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Cheryl

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Silence Day 11 2/6/22


Conpie

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Connor,

I will get back to your live story but today I just can't do it.  Friday we put your picture show together and Saturday 2/5/22 was your service.  There were so many people there it was amazing.  We held it together and Snoop was the comic relief.  The morman missionaries were there along with some of the people from the church. Luke your boss had Covid so he couldn't come or speak.  Pastor Jeanne from the Luthern Church  spoke and it was so touching.  I spoke and im sure you heard every word.  I still don't know how I made it through.  I just wish you knew how many people loved you.  The flowers were beautiful and I made sure your bio family all had flowers.  I gave Alyssa your serenity bracelet because her struggle continues.  Olivia was there and is heart broken.  Reese and Jake came.  There were some other friends and co workers.  Paul and Hunter spoke and they broke my heart.  Grandma was there the whole time and looked so lost but she wouldn't leave.  PoP PoP didn't come but that is ok.  He is hurt and angry with you for leaving us.  It is his way of dealing with this and that is ok.  Everyone is dealing with their pain in their own way.  Joycelin had the jacket on with your picture on it.  After the ceremony we went to Paul's resturante"Crazy Oven"  and had dinner with your entire family.  It was very nice.  Paul and Hunter are being so kind to your little brother.  Paul took up a collection of gift cards from all his friends and gave Daniel hundreds of dollars of gift cards.  Hunter and Paul both offered to take him out anytime he wants.  He really liked them.  Paul has so many regrets that he didn't get to know you better.  He has to forgive himself.  It is so comforting to talk with him, you looked so much alike.  It is like talking to you minus the mental health and addiction.  Dana/your bio mom is in a bad place.  Since i never met her before I don't know if she always bobs, weaves and shakes or if she was using again.  I have forgiven her and will NOT hold hate in my heart.  I just feel bad for your siblings to have to watch her do this.  Samantha brought Delaney your niece and she is beautiful.  I am now her grandma since Dana is her only one and she can't care for herself.  I plan to give Delaney all those Barbies I have.  She is only 4 months old but hey they will be fun for her.  This rollercoaster of emotions really gets to me.  Yesterday I felt so calm and at peace and felt you were whole and loved, no longer suffering.  Today the silence is killing me.  So many years of trauma, fighting in this home  I don't have to worry about you anymore but the only time I had this silence was when you were in rehab or mental health and then I knew you were safe.  I miss and love you so much.  

MOM

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