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Cheryl

A blog by Conpie in General

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About this blog

Ramblings to my son and dealing with his loss

Entries in this blog

loss of son

I didn't know ...

Connor, Hi buddy, I haven't written in a couple days. I just wanted to see if it made me feel better not to write.  It didn't!  So here I am again.  Today we received a copy of your death certificate.  I don't know why but it just made me feel so empty.  What it said is "accidental overdose due to fentanyl".  I was pretty sure this is what it would say--so why do I feel your loss today like it was just yesterday?  I realized yesterday that I am constantly looking for you when I drive around
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

4 weeks and a million more to go

Connor, Tonight will be 4 weeks since you left us.  It seems like yesterday.  I see your face constantly throughout the day.  Yesterday was bad, it was my birthday and you wern't here.  Last year you helped dad pick out a rose gold heart necklace for me and then left for rehab.  . So yesterday It really got to me that no one is mentioning you to me.  It's like they are afraid I will go all psycho on them if they say your name.  Pretending you never existed is even worse.  I miss you so much
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

You are home with us at last

Connor, I have so much to tell you.  I will start with yesterday.  We were in need of cat litter due to your cat that had kittens we go through lots of litter.  Nala went to your fathers secretary's daughter.  Daniel is keeping Serenity and we still had the little tiger striped boy.  So dad goes to warm up the car, and when he comes in the house he smells marijuana.  (he is the only one who hasn't smelled it).  He says Connor is here.  So he goes to dollar general (cheap cat litter) and the
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

Birthdays

Connor, Today I was talking to someone who lost their daughter and today is her daughters birthday.  It made me think of your last birthday.  Decembr 15 2021.  I missed it, I had gone to North Carolina because your cousin was found dead and we are his only living family.  I was gone 6 days.  This threw you for a loop.  When I got home you were very angry with me.  We made a special dinner and you picked out an Ice cream cake.  You got your gifts --including your new phone but I could tell I
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

Friday 2/18/22

Connor, Oh I miss you so much today.  The minutes seem to drag by slower each day.  I don't know what goal I seek to achieve by making it through another day.  I can't shut my brain off.  I was trying to paint today to keep my mind off you and it just doesn't work.  I could never imagine this depth of pain.  Everyone seems to be able to at least function but me.  I go to the grocery store and I keeping reaching for the things you like.  I no longer need 2 gallons of milk a week.  Who though
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

3 weeks and it hurts like the 1st day

Connor, I like to write here because it does help me in some small way.  It helps me remember the good times and accept the bad.  This is so difficult because no one can even imagine the pain of losing a child.  My brain has accepted that you are gone but my heart can not.  22 years of loving you all gone in an instant--poof.  I talked with your bio mom/Dana the other night.  I know you never understood that she didn't make me feel threatened.  I was secure in my love for you and that I was
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

Day 15 at a loss

Connor, I have reread my earlier post at least 5 times.  I have searched my mind for some spark or special memory from that time.  I want to say that I did reread your letters home from Glenn Mills.  They were full of love, hope and gratitude.  There were letters to your little brother that he didn't remember.  He had forgotten you liked and even loved him.  I know you were in there and cared.  The shadow of all the pain just hung over us.  I think this is why people judge mental health and
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

Day 15

Connor, Hey buddy!  Today is day 15 since you left us.  Yes I am counting it by days.  I am going to continue your story now and this will be some of the really bad stuff.  I have been thinking about this for days.  I do think I had blocked some of this out.   You started 7th grade and it was so exciting.  During this time you excelled at school and remained in advanced classes, wrestled, played basketball and foot ball.  During 9th grade you starting using marijuana and no matter what
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

2 weeks 2/10/22

Connor, I'm still not ready to work on your story.  I'm still processing everything that is going on.  Tonight we went to Matt's 18th birthday.  I made it through and did not cry.  It was nice.  Monday I powered through work.  Tuesday I left at 3 and Wed I walked out at 1pm.  I left my lunch and coffee on my desk, computer on and ran out the door.  I went to the peninsula and watched the ice fishermen for hours.  I then went and found your dad.  He drove while I cried and screamed.  Then he
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

Silence Day 11 2/6/22

Connor, I will get back to your live story but today I just can't do it.  Friday we put your picture show together and Saturday 2/5/22 was your service.  There were so many people there it was amazing.  We held it together and Snoop was the comic relief.  The morman missionaries were there along with some of the people from the church. Luke your boss had Covid so he couldn't come or speak.  Pastor Jeanne from the Luthern Church  spoke and it was so touching.  I spoke and im sure you heard e
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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loss of son

Day 8 Feb 3 2022

I don't know that anyone will ever read this but me. You may not want to read it because I am pretty blunt about drug addiction and some of the details of my son's death.  If you do read this, maybe it will somehow help another family from suffering and going through what we have gone through.   I need to work out all the thoughts, fears, regrets, love and yes anger that are now part of my every waking moment.  We always knew this could happen but when it did we were totally unprepared.  Connor
Conpie

Conpie in loss of son

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