Young Widowhood

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, Renee, you have lost exactly what I have. I cry for you too. To lose our babies is a torment. I hate that those of us in here either have or will soon lose our spouses. The loss is lonely and exhausting, but with the help of friends, we manage to carry on. I'm happy you have started hanging out here. Oh, you blessed soul! I stay home from church now, most Sundays, so our children can go. I stay home with my sweetie, because she's too weak to go. Our church has a radio broadcast, so we can at least hear what's going on. I miss playing there most. I play bass and guitar, so I get asked a lot to play something. I'm in NYC a lot for my agent playing other stuff, but I took a year off to be with my wife. They all don't like it, but too bad. If she's still alive, I'll take next year off too.

[cindysue]

Aprilsmom(Renee) we all are happy to have you here...its always nice makin new friends..I feel bad for you and Mark losing a child I don'nt know how that feels but I have heard losing a child is the most painful thing to go through I could'nt amagine..of losing Tina ,Angela or My baby Byron..I worry about losing Byron the most cause of his heart condition specially since Roger( my husband died of a massive heart attack...so now I am scared of losing my baby when they do the surgery..he goes in for another appointment Oct the 12th the doctors are tryin to get where he is older and can withstand the catherzation..but the last test he had showed he is gettin closer to havin it done..the thought of losing my baby is hard..to even think bout..I cry everyday just looking at Rogers pic..wondering how I can go on without him but I guess I don't have a choise but to do things now on my own and be a good mommy to Byron..Its always nice hearin from you..and I hope you can get through the hard times ahead I know the holidays are comming up and it will be very stressful..thats one thing I don't get excited about anymore.. nice hearing from you take care Renee

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, I am tryin to get through another day of depression...my nerves are pretty bad..and now I am breaking out with a rash on the back of my neck..maybe its nerves..I am scared and worried about the pregancay test I have to get again..and wondering what to do about it...I mean I will love the child as much as my other ones but I am not ready for this major thing that is happening with Byron havin bad dreams sometimes and him gettin into everything he can..he's such a sweetie..but a handful..but he's at the terrrible 2 stage..its wierd you have a daughter name Tina also thats my oldest daughters name..she comes over alot to check on me..I know this is kinda a short message but I gotta run Byron is gettin into everything..I gotta write Cindisue later also..was going to now but Byron won't let me..have a good day Mark and I hope Mary is doing good..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, try a little ice on your neck. Another Tina? What's this world coming to? tee hee. I know your Tina is as sweet and loving as mine. We have the best children in the world. As long as you don't have a Jennifer, right? I can't yet tell you my other one, because I really don't know her name. Soon. Take care of yourself. Spoil yourself with a bubblebath or something, and try to relax that stress just a little. I know you're afraid, so do what you must to protect you. If you want, hit the phone, and we'll be here, even at 3am. I'll say a prayer for ya for the depression, girl. If you get a little time between Byron things, email me about all that depression. I'll help you all I can. Did that crazy idea work last night?

Today isn't to bad, but still rough in our home. Lots of pain, and lots of stress. What else is new. We're getting there. I haven't yet said I need a good drunk when this is over, so I'm still doing well. We get no more than we can tolerate, right? Oh man, I'm a tough cookie. lol.

Big hug. love ya, Mark

[cindysue]

Mark, I am a stupid ,stupid and selfish girl here I am complaining to you and all when your wife is going through so much more I mean wow I really did'nt realize she was that young and going through so much this just is'nt fair how such a young woman has to have such a bad disease..I feel so bad now here I am complaining about my life when its excellant compared to what she is going through and you..Just the pain of losing Roger is takin a toll on me and I was not thinkin my mom is right I am selfish and don't think before I speak...you and Cindisue mean so much to me..and I would be heartbroken if anything bad happened to you...I don't even know if I deserve you two's friendship..I feel llike getting drunk to hide the pain of me being the way I am..I love everybody or least try too..I am going to the doctors this week cause I always have Iron problem also and just in April I had to have a Iron infusion cause my level; was only 7 when the normal is 14 maybe I am low again cause I feel so tired and weak all the time..depression can make you feel this way always too..yeah my Tina is a sweetheart she is 27 I have another daughter but her name is Angela she is 21..I miss her so much its been 5 monthes since I sen her cause she lives 4 to 5 hours away I would drive thier but I am afraid I would fall asleep on the road that how tired I am all the time..even though I can't sleep I feel drained..I am sorry for Mary makes me feel so bad for her to hear her suffing and it must be double hard for you..I will always be here for you and I mean that..thanks for always tryin to make me feel better..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) how you doing girlfriend? I am still the same depressed and I feel selfish and stupid...here I am rambling on about a;; my pain and bad luck when poor Mary has it worse then me..boy do I feel like I should be blessed but why don't I feel that way..I feel sad I HATE weekends and dread it so much..my eyes are always swollen how am I ever gonna feel better...let face it my mom is right she convinced me I am a woman that only thinks of myself Cindy I need to qiuit feelin sorry for myself she says..I don't mean too but I guess I do..I know alot more people are going through the same thing and I can feel thier pain..and I can feel yours..I been thinkin about you and wondering how your holding up..I'll bet havin that job helps alot I still wish you were Byron's teacher helping him..I know you would love him he would go right up to you and act shy and kiss you..he is a lovable little boy and I hope maybe someday when I do date again the guy will learn to love him also..cause he will always come first..well wednesday or Thursday I am gonna redo the pregnancy test and I am scared..of what will come out..I am hoping it is negative..you and Mark have helped me more then you know and I will never forget you...maybe someday we all can meet up..I know we would all have a great time together you me and Mark..you 2 are special people in my life your like angels that was sent to me.. not you really must think I am crazy..but thats what I am thinkin...well girlfriend I hope your havin a better day then me will talk to you soon again..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh Cindysuuuuuuuue. . . you are so smart and wise and caring and sweet. You are a great Mom, and have the sweetest little boy in the world (even if he does get into everything - it's normal for him to do that). Now, it's okay to feel down in the dumps, but please, girl, don't call yourself stupid, pleeeeeeeeeez. (((hugs))) I'm worried about the Iron, so take care of it. This will cause fatige, and that can be part of the depression. I know the other stuff causing depression, but this you can conrol. Take care of it. If you want to see Angela, I'll just take a little trip to make sure you get there safely. So what? Uh hmmmmmm!!!!! You don't think of yourself, girl. You think a lot of my family, and worry yourself sick over us. Please be gentle on you. I'm not you, but I finally hit the point of telling my parents to shove off. We now get along a little, although our conversation is so limited. Right, Cindisue?

Yes, my situation is painful. I'd give it all, and live homeless to have her healthy again. At least I'd have the love of the woman I always have loved to keep me going. I have changes coming my way. I'm going to adjust, and I'll survive. I think we all hate these (censored) weekends. We just need to have our own parties, even if in cyberspace. tee hee. I have a few things to deal with, so take care. love ya, with a big hug. ME

[withani]

Renee...I am so glad you're here...your in put is very well received here and I have read an Observed Grief...very very good. I hope you continue to be on this website. I can't imagine having lost a child...I have three..26..23..and 17. As you know you are welcome here!!!! CindiSue/WIthani

[withani]

Mark...I'm glad you are here and have such wonderful advice for CindySue...you are right about the dad/parent thing...just clearing the air..as we know it kinda sucks for a awhile but then we have a new respect for them and them for us. Hope you are having a good day...hugs and love CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...I'm only writing short messages today because I'm tired but I had to say DON'T GET DOWN ON YOURSELF GIRLFRIEND!!! You don't know how beautiful you are...a wonderful mother..a caring person...and yes you have been my angel. There are many days and although working now is making it a little better..but many days I don't want to get outta bed except to read the messages that you and Mark have left. Inspirational...for sure!!! The weekends are not fun...but tolerable. One day we will smile like we mean it...I promise!!!! Love and Hugs...CindiSUe

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I've been concerned lately about my wife's delusions, which happen in the latter stages of this dystrophy. She has been telling me all kinds of things, like our boys have mailed unpaid bills she's hid. She also told her doc that I'm abusing her. Okay, that one really hurts. I feel like someone just killed me. I have no desire to fight her illness now. It won. Maybe I just need a break, a little trip back home. I need to take care of medical things here today, but depending on stuff, maybe I'll go home (Ottawa) this weekend. I have an old friend in Toronto I'd like to see.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Mark: "Whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely...think on these things". You just need a break guy, so that you can come back STRONG. It was a warm sunny day here yesterday and I was so bummed that those days are almost over for this year. Last night I thought I heard thunder but then I thought, no, It must be in my dream....well it poured rain and everything smells so good outside. April loved the rain.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are of good report. If there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these.

April has the most wonderful Mom! I can just picture how you raised her, which brings me to tears. I have good news today, and a little bad. Good, we received "the call." We are in the rotation for the treatment of her dystrophy. The bad news, she's had a stroke, so she can be dropped from the rotation by the anesthesiology team, or the cardiology team. The treatment increases her risk for sroke or heart attack, and as weak as she is, they told me she has little chance of survival. May I cry now?

[withani]

Mark....I'm so sorry to hear about the state of things with Mary....you really need a break if there's anyway you can make that happen...the caregiving is trying to swallow you up!!! I know what it's like with the delusions...Gary had many stories last year and if made me feel like I was going crazy??!! I didn't know you where from Ottawa...interesting. Take care of yourself Mark..you're gonna need your strength..I agree with Renee so you come back STRONG my friend...hugs and love CindiSue/WIthani

[withani]

Renee...I know what you mean about being "bummed out" by these beautiful days almost over and heading towards winter. I really hate that time of year!!!! I enjoyed reading about how April loved the rain...I agree with Mark that you are a Most Wonderful Mother and how loved April has felt. I have a 23 year old daughter and I can't imagine what it must be like for you (((HUGS)))) I'm glad you're here Hugs..Love..Hugs...Withani/CindiSue

[withani]

Miss CindySue...I got your email and LOVED the story...what a treasure to have a box filled with kisses. I hope your day is better today and Bryon is giving you lots of love and hugs!!! I've felt kinda panicky the last couple days...seems I get like that when the seasons are changing with Gary gone. I too wish I were Bryons teacher so I could play with him. I'm declaring Thursday nights as my Peanut night and am having him spend the night on Thursdays. I miss the little guy...he spent the night last Thursday and we had a blast!

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) I had to send you and Mark that story when someone sent that too me it bought tears to my eyes..the story is so true and very sad..you never realize how much you love someone till they all gone forever ..I wish I would have done things so much different like mayeb tell Roger I loved him more I mean when he said Cindy you know I love you don't you he said this 15 min before he died and I just thought he was being sill I go of course I do..then I said Ok what did you do..I thought maybe he maybe spent money on a new boat or somethin..but he just said nothing I just wanted you to know that then he told the baby he was always gonna be daddy's little boy..then he was gone..and I keep thinkin about that..he must had this strange feeling he was gonna die real soon..but I can't go back in time and keep bringing this up I am sorry I keep talkin about it..just wish I would have leaned over and kissed him one last time.. but I just said I know you do and I love u too..but why did'nt I just kiss him..so many things I wish I could or would have done diffrent..oh well..anyways, Cindisue I am glad you get your sweet little peanut Thursdays he is such a little sweetie..bet you spoil him rotten..but who would'nt he is adorable I love little kids so much..speciall thier ages so innocent and when they talk its so cute..my little Byron tries so hard to talk..he still says one word at a time..and he is 29 monthes old..what am I doing wrong he tries and gets so frustrated..he is still pretty small he can still wear his pants from last winter..he is just gonna be small I guess not gonna take after Roger thats for sure..he looks like his daddy so much though..he said 2 words today and he put them together I was so happy for him..thats the first time he ever done that..he was watchin a taco bell comercial and on the comercial they go Im full and he smiles and laughs when they say that and then he looked at me and go's I full I started laughin and I have'nt laughed in weeks..but it was so cute..well I am gonna go for now give Peanut a kiss for me..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, My sweet friend, I hope things are better for you I really enjoy gettin you messages..you and Cindisue are such good friends..today I laughed for the first time in weeks Byron saw a taco bell comercial and on that they said Im full and he was just a lughin and looks at me and go's I full and I thought that was so cute thats the first time he put 2 words together..I was so proud of him he tries so hard..he made me smile and laugh and like I said I have'nt done that in a long time..I sent you a message on your email a story someone sent me it bought tears to my eyes and it was a sweet story..I am so sorry Mary is still in so much pain..I feel so bad they can't do nothing more for her..but the thought of knowin she is'nt gonna be around very long has got to be hard..knowin thier gonna die would tear me up...my Roger died so fast I was'nt prepared but knowin thier gonna die soon..makes you wonder everyday if thier gonna be alive when you wake up..I am so sorry you are going through that...my day was ok..I am still very much depressed and scared but tomorrow I am gonna redo my test...boy am I scared and won't know what to do if I am..well I guess whatever happens is meant to be..but I pray I am not..Mark thankyou for help in my depression you and Cindisue I can always count on you 2..and I will never forget either of you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Aprilsmom..I did'nt wanna leave you out..I hope your doing ok..I been thinkin about you and the pain you must be feeling losing your daughter..like I said before I can not amagine losing a child..I can't even get over my husbands death and it was a year Aug the 1st...but he gave me the best 28 years of marriage I could ever hope for we were best friends for 31 years and married 28 of them and I think of him everyday..my mother and father-in-law lost 2 kids one son at the age of 30 he had cancer and then my husband Roger and my mother-in-law still cries over this she has one remaining child left my sister-in-law..my father-in-law calls me up cryin all the time..they are both in thier 80's and they are takin it so hard my husband was thier youngest..losing 2 children I can not amagine how it would feel but they are not doing good the cry all the time and are so depressed I wanna make them feel better but how when I am just as depressed..thier health is giving out since Roger died I think they are both giving up..they say time..it takes..but Renee please know I am thinking of you and hope your son-in-law can also get through this..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[aprilsmom]

Good morning all, that's what is so great about this site; I never feel left out, like I'm enjoying the GOOD parts of all of you - the kids, your sense of humors even through the heartaches. I can picture your husbands, our children, all reaching out their arms to hold and comfort us. I know with all my heart that they don't want us to be this way forever. Have a peaceful day. Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm such a bundle of nerves today. Did my doctor appointment, and my blood pressure is going crazy. Maybe I'll move to Tibet and try that wierd stuff of staring at the walls - boring. My doc even asked if I had started using again, which I haven't. Like I need the trash. Tina will be here in six hours, and then we get no rest. She's soooooooooo hyper. hehehe. Like father, like daughter?

I have to put December out of my head. If I keep thinking of her being in a coma for a week, I'm going to go insane. I need to deal with my own stress in a better way. While she's in hospital, I've decided to take a little vacation back home to Canada, maybe. I'd like to see some old friends, and need to catch up on things. Who knows? Maybe I'll just stay there. I just can't deal with her being so ill and me being so useless to help. This is a part of it, I know.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, that is so cute for Byron to say that! Now he's getting the ideas in there, and it won't be long before he's saying almost everything. We'll protect his innocence. I hope today is perfect for you, girl. Take each moment, each thing that happens, one by one. Whatever happens with the test, I'm right here, well, about 650 miles away, but you can use my shoulder anytime to cry on. Take care of the things you must, all those little vitamins and things. Take care of your feelings, so you can have a little you time. I know Byron gives you so little of that, but take those moments when you can, and cherish them. These are yours. Is the situation with your in laws adding to your stress and sorrow? It kinda sounds like they lean on your more than you lean on them. Be gentle with them and you. Whatever ya need, we'll help ya, just cuz we'z friends. hugs, love, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, you're the greatest! Thanks for being such a caring friend. Where would we be without you? (blub blub blub - sinking). I'm feeling a little better about my sweetie today, even though I'm scared out of my brain over the thought of a medically induced coma for a week. I just need to not think of that, and go on with the daily routine. She still needs me today. I don't know if I told, but I'm born in the States, and left home at 13, moving to Canada. That's how I ended up calling Ottawa home, even though I once again live in the States. My honey lets me go back once in awhile to visit, but she's always worried I'm not coming back here. I love it there so much. Be good to yourself, and go for that idea with Peanut. He's such a perfect angel of a child. If he gets into stuff, laugh. Someday, we're all going to sit around the nursing home and laugh hysterically about our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Do that special for you today. You earned it, and you're such a beautiful person, caring so much. Spoil yourself a little. hugz n luv, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, it's good to have a place to let this pain go free, and to kick back a little. It may not show in here, but I'm such a smart mouth and practical joker. But when it all gets to being serious, I'm there. I take this busines of dying all too seriously, and I have too many reasons. I just don't like to put it in public. Too painful. April is with you, maybe not in a way you can see all the time, but she's with you. I know. Jennifer is always with her Dad. I miss her so much at times, and it's wild saying that, when I never looked into her eyes. What a sweet child. Take care today. She loves her Mom. Here's a hug for you, from a dad and granddad.

[lauraa]

Mark,

I know you are struggling....try to stay in the moment and concentrate of your breathing...it helps. Just keep positive thoughts...even if you have to scrap for something to feel good about. Remember, Mary hears everything you say to her and she is the love of your life.....I am quite sure she was instrumental in supporting you to get through some of your roughest times. That my friend is a bond many people have never known. What a gift! Enjoy your time with your daughter while she is visiting. Give yourself the freedom to enjoy the day with all it has to offer. I tell myself "today" is all I have and it's all any of us have......breathe! I have you all in my prayers!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, thank you. I just got in from the airport, and it's like I have to remember how much fun it is to have her home. She's so full of life and energy. Laura, you're a dear friend. Now that I'm done spouting off about me, how's your son feeling? And are you keeping well? I think of your family often, and I keep you in prayer. Have a happy evening, and a good night's rest. Now, I'm going to figure out what that "freedom" you wrote about is. I going to play horseshoes in the yard with my kids.

[withani]

CindySue...that is so funny about Bryon put together the two words that say "I'm Full"...I bet that brought tears to your eyes from LAUGHING!!!!

I know what you mean about how you wish you could have done things differently....I'd like to press the rewind button myself...I think it's only natural to want to second guess everything we did and to feel like we should have done this or that but I have a hunch that Roger and Gary both would say "I Wouldn't Have Changed a Thing". It's funny/strange that Roger said to you You Know That I Love you Cindy...and Gary said to me I Love You Sooooooo Much before they passed. They REALLY DID Cindy and how fortunate we are to have been given that GIFT. Some people go through their whole life not ever knowing love. That's why our hurt is so profound.....

I guess we're still on the one day at a time plan...that seems to work the best and we shouldn't expect more. One day girlfriend..we're gonna smile and mean it

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[withani]

Mark...I am so happy you have Tina visiting...I agree with Laura that you need to allow yourself the freedom to enjoy the day. You have so much on your plate now my friend that if you can steal a moment or two of happiness and peace go with it!!!!

I'm sure you have many fond memories of Ottawa...do you ever meditate to conjure Canada and in particularly Ottawa in your mind???

Why the medically induced coma...did I miss something?

Take care and ENJOY YOURSELF!!!! Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Aprilsmom/Renee....I totally believe that our loved ones are reaching out their arms to hold and comfort us and I believe they have all brought us together for this reason. I know they are with us spiritually and are happy that we have found each other so we're not so alone in our grief. Hugs..love..hugs...Withani/CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) I am sooo sad I took the prganacy test again today.. it showed positive again ..what am I gonna do??? I don't want another child maybe it still wrong tomorrow I am going to the doctors to have him check...oh this would be really nice if I was'nt I would be soooo happy..I been cryin all day..twice it showed positive..I am so stupid to even do this with this man..man I should have known..I know I am beating myself up for this but its my fault why did'nt I stop it..why did I have to get drunk..I feel like trash now..gosh I don't know what to do..maybe tomorrow will show different..Byron was so cute sayin the things he does..he loves certain comercials and shows he likes price as right cause he likes it that they are clapping he smiles so bright and claps too..it was cute in the car I was lookin at somethin and I was talkin out loud and said boy thats nice and Byron go;s nice mama I was so shocked when he said that..when I stopped the car I told him give mama a hug and he wrapped his arms around my neck so tight..and then I don't know I started cryin and he put my hands down out of my face and looked at me and kissed me..and he was wiping my tears away..I may be crazy but Roger always do that too whenever I would cry he would move my hand wipe my tears and kiss me just like BYron did..I was shocked...well Cindisue wish me alot of luck tomorrow I pray it all comes out negative..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Byron

[cindysue]

Mark, How you doing I am so sorry to hear about Mary..wow a drug induced coma that will be so hard to deal with..I feel so bad for you and your family...well my tests cam back positive again.. but tomorrow I am going to the doctors in the mornin to have him check too..what am I gonna do how am I gonna deal with this..Byron acts so sweet he acts like his daddy more and more everyday..when I was cryin today he was takin my hands away from my face and he wiped my tears away and said somethin I have no idea what he said then he just kissed me..and It brought so many memories cause when I would cry Roger used to go up th me and do the same thing he would move my hand and wipe my tears and kiss me..how could Byron pick that up he is only 2 years old..I mean he could'nt have remembered his daddy doing that he was only 15 monthes when Roger died..it just really got to me and I could help but give him a big hug and when I did he was patting my back..he did the funnest thing today I have to tell you about shoot I forgot to tell Cindisue in my letter hopefully she will read this too but I was takin a shower and when I cam out he was in the living room he got my bra and was tryin to put it on..I go Byron wahat are you doing he looked at me and go's bra mama and he was tryin to put it around him..I was laughin he was so cute..I was shocked he knew what that was...he musty have been listening to me when I would talk about stuff..he was so cute doing that..lol..he made me laugh today..and made me forget about my problems even for a little bit..well I hope my test coem out just the way I want it tomorrow..give Mary a hug for me and I send you one too have got both of you in my prayers..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindiSue, how are you today? It seems all too often I'm wallowing in my pity over losing my daughter and caring for my wife, my choo choo gets side tracked. For that, I'm sorry. I really do care so much for how you are doing, and chasing after Peanut. He's a special little one. Make each moment special, because you have a beautiful spirit. It will help you face the sorrow of your loss, and walk you through the day.

I have a constant fondness and memory of certain things, events, and people in Ottawa. I may not get into a meditation for it, but maybe I should. I miss home so much. I may not have family, but many friends there. My almost ex is now in Toronto, but we spent almost four years in the capital. I used to drive between Montreal and Oshawa, Ontario in a transport. If I can remember, I'll send you a pic of the transport I ran up there. It may be slow, but it sure is ugly. I drove truck 14 years with no wrecks and no tickets.

A hug for you, and luv, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, what a boy! hee hee hee! He's a treasure. That should help with the blues. Are you getting through the depression alright, or what's up? I'm right here for you with all you need. Just let me get my heart back up to speed now that my little girl is home again (hyper child), and I'll see what we can do to help with your pregnancy . First, that insurance matter you told me about a while ago should be taken care of now. You need your doc to put the positive in writing, but then Byron should get his insurance with no hassles. If you get into a mess with it, I'll help you sort it out. I love a good fight. (yes, that rampaging cripple comes to mind). Just lean on us. We'll take care of you, as much as you need. We'll be there. hugs for you, with love, Me

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) well I am pregnant but I will be going into the hosp ..for a few days my health is not good I am severly anemic my Iron is only 7 and 14 is the normal range plus I am dehydrated and malnuriched..plus the medication I was on for depression and pain they think it was probably too much for the baby and I am at a very high risk for that reason..plus my health is not good...so they may need to give me medication to abort the baby..but first they wanna run tests but if its a risk to my health continueing with the pregnancy I am gonna abort it I have to be here for Byron he needs me..I feel so selfish but I could'nt stand if thier was a problem with the baby..plus if my health gets worse I can't take the chance..am I being selfish???? I feel like I am but I am only 6 weeks ..but I am cryin cause I don't wanna end it but I don't wanna worry about if I am gonna be around or if the baby will make it..I can't stand the pain.. I can't stop cryin I made such a mess of my life..then if thats not bad enough my mother bitched at me again today..sayin I should have tooken better care of myself..and ate more...but I was so nervous I could'nt eat..I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and I can't afford to lose any more weight...Darn Cindisue I am so depressed if it was'nt for you and Mark I would give up..thankyou for being my friend...even though I am crazy and stupid..and don't think and am lazy... well I am gonna miss you and Mark and everyone on here..Iwill be in a few days maybe I will be back Monday...I hope you and Mark don't forget about me...miss you both...Tina is gonna watch Byron for me its gonna hurt me not seeing my baby..but I am doing this so I can care for him..well I will talk to you when I return...take care Cindisue..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Hi another message for you..thanks for always thinkin bout me in my rough time..how am I ever gonna feel better knowin what I am gonna do...I can't stop cryin..I feel so bad..but like I said I gotta think of Byron...and my girls..I am gonna miss you and Cindisue so much...please don't forget about me...I feel real lonely..and I don't wanna go in but I have too...but plese know you and Mary and Cindisue are always on my mind...I made such a mess of my life did'nt I? I am not gonna tell this guy anything he does'nt need to know anything and right now he is the last person I wanna talk too...well I am gonna go cause I gotta check on Byron..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, Between Cindisue and me, we have lots of shoulders for you to cry and lean on. You may call anytime, day or nite. YOU didn't make the mess, sweet friend. YOU tried to be trusting, and this just happened. Don't waste your time on that guy, and don't even think of him now. Just rest your spirit in your friends who care about you. All my thoughts and prayers will be with you. hugs and love to an awesome friend, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Good Morning, Cindisue, withani. I just dragged my sorry self out of bed to look at another day. It's the most beautiful thing to hear, the two women in this house chattering away like they are. I hope you are having the best of days. Take real good care of yourself. Spoil yourself rotten, you deserve it. I'm going to see about waking up now. Talk later. hugs n luv, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, good morning, or whatever time it is. Don't ya just love those bums who play music all night. It's a stress reliever. Are you doing okay? I know the things you are going through all too well, and I think of you often with a little added prayer for peace. Just think of God getting a giggle out of some WOodstock flower child praying for people. hehehe. I was there in Yasgur's farm. My step sister took me. I'm enjoying my girls today, just letting them talk, and me staying out of the way. It's good for my wife to have time to talk to her. They need the time to build a little of the love that will help carry our family through the future. Take care of yourself, and give your son in law some of your time, too. Catch ya later. hugs, Me

[aprilsmom]

Actually i like that image of the flower child; I'm 51 so I could have been there too---SSOOOOOOOOOO Cindysue- It's all us flower children storming the gates of heaven with our prayers for you and an outcome that will bring you peace. Take Care

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi, Renee, oh you missed a party there (right)- you would have been just another teenager. There was more mud and garbage everywhere than at the town dump. Someday, my grandson may understand Woodstock, but I hope not. If you get a message from an angel that we're jammin' up the prayer lines to Heaven just on Cindysue, tell that angel to get more lines. Have a good nyt! Mark

[withani]

Hello CindySue, Mark and Renee!!!!

CindySue...I'm sorry to hear about your positive pregnancy test only because I know the circumstances surrounding....this is a very difficult decision and whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and Bryon has to be the #1 priority. Girlfriend...I'm worried about your low iron too...I had low iron a few years ago and was anemic and had to take iron pills. I think you know by know that whatever happens you have the support and shoulders of myself and Mark and I think Renee would join in also. Don't beat yourself up over it we all make judgement mistakes...I've made plenty myself and to be honest..I really don't understand how someone guy or girl can take advantage of someone in such a vulnerable position. Forget you my friend...NEVER!!!!! Both you and Mark have been so instrumental in my personal healing process and I feel this connection that will go on forever. Get healthy please...I need you

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

Mark...your letters to me are always so kind and I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear your positive words. Walking through my days I do have to face my sorrow...now way around it...Peanut stayed all night last night and makes me laugh...we had a big old time eating macaroni and cheese and taking the garbage out...everything I give him he says "thank you nana". How cute is that! The children where I work keep my mind off me and directed towards helping them which I am eternally greatful for. I read something on one of our brochures yesterday for the Rehabilitation Center which said Grow Where You are Planted...I like that and am going to incorporate it in my life. I'm glad you heard the sound of two woman chatting when you woke to today...how uplifting. I'm sure you and Tina are enjoying you visit and that it makes Mary happy. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

Renee...I like the term Flower Child as well...I'm 48 and consider myself a flower child...it's a good place to be. I hope your day found you in good spirits and I'm glad you're here...hugs..love..hugs...Withani/CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, withani, how are you tonight? I hope you're doing well, and having fun with Peanut. He's a sweet little guy, a part of the way you heal. I can see you two having all that fun cooking and eating macaroni and cheese. My grandson loves it too. He's such a part of my heart. I have no greater happiness than being with my family. I'm totally devoted to them. I agree with you about Cindysue's fears, we'd never forget her. What a friend! I just want to see her back here safe and healthy. We're all deeply concerned for her, and prayers are from all our hearts for her. This don't mean you get less attention. We still think of you just as much, and worry about you too. You're a big girl, and know you shouldn't run with scissors (meaning, keep out of trouble and don't get hurt). Go out and have fun, but be careful. Just keep your eyes open for whatever (you know). hugs n luvs, Me

[withani]

Mark...ahhhhh thank you...i'm glad you know I'm a big girl...and gotta watch out for runnin' with scissors which I tend to do...unforunately...I keep my eyes open...went on a date this evening..nice guy...we went out to dinner and then dancing and I don't know what he said but I know it ended with me cryin' about Gary...(true to form)......

Someday I'll get this dating thing right...I guess....

Hope this weekend finds you well...hugs and love withani/cindisue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, that's a place I haven't been in ages - dating. Don't let the tears make you feel bad about the date, but good about Gary. The tears are your love. It will always be there, and should a man ever be able to accept Cindisue, he needs to accept this part of you too. It's good to see you able to enjoy a little happiness like this. As long as he treated you well, with the courtesy a dear lady like you deserves. Take your time, you'll get the dating thing together. I have confidence in you.

We're tending to my wife today. She tired out badly yesterday at the truck show, but she had to go. . . Last night was so bad. She's in agony. Outside of that, we're doing okay, and having fun together. It's good to have my little girl home. She's good for her step-mom. They get along so well. It's also good for me to have a little break from the constant task of caring for her. I've been talking to my daughter and a close friend who sees my wife frequently, and they are concerned about that stuff she's been going through lately. She keeps wanting me to leave, which looks like her way of protecting our children and me from her pain and death. But she's becoming more pronounced, even vindictive recently. It's like she's trying to start fights to get me to do this. I'm a stubborn old crow.

Enjoy yourself, and have fun with the children. I know you will. luv n hugz, Mark

[withani]

Hi Mark....I know you're right that if I ever decide I'm ready for a relationship the person will have to accept my love for Gary because it's a part of me. I was treated like a lady which was nice and was fun to go out but I do feel that I lack enthusiasm and after a date I think...well that's enough of this guy!

I'm glad you and Mary went to the truck show...I'm sure it does her some good to get out and I think it's great that Mary and Tina get along so well. I'm sure it's been some relief and peace for you. I can understand Mary wanting you and the kids to leave here and there. Gary did something like that the last six months actually...his son and I did several things then...do you think it's the methadone???

I hope CindySue is doing well this weekend...I worry about our friend. Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Cindisue, thank you for thinking so much of me and my family. I hope you're well today. If you don't feel right about getting into serious dating, don't. Don't do anything your heart says no to, okay. Just go with what you feel is right for you. I don't know how I'm going to respond to this issue. I'm so pushed into it, I may try immediately with a disaster, or never bother.

I don't know if it's methadone, being such a low dose, causing her delusions. These are serious. She has been through ketamine treatment, so it may be that. I don't know. All I know is, she's getting so insufferably mean. Our 12 year old is in therapy for anxiety, and our 17 year old won't come home, now spending all his time at his girlfriend's home. She named a friend, and told me to leave her and marry this friend. Not once, but almost daily. I'm devoted to my marriage vows, so I can't and won't violate them. Never. I love my wife to whatever end. But what am I supposed to do? If you have an idea, I don't care how funky it sounds, I would like to hear it. My children are getting frazzled. I get almost no sleep. Oh, sorry, I sleep in parking lots.

To do a positive for me, I'm working with a doctor to try to reverse the neurological illness I have. If this works, I will be able to return to driving a tractor trailer. Already, a company has offered me a job with an insane pay, just because of my qualifications. I'm trained in explosives and nuclear hauling, and I have almost a million safe miles with no tickets & no wrecks. Hauling explosives, I better have a safe record. lol.

Have fun with the children. I know how much they brighten your smile. I have some new pics of my grandson, so when I scan them, I'll send you an update. He's getting so big!

Cindysue should be back tomorrow. I'm worried sick about her too. I have confidence this will turn out well for her, but we can still worry, right?

luvz n hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

aprilsmom. Oh, Renee. . . Where you at? It's been too quiet without you here. I hope you're well, and just enjoying a perfect weekend.

If the fact that I was a driver upset you in any way, please forgive this. My career was in Canada, hauling explosives into northern Quebec. I have a perfect safety and driving record. If I knew I was upsetting you, I would never touch another rig. I truly mean that. It's just the way this Plymouth Brethren boy is.

Take care, and know, I'm always here for you. 1Thes5.17.(I think you know)

hugs, Mark

[aprilsmom]

Hi Mark, No, no, I don't feel bad about trucks; someday I will show up on the driver's doorstep and introduce myself. I spoke with him twice on the phone and he hasn't driven since the accident. I feel so bad for him. One thing I did notice however was how darn BIG those Peterbilts are. There are lots of big rigs around here because we have so much building going on. When one pulls up next to me, it's very overwhelming. I have seen the one that was in the accident on several occasions. Funny, it didn't have a scratch on it. I should e-mail you the pics of April's 4Runner. Gosh, she loved that truck! Since YOU know, please tell me that April never felt a thing. She was rolling, he was going about 52 mph. He told me that he thought he saw her take one breath after the impact. I've just had a rough couple of days; went to church and wanted to run up and shake my pastor and DEMAND that he tell me that everything we believe is REALLY REALLY true.....funny, my faith is so STRONG for everyone but myself. I hope you had a great visit with your daughter.

[aprilsmom]

Mark, you're needed on the coping with loss thread. R-

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, after receiving the photos, I sat for about an hour in tears. I am in such pain for you. As a father, I know your sorrow. As a driver, I know your questions and anger. I bear such pain in my soul, I may not get through this, but if you really want me to answer, I'll try. Never read this unless you really want to know. I mean it, my dear friend. I only want you comforted, not sickened. There is no way the driver could have seen what he said while stopping a 52 mph truck during a wreck. From the photos you sent me, I believe completely that April was with Jesus within two tenths of a second. This is still not comforting to you by much, but you know that she never hurt, never felt pain. I hope and pray this comforts you. Rest your Mom's heart. She's having fun with Jennifer, and a few other young ladies I know are there. I'll be over to the adult child thread. I've been reading, but it's been painful lately. Her birthday is coming up on October 16. Mark