Realization

[John9]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

John9:  That makes sense and was a good idea. What did you use to eat on? TV trays? I was thinking of a TV tray but at my new place, I'd really like to separate the purpose of each area. I'm sure the apartment will be small so want to define each space to avoid feeling cramped. I will be spending a lot of time indoors so want to make the most of it and create "a home". I don't know why but as for myself, I've got to have a table. Nothing big or fancy but a table. If my new place comes with a breakfast bar, I can set up my laptop on there and get a nice barstool (done that before) but I still want a table to eat at. But also, if I should be sloppy and make a mess it won't fall off onto the floor but on the table around my plate and will make for easy cleanup. lol  Who knew that one day the simple act of bending over and down wouldn't be so simple...

tnd,

I use a lap tray that has foldable legs so it can either sit on my lap or on the chair and be elevated. My loving wife tried but couldn't use it because she said it didn't feel right for her so she just held her plate and MIL did too because she couldn't grasp the concept of tray. I have seen a variety of different small table/chair sets and my loving wife and I had discussed something for the future but that never happened. I know there will be many factors in your decisions, size, space, cost, multi purpose uses. But right now getting you to the apartment is the number 1 or 2 if the cell phone is maybe 1. As far as bending over and down, IF you ever saw someone you loved or cared for go through it then you probably thought that is not what you want to go through. I was thinking the other day that everything I saw happen to friends and family and was a fear of mine. I AM NOW LIVING, and all alone and never wanted anyone else to suffer through but I surely didn't want to go through it myself. WE were supposed to deal with everything as a team and it would have been manageable but now as has been stated here and elsewhere. Being alone and getting older sucks.

[John9]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I took my  friend out to lunch in this one horse town and the restaurants were all closed yesterday except a couple of fast food places and a Mexican place.  So we go to the Mexican one...the front door is locked but it's supposed to be open, so we bang on the door and he tells us his help isn't there yet and goes back to his kitchen.  We sit down and wait.  Pretty soon a teenage girl comes, she obviously doesn't know anything and has to keep going back to him to ask him anything we want to know, comes back with no-can-do.  I am allergic to hot peppers, can't have tortilla shells, rice, beans, so argue with her and say, "Can't you just fix something with meat & vegetables, no hot sauce/rice/beans/shells?  They brought our food, tiniest portions I've ever seen and greatly over-priced.  Not going back.  Took two hours for all this!  

Needless to say, I don't much care what I eat, so long as it's healthy.  My blood sugar was 89 this morning!  That's better than it's been in two years of doing this, it must be working.   Christmas I'll be so busy shoveling snow, I may eat chia seed cereal, doesn't much matter, it's filling.

KayC,

I am sorry that your outing was not enjoyable. You would think that a restaurant would have something on the menu along the lines of what you asked. I have said many times in many conversations that I can't tell someone how to run their business but as an observer I can see what is wrong. I am pretty sure you are not the only person who cannot or should not eat certain things and they should at least try a little harder. I don't blame you for not wanting to go back, my loving wife and I many times had a bad experience and never went back somewhere. I am glad that even with that your blood sugar seems to be cooperating with you. I hope the weather changes for the better but you know better than I that it usually doesn't.

[KayC]

Haha, mine has an overflow of kitchen appliances, no one ever comes here anyway.  My laundry room doubles as partly pantry but not enough.  II love yourr idea about a t.v. room!

[John9]

5 minutes ago, KayC said:

II love yourr idea about a t.v. room!

KayC,

It helped keep the sanity for both of us, my loving wife would come in there to get away from her Mother sometimes. It was a safe space and we could talk in private like we used to be able to do before she moved in.

[tnd]

On 12/22/2021 at 5:55 PM, John9 said:

Being alone and getting older sucks.

John9:  You got that right! I'm having to think of new ways to do things all the time now. I visit Sarcoidosis and Pulmonary Fibrosis forums/sites and very few people offer any tips. I can adapt but need to know of ways to do things. So frustrating. And then I remember my SIL telling me I was "playing victim". Sheesh! She doesn't know the first thing about being disabled and yet, she claims to have gotten a degree for some sort of physical rehabilitation therapy to help people. I wonder how many patients she has pissed off uh, I mean "helped". 

[John9]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  You got that right! I'm having to think of new ways to do things all the time now. I visit Sarcoidosis and Pulmonary Fibrosis forums/sites and very few people offer any tips. I can adapt but need to know of ways to do things. So frustrating. And then I remember my SIL telling me I was "playing victim". Sheesh! She doesn't know the first thing about being disabled and yet, she claims to have gotten a degree for some sort of physical rehabilitation therapy to help people. I wonder how many patients she has pissed off uh, I mean "helped". 

tnd,

I would imagine it would depend on who you asked about helping. If you ask SIL it would be all, ask a patient and maybe a different answer. I know too many people believe the answer to everything is tough love. It may work in some situations but I don't think in the case of a true medical issue that it will work. I admit I tried with my friend because he was depressed and alone and I told him he needed to exercise more because it did help him, but I wasn't with him 24/7 (although it did seem like it) and he had to make that choice. Same with my grief some would say suck it up and move on, but it isn't my nature. I have said it before I was always an emotional person but with my loving wife's help I could control them and now I can't. My loving wife and I never tried to change each other and I can't change myself now if I didn't or couldn't change for her.

Today is hard because it is Christmas Eve day and my loving wife would be doing all of the cooking based on whatever the plans were, but it is also a Friday which means even without that she should be here with me. I hate feeling like I do and I am so torn because I want to be with my loving wife and I don't want to cause our son more sadness at this time of the year because it would ruin his future celebrations. No I'm not talking about doing anything just saying as much as I don't want to be here and all of the pain and suffering I can't pick when it is going to happen. But this time of year would be terrible for him. Sorry this turned bad again.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

I wonder how many patients she has pissed off uh, I mean "helped". 

  

21 minutes ago, John9 said:

Today is hard because it is Christmas Eve day and my loving wife would be doing all of the cooking

Me too if George were here.  It would be merry and bright no matter what if he were here, and I LOVED pleasing him with cooking (it was easy, he loved everything!).  I don't care if I eat chia cereal or what on Christmas, no one to share in it with.  It seems everything takes on more meaning if shared.

 

[John9]

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

Me too if George were here.  It would be merry and bright no matter what if he were here, and I LOVED pleasing him with cooking (it was easy, he loved everything!).  I don't care if I eat chia cereal or what on Christmas, no one to share in it with.  It seems everything takes on more meaning if shared.

KayC,

Yes, and for me everything means less when it isn't shared or nobody to share it with.

[John9]

Since this is Christmas Eve I will wish everyone a Merry Christmas, I hope that those that can celebrate enjoy their celebration. I am not there yet and may never be again but I will still hope for the best. Take care, John

[Gail 8588]

Another strange covid holiday.

I am finally in a mindset where I have been looking forward to Christmas with the family I have left, and now we can't get together because my one son has been exposed to covid and his brother has 2 kids too young to be vaccinated.  So we are each at home in our own houses.  We are talking about gathering in February, assuming this spike in covid cases will be over by then. 

So it looks like I am going to have 3 pies all to myself tomorrow. 

Of course, I know I shouldn't whine, we are fortunate to all be as healthy as we are. Staying apart this Christmas is what will contribute to our staying healthy. 

Best wishes for each of you on this site to have some merriment in your Christmas.

Gail

[KayC]

Oh Gail, II am so sorry.  If I weren't diabetic I'd be right down!  Alas with the elec.. out yesterday, I wasn't able to cook or prepare for today, just shoveling snow, doesn't seem very festive.  John, we understand and appreciate your wishes in spite of how you're feeling, that takes strength (even if you don't feel it).  Sometimes when we LEAST feel it!  Kodie set an amazing example for me yesterday/last night...here we were in the dark, and he's playing with his bottle!  I can hear him batting it around on the floor, in the dark.  His favorite toy, a 2 litre bottle with treats inside it, it rattles as he paws it around.  If only I were that resilient and positive.  I love that dog.

[John9]

On 12/25/2021 at 9:08 AM, KayC said:

His favorite toy, a 2 litre bottle with treats inside it, it rattles as he paws it around.  If only I were that resilient and positive.  I love that dog.

KayC,

Our Catahoula had a plastic water bottle inside of a fabric "holder", it was textural thing since he couldn't hear but he could feel it crackling. My loving wife love/hated it. He used to steal the male Chihuahua's stuffed animal all the time because he was able to squeeze it and make it grunt. The Chihuahua licked it and did the things male dogs do with their toys. That also drove my loving wife crazy but we loved the dogs so we tolerated their quirks. It sounds like Kodie is feeling better and I am glad, sorry you had so much snow my loving wife hated that too. She was always saying she wanted the "magic" place where the weather was just right or no worries about things. Maybe she finally got it in Heaven and maybe i will be able to see it soon too.

[John9]

On 12/24/2021 at 9:41 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Another strange covid holiday.

I am finally in a mindset where I have been looking forward to Christmas with the family I have left, and now we can't get together because my one son has been exposed to covid and his brother has 2 kids too young to be vaccinated.  So we are each at home in our own houses.  We are talking about gathering in February, assuming this spike in covid cases will be over by then. 

So it looks like I am going to have 3 pies all to myself tomorrow. 

Of course, I know I shouldn't whine, we are fortunate to all be as healthy as we are. Staying apart this Christmas is what will contribute to our staying healthy. 

Best wishes for each of you on this site to have some merriment in your Christmas.

Gail

Gail 8588,

My loving wife was so sad last year about Covid and having no real celebration that she wanted to do a big celebration in July. She said they always talked about the Christmas in July sales so why not have the actual party then. Sadly she died in March and it never happened even though we still talked about turning it into a celebration of life. But then her family just moved on and that never happened either. I saw something on the news about people helping the tornado victims, and one of them said it doesn't matter when they celebrate because that was more important. As you said the important thing is your health because without that......

[John9]

I am going to state the obvious, I survived Christmas and it was very hard. I spent a little time with the "good" sister (my loving wife's Aunt) it was not really happy since we were mostly talking about my loving wife and her Daughter who died in October. It is good to talk, I know but sad also. But then when she left I was all alone again because our son decided to spend the night with friends. That was okay, I spent most of the day crying. I was crying before the Aunt showed up and was crying after she left. I spent the majority of yesterday crying also because really that is my life now. I tried to go to the store today to get out of the house, but the store was till playing Christmas music and so was the radio . So that didn't go well or last too long. It is raining again (still), it seemed like all it has done since my wife died is rain. We have had way more than we usually receive it seems. Now of course I have to survive New Year's day, but right after that is what would have been our 35th wedding Anniversary on the 14th and then.....

[tnd]

On 12/24/2021 at 8:41 PM, Gail 8588 said:

So it looks like I am going to have 3 pies all to myself tomorrow. 

Gail 8588:  I'm picturing pies and drooling. Wish I had pie all to myself.....there was pie here but too many hands and fingers touching it so I skipped that germ fest. Sorry you didn't get to be with family but all of you did the right thing by staying apart. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

I tried to go to the store today to get out of the house, but the store was till playing Christmas music and so was the radio . So that didn't go well or last too long.

John9:  Surprisingly, I fell asleep with the TV on. There was a channel that showed various decorated Christmas trees with Christmas music being played on a piano. At first I wanted to cry but held it in. Then I realized they weren't playing the usual you hear. Guess it lulled me to sleep. I only woke up because something in the dinner upset my stomach.  

[John9]

8 minutes ago, tnd said:

John9:  Surprisingly, I fell asleep with the TV on. There was a channel that showed various decorated Christmas trees with Christmas music being played on a piano. At first I wanted to cry but held it in. Then I realized they weren't playing the usual you hear. Guess it lulled me to sleep. I only woke up because something in the dinner upset my stomach.  

tnd,

I am sorry that the meal upset your stomach, I hope you are feeling better. I can't seem to listen to the music yet or watch the movies. But I am happy for those that can. We will all do what we can as we can do it. It is a long slow process at best.

[tnd]

6 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am sorry that the meal upset your stomach,

John9:  I didn't want to be rude and skip dinner so I ate. But there were a lot of hands and fingers all over the food (was served buffet style) and I really really wanted to avoid the germs but guess it got me. I stayed away from the pies because of fingers all over them. I ate dinner and retreated to my room. Was being ignored anyways. I could tell they all knew about my husband passing so they probably didn't know what to say. But still, a little conversation wouldn't have hurt. Francis had a housefull with all her adult kids and grandchildren and no one looked me in the eye. Just as well. Was too crowded for my liking and yes, the thought of Covid was on my mind. So, I ate went to my room and stayed there. No big deal. 

[Gail 8588]

10 minutes ago, tnd said:

 Was too crowded for my liking and yes, the thought of Covid was on my mind. So, I ate went to my room and stayed there. No big deal. 

Tnd, 

I think that was a really good choice. Too many people inside, and I am sure they were not  wearing masks as they were eating, retreating to your room asap was the best option you had.

Glad you were able to listen to some nice music and drift off to sleep, even if it was just for a little while. 

Still praying for you to get your own place soon.

Gail

[KayC]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

Maybe she finally got it in Heaven and maybe i will be able to see it soon too.

Me too!  I was just wishing yesterday for that place with perfect weather (nothing to shovel, not too hot or too cold or too windy...)  38" of snow measured this morning, still snowing, no end in sight, they predict Thursday will be bad...still in the low 20s day/night.  A skunk took up residence under my storage building as I have a heater there at night to protect the pipes & water tank!  I don't mind sharing the heat with it, so long as it doesn't come out and spray us!

I was totally alone Christmas Eve day and Christmas, I remember having Chia seed cereal for dinner, nothing great, just filling/healthy.  Too much snow shoveling.  First Christmas I never heard from my daughter, that hurt.

Still, wishing tnd a place to call her own, a place she can eat in peace and no fear of Covid...

[John9]

13 minutes ago, KayC said:

Me too!  I was just wishing yesterday for that place with perfect weather (nothing to shovel, not too hot or too cold or too windy...)  38" of snow measured this morning, still snowing, no end in sight, they predict Thursday will be bad...still in the low 20s day/night.  A skunk took up residence under my storage building as I have a heater there at night to protect the pipes & water tank!  I don't mind sharing the heat with it, so long as it doesn't come out and spray us!

I was totally alone Christmas Eve day and Christmas, I remember having Chia seed cereal for dinner, nothing great, just filling/healthy.  Too much snow shoveling.  First Christmas I never heard from my daughter, that hurt.

Still, wishing tnd a place to call her own, a place she can eat in peace and no fear of Covid...

KayC,

I posted that it is a lot of snow, and the cold isn't going to make it easier. The skunks used to drive our Chihuahua's crazy whenever they would spray and the scent would be in the air, especially when the window was open in the summer. They would always smell it a little sooner than I did, it's funny when I say how bad the smell is my neighbor says he loves the smell. I think it is because he says he used to smoke pot and I know some of it smells similar or at least used to. I understand and at the same time not the pain of not hearing from your Daughter. Little things like that my loving wife and I could blow off or deal with together, but now alone with my thoughts and feeling unloved most of the time it hurts really bad. That is just what my broken grieving brain does now. I also want tnd to get her own place and be under as much control of her own life as she can be.

[tnd]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Too many people inside, and I am sure they were not  wearing masks as they were eating, retreating to your room asap was the best option you had.

 

Gail 8588:  It's a small house, was elbow-to-elbow. Only three recliners in the living room and two chairs in the kitchen and no other seating. I get a little claustrophobic in crowds but my real concern was Covid. People were ignoring me anyways so I doubt they cared that I went to my room. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

First Christmas I never heard from my daughter, that hurt.

KayC:  I'm sorry you spent Christmas alone and didn't hear from your daughter. Hopefully she had a darn good reason not to call her mother. Chin up, girl! We're here!  

[KayC]

My electricity has gone off seven times in the last five days!  I had to pay someone $50 to shovel my driveway last night, hardworking young man, took him over three hours, would have taken me four times that long, still has ice welded to it...meanwhile up to 41" now and it just keeps snowing.  Tomorrow/tomorrow night supposed to be bad, I hope not.  My back feels done.  I just shoveled Mike and Iris' pathway (she has cancer/chemo and he has Covid long haul breakthrough...

Ha, I doubt my daughter has an excuse that holds water.  I know she's busy, snow in her town too, but come on!  I'm almost 70 and alone!  I never would have treated my mom like this and she wasn't even a good mom!

[John9]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Ha, I doubt my daughter has an excuse that holds water.  I know she's busy, snow in her town too, but come on!  I'm almost 70 and alone!  I never would have treated my mom like this and she wasn't even a good mom!

KayC,

I am sorry that any parent has to go through that. It really bothered my loving wife if our son didn't contact her for awhile. I just told her Aunt the other day that I know it bothers him now when he ignored his Mother. I also said that I don't want to try to force myself into his life more than I do, but at some point he will miss my advice and being able to ask for it. But that is how life works isn't it, you try and hope for the best and hope they learned the lessons. And one day maybe they will understand it was all from LOVE.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Ha, I doubt my daughter has an excuse that holds water.  I know she's busy, snow in her town too, but come on!  I'm almost 70 and alone!  I never would have treated my mom like this and she wasn't even a good mom!

KayC:  Uh oh. Then she's in trouble. I am so sorry that she didn't call you. Kids are supposed to call their parents on Christmas. Busy or not.

Back in the day, my parents made us kids call our grandparents very early on Christmas morning because the phone lines across the country would all be jammed up. You'd keep getting a busy signal, so we learned to start early. Remember those days? Young people would freak out if they had to live through that today and without their cell phones. 

[KayC]

It's so easy for them to text, msg, email, phone!  SOMETHING!  My texts don't always come in on time or ever but they know that.  My daughter never goes on FB.  Doesn't seem to check email and no voicemail set up on her phone so no way to leave a message, it's like she purposely doesn't want anyone to reach her, all the more reason for HER to call!

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's so easy for them to text, msg, email, phone!  SOMETHING!  My texts don't always come in on time or ever but they know that.  My daughter never goes on FB.  Doesn't seem to check email and no voicemail set up on her phone so no way to leave a message, it's like she purposely doesn't want anyone to reach her, all the more reason for HER to call!

KayC,

I understand and even though my situation isn't the same. I told the few people who still are in contact with me, I am here and if they want to talk to me call me because they still have lives to deal with. I do text and then sometimes have to wait a long time for a response. Christmas Day was a day like that and I can't seem to make "them" understand that if I don't hear from someone in a reasonable time or when they said I would my brain goes into panic mode. With all of the bad things that I have had to deal with lately my brain thinks negative thoughts first. I said I can't control it but I can't call them every time I don't receive a quick response. My loving wife and I both worried about our son because he would not communicate with either of us for days at a time, even when I had said it caused us concern. Now even after his Mother died he just doesn't get it. I have done all I can do except fight him over it and I don't want to risk losing him when I really need him. I think part of my issue is I have seen them respond to other texts and messages when they are with me, so I know how they are. The younger generation is almost always connected to the devices and won't get it until (?) I said it to my loving wife's Aunt the other day about our son not answering my loving wife's calls or texts and now he can't. Did he learn, NO. One day maybe but not yet and one day I won't be there when he wants or needs me to be.

[Carol34]

John,  your son sounds a lot like Paul's daughter.  I've referred to her here as "our youngest" but she is his biological daughter.  I raised her, along with him from the time she was 4.  When he was alive, he would ask me if I had heard from her, because he couldn't understand why she didn't keep in touch...unless she needed something.  When he was sick, she would go weeks without coming to see him, and only then if I sent her a text and asked when she could come over.  She visited every day at Hospice, and even stayed a couple of nights with him.  We talked about how we'd have to stick together to get through this, but it didn't make a difference.  She has come over to visit a couple of times since Oct 7, but only if I've asked her to.  I've stopped asking.  My son and his wife and kids come over twice a week and we have dinner together.  He has come over to fix things around the house for me, and his wife is a great listener, who keeps in touch too.  My daughter lives near Seattle (I'm in Ohio), but she calls me 3 or 4 times a week.  Even my grandson, who lives 3 hours away with his girlfriend comes into town every other weekend to visit. 

The thing about Paul's daughter is that she complains to me about how none of her aunts or uncles are staying in touch with her, or seeing how she's doing.  Meanwhile, she's doing the same thing to me. I don't know how old your son is, John.  Paul's daughter is 26.  My kids are in their 40's.  I really don't think it's an age issue.  I just know that at some point, there's going to be something that happens in her life, and she's going to need me for something.  It better not be money.  I'm barely scraping by!  But that's a whole other story.

[John9]

28 minutes ago, cmp34 said:

The thing about Paul's daughter is that she complains to me about how none of her aunts or uncles are staying in touch with her, or seeing how she's doing.  Meanwhile, she's doing the same thing to me. I don't know how old your son is, John.  Paul's daughter is 26.  My kids are in their 40's.  I really don't think it's an age issue.  I just know that at some point, there's going to be something that happens in her life, and she's going to need me for something.  It better not be money.  I'm barely scraping by!  But that's a whole other story.

cmp34,

I don't remember if I expressed my condolences for your loss. Our son just turned 30 the month after his Mother died. We tried to instill as much positive into his life because of all of the negative we had both experienced in our childhoods. I had been in the Hospital a couple of times in the last 10-15 years and he would not visit me while I was there. The first time I was in he actually still lived with us and he wouldn't visit me. When his Grandmother broke her hip a couple of years ago, both of us was surprised he visited her in the Hospital once, she was in the for over a month. I was there everyday even though she didn't like me, but it was for my loving wife not me. I can't change anything and I think it is too late to teach him any lessons. At some point he may have regrets and I won't be here to help him with that or anything else. As stated before we tried our best to teach him but you are never sure what sticks. There are so many things that go through my head now and so many times I feel like I have failed everyone especially my loving wife and I know it is common in grief but it still hurts. My loving wife and I didn't have a lot of family, I have very little and she had her Mother, Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins. I felt when we first got together 35 years ago that I was welcomed into her family and we were always at every family gathering. When her Grandparents died in 2007 her family really started drifting apart and it hurt her. We had each other though and her Mother was here every other weekend and we had one of her Aunts who stayed close. When my loving wife died it was as if she didn't exist and I was never there either, and these were people I have known for over half of their lives AND I was taking care of their sister too. Grief is a terrible thing but the lack of compassion and support is one of the worst parts of it. I am alone even in a crowd because my loving wife was really the only one who truly LOVED me and understood me. I am in no way trying to explain grief to anyone, we will all suffer in our own way, I will say however that this is terrible and the pain is unbearable even after all of the support I have received from everyone here. I wake up so sad every morning and cry all day long and cry every night when I go to bed. I don't know how much more I can handle , I am so tired and worn out.

[Sparky1]

5 hours ago, cmp34 said:

he couldn't understand why she didn't keep in touch...unless she needed something

My stepdaughter is exactly like this. She lives about 6 hours away, so visiting is impossible most of the time. She only calls when she needs something, and she's called me more than once to go and pick her up when she had a scrap with her husband. I talked her out of it because I can't do a drive like that in one day. Otherwise, she doesn't call, and when I call, she rarely answers yet I know that her phone is always in her hands. My motto is to worry about myself because no one gives a s**t, including family. I dread when I'm older and can't do a lot of things, and I'm not too fond of nursing homes.

[Carol34]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

cmp34,

I don't remember if I expressed my condolences for your loss. Our son just turned 30 the month after his Mother died. We tried to instill as much positive into his life because of all of the negative we had both experienced in our childhoods. I had been in the Hospital a couple of times in the last 10-15 years and he would not visit me while I was there. The first time I was in he actually still lived with us and he wouldn't visit me. When his Grandmother broke her hip a couple of years ago, both of us was surprised he visited her in the Hospital once, she was in the for over a month. I was there everyday even though she didn't like me, but it was for my loving wife not me. I can't change anything and I think it is too late to teach him any lessons. At some point he may have regrets and I won't be here to help him with that or anything else. As stated before we tried our best to teach him but you are never sure what sticks. There are so many things that go through my head now and so many times I feel like I have failed everyone especially my loving wife and I know it is common in grief but it still hurts. My loving wife and I didn't have a lot of family, I have very little and she had her Mother, Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins. I felt when we first got together 35 years ago that I was welcomed into her family and we were always at every family gathering. When her Grandparents died in 2007 her family really started drifting apart and it hurt her. We had each other though and her Mother was here every other weekend and we had one of her Aunts who stayed close. When my loving wife died it was as if she didn't exist and I was never there either, and these were people I have known for over half of their lives AND I was taking care of their sister too. Grief is a terrible thing but the lack of compassion and support is one of the worst parts of it. I am alone even in a crowd because my loving wife was really the only one who truly LOVED me and understood me. I am in no way trying to explain grief to anyone, we will all suffer in our own way, I will say however that this is terrible and the pain is unbearable even after all of the support I have received from everyone here. I wake up so sad every morning and cry all day long and cry every night when I go to bed. I don't know how much more I can handle , I am so tired and worn out.

John, thank you for the condolences.  So many of your posts express a lot of what I'm feeling.  When Paul was alive, everything we did was with his family.  Cookouts at our house, dinner at his sister's house, breakfast or lunch with his older brother, and Thursday night cocktails with his younger brother.  They all came to see him in Hospice, and they all said the patented, "let me know if you need anything."  And then he died, and they went radio silent.  I had always felt accepted by them (which is hard for me), so I thought they'd be around now.  But I was wrong.  As for his daughter, I did the very best I could raising her.  Her mother seemed to have better things to do than raise her daughter.  I can remember her sitting by the phone on her birthday, wishing her mother would call her.  Now I see that she turned out like her mother.  On Christmas Day, I got calls and texts from my kids, my grandkids, even my grandson's girlfriend.  But not my step-daughter.  I got tired of being the one who always initiated the text messages and calls, so I waited to see if she would do it.  I'm sad to say, she didn't.

[John9]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I dread when I'm older and can't do a lot of things, and I'm not too fond of nursing homes.

Sparky1,

My loving wife and I fought hard to keep her Mother and my friend out of nursing homes. My friend died in one lat January after breaking his hip and he couldn't be at home. I succeeded in keeping MIL out of nursing home and it was hard on me. Sadly now my fear will be that with my loving wife gone I will end up in one. I tried my best for everyone and that would just be wrong.

[John9]

2 hours ago, cmp34 said:

Now I see that she turned out like her mother.  On Christmas Day, I got calls and texts from my kids, my grandkids, even my grandson's girlfriend.  But not my step-daughter.  I got tired of being the one who always initiated the text messages and calls, so I waited to see if she would do it.  I'm sad to say, she didn't.

cmp34,

I have said that not everyone will ever see the hurt that they cause others, even if the same hurt was done to them. It hurt me when I saw how bad my loving wife felt when our son didn't call and how she bad she felt when none of her family called or returned calls. I was able sometimes to rattle our son for a while, but he went right back to his ways. I never thought my loving wife would die so young and he never learned the lesson because he treats me the same by not responding when I think he should. All that really mattered to us was we had each other, and now I don't have her with me and it hurts so much.

[tnd]

Reading the posts about family members not calling/visiting makes me sad. Do they not realize that someday they may or will be in the same situation as we are? I've not only lost my husband but since my brother abandoned me during my most critical time of need, I no longer have a family either. I am alone now. Sure, I have Fran and her family but...well, not exactly a loving family. I have no one to turn to when I feel troubled and sad. I haven't had a hug since my husband went into the hospital Dec. 2020. I am alone. And it hurts.

My brother and SIL do not take my illness seriously. And they thought that because I yelled at my SIL for saying I was "playing victim" that I must have mental illness. Not that I want to dwell on it but my brother told me to either check in at a mental hospital or go live on the street because I was not welcomed in his home. I remember his words...he said "go get yourself fixed". They obviously do not understand grief. They obviously haven't had to fear being homeless and they obviously haven't suffered serious illness. After being told that I will not get better, Fran asked me if she should have my brother's number in case something happens to me or I end up in the hospital. I said "Why?" My brother didn't care enough to learn about Sarcoidosis when I sent him info about it and he darn sure didn't care when he abandoned me. So no, I don't think he should ever have the privilege of knowing whether I am dead or alive anymore. So, I've got no family. All these adult kids and family members who do not call or visit are probably and sadly going to regret that. 

[John9]

53 minutes ago, tnd said:

All these adult kids and family members who do not call or visit are probably and sadly going to regret that. 

tnd,

I may be putting too much personal grief situation in here but, Not everyone cares about others as much as they care about themselves. My loving wife's family are the example I am using. Most of them act as if she never existed, and it is her family not my family. It isn't as if I married her and they only liked her because she was my wife. No it is her family that doesn't seem to care that she died and our son and I are suffering. Grief is a wicked thing and people are just so afraid of it.

[John9]

I just want to say to all, if you are celebrating today. I hope that you have a Happy New Year.

[Carol34]

Happy New Year to you too John.  And to everyone here.  My New Year's Eve looked like this: 

I drove to the funeral home with Paul's ashes so that they could put some of them in a necklace that my grandson's girlfriend bought for him for Christmas.  Then, after I took the ashes back home, I went to the grocery store to spend a gift card my son gave me for Christmas.  I came home and started the weekly laundry and then took down the Christmas decorations.  There were 6 big totes of stuff that we put up every year.  I didn't put it all up this year.  Just the tree, and my shelf of Santas.  Now there are just 2 totes full.  The others will go on the estate sale when I sell the house.  As for tonight, it will just be me, Netflix, and a blanket...until I fall asleep on the couch, long before midnight.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

I haven't had a hug since my husband went into the hospital Dec. 2020. I am alone. And it hurts.

That is so sad!  Our church gives hugs.  What is life w/o them!

My daughter hasn't called since my birthday nearly three months ago but rode with me to my son's on Thanksgiving.  Have not heard from her this Christmas season.  I don't know what is going on with her.

Tonight will be a good night if the electricity and internet stay on and it quits snowing.  Not sure what to do about the generator not starting.  Can't get my son here so will likely ask a neighbor but hate to bother any of them.

[John9]

2 hours ago, cmp34 said:

As for tonight, it will just be me, Netflix, and a blanket...until I fall asleep on the couch, long before midnight.

cmp34,

I too am alone, our son left to stay the night with friends and the cats are already asleep. I couldn't put up any decorations at all and I may never be able to again. My loving wife and I really hadn't stayed up for the ball drop for awhile because of caring for MIL. Many years ago it was something special and I believe that we may have made it so again after MIL died but alas I am alone and lonely on one of the supposed happiest times of the year. I will hope it gets easier but as for me it isn't so far.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

That is so sad!  Our church gives hugs.  What is life w/o them!

My daughter hasn't called since my birthday nearly three months ago but rode with me to my son's on Thanksgiving.  Have not heard from her this Christmas season.  I don't know what is going on with her.

Tonight will be a good night if the electricity and internet stay on and it quits snowing.  Not sure what to do about the generator not starting.  Can't get my son here so will likely ask a neighbor but hate to bother any of them.

KayC,

I have received a few hugs but it isn't the same as the hug from and to my loving wife. The loss of personal interaction with the most important person in my life is killing me slowly and painfully. Not much I can say about as to why your Daughter hasn't talked to you. I don't know what I don't know but gas powered devices need to run occasionally and have fresh gas or Sta-Bil added to the tank or they will gum up, not sure if that is the issue but it could be. Hope the electricity is on and the snow is "off"

[Diane R. E.]

On 12/31/2021 at 4:57 PM, John9 said:

The loss of personal interaction with the most important person in my life is killing me slowly and painfully.

I hear you, John. I was just thinking this morning how true this is for even the simple things in life, let alone the big things. Today is Sunday and my husband and I are big fans of NFL football. If Doug was still here, we would have decided what snacks to have while watching football all day. Tonight the Vikings (I'm from MN) and the Packers play, but I have no one to watch it with. It may seem trivial, but that loss of personal interaction with your beloved is torture. 

[Carol34]

6 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

I hear you, John. I was just thinking this morning how true this is for even the simple things in life, let alone the big things. Today is Sunday and my husband and I are big fans of NFL football. If Doug was still here, we would have decided what snacks to have while watching football all day. Tonight the Vikings (I'm from MN) and the Packers play, but I have no one to watch it with. It may seem trivial, but that loss of personal interaction with your beloved is torture. 

It was the same for Paul and I, only for us it's college basketball.  Four weeks after he passed away, the season started.  Although I was a fan long before he was, I missed hearing his comments.  We also planned our snacks for the games.  I've watched our favorite team's games this year, but just eat whatever is in the house, instead of making it an event like we did.  I'm known for the huge Selection Sunday celebration I host every March, as the kickoff for March Madness.   Not sure what that's going to look like this year.  Also, my birthday is in March, his is in April, and our anniversary is right between them.  Spring will be hard.

[Carol34]

On 12/31/2021 at 6:57 PM, John9 said:

The loss of personal interaction with the most important person in my life is killing me slowly and painfully.

Each time I've talked to a grief counselor, or attended a grief support group, I have been asked, "What do you miss the most?" Without hesitation, I answer, "Our conversations."  Just talking about our day, no matter how boring it would sound to other people, was what I looked forward to every day when he got home from work. 

[John9]

2 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I hear you, John. I was just thinking this morning how true this is for even the simple things in life, let alone the big things. Today is Sunday and my husband and I are big fans of NFL football. If Doug was still here, we would have decided what snacks to have while watching football all day. Tonight the Vikings (I'm from MN) and the Packers play, but I have no one to watch it with. It may seem trivial, but that loss of personal interaction with your beloved is torture. 

Diane R. E.

It is far from trivial and if anything it is to me one of the worst parts. I have said I miss everything small and big about my loving wife not being here with me. She had long curly hair and it was always getting all over the place and she would always say it wasn't hers and the things like that. The looks, the comments, the laugh, the smile, the touch, she was always coming up to me and sitting in my lap even after 35 years and I miss that. We didn't watch sports together because she watched TV with her Mother most of the time. Before her Mother moved in with us we had different things we did together and we may have watched some baseball games. We watched movies and we watched television shows or we could have watched the grass grow as long as we were together that was what mattered. We were looking forward to having our time alone together and enjoying each other and sadly it didn't happen.

[John9]

2 hours ago, cmp34 said:

It was the same for Paul and I, only for us it's college basketball.  Four weeks after he passed away, the season started.  Although I was a fan long before he was, I missed hearing his comments.  We also planned our snacks for the games.  I've watched our favorite team's games this year, but just eat whatever is in the house, instead of making it an event like we did.  I'm known for the huge Selection Sunday celebration I host every March, as the kickoff for March Madness.   Not sure what that's going to look like this year.  Also, my birthday is in March, his is in April, and our anniversary is right between them.  Spring will be hard.

 

28 minutes ago, cmp34 said:

Each time I've talked to a grief counselor, or attended a grief support group, I have been asked, "What do you miss the most?" Without hesitation, I answer, "Our conversations."  Just talking about our day, no matter how boring it would sound to other people, was what I looked forward to every day when he got home from work.

cmp34,

I don't know what it will like for you to deal with the upcoming events. My loving wife died in March and our son had his 30th Birthday in April and then many other events and then her Birthday in August and mine in September and everything else that has happened and keeps happening. I am still alive but don't really understand why, Our 35th Wedding Anniversary is on the 14th of January and if that doesn't kill me, then there is Valentines Day and then March 13th. We celebrated all of the created couples days and it was just something we enjoyed and it will be another painful unnecessary reminder of what I lost when they come around now. I too miss being able to talk and listen and vent about what happened in our days and how things were going and I really need to be able to do that now but can't. It isn't just my loving wife's death that I need to talk and vent about but I need to talk and vent about everything else I am going through. I need to talk to my best friend (my loving wife) about what to do and when we were together it seemed like nothing was too big to handle. Now every little thing is too much and nobody understands me when I talk about things. Nobody will ever understand me like my loving wife did because after 35 years we knew what the other was thinking sometimes and knew how to help if needed. That is one of the things that is just gone and can never be again. Even if I could or would have someone else in my life how do you start again and learn all of the nuances of someone else. I have said I am too old to make new old friends. And I agree in my own way boring was good, we could sit around and do nothing and be happy as long as we were together. Sorry if I am rambling.

[Carol34]

John, a lot of what you say sounds like what I'm dealing with.  This past summer, we spent hours every day just sitting on the patio.  Sometimes we talked.  Other times, we just sat there listening to the sounds of the neighborhood.  He loved hearing sounds the different birds make, and really liked it when an occasional hummingbird would stop by.  So when you said that you could have just watched the grass grow, it really hit home.  In our 20 years together, we did a lot of that.  Nobody will ever understand me the way he did.  I talk to my sisters, but they don't get what I'm saying.  And it's not the same anyway.  If I tell them anything is bothering me, they either try to fix it, or change the subject.  I miss him so much.  Every night, right before I go to bed, I tell him about my day.  I always end up in tears, but it's the closest thing I have to our chats when he'd come home from work. 

[John9]

12 hours ago, cmp34 said:

John, a lot of what you say sounds like what I'm dealing with.  This past summer, we spent hours every day just sitting on the patio.  Sometimes we talked.  Other times, we just sat there listening to the sounds of the neighborhood.  He loved hearing sounds the different birds make, and really liked it when an occasional hummingbird would stop by.  So when you said that you could have just watched the grass grow, it really hit home.  In our 20 years together, we did a lot of that.  Nobody will ever understand me the way he did.  I talk to my sisters, but they don't get what I'm saying.  And it's not the same anyway.  If I tell them anything is bothering me, they either try to fix it, or change the subject.  I miss him so much.  Every night, right before I go to bed, I tell him about my day.  I always end up in tears, but it's the closest thing I have to our chats when he'd come home from work. 

cmp34,

My loving wife and I loved sitting on the deck in the summer and watching nature, we enjoyed most of it. We worried about the Chihuahua's we had and the hawks that used to circle overhead. But mostly like you and your husband my wife really liked the sights and sounds of the birds. She had a book and binoculars to try to identify the ones in the yard. She liked having the bird feeders out so she could watch them from her chair in the living room too. So much that she did I was no longer able to continue because it made me too sad. I understand the comment about fixing or changing the subject. Our son doesn't try to fix anything but whenever I talk about his Mother he either changes the subject or he leaves the room, so I am walking on eggshells so I can be able to talk to him. I hate that there is nobody that understands what I need and how to help, even when I try to explain it. I don't really tell my loving wife about my day because I don't do anything but what I absolutely have to do and it isn't much. I talk to her all day and tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her. And I cry all day long and yes every night when I go to bed there are many many tears.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, cmp34 said:

I talk to my sisters, but they don't get what I'm saying.

I hear you.  My sisters care but do not have a clue what I've been through, now one of them lost her husband, she has joined the club I wish no one had to experience.  One is vacationing in HI with her husband, her world is so remote from mine.  The other thinks she has it rough, holed up with her husband in Covid...not minimizing that, she has a hard life being blind and unable to eat most things, but she does have her husband by her side.  I think most of us felt we could tackle anything WITH them...afterwards, its a whole new ballgame.  Alone.

[John9]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

I think most of us felt we could tackle anything WITH them...afterwards, its a whole new ballgame.  Alone.

KayC,

Yes that is why this is so hard, my loving wife and I did seem like we could handle just about anything. We weren't asking to be challenged, we were challenged but nothing ever prepared ME for these kinds of challenges. And again it is the ALONE part too that makes it harder. It is the part that is so hard to explain, even though people understand that our LOVED one died they don't comprehend the awful loneliness of having someone taken who was ALWAYS there and still should be. I am sorry for the loss that your sister is going through and as I have said I wouldn't want anyone else to ever have to go through this but many will.