Young Widowhood

[cindysue]

Mark, I guess I needed to hear that...thankyou..I try so hard and I love Byron with all my heart..I feel so bad cause he is afraid of things and clings on me..but I am all he's got...the harder I try the worst she treats me..she called me up today cause she was'nt done bitchin at me I guess..and I have to hear it the same thing again..she said I was selfish and all I think of is poor Cindy..and that is'nt true..she thinks I am not lettin Byron grow up and thats why he is the way he is..she constantly tells me get rid of the computer you don't need to talk to anyone else when you have all of us...just like when I dated the one guy she bitched about that and told me you could'nt have cared about Roger that much or you would'nt have even considered dating a year after Roger died..she waited 20 years to see anyone after my dad died and I guess she expects me to do the same..I mean I will never love anyone like I did Roger but I want someone to love me again someday..but maybe I am wrong to want that ..I don't know what is right anymore I am always messin up just ask her..according to her I am a bad mother..I am tryin real hard to potty train Byron but it is'nt easy..he has a mind capasity of a 1 yeard and 5 months..and I guess thats my fault too.. He is talkin better..but can't really say sentences yet..he tries so hard..and I would do anything for him that is why I have him going to preschool..tomorrow he is havin PT and OT and the school that should help him to maybe do things like run..eithout fallin..he is such a happy baby and I love him so much..and worry about him..the harder I try the worst it is it seems..but I will let you know how tomorrow cames out with his school..Cindysue

Love Ands Hugs to You And Mary..

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue)Well my dad was'nt any better my mom is after me again..I am not sure you had a chance to read my other letter or not but it will explain what I went through Sunday with my mom...talk about feelin like a failure..she is good her and my stepdad at makin me feel like I don['t care bout no one but myself..I wish Byron was not to shy of other people but he is and since he is it bring out my mom bitchin about that..he clings on me so much and when my mom was bitchin at me Byron kept huggin and kissing me cause he hates to see me cry but my mom makes me cry all the time..I am even Afraid to talk about Roger to her cause if I do she thinks I need to get over it..like thats easy to do..she says why do you talk on the computer to other people when you have your family..she just don't understand it makes me feel good to tell other people ehrnever I tell her my feelings and tell her things she brings it up when we get in a fight to my face..I love my mother but I don't know what to do no more about her..well the other letter I wrote you Sunday will kinda explain what I went through that day with her..well I am gonna lay down..I am tired from all that fighting her her..will talk to you later girlfriend..Cindysue

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, I hope I'm not stomping on your toes, but I'm not a good dancer. Anyhow, you're a grandmother, so how can your mother tell you who or when to love? I mean, don't you have a little adult say in this? I still say you are a beautiful Mom, and it shows even more! You're sending Byron to preschool, and PT and OT, and that's so sweet of you! You have raised girls, so you have the fortunate blessing of not knowing that boys are L A Z Y when it comes to potty training. He'll get it. And, of course this adorable little boy is going to be a little "delayed" for awhile. He's grieving too. It's going to take time to get him through this, and then he'll pick up his marbles and move on. If he doesn't have the sentences down by three, see your pediatrician, not your mother. Here's a hug for a dear friend, a great Mom, and simply put, a good person to know. luv ya buddy.

[withani]

CindySue...I know it's hard but try not to worry to much about your mother. YOU are a WONDERFUL MOTHER...you and Bryon obviously have a very closed relationship and it may be part of his personality to be shy. I feel very defensive when I think someone is judging my friends and I consider both you and Mark here to be good friends. I talk about both of you to my nongrieving friends like...well my friend CindySue said...or my friend Mark told me...lol!!! I want someone to give you a break girlfriend!!!! It's only been a year since Roger's passing and you and he were together since you were 15..you know of nothing other than being Roger's wife so if it's a shrine you want build it!!! I talk about Gary in everyday conversation like he's here because he is...and I know people think why doesn't she move on..I can see it in their eyes when I say his name but I don't care..he was such an important part of my life that I'm never letting go...I'll live and be productive only because I have to for my children. I'm just counting down the days until I get to be with him again. I probably sound like I lost it and in many ways I have but then again...I don't care...I talk to Gary every night and tell him I hope he's getting our log home together and playing music with John Lennon and all the great musicians on the other side so he can teach me when I eventually arrive. Until then I will work on appreciating each day and strive for peace and happiness but to totally move on...I know me and I know that's never gonna happen. I'll even date and one day may even have some kind of relationship but that won't mean I've moved on...it will just mean that's where I am for the time being.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad CindySue...you have so much to be proud of...hold your head high girlfriend!!! Love and hugs from CindiSue

[withani]

Mark...a new car for your anniversary is such a wonderful gesture and I'm sure it will make Mary very happy. I know it's gotta be difficult witnessing Mary connecting the dots...Gary had trouble with that towards the end and I know I felt like we were disconnecting and in retrospect..his spirit probably was so he could go. The methadone for pain unfortunately I'm all too familar with as well...I'm sorry the two of you have to go through this and I guess the best thing I can say is to make each day count...by keep trying to connect. I took the last week for granted and spent a lot of time in guilt...wouldn't wish that on anyone.

As far as the little angels go...there is so much love in my classroom thanks to the angels. I've been with this group for less than a week and they're already hugging me and fighting over who's going to sit next to me and on my lap. I hated reducing my salary when I accepted this position but how can one put a price on this experience??? Exactly what the doctor ordered for me and it truly is helping me to find my new path in life. Who would've known that my salvation would come pint sized...angels indeed.

Take care...hugs and love..Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

withani, CindiSue. Good morning, my friend. I hope you are well today, and having more fun than a barrel of monkeys in a banana plantation. I sat in tears reading you had to endure that methadone and cognative stuff too. I'm not talking about guilt: I'm filled with it. We have been cutting our cords for awhile, and as much as I hate it, I know we need to do it to save ourselves the agony of what lies ahead. I just don't want to say goodbye. I have thought of going back to work full time, but I need to be home with her now. I have income, even though it's not as much as I want. Life goes on. I went to a car show last night with my neighbor. My older son stayed home with his Mom. He's an awesome young man. While we were at the show, my grandson called me. Whoa, was he ever wound up! Grandpa! I did ... at preschool today. I'm gonna tickle Mommy. When are you coming to see me? I was laughing so hard, I was in tears. If those little angels are fighting over you already, you have a natural gift with children. Enjoy every moment of the day. And, please, do something for you tonight. You deserve the nurturing. hugs and luv, Mark

[cindysue]

Mark, well byron went through PT and OT today at his school..and he did'nt do to well..he was actin off real bad and had a rough time..he kept wanting to bang his head on the floor he seemed to be frustrated..he only measured 15 months..and he is 29 monthes old...and that was PT ob the OT they haven't told me yet..what his score is but I think that was low also..he tries so hard but seems to get frustrated...he was cryin alot..thier..and clinging to me all I wanted to do was just hold him and reasure him...I feel like such a failure with him..they said he runs like he just started walkin and walks that way too..I feel like I am not doing enough for him..he has to be In PT 2 times a week for awhile ..so they can help him..I wish I knew what to do to help him..I feel so upset..I feel like its all my fault and I should be doing more for him..he is everything to me..he's like a baby..the hard part is watchin him try so hard and him gettin upset cause he can't do it..which upsets me.. I am just gonna keep tryin times like this I wish Roger was around to help me its so hard tryin to do this myself but I am gonna do what I can...thankyou Mark for your sweet and nice words to me with yours and Cindisues encouragement I feel like I can do it more..thanks for being my friend I really need it right now...I hope Mary is doing good today I am always thinkin of her and how your doing...Your Friend..Cindysue

Love And Hugs to You And Mary

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) well Byron had his PT and OT today he did'nt do so good he only ranged like 15 monthes ..and ball throwin only 12 monthes..walkin wise only 14 monthes...OT they are gonna tell me the results on that soon..I feel like I am not doing enough for him..he gets so upset easy and frustrated he was cryin alot he tried so hard..which only made it worse..my heart just breaks for him..I feel like its my fault he is so behind..in everything.. I love him so much I am gonna keep workin on him and tryin I won't give up..He''s so sweet and lovable he just cries so easy cause he wants to do it..he runs like he just started walkin and alot of people will say I can tell he just started walkin..which makes me feel even worse cause he is 29 monthes old and he's been walkin for a long time well since 16 monthes of age..I wish you was his teacher I know he would love you..You seem to be so good witht the little ones...I wish I knew what I am doing wrong I feel so depressed...I am glad I have you and Mark to help me through this..I cry all the time cause I feel like I am doing nothing right..I so wish Roger was here to help me..feel so alone in tryin to raise him...well I am gonna take some tylenol my head hurts from being stressed out I think..Thanks for being here for me everyday you and Mark and wonderful friends to me..'

Love To you My Friend,

Cindysue And Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, you are such a beautiful Mom. Let's think for a moment to what has triggered all this. Byron is acting this way for a reason. He's been through a lot in the last year, and he will respond in a negative way, developmentally. I think he's grieving. Grieving people tend to live on memories, "live in the past." What do you think would happen if you removed Daddy's pictures for a few days? How would he react? Now, for the tough questions. Are there any neurological illnesses in your families? Has Byron ever been evaluated for spina bifida? I'm a fanatic about spina bifida, because I have it, and it's insufferably painful and crippling. It can show up as debilitating, or mildly impairing, like a slight fault in his gait. Try to rest your heart, okay. You're doing all you can, and you're a great Mom.

[withani]

Mark...yes sadly the methadone and other pain medications that Gary took along with his inability to stop drinking made his spirit leave long before his body and to be honest it was very difficult communicating with him the from last September through the second day of January when he passed...it makes this time of year extremely difficult for me and las year even when he was here was difficult as well because he was just so out of it. Usually we'd dress up like Austin Powers and his shagette won several Halloween costume parties...it had gotten to the point where my girlfriend and I would say is Gary Austin Powers or is Austin Powers Gary??? Last year was different though...he was so out of it and we still went out and made the past of it but he was clearly a shell...on Thanksgiving I ate dinner by myself over his home because he was three sheets to the wind (his 16 year old son cooked under his supervision)...he was drinking mouhwash..stealing alcohol from groceries and being banded from he stores...he was in the process of being evicted from his apartment...and on Christmas Day he called and asked me what his son was doing there?! I think I unconsciously was cutting chords because I was having such trouble dealing with the reality of what was going on.

I fell very fortunate to have some little angels that will put a new spin on the holidays this year.

I can understand why you feel the necessity of working full time for sanity purposes but since you are able to stay home believe me you won't regret it!!! I wished I had been able to have done that but being a single parent with my own home I wasn't in the position to be there 24/7 and it came back to bite me in spades with guilt...

I think you should nurture yourself as well..as you know...this is a long road and you need to be at your best with Mary.

Hugs and love...Withani

[withani]

CindySue...ahhhhhhh you're so sweet saying you wish I were Bryon's teacher...that made my day

I know you're worried about Bryon with his OT and where he tested out but don't feel guilty about it. I liked Mark's posting explaining it could be from grief or the possibility of something neurologically passed down to Bryon. Remember me telling you about my oldest son who was in Learning Disability classes??? From kindergarten through sixth grade I used to take him to speech...occupational therapy...visual therapy...you name it and he tested out a couple years or so younger than his age and eventually did get to the level where he needed to be. I had several theories at the time why this happened and the truth be known...even now with him 26 years old I can't say for sure why he was developmentally delayed. The good news is that he has been living independently for the past four years. He has his own job..apartment..car. Some children have these challenges to deal with and God only knows why so I guess my point would be don't worry too much about it...just listen to the occupational therapist and see what you can do at home to help with fine and gross motor skills. I hate to say this because I don't really care for many sports but I know in my son's case sports helped him a great deal with his gross motor skills.

CindySue you're a GREAT MOM and believe me you will get through this...don't worry about what people say about just walking or anything else!!! Only you truly know your son and you've provided him with so much love...he's going to be just fine...you'll see

In the meantime...take care of you so you can be the best you can be for him.

Love and Hugs...CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Withani, CindiSue, from someone who was a teenage addict (acid, pot, and any alcohol I could pour), I can understand the things that went through you during that time. I know the addicted mind all too well. I've been clean for over two decades. You wrote two words that scare me so badly, "single parent". I don't want to fail my children, I don't want to slip up and fall back into addiction, I don't want to be without her by my side. She's been with me almost twenty years, and I can't see any other life. It was my old girlfriend who helped me get off the acid, but my wife got me off the bottle. Well, my friend, you know my secret. I just don't know about how well I'm going to do with this, and it scares me.

I'm sorry you had to go through so much with Gary, and I'm thankful you had the heart to go through so much with Gary. You're a special lady to be able to take this much on yourself, to raise your children alone, and do it so well, and care for yourself so well. You said that when you get to Heaven, you want to run to him first. I want to dance with her so much. We haven't been able to in so long. Yes, I'm in a 'chair, and yes, I can still dance, girl. You just gotta know how. (I can also walk a little, hee hee). Hugs and luvz, Mark

[aprilsmom]

Help me please. I want to understand so badly...I just went to give my son-in-law a couple of books on grief. Bobby seems ok to me and don't get me wrong- I WANT him to be okay. April was killed in a car accident 10 mos. ago, she was 26 and Bobby 27. They had been married 3 yrs. but together since high school 10 yrs. ago. His mom told me that he said he can't look back. Does that mean it's just too painful? He has been in contact with a girl that was a friend and he told his mom that if it weren't for her he would have died too. It hurts, I know he loved April and he loves us and I want him to go on but I just want to know that he misses her as much as we do. Am I just being ridiculous? Does it hurt you to see the moms of your beloved partners so bad that you stay away from each other? It kills me that I'm losing my son-in-law too; do I just need to face up to it? What does "can't look back" mean? Thanks for your responses and helping me get through this. Renee

[cindysue]

Aprilsmom..I am so sorry to hear about your daughter how sad that is for a young couple to go through that..I don't know what you can't look back means either thats what my mother says to me..my husband died last year of a massive heart attack..course he was older then your daughter he was just 46 we were married for 28 years and together 31..people tell md don't look back also its bugs me when people say that..sounds like Bobby is having a hard time dealin with it..I think its take a long long time to feel the pain of losing someone you love me and Roger have 3 kids together 2 girls ages 27 and 21 and a surprise baby boy he is 2 years old now but he was only 15 monthes old when my husband died we were with him when he suffered the attack it happened in the boat we were in..he was actually driving the boat and holding the baby..and he just had it abd died instantly ..and I have suffered through that and wonder why my love was takin from me when we had another baby not that long ago..then he died..I was 45 when I had the last baby so it was a shock..but when I talk to people about how it happened some people say you can't look back....I don't think your losing your son-in-law I think he is still grieving and seeing you may bring back memories of his love for his wife..but I know what pain he is feelin I was with my Roger since we were both 15...I feel for you and your whole family I wish I could help but thier is some smart people on here like Cindisue and Mark and I know they could really help you also...please let me know how things are..I am think bout all of you and really sorry to hear about the accident...

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Well my baby Byron got his results on his PT he is only measuring at a level of 14 to 15 monthes and he is 29 monthes old..so he is pretty behind in his walking skills..and climbing..but guess what I am so happy my baby went up a slide and he actually went down without screamming he was sccred but he did it and the teachers were clappin and cheerin him on...do you think maybe when he cries so much and his head banging is because he missed his daddy can babies greive?? I think they can..he still go's dada when I put him down in his crib and when he looks at his daddy's pic he stares at it for a long time..and even when the phone rings he will run to it still and go dada..and I go no baby that is'nt daddy...maybe someday he will talk like he should I pray he catches up and can be a happy baby..I feel so much better knowing my Byron is gettin the help he needs I will do anything to help him..Mark, I wanna thankyou so much for all your advice and your help I will never forget it..I hope Mary is doing ok I been thinkin about her...Will go for now gonna check on Byron...

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) I am so happy my baby Byron did it girlfriend..he went down the slide and he kept doing it without screamming he was scred but he did it all the teachers were so surprised and happy but you could tell by his face he was terrified...but I was so proud of him..its a big step..his test came in for PT he only ranged as a 14 to 15 month old and he is 29 monthes now...he still only says one word when he talks..someday he may talk in sentences...I am tryin to control his head banging ..he gets so frustrated he bangs his head all the time..he hurts me to see him do that I feel like cryin..when he does..cause I feel like he is still in pain..he loves lookin at his daddy's pic he sits on the floor sometimes and just stares and stares..breaks my heart that Roger can't see him grow up and be with him and play with him like he did our girls..I just keep remembering how happy he was when Byron was born he was cryin in the labor and delivery room..he was such a good daddy..but I feel it so hard to do this myself and no one to share it with..I am so happy that I have meant you and Mark on here you have helped me more then you know with you advice and kindness to me..you are a special person...and I will always love you guys for this..well I am gonna go and check on my Baby Byron I hope your havin a good day and night..Cindysue

Love And Hugs,

From Me And Baby Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

AprilsMom, I'm in a few threads here, because my daughter Jemmi died, and my wife is also in the end stage of dystrophy. These beautiful people in this forum are dear to me, helping me so much as I care for my wife.

You sound concerned about something very deep. Does the possibility of a relationship between him and a different young lady hurt you? This is a natural part of grieving for an adult child. These issues are there, and we must face them as parents. Jennifer died unmarried, so I am spared those feelings. Renee, you are definitely not being ridiculous. You are being as sane as anyone I have ever known. You are only looking for the reassurance of his love for April, right? May I give it to you from another man? He loves her so much, he can't bear to look back at the day she died. Men think so differently from women. The average man can't dwell on his loss, which is why you see so few posts under I Miss Her So, as opposed to I Miss Him So. Some men are sensitive, those who learn such, artistic types, and other groups. But, in this society, men are taught in the larger group to bury their feelings and go to work, provide for their families, no matter how they feel emotionally. Bobby hurts, and he loves April. I can assure you that, completely. I hope my rambling helps you a little. If you want to talk more, feel free to write. We're always here. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, I've been thinking Byron is grieving. Does he have moody times that you just can't explain? A child in sorrow can be very grumpy. Considering that he was sitting with his Daddy when he died, I can understand his profound grief. To repeat things we've all said before, I wish we were closer. I'd have my wife spend a little time with Byron. He's such a sweetheart. I know you read, but how much reading do you do with him each day? He can get three small books in a day, minimum. I know that's a lot of reading for Mommy, but he'll enjoy all the cuddle time. This will help him formulate sentences. I'm proud of him getting on the slide! Oh, give him extra hugs for that! Yippee! He did it. These little steps, one at a time, will turn into bigger ones as he grows. You're still being a terrific Mom! Hugs for you! Have a good night, my friend. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

withani, thanks for the kind thoughts. Mary had two bad days, so I'm keeping the faith for tomorrow to be a good day. You'll get to have all that fun with those little children tomorrow. I'm almost jealous, and I know Mary is. lol. She'd love to be teaching still. Oh well, we keep going. Have the best day, and I'll be thinkin' of ya' and prayin' for ya. Hugs a & luv, Mark

[aprilsmom]

It's 2 a.m here in California; can't sleep. Thank you both for the replies, it helps me understand and that is all I want. Sometimes I just pray, "Lord let me think like you, just a little bit, so I can understand." You 3 on this thread are a loving family, I can tell. In case you need any questions answered about the baby - I teach special ed and am the back-up for PT. I am the dept chairperson for adapted P.E. and work with 50 kids pre-K thru 8th grade. Going down the slide is a MAJOR accomplishment. It's also very tough getting an accurate assessment on where a child is developmentally at his age. Sometimes the child will catch up when they enter pre-school. God Bless you and your loved ones. Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Aprilsmom, to think even a little as He does, what a gift. I don't get preachy with people, but my favorite Psalm is the 86th. My wife and I were separated for a while, and this is what God used to haul us back together, with the prayer of a three year old boy. That three year old is now a college sophomore, and planning to join the Coast Guard for helicopter rescues. CindySue will be on later, and she'll most likely be happy to read your offer for extra help with her sweet little boy. My take has been that he's grieving, and this will resolve, but another opinion will be such a blessing for us. Thanks. I keep you in prayer, as you grieve and heal through your loss of April. Mark

[cindysue]

Aprilsmom..thankyou for your advice..on my little one he is having a rough time the more he tries the more frustrated he gets sometimes I wonder why he bangs his head on the floor or on the side of his crib when he gets upset..he's going to a preschool that takes 2 year olds..that has problems its called Good Sam its for the mentally disbaled children..ny son is way behind for his age..it may be like Mark says for all the things he has went through losing his daddy at such a young age and seeing him dieing the way he did..I just can still remember the scream he made when they pulled him from his daddy's arms him wanting his daddy and his daddy was already gone..this all happened in the boat we were in..even though he was almost 16 monthes old I think he still remembers..when I show him pics he loves lookin at them..I have enough hard time gettin through this..but seein him in pain makes me sad..he is like a baby..but I am happy he fina;;y was brave enough to go down the slide I was so proud of him and the teachers would clap everytime he did it which made him happy I think...but I hope and pray that your son-in-law..will get through this period in his life..it is very hadr the holidays is really tough specially the first one..he needs all of you.right now to help him get through this rough time and it sounds like you may need him too..it will also be so very hard for you I can't amagine losing a child like you and Mark have..its bad enough losing you spouce..but I will pray for the both of you..I just don't know what to do anymore to help Byron through this..I don't know if he will ever reach his age group he jabbers away without me understanding what he is sayin..he only says one word at a time..so maybe in time he will talk like he should..thanks for your message..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, Thankyou for you advice that helps me to understand some..he gets upset so easy and gets in a bad mood easy but so sudden sometimes..like he woke up lastnight at 3am cryin so I wen in his room and he was banging his head against the crib rails..maybe he had a bad dream..I just hugged him and kissed him and told him its ok baby lay down and I waited till he calmed down and then he fell back to sleep..but it seems like he is banging his head more and more lately..and getting upset...I am so happy that he made the first step and went down the slide even though he was scared..well shoot he is waking up I will talk to you again soon..I hope Mary is doing good..and you too...

Hugs And Love.

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) hope your doing good I am doing ok this is a quick message to let you know I was thinkin of you..Byron just woke up cryin and tryin to bang his head again cause he is mad..who knows why this time..poor baby gets frustrated so easy so all I can do is hold him which I am doing now..will write you more tomorrow..so much I wanna say but can't with him cryin on my lap...take care girlfriend..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, CindySue, I'm sorry Byron had a bad dream. These will happen, and you are doing well in how you care for him. Talk to Renee, and with all this help, you're sure to get him through this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are always with you, my friend.

Mary had a better day yesterday. I kept her quiet, and she watched old movies, or slept. She now sleeps at least 16 to 18 hours each day. I'm so concerned, but what can I do? Thanks for your sweet kindness. luv ya, Mark

PS- I'm beginning to think CindiSue's puter is offline again.

[cindysue]

Mark, I am so sorry to hear about Mary..wow she is sleeping alot..thats not too good but your doing the best you can..I am prayin with you for her she sounds like a beautiful wonderful person..and I hate to see her suffer so much how much more can that poor lady take..my heart is with you..I am glad you sticking by her side at a time when she needs you shows to me what kind of man you are..I just hope someday when I am ready I will meet a man as good as you and Roger are..I hate it when Byron gets bad dreams he gets them alot least 2 times a week and he cried and says dada,,then he bangs his head..does that mean he wants his daddy or he is dreamming of him is it possible?? I am confused and hope I am being as good as I can for him..I am thinkin Cindisue is havin probelmes with her computer its not like her to be not online this long I hope she gets back soon..tell Mary I am thinkin of her and be strong she has people that care..thanks Mark for being so sweet stay that way..you are a special man my friend..

Hugs and Love,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi CindySue! I guess you have your dear hands full too, trying to care for Byron having the bad dreams and the acts of frustration (at least we think, eh?) I keep you and him in constant prayer. I get to thinking the world of Byron, and I want so much to make these things better for him. Like his Mom, he's a one of a kind, very special.

Today was a big slap for me. I now have to take my wife to a heart specialist. May I wake up now? Please? Her heart is looking like it's messed up, so her doc won't take risks, and I'm with her (lady doc). She's a wise woman, and I've learned to trust her medical opinion.

Take care of yourself, and try to rest tonight. My thoughts and prayers are always with you, girl. luv ya, hugs for you and Byron, Mark

[withani]

Hi Mark and CindySue and now Renee!!!!

I'm FINALLY back online...Wednesday there were problems with AOL and I couldn't get online and Thursday night "Peanut" spent the night so I wasn't on line. I've missed you ALL!!!!

CindySue...Bryon going down the slide how cool is that!!!! You're doing it girlfriend...you're taking the bull by the horns and making sure Bryon is getting the kind of help he needs by taking action and asking questions...what a WONDERFUL MOTHER YOU ARE!!!! I'm sure Roger's eating his KFC..(lol) and saying to Gary I KNEW she could do it ....Love and Hugs...CindiSue

Mark...I enjoyed reading your posting and appreciated your comment about the thankful heart going through everything with Gary and you know what Mark...I AM greatful for the 11 years I had with Gary. Even though he had the alcohol problem and the bipolar personality I would do it all over again. He taught me sooooooo much. When he was in the hospital a couple months before he passed with pneumonia the hospital psychologist called me and we talked and he then ended the conversation with thank you Cindi for caring about this man...and I was just dumbfounded because it truly was MY pleasure. He was an incredible man to know and I have no doubt that we WILL be together again. I wish with all my heart that Mary has a day or hour or minute without pain so you may have your dance. Don't be afraid about being a single parent Mark...you're a natural..all your children really want is you. Hugs and Love..Withani

Renee...you sound like such a special lady!!! I loved reading your comment about the three of us being family because I have grown very close to CindySue and Mark on this site and I think I speak for all of us that our family welcomes you with open arms. I'm so sorry to hear about your son in law wanting to move on....I wish my beloved Gary's mother was living (she died when he was 16) I would love to be able to speak with ANYONE in his family. They never sent him a birthday card...a Christmas gift..it was just the two of us. I think Mark is right that a lot of men don't share their feelings in these real life experiences and it's a true shame...I don't think blocking it is a good thing and I will never understand the term moving on. Gary passed nine months ago and although I may eventually be in a relationship I am never moving on. He will always be in my heart and on my mind...I just may be doing things or going places with whomever. Still can't imagine being in a relationship yet. Bless you and welcome...hugs...Withani/CindiSue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue)ohhhh girlfriend I have missed you I was worried about you and am so happy your back...Always nice hearing from you..yeah I am so proud of Byron he is tryin so hard..even though he was scared and put his hand to his face and looked scared I reasured him he could do it.. lol..yeah I think your right Roger is probaly eating his KFC and him and Gary is living it up and eating all they want and I can just amagine Roger saying thats my boy..to Gary..but I know what you mean when you say you would'nt trade any of the years you had with Gary..he was a special guy and was loved alot from you and you made his life very happy its that darn disease od drinking that was'nt good for him..but inside you knew he was a good person ..I don't know what you went through with the drinking cause Roger very seldom drank being a truckdriver he did'nt wanna lose his CDL he did drink some when he got home but the most would be maybe 3 beers..gosh times like these are so depressing the weekends of being alone and depressed...for some reason I been feelin sick to my stomach..maybe its nerves I don't know I missed a period and I been scared since I seen that guy and we done somethin I thought I had a period last month ..but I just took a test and it came back positive..I pray it is wrong it has to be..I don't even love this guy..what am I gonna do..my life is a mess...test can be wrong and I pray this one is..gosh I am so stupid for getting drunk and letting him take advantage of me that night..stupid stupid me...please pray for me I don't want another one..I am sorry I am just really upset I just took the test..and it showed yes..maybe its wrong..well I will go I am feelin sick just thinkin about this..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

Mark, I sent you a few pics of me and my precious little byron to your email least I think its your email if it is'nt I sent a stranger some pics....which I hope I did'nt screw up thier..I hope Mary is doing good this evening..been thinkin bout her like Cindisue says I hope she can be pain free even for a little while..you and Cindisue have meant so much to me and have helped me so much in my problem now I gotta worry about me being pregnant again..like I told Cindisue I am a stupid girl..you would think I knew right from wrong but that night I was drunk and did'nt care about nothing..I thought I could forget about my pain but now I think I am makin it worse..Pray I am not pregnant ..I hope test can be wrong..will let you both know what I find out..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

CindySue, thanks for the pics. I gave you a couple late last night. I love my grandson more than life. I really don't want you to use that "s" word, okay. I think you get enough put down from your mother, so let's just keep it that way, girl. You're smart, beautiful, and a fantastic Mom to Byron. Shall I continue? I'm praying for you. I'll send an email later on, and maybe I'll find the pics from that concert I did.

[withani]

CindySue...YOU are not a stupid girl!!!! Yes you are human and it's only natural that you are going to want to sleep with a man. Unfortunately in this case the guy seems like a major manipulator that was playing on your love for Roger and deep sense of loss and I'm sorry because I don't know him but I feel like I don't like this guy...I will definitely pray for you and hope your test was faulty...no wonder you're feeling sick and upside down. Just breathe girlfriend and be prepared for making the best decision you can in the interest of you and Bryon whatever that may be...I'm sure that I speak for both myself and Mark when I say...we'll support you in whatever that choice may be

Thank you for the kind words about Gary's disease...it's always nice to hear those words from you because I get a lot of looks and comments like what did you expect...he was an alcoholic??? I know I wear rose colored glasses but that's just me...

I know the weekends gotta be tough for you...they're tough here too but Friday nights are usually hectic with my son Tony who is 17..his friends come in and out..in and out...and we talk..some of them play music and I just love it. Saturday is always my difficult night because that was always "our night" when Gary and I would go dancing. I have a couple girlfriends not too far away that I can dance with on occasion but they're part of a couple and usually with their guys so I'm trying not to depend on them. I'm considering going out tonight by myself just to get out of the house and listen to some music...there's a place about a 1/2 hour away and think I can go to and blend in...I let you know if I do this because I've never done anything like this before my whole life but I think it may be a healthy thing. I know a couple guys I could ask but then I'll feel like they want more than I can give right now by wanting a relationship so that's why I'm choosing to go alone.

Anyway...give baby Bryon a big ole' hug and kiss and breathe girlfriend..it'll be okay...love and hugs from CindiSue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

withani, Cindisue, oh I am right with you in supporting Cindysue all we can. If you go out, please be really careful, girl. It hurts too much seeing one of you going through this, but two, I may get ugly about it. Ever see a rampaging cripple? Oh, it's a sight.

Why must weekends be such a PITA? We only want to enjoy the good times we shared with our sweeties. I really am learning to hate weekends. If you like jazz, and ever get east, I could take you both to this club I know in Manhattan.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, see, we now have a second opinion. You're smart, and that's all there is, girl. If you need anything, just ask, and we'll be right there to help. Cuddle Byron lots, and watch cartoons with him, or read a book. Take care of you. Hugs to ya, with love, Mark

[aprilsmom]

You three are awesome - have the best Saturday evening you've had in months- I'm praying for you!!! R-

[withani]

Mark...you are so funny...a rampaging cripple??!!! I will be careful...in fact I think there will be a change of plans...a girlfriend called and asked me to go to a party with her a couple minutes away so I think that's what I'm gonna do. I've never been to Manhattan...I think CindySue and I should take a roadtrip and go with you to the jazz club...that would be awesome!!!! Hugs and love..Withani

[withani]

Aprilsmom...you're awesome yourself Renee!!! I hope you're having a good weekend as well...thank you for the prayers...hugs..Cindi

[cindysue]

Aprilsmom(Renee...we are all here for you anytime..even though I am a wreak I will try to help you all I can..I guess we all gotaa take one day at a time...sometimes thats the hardest thing to do..but I try..you are a sweet lady and awesome yourself..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, I don't know if I can feel happy ever again..what can I say I am a screw up the harder I try the harder I fall..wish I could get out of my deprression..no wonder my mom is always mad at me..I do stuff to make people get mad I guess..she is right I don't think before I do anything..I just don't wanna screw up with my Byron I wanna be the best mommy to him..today he has kept me running ..he got in my closet and decided to shampoo the carpet I guess he opened a bottle of shampooing cleaner and dumped the whole bottle of that all over the carpet at the time I was on the phone and tryin to fix dinner and I thought wow Byron is quiet what was he doing but tryin to clean I guess it was a mess..I go oh nooo Byron he go's I keen he meant to say he cleaned and he pronounced it keen...ohhh that little devil..well I had to shampoo after that..whew am real tired now he had his 3 baths today...wonder what adventure I will have tomorrow..maybe butter in his hair again..like he loves to do...lol..he tryed to do that today and I grabbed it in time..thats why I don't know what I am gonna do if the test are right...all I can do is pray I am not..I think ..well I know I will have a nervous breakdown if I am...would be so much different if I loved the guy..but I don't...well I need to erite Cindisue then head to bed..have a goodnight my sweet friend..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue And Byron

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) hows it going..thanks for the kind words but I feel stupid you would think I would know right from wrong I mean I always jumped on my own daughters for the stupid things I have done and now I do it...maybe I need my head checked maybe I am losing it...I need Roger so bad and he is'nt here how am I gonna raise Byron to be smart when I am not??? ...when he gets older and ask me questions about his daddy and why he died..I don't know how to explain it when I don't even understand why my love was taken away from me.I mean I even gotaa take a sleepin aid from the doc to sleep its called ambein or somethin like that...I don't know how to spell it right I can't do nothing right..I don't know what I am gonna do if the test are right and I am gonna have another child...its gonna tear me up ..I will never give it up but I am worried at my age about it even though Byron came out beautiful and fairly healthy maybe this one won't..oh the mess I made out of my life..I am soooo depressed I don't know if I can go on anymore... Roger is'nt hear I am alone and always hoping I am helping my baby Byron..he is everything to me like my girls are..oh well i gotta live with the mess I made...Please be careful Cindisue I care and love you alot and don't want nothing to happen to you...I made such special friends on here like you and Mark and now Renee..I feel blessed..and I hope soon I will feeel happy again..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue and Byron

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, you are not a screwup, just the lady who tried to trust someone to be a gentleman, and he wasn't. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I'm not treating you rude, or with condescending, judgmental, crap. You're just a friend who's been through too much, and I'm here to help you all I can. Even if it means dragging myself out there to help you with a doctor appointment or two, so what?! This is what any friend would do. For now, just rest, and we'll pray Byron can sleep through the night. He is a sweet child. Who couldn't adore and love him? He's such a treasure, and you're blessed to be his Mom. (even if he tries to paint the living room overnight). I'm praying for ya, girl. I'll make sure we take care of you. Mark

[withani]

CindySUe....Girlfriend you KNOW YOU ARE SMART!!!! I'm fine and I sincerely appreciate you're wanting nothing to happen to me...that's a big part of losing someone you love is nobody really cares about what happens to you...or so it seems and feels and I appreciate you!!!! I don' want anything bad to happen to you either girlfriend. I'm sure everything's gonna work out CindySue...I'd really like to scrape our pennies together and take off to Manhattan to take Mark up on his Jazz Club offer...what do you think???? Hope you had a good night...love and hugs...CindiSUe..

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi withani! CinsdiSue, how ya doin? I hope you're happy and well, and having a little time with Peanut.

I'm taking a little break from housework, and needed to "sit". I'm getting everything ready, cuz Tina's coming on Wednesday and she'll be here for our anniversary. I am so excited! I had such a spell of the lonelies yesterday, I sat in the mall parking lot, crying. The fuzz even asked if I was ok. I gave an answer, and he split. Laura said we grieve as deeply as love, and I know I love her so dearly, to be grieving while she's alive still. I can't take that I must lose her. I'd rather it be me, or that I go too. Her doc said she's afraid my sweetie's going to have a heart attack. I have to monitor her BP, and watch for the symptoms of an MI or TIA, or a stroke. I just keep adding them up to my list.

You have the best of days. Hugs and love, Mark

[lauraa]

Hi Mark,

I am sorry you had a low day yesterday...I am sure there are more days those feelings are there but you are unable to tend to them as you are taking care of everybody and everything.....I am sorry you have to go thru this! It is the worst possible thing that could happen to any of us. Feel the (((((HUG))))) coming your way------->>>>>>>> "We do grieve as deep as we love". And, we all do it in our own way and in our own time.....It is absolutely o.k. to cry, scream or beat a tree down with a ball bat if you have to. You have been so supportive for everyone here so let us all help to pick you up, too! I don't have all the answers and I grieve as you do. I would cry before my dad "passed" and my husband because I loved them so so much and couldn't imagine my life without them. Sit with Mary and just watch her and never ever forget what she looks like and feels like as you will always remember! I will keep you and your dear family in my heart and send prayers your way.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, have I told you lately that you're the greatest!!! As miserable as yesterday was, I needed it to see something, and when you responded, I knew it. I can make it through this (censored) hell, and I'm still clean! God is good! Thanks for the hug. Needed it. You seem to know my favorite passtime, just sitting and watching my sweetie. Even if she's asleep, I just watch her. She is the prettiest woman. . . I love her soooooooo much. (Tina and Nikki call me a mush).

Later on, Mark.

[cindysue]

Hi Mark, I wrote you an email to in your email add and thought I would write you through here to thanks for the sweet letter today..I am so sorry you was feelin down today I know how much Mary means to you..My Roger did'nt suffer when he passed away last year it was quick and like I said he died where he would have wanted to in the baot oin the middle of the lake with me and the baby and him holding him I am glad he was holding him when he died..he got to hold his sweet baby one last time..but I also remember 30 min before he had the heart attack he kept sayin Cindy and I go yeah you know I love you don't you..and I looked at him so strange and said of course I do then he looks at the baby and said to him your always gonna be daddy's little boy and he kissed him then after all that he had the attack and it killed him instantly that quick...why can't I get that image out of my head...and why can't baby Byron get over it he was only 15 monthes old can he still remember that even though he was so young with him being 2 now is that why maybe he is havin bad dreams? he talks to his daddy in his crib all the time cause I can hear him he will go dada and then jabber away and I don't understand what he is sayin cause he can't talk good yet..maybe I need help to get over this terrible scene of seein him die like he did..well I ran my mouth alot today sorry for that..just alot of things running through my head..and alot of stress..I hope you are feelin better give your Mary a HUG from me and I am sending you one as well have a goodnite my friend..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) thanks..wish I had the confidence like you do but right now I don't feel very smart..I hope I can get through this hard time only time will tell if the test come back positive I am gonna redo the test Thursday I am going to the doctors I been feelin sick..over this whole thing..I don't know if I should ever see another guy ever again..I was stupid I thought if I did some of the pain would kinda ease up but it just made me feel like I was cheating..I guess I just am not ready for love with anyone yet..this starting over is no fun..maybe someday I can actually smile again..well time to check on Byron he is quiet which is not a good sign usually means he is up to somethin..talk to you later my sweet frind..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue And Byron

[withani]

Mark...I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a low day...I know how you feel and there is so much love in you watching your sweetie.. Laura's right...take it all in...you will never regret that. The stress you're feeling now I wish would get better for you...I believe it to be quite normal for us to wish we went too. We don't imagine being without our loved ones and the feeling just intensifies when they pass unfortunately. I love Laura's saying you grieve as deeply as you love...I have know doubt that we all have loved deeply and what a gift that has been.

I'm happy Tina's coming Wednesday...and I hope that gives you some peace. You have quite a bit on your plate now and could use a little down time. You are in my thoughts and prayers...hugs and love..withani/cindisue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, am I laughing, Cindisue!!! Downtime, with Tina? She's soooooo hyper! She's my 31 year old toddler. We have our sweet moments, "just me and my Dad" things. I have a day coming up that will be very quiet for me. October 16 is Jennifer's birthday, and I'm only posting one thing. hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, Byron is on another level, one we can't access. It's called innocence. He can so easily talk to his Daddy all day long, and I know that's a two way conversation. When you feel stressed and anxious, write to us. We don't care if you write something the length of a book. We'll gladly cherish every word, just because you're our friend. We're all going through things together, and you are helping me through my stuff too. You two ladies helped me a lot this weekend. I left the first note with Cindisue that Oct 16 is Jennifer's birthday. I'm already feeling it coming, so I'm planning to do something for her. I'm posting one thing, then going to see her sister. For today, take care of you, and Byron. Keep him away from anything that can leave a mark on the walls. tee hee. hugs, love, Me

[aprilsmom]

Dear Both Cindi/ys and Mark, Hope you all have peace today. I hope you three don't mind that I'm on your thread so much; I can't imagine YOUR pain because my loss is different. As much as I think of and loved my daughter, I know that Bobby held her heart. You kids woke up next to these loved ones every day! Anyway, thanks helping me relate to my son-in-law better! Mark, have you ever read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis? He married his wife, I believe, knowing she was ill. It's so beautiful. If you send me your snail mail address, I'd be happy to give it to you. Take Care all, I'm praying.....sheesh that's all I know how to do anymore. Oh yes Mark, our pastor spoke from Psalms yesterday, happens to be my favorite book. He always relates it to New Testament as well.