Connor,

Oh I miss you so much today.  The minutes seem to drag by slower each day.  I don't know what goal I seek to achieve by making it through another day.  I can't shut my brain off.  I was trying to paint today to keep my mind off you and it just doesn't work.  I could never imagine this depth of pain.  Everyone seems to be able to at least function but me.  I go to the grocery store and I keeping reaching for the things you like.  I no longer need 2 gallons of milk a week.  Who thought I could miss buying milk.  Those things so unique to you that I will never see again.  I am happy that you are with god and no longer suffering but what about my suffering.  I continue to read your texts to me.  In december you were saying you wanted to try Zyprexa that you thought it would help but then the doc gave you the Zyprexa, you refused to take it.  I still have the full bottle sitting next to me.  I just wish I could understand. 

I will be taking Daniel to a job interview later today.  We are going to church on Sunday --you would be proud of us.  Everyone is taking turns walking Snoop.  He still sits in front of your room and cries.  I can't open your door yet.  I think that will totally destroy me.  I so want to crawl in your bed and cry for the rest of my life.  You forgot to put your snowman globe away after christmas and I turn it on every day I watch the glitter flying around the snowman family and pretend it is us with all this magical happiness.  Will I every feel happiness again?  

Please god take care of my son

Cheryl