Connor,

I have so much to tell you.  I will start with yesterday.  We were in need of cat litter due to your cat that had kittens we go through lots of litter.  Nala went to your fathers secretary's daughter.  Daniel is keeping Serenity and we still had the little tiger striped boy.  So dad goes to warm up the car, and when he comes in the house he smells marijuana.  (he is the only one who hasn't smelled it).  He says Connor is here.  So he goes to dollar general (cheap cat litter) and the cashier asks him what kind of cats he has.  So you know your dad...My son's cat had kittens before Christmas...  The man asks do you still have them, how much do they cost... and breaks down sobbing.  His name is Victor and his daughter died 3 days before Thanksgiving , he and his wife are now raising their 2 young grandaughters and the husband of the daughter had the cat put to sleep without telling anyone.  It was a male tiger cat.  They are grieving just like us but the loss of the daughters cat made it even worse.  So now your dad comes home from the store  and yes we think the smell of the mariajuana (I know we are now certifiable) was your way of telling us this is what you want.  Your father and Victor were in dollar general sobbing about their lost children and cats!  So Victor came over after work and he stayed about an hour.  He sobbed and talked about his daughter, granddaughters and wife.  He really has no one to talk to.  So we brought out the kitty and it crawled into his arms and fell asleep and slept peacefully the entire time he was here.  So we exchanged phone numbers and he only lives a couple of miles from here.  He has sent us several texts and a video.  The look on everyone's faces said it all.  I never thought a stranger could touch my heart but this man did.  

So now we went to church this morning for the first time in many years.  I just wish that you were with us.  Although I feel in my heart you were.  The service was about forgiving yourself and others.  How appropriate.  I did cry the entire service.  Dad and Daniel both felt the service held special meaning for all of us.  I want you to know that I always forgave you.  I understood that the drugs controlled many of your actions.  I need to learn to forgive myself and this is what this Journal is about.  Baring my soul and forgiveness.  I always forgave you but I did not trust you and I continued to tell you that trust would need to be earned.  This moving forward is just hard.

So the only other thing I wanted to say is that we brought your ashes home today.  I cannot put into words driving home clutching that urn and knowing that is you.  Dad took you up to your room for now and he was up there about 1/2 hour talking to you and letting you know you are safe, home and that he will always love you.  

In my heart I know you already know these things because you are right here with us but I will continue to write.  Maybe our journey will help others know they are not alone.  

Missing you with all my heart

MoM