Had to talk to my lawyer today and it just stirred it up.

My pets are here looking at me like I really need to let them go out and potty. GISELLE, JENNY, Sailor is my husband's Rottweiler (a year old and HUGE). He is the third one we've had. Lost the others to cancer and a neurological disease. Sam is my seventeen year old black cat (neutered and declawed and has one bad attitude, EXCEPT at night, THEN he's a lover) Bruiser is my five year old tan Chihuahua (6 pounds of absolute genius, knows my every thought). Hannah is my two year old sable Pomeranian. Oh she's a witch! I've only had her for six months. She was abused when I got her. I took her and had her treated for heartworms. She was matted to the skin. Scared to be touched. Now, she runs the joint! She has to have knee surgery in about a month. Everybody was homeless when I took them in, except for the Rottweiler. Husband bought him as a pup from a high dollar show dog breeder. He's just rotten. Bruiser would go with me to Mother's home and she loved to hold him and pet him. He has such a sweet personality and would just sit still and let her. Only thing is, she kept calling him Bobby, instead of Bruiser. He was such the gentleman, he actually would go to her when she called him that. Every now and then, I call him Bobby just to see if he remembers and he goes crazy. All I would have to do is say, let's go to grandmother's and he was up and ready.

They are all my little buddies and have cuddled with me through many of my tears. My son tells me He supposes he will have to hurry up and he and his girlfriend get married and give me grandchildren, because I am entirely to wrapped up in the canine and feline kids. I guess I should go let them potty. Sounds like fireworks outside. That should help them make their trip quick.

Thanks to all of you for listening, caring, loving and praying. You all truly are my friends. DEE: Hope you're not reading this tonight and are sleeping and getting to feel better. ROBBIN: I did have the nuclear medicine stress test done and all is well. Doctor did mention the heart cath if symptoms continue, I said no, I'll be better.

TARA: Are you Home? Miss ya.

SWEDE1: If you are reading, Dang It, say something! I miss you too. You have to much to offer to stay away. You were one of the first ones to respond to my first post. I'll never forget you for all your words of wisdom and strength and support. I want to know what is going on with you, how YOU are.

Love to You all. God Bless.

[clittlelady]

APOLOGY FOR THE PREVIOUS POST..... DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD WRITTEN A NOVEL.

[clittlelady]

Yesterday marked 24 years that my brother, Glyndon (Glynn) Robertson died following a two week coma he suffered as a result of horrible motorcycle accident. Very traumatic, very sad. He was 37 years old. Out of my four older brothers, he was the next to the eldest. He had the best personality and a happy-go-lucky disposition. He was a big man, 6'4", 275 lbs. He left a big void as well. He left two daughters 16 and 11 at the time. The youngest just passed away herself on the 30th day of July following complications of a kidney transplant she received several years ago. She was 37. She left behind two daughters 19 and 14 and one newborn grandson.

The loss of this brother was almost more than our Mother could bear. I had to give her the sad news. I worked at the hospital where he was initially brought to for stabilization (he was technically dead at the scene but was revived), before he was transferred out to larger facility 60 miles away. My Mother always hung on to her faith in God and his will, looked to him for strength, but as Glynn was buried, she vowed she didn't think even God's Strength would see her through losing another child. She died four months ago yesterday (8-30-05) at the age of 86 and never had to endure that pain again. They all died on the 30th day of the month........

(Post ID: 31658)

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie, I read your posts this morning. The month of December and January are very hard for you, a lot of sad times for you in those months, if your are like alot of on this board your probably wish you could cuddle with your critters and sleep through these 2 months. I can only imagine the amount of anger and resentment you must feel over the stuff that went on with your brothers. I believe that in life there are things that we can forgive...and things we can't. Abuse is one thing that I feel cannot be forgiven. I almost feel that you were being emotionally abused...thank God for your husband. I really don't know what I would have done in your situation, I only know I would have reacted the same way. As far as your mom knowing your angry...she probably does but as far as passing judgement, I think there is no judgement after death. We pass judgement here on earth, part of it is because we are forced to make choices and our choices determine the course our life will take. After death the course is already taken. My cousin has been tested several times at universities for psychic abilitites. Has always taken these tests...and it seems she is. She had a dream last year of my father. He was in a large room with some professional people. One side of the room was people in dark clothing/ the other side people in light bright airy clothing. My dad was sitting with people (light side-smile) and he saw my cousin and asked her to join him. She did and they started talking about me. My cousin said "I am worried about Dee" and my dad said she will be alright. At that time she saw me walking on the beach with a warm smile. She mentioned something about someone else...almost in a judgemental way and my father looked at her and said "where I am we have no judgement, only love and compassion". Now, my cousin does not go to church and has neve been into religion. That dream completely changed her view. She used to be completely judgmental...she is not now and her personal life with her friends, co-workers, and children has flourished.

I am feeling 100% better today, physically and emotionally. Antibiotics have really helped and I have some energy. Emotionally I got through the storm. Funny how little things can trigger our psyche. I saw the black surgical table my mom was on the last time she was at our family physicians office...and all hell broke loose in my mental psyche. I am not a psychologist but if I were still in nursing I would say there are a lot of us out there suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. That is my diagnosis. This last bout with the flu and all the flu symptoms made me realize that my mind is not allowing my body to heal. If my mind is not a peace, by body cannot run peacefully. So I swear everyday I get up, everyday...I will try and find something positive for every negative. The one hump I have to get over and I just can't seem to do it are the visions of my mom at the end. I TRY so hard to replace them with good images. I have posted a picture of my mom smiling looking vibrant on my refrigerator. When those visions come to me I walk and look at her picture...it is not helping. I may have to figure out some other way of handling this. I am going to prepare for New Years...buying myself some shrimp, fry it up...I know I shouldn't fry stuff but it is New Years.....make a salad, buy some sparkling cherry cider, make a fire, get my animals, go get a nice Hallmark Video (Dance With the White Dog) and (Michael) with John Travolta. Love that guy...hmmmmmmm

[josephb]

i have been doing better. which seems weird to me as much as i loved my mom.im back on my daily routine lifting weights and doing whatever i can to keep my mind busy.

well i hope 2006 is better for everyone

[septemberspain]

Joseph So happy for you! Best of 2006 to you as well. Please stop in and let us know how you are doing from time to time.

[septemberspain]

I will be back later on alot of feelings running through me but I just wanted to drop in and wish everyone A Safe and Blessed New Year. 2005 was horrible and I'm believing the laws of gravity 2006 Must be a better year!

Happy 2006

Robbin

[deewithgreeneyes]

I AM WISHING ALL YOU OF A CONTENT AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR...I AM THINKING OF ALL OF YOU....LOVE, DEE

[groy58]

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

May everyone that post here enjoy a blessed 2006.

To all my sister's may the new year bring us all health, wealth and wisdom.

I am not in the best of sprits today. My sister and I are recalling last new year's when we had such a great time with our mother here at the house. We can not believe that she is not here with us. Pray for us on this day.

Much Love to you all

Talk to you in 2006, We made it!!!

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Giselle, my daughter called me today, this afternoon, she was crying and we started talking about last New Years Day. We can't believe she is not here...I think we are all doing the same this New Year's Eve. God Bless you and your Family

[clittlelady]

DEE: Thanks for your response to my last novel. So thankful that a new year starts in just a few hours. I love both of those movies you mentioned and I'm a Travolta fan as well, all the way back to Welcome Back Kotter.

JOSEPH: I'm glad to hear from you. My husband and I are both trying to get back into an exercise routine, walking and weights. It's been a long time since I've had the time to be dedicated to get up earlier in the morning. My brain needs it I think more than my body. Take Care.

To Everyone Here:

Hope and pray this new year holds brighter days for us all, health and wealth and success in all areas. Thank you all for your compassion and companionship. Love to all my friends.

Connie

[josephb]

i woke up pissed off today.for the last few days i have been in a decent mood. i went through some of my moms stuff the other day and it brought tears to my eyes.she's gone and i feel like i have no family left as she was the only person i considered family.i live with my grandma, but i never really liked her and it feels more like i am renting a room from a stranger then living with family.right now i am focused on moving out as soon as possible and that gives me some relief

i feel like i have nothing left

[eulaha]

I feel cheated. Early this morning, the world welcomed in the new year, and my mother couldn't join in that celebration. Instead of being happy, I was depressed. I also feel cheated, because I didn't get the opportunity to take care of my mom when she wouldn't be able to work any longer. I spent most of my adult life making plans-getting a 2-bedroom apartment, buying her a Craftmatic bed so she'd be comfortable, etc. Death cheated me out of this opportunity to say "thank you" to her for caring for me for 18 years.

I also feel cheated because I didn't get to say "good-bye". I believe she knew I loved her, however.

For awhile I thought I was getting a better grip on my grief, and now I'm being pulled down once again. When will I ever to be truly happy again?

[clittlelady]

Joseph, I'm sorry your day was not a good one. I surely can understand how it feels to begin to feel a little better and then the rug gets pulled out from under you again and it hurt hits again. I feel like I get a little stronger though, each time I get through my crying time. I wish you had someone there with you that you felt like you could count on. I hate that you don't have a closer relationship with your grandma. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to live with someone you don't really like that much. I do have a dysfunctional family and have written some completely off. It's not a pleasant thing to feel, but I will survive it. We have to. Do you have any close friends there to share with or get support from? I suppose I share more intimate details of my grief over my mother here, than with anyone else. I've found some pretty caring hearts here and it sure has helped me through some rough spots. It feels good just to vent though, even if no one responds (which rarely happens). If moving out from your grandma's home is on your agenda, I wish you luck in that, I know it's a big step and will hopefully bring you some relief, give you a fresh start. I know you feel empty, but you do have something left. YOU. You still have a life and a future. Even though it doesn't seem that way now and we share in this tremendous void and heartache for our Mothers, you can still achieve success and have happiness. Nothing will ever take your Mother's place, but from a mother's heart, she would want you to continue and not just function, but live. There is a time and a season for everything. I guess now is our season of grief and life changes. But you're not alone Joseph. I promise.

Be strong. Take Care until next time.

Connie

[groy58]

Joseph, I lost my mother November 4, 2005 and I have struggled everyday with this grief (you can read my old post if you like or have not already, smile).

I recently started posting and have noticed that several others have been very concerned for you. I wanted to add as my own dear mother would say “my two cents worth”. You sound like a very industrious young person, which means you have so much to offer this world of ours. I’m a mother of two adult sons’ and I can tell you that if I were to leave them today I would want them to go on and LIVE, LIVE. Taste all the things that life has to offer. You have your health, your determination, and your friends (which include those of us that post here). You should remember all of what your mom instilled in you. I hope that you will be able to get your own place soon, if that will truly help you to move forward. How you choose to live your life now on will be a direct reflection of you mom and I know that you would want her to be proud. It’s OK to cry dear, I have cried almost everyday since my mother’s passing (sometimes my grief and the tears have brought me to my knees), it is a release mechanism for the frustration, anger, agony and yes even joy you can feel in remembering your mom. Just do like me and wash your face and go on after. Well I hope I have not overstepped my bounds, all that I am attempting to say I say to you in Love.

Euhala, I hope that even just writing your feelings was helpful. I know posting here has helped me to get through these holidays. I agree it has been very hard to be of good cheer and merry with the rest of the world. I do know that you will find happiness again in your life. I have told many people that I know I will not ever be the same as I was prior to November 4th but I have lived long enough to be able to say that life for us will continue and we will have both Joys and Sorrows. Try not to feel cheated but how about feeling blessed that you had your mother as part of your life and you honor her by being a person that she would be proud of. I did not get to tell my mother goodbye and I did like you all I could to be sure that she knew I loved her. I know this may sound strange but I continue to talk to my mother and I have decided to wear one of her rings which helps me to feel close to her still.

To both you young people DON’T GIVE UP! I am expecting many great and wonderful things from you.

Make 2006 the start of something good.

Your friend

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Joseph...as a mom of a young man I want to tell you the same thing. In fact I already have told them...and I will tell you. Your mom would want you to live life to it's fullest. She would want you to have a shot at happiness with the right woman, and maybe be a father someday to your own child. She would want you to keep her alive in your memory when you talk to people. This won't be easy now because it is to painful but as I said before grief is like one huge open sore. Slowly it will heal....somedays it will be one day at a time, somedays 2 days at a time somedays 5 minutes at a time. If it helps, I am PISSED off too! yes, I will use your language...see death has no generation gaps...neither does grief. All day I have been pissed. Pissed that my mom won't be around this year....and scared...yes scared....that she won't be around to talk to a bail me out of some jams. Yes, even at my age we still need our mom's. I am really scared of the New Year. Again Joseph, stay with us. As i said grief has no generation gaps.....Love, Dee

[groy58]

Dee

How are you feeling? I am going to try and spend my first night alone in my house since mom passed. Pray for me, I think it will be a long one. Glad I do not have to go back to work until Tuesday. I'll more than likely be up most of the night again.

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Giselle...I will probably be up with you, you will be alright and I will be praying for you to feel peace. I feel good, antibiotics have really kicked it and docotr said I probably had this sinus infection for quite awhile that is why I was feeling so crappy. I was just getting on the computer myself to vent a little or I will have to go to counseling. I don't know whether the feeling I am feeling is normal but I am terrified of the New Year. I was thinking today about how last year at this time I was with my mom and we were making plans to move together to another area. Mom was upbeat I was feeling lucky that she was in such good physical shape then BAM...in March she is dying of cancer, in April I have a massive heart attack, one thing after another. I thought I would be putting this year behind me but I can't. Knowing that I will be going on alone without my mom forever is scaring the pants off of me. I almost feel that it did not really hit me until we started this New Year. Does that sound weird you guys? is anyone else out there scared?....

[deewithgreeneyes]

Connie...I don't know what happened but I missed your post to me on December 29th, I don't know how that happened. Like I said I think I must be crackingup! How interesting about your mom and what a great biography, I really enjoyed that. I think your cyberspace chicken soup did help! it was GOOD! really good. I enjoy reading your posts about your mom, you loved her so much...I can read that in your words. All of us here loved our mom's so much and you know....it breaks my heart that our hearts are heavy. I wish I could just make it go away for all of you and I include myself in that too. I wish I could say or do something for all of us to help .All I can say is I am so sorry for all of my sister's and all of their pain. Everynight I pray that I will see my mom and have her tell me our mom's are O.K. so that I could honestly come back and tell everyone. I am going on a grief journey with one of my Indian Shaman people he said he thought I should go on this journey with him. I am not kidding, I am very serious. I am going this week sometime, maybe if I pray enough and do what I am told I will have an answer for us. Please pray for me that it will happen, otherwise i don't know if I will ever be the same again....Love, Dee

[groy58]

Dee, I am going to write just what I thought as I read your last post….. Girl, not just the New Year I am scared beyond belief at living the rest of my life without my Mama!!!

Last new years my mom was in very good sprits, she even stood up and did a little dance with myself, sister and all her granddaughters. We did a dance in her honor last night. I tried many times to get my mom to move but she would always remind me that she was a Kansas girl, smile. I have been thinking about leaving Kansas and going somewhere where it stays warm most of the time. I am a V.P for Human Resources so it should not be that hard to leave here. Many people are telling me I should not make any life decisions for this first year. I don’t know maybe I am just running or at least trying to run from all my feelings. Who knows what tomorrow holds? I went to church last night and we all got down on our knees to pray as the New Year was approaching and girl I kept thinking good riddance 2005, now I have to figure out how to be me on my own terms. And believe me that is scary!!!!!!

Glad you are feeling better.

Any input???

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

Well, I can only say this....As hard as it has been since mom died (June 30th 2005) I have tried to hold on to what my dad used to tell me all of the time when he was alive. That was "If the ground is shaking don't move." The ground has been shaking since mom died and it still is. Like you I have plans to move and want to move, I just have to wait until the ground settles and little more. I have a tendency to make decisions by emotions and I can't do that anymore. Actually, to be quite honest with you since mom died I find it hard to make a decision about anything. My input would be this....you have a very good career and I am quite sure there will always be a real need in your position. If I were you I would probably wait it out a year before you do any changing of jobs, moving a long distance etc. I am waiting it out for one year but during this time I will be investigating where I want to move etc. The only reason I am suggesting this is because right now things seem to change on a day to day basis (emotions) one day I am up and feeling like I have got it all figured out spiritually and the next day I feel abandoned and scared. Not sure of myself like I used to be. Until I can go for a couple of months on a somewhat even mood I am not going to be making any big changes. For instance...I went a couple of weeks being able to sleep snuggled in my bed and feel safe and at peace spiritually. Then Boom....out of nowhere the fear and questioning my spiritual beliefs start again. Now, I am raoming the house again, every light on, 2 televisons going....one in the living room and one in my room. I'm like a spooky horse...jumping at every noise. I keep going OVER and OVER and OVER....how did my mom get sick so quick???? I mean what the hell happened. She was OK New Year's Day, alive, alert ready for another year...then it all goes to hell in a handbasket 2 months later. How can this happen...I hat this going over and over in my head asking the same question over and over WHY WHY WHY did she have to get sick and die? Why did we not have more time to adjust to the fact they were going to die? I am going nuts here tonight....Seriously I am about to go out to my car in the garage and sleep in the back seat...this is crazy!

[groy58]

Dee

Girl do not go sleep in your car. If you want to keep talking until you can sleep believe me I am up!!!!!

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

You know we have to find some humor (smile) in some of this. Seriously, my car is in thegarage attached to the house....It has crossed my mind but I won't. My daughter who is 26 gets scared coming here (sad) and she said she would go sleep outside in a sleeping bag! My son (the big bad marine) who I might add was in the recon unit (smile)....was pacing through the house all night when he was here. I mean a real marine march....looking through windows and stuff. All 3 of us fell asleep on the living room floor last month, what's that about? Never was like that. Everyone used to come here and feel safe, now we feel scared.

[groy58]

Dee

I know that jumpy feeling, I jump at the wind. I do not remember if I told you but I have not stayed here alone since Mama passed. I jump if I here anything my mind can not identify. I wish I could just put my head on my pillow and go to sleep but I think I was just so used to staying up with mama that my body and mind do not know how to react. I wonder all the Why's, What if's, can I really make it without her helping to guide me. Most of my life I thought that I was pretty self assured, at the top of my game. Now I feel like a wishy-washy half wit most of the time. I have got to get myself together!!

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

You need to get some sleep. I will be OK I don't have to work so I will be like a vampire and go to sleep when the sun comes up. I have done this since mom died. I feel safe when the sun comes up when this happens to me. I just can't figure out why this has happened to me and my kids. I NEVER have been like this, my daughter either and my son saw some pretty bad things in the Marine Corp. now we are like the 3 stooges with this death and dying thing of my mom...terrible, just terrible. My son is spooked, my daughter is spooked and me who is suppose to be the up coming matriarch of the family is creeping from room to room freaked out. Some good example I am.

[groy58]

Dee

It is funny how loosing someone changes even how you feel about things you never feared in the past. I would have liked to have seen your son marching, smile. I only have one marine story. When I was married(past life, smile) I was in hawaii and staying with friends on the Hickam airforce base. Well each morning when I was getting dressed the marines would be running thier morning drills out by the ocean and I would hear them yell each time they went by the house. I told my girlfriend , girl I love to hear those marines go by each morning, do they always yell like that. And she started laughing and said , no that just started when you got here and started getting dressed so they can see you each morning. Boy was my face red. Needless to say I got dressed earlier and I did not hear them any more, HA,HA

Giselle

[deewithgreeneyes]

That is a really cute story...I bet they loved marching by!! The Marine Corp. hymm has a second part to it that says something about the Marines will be the one's guarding heavens gates. It is really nice, I will try and find it for you. My husband (ex) my son's dad was in the Marine Corp. during Viet Nam. My son was a surfer and just messing up in school, ditching to surf etc. He graduated from high school and tried to go to college and work at the same time. He could not do both a make a decent pay so he decided to go into the Marines. When his father found out Mike joined he about had a fit. My ex is very bitter about Viet Nam and knowing what he went through I can't really blame him. He saw some bad things over there, came home had a nervous breakdown. We were married at the time and that is what led us to our divorce after 16 years of marriage. He never has been the same. My ex loved my mom like his own and I was really touvhed when he made a CD about my mom's life with photos and music. I had no idea he was going to do that and it turned out beautiful. He played it at mom's memorial. He has not been here since, says it makes him to sad. How are you doing tonight? are you comfortable or uncomfortable? do you have someone there with you? I am in a different time zone than you (I think)...if you want to go to sleep let me know. I will be OK, probably put on "The Perfect Storm "...if you are scaredand want me to stay up with you I will do that too. I just want you to be OK. This is so new for you...I have had 6 months to try and adjust. Love, Dee