I Miss Him So...

[missingcurtis]

Hi, I haven't posted much lately, just been reading the posts.

I have to say I am sorry to the ladies on Facebook.  I joined the group but just can't find the words to post on each ones page. 

Tuesday will be 34 months and as the annversary date draws near I find myself reliving all the days leading up to his death again.  I really did not think this would happen going on the 3rd year.

I am stronger and I don't have the deep pain like I did at frist.  I just keep wondering if I did enough to help him and if I got enough help for him.  That d*mn cancer is the pitts.  It takes your life and turns it totally up-side down.

My biggest problem now is  not being able to sleep good.  I'm not sure the anti-depression pills I was on at first were any better.  I slept too much then.  I just take it one day at a time and after I get through December, things will be better.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I went to a grief support chat room and all they wanted to ask was why are you here.  Don't they figure you are there because of a death you are tryiing to recover from? 

Oh well, everyone have a good day.

Debbie.................Missing Curtis

[rodless]

Debbie,

A friend and I talked about that "sad-think about it all over again" time of the year thing. She struggles in fall as her husband died in November. I go through the same thing in late spring/early summer....reliving the whole sick, hospital, hospice bit.

I have been in a couple of grief chat rooms but found them mostly full of people who had been alone a long time, many of whom were remarried. They talked about the dumbest stuff, not much to do with grief. I got bored and discouraged.

Hang in there....we all care!

Mary Jo

[lindat]

I think part of it is that we remember the dates and exactly what we were doing at that specific time.  For me, it is from August 28th until Jan. 17th - four months + from Katrina until Terry died.  Those days are so vivid because we were in such an emotional time and going thru so much that was a first time experience.   The time leading up to Katrina was normal - God how I would love to have normal again!!!  And after he died there is just a blur of days running into days.   It all seems so long ago now, life is very different for me now and it seems almost like someone else's life.  Sad, because he seems so far away now and we were so very close.    I almost cannot believe that I have been able to survive all of it, and I hope that he knows and I hope that he is proud of me. 

[mishknit]

debbie...

hi and good to see you again.

i think that it will be years before we really give up the "days before" thoughts...how can we?

it's like linda said....

life was normal, then it wasn't, and it's still not.

my 3 years is in january too...i fully expect to go thru it all again, starting probably at christmas, which was his favorite time of year.

we always had a party....i'm gonna do it again this year, i think. a much smaller list of invitees, but i loved it too, and it's time, i think. i'm sure it will bring up a lot, and i'm also pretty sure it will be a step toward more normal.

i didn';t know about grief chat rooms...this is mine!

love you all,

hang in,

peace,

michele

[loosingeddie]

HI EVERYONE... ONE OF THOSE DAYS..... IT HAS BEEN OVER 3 YEARS AND I STILL HAVE THEM... I CAN SURE RELATE TO THE SEASON THING... MY HUSBAND DIED SEPT. 1ST OF 2005....I LOVE FALL BUT IT SURE MAKES YOU THINK EVEN MORE AND RELIVE IT OVER AND OVER.... SUCH A COLORFULL TIME OF YEAR HAVE WATCHED THE TREE OVER HIS GRAVE TURN 4 TIMES INCLUDING THIS YEAR.. IT IS SO PRETTY...GUESS ITS SOMETHING THAT GETS A LITTLE EASIER, BUT WE WILL NEVER GET OVER...... WELL HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYONE.. OR AT LEAST GIVE IT YOUR BEST...TILL NEXT TIME...ME

[laquinn]

Well I made it through the first annisavery. I did ok that day, I went to the cemetary in the afternoon and was ok until I saw the letter that was left there. Some of the guys from the police station went and left a very beautiful poem with a hand written note telling him how they are watching out for my and how much I miss him. And it made me cry. I am finding now that I can think of things and find all the good without crying all the time. But I made it ok. Thanks everyone for the kind words they ment alot to me.

Lela

 

[armaiti]

Lela, that anniversary is always hard.   I'm glad you were able to get through it ok.

I've been having a real hard time lately.  I just really miss Ishaq, and to top it all off, I was telling a close friend, someone I really thought "got it" about how depressed I was and how I needed some change, and he told me he thought I needed "a new sexual relationship".  I was shocked by his lack of tact and understanding and it just depressed me more.  Maybe only my women friends, the ones who actually are partnered with their soulmates, can get it, that Ishaq is all I want and I can't replace him with someone else.  It's had me down in the dumps ever since he said that to me.  Plus, I'm sick and I have vertigo, so I have to be careful not to move too fast or the room starts spinning. 

Hope everyone else is doing better than me today.  I spend a lot more time on Facebook lately, but I try to come back here and check every so often.

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

tomorrow will be the 2 year anniv. of jeremy and i- its hard to believe that 2 years ago him and i had our first date together... i knew from that night that it was something special - our date actually ended up lasting for 3 days - it was like 43 hr long date... we started out fri night with dinner and a movie then hung out at his house and stayd up all night talking... the next day we were gonna keep chillin out but he had to work so i went home, but when he was off work we regrouped and continued it till the next day when we hung out all day again... i really miss him...im happy that i have nothing to do tomorrow (i was supposed to teach but the teacher i work with wont be there tomorow- i think that was jers way of making the day easier) last thing i wanna do is teach kindergarden when im sad and down

[loosingeddie]

HI EVERYONE... READING ALL YOUR POSTS SURE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT ALONE...ITS SURE A PLACE TO GO THAT I KNOW EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS... JUST PUT A TURKEY IN THE OVEN AND GOING TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO THE FARM FOR THE PUMPKIN RIDE WHICH WE DO EVERY YEAR.. ITS PULLED BY DRAFT HORSES.. HOT CIDER GREAT FOOD AND LOTS OF MEMORIES THROUGH THE YEARS AND THEN OF COURSE THE FAMOUS CORN MAZE LOL! IT DOES HELP TO HAVE MY DAUGHTER STILL AT HOME IT KEEPS ME PLUGGING ALONG... HOLIDAYS ARE COMING AND IT IS SOOO HARD BEING WITHOUT HIM STILL...... LIFE SURELY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME... I WISH THE FOG WOULD LEAVE.. BUT NOT YET... JUST SEEMS LIKE I EXIST....LOOKING BACK I DO NOT KNOW HOW I MADE IT THREE YEARS....MAYBE OUT TO THE CEMETERY AFTERWARDS TODAY TO PUT SOME FALL FLOWERS OUT.. WE ALWAYS CARVE HIM A PUMPKIN AND GO OUT AT NIGHT TO LIGHT IT UP...HE ALWAYS LOVED HALLOWEEN AND WOULD DRESS UP SOMETIMES LOL....WELL GUESS I WILL GET READY TO GO.. YOU ARE ALL IN MY PRAYERS..AM SO GLAD WE HAVE THIS PLACE TO COME AND SHARE.. YOU ARE RIGHT! THOSE THAT HAVE NOT LIVED IT JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND... TILL NEXT TIME... LOVE BRENDA

[loosingeddie]

P.S. ARMAITI I LIVE IN EUGENE TOO! MAYBE WE SHOULD CHAT! BRENDA:)

[armaiti]

Brenda,

That's wild that you are in Eugene, too.  I've sent you a PM with my email address.  It would be great to connect sometime. 

I know what you mean about this fog - I wish it would just rain already!

Ishaq and I usually went out to that pumpkin farm out by Mt. Pisgah.  And we'd always go to the Mushroom Festival every October, and we'd carve pumpkins and toast the seeds together while we watched football. There's a lot of memories in the fall for us too, for sure.

I hope you and your daughter have a good day out at the farm. 

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Melissa, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and keep you in my heart and prayers.  As hard as it is to live without them, at least we had our true loves.   I've been feeling really down, but I was writing somebody yesterday how I finally realized that even though I have to go through the rest of my earthly life without Ishaq, at least I got to be with him for a while here. 

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

thank you...

[eventually]

Melissa, I'm thinking about you today.  My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know I don't writh much, but I just wanted you to know.  (HUGS) -Mishi

[loosingeddie]

HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS AGAIN........:(:( MISS HIM SOOO MUCH! OUT TO GET IN THE SUNSHINE.....

[rodless]

I've been down too. Thought it was all the rain but guess it's just going to be a way of life off and on. Been really missing Rod and thinking about all the things we used to do in the fall...trips, splitting wood etc. My favorite time of year but hard to deal with.

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, I know what you mean.  Ishaq and I loved this time of year, and we did so many things together.  Well, we did everything together all the time, but we both loved autumn.  There's the Mushroom Festival this weekend, we used to always go together.  We even put a band together and played there one year.  It was so cold that afterwards when we got our complimentary mushroom soup I felt more like putting my feet in it than eating it, my feet were so cold!  And we'd watch football together, and we'd maybe have his son down for Thanksgiving.  His son's family may be coming here for Thanksgiving, that would be nice, and I'd get to spend time with them and our granddaughter. 

Time just keeps moving on, and it seems everyone around me is moving on doing things with their lives and I'm just frozen here in time.  In tsome Native American traditions your partner is called your half-side, and it feels like when Ishaq died half of me got cut off and I'm living part here in the present and half there in the past with him.  Plus I've been feeling really yucky physically lately, and it doesn't help. 

Maybe it gets better for some as the years go on, but it just seem to me that it stays about the same.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Anna,

Half side is a good term. I feel like half of me is missing. We were together all the time too, but fall was always special...I think because that's when we liked to go to the Black Hills and northern Wisconsin. I'm still going but it sure isn't the same. I'm taking off for Wisconsin next Thursday to see Rod's sister. She's good for me because they were very close and she talks and talks about him. We do a lot of laughing and some crying.  If just feels nice to be with someone who loved him and knew him as well as I did.

I hope you get to feeling better. Being down physically doesn't help with the mental state. The sun came out for about an hour but it's cloudy and dark again. I do so much better when the sun shines. Looks like a movie night.

Take care! Mary Jo

[missingcurtis]

Hi, just a quick note incase someone wonders what happen to my page on Face Book. 

I deleted it because I just don't go there very often.  It was fun but I guess I would rather just email.

I do have some good news to share.  Several of my husband's friends sent me a 20ft flagpole in his memory.  Then today a couple of people with the Patriot Guard Riders came and put it in for me.  That is a great honor in honor of him and for them to do.

Debbie.................Missing Curtis

[armaiti]

I'm having a crappy day.  I woke up with the stomach flu, but then I got a call and a man found my beautiful little cat Mckenzie across the street, dead.  Looks like she was chasing something and got hit by a car.  At least it looks like it was quick.  I was too sick to dig her grave so I got my neighbor to help me.

Mckenzie was a really special little cat.  She was dumped in my yard just a week before Ishaq died, and she was pretty feral, so it took me a long time to gain her trust and get her in the house.  She still had a wild nature.  She hated being confined; if I blocked the cat door for any reason she would just panic and start yowling.  She needed to run loose and free so I guess at least she died doing something she enjoyed. 

But I'm having a bad time with it.  It just sucks to lose her, she was only a little over 2 years old.  I have two other cats, Akbar who Ishaq got for us and is a big love muffin and sleeps with me every night.  And a 19 year old "problem" cat that is driving me crazy.  So I'm feeling guilty because part of me wishes the old problem cat had died instead of Mckenzie...life just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Here's a picture I used of Mckenzie for a Christmas card last year.

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, so sorry for the loss of your pet.  I know how you feel..............it brings the New York memories back of joy only to come home to the death of my 4 year old german shepherd.  At that point I swore that I would never give my love to anything or anyone.  Maybe you remember me bringing back a stray cat from my sister in laws party.  (I still say it was because of the wine)  Anyway, she had 5 kittens on 8/10.  It was very hard having all the cats in the house.  I did my good deed and I am proud to report I found a home for all of them as of last Thursday.  I also found a home for the mother cat.  As simple as a cat is...........I simply do not wish to take care of anything anymore.  Do I sound selfish?

A little later today I am driving to Coshocton, Ohio (my older sister lives there) I will be staying for three days.  We are celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My nephew came home from the war zone.  He has to return in two weeks.  It should be a good time.  My niece from Georgia and Indiana will also be there with their husbands.  We all have costumes for tonight.  It should be a lot of fun.  I will be dressing up as a Gothic Vampire.  I always loved this time of year.

So finally the CATS are gone and I can escape on a trip to Vegas.  I'll book my flight and room when I come home.  Let me know if anyone wants to go to Vegas.  Remember my suite is free. 

Blessings to all.

Dorothy

[DawnFisher]

Hello -

I am posting Kelly's original post from the home page of www.beyondindigo.com/forums under the "Please Tell Us" thread "Beyond Indigo Reunion."  I thought that many of you might not have seen it there.  If you are interested in atteding a Beyond Indigo Reunion - or would like to help us in the planning stages...please post on that thread.

Thanks!

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

 

Hello all,

We are thinking about hosting a Beyond Indigo Reunion in Peoria, ILL next spring. It would allow people to meet other Beyond Indigo members in person. Could you please let us know if this would be something that would interest you? We would have social events by type of loss (child, parent, spouse etc). If this is of interest for people we would also be looking for "hosts" for each type of loss to plan events for that loss group. Please chime in!

Thanks

Kelly

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey girls! Just finally updating to say things have been very good this past month and me and my kids are in love. The new man and I just moved into a new apt. yesterday too so all is going well. There is lots of talk of marriage and babies and everything involving major life decisions and commitment. I am definitely happy! Though I will need to return to AZ late next month to move! t will probably take me a few weeks at least to move all my stuff and clean out my house,etc. I am pretty much going to get rid of everything that's not replaceable currently (or that's the plan anyway). Anyway it's all flowing better than I could have imagined! I am really content and happy right now. though the New England weather is taking some getting used to! LOL. it is soooo cold!

Anna- I'm so sorry about your kitty (((hugs))) I know how hard that is as I lost one of my dogs shortly after D died and it's very hard.

[airymoon]

Wow april congratulation. It seems Kind of fast but sometimes jumping right in is the best way to do things.I'm happy for you and the kids and he is really lucky to get you. I hope you get things settled with your house I'v actually been thinking of moving i just dont know if im up to it yet. There is really not much keeping me here though and it might be nice to start over where im not kurt's widow and people arent judging everything i do. Again i'm really happy for you

Becky

[armaiti]

April, that's great!  So glad you are happy!

I finally ate the first really solid meal in 4 1/2 days of the stomach flu.  Having the flu, going through caffeine withdrawal because I couldn't drink it while I had the flu, and having my cat die all made it a really crappy week.

I'm preparing the house for arrival of Bailey, an 18 lb Maine Coon  cat tomorrow.  He's the cat of my friend's son, who had to find a home for him. He's 7 years old and very affectionate; the guys wife doesn't want him in the house since they had kids, so he's been living outside, and they want to find a home where he can be inside too.  So we'll give it a try.  If he gets along with my orange cat Akbar, and I think he will, then I guess I have another cat.  I wasn't expecting to get another cat this soon, but this cat needs a loving home, so it seems the right thing to do.

Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

April,  I am soooo happy for you!!!  I am doing well also.   I am staying with Jim and his mom in San Luis Obispo and things couldn't be better.  He is trying to decide if he wants to move back to MI - not happy here and can't get along with his mom - so he asked if I would be willing to share a place with him.  I told him to give it a year before deciding - I think it is better for him here, and he said it will be at least that long.  He also said that if he doesn't move there he wants me to move here with him - since I am there for 5 years a lot could happen, but something to look forward to.    It seems that absence has made him realize a few things    We have had a wonderful time so far and I will hate to leave, but the future seems much brighter now.  

Anna,  I am so sorry about McKenzie, but glad you are feeling better and hope the new addition to the family is able to fit in well.

Michele, I am still determined to see you.   I guess when I edited your cell phone number the other day, I forgot to save it cause it still doesn't work.   I should be coming thru sometime Friday.   My email is linda@shorians.com

[rodless]

I'm really happy for you April and wish you all good things with your new life!

I've decided I would describe the 1st year as "shock and awe" the 2nd as "this is the rest of my life" and the 3rd as "what the hell am I going to do about it?" as in it's time to reevaluate where I live, where I work, what car I drive etc. etc. So for those of you who are actually doing something about it, I'm impressed! Several of us are in the same time frame and I know I am beginning to question where do I go from here.

Sorry about your kitty, Anna. It's always hard to lost a pet and I know how much you love your cats.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Linda, enjoy that sunshine!! There are blizzard warnings for South Dakota and we're supposed to get rain for the next four days. UGH!

[armaiti]

Wow, what a week.  Obama is president!  It gives me hope and makes me want to get out and actually do something. 

My 19 1/2 year old cat died peacefully in her sleep yesterday - finally.  I have to say this cat had become one of the biggest problem cats I had ever owned and I was wondering which would happen first - she'd die, or I'd go insane.  She was destructive, loud, mean to the other cats, just unpleasant in general.  I felt she was my responsibility since I had adopted her.  She was raised with as much love as the others, but she did disappear for 4 days when she was about 3 years old and was found up a tree she couldn't get down from, and was never the same.  Still, she was not an animal anyone else would ever adopt, so I kept her.  The peace and quiet in this house now that she is gone is amazing. 

I still am missing my Mckenzie, but I realize she was still part feral at heart, and this kind of end was probably in her future no matter what I did, since she couldn't be contained inside without going nuts.  So I'm in the market for a new kitty, as my remaining orange tabby, Akbar, seems kind of lonely.  But there are so many out there!  How do you choose with all the poor ones that need homes? 

I did try the cat that was supposed to be a Maine Coon (it wasn't) and it was also the Demon Cat.  It hissed and growled at me and at Akbar, then bit my friend so hard it drew blood.  So I sent it back to its owners.  I had just buried one problem cat, I was not about to take on another!

I'm still tired and a little week from the flu, but getting better and my appetite is coming back.  It's been raining steady here for days, but since I'm sick, I prefer it!

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Anna

[Error username not found]

OBAMA!!!!!! YAAYY!! WOOO! LOL.  HI EVERYONE. LONG TIME NO SPEAK. JUST WANTED TO CATCH UP A LITTLE.

 ANNA - I ACTUALLY LAUGHED OUT LOUD WITH THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR OLD CAT. ITS SO FUNNY. BUT IM HAPPY IT DIED BECAUSE IM SURE IT FEELS BETTER NOW TOO.

APRIL -  IM HAPPY FOR YOU.. BUT PLEASE BE CAREFUL HE DOESNT TURN INTO A PSYCHO! LOL. I THINK ABOUT CRAZY THINGS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES.. BUT ANYWAY.. HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON N GOOD LUCK W/ MOVING!

LINDA - HAPPY EVERYTHINGS WORKING OUT =) YOU DESERVE IT!!!

EVERYONE ELSE -  HOW R U? I HAVENT BEEN ON HER IN A WHILE.. I FORGOT MY PASSWORD AND IT LOGGED ME OUT AND I DIDNT FEEL LIKE GETTING MY PASSWORD SENT TO MYSELF LOL. IM GOOD. AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BTWN THE 1ST, 2ND, AND 3RD YEAR THING.  ITS SOO CRAZY. WELL IM STILL NOT INTERESTED IN BEING W/ ANYONE ELSE..HAPPY WITH WHERE IVE BEEN AND HAPPY WHERE I AM. TTY LATER. BYE.

[lindat]

Anna, Sorry about your old cat, he was with you a long time.   We had a cat like the one that you sent away and he never got better, I think you definitely made the right choice.

I am so excited about Obama, never thought I would see this in my lifetime!!!  

MJ - the weather here is beautiful!  We are going to the coast to try and see some dolphins today.   It has been a very peaceful visit.  Somehow I have to prepare for going home, where my first outing will be back to the hospital for my IV.   I have almost been able to forget all that this past week, but now I have some great memories to tide me over.

Michele, will call you in the morning when I get started....

Wishing all of you peace.....

[missyouhoney811]

A terrible thing happened to me last Wednesday, 11/5/08.......it was a beautiful day, I was driving to the mall to get my new cell phone.........out of nowhere a car speeding T-boned me........sending me to the trama unit at the hospital.......as it turned out the men that hit me were running from a drug sting that went bad for them.  I became their victim.   I am home now......not able to do anything.  Although I am still capable of using the phone.  I hired an attorney........in this great State of PA people that get caught due to drugs get a mere slap on the hands.......my attorney will make certain this bastard spends time in jail.....The police officer stated that my car saved my life.......

Blessings to all....

Dorothy

[lindat]

Oh Dorothy,  That really sucks, but it sounds as though you were very lucky once again - thank goodness.   My email is linda@shorians.com if you want to talk.   My prayers are with you for a super fast recovery!!  Linda

[armaiti]

Oh, Dorothy, I'm so sorry!  I know, it really sucks how these criminals can mess up lives up and not get punished.  I'm glad you got a lawyer though.  Did you break anything, or was it mainly soft tissue damage?  A drunk t-boned the Red Cross van Ishaq was driving several years ago, same thing, she went off scot free, while he was in pain for weeks.

Sending you healing,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

(((hugs Dorothy))) How awful for you. I hope you heal quickly.

[rodless]

Dorothy, I am so sorry to hear about that accident. I'm just glad you lived through it. T-bones are dangerous and so often people are killed. What kind of car were you driving? Take care!!

Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Thanks to everyone for the prayers and get well wishes.  I went to the Trama Clinic today thank God the collar is off my neck.  I have been going through a bit of hell here lately but I am strong and I will survive.  Next week I have to go to the the Concussion clinic and I also have to see a neurologist.   I am having so much fun with all the medical people.....(not really)....stopped by the police station on my way home today and picked up the accident report.  I was informed that they would be contacting me when that ass has his court date.

 

Mary Jo I was driving my new Subaru Tribeca.   The police officers and trama doctors said that it was the best vehicle to be in..............it saved my life.  I guess my sweat shirt help me also "Life is Good"  was on the front of the shirt that they had to cut off. 

I was suppose to go to my friends birthday party tonight.......she has reached the big 50..........but I won't be able to go.  I am so tired.  I have been sleeping alot.  Last night I went to bed at 6:30 PM and did now wake up until I heard my automatic coffee grinder go off at 7:00AM.  Trama Clinic said that it is normal to sleep alot after what I have been through.

Received a Zumba CD from the teachers and the co work out team.  I can at least move the bottom part of body and dance in bed while listening to my Ipod.  I can't wait until I am well enough to go back to my daily schedule.  I simply hate staying home but it is out of my control right now....

12/8/08 I am scheduled for Vegas.  I hope I am well enough and released from all the doctors so I don't have to cancel.

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

omg dorothy..

i am so glad you're ok!

what a terrible thing to have happenl!

and yet....

picture you in bed with your ipod "shakin yuor bootie" and i have to say...

that's the only laugh i' ve had in a few days...

so thanks for that!!!

get well soon, i hope you make it to vegas!

peace,

michele

[lindat]

Michele,  Hugs, I'm worried about you.

Dorothy,  You are so strong and lucky that I just know you will be up to speed in no time.   I do imagine you doing zumba in your bed    If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be doing Zumba - thank you, I love it.   Take care of yourself and rest, there is plenty of time to paint the town red.

MJ, we are expecting snow tonight, just hate it.  I want to go back to CA.

April, So glad you and the kids are doing well!!

Hoping everyone is doing okay and finding peace.

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...I have been seriously ill here for a while.  I got a stomach bug that wouldn't go away, my cat Mckenzie got hit by a car the day I got it, and then my old cat passed on election day.  I was throwing up off and on for 12 days.  Finally I went to a naturopath on Tuesday who put me on some homeopathics, and put me on a very restricted diet to heal my upper GI tract.  She said I was just re-irritating it by eating the wrong foods, plus grief over Mckenzie was making it hard to heal.  (Sita was really old, and I'd been expecting her passing, so that was ok, and she had been a real problem too).  So far I've still had some fever but at least my stomach seems better.  Funny, though, I'm afraid to go to sleep at night in case I wake up sick again, even though I haven't thrown up since Monday night. 

I have my new kitty who is really sweet, he's 5 months old and a real lover.  I had to go out to the vet with my other cat, Akbar, yesterday, because he had a respiratory infection.   So I've been overwhelmed.

I did have a kind of healing epiphany around this.  On Monday night when I was so sick again, I realized that I really, really, wanted to live.  It hit me that  I've really let myself go since Ishaq died, like I just didn't care.  Now after 2 years and almost 4 months I finally realized I need to heal myself and not be so blasse about life.  So this healing crisis, while really hard, is a good thing I think.  I'm learning how I have friends and family who are really supporting me through this, calling and checking in, going to the store for me and stuff.  And the naturopath was great - she's a regular doctor too, so if I need medicine she can prescribe.  I'm going to be getting some acupuncture too from a friend who was also a really close friend of Ishaq's.  Ishaq's sister has offered to pay for it, since I'm so broke. 

So now I have to really focus on healing, and realizing that no matter what has happened in my past, I need to focus on my healing and my future and taking care of my body, and my little kitties, who need me.

Michele, I hope you are doing ok, I'm worried about you too.

And Dorothy, that is a good picture, laying down and doing zumba!

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

Anna, sounds like you have rounded a bend.   I think that will help more than anything, just knowing that what you really want is to live.   I think that my realization came the day that I was diagnosed and some things have been a little easier since then.   It is when you really begin to take care of yourself and nurture yourself again.   I am glad you have your new kitty, and hope you and Akbar feel much better soon.   xoxox

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, hugs and health wishes are being sent your way.  I hope with every passing day your health will return 100% and get your strength back.  You made me laugh about me doing zumba in bed...............to tell you the truth it is almost like having sex.  Of course without a partner BUT some of the moves in Zumba can easily be related to sex........shame on me a person of my age thinking that way.  Maybe I should sit in my rocking chair and do needle point.  Its not going to happen.

I feel good today.  I cleaned out my refrigerator.  Also, two weeks ago I orderd a Christmas Tree from QVC.  I had the box in a corner for over a week.  Today, I opened the box, took out the tree and put it together.  It came in three pieces with lights already on.  It also has a timer.........so far I have not set it.  I have not had a tree in this house since 2005.  I feel it is something I want this year so no turning back no matter what mood hits me...........the tree is up I just need the rest of the decorations brought down from the attic. 

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna & Dorothy- sounds like you both are on the mend a bit (((hugs)))

Michele- how's it going???

Mary Jo- hope everythig is going good with you too..

not sure where Melissa, Becky and baca have been, but hope everyone is well! this board is kinda dead (no pun intended!) what's going on with everyone?

as for me, I am busy trying to get my life reorganized. it's been challenging to adjust at times but things are flowing really well in spite of it all! I am beghind in writing goals but I guess oh well!! Tryig to get things back on track in the comig weeks before I go back to AZ to move! We moved into a little apartment 2 weeks ago but will have to find another place to live within 3-6 months..so after my move from AZ (and deciding what to do with my house once and for all) in Dec/Jan we will have to find another place to live when I come back. ackk! kind of unsettlig not knowing where exactly we will end up. I'm hoping Vermont though! I have decided I can't live without mountains!  btw I thik we will be having a wedding in May!

[lindat]

Oh wow April, CONGRATULATIONS!!!  I am soooo happy for you.

[airymoon]

wow april good for you,

i dont know whats happening with michelle i guess imissed somethings

Things have been really going rough for me lately and although i read here i just havent had the energy to write or anything. I was reprimanded for un prfessional conduct at work because i was texting on my phone. I tried to explain that there is no one else to do the doctor appt and the kids and i was overwhelmed and made a bad decision.My boss told me that they have  been patient with me and it has been long enough that maybe i should sit down and seriously decide whether or not i could handle my job anymore/ Then she gave me the review she  had done 3 weeks prior and it was all good points so obviously i can handle the job. I just thanked her for her support and left

The man im seeing asked if i wanted to come over for thanksgiving i said we were probably just going to stay home and decorate the house but i would let him know. Before i could tell him either way he called to tell me that he was asking his ex wife over because he felt sorry for her and he wanted to see his daughter longer. She already had plans and he already has i his daughter in the morning and we had plans to go to a 4 show but now it is later because he changed his time to accomodate her plans.

I also had my yearly and they found irregular cells and three different infections and I am anemic so now i have to go for some type of biopsy but they arent sure how much they will have to do. Im not worried about myself so much as i dont have insurance and if it cancer than how do i afford the treatment and if i cant afford them than how do i fight it and if i cant fight then what happens to my kids. The 2 at home are only 10 and 16. Oh and my boss knew this was all going on when she talked to me

I miss kurt so much and i find that even with the guy im seeing i am not happy and he hasn't even filed for divorce yet. He tells me he loves me but he hasnt thought about divorcing his wife even though he wants us to be married some day and yes for those of you who know it is the same guy that left me to work things out with her before but claims he couldn't be without me so i have to wonder what the hell is he doing and what am i doing

[mishknit]

glad to hear you're better anna.....

and yu too dorothy, tho i ove the under the cover zumba idea!!:shock:

you didn't miss anything becky..and i'm so sorry about all your uncertainty.

my son was in an adolescent ward for depression....long story, but certainly abuot grief. he's home now, it's hard, but hopefull.

anyway

xo peace,

michele

[airymoon]

michelle im so sorry to hear that  im glad you got him help though my oldest has never dealt with his loss of his dad and his answer was to move out. I worry about him but  any help i tried to give he refused. I am glad you got him the help he needed

[rodless]

I am so sorry to read all the bad news on here. Good thing we have this board to complain on! I've always thought November was a depressing month and this one has sure been that way for a lot of you. So far, so good here. No big crashes. No big joys. Sometimes neutral is the best way to live I guess. Hope things get better!

[armaiti]

Hi, everyone.  I had some acupuncture yesterday and am feeling a lot better, though still weak.  I'm trying to walk a little each day.  And I finally weighed myself.  I'm 115 pounds!  That means I lost 20 or more pounds while I was sick.  Diet by Disease.  Not fun though!

Hope everyone else is doing better.  Michele, I'm sorry to hear about your son, I hope he is doing better.  Becky, let us know what the doctors say, I hope it's nothing too serious!  And Dorothy, I hope you are up and zumba'ing soon.  It looks like a local health club has it here now, so once I'm strong enough, I'm going to check it out!

Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

Anna,  I am so glad you are doing better!!!  BTW, most all of the towns around us have Zumba now and I love it.  I have had to stop everything for awhile because I have been in pain, but I am anxious to go back when I am better. 

They have scheduled a bone scan to make sure that it hasn't spread to my bones, and I will be relieved to get past that.   It is always something    How is your new kitty doing??