Connor,

I like to write here because it does help me in some small way.  It helps me remember the good times and accept the bad.  This is so difficult because no one can even imagine the pain of losing a child.  My brain has accepted that you are gone but my heart can not.  22 years of loving you all gone in an instant--poof.  I talked with your bio mom/Dana the other night.  I know you never understood that she didn't make me feel threatened.  I was secure in my love for you and that I was your one and only mom.  She did finally own that her using harmed you when she was pregnant with you and she says she can never forgive herself.  I don't know.  She did admit that she has been using heavy since Mike's death  and now with you gone it is even worse.  What do I say to that?  Your bio family has been looking to me for emotional support.  That is so weird.  I wish they had been there for you.  I accept that I can't change the past and I must move forward.  I refuse to make hate part of my life.  I fear for Alyssa, she went missing for 10 days after your service.  Samantha found her living on the streets.  She sent a message that she was going to call me but never did.  I can't help her, she is too much like you and I can't take anymore heartache.  Dana said she won't let her stay at her apartment because she didn't want to find her dead.  Well I wouldn't kick you out because I didn't want you dying cold and alone on the streets.  I never thought what it would be like--finding your child dead.  It was the worst moment of my life.  I can see it both ways now and don't know if it mattered in the end.  

My head hurts so bad today.  It has hurt every day since you left.  The snow is melting and I keep thinking if you had held on till spring it would have been better.  But I do realize from reading the posts on this site that it is  never ending battle.  Would spring have delayed it?  I don't know.  I really don't know anything anymore.  Aunt Dian talks to me every night.  She assures me that I am not crazy and in time I will be able to cope better with loss.  I do believe that.  There are rare moments when I am at peace.  Are you thinking of me when that happens?  Last night I was sitting on the couch and reading.  My phone was on the table and it turns on and is playing a song called "Don't forget my Love"  Now we all know I have never played music on my phone let alone some odd hip hop song.  I couldn't understand any of the other words except "don't forget my love".  I think that was you telling us that you never quit loving us.  It makes me feel better anyway.

I am thinking of getting a tatoo for you!  little butterflies flying up my left arm to my heart.  Corny huh?  I know you would say "really mom".  Its  not that I need a tatoo to remember you because how could I forget.  I just think of how you liked to mark important events in your life with a tatoo.  The loss of my son, I don't know ...

Today is not good or bad, I am just exhusted by grief.  I can't explain how it sucks the energy out of you.  It takes you will and happiness and leaves you utterly alone.  The feeling of emptiness is always present.  I know you are with god and no longer suffering --that is my only salvation.  I do have Dad and Daniel (and the dogs) to keep me going.  I will never give up but every time I try to smile, it turns into a grimace.  I really don't know if I am making any progress here today.  I just keep putting my feelings and thoughts down.  Trying to make sense of all this.  How can I make sense of HELL?  I still can't go near your room.  I would love to lay in your bed and smell you but nope not doing that today.  I know that would lead to a bottle of wine and a really bad headache.  

I think I am done for the moment.

Love you

MOM