Cheryl

Belated birthday wishes Cheryl.  My mom's birthday was 2/22, we all got together for dinner. The memories are hard for sure.  Thinking of you and Connor. Dee Dee

Daniel (younger son) and I had a talk at 7am today.  He wanted to know when he would get his mom back.  .  He talked lots today, about Connor, loss, missing his brother, how long would I be sad, how long would dad be angry.  He is such an awsome kid.  He talked about playing soccer with Connor on Christmas eve.  Connor had bought him a new net and a ball and couldn't wait till Christmas.  I am so thankful to have him but his questions and observations really made me feel sad.  Thank you for the birthday wishes DEEDee.  I wrote Connor a letter about what Daniel had to say and about my birthday today.  Great use of my time at work.  It was the first Thursday I made it to work in a month(Connor died on a thursday).  My boss was actually shocked to see me.   I tried Trazodone for sleep last night and it didn't work.  I am thinking I will go into Connors room this weekend and talk to him.  I haven't been there since he passed.  I am really struggling to find some sense of peace.  I will see if this helps.  I hope everyone is hanging in there.  The pastor from the church sent a letter(she was out sick last sunday)acknowledging that we had attended church and offering to speak with me if needed.  She must have heard that some crazy lady sobbed throughout the 8am service.  I don't know what to say other than I can't believe I still have tears to cry.  Really my car is filled with tissues.  Alone time in my car is when I cry.  All the way to work, lunch and all the way home.  Then I have to act happy for everyone.  Dee Dee I am sorry about your mom.  This grief is never ending for all of us.  I thought my mother would be a comfort to me but sadly no.  "you will get over it"  doesn't really help.  But then again, she had limited contact in recent years with Connor due to his issues.  She isn't feeling the depth of loss that I am.  Maybe that is better--protecting her heart.  I really wish I had something pleasant to say, uplifting but I just don't have it in me.  I will just say how much I appreciate everyone on this site for being there for me, mentioning Connors name and just hanging in there.  We are all together in this.  

Cheryl