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Cheryl

A blog by Conpie in General

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Day 15

Conpie

Entry posted by Conpie in loss of son

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Connor,

Hey buddy!  Today is day 15 since you left us.  Yes I am counting it by days.  I am going to continue your story now and this will be some of the really bad stuff.  I have been thinking about this for days.  I do think I had blocked some of this out.  

You started 7th grade and it was so exciting.  During this time you excelled at school and remained in advanced classes, wrestled, played basketball and foot ball.  During 9th grade you starting using marijuana and no matter what we said we couldn't stop you.  At this same time, your psychiatrist informed you that we could no longer make you take your medications.  That was the turning point.  

Now the rest will most likely not be in exact order.  You started getting into fights at school, failing grades, skipping and hanging out at a trailer park.  You were disrespectful at home, spitting on people and name calling.  The person you were becoming scared me.  At one point you lit a fire in the middle of the living room floor and that led to your first mental health admission.  We had broken windows, doors and holes in walls.  Then one day you had severe pain in your testicle, dad took you to the ER and you had an infected testicle.  They gave you a shot of morphine.  From that point on, the drugs owned you.  You were eventually kicked out of school.  We tried on line school, alternate school anything .  

You started staying out all night.  The people in the trailer park hid you.  You stole anything from the house that you could.  Food, crockpots,jewlery, medication, electronics and sold it for drugs.  We started closing ourselves off and protecting others from you.  There were multiple police interventions and mental health admissions.  We couldn't reach you, no one could. There was even a stay in a home for troubled teens.  Nothing was working.  Around this time I started finding cut up straws around the house.  I had no idea what you were doing with them.  The people at my work told me you had to be snorting pills.  Nothing I tried worked.  Mothers of the kids you went to school with would sell you xanax to snort.  Dealers are everywhere.  I tried turning these people in but it seems no one wants to hear about it unless someone dies.

One day you and your friend decided to rob one of the drug dealers in the trailer park.  The two of you broke in and stole a jar of change and a safe with marijuana and a gun.  Everyone saw you guy break in and you were caught within hours.  At this point you had just turned 17 and were luck not to be charged as an adult.  When you went to court you asked to be sent to Glenn Mills in Philadelphia PA.  It held over 1,000 boys and was shut down the year after you were discharged due to abuse of kids.  

You were there about 10 months and learned some hard lessons.  You were no longer the big fish in the pond.  You would try to manipulate and would get your butt kicked every time.  We did visit 1 time (it was 12 hours 1 way) and you were covered in bruises.  You did finally discharge in Jan, just after you turned 18.  Lots of promises.  Gonna stay clean, stay away from the people from the trailer park.  You love everyone so much and you are sorry for hurting us.  

I think I am done for now.  I left lots out but most of it wasn't good.  There was so much trauma during those years.  Counseling, police, mental health. It was such a vicious cycle and we hid so much from everyone.  No one wanted to talk about it.  Grandma and Grandpa didn't know everything.  Daniel didn't know you anymore and didn't know why you were doing this.  I don't even know how dad and I made it through.  But we did and we loved you and were trying to help you get it together. 

Love you always 

MoM 

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DeeDee61
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Oh Cheryl, I am so sad for you.  I can relate to so many things you went through, yet every family has a different story, and each story is so incredibly tragic it breaks my heart.  Living in fear, worrying, wondering where and what they were doing.  The stealing, the hiding from family members, pretending that we were "normal" like everyone else.  I would sometimes ask God why he just didn't take her, so I didn't have to bear the pain anymore.  That is what I most feel guilty for. I can't stop wondering how a mother could have those thoughts when I loved her so much.  Just writing this brings me such sadness and shame. Saying out loud what I felt.  I had to emotionally cut myself off from her at times, so she didn't take me down with her.  I am so sad.  I wish we could have saved them, I know in my heart that we tried.... but I just wish.....

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Conpie
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DeeDee,

Writing this is tearing my heart out.  Just admitting how bad it was.  To love and yes hate someone at the same time.  I was the opposite, I used to pray that god would take me because I just couldn't bear it.  I hated my life every day.  I felt like a failure as a mother.  Now yes I feel guilty for that.  I feel so empty inside after crying for days on end.  Today I sat on the floor of the supply closet at work and cried for over an hour.  Tonight will be 3 weeks and I already feel my anxiety amping up.  I will say it again.  My misery prefers to be alone.  I am going to take tomorrow and let it out in the privacy of my own home.  The feeling of relief when he was in rehab or mental health, the dread/anticipation of discharge and then the let down.  Month after month for 8 years.  I don't know any other way to live but to worry about him.  It has consumed me for years.  

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DeeDee61
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I'll be thinking about you today.  You need to do whatever it takes to get through this day.  I just write letters and cry for a few hours alone and it helps me.  Then I shut my brain off, I am lucky I have that ability.  When I think of her, I literally shake my head and push all thoughts away and tell myself to think about her "tomorrow" and then I do, in my own little spot with my own thoughts thrown on paper.  I am getting angrier as the days go on.  I want her boyfriend dead, I want the girl to who supplied her dead, I have horrible thoughts that I have to shake off every day.  My biggest thought right now, is I don't care.  I don't care about life, I don't care about the future, I don't care about anything I used to think was important.  Every f**ing thing seems stupid and useless.  I am continuing with life and people are saying "you're so strong", "I could never be as strong as you are" and in my head I am screaming.  I am saying I'm strong because I have no choice, I either live or die.  I am dying inside, but so what...... 

Connie - we are screwed!  Do what you need to do to get through the day!!!!!!  Write whatever horrible thoughts you have to purge and share if it helps and I'll read them and I'll tell you (honestly), that I probably had the same thoughts.  For me, it helps me understand that I'm not a monster for the thoughts I have. Our family feels the pain, I mean really feels it.... but it is not like our pain as mothers.  It's like the world it is playing a cruel joke on us.

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